I appreciate this video, because I am a bisexual man, and I am currently married to a woman. In the future I would absolutely consider a relationship with a man, but it doesn’t mean I’m actively pursuing one. As you said, it’s about commitment and monogamy, no matter who is involved. Thank you for clarifying that, it’s ultimately the main takeaway. ❤
I have this problem,,, I like dating just gay men,, but sometimes they don't come around. As someone who has been out for 45 yrs,, its hard to date a closet case. I could never get serious with a bi or closet man... Never!
Great questions "Wayne"! And good points, Joel and Keegan. I Especially appreciate your point that just because someone is bi, doesn't mean they are more or less likely to cheat or even be interested in other folks. The pool of their attraction isn't even necessarily bigger. It just happens to include more than one gender. Eg, I myself have a very limited amount of folks who get anywhere near attractive to me on a real level beyond just, oh they look nice, cuz A LOT of folks look fabulous to me, but don't find them attractive in a sexual or romantic way at all. I'm a very friendly person and love meeting and making new close friendships, but my inner loyalty (?) makes it very unlikely that I'd ever develop feelings for them if I were in a solid relationship. A few of my exes on the other hand, seemed to want to have sec with anything on two legs and often did while we were together. So, IF by insecurities with bi men you mean struggling with their likelihood to be wandering, I hope this helps. Bottom line, it's about character and commitment from them not their sexuality.
I hate that people can’t understand how a bisexual person selects a partner. All it means is they have both options, not someday want the opposite option. When in a relationship regardless of gender, they remain committed to that choice for themselves. Someday wanting the other gender while already in a relationship DOES NOT HAPPEN. It’s called COMMITMENT for a reason.
Wayne - you're not alone; from my experience, bisexuals can even make _other bisexuals_ feel insecure about their sexuality (it's part of the reason there's not as much of a 'bi community' in the same way as there is for the other LGBT+ groups; that purple stripe flag is like the bermuda triangle of relationships). But, look - that's not your issue to deal with; if it's bringing you down, just remember you don't owe anyone your friendship or affection. Those are yours, to share with whoever you decide to. Being open to other parts of the LGBT+ community is lovely, and can be good for broadening your horizons, but if being around someone is doing you actual psychological harm, then don't do it. Notwithstanding that relationships with bisexuals shouldn't be held to a different standard (as discussed in the video; guys are right on this one, running off without warning because you feel unfulfilled isn't a bisexual thing, it's an arsehole thing), there _are_ some genuine differences in how things work that can cause strain in relationships. As for those - You can think of it like choosing whether or not to date or befriend someone who's - I don't know, let's say a musician (ignore the fact that profession is a choice and sexuality isn't, for a moment - they're still both major impacts on someone's lifestyle). I love musicians, I think they're brilliant, I love the music they make - but there's also a whole raft of things that come along as baggage, if playing music is a major part of someone's life; late nights, inconsistent employment, consequently inconsistent income, the culture of the profession, the hangers-on, and most of all - music _constantly,_ even when you might not be in the mood for music. All of those things are going to impact upon you if you enter into a friendship or relationship with a musician, and if one or more of them is bad for your mental health - let's say you grew up really poor, and seeing someone with inconsistent income and employment causes you stress and anxiety because it's associated with hunger and threat of eviction - then it's better off for both you _and_ your potential friend/partner if you're honest with yourself about this beforehand, and take it into account when deciding whether you really want this person to be part of your life, in that way, right now. Better for you, because you're managing that risk to your mental wellbeing (not necessarily _avoiding_ - there are other ways to manage risk; the podcast guys are much better sources of advice on this than I would be) - and better for _them,_ because at the end of the day, musicians love being musicians; they're aware of the downsides and baggage, and they still love it, all the same. Again, not a perfect analogy - people are musicians by choice; bisexuals, not so much. But even bisexuals who love who they are will come with some quirks and rough edges (also, in my experience they're - perhaps ironically, considering the stereotypes - _way_ more likely to get married as they sort the worst of their issues out, so you find fewer well-adjusted, single, bisexual people in the dating pool than other LGBT+ groups. At least where I live; results, as ever, may vary between locations) - and I doubt they'd be interested in being with someone who feels sad or insecure because they're with a bisexual. Imagine dating someone who had issues with you being _gay!_ There's also the thing with 'bisexual' being a landing-pad for other LGBT+ groups who are testing the waters to see if they can deal with coming out fully; that's - it is what it is, and one more thing to be aware of. You can think of it this way - not every 'straight' person you meet is going to really be straight, either, but in the long-term most of them are. Which dove-tails nicely with the other point: For people in the closet, I can't say as much; it's a very different issue, and - given how much of an abrasive, opinionated jerk I am in real life (I try _very_ hard to be nice in these comments; sometimes I have to delete one or two, written in a bad mood), I haven't known that many closeted people. Intuitively, that situation feels more analogous to dating someone who is grappling with depression, after you've already gone through treatment and counselling for the same - there's a huge risk of re-opening old wounds, and you probably don't have the qualifications to really help the other person in the ways you might want to (or feel you ought to, or even need to). It's bad enough dating someone with the intent to change them for what you see as the better (since they may not agree with your assessment); dating someone who you see being in need of _rescue_ is just a bad place to start a relationship from. Not impossible, as noted in the video, and everyone's experience with coming out is going to be different - but if it's taking you to a bad place, then - be honest with yourself about that, deal with it appropriately. Worst case scenario is your partner has a traumatic coming-out, which throws you back into reliving all of your own traumas with it, and suddenly you're two basket-cases; not actually the end of the world, but still pretty far from ideal if it could have been avoided.
And what I mean for the scope and scale of 'weird things that can cause strain in relationships' - what I mean is things like... ah, feck it. Without giving away the details of anyone else's love life - let's say we've got two men; partner A is bisexual, and partner B is gay. Partner A does the 'sorry, I'm spoken for' thing with other men, partner B feels flattered; partner A does the same with women, partner B feels uncomfortable. Neither had expected this to be the case, but it reveals an underlying strain on the relationship to do with some unspoken (and in some cases, up-to-that-point unconscious) expectations, eventually contributing to a break-up. That's what I mean when I say 'baggage' - normal, reasonable levels of strain on a relationship that was entered into in good faith, occuring due to personal differences. Not 'I have unlimited license to be a tosspot because of this label I have affixed to myself'.
Do yourself a favor and run from those type of mens. I've unwilling got myself in a situation like that back in 2006 with a DL man that had all types of secrets....I found out he had a ex wife, lied about his age and was older, he was a republican, and could not be myself in regular situations but he didn't care when we were in the gay areas of south florida(Wilton Manors)...reflecting now, it did do a number on my mental and emotional health. I am glad that I am out of the situation now but still communicate with them on a cordial level.....plus, he likes them younger and I had aged out of that age bracket back in 2009....I guess what I am trying to say is that he likes them young because they are usually carefree with no life's problems, naive, oblivious and not paying attention to what is going on in situation....
Why even start dating someone who is not sure about their sexuality? There is plenty of hungry fish in the ocean, so why make it more difficult for yourself.
That is completely incorrect Keegan. I'm a 64 years old man who was always considered super masculine gay man from the United States, and I have dated many guys only masculine and virile and none of them liked feminine men. They would all say the same thing if I wanted a woman then I'll date a woman.
Nothing is funnier than when a feminine guy acts like everybody else is feminine. I have seen guys who were so feminine and such a queen and act like that many of the guys around them were feminine, when he was actually more feminine than the guys he was calling feminine. A lot of feminine men don't actually see themselves as feminine which is hilarious. 😂
Regarding having a relationship, platonic or romantic, with closeted or DL men. That choice is yours. As was mentioned, it's less about them not being out, but more about shame or disgust towards other gay men or LGBTQIA+ in general. If they make you feel shame, address the concern, if they don't take accountability or try and grow through actions. Best to walk away. Bisexuality doesn't mean you can't be monogamous or you'll get bored. Your just attracted to multiple genders. Hell I'm a gay man. Men are hot. But, if I met a trans man, who hadn't had reconstructive surgery below the belt. I'm not going to reject them. So many people put so much importance on sex. Which, if that is something important to you, great, do that. But, not everyone does hold sex in such a high regard. So maybe focus on your values and exspectations with a relationship and finding someone compatible to those. (If commitment is something you're looking for.) Instead of focusing on worrying if a guys worried about what you have to offer in the bedroom.
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I appreciate this video, because I am a bisexual man, and I am currently married to a woman. In the future I would absolutely consider a relationship with a man, but it doesn’t mean I’m actively pursuing one. As you said, it’s about commitment and monogamy, no matter who is involved. Thank you for clarifying that, it’s ultimately the main takeaway. ❤
I have this problem,,, I like dating just gay men,, but sometimes they don't come around. As someone who has been out for 45 yrs,, its hard to date a closet case. I could never get serious with a bi or closet man... Never!
Great questions "Wayne"! And good points, Joel and Keegan. I Especially appreciate your point that just because someone is bi, doesn't mean they are more or less likely to cheat or even be interested in other folks. The pool of their attraction isn't even necessarily bigger. It just happens to include more than one gender. Eg, I myself have a very limited amount of folks who get anywhere near attractive to me on a real level beyond just, oh they look nice, cuz A LOT of folks look fabulous to me, but don't find them attractive in a sexual or romantic way at all. I'm a very friendly person and love meeting and making new close friendships, but my inner loyalty (?) makes it very unlikely that I'd ever develop feelings for them if I were in a solid relationship. A few of my exes on the other hand, seemed to want to have sec with anything on two legs and often did while we were together.
So, IF by insecurities with bi men you mean struggling with their likelihood to be wandering, I hope this helps. Bottom line, it's about character and commitment from them not their sexuality.
I hate that people can’t understand how a bisexual person selects a partner. All it means is they have both options, not someday want the opposite option. When in a relationship regardless of gender, they remain committed to that choice for themselves. Someday wanting the other gender while already in a relationship DOES NOT HAPPEN. It’s called COMMITMENT for a reason.
9:12
Maybe that's case for you, but I've never met an "out" bisexual man in real life.
We appreciate everything you all to do. Hey, really does how major I just came out last year
Wayne - you're not alone; from my experience, bisexuals can even make _other bisexuals_ feel insecure about their sexuality (it's part of the reason there's not as much of a 'bi community' in the same way as there is for the other LGBT+ groups; that purple stripe flag is like the bermuda triangle of relationships). But, look - that's not your issue to deal with; if it's bringing you down, just remember you don't owe anyone your friendship or affection. Those are yours, to share with whoever you decide to. Being open to other parts of the LGBT+ community is lovely, and can be good for broadening your horizons, but if being around someone is doing you actual psychological harm, then don't do it. Notwithstanding that relationships with bisexuals shouldn't be held to a different standard (as discussed in the video; guys are right on this one, running off without warning because you feel unfulfilled isn't a bisexual thing, it's an arsehole thing), there _are_ some genuine differences in how things work that can cause strain in relationships. As for those -
You can think of it like choosing whether or not to date or befriend someone who's - I don't know, let's say a musician (ignore the fact that profession is a choice and sexuality isn't, for a moment - they're still both major impacts on someone's lifestyle). I love musicians, I think they're brilliant, I love the music they make - but there's also a whole raft of things that come along as baggage, if playing music is a major part of someone's life; late nights, inconsistent employment, consequently inconsistent income, the culture of the profession, the hangers-on, and most of all - music _constantly,_ even when you might not be in the mood for music.
All of those things are going to impact upon you if you enter into a friendship or relationship with a musician, and if one or more of them is bad for your mental health - let's say you grew up really poor, and seeing someone with inconsistent income and employment causes you stress and anxiety because it's associated with hunger and threat of eviction - then it's better off for both you _and_ your potential friend/partner if you're honest with yourself about this beforehand, and take it into account when deciding whether you really want this person to be part of your life, in that way, right now. Better for you, because you're managing that risk to your mental wellbeing (not necessarily _avoiding_ - there are other ways to manage risk; the podcast guys are much better sources of advice on this than I would be) - and better for _them,_ because at the end of the day, musicians love being musicians; they're aware of the downsides and baggage, and they still love it, all the same. Again, not a perfect analogy - people are musicians by choice; bisexuals, not so much. But even bisexuals who love who they are will come with some quirks and rough edges (also, in my experience they're - perhaps ironically, considering the stereotypes - _way_ more likely to get married as they sort the worst of their issues out, so you find fewer well-adjusted, single, bisexual people in the dating pool than other LGBT+ groups. At least where I live; results, as ever, may vary between locations) - and I doubt they'd be interested in being with someone who feels sad or insecure because they're with a bisexual. Imagine dating someone who had issues with you being _gay!_
There's also the thing with 'bisexual' being a landing-pad for other LGBT+ groups who are testing the waters to see if they can deal with coming out fully; that's - it is what it is, and one more thing to be aware of. You can think of it this way - not every 'straight' person you meet is going to really be straight, either, but in the long-term most of them are. Which dove-tails nicely with the other point:
For people in the closet, I can't say as much; it's a very different issue, and - given how much of an abrasive, opinionated jerk I am in real life (I try _very_ hard to be nice in these comments; sometimes I have to delete one or two, written in a bad mood), I haven't known that many closeted people. Intuitively, that situation feels more analogous to dating someone who is grappling with depression, after you've already gone through treatment and counselling for the same - there's a huge risk of re-opening old wounds, and you probably don't have the qualifications to really help the other person in the ways you might want to (or feel you ought to, or even need to). It's bad enough dating someone with the intent to change them for what you see as the better (since they may not agree with your assessment); dating someone who you see being in need of _rescue_ is just a bad place to start a relationship from. Not impossible, as noted in the video, and everyone's experience with coming out is going to be different - but if it's taking you to a bad place, then - be honest with yourself about that, deal with it appropriately. Worst case scenario is your partner has a traumatic coming-out, which throws you back into reliving all of your own traumas with it, and suddenly you're two basket-cases; not actually the end of the world, but still pretty far from ideal if it could have been avoided.
Appreciate how thorough your comment was :)
And what I mean for the scope and scale of 'weird things that can cause strain in relationships' - what I mean is things like... ah, feck it. Without giving away the details of anyone else's love life - let's say we've got two men; partner A is bisexual, and partner B is gay. Partner A does the 'sorry, I'm spoken for' thing with other men, partner B feels flattered; partner A does the same with women, partner B feels uncomfortable. Neither had expected this to be the case, but it reveals an underlying strain on the relationship to do with some unspoken (and in some cases, up-to-that-point unconscious) expectations, eventually contributing to a break-up.
That's what I mean when I say 'baggage' - normal, reasonable levels of strain on a relationship that was entered into in good faith, occuring due to personal differences. Not 'I have unlimited license to be a tosspot because of this label I have affixed to myself'.
Do yourself a favor and run from those type of mens. I've unwilling got myself in a situation like that back in 2006 with a DL man that had all types of secrets....I found out he had a ex wife, lied about his age and was older, he was a republican, and could not be myself in regular situations but he didn't care when we were in the gay areas of south florida(Wilton Manors)...reflecting now, it did do a number on my mental and emotional health. I am glad that I am out of the situation now but still communicate with them on a cordial level.....plus, he likes them younger and I had aged out of that age bracket back in 2009....I guess what I am trying to say is that he likes them young because they are usually carefree with no life's problems, naive, oblivious and not paying attention to what is going on in situation....
Thank you for the video
Why even start dating someone who is not sure about their sexuality? There is plenty of hungry fish in the ocean, so why make it more difficult for yourself.
Are you implying bi people are confused and "unsure" of our sexuality
Hi guys love your vibe brilliant! I’m 70 and gay looking for love so hard to find I’m very active and good shape any ideas ❤
That is completely incorrect Keegan. I'm a 64 years old man who was always considered super masculine gay man from the United States, and I have dated many guys only masculine and virile and none of them liked feminine men. They would all say the same thing if I wanted a woman then I'll date a woman.
I'm a bi man who prefers feminine men and Butch women. So your friends most certainly do not speak for all, or even most of us
My advice, for what it's worth....due to experience....DON'T DO IT, We need to be proud of who we are.......❤❤
Are you f**king saying bisexuals can't be proud? Why are folks equating closeted with bisexual
Nothing is funnier than when a feminine guy acts like everybody else is feminine. I have seen guys who were so feminine and such a queen and act like that many of the guys around them were feminine, when he was actually more feminine than the guys he was calling feminine. A lot of feminine men don't actually see themselves as feminine which is hilarious. 😂
"HELP! I have an issue with dating closeted or bisexual men...!"
Then, don't date them!
Exactly! 😂as one I’m not bothered
Yes, it lets us bi's dodge the bullet of a shitty relationship with a biphobe
Regarding having a relationship, platonic or romantic, with closeted or DL men. That choice is yours. As was mentioned, it's less about them not being out, but more about shame or disgust towards other gay men or LGBTQIA+ in general.
If they make you feel shame, address the concern, if they don't take accountability or try and grow through actions. Best to walk away.
Bisexuality doesn't mean you can't be monogamous or you'll get bored. Your just attracted to multiple genders.
Hell I'm a gay man. Men are hot. But, if I met a trans man, who hadn't had reconstructive surgery below the belt. I'm not going to reject them.
So many people put so much importance on sex. Which, if that is something important to you, great, do that.
But, not everyone does hold sex in such a high regard.
So maybe focus on your values and exspectations with a relationship and finding someone compatible to those.
(If commitment is something you're looking for.)
Instead of focusing on worrying if a guys worried about what you have to offer in the bedroom.
It is painful when people you like eschew PDA.