"when you grow up you will feel all alone in the world. You'll feel uncomfortable and unable to fit in and trust people." This is so true and so aweful.
If you’re parents didn’t have the capacity to be present and interact with you, even if they were in the house with you, you can still grow up with an abandonment wound. 😢
Does anyone grow up without issues anymore? It seems inevitable. I was really hungry until my mom got a job but when she got a job, I wished she was around but I wasn’t hungry. Pick your poison.
@@jessicacruit5770I don't think anyone has grown up without issues ever. Now my question for you is, is your mother aware of how the choice she made impacted you? Because sometimes that makes all the difference for us adult children, when our parents acknowledge that the choices they made when we were little had a hand in our issues growing up, even when in some cases (like yours) it was inevitable for them to make that choice.
Absolutely. My mother was a SAHM because according to her it was "the best for the children to have their mother around"... Guess what that didn't prevent her from assuming that giving us food, shelter and an education was all that was required of them and if they checked all of that then she didn't need to pay further attention to us. It didn't make her be more present with us or with our emotions, and it certainly didn't teach her emotional regulation, a skill she hasn't yet cared to work on to this day.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 I hope she didn’t know. My job as a daughter is to let her know she was the greatest mom in the world and I believe she was. I knew she wanted to be with us. Anyway, she wouldn’t have had to work so hard if my dad didn’t have a secret family on the side he had to give money to.
@@jessicacruit5770 your "job" as a daughter was to grow up to be the best version of yourself, and it sounds like your mother did the best she could with what she had and I'm glad you have a great relationship with her. Your dad though, I'm sorry his actions impacted you guys the way it did... I will never understand what goes through people's minds when they lead double lives like that. You'd be completely in your right to hate him or be furious with him, I know I would.
@LittleFuzzball333 I hear you- The child seemed like she was given a pretty detailed and thoughtful explanation. I thought this kid was lucky to have such a gentle and kind mother! 🤷♀️
This also happens when you grow up in a narcissistic or addict family system where all the emotional energy goes towards the unstable parent and you are the scapegoat. And no matter how much energy goes to the unstable parent, they will still claim that nobody cares about them and that everyone treats them poorly.
As a drug addict, i grant you permission to blame whichever of your parents was addicted. That’s a legitimate resentment. You can’t see that person solely as a victim. Even addicts are capable of embracing responsibility… For your sake, I hope you’re able to forgive him/her. You don’t want to hold onto resentment forever.
Yeah, Aunt Jenna is there so I'm not sure the example plays out well? I used to walk my neighbours kids from school to home to their grandma (30 minutes round trip walk was too much for her but she was fine to look after and cook for the kids) and the kid raved to the teacher about how her parents, aunts/uncles couldn't pick her up. And I'm like "I'm here for you, just like your great grandma and grandma was there for me when I was little, you have many adults to ensure you are taken care of, we don't have to be related to you to take care of each other."
@@Veradisall depends on aunt jenna. Is she emotional available for the kid, engages and listens like a parent should to substitute the lack? Or ist she just there to open the door, put a meal on the dish and does her own stuff during rest of the time?
& watching Walter Conkrite, reading the newest Readers digest book club massive book. Don't you dare interrupt. Or sleeping from 1 to 3 every afternoon. No talking. Go to your room immediately & do homework. No talking
My mom treated all my human needs like burdens. Scoffed and acted exacerbated whenever I needed anything, even her attention. I was the oldest of 4 and she expected me to be a mini parent and not have any needs of my own. I did everyone’s laundry, dishes. Made the lunches for all 6 of us. Cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, took care of the dog. All starting at 8 years old. And whenever I’d ask why none of my siblings had to chip in, she’d come down on me in a fury about how I was being a brat and how ungrateful I was and how much worse off other kids were. Now, at 40, I look back and realize that a life of isolating myself and doing everything myself to the point of exhaustion was in attempt not to feel the like a burden to others- to avoid the contempt my mother showed me when I wanted to be seen as a person deserving of love and empathy and care (as any CHILD would). It’s really hard for me to ask for help because I feel like people are going to hate me like my mother did. Even tho I know it’s not true now, my body still lives in that trauma and I’m trying to shed that so I can feel less anxious and alone.
I couldn't relate more. My experience was a little different than yours but being afraid to ask for what I need because I think my needs are bad... yeah, that trauma is stored in the body. Just last night I talked about how my whole body will go numb if I even try to ask for what I want or if anyone "confronts" me whether it's praise or criticism. I hope we both have the opportunity to release it from the body in some way.
@@ninarodriguez6158I know exactly the feeling you’re talking about, that feeling of freezing up when confronted. I’m trying to get better at accepting compliments instead of responding in a self-deprecating way. I try to remember that that voice is not mine but my parents “knocking me down a peg.” But the way my body reacts when it’s negative is really uncomfortable. It’s like someone poured ice water down my back and I go into fight or flight. I’ve had panic attacks when I think someone I love is mad at me and I can’t get in touch with them to clear the air. My whole body thinks I’m being abandoned. Therapy and great friends, a wonderful husband and child- it all helps me create a new normal and hopefully my body catches up to the new reality. I believe we both will get there! Good luck on your journey and lean into the love ❤
Im sorry 😞.. you are a good person. You deserve love and care and attention as you are.. I m sorry that your mom couldn't give you these. My mom couldn't give me either. I was second, and always the black sheep... My older sister always was too perfect and my younger brother always the cute boy that my parents did everything for.. I was just not fit in the family..
Empathy to you, I feel the same. Isolating, don’t want to be a burden, and yet not coping alone. It’s like I have become a burden to myself, but can’t ask for help.
@@maribellamathank you, and same for you. We both deserved that love. All children do. I’m sorry your family dynamic made you feel as if you don’t belong. You absolutely do belong, just not with those abusive apathetic people. I hope you found *your* people 🩷 when I found mine, it was the most validating and healing experience. I could lean on others and be supported, not torn down even further. It’s hard at first to receive that love because instinct tells you to run, that another foot is going to fall and you’ll be blindsided by their cruelty. But genuinely good people don’t do that. They just love.
I only learned to deal and heal through my abandonment issues when me and my husband met as late teens. It took about 4 years before i stopped feeling like i was being abandoned even for something as simple as him going to the other room. He has consistently showed up for me. We have been together for 12 years and and have 3 kids. He has taught me so much about what love is❤
As she should. Why not have some compassion for whatever struggles she had and show some grace and forgiveness. You are obviously not a parent yourself or you would understand that most parents do the best they can.
Yeah, and when you try to address as an adult, they'll tell you it's all in your head and they were best parents providing everything you need. That's how they "remember" it
My friend has worked in a preschool for 10 years. She says the children are getting worse with behav ioural issues etc because they are left at the preschool for 9 hours every day while parents are at work. And the parents teach them nothing, they expect the preschool to do everything.
I don't think this is the same. A lot of Gen X kids still had parents who would spend time playing with them, reading with them, teaching them things, taking them on walks and to museums, talking to them about school, going to games and recitals, etc. Not that kids can't do anything on their own, but the parent in the video shows _zero interest_ in her kid's life.
@@vulpixelful no lol our parents maybe showed us how to do our chores or how to take care of our younger siblings , maybe how to load the wood stove without burning the house down, if lucky we got a book read to us until we were old enough to read to ourselves, maybe Dad to play catch for the 15 minutes between getting home and dinner , weekends were when the adults did things they needed to and us kids figured out how to not get pressganged into helping, not like today where parents spend all weekend doing stuff for their kids. we were expected to not be in the house making noise and bothering Mom. this was every household I ever saw growing up rich or poor. if you played sports you rode your bike to practice and the mom's would rotate the car pool for the weekend games and maybe the Dads would catch 1 or 2 a month. Our silent generation and greatest generation parents had no time or inclination to be all lovey dovey like your claiming. maybe you lucked out and were born in 77 and on with boomer parents that all of our older parents hated and called the damn hippies lol
I would have taken an absent Mom over a mentally ill abusive one. We all have scars. Heal and move on. Life is too short to analyze yourself to death. When you live in the past, you have no present and no future. Wish you all the best.
This was my child plus being 1 of 8 children. My dad was busy driving my siblings to practice of some kind and my mother did errands or to busy cleaning the house because it always had to be meticulously clean.
I love how you guys put this information out there. It’s unique and so on point. It brings self-awareness and awareness of others actions. Keep going. You’re killing it! Thank you. 🙏 ❤😊☮️
Same. I’m in my 50s and have an amazing group of women that support me. It’s always been painful for me to ask for help but I’m finally learning I don’t have to do everything on my own. I wish this for you, too 💖
@@sonyatbeasley i’m in the same boat as you. I’m 55 and it took me until I was 53 1/2 to go no contact with my entire family and stumble across a video about CPTSD on TH-cam and then my healing journey began. I have excellent resources and a great trauma therapist but no live support system except for my therapist. I still isolate and I’m not working so I don’t even see anyone. Doing the Work has helped me so much, though. Hang in there. I hope better days are coming for all of us. I believe they will. Good luck on your recovery. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it even at our age. ❤️😊🙏☮️
I didn't even realize this is how I grew up untill I was unknownly wasn't putting the extra effort towards my kids thank God God woke me up and reminded me the most important thing on this earth is following God and love. Not money not anything else
Sounds abt right this make so much sense as to why I was raised the way I was because my mother 👩🏾 was a parentified child growing up who felt all alone in the world 🌎 constantly being betrayed and disappointed 😔 by the people who were supposed to love ❤️ and protect her
Happy you empathize with your mom ❤️. I think i am that parentified child now who’s trying not to screw up her kids but might be failing at it though they say otherwise.
My mum left when I was 3, so my dad was a single parent who had no clue. I was a latch key kid later on and have basically raised myself since age 14. My abandonment issues really seem to come to the forefront when I'm sick...I feel helpless and alone and emotional.
Of course you do, there was no one around to look after you when you were sick, that's usually when children call for their Mothers. So sorry this was your childhood. We can outgrow it, I hope, reparent ourselves and leave the hurt behind.
Omg. Pain. Sorrow. Me. Thats my early life, and my burden now. I’ve NEVER been able to shake free of it. Plus being disliked and ignored when they were around….
So your choice is to let them live rent-free in your head and allow the abuse to run the rest of your life, spending it being a victim. Great choice. Way to go. 🙄
I relate to this video. Both of my parents worked a lot and I was always in after school care and summer camps. All I wanted was to be home. And even when they weren’t working I was often alone. All of my dreams have come true now that I am a stay at home mom. I’m so happy my kids don’t have to go through my experience.
This hurts me so bad . I have no choice but to work long 12 hour shift with an hour drive each way 🥲 I’m almost divorced & dad hates me & will do nothing to help . I try to do everything possible but in 2024 it’s really hard 🥺
Same, as a single mother my worst fear is that I can't spend enough time with my child but also having to provide for him, his future, doing household, getting enough sleep for myself and not going crazy because I am not even getting 2 hours for myself most of the time. It's really hard to balance all that in a healthy way when you are alone and especially if you don't have a car. Luckily there are other options that make this easier but overall I am trying to be there for my baby as much as possible. But daycare is sadly unavoidable if I want to feed him properly.
That is a reasonable excuse for not being able to be there all the time. And I will believe your kid would understand that as well. I feel this video is more targeted at parents who willingly leave their kids to fend for themselves to do what they want to do and not be a parent to their kid.
I once read a really comforting article that said that presented some research. The study showed that it doesn't matter how much time you spend with your child, just that when you do spend time with them it's either positive or neutral. So when you do have an hour with your child, and you're interested in them and showing them love, and getting them to work alongside you, or just sitting nearby, all of that is what's making your kid feel secure. And when you leave them, you leave them with a safe adult, not alone, until they're a lot older
Can I just say this also has the positive effect of making us very resourceful adults. I've made a career out of problem solving and I can fix practically anything in my house. If your kids know you love them that's the main thing. Being aware of how you behave isn't the same as just leaving them to it and expecting them to know how to get on with life like in this video. You are there for your kid in other ways.
Take him to court, pls! If he doesn't want to be a father, too bad, he can at least pay more so you don't have to work so many 12hr days. Mothers letting fathers off the hook are hurting their kids.
I relate to this so much but for varied reasons. My mother left the family home when I was three, my father then put me in care, not my elder siblings, just me. So, in a truly short space of time, mum, dad, sister, and brother abandoned me. My mother did get me back a year later but I lived as a latchkey kid while she was at work and every time, she decided motherhood was interfering to much in her life, I would get dumped on relatives, friends of the family, anyone really, until she felt like being mummy again. The wounds are so deep.
This is the real story of the life of Greg Laurie, pastor of Harvest Christian Fellowship. He wrote a book about it called Lost Boy. I’m sorry you had the same experience.🙏🏼
i was that mother. and i had that mother (she was kind but also busy and her job always came first.) now my dear grown-up daughter has (reasonably) realized she got a raw deal and we are estranged. it is my deepest wish and basically my only thought through the day to reignite our friendship and love. any suggestions from the group would be welcomed. i don’t expect kind responses, so speak your piece, if you so choose. i love my daughter and would do anything to fix this or make amends.
Tell her what you told us. Suggest therapy. Just apologize as often as she needs it. Tell her how you were raised that way and didn't know better, but now you do. Then show up for her emotionally everyday ❤🙏
If this is the real cause of the estrangement, then if your attempt to reach out is rebuffed - then that's on her. I suspect it's something more and if you really don't know, then a couple of therapy sessions might uncover it.
It’s sad that in america our society just fosters abandonment issues…growing up in a household where both parents had to work to make ends meet left little time for them to be able to see my siblings and I accomplishments or just spend good quality time together…they both tried as hard as they could to be there and supportive but sometimes there was literally nothing they could do it was either work the shift or not pay a bill
Definitely feel mortally alone. Grandma raised me, mom was nearby for a while but not present, no idea who dad is and family who i desperately wanted to “belong” to but made it painfully obvious that i didn’t fit in with them because my mom had a different dad 😔. Still struggling after therapy etc
@The Holistic Psycologyst ... I can't get over how each of your videos are So Accurate and also each one feels like an unexpected slap/punch in the face that I can still feel. 🎵
I feel the same way when I watch her videos. Seems like a lot of us grew up this way. Maybe it’s just the way life was (or is) for most people. It still hurts though. But it could’ve been so much worse… that’s what I like to remind myself.
The trap of life for every single mother trying to keep food on the table, and a roof over their heads. That dark place teaches you, you are alone, and you will know you are a failure for the rest of your life. Thanks for the reminder.
When I was a kid, my dad was traveling a lot for work and it was enough time to really miss him, sometimes. When my parents divorced and I'd go back-and-forth, I noticed my dad wasn't around as much as my mom and his work schedule was not very predictable either. At the time, I loved all the alone time but it probably wasn't good for me considering some things I was struggling with. Nowadays, I'm kinda glad for the time apart 😅. My dad has done a lot of emotional damage to me in recent years and unless I know for sure he's working on fixing that damage, I feel content to make my interactions with him minimal. Not saying he's a bad person at all, he just needs to be a bit more self aware and aware of how he impacts others.
Yep.....healing....cutting off co dependent toxic relationships...build relationship with self and a more innerstanding and interconnected relationship with my children n grow from there. Thank you...I'm not crazy.
100%! My parents left me home alone from age 7. When they were home they wouldn’t talk to me and have a conversation, my father figure literally would turn up the TV if I tried to speak to him and either parent didn’t spend too much time with me. However, I was told “you were always outside playing and didn’t want to spend time with us.” Yeah, outside figuring out how to entertain myself.
This hit too deep. Too relatable girl. Didn’t even think I had an abandonment issue cuz there was no one there to abandon me..😬 understanding myself more and more each day. Thank you for the content!
My son is adopted at birth and I think he deals with this. He's 30 now, has met his wonderful birth mom and they have a positive relationship. But my husband died of cancer when he was barely 15 and has never met birth father....
This actually really gave me some insight on a loved one who lets his kids just kind of entertain themselves as long as their not fighting or getting into trouble. He loves them and plays with them but mostly lets them have unlimited screens. He was left to do for himself from very young and is on screens a lot too.
This sounds about right to me... dad died when I was 11. Mom checked out, even though I had my brother it still felt like we did everything alone and it's still affects me to this day.
back in elementary and middle school i used to tell classmates i had three houses; my main one: my grandma’s house. my other two: my dad’s house and my mom’s house
I see my preschool students suffering from this and it is absolutely heartbreaking. I was also raised in a home where my parents worked 11-12 hours a day and left my brother and I to our own devices. Now I struggle with anxiety every single day. And my students are getting it even worse.
This is exactly what I have! My Dad was never home and my Mom was always busy taking care of my siblings(or having health issues and leaving our aunt to take care of us). This explains why I always feel so alone and expect everyone to abandon me!
This is an important nuance of the 1980's latchkey kid phenomenon. I realized recently that I'm alone in most of my childhood memories, even though there were six other people in my home. As an adult, I have developed hyper independence to the point where I would almost rather suffer through a crisis than reach out for help. Sadly, to this day, my family still doesn't check on me, in spite of coming out of an extremely challenging two-year period dealing with my mental health. So, no wonder we don't ask for help. All the evidence points to us not getting it.
Gosh this is a mind trip for me as the oldest of 4, parentified and trying to heal some stuff. Now I have three kids and am trying so hard to break the cycle. I’ve initiated certain things to help- like each kid gets a set day for one on one time, I try to volunteer in their classes, we have a night time system that includes me reading and talking to them. But I still constantly get feed back from them that they need more time with me, that they miss me and want more time with me. I watch them struggle to make close friends that I feel like other kids their age just have. When I talk to people about what I notice, and what I could be doing better they all say I’m overthinking it. I’m exhausted but also terrified. What if they grow up feeling just like I did? What if when my mom says “I did the best I could, darn it!” She felt the same way I do now? What if I’m just perpetuating the cycle, and because I’m not fully “fixed” yet, I can’t even see all the ways I’m messing up for them?
That's exactly how I am after I grew up with an absent father who was working off and my mother who was older when I was born and tired and depressed herself and out in the country with no kids to play with and my parents never worry about making sure I had friends and I don't even know how to be around people so I'm still alone I was alone as a child and I'm alone now because it feels more comfortable
It’s crazy how having been raised by an emotionally unavailable mother who neglected me severely and abandoned me a lot not only affects my relationship with other humans, but it’s affecting my relationship with God. I can’t shake the feeling, I can’t feel loved or can’t trust no matter how many times I’m told I’m loved. I simply cannot believe it or feel safe in it. I feel doomed.
Ouch! Too familiar. My mom was there...but pretty checked out. Love and togetherness+emotional fear/neglect. Results are what you described. Plus lot of self blame. But very, very independent
the way you explain how abandonment wounds affect us hit me SO hard that I had to laugh at the accuracy. the reaction is fitting for the trauma as well lol
So this is why I still feel this way at 35….. single mom with paranoid schizophrenia, constantly moving, constantly switching schools, living on the street and in shelters then foster care. My poor mother must of been overwhelmed
Maybe if it didn’t require both parents working full time and often overtime just to scrape by and provide basic housing, there wouldn’t be so many kids (and adults) with abandonment issues nowadays.
But do you get abandonment wound if you are left alone few times or repeatedly? Because parents will have to leave you alone sometimes for getting things done I think.
That is a complex question. Very severe instances can result in trauma. Maybe the child was having a very difficult time, was left alone then bad things happened. Or repeated instances can still result in more complex forms of trauma. Maybe the child was being bullied in school, and came home every day to an empty home with no one to comfort them. Parents not home until bedtime, etc. Can happen either way but it depends on so many factors it's hard to say. In general, no it's not necessarily going to leave an abandonment wound in every instance. These things also do take time to develop as well, I think.
It’s crazy how there’s so many of these scenarios that feel like you were there with me growing up because I identify with them so well, but I know I’m just one of many who probably feel the same as me. 😢
My mom would leave my sister and I for weeks at a time to go on a party clubbing binge. We’d mostly fend for ourselves or be dropped off at an aunts house. She would just drop us off outside and have us knock to be let in without giving any warning to my aunts. In our thirties now and my sister and I still have terrible abandonment issues that affect us everyday.
Ugh this is so my childhood & exactly what I’m doing to my daughter. I’ve tried to do so many different things in life to be able to spend more time with her & just can’t ever get ahead financially in order to not have to work so much.
That sounds really hard. It's so lame that this society doesn't support the well being of children and families at all. And then blames individuals for not doing better (i.e. more, somehow). People shouldn't have to spend all their time working just to survive. They deserve time for themselves and their loved ones.
@@shockedpikachuface7376pretty sure no one knew the economy was going to suck. It’s nearly impossible to be a single parent today. Stop passing judgement.
Sometimes it isn't even the fault of the parent, but rather the financial struggle to constantly work just to provide for the child, and it can feel really impossible to dedicate more time. :(
Double that with them complain about the way I ended up entertaining myself(video games). I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas through years of work, but this put some perspective.
I have this but my parents were still around a lot, they just smoked way too much weed. They didn't realise how much smoking pot disconnects you from the world around you - so I had absent parents, that tended to just zone out. I can count the things my dad has done with me on one hand. He took me to the movies when I was 12 for example. I don't think they realised that just being there wasn't actually being there.... They also both have ADHD but aren't diagnosed, (my sister just got diagnosed at 35 and it's highly likely that one or both of our parents have it too) so they would hyper focus on their own stuff and ignore me and my sister a lot, also the total disorder and chaos was normal to them so they couldn't see how disordered/deregulated me and my sister were. Mum was better than dad was and we have a good relationship now but I relate a lot to this video.
I really don't think parents intend for these things to happen. I can relate to this so much because both of my parents were involved pretty much part time. They were never married, my mother did the best she could to provide but was definitely lacking in the emotional connection/support area. Nonetheless I'm thankful for her and my dad and my grandparents for planting all of the seeds they did in raising me. No one can do it all on their own and it took me a long time to realize but I'm so grateful that eventually I learned that I couldn't fault her for only doing what she knew how to do. The sad thing for me is now I've landed myself in a not so desirable position of being a single mother. My son's father wants to be involved in his life and is to the extent he can be, but it is very much a strain. Although from the looks of it a marriage without two emotionally healthy adults leading can also be problematic. One thing I refuse to do is allow the effects of being raised by parents who always work and are hardly present make my son into a person who feels less than how valuable they truly are. He is little and I can already see such awesome potential in him. I want to support him every way that I can to promote good self esteem and respect and for him to have healthy relationships with others growing up and into adulthood.
This gave me chills. My abandonment wound came from both of my parents being absent and leaving me to be raised by my grandmother who wasn't married and had to become a single mother. As a result of being a single parent to me and my brother, she was also absent emotionally.
I feel this as a mom of 6 kids ages almost 2 to 13. It is scary for me to raise my kiddos w financial struggles and feeling alone and pressure inside. Trying to love myself thru this. Sometimes the panic gets to me. And of course I want to raise my kids to feel save and loved...
I hear your struggling but get on the pill(?!) so at least you don't have more children to drag up? I've one son which is hard but just because I can doesn't mean I should..we can't afford anymore children
I liked being alone. I’d make up stories to leave my brother so I could be alone. I liked playing with my cousins too but I preferred to be alone. In the woods , horse back riding, reading. I spent more time with father. Milking cows , cutting firewood, fencing but given a choice I’d want to be alone. I never felt lonely. I could do what I wanted when I wanted.
I'm glad I have a chance to learn, grow and understand how my bad choices when my adult kid (24F) was a child affected her and we're working really hard as adults to process those things and rewire stuff when we can. Your content has helped, thank you for that 💜💜
I watch these videos bc I'm trying to assess how far down the hole I am. I'm a single mom of 1, 10y g. I am trying to give her everything I am. I am BOTH this daughter and this mother I am trying to heal trying to reparent myself trying to grow up. Sometimes, I'm empty I don't have anything else to give her. Sometimes I am emotionally drained, I don't have it in me to listen to her and engage and answer all the questions. I am THIS DAUGHTER grown up now with a daughter. I cry ALOT. I don't know what I'm doing...
I must be odd !!😂 but....I loved it when my parents went out...never had an issue entertaining myself at home. It was a welcome relief from them fighting then using me as piggy in the middle to slate each other via little me.😮😊
I'm so so sorry to all the inner children in these comments. You all deserved so much better than the awful situations you were given, children feel so much harder. I wish I could hug you all and I hope you all know that those awful wounds don't define you, you are much more than that pain left on you by someone who didnt deserve you.
Having a Dad who was constantly being deployed overseas while my sister, mom and I stayed home. My mom was very neglectful not only towards my sister and I, but herself too. She found out she had cancer when she was two months pregnant. My dad ended up coming back from his deployment early because of the situation. My sister and I were staying with a neighbor (we didn’t know them because my mom kept us from spending time with other people outside of our family.) She passed within the same week that my dad got back and the day after her 40th birthday. Anyways, I just wanted to say, that it really is hard to make friends when you feel like you’re going to just lose them anyways. I have a hard time keeping jobs because I feel like I’m burdening everyone around me and so I feel the need to just resign myself so I am no longer a disappointment. That’ll be all from me.
This hits alot of people because thought they may have had good family and parents, the fact of life that things are exspensive and a kid doesnt understand money or why you guys have to always work work work. but if u dont ur homeless soo unfortunately this is how shit has to be until we can find a better system
I was removed from mother at birth, spent 2 weeks in an orphanage & then had adoptive parents who took me to work with them in their own business. Neither of them could give me quality time and attention & I distinctly recall feeling incredibly lonely even when I was in the same space as them. The lack of connection was felt deeply. And of course I had already experienced the primal wound as an infant.
I always just wanna feel safe, and sometimes will just go to bed to feel safe and almost like a hug 😭 i used to play board games by myself as no-one would play with me
Omg! This is so real and is so damn sad. My husband parents were exactly like that or even worse. Husband now has so many issues, and he suffers from ptsd.
I feel like both of these people and want to be more present for my own children, it is so hard to model something different when that is how I have felt most of my life 😢
"when you grow up you will feel all alone in the world. You'll feel uncomfortable and unable to fit in and trust people." This is so true and so aweful.
I feel this and I’m not even older yet, man. Shit sucks.
Yes, same here...😢
Yep! Alien status since a young age
😥
💔
Is anyone else overly independent too knowing we can't depend on anyone??
Yes.
Yes there's always more than one way something will affect someone.
Yes
Oh yes! I have this I can't depend on or ask anyone for help mindset because they will just let me down...
🙋🏾♀️
If you’re parents didn’t have the capacity to be present and interact with you, even if they were in the house with you, you can still grow up with an abandonment wound. 😢
Does anyone grow up without issues anymore? It seems inevitable. I was really hungry until my mom got a job but when she got a job, I wished she was around but I wasn’t hungry. Pick your poison.
@@jessicacruit5770I don't think anyone has grown up without issues ever.
Now my question for you is, is your mother aware of how the choice she made impacted you? Because sometimes that makes all the difference for us adult children, when our parents acknowledge that the choices they made when we were little had a hand in our issues growing up, even when in some cases (like yours) it was inevitable for them to make that choice.
Absolutely. My mother was a SAHM because according to her it was "the best for the children to have their mother around"... Guess what that didn't prevent her from assuming that giving us food, shelter and an education was all that was required of them and if they checked all of that then she didn't need to pay further attention to us. It didn't make her be more present with us or with our emotions, and it certainly didn't teach her emotional regulation, a skill she hasn't yet cared to work on to this day.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 I hope she didn’t know. My job as a daughter is to let her know she was the greatest mom in the world and I believe she was. I knew she wanted to be with us. Anyway, she wouldn’t have had to work so hard if my dad didn’t have a secret family on the side he had to give money to.
@@jessicacruit5770 your "job" as a daughter was to grow up to be the best version of yourself, and it sounds like your mother did the best she could with what she had and I'm glad you have a great relationship with her. Your dad though, I'm sorry his actions impacted you guys the way it did... I will never understand what goes through people's minds when they lead double lives like that. You'd be completely in your right to hate him or be furious with him, I know I would.
A mother who's actually calmly explaining what's going on and calling me honey is more than I could have ever asked for.
Absolutely ...
💯 Same here... It's more like you look up and you're like where are they?? Guess I'm doing it on my own again 😉
I had that same thought, but lesser evil is still evil.
@LittleFuzzball333 I hear you- The child seemed like she was given a pretty detailed and thoughtful explanation. I thought this kid was lucky to have such a gentle and kind mother! 🤷♀️
She is just explaining this wouldnt be a real convo
This also happens when you grow up in a narcissistic or addict family system where all the emotional energy goes towards the unstable parent and you are the scapegoat. And no matter how much energy goes to the unstable parent, they will still claim that nobody cares about them and that everyone treats them poorly.
That's so sad but so true. It didn't happen to me but I have seen a lot of it Keith friends.
As a drug addict, i grant you permission to blame whichever of your parents was addicted. That’s a legitimate resentment. You can’t see that person solely as a victim.
Even addicts are capable of embracing responsibility…
For your sake, I hope you’re able to forgive him/her. You don’t want to hold onto resentment forever.
Omg that's so true and I can relate 💙
So many of us were "latch key kids". My mother was a single mother had to go to work. She didn't do it purposely, she did the best she could.❤
Same here!
Yeah, Aunt Jenna is there so I'm not sure the example plays out well? I used to walk my neighbours kids from school to home to their grandma (30 minutes round trip walk was too much for her but she was fine to look after and cook for the kids) and the kid raved to the teacher about how her parents, aunts/uncles couldn't pick her up. And I'm like "I'm here for you, just like your great grandma and grandma was there for me when I was little, you have many adults to ensure you are taken care of, we don't have to be related to you to take care of each other."
Yup, mine were divorced tho
@@Veradisall depends on aunt jenna. Is she emotional available for the kid, engages and listens like a parent should to substitute the lack? Or ist she just there to open the door, put a meal on the dish and does her own stuff during rest of the time?
@@Veradis Aunts, uncles, and neighbors are not parents though. No one can be a stand in for the people who gave us life.
My mother spent the whole day at home but never to care, play, talk... always angry 😡
Or sleeping and dissociated from realty
& watching Walter Conkrite, reading the newest Readers digest book club massive book. Don't you dare interrupt. Or sleeping from 1 to 3 every afternoon. No talking. Go to your room immediately & do homework. No talking
Mind stayed in her bedroom w the door locked.
Hugs for everyone!! 🫂 I’m sorry guys
The anger was the problem.
My mom treated all my human needs like burdens. Scoffed and acted exacerbated whenever I needed anything, even her attention. I was the oldest of 4 and she expected me to be a mini parent and not have any needs of my own. I did everyone’s laundry, dishes. Made the lunches for all 6 of us. Cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, took care of the dog. All starting at 8 years old. And whenever I’d ask why none of my siblings had to chip in, she’d come down on me in a fury about how I was being a brat and how ungrateful I was and how much worse off other kids were. Now, at 40, I look back and realize that a life of isolating myself and doing everything myself to the point of exhaustion was in attempt not to feel the like a burden to others- to avoid the contempt my mother showed me when I wanted to be seen as a person deserving of love and empathy and care (as any CHILD would). It’s really hard for me to ask for help because I feel like people are going to hate me like my mother did. Even tho I know it’s not true now, my body still lives in that trauma and I’m trying to shed that so I can feel less anxious and alone.
I couldn't relate more. My experience was a little different than yours but being afraid to ask for what I need because I think my needs are bad... yeah, that trauma is stored in the body. Just last night I talked about how my whole body will go numb if I even try to ask for what I want or if anyone "confronts" me whether it's praise or criticism. I hope we both have the opportunity to release it from the body in some way.
@@ninarodriguez6158I know exactly the feeling you’re talking about, that feeling of freezing up when confronted. I’m trying to get better at accepting compliments instead of responding in a self-deprecating way. I try to remember that that voice is not mine but my parents “knocking me down a peg.” But the way my body reacts when it’s negative is really uncomfortable. It’s like someone poured ice water down my back and I go into fight or flight. I’ve had panic attacks when I think someone I love is mad at me and I can’t get in touch with them to clear the air. My whole body thinks I’m being abandoned. Therapy and great friends, a wonderful husband and child- it all helps me create a new normal and hopefully my body catches up to the new reality. I believe we both will get there! Good luck on your journey and lean into the love ❤
Im sorry 😞.. you are a good person. You deserve love and care and attention as you are.. I m sorry that your mom couldn't give you these. My mom couldn't give me either. I was second, and always the black sheep... My older sister always was too perfect and my younger brother always the cute boy that my parents did everything for.. I was just not fit in the family..
Empathy to you, I feel the same. Isolating, don’t want to be a burden, and yet not coping alone. It’s like I have become a burden to myself, but can’t ask for help.
@@maribellamathank you, and same for you. We both deserved that love. All children do. I’m sorry your family dynamic made you feel as if you don’t belong. You absolutely do belong, just not with those abusive apathetic people. I hope you found *your* people 🩷 when I found mine, it was the most validating and healing experience. I could lean on others and be supported, not torn down even further. It’s hard at first to receive that love because instinct tells you to run, that another foot is going to fall and you’ll be blindsided by their cruelty. But genuinely good people don’t do that. They just love.
I only learned to deal and heal through my abandonment issues when me and my husband met as late teens. It took about 4 years before i stopped feeling like i was being abandoned even for something as simple as him going to the other room. He has consistently showed up for me. We have been together for 12 years and and have 3 kids. He has taught me so much about what love is❤
I wish I could show my mom this to explain to her how I feel all the time, but she would turn it around and guilt me for making her feel bad :(
That's really manipulative on her part (whether she's consciously doing it or not) and it makes sense that u can't bring issues to her 💙
As she should. Why not have some compassion for whatever struggles she had and show some grace and forgiveness. You are obviously not a parent yourself or you would understand that most parents do the best they can.
Just tell her "so you are blaming a child for your bad parenting? Clearly you had and have problems"
I'd do it anyways & cause a fight. 😂 I am still probably going to send it to mine.
Gen x in a nutshell
Milennials in a nutshell
Yeah, millennials too 😢
@@Felineintuition lol no what most of gen x grew up like was illegal for you snowflakes and it shows
I always thought it was because I was just a "needy child"
Be needy means that your needs aren't being met.
The more you know 🌈
They made you feel that way. Children are supposed to NEED their parents.
That’s what we all thought
Yeah, and when you try to address as an adult, they'll tell you it's all in your head and they were best parents providing everything you need. That's how they "remember" it
At least her aunt was there. That’s a big deal and entirely different than simply being left alone.
This is the Gen X struggle. I don't recall spending much time with my parents. We were shockingly unsupervised. I walked home from school at 5.
Five???? Wow, that’s young!
Same here. Most of my childhood memories are of me alone.
My friend has worked in a preschool for 10 years. She says the children are getting worse with behav ioural issues etc because they are left at the preschool for 9 hours every day while parents are at work. And the parents teach them nothing, they expect the preschool to do everything.
I don't think this is the same. A lot of Gen X kids still had parents who would spend time playing with them, reading with them, teaching them things, taking them on walks and to museums, talking to them about school, going to games and recitals, etc. Not that kids can't do anything on their own, but the parent in the video shows _zero interest_ in her kid's life.
@@vulpixelful no lol our parents maybe showed us how to do our chores or how to take care of our younger siblings , maybe how to load the wood stove without burning the house down, if lucky we got a book read to us until we were old enough to read to ourselves, maybe Dad to play catch for the 15 minutes between getting home and dinner , weekends were when the adults did things they needed to and us kids figured out how to not get pressganged into helping, not like today where parents spend all weekend doing stuff for their kids. we were expected to not be in the house making noise and bothering Mom. this was every household I ever saw growing up rich or poor. if you played sports you rode your bike to practice and the mom's would rotate the car pool for the weekend games and maybe the Dads would catch 1 or 2 a month. Our silent generation and greatest generation parents had no time or inclination to be all lovey dovey like your claiming. maybe you lucked out and were born in 77 and on with boomer parents that all of our older parents hated and called the damn hippies lol
I would have taken an absent Mom over a mentally ill abusive one. We all have scars. Heal and move on. Life is too short to analyze yourself to death. When you live in the past, you have no present and no future. Wish you all the best.
I'm still dealing with this and I'm 50
This was my child plus being 1 of 8 children. My dad was busy driving my siblings to practice of some kind and my mother did errands or to busy cleaning the house because it always had to be meticulously clean.
I love how you guys put this information out there. It’s unique and so on point. It brings self-awareness and awareness of others actions. Keep going. You’re killing it! Thank you. 🙏 ❤😊☮️
Same. I’m in my 50s and have an amazing group of women that support me. It’s always been painful for me to ask for help but I’m finally learning I don’t have to do everything on my own. I wish this for you, too 💖
@@sonyatbeasley i’m in the same boat as you. I’m 55 and it took me until I was 53 1/2 to go no contact with my entire family and stumble across a video about CPTSD on TH-cam and then my healing journey began. I have excellent resources and a great trauma therapist but no live support system except for my therapist. I still isolate and I’m not working so I don’t even see anyone. Doing the Work has helped me so much, though. Hang in there. I hope better days are coming for all of us. I believe they will. Good luck on your recovery. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it even at our age. ❤️😊🙏☮️
I'm 65 and still dealing with it. Goes on forever, it seems. 😐
I didn't even realize this is how I grew up untill I was unknownly wasn't putting the extra effort towards my kids thank God God woke me up and reminded me the most important thing on this earth is following God and love. Not money not anything else
Sounds abt right this make so much sense as to why I was raised the way I was because my mother 👩🏾 was a parentified child growing up who felt all alone in the world 🌎 constantly being betrayed and disappointed 😔 by the people who were supposed to love ❤️ and protect her
Thank you for observing this in your Mom❤❤❤ I hope she realizes you understand. God Bless
Same...
Happy you empathize with your mom ❤️. I think i am that parentified child now who’s trying not to screw up her kids but might be failing at it though they say otherwise.
Hell that's my adulthood too..
I was just called out and realized I may need therapy
No you don’t.
Your kids will thank you, it’s never too late to be more present for them
Just grow up.
@@ReneeWright69lol sure that’s the solution 😂
You can leave your kids with a trusted person to run some errands. They will be fine. Therapy may help with the mom guilt we are all subjected to.
My mum left when I was 3, so my dad was a single parent who had no clue. I was a latch key kid later on and have basically raised myself since age 14. My abandonment issues really seem to come to the forefront when I'm sick...I feel helpless and alone and emotional.
Of course you do, there was no one around to look after you when you were sick, that's usually when children call for their Mothers. So sorry this was your childhood. We can outgrow it, I hope, reparent ourselves and leave the hurt behind.
It’s perfectly understandable to feel this. I wish I could give you a hug.
Same ❤
Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
Omg. Pain. Sorrow. Me. Thats my early life, and my burden now. I’ve NEVER been able to shake free of it. Plus being disliked and ignored when they were around….
It’s honestly insult to injury that they didn’t like me when I was around 💔
Welp, guess who’s cut off now 🫢
@@SailorSkittyVcongrats on the cut off 💪
So your choice is to let them live rent-free in your head and allow the abuse to run the rest of your life, spending it being a victim. Great choice. Way to go. 🙄
@@ReneeWright69You’re triggered. Hope you are able to use it for all that anger and pain.
Gut punch 🤜🏼 these skits are too dang relatable 😭💔
I relate to this video. Both of my parents worked a lot and I was always in after school care and summer camps. All I wanted was to be home. And even when they weren’t working I was often alone. All of my dreams have come true now that I am a stay at home mom. I’m so happy my kids don’t have to go through my experience.
Good job momma. We don’t have to keep making the same mistakes. Best wishes
Had the same experience growing up and really hope I can get to a point to be able to be home for a kid/stay at home like that!
You can afford to stay home., some can’t 😢
Have felt alone and like I never fit in my whole life, but I really was alone after my mother died when I was 10.
Same here mine died when I was 11. 😢 sorry you experienced this.
I’m sorry to you both ❤️ that’s tough and to be so young 😢
God bless you brother
This hit personnel....
It's "personal"
@@rachelh7581 tanks!
I remember BEGGING my mother to not leave me for work. But if not for we d be very poor.
This hurts me so bad . I have no choice but to work long 12 hour shift with an hour drive each way 🥲 I’m almost divorced & dad hates me & will do nothing to help . I try to do everything possible but in 2024 it’s really hard 🥺
Same, as a single mother my worst fear is that I can't spend enough time with my child but also having to provide for him, his future, doing household, getting enough sleep for myself and not going crazy because I am not even getting 2 hours for myself most of the time. It's really hard to balance all that in a healthy way when you are alone and especially if you don't have a car. Luckily there are other options that make this easier but overall I am trying to be there for my baby as much as possible. But daycare is sadly unavoidable if I want to feed him properly.
That is a reasonable excuse for not being able to be there all the time. And I will believe your kid would understand that as well. I feel this video is more targeted at parents who willingly leave their kids to fend for themselves to do what they want to do and not be a parent to their kid.
I once read a really comforting article that said that presented some research. The study showed that it doesn't matter how much time you spend with your child, just that when you do spend time with them it's either positive or neutral. So when you do have an hour with your child, and you're interested in them and showing them love, and getting them to work alongside you, or just sitting nearby, all of that is what's making your kid feel secure. And when you leave them, you leave them with a safe adult, not alone, until they're a lot older
Can I just say this also has the positive effect of making us very resourceful adults. I've made a career out of problem solving and I can fix practically anything in my house. If your kids know you love them that's the main thing. Being aware of how you behave isn't the same as just leaving them to it and expecting them to know how to get on with life like in this video. You are there for your kid in other ways.
Take him to court, pls! If he doesn't want to be a father, too bad, he can at least pay more so you don't have to work so many 12hr days.
Mothers letting fathers off the hook are hurting their kids.
Abandonment wounds hard to heal! Love, kindness & understanding❤❤keep yourself surrounded by safe people & places❤❤
I relate to this so much but for varied reasons. My mother left the family home when I was three, my father then put me in care, not my elder siblings, just me. So, in a truly short space of time, mum, dad, sister, and brother abandoned me. My mother did get me back a year later but I lived as a latchkey kid while she was at work and every time, she decided motherhood was interfering to much in her life, I would get dumped on relatives, friends of the family, anyone really, until she felt like being mummy again. The wounds are so deep.
Damn. That sucks!
This is the real story of the life of Greg Laurie, pastor of Harvest Christian Fellowship. He wrote a book about it called Lost Boy. I’m sorry you had the same experience.🙏🏼
i was that mother. and i had that mother (she was kind but also busy and her job always came first.) now my dear grown-up daughter has (reasonably) realized she got a raw deal and we are estranged. it is my deepest wish and basically my only thought through the day to reignite our friendship and love. any suggestions from the group would be welcomed. i don’t expect kind responses, so speak your piece, if you so choose. i love my daughter and would do anything to fix this or make amends.
Tell her what you told us. Suggest therapy. Just apologize as often as she needs it. Tell her how you were raised that way and didn't know better, but now you do. Then show up for her emotionally everyday ❤🙏
If this is the real cause of the estrangement, then if your attempt to reach out is rebuffed - then that's on her. I suspect it's something more and if you really don't know, then a couple of therapy sessions might uncover it.
Abandonment is my primal wound . .
❤️
It’s sad that in america our society just fosters abandonment issues…growing up in a household where both parents had to work to make ends meet left little time for them to be able to see my siblings and I accomplishments or just spend good quality time together…they both tried as hard as they could to be there and supportive but sometimes there was literally nothing they could do it was either work the shift or not pay a bill
Definitely feel mortally alone. Grandma raised me, mom was nearby for a while but not present, no idea who dad is and family who i desperately wanted to “belong” to but made it painfully obvious that i didn’t fit in with them because my mom had a different dad 😔. Still struggling after therapy etc
Love & Prayers for healing❤️🙏
I really need a hug after seeing this, sending a huge one to any one that feels the same🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
@The Holistic Psycologyst ... I can't get over how each of your videos are So Accurate and also each one feels like an unexpected slap/punch in the face that I can still feel. 🎵
I feel the same way when I watch her videos. Seems like a lot of us grew up this way. Maybe it’s just the way life was (or is) for most people. It still hurts though. But it could’ve been so much worse… that’s what I like to remind myself.
The trap of life for every single mother trying to keep food on the table, and a roof over their heads. That dark place teaches you, you are alone, and you will know you are a failure for the rest of your life. Thanks for the reminder.
The juggling act I face every time I watch your videos: the sorrow I feel for my inner child + the anxiety I feel for my birthed child
When I was a kid, my dad was traveling a lot for work and it was enough time to really miss him, sometimes. When my parents divorced and I'd go back-and-forth, I noticed my dad wasn't around as much as my mom and his work schedule was not very predictable either. At the time, I loved all the alone time but it probably wasn't good for me considering some things I was struggling with. Nowadays, I'm kinda glad for the time apart 😅. My dad has done a lot of emotional damage to me in recent years and unless I know for sure he's working on fixing that damage, I feel content to make my interactions with him minimal.
Not saying he's a bad person at all, he just needs to be a bit more self aware and aware of how he impacts others.
Yep.....healing....cutting off co dependent toxic relationships...build relationship with self and a more innerstanding and interconnected relationship with my children n grow from there. Thank you...I'm not crazy.
100%! My parents left me home alone from age 7. When they were home they wouldn’t talk to me and have a conversation, my father figure literally would turn up the TV if I tried to speak to him and either parent didn’t spend too much time with me. However, I was told “you were always outside playing and didn’t want to spend time with us.” Yeah, outside figuring out how to entertain myself.
This hit too deep. Too relatable girl. Didn’t even think I had an abandonment issue cuz there was no one there to abandon me..😬 understanding myself more and more each day. Thank you for the content!
Oh my goodness! 😢 Your doing fantastic don’t let those hurtful things stop you! You’re an inspiration to many including myself.
My son is adopted at birth and I think he deals with this. He's 30 now, has met his wonderful birth mom and they have a positive relationship. But my husband died of cancer when he was barely 15 and has never met birth father....
This actually really gave me some insight on a loved one who lets his kids just kind of entertain themselves as long as their not fighting or getting into trouble. He loves them and plays with them but mostly lets them have unlimited screens. He was left to do for himself from very young and is on screens a lot too.
This sounds about right to me... dad died when I was 11. Mom checked out, even though I had my brother it still felt like we did everything alone and it's still affects me to this day.
back in elementary and middle school i used to tell classmates i had three houses; my main one: my grandma’s house. my other two: my dad’s house and my mom’s house
YES! That’s why I can’t ever ask for help. My mentality is “I got this and if I don’t, I’ll figure it out myself”.
That hits home like a cannonball. 😢
😭😭😭This hits the bullseye 🎯 for me and my family for sure.
And feeling that way- how do we overcome these feelings?
Therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps
Journalling and changing the narrative.
@@kaitlinbridges9170 I've been journaling since I was like 12 13...coping mechanism
Living in Germany no insurance will pay for such a therapy and I cannot afford by myself...@@dovie2blue
This scenario is scarily reflective of my childhood......thank you for sharing. I pray all us damaged souls find peace and clarity
I see my preschool students suffering from this and it is absolutely heartbreaking. I was also raised in a home where my parents worked 11-12 hours a day and left my brother and I to our own devices. Now I struggle with anxiety every single day. And my students are getting it even worse.
at least you can be there for them when they cant.
This is exactly what I have! My Dad was never home and my Mom was always busy taking care of my siblings(or having health issues and leaving our aunt to take care of us). This explains why I always feel so alone and expect everyone to abandon me!
💯 then find all the wrong people who push you to find self love and heal abandonment wounds
This is an important nuance of the 1980's latchkey kid phenomenon. I realized recently that I'm alone in most of my childhood memories, even though there were six other people in my home. As an adult, I have developed hyper independence to the point where I would almost rather suffer through a crisis than reach out for help. Sadly, to this day, my family still doesn't check on me, in spite of coming out of an extremely challenging two-year period dealing with my mental health. So, no wonder we don't ask for help. All the evidence points to us not getting it.
Gosh this is a mind trip for me as the oldest of 4, parentified and trying to heal some stuff.
Now I have three kids and am trying so hard to break the cycle. I’ve initiated certain things to help- like each kid gets a set day for one on one time, I try to volunteer in their classes, we have a night time system that includes me reading and talking to them. But I still constantly get feed back from them that they need more time with me, that they miss me and want more time with me. I watch them struggle to make close friends that I feel like other kids their age just have. When I talk to people about what I notice, and what I could be doing better they all say I’m overthinking it. I’m exhausted but also terrified. What if they grow up feeling just like I did? What if when my mom says “I did the best I could, darn it!” She felt the same way I do now? What if I’m just perpetuating the cycle, and because I’m not fully “fixed” yet, I can’t even see all the ways I’m messing up for them?
Yikes. I both didn’t need this and really needed this. Wild way to start my Saturday 😬
At least aunt Jenna was going to be there after school 😅 A lot of kids don’t get adult supervision, or are expected to supervise younger children.
That's exactly how I am after I grew up with an absent father who was working off and my mother who was older when I was born and tired and depressed herself and out in the country with no kids to play with and my parents never worry about making sure I had friends and I don't even know how to be around people so I'm still alone I was alone as a child and I'm alone now because it feels more comfortable
It’s crazy how having been raised by an emotionally unavailable mother who neglected me severely and abandoned me a lot not only affects my relationship with other humans, but it’s affecting my relationship with God.
I can’t shake the feeling, I can’t feel loved or can’t trust no matter how many times I’m told I’m loved. I simply cannot believe it or feel safe in it. I feel doomed.
Ouch! Too familiar. My mom was there...but pretty checked out. Love and togetherness+emotional fear/neglect. Results are what you described. Plus lot of self blame. But very, very independent
Ick. This was too relatable 😢
the way you explain how abandonment wounds affect us hit me SO hard that I had to laugh at the accuracy. the reaction is fitting for the trauma as well lol
So this is why I still feel this way at 35….. single mom with paranoid schizophrenia, constantly moving, constantly switching schools, living on the street and in shelters then foster care. My poor mother must of been overwhelmed
Maybe if it didn’t require both parents working full time and often overtime just to scrape by and provide basic housing, there wouldn’t be so many kids (and adults) with abandonment issues nowadays.
But do you get abandonment wound if you are left alone few times or repeatedly? Because parents will have to leave you alone sometimes for getting things done I think.
That is a complex question. Very severe instances can result in trauma. Maybe the child was having a very difficult time, was left alone then bad things happened.
Or repeated instances can still result in more complex forms of trauma. Maybe the child was being bullied in school, and came home every day to an empty home with no one to comfort them. Parents not home until bedtime, etc.
Can happen either way but it depends on so many factors it's hard to say. In general, no it's not necessarily going to leave an abandonment wound in every instance. These things also do take time to develop as well, I think.
@@xorphana Thanks for taking time to explain, that makes sense!
I loved staying home by myself as a kid .
I grew up like this. When I had my kids, I made sure I was present for them. I wanted to break that cycle.
Shit... this hit home😢 I'm trying to re-parent my inner child daily as an adult
It’s crazy how there’s so many of these scenarios that feel like you were there with me growing up because I identify with them so well, but I know I’m just one of many who probably feel the same as me. 😢
This is spot on
My mom would leave my sister and I for weeks at a time to go on a party clubbing binge. We’d mostly fend for ourselves or be dropped off at an aunts house. She would just drop us off outside and have us knock to be let in without giving any warning to my aunts. In our thirties now and my sister and I still have terrible abandonment issues that affect us everyday.
Ugh this is so my childhood & exactly what I’m doing to my daughter. I’ve tried to do so many different things in life to be able to spend more time with her & just can’t ever get ahead financially in order to not have to work so much.
I do think the quality of the time you spend with her is a huge factor as well.
That sounds really hard. It's so lame that this society doesn't support the well being of children and families at all. And then blames individuals for not doing better (i.e. more, somehow). People shouldn't have to spend all their time working just to survive. They deserve time for themselves and their loved ones.
@@shockedpikachuface7376pretty sure no one knew the economy was going to suck. It’s nearly impossible to be a single parent today. Stop passing judgement.
Kids rly only need a little time each day just be present when you’re with her. ❤
@@shockedpikachuface7376 ?!…please, please discuss these type of thoughts in therapy before discussing with anyone else.
Sometimes it isn't even the fault of the parent, but rather the financial struggle to constantly work just to provide for the child, and it can feel really impossible to dedicate more time. :(
Double that with them complain about the way I ended up entertaining myself(video games). I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas through years of work, but this put some perspective.
I have this but my parents were still around a lot, they just smoked way too much weed.
They didn't realise how much smoking pot disconnects you from the world around you - so I had absent parents, that tended to just zone out. I can count the things my dad has done with me on one hand. He took me to the movies when I was 12 for example. I don't think they realised that just being there wasn't actually being there....
They also both have ADHD but aren't diagnosed, (my sister just got diagnosed at 35 and it's highly likely that one or both of our parents have it too) so they would hyper focus on their own stuff and ignore me and my sister a lot, also the total disorder and chaos was normal to them so they couldn't see how disordered/deregulated me and my sister were. Mum was better than dad was and we have a good relationship now but I relate a lot to this video.
😢 this what I sent through, glad it can be explained why I feel the way I feel
She basically described an affliction faced by most latch key kids from the Gen X era.
I really don't think parents intend for these things to happen. I can relate to this so much because both of my parents were involved pretty much part time. They were never married, my mother did the best she could to provide but was definitely lacking in the emotional connection/support area. Nonetheless I'm thankful for her and my dad and my grandparents for planting all of the seeds they did in raising me. No one can do it all on their own and it took me a long time to realize but I'm so grateful that eventually I learned that I couldn't fault her for only doing what she knew how to do.
The sad thing for me is now I've landed myself in a not so desirable position of being a single mother. My son's father wants to be involved in his life and is to the extent he can be, but it is very much a strain. Although from the looks of it a marriage without two emotionally healthy adults leading can also be problematic. One thing I refuse to do is allow the effects of being raised by parents who always work and are hardly present make my son into a person who feels less than how valuable they truly are. He is little and I can already see such awesome potential in him. I want to support him every way that I can to promote good self esteem and respect and for him to have healthy relationships with others growing up and into adulthood.
This gave me chills. My abandonment wound came from both of my parents being absent and leaving me to be raised by my grandmother who wasn't married and had to become a single mother. As a result of being a single parent to me and my brother, she was also absent emotionally.
Ope! You just summed up my entire life in a reel. 🙌
I just literally gasped out loud and said she just described my childhood.
I feel this as a mom of 6 kids ages almost 2 to 13. It is scary for me to raise my kiddos w financial struggles and feeling alone and pressure inside. Trying to love myself thru this. Sometimes the panic gets to me. And of course I want to raise my kids to feel save and loved...
I hear your struggling but get on the pill(?!) so at least you don't have more children to drag up? I've one son which is hard but just because I can doesn't mean I should..we can't afford anymore children
I liked being alone. I’d make up stories to leave my brother so I could be alone. I liked playing with my cousins too but I preferred to be alone. In the woods , horse back riding, reading. I spent more time with father. Milking cows , cutting firewood, fencing but given a choice I’d want to be alone. I never felt lonely. I could do what I wanted when I wanted.
I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to make a new friend in nearly five years. After watching this, I think I know why now.
I'm glad I have a chance to learn, grow and understand how my bad choices when my adult kid (24F) was a child affected her and we're working really hard as adults to process those things and rewire stuff when we can.
Your content has helped, thank you for that 💜💜
I watch these videos bc I'm trying to assess how far down the hole I am. I'm a single mom of 1, 10y g. I am trying to give her everything I am. I am BOTH this daughter and this mother I am trying to heal trying to reparent myself trying to grow up. Sometimes, I'm empty I don't have anything else to give her. Sometimes I am emotionally drained, I don't have it in me to listen to her and engage and answer all the questions. I am THIS DAUGHTER grown up now with a daughter. I cry ALOT. I don't know what I'm doing...
😭😭😭 I hope I didn’t abandon my kids too 😭😭😭😭 this really hurts 💔💔😓
When i left my son to go work, id leave notes and hug him so much before i left and tell him i wish i could stay at home but bills have to be paid.
Abandonment isn't always about someone physically there, parents can be there physically but emotionally unavailable. That hurts just as much ❤
I must be odd !!😂 but....I loved it when my parents went out...never had an issue entertaining myself at home. It was a welcome relief from them fighting then using me as piggy in the middle to slate each other via little me.😮😊
I'm so so sorry to all the inner children in these comments. You all deserved so much better than the awful situations you were given, children feel so much harder. I wish I could hug you all and I hope you all know that those awful wounds don't define you, you are much more than that pain left on you by someone who didnt deserve you.
Having a Dad who was constantly being deployed overseas while my sister, mom and I stayed home. My mom was very neglectful not only towards my sister and I, but herself too. She found out she had cancer when she was two months pregnant. My dad ended up coming back from his deployment early because of the situation. My sister and I were staying with a neighbor (we didn’t know them because my mom kept us from spending time with other people outside of our family.) She passed within the same week that my dad got back and the day after her 40th birthday.
Anyways, I just wanted to say, that it really is hard to make friends when you feel like you’re going to just lose them anyways. I have a hard time keeping jobs because I feel like I’m burdening everyone around me and so I feel the need to just resign myself so I am no longer a disappointment. That’ll be all from me.
This hits alot of people because thought they may have had good family and parents, the fact of life that things are exspensive and a kid doesnt understand money or why you guys have to always work work work. but if u dont ur homeless soo unfortunately this is how shit has to be until we can find a better system
This is so stunning and brave.
I was removed from mother at birth, spent 2 weeks in an orphanage & then had adoptive parents who took me to work with them in their own business. Neither of them could give me quality time and attention & I distinctly recall feeling incredibly lonely even when I was in the same space as them. The lack of connection was felt deeply. And of course I had already experienced the primal wound as an infant.
I always just wanna feel safe, and sometimes will just go to bed to feel safe and almost like a hug 😭 i used to play board games by myself as no-one would play with me
Omg! This is so real and is so damn sad. My husband parents were exactly like that or even worse. Husband now has so many issues, and he suffers from ptsd.
I feel like both of these people and want to be more present for my own children, it is so hard to model something different when that is how I have felt most of my life 😢