CONTROL That Got You Through the Trauma Won't Work On Other People
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
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Control Energy is a survival strategy that helps keep your sanity through terrible trauma. When you try to put it on other people, they pull back. Can you MAKE someone recover from the past and become the person you believe they can be? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has been to hell and back, and is frustrated that her partner resistant to her ideas to improve the relationship.
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Because of you…I’ve come so far, I have hope…thank you!
Rooting for you! - Ashley, Team Fairy
"I don't think I have CPTSD",
*tells about very traumatizing childhood and adolescence*
This is so relatable, TBH.
People of the generation older than gen x love to say that, that they aren’t traumatized by their trauma. Denial was the way of life for a very long time.
Yes! I was in denial of CPTSD.
I was always thinking how can I have CPTSD when I am always the strongest from my family, my group of friends, I was the problem solvers for everyone.... etc. Just to reach a point when physicaly my body gave in.
@@ioanaanaoi8232 I was exactly the same😵💫.... no, the trauma didn't effect me. I can here myself say it....but damn at 45 I broke down, my body hurt soooo much.
Now after 2 years off therapy I'm getting in a better place. But the denying got us through life for a big time laps 😉
So are y’all saying if I continuously say that i don’t have cptsd, i should seek professional help?
Wow, yeah, trauma is trauma. It doesn’t matter what your race or socioeconomic background is. Trauma is not something you choose, it’s something that happens to you neurologically. That’s a common thought amongst many though.
I have, on paper, a perfect upbringing.
Mother always warned me about my tendency for self-pity. Still there are times when I hear her names/description of me in my head and think that isn't suppose to be like this.
Then again, I tried at the age of 14 to ask for help from the school psychology team. They confirmed that my parents education make them better skilled than most parents and I needed to be less contrary and more cooperative.
When therapist told me I control to feel safe. I was like no way...don't think that way about me. Learning how to go with the flow is torture. Like where's the flow going. That makes me nervous. 😐
The idea of going with the flow insinuates there’s only one flow when in reality there are many flows. Think of it as many paths and flowing where you feel is best vs following one flow.
There is a difference between intellectually understanding something and consciously experiencing it
She sounds a lot like one of my old friends. I have stopped reaching out to her as of a few months, because she’s very much like this. Denies she has any trauma (she was raised by two addicts who were always poor, her mom rarely talks to her, both her brothers are in jail - one for murder), and she judges anyone who expresses trauma or sadness for things they’ve gone through. She’s extremely critical of her boyfriend; she got mad at him after his sister overdosed and died because he was mourning on her birthday and wasn’t in the mood she wanted him to be. She told me of that as if I’d agree he was in the wrong… Surely because of his trauma he’s still obsessed with her so she feels no reason to change.
I’ve assumed that she chose narcissistic personality disorder to deal with her trauma. I think that’s common. You either become a narcissist or you struggle in more self condemning ways. She has little friends outside of her boyfriend and sadly I don’t think she’ll ever realize why that is.
"She told me of that as if I’d agree he was in the wrong…"
omg... i'm going through this with my sister. she constantly talks to me with judgement of other people expecting me to just be game to talk crap about other people like she does. she invalidates, dismisses or belittles other people's decisions, experiences and life choices that I think are emotionally healthy decisions and life choices, and then she acts like I am crazy for not being as judgmental and lacking in empathy as her. And it's sad because I see how lonely my sister is, and how much she cuts her self off from the world, but she thinks the world has issues, not her
I'm not sure having narcissistic personality disorder, or any personality disorder for that matter is a choice. NPD, BPD, and others are the result of terrible, ongoing abuse combined with an unfortunate predisposition that's inherent to them. Just life C-PTSD.
It's just harder-- much harder-- to be in a relationship or even sympathize with someone who has no empathy, as is the case of someone with NPD.
But, yeah. It's not a decision someone woke up one day and made for themselves.
Developing a sense of empathy is really good to do.
For a long time, I thought the world was out to get me. That no one understood me/cared about me and that there was no hope. And, that if everyone just listened to me about how bad the world was, it would make it better (…? Yeah, in retrospect, that doesn’t make any sense..)
I learned that you can’t force people to love, understand, or listen. Not in a doom-y way, but in a freeing way. If you don’t like the people in your life, change them. If you are around insulting people who don’t listen, find friends who will. And, most importantly, LISTEN BACK. Care about THEM. Ask about what they love, and what they want to share. Ask them the questions you wished someone wanted to know about you.
You don’t want to be around someone completely self absorbed who treats you super condescending, so why would people want to be around you when you are?
And, I know it’s a tough habit to break/learn, but you don’t have to be perfect right away. Practice caring for people. Practice listening. Practice showing genuine interest. Practice not zoning out lol
Practice smiling, and small talk and all the things you think are stupid now. People like that stuff, and it makes you more friendly. And, you don’t have to be friends with everyone. Sometimes small talk is just small talk and doesn’t need to lead into friendship or a meaningful relationship.
Great suggestions, thanks for sharing your experience.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Excellent topic and response ! There seems to be a lot of ppl in pain ( from Childhood wounds) who hide their pain behind college/ intellectual degrees. Little did we know that those degrees were often bandaids to cover deeper wounds. No matter the number of degrees earned, we are not emotionally healed. Humility is needed rather than arrogance. It is a false perception of superiority based upon degrees one holds or the amount of money those degrees or intelligence have afforded us. Perhaps it would serve us all well to see one another as children- some more broken than others. Thank you, Anna, for these valuable videos.
'And the crowd goes wild. '
Receiving this hard message
Yes, certain ppl who flout their credentials can be a real turnoff. (BB for instance). Saying no more 🫢
I have a psychology degree from 22 years ago. I never used it. lol
Reminds me of my paternal gma who lived with us growing up. It's easier to see it as a defense mechanism, yet still the emotional callousness acts like a spiked armor shell. My gma still acts as if everyone else should just get over their trauma, high horse behavior and all. Does not accept that bootstraps rot and snap, and other paths are possible besides rugged self-reliant pride.
When Sandra said she thought the mood swings Adrian suffered from were oppressive and a power dynamic issue, my gut felt the wrongness of that assessment. It shows the progression from killing their own emotions to viewing emotions outside of a narrow few that are acceptable as dangerous weapons. And so they go around trying to take all the dangerous emotions out like a vigilante. It seems so simple, if you don't like someone then leave instead of bullying them to heal faster for your comfort level.
With such callous inability to be emotionally vulnerable with others, to the point of wanting to squash the emotions of others, my guess is it's fairly normal for the people with these types of coping habits to drive others away frequently. Sandra could choose to stop demanding Adrian meet her expectations of how he should feel and learn to tolerate the emotional reality of others.
Negotiations on actions or words which are hurtful is reasonable, but to claim someone having emotions themselves is hurtful is a reflection of their own issues. So greatful my gma is single and lives a state over; it's kind of damaging to interact with people who actively invalidate the feelings of others so I tend to protect myself from them at all costs.
It would also be good for her to recognize that his emotions are not hers, nor are they her responsibility.
(Like you said, though, they should still discuss hurtful behaviors)
His emotions are separated and like Anna said, she can’t read his mind to know how he’s feeling or his motives.
If he has a problem, it’s on him to discuss it, and vice versa. Plus, to bring up problems in a way that doesn’t blame your response on the other person. It’s so hard to learn, though. (I’m still learning it)
I guess it’s one thing to say, “that thing you said hurt me” and it’s another thing to say “you were trying to hurt me/you always hurt me when you say that.” …
This resonates with me in such a heavy way. I had a therapist tell me once that I intellectualize everything. Only very very recently did I realize that I try to control others. Patrick Teahan did a codependency chart and controlling behavior is a sign of codependency. I’m going through a very heavy time. I always thought I intellectualized my own crap but I do try to read the minds of others psychologist them (I realize that isn’t a word) this episode has helped me IMMENSLEY. Hearing you read this letter showed me the other side of this. Wow I am so sad for the hurt I have caused 😭
Anna has an older video about being controlling that really opened my eyes. I had no idea! People didn’t seem to take me seriously most of the time, so I thought I wasn’t affecting people, but I totally was trying to control! (Probably because I felt that way lol)
If you can find that video, I’d check it out :) Patrick Teahan’s talk about codependence really helped me , too.
I think the word you're looking for is "psychoanalyze"
That would have been very hard to hear as someone writing in. But part of the reason I love this channel is the "tough love"
Many therapists and coaches online, in my opinion, are partially enablers teaching viewers they are only victims and aren't feeding into their own problems in some way.
My father has always had the "get over it" and "stop being sensitive" attitude. He minimizes trauma and emotions/feelings. He's not very empathetic and comes across as callous. I think it's a defense mechanism and attempt to protect himself from shame.
I tend to have the opposite problem being too hard on myself and letting others walk all over me...
my pastor told me that the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" phrase is supposed to be facetious, because it's an impossible task. But I totally know that sometimes it feels like you're feeding on scraps and crumbs of optimism just to live to the next day - and for no good reason you can think of. I'd call it fortitude through exhaustion and fear of pain., lol.
~Wow?!?~Thats true, its impossible to do?!?~So, all this time that saying was not serious?!?~That is really interesting?!!~
We can only change ourselves, not other people.
@@rickrick3169 feel good about your little rant? Hope so! 😁
I realize today that I became a mind reader of others like my parents were to me…. I don’t want to analyze other people’s thoughts, thinking patterns, or their why’s behind their behaviors and decision making. I am going to work on how to stop doing this. My own thinking patterns are most important to me right now. Thanks Fairy!
I appreciated Fairy’s comments. As a trauma survivor myself, I relate to Fairy’s experience that I thought I was fine, even managing better than so many others. That worked until it didn’t. I didn’t know or understand the extreme difficulties traumatized people face until I had to face my own. I certainly never thought they were faking as a way to gain sympathy (Guess what? There ain’t much knowledge, sympathy or help for us out there, which would make faking trauma a really crappy way to get anything from anybody, rich, white or not.
I wonder how much the OP might be projecting her own beliefs and stories on to her former partner. For instance, she says that she finally left him because she felt unappreciated for all the ways she supported him, including caring for his daughter (where and what’s going on with the children who were returned to her?). But when he shows up to support her, she does not seem to be appreciative of him or his efforts, saying only that she did not ask for his help. Seems like she is behaving in the same exact unappreciative manner that she pointed to him for.
Diving deep into the intellectual as an escape from the emotional is absolutely a coping mechanism for people with trauma. I know from experience all too well.
Its called denial. Been there done that
Dear letter writer: Trauma doesn’t discriminate.
Hello fairy! I’m a Doctorate student for psychiatric and mental health and I’d love to come on your channel and explain the very real and very tangible pathophysiological connection to PTSD/ stress and disease. It is NOT at all woo woo and I can bring the receipts. Love the work you do. ❤
I can relate to this topic as being really tightly buckled into myself when I was younger. When I did this I didn't have a soft side really, it was all about being strong, living the opinions from adults i heard as a child about weakness, illness, stereotypes, arrogance, reducing other people by being dismissive. . When Anna spoke before the letter she said about the sort of breakdown of being overwhelmed after a tsunami of problems and how that humanised her from a possibly similar place I was at, high handed and dismissive of weakness, a sort of false control. It sounds like Sandra is in that place and although I wouldn't wish a breakdown of any sort, I'm not sure how you get to be humanised. All I can think is to be vulnerable, be softer in your approach, acknowledge what you lost and grieve for it to open your heart up abit. Good luck 💐 thanks Anna 💕
Such beautiful comment ! I relate to it and to the ladies as well...learning to be softer and humble
I'm in danger of seriously projecting here, but here goes: I think the reason some of us 'I DON'T NEED ANYONE' people become so contemptuous of people that NEED US or SHOW WEAKNESS is our contempt for the weakness in ourselves.
I know my mother rejected me when I behaved in ways that showed excessive sensitivity or fear or anger or made it about herself, and I have a lot of stored up self loathing and anger for that. And so now, when somebody else who doesn't share that damage, makes themselves vulnerable to me, I can be a bit disgusted subconsciously because I reject that part of myself. That's not a healthy pattern. The dude might actually be really nice and a good fit for her. I worked through a patch in my relationship where I had to be more of a 'caretaker' and resented it, and it was worth it. If they like each other despite the dysfunctional dynamic, I'd reconsider.
I agree, it sounds like a dear friend (to me) who dumped me after 7 years. It is heartbreaking.
She said I wasn't doing enough and "therein lies the problem". YET, I had 190, 190, dr and counseling visits within that last year and half, worked for a firm AND had a relationship.
So for the person I trusted in and gave my all to, lending my car, lending an ear, etc. I still hadn't worked enough on my end. I was exhausted and needed understanding, love and empathy. Instead, I received an email that they left.
Thank you for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m so sorry. That is horrible that after seven years, your partner didn’t face you and instead took the cowardly way to break up. I hope in time you will see you deserve so much better.
Such good video content. Three sisters raised in trauma. Escape, cling, control. Thank you for the continuing education. I look forward to your videos. You cannot know how much you have helped me with my healing and understanding of childhood trauma. You are a blessing.
So glad the content has helped :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My therapist [clinical psychologist] does not speak in this way in assessing & pointing things out. I just talk, talk, talk for more than 1 year. Goes by the book approach and says 'It's all about the client". I certainly would like to experience this type of dialogue & way of relating in session. I find it very valuable & appreciate your way of relating & communicating very much. I have conveyed my views to this professional. They want to hear more from me which to me is more of the same. I have background in psych and am 'engaged', open & willing. Perhaps, I will restructure my time & scheduling with less frequency.
Any input you could share...Thank you.
Dear "Sandra",
I've arguably been where you were/are. Keep doing your homework on yourself. Acknowledge and articulate what you felt, as an intelligent adult, when you went through your worst times. Being "strong" or "smarter" or better can be a defense mechanism.
Love is... kind
Appreciate the encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
There are some magical questions, asked when things go wrong:
“What can I do to make it work?”
“Help me to understand how you feel”
Asking your partner that, shows you respect them, are considerate, open minded and that you care.
Don’t just ask for the sake of asking though, ask and truly & utterly hear them out, without interrupting.
🇮🇩 Wow that narrative "her only value is aggreing with mom", kinda sound like me. I feel like a rebel and discarded being different from mom's expectations, and that gave me the sensation of unworthiness. That sentence awaken me. I was wrong. I am valuable for being me, even if everyone disagree. Hmm...thank you
I see my mother all over this video, oh my God. She's judged her sisters my whole life for not taking their traumatic childhood and just getting over it. She's mostly been a wonderful parent, but there's definitely controlling tendencies and my sister and I both internalized that we were not allowed to be "weak." Mom says she has no idea where we got that idea.
Oh crap, I've been found out.
The things that frustrate us , are the most important information that we need to pay attention to. criticising other people’s weakness is nothing but a way to hide our weaknesses which we are ashamed of. and that’s applicable to a lot of the upsetting or frustrating thing we find in other people . She is in denial because of a toxic shame she’s unaware of. We built massive strong walls to hide the little hurt child
Autism is genetic. As a fem late diagnosed ASD can recognise the thought patterns. And the distorted focus and confusing mixed messages that we can't control others but are still at fault for how they react to us. It's hard. OP has over come so much. Hopefully with asd focused help breaking down the black and white thinking they can move forward too.
Thanks for your thoughts!
-Cara@TeamFairy
How about chronic sadness from ptsd? I'm sad most of the time
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me too. I cried every day for almost 3 years. Since doing the daily practice it’s a lot less. I just started about 3 months ago and sometimes I can go almost a week without crying. But I try to think of it as cleansing of old wounds.
i could be way out of place here but between the over-explaining, the high standards placed on everybody, treating human interaction as a sort of math all give and take, putting more value in research and whats ''reasonable''... i'm seeing my self a little bit.
and by that i mean my diagnosis OCPD might apply to this person.
most of all because of the lack of insight, like one's personal perspective is indistinguishable from the objective truth :/
i'm not there anymore, thankfully treatment has made a difference, but the impulses are still there, to believe i know better or understand more and that everyone else is not trying hard enough to be as i am 😅 its a response to fear, that nothing can ever go wrong again if i just separate myself from vulnerability and hover above my world like a hawk, never outsmarted or caught off-guard, judging people for ''choosing'' to be ''mice'' and such 🥶
I relate a lot to how you were as a young adult. I sometimes feel "halfway healthy" in that I have a good job, know how to take care of myself financially and physically. Yet, I struggle with emotional maturity, self compassion, patience with others and assertive conflict resolution. I have hurt family friends and ex partners, been unprofessional in conflicts at work and been financially careless. Your videos have taught me so much and introduced me to CPTSD. I've done a lot of therapy, but your videos have been able to fill in a lot of gaps in how to actually change my life. I've been messy, immature and volatile in the past, but now I am seeing real change in my life.I really respect how open you have been about your own self defeating and hurtful behaviours. It helps to know someone who admits they have made a lot of the same mistakes as me has come a long way in being the mature, self assured person I want to be. Thank you ❤
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience with us. Glad you've found Anna's content relatable and helpful! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Struggling with this deeply still. Can’t wait for the day I overcome
We are behind you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good timing for me personally. My amazing horse died suddenly 2 days ago. I'm in shock and devastated and when I'm grieving I rage really bad and hate on everyone and everything around me which I'm currently doing. I want to blame everyone for his death but he had a respiratory condition and he had to have had a heart attack. I dont know to grieve properly and receive love when grieving.
not too long ago. people wore black. or black armbands for a year when they were grieving. it was a signal for others to be sensitive with their words, and not to be surprised by your outbursts. Nowadays we don't "wear our heart on our sleeve" so we let people know we are grieving in other ways.
I'd probably work on blaming people and getting angry - you'll regret that, and you'll just end up piling on more grief.
Instead, when you feel the emotional vomit rising up suddenly, recognize your need to do something quickly. You can tell people you're not yourself, or excuse yourself and leave, you can say youre distracted because your dearest companion has died, you can tell them they don't have to try and fix it or make you happy. Reassure them, and yourself, that the pain will pass, eventually.
But in the meantime, your brain needs to seriously rearrange some stuff. Try not to let anything bitter take root. If you have a mind to, pray.
My condolences.
@@carbine090909 thank you for this. I recognize the pattern in myself and I'm trying to fix it and do better this time around in the grieving process. It's hard but I am trying. I am not being as mean as I have been in years past because I understand what I'm doing now but I am still not being nice. Thank you again❤
@@florentinaguggenheimer6557 of course, chéries. we've all lost someone we love. When we reject love, it means we want the love we had before, and even if we find it again, we expect to have it taken away again. It hurts not to be able to pour your love into someone or something. That would make anyone angry, and a little crazy. May the good Lord remember you and shine His face upon you, Ms. Florentina Guggenheimer. 💖
I'm sorry for your loss, don't worry about grieving properly. Grief has a way of doing it's thing, you don't need to manage it.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you Cara❤
“CPTSD hijacks the nervous system: People aren’t just being lazy- failing to rise to the occasion”. So well said, Anna! 🫶🏻
Sounds to me like she is hiding behind all of her degrees thinking that will heal her. .. Remember the old saying "Money can't buy you happiness.."..
PS one sign of being severely burned out was inability to feel emotion. I had it all walled off and was emotionally flat. Maybe that's also what's going on with her. Part of healing can be breaking through to the part that stores up all the negative emotions.
I have yet to hear one of your videos that has not been helpful. Your content is so discerning and wise. I also started meditating again after some of your videos. It’s incredible how effectively your have found your gift and the way to share it.
To me, that letter described terribly traumatic experiences as a child and young person and some typical behavioral reactions without seeing that she was reacting out of trauma and ptsd. I went through terrible verbal abuse as a kid which went on most of my childhood. I've always known that it wounded me deeply but can recall when I tried to control and judge those around me to make my reality less painful - never worked but I tried. Adult Children of Alcoholics helped me tremendously to start owning my stuff more and stop fixing others and get away from the unhealthy ones. (ACOA is for children of dysfunction, not just alcoholic parents).
Great suggestion, thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I really enjoy listening to your ways and explanations, going through your (even) bad past choices so openly, humble and down to earth, which is so unbelievably refreshing considering how people usually don't share "those" part of themselves with each other. Thank you for that :)!
You are welcome. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you! Controllers can get really defensive when you share a different opinion and try so hard to make you the problem.
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow. To me this letter is the woman wanting to be understood. All sides need deep care of self and others.
Wow...up until I was in my late 20s / early 30s, I was a control freak. Possessive, jealous, resentful, angry, etc.
In my mid 20s / mid to late 30s, that control blended into and then changed into clinging (only to my partners).
Now, in my early / mid 40s, I turn to escapism. I zone out. Not all the time, but I need SO much time alone to just BE. If I can't get that, I withdraw.
Excellent!!! So acute and on target!!
Thanks Anna!!!
Trying to control is a symptom of denial of the reality of her past!!
😣
What a wonderful man in my eyes at least. Flawed but aren’t we all? Sometimes it’s hard to admit it’s our trauma that’s messing up our relationships. I’m learning this on my journey to heal. And what you said about trauma on the body. I’m Recovering from hysterectomy and it’s not lost on me that I had Lots of trauma in that area. so true that the body attacks itself! I also have SLE Lupus and it’s all slowly making sense. I’m horrible with word but maybe someone here will understand.
If verbal communication is important to the one person, then the other person could try to start daily a few minutes a day to communicate verbally. It's a learned skill.
Great topic. Great response. You gave new meaning to "crappy". Sometimes, the truth is crappy. You delivered the message with empathy and kindness. BUT, the truth was the utmost message.
To use one term I got from these videos, "half-love," relationships, (if I understand it), "settling," for less... we always think of that in terms of cheating ourselves and less about how abusive it is to the other person. Much thanks to the channel.
(just to clarify my meaning, we don't consider "clinging," abusive)
She chose to become a heroin addict. Obviously not everyone exposed to those same circumstances would have done the same. Does she really not realize on some level that the addiction was in reaction to the trauma ? To claim to have not been super affected by it just doesn't make sense. She even chose to bring children into that addiction experience time of her life. To have figured out so much about people, yet have such a blindspot in regard to the how the trauma really did affect her deeply, goes to show how at every level, we all have such blindspots.
@@aryadler8776 Then how does anyone ever recover from an addiction ? They have to chose to recover also.
@@aryadler8776 Not connected at all ? Please do substantiate how that is the case, if you will. Just because someone does not choose addiction from a conscious place, doesn't mean they didn't chose it subconsciously. And when they decide to recover, even though that decision is conscious, it still requires that it not be in conflict with the subconscious beliefs, or the effort to recover will be in most cases, unsuccessful.
Yes I thought it was so interesting how she describes so much trauma and was so oblivious to it. Sometimes our unconscious chooses denial as a defense mechanism hers obviously has made that choice!
I have a friend who’s mom would kick him out of the house unless he smoked crack with her, as young as 12 years old. I had another friend who walked in on people doing coke and they held him at gunpoint and made him snort a line so he wouldn’t say anything. My aunt was given 4 tabs of lsd when she was 12 without knowing. They didn’t choose that. A lot of people might chose to do a drug for the first time (for any number of reasons, as an escape from trauma being a relevant example) but addiction is a physiological dependency of a chemical. You don’t choose for your brain to change, you don’t choose addiction. Addiction is a disease, not a blame game.
@@chrish5697 Nobody is playing a blame game by just acknowledging that people chose addiction, however unconscious the choice may be.
And you are conflating forced first experiences (that you gave examples of)with addiction, but they are two very different things. My first comment is very clear in saying that not everyone exposed to the same circumstances becomes addicted. That is just the simple fact of the matter. I place no judgement on the person who unwittingly decides to keep using. But if they want to recover from it, it will be fully up to them to take it on. If they are fortunate enough to have support and encouragement, so much the better. But ultimately support to recover won't make them recover, just like support to use the drugs can't force them to keep using. That is the simple point.
It takes two to tango. Successful relationships need both partjes to keep channels open, and not shoot the messenger.
The letter writer, my first thought was that she has CPTSD (or would have if she could remember things. So there is possibly some kind of dissociation going on, as a result of what to ME sounds like severe trauma)...
...and the very rationalised / logicified / analytical / lack of empathy and a deeper understanding of people / staying on a purely cognitive level, points to a deep trauma in her own life and self that has led to the cutting off of her own deeper emotions as well as understanding and tolerance for others' emotions. There is too much trauma for there to be any room for true empathy and self love.
Appreciate your perspective.
-Cara@TeamFairy
At first I was going to comment on a friend of mine but instead I have to remember even through I'm well read and intuitive I still can't or should not read minds. It's a tough letter but hopefully they can see maybe they have actually had a hard time too and it's maybe better to focus on their own personal development than focus then other people.
I am very much thankful for you and your videos. I wish you all the best and thank you for the work you put in. I am grateful.
We're grateful for YOU! Thanks for watching and supporting the channel. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Hi Fairy! Kinda off topic for this video. Could you do a video on interdependence? I’ve had to grow up very self-sufficient and would love resources or tools to try to integrate myself more. This is such a broad term and I have much healing to do, (I’m in therapy) but I understand if needs to be narrowed down a bit. Thanks!
Perhaps write to us with some context? hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
dealing with these type in the work place has sucked!
I know someone that was just as judgmental, she didn’t understand until she experienced severe depression that manifested itself physically.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Tough love indeed. In her defense I once knew someone who used their emotions and depression to control people and seek sympathy in extremely manipulative ways (but had nothing to offer when his partner was in grief). I was a little shocked by this one! When it comes to personal matters I can't see clearly at all so I hope you have given her food for thought. I would like to offer a helpful suggestion for someone who thinks they intellectualize ; STOICISM is challenging but may offer a way through!
The first letter was very triggering/insulting so I’m not going to comment on it. However, I will say that before I did the CPTSD work on myself, I may have fallen victim to that mindset. I hope they both find the proper healing.
The second I heard the word "privilege" it was over for me.
Thank you for this video. I found it very challenging. Will you consider making a video for us that has "here is an example of controlling behavior" versus "here is an example of practicing good boundaries and asking for what you want?" It would help to have the compare/contrast for those of us who have a hard time knowing the difference.
Great suggestion. I'll pass it along to Anna for consideration. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you. ❤️
Neurodivergent here!! And proud of it !!!!
As you should be!
@@sarahalessa78 thanx love!
OH my gosh this guy has no obligation to act or be like any of the things this letter writer wants or needs... He's shown her who and how he is and if she feels she needs and deserves more than that it's truly up to her to leave and find more for herself, not to control or change him. And that's not me taking sides, it's just facts. I'll admit though, this was the first letter writer I personally found challenging to empathize or sympathize with.
It doesn't sound as if the writer had a 'lack of generosity'. It could simply be a case of a high functioning (undiagnosed) woman on the autism spectrum, having CPTSD herself, too - there're so many of us out there! Most women I know who fit this description are known to be very, very honest and direct, not necessarily 'sugarcoating' uncomfortable, straightforward truths. There's a place for this in society, as well as in individual relationships ( - however, maybe not necessarily with that particular kind of mentioned partner).
Sending love!
This topic is very interesting.
Such a great... heartfelt response... so much power in seeing the emotions you get from someone, is the emotions they're nomatter what I would think is annoying.
As the youngest we are put in that position
Wow, this was so good. What a great feedback for her. It really helps me actually get perspective. Thank you.
This was a tough letter to get through.
I do understand what she is saying about the social economic classes, from the other side.
While I learn a lot from you and Patrick T. you are have addicted parents and come from humble beginnings.
I,on the other hand, have academic, resourceful parents. Father was a pastor and mother an elementary school teacher.
Except from hauling me off when I refused to go to my room I didn't suffer physical corrections.
I might describe the treatment from my siblings as bulling if not for mother always having excuses for their behaviour and off to my room I went.
From her POV she fought an uphill battle to make me a less obnoxious person and would lecture me over and over again.
But she just didn't want me to be a person who made other sick to their stomach.
I could argue that there was a lot of double communication, leaving me feeling wrong all the time.
I could never learn when to read between the lines and when not to read between them at all.
Apparently I only cried as a way of manipulation.
Most people I meet with CPTDS have horrendous stories to tell.
(Mother stomped on his hand, father dislocated the shoulder, wasn't allowed food for days)
So how can I feel sorry for myself?
Yes, I am one of those upper middle class brats using CPTSD to feel sorry for myself.
CPTSD doesn't care about socioeconomics. If you have it, you have it. We're not feeling sorry for ourselves here, we're working on healing, and you belong.
Dear Anna , thé work you do is tremendous
Inspiréd by you i am starting to build my own road Map on thé process of healing
This is very powerfull because This is Taylored for me
As a child i used to implement advices as a Good student but that did not help
Now i do It differently : i see your videos , i let It sink and then i create my own tools
Thank you to Be
I'm glad to hear your designing your road map- good work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"Mom was a child psychologist" and "Mom had Münchausen by proxy and a personality disorder". 😳 This is off-topic (thank you Fairy for the great video as always 🥰) but it is my belief that most psychologists pick their profession to heal their own, often pretty severe, mental issues and not because they want to help anyone but themselves. I knew a few who actually had mental illnesses. I don't think I would want to have my psyche dissected by people who might be dealing with ever more severe mental problems.
Aren't you mind reading here as well and deciding and judging on a narrative comfortable to you? It was just in the video. You really do not know for sure why most people out there choose to be a (child) psychologist. Okay you 'know' some peeps but eventhough they struggle with mental health themselves, it might not mean they can't be amazing at their job. I mean the lady above in the video is also still dealing with trauma, in a healthy way yes, but still dealing with it, you love her videos and take advice from her? But mostly to me I find this a fearful narrative that could come across avoidant, demotivating and blocking to/for some ppl to actually go out and find some help.
@@dianavandevalk3714 And what if 'going to see a therapist' is not the ultimate solution for every single person? That hasn't ever crossed your mind, has it? Anyway, this is a comment section where one can share their opinions, so stop jumping at my throat!
Moreover, Fairy in fact is NOT a therapist and she highlighted it multiple times, and also stated that classic therapy did not help her. People with the capability of understanding complex things will understand that by saying that she did not imply that going to therapy is useless, and neither have I implied that all therapists are that way.
There is a really good book I am reading right now called Letting Go byDavid Hawkins. It is about a different way to treat your feelings and emotions. It is about feeling comfortable with the space between our thoughts 💭.
I know for every year of Alanon I got 5seconds of space between my thoughts 💭 and reaction time 🙏❤️🌻🥰🥰🙏❤️🌻
Love David Hawkins!!!
Thank you, this was really awesome to hear today,
I really think this person's prospective is interesting. I can relate to her. I used to mentally behave similarly to her and I cannot remember what happened to my childhood. I realize that because I had to dissociate my emotions by ignoring my emotional reactions a lot, so I am lacking my emotional experience. But it was very common in my (Asian) culture to dismiss ur individual need when I was growing up .. also in some Asian cultures those scholar experience over weight evaluation on individuals, so I wonder that's why it is normal to her about acting so entitled about her "strength"...
Appreciate you contributing to the conversation.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sounds to me that she is only consider her own feelings rather than others .. In a way I feel sorry for her because of her lack of empathy towards others... Especially her children ..
And her Sister and Parents too ..
I use to think, I know all the theory’s why do I not get past this CPTSD? I have been working on it for approximately 4 years and it was very painful but I now feel so much freer. Although I still get triggered it does not last nearly as long!
This is great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This letter made me feel sad ... She comes across as such a "cold fish" about her boyfriend ... My mother is that way and has always made me feel "less than".
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Whenever I read the comments on Anna’s videos, I see so many people who sound just like me. Where are you all in real life..? I’m out here all on my own, intermittently judging people to feel superior and then having bouts of chronic inferiority when I realise that I can’t keep running from the past, but also don’t want to give up the ghost, but also, but also...
We have a whole membership community with people just like you too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So true
Also sounds to me like another old saying."Two wrongs don't make a right.."..
Dear Anna, maybe Sandra doesn't know HOW to love...i realise now that i do not think I know how to show LOVE. Of course i am controlling and demanding and angry when people don't show me love and attention, or I let them abuse me, due to a bad verbal and physical abusive childhood...so I did not see real love in my family. It was all conditioned.
No real model for love here ..
Thank you for your eye opening conversations
I think both need to be in CODA, Therapy or both...
I disagree here. The first letter, when someone does spiteful things in return for something that was said or done by someone that is not a control thing or ego thing to realize that that is what they are doing. I think to deny this manipulative tactic is to allow yourself to be trampled by the other person's arrogance. For clarity, I was in a relationship that lasted around 4 years with someone who did this quite frequently. If I stood up for myself by not agreeing to certain things, or not wanting to do certain things, it was definitely used against me. For example, I didn't like the way naps made me groggy and I only took naps rarely. If I had a headache or wasn't feeling well would be the exception. Well, in an argument with this guy that was lasting days because we were breaking up but still stuck living together, I decided to take a nap one day. He wasn't home and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. So I lie down and prepare for some peace. He comes home and starts badgering me even though he sees me horizontal and with closed eyes. When I finally told him to back off because I was trying to rest he started the whole, "Oh, but you don't take naps I thought." He was harassing me as I was trying to rest undisturbed FOR SPITE. IN RETURN for not taking his crap anymore. That was not my ego or need to be controlling. WE have to use our reasonable judgment with others because how else do we recognize that we are in a bad relationship? People can and do act in certain way IN RETURN when they don't like an argument or feel like they aren't getting their way or what ever. It's a real thing. And it is okay to realize this when it happens.
This video hits hard 😬😳
Could you cover more about controlling behavior of CPTSD survivors?
Now I understand, you remind me my mother, she is very annoyed when I'm not like she want me to be and she seems this perfect person, good girl. I was very triggered when there was judgment around beeing wierd on this chanel, because that's my trauma, I had to be this perfect good girl to get love, but in my heart I'm wierdo. I'm afraid of beeing seen as wierd, and becuse of that I'm super boring, closed off person.
This reminds me of my older sisters.
How could her mom have the emotional intelligence of a thirteen year old but be a psychologist. Yikes
How can I begin the process of facing the past on a budget? I have been told by a professional that both my parents were probably narcissistic. My second wife of 23 years was as well. My relationship w/first wife also ended terribly. The few girlfriends that I have had in between eventually went horribly wrong as well. I have also been told by the same professional that I am more than likely suffering from w/CPTSD. Also experienced much physical trauma throughout my life. Appreciate any suggestions about beginning to deal w/this 24/7, 365 days a year condition.
Start right here: bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
This content is always good.. I can only watch your content in moderation because of how emotionally taxing it can be/how it stirs up emotions... any thoughts on how to approach this?
My main message is to come use the Daily Practice techniques. They are like WD40 for calming overwhelm and fearful/resentful thoughts, and moving forward in your healing! It's free. it's always linked in the description section below with FREE TOOLS -- or go to Free Tools page of my website.
Anna what's your opinion on parasocial relationships and if neurotypical people are more or less susceptible to parasocial relationships than people with CPTSD?
This response seems a bit harsh.. I hear a lot of good in this writer. You're usually so good to gently nudge people to observe their negative thought patterns, but I feel there was too much tough and not enough love here. Will she be able to hear it? Or put up more defenses?
She has some valid and well thought out points, worth discussing instead of dismissing outright. Though I admit, they are hard to hear.
I think she has incredible strength and it makes sense her defenses are so high. I hope she keeps on the path of healing and doesn't abandon the channel or daily practice.
Your response was perceptive, just felt a bit harsh to me.
It reminded me of this philosophers' thoughts on love, which I am leaving here in case she is reading through these responses.
Thanks for all you do, and much love to this writer.
th-cam.com/video/sPOuIyEJnbE/w-d-xo.html
❤️❤️❤️
Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is an idiom statement.
How do you feel about searching for memories through being hypothesis? I have wanted to do this for awhile now. I have recently discovered some secrets such as my father was bisexual and my sibling and I don't have the same father. And I may have a sibling that is older that was given up for adoption. I have had dreams about her. If this isn't enough, I'm dealing with my finance dying and my own health issues.
Sorry to read about your fiancé dying and your health issues. After finally getting some peace in my life my brain just allowed the repressed memories to surface. Thankfully I had some grounding practices in place. It can be a pretty scary thing to look at some of those pictures from the unconscious. That I would say he don’t even need to be hypnotized. You could just ask for it. Get yourself to a relaxed meditative state and allow. But heed the statement… Be aware of what you desire you may get it.
I think she went easy on the author, to the point of doing her a disservice. This person is OVER THE TOP on the arrogance scale, and what I refer to as "living solely from the neck up".
There is a line between empathy and enabling.
And then the author's back story. No CPTSD? LOL. In what universe?
I love this channel, it has helped me a lot, but this author need a much more direct reality check IMO. Doesn't mean I'll be watch any less of Anna's videos though. Life goes on :)
She needs to look in the mirror---hello, cptsd!
❤️