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The Benevolent Narcissist Hides Behind Good Deeds
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 มิ.ย. 2022
- A benevolent or altruistic narcissist is tricky to spot. They are not your typical narcissists because they are giving and caring and show every sign of loving you.
They grant you attention, time, and effort. They're very generous in that way, but when they turn on you, it's just as devastating as with any narcissist. You’ll feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued and discarded … sound familiar?
This video is all about understanding the benevolent narcissist’s particular manipulation tactics and how they hide behind good deeds to deceive you and everyone else.
Yet, healing yourself after falling for these tricky, toxic types is possible, as is identifying them sooner than later - watch the video or read the transcript to learn how.
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This is my mother. One minute, she's showering me with favors and gifts I don't want or need. The next, she is viciously attacking the most benign behavior - like me making a minor mistake and her sneering at me for being so hopelessly incompetent. I know this relationship isn't sustainable, but I need to clear out FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) to make that final move. It's very challenging work.
I totally get you ..my mum is so charitable outside the house . Giving away garden produces to the neighbours , giving away money to random people as charity , give away books we no longer use to neighbours and she even promised kidney to one of her nephew is the biggest joke of the year ..At the same time , she makes up stories about the whole family , about my dad that he has affair , that i don't help her in kitchen and smearing campaign to all these people who uses her" KINDNESS "..It's hard for people to see through the acts , no matter how much you try to clear the air .. Have a goal in your life , don't share with anybody whom you think does not support that goal and move on ..Your mother will suffer the consequences of what she did in some form or the other ..
I've suffered from codependency for about 35 years, I've experienced what u described about your mother from family, clergy. Employers, roommates. Melanie Tonia Evans is amazing. I originally healed with lisa romano. But the narp videos are also very helpful to me.
My ex was and still is a narcissist.The typical narc.The first 2 and a half years he was so accommodating.He bent over backwards .In the back of my mind after certain conversations I realize now he was after me to put my house in his name too.we were married 24 years.After the first 2 and a half years he turned into monster.He went into temper tantrums....List his interest in intimacy totally,never thought twice about a hug or anything romantic. Why I stayed for that long is beyond me.So much happier now even though I am now 67 years old I have a lot to heal from.Never again will I be so dumb.Not looking for romance ,I am looking to find myself and be truthful to myself.Thank you for your words of understanding and knowledge
Embrace yourself with love! This narc gonna make you lose your soul, I have worked so hard for years to make sure my narc husband gets okay only to discover he has several ladies he has been sending money to, he acts rude to me at home, we had a joint account and he got me locked out and he kept lavishing and spending the money on this lady, so I decided to make a smart move, I did research on Google and I was recommended to this cyber genius,” we spied on his mobile phone and laptop I found out he has been involved in a lot of cases trying to file a divorce and also found deleted and non deleted messages, now I have so much proof to file a divorce...I Highly recommended him for his great job don't let your partner abuse you...
instagram.com/jeanson_james_hack__?
I am on my own for the first time in my life, am on a new journey of independence like never before.
Thank you for this video! I know people that fit into that label quite well.
If I could say one thing... Unconsciousness is one thing, but as for responsibility, one has to be careful. You are not responsible for people treating you badly without reason, and narcissists do that over and over.
Narcissists in my experience always have 3 common traits. First, they are ALWAYS self-aggrandizing. They need to be above others. Secondly, narcissists don't process negative emotions, they practice "emotional unloading." Transferring the pain and hurting someone and seeing them suffer somehow relieves the narcissist of the emotion. And third and MOST importantly, narcissists all practice a dangerous technique I call "emotional clouding." They use and illicit dark-side emotions or dark-side behaviors and situations and traps to overwhelm emotionally a person and "cloud" a person's intuition. And this is how people truly get hurt since this is completely NOT normal behavior that normal people cannot understand or process.
I’m so glad I dumped my sister (actually it was mutual I think) years ago. She fits the description of this type of narcissist and she had me so confused until now. I really needed to hear this. She did horrible things to me yet she gave me money here and there because she’s very well to do. It’s clearer that what she did would definitely be classified as abusive. She was thrilled and smiling when she first saw my permanent badly damaged eye and face. When I was in the hospital I was given an injection that caused me to have a seizure. It made my face twist worse than the original injury. She stood over my bed and mocked my face! I had become depressed and said something about that and not wanting to live and she said in a very hateful tone “Oh, doom and gloom!”. After her husband sexually assaulted me and after other events I was in a psychiatric hospital. When I saw her later she said to her husband “Once someone has been in a rubber room you can’t believe anything they say.” There are so many more examples of her contempt for me born out of her envy and self shame. Now I know that she’s a benevolent narcissist and is not someone I ever want in my life!
I've recently discovered that this is my sister as well, after so many years. The grief and despair is so intense.
Omg I'm so sorry for her treatment of you. Hideous person. Yuck.
''Any wrongdoing was on your part, and they are the bigger person for just reconnecting..'' thia really hit home ! Been through this twice with a narc friend over the years -she got mad at something I did, and dissapeared. then a year or so later she would get back in touch, willing to ''forgive'' me for my ''disconnection'' from her. Took me about 6 years to work out she's a narc, she was sooooo nice, most of the time.
Ohhhh I met one of these on a dating app. So charming, doing good for the community to ' give back' and within days started sexual texts to me that he wouldn't stop. Final one arrived whilst I was in a meeting with colleagues. I knew what he was and removed and blocked him. They are so devious. I'm so narc aware these days. Thanks Mel. X
One indicator of narcissism I noticed is when a person does a good deed, they must announce it to everyone. My mother does that.
This is my mother, it’s a vicious cycle. Thank you for all your knowledge Melanie
💯% Melanie.
I was thinking (before you said it) that the best "early warning indicator" for Covert Cluster Bs is the refusal to take responsibility for their actions. Real people apologize and learn.
It’s so interesting you used the words “treat them like dirt” that is EXACTLY how I felt…like I was dirt under his shoe! I didn’t even do ANYTHING other than block him after he invited me somewhere then didn’t show up, then got mad that I was hurt and angry about that…understandably so!
I was thinking about a certain person who treated me like dirt and then she said that. It was the benevolent narcissist.
Yes indeed the altruistic came second. He was even a Priest so surrounded himself with layers of his holy good deeds. Yet the behind the scenes behaviour showed the truth which was far from basic decency. Thanks Mel as always for a clear and helpful dive. X
A lot of these people are the ones constantly posting the feel good/life lessons/ hyper positivity posts on Facebook. Virtue signaling. If you're the underdog of sorts, they're attracted to you since they want to be seen as "the wise one", the one with the strong character who can help you see the light....aka your Savior. You'll spot it immediately the first time you politely disagree with them or explain that they're not being helpful. They will spend zero energy trying to see from your perspective and will simply agree to disagree, then they'll do the surface things like cards and gifts so that they may seemingly uphold this virtuous position in your life. 🙄😤
Embrace yourself with love! This narc gonna make you lose your soul, I have worked so hard for years to make sure my narc husband gets okay only to discover he has several ladies he has been sending money to, he acts rude to me at home, we had a joint account and he got me locked out and he kept lavishing and spending the money on this lady, so I decided to make a smart move, I did research on Google and I was recommended to this cyber genius,” we spied on his mobile phone and laptop I found out he has been involved in a lot of cases trying to file a divorce and also found deleted and non deleted messages, now I have so much proof to file a divorce...I Highly recommended him for his great job don't let your partner abuse you...
instagram.com/jeanson_james_hack__?
💯 they turn to the ‘agree to disagree’ so fast as opposed to admitting any fault on their part.. and become instantly defensive at the start of the disagreement when they realise they are being called out for their shitty behaviour!
Good deeds with a selfish motivation are worthless! Good deeds should be simply, good deeds! 🤮
Amen to that -- good deeds are just good deeds without advertising themselves-- exposure be had
Unconsciousness! That totally makes sense ...
This creates a brand new beginning for me 🕊️
This describes my middle sister. I didn't know there was this type of narcissist so I was really confused at her behavior and would except her back into my life only to experience her wrathful rage and the slightest comment or look. I'm now completely no contact with her and my oldest sister which is a malignant narcissist, and my life has been peaceful. They will try love bombing me with gifts from time to time but I won't except them and IF I do I'll donate them or regift them. It's hard to comprehend the narcissistic personality but these videos really do help. I've shared them with my niece and nephew to help them understand their mothers behavior and know how to deal with them. Thank you for all you do.🙏🙏🙏✌💜
Its better to loose somebody else than loosing your own self. 💗
So enlightening and relatable.
That is what I told my ex before I went no contact.
That I will always choose me before him.
He was in full discard-mode, after months of lovebombing, invalidation, devaluation, insults, manipulation and gaslighting.
Needless to say, his silent treatment is to be considered a gift.
I get time to stop questioning my own sanity, and to heal from this, and to find that common denominator, so I can get stellar from these poor wreched souls.
@@lioness6853 Embrace yourself with love! This narc gonna make you lose your soul, I have worked so hard for years to make sure my narc husband gets okay only to discover he has several ladies he has been sending money to, he acts rude to me at home, we had a joint account and he got me locked out and he kept lavishing and spending the money on this lady, so I decided to make a smart move, I did research on Google and I was recommended to this cyber genius,” we spied on his mobile phone and laptop I found out he has been involved in a lot of cases trying to file a divorce and also found deleted and non deleted messages, now I have so much proof to file a divorce...I Highly recommended him for his great job don't let your partner abuse you...
instagram.com/jeanson_james_hack__?
Losing your soul actually. That’s the worst thing that can happen to a person.
Thank you time & time again Melanie! You've helped me stay no contact here. I'm in the middle of a pity hoover as we speak. She called 8 times in a 30min window and left a very drunken, very "remorseful" voice mail. I'll stay strong with this message. 💯🙏
Mine actually said that “sorry, to me, means I feel bad”?? After I said that the word sorry means I won’t do that again! He actually changed the meaning of the word in his mind and thought that was ok!
When young I didn't want to be around a covert after he'd done very terrible things. I remember someone saying he's changed, I said into what. All that happened is he switched to a shinier mask. 😝
Really helpful video and comments below. Thanks to Melanie and all concerned!!
Oh yeah have a sister who is a pro at this. She’ll “volunteer” rather than do things to help family when they need it and the brag on how everything she volunteers. Now she is on FB and she never misses an opportunity to brag on her good deeds no matter how small they are. Her followers don’t see the other side of her, she uses these benevolent things to draw people in to befriend them to take advantage of them. Will start dropping hints about needing things when she is “helping” someone sort things in their garage for a sale and walks away with a truckload of free things for example.
This video was so very helpful!
Totally Amazing!! This is what it was like with my father. He was 'never' wrong & he NEVER apologized (bc "he" was always the embodyment f Jesus Christ). It's just like you say/said.
Dear Melania,this is really really helpful for me. He's SO kind,most times,yet SO cruel other times. It's really really really confusing for me sometimes. His mask is perfection. No one would ever believe me if I ever did speak up. And he's really really good at crazy making behaviour too. He will threaten and terrorize me,then comes this period of no apology but gifts and compliments and kind words. I feel like I'm dealing with two completely different people in one body. It's like he has a split personality. And I gave up on ever getting an apology and am just constantly on guard around him. It's exhausting. He also mutters "I could easily put you in jail" . I'm devastated. I just wanted respect and consistency,and I feel emotionally distraught. Any tips? I live with him as my roommate and can't avoid him. ?
You speak in such a polished and calming manner. Thanks Miss Evans.
You nailed! Wow! I've been no contact for a long time, but at times I looked at the "good" times, and the good crumbs they gave and it was hard for awhile...not anymore though or at least very far in between that I idealize them
Embrace yourself with love! This narc gonna make you lose your soul, I have worked so hard for years to make sure my narc husband gets okay only to discover he has several ladies he has been sending money to, he acts rude to me at home, we had a joint account and he got me locked out and he kept lavishing and spending the money on this lady, so I decided to make a smart move, I did research on Google and I was recommended to this cyber genius,” we spied on his mobile phone and laptop I found out he has been involved in a lot of cases trying to file a divorce and also found deleted and non deleted messages, now I have so much proof to file a divorce...I Highly recommended him for his great job don't let your partner abuse you...
instagram.com/jeanson_james_hack__?
The good times were not real..only to you
I just had this occur.. it's amazing.. I thought this person was kind.. then wham - I saw her real colors and intentions.. saw through it fast..
Thsnk you mel, i jave been baffled..
Knowing his speech attern and behavior FELT OFF yet not being able to pin point why. As always just taking responsibility for my own peace , love & equanimity is helping to create the distance i crave for healing.
Other people don't ever see the benevolent narcissist
Melanie you are great you cut through the fluff which I love and tell us what is going on and how to handle it and I am grateful that you are on here ❤️
Wow... totally relate to this... Still recovering many years later and just one more step to take, I never want to see, hear or be within vicinity to the parasitic tapeworm/tick that he is... Thank you Melanie xx
Embrace yourself with love! This narc gonna make you lose your soul, I have worked so hard for years to make sure my narc husband gets okay only to discover he has several ladies he has been sending money to, he acts rude to me at home, we had a joint account and he got me locked out and he kept lavishing and spending the money on this lady, so I decided to make a smart move, I did research on Google and I was recommended to this cyber genius,” we spied on his mobile phone and laptop I found out he has been involved in a lot of cases trying to file a divorce and also found deleted and non deleted messages, now I have so much proof to file a divorce...I Highly recommended him for his great job don't let your partner abuse you...
instagram.com/jeanson_james_hack__?
Johnny Depp and his lawyers handled his case masterfully. Johnny refusing to look at Amber the entire trial was brilliant. And......it drove Amber nuts.
The worst part is realizing there was so much that was fake because if we truly bonded it became a part of our identity and reality and it was never real, so its a threat to our own identity and reality to fully accept that they are fake and narcissistic.
Love the exposure -- wow the charms have no place to hide now -- thanks to NARP programme ❤
Oh my gosh this has helped me so much today. Clarity regained. Thank you so so much 🙏🏻
"It is much better to loose somebody else than to loose your soul" 17:15 Those words really resonated with me and I can't believe that I never looked at it in that way. Thank you
I really can't say if the person I've been sharing space with for the last 14 yrs.
He does have a pattern of giving to receive. What your saying is sort of spot on.
This is very enlightening. Thank you Miss Evans. 🦄👑
Thank you for helping me understand me.
Thank you so much for your videos!! I'm learning so much about narcissism and how I was in a narcissistic marriage for 27 years... I'm still trying to heal from the emotional abuse I've endured for so many years.
It was a nightmare..thank you god i am free
Embrace yourself with love! This narc gonna make you lose your soul, I have worked so hard for years to make sure my narc husband gets okay only to discover he has several ladies he has been sending money to, he acts rude to me at home, we had a joint account and he got me locked out and he kept lavishing and spending the money on this lady, so I decided to make a smart move, I did research on Google and I was recommended to this cyber genius,” we spied on his mobile phone and laptop I found out he has been involved in a lot of cases trying to file a divorce and also found deleted and non deleted messages, now I have so much proof to file a divorce...I Highly recommended him for his great job don't let your partner abuse you...
instagram.com/jeanson_james_hack__?
My mother has treated me like this my whole life. She set me up to accept emotional and verbal abuse. I literally just realized this today. Putting two and two together while watching this video. My mom is incredible at “positive blame shifting.” She is great at passive aggressive stonewalling me. Unless I had a seizure ( epilepsy) then I become her sympathy card. I can see her doing the same thing to my niece and nephew. Their dad ( my brother,) treats his kids the same- same consequences etc. My mom however fawns over my niece. All the time. Her brother (13, she is 16) my mom only fawns over when she goes to my nephew’s sports activities ( baseball grandma etc,) because a couple of teams my brother coaches. Anyway it’s not my brother’s, his kids, me, my dad it’s not our fault she treats us so differently. That I need to remember .
Thank you so much Melanie!
I have a female friend who love bombs me, hoovers me and then discards me.... until she wants something. 😊It makes me feel uncomfortable and now i know why! She has won many awards for Woman of the year etc. She has the whole town under her spell.
Can these types of narcs also be codependents?
Yes, absolutely.
My narcissistic dad would tell me that he helped a charity; yet ignores his own grown kids, he acts entitled to do this and that I have to be impressed; far from it. I see a snow job miles away. I don't buy his crap. When I complain about him, to him, he evades responsibility by blaming me for abusing me, that I have some nerve complaining at all. What a jerkwad dad. I gave up on his b.s. He cares more about his status with strangers than about me, ever. I have no contact with him for a month and four days now.
They don’t give gifts. They pay for cooperation and no complaints about what they do. The moment you ask for something not financial, they snap. This is my wife. She makes 3 times my income. Her daughter has wounded her. My life has changed so much. The low blows have been hard. They things that come from her mouth although no vulgar, hurt worse. I would rather be cussed out.
I pressed the wrong button earlier😥 on the Trigger video. So sorry. It was not intentional.
What about how much they have gone on and on about how they hate cheating and they’ve been hurt and would never want anyone else to hurt that way.
How they are so disgusted by the other blokes at work and how they are all so disrespectful to woman and cheat on their wife’s at home!!
This describes my wife. I had come across the term "covert" narcissist, but benevolent/altruistic also fits. When we first met I thought that she was caring, kind, sensitive and vulnerable. I blamed myself for the "difficult" moments, made allowances for the fact that she had back-pain and other difficult circumstances, felt sorry for her and ignored my intuition that something was wrong.
My late paternal grandmother also fitted the the description of a benevolent narcissist. I think that may have confused me and lowered my defenses, by making the behavior seem more normal. This means, unfortunately that my mother has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic mother-in-law as well as a narcissistic daughter-in-law, although not at the same time. Both my wife and my grandmother present/presented as being religious in a self-righteous sense, but neither showed signs of spiritual maturity.
@@lukeshepherd330isn’t that interesting? How some become self righteous in the name of Jesus yet zero spiritual growth…when they’re judgements and projections of shame come in, I wonder wwJd
Cat rescues are full of altruistic narcs. I sort of feel bad for the cats, even if they do good works, the idiotic self involved drama that goes on within those organizations that hide their misery behind “altruism” almost isn’t even worth the good they think they’re doing. They play god over cats, hold veterinary care that they can pay for over people, even steal already TNRd cats off the streets and extort people when they want to adopt. The drama within is so god awful. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this, it’s almost like you’re saying something against god and the universe itself if you ever question these non profits organizations. They are given Carte Blanche to do whatever with no oversight because they are hiding behind being a “ 501k non Profit organization” which everything thinks is not capable of EVER doing anything wrong.
My Narc sister describes herself a "Benevolent Dictator."
My narc sister identifies with Mother Teresa 🙄
Thank You ❤️ This makes me realize that I don't deserve the guilt I have been carrying 🧱