Adopted by Barb Lee (A Point Made Films Documentary)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 พ.ย. 2020
- 'Adopted' reveals the grit rather than the glamor of transracial adoption. Director Barb Lee goes deep into the intimate lives of two well-meaning families and shows us the subtle challenges they face. One family is just beginning the process of adopting a baby from China and is filled with hope and possibility. The other family’s adopted Korean daughter is now 32 years old. Prompted by her adoptive mother’s terminal illness, she tries to create the bond they never had. The results are riveting, unpredictable and telling. While the two families are at opposite ends of the journey, their stories converge to show us that love isn’t always enough.
Let me first say this. I know where Jennifer is coming from. And I don’t believe it’s a place where she is thinking I want to make my parents feel bad. But it’s a very fine line. I was adopted from Korea. And my parents did put me into a Korean culture camp, but ultimately took me out of it after 2 years I think. They didn’t want to point out the things that made me different from them. But they always made it COMPLETELY clear, that if I ever did want to explore it, and/or find my birth parents they would support me 100%. And what more can you really ask for? I love the way my parents did it.
I'm totally with you! If people choose to adopt, they literally need to be willing to answer their children's questions about their birth family, and why they gave the child up. If I chose to adopt, I would at least want to know the child's family medical history, as I would want to know if they are more likely to be predisposed to certain conditions.
@@leannestrong1000 yes! It’s very clear at least to me, that at the time, her parents resources were extremely limited. And you never think while you’re raising a child, hmm. What am I not thinking of that will most definitely cause my child emotional pain in the future. It’s not in our nature? Or our thought process. But, yes, while her parents resources were most definitely limited, I do also think there were things that both sides could have done differently. But that’s just it right? We live, we learn, and we do better next time. I’m a huge believer in if there’s nothing you can do about it there’s no point in belaboring it. But clearly that’s not how Jennifer has chosen to do things. I’m glad she was able to tell her mom what was on her mind regardless of what her mothers response to it was. I’m glad she recognized that she had past trauma, that she was inappropriately treating with alcohol. I’m glad she admitted it. I’m glad she chose to get help. And I’m VERY glad she had her brother. Unfortunately I don’t think his presence in her life was highlighted enough as it should have been. I hope she finds peace.
@@kimisorensen4974 i would like more of US-older Adoptees to have supportive communities now; not just hook up cultures.
@@lindakincaid4530 I am very curious. But I am also somewhat scared. I don’t want to find something out that I didn’t know. And/or didn’t want to know. I’m in this somewhat blissful ignorance right now, and I don’t want to ruin it…
I think she was asking her mother questions that did not have the answer to. The identity crisis is an internal issue that needs resolving with help from a professional. I do understand the identity issue, because I suffered with it for years--I could not see myself in my mother's face. Now, when see young pix of my mom I do see me. The only difference is she had a prominent nose, mine lacks a bridge. Also, I look like my brother as well. So I get that part. Her issue is much deeper. Sometimes, you have to just let it go and let it come to you through the events of time.
I'm 50, an adoptee and my story is US based. My mom is first gen American Hispanic and my dad is first gen American Polish. And what Jennifer is dealing with is very similar to me a Hispanic female. I didn't look or act like my parents. And my mom and I were definitely not close. In the last months of her cancer, I tried to talk and get close to her, but she just said, "we're good. No need to bring up the past." I just had to forgive her and me. And the abandonment issues are real. But believe me, my bio mom did the right thing giving me up. I had a far better life with my parents.
Jenny -I’m not adopted, but I have never fit in as an American, because I’m an immigrant. I don’t fit in my native country either -I’ve never gone back to live there. I’m an outsider -I can appreciate that. It makes me different in so many positive ways. My indigenous facial features I have come to accept with pride. Be positive about your uniqueness or your health will suffer.
Exactly 💯❤❤❤
Well said! And I'm happy to accept you exactly the way you are. We're all humans.
Better to not look like your parents and be loved, than look like them and be abused
Yours is the best comment on this page. You have spoken volumes with only one sentence. Kudos. ❤
Exactly! I’m sorry Jennifer wore me out. Her father was pissed! He had a right to be. I’m dying. She was exhausting. The brother him I loved. He had a real good head on his shoulders. Jennifer was like a tela novella who needs a therapist for all her other concerns. The father is looking like let me just go in peace. She compared the N word to whore. Um no it’s not the same there is no comparison to the N word I’m sorry. I hope she truly got help. A tad bit immature.
Slippery slope.
Kinda silly to do a doc about someone who was a "perfectly" well adjusted Korean adoptee who solved all their issues alone and had 100% supportive parents. The outlier cases are important to highlight to help other people that may be struggling.
@@widowsbite3206 Better to be a slave and have food than not having a shelter and food.
This is such a powerful documentary. Jennifer doesn’t want to hurt her parents but she deserves to be heard and to have her feelings acknowledged. My mouth dropped when her mother said she didn’t care about Jennifer’s birth mom. How painful for Jennifer to hear. I can’t imagine not wanting to honor this women who made your daughter and who may be in tremendous pain and longing. I was angry when her mother cut her off and chose her own emotions over Jennifer’s. Every adopted person deserves to feel as though their nature matters as much as their nurture. Hell. Every PERSON deserves that. It’s a parent’s job to honor the person their children are regardless of what we want them to be. On the other hand, everyone could wish for a brother like Eric. What a loving understanding guy.
I was too not happy with how her mom Judy responded hi Jennifer. Totally selfish in a way. Jennifer is a strong person, but she deserves to know and her rights!
The adopted mother is only human too.
Maybe she's hurt at the thought of being replaced.
I always told my children that their birth mother loved them the best way she knew how, and I was the lucky one because I got to raise them, I've always been supportive when it came for them to have a relationship with the bio mom as long as its a healthy one
Jennifer doesnt care who she hurts, because her pain is so much greater than anyone elses.
Jennifer’s trauma partially came from her Mom resistance to her korean family history. She said she couldn’t care for her birth mother and just want Jen all to herself. Those words are strong and hurting. And her family tried to disconnect her from her root.
Adoptees have right to miss / feel bonded to their root
I have never been adopted myself, nor have I ever been in foster care or an orphanage or children's home. However, I do feel for her, as I feel that people who have been in those kinds of situations have (or should have) every right to know as much as possible about their birth family, background, or even why they were given up. Even for people who were adopted domestically, either directly from the birth family, or via foster or state care. It is especially important for the person to know if they have any genetic risk factors for certain diseases or conditions.
I’m wondering if because of this Jennifer thought be Korean was a bad thing. So sad.
I think the mother mentally couldn't handle the fact she couldn't birth her own so pretend her k. Daughter was white..They don't care about Korea, Koreans and their culture. They don't care about her Asian dna..they only want a stand in daughter to replace a white daughter she couldn't have. The mom mentally is fragile and her k Daughter has had to die to her soul to keep😋😋her mother from breaking.
That part just shocked me and my heart broke for Jennifer in that moment. How incredibly honest yet selfish of Jenniefer’s mother.
the mother is sick & in senior yrs .. give her a break .. geeesh
My heart broke for that little girl being taken away from everything familiar to her. Its wrong to think babies can't be traumatized because they don't remember. That trauma lives inside their heart.
Babies have no familiarity to anything. They adapt very quickly due to their age and their minds are tabula rasa
I agree, but she was in a foster family and this is a permanent family. I doubt the solution to be staying in a foster home - where the trauma might persist all of childhood, having to move around to various foster homes.
It can not be helped. These babies need a forever family, a stable environment, and unconditional love. Yes, it is very traumatic at the time, but they do not remember it. I have two adopted children, one adopted at 6 months old and the other at 18 months old. After they were home for a week, they acted like nothing ever happened. They are adults now with families of their own. If you ask them if they remember, they say they do not. They were happy well adjusted children, and they are happy well adjusted adults. So the trauma does not live inside their hearts.
@@LadyLeda2 you have no clue what your talking about. You do not speak for adoptees. The only real winners in adoption are the agencies that make a profit.
Roma’s adoptive parents are very caring, insightful and understanding. They are creating a wonderful family for her.
It must be such a fine line between making the child one of the family but at the same time always acknowledging their heritage
It is, but it must be done so that the child can love the skin they are in.
I have two adopted children from Korea. It was not a fine line at all for me. I taught my children to love Korea and the people of Korea. My daughter expressed a desire to speak Korean. Lessons were given to her through a Korean church in my city. When she went to college she did an exchange program where she went to school for a year in Korea, and a Korean came to her college for a year. Foreign adopted children should be taught about their country of birth. It is a part of them and should not be ignored. They should be taught that their country of birth is a beautiful place. We took them to visit Korea when they graduated from high school. We celebrated Korean Holidays in our home. I think the worst thing to do is ignore where they came from. My daughter is married now and has a beautiful daughter of her own. I am a grandmother!!!
@@LadyLeda2 Thanks We’ll Said 😊
We ALL have issues with our parents. The time to deal with them is NOT when they are elderly and dying. When they are elderly and dying the time to sort that out with them has passed. A mature person acknowledges that and finds another way to sort out their trauma
her quiet rage is beyond comprehension .. her parents obviously gave her a good life .. hope they don’t resent her visits in their senior years .. also, sad she threw in mom’s face she didn’t go through the gestation period .. this documentary had many WoW moments .. watching this serves as a reminder to NEVER adopt from a foreign country .. all the best to the family with whatever comes next .. 🤺
I doubt that you were adopted. Never judge other people so easily cuz that would only make you sound immature. Some conversations need to be had before everything becomes impossible. Jennifer's parents seemed indifferent to her Korean root.
There's never a right time to confront your parents.... She was obviously holding onto her feelings and thoughts and unfortunately her mother was diagnosed with a horrible disease...yes she is dying but she is still living. The daughter is actually doing what they taught her of going to them for help, advise, answers, validations....but it seems the parents don't want her to ask them.
No matter how much you love your kids- they can still come back and say things that hurt you. That you should have done better, etc. We can get it off our chest and hope it improves our understanding and relationships. I have lost my brother, both parents. I resented then for years. Now that i have raised my kids, i understand more. I wish I had done more with them & for them. Im sorry i said things that hurt them & maybe it was not necessary to do that really.
True only mature kids or those that have their own children will truly understand this fact .
Yes,Soo true 😢❤❤❤
My sister was left with 3 small children & she dearly loved her husband. She remarried & had two more. Her two oldest daughters were both very upset at their father for leaving when he did. He tried to get back into their lives when they were in their teens. They didn’t want contact, I asked the to wait until after they had kids before they make this final. They were able to later understand some of the reasons why he left.
Yep my son hate’s me and I don’t know why I thought he would have a issue with his father because he dumped us in a different state stayed for a year and then left us to be a father to 3 other children I did everything I could to support us he left us with nothing and my son hate’s me ‼️
It has to be hard for the adoptive mother to be dying and have to hear this from her beloved daughter, but adoption trauma is a thing that is often ignored and needs more understanding. I often feel so sad for people who have been adopted , especially the little girls from China or the orphans from Romania or war torn countries. They were given a chance at a different life but sometimes their past is not acknowledged.
would it be better for them not to be adopted? Maybe being thankful for the great advantage they were given would help them.
@@geewheeler04 oh wow, you clearly know nothing about the deep emotional pain of the abandonment by their birth parents... 🤦🏻♀️
The Feros were so desperate for Jennifer to fit in with them that they neglected to honour her Korean identity alongside her identity within their family. And they were not open to really listening to her heart, to her deepest feelings.
Therefore she was left in a no man's land in terms of who she really is. Not to mention the racist abuse from all the white kids in her community.
You cannot possibly understand the truth of her authentic, lived experiences. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️
@@geewheeler04Jennifer is Financially Supporting her family - are they grateful for that? Her Father and Brother seem warm and loving and her adoptive Mother seems Cold as Ice towards her.
@@geewheeler04 you can be grateful and feel adoption trauma at the same time. Being adopted or not is a mute point. Not acknowledging the trauma is the issue.
The whole 'you should be grateful' argument is an act of violence against persons who were adopted. Listen to their experiences. The truth is, adopted persons are four times greater than non adopted persons to attempt suicide. Adoption is cruel.@@geewheeler04
I can’t bear to watch this. She’s acting like a teenager instead of a grown woman. The humble family…they have no college degrees, but she does…well how did she get this degree? With parents encouragement and help! She sounds like she thinks she is superior. Her mother is DYING for Pete’s sake! I think she needs counseling, and to learn how to approach this trauma, then address it with her parents….also hen she has her own children she will think of her parents in a different light!
And if you weren't white you would see her point through different eyes.
What an awful thing to say. I’m sorry, but please take into account all that she went through, and this is a second mother dying to her. She’s grieving twice over.
Many times, HIGH IQ adoptees are put in low IQ families....and if you can't figure out why this is harmful....I can't help you.
How awful, she had parents who loved her like she was no different than them. If she is so unhappy than she should move to Korea and live with her people.
As an adoptee I pretty much just sobbed through this entire film. I have great gratitude to the filmmakers for making this film to shed light on the issues raised. Interracial adoptees have one set of issues, where, as in my case, same race adoptions have different but similar issues. Instead of standing out, the adaption to adoption is more prevalent because "no one can tell" you're adopted. No one really knows right away, but the adoptee still feels it. The isolation tends to be repressed in a different way than adoptees who do not resemble their adopted families. As an infant adoptee, my birthmother didn't want me to even know I was adopted. My parents thought it would be scary to find out one day by surprise so as soon as I could figure out in my kid brain I was adopted I was thoroughly confused. As a child you only know your family - everyone else is a stranger - so I was terrified as I tried to wrap my brain around why some stranger who I didn't know was supposed to be my mother, and yet the woman who said she was my mommy was supposed to be a stranger. I buried these fears. I had bonded with my birthmother in the hospital for five days before I was surrendered in person (by state law) in front of the hospital after the 3 legal day consideration period let up. (I was born on a Wednesday, but that Friday was a Federal holiday, then she got the whole weekend.) I was a "good baby" until my adoptive parents took me on a plane at 5 or 6 days old to the state they lived. As soon as they got to their car at the airport, I started crying and didn't stop for several weeks straight. The primal wound. I can't talk about this with my adoptive family much like Jennifer couldn't. They don't want to. My adoptive mother refuses. She "already went through this." I don't even know what that means because she won't discuss it. So, I moved 1100 miles away to create my own life. All I ever wanted was my own family to make it how I wanted it. I never got the chance. So I just exist. No past, no legacy except the impressions I leave behind with the small circle I keep. Adoptees are underserved and under researched and under discussed. Thank you again for making this film. It's a chip at the stone we live under.
I placed a son, hardest best choice of my life for me even though he chooses to not acknowledge me he's healthy and happy and loved. That's more important than any selfishness thing I could've told myself to keep him. I pray 1 day he'll change his mind about me.
Love your parents
@@eegiibanzragch2473Didn’t say I don’t.
Totally Agree
Adoptee
I could relate I believe that adopted children deserve and need to have closure it's their birthright.i went thru what Jennifer went thru.its called finding yourself.i am part of the native community ❤thanks to elders and indigenous culture it fid heal some of those hurts and wounds.
Would it have helped if your parents had adopted another Korean child? I adopted my Korean daughter in 1971. She was the perfect child! Then at the age of 42 she didn’t want any of us in her family or her husbands family! It was shocking and devastating. A counselor told🎉 me it isn’t about me or our family, it’s about her! I would tell my grandsons to pray for their Korean grandmother! I have carried grief in my heart for my daughter’s biological mom! I think this daughter is being cruel bringing this up to her mom when she is so sick!!
God bless you.
I can see why your daughter wants nothing to do with you, you need to learn some empathy for people outside of your own personal circumstance.
@@dejausserWow, you completely missed the point she was making. Talk about lacking empathy. Sheesh.
@@cheetoesgal5229 no it’s really kinda lacking empathy to prod a sick dying woman who made a lot of sacrifices the best she knew how to bring her up in a loving home
Exactly! The dad has a wonderful point. Maybe if he could go back and change a couple things he would, but he can’t! It’s just cruel to torment someone by some action they couldn’t perceive of ever doing at the time. And to boot the poor dad is dying too!
The whole way through Jennifer's story I was thinking she needed mental health help. She hurt her parents so late in their life. Her depression needed addressing much sooner not at 32 when her parents were dying.
When you're in that much pain; you don't understand. Now go through what She has endured as a Man Adoptee in America. They don't think we have perky titz and a cute Azz. And God forbid if White girls found you to be more attractive than them!
OMG I said the exact same thing in my comment.
Yes!
Her mom being sick, must have triggered a lot of old trauma of loss and abandonment. yes, the timing might be very unfortunate, but Jennifer starting to address her pain to her parents, means to me that she truly wants to connect with her adopted parents before they pass away.. I, too started to address my experience as a Korean adoptee with my adopted parents.. since then, our bond has been so much stronger. We finally could see each other, with honesty, empathy and love. My adopted dad also learned to express his fears and was able to tell me why he avoided talking about race and racism in the past.. It is a very important discourse to have and loving and understanding adopted parents will understand that this is needed in order to truly connect with each other. Loving and reflective adopted parent will not call you unthankful or selfish. I am so glad that my dad is still alive and that we started such a great chapter in our lives.. where we can truly express our fears, thought and our painful past
Or, she wants to punish them.
Oh, Judith Randall, where are you coming from? Maybe the belief that adoptive children OWE their parents for saving them? I can’t know what would make you say that and I hope you consider the impact you have on others 22:40
@@teresa-kurtolander9579they did save her from a life of god knows what! Sounds like they gave her a beautiful home life and she’s bellyaching about not having a boyfriend in high school. Are you kidding? I did not have a boyfriend in high school and I knew that the popular boys in high school were out of my league. Plus she’s very unattractive now so I figure she was not cute in high school. She’s been overindulging and mining for misery, and now she drops this bombshell on her adoptive mother who is terminally ill. She’s just conceited and self centred
@@suzymoroka297 Exactly. When her father chastised her for how rude she had been at their dinner in NY, was satisfying to hear, a long time coming, and probably, too little, too late. But I hope he felt some peace or release, afterwards.
@@suzymoroka297 you are spewing a lot of white privilege with that comment.
What a heartbreaking story. As someone with both asian and western cultures, I know how hard it was for me forming my identity, I can't imagine how hard it was for Jennifer, let alone dealing with the trauma of adoption and racism all alone, with no one to turn to or help guide her through it. The moment her mother said 'I don't care about your biological mother' was so shocking and painful and showed the often selfish way that many people enter into adoption - they want a shiny new baby all their own with no history or trauma of abandonment and they take it personally when that baby grows up to aknowledge their past and trauma. Her family feels completely justified when they want to look into their ancestry but feel offended when she wants to look into hers. The moment the Chinese mother said 'if she cries, take her outside' broke my heart. She clearly loves her baby so much and up to this point has been able to spend time with her daughter and now she's been taken away, probably never to be seen again, without even keeping the name she gave her.
I as an adopted Korean, can understand part , the younger part, of being taunted and hurt by orher children's prejudices, and no one understanding how much it hurt. But other than that, I don't understand her anger towards her Mom. I'm still very happy that my parents adopted me. As an adult, and even in college, I never felt like I didn't belong in the US. I had boyfriends and relationships, and although they didnt all work out, I never blamed it on me looking Korean. 🤔
Wow, your story is so toching
SARAH,,,, God bless your heart for understanding this way. It was hard to watch that these parents especially dad offered mom to have little girl with all his heart wanted to be best dad I am sure, and when she took him to restaurant and the way she acted was so rude. So rude beyond the point. Regular kids don't even get what adoptees do most of the time, even she said she got everything,,,,, even college,,,,, I don't think her brother did
She clearly said she didn't give her what she needed! Your story is different from hers but you can relate. If you decide to adopt a child of another race you are supposed to be ready to go to battle for them when they are being mistreated! Her mom and dad like typical for the majority of wht's they turn a blind eye, won't recognize or discuss racism! It's so many things but I'll just say its sad and unfortunate! They should of taught her and took her around her own people so she didn't loose her identity! She grew up hating who she was bc she didnt know "who" she was! It's a selfish deep history of narcissistic, superior, controlling mental sickness! I could never do that to another human being let alone a child!
Yeah, I don’t get her anger either -must be more to this story.
I have a Chinese granddaughter (9 yr. Old) and she is sunshine in every way.
Everyone has a different experience. I am also a Korean adoptee, and my experience is different to yours. To the people commenting how they didn’t get her anger but who aren’t adopted: you probably can never fully understand, because you don’t have the lived experience of being adopted. Just because a person may have had all the “things” they needed growing up, doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t feel othered, etc. Everyone has a different experience, and I don’t think we should judge them on something so personal and specific as being adopted. They feel the way they feel, and the way they feel is valid.
My POV:Three international adoptions done and two bio kids. That said, I think Jennifer is more philosopher than teacher. More high-minded than realistic. My adopted kids (all different races than myself) are well adjusted and without abandonment issues. They love unconditionally. We were more diligent than Jennifer’s parents regarding cultural heritage, honoring their birth families, etc. but I do not think that’s adoption secret sauce. I think Jennifer’s personality placed a large part in her perception of her story.
I think it was a different period of time and her parents just didn't have the emotional capacity to emphatize and look beyond the need and their love to unconditionally have a child of their own(without recognizing she isn't but became a part of their family). Which is with their best intentions however it falls so short of Jennifer's capacity to transcend not only her own situation but also reflect on what was needed to feel included how to cope with loyality and racism on a broader spectrum. I'm glad that you provided your children with that.
@@iristen9062 the cute babies and Toddlers eventually grow up! Now what?
@@jhan3894 I think it is a personal journey but I feel like Jennifer said it is not only her journey and how her family gets more of her if they go along on this journey with sorting this out. It's just with any other kids. Like some need more encouragement or care but everyone needs some sort of acknowledgement. Like kids grow up but they still need you after the age of 21 it's not like they are suddenly adults and poof they have all their stuff together.
I agree with you, I was adopted and my overall feeling was the feeling, knowledge, being told I was wanted and loved. I was given the opportunity to an education, my dad was a practical, down to earth, well traveled, very protective but told us to learn to take risks and see life as an adventure! Self acceptance is something I believe Jennifer is missing , I hope one day she finds that sense of contentment.
@@iristen9062 She is very Lucky though; to have such an understanding, loving, and very supportive brother. I fear she would have become another fatal statistic.
She started to annoy me with her affected speech and her self absorbtion. She wants them to think like her and understand her but she is not giving them that understanding and her brothers right she should have confronted it all earlier not when her mother and father are dying that's selfish.
She acts like a child and the over the top emotions while her parents are dying is nasty and selfish
I totally agree with your comment. She’s very entitled and self absorbed. Snobbish is the word that comes to mind. Her Mother seems to be very kind hearted and loving. Jennifer can’t see the true essence of her parents because she’s so busy pointing out the physical differences.
They were good with her thinking she was white. She knew full well she wasn’t and they did nothing to help accept her skin color or heritage.
You have no idea what you're talking about and as far as her being selfish I think it was very selfish that her parents wouldn't even allow her to miss her birth family or even talk about the adoption yes they accepted her but it was still under conditions
This young woman is ungrateful! Her mom has cancer and she is being very cruel to both parents
Why wasent she put into therapy when she wanted her eyes to be round and hair to be blonde?
Age 13
The parents spoiled her rotten and REFUSED TO DESL WITH HER ADOPTION.
she has a lot of abandonment issues; wow she really puts a lot on her parents, I hope she can get some needed emotional help to find her identity and peace;
and hopefully come to more inner gratitude for what she was given in life; she makes everything into a huge drama of non-acceptance and blaming others
Easy to tell that you are not adopted.
Count your Blessings.
I really felt for Jennifer; raised in a place where people ridiculed her for who she is, with parents who love her but have no clue about what it is to be different. It was a different time back then and there wasn’t the awareness that there is today.
I do hope that she found peace. I think her peace will have to come from knowing that her parents are limited; some of it because of their culture gives them no frame of reference. Some of it is also because of their own choice to not be uncomfortable. They were older, her mom was deathly ill. To fully acknowledge what she was saying would have upended their world. They would be forced to see that the people around them and culture is not color-blind, but permits hostility to anyone from a different race. It is not hostile because every single person is racist, some are not. But it remains hostile because the majority of people do not make it unacceptable to be that way. They go along with it because they don’t want to be uncomfortable or make others who do and say racist things uncomfortable. So it continues. For her parents to acknowledge this would have meant them going in the opposite direction from most of the people around them so it was “logical” to make her the problem.
When I was watching this, I also think there were some other things happening with her that was part of adult development. She was needing to transition from seeing the Feros as parents who needed to give her something, to being people with flaws - who happened to be her parents - and forgiving them for that while acknowledging her own flaws. She was also doing the work of addressing trauma that many adoptees have. She needs a safe place to do that. Back then, I don’t know if people even understood this, so she was navigating it alone. But today, things would be different as there are more communities and resources available. I think too, everyone processes things differently. For her, it seemed that there was a lot of hurt and unprocessed anger still.
Sadly, this was happening at a difficult time in her parent’s life; but I can understand why she pushed. She spent so much time adapting to them and she wanted the chance to address this with them while they were still living. I’m sad at the timing of it, but I really do hope she found peace.
I read the comments here and there are a lot of comments about all of the material things she has and how “lucky” she is because she was adopted by this family. Material things aren’t everything. And the real lucky ones are the parents who adopt. The chance to parent a child is a huge blessing that not everyone gets to experience. It is big responsibility. It is an honor to serve as a parent.
Based on some other things I saw, I think that at the time this was filmed, she was just starting to really confront and deal with all these things. And I think that she was learning how to talk about these things, including the racism, which was not talked about in the culture she was raised in. I think this happens to a lot of adoptees; hers was just filmed. I feel she was very brave to do this and it will help to put words to what many people feel.
Parents aren't replaceable. Adoption is a legal fiction.
I felt tremendously sad for her parents, especially her dying mother, for the self-obsessed daughter's torment of her. I found her family extremely kind and tolerant of her obnoxious personality. Maybe, too much so.
@@judithrandall4690 I felt sad for them also. This happened at a really hard and vulnerable time of their lives. But they also clearly didn’t understand what was happening with her because they had no frame of reference. It is a little like a woman trying to explain to a man what if feels like to be a woman or to give birth. A man can try to empathize but he doesn’t really have the frame of reference for it. Similarly, her parents had no clue about how it felt for her to grow up as the only minority in their community. Comments that they dismissed as being dumb or boneheaded really cut her deeply. So they saw her as being sensitive because they had never really been treated that way.
I think the daughter was learning, finding her way, and trying to get them to give her validation - and in typical 20-something fashion - she didn’t really consider what her parents were dealing with also; she just wanted resolution.
It was sad all the way around; it would have been good for both she and her parents to have had some help with navigating interracial adoption, but that type of help wasn’t available back then. It would have helped them to resolve situations so they could focus on other issues her parents were facing. They really needed their daughter’s support but she was not in a place to emotionally and mentally to give it. That’s got to be one of the toughest parts of parenting.
@@CD-zr7qy Frankly, the adopted daughter is extremely immature and so self-absorbed. To subject a loving, dying adoptive mother to all of that is just inexcusable.
Non-adoptees cannot comprehend the level of grief or trauma that we experience in losing both our families and our identities. They cannot imagine walking around, not knowing your true birthday, not knowing your parents names. They have no frame of reference for what it feels like to be this isolated and alone. Nonadopted persons see the fact that she was adopted and they celebrate it. They don’t see the adoptee grief or even the tragedy that her birth mother had no options other than to leave her child on a doorstep. The journey of adoptees is not one that can be understood without living it. Deep gratitude and respect for those who bravely made a film based on grit and truth, and one that is more than the feel good nonsense the general public so loves to consume. Thank you Jen, for speaking your truth.
It really wasn’t a ‘bravely’ made film. It is manipulative and exploitative.
The filmmakers took advantage of her problems and drug addiction rather than getting her help when they knew she was having problems.
As I have said repeatedly the filmmakers are Scientologists and the rehab center they got her into-synanon-is a front for Scientology. If they were really concerned about her when they were making a film, they would have stopped making the film and got her into a real rehab at the time.
They didn’t do that. What does that tell you?
You are right! I am not adopted, nor have I ever been in foster or state care, so I cannot truly understand what it is like for people who have been in one or more of those situations. I can only try to imagine what it must be like. However, some adoptees (especially those whose adoptive families were there for their birth, or those whose adoptive families have contact with their birth families) may be more likely to know their exact birth date than those who were adopted from an orphanage, or from foster or state care.
I’m adopted, and I don’t see it either. I always thought, why grieve over something you never knew anyway? It’s not something I can change, so why not be happy with what I do have, especially since I didn’t know my real, name ,etc. I’m who I am now, and that’s fine with me. It’s like which way are you going to look at the glass, half empty or half full? I choose half full please.Why keep dwelling and make others suffer, especially those trying to help you, over things you can’t change?
I don’t understand this grieving process? Sorry. I’m just thankful I was chosen and given a new and better chance at life.
My aunt adopted a baby girl, she was born as a drug addicted baby. My aunt and uncle both were very open about the adoption, later they tried to find her biological mother. Her bio mother was already dead, she took a golden shot. Her struggle was painful to watch for all of us, The name of the father was unknown and never reported. But we tried to help her, to find some family members. My aunt found her grandmother, and then the next shock came. She didn't want to see her or talk to her. With a lot of help, she got through her darkest hours.
Today she have a lovely family, 3 kids and she is doing fine. She told my aunt - before my aunt died - it was not always easy, but that she knew, she was loved. Never say, that people who don;t get adopted doesn't know what it means. I could feel her pain, saw the struggles, knew the questions. We only could give her love ... and understanding... Her case is different than yours, in those cases things are differently. And those adoptions are happening also. Peace
There is a crushing lack of discussion or recognition of Jennifer as a Korean that seems to have becomes oppressive to Jennifer and it created a wall. Saying you don’t see colour just strips away the cultural identity of someone and no wonder there is confusion. Jennifer is right about her birth mother being dehumanized and the lack of compassion and honoring of her birth mother is missing is very hurtful.
All most of us Adoptees truly want is for our inner selves/the Soul, to match our Extremities/the physical appearance. Biological children don't have these questions or issues. Unfortunately, it's not a good outcome for the Adoptees if they don't address these issues in their Adult journeys.
Research confirms that there are few good outcomes for adoptees.
Even in 2024 in America Many Adoptees Do Not Have The Same Basic Rights As Other People.
I was pregnant at 16 and was going to put him up for adoption. Before he was born I sign papers and there was a couple that was going to take him. But just before he was born I Told my parents Im keeping my baby, u can stand beside me or walk away, I dont much care, I will figure a way, but I am keeping my baby. So I cancelled the adoption and I married some guy when my son was 4mos. my mothers idea, but it meant I got to keep my baby and thats all that mattered to me. My son is 45yrs old now. He a beautiful person, hes funny and very compassionate and talented, has a awesome singing voice, and hes very kind and really good looking. Hes married now for 20yrs and has a 16yr old daughter. I would have missed out on all that. Im one of the lucky ones that got to keep my baby. He would love to know his father but he ran off the minute I told him I was pregnant. I found him a couple yrs ago, but he didnt want to know. I have 2 more sons and the 3 of them have always been very close. These poor kids searching. I hope they find peace and the answers they are looking for.
I’m not sure this is happening at the right time for this family. Having cameras in the house while you are dying and having your daughter predicating a bond with you only if you express exactly what she wants with a vocabulary you simply don’t have seems pretty brutal. I hope the daughter found peace.
Beautifully said. -that was excruciating to witness
Two of my granddaughters are adopted. All of the relationships in our immediate family are strained to the breaking point from the trauma of adoption. And these do not even have the additional complicating components of foreign adoptions…they are domestic. Personally, I hate adoption & have nothing but regret that I was not able to do things differently.
Totally agree with the original post and agree with the reply that it was beautifully stated. I can mentally understand where Jennifer is coming from, but it’s not the right time or way and possibly not right at all to cause her mom - because that is her mom- undue grief in her terminal days.
Annie … your comment speaks loudly of your treatment regarding your granddaughters. It’s unfortunate.
@@TrueMomentsblog My “treatment”? I was & am sick & was unable to raise them alone. It is my daughter’s negligence of her girls that is/was the issue. But all of the whole process has been soul crushing for all of us…maybe have all of the facts before you make judgements.
Wow this seems horrible for the mom and dad at the end of their lives. Learn to appreciate the good.
I think Jennifer placed too much responsibility on her parents for her feeling as empty as she says she felt. All parents who bring a new baby into the world discover that the kid didn't come with instructions on how to raise them. So you get advice from Grandma or Aunt Jane and you wing it. You do the best you can, and if that child appears to be happy and well adjusted you pat yourself on the back and say, "Thank you, God". If that child keeps everything bad that happens to them bottled up and doesn't trust his or her parents enough to ask them for help, how are they to know that something is going wrong? The very worst thing a parent could hear is that they failed at the job of being a good Mom or Dad.
Do everything as a parent is separate from emotional support. The parents also have a responsibility to learn about adoptee trauma.They chose to adopt. They should have done better job of supporting her emotionally. Speaking from personal experience!
I feel so bad for mom , having to deal with this at the end of her life , I understand mom totally , it hurts her to hear these things .too much for her ,
Why is the woman punishing and bullying her dying mother? She seems like a horribly spoiled child who never grew up, and that's what her mother gets as a reward for her raising her daughter. I also think she may resent her parents for being working class and not having the higher education she got (thanks to them!).
So she should just keep her mouth and be happy that those white people rescued her?🤦🏾♀️
Read a book called The Primal Wound.
You have no idea what Jennifer has experienced in her life and the pain she has deep inside her heart that needs healing. 🤦🏻♀️
I’m assuming you’re not adopted because you totally missed her point.
Her parents had a responsibility to say ‘Jennifer you are not an exotic whore’??? This is getting increasingly absurd
No; buy they should have said," We don't understand what you're going through but We Love you and will Always be here for you. No, we do Not understand How Alone you truly feel." Outside her Parents' sphere of influence; yes, She's just another Asian whore! That's how most Americans see this minority Foreigner! I do understand her pain.
Jen stop being so immature. Count your blessings.
Everyone gets teased about something as a child in school.
Yup
It's not just the teasing it's also the isolation from being the only one teased in such a manner. Nobody else in her family was teased in such a racial way. She was completely alone in this.
@MustyUnderboob how do that
I'm glad this documentary is made available on YT again. Thanks for uploading it.
Thank you for posting this. Very insightful.
I'm adopted too. at the end of the documentary Jennifer talks about how "the adoption story" is "sugar coating" the fact that the adoptee was abandoned. That's her perspective! (there are different ways of looking at it but i choose to believe the "adoption story" tells the tale of how my parents picked me, found me, love me....and it is the part i choose to focus on (not the abandonment). Its not sugar coating something. Its just the beginning of the story of love that brought me where i am supposed to be. ....It seems Jennifer wishes her parents could have had a different...or greater.....perspective....could have done better.....my hope is that Jennifer and Barb Lee(director) get to raise a child....I think it might add to their perspective...it might soften her heart a little to the parents...and might bring healing that can only come from "walking a mile in their shoes" and trying to raise a child and do everything perfectly.....
These parents have made one of their best decisions in life and gave life to their new profound love. Now their love is complete. Great to know there are wonderful parents out there.
We make ourselves so complicated. Appreciate what you have.
Thank the Internet for all of this ha. Puts ideas in people's heads. You said it so succinctly and well
Brilliant film. No easy answers, but all the questions and quandaries must be heard and honored.
35 minutes in and I have to comment on Jennifer. I can see why she has questions and her own unique perspectives- but I don’t think it’s helpful to subject her Mother to these topics and conversations as she is in her last 6 months to a year is life. I just think that Jennifer should be grateful and enjoy the family that raised her.
Totally agree
It's a gift she's giving her. One last offer of connection.
My heart aches for Jennifer. My heart aches for any and every child who’s been adopted, anyone who’s ever felt such a great loss, and has had to adapt, and has not had that luxury that most of us take for granted of being with, and being raised by, their birth parent(s) for their entire lives.
I am an adoptive Mom of two Korean children. One adopted at 6 months and the other at 18 months. Both are adults now with families of their own. My children do not feel a loss of something they do not remember. How can you mourn for something that is not there? That is not to say they sometimes wonder what their life would have been like if they were raised in a Korean family, in Korea. Most children in orphanages today would be so happy to have a forever family. The truth is that in Korea at the time I adopted my children, if you were not adopted you grow up in an institution with only a 12th grade education. You have no family connections in a country that is run by having family connections. You end up being a garbage man or a street sweeper. In Russia, if you are a girl, you end up being a call girl or if you are a boy than a call boy. A call girl or boy means a prostitute. Every country has their own way to deal with children who do not have parents. Some countries do not deal with it at all, and if you survive infancy, you end up a street beggar or worse a pimp gets a hold of you for child sex trafficking. So your aching heart for children who have been adopted is misplaced.
Hey Adopted Parent Lady Above
You do not speak for Adoptees.
This was a lot to put on the mom while she was dying, I understand wanting answers but mom didn’t have the capacity- she was dying
The uninformed comments shows how much is needed to be understood about adoption. the trauma, the sense of loss, the grief,.
I've been harsh on other adoptees in the past. But, that was disagreeing with saying that all international are bad and shouldn't happen. Just seemed weird to be so definitive about it.
Sure seems like most of the anti-Jen comments are coming from non-Korean adoptees.
I am adopted and was so lucky not to be in an orphanage …get the F over your racism and thank whoever you believe in for the love and kindness you received .
how dare you. Disgusting comment . Racism where ? becauseshe doesnt deny her heritage?? are you mentally struggling?
lol, not sure that's the consensus opinion of Korean adoptees, but everyone has their opinions.
And, it's a doc. Would seem odd for the subject of the doc not to express their feelings.
I wanted a sister very much. My dad wanted to adopt a sister for me in Korea from an orphanage he had met- he wanted to rescue & he begged my mother to please do this. I was the oldest & had 3 brothers already. After 5 years she was put in a foster home. It was a very not so good experience. My dad had to pay child support until she was 18. We were not allowed to ever see her again. Later on she did contact us once to get her birth certificate & we attended her wedding. But she told me she didn't want to stay in touch. She said she had no feelings for us & that was the past.
They had actually warned us before we completed the adoption. We thought she was much younger- like 3 or 4- because she was so small. She never grew to be 5 feet tall.
They found her walking alone during the war. So they guessed her age.
She was highly intelligent! People absolutely adored her & she got LOTS of attention everywhere we went.
But people need to know that she had already been thru experiences even at age 2-4 years old that had shaped her already. And of course she had inherited traits and tendencies already. Many foster kids or adopted have not had the holding, spoiling, unconditional love, nurturing from birth. Many have some kind of separation anxiety or just have blocked those feelings in order to cope as a baby or small child.
Wait so your dad couldn’t adopt her because your mom wouldn’t allow him to?
@meowmix3141 Just so you know if you are legally married you cannot adopt without your spouses signature.
@@Bunny11344 we did adopt for 5 years. Then she went to a foster home till she was 18.
@@Bunny11344 Idk what really happened. My mom had 2 stories. One that she was begged to sign the docs. And one that she never signed them. So idk if she was getting old and forgot?, Had soe dementia? Or if she had hidden secrets for years and then she wasn't able to anymore with dementia? Or if she didn't se why not to finally tell the truth? Maybe her meds or dementia/cancer caused her to remember differently?
@@terezobert2101 I only know what my mom told me. And she lived with us 5 years
Our daughter is adopted while we lived in Korea. We birthed a son 9 months later. It’s nice that both of our children were born in Korea. Since we lived there, we got her at 17 days old. Her adopted was finalized when she was 11 months old, just before we moved back to the states. We were military. Funny story, when I was shopping in Seoul, an older woman started talking to me while we sat on a bench waiting for the bus. She knew just enough English to communicate. She asked me if my baby was Korean. I told her that yes, she was mine. She then started to tell me that if you have a beautiful baby, that baby won’t be so beautiful when they get older. She then said if you have an ugly baby, that baby will grow to be very beautiful. She then told me that my daughter will be very beautiful when she grew up. 😳🤪. She essentially said I had an ugly baby! I told her thank you. Of course, I thought she was beautiful. My husband is 1/2 Hispanic so her whole life she favored her dad. I swear, there were people that was surprised that she was adopted. We would laugh and say she’s Korean but that she does favor her dad. We have been so open about who she is. She came to me about wanting to find out her birth family. She sent a letter to the adoption agency but never heard back. She’s very fortunate that with Ancestry and 23&Me she may find someone some day. We are very supportive. We assured her that we will always be her parents and our love will not change. She was called Chinese on the school bus by these boys who I think liked her. She would be very indignant and say she’s not Chinese, she’s Korean. I’m glad we were so open from the beginning. Our daughter is the best daughter a mother could have asked for. We always tell her that we chose her.
We tell her that we are so blessed to get her. People always said that she was lucky. How funny, I always said it was us who were the lucky ones.
Beautiful story!!! I too always tell people I am the one that is blessed and lucky to have my Korean children.
You are both wonderful, beautiful mothers, and I love your stories of your incredible parenting and your love for your children. 🥰
@@GypsyGirl317 my daughter drove me to a market for a meat sale. I’ve just recently had surgery so I cannot drive and barely able to walk. But, hey, it’s a meat sale. I told my daughter how blessed I was to have her for a daughter. Well, we were in the market and it was crowded. She’s so not into crowds. She looks at me and said “I’m the only asian here”. Because of this story, I asked if she was uncomfortable with that. She said she was wasn’t. I’ve been raised by white people. I was on pain drugs but what she actually said burst 💥 me out laughing. I just can’t remember the exact words. My daughter is very stable with who she is. My daughter is engaged to a black man. His mother and I got together and thought our children would be great together. They are. We see the character of a person, not the package they are born with. Makes a world of difference!
You should have told that lady, "well, it seems like you grew up to be an ugly lady, because it takes an ugly person to say something like that."
@@leannestrong1000 to be honest, she was actually complimenting my baby. I was living in korea at the time. For korea, she was not being rude, i was not offended. I’ve looked at babies and knew them as they grew. I know of several babys that were just so beautiful. They were not on the same beautiful level as an adult and they were as a baby. So, what that lady said had a lot if truth behind it. By the way, my daughter is beautiful today. 😂
If the dad would have said "Our Journey", then she would have said, "You don't know about being Korean, it's my journey", but because he said, "Her journey", she said the opposite. This young lady is so angry and she doesn't know where to aim the anger at. I think i'd be angry with my biological parents who gave her up.
I think part of me thinks she should be a little thankful. They could have left her in Foster care all of her life, then she would have had no parents.
Just because she is confronting her pain and needing to connect with her parents doesn't mean she isn't thankful. I think its clear to see she is thankful and she also carries a lot of pain that her parents weren't able to understand.
Yes; but She would still have had her Cultural identity. And know Who she is! No one in Korea or China or Japan says," why are your eyes fucked up and slanted? Or You Ricers are taking over my Country!" Do you get it now? A Foreigner in OUR OWN Country.
Just because someone is adopted doesn't mean that they don't have the rights to complain about anything.
"They could have left her in Foster care all of her life, then she would have had no parents." Or, a much better couple could have adopted her and given her a much better life.
The first woman, the woman who was adopted, seemed as though she was ususally under the influence of drugs, or alcohol.
I understand Jennifer's struggle with the questions she is asking herself. I am 28 and have been asking myself similar questions since I was young. I love my parents with all my heart, and my heart also aches for them as I know they must've wanted their own bio kids and simultaneously my heart aches for myself as I was separated from my bio mother and that wound never seams to heal. Adoptees can love and appreciate their adoptive parents/family and still mourn their life before adoption. As I get older, I agree that many families today adopt babies to have a baby and not for the child themselves. One day that cute little asian baby will grow up and ask questions and I think that's fair and shouldn't be dismissed. It's part of who they are. I truly believe it is important for adoptive families to recognize that their child is a child of color and not say 'I don't see color' - that means that they don't see the child. As hard as that truth may be for some to swallow.
As someone who has only ever lived with my biological parents, I have to say that I agree with you. I will never know what it's like not to know my exact age, birthday, lineage, family medical history, or other important information.
Thise parents were offering help and was asking her but she refused to be helped. Some people need to watch more TH-cam to see how other kids live and many dies, many barely survive, when I seen it I couldn't belive it. It's unbelievable to a point that people can live like that. And no reason to be stuck and make problems like that, especially when parents are ready to die. Instead kids could of been thankful for what they had and how they lived their life. She crossed her parents with big red x, for everything they did for her. Even she said she got to college and stuff. I don't think her brother got that. She was spoiled way too much. This happens all the time even non adoptees become like that when they are spoiled too much.
Her parents do not see color because they weren’t bigots and they loved her unconditionally! Period. Jennifer is outrageously ungrateful.
@@flowerflower4587
Jennifer is a narcissist and an ingrate!
Count your blessings and stay grateful. Life sucks, make it great! Be a blessing.
The Korean girl is disturbed.
"I think I probably remember a whole lot more details about, uh, picking Jenny up from the airport, than I do about giving birth to Eric." Make sure Eric never hears that!
Given the mother's age at time of his birth and the era in which she lived, she was surely drugged-up with full anesthesia for the birth, or placed into "twilight sleep". Natural childbirth wasn't a thing at that time. It's no wonder she has fainter memories of that day. Anyone giving birth to anyone in that era underwent the very same thing. It doesn't mean Jenny's and Eric's mother didn't absolutely adore Eric! And every bit as much as she adored Jenny! It's so very important to contextualize people's life experiences as we seek to understand their statements and the things they do. Thanks for allowing me to share!
@@cherwynambuter7873 that may be true, but if her son heard her say that, he might misconstrue it as favoritism, even if it isn't. I know if I heard one of my parents said, "I remember more details about giving birth to Ethan than I do about giving birth to Leanne," I would have mistaken that for favoritism, even if it wasn't.
I know a young woman (early 20s) who was adopted by an American family after being found in a box on a street in China and spending 15 months in an orphanage. They did everything they could to give her an amazing childhood and life…but that kind of early trauma creates deep, lasting ripples in the psyche. RAD is so prevalent in these kinds of adoptions and it’s heartbreaking.
Agree
It would be interesting to see where Jennifer is now since this was documented back in 2007. She was only 32 at the time. I would say if she try to find her biological family through DNA testing she may learned more about who she is. She may come to appreciate her ethnicity, her Korean culture. I believe that is one of the missing pieces in her life.
Doing my DNA testing I was able to locate my father’s biological family. I learned to appreciate the struggles they had coming to this country. And not only that appreciate who I am as an Asian American. I never had that growing up, an appreciation of myself as an only Asian growing up in a predominantly non Asian community.
I googled her and it says she’s a grief counselor now…
She isn't part of the Korean culture. One is born and raise into a culture, not born with a culture. It is sad that she was teasd but we were all bullied at some point. I moved from one province to another and the kids used that to bully me at my new school. It is a sad part of growing up.
This woman sounds like she has a lot of emotional problems and she carries a lot of bitterness.
@@honeybunch5765 Jennifer IS and WAS Korean. Is a black baby adopted by white parents now white or vice versa?
You do know white children are fostered and adopted by black parents?
For a while, I was considering adoption for when I decide it is time for me to start a family. However, after watching this and other videos about the realities of adoption, I am definitely having second thoughts!
Well there’s a Korean woman on TH-cam I respect a lot. If you haven’t seen her, her name is Esther and her husband also Korean is a doctor and they adopted a cute little Korean boy at about fourteen months I think and they have two biological sons. They speak only Korean in home and if anyone should be able to have a good outcome it should be them but it has been so hard on her it affects her health. She always dreamed of adopting and it’s been a nightmare for her. Just look up Korean Family Adventures if your interested.
I would say, don’t have second thoughts! Children need you. You can give them the security they never had. I never wished to go back and find my biological parents, except for health reasons, I didn’t care. I was satisfied and am thankful my parents gave me this second chance at what is probably a better life than I would have had in Korea. Yes, there will be prejudice and hardships along the way… but honestly, what family doesnt have prob. somewhere?
@@charaf7566 I have also seen videos online about possible cases of human trafficking. The agencies told the children's birth families that their children that their children were going to the US or other developed nations for educational purposes only, when they were actually being extracted from their families, and placed for adoption. The agencies or orphanages would then lie to adoptive families about the children's circumstances.
I would adopt and my kids get college free and many other government benefits but I’m too old. They wouldn’t let me. I have researched a lot about it and unfortunately the kids dealing with the most hard core grief is Korean. The kids in Korea are treated better and placed in good homes where they are treated like family at like age three weeks or less so that foster mom is carrying baby on their back and is rarely not being held by her and then adoptive parents show up and take the toddler to a new country, new language and new living arrangements. Even friends I thought were doing great said well NO! He’s trying to climb out windows and escape. He’s kicking me and throwing tantrums but at about six months they turn the corner and start doing better. Then my other friends is ran ragged and stressed all the time two years later and it’s still bad. Then China seems to be better after a day or two because they are in orphanages with not enough of everything especially food so they feel like Kings with the Americans. Most sleep through the night no issues while Koreans are up all night screaming Umma which is Mommy in Korean and they want that foster mom carrying them on back all day.
If I get married, I would like to adopt but I think it is best to stick to one’s race. I’m black and would want a black child. If my husband is white, then an inter-racial child is a possibility . I saw snippets of this documentary. She seems whiny. Her parents are dying. She is not the center of the universe. She should let her parents die in peace. Documentaries like this will turn people off adoption.
I think Jennifer needs therapy.
This woman needs to find her birth family, and figure out who she is. You're a grown woman now, not a baby. Heal your trauma by exploring Korea. Yikes.
Agree! All she’s doing is hurting her adopted parents! So shameful....
Did you see in the film that she went to Korea, lived and worked there, but was completely unable to fit in because the culture, language, and ways were so unfamiliar to her? She did make a serious attempt.
@@elainevankat5353 as an adoptee, I find it shamefull that people DEMAND other people Babies
Awwww bless her poor heart. To bad she couldn't have traded her childhood for mine. I bet she will be perfect parent.
I was not adopted yet brutally bullied and teased in school. I never dreamed to blame it on my parents. I hold the biggest bully responsible but she spread her lies and mean spirited comments to everyone and anyone who would listen. She made my life a living hell. So much so that I ran away and skipped school in second grade! That is how early it started and it went on all through middle school. It impacted my life greatly but not once did I hold my parents accountable. They had nothing to do with the horrible person who lived on the next street who chanted and called me gay....only to cover up the fact that she was. As an adult growing up in a time where being gay was shameful I can only imagine the pain she was in. So much so that she had to share it. But I will never forgive her. She was cruel.
Were your parents a different race to yours? Cos otherwise it’s not your place to say anything really.
Also, you can try to communicate with your parents & share your feelings, but you can't expect them to totally change or understand. This is also the case for same race natural families , or adoptive families. In our 30's, it is common to sort things out about our parents, heritage, parent discipline, etc. We try to understand the world around us. Not just what we were taught by our parents, or what our community around us.
If they love her, they will walk to the moon. Her parents aren’t even trying. I am willing to bet she has stopped speaking with her dad.
Your words speak volumes. Most parents do their best. When a child questions their upbringing, they usually have difficulty explaining what they (the parents) could have done better…more/less hugs, more/less discipline, better communication, education, better food choices, hobbies, less involvement in school activities, more presence at sporting events etc.
This doesn’t mean that she didn’t experience trauma. It’s important that she addresses her childhood experiences. This includes her parent’s skewed perspective.
I agree with you and as an adoptee, I really QUESTION why this girl has NOT been in counseling/ therapy since childhood.
This was very interesting. Thanks 🙏 for giving insight into this complex situation. So educational seeing from all perspectives. I do Hope Jennifer is ok today?
I think everyone could be sympathetic to Jennifer. I think she needs to go live in the town she was born in for a year. I’m sure her perspective would change. I feel so bad for her adopted parents.
I am sorry Jennifer did not feel safe enough when she was younger to express the anger and frustration and sadness she surely felt. Unfortunately she had to wait until it all erupted like a volcano spewing hot ash on everyone around her. It is time for her parents to show her that they love the angry Jennifer is much as they loved the compliant one. Hope and peace to all.
I am a Korean American and can validate her feelings. Jennifer is about the same age as me. I only wish the conversations in video had happened earlier, not while her mom was dying. So much healing to come. Jennifer need to accept her parents’ shortcomings and move on. I hope she did. My biological mom traumatized me more than one can imagined. I finally stopped in hoping things would change. I finally severed my relationship with my mom. If her parents were causing ongoing trauma, Jennifer was not obligated to maintain her relationship with her parents.
A very heartbreaking journey that i think a normal person cannot understand. Neither here, neither there. Some adoptees might have gone through it silently. It is not about selfishness. It is about grieving a loss and abandonment. Some are stronger.. some are not . I can fully understand and know the deep feeling of being hurt from being abandoned even though I am not an adoptee. I just hope we will learn to celebrate the things we gain and look forward positively to the future and forgive the past. The world is not perfect and full of troubles, we have to stay strong and unite with those that truly cares and loves us in order to survive .
A person that has not been through it cannot fully understand... What is "normal"?
@@angelaame6148 I believe that here, the OP means not adopted.
When using the word “normal” about people, the word has the same meaning as its mathematical equivalent.
To everyone making negative comments about Jennifer: None of you probably know what it’s like to be adopted. I would watch what I say if I were you especially if you don’t know what it’s like…..
I wasn’t adopted but I totally get where Jennifer is coming from , she is articulating it very clearly.
Thank you for sharing .@@corrinebayraktaroglu5695
Watch what we say or what? 😂
@@HeatherBoo916apparently, TH-cam won't let you comment for 16 to 48 hours. Sometimes they close your account.
@@WVgirl1959 like Facebook jail lol I'm a regular there
So many parents have a hard time seeing their children as individuals and instead see them as extensions of themselves. In all kinds of families. The “I don’t see color” folks are an interesting breed.
“Breed” is an interesting word choice.
@@yashathebelgianmalinois348 it’s American slang. “Interesting breed” Common term, but you are right, not incredibly pc in 2023 on examination.
I have always wanted to know how white people think that ignoring skin color makes everything an even playing field. I want my child to be seen! I want her beautiful Carmel color to be recognized and appreciated because that is what makes her an individual!
Truly humbled that your family could be together again
Thank you for posting this. I have listen to and read about a lot of similar stories, but to actually see how the adoptive parents react, and what body language they use when confronted with difficult questions from their adopted child, is very enlightening.
Both my parents recently died, so I know how urgent it is to ask all the important questions before it is to late. I think Jennifer did the right thing, because if she had not said anything about how she really felt, she would have regretted it for the rest of her life.
As a mother I can understand why the parents initially react like they do. But I don’t understand why the didn’t try to see things from their daughters point of view; why they didn’t try to meet her half way.
Right, you have two sides to yourself adoption sometimes four. 😢 So let people know where they are from,and the other sides to themselves.❤❤❤
I don't think Jenny's parents had the capacity, or just didn't know how, to meet her half way. I think Jenny was a brave girl. We all have a child within us.
It is not her asking the questions, it is how she did it. She was very cruel to her father in the restaurant. There is a big difference between having a conversation on a subject that is hard to talk about and being cruel about it. Jennifer was cruel.
Jennifer truly wanted an authentic deep relationship where her parents could understand her, she tried so hard and I think that the parents weren't prepared for that confrontation and they struggled to connect with her on the level that she needed.
Is there a follow up available?
Yeah, this video was posted 2 years ago and her parents are dead. She is a self-obsessed narcissistic twit who, instead of seeking therapy, she bludgeons her parents into pulp because they don't feel every feeling she has ever felt.
Jennifer is suffering with a mental illness. She is not well at all! This feeling of not belonging is just a mask of something else. I don't think for one second that her parents could say or do anything that would satisfy her. This isn't about her adoption. I feel so bad for her parents. She has hurt them deeply during the most vulnerable time of their lives. Her mother had to live out the last few months of her life being pushed, put down and made to feel like she didn't do a good enough job as a parent. Her brother should have put a stop to all of this. He allowed her to hurt his parents while his mother was in her last days of life. I was so disgusted with her behavior and you could see that her uncle was as well during that sit down dinner in the restaurant. UNBELIVABLE!
My thoughts exactly. Well said.
"I don't think for one second that her parents could say or do anything that would satisfy her. " I think what Jennifer needed to hear was a simple sorry. Unfortunately, her parents didn't even think they did anything wrong. Just look at her face when she said that she didn't care about her birth mother at all and that she wanted her all for herself.
To choose to offload all of this when her mother is dying of a brain tumour, the level of self involvement and obliviousness was a bit hard to take.
lol, people are terrible. Dealing with adoption issues and parents dying is not mental illness.
Those are specific things and not someone's brain going haywire.
Did we watch the same documentary? This girl went through hell - and her mom sat out of helping her
It's like this Korean chick has been punishing her mom her whole life for adopting her...I guess she would have rather been left to rot in an orphanage there...I think it's important that she visit her home country, especially a few of the orphanages there to see what her life could have been...
Many Korean adoptees wish they had never left Korea. They would rather rot as you say…..
Heftig dit. Dit is de emotionele kant van een adoptie in beeld gebracht.
Was so hard to watch the end of this. Im so sad for Jen. Was to real. The love and bond of the family is so great but i understand her pain and curiosity.
So respect, honor & admire her truth
As well as her family's love of her n ignorance of the truth. Absolutely respect their honesty!
International adoptions should be carefully considered.she clearly says she has no bond with her mother.
Her mother seemed like a very cold woman.
When will we learn?
You can’t take one baby from one family and plop it down thousands of miles away and expect all to be fine.
Why do these women FEEL ENTITLED TO OTHER WOMEN’S BABIES???????
No one owes you a BABY!!
Stop the madness and trauma.
We are not toys for you all to play with.
OMG her parents are infuriating. Like "If you're not going to let me minimize your feelings and write off my contribution to the problem, please be quiet. You're upsetting *ME*.
I don't want to hear that *YOU'RE* upset and in pain, because that makes *ME* feel bad." As someone who did the adoption classes, as someone raised in a white family, as someone with a dismissive parent, her parents were super triggering to me.
I have compassion for Jennifer. I believe that the abandonment issues at birth need healing. Her mom described her as somewhat unresponsive emotionally in the beginning as a baby. Its obvious her parents love her unconditionally. Her brother is fabulously supportive. I hope as she matures she doesn't feel guilty for blaming her unhappiness on her parents for adopting her. She views life negatively. Looking in, it's clear that she was provided a better and more loving family than many of those those born here into a family. She was given so many blessings but she cant forgive the birth mother and subsequently blames the people that rescued her and loved her as their own flesh and blood.
Imagine wanting a child so badly and falling in l9ve with a baby that is a different race and loving her as your child and making sure she is happy healthy and successful and never once thinking of her as anything but your child. Then she grows up and tells you because you arent the sa.e race you caused trauma to her for loving her and giving her a great life. I so hope this lady realizes that she was blessed to have great parents
Imagine not being able to acknowledge your child's genuine pain.
☀️I think they can do better than a room full of crying babies. A baby will tend to cry in such a tense atmosphere, hearing other babies cry.
Even at a small birthday party. If one baby cries more will follow. Very good for the baby to see the mothers hugging.👍💕
I thought the same thing and that was such a sad way having all those babies at once. It needed to be more individual and careful. I thought that was so cruel the way they did that
If our parents did the best they could, how can we fault them?
Honestly she sounds mad she even was adopted. I guess she would have rather grown up in her own country in an orphanage rather than with a loving family in America who did the best they could.
I cried more than a few times watching this film. 😢
Parents are not perfect. You were and are loved. Your real parents are where? Don't blame your parents that raised you for those things they cannot change- the oast.
She’s actually getting on my nerves watching her.
💯
Be thankful you were adopted by good people. Look at the positive. Deal with the negative but focus on the good. It could have been so different.
Did you watch the documentary?
I don't know if I'd harbor rage because a family rescued me from a childhood in an orphanage. As an orphan in Korea, she'd have no where NEAR the education and success she has now. And she knows that. Some folks have a hard time counting their blessings. It's easier be a victim I guess.
I agree. I don’t understand all this rage. I also really never cared to go and find my biological family. There’s a reason they felt they had to give me up, so they did, I say to give me hope for a new better life. My parents have always told me the truth about my adoption and made it a positive. Once I asked my mom how she would feel if I wanted to meet my biological parents. She said she might be a little jealous, but it’d be up to me when I’m older. I have never felt that need. I really don’t care about my birth name, maybe cause There’s no way to find out anyway, so why be bothered. I have a legal name, and that’s okay with me! Maybe I feel this way because I was adopted so young, I don’t know. I just know I am thankful, and if I could, I would have adopted children, also!
It’s not about that she shouldn’t have to feel happy just because she was adopted just because her parents wanted a child. I’m pretty sure they knew she was going to feel out of place and made fun of but choose to ignore it because they wanted a child she never asked for this. That’s like saying you shouldn’t complain and be happy with your life’s because theirs starving children in Africa
Aw, the foster mother loves her so much ❤️. What a beautiful person and selfless act to foster children. I've fostered pets and that's difficult enough, I cannot imagine!
many thanks for all adoptive parents
Jen neds to check for her roots and have counselling to accept herself and also have gratitude
for the adoptive parents
What makes you think she doesn't have gratitude?
@@MustyUnderboob😂😂😂😂
@HeatherBoo916 You're incredibly ignorant on the struggles of adoptees. Again the tired old "well I would be grateful." She's clearly very grateful to her parents, she arranged something very special for her dad. She is traumatised from the fact that she was adopted. You can't gratitude your way out of adoption trauma. That's not how it works.
Were you adopted? Didn't think so. Everything you spew comes from a hypothetical place. It's boring as well as ignorant. You don't know the inner workings of any adoptee you claim to know.
I can tell you are an Adopter...just by the comment.
Jennifer needs to go back to Korean where she came from , to the police station she was left in, to the orphanage she was taken too and perhaps she could talk to the Nuns or the nurses there and research and live her "start of life".
It was such a shame her parents did not have to go to Korea as part of her adoption so they could see her country and have memories with her there before they all came back to US. Perhaps they would have admired and learnt about her country of birth.
Jennifer you have a wonderful brother .... hold him close.
The mother told her that she didn't care at all about her birth mother. If they really loved her, then they would have introduced at least some Korean culture to her. I think what really happened is that they couldn't afford to adopt a child born in the US so they went for some child from a foreign country. They couldn't care less about her home country, which kinda proves that they were just selfish parents.
If she didn’t care about the poor both mom - how could she care about the baby????
She feels ENTITLED to another Woman’s baby.
No one owes you a BABY
I can relate to this in that I am very different from both my parents. We can't have a meaningful conversation with each other and feel understood. But we don't have the complexities this family has. It's got to be so painful but I hope today that Jennifer has found peace.
The part Adoptive parents' collectively don't understand is this. If you're adopted from Russia, or even hispanic/latin descent, if you're light skinned or can pass as "White" in this culture; Assimilation is way easier. I think Men have it harder. We cannot fully integrate because of our Asian genetics. Jennifer would have done so much better had She not been so isolated. Due to her Family's economic hardships and Oregon is mostly rural farmlands except Portland area. Seeing Other Asians around would have made transition to American life easier. It's Not easy thinking you're White in that Family when the Mirrors reflected back tell you otherwise. Like i've stated, i was Lucky to have very good looks; as i've aged, I look even more handsome but with Eastern genetics. I still to this day get told," you're really good looking; for an Azian-Guy!" Uh..., Thanx? I guess it's better than being told you're Fugly!
Wow, this was a very emotional documentary. I wish Jennifer gets what she needs because she definitely didn’t get the emotional mental support from her adoptive family. I think her brother was the only one who was not walking around with rose colored glasses on. Jennifer really suffered. I don’t think people should adopt children unless they are open to understanding how they feel and think. I was so upset when her father didn’t tell her he loved her back. And her mother said she didn’t care about Jennifer‘s birth mother. That was so cold and so mean. I was really hurt by that!!!! She was pleading with them to understand her and they refused to. They really lacked empathy, that is my pain in your heart. So sad!!! I would love to know how Jennifer is doing now. What a beautiful girl with so much heart. I would have loved for her to find her birth parents. ❤Celeste NY
Yes the abandonment can affect a child deeply. It's a two way street. Its your attitude you choose to take. Many kids have come from not so perfect homes or childhoods. And many overcome these things & rise above. Life is a gift and isn't perfect. But we csn learn from mistakes, we can listen more, and try to be open enough by to hear each other out- to express what we need to say- to sort out where we go from here.. like raising a family of our own. It takes time to heal. Im glad you helped your parents and spent tome with your mother before she died. You'll be so glad you did later. I hope you keep uo your relationship with your dad and remember you cant control another person or make them totally understand you. But you vsn let each other know how you feel & keep trying and keep listening and with love & patience .
Adoption is NOT a two way street.
One party holds all the power.
One party makes all the decisions.
One party holds all the secrets.
The adoptee is not even a party to the agreement of her own adoption.
I am American at birth but adopted. I know how she feels. Its like its all secret. No one wants to talk about it both my mom and dad are dead. I know where my birth mother is but I have never gone to see her out of respect for my mom and dad. We never talked about it. All my life I have wondered. Never felt free to search. I am over 70. I know how she feels guilt if you even ask questions. I guess there scared of loosing u. I will die never knowing my birth mother who if is still alive is in her 80s. Maybe it’s best not to open those doors. Could been a rap anything behind that door. Maybe it’s best to be who you are now. I alway felt diffrent then other kids. Sometimes I felt like a pet yet I know i was loved. I cause lot of problems looking for love who I was I have decided I am me I have my face my hair. I am just me after years l like my self and I do not need other people to validate who I am or my right to be happy. Forget the past accept who you are. God put you where you are for reason. You have had love food cloths a home. All supply by God who gave that dad and mom health to provide it. After all what did our birth moms give us hair color looks. It was God who gave life. Be happy choose to be happy do not waste your life worrying about what you do not have. This stuff steals years of your life you have to make your life what you want it to be. The mom and dad you have who ever you are will be gone one day. You better stop looking for a mom who left you and hold on to one who loves you so. We are all searching for something in life and it’s usually right I. Front of us. I thank adopted children want to talk about and not feel like it’s deep dark secret. That hurts
“Expect them to do better?” What more could they possibly have done for you in Milwaukee? So if you can’t socialize your adopted child with other children of their same race, they shouldn’t adopt them? America is a big country and not everyone lives near areas with a lot of diversity. It’s just a fact of life.
I believe you mean well, but it's not a dig on her parents, necessarily. I'm in the same boat. I'm adopted from Korea and grew up in Golden CO in the 80s, super caucasian!
And my mom passed away 5 weeks ago. And I wished I had done better the last few years, and wished SHE HAD DONE better the first 20. Unless you're adopted you don't 100% understand, even if you do understand 98%.
It's not an insult to anyone. It's just a lot to unravel, regardless. Much love to you!
And she survived if not thrived. Can you imagine in race conscious Korea how an only white child growing up there?
@@Uncle-Smart-Alecactually whites are treated pretty well in Korea and many Asian countries.
@@Uncle-Smart-Alecyou are obviously clueless to what it is like to experience culture shock and not feel like others
Culture shock is something that needs to be discussed and expected as an issue to be addressed for adoptee children of race different from parents adopting.
I see a Loving Selfish (we all can be this way) Mother being threatened by "... you would get more of me if you imagine I was connected to someone else at one time." It pains me to hear Mother is told she can do better at this stage of Mom's life. Jennifer as an adult now can write/right her own path. We have one life to live. Choose it wisely and cherish those on the way who have helped you live your fullest and not begrudge those who don't. Introduce change don't intrude change. Once our Eyes are open to the world that many may have not known or have been blind to, We must choose how We will interpret it. We may be alone in our beliefs but will eventually find others in common. We learn and grow from what we know and what we didn't know. We never know (as well) who is going to birth/adopt us. Each story and ending could be different. We never really get all our questions answered.
Well said
You have an incredible way of putting insight into words. This is an amazing documentary. I am so glad I watched it. It is a betwixt-and-between situation, but I am super grateful Jennifer spoke up. The general populous is ignorant because we have never been challenged otherwise. I am truly grateful for this insight and your comments too.
Well said but easier said than done.
I can sympathize with someone who wants to know their heritage, but to say they are traumatized for being picked on and tying it to their adoption? That's rather a stretch because bullying happens to thousands of biological children every year. It happened to me all through grade school and I was a skinny blue eyed blonde girl born to white parents. I was bullied because I was the only child in my class (twelve kids-country school-60's) that wore glasses. I was hit, kicked, called names, etc...Sorry, but she doesn't get to own that one. I have two adopted first cousins. Both girls who were born on the Pine Ridge indian reservation in South Dakota in the early 60's. One is a retired school principal and the other owns her own real estate business. The oldest girl, Jeannie, wanted to find her bio mother at age 19. She did manage to find her and spent a week in Pine Ridge. When she came back, our two families got together for my Aunt's birthday celebration and I asked Jeannie about her visit. I asked if she had found her mother and she looked square at me and said, "MY mother is in the kitchen getting ready to blow out her candles". I never brought it up again. Not all inter-racial adoption stories are fraught with feelings of displacement. We just don't seem to hear much about those. ❤ Best wishes to all.
May God Bless the hands of all the people who adopted kids from all over the world and gave them a loving life and home ...
Unfortunately not all adopted children... appreciate it!! (like Jennifer).
@@elainevankat5353 Why should we just appreciate the trauma of losing our birth parents?
She sure had a great Brother who loves her.
I had always wanted to adopt a child from Asia but never did. This documentary made me aware of how important it would be to include educating your children in their native culture. I hope Jennifer was getting counseling - to me the greatest gift of love is to carry a baby to term then realize you need to relinquish her for a better life due to circumstances beyond your control.
I wasn’t lucky enough to be placed in loving family but I take it as life lessons and handed lemons I made into lemonade…I am responsible for my own life and on the wayside hoped inspired other, you can do it!
I was not born into a loving family. I too consider it to be a life lesson and it has made me much more compassionate to the frailties of being human. I cannot control what happened to me in my life, but we I am now the captain of my own ship!
Adoption begins with trauma, grief, and loss on the part of the child. How much this trauma actually impacts the child depends upon factors such as genetic resilience and the ability of the adoptive parents to mitigate the impact of trauma by being emotionally attuned to their child. "Resilience is undeniably influenced by genetic factors..." (pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31583809/ - published in the peer-reviewed journal American Journal of Medical Genetics, part B, Neuropsychiatric Genetics)
Just as two people can be in the same car in the same car accident, and one walk away planning to drive again tomorrow, and the other saying they'll never drive again in their life, even so two adoptees can go through similar trauma and one be "traumatized" (a state of being) and the other not be impacted much by it. We know that soldiers in the same battle come home with different amounts of impact. As adoptees, we need to be full of grace to recognize that we will be impacted differently by our relinquishments and adoptions.
Having said this, congratulations on your having been able to overcome your great trials and found the strength to captain your life ship! That's awesome and I'm so very proud of you!
(But nor am I not proud of those who haven't been able to "rise above" yet!)
It really comes down an adoptee's temperament. Some people are highly sensitive and some are not.
This girl is very lucky to have a wonderful family who made so much efforts to make her happy. Get a life!!!
Totally lucky that her birth parents (in her mind) died and she was raised by total strangers. So lucky.
Maybe they weren’t so wonderful? We don’t know what truly goes on behind closed doors, or how things were handled.
@@charaf7566 I agree you should try to be grateful but again, we don’t truly know what her parents were like behind closed doors…