Tools for Processing Grief and Loss after Betrayal
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ม.ค. 2023
- Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF specializes in treating and educating on betrayal trauma (infidelity recovery), addiction recovery, and helping individuals/couples navigate relationship crises. This was a free, live webinar provided for members of the WeTonglen community (female betrayed partners of sex addicts). It explores the "betrayal heavy-hitters" of healing from trauma, shame, and processing grief and loss. Kristin educates on the importance of identifying what has been lost as a consequence of betrayal, uncovering addiction, years of lies, and the chaos that's ensued. Kristin provides a journaling prompt to help participants continue their grief and loss processing journey. The idea behind this exercise is once we name and understand the depth of our grief, we can begin to sit with it, get used to it, and--eventually--absorb it into our beings. In other words, we never get over our losses and grief, it just becomes part of identity and story. Not ALL of our identity or story. Just a piece of it. Our losses and grief shape us and change the way we view ourselves, the world, and others. We must fully process and mourn our losses before we move to forgiveness. person grieves in a different way, at different times, and views loss differently. It's important to honor everyone’s grief process and respect that it's not a linear, graceful process. This is a part of free monthly webinars on all issues related to couples crisis issues and moving from unhealthy to healthy relationship dynamics.
(This is a recorded live webinar with WETONGLEN.com)
**The Grief/Loss Journal Prompt: www.kristinsnowden.com/2022-c...
(THIS IS EDUCATIONAL ONLY, THIS IS NOT THERAPY)
www.kristinsnowden.com | KristinSnowdenMFT@gmail.com
FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY AND RESOURCES: www.kristinsnowden.com/free-r...
Get my FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: bit.ly/RelationshipCrisis to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. It’s a small collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through the initial crisis period.
Need help and guidance now? Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin bit.ly/RRROnlineProgram
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JOIN KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINARS EVERY ODD MONTH, THE SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM (pacific time) through SexandRelationshipHealing.com . Zoom link: zoom.us/j/244109360 Co-host Tami@seekingintegrity.com @SexandRelationshipHealing
#addictionrecovery #couplescrisis #infidelity #betrayaltrauma #griefjourney #shameresilience #divorce #couplescounseling #maritalissues #attachmenttrauma #forgiveness
Kristin is the co-author of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life bit.ly/LifeAnonymousBook
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My husband of 27 years passed away due to cancer. I helped him through his first bout 4 years ago for 2 years. This second occurrence 6 months of intensive care and hospice at home. I found out a week after he died he was having multiple affairs with women 22 yrs. younger than him. I never imagined, my whole past has been destroyed, I thought he was impotent and not interested. I am very grateful to have found you. I can't thank you enough.
I am so sorry. I’m going through something similar. Big hugs (((((❤️)))))
Sorry to hear that.
I have a similar story.
I nursed my girlfriend through breast cancer, I loved her so much
As soon as she started feeling better I realized she has had another man
She ended things with me
I'm devastated 😞
As someone who cheats, I can tell you he probably thought you knew at least a little bit and sort of approved of it.
I am so sorry I can’t even imagine but I can tell you that nothing he did had anything to do with you. It had to do with him and his own weaknesses and desires. You can never fulfill someone else just like no one can fulfill you our joy and happiness comes from within, and from God, and I pray that God heals your heart, and that you know that you are worthy and lovable, and that nothing you did made him make those choices. Everyone is responsible for their own choices.
You cared for the man, you married and fulfilled your vows. God will honor you and heal you. 🙏
@@Mindstangle you are either a bad comedian, or a moron (my comment is directed at the person who wrote…..as someone who cheats…)
Forgivness has never been a problem in my case. But shock, grief and healing the betrayal trauma. Healing is the most important part. ❤
I don’t know what the right way to heal is I just know I don’t want to live this over again in any way whether it be in this life or any future lifetimes
I have watched hours and hours and hours of videos trying to learn how to properly deal with the grief that I’m living with after recent betrayal and childhood traumas and this has made me feel so validated in my feelings and empowered in a way I haven’t felt possible until today. Thank you so much for this. You have spoken words into my heart that I’ve needed to hear for months and also for decades.
My daughter has started ignoring me over the past 3 years. She first laughed it off and said I was oversensitive..last year, I tried to discuss it with her. She said Im too needy but expecting her to answer a message within two weeks. Two weeks ago I decided I just cant do it anymore. I sent her an email and told her my mental health is better without her. She has simply attached to her wealthy family in law who gets on with her dad and Im treated as the unacceptable relative.
If we'd had a bad relationship while she was growing up it wouldv been more understandable...now she's abandoned me to fit in with others. Its very very hard to deal with.
My 3 sons have treat me like dirt since their Dad died 20 yrs ago. I have helped them thru this. Had enough now and don't want anymore contact with them. Its hard but at least it's peaceful. Hugs x
I would like a video when the betrayer shows no remorse, launches into cruelty and ghosts after knowing you 23 years. All this after exposure of the sex addiction. When you can’t forgive as they have showed no repentence.
I'm having such a terrible time, I thought we were through with this and we were moving forward trying to repair our relationship, I felt like we were on the right track and I trusted her. I love her so much, I didn't realize she was capable of hurting me this bad, but apparently she just got better at acting. How could someone fake an entire relationship and live a double life while looking someone they claim to love in the eyes and lying over and over and over. My heart and soul are absolutely crushed.
It makes it harder that I have nobody at all to talk to, I have to quietly deal with it all on my own and go about my life like everything is fine, while my will to live on is being tested on such a deep level.
Im so sorry you’re going through this and I hope you know that you’re not alone. I have a similar situation and am seeking help with a therapist and support group
me too.
the mother will darvo it at all costs and then tried to punish me on top of all the trauma he put me through 💔
I can connect with you so much, I have been married for along time and it has been so hard to be lied to, to not feel safe , the grief of how my entire family has to go through. I can only pray , that is the only relief.
I never leave comments but this video should have way more views. This channel has been such an amazing resource for me.
This material is very specific and has helped me cope with exactly what I’m dealing with.
I found out about my partner’s behavior when I also found out I was pregnant. I have felt so out of control and this video has helped me understand exactly what I am dealing with and what these uncomfortable feelings are. Thank you so much for this content.
I saved this video so i can go over it msny times. This is helping me process my grief. Thanks so much for this video
😊 Thank you for what you do it is greatly appreciated. Don Wallace.
Thank you for trying to help people.
This is a horrible thing to deal with.
Appreciate your efforts to try to help people.
I feel ashamed of myself for letting myself fall in love so deeply... but that shame wouldn't be so deep if I wasn't betrayed.
I am ashamed because I feel naive. I am ashamed of loving someone so much that I could possibly be betrayed like this.
I'm so sad to hear your say this. There is NOTHING wrong with loving someone. Its one of the most vulnerable and brave things one can do in life. Betrayed partners often feel shame for loving their betraying partner, however, how were you to know about his/her lies and secrets? He/she was invested in hiding that all from you to maintain the relationship.
Thank you so much Kristen for your time that you take to upload these videos.There are not many free lectures for couples with actual information, details and that are actually helpful.You helped me a lot to understand my partner and myself and i m sure you changed many people's lives.Keep going. I really appreciate your work and thank you again.
This is so hard because as I’m listening to this, it’s triggering me so much and causing so much anger an emotion and I’m trying so hard to work through it as it surfaces instead of running from it because I want to heal and I know I deserve so much more than what I’ve had.
Thank you for your willingness to share as this painful push/pull experience is so common. You’re not alone. I have a grief group starting on July if you’re looking for more support.
Ten months with a man who I thought was THE one for the rest of my life. Amazing connection. Yesterday I uncovered all his lies… lies he had been telling me from day one. I’m shattered. Betrayed. So much pain. So many lies. How can I go on??
I’m sorry. The discovery is devastating and turns your world upside down. But you’re not alone. Please seek out help at sexandrelarionshiphealing.com or WeTonglen.com. I also have a video talking about “first steps” after discovery of betrayal and lies here. th-cam.com/video/_nWBGUmkLMY/w-d-xo.html
You’re not alone and you should not try to go through this alone.
I’m so sorry that’s happened to you, I’m 30 years! I am thinking time will heal, I hope so, I’m 3 plus years now already. And I’m still sucking pond water.
@@elimoran7345 I don’t know how some women heal so quickly and some of us are just slower
10 months!? RuN
only 15 minutes in and I am learning so much. I have always ignored and tried to eliminate the grief, pain, shame, etc.... More like Carl Jung's mask theory and integrate that part of you into your new persona and control it. Otherwise you are just hiding it and when it comes out, it will control you.
That is so well said and I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. Courage is contagious.
I have watched countless videos, searching for something to explain my unique type of betrayal. Everything Kristin says rings true more than anything else I have found on TH-cam. My husband and I have had many many years of therapy and yet I have never understood that what I was experiencing was Betrayal Trauma and psychological damage from gaslighting for almost 20 years. I will be sending an email, hoping to get some basic direction on current therapy and possible group help.
Hi! I’m so happy my videos have been helpful. I actually have a small betrayed partners group starting Nov 8. Here’s the info: www.kristinsnowden.com/live-workshops E-mail me if you have questions kristinsnowdenmft@gmail.com
Well done KristinSnowden. One of the very best about and for Betrayal out there!
Thank you! I’m so happy you’ve found my content useful! FYI I have a live 10-week workshop starting August 23 that has a few spots left (for betrayed partners) Here’s the link www.kristinsnowden.com/live-workshops
Hi, I'm jen & I'm having such a hard time right now and reading these comments make me feel like other people can relate. I have had a friend for 20 years, mostly long distance bc we lived in different places, but always liked each other & always kept in touch. He contacted me in Dec after 10 months and told me both of his parents just passed. He was devastated over his mother. I invited him to come spend the holidays with me. He did & we started dating 6 months ago. I took him in when he had nothing, and bought him everything to restart his whole life. He was never a great boyfriend to me. I know he loved me as a person but was emotionally unavailable & had problems with physical intimacy as well. but I loved him regardless. He blamed it on ED due to yrs of past drug abuse. The lack of intimacy was a big issue for me because my love language is physical touch and if i cannot be able to share that with the person I love, it's a devastating feeling for me. I say that to explain the back story of my last 2 weeks. My boyfriend had a history with heroin but had been clean 4 years. He decided 2 weeks ago to go to New York City for 3 days to visit some friends & go to a concert. I could not go as I had prior obligations. We live in philly so it wasn't super far. He left really early on Friday 5/19 at 4 am and we kept in touch throughout the day by texting. By night time I figured he was busy at this concert he was going to and I was tired so I went to bed without calling him. When I woke up Saturday morning I had a message From his best friend telling me to call her. It was an emergency. I did and she said the night prior at the concert he bought a bag of heroin and they got into a really big fight over it at the hotel. She doesn't do that & was mad bc she knew he had been clean for so long. She said that he snorted a line and immediately went into cardiac arrest. His heart stopped for 7 min. They resuscitated him, but he never regained consciousness and had no brain activity. I am completely devastated that I will never see or speak to him again. This feels unreal. He was just here, & now I'll never get a chance to talk to him again. The worst part is that as I'm on the phone speaking to the doctor 6 days later (this past friday)and making plans to go to New York to be with him When they take him off life support, I get a call on my other line letting me know that hes been cheating on me with somebody at his job for months! So hes been telling me that he cannot have sex because of physical issues or mental blocks,( hes used both excuses), but yet he's sleeping with his coworker! I would expect this from somebody that I recently met pissibly, but how can a "friend" of 20 years betray me and use me so bad! The worst part is I can never confront him about it. He passed last Saturday. I still am in shock. It seems surreal that I'll never see him again. Our dog waits for him every night. We are both originally from Fort Lauderdale and all of my best friends are there so I am going through this alone . I don't know how to grieve his loss from a heartace standpoint, & at the same time hate him for what he's done & how he's used me and lied. I don't know what to do or how to think at the moment. All I do is shake and cry. Please help if anyone has advice on how to handle this. Thank you so much if anyone takes the time to read this. I'm so afraid I'll never get over this. I feel so rejected & as though I wasn't pretty enough or good enough in his eyes. It's the worst pain.
@Jenny Leah, My heart goes out to you, that's such an awful situation to go through. I just want you to know &;to continually tell yourseIf that none of this & none of his actions had anything to do with you. You were not the problem & none of this was your fault. It was all the issues he was dealing with in his soul, that came prior to you & or away from you. You are enough, important & you have great value. He was with you because he recognized this. From your description of what transpired it sounds like he was a narcissist & he discarded you, which they all do to whoever they are with. They will even stay with the person they discarded, it's crazy & all their nonsense makes you feel crazy. But, again this is a spiritual & mental health root cause usually from trauma. So it absolutely doesn't have anything to do with you. He would have done the same thing to anyone he was with, including the one (s) he cheated on you with. But, see you were wonderful to him & in his eyes & you loved him well, that's why he chose you & that's why he stayed with you. But, in the end the demons he was fighting got him. I am so sorry for your loss & all this unnecessary trauma you had to go through. But, you are going to get through this & make it through into a beautiful life with the right people & the right man who will love you, respect you & honor you the way you do them & what you most certainly deserve. Also, remember this that, you loved your boyfriend when others didn't & you demonstrated that love to him in big ways that all could see, including God. Nothing of good that you have done will go unnoticed & you will reap a beautiful reward that moth & rust cannot destroy. So when you're sad & thinking those negative thoughts remember this, speak it to yourself because you will survive this, learn & heal. Also, I would seek out professionals to help you process all of this. You can go to the groups that were mentioned here in the video. But, also find a local therapist that does ERMD therapy & that you feel comfortable with. This type of therapy is really good at pulling out trauma & then releasing it. It's even more powerful if you get EMDR from a Christian therapist. Support groups for family members of drug addicts would be super helpful & even a divorce group & a group for losing a spouse. You may find emotionally healthy people to connect with & help support you through this, so you are not feeling so alone & so you have people who may understand what you're going through & develop a support network for yourself. Most importantly please seek God through all of this because truly only Jesus Christ can heal you & make all things new. For it is He that gives beauty for ashes & the oil of joy for your suffering. Plus no one knows better & can relate than Jesus of all you went through. It is Jesus Christ that will turn all of this around for you, teach you & bless you abundantly. It is Jesus Christ that will never leave you nor forsake you & so you will never be alone. I love you my sister & am praying for you & I believe the Lord is already with you & He loves you even more. Christ 'many blessings to you dear one. ✨💖🙏💖✨
Thank you so much for replying. It's so hard to imagine after 21 years of friendship I didn't know this. He moved long after we met to NYC, so most of our friendship was on the phone & online. I guess I believed everything he told me, since I couldn't be there to see it. I guess I loved who he portrayed to be and not who he really was. I just feel so ugly & that is what hurts the most. Like why was she good enough to be with physically but he always had an excuse with me. But regardless, he's now gone. I'll never get closure. I do pray often and I am in therapy. Again, ty for taking the time to reply, it means a lot. So much love and light....
Jenny
I am very sorry for your pain and grief!
Nickals response to you was spot on!
You were/ are pretty and good enough!, The cause of his ED. are most likely do to cross addiction, Sex / Porn addiction. He could have sex with people that didn’t mean anything to him.
His struggles started long, long before he met you.
You were there for him , you are a good person! And he was very fortunate to have you in his life.
He was just too broken. I am very sorry!
May he rest in peace now.
@@Tinasmindfugrowth thank you so much. It definitely helps to hear different people's opinions. I just felt that he wasn't attracted to me, but had it too good to want to leave. Its a daily struggle. Ty again. Xxx
Damn….. I’m so sorry…
I am so glad I stumbled across your video. I can’t tell you how you’ve helped me. Thank you.
My spouse cheated on me and told our 6 year old and 8 year old to keep her relationship with her new friend secret from me. They did for about a year until I found out on my own. Now there are several of her friends that I never want to see again. They knew if the affair and coached her the whole time. Since then she has said things like I hope you die in front of our son. Great mother!
I’m so sorry. This sounds devastating. I do have a co-Ed betrayed partners support group starting in two months that might help you.
Thank you! I'm so in this right now. Am I'm afraid that I will never nit be stuck
Powerful questions for journaling! So much help here! Thank you!
Wow! This helped me so much..thx for sharing this information.
Great stuff. Thanks for sharing.
It’s so hard to stop thinking about the emotional affair that my husband had with one of my best friends a little bit over a year ago. I feel so many different feelings. I also have reason to believe that he had a physical affair even though he hasn’t admitted to me that he has. I want to stop thinking about it, but I can’t. The struggle is real.
Part of your struggle may be because you still have many unanswered questions and concerns. That is why full disclosures are part of betrayal trauma treatment (if the client wants a disclosure). One of the most destructive parts of betrayal is that you were robbed of all the information you needed to make the best decisions for yourself and your family. Your instincts were thrown off while you were trying to make sense of what was happening. Recovery has to include connecting his secretive behaviors with things you were seeing and picking up during that time. I hope you can find peace and that he’s willing to do what it takes to reestablish trust and safety in your relationship.
@@KristinSnowden Thank you so much for your reply. I thought that the reason I couldn’t let it go was the unanswered questions and concerns. Thank you for validating that!
Wow this is all so helpful!!!
10 years after the 4 years of the beginning, our relationship of being cheated on many times one way or the other. My son and I heard him tell 1 of them " hey, I love you!" Which used to be our way of telling each other " I love you". 6 months of marriage counseling at the point of finding out IN DETAIL thanks to a different one texting me EVERYTHING AND EVERYWHERE they did their nasty.
10 years later, I have recently separated and moved away from him for awhile. I had to because even day I think about it, when I look at him I'm reminded. He has worked hard for me to trust him, however... I was triggered 100% and basically had a breakdown. NOW i know what i have, what i can get help for thanks to your videos.....i can get on that path to heal. I've also been in therapy for said 10 years and not 1 Dr. Has broght up this type of trauma. So that right there is just an added level of not trusting.....
Thank you❤
While I’m sad you’ve been through so much, I’m happy you’ve found my content helpful. I hope you find healing.
Thank you so much for this video❤ it's really helping me
Thank you! So glad it’s helpful.
Thanks ❤ this is helpful. I’ve had trouble just recognizing that betrayal did happen and what it means.
My mom died the day after I found out about my husband's affair. I am grieving both losses and don't know which one to focus on first. I did divorce my husband and feel it was the best choice.
Even tho a divorce seemed best I sometimes question my choice and wonder if I should have been more forgiving.
I am so sorry. Such an incredible amount of loss and grief. I'm not sure if you can pick and choose which part of the grief to grieve first or in what order. Grief work is similar to trauma healing in that you have to deal which whichever issues, triggers, pains are coming up in that specific moment....the memories, the regrets, the stories you're telling yourself, feeling their absence, reviewing the loss, reviewing the love/hate/other emotions, accepting it all into your new reality. Personally I enjoyed this podcast on grief, but there are so many more to find and listen to brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/
I am one year and half for separation and five months since I understand he cheated and for three years.
And I am still having emotions all over the place. But I can't figure how to get out of my slump.
My husband of 36 years passed in’22. I did do grief therapy as I learned of his financial betrayal his Madonna complex he did know he had but didn’t disclose. He had a horrific trauma childhood incest and physical abuse so I made excuses for his behavior that got worse in time. I felt by the time he passed we were just in a relationship to keep peace. I always felt he was a honest man other than porn addiction I hated so when I found out he had MWC it was a shock he didn’t go through therapy with me as several times I begged him to do therapy as once we married our sex life became sexless he had done therapy before we married and learned all about his incest and MWC but only told me of his abuse there’s where I’m somewhat stuck in my process
Thanks
That describes me perfectly
Oh my god! The message below sounds like what has happened to me and i am sooo upset, and feel so betrayed. I DONT know what to do or how to feel. I am devastated. I just found out that my husband of 27 years has been carrying on an affair for the past year and a half but I can’t even confront him because he just passed away after having open heart surgery. I learned off his actions after he passed. I was barely dealing with the grief and now to learn this.. I feel even worse and I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse but I was wrong.. I feel 100x worse and can’t even get any understanding from him. What do I do ?
I felt suicidal when he was dying oc cancer and he completely ignored me until he died. He was a covert narcissist...I did all my homework after his death. I am still struggling after 8 years. 5 adult kids that had to process this.
Oh my God.I love her so much but she does not want to me any more.I honour the no contact rule but I feel so sad that I can not to talk to her misconceptions
Ugh I hate this feeling so much and hate him too
Healing from Betrayal has nothing to do with healing from grief. As long as people pay $$$ I guess it doesn't really matter if it actually helps someone. Does it.
Telling others what their feeling is weird.
This is essential Information for anyone healing after betrayal 🙏🤍