Parentified Child - Causes, Effects and Steps to Healing
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 พ.ค. 2021
- The normal role of a parent is to meet your child’s needs and guide their development. When there’s a breakdown in this role, the child is put into an adult-like role of meeting the parents needs. In the literature this has been referred to as boundary dissolution. There is a dissolving of your personal boundaries.
Based on current constructs, here are 6 ways the boundary dissolution can affect the parent-child dyad.
1.Role reversal parentification
2. Role reversal adultification
3. Seductive spousification
4. Hostile spousification
5. Psychological control
6. Emeshment
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Did anyone else’s parents treat you like an adult when you were less then 10 and now that you are older they treat you like a child like your 4 years old?
Omg yes I thought I was the only one.
Adult Child turns into Child Adult.
Oh yes....me too. My mother expected me to be her parent and be adult, do all on my own. But now I must be her little kid at 30.
Yeah. Mines reversed pretty good when she saw she had finally broken my spirit at 14 after a suicide attempt. F**k that. She literally uses the creepiest voice with me now. Acts (and has actually said) that she has to "walk on eggshells" when around me since then. Also around this time she started using my younger brother more as a parent figure. It all culminated in her accusing him of "abusing women" every day when he was a teenager. He never has, fyi, and likely never will. She essentially replaced all the male figures in her life with him, and all the female figures in her life with me. I was her mom/therapist/financial advisor/travel guide at age 3. I can still remember her keeping me up late into the night when I was a toddler telling me about her sexual abuse. She f*ck*d me up and I hate her.
Now that I'm independent of her (I literally left at age 18 immediately asap and flew back to the U.S. to be homeless essentially just to get away) she acts like I'm so lost and afraid and always hurting etc etc always offering a place for me etc. But she barely has enough to take care of herself
My mum was deliberately abusive and neglectful towards me from pretty much the moment I was born. My dad was a good parent but he had to work increasingly hard to protect me from my mother (and this was a focal point of their increasingly failing marriage). I had an older brother but my mother's treatment towards him was completely different (nurturing to the point that he was babied, extreme favouritism, she would also encourage him to behave badly). Then my father suddenly died and I found myself having to look after both my mother and brother; my mother refused to come out of bed most days and wouldn't cook or clean, and my brother just ran wild on the farm like a feral animal (he basically couldn't be depended on to do anything). I stepped very quickly into the role of carer (mother) to both because I thought that I was to blame for my mother not loving me and I hoped that if I helped her to get better, perhaps then at the end of it she would love me (and we would one day enjoy a normal mother-daughter relationship).
Instead what happened was me being subjected to an increasingly emotionally and physically abusive relationship that was at times, downright sadistic. She not only constanly and effectively emotionally manipulated and blackmailed me into feeling sorry for her and looking after her (I feared that she would kill herself if I didn't do more to help her get better, and one time she did almost kill my brother after she contemplated murder suicide), but she was simultaneously terrifying and would met out cruel punishments for the most minor transgressions (or even nothing at all), such as starving me, beating me, name calling me, locking me out of the house and more (she would also encourage my brother to attack me both physically and verbally). She regularly switched between playing the victim and being the abuser (although was often both roles simultaneously).
There were many phases though. Some of the more fucked up phases was a time when she deliberately made me repeatedly ill (using rat poison) so that she could get attention. But when I fell ill out of her control, she refused to get me medical help. When she created illnesses in me, she would often ignore or mess around with doctors advice to stretch out the illness in me as much as possible. I spent a lot of my childhood suffering from (avoidable) malnutrition.
My mother had an unhealthy relationship with my gender and developing sexual presence. She would try to pinch my bum all the time while calling me demeaning names. Puberty was hell and she became obsessed with my periods and shaming me over them. She had no respect for boundaries and would talk about my periods to just about anyone. She kept me ignorant about sexual matters but if men looked my way, she would blame and punish me for it. She would often refuse to buy me sanitary supplies (or if she did, ones which were often very inappropriate). When an old male relative tried to assault me when I was age 11, far from protecting me from him, she forced me to spend even more time with him. It was common for her to put me into situations like this where I was at serious risk of harm (and if anything bad did happen, I would be blamed for it).
From age of 11 onwards I was pretty much abandoned at boarding school (where I was severely bullied) and when I was not at boarding school, I was increasingly fobbed off to just about anyone who would take me (I stayed with some people at times for weeks or months at a time who were virtual strangers). But when I did occasionally have to return home, the treatment at home was increasingly worse (not only the neglect, but her moods were increasingly volatile and when she became angry, she would work herself into literal screaming fit states where she would rant almost incoherently).
But a really weird phase was that in the midst of all this abuse & neglect, not long after I turned 15, she started trying to feed me baby food (those little jars and packets of mush) all the time and buying wildly age inappropriate stuff (for example after "forgetting" my birthday, she got me a cake designed for a 3 year old). She even bought baby clothes. I found it deeply disturbing and when I confronted her about it, she offered to breastfeed me (what in the actual fuck).
By age 16, I failed in a suicide attempt after finishing school. But my rock bottom phase was where I began to rebel and fight back though (so many awful things had occurred over the years, I started giving the finger to pretty much everyone in my life). Rebellion was vital to saving my life. But as the days counted down towards me moving out (I successfully managed to move out of home and begin living independently at age 16), her crazy behaviour certainly didn't lessen or abate; some of the batshit crazy stuff she did was trying to encourage me to marry a 1st cousin, trying to encourage me to get pregnant (in general) and ringing up random coworkers to tell them what a little slut I was (I wasn't and I was a virgin).
So yeah, things were pretty bad growing up.
After I moved out of home, I initially refused to have any contact with my mother (and wondered if I should cut my brother out of my life too because he hadn't been all that great either). But after a period of contact absence, she started trying to blackmail me into contact with her. Eventually I conceded because I hoped that no longer being in an environment under her control, I could perhaps call the shots and demand a more normal/natural mother-daughter relationship (which I still craved). But instead what entailed was years more stress and bullying behaviour from her before I finally pulled the plug on the relationship. A couple of years later I also cut my ties with my brother after he repeatedly showed himself to be little better than her (the apple did not fall far from the tree with him). Ending both relationships was incredibly difficult, but 2 of the best things I ever did for myself.
Looking back now, there is no denying that my childhood and early adult formative experiences have defined me massively. I'm not sure if I can say that anything was to my advantage either, because I not only missed out on so much childhood, love, guidance and normal life experiences (etc), but I have had to fight serious bouts of depression and anxiety throughout my adult years (I also suffered from agoraphobia at one point for a few years). Being somewhat on the spectrum has also made trying to learn about and emulate normal life stuff very challenging. And it sucks, because I don't want to be permanently defined by my childhood forever (I don't want to be this dysfunctional "victim of circumstances" forever, I did not choose this life).
But I am a fighter. And since a bout of suicidal depression (and almost giving up) some years ago, I have been fighting really hard to turn things around for myself. So I quit smoking, lost lots of weight, tackled my agoraphobia, started getting help for my depression & anxiety, began driving lessons, got my licence, applied for college, passed college with flying colours and am now at university (and just any university, its a top world ranking one). Life is still really hard, I suffer from a sense of Imposter Syndrome and I was recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD (therapy of which has been on hold because of the pandemic) and although I have someone who loves and supports me, I have really put them through the mill at times because of my problems (so although there is a lot of love I feel like it's a bit of a miracle that my relationship has survived). I've also lost a lot of remaining family due to deaths, and I have had to deal with plenty of other toxic relationships along the way (and I am currently abstaining from social media for various reasons). But whenever I am feeling down, I simply have to ask myself "So are you going to give up?" and I feel a big resounding feeling of "NO!!" come from deep within me, because I am a fighter (and I will not give up on life until I have truly explored and expired all options!).
Despite coming this far, I still don't know if I am going to make it because the more I have succeeded, the more challenges and greater adversities have arisen (life has basically gotten better and harder in equal measures, and I sometimes feel stretched thin to the point of breaking). For example the recent Complex PTSD diagnosis, the episodes I have experienced have been very challenging to cope with. I also have a lot of unfinished business (some of which will be the most difficult business of all to go through) with people which I know that I should attend once I've gotten past certain steps (pass university, etc). I know I have to keep some things on hold if I'm to cope with life and not let my problems jeopardise and derail all the progress that I have made.
But then I think that life is just like that in general; there are very few clear-cut answers, promises or guarantees in life, so you just have to keep on going (because if you wait for perfect timing, support or guarantees, you could find yourself waiting indefinitely forever). In life you just gotta go for it, make the best of what you have and generate your own luck and opportunities (where circumstances have otherwise denied you of them), whenever you can and as much as you can. You may need to work 4x as hard as some other people to obtain the same things in life (and do it with not half as much family, help or support as those other people have). But if those are the cards that life has dealt you, then just play the damn best game that you can (nothing will be achieved by giving up, and if you fight hard, you can come out on top of even people who initially had much more going for them than you).
Keep fighting and never give up! If you fall down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off & carry on forwards.
Ithink that its very important in life to learn to be your own cheerleader.
“You learned that love means taking care of someone else at the expense of your own needs.” oof this hits hard
😳
Yup.
As a former people pleaser and golden child...ow
😲
Literally every relationship i have been in smh 😩
My mother gave me the responsibilities of an adult but the freedom of a baby.
Same! I'm sorry!
Same
Same
Same.
Same.
It is painful to realise you've lost not just years or decades of childhood but have also been set back mentally. It feels like instead of being raised you were sabotaged. Thank you for sharing how to recover from this.
You’re welcome!
man i feel like i relate to this comment so much..... but anyways proud of you for keep holding on until now ❤️
@@DrTraceyMarks Please make videos on internet addiction. I believe I have internet addiction.
😔😔😔
This! I've often had that, like I was set up for failure feeling...
As far as not being parented with concern for my emotional health, confidence, healthy\appropriate independence... And even basic skills one needs to better function, as an adult.
I was conditioned to put everyone else and their needs above my own..
While, no one in my family ever seemed to put my needs above their own... If that makes sense.
And even now, as I try to talk with my mom about anything important, it's always as if I'm a bother... When I try to bring up how hurtful it is that she can never validate my feelings or traumatic experiences... Then she starts crying and yelling at me that everyone always blames their mother, I wasn't perfect and caused her grief, that I'm being overly dramatic or acting like a lunatic etc (she knows how to set off a meltdown and then uses that as an excuse to ignore what I'm saying because I'm crazy and out of control.)
I'm neurodivergent but went undiagnosed until 40yo!
When I told her that my son's Dr said I present a very strong Asperger's profile, she literally rolled her eyes and sighed at me.
I feel like I was fooled and conditioned into believing I had a great, supportive, loving family..
And they are, as long as you follow their beliefs, ideals, politics, faith etc...
Wow guess I needed to get that out. Thanks to anyone that read this, and I just want to say..
You are an amazing person, that deserves all of the love and good things!
"I'm in a toxic relationship with your father for YOUR sake." Yep, heard that one. Thankfully, that was baggage I refused to carry.
yes, I can relate and it's truly debilitating to hear from one's mother ... ugggh
@Val Grim Good for you. That type of baggage is heavy. No one should have to endure that type of abuse.
Just to be clear: I have sympathy for my mother in this. She had to shoulder A LOT of responsibility in that relationship (essentially, all of it), plus a disgusting amount of out-of-nowhere blame and derision. I get why she was terrified of being discarded and clinging to a fantasy of "that's the best choice there is". And, as I said, I saw through it and didn't personalize. Still a shame though.
I just realized a few days ago that this is something I had done to my children and hadn't ever been able to see that I was any part of the problems that we were all suffering in and when I saw that I hadn't been just a victim and realized I was engaging in abusive behaviour it was so fucking painful because I do love my children so you might imagine living somebody with all your heart and then finding out that the way u expressed your love was in a way that was with mental blows repeatedly. It's such a nauseating realization. Luckily as I was was becoming aware of these nauseatingly painful realizations there was a presence with me that kept me from abusing my inner child with guilt and shame and helped me see what I did and also that I had done these things because of having children not knowing I was a damaged person. I still am a little shocked this was allowed to happen because as I'm finally gaining autonomy I am concious of the fact I had no mental ability to consent just a legal ability based on my age. Anyone who came into contact with me had to be aware that there was something very wrong happening. It's a feeling I get but I could be wrong and that's not to absolved myself from responsibility however it seems a society that values mental health would be actively educating youngsters the difference of being a legal adult and still being a child mentally. I know it m going to make sure it's addressed as I gain stability and healing so that I can hopefully help prevent someone else having to endure the hell of healing from these issues. And also that if me and my behaviours caused so much pain while I don't know if I can ever go back and repair I can at least try my best to help the consiousness and subconsciousness of society learn through the experiences I have had and have caused and the experiences that lead me to that path. It's not to find someone else to blame but to find a way to prevent these sorts of wounds from happening needlessly again.
I heard it in a different, less malicious, but sad form.
My mother truly believed that having an abusive father was better than no father at all.
She was also raised deeply religious, and lost the love of her life and father of her first child to melanoma when my Bubba was 2.
Poor woman went through some serious shit, and sadly was terrified of being alone.
My mom actually yelled at me during a fight one time "why can't you just be my mother?!"....um...you had a mother...why can't you just be mine?
Wow! I'm so sorry that you had to experience that.
Wow that's such a damaging and inappropriate statement. I hope you're healing.
My dad made a move on my girlfriend he got offed and then he smashed the cooking panel so I couldn’t make food for myself then stole my money and spent it on alcohol. And that is not in the top 5 sabotage. I got through it mostly I hope you will too. Trust me its these kind of life situations that make you strong in the end.
Ew
My mom once told me "Call me back when you know what unconditional love is."
I feel like the main reason I don't want to have kids is because I had to basically raise my younger brother. I didn't get to have much of a childhood and I feel like I already had the experience of raising a kid so I don't need or want that.
I feel the same way..
Me too
yea, i know what you mean. I had to raise my mother.
Same here! But I’m healing from that so that I can one day
SAME!!!
My brother has passed away 11 days ago due to cancer at the age of 21 . He was a medical student and a big fan of yours . I remember him spending hours on TH-cam to learn from you . He used to ask you questions and you usually replied to him . He used to come to me with a happy face to show me your replies . We are children of divorce so you have no idea how much your vids always used to help us . Thank you for making his journey of life much better and for teaching him how to be a great psyciatric . I'm a pediatrician and I will continue to watch your vids to learn more inorder to help children and make my brother happy .
RIP Hadi
06 - 05 - 2021
I send my condolences your way 🙏
Sorry for your loss. May he R.I.P.
Sorry for your loss doc. My heart goes out to you, my hippocratic sister ❤
So sorry your brother died so young, unimaginable loss... May God grant you His Shalom peace that surpasses understanding 💞
So very sorry for your loss🙏🏽🙏🏽
The book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was really helpful for me to unpack this dynamic.
Thanks for this recommendation, just placed an order for it. 👍
Yes! I bought the audiobook! It put everything into a deeper perspective. Finally opened my eyes to all the injustices I faced.
I need to read that
Best book ever!
Bookmark 🔖
My mother dragged me into the middle of my parent's relationship when I was a child by telling me about their issues and things that took place before I was born. It was very detrimental to ALL my relationships and caused me to attract narcissistic and unstable women into my life over and over until I realized the issue and decided I was better off alone.
Holy shit! That is exactly how I would describe my mother as well.
I don't know about the future relationships though, cause I am too shit to build them 🤣 Probably hyperbolic.
I have friends. 😅 They are pretty cool! I've had some shit friends too, but I guess everyone has hits and misses.
Just the mother part was scary relatable. I hope you are doing well and are able to feel better about yourself and life. 🖖🙂
@@jediknightnamek typical Indian moms
Good you were able to identify the pattern and put it to a final stop!
Sounds like my mom. I've found the best cure is not to isolate yourself, but to put up and practice and maintain solid healthy boundaries when people are entering our lives, and after they're there as well. It's the first step in self love.
I can totally relate to this. Thank you for sharing.
Does anyone who has been through this stuff feel a sort of ambivalent feeling towards their parent? As in you resent them but also sometimes love them just because they are your parent?
...and anyone else got that sweet, sweet religious/cultural guilt on top of all that? - of how you're supposed to respect, love and care for your parents, and appreciate everything they've done for you - but you just wonder how? And the thought of having kids in the future is terrifying cos you dont want to be the same. yikes, it's so hard realising and working through this stuff :(
Yes this is completely normal after trying to put the pieces back together after find out you and your parent might not have had the most healthiest relationship according to psychology. I often resent my mother for things I haven’t quite figured out yet but at the same time I’m dependent on her, I love her dearly, so it’s hard to swallow both pills at the same time (it’s often a on & off switch for me) & I absolutely have a fear of having children and passing down the many generational curses that’s tied to my maternal bloodline which of one would be role reversal, I know I’m not ready to have children until I can fully address & heal my childhood wounds because if we are not whole vessels it will pour into the innocents.
nah, I'm completely over loving them just for that fact
what I feel is more like a confusing mixture of hatred and pity
and I strive to get to the point where I feel nothing for them, my goal is to be completely apathetic towards their toxicity and how it have damaged me
I'm clearly a long away from getting their
I feel the very same way! Its very confusing!!!
@@matheussanthiago9685
I’m very apathetic at best, angry at worst. But I play damn nice because I don’t want to risk them taking my kids (siblings) away.
I call it the literal LOVE-HATE. A part of me loves my mom and am thankful for a lot she has shown me in life. But the other half of my heart literally wishes she would just die for the stuff she's shown me n put me through
yet another example of what poor parenting results in; adult children having to go back and do the parenting of ourselves... sucks and it hurts like hell...
Parentified as a child then you have to re-parent yourself as an adult. I agree. It's exhausting.
It hurts so bad... But time heals all.
I actually drilled my mum for her actions. I thought I got through to her. Oh no she is still not listening.
I have lost my whole life to this. Couldn't even understand what was wrong with me. Reparenting is tough....There is so much damage done beyond belief...Its like my subconscious was hijacked.
Traffic Jam, you ain't never lied. I don't even tell anyone that this shit is hell sometimes. But that's because I don't like to burden others with my own problems.
My mom told me she was forced to marry my father because they got pregnant with me and it's my fault because their lives were ruined. At 15, years later i finally got the nerve to say how is it my fault that you weren't careful? She couldn't believe what she was hearing 😂 the look on her face - priceless.
Dcurb ✨
Well done standing up to her
Your right they had thr responsibility to have safe sex... Never balme a child for their existence as they didn't ask to be born...
I feel the frustration of being forced to marry and thst was a very VERY big problem decades ago but it is still an issue
I told my mother that after suffering from severe mental issues after being parentified, i wouldn't be mad AT ALL, if she'd support me fighting my depression.
Guess the look on her face.
Now the center of attention is her ending up in mental clinic devouring anti-depressants because of what i said.
priceless.
My mom won't realize she does this even when told directly. It's like anything that contradicts her reality doesn't even enter her psyche.
Cognitive dissonance is a real thing.
Don't know her, but sounds like a narcissistic trait. Narcissists have no self introspection.
My mom too
One day I just couldn’t keep it in I lashed out with “don’t bring me into whatever childhood traumas you three had as kids” I honestly just was tired I go to work and before I can even clock out y’all bringing me some kind of mess constant headaches at this point
oof sounds like a narcissistic parent and if this is the case there is no changing them or helping them unfortunately
Role reverse parentfication/adultification are the perfect termonology for the relationship with my mom. It's at a point where I'm itching to get away. I wish I had the guidance that's supposed to come along with a parent-child relationship. Instead, I'm her part time therapist, her financial advisor, and her second bank account. I feel used. I feel unheard. I've tried to help our relationship but there isn't much I can do with a defensive person who always itches to play victim.
Sometimes the only answer is distance. I bet you will feel better if you're able to put some distance between you. I hope you're able get the peace you need regarding this situation.
@shaVaughn I can relate spot on to what you mentioned about the parentification/adultification relationship with your mom (although for me it was both parents). Especially the part where she gets defensive and plays victim with any & everything. That’s exactly how my mom is. It’s just gotten to the point where the relationship is just tolerable at best & any interaction is limited because I’ve had to set boundaries with her. Also she’s quite self centered so conversations with her are never balanced & she doesn’t care to hear about what you’ve got going on. It’s very tiring trying with a person like that when you’ve done all you can do.
Relate to that as well. Putting distance and limiting communications is the best way to do it. I gradually decreased it from daily calls which were draining me, to only weekend communications (unless there's an emergency). She's muted on my messages too, so it's only phone calls on Saturdays/Sundays
Sorry that so many can relate. Growing up as my mom’s therapist and disposable income has left me feeling lonely and used too. I understand wanting to get away. Sometimes that’s the answer.
Go far away from her. Let her learn to do things on her own.
It's so hard to hear "you're an adult now" after never being a kid. It was never an option without severe consequences. Now I'm 17 going on 18 in April and I feel like I can't comprehend time passing. I was even held out of school to take care of my sisters for years and I wasn't allowed to do school work until all the chores were done. Since they were never done "right" I missed 3 years of school and wasn't allowed to make friends. I don't understand other's lives. I feel so mournful over the years I've lost, I've tried to get over it for years but I can't. I'm so heartbroken. I'm lost.
I had a similar upbringing. We lived in a woman-hating cult, basically, and my sister and I weren’t allowed to do homework until we did tons of cooking and cleaning (often cleaning that didn’t need to be done but was made for us to suffer- like scrubbing the carpet with a scotch pad when we could’ve just vacuumed).
My only hope was to get good grades and escape to college (applied for financial aid) but even in college I felt lost because all that trauma wasn’t healed. It is hard to connect with others in a lighthearted way since my life was so dark. I ended up leaving college early and joining the Army. The camaraderie there honestly helped me a lot to feel more normal and like I belonged. Plus, I had a stable income and food and housing covered for me, so I could experience more stability for the first time. You’re very young, and even though grieving over your lost childhood will probably take a long time, getting excited about your future is better than suffering over the past. Can you apply for financial aid and scholarships to go to college even if your parents won’t support you?
I’m 20 and I be like damn my childhood was never there.
you have the whole world ahead of you, many people dont face these things until theyre much older, in their 30's, 40's, and 50's. Be proud of yourself, believe in yourself, and you can accomplish all you desire and have a happy life! responsibility comes with a crown!
You are still very young in life. It’s so hard that you went through this and my heart reaches out to you. You honestly have your life ahead of you and you’ve realised the issue at an early stage so you can set about getting help and resolving it before it leads to other issues. Truly well done for watching this video and setting yourself on the path of change
My mum used me as what I call a 'captive friend'. She's kind of weak with her social skills and as I got older she started to suddenly like me as a friend and she would talk to me about all kinds of inappropriate things. When I was 12 she told me her boyfriend, who I liked a lot, was raised in state care and sexually abused.... this kind of thing she should have shared with a friend instead of a child. This happened to me constantly from the beginning of adolescence. I'm terrible at having healthy boundaries, people treat me in outrageous ways and their feelings are more important to me than mine are. Essentially it's like everyone treats me like my mother did. I'm starting to realise that I have to intentionally tap into my feelings (which I was constantly told were too sensitive and dramatic) and ask myself if things are ok. If I don't feel good, why? I've realised that my feelings were always real and valid, I was just gaslit for my whole life.
This is my mother right here. Constantly throwing her "sacrifices" she made for us and now we all owe it to her to do everything for her. I was the middle child and only girl, I raised my little brother. I was basically a maid my entire childhood. Needless to say we don't get along.
You just described my entire life.
So sorry to hear that. I'm also Z's mom (twice). Both of my boys have Z names (their two sisters do not).
Same only I took care of my 3 younger siblings while she worked. I remember not being able to get homework done because of dinner dishes or not being able to do girl scouts or sports because I had to be home. Now I'm the ungrateful one. We don't talk much either.
You don’t owe her ANYTHING.
Honey, as someone who raised and is raising their siblings (kids), you don’t owe her a damn thing. I wouldn’t expect mine to feel like they owe me anything, your mother shouldn’t either. Those were sacrifices she chose to make when having you. That’s her duty. And if she loved you half of what I didn’t my siblings, she’d be damn happy to make that sacrifice every day and never mention it.
I was a "smart kid". I had good grades, I was quiet, I was considered intelligent and mature. Growing up with undiagnosed autism was weird since people treated me both like I was a little kid and as if I was a adult. My mother would tell me about her traumas, her relationship with my father, gossip about her friends... And my parents wouldn't censor themselves around me when they'd tell stories that contained things like extreme violence and torture. I can't exactly say that none of that traumatized me. Sometimes hyper-empathy kicked in or it was just too much and I'd yell for them to stop but they'd just call me a wimp for it or similar things. My mother barely knows anything about me. It's not safe for me to confide in her. A whole life, having to just listen and listen to someone's every problem, everything, over and over and over without being able to confide in them about your own problems, so that it felt like their problems were just being fucking piled on top of yours... It must really have messed me up, because now almost every time that someone tries to talk to me about their problems, I get either disproportionately angry or panicked. I remember when I was 16, she was talking about either her issues with her friends or an issue *of* one of her friends and I told her. I said that whatever it was that happened, she should discuss it with other people her age. I said that she should get some more friends her age instead of trying to discuss drama of 50-60 year olds with a 16yo. Apparently I was "silencing" her, and she "can't say anything in this house". What caught me though was she saying to me "Okay then, if can't even talk to you then you can't tell me anything either" in this petty childish tone and like??? That's not the same??? You're my mom???
I know, they dont see how much they overshare.
❤
As someone who doesnt have proper parents, and suffers from clinical depression, this boils my blood to the deepest level and i am rolling my eyes on some who chose to be your parents but making you feel like there is no way out and like you should be grateful for something they chose and had to do
Exactly.
Zw😙💕
@@bribaxterherrick9599 glad i am not the only one thinking that
Facts!🗣
@@leonardogo that's beautiful
My mother was sick and depressed. She relied on me for everything. She was also very verbally abusive.
I am sorry you went through that trauma.
@@urmamasmamasmama thank you
Same here
Hope you are ok now.
Ive been going through this since 2015-current. mom on dialysis and refuses to take her medicine properly so I feel like I have to be here or she'll just let herself die.
"You learn how to attach and feel a bond with someone based on how you attach to your parent."
👍🏽
In my early 20s, I realized that I was dating guys who were too similar to my dad! It was hard to face because I was afraid of my dad.
Wow that's very insightful. This explains why my relationships with the opposite sex were messed up. I didn't have a childhood, I was bullied in school until I graduated, and was repeatedly dumped because I refused to have sex. I finally gave in when I was in my 20s and the guy didn't care that I didn't want to and cried the whole time. He gave me an ultimatum, " we do it or you back to your mother's." And the ironic thing is that they were both the same.
So that is why I don’t feel any attachment to anyone or anything.
I have zero attachment to humans
"Love becomes about meeting someone else's needs."
That one hit me right in the throat.
Having a mother that is an immigrant makes this even more intense.... i cant leave her with all the paperwork alone, grammar is difficult, her language is perfect but she feels insecure and thus i feel like i need to support her through everything
Hit the mark on that one.
Yup. As soon as I learn to write my name and address and phone number in first grade it was my job to do all my school paperwork and forms. She would just put a signature
Same. My Mom isn't an immigrant but she is let's say slow. Like I have to help her do things like set up a bank account, fill out paperwork. I have had to help her with health insurance, find doctors, show her how to login or set up an account on websites. I keep all her passwords and stuff. I call customer service for her. My Mom is like computer illiterate.
@@Crysta1986 The amount of trust they put in us is insane. It’s can be burdensome work but I get the satisfaction of knowing how much my mom appreciates it. Especially when I got to a much better place than she ever could because of the sacrifices she’s done for her kid.
Yup! It’s so frustrating
"Every yes to someone else is a no to yourself in some way" I love the way you explained that 🖤
I’ve felt like an adult since I was 12. After my parents got divorced and my dad left, my mom used me as her part time therapist pretty much. I had to deal with her emotions, my younger siblings’ emotions as well as my own. I had to grow up and mature emotionally/mentally so quickly. My mom has told me every single issue about my parents marriage and every issue she’s had with her other relationships after my dad and I had to be her rock and support her even when I can barely handle my own emotions. Then when I reach out to her for emotional support that I feel like a parent should give, she tells me that my emotions stress her out and she can’t deal with it. I’m used until it’s inconvenient and then I’m a burden. And my dad is simply a narcissistic, unhelpful, absent parent so he is no help either. It’s exhausting and I feel like I don’t even know who I am supposed to be sometimes
So true.
Same
This sounds so familiar
This was a good video! My dad was schizophrenic and a single parent to 4 kids, and I was the child that took care of everyone, so where as a lot of people are very critical of my dad, I'm so happy you acknowledged that problems in proper parent/child relationships isn't always intentional. My dad was a wonderful and loving father but he simply wasn't able to care for the day to day with out assistance.
This is the same exact thing I went through, except it was my mom who is schizophrenic. My mom is also very loving & kind but she basically checked out during my childhood. As a result, I was the parent & my mother was the child. I carried a lot of resentment until I became an adult & realized it wasn’t her fault.
Same here but with my mom..It sounds like my mom had a bit more family support than your dad though
My mom actually died from a heart attack right before my daughter was born and I miss her. She was a very loving person who just needed help.♥️♥️♥️
Well said.
Late reply but same experience. I've never ran into anyone with the same experience. So exhausting.
I’m sure he magically developed schizophrenia after he chose to make 4 (that you know of) kids 🙄
That’s bs. Hold him accountable. He’s schizo, not severely brain damaged.
My parents were wonderful and loving, but when my little brother was born money was so tight that they were constantly working, constantly exhausted, constantly stressed out. My mom had health issues on top of that, and this stupid country made it impossible for her to get the treatment she needed. And so it was my job to care for my little brother -- both in terms of babysitting him and in terms of shielding him from some of the less pleasant things our family was going through. I love my little brother and I definitely gained a lot of valuable skills at this time in my life, but looking back, I missed out on a huge chunk of my childhood and adolescence. It also kind of taught me to see myself as only a caregiver for other people, not as someone who has dreams and ambitions and wants and needs of my own. I'm still trying to unlearn that mindset.
I'm so glad a medical doctor finally explained what it means to "get in touch with your inner child" in a clear, clinical psychological manner.
Up until now, I always rolled my eyes into my skull whenever I heard a TH-cam wannabe-coach preach about speaking to your inner child and telling him/her you love it 🤣
Thanks Dr. Tracey!
@Adnan Sawaf actually, there's a good therapist here on YT that talks more about childhood trauma and inner child. I can't stop watching his videos again and again to fully understand. His name is Patrick Teahan. Check him out.
Crappy Childhood Fairy is not a psychologist/psychiatrist but her technique helps me to be kind to myself before I can understand the clinicians help. Sometimes non therapist can help better
To whom ever is reading, thank you for all your hard work in this life, thank you for taking care of those who needed you . Now take care of the inner you
Wow. Thank you so much for this. Your words actually brought me to tears... I feel like a huge burden has slipped off of me. Even though I know that those who used me to be their caretaker will probably never understand my sacrifices, after reading your comment I feel truly seen and appreciated. Thank you.
I would love to see a video about handling a very defensive parent who can’t take criticism at all. Everything about our now adult-adult relationship seems normal, except for the fact that if I kindly mention the smallest thing in a constructive way (ex: something they said came across poorly and I ask if they’re aware) they will not have any of it. They always say how good I am at confronting people in kindness (which I know I am apart from them saying so) but they are completely unwilling to receive anything directed at them whatsoever. This happens not only with me, but with anyone else who tries to nudge them in any direction. I know it’s not my problem to fix, but I also don’t think I just need to never confront them about anything because that seems like cow-towing. I’m not even a very confrontational person most of the time...is that the problem? They except me to only be there to support everything they do or say and don’t want to accept that I may be in their life to call them out (again, kindly) on any level of BS or offer a different perspective?
Oh my gosh BOTH of my parents are like this to an extent.
My mom cannot be criticized or even lightly disagreed with. She takes it as an attack and gets upset.
My Dad loves to blame people for anything that goes wrong. Nothing is worse to him then not having anyone to blame but himself. It doesn't matter how superficially you or anyone else is involved with something that goes wrong, he will perform extrodinary mental gymnastics to put all the blame on you.
I feel this. My mother is also a lawyer, could never take fault for anything. I know she has a lot of her own trauma that she just covers up with a performance like personality. So the only way I get a more authentic version of her is to be confrontational. And as a red head with an Aries moon I sometimes enjoy giving her grief for shit. lol Shes gotten better in our later years on taking owenership of faults but only because her third husband is a behavior psychologist. She still hella defensive over everything. small steps.
I really needed this 😢 I hate myself. I hate my mom for not protecting us and making me feel responsible for her problems. She’s a horrible parent.
Please listen to Dr when she speaks at 8:20. Acceptance and understanding is needed to help you. You cannot shame and guilt your mother, and expect she understand your pain. Learn from her mistakes, and judge yourself accordingly. Not her, who does not realize she is flawed
It's ok to mourn for the childhood you didn't have
Many parents made mistakes I'm a product of teen parents, from learning about their upbringing it helped me understand and I finally forgave both of them...i took control of my life and worked on all the things they did wrong! Now I am married and with child I'm so happy and blessed I did the work and God helped soften my heart towards my parents resulting in freeing me ❤ you can do the same but holding hate for her only keeps you in bondage my love.
@@TheHumbleEra excellent comment ❤
I felt this! Sending you strength & love💗
Oh wow I'm 39 years old, and I still deal with some of these things. Everything was so messed up growing up, and I hate that everyone is dependent upon me.
This is my mother she constantly reminded me how she made sacrifices for us , always saying she stay with our father ( they are in a toxic and dysfunctional marriage) because of us ... I used to fell guilty before not anymore now start to learn how to love myself and put my needs first.
I was actually “parentified” as a child not by own parents, but by a caretaker I had (because my parents worked long hours). This person was paid to watch several children, but made me watch them and help with their homework, etc (before taking care of my needs) instead. I’m glad it wasn’t 24/7, but it was for several hours, every afternoon, at least 5 days a week, for years. I hated the situation and never knew who’s to refer to that situation, especially since it wasn’t my actual parents.
Damn. I got spousification from my mom and adultification from my dad. They messed me up pretty good and i’m so scared to have kids.
My dad once told me “i don’t want to be your dad. i want to be your friend.” hadn’t seen him in three weeks.
Agh, my dad has said many times, including infront of his therapist, that "we're more like a husband and wife" and I'd be like "no that's unhealthy and makes me uncomfortable"
Sorry you dealt with that stuff man, it's all really messed up and hopefully learning can help future generations of kids develop healthier patterns
Try to get therapy or read self help books to heal.
@@Mf7d89 Been in therapy for about a year and a half and working through an inner child book. Still a lot of work to do!
Wow. The things parents say to us adult children is just mind- boggling.
Me too. But spousification from dad and adultification (and parentification) from mom. I do wonder if this comes in pairs... Perhaps not always, but it did for our fam.
So glad Élodie finally managed to escape the Entity’s realm 🙏
LOL
LMAOO
This video is right on time. I’ve told my mom on so many occasions that my brother is not her boyfriend. People think it’s so weird to say that, but I’m glad it’s an actual thing.
I feel as tho my mom has done this to me. She isn’t controlling, no sexual intimacy. But when I was around 13 I was finally no longer the only child to my single mother. My mother gave birth to my sister. As I got older I wasn’t scolded for spanking my sister when she needed it, I picked up my sister when she was in daycare. It even made me start to think I was her mother in a small way. Now, when I come home, my mom complains to me that she wants to get her Christmas decorations down. In retrospect, if I don’t do this for her she will get upset that I didn’t pick up on this. She didn’t ask me to do this, but if I didn’t I would have been made out to be the bad guy because I didn’t read her mind. She never asks me to do things, she just brings up things she would like to have done in conversation. Then she lays on the guilt that I ask her to do the things I ask of her but i don’t do the things for her. But she never asked. She expects me to do it without her asking. Which I found to be unfair.
I know!! I hate my mom expects everyone to read her mind.
"Accept the fact that you are raised by a flawed individual just that you are flawed" perfectly put👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Excell past your parents and stop placing blame ....
It’s really what I’ve done to raise my siblings. Wanted to raise them the best way I can, so researched and applied common sense.
This helps a lot especially if you grew up in a culture where it is mom can do no wrong evan if she passes what looks like abuse
I was a parentified child. My mother does that. When I rebeled, I'm the eldest child, she took my sister for a short period and later she created a seductive spousification with my brother. And that still continues. He cannot have a real relationship because my mother is always there in the middle. My father treated me as a hostile spousification. He was really mean to me. The truth is both of them had very difficult childhoods and their bond is strong, now more than ever after living together for 50 years. They got married when they were 18 but they were in a relationship since they were 12. They have all these problems and we had to cope with them. I thought I was the most damaged by these dynamics, but now I see my brother and sister struggle with their own issues. I've tried so hard to be different with my own children. They are all adults. Young adults and they're still studying. But I'm trying to encourage them to be independant and to be self reliant. However, I'm always afraid of those unconcious dynamics we may provoke. This has been so enligting and touching. Thank you.
I chose to love that other flawed person. However, I forgave and got past anger way too young - age 12. I'd listened to her stories and understood why she was the way she was (she seemed to think the stories were funny and I was left thinking my grandmother was a monster). This was an overload of compassion on my part, and it got in the way of my developing the boundaries I needed in adult intimate relationships. Understanding why people are the way they are doesn't mean we should accept their behavior. Adult relationships ARE CONDITIONAL - they need to be conditioned on appropriate non-toxic behavior. We do no one a favour by tolerating toxic behavior. That was a hard lesson learned.
Hope I'm not over-sharing, but this really validates my experience and it's so interesting. I've been telling my therapist "I think my mom expects me to be her husband" for the past few months. She gets mad at me when I fail at something or when she feels alone and I can't fix it. She started going on long rants to me about my dad and commiserating about his behavior when I was about 10 and I remember it made me feel important because I was helping her by listening and it became how we bonded. I have developed a habit of complaining and have trouble with maintaining stable relationships; my family dynamic still makes things difficult for me as I can't afford to move out yet; and even though I felt very mature as a child; I'm now having an extremely difficult time becoming an independent adult because I still haven't mastered discipline, finances, self soothing, and self care. I'm doing really well and I'm proud of myself, and there's definitely a light at the end of the tunnel now, but WOW did this video help me feel understood. My mom used to be the "safe" and loving parent and my dad was the jerk; it wasn't until a few years after my brother developed extreme OCD and panic disorder that I began to notice that my mom's behavior began to grow hostile towards me when I couldn't support her due to my own mental health. I became the person she randomly blows up at for no reason; even though my dad and brother are very confrontational towards her and I'm quite calm. I've become the family scapegoat; I'm the child who looked like she had everything going for her and the one who was supposed to be able to get on with my life, but now I'm struggling with adulthood and everyone in the house resents me for it. I'm finally beginning to heal and I'm learning how to manage things more positively; but I find this dynamic so interesting because it's helping me understand the guilt I feel about being so mature as a child and yet struggling to take on adult roles to help myself.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
It's also important to note the response you may get from your caretakers as a result of you setting boundaries. I set a firm boundary with my parents to completely prioritizing myself first, and emotionally detaching myself from their needs. Being called selfish is something I hear a lot these days, but prioritizing yourself as a grown person when you weren't provided that as a child is not selfish!
God this hit home. 💔💔💔💔 Dealing with my inner child was so scary n I didnt realize how much I didnt feel protected, heard or seen. I watch alot of shows n movies that showed mother daughter and/or father daughter relationships that I wish I had. I felt so pathetic until I spoke to my therapist about it. Its hard to be completely honest & vulnerable with your therapist but to obtain proper healing. PLEASE DO SO ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Prayers for everyone's journey!!
I really like that this video offers an advice and not only decribes the ways and reasons I'm "broken".
I have actually been trying to prioritize my needs, "parent myself" for some time and I see results: I'm way less anxious, worried, not feeling so empty, closer to feeling content and present, more productive, social, open to new things ...so i would say that this advice really works, even if you feel selfish for giving yourself more than you've been used to at first
This is such a great video. My youngest had not learned boundaries and it became difficult for her in preschool. She had to learn not to overstep another child's bubble (space). It was very heart wrenching teaching her because she thought she was being rejected. She was meshed with me because she saw me fall when I tore my ACL. She became like a protective , anxious parent. No matter how many times I tried to encourage her to go play, do school work, and not worry, she was not able to separate from me and go to school like a normal kid. She kept worrying that something bad would happen to me. She has been in therapy since and is almost an adult. And now she is no longer empathetic.. I don't know what went wrong. This is a serious topic and I would definitely like to know more about this transition..
Once again, this is a great video and topic.
Since middle school, every choice I’ve made has been for my mother, to make her happy. My college major, job in the military, social life. 15 years later I’m trying to recover those lost decisions.
Dr. Tracy, thank you for this video. So many points really hit home. My mother had me at 17 and by the time I was 12, she treated me as a friend. No boundaries, her telling me too many details about ALL her problems. As I got older and started working she started making me feel like I owed her for taking care of me as a child and helping me a little during my college years. Now I am 41 and I feel like I have become the parent in so many ways, especially after her 3rd divorce. I have realized she is a very emotionally immature and dependent person, always needs to have a partner to feel financially and emotionally secure. So many things have happened during the last 10 yrs that have made me feel like I love my mother, but I do not like her. If she wasn't my mother, I would not want anything to do with her. This relationship has caused me so much anxiety, depression, and feelings of guilt for having my own stable family. It's been a challenge but I am breaking the cycle of my dysfunctional childhood for my children, I don't want them to feel what I feel. 💔
i was just talking about this with my psychologist yesterday, she told me "it's a good thing your siblings have you as their motherly figure but you've been like this since you're 12 and that's not a role a child should have to fulfill" it just stuck with me the time my mom thanking me when i was a child for "raising" her kids, i felt so good when i heard that as a kid, i didn't realize it was wrong
I wish I could talk to my mom about parenting. I've chosen to do things differently and when I discuss why she takes it as, "you think I was just a horrible parent..." She did the best she could and I understand that. I just want to do the best I can.
Appreciate that, because of her own issues, her best was still shit and you're allowed to be upset about it. The problems of adults will never be an excuse for making children be the adults in the room. Your experience is valid.
Yup. Definitely had lost childhood. Because of this, I started regressing a little over two years ago. People don't understand it because it isn't talked about much, but it's a real coping mechanism. It's hard to explain but it helps me live out those years I lost in the way I was supposed to live them.
Is that you and your kiddie in the thumbnail?? So cute! Lol
Thanks. I’m glad he agreed to do it. I had to wait forever for him to finish his hair though....😀
@@DrTraceyMarks that's you and your kid? That's adorable 😍 he's a trooper.
Thank you so much dr Tracey, you don't know how much this means to me. When you started speaking about the parental role reversal, it felt like you were describing the story of my life. I always say yes to anything people want from me at the expense of my time money and emotional well being, but when they don't like me and act like strangers, it really hurts me. It's like I'm ready to go to great lengths for someone who I barely know to feel accepted and recognised. I never take the initiative to anything and always have trouble with confidence in my decisions. I'm really submissive and I don't stand up for myself. I let people treat me however they want. I feel as if I lack a sense of being/individuality.
I have forgiven my mom, she did her best in those circumstances and I do recognise that it's not my fault that I'm like this. I have made an appointment with a therapist and I'm looking forward to bettering my mental health.
I just wanna thank you again for what you did because it truly shows that you care about people and are doing this from the good of your heart. Thanks for doing god's work ❤️
You’re SO welcome. Thank YOU for requesting this and putting yourself out there as an example. I wish you all the best in your therapy. 😊❤️
I feel like you just described my relationship with my mother icy, I could have written this post word for word. I was never aware until a year ago that I hold so much anger just in my day to day life because I'm such a push over. But I know I needed that skill to protect me from criticism and guilt when I was young. And I'm happy my burden is learning to receive from others and myself, arguably easier than being naturally selfish and needing to force myself to give. I have been taking very small steps to set boundaries. Even if it does take me a few hours of feeling sad and angry to work up the courage to do it, I feel so much better after. We can teach ourselves that we deserve and are entitled to our own gifts, property, bodies, time, emotions, and money. More than anyone else. My mum used to tell me "you're so selfish" and "everything's always about you", she said the latter shortly after I was hospitalised. In reality, nothing was ever about me. I remember force feeding her water at times where she was so drunk she couldn't stand, listening to her breathing to make sure she wouldn't asphyxiate when I was younger than ten. I remember waking her up at the wheel when she was so tired she crossed the midline. My mum grew up in an extremely violent home and this made me wonder whether she took care of my nan just the same. I love my mum but I set firm boundaries with her now and tell her how she may and may not speak to my ass because having me in your life is a privilege and you will treat it as such. Last year my mum said some homophobic comments about me and I told her that if she ever treats me like that in the future I won't be present for it. I left her without a reply a few months and it was so effective. I wish you all the best icy and I hope your therapy journey travels well xxx
@@16mockingbirds it's feels so good to know that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm pretty young so I can't really do much but I'm trying to study to go to Germany and become a doctor, quite possibly a psychiatrist. I've never been in my own physically but mentally and emotionally, I've always been alone and it took me a while to realise that. I haven't come out to her yet, idk how she will react to it. She's always talking about me having children and my wedding and all that stuff but it just makes me feel so guilty for being the way that I am.
If you ever wanna talk, you can dm me on insta, my account is @o_nika_ari_world ❤️
I felt this comment, Icy! You basically described me.
My mom was severely depressed to the point that there was a role reversal. I don't blame my mom for it, and she even had acknowledged that this happened and felt a lot of guilt for it. At the time, she was so paranoid and depressed that she didn't leave her bed for two years.
that sucks, I can really understand you
So whats it called when your parent expects you to mother your siblings? Like your mom raised you alright but now she expects you to raise the younger kid(s) and so you're forced to take on a parental role with siblings
19 kids & counting? I'm not kidding. One of the most disturbing things I've seen promoted on TV.
This was my reality... I thought this was the video that will address it because I am still struggling at times.
It's weird when your parents say they love you but are totally inconsiderate of how their actions affect you and your life. They decided to have more kids than they could care for so they took your adolescence from you so you could take on their responsibilities.
Not necessarily younger siblings. I'm the younger siblings but had to take care of my older brother after our parents divorced and my mother was working. Most times it's the other way around but often younger females will take over a mother's role and take care of the household
She briefly talks about that at 3:52
This video explains so much. I had to give up my childhood, and times I tried setting up boundaries. I was always deemed to be the selfish brat. I still wish I could help my brothers from my parents toxic ways.
I feel like leaving them there, knowing how toxic they are is like leaving a child with his abusive father. The guilt and concern knots my stomach every time
Back story: I had to play this role, and be a financial clutch for my parents. Pulling loans out from school to save our family from being homeless because they couldn’t make ends meet.
I had asked for help to pay off my school loan, my mother refused to acknowledge that she owed me. So my brothers are all coming to age. I know she will pull cards from them even without permission
This comment section was such a place of healing for me. I've always felt alone and it would be so awkward for me to spend time with normal families because I wanted that but it was a constant reminder of what I had to go home to. At 17 I felt like I had to escape as soon as possible. But I left home damaged for sure. Now I'm trying to figure out the balance between keeping my mom as far as away as possible, and having a mom figure because I'm an only child with a single parent and not affiliated with other members of my family (she moved us away from everyone at the peak of my childhood). Hoping everyone is getting some healing from this.
"every yes to someone else is a no to yourself in some way". Wow!! I wish I had integrated that statement decades ago. It would have saved me years of pain and abuse.
Thank you doctor!
My mother used to call this, "Treating [me] like an adult."
Wish I could have been aware of this 30+ years ago. Once again, God bless you for all that you do for us.
My mother often treated me like a friend instead of a child, and I always used to think this was a good thing. But now that you've brought up adultification in a more critical context, I'm beginning to wonder if it was toxic, and I just didn't notice at first because it felt good, in the moment, to be treated like an adult. Perhaps that's why it's taken me so long to learn not to take myself seriously all the time.
I have have been waiting for this ... parent treating you like a friend - more like needed to parent my parent (my mother) - from such a young age (just learning to talk, too young to remember THIS - my older sister told me in my 40s) - aware of this role as a child - my mother wanted to "parent" me in my 20s - umm bit late for that - I forgave her long ago - though even in her 80s I still need to comfort & calm her - that my "role" in my family - (again, since - well *forever* - ) my dad WAS a proper parent, but he had a sleep disorder so grew up watching him, so he wouldnt feel asleep at the wheel etc - so many ways had to be an adult, or at least a responsible person, since I was a kid
Well, i will never forgive my family tho
i'm brave as hell for watching this near my dad 😎😎
edit: if it isn't obvious, he puts me in the parental role, thanks for this video!
I hope he takes this seriously and makes changes in the parent child dynamic
@@TheQueenIsWithin yeah... im planning to talk to him about it soon, so hopefully🤞🤞
I love learning about this stuff from Dr. Marks. She is so wonderfully matter of fact and non judgemental, I would imagine that it would make asking for help a lot easier for people who need it. Thank you for all that you do Dr. Marks. I am constantly amazed by your brilliant insights and endless compassion.
Unrelated, but your username and profile pic made me smile lol
My mother always seems on edge. Every little thing explodes her. I remember when I used to use her towel when I couldnt find mine after taking a bath, she would yell how I wasnt worth anything, to die, that I shouldnt have been born lol. It was an insane household and childhood.
The worst part was witnessing my little sister grow old "enough" to also become a viticm and punch bag for her. It was gut wrenching. All I would hear from her, when she was only 6, "Mommy doesn't love me." And "Mommy is mean to me." While she cried her heart out.
It was exhausting to play a mother role to her. I never see anyone talk about this, but I would almost treat her how mom treated me. It was painful, it was if I couldnt help myself. She was defenseless to me as much as I was to mom.
Could you do a video on self parenting or building self esteem?
Both my parents suffered from mental illness and I absolutely had to take care of everything or life would be worse than it already was
Dr.Marks is awesome...She's explaining in layman's terms about our mental & emotional health.👍👩
She is an incredible lady and her videos are amazing.
What’s eating Gilbert Grape is one example of parentified
My mother had a hands off approach of trusting me to know my boundaries-she was so well intentioned, but this approach made me have to set my own boundaries and watch out for myself-it made me feel very lost and stressed, like she wouldn’t be there to set normal societal boundaries so I had to figure them out-
It seems so hard to parent these days. You can easily over-parent or under-parent. I think parents must deal with their issues before being parents so they have a great chance at maybe getting it right.
Wow this hit home, my sister is always guilting me into doing things to make my dad happy when I just want to start my own life. We didn’t have the normal family structure so I just have no clue what that looks like
Wow to learn about this feels like clarity. Growing up my mom was mentally ill, depressed and suicidal. She and my stepfather constantly fought with eachother violently which I had to step into and try to stop myself. I always had to comfort my mom, wipe her tears, be her friend and counselor, give advice and protect her.
At 15 my mom took her own life. I think that this was eye opening to learn about... I know healing is the next step
I am sorry for your losses.
Devastating and tragic.
“Healing is intentional and a lot of work.”
This video is my entire life. I’m so triggered. I’m working towards healing. Thank you for this video. ❤️🩹
5:40
"Shame makes you feel flawed.
Guilt makes you feel responsible for wrongdoing."
I lived something similar. After my parents divorce my mom lost control. I was 11 and was in charge of cleaningtge house, taking care of the trash, paying taxes and bills, going to the grocery, cooking and even had to listen to all her complaining about my dad and the guys she was going out with. I was the preteen but my mom was the actual teenager
I have such anger and resentment with my mother sometimes I can't even be with her more than 1 day
I think I may have this issue because I remember telling my mom about a job opportunity I had and the potential income and she said outta no where I should give her 300$ a week just because she’s my mom and I’m like 🤨whaaaat it’s her feeling obligated for me.😬
Eff that noise! I am super private about my finances, even with my parents ( especially my Dad) because of that.
I could never put into words my upbringing and this hit hard. Thank you Tracey. You are helping me heal from my childhood.
I used to think that me being very responsable and independant as a kid and teen was a wonderful thing then adulthood hit me hard and l realized that l was just neglected and pretty much just raised myself while also supporting my depressed mother, trying to catch the attention of my unavailable father and failing to protect myself from the psychological torture of my stepmother who didn't like me at the time.
Story of my life. I became like a mother at 7. I take too much responsibility for anyone else. After getting divorced I'm scared to put myself into another codependency role. I felt like I was being sucked dry and slowly dying. The more I work on myself, the more I see others don't. I'm just leaning towards staying single 🤦🏽♀️ Good luck yall. This has really done a job on romantic relationships for me
thanks dr. marks. this video was a long time coming for me and i cried during it because it brought up a lot of repressed feelings that i honestly didnt want to come up regarding how i was raised. i suffered from parentification at a young age and have experienced a lack of control around my emotions and difficulty setting boundaries and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. all of this painfully came up during this video but its relieving to finally feel these tears with a knowledge of where they are coming from so thanks very much the insight
Hi Shaun. Having those emotions rise to the surface is a good thing in this case. Now the healing can begin. Here’s a virtual hug 🫂 I wish you the best.
Emeshment - thank you. I never had a word to describe my father's method of "teaching" me his thoughts and opinions as facts for roughly 5 hours each day up until I started driving. Even then, I didnt start having my own thoughts and opinions until I was about 25.
I'm so glad you talked about this. I didn't know there was understanding and theory of this... It's been my life struggle.
Im in my 20s... I was born with a disabled twin. A dad who abandoned us in childhood. Our single mother raised us going from our exhausted self reliant mother to our exhausted overworked father. She was our dad. Our mom was checked out. I felt like I was my sister's mom, while we both lacked a mom and a dad, yet having an angry mother who acted like a mean father. I navigated my entire childhood and teenage years becoming whatever people around me wanted me to be, and trying to never upset my mother... I knew I had no self at all. At 15 I was suicidal. At 16 I was coping with self harm and toxic relationships. I was empty emotionally and suffering with that very young. I lived to please, serve, and care for others at the expense of my self, my future, my resources. I've lost everything just to live for my family. And I love them. But I'll never know if what I did was worth it. All while feeling like I was not taken care of by anyone. Except for someone who did help me... Yet I paid the price of being an object of sexual abuse to receive the emotional and physical stability I needed to survive. And now I live with a good family and I'm happy with someone... And I'm slowly losing my family. It's bittersweet. And I'm still figuring myself out after all those years of being an emotional tank for others. I'm just now finding myself.
I'm in my 30s. Started a therapy lately and I was told that I did not have life. Why I'm feeling tired just now? Cause the bucket is full now and I can't put anymore inside it.
Step away from any negativity even if it's the very loved one. You will suffer in the beginning, but you will be OK. What you played was never your role and you can't be blamed for not playing it.
STEP AWAY
Wow. I just started therapy and our next session we’ll be diving into my parental dynamic. I never knew the terminology of “parentification and adultification” these terms are exactly the kind of childhood I had as a child bc I was the most “mature” of my four siblings. It’s interesting to hear the description of these things and start to understand how it may have effected the way I view my relationships. Thanks for sharing Queen 🙌🏾❤️
I have always just been so focused on making sure my mom was ok and my older sister took the brunt of it practically raising me, my younger sister, and my three younger brothers. My mother for the first 3 kids was ok in the beginning but then grew sick when she had her fourth child and my only younger sister. I learned how to take care of a sick momma at a very young age. My mom has actually just recently told me stories of how she would turn on the t.v. for us as kids when she was in pain and go into the other room when she was passing a kidney stone. She told me she would roll around on the floor in agony and probably should have gone to the hospital, but there was no one to watch us. She told me that had happened multiple times. Then later she began to take a medicine that changed her mood and she began to become mildly abusive. I don't remember those times as much as my older sister. She said my mom would occasionally hit her when she lost her temper and a lot of times my sister would send me out of the room to protect me. My dad was at work and wasn't at home to see the symptoms of the medicine until much later. We eventually overcame that. My mother wasn't bad by nature.....she is tormented to this day by her behaviour. After that she actually gave birth to twins, my two youngest brothers, and her health declined even further. She was no longer able to fix us meals, and we were dirt poor. I still remember my dad working 3 jobs and my mom scraping up change to buy us either a pizza or milk. Something we could get easily because she was in so much pain. The house was let go and became a disaster zone. My mom was unable to properly watch the two youngest and they managed to go out and play in my dads trunk one day.......someone called the police. Social services came and my parents got the help they should have gotten a LOT sooner and so we managed to stay with our parents. My mother was still sick but she now knew not to eat gluten, soy, or msg. And so she got a little better. She was mostly dealing with severe depression and the toll of having six vaginal births on her body. Later we found out that her entire pelvic floor had collapsed and she would need to have surgery, that was actually more recently. She is doing so much better now, but is unfortunately raising her grandchild because her 19 year old son knocked up an 18 year old girl in quarantine and decided to marry her. Their child and my niece is the best part about them. They struggle with addiction, stupidity, and inexperience. Not to mention my new sister in law has serious pre-existing health issues that make taking care of her child difficult. So my mother doesn't have guardianship but is most definitely raising her grandchild. The house is still a wreck to some extent, but it is no where near, nor will it ever be near as bad as it was when I was a child. Ankle deep in trash and muck (which isn't very much for a toddler) but is still quite a bit. I am so glad that I have overcome and pushed through, and I have no problem being called grandma or the mom of the group. I already have my grandma name picked out and I wish it wasn't weird for 21 year old women to hand out candy to kids (I love children so much!!!!). My friends actually tease my for using a phone calendar and having a wallet phone case. 😂 I thank the good lord every day for his blessing and for helping me overcome my circumstances.
I have experienced being treated like a spouse instead of a child. It is overwhelming. It made it difficult to build with my own partner. I had to totally back away and withdraw. It seems to have helped my parent realize that I will no longer accept the behavior.
idk how the youtube algorithm found out i was a parentified child but great video! thankfully i already could talk to a therapist about it but i do still need to tell myself again and again to say no to people, i always feel guilty for putting myself before others.
I will always be here for you hilarious thumbnails!!!
Dr. Marks, I want to personally thank you for putting these videos out instead of lurking the comments and liking others experiences.
You have helped me realize just how much my boundaries were violated growing up, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. A good lot of the time I needed support I was told only to "man up" and that I should be able to handle it and grew up fragile in my needs when they wouldnt emotionally provide but rely on me for their own needs. This has unfortunately explained one of my positive traits which is to give gifts and support to others because of how it felt to not have that support personally and that I'd rather help people than tear them down.
Ive been personally having troubles being fair to myself due to how unfair they could be to my needs and instead making demands to just "be better" while giving no good examples of their own while they would fight on the daily. It was common to be hostilely spousified (a popular example would be when my mother figure would claim the kid's as dad's when we disappointed her as she would treat us as good for nothings) and reverse adultified (to which they'd remark about how mature I was during my childhood) until emeshment could be my only option to get any acceptance in the household. I had to hide that I was a queer trans woman because of how often my mother figure (whom Ive come to call Egg Donor) would villify queer people because she was jealous of my lesbian aunt and her success.
Sincerely. Thank you. I have a long journey of healing ahead of me and I can only hope to do better than the examples I grew up with.
To the person who asked this question, you’ll receive all the abundance this realm has to offer. I feel you 😪
I'm a children of a divorcee...
My parents divorced...
And both remarried...
I have 2 mothers and 2 fathers.
One birth mom and one stepmom...
One birth father and one stepfather...
Which makes me have 2 parents...
I received love and hate from them...
I got stuck in between...
I'm confused...
But still...
I'm living in a blessed life...
They didn't neglect and disown us...
My mom considered me as emotionless. My heart is very hard solid rock. That's what my mom describe me.
My friends too described me like that...
My friends got shocked after hearing my story...cuz they always see me like nothing serious happened to me.
They would think..."If I were you I would suícide","If I were you I would run away from home","If I were you I would do anything to stop this".
And they asked me this.
"How are you feeling?"
My answer: Those are none of my business. I just don't care. They're adult,I'm sure they will do the right decisions and I'll just pray to GOD hoping that I would have a better life after this ruckus.
THE ALMIGHTY GOD answered my prayer
My friend asked me again.
"Are you happy?"
Me: Eh...NO,just neutral and I got what I want to do for living.
Them: You're definitely emotionless. We guaranteed you'll never get married for being like this.
Me: Who are you to define my future?
Them: umm...well...ugh never mind
Me: Mind your own business.
Them: Umm...hey...How is it going with your relationship with stepmom?
Me: We're fine...And I can ask her anything that I wanted. She's really fun though.
Them: How about your stepdad? Is he being good to you?
Me: He's a cool old man...He bought anything that I never get when I asked my dad. I asked my dad Huion something like that...It's very expensive though...
( For example...I got wacom drawing tablet WacomOne pen display something like that since I love drawing)
He's the best to be honest.
Them: You're so lucky though... If other people parents were divorced...their children live miserable somehow. Some got neglected, some live in orphanage,some run away from home,some suícide...Some got lucky...like you live to the fullest. And a real materialistic....
Me: Umm...thanks?
Them: How come you're so calm...facing such thing?
Me: As you guys said I'm a heartless being. So,I feel nothing😑.
Them: Definitely as a rock in a pastlife🙄
Me: Ok...
End of stupid conversation with dumb friends or just classmates
Edit: My english somehow broken...So there might be misuderstanding happened. Sorry~
3:37 I had to take a pause right here to take that in.
You're right--holy shit.
4:57 WOW and my mother wondered why I had a hard time relating to other kids and still don't feel connected to my peers now.
Thank you for this.
Single parent and only child home here since forever. To this day I oddly feel I had a big hand in helping raise myself while still taking care of my parent at home, I was a well domesticated child, mini housewife you can say lol the dynamic between a single parent and their only child is hard to explain...if you know you know
Yep 🙋🏽♀️
This is a very eye opening and validating video and I think more people should see this. My mom went through this with her parents, and she did everything she could to treat me and my sister differently from how she was. For a while after my parents separated, I had to play second parent to my sister (I really didn’t mind bc my father leaving hurt my mom and sister the most at the time) I wanted to help my mom, she didn’t ask me to. I was in middle school. However when I got into high school and wanted more time for myself , she tried to flip the script and MAKE me responsible for my sister. It was awful. Now I’m glad my mom and me have come to a understanding that that wasn’t okay then, we’re all very close still.
I'm an adult-child who grew up with a borderline father. Thanks for making this video, Dr. Tracey! Love your channel.
This is one of the most important videos I've seen on TH-cam. Thank you. Love your videos.
Thank-you! I’m really starting to understand why I limp so badly emotionally. TG I didn’t have a child so this won’t affect any potential child.
"Every yes to someone else is a no to yourself in some way." I really needed this. Thank you for the videos.
I have been doing schema therapy for 6 months now, working on my inner child, child modes and reparenting to become the healthy adult. Seriously has been life changing therapy.