Toxic, Narcissistic Parents: Enough Already!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ย. 2018
- Commonly you don't understand the nature of narcissism until your adult years when sometimes it becomes clear: "My parents are narcissistic!" This leads to the question: "How do I react to them now that I know what narcissism is?" Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how narcissistic parents can attempt to wield an ongoing influence, and how you can respond appropriately.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist with 38 years experience. He has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions. He maintains a practice near Dallas, Tx.
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They expect you to be an adult when you're a child and then treat you like a child when you are an adult.
Exactly! You can never win with them.
Sooo ANNOYING 🙄.. I WANT TO SUPER GLUE MY MOTHER'S LIPS TOGETHER AND YELL, SHUT THE (BEEP) UP!! 🤔
@@mands962
There's no winning with them, regardless of who they are.
@@mands962 1000% that's.exactly how i feel you can't ever win. It's their way or no way. True as.well as.a.kid you're.meant to be.an adult.as an.adult you're treated like a kid. Sick of it, literally ill and still they don't change still Allabout them
Perfectly articulated!!!
Trying to leave a narcissistic family is like trying to leave a cult.
Lmao but unfortunately, your so right.
Yup. You nailed it. It's difficult and scary as hell but it must be done if you want to life a healthy life.
The guilt is real. And you grieve the loss even though they're still alive. Money is used... Inheritance gone when I said THERE ARE THREE KIDS, CHOOSE ONE OF THEM TO TAKE OVER... if you can ever REACH them. I have lupus, hubby has heart issues... We get used and a job description. We just cut ties and I'm already getting private messages of how terrible I am.
It is!! I've been calling my mom "Scientology" because she plays by the same rules - you are not allowed to complain, to speak badly, to say something's not ok, to be hurt by abusive behavior, it is either 100% following by her rules or you'll be punished severely, your family will turn against you, you will lose everything. Helps me keep things in perspective because I am learning just how brainwashed I've really been by abusive parents, and HOLY CRAP it's hard to break these generational patterns and leave the narcissistic toxic parent cult! It's hard work but worth it to get to a healthier way of living.
You are so right!!
34 years! found out I was NOT GUILTY! all along!!
You knew all along. They're just so cruel, you learned to take shit.
@@MH-cv5ye you are so right! It is easy to be in denial when the narc is a parent you should be able to trust.
Ok Thanks MH
Wow! Ignorant AND a potty mouth. What a rare combination.
FYI, when someone says they just found out, it means they did NOT know all along.
You are a control freak. Let it go a little. Let other people figure out their own "knowledge", and whether they want to reply to you or not. Nobody needs your permission to reply. And nobody needs you telling them what they knew and when they knew it. You can't control other people. Accept it, and you won't be so angered by differences of opinion.
This video is 1 of the reasons i now am more independent then ive ever been :)
@Goldie O if someone knows they haven't done something, they know they haven't done something. The whole platitude thing is a projection. Then you get insulting. Just fuck off. How about that? Because some of us have better things to do, like smoke weed, and relax.
When your parents are narcissists they assume the role of enemy.
Well said!
WOW, I never looked at it that way. You are so correct. A true enemy (non-family) would never be allowed to get away with such abusive behavior.
Exactly your parents are supposed to protect you and yet they become the enemy
My brother and I thought of ourselves as united against our parents.
Yep!!
I was expected to know everything without ever being taught anything..
This!!!!!
Me too
Same here😔
sugarcayenne seVen, ROFLOL! The irony. How breathtaking it is to realize the truth.
Yes, and when I made a mistake out of naivety I got punished
I see you've met my parents.
Oh yeah. Dr. C
Why I cut communication and set boundaries
Couldn't have said it better myself
Thanks for the laugh ; ).
i see you have met my mother
Trust me when I say growing up with two narcissistic parents is its own special kind of hell for the children. I'm amazed I even survived.
Keep your eye out for next Monday’s video. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Fantastic :) I find watching videos about narcissistic parents helpful this time of year in order to steel my resolve to remain "No Contact". The guilt gets pretty strong around the holidays. Thanks for these!
I agree with you wholeheartedly..same here
My narc dad is punishing me for the trouble his parents caused him!
relatable @@jackilynpyzocha662
You have become more mature than your parents. That’s how I feel
Yes I’m the adult she’s the overgrown toddler
Since I was in 5 grade, I felt like. And when I try to make it work with them it just fit into their ego instead of listen to me. What a shame, I should've see that earlier
100%. It's kind of unsettling to know you/I listened to that person growing up. I applaud all people who reclaimed their power.
Funny how narcissistic parents tell you you're the child, yet when you calmly hold your ground against all their rage and harshness, you begin to realize it's really you who's the adult, and the parent who's the child. Because what narcissistic parents are doing when they rage at you and guilt trip you for disagreeing with them and doing things differently as your own adult is, they're throwing fits at you for not letting them have their way. Narcissistic parents are not real adults; they're overgrown toddlers in adult bodies. And it's up to you, as the child of the Nparent, to learn how to parent yourself.
Blue Feathered Cub 😮 that makes sense
@@aflowerthatbloomsinadversity Oh, thank you! Also, I love your username. :D
True, all narcs are emotionally immature. A 3 year old child stuck at that emotional age forever. There is no reasoning with them because they haven't developed yet. It's really sad.
So true.
Spot on. Huge part of my emdr therapy is learning to parent myself. Im not no contact though i have a strong part of me that believes i can fix them but my therapist says im overburdening myself
sometimes the best christmas etc u can have is NO CONTACT. silence and peace. the ultimate gift.
daniel6 victory Thanks for mentioning this. It seems like a lot of people don’t understand that some families are too toxic to be around.
Blue Bird So True! The love of God fills that hole created by the narcissist. To know we are loved and created by the God of the universe, is the best way to feel true love! Sweet! : )
daniel6 victory, Skipping thanksgiving this year at my daughter’s house, so sad.
@@jeanroeder5534 rejoice. there is a door open now into new freedom.okay it may hurt the first time - this thanksgiving - but if you accept that as the price to pay for freedom and dignity next time around (skipping) it w be okay. plus you are giving them the chance to learn to understand that toxic behaviour has serious consequences.
@@un-diluted7444 yes, and that consequence is the lack of your beautiful presence...if they dont care, then, u know where they stand with you. And that might be sad, but, better to know the truth. Hey, they dont deserve your caring empath presence anyway! If they are abusive narcs that is..., so, absent yourself from their abuse. You greatly benefit from that and its truly a gift to urself, ur real self. No contact! Its a beautiful lifesaver.
This is my parents.
And the thing is they f*cked up my life and still think they were the best parents to have!!
Oh yes, to hear my mother go on about never doing anything in her life as she was busy raising her kids....
Yeah, my mother thought she was Mother-of-the-Year every year while... I'll skip the gruesome details, but, oh yeah, exactly what you said.
Here's the best of what I learned after decades of studying trauma and abuse, lots of internal work, and learning from people like Dr. Carter and Brené Brown:
"Living well is the best revenge."
It's taken a few decades of hard work (68th BD this week) but it's all worth it to stand on the emotional hilltop, look back down along the hard climb to the swamp, far away - and feel good about myself now, about how much I've worked and healed and grown. How so far beyond their control I now live. And if someone as f*ked up as I was can do it, anyone else can. Let 'em go, you deserve better.
@@annaanderson9527
Thank you for your sweet encouraging words.
I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing but I'm glad you are doing better now. So will I one day..
I'm on that journey to healing.
Wish you the best of life 💕
Right!!!!!! I don't get it. They were my first bullies ever. Worst experiences in my life stem from the immense trauma. Now I'm the one insane for figuring it out, well, for pointing out something I believe, actually experienced, but they don't believe true. They are perfect! They are so Perfect! I can't turn to anyone within my own family because it's a bit authoritarian, but also on top of the fact my dad is the bread winner. He portrays a fake image because he's abuse in every possible way. Gaslighting is the worst one. Worst. I have keep a journal and recordings to remind myself I wasn't going crazy. And the feeling of wanting to expose them, but simply, can't. Just can't because it doesn't work with them... worst.
@gem So True! It's crazy how they think they were "perfect" parents! (Lol)
Anyone reading this don’t you dare feel guilty for setting up boundaries and taking care of yourself and speaking up. What your parents did for you growing up and that is what they were supposed to do you shouldn’t have to be made guilty or manipulated
TY 🤗🙌
Your words are so freeing to the soul. Thank you, for speaking encouragement, and validating to thousands of people who will come across this video!
Thank you so much lovely lady👑🫂❤️🩹 God bless you
The narcs are the reason I have the boundaries.
When a narcissist says "I love you," they mean "I own you, and as such I'm obligated to make these noises at you."
I fart in those noises general direction XD
My mother never said I luve you. I also never heard my parents say to each other.
@@marloh967 Yes mine too, she always said this are just words! And how could she if she doesnt love herself.. They are just sick
bebopbountyhead my mom has yelled at me more than she has ever said that she loved me
When she does it doesn’t feel real, it feels unauthentic. Your comment makes sense as to why
and if they do anything for you out of "love" they do it so they can hold it over you later...
I have been "no contact" with my entire family for 6 years. I couldn't take being scapegoated any longer after seeing that the plan was to perpetuate the scapegoating onto my kids too. My neices and nephews were actually encouraged to bully my boys, and it is what finally opened my eyes. It's sad. It's sad that I don't have a family to reminisce with or learn from or share with. It's just as sad that my children won't have an adult relationship with any cousins. No one, NO ONE goes no contact lightly. It is a desperate last resort! And I fully stand by the decision.
Those of us who have done the same thing are in a way your family, we understand you and care for you.
I’ll be your family too. I’m in the same boat. But it’s my first year of no contact.
Your words are so accurate! It is a desperate last resort and it is absolutely the most painful thing I think a person will ever go through in their life, ever!. Being scapegoated is something so horrible that once you realize what it is and what is happening it moves from the level of horrible to evil and you realize these people never cared about you. How could they and treat you like this. They really do make you think all the chaos is your fault and yet when you go no contact and you have nothing but peace and happiness it’s such a rude awakening to realize how many wasted years we had thinking we were the problem because that’s what they told us.
You are not alone, we’ve been going through this too. I never realised what the problem was all these years till now. It hit me like a lightening bolt. It explained everything I had endured my whole life. I had been manipulated and lied to my whole life.
At some point my mother started to play her games with my kids too, and I was in no way going to let them be her next victims as I was all my life. So I put my foot down and they had minimal contact with her, but that didn’t change anything either, because whenever they/we saw each other again, the games would start soon after walking in the door.
It got to the point where she moved in with us recently but because I stood my ground she couldn’t handle it and got up took all her personal items and left in the wee hours one morning , we’ve not heard from her since. It’s a relief in one way, but it’s also been very hard because I’m concerned for her well being. It’s just too much emotional turmoil to endure day in day out, year after year.
We have not spoken to the rest of our family for 9years now, because of their narcissistic tendencies, and It hurts, as this is not how we would like to live our lives, separated from our loved ones, birthdays , Christmas, Easter etc without family, is a painful reminder, especially for the kids, but we cannot continue to live through this vicious cycle. It’s too high a price to pay. No contact is the only way, but as you said no one goes no contact lightly, it’s a hard road to travel.
💯💯💯
If I could go back in time and give myself advise, I would travel back 35 years.
I would tell the young me: "There's no winning this game, and to be honest, you won't even make it to the field, and if you did, everybody in your family would have left anyway. They don't see you and they never will"
If I had known that credibility, loving attention and a devoted supporter club couldn't be found in my family, I wouldn't have entered adulthood in a semi depressed state, and I could have looked for healthy people right from the start.
I'm better off now, but jeez it took a long time. Restoring health is not done in a week
Well said!
You all are speaking truth! I would go back 30 yrs myself, right before I entered college. You're also right that healing isn't an overnight sensation at all! I'm in therapy, and I'm in the Celebrate Recovery at my church is phenomenal and a great deal of help. I can if and when but our healing is when it should have been. Because, I wasn't ready to accept what I already knew, and I didn't know what it was until now.
Denial+Insanity=
brokenness. My brokenness is accepting from the expected now.
My life story too. Thank God I found a wonderful counselor. Took me 15 years to find myself. F#×* them.
I could cry. This is what I would have done too!
@@amandagish5976thank you for saying this. I stepped away from my narcissistic father and his supporters, my siblings, about two years ago. I’m still grieving and trying to recover from a lifetime of scapegoating! Thank you for mentioning that it takes time.
My narcissist parents used criticism and belittling as a means for teaching how to deal with concepts of life.
“I don’t want you to ever stop needing me” SO TRUE! That’s the main reason I was rejected by my mother. It’s insane. If you rely on them they talk about how pathetic you are but once you step out on your own it’s like “how dare you leave me”
The double-bind, where a person is deemed "wrong" if they turn one way, or if they turn the other way > either way, the N deems them "wrong". "You can't win for losing" was the old saying to describe this. That's an N behavior. In this way, they guarantee that someone else is "wrong", which supposedly makes them "right?" (They're irrational.)
That's a very good description, Laydee Leshay..
Narcissistic parents pull you in and push you away at the same time.
They don't know what they are doing, cause they don't know themselves. It's maddening..
When I finally rebelled against my mother (a walking disaster at the time) dad sighed and said: "Don't be so hard on you mom.."
True story...
He couldn't help me for ten seconds...
At the same time, noone wanted me to be a child forever...
Double messages.
My parents weren't the worst parents ever. But I know that narcissistic parents can damage their children big time.
And when I say this to them, they say is all love. When you have kids you will understand. Gross!!!!
@@colinlin4568 or you can't blame your parents for everything. Wondering if anyone else can't look at pictures of themselves as children
Yeah i understand this, when try to be kind and understanding, they hate it, to the point they accusing us for something we never did, but when we leave, don't care they looking for us, i dont really know if she's trully a mother or not, she see their child as emotional punchbag, probably my father having this same experience too back then....
My late parents were far worse than what you describe here. I’ve lost count of how many times I walked away shaking from head to toe as an adult. They convinced me there was something really wrong with me (I wanted to be a good person) Finding out about narcissism and psychopathy was a gift from god for me, my whole life made sense. Thank you for your videos, your children are very lucky to have you as their father 😘 x
Best wishes to you as you move forward. Dr. C
Carrie Marie I feel you. I know exactly what you mean literally. Good luck in your healing brother or sister. God bless
I completely understand.
You should feel proud that you can walk away 'shaking your head'. I have lived with the other side where the person became a slave to this. I feel sorry for this person I am talking about because they couldn't 'shake their head'. I believe that this person became cluster b disordered. Chin up and thank your lucky stars! Bless!
Be certain they will play the will game with you.
My father has literally taught me zero things. I asked my father to teach me how to cook and he raged when the first egg I ever cooked was sticking to the pan. Absolutely insane! Most parents would be fucking proud their child was trying to learn a skill! I was so petrified of making mistakes that I could barely even go in public.
Me too... He made me d.mb and stupd
I remember when I forgot to grease a baking tray baking muffins. My mum went off like I'd just lost the family $1billion...... It was just another excuse for her to use me like a human punching bag.
thats why how toxic and demonic they are
Some people shouldn’t be parents.
Lol my mother raged at me the first time she “taught” me how to clean a toilet (her basically yelling at me) and when I didn’t do it right she got furious.. I remember even thinking that age .. do you expect me to come out of the womb just knowing this?! You’re supposed to teach me an explain it normally. They’re sick.
"There's one opinion in this world that's correct.. and it's mine".. creepy and true
GOD'S word is all that counts sweetheart.
The hardest part, for me, is looking back on my life and realizing how much time and energy was wasted doing what THEY wanted instead of fulfilling my own goals and dreams. My dad still calls me the little pet names he gave me when i was a girl. It's so frustrating. I have asked him several times to stop it. I'm 35, it's almost disgusting to never be called my name and only be called little cutesy names. I believe it's part of his infantilization agenda.
Yes, you're on target. Dr. C
You are not alone- I don't know whether to scream or laugh- this is so messed up. Waking up at almost 39. Still want to avoid this- hurts too much.
@@happylindsay4475
How about waking up at 57 (yours truly)!?! I can totally relate to the *WASTE of time and energy* ... and I still have to waste some more because my narcissistic mother is in her 90s now and "needs" my care-giving (because no one else is around to do the dirty work!)
@@ExtraordinaryLiving I also just woke up at 57. I really love these videos.
.
@@kimberlys.parker-psc-7175 same here. Devastating to wake up with the truth at this age. A tremendous amount of damage has been done. I lost my adult daughters in my ignorance allowing (unbeknownst to me for a long time) that my mother, there gma was undermining and belittling me behind my back. I lost everyone and am an only child.
This is my parents..I needed to hear this...the stress they cause is unimaginable
Something I learned...genetics don't equal family. Just because they birthed you and "raised" you doesn't make them family.
True, unconditional, and sacrificial love is what makes a family. 💖
Me rn, age 19 and still dealing with this bullshit. Gonna either move in with someone else( real family ) or live alone. Who knows, shit, living on the streets is better than living here
@@skidamarinkadinkadink9580 couldn't agree more! Well said
MoonAcreFalls I felt the same way at 15. I’m still dealing with it at 41. My parents won’t die.
Skidamarink ADinkADink well said! I agree 💯 %
37 years of no contact, hasn't been long enough.
There were no teachable moments- just screaming and punishable moments . My mother in particular projected all her shame onto me - I don’t think she actually felt any guilt about anything. Threats of violence and death came almost daily from my father . The two faced performance for the outside world was almost laughable. I don’t know why others fall for it. As you mentioned these people are extremely threatened by their own children’s critical thinking. No contact is the only thing that works.
Yes u just describe what my sis and I go through. I left home. I hope she does too. On day 22 no contact feels amazing. The tipping point was both narc parents contacting an ex to preach the gospel despite knowing he was abusive. I thought they had my back and understood I moved on and am happy. But no lol so no contact is best yay 😁😁😁
Ah yes the death threats. I thought it was normal to tell your child I will knock you into next week or the wall, all the time.
I needed to hear this today. My parents have been so awful to me. I’ve wasted 34 years trying to make them happy and it hasn’t happened yet.
34 years...That's long enough we can call it a trend. Plan accordingly. Dr. C
MizNato, Isn't that something; We spend decades trying to make these crazy bastards happy, and they give back poison. It's like that saying; " No good deed goes unpunished." I'm done with the punishment. GOD help us.
Run
Are you in contact? Have the same parents. now only seeing one of them. I feel drained after a monthly visit.
You only get one life! Don't let them take away from it by trying to fight a losing battle. It's like you were handed a hand of cards and you have some good ones and two crappy ones. You need to play your good ones and discard the bad ones!
Narcissists view their children( or spouse) as POSSESSIONS...not as individuals worthy of respect. They look at EVERYTHING from the perspective of how it makes THEM look(to the public). I guess that's where the term..."trophy wife" came from(lol)! They also tend to "live vicariously" through their children...which is not healthy. Prime example...my ex-husband made our daughter go to law school (which was HIS dream...not hers), and she really wanted to be a Graphic Designer or an artist. He refused to help her with her tuition if she didn't follow HIS "career path."I should have put my foot down, but I was merely a doormat at that time.
The fact that my mom cares more about her reputation than she does about me has been on my mind lately... shit. But I’m forced to ignore all the shit they’ve done because they’ll say “Look at all that we do for you!” and make me out to be an ungrateful brat and completely miss the point if I. ring up anything. ... I want to cry now. Shit. 😓
Abi Fitz my reply: Thank you for what you do for me, now can you do More? (A sense of humor works like a charm)
Valerie Griner oh yes
Valerie Griner I’m unfortunately in the same situation! Ugh
Yes. My dad said I belonged to him...as if I am a possession of his or something. I'm 21😑 about to be 22 in a few months, and I'm tired of how he talks to me🙄😒
The only things I was "taught" were things that perpetualized infantalism. Well into my adult years, both of my parents felt the need to teach me how to work a washing machine, how to rinse a microfiber rag(🤦♀️), how to budget, etc. I'd actually learned all those things while I was AWAY from them during my apprenticeship at an appropriate age. Did they teach me anything of actual use? Yeah, that I was raised by two narcissists and how to avoid them at all costs.
Yesss!!!!!
Ooooooh I felt that💯I feel you! Our situation may be different but this what you said I can relate to it, I hope you’re doing fine out there without them🙏🏻you deserve peace
OMG so true ..that's teh best lesson and also how you can be authentically happy from within..that's also a gift from leaving the toxicity
My mother literally cornered me in the basement and stared me down because (she claimed) I was doing the laundry wrong, at 44 years old. She's in her 70's. She tells everyone I'm delusional, paranoid, crazy, embellishing things, etc. She tells me she's the only one helping me. I am a disabled traumatized woman, she makes my life hell when ever she has the opportunity to. I feel like I can't survive her much longer.
My mom is very controlling and manipulative.
She use guilt to manipulate us to get what she wants.
It's like walking on eggshells around her everyday.
I can't share my opinion, because she's "always right" because she's my "parent".
I'm planning to move out of my parent's house soon. I'm so scared with how she would react, but this is the only way I have, to have the control over my own life back.
Do it. I strongly suggest to seek therapy little after you moved out
@@shahilagh I did. 😭 And as I imagined, she was infuriated. But I've made up my mind.
It's the best decision I've made this year.
I will try to find the right therapist.
Thank you for the advice!
My moms the exact same way
Scrolling through these comments and seeing so many people went through almost exactly what I did growing up is somehow both sad and healing 😂😭 all we can do is break the cycle
My dad is a naursasist thorough and thorough the second I told him he's patronizing as Hell
Yes break the cycle! I have!
I will break the circle in Jesus mighty name I pray Amen 🙏
@@allenidus3404
It doesn't work to tell someone they're a narcissist.
Can you imagine how many years I’ve been banging my head against a brick wall trying to prove to my parents that I am a person of value to no avail? 45 years. Well now I know why. All this time I thought they had my best interests at heart when in reality it was their best interests they had at heart. Just wow.
The realization that my own father didn't have my best interests at heart--and never did--was the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. In my case my successes only make him look worse by comparison, which he resents. He wants me to fail, so he can be superior/the hero.
Sad but true.
Nail on the head! Leaving after high school to start my own life was actually held against me. I was not allowed to have my own opinions or dreams. I was told who I was and how limited my capabilities were. Constant criticism so I was filled with self doubt and low self esteem. Basically your life is stolen by these types of parents.
They see you as a cardboard cut out of their projections onto it (you). They demand for you to follow their (false) narrative of who you are and if you don't follow the script you are attacked and slandered behind your back as well as to your face. In order to be in a narc family CULT, you must exchange the Truth for their lies. No thanks.
Reese Daniel, so true. I don’t believe their lies anymore about me.
@@fifilafleur5555 When I first moved out. My narc mother teamed up with my deadbeat dad (I believe he maybe a narc too but almost never see him) that I only saw once or twice a year... For what? To pressure me into taking a drug test because I was CRAZY for wanting to move out at 18. At that point I had been living with my grandmother for 5 years not my moms. Even though she still ransacked my room a couple of times a week at my grandmothers because I acted weird and hardly spoke to her. So obvious I was on drugs then as well🙄
I want to cry. That last sentence is the cold truth!
Parental bullying - once in place will never improve . No Contact .
My parent's exactly. No contact with five siblings. I will never reconcile.
@@iniubongnkanga9390 I just reported you again...for your incessant SPAMMING! I discern this "hacker detective" trolling as a trap of the enemy.
Youngest of 6 siblings. The baby of the Family is the most easiest to use as a scapegoat. My family have the jezebal spirit over them I was abused bad physically, emotionally, & verbally by all them & they still think I am the problem.
Forgive inside and keep your boundaries/defense wall high up in reality.
Forgive them for being this low level human beings. Forgive yourself to buy into their bullshit.
Reconciliation inside and defense and no contact outside.
I go the same way. Good 🤞 luck
Forget them!
My mother is a pshycopath and sociopath. She threats me numerous times. But i dont afraid of her threats. I recorded every threats of her and prove those in court in future. I want to send her in prison for at least three years. Now i am acting with her very nice way and normally but internally i am seeking revenge because of i have proof of recordings of her violent verbal threats
I ran away after 53 years of covert abuse by my siblings and mother...and I thought I was the crazy one...my God..thank you and much love xxx
Angel D - Me too. I finally woke up to the fact that all four of my siblings don't really give a rat's ass about me and only want me around if I'm doing something for them that they want. It has never been give and take, it has always been about them. No more.
It's a tag team effort for sure! They didn't start really doing it openly to me till it started leave me out of weddings for the same reasons they would know there's basically who were guilty of the same suit called crimes. At 46 I realize that this whole thing has been rigged a lot longer than I thought. I was too young that having fun. I'd be back home in my 30s from across the country and at that time it wasn't so bad even. Get us all quite a few double standards without getting into details between how I was treated and the other adult children in similar circumstances.
In my 40s across the country they really turned on me. But that was enough so they had to go recruit a flying monkey who ironically was damaged from their parents to.
Now I can see why I never had much for a relationship with my siblings after a while and why I always had to do the calling. I was scapegoated all along and when I was younger I didn't really notice or care. I got to do my own thing. I guess the Rigo resented that and they just had to come after me in my 40s 3500 miles away.
Thanks for sharing your story, Angel, because it's good to hear others have these family situations because a lot of people are here on similar videos for their evil ex or whatever.
I have seen many of this guy's videos and it's amazing how the narcissistic parents or former best friend forever--who became a flying monkey for them basically-- use the same Playbook.
Angel D may your life be filled with Love, prosperity , and endless joy and happiness! You deserve it 😀
right! isn’t it interesting how you get brainwashed into believing how worthless you are, and that you are the problem, you are the one to blame, and you are the one ruining their life ? :) Only when you have been in a healthy relationship and learned some phycology, you start understanding.
NO CONTACT. Always
Why bother?
They try to destroy you and then expext you to be whole for them. Crazy!
Yes, my mother tried to dictate my major life decisions. And was angry when I went forward with my own plans.
The only time she treated me like I was adult was when she broke her hip and needed a lot of help. I thought she finally accepted that, at age 35, I was a competent adult. It lasted only a few months....sigh.
I’m now no contact. A last resort painful decision. The last straw was when I learned she had repeatedly emotionally abused my child.
My heart goes out to all of you that have a narcissistic parent. It’s so 😣 painful.
I'm right there with you. I stopped contact with my parents two days before Christmas. My parents brought up how they are still angry I moved out on my own and said I needed to move back with them.
I guess I'm about to just do that....
For that same reason I decided at the beginning that my narcissistic family will not have any involvement with my kids. They never even seen them and have no means of finding us! Peace and quiet.
"Eaten bread is soon forgotten."
My mother basically chose my college major for me. I graduated with high honors but hated the profession. I quit my job at IBM, and she stopped inviting me to family functions. I guess she couldn't hold me up as a trophy anymore (i.e. I couldn't make her look good anymore). She is 84 now and still treats me the same way. I am the black sheep child because I dared to make my own life-decisions.
My parents are gone, and I'm no contact with my siblings. Loving it.
Why siblings?
@@navymed3 Because they were abusive and my parents turned a blind eye,
@@elirien4264 I’m sorry, glad you’re in a better place
So happy for you. I hope I get to leave my toxic parents soon…
@@fluffypieee It's scary, but it's worth it.
Doing the hard work at 53!!
Just tired of unrealistic expectations.
Hardest thing I have ever done!
Especially since my parents are 89 and 82!
Sometimes the only healthy choice is to go no contact with narcissistic parents.
My parent told me I was useless and would never make it in the real world when I was a kid and Im the worst child anyone can have in the world. The parent still calls me lazy and childish if I do my homework instead of cook my siblings food or take care of this parent's responsibilities. I couldnt finish highschool because this parent got mad at me for doing homework instead of clean a house that wasnt dirty. But as soon as I ignore them or show my independence it's "hey, when's your next phone bill due? let me pay it" or "your my favourite child".
Im old enough to not fall for it anymore. This parent bullied me into adulthood and now I take my own stride.
Good job! You made your life your own. Your story mirrors mine but their negative input made me work even harder to succeed in life (which I did). They both died alone and miserable never understanding what happiness or contentment was. So pitiful.
You should rename this video “Let me tell you what a healthy parent should have taught you.”
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I’m an adult and still living at home. This describes my father to a T. Abuse was in all forms and very confusing as a child. I’m still here and hoping to move out soon. I won’t kill myself over him, and I won’t let him win.
Please know there are places you can go to live away from an abuser. Try your local domestic violence hotline. There is help for you and always hope❤️✝️💕
@@serenitysmith352 exactly what I’m dealing with after going no contact, leaving my apartment and everything I worked for to live with my partner just so I had nothing to do w them, he passed last July, we just bought a car so I could work again, ugh. Being so strong and calm while trapped, repressing the rage, and shrinking so small has been the hardest journey after going through so much lol life is funny
I'm over 50 years old, and reacently it hit me: no one has ever said anything positive about my relations to my parents. That's mindboggling.
My wife had two parents who were clearly narcissistic. I have a mother with the same. My wife was beaten as a teen by both parents, a sweet girl. I inherited a severely emotional wife who through lots of work has experienced a lot of healing, but the effects of her upbringing remain these 47 years. If only there was a way to protect children of Narcissists.
Be there for her,let her know,give her hugs/hold her/show that you love her.That she is safe and secure with you
She’s lucky to have you. I married into a very narcissistic family. My husband acted sociopathic but with AA he’s doing better.
I can relate to this. I had similar experiences as your wife . My husband had a narcissist mother too, but he dealt with it better than I. Cut her out of his life and never cared! I on the other hand, keep suffering from that narcissistic abuse and feeling the effects to this day....I'm working on it and he always reminds me to not waste time thinking about it anymore. It's a hard work. All the best !
Your a good man....please keep growing in this essence and don't ever stop
My parents didn't teach me any of those things. Never once had a one on one conversation with either of them. 😲 This is foreign to me. You might as well be an alien from Mars. I'm always amazed at how "normal" people live and think.
Narcissists view their children( or spouse) as POSSESSIONS...not as individuals worthy of respect. They look at EVERYTHING from the perspective of how it makes THEM look(to the public). I guess that's where the term..."trophy wife" came from(lol)! They also tend to "live vicariously" through their children...which is not healthy. Prime example...my ex-husband made our daughter go to law school (which was HIS dream...not hers), and she really wanted to be a Graphic Designer or an artist. He refused to help her with her tuition if she didn't follow HIS "career path."I should have put my foot down, but I was merely a doormat at that time.
Ikr !
Same here.
Wow everything you said is spot on- I'm 58 years old and my Mother still thinks you have to clear everything you do through her - invite her everywhere you go - take her on vacation with you - do everything she ask and never say no - and its never enough - never right - she's never happy - constantly complaining- always pissed off - she's toxic
Yeah, I'd say she checks off the boxes. Dr. C
Or she’s just an old grumpy lady. I found that in a lot of elder people… sadly.
I have one of the most toxic families I have ever seen.
Bibi Ahmed I do! We should compare notes!
My mother is a narcissist. Then I married one. I've divorced after 20 years. And I've finally learned how to deal with my mother.
My mother is a narcissist, too.....and then I married a narcissist. I keep thinking that I married my mother, so to speak! :)
Congratulations on your healing and freedom!! Do you have any advice for dealing with a narc mother. I need some tips on tactics to deal with her control and judgement.
@@sfletch3042 no contact is the best advice
My mother isn't a narcissist, but bipolar and or borderline, and very violent at times.
I learned how to deal with her. It's called NO CONTACT.
Life is good! 15 years worth.
@@denisekinzle1672 no contact
As a child, I absorbed my pain, not wanting to add to the chaos of family life.
I believed there would come a day, when I became and adult, when my thoughts and
feelings would count, that I could tell my mother what was really going on. I
thought she would comfort me, empathize, be thankful to me for being a martyr
and for not rocking the family boat.
The time arrived when I was 30, and to my astonishment, she became angry, ran away
from the facts, and told me to stop talking about that old shit. Wow.
Until then I thought the flaws were with the people who came between us.If only so
and so were not in the picture, she would understand and we would be close again.
Now I know the responsibility fell to her to pay enough attention to see the abuse
I absorbed. She brought those people into our home. She was responsible for my
total lack of self-esteem, for my living in fear, for my inability to function as a successful
adult. She was not my best friend.
Yes, I have outgrown and surpassed her. She is not as smart as she thinks she is,
and I am not as dumb. She is a frightened child who only knows how to be angry when
something does not go the way she plans. She does not know how to problem solve,
how to find win-wins. She cannot get out of her own way.
It is midnight 31 December 2018. I tell my pets, Happy New Year. Much was taken from me -
my life was knocked off it's trajectory. Other things replaced the life I would have had,
and I chose those things. It has been a lonely, unconventional ride. Ultimately, I am
happy where it has taken me. I am in a good place at the start of 2019.
Happy New Year to you! And hold onto this resolve. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Happy NewYear to you, Dr.C. It is nice to have been heard.
This sounds like what I'm going through now. I'm sorry you went through this too and I hope I can get to a better place one day too.
An evil mother you will know
When she treats you as her foe....
Your amazing .. good luck and very best wishes x
The 126 dislikes must be those narcissistic parents I guarantee
My parents did nothing for me god has been teaching all my life even how to be a man. It's a blessing in disguise because god Is always the best teacher.
yes amen
Yes! My mom taught me nothing. Threw me to the wolves repeatedly. Everything I have learned has been on my knees. He is The Most High God! Praise Him! Proverbs 31 just by His instruction.
God is your best friend father and greatest teacher in life. The world may turn there back on you but God will forever love you unconditionally
Wow, the same happened to me
That's 'God.'
NO contact from family of origin coming on 3 years. Once you realize that they were never your family, that will help with the resolve of STAYING no contact and that the correct decision was made to walk away. My motto is; family is over rated.
I have been low contact for 6 months. I'm planning on remaining low contact with my mind open to the possibility of no contact. I have been connected purely out of guilt and obligation for years. I get nothing out of it (love, support, connection, etc.)
Family is over rated. What a great sentence. When you stop and think about it if you had the choice to share a house with people 20 to 40 years older than you, would you? Heck no.
It's funny how narcissists keep thinking of themselves as family...and you never see them as such!
Thank you! Just bc my toxic parents gave birth to me doesn’t change the fact that I was mentally/physically abused by them! Its wrong if a stranger abused me, let alone by parents!
Can’t agree more with your last sentence.
It wasn't until, in my late 40s when I was taking an online communications course that touched on personality disorders, that I realized my father (a prominent surgeon) was the epitome of a narcissist. By then, a lot of damage had been done to me and my siblings. Even into his last years, he continued to dismiss any of our accomplishments, and blame us for any hardship we encountered. I remember one of the last, futile arguments I was drawn into with him. I ended it by saying, "Dad, to hear you tell it, I never did anything right and you never did anything wrong." I told him to think whatever he wanted about me; I knew the truth about me and I'm comfortable with myself.
They would try to hurt my self esteem by making comments about my weight, saying a smelled bad, messy, trying to sabotage or withdraw support when I tried to make efforts to buy a car, rent an apartment, have romantic relationships.
If you were a Cleopatra type they'd find some other delusion to drag you down.
@@serenitysmith352 In case you need to hear this from someone else, this is EXTREME emotional abuse and control. Please get out as soon as you can! No flower can bloom under the constant, toxic drip of poison. The world needs whatever wonderful thing is inside you that their cruelty tries to suppress. ❤
@mizzmini45 It sounds like maybe you made it out. I hope so! Wishing love and light to all who had parents who were such failures.
@@serenitysmith352 I'm so glad to hear you are ready to leave. That can be more than half the battle sometimes. I hope the steps to your brighter future become clear soon. Wishing you godspeed!
I cut off communication with my mom and brother a year / 2 years ago. Cutting ties emotionally is really like leaving a cult or doing a rehab from drug addiction: every time I feel delusionally sad for not having them around, I watch your videos and I try to remember some of the "fabulous" situations they put me through and how I felt, how I suffered...then I think of the growth I've been through since last year, of how, step by step, I managed to get my life on track, feeling a strange sense of freedom and liberation. I'm learning to love myself (still struggling with self-blame and guilt from time to time), it's hard, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your helpful videos.
I am going through the same. Thanks for your input.
Your words match how I feel perfectly. We’re not alone!
At 51, after I lost my job and home, I ended up back in my narcissist mother's basement, the metaphorical place from which I tried to escape my whole life, now painfully manifested in the physical. She tries to sabotage me any time I try to leave the house. I don't have a car, so if I try to go anywhere without her, she will refuse to drive. I haven't been able to find a job to save enough money to move back out. It has gotten to the point where I have wanted to kill myself, I don't even know what my own feelings are anymore. My health has deteriorated, I can't sleep at night. She doesn't care that I stopped getting out of bed, as long as I am dependent on her. I feel like I am trapped and dying.
Lisa Williams please leave, you can stay with other family? Friends?
Yes. You need to leave. Fight to get better. Get angry, that will give you the strength to survive. Love yourself everyday aNd tell yourself you are special because you are. You deserve happiness. Don't let her destroy you! Get better. Get a job. Then get out and dont look back! Sometimes church groups can help you. God bless you. Xxx
@@beverleymarr27 Thank you so much, and 2003mcassidy for your support. It means so much to me.
@@contribution741 Thank you so much for your supportive advice... it's funny, when I told someone I had to move in with her, they said, Oh well maybe that will be good, like going back to the womb... I said, No, it's the belly of the beast! "One last battle to get free", I pray that is true... every time I get some traction in my life, something happens where it all falls apart, and I end up back here. The last time I clawed tooth and nail to get out, commuted 4 hours a day, working and going to school, both full time, 7 days a week, so that I could get out of here. I managed to graduate and got out for almost 2 years, until I lost my job and my apt AGAIN. Funny, each time that happens, it seems to coincide with something terrible she says or does. This time, I am calling on the full armor of God and am prepared for any onslaught. I am planning to visit other family, praying something will work out so that I can get a job and leave here for good. I appreciate your encouragement so much, thank you!
Lisa, I'm so sorry. You've been trapped and that is NOT okay.
If I were in your shoes, I would look, honestly, into women's houses or homeless shelters of some sort. This is a form of domestic abuse.
You've got to seize control honey. I know how scary that is. I had to join the military to get away. It's a daunting and terrifying task, but it's better than suicide, it's better than being her prisoner. Search for domestic abuse resources in your community, and if you have friends anywhere at all, be totally up front with them. Tell them everything. And ask for their help, a place to stay till you're on your feet with a job. You got this, you've made it this far.
Its pretty simple with my Mom these days. If I don't call her she never calls me. It hurts but I totally get it - if its not all about her she doesn't make the effort. Meanwhile - I have done a lot of hard work to build better relationships with my children.
Mine will not call me either.She has always been a bitch
I'm 66I broke down with sesver anxiety.Its bee10 days no contact.
Donna Norris that’s where I’m at as well. I wouldn’t say I’m NO contact. If they text me, I usually answer back. They don’t try , and neither do I. But years ago I was trying to “fix them” and find if I had allies on “the inside” with my siblings. I don’t- they love the enabling denial.
I text only. Maybe visit there town for a day trip only, every couple years. Never a minute alone with my kids anymore.
Good job on breaking the cycle Donna!❤
My narc.mom calls me if she has something interesting to talk about her of course! If I dont agree with something she then with anger&all upset hangs down, idk why this people even call others if they cant have a mature conversation?! They are just so confusing & the mindfuc..the less you engage, tell or try to explane the better!
Good for you!
I’m 56. My mother emotionally, verbally and physically abused me when I was a child. Today she still blames me for her abusing me. Today she often insults my physical appearance. She makes me feel stupid. She mocks my faith in God… I moved 30 miles away to not be so available, but I make it a point to go visit her every other week for a couple of hours. I get anxiety knowing I have to go visit her. I’ve never invited her to my new home that I’m proud of, because I just can’t bring myself to allow her in my home. My safe sanctuary.
My mom told me "if you live in this house you are a CHILD and have to follow the rules like the other children and do what I say!" when I asked why the same rules don't apply to them they stated that they don't have to follow the rules because they are the parents and we're their children. By the way me and the older siblings were over 18 and 22 years old when this happened. Talk about crazy! 🙄😣
My parents thaught me NOTHING but they were not short on criticsm and devaluation,my father was a chronic complainer who needed to devalue others to feel better about himself,my mother was extremely self centered and saw me as an obstacle to her enjoyment of life,she told me often enough.She had no clue what I was doing at school and what grade I was in,I stopped asking he to help me with my homework because her idea of "help" was to slap me if I did not understand what she was trying to tell me and the less I understood the more she slapped me,so wham,wham wham, was my homework session.I will stop here as we could be there till Christmas!
Sounds like we had the same mother.
Oh that homework thing happened to me around 5. I was trying to count to 100, but kept getting stuck on how to pronounce "30." The more i messed up the more she yelled and hit. I FUCKIN HATE MATH TO THIS DAY. It scares me.
same here. if I did something good, it's cos of their choice. if the result is bad, then it's my own fault.
My narcissist mother, everything "got on her nerves." One day as a child I was rummaging in a box of Legos, and she yelled for me to stop because it was getting on her nerves. So I tried to do it quietly, and she exploded with rage. Just then, I noticed the iron was literally melting on the ironing board - the metal was starting to melt down like wax. I told her the iron was melting and she just went and turned it off, and wasn't even glad I told her. I had just prevented the house from burning down, yet she was still so angry about some noise my Legos made, it didn't make any difference to her.
@@DevorahTafus Narcissists react very inappropriately.She left the iron unattended,it was HER fault,but she certainly was not going to own up to it so she said nothing,but the noise of leggo was well worth complaining about.Things get well out of proportion for narcissists,most if not all of their reactions are totally irrational and toxic.
I ran away when I was 15 years old, not sure if you know what it takes to do that. Never had a job never balanced a budget, my dog I left behind. Don't regret it. I was pretty lucky. There was a guy that took me under his wing, became like my dad. He made me read books on business, even went in to a lawyer and got my llc subchapter s on my 18th birthday. Some of these adults that had narcissistic parents probably still need that.
Good for you! I didn’t leave till about 58 and still had an abusive husband and mother in law but at 60 I am some better. Leaving young is so smart!
Me too, im 30 now and i also escaped from sick family.😅
I’m 48 years old now and in therapy and my mom is exactly every single thing you just mentioned. She has become worse over the years. It’s been a lifetime of feeling unworthy which has touched every area of my life now. I feel like I have a light to look at and I have hope with therapy
They have already drained me of my sense of self. I don't even know who I am anymore! Too much emotional and verbal abuse. I've got nothing left
You have to regain power and parent yourself. This is what they want. You at your lowest weakest points it’s honestly fucked up, but no matter what nothing stands in the face of love. Absolutely nothing so once you keep and find this love for yourself and have plan and a bit of cash you can get the hell out of there make your resources as tangible as possible absorb how others got away like a sponge.
This was a helpful video. Unfortunately, my mother was also much worse than the parents described in the video. When her lying, provoking, false accusations and name calling had not stopped even though I tried to have that courageous conversation with her, I finally went no contact. She then proceeded to increase her smear campaign against me among my siblings, and they all went along with it. There are parents who truly do evil things to their children. My life is much better now that I am not on the receiving end of this abuse any more.
Thanks, and good luck moving forward. Dr. C
E N same here!
Mine were much worse too. They smear campaigned me telling everyone, including the city, that I attacked my mother with a knife. LIE. This happened when I had been previously attacked in an assault and I lost my eye! Instead of supporting me they said that I had no injuries, that it was a lie. They told me that I was the devil and when I told them I was suicidal they encouraged me to kill myself when I called them from a bridge ready to jump! EVIL TO THE CORE.
I’m about to start my process of No Contact with my narc parents. I will have to involve law inforcement because my dad cannot accept me going away living by myself, he keeps threatening my life and those around me. I have constant nightmares about he killing me or my loved ones. So I need a plan os escape but with the law backing me up. Please wish me luck!
Document EVERYTHING. Every phone call, every text, print EVERYTHING out. Every single attempt at contact, call and make a police report. It gets tedious but trust me it's worth it. The paper trail you generate will serve as your proof and then law enforcement can intervene.
My mother is like this but instead of threatening me like that she will threaten me with my kids and tell me how she has “friends” in the court and no one will ever take my side over hers because I was diagnosed with mental health problems. I’m to the point I don’t care anymore, I know she’s just trying to grasp at straws to stay in my life and once I have myself and my little family moved safely away from her I’ll be looking more into putting a PPO out on her. I’m done being the scapegoat and I’m done with her abuse and I’m done with her turning the rest of the family against me and I drew my line when she went into a raging narc fit and broke my door in front of my child just because I was trying to separate us from her until she finally chilled out. She tries to get my husband on her side and she believes just because I’ve kept my mouth shut since the last time she was angry pushed me into an anxiety attack and wouldn’t stop following me around the house screaming at me calling me names that all’s good and forgiven. I can’t wait until I can finally put this behind me and build a better relationship with my little family. I hope you’re thriving without that mess and I hope you find healing and peace from it. It’s a hard thing to go through with but it’s necessary and we only owe it to ourselves and our own children to live our lives the best that we can and be willing to grow and change every day. Again I hope you’re doing much better now and have found your own path. Good luck with everything hun ❤️
Omg...get a weapon, record all
postmortem will pray for Gods Angels to watch over you and keep you safe
Wow I thought I had it bad. Its really sad these beings dont have a life.
This describes my husband's parents so perfectly. One of their craziest "rules" is he can't leave until he eats a meal, and you better believe they use it as a delay tactic to get him (and me) to stay over for as long as possible.
Ugh lame. I had to go no contact with my inlaws. I have nothing to do with them. Husband is more than welcome to go visit them, just without me and they are not to come to our home.
Mine told me today “I’m done with you”, I responded inside with an excited squeal of pure joy at that idea. I also realized she’d said that to me hundreds of times! My husband has been listening to these vids with me and today he said “don’t let her gaslight you,”” I said, “ you were listening?!” He said “o yeah, she’s classic”. Thank you for these vids. It took vids like these to help me see what it really was. Having my husband understand this is going to go a long way I think in helping me break free. We didn’t have words for it before besides “crazy” and “insane”. Now I see things as they really are.
Good luck as you establish a new normal. Dr. C
My mother accidentally blurted out that she didn't feel welcome in my house (bc she can't control my husband, but she'll never admit it.) I kept my mouth shut, but inside I shouted, "Good! We don't want you there!"
may I borrow your husband?
I NEVER received these lessons, but they acted as if they had these lessons with me.
Omg, did you literally just watch my family before you made this video? Literally EVERY SINGLE thing you said is applicable to my parents' behavior.
It's disconcerting, right? It took me until I was 28 years old, and _a lot_ of thought and effort, to arrive at a summary he just presented in 15 minutes.
Cool channel btw.
Rachel Stephens
youre here?! lol hey! im subbed to you. JESUS IS KING😁
Rachel Stephens Yeah, I had the same feeling😔
They go by the textbook!
Rachel Stephens good for you for recognizing this.
My mother is an extreme narcissist. As is my brother because of her.
My childhood and teenage days were so bad, she use to kick me out all the time and I was homeless, I use to tell myself that I’m going to do a crime and just go prison Atleast somewhere to sleep and I won’t be with her. I can’t believe I ever thought that now looking back it was hell for me. May anyone reading this heal their inner child and also break the cycle. God bless you all 🙏
I would love to find fellow adult children of these types of parents. Can you imagine developing a community outside of the internet full of people that get it?
I WISH!!
Yes love the idea. We are geniuses
It is indeed mind-bending to realize you've surpassed your parent in maturity and wisdom. You hit the nail on parental narcissism, the effects of which are probably much underestimated in the local therapeutic communities. My parents match the profile, and then some. I like how you demonstrate the calmness needed to communicate with these people; a calm state of mind is key.
Thanks. Dr. C
And yet they stir up such intense anxiety in you, you can barely speak much less THINK. Fight or flight kicks in around these predators.
The effects are the fuel to my anxiety and lack of confidence in my own decisions. I always severely second guess myself because nothing was ever good enough...
Yes being calm and rational is required , but it also triggers your narcissistic parents , They have to win at any cost .
@@reesedaniel5835 I think that’s your cue to know it’s time to get away. Low contact or no contact. When you’re health is at stake, it’s time to choose only you.
Your an amazing psychiatrist because you are also a psychotherapist with so much empathy and understanding.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
Thank you for these kind words. Dr. C
My mother is the worst type. I have been suicidal most of my life. OMG.
I went through the worst situation of my life, and ended up becoming the most mentally healthy I’ve ever been because I separated myself and adopted a zero tolerance for toxic people. And I don’t mean everyone needs to agree with me; quite the opposite, I just need people who I do disagree with to respect that I’m my own person, with my own opinions and beliefs, and although I’m willing to listen, we don’t have to agree, just respect each other.
With narcissists, and particular narcissistic parents and siblings, it’s far more difficult of course, because there’s an assumption that you must, that you are obligated to listen to and respect them more than you respect yourself, and if that’s not the case, they star gaslighting. In a family this turns almost political in nature, where one or more may have established a storyline about you, and actually believe it to be true. The only way to deal with that ultimately, is to cut them out of your life.
At least that’s what worked for me.
Hey John, yes to all you just said! Dr. C
It's true that they have storyline about you and believe it. I don't have any contact, but I know for a fact that they stick to their stupid story about me. However, I don't really care as I'm not even there, so their words can't reach me. And I'm happy this way that I don't have to deal with them and waste my time. Peace and quiet!
Dead on! Worked for me too
My father and I really need counseling for his narcissism. We just got into a screaming match, basically, where he kept saying "sorry YOU feel that way". As if I made myself feel the way I do, because he had NOTHING to do with why my brother and I feel the same way about him. He constantly demands respect, but never gives respect back, and he intimidates people into believing he's always right. It's very frustrating, because if he would just acknowledge his mistakes and his mental and verbal abuse towards us, we're willing to forgive and mend. He told us we should just leave his life if we feel that way. I can't believe he's willing to disown us, rather than just admit his wrongfulness.
@@daveg.9939 I guess I keep telling myself "maybe he's not narcissistic, maybe he genuinely doesn't get what he did". Some parts of him sound narcissistic, but others don't. I don't want to immediately slap a label on him entirely, before, at least, trying to fix it. He's my dad, so I can't just leave his life, but on the other hand I'm not gonna let myself feel tormented by what he HAD done.
Caylie Fuller, it doesn’t matter what you label your father with and it doesn’t matter if sometimes he’s nice or non-narcissistic. What matters is that he doesn’t value that you are hurt. He’s not willing to sit with that, consider that and potentially alter his behavior in order to keep from hurting those who are closest to him. That tells you everything you need to know. You cannot change other people, but enabling them is a very wrong message. Your father likely is willing to disown you over The Truth. He likely doesn’t understand his behavior or even admit to it in his own mind. This is irrelevant because, without understanding, he could seek help in understanding and look to healing and growing as an individual and with you… If that mattered enough to him. Likely, his delusion is what he will cling to. Also, you CAN just leave your father’s life. I don’t know your story and only you can decide what’s appropriate. Going no-contact with people who are unwilling to do their work is a very acceptable route, and often the only choice, in order to keep from being abused.
@@Holly-sq5uv That's why I'm seeking counceling in the first place, maybe if someone unbiased can tell him and explain it better than I can, he'd get it. Ya know. If he says no to the counceling, then I'll know he really doesn't care.
Caylie Fuller Well,...good luck with that! People that purposely hurt need to be left to their own devices. You will never get an apology, or have him admit that he is wrong in any way. It's as if he thinks he'll die if he does that. At some point you have to realize you are valuable, and save yourself. ♡
I would like to commit to a few of the bitter Comments in here, my Narrcisisitic mother is no longer living! And I'm 58 A only child and to add to my story my dad was abusive has well, I'm picking up a lot of resentments, Anger and those feelings are your responsibility we all have to own are shit! I get it and it took years to get where I'm at today! Forgiveness isn't about the abuser it's about you excepting that the past will be different! And getting educated on PD Personality disorder Narrcisisitiizm! These people are Severely damaged by trauma and abuse! And danm hard to treat! No one could tell my Mother anything she was a expert on everything and I mean everything! And oh yea right about everything! You my never get validation to the abuse your Parent, Parents and if it's really bad, dangerous to be around them then by all means go no contact but I promise you your resentments and Anger stay with you and will affect you and everyone around and when you have children without meaning to the abuse you experienced will be coming out of you and projected on to your child! Because you haven't delt with and healed from your abuse and When we are Parents we have to be the example do you really want your children learning by excample that it's okay to just disregard your Parents because there difficult or have a Mental illness? The Narrcisisit issue have nothing to do with us, even though it feels danm personal but it is so much better to come from a place of understanding and Love and forgiveness that is how we thrive from abuse not just survive it something to consider....
I wish I had seen this 30 years ago. It perfectly describes my mom. I just thought she was crazy and mean. I distance myself from the family and that just made her worse. She's long gone now. Didn't shed a tear when she finally croaked.
There's no perfect solution in a situation that involves a narc.
Trust me, I've gone through all these strategies ➡️
Negotiation
Angry confrontation
Doormat/indifferent attitude
Using my own manipulation skills
Mirroring/adapting
No matter wich strategy I chose, I suffered. Reward = minimal.
Deal with these loonies only if you have to. Otherwise stay away.
You can't really be rewarded in a situation where you're not seen or heard as a whole individual.
You can't be rewarded by a narc.
You can't be rewarded by crazy
Simple as that.
Big yes to this: "You can't really be rewarded in a situation where you're not seen or heard as a whole individual." So true!
We do need to be careful though because many people that say, "yes, that was totally my parents," end up being exactly like this to their own kids and other people. We need to be careful not to be hypocrites. That's why, when some people become parents and catch themselves doing what their parents did, they eventually say, "Haha. I think I'm turning into my mother/father."
I've found that to be true. And I can't think of a single kid that hasn't hated their parents at least once.
That's why I'm gonna imitate my father but never, and I mean never, will i make them feel like they burden me.
I'll have money because I'm not a deadbeat like my dad, but I will never complain about how hard they make my life, or complain about my own dad.
It also helps if I take them back to their grandfather's home country. Because the US propaganda sort of pits kids against their parents due to so many differing viewpoints and ideologies.
👆🏼👍
My narcissistic mother taught me none of the healthy things you've described. She's vain, self-absorbed, mean, manipulative, vindictive, and hateful. I am so blessed that God's Word taught me who I really am. I would be dead without Christ. She recently told me she is communicating with my ex-best friend on Facebook. I am not on FB. She said that my friend told her that my mom made her childhood "so much better" and how much she loves her! I think my mother is a rabid liar, but if my ex-friend knew the nasty things my mother said about her all throughout my childhood it would curl her toes! She HATED my friend. Love covers all, right? I'll keep it to myself. I still struggle with feelings of anger (only when I speak to her), but when I am no contact I'm good. Thank you for your videos, Dr. C. They are tremendously helpful!
Pleased! Dr. C
MIFNP hahaha do we have the same mother ! My mom loves to Facebook friend all my old friends. She adds friends just to see if they still talk to me. Been 20 years since high school, that won’t stop her! And they love to say “well, so and so said that I’m really great. And I was always so nice to them....” hahaha good for them! Have a nice time- I would not let her know who my friends are now.
I'm so glad you turned to the Lord, MIFNP. I did too, at age 25. It was the best thing to have come out of my experience. Ridiculous really, I should say that I am glad what happened to me did happen simply because I might not have been saved had it not been for the narcissistic abuse I endured. I am not grateful to my parents though, but to God himself. He gets credit for every drop of lemonade that comes from the lemons they gave me in life. Jesus is my true father and my church congregation my other spiritual relatives. I feel so blessed in life due to what God gave me. I just wish more people would turn to the God and give their life to Jesus and find a good bible based church that is supportive and nurturing.
@Daniel Leslie I would like to hear more, Daniel. I hadn't read your post before tonight. If you are hurting it is best to let it out in full. After all, we are not used to being heard in narcissistic homes when we are not allowed or encouraged to be separate people. We feel invisible. Please don't give up on God. When you are in emotional pain, it is easy to see God as yet again someone else who is not going to be on your side. You see God as a finger wagging control freak heaping rules and commandments on you that makes you feel bad. Believe me, Jesus Christ is nothing like that kind of father. Please pray to God to help you guide your way and give you the courage to do his will. Don't give up if you find it hard. Just do what God tells you to do and don't be persuaded by any messages that tells you otherwise.
MIFNP oh my! Is your mother related to mine???? Mine does the EXACT THING
Please Please Please do more videos on the narcissistic parents, from a parent child perspective and from an in law perspective and it's affect on a marriage. Great job on all your content!!! Kudos to you!!!👌👌👌👏👏👏👏
PLEASE do more on more on kids of narcissist parents! There is SO little out there on the subject - a chapter in a book usually. I finally left just shy of 20 years of marriage. I stayed the last 15 solely to protect (or buffer - because you can never protect) my kids. Now he's killing them. My oldest has spent years in therapy over him and is slowly starting to learn how to deal with him. She has also greatly reduced their contact. Now, my son is his target and his twin sister is "the chosen one". On Monday was the straw that broke the camels back for me. He's KILLING my son's with his mind games. Makes him feel like a failure every day of his life. He's flying to me tomorrow because my ex kicked him out of his house for the 3rd time in 6 months for ridiculous things. He's flying home to me tomorrow, thank God. He's killing his self-esteem, his heart, and his soul and I cannot watch anymore. He's 19 years old now. I feel like I have to start educating him on what his dad is. Not to ruin his relationship, but so that he can learn how to KEEP a relationship with him and not put up with his games anymore. Is that wrong? I feel like if he doesn't start putting the dots together my ex is going to truly break his spirit. And then there's my other daughter still believing in him. My God, what's going to happen to her, all alone with him? Will she become his new Target? Or will he turn to the girlfriend? She's going to eventually feel abandoned, which is so not the case. I feel she's subconsciously keeping her distance to please him, and losing herself. Help. Please write more on the subject!
I would love that too. As well as crazy mother in laws. Although I’m lucky, mine is on her death bed right now.😃Praise Hekate.
Full blown narcissistic father and a mother with narcissistic behavior.
Almost 50 still working it out
28 and discovering I don’t have to bear my parents personal issues and allow them to make me feel guilty
Why didn’t I see this earlier? I almost wanted to end my life before because of my narcissistic mother
minhso12 Yup, decades of suicide attempts here.
So well said. I am 65 and my Narcissistic mother is 90. Over the years I have recognized the ugliness of her treatment of me. At her age with me being the only one around, responsibility for her care has fallen upon me. She uses demeaning language to get her way. I have warned her to ask in a non-threatening manner. Her response predictably is that she is always wrong breaking down into tears. Eventually, I have stopped doing most the responsibilities. Being narcissistic, she refused to get help especially through public services. I gave her no choice and she had to accept external help because otherwise she could not go shopping for food, go to the doctor, or get laundry done. She is living at home with people coming to her place four times a week to help her and drive her. It is rare that I will drive her anywhere. I continue to see her about once a week. I reduced the time to a few hours. I dread going but feel that I need to check in on her. Often, I need to figure out what is fact or fiction that she says. She still can’t figure out that she is cause of her situation. I constantly battle in my mind with the things she has done and her versions of it. I continue to be torn between responsibility and how she treats me. She has the ability to charm people in a very immature way which makes it hard to explain to outsiders. I am so troubled about the whole thing.
Learn to trust your intuitions more fully. Dr. C
M Mansfield, my mother and situation are similar to yours. After a lifetime of abuse I stopped helping also. Dr. Carter's advice to listen to your intuition rather than succumb to "shoulds" and social pressure is spot-on.
E XACTLY!
M Mansfield, I am 63 and your mother and mine could be twins. She drove my siblings away with her hateful comments and mental abuse. That left only me for her to abuse. I ended up having a mental breakdown because of her. Then she was angry with me because I was sick. Last year I made the decision to go no contact. Her care (when she isn't faking it) will have to be managed by the state or other agencies, because I value my sanity and well being. I will never have anything to do with her again, enough is enough. I no longer feel guilty, and neither should you. Narc's are very skilled at using guilt as a tool. I feel free and peaceful for the first time in my life, I wish the same for you.
You may want to read the book, "Your Turn for Care - Surviving the Aging and Death of the Adults Who Harmed You". Maybe it will help as you are certainly not alone.
WOW, thanks for this. Honestly. When you said, "YOU OWE ME", I felt it in my heart. This really helps me hold "No Contact" with my aging parents. I don't want to sacrifice myself, nor do I have to. Thank you.
Kudos to staying no contact with aging parents. Abuse doesn't stop being abusive just because someone is old or infirm. NOBODY has the right to abuse another human being, even from a sickbed.
Good grief it took me 56 years to figure out what in the heck was wrong with my little family and parents. I could be the poster child for this podcast! The problem now is I separated myself from most of them but being an only child I long for family and allow them back in after months of silence. It never works out, only gets worse. The old saying it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks is absolutely correct. It's like I revert back to the inner child and submit then anger sets in. So frustrating.
I feel more comfortable and welcoming talking to my friends parents, uncles, than I do with my own parents. Its a shame really. And I’m 21 now
I have a 2nd cousin who I have only visited twice (overseas). She feels like more of a mother than mine ever did :( I'm 56.... better late than never I suppose. Don't let that be you.
Narcissistic Parent: "You owe me"
You: "No,You Owe Me"
Watch how they react next...🤔🤔🤔 I think the Parent will be ticked of/pissed of by the given statement.
hahah...I will surely try this in my narc parents :) Thanks.
I noticed today they purposely let you get yourself in trouble to then be needed. Once you're aware of that, there is only one thing to do. Do not go back to them. Stay with yourself. You got you, God got you, the universe got you. They ain't getting none of your light.
You ‘owe’ me is The very foundation for their terrible behavior.
As i listen to you sir, I feel more validated. It's about time at the age of 63, that i take back of my life. Thank you very much for all the videos you put out.
My mother first divorced my dad, married an abusive asshole to go on holiday with him then put me in government care, sold everything to move into a big city. Still I’m at fault due to having my dads genetics. I am just sick by now 31yo having spent most of my life depressed in bed.
Hi Faith 👋 I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? you can text me your mail so i can message you. Thanks God bless you….
Please get out of your bed and start LIVING!!
"I don't want YOU to ever stop needing ME" - WOW! ... maybe that's the core fear & M.O. of narcissists/narcissistic behavior - fear of abandonment! I get new insight to their thinking & response techniques with every new video! THANK YOU SO MUCH! SOOOoooo Helpful!!!
Just keep reading, watching videos, and learn learn learn. It's uncanny how his family and he, have so many narcissist things in common. Needy, needy people, including my husband. Sorry ladies, he's taken
You're welcome. Dr. C
@Ice Maid
I think it's just what I mentioned ... they're afraid of being abandoned / alone, therefore they keep their children dependant on them so they won't/can't/aren't able to leave.
@Ice Maid
Well, either that, or simply demonic - if they ENJOY stifling someone's growth (like a Chinese bound foot)!
It's called engulfing and they want to run the child's life and control them that way by keeping them dependent.
Marrying into a family like this was like entering the twilight zone.
I say was because my husband and I cut contact once I became the scapegoat. I never want to go back to the twilight zone
I had an abusive father and negligent mother. My father was a sadistic bully and I was his scapegoat. My mother started screaming at me when I was very young when I expressed my first opinion about the color of a rug. She told me she was never going to listen to “a little S#*T kid”. I couldn’t have any thoughts, feelings, needs, wants or ask a single question. She showed disdain and rejected me. She got mad if I got sick. I kept everything, even serious pain inside. I lived in FEAR. When I was in my twenties I had a serious eye injury and lost everything. They called ME the devil and told me they wanted me to kill myself. There was never any love or support at all, that’s for sure. I’m just glad they’re dead and gone. It’s an immense relief to know I’ll never have to see them again!
Sabotage, scapegoating, fear, unpredictability, constant "you're not good enough," "you're ugly," and threats. Oh.. and alleged surveillance. I was not safe from the time my younger sister was born. I was two years old...
I have recently had to go no contact.My mother has always hated my husband,for no other reason than he isn`t rich.Both my parents were so disappointed that I didn`t make it big in showbusiness .
She finds fault with lots of things I do.I am a good person,my husband is a good person and has done jobs for her when she has asked.She calls people names behind their backs and says upsetting things to me about my husband.
I have a happy marriage and I couldnt understand why she had always been extremely difficult and nasty.So recently I started to read up on Narcissists and realized that that is what my mum is.
I lost my dad last year.As my dad got sicker I took her to hospital every day to see him ,taking him meals so he could eat some good home cooking right to the end of his life.I have my two children at home too(we home school) and was working so you can imagine I was busy.I also have Hypothyroidism so I am extremely tired all the time.
She expected me to do everything as well,things like helping her with her patio,taking her shopping at least twice a week all the time I was with her she would say really uncomfortable things.Crossing boundaries,taking to me like I was someone who didnt matter.She started saying that my 2 children need to be in school(even though they are taking GCSE exams next year and are way in front of the national curriculum in schools)
She said I should be putting HER first above anyone! Then last week she send me a nasty letter calling my husband and saying I was with THE WRONG ONE.(We have been together for 25 years,he was the one that rescued me from their madness.)
Also saying that a psychic had told her years ago that I was with the wrong one.
So I have had to put my own sanity, health and happiness first and that of my husband and children and have gone no contact.Thank you for your Vlogs ,they have really helped me to realise that its not me that`s bad and I am allowed to be me finally.
Omg,its like Iam reading my story!My mom also picks on my housband even tho hes so good to her and do all the work for our houses,but if he says one thing that she is not agreed with she will get outraged at him,cos hes speaking the truth and want his apologie!He know how difficoult she is and cos hes got good emotional intelect he knows the way to be around her as do I,but sometimes if were together longer and her constant drama he just cant keep quiet-last two weeks we came back from Egipt trip,wich she ruined for us,and he said only why she needs command us early in the morning and that was enough for the fight and silent treatment and know she wants an apologie from him!Its crazy cos every other day she did some drama and burst in anger for no reason and know she only sees what my housband said to her!But she just cant admit that everywhere she goes something is wrong!If were alone we never fight with no one,but when shes around is the drama always!Of course he wont apologize,he is quite happy if shes not around and now she writes to me and blame shift and wants recognition on what a victom she is!Iam so tired of the drama always around her if I didnt have my spiritual practice I would gone mad!Few years back I needed medice for enxiety and antidepresant but now I know its nothing wrong with me and Iam taking my "power"back trough knowing who I really am deep down and she sees she has less and less a grip on my soul!Now I dont know only if I should write her back or not? I want this argue to stop and dont even want to open her eyes anymore(I tried that for long time) I just want to show her Iam over that and give her my love no matter what.We cant change others we can only change ourseves and if we shine a light to dark place even the darkness doesnt seem so dark anymore..Iam sending you my love and wishing you lots of light&joy in your life!😇💕
@@pukljica That is very kind of you ,love back to you too.xx Yes a very sad situation isnt it?They will never change and the child of a Narcissist will always live in hope that the parent will suddenly be good and chill out and love their child,family etc....But it isnt going to happen.This morning she called me I didnt answer the phone but she left a message .She said "Jeanette,are you alright? (sounding pathetically concerned) I was going to phone the police...... phone me back...ok" NUTS OR WHAT??? So basically because I have gone no contact she is threatening to phone the police because she thinks something bad has happened to me!!! How controlling ,she knows what she has done,she must remember all the bad verbal abuse and her nasty letter to me last week.So she wants a response as she isnt getting any Narcissistic fuel. I had to come away from her ,it was upsetting me too much .I hope you can stay calm and use your spiritual beliefs to keep you calm.Blessings to you.xx
JS. I think we have the Same mother.
This is all new to me. I'm learning to say no and I'm drawing my lines in the sand!
Jus lik my story, my mother hates my husband cuz he earns less than me. She tries to always say mean things and create problems between me and my husband. Always brings in topics like you don have this or that where in reality me and my husband make good money amd live a happy life. We are in peace now after going no contact, still she hoovers a lot but we are sure we wont let her back again.
Walk away at all costs
My fatber always used to remind me even today, "There's nobody who will ever love you as much as parents do! We will never want anything bad for you, if you listen to me you will ne happy." I believed that and never ever asked for anything that I wanted for my happiness yet they were never happy with any of my accomplishments all done at the cost of my mental wellbeing. I give up being theirs anymore.
It is really sad that it genuinely confused me to think and BELIEVE that i am a separate being from my family - particularly my mother.