The relationship between Sessions and Trump reminds me of the abusive husband/wife relationships. The husband (Trump) physically (verbally) abuses the wife (Sessions), but she(he) sticks around because she(he) believes that if she(he) loves him enough, that he will change and be a good man.
I was going to say something similar. He reminds me of one of those lifetime movies where a woman falls for a man, and slowly finds out what a monster he really is. Oh sessions, you thought you were going to live happily ever after when you endorsed trump, now look at you, on your knees with a black eye saying, “yes dear, what ever you say dear”. I’d feel bad for him if I wasn’t so busy laughing
Sessions: "All right, listen. The Mueller's an investigation unit: part man, part machine. Underneath, it's a hyper-legal combat chassis, microprocessor-controlled. Fully armored; very tough. But outside, it's living human tissue: flesh, skin, hair, blood - grown for the prosecutor." Trump: "But I can just fire him." Sessions: "Pay attention! I gotta recuse myself......The Comey series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy. But these are new, they look human. Sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him." Trump: "But I'm the President!" Sessions: "Listen, and understand! That Special Prosecutor is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are indicted!" The Muellinator. It'll get ya.
Monologue Order: 1. Donald Trump Is Coming For Your Guns 2. Hope Hicks Is Way Too Good At Goodbyes (And Good Lies) 3. 'Tough Cookie' Jeff Sessions Defends Himself Against Trump's Attacks
Get your state to play ball first. At least Sessions is the elf we know.... one day, we'll have a NORML POTUS, a balanced budget, a thriving hemp industry (which means cleaner food and healthier people).... opportunities for everyone, a lighter tax burden.... That little frightened man gives me energy to help make this happen in Michigan. Hempcrete could be the way to save our infrastructure, too. I will refrain from preaching to the choir, JD, my kindred spirit. Have a Blue Dream-y day! Or whatever your "session" herb of choice may be.
Just Duffy sorry those priorities need to wait. If sessions goes then trump could appoint a lackey who wouldn't be "recused" and could then get rid of rosenstein/mueller. As much as I can't stand sessions, him leaving would be a very bad thing for the investigation.
Just Duffy oh and remember the dea/fda/whichever agency is responsible refused to even change the scheduling of marijuana under *obama* so even if sessions goes the likelihood of it being federally legalized is still slim to none.
Trump to his teacher: "But, but but, Johnny over there.. he ummm.. he tripped someone.. That's way worse.. I mean he's the bad kid.. I didn't do anything.. ".. umm.. yeah right.. Teacher says, while holding the shorts of Bobby that were hung up the flag pole"..
"Is it bigger than a breadbox?" comes from Steve Allen as panelist on the What's My Line? TV-show that ran from 1950 to 1967. Great show, almost all episodes are available on TH-cam. th-cam.com/users/WhatsMyLineCBS
It's like Diaries of a Madman with a Twist of understanding the mentally impaired.. at this point, I envy those on the Hindenburg because at least their deaths were quick.. Jared lost his privileges because he's so naive, he would trade State secrets for hair gel and trump is so unstable he makes nitroglycerin look like freakin water for God's sake..he can't even see a logical sentence he's currently speaking to the end without completely doing a 180... as JonTron once said: Lord..where are you going with this shit?..
Oh No, you do know Cersei Lannister was the only survivor when she killed all of her enemies by blowing up the Great Sept Of Baelor...we can't let that happen. He needs to be inside the church.
I have only read the books but all I can say is that they BOTH get rid of competent people to surround themselves with yes men, and then are surprised when those yes men turn out to be incompetent and end up firing them
So is this cookie also an advertisement for that product? Feels like I've seen more and more of that sort of thing sneak into the monoloques recently. Used to be more open, no?
AND THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. 😂
The cookie gag will just not get old for me, I love it!!!😂😂😂
I do declare I really love cookiesessions, good sir!
Trump is a coward he doesn't have the nerve to face Session so he text insults.
Coming soon: the epic showdown between the cookie and the pumpkin.
I’m rooting for the cookie!
Pumpkin spice sessions... the next big halloween craze
Jerricola I luv cookies on momma🤣🤣Fuck my pumpkin, orange juice,/Orange now an later looking ass bruh😐
"You know who"? So lord voldemort?
Fusel I'm glad I wasn't the only person thinking that! 😀
Exactly what I was thinking too! 😂
Fudgey center?
THAT’S NOT JEFF SESSIONS! THAT’S AN IMPOSTER!!
Everyone knows he’s 100% pure vanilla.
FaeQueenCory 😂😂
Jeff Sessions would only fight back against Trump if someone feeds him after midnight.
This genuinely made me laugh. 😂😂😂
stop😭😭😭
Or maybe once someone gives him his precious.
Sessions looks much bigger on TV.
The camera adds ten calories.
😂😂
"... and possibly 5 to 10.." haha, Colbert is awesome
You are just getting better and better Colbert . Support the kids , # NeverAgain
Cookies are nice. Sessions is not.
Just like that racist human being, too! You got it!
LMAO is it bigger than a bread box😂😂
"... and by somebody, I'm talking about 'you know who'!"
Yes, we know who: *Mr. Magoo!*
Keebler Elf vs Citrus President 😂😂😂😂😂😂
On the next "Anyoning orange."
Kinda disappointed Stephen didn't eat Jeff at the end. :P
Midnight Sonnet Oh my...
Don’t you think he’s waiting for Jeff to be fired to eat him? Stephen’s playing the long game on this bit
Think he decided that it takes too long.
Midnight Sonnet ....I think S.C prefers Oreos!!!
Yeah eating on set took a little too long a few weeks ago :p
Brilliant.
What a Stephen! Gotta love him.
Posted on twitter, like a true coward. Say it to his face!
It's possible that some patriot disconnected the Oval Office phone?
Cookie Jeff Sessions is my favorite!
"I don't recall Sir" .... JS
*Suh
Is it bigger than a bread box?
No? Jeff Sessions.
Best part of the whole show.
The relationship between Sessions and Trump reminds me of the abusive husband/wife relationships. The husband (Trump) physically (verbally) abuses the wife (Sessions), but she(he) sticks around because she(he) believes that if she(he) loves him enough, that he will change and be a good man.
TheReal008Zulu Or more likely, she’s scared shitless that he’ll ruin or kill her. That’s how DV works in most cases.
I was going to say something similar. He reminds me of one of those lifetime movies where a woman falls for a man, and slowly finds out what a monster he really is. Oh sessions, you thought you were going to live happily ever after when you endorsed trump, now look at you, on your knees with a black eye saying, “yes dear, what ever you say dear”. I’d feel bad for him if I wasn’t so busy laughing
TheReal008Zulu, s(he) sticks around because s(he) doesn't 'recall' the past abuse he did to her/him
Sessions: "All right, listen. The Mueller's an investigation unit: part man, part machine. Underneath, it's a hyper-legal combat chassis, microprocessor-controlled. Fully armored; very tough. But outside, it's living human tissue: flesh, skin, hair, blood - grown for the prosecutor."
Trump: "But I can just fire him."
Sessions: "Pay attention! I gotta recuse myself......The Comey series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy. But these are new, they look human. Sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him."
Trump: "But I'm the President!"
Sessions: "Listen, and understand! That Special Prosecutor is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are indicted!"
The Muellinator. It'll get ya.
oddly, I'm no longer hungry for cookies.
he said, "you know who" should be looking after it. That's, of course, Lord Voldemort!
He could be Beetlejuice!
That was one tough little cookie 😄
Now I want cookies.
This completely cracks me up.
This is hilarious! Did Stephen voice the chicken lawyer on Futurama? I get a kick outta that, too!
Does Keebler royalty for using the cookie as a prop?
I wanna see Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump in a duel together.
Austin Faulds With Duel of Fates in the background?
Austin Faulds: Something like AR-15s under the live oaks at dawn, perhaps?
There are ten things you need to know...
I'd like to see Roseann kick the orange shit outta Trumpty Dumpty.
He can't duel, he's got bone spurs
Monologue Order:
1. Donald Trump Is Coming For Your Guns
2. Hope Hicks Is Way Too Good At Goodbyes (And Good Lies)
3. 'Tough Cookie' Jeff Sessions Defends Himself Against Trump's Attacks
boonlincoln thanks
:slow clap:
You're a saint, thank you!
You know, you could have taken this opportunity to post something truly helpful and informative, like "first"!
Why do people keep quoting trump like he's a real president? He just isn't. I don't know what he is, but he isn't a president.
I love when Stephen says “I do declare...” 😊
Quickly becoming my favourite segment
All Trump ever says is "things", "you know who" , "that person", "those people"....the man has the vocabulary of a 6 year old
Did Colbert wash that cookie? because last time i saw it, it was fudgey on both sides..
“Is it bigger than a bread box?” Wonder how many people caught that reference (What’s My Line?)
Perhaps Sessions is best
in cookie form
:3
Colbert just wanted to play with that cookie lmao
Out here in the Hinterlands we call that "growing a pair".
“I’m one tough cookie “ 😂😂
Sessions with a fudge center? Ha ha, now you have riled him!
Stephen Colbert is the best. LOL
Sessions hit a nerve! Trump hiding something?
Why can't Jeff Sessions bring back that white chocolate stripe cookie Keebler use to make? Wait! is Sessions an elf or is he Smeagol?
Ooo a guessing game lol
The Keebler elf bit kills me every time.
Utter Comic Genious..."i do declare". HAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh gawd no, please don't bite the cookie...the bitter bitter little cookie
It's uncanny how accurate that Keebler cookie looks like the AG.
I admire standing up to Trump but if Sessions gets fired, weed might actually get legalized soon... so sorry Jeff, but I got my priorities...
Get your state to play ball first.
At least Sessions is the elf we know.... one day, we'll have a NORML POTUS, a balanced budget, a thriving hemp industry (which means cleaner food and healthier people).... opportunities for everyone, a lighter tax burden....
That little frightened man gives me energy to help make this happen in Michigan.
Hempcrete could be the way to save our infrastructure, too. I will refrain from preaching to the choir, JD, my kindred spirit.
Have a Blue Dream-y day! Or whatever your "session" herb of choice may be.
what state do you live in? WA state is raking in the dough! job creation, competitive marketing. all states should be legal.
Just Duffy sorry those priorities need to wait. If sessions goes then trump could appoint a lackey who wouldn't be "recused" and could then get rid of rosenstein/mueller. As much as I can't stand sessions, him leaving would be a very bad thing for the investigation.
Just Duffy oh and remember the dea/fda/whichever agency is responsible refused to even change the scheduling of marijuana under *obama* so even if sessions goes the likelihood of it being federally legalized is still slim to none.
Legal states will NEVER give up the tax revenue despite what Jeff says.
Lol omg I was dying off of a cookie..
Trump for PRISON 2018
Cookie Sessions is the best Sessions
Trump to his teacher: "But, but but, Johnny over there.. he ummm.. he tripped someone.. That's way worse.. I mean he's the bad kid.. I didn't do anything.. ".. umm.. yeah right.. Teacher says, while holding the shorts of Bobby that were hung up the flag pole"..
Did they start playing an Old Dirty Bastard song at the end? If so, props to them.
Damn that cookie looks delicious.
trump is a bully!
"Is it bigger than a breadbox?" comes from Steve Allen as panelist on the What's My Line? TV-show that ran from 1950 to 1967. Great show, almost all episodes are available on TH-cam. th-cam.com/users/WhatsMyLineCBS
That fucken cookie lol
Jeff Sessions looks like the grandpa from Luck of the Irish. Who else sees it?
When certain parts remind you of Hamilton and Lord Voldemort
The man bites his nails..lol
Where does he keep getting Elfudge cookies!
I was hoping he'll eat that cookie
"By somebody I mean, you know who!... by you know who I mean, that person... by that person I mean what's his name!... by what's his name... "
if "I do not recall" never worked when you stole cookies .... wtf
Jeff Sessions as the Keebler elf: effing brilliant...my fudgy center.
*elfing brilliant
Otherwise: correct.
Bruce Baker...well done! “Elfing” it is!
THIS TRAIN WREAK IS STILL ROLLING!!
*wreck.
Er... *WRECK
Stephen Colbert has some nice cut nails 2:17 👏
I don't trust anyone with flat nails like his :(
I look forward to the day when Stephen will host the whole show as Jeff the cookie.
Was that O.D.B. at the end there?
It's like Diaries of a Madman with a Twist of understanding the mentally impaired.. at this point, I envy those on the Hindenburg because at least their deaths were quick.. Jared lost his privileges because he's so naive, he would trade State secrets for hair gel and trump is so unstable he makes nitroglycerin look like freakin water for God's sake..he can't even see a logical sentence he's currently speaking to the end without completely doing a 180... as JonTron once said: Lord..where are you going with this shit?..
Trump even made fun of Session's elvin heritage.
Sessions truly is a man from a bygone era. Specifically the pre-Civil War South.
On another note, my channel does weekly news updates. Check it out
I wonder if EL Fudge cookies have seen an increase in sales because of Jeff Sessions. It’s fun to bite his head off
Was that "shimmy shimmy ya" by ODB at the end of monologue?
Must have been some fudge in the woodpile way back in the Dixie Pixie's lily white lineage.
Really!
Sir Stephen has cute hands. 😁
Trump is like Cersei Lannister
Oh No, you do know Cersei Lannister was the only survivor when she killed all of her enemies by blowing up the Great Sept Of Baelor...we can't let that happen. He needs to be inside the church.
the only thing they have in common is a desire to commit incest. cercei's character is way too intelligent to compare to Trump
I have only read the books but all I can say is that they BOTH get rid of competent people to surround themselves with yes men, and then are surprised when those yes men turn out to be incompetent and end up firing them
What does "the other side" have to do with Lord Voldemort? And do they have cookies?
I want to eat that cookie so bad.
Gotta hand it to sessions: he's his own man. He seems to be focussed on doing his job instead of pleasing trump.
You know who? VOLDEMORT OML VOLDEMORT
Hahahaha hahaha hahahshahaha HAHAHA hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahah 👏👏👏👏😂
There's literally nothing fudgey about Jeff Sessions.
ok. does anyone know why there is distortion whenever there is movement on the screen?
Trump really needs some friends to talk to.
That thumbnail looked like ecstasy
So is this cookie also an advertisement for that product? Feels like I've seen more and more of that sort of thing sneak into the monoloques recently. Used to be more open, no?
Why is the music at the end so much louder then the show?
LOL
“You know who”. El peje?
Holy shit! Is somebody editing Drumpf's Twitter? That's the first one I've seen that doesn't have Ridiculous Capitalization of All the Words.
Is anyone else *slightly* annoyed but John's "yeeeeeeah" in he outro?
FAKE NEWS Jeff is filled with white cream, not chocolate. SAD