5 Steps To Get An Avoidant Man To Open Up ~ Unlock His Heart
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- 5 Steps To Get An Avoidant Man To Open Up ~ Unlock His Heart
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Have you ever experienced an emotionally distant or avoidant man? If you answered yes, I'm sure it was rather frustrating and it might not have felt safe (emotionally).
Being in a relationship with someone who fears intimacy can create a lot of drama because the person who wants more often can be demanding which creates more separation.
Here's the thing, if a person is avoidant or distant, it doesn't mean they can't open up in the long run.
In today's video, we are going to explore some simple steps to inspire your partner to open up and also help them tap into their heart. There is a process for a person to feel safe emotionally and my hope is that this video helps you in your life.
Let's talk about... 5 Steps To Get An Avoidant Man To Open Up ~ Unlock His Heart
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The trick is to NOT get attached... Until you have a healthy person who is emotionally and mentally stable and not a crazy selfish Narcissist or some other mental abusive nutcase asshole.
Agree. Too many of these men out there think they're a great catch.
I just want to have a beautiful, loving honest relationship without having to get a PhD first. Good Lord. I was married nearly 30 years and dating at 51 is not fun.
newinhaven no shit. I’ve dealt with 55 and 46 and no different. Maturity is not there. I’m done. If I’m meant to be with someone it will happen otherwise I just don’t care. I’m happy with myself. I always take care if my own needs .
That’s what I’m afraid of and I’m 23
That Jamerican Kidd don’t be afraid, just live your life and be true to yourself. Let fall away what’s not for you. I was married at your age and it’s a bit easier in terms of then when your 50 where people have more history , hurts and baggage. Not minimizing you at all but you’ll be fine.
TripleFire 1969 history means nothing if the relationships was shit, pardon my language
Isn't that the TRUTH!!!! 😂😂😂
Step 1: Understand why this person is afraid of intimacy
Step 2: Understand his love language
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Physical Touch
4. Acts of Service
5. Gifts
Step 3: Lead by example (emotional maturity)
1. Your actions match your words
2. Take personal responsibility for your choices
3. Learning how to fight fair
4. Empathy and accepting his feelings as the way he interprets his feelings
5. Transparency: share your feelings
Step 4: Begin making small requests (rather than major requests) for your needs, wants, and desires
Step 5: Be patient and accepting
We understand it were on the outside looking in...its the introverts that don't see it themselves.
@@angelathibodeau9024 As an introvert myself, I disagree with that completely. This is an avoidant trait, not an introvert trait - the two are not synonymous.
I'm an introverted avoidant (in a happy relationship) and I so love this video. I know I haven't made it easy for my girlfriend, but now she is my future wife.
@@Musicaltariq777 I have a DA boyfriend and I have been following the advice on this channel that resonates with my situation (not all of it does) but this video DEFINITELY does and I'm so happy. Jonathon's messages about having compassion started me thinking differently than I might otherwise have and I'm so so happy
Nailed it!!
Yah. That two way street part you mention at the end. THAT'S the problem. Men don't seem to understand this and all the work seems to be getting left up to us women and frankly, I'm exhausted.
Me too, Deirdre Curran
100% can relate w the exhaustion of learning a new type of disorder every time I get close to someone 😐
@@marystuart2769 ive seen gals do the same thing. It's not just guys
Same.
Makes no sense to desire an emotional immature toddler. How tiring and you can't change them in this life time.
I am exhausted! Don’t wanna leave him but my mental health is at stake..
💯 accurate! Emotionally avoidant people just need to trust that we are worthy of love. We avoid being vulnerable because the fear of rejection is so real and warranted. Don’t write them off just because you don’t understand why or how he/she came to be like this.
I so agree. ♥️
I might understand how he became this way, but it can still be a very painful experience to love an avoidant person. We all would like to have some love and caring coming back to us.
Issues should be dealt with by therapists. Functional people need functional partners, not patients. Getting stuck into 'repairing' work with other person's issues is rarely rewarding, mostly waste of time and energy. How and why you become broken is subject for your therapist. People get too stuck with reasons why someone is not functional, responsive or interested - waste of time and energy. It's not important why - for you as a potential partner of the person with issues. Just move on. Find a partner, not a patient. Someone functional and available who wants the same things that you want and who wants them now and with you. The rest is waste of time. You'll end up rarely rewarded and more often with time lost, frustration gained, bitterness and lack of confidence.
I have an insecure attachment and I am afraid of rejection all the time, so much so that I avoid making demands and I am afraid asking for what I need or ask questions... but I know I can't be like this with my avoidant boyfriend, I want to work on that aspect of my personality...for my relationship and for myself in general.
@@Kiky812 the first step
Is noticing what you do and trying to change how you respond or over think things. Wishing you well 💛
Attached is a great book, for all daters. The one thing I do disagree with in the book there is no way 50% of people have secure attachment. Think it less than 30% if not less. The older you date, the more avoidants in the pool and most have been divorced rather than never married single. So..they are harder to detect because you falsely assume because someone was married 20 years no way can they be avoidant. Reality is, it is probably the top attachment style. The book, regardless needs to be read by anyone in a relationship and especially if you are dating.
YES YES YES! I agree... there's no way it's 50% secure, I bet it's less than 20%
I agree there’s got to be more avoidant types than secure. Especially in the new dating age so many people with commitment issues. So this is a great time 4 dating coaches as everyone is struggling & don’t understand why they can’t find someone for a relationship. Mainly as women are dating avoidant type men and women are most likely anxious types which explains all the drama, ghosting experience, pulling away hot and cold.
I think in different cultures/countries the numbers may very. People in certain countries have no commitment issues. It’s a very western thing. I still don’t think it’s 50%.
Mariama s maybe in Europe, but definitely not in third-world countries (which is majority of the world population). I’m speaking as someone who was born and raised in the Middle East and let me tell you the psychological damage you go through due to poverty + war makes intergenerational trauma so prevalent. Most people I have encountered (including my own family) fit under the avoidant attachment style - very detached and unconscientious. I too question the accuracy of the secure attachment percentage being 50% if they are referring to the total population.
Dani interesting to hear another perspective. Environment and childhood experiences do play a large part in determining what a attachment style someone turns out to be. I have an west African background myself and I find most men are quite eager to commit and settle down if they have the means(money etc).
Jonathon, you have spoken several times on lead by example I just want to say this is always an excellent thing, not only with men, with kids, with probably anybody. What never works is attempting to change them, but what seems to always work is accepting them exactly as they are and simply opening them up to other options via your example. Again, you are simply brilliant. Greatly appreciate you.
I so agree with @Linda Curtis
I did get him to open up and he still broke up with me. He is an anxious/avoidant . He had a very chaotic/ traumatic upbringing. I gave him your book.
He should get it today. I ordered it the day before he broke up with me. 3 year relationship.
He's a good guy, like you always say good guys who don't have the skills to be in a healthy relationship.
I could go on and on....
PS. Does anyone go on to have a healthy relationship after addressing their issues, healing, and self development? It would be nice to hear some success stories!
J- hers my deal. I wasn’t all attached or “ anxious” until I got with him. So now I’m the crazy freak according to all of this. ? I love you but I am so confused on how when j show all of my love to my ex - bc I did that I’m the “needy “one. ? I don’t know you know? I just don’t under how bc I showed my love and feelings to him I get labeled as a needy ass woman? I am not trying to be rude I’m just so upset here.
Wish I had understood about attachment styles earlier. I might have somehow saved myself a heartbreak over an avoidant guy, or at least might have taken that rejection less personally.
How do I kno if the g uy I like is avoidant or just isn't interested in me?
Two sides of coin. Fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. One step forward, two back. Lot of patience, understanding, empathy and completely aware of your fears and other issues to standing on your own feet (healed codependency etc). Living together means two separated rooms for time to time through the healing process. Realization of situation and be able to take the relationships as it is.
By fearful avoidant to secure girl, long road, lifetime self work (inc shadow work).
On point.
Also thank you so much for being the only relationship coach I’ve found that isn’t sexist and sees the power in people’s character and equal ability to meet in the middle this is such a refreshing and balanced view on relationships
What do you mean by isn't sexist? Just curious 🤔
We do need dating university in order to pass the relationship.
Don't waste your time with men like this.....you will never change them. Find someone else...
Agree! Don't waste your time with avoidant men. Years will pass by and you'll get nowhere with them. Find a man who's really into you!
Or wait til they’re well into their 50’s or older . They start to get better with age - at least mine is . I met him 16 years ago and left him alone very quickly . I checked back in 3 years ago and he still wasn’t ready . 2020 he turned 54 and finally was ready for a relationship 😅 and he’s really opening up and impressing the crap out of me . 9 months in and things are going very well .
Right you are!!🎯
@@1maybeline agreed!!
@@carolinelaronda4523 you are patient
I wish I knew how to handle our differences before... Instead I would avoid and get into dramatic moments. Great video!!
Hello Grace ,
I know this might not be the best place to say, but you’re looking very beautiful and your smile.. is out of this world.
Idk when they are abused or had emotional 😭 anorexia or narc spectrum they are
Fighting for the life of the false self and protect the inner wounded child. Little empathy
This video was made for me. How am I just seeing it now?! How much time does it usually take? It's frustrating bc he came on strong first telling me he'd come visit. I caught up and then he takes steps back. Ughh😥
Yes, help on this please
This man wants to keep seeing me he works a lot out of state hes like a onion I'm gonna have to peel him layer by layer through lots of prayer and showing him the love of Jesus through me His dad was a biblical scholar so he knows not to take advantage of a Christian woman. But his past prior experience has made him emotionally hard to reach
Seems like I always attract the avoidance Man 👨🙄🙄🙄😔😫
I give up Johnathan. He's physically distant via 2 hours away and he's moving at a snail's pace. Text text text. He's absolutely clueless, and I have already told him that I wanted in person activities. He's way too busy in his job. Hope he finds " the One" he's looking for because obviously, I am not her.
Trust your instincts. The right man will make you a priority.
My husband of 10 years is avoidant dismissive and he has been working on it for years. Many books read (including most of those you mention in your videos) and many counselors later and it’s still taking it day by day. It seems to be 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, never quite getting that permanent progress. I wish I could find just one person with a success story about avoidants! Do you know of any support groups for spouses of avoidants? Thank you, love you videos! 🙏🏻💕
There is a group called sex and l9ve addicts that deals with men and women who are love avoidants.
Thank you, is this on Facebook?
Hello Kristin, I´m sending You link to the brilliant therapist. She´s got school and teach real tools to change the attachment style there. university.personaldevelopmentschool.com :-) th-cam.com/video/RlET49OeHSY/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/q_pXTEWo1ac/w-d-xo.html
Hope it helps. :-)
Tyna
Question: Can a man become avoidant as a result of bad relationships in adulthood?
Seems like past wounds from past relationships keep certain men from opening up and trusting ...like “ all women are the same mentality “ I think this goes the same for women. Trust is a big deal and feeling safe in order to open up.
This video was great and helpful. Volume was low. And I just watched another video before this one and you got to get over the glasses thing glasses are sexy!! Everybody wears glasses now for fashion or for being able to see words on paper silly!! Glasses look nice on you. 🤓😁
Women: DO NOT go out of your way to “convince” an avoidant man to show up! FORGET HIM! FIND A REAL GIVING MAN! Avoidant men are such a waste of energy and time! LET THAT TODDLER GO!
Thank you, Jonathan! Would love higher volume!
Speaking from experience, I would encourage everyone out there to not expend too much energy on an emotionally unavailable person. It’s not your job. You can twist yourself into pretzel knots being an ideal partner, leading by example, etc… but, ultimately, that person will not change their mindset until they get proactive about it with therapy, etc.-and they may never do that, even flat-out refuse to do that. We should all be spending our precious energy on people who are emotionally healthy enough to meet us where we are, and not the other way around. We’re looking for partners-not projects.
Thank you. I'm in the beginning of trying to see and learn more about this man I knew 20 years ago, now. I like what you said about patience. And about small requests. And when you showed, with your hands, that an anxious attach style can be up here and avoidant down lower. Ans suggesting lowering needs. I really enjoyed this video. I don't want to read that book, but I would like to hear your version of a video about the four agreements!
Hey this channel is very good! I watched 6 videos in a row like pop corn and I feel so much wiser than before. Actually I knew this already but I needed this style hahaha thanks for being you :)
Wow, thanks!
What would you then consider small requests to be? Some examples, please.
One thing to help him relax during early in the dating is offer to give him a foot massage
Yes, then watch what he offers you, over time
Leo - now I understand perfectly why I know you are absolutely amazing, brilliant, and always right on the money. That one word just opened up a whole new understanding for me. Awesome webinar, by the way. Thank you so very much!
Yes, and we also call that an effing narcissist
Just saying.
I know there is more involved to a narcissistic personality, but avoidant is similar. In my experience anyway
And we know that a narcissistic personality type has decided in their childhood that the world is not a safe place and gone to protection mode. I believe a person can be both!
And I do own that I have had a victim type complex
So far I have attached and spiritual partnership I’m familiar with almost half of your list
Thanks Jonathon ☘️🌞🌈
What of he doesn't "speak" any of the 5 love languages?
I already know my “guy” character/personality I let him be himself no pushy to open up for me knowing ahead before getting too deep in a relationship is better for both as there is a saying (you can’t teach an old horse new tricks)
Hello, I love your video’s. They are excellent. However, the volume is really low tonight and I can’t hear you that well. 🤗
Get a doctorate in psychology to understand men nowadays. Sheesh.
My crush is totally detached and avoidant since he may have Aspergers and on top of that had parents that are ignorant as shit and not that very comforting. I'm exhausted from the work on trying to get his affection.
Shy If it is truly Aspergers, they can't change.
Wow, so in depth and very clear presentation, different from others. Love it, keep it up !
It's soo true! Tahnk You for that film,becouse You are the onle who didn't say "give him the space". When i was giving him space, he was running to his emocionaly safe place... That have no sense. He's a good man, only afraid to getting hurt.
As a Leo I provide all 5 love languages and expect them all in return 😏
Léo ♌ are such passionate lover's 😍😍🥵🥵🔥🔥
@@kirstiefisher6982 yes we are 🤗✨✨
Why expect? If you read the book most of us land on one or two of the love languages, truly. Your partner will have one or two.
I’m a Leo as well .. We are lovers. But we need it given back , totally agree! 🦁
...this was super helpful for me to understand myself and my partner's avoidance...thank you so much...he is a Leo too...and I'm a cancer
..ugh!
Thanks, Jonathan. You're helping me step by step to know how to communicate better with him and to bridge the gap.
Did u bridge that gap? Or did u have to give up ?
When he opens up in the daytime he'll say he loves me like a cousin and then he'll open up at night and claim he wanted me to be his girlfriend and for us to get married. I'm giving him no contact for the first time in a year. He adores me, but he's so immature. I moved on five times, but we never stop having fun together. One year and we still have much to know about each other.
This is beautiful, makes so much sense. Thank you again.
Just WAY TOO MUCH WORK.
Hi Jonathon Good AfterNoon Fron Singapore! What Steps To Take For A Woman Who Is Attached To A Avoidant Man That Seems NoWhere To Find Him & Missing Him Dearly? Why Did A Guy Go Away Or Avoid A Woman He Falls Really Hards For?
He doesn't love you that much. That is so simple. Why are we making it so complicated? Get over him... you have no other choice.
How Can You Be So Sure That A Guy Or A Man Just Wants To Have Fun Or A Woman Just A 'Booty-Calls'? Do You Really Knows Him From His Social NetWorkOr Social Circle? If You Have Nothing To Says Just Keep Your Mouth Shut! I Will Not Entertain Some People Who Is Rude Or Jealous Or Stupid Person's Without Thinking Straight? Maybe The Guy Has 'Power-Struggle Or Social-OutCast AKA Social-Stigma Blames On The War Of InterNet Blogger's Or Crazy Netizen Wanted Some Media Attention??? What Is Wrong With The Mellenia Or Mellium Era' Today's? Just Ignores Crazy Or Weird People's Who Seeks Attention Or Cyber-Bullie Who Is Sick Or Patectic In Their Head??? Have A Great Week & Good Night To You All Who Is So Damn Nosy-Poker & Gossips-Monger Who Ever Is Feeling's Like A Red Chillies Or Red Tomatoes Just Watch Out Who Is Attention-Seeker Or Just Have Nothing To Do?? Make Peace, Hate-War, Be Resilience & Positive Always!
SO I MET A GUY ONLINE- HE " CAME ON" TO ME- THEN KINDA DISAPPEARED- I TOLD HIM WHAT I THOUGHT WAS HIS ISSUE- FEARFUL AND BEEN HURT BEFORE-BASICALLY GET LOST OR GET WITH IT - AND RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVE RISK AND HE CAME BACK STRONG, SAID HE LIKED ME BETTER FOR TELLING IT LIKE IT IS AND IN HIS WORDS "KICKING HIS ASS!"LOL
This is exactly the video I needed to find thank you so much. Will be rewatching! A lot to process but soooo good
Thank you 😊
Impossible finding any of these men you talk about Johnathan !! You are talking about what percentage of men or women?? Are we to just pass out copies of this book to each person we are interested in? Help!
Yes... great idea
Can someone become avoidant because of relationship trauma in adulthood?
@Gabriella Ross Sorry to hear that. But wow thank you for sharing
Thanks again, this video was loaded with information. I had to watch it three times to process. It was well worth it. I will watch it again.
Thank you for suggesting the Attachment Book, it has been a game changer!
You're welcome... it's a GREAT book.
My bf and I broke up about 3 weeks ago, ugly fight thru texting and yes there are some things I need to apologize for. I have reached out to him once recently but he’s ignoring me. He is avoidant attachment and maybe emotionally immature but I really like him in so many other ways. How do I handle this? Advice reassurance etc would be appreciated.
When it comes to "handling" my advice has always been to love yourself. Loving on yourself and no attachment to the outcome will yield the best result for your heart.
Excellent Jonathan! You've got a great personality too, very loving and sensible. Thank you.
I'm so frustrated told me to go find someone else he doesn't want me I'm not right for him I don't know what to do anymore when I call ignores me..
Thumbnail: 5 .... 5 dolla footlong 🎵 5..... 5 dolla footlong 🎶
Avoid avoidant people.
Such a great video. I love your channel. You are helping me. 💞 _ Tammi
How do I know if the guy I like is avoidant or just not interested in me ?
Your Great 💥 Fellow LEO like me ‼️
Love it!!
Do you do videos for older women widows
Hola Coach
Why is it Soooooo
Difficult in Dating it creates it overtime Sooooo Draining....?
Hey fellow fire sign. I am an Aries ♈️ Sun/Leo rising. Totally get the “words of adoration”! 😁 Seriously, words of affirmation ranked first when I took the test.
Thanks for sharing!!
Me too! Aries/Leo Rising! Hi star sister!
Why would an emotionally unavailable person even bother to be in a union?
The need for connection
I guess I got lucky with my current love. He is open, honest and loving. We both know how the past hurt us and we haven't brought that baggage into this relationship. I water the seed so that he feels safe😊HUGGS to you Jonathan 🤗
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for caring🤗
That's cool your a Leo I am a cancer
Johnathon, how come it's easier for an avoidant man to divorce and run away rather than put any, smallest, tiniest effort into understanding himself/ facing his fears? We had 1 big fight in 6(!!!!) Years and he instantly ran away and applied for divorce... Never wants to work on anything or doesn't even voice his thoughts. It does often does feel like a high functioning toddler...
Actually, it's not easy for them whatsoever... avoidant men desperately want love and yet the trauma in their childhood or as an adult makes it very hard to be open to love.
This is such GREAT STUFF...Can't wait to practice this with my Beautiful Man that I Love!
You got this!
Love your haircut!
Makes sense! Everything was going well with my crush. He offered to help me with something big. When I said I would take him up on it, he got quiet and distant. Gonna go back and start small. Thank you!
The same thing pretty much happened to me too!
I believe his love language may be physical touch. Words don’t seem to be his forte 😩😭 that’s why I told him we need to hurry up and plan to see one another again because I can for sure speak his language with him lol and we can further connect. Our time will be coming soon. Just have to prioritize and plan.
John, whats an example of step 5 make a small request? Oan: ♌️-- I knew there was something I liked about you! We're practically cousins! "Words of adoration" is true...lol great video. Short, sweet, straight to the point!
Thank you thank you for this topic Jonathan🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🤗🤗Now that I have some confirmation for your advices I will continue what I planned to do. I will update you
Yeah I ended up by being cheated by him trying to understand him. Nothing makes these people to communicate. Patient and understanding? Nothing works from your video so sorry. Plus is too general to really help. So sorry.
Thank you. Beautiful, brilliant, concise, helpful. I think I sometimes flip flop between anxious and avoidant. appreciate that you didn't villify avoidants but showed compassion as to why a person might have difficulty opening up.
I find that his top love language is service, but also gift giving. Mine is words of affirmation and quality time.
Thanks you for this video , at 51 years I just discovered that I have a anxious attachment style and I am so glad I have figured it out . And I am in a relationship with a Avoident. Majority people are not open to learning these behaviors, or relationships coaches I was one of them . Now being Half way to hundred I am in all in ..It’s made a huge difference. I tend to seek your videos first , the man that I adore seems to have a familiar history as yours so I trust you . Keep up the hard work and knowledge 😊
Waoow great advices,&reference books r u too gud too,thank you,v helpful👍🏻 lots of luv to u👌🏻👍🏻💕💕💕💚💚💚❣❣❣💙💙💙💙💜💜💜
Thanks sir Good suggestion
Great vid. Thank you. Is a year of this a long time? Lmao. Been doing all this. And he's back again...I never would of thunk it. But no feelings he said when he ended it ...was a year June 3rd 2021.
I am too 😇 as a Woman.... tough Lessons ‼️
Thank you this vidéo very useful. Please talk more about This subject of How to deal with avoidant man And How to heal anxious style for woman
So he has told me he's busy, too much going on in his life. Yet he calls me everyday, multiple times a day. We laugh, talk, agree, disagree. And I know he's been hurt. Wife said she didn't love him, they divorced. Another woman ended the relationship because she was tired of waiting and married another. Next woman who he thought was his soul mate broke up with him because she apparently had fallen for another man. So now he's built this big protective barrier and won't let me in.
Hi... Thanks for this wonderful content to help.
Kindly do a video for us on steps to go towards secure from anxious style. Would appreciate
How do we get the women to open up?
Is there a love language that will cause a man to want talk to a woman about physical intimacy such as when and why?
Omg thanks. I didn’t know your were a Leo ♌️ my boyfriend is a Leo too
Great video!
In my childhood, I was very much anxious, my first marriage was no good, caused much anxiety! Now I am in a place of security and so grateful for that. My man and I were both cheated on during the marriage. We were both single for 10yrs. We have a very good relationship, we are both
"present" in this relationship and we give each other support and presence❤️but your advice never hurts❤️❤️HUGGS to you Jonathan
Dude - the AMOUNT OF ADVERTS interrupting
Wow
What do you mean?
@@JonathonAslay the video 🤯 a rather short one yet constantly interrupted by ads. Not sure if you can control this and apologies if this came across aggressive I’m just blown away as I’ve never seen that much in a short video. Feel free to hide or delete my comment :) just know this happens hope it helps as others might get frustrated too. I’m still no one to tell you how to run your channel!! And your advise is always great. Take care
This was such a great video!!!!! Great points. Saved to favourites!
This is really helpful, on many levels. It showed me two avoidant individuals, as a couple, can cover up this deficit by their career choices. They never can grow but remain stuck. The underlying fear is of being stifled by the other.
This can happen in marriage and cause affairs.
You rock Johnathon.. thank you!!!!!
Awe... thank you.
Try a khaki colour shirt
Excellent
Intuitive empath here , I can actually feel his feelings inside of me
Great