This is a video from my Patreon page. For more uncensored work like this one, which cannot be published on TH-cam, visit: www.patreon.com/c/HorsesPT. You can also support this channel here: horses.land/ This channel is an independent, one-man project which relies on the support from viewers like you. That said, simply watching the videos counts plenty as "support" -- You need not directly give up any money to keep this project going. Thank you for all you have done thus far. Best, Michael
Just checking Michael as i've not Patreon'd before, is this a censored version for YT and there's a more unabashed version of these thoughts on your Patreon page?
I love and admire your work so immensely and would love to compensate you for something that saves me in a way I cannot fully articulate. But I am so poor, struggling with unemployment and depression, and am up to my eyeballs in debt. Your work gives me an isolated moment on reprieve in this existence. Please dont ever go away. 🤍
@@drewsmith2365 Yes Drew, i'm not very educated though I find my woe(s) depicted enough to sigh and smile and feel less alone by Michaels's words. If i may, you're cicrumstances need not define you. The waves are rocking your boat sure, though as captains of vessels go, you are here. You mentioned outside influences more than own flaws. Then its just weather. Hold fast and trust in the knowing calmer seas are enevitable.
My girlfriend was drugged and sexually assaulted by a man she was close to last year and the suffering she experienced as a result led to her secretly relapsing on drugs until she fatally overdosed last Christmas. I never saw her body or her cremated remains and her family left the state shortly after her funeral. I loved her very much but she vanished from my life like a ghost the moment before I was ready to say the words to her. I had just cleared out a room in my apartment for her and was going to ask her to move in with me when I did, before the end of the year. Instead of starting a beautiful and new era of my life, I have spent the year since then just trying to survive while rogue waves of grief of a scale previously beyond my comprehension wash over me at random almost every single day. This experience has redefined my understanding of the human capacity to suffer in a way that distances me from other people because I find it hard to believe that anyone can understand trauma like this without also having experienced it. This video puts into words things I have been thinking and feeling all year and it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you.
Im so sorry such happiness had to be ripped from you. Thank you for sharing your experience, I find it very profound as it highlights the importance of appreciating the people we love and find meaningful in our lives as each moment has the potential to be our last 😢
Maybe this will help you feel a little better in a fucked up way, maybe it won't, but I think about suffering and grief in general sometimes, and I've had something of an interesting observation. It's quite remarkable how we as a social species can manage to feel so alone, isolated or uniquely devastated in our pain and yet it's also true that hundreds of millions, if not maybe even billions of all of the people who have ever lived (thought to be something like 100 billion+ humans) have suffered so, so staggeringly painfully in so many ways across the millennia. The cumulative amount of suffering experienced by humanity is almost certainly greater than the joy we've felt. And while not everyone makes it, and not even everyone who grieves those who didn't make it - make it themselves, somehow we collectively keep walking, stumbling, hobbling, limping forward to the greatest and worst days we feel we've ever had or will ever had over and over again, and - on the whole, somehow are glad for it. I dunno, just something to ponder.
A girl named Camerina Gonzalez was raped in the army and went down the same path. She asked to marry me December of 2019, her in Iowa, me in Washington. I was in a relationship at the time and she died soon after. The regret I feel is insurmountable
my older brother jumped in front of a train in 2015. regret follows me to this day and it kills me to think about how lonely he felt during his last moments. the man driving the train quit his job shortly after and i keep in touch with him from time to time. that grief is crippling, man. i used to lay in bed for days at a time, just thinking about him, not even getting up once. i hope he is at least at peace
@@chillaxer8273 You show a massive lack of emotional depth with that kind of response to this person’s trauma. As if it’s really that simple to grow so distraught with living that you take your own life. Grow up.
“Only the dead have seen the end of the war.” He is at peace, as we will all be one day. He would want you to enjoy the beauty of the world, regardless of his chosen path. Live well, always moving forward unto your last day among the living.
@@WhiteBloggerBlackSpecsBecause whoever runs TH-cam appears to be a child who hasn’t fully matured in the mind yet, that or for some stupid reason just refuses to.
@@WhiteBloggerBlackSpecs If we start thinking about it, we may consider it. The rich can't stand losing their worker drones. Imagine if large numbers of people just started doing it. Their profits would diminish 😭
Anyone who says ending it yourself is taking the easy way out doesnt understand how hard a choice it is when it comes right down to it. Giving up is a lot harder than it looks. I'm no longer in that place, but I could easily slip back down there if I'm not careful. Don't you dare go hollow.
Reminds me of David Lynch talking about Van Gogh: he “did great work in spite of-or because of-his suffering. I like to think that van Gogh would have been even more prolific and even greater if he wasn’t so restricted by the things tormenting him. I don’t think it was pain that made him so great-I think his painting brought him whatever happiness he had.”
I believe that pain is one of the greatest stimulus for creativity and greatness, for me when I am in deep despair I tend to write my best writings and to really, truely be able to express myself. As the pain of despair is far greater than the need to align myself to my inner critic. When I am in despair, the only way to comfort myself is writing so I write with no regard and no care in the world, that way I always find the most authentic sides of myself. And I think that goes to other things have it painting playing an instrument or any other creative escape one may have.
*”No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.* I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Grief feeling like fear hit me like a truck. I've lost some important social groups in my life and since then have been struggling with anxiety attacks.. this may have something to do with it.
Just sending some love. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your brother went through what he did. I wish I had something better to offer but genuinely, I'm so sorry. 🫂
My daughter passed in September, and since then I have known the deepest despair of my life. Your videos have been such a comfort, thank you so much for them.
10 months ago, I had calculated that I would run out of money in 3 months. I had planned to end it all by train. 8 months ago, I got my current job. It's frankly insane how much happiness being able to afford rent and food brings. The mentally helpful aspect of the structure having a job grants each day is often underestimated.
I understand your frustrations I was once homeless now working in production building stages, not always the best job but you know what it opens the doors of perspective and allows for success to happen almost naturally trust in your intuition and know there is always a reason to live another day it could be as simple as the birds chirping in the morning or the friend you saw a certain day that you mightve not seen in a while it really is the little things in life that make a difference
To be the only animals who have to rely on the good will of our fellows is crazy. That not only the happines but the well being of a person is measured by the fact that they can afford it, that otherwise you don't have a right to...live is painful. This, while the wealthy live lavishly in houses built on the suffering and hard work of others and it has been so for ages. It's not radicalization just a fact of life we were given this economic system, we imprisoned ourselves in it and there is hardly an escape from it.
Thanks for being born after 1985 and still having the balls to write and RELEASE your essays into a world where so few can see they're relevance. Thank you, friend.
I find it so incredibly sad that the world has decided that topics like suicide and death are no longer acceptable to talk about. It’s like the taboo of talking about mental health is still present, but instead of just never mentioning the topic, we’ve also decided that it’s no longer acceptable to say these words either, and now we must say things like “unalive” or “sewer-slide” for fear of censorship or “triggering” someone.
just last week i tried to overdose. thank you for this. it's hard but i'm slowly becoming kinder to myself. life is pain, which is why we need to be our own biggest supporters.
Life is like a jawbreaker of pain, its hard, but you can find ways to rip off those layers until you reach the core: and finally feel happy and fulfilled
Please, please hold on. I promise it gets easier. There is a saying in french- "don't ever kill yourself, because it will always be too late". Sending love from Australia 🌏
Many times during my worst periods of life, I was reminded that many of those who have attempted to end it all are very glad they didn't. They regret even attempting such acts, and find much comfort in knowing they are alive despite their efforts. I think this is great for them, but as i've moved on from my worst and to different types of pains and anxieties, I don't always find myself 'glad' that I failed. Sometimes I find myself wishing I succeeded, other times I feel grateful to be alive and able to continue this life, and there are even times where I consider doing it all over again. This only feels like a natural evolution, a constant sway of my opinion on deadly action. I think this is important to normalize. Great video as always, Michael.
Brother, I suggest a visit to a psychiatrist to see if you're bipolar type 2. I understand how you feel, I've lived my entire life that way. I found out that I am bipolar by how antidepressants made me a maniacal mess. What may come off as a chronic/episodic depression can very well be "manic depression," i.e. bipolar type 2.
i've been going through the same thing you describe here- i can't convince myself i'd always be glad i didn't succeed in taking my own life, because living after trying it, the feelings towards it are constantly in change. Personally i hope that the times where im glad i didn't do it are more frequent than the times where im not.
@thegreatestfallout1794 It's also quite common in females to have bursts depression which follow the patterns of our hormonal cycles. Often this is due to the drop in estrogen which leads to a corresponding reduction in dopamine production. For some these can be quite deep, dark and dangerous. I had regular thoughts of ending my life when I was a young woman, always just before my period was due. The pain was so intense, I was getting scared I would step into traffic or off a train platform. My GP put me on birth control and now my aim is to stay on that until I can move straight to HRT. 😅
I hope you can find some peace, and I hope you recover. But for me and many others there’s no point in trying. In a lot of cases it seems it can be considered a form of euthanasia, and from my point of view, ultimately it’s up to the individual to make the choice. Honestly I think I’ve already made my choice.
You are a gift to so many people. I'm glad you are still with us. I've learned more from your videos about life than any school or institution. Never give up.
Holy shit. This is, hands down, the clearest, most accurate description of what it feels like to live with clinical depression I've ever heard. Many greats before you have tried, but - - for me at least - - you've just eclipsed them all.
Thank you for still being here Horses, your videos have been a blast to watch and such a unique experience. I feel like this video came to me at the right time, I've been going through a very dark period of my life myself recently. I've learned a lot about myself and there is still so much I don't understand, but hearing that you've gone through your own sets of hardships and come out the other side with amazing videos like these does inspire me and give me hope that I can achieve similar success. I'm glad that 15 years ago you did not go through with your plan, because the world would have missed out on the great that you have to bring, thank you for still being here.
I was informed today my friend is dead, of an overdose. Remembering her will hurt for a long time but the pain is from what she meant to me, so it is important to feel this. Thank you for this video.
This resonated hard with me. I get suicidal ideations as intrusive thoughts during the worst times, and even though I would never do this and understand that these aren't my true thoughts: the thoughts themselves can still be quite scary to have. Life is very much like a valley, and I hope we can all appreciate it by laying in the grass and picking flowers💖
Life is a lot of things. Quotes such as this sound profound to those seeking validation of their emotions. Life exists outside of human emotions and cognitive dissonance.
@@StevenT-33characterising human existence as innately painful, shouldn't be a controversial statement to anyone who is familiar with what various philosophies have yo say about it. If anything most philosophies can be seen as ways to cope with how painfull human life can be . The irony of you insinuating that someone else is seeking validation is pretty funny. At least you gave me a little chukle.
I fckn hate TH-cam censorship. I respect and admire your work here. To you it's just a TH-cam channel, to me, you're a 21st century philosopher, my favourite. Thank you ❤️
This upload was truly profound and so on time. This time of year is so hard on my mental state. The older I get the more the holidays seem to be a time of sadness more than ever. Thank you for clearing some of the cobwebs. I'm glad you're still here and find value in sharing this found wisdom with us.
You are a shining light of guidance for all youtube content, because this isn’t “content” this is art, this is philosophy. This is something new. You are doing something unique here and I think people are going to catch onto what this is soon. This isn’t a video essay, this is something more.
This is beyond words. You're truly a voice of reason and hope in a world that desperately needs it. Thank you for hanging in there, and thank you for your work.
A través de tu enfoque metafórico abordas con aún mayor sagacidad lo poderoso e indescifrable. Tus reflexiones llegan siempre en el momento preciso. Saludos desde Chile.
I’ll always remember the first video I watched of yours. Feeling pretty low but mellowed by substance. It was the survival on a desert island video. It was fun, informative, thought provoking yet calming. Thanks for sharing.
Hey Michael, I’m still there, at that place. I’m glad you are still with us. I can go to sleep with your voice, relax, learn, redefine, adjust, fall asleep and hence, try again tomorrow. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m sure you are not the only one.
i have many things to say about this, but after reading through alot of these comments it would only be redundant. i too hope that one day i can enjoy the valley well enough to welcome a change of scenery. this may be my favorite video by you, yet.
I've felt this grief since I can remember. Somewhere else I heard or read, that self love is born from how we are loved as children, our parents and family are the ones who nurture it, teaches us that we are creatures capable of receiving love and giving love. I have worked hard to undo the bad job my family did on me. I am incapable of hating them, even if sometimes I say that I kind of do. Everytime I have attempted, I think to myself "who is there that will suffer my loss so much I would prefer to spare them the loss of me", thinking about my family doesn't fill me with joy. But I would suffer if I lost them. One day I will be able to answer this question. So far. I live to see the answer.
Be the better version of what was given... My friend's Mom would hug me and say be safe, I love you as I would leave.. So I introduced.. hugging my parents.. and saying I love you.. Almost out of fun.. When my Son was born.. I made damn sure he was shown, as you have written.. Better than I was shown... My life.. I will share.. if asked... I will say . I hated every single day of my young life... Even now.. @∅
your content never fails to leave a lasting impression on me. i truly appreciate this channel in all its fluidity and expression, thank you for walking through your valley.
Every time it feels like Horses has delivered us a piece so potent, so insightful, so unprecedented and eloquent that it takes on a sense of unique importance, it feels as though I think 'surely this is a high - I hope he doesn't feel coaxed into a sense that he has to do this all the time'. And yet truly, this feels like one of the most important essays youtube has produced. In our era, it is so easy to succumb to despair, and so many sources of solace and support are incapable of understanding the totality of the feeling while also pushing us to a brighter someday. Thank you for being what you are Horses. You may never know how thankful all of us, especially me, are to have seen the guy who went viral for the Arthur video show us the true depth of your insight and spirit, but it is so meaningful to have you here. Thank you.
Usually music is my prescription for pain and suffering because I think magical and mysterious in a sense that it can enter our lives with perfect timing and change our minds at that instant by connecting with and relating to. It makes you feel less alone and isolated. Because you know someone feels the same way and it really feels like a reconnection which I believe is the message and the point in life is to relay the message from the source to one another which is relating to and connecting with, a reminder that we are not as alone as we think we are. There's two songs that come to mind. One is Neil Young's. The world is turning where he has a lyric that goes "even though my problems are meaningless this, that doesn't make them go away" Second song is by Brent Cobb Sunshine on a rainy day "laughing ain't a pleasure till you know about crying" Congratulations! You have fulfilled your purpose on Earth by relaying the message from the source which enables the receiver to save themselves, as they may have found hope which allows them peace of mind knowing that they're a little less alone in relating to your video, it reconnects them so they won't feel like they're in hell.
I lost my girlfriend when I was 17. Almost a decade later, i still miss her desperately. I know this is a struggle of many here. Thank you for sharing, and I am glad you are here.
The world is healing. I feel beyond happy and excited to be alive in a time I only dreamt could become reality. I thought these intuitions would remain inside me as disorganized hope that eventually only lead me to suffering as long as I lived. What a joy to see these things articulated in such a resonating way by someone on a free platform on the internet. I can only send you love, horses. My name is Lian, everyone. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the new earth. Much love to all.
Just what I needed in this moment. The essay does not ease the pain, but it helps me accept pain for what it is. I hope I can grow from it, and I hope all you can too. Thank you Horses. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for letting me understand.
This is your most beautiful work so far in my opinion, thank you Michael, it touched me very deeply. I never considered the idea of taking my own life, but i have loved ones that gone all the way through, loved ones that tried (some more than once) and loved ones that are considering the thing i can only describe as their tired answer to put an end to their misery and misfortune. Sometimes when i see them i get to wonder if that will be the last time i am fortune enough to enjoy their presence, to see their smile one more time. I really don't know how to help people in that situation, other than the support a loved one can give and the ocasional advice to seek professional help i try not to meddle too much, i believe there are no answers i can't provide other than existing an dealing with my own hurdles in the hopes to inspire them to cultivate their own resilience. I loved the ending of the video, once one of them asked me what motivates me to keep living and all i could muster was "i just think life is so exciting and beautiful, i wouldn't miss it if i could".
I see Horses dropped a video, I hit like button first, then I comment about how happy I am that Horses dropped a new video, then I start watching it. Lol.
I hope that you're able to feel the many people on the other side of this video who care about you and your experiences deeply, for if you're ever in that place again remember us all. Thank you for all your hard work
I am thankful every day I found this channel. It’s like a glass of water if that makes any sense. It’s grounding. Thank you for leaning into the pain and providing translation for others.
Pain can be beautiful and useful, up to a point. I'm living in a 3rd world country and mental health is largely neglected. Not enough psychiatrists. Psychologists mainly focus on CBT. I'm thinking about self exit at least once a month, but I remain. I cannot yet afford therapy. Life is hard, and I wish "suffering" didn't visit me almost daily, but I cope. Saying this, I cannot find beauty in my suffering anymore. I cannot even find inspiration to make art to it anymore. There's a point that pain just...is. There was a time where I kinda found pain beautiful. I don't even know why I'm sharing this. I cannot even sincerely say, stay, it is worth staying. But I hope I can, someday.
I’m glad you’re here. You describe this feeling so well. No one seems to understand unless they’ve felt it. They can say they do, but they inevitably say something that reveals they don’t -quite- get it, despite their efforts.
I made a comment when this video first dropped, and don't know if you'll read this Horses, but felt I had to make a minor statement considering this might be your last video of the year. I went back to the first video I saw from you a year or so ago, the Arthur 9/11 video, and read the comment I wrote regarding how great your discussions are; how I hoped your content and channel would grow and gain the interest and momentum you deserved. It honestly feels so long ago in contrast to that first day I subscribed, and seeing your subscriber count had me feeling like I found someone who's success was just starting, like I was one of the early birds to a great creator's career. And now that you have broken the 1 million subscriber mark (and maybe even got on the trending page, though I may be wrong) I can't help but be proud of how far you've come. Your insights always leave me a little changed each time, providing a mark of greater introspection and perspective that only a person such as yourself can give. This is a heavy topic to be the last for a year's end, and things aren't going to be any easier these next few years, but your videos draw a very special crowd together that are seeking more than the usual stimulating creature comforts. I hope you'll have a very happy holidays and new year Horses, very proud of how far you've come, for all a strangers words are worth.
This fella writes good stuff. Always seem to end up watching them late at night and they always seem to hit that much more at 3am when should ideally be fast asleep.
I've known many who have lost it all, and yet they keep going, and still find a new happiness. When you understand pain as a teacher, it can make you drop to your knees and weep. I hope you all find what you need in time.
8:27 the analogy of the dolphin fits almost perfectly with this. they’re beastly creatures who torment other animals, but they still go through a life-threatening change.
I’ve lost family and gone through seeing their bodies and funerals. But the thing that haunts me most is before all of that, one day I was sitting on the porch watching the kids across the street play. I went inside to make noodles and after a bit I heard a commotion outside so I looked out. The little boy they had, got fatally hit by a car. I had just watched him playing and laughing, being a kid. Only to see his caved in head in the middle of the road. I don’t think anyone other than the family and the driver was as impacted by that as me, I still think about if I just stayed outside for a little longer I maybe could’ve done something. As much as I try to work past it, understand it, it’s always going to stay with me. How do you even begin to get over something like that?
Thank you for going on instead of choosing to end your life. Thank you for all you endure and the work you do to share your thoughts with the world. They feel somehow timeless and prescient in the absurdity of modern life. I love your stuff and I hope you keep contributing for a long time, or until doing so no longer serves you.
My busy road was prescription meds and booze. Been sober for three years and change, now. Still think it should be up to myself alone when I want to check out, and I resent that primal, instinctive fear of going through with it - it feels like mind control, like the stuff I would tell myself to justify drinking. All I know is I've never felt comfortable here, with other people, with myself. I know exactly which screws are loose and that's how they'll remain. I just wish I didn't feel confined, paralysed, trapped... Anyway. Always good to see you drop a video. Cheers
I’ve been battling the meds/ alcohol tornado pursuit for happiness and have always felt disconnected from others and myself much like you’ve described. Congrats on the three years and change
The beginning to this video has put into words what I’ve never been able to. The paralysis of taking that final step is something I’ve felt so many times. I have been in extensive therapy for the past six months over those urges and hearing someone else speak what I’ve felt is beyond cathartic. Thank you
Gorgeous....pure poetry. I do reached a point where i was so close to taking my life and got scared at the last minute, and instead went to the hospital. It was so hard and took months, but eventually i learned to love life again. I am so glad you are here. To anyone reading this, it does get better, even if its just being able to enjoy that sunrise once more ❤
0:20 I’m thankful that you’re still here. That story is almost word for word what I experienced at one point in my life, and I think this is one of the most profound things I have ever heard.
You lovely people are not alone suffering seems to be the most prevalent energy around us, but its simply temporary. We oughta evolve and transcend past mindless self indulgence and remember to be there for one another, perhaps reconnect, and attempt to hold greater levels of empathy. At the end of the day the way you treat other people is a direct reflection of the way you treat yourself. I personally and dearly believe that most, if not all the issues the world is facing right this very instant can be solved by overcoming the hate, and instead preaching love and kindness... May you all prosper, thrive, and continue to grow and learn as a whole ❤
and once again, i find comfort in one of your videos. this was an incredibly authentic and poetic piece of art. your creations are beautiful. thank you for sharing them with the world
4:15 been struggling with suicidal ideations for years. I often cudgel myself with this kind of fallacy. “At least I’m not lost in the desert gnawing on the bone of some animal to gain any modicum of nutrients, at least I’m not a child who had every limb blown off by an ied.” I put my “compatriots in suffering” in increasingly dire circumstances to try and derive some kind of bizarre pleasure in imagining that I’m not the most pathetic creature on this earth.
You will never be the most pathetic creature on this earth. Even then, there are an unfathomable amount more creatures that will never even exist. The universe will never be significantly impacted by what we as a species will achieve, let alone a single being. Sooner or later, as science predicts now, the universe will die a slow and cold death. Every 'failure', every 'bad' thing you've done or that happened to you will not matter. All that matters is that you live your life like you want to. There is a certain amount of influence you have at your disposal. You can use this to achieve anything - if you wish to do so. Life is a chance. You can take it or you can sit back and see what happens. There's no 'bad' choice, just 'a' choice. I wish you the best.
I almost ended it 4 separate times. Months of research went into calculating how I could do it the most efficiently, many notes were written, but I was saved by coincidence. I’m so glad I’m still here, happiness will find you.
I'm at a loss of words. You have touched my heart, my eyes started to water. You are the friend i wish to have, i hope it could happen someday somehow somewhere for we live in different parts of this beautiful globe.
I really really needed this . For years I’d say since I was 10 . I openly told my whole family I do not see myself going far into the future past 21 . But as I get closer and closer to next month ( birthday ) . I feel extremely emotional as times of self contemplation and self infliction . I essentially just been avoiding myself , creating just a shell of what to present on the outside ( outside ) because “ it was for the time being “ . I’d think about my overall affect on who I’ve known throughout my life and it’s genuinely something I feel emotionally subconscious about because I’m aware of my potential to want better . This is my first ever vid I’ve watched by you 😅 , thank you & take care .
Dear Michael Your existence has made me feel things I never knew were possible. It has opened doors to endless possibilities and wonder in this world. I'm truly grateful that you're alive today and that you're sharing this video with us.
It’s insane how much of what you say resonates. Thank you for being here and for speaking and creating magic. Every one of us on this channel is better off for you being here.
Once upon a time I was in a really dark place. The dominoes that led to this I will not bore you with, but... I was set and had it planned. And at the brink I could not do it despite my pain. Since this when someone i know and sadly I knew a few who did go through with it over the years. Listening to others speak of it I find it hard to agree with them, because i still remember that pain that I fought past. I do not consider myself super human just a survivor. Thus I feel for those who fell because if their pain was enough for them to do what I could not it blows my mind. If there is a afterlife and I see them again I would just tell them that I missed them.
Your videos are profound and thought-provoking. No matter what you choose to do now, you've left some artful videos for the world already. You're an interesting person and I'm glad I found your channel recently.
i was in the heights of despair 2 weeks ago. i can genuinely say my choice to go to the ER helped me for the better. please know when to make that choice for yourself 💝
"Some unique sorts of pain are so great and so large that they cannot be captured by language." Language is our infinite tool, able to be manipulated in countless ways to describe and communicate. Yet, it is not enough to capture the full breadth of feeling. Like a logarithm getting infinitely and arbitrarily close but never touching the axis of true understanding. I have found, in my own heights of despair, that no matter how futile it is, trying to communicate is so important. We wrap our pain in art and metaphor out of necessity for us to understand ourselves, for others to understand us, or at least try to approach that understanding. We may never get close to describing the true scope of our pain, but by trying someone may look and see echoes of their own, and that makes us all a little less lonely. I think you've accomplished that with this video. Thank you for sharing your pain in the way that you can, in a way that resonates.
I've been subscribed to your channel for a little over a year now. I've thoroughly enjoyed all of your presentations. You speak with an eloquent humility that is inviting. This is something that I appreciate because it is genuine. This particular presentation was poignantly relatable for me personally. You manage to speak every thought that I have had but didn't have the words for. I'm grateful for you and I appreciate you. Also I appreciate what you do for all of us within the audience to provoke new ways of thinking or ideas that we may not have known that we needed. You have stated what I needed to hear when I didn't know I needed it the most and for that I want to say in the most humble, authentic and genuine way possible....., thank you so much.
After reading so many of these stories in the comments it is clear that metaphors are at once totally inadequate and sufficient at the same time to reflect that inner world. The reminder is awful and piercing but also beautiful and comforting. I am happy I am still here but I cant pretend I am without daily reminders of the reality that to live is to suffer, in a way. Thank you for a reminder to live and enjoy despite the darkness.
I never do this, but this year i had a few moments where i wanted to end it and i'm still on the process but your videos where helping for me on this. Thank you.
Just know you're not alone, this year has been very tough, but if you hold tight to the idea that things can get better, you will always have something to live for, be glad you're here.
I understand how you feel, I've been there. I hope things will get better for you and that you keep going. It may feel impossible some days, but hold on to the knowledge that one day you won't feel like this any longer. It may seem like it will last forever but it won't, and seeing the other side is worth it. ♥
I had once planned to end it all, I was this close to taking a nap on the railroad tracks. The thought of making my mom cry stopped me from doing that. All that I can say is that I made her cry anyway, but some of these tears were tears of happiness. The road is long and hard and agonizing, but its worth to keep on walking. Never give up. Never. Im just a stranger on the internet but if anyone reading this needs somebody to talk to, im here.
I am glad you are still here. Your videos are one of the things that kept me from catatonia after my own attempt. I hope you are happier these days; I hope to hear your videos for many years to come.
Thank you for failing your attempt. I'm glad you're here, even if you ever stop doing videos, I'm glad you're with us (but please do videos as long as it suits your needs, you really do inspire a lot of thought and the world needs people like you)
Thank you, you are a light in a dark. Your video essays are pieces of artwork that always will stick with me, and this one like paint to a wall. Many people are grateful that you are still here, as seen by the many comments in this video. I think its fair to say that you may be a ray of sunlight that has shone down onto peoples valley.
This is a video from my Patreon page. For more uncensored work like this one, which cannot be published on TH-cam, visit: www.patreon.com/c/HorsesPT.
You can also support this channel here: horses.land/
This channel is an independent, one-man project which relies on the support from viewers like you. That said, simply watching the videos counts plenty as "support" -- You need not directly give up any money to keep this project going. Thank you for all you have done thus far.
Best,
Michael
best video yet
Just checking Michael as i've not Patreon'd before, is this a censored version for YT and there's a more unabashed version of these thoughts on your Patreon page?
I love and admire your work so immensely and would love to compensate you for something that saves me in a way I cannot fully articulate. But I am so poor, struggling with unemployment and depression, and am up to my eyeballs in debt. Your work gives me an isolated moment on reprieve in this existence. Please dont ever go away. 🤍
nevermind, found it.
@@drewsmith2365 Yes Drew, i'm not very educated though I find my woe(s) depicted enough to sigh and smile and feel less alone by Michaels's words.
If i may, you're cicrumstances need not define you. The waves are rocking your boat sure, though as captains of vessels go, you are here. You mentioned outside influences more than own flaws.
Then its just weather. Hold fast and trust in the knowing calmer seas are enevitable.
My girlfriend was drugged and sexually assaulted by a man she was close to last year and the suffering she experienced as a result led to her secretly relapsing on drugs until she fatally overdosed last Christmas. I never saw her body or her cremated remains and her family left the state shortly after her funeral. I loved her very much but she vanished from my life like a ghost the moment before I was ready to say the words to her. I had just cleared out a room in my apartment for her and was going to ask her to move in with me when I did, before the end of the year. Instead of starting a beautiful and new era of my life, I have spent the year since then just trying to survive while rogue waves of grief of a scale previously beyond my comprehension wash over me at random almost every single day. This experience has redefined my understanding of the human capacity to suffer in a way that distances me from other people because I find it hard to believe that anyone can understand trauma like this without also having experienced it. This video puts into words things I have been thinking and feeling all year and it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you.
Im so sorry such happiness had to be ripped from you. Thank you for sharing your experience, I find it very profound as it highlights the importance of appreciating the people we love and find meaningful in our lives as each moment has the potential to be our last 😢
Maybe this will help you feel a little better in a fucked up way, maybe it won't, but I think about suffering and grief in general sometimes, and I've had something of an interesting observation. It's quite remarkable how we as a social species can manage to feel so alone, isolated or uniquely devastated in our pain and yet it's also true that hundreds of millions, if not maybe even billions of all of the people who have ever lived (thought to be something like 100 billion+ humans) have suffered so, so staggeringly painfully in so many ways across the millennia.
The cumulative amount of suffering experienced by humanity is almost certainly greater than the joy we've felt. And while not everyone makes it, and not even everyone who grieves those who didn't make it - make it themselves, somehow we collectively keep walking, stumbling, hobbling, limping forward to the greatest and worst days we feel we've ever had or will ever had over and over again, and - on the whole, somehow are glad for it. I dunno, just something to ponder.
man I hope you are doing better. Wish you to overcome this struggle. I believe better days are waiting for you in the future.
I don’t even know what to say… Wow.
I hope you find your peace.
A girl named Camerina Gonzalez was raped in the army and went down the same path. She asked to marry me December of 2019, her in Iowa, me in Washington. I was in a relationship at the time and she died soon after. The regret I feel is insurmountable
my older brother jumped in front of a train in 2015. regret follows me to this day and it kills me to think about how lonely he felt during his last moments. the man driving the train quit his job shortly after and i keep in touch with him from time to time. that grief is crippling, man. i used to lay in bed for days at a time, just thinking about him, not even getting up once. i hope he is at least at peace
Not your fault my friend love form newzealand
Not your fault ❤ sorry for your loss
What a horrible brother. Such a selfish act. I hope you can realize this and not blame yourself.
@@chillaxer8273 You show a massive lack of emotional depth with that kind of response to this person’s trauma. As if it’s really that simple to grow so distraught with living that you take your own life. Grow up.
“Only the dead have seen the end of the war.”
He is at peace, as we will all be one day. He would want you to enjoy the beauty of the world, regardless of his chosen path. Live well, always moving forward unto your last day among the living.
Important subject that deserves coverage despite draconian and backward YT Policies enforced by bots! Liking, sharing, amplifying how I can.
Not everyone can be trusted with the subject unfortunately.
@@binarybotany3218The people who can’t be trusted with the subject need to explore it the most
Why does TH-cam think we're too stupid to think suicide is not always worth it?
@@WhiteBloggerBlackSpecsBecause whoever runs TH-cam appears to be a child who hasn’t fully matured in the mind yet, that or for some stupid reason just refuses to.
@@WhiteBloggerBlackSpecs If we start thinking about it, we may consider it. The rich can't stand losing their worker drones. Imagine if large numbers of people just started doing it. Their profits would diminish 😭
Anyone who says ending it yourself is taking the easy way out doesnt understand how hard a choice it is when it comes right down to it. Giving up is a lot harder than it looks. I'm no longer in that place, but I could easily slip back down there if I'm not careful.
Don't you dare go hollow.
Don't you dare go hollow
It is easier to end it all than to keep going. It is the easy way out, thats why its so hard to pull yourself out of it.
I love it I’m gonna steal it. Don’t you dare go hollow
@kellyman1919 I stole it from Dark Souls lol that line hits so hard though.
@@sikul3237 you sound very empathetic indeed.
Reminds me of David Lynch talking about Van Gogh: he “did great work in spite of-or because of-his suffering. I like to think that van Gogh would have been even more prolific and even greater if he wasn’t so restricted by the things tormenting him. I don’t think it was pain that made him so great-I think his painting brought him whatever happiness he had.”
Couldn't help but read that in David Lynch voice ha. All the best.
@@shinzomoon Me too 😂 so iconic, lol
van gogh was most likely shot by a local kid, not by himself, look it up.
David Lynch being based yet again
I believe that pain is one of the greatest stimulus for creativity and greatness, for me when I am in deep despair I tend to write my best writings and to really, truely be able to express myself. As the pain of despair is far greater than the need to align myself to my inner critic. When I am in despair, the only way to comfort myself is writing so I write with no regard and no care in the world, that way I always find the most authentic sides of myself. And I think that goes to other things have it painting playing an instrument or any other creative escape one may have.
*”No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.*
I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Wow
All of his work is profound.
Grief feeling like fear hit me like a truck. I've lost some important social groups in my life and since then have been struggling with anxiety attacks.. this may have something to do with it.
Isn't grief more like anger?
My brother was found dead on the reservation last Wednesday. This is helping my grief.❤ happy there is still another helper here on this earth.
I don't know you but I'm sorry for your loss. ❤
Just sending some love. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your brother went through what he did. I wish I had something better to offer but genuinely, I'm so sorry. 🫂
I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
so sorry for you loss man, sending love from a stranger
I hope you feel the Love here, man.
❤
I am glad you are still with us 🫂
you clearly havent watched all of the video
@sjoerdev what are you inferring
Halo everyone:)
@sjoerdev I have and it reinforced my original point utterly
□
My daughter passed in September, and since then I have known the deepest despair of my life. Your videos have been such a comfort, thank you so much for them.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 💔🙏🏼
@stephanieuzzell8436 Thank you, friend 🫂
I am sorry for your loss.
Im so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your kindness, everyone
10 months ago, I had calculated that I would run out of money in 3 months. I had planned to end it all by train. 8 months ago, I got my current job.
It's frankly insane how much happiness being able to afford rent and food brings. The mentally helpful aspect of the structure having a job grants each day is often underestimated.
I’ve realized that my happiness depends on whether I have money or not. Slippery slope
I understand your frustrations I was once homeless now working in production building stages, not always the best job but you know what it opens the doors of perspective and allows for success to happen almost naturally trust in your intuition and know there is always a reason to live another day it could be as simple as the birds chirping in the morning or the friend you saw a certain day that you mightve not seen in a while it really is the little things in life that make a difference
To be the only animals who have to rely on the good will of our fellows is crazy. That not only the happines but the well being of a person is measured by the fact that they can afford it, that otherwise you don't have a right to...live is painful.
This, while the wealthy live lavishly in houses built on the suffering and hard work of others and it has been so for ages. It's not radicalization just a fact of life we were given this economic system, we imprisoned ourselves in it and there is hardly an escape from it.
@@themonolougist let me go guess. Reddit?
Dang man just losing your job and thinking about suicide meanwhile im about to do a how to become homeless speedrun
Thanks for being born after 1985 and still having the balls to write and RELEASE your essays into a world where so few can see they're relevance. Thank you, friend.
Blessed is the new generations.
Their*
Over 1 million people see their relevance
Black metal ain’t helping
@fritzstammen4535 Over a million people are subscribers. How many do you think ACTUALLY understand the messages?
I cannot recall the last time I'd heard the word "suicide". I'm glad to see someone openly talk about these things on social media.
I find it so incredibly sad that the world has decided that topics like suicide and death are no longer acceptable to talk about. It’s like the taboo of talking about mental health is still present, but instead of just never mentioning the topic, we’ve also decided that it’s no longer acceptable to say these words either, and now we must say things like “unalive” or “sewer-slide” for fear of censorship or “triggering” someone.
Even sadder that your life doesn't exist outside of the internet. Go outside, talk to people, engage with life maaaaaaaaan
@@joca5181Good suggestion.
@@joca5181you are projecting your own personal issues onto other people via baseless assumptions
Suicide-related topics are often considered sensitive and less marketable, which limits their visibility on social media platforms.
just last week i tried to overdose. thank you for this. it's hard but i'm slowly becoming kinder to myself. life is pain, which is why we need to be our own biggest supporters.
im glad you're alive. i hope things can get better, thankfully you are still here to see tomorrow, so it always can.
idk who you are but I love you, stay strong
Life is like a jawbreaker of pain, its hard, but you can find ways to rip off those layers until you reach the core: and finally feel happy and fulfilled
I hope your life improves soon!
Please, please hold on. I promise it gets easier. There is a saying in french- "don't ever kill yourself, because it will always be too late".
Sending love from Australia 🌏
Many times during my worst periods of life, I was reminded that many of those who have attempted to end it all are very glad they didn't. They regret even attempting such acts, and find much comfort in knowing they are alive despite their efforts. I think this is great for them, but as i've moved on from my worst and to different types of pains and anxieties, I don't always find myself 'glad' that I failed. Sometimes I find myself wishing I succeeded, other times I feel grateful to be alive and able to continue this life, and there are even times where I consider doing it all over again. This only feels like a natural evolution, a constant sway of my opinion on deadly action. I think this is important to normalize. Great video as always, Michael.
Brother, I suggest a visit to a psychiatrist to see if you're bipolar type 2. I understand how you feel, I've lived my entire life that way. I found out that I am bipolar by how antidepressants made me a maniacal mess. What may come off as a chronic/episodic depression can very well be "manic depression," i.e. bipolar type 2.
i've been going through the same thing you describe here- i can't convince myself i'd always be glad i didn't succeed in taking my own life, because living after trying it, the feelings towards it are constantly in change.
Personally i hope that the times where im glad i didn't do it are more frequent than the times where im not.
@thegreatestfallout1794
It's also quite common in females to have bursts depression which follow the patterns of our hormonal cycles.
Often this is due to the drop in estrogen which leads to a corresponding reduction in dopamine production.
For some these can be quite deep, dark and dangerous. I had regular thoughts of ending my life when I was a young woman, always just before my period was due.
The pain was so intense, I was getting scared I would step into traffic or off a train platform. My GP put me on birth control and now my aim is to stay on that until I can move straight to HRT. 😅
The duality of life, truly a spectacle to experience.
I hope you can find some peace, and I hope you recover. But for me and many others there’s no point in trying. In a lot of cases it seems it can be considered a form of euthanasia, and from my point of view, ultimately it’s up to the individual to make the choice. Honestly I think I’ve already made my choice.
Petah, the horse is here.
Multiple Horses actually
This is hitting on like 4 levels
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭oh you're good
creativeboi
even at his lois hes still a family guy
You are a gift to so many people. I'm glad you are still with us. I've learned more from your videos about life than any school or institution. Never give up.
Holy shit. This is, hands down, the clearest, most accurate description of what it feels like to live with clinical depression I've ever heard. Many greats before you have tried, but - - for me at least - - you've just eclipsed them all.
Agreed. Best description i
(opps)…best analogy I’ve ever heard.
Thank you for still being here Horses, your videos have been a blast to watch and such a unique experience. I feel like this video came to me at the right time, I've been going through a very dark period of my life myself recently. I've learned a lot about myself and there is still so much I don't understand, but hearing that you've gone through your own sets of hardships and come out the other side with amazing videos like these does inspire me and give me hope that I can achieve similar success.
I'm glad that 15 years ago you did not go through with your plan, because the world would have missed out on the great that you have to bring, thank you for still being here.
I was informed today my friend is dead, of an overdose. Remembering her will hurt for a long time but the pain is from what she meant to me, so it is important to feel this. Thank you for this video.
My Condolences! I hope you are okay!
One day one step at a time. Im so sorry.
Imagine not being there for her…
This resonated hard with me. I get suicidal ideations as intrusive thoughts during the worst times, and even though I would never do this and understand that these aren't my true thoughts: the thoughts themselves can still be quite scary to have.
Life is very much like a valley, and I hope we can all appreciate it by laying in the grass and picking flowers💖
this is beautiful thank you
I totally resonate with this. Suicidal ideation is a bitch
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." -The Princess Bride
Life is a lot of things. Quotes such as this sound profound to those seeking validation of their emotions. Life exists outside of human emotions and cognitive dissonance.
@StevenT-33 It's from the Princess Bride.
@@StevenT-33characterising human existence as innately painful, shouldn't be a controversial statement to anyone who is familiar with what various philosophies have yo say about it. If anything most philosophies can be seen as ways to cope with how painfull human life can be . The irony of you insinuating that someone else is seeking validation is pretty funny. At least you gave me a little chukle.
Maybe madness & mental illness are the only way to remain human under capitalism,
& maybe total sanity under capitalism is a sign of soul death
@@StevenT-33 the life of a human is incredibly emotional, incredibly painful
it's eerie how close this channel describes things to how I feel my life to be
This channel describes the human condition very well. You’re not alone in feeling this way
I fckn hate TH-cam censorship. I respect and admire your work here. To you it's just a TH-cam channel, to me, you're a 21st century philosopher, my favourite. Thank you ❤️
Could you tell us what it was being censored?
Probably one of the deepest TH-cam videos I've ever watched. Glad you're still here and make such wonderful content
This is beautiful. The pain cannot be described, cannot be properly witnessed.
This upload was truly profound and so on time. This time of year is so hard on my mental state. The older I get the more the holidays seem to be a time of sadness more than ever. Thank you for clearing some of the cobwebs. I'm glad you're still here and find value in sharing this found wisdom with us.
You are a shining light of guidance for all youtube content, because this isn’t “content” this is art, this is philosophy. This is something new. You are doing something unique here and I think people are going to catch onto what this is soon. This isn’t a video essay, this is something more.
I think this may be one of the most important videos on this platform.
You really are something special.
This is beyond words. You're truly a voice of reason and hope in a world that desperately needs it. Thank you for hanging in there, and thank you for your work.
A través de tu enfoque metafórico abordas con aún mayor sagacidad lo poderoso e indescifrable. Tus reflexiones llegan siempre en el momento preciso. Saludos desde Chile.
I am romanian and its great to see that Emil Cioran gets the recognition he deserves, thanks for making this video
I’ll always remember the first video I watched of yours. Feeling pretty low but mellowed by substance. It was the survival on a desert island video. It was fun, informative, thought provoking yet calming. Thanks for sharing.
Hey Michael, I’m still there, at that place. I’m glad you are still with us. I can go to sleep with your voice, relax, learn, redefine, adjust, fall asleep and hence, try again tomorrow.
I’m sure I’m not the only one.
I’m sure you are not the only one.
I'm glad you're still here.
I’m in that place too. I doubt I can ever feel like me again. I can’t type anymore
Beautiful comment. This is what life is, in five sentences.
i have many things to say about this, but after reading through alot of these comments it would only be redundant.
i too hope that one day i can enjoy the valley well enough to welcome a change of scenery.
this may be my favorite video by you, yet.
I've felt this grief since I can remember. Somewhere else I heard or read, that self love is born from how we are loved as children, our parents and family are the ones who nurture it, teaches us that we are creatures capable of receiving love and giving love. I have worked hard to undo the bad job my family did on me. I am incapable of hating them, even if sometimes I say that I kind of do. Everytime I have attempted, I think to myself "who is there that will suffer my loss so much I would prefer to spare them the loss of me", thinking about my family doesn't fill me with joy. But I would suffer if I lost them. One day I will be able to answer this question. So far. I live to see the answer.
Be the better version of what was given...
My friend's Mom would hug me and say be safe, I love you as I would leave..
So I introduced.. hugging my parents.. and saying I love you..
Almost out of fun..
When my Son was born.. I made damn sure he was shown, as you have written..
Better than I was shown...
My life.. I will share.. if asked...
I will say . I hated every single day of my young life...
Even now..
@∅
Dang that profile does not match with your essay
@smith3463 oh, I did the drawing. Before this I had a stack of waffles
@@sleepingatthefrontrow 🧇 👍
your content never fails to leave a lasting impression on me. i truly appreciate this channel in all its fluidity and expression, thank you for walking through your valley.
Every time it feels like Horses has delivered us a piece so potent, so insightful, so unprecedented and eloquent that it takes on a sense of unique importance, it feels as though I think 'surely this is a high - I hope he doesn't feel coaxed into a sense that he has to do this all the time'. And yet truly, this feels like one of the most important essays youtube has produced. In our era, it is so easy to succumb to despair, and so many sources of solace and support are incapable of understanding the totality of the feeling while also pushing us to a brighter someday.
Thank you for being what you are Horses. You may never know how thankful all of us, especially me, are to have seen the guy who went viral for the Arthur video show us the true depth of your insight and spirit, but it is so meaningful to have you here. Thank you.
Oh this made me cry... So poetic and full of meaning. Thank you so much for making this video!
Recognized the title and instantly clicked. Ciorcan's works are so refreshing for depressives. Oddly calming and affirming.
I bought 2 of his books to have on hand for when I'm depressed. They make me laugh with recognition
Right, they are the most optimistic pessimist aphorisms ever, makes one happy rather than sad
Usually music is my prescription for pain and suffering because I think magical and mysterious in a sense that it can enter our lives with perfect timing and change our minds at that instant by connecting with and relating to. It makes you feel less alone and isolated. Because you know someone feels the same way and it really feels like a reconnection which I believe is the message and the point in life is to relay the message from the source to one another which is relating to and connecting with, a reminder that we are not as alone as we think we are.
There's two songs that come to mind. One is Neil Young's. The world is turning where he has a lyric that goes "even though my problems are meaningless this, that doesn't make them go away"
Second song is by Brent Cobb Sunshine on a rainy day "laughing ain't a pleasure till you know about crying"
Congratulations! You have fulfilled your purpose on Earth by relaying the message from the source which enables the receiver to save themselves, as they may have found hope which allows them peace of mind knowing that they're a little less alone in relating to your video, it reconnects them so they won't feel like they're in hell.
I lost my girlfriend when I was 17. Almost a decade later, i still miss her desperately. I know this is a struggle of many here. Thank you for sharing, and I am glad you are here.
The world is healing. I feel beyond happy and excited to be alive in a time I only dreamt could become reality. I thought these intuitions would remain inside me as disorganized hope that eventually only lead me to suffering as long as I lived. What a joy to see these things articulated in such a resonating way by someone on a free platform on the internet. I can only send you love, horses. My name is Lian, everyone. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the new earth. Much love to all.
This is the best channel on TH-cam hands down
Just what I needed in this moment. The essay does not ease the pain, but it helps me accept pain for what it is. I hope I can grow from it, and I hope all you can too. Thank you Horses. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for letting me understand.
This is your most beautiful work so far in my opinion, thank you Michael, it touched me very deeply.
I never considered the idea of taking my own life, but i have loved ones that gone all the way through, loved ones that tried (some more than once) and loved ones that are considering the thing i can only describe as their tired answer to put an end to their misery and misfortune.
Sometimes when i see them i get to wonder if that will be the last time i am fortune enough to enjoy their presence, to see their smile one more time.
I really don't know how to help people in that situation, other than the support a loved one can give and the ocasional advice to seek professional help i try not to meddle too much, i believe there are no answers i can't provide other than existing an dealing with my own hurdles in the hopes to inspire them to cultivate their own resilience.
I loved the ending of the video, once one of them asked me what motivates me to keep living and all i could muster was "i just think life is so exciting and beautiful, i wouldn't miss it if i could".
I see Horses dropped a video, I hit like button first, then I comment about how happy I am that Horses dropped a new video, then I start watching it. Lol.
I hope that you're able to feel the many people on the other side of this video who care about you and your experiences deeply, for if you're ever in that place again remember us all. Thank you for all your hard work
I am thankful every day I found this channel. It’s like a glass of water if that makes any sense. It’s grounding. Thank you for leaning into the pain and providing translation for others.
Pain can be beautiful and useful, up to a point. I'm living in a 3rd world country and mental health is largely neglected. Not enough psychiatrists. Psychologists mainly focus on CBT. I'm thinking about self exit at least once a month, but I remain. I cannot yet afford therapy. Life is hard, and I wish "suffering" didn't visit me almost daily, but I cope. Saying this, I cannot find beauty in my suffering anymore. I cannot even find inspiration to make art to it anymore. There's a point that pain just...is. There was a time where I kinda found pain beautiful. I don't even know why I'm sharing this. I cannot even sincerely say, stay, it is worth staying. But I hope I can, someday.
I’m glad you’re here. You describe this feeling so well. No one seems to understand unless they’ve felt it. They can say they do, but they inevitably say something that reveals they don’t -quite- get it, despite their efforts.
I made a comment when this video first dropped, and don't know if you'll read this Horses, but felt I had to make a minor statement considering this might be your last video of the year. I went back to the first video I saw from you a year or so ago, the Arthur 9/11 video, and read the comment I wrote regarding how great your discussions are; how I hoped your content and channel would grow and gain the interest and momentum you deserved. It honestly feels so long ago in contrast to that first day I subscribed, and seeing your subscriber count had me feeling like I found someone who's success was just starting, like I was one of the early birds to a great creator's career. And now that you have broken the 1 million subscriber mark (and maybe even got on the trending page, though I may be wrong) I can't help but be proud of how far you've come. Your insights always leave me a little changed each time, providing a mark of greater introspection and perspective that only a person such as yourself can give.
This is a heavy topic to be the last for a year's end, and things aren't going to be any easier these next few years, but your videos draw a very special crowd together that are seeking more than the usual stimulating creature comforts. I hope you'll have a very happy holidays and new year Horses, very proud of how far you've come, for all a strangers words are worth.
This fella writes good stuff. Always seem to end up watching them late at night and they always seem to hit that much more at 3am when should ideally be fast asleep.
16:15 brought me to tears. Thank you for this video
I've known many who have lost it all, and yet they keep going, and still find a new happiness. When you understand pain as a teacher, it can make you drop to your knees and weep. I hope you all find what you need in time.
i absolutely love your valley metaphor. this channel is a source of light in a time so oversaturated with negativity and superficiality. thank you
Cant imagine my life without you, and your shared wisdom in it. Thank you for being here
8:27 the analogy of the dolphin fits almost perfectly with this. they’re beastly creatures who torment other animals, but they still go through a life-threatening change.
This is saved as the video i will watch during time im back there in that space
Thank you so much. Glad you’re still here, glad i am too
I’ve lost family and gone through seeing their bodies and funerals. But the thing that haunts me most is before all of that, one day I was sitting on the porch watching the kids across the street play. I went inside to make noodles and after a bit I heard a commotion outside so I looked out. The little boy they had, got fatally hit by a car. I had just watched him playing and laughing, being a kid. Only to see his caved in head in the middle of the road. I don’t think anyone other than the family and the driver was as impacted by that as me, I still think about if I just stayed outside for a little longer I maybe could’ve done something. As much as I try to work past it, understand it, it’s always going to stay with me. How do you even begin to get over something like that?
Thank you for going on instead of choosing to end your life. Thank you for all you endure and the work you do to share your thoughts with the world. They feel somehow timeless and prescient in the absurdity of modern life. I love your stuff and I hope you keep contributing for a long time, or until doing so no longer serves you.
My busy road was prescription meds and booze. Been sober for three years and change, now. Still think it should be up to myself alone when I want to check out, and I resent that primal, instinctive fear of going through with it - it feels like mind control, like the stuff I would tell myself to justify drinking. All I know is I've never felt comfortable here, with other people, with myself. I know exactly which screws are loose and that's how they'll remain. I just wish I didn't feel confined, paralysed, trapped... Anyway. Always good to see you drop a video. Cheers
I’ve been battling the meds/ alcohol tornado pursuit for happiness and have always felt disconnected from others and myself much like you’ve described. Congrats on the three years and change
6:10 this is the point I learned to love myself as I am and it eased those pains
The beginning to this video has put into words what I’ve never been able to. The paralysis of taking that final step is something I’ve felt so many times. I have been in extensive therapy for the past six months over those urges and hearing someone else speak what I’ve felt is beyond cathartic. Thank you
It's amazing to find such articulated video about the subject you think all day
Gorgeous....pure poetry.
I do reached a point where i was so close to taking my life and got scared at the last minute, and instead went to the hospital. It was so hard and took months, but eventually i learned to love life again.
I am so glad you are here.
To anyone reading this, it does get better, even if its just being able to enjoy that sunrise once more ❤
0:20 I’m thankful that you’re still here. That story is almost word for word what I experienced at one point in my life, and I think this is one of the most profound things I have ever heard.
You lovely people are not alone suffering seems to be the most prevalent energy around us, but its simply temporary. We oughta evolve and transcend past mindless self indulgence and remember to be there for one another, perhaps reconnect, and attempt to hold greater levels of empathy. At the end of the day the way you treat other people is a direct reflection of the way you treat yourself. I personally and dearly believe that most, if not all the issues the world is facing right this very instant can be solved by overcoming the hate, and instead preaching love and kindness... May you all prosper, thrive, and continue to grow and learn as a whole ❤
and once again, i find comfort in one of your videos. this was an incredibly authentic and poetic piece of art. your creations are beautiful. thank you for sharing them with the world
4:15 been struggling with suicidal ideations for years. I often cudgel myself with this kind of fallacy. “At least I’m not lost in the desert gnawing on the bone of some animal to gain any modicum of nutrients, at least I’m not a child who had every limb blown off by an ied.” I put my “compatriots in suffering” in increasingly dire circumstances to try and derive some kind of bizarre pleasure in imagining that I’m not the most pathetic creature on this earth.
You will never be the most pathetic creature on this earth. Even then, there are an unfathomable amount more creatures that will never even exist. The universe will never be significantly impacted by what we as a species will achieve, let alone a single being. Sooner or later, as science predicts now, the universe will die a slow and cold death.
Every 'failure', every 'bad' thing you've done or that happened to you will not matter. All that matters is that you live your life like you want to. There is a certain amount of influence you have at your disposal. You can use this to achieve anything - if you wish to do so.
Life is a chance. You can take it or you can sit back and see what happens. There's no 'bad' choice, just 'a' choice. I wish you the best.
I almost ended it 4 separate times. Months of research went into calculating how I could do it the most efficiently, many notes were written, but I was saved by coincidence. I’m so glad I’m still here, happiness will find you.
I'm at a loss of words. You have touched my heart, my eyes started to water. You are the friend i wish to have, i hope it could happen someday somehow somewhere for we live in different parts of this beautiful globe.
I really really needed this . For years I’d say since I was 10 . I openly told my whole family I do not see myself going far into the future past 21 . But as I get closer and closer to next month ( birthday ) . I feel extremely emotional as times of self contemplation and self infliction . I essentially just been avoiding myself , creating just a shell of what to present on the outside ( outside ) because “ it was for the time being “ . I’d think about my overall affect on who I’ve known throughout my life and it’s genuinely something I feel emotionally subconscious about because I’m aware of my potential to want better . This is my first ever vid I’ve watched by you 😅 , thank you & take care .
15:57 I can’t explain how deeply I feel this in my chest right now.
Dear Michael
Your existence has made me feel things I never knew were possible. It has opened doors to endless possibilities and wonder in this world. I'm truly grateful that you're alive today and that you're sharing this video with us.
It’s insane how much of what you say resonates. Thank you for being here and for speaking and creating magic. Every one of us on this channel is better off for you being here.
I'm so grateful that a narrator such as you exists. Thank you
Your timing of this is impeccable. Thanks so much for what you're doing.
The passage at the end of this video is beautiful, thank you.
If you are reading this... you run one of the better TH-cam channels making videos in the 2020s. Thanks for persisting
I'm beyond happy that your content is available for free. Thank you.
Once upon a time I was in a really dark place. The dominoes that led to this I will not bore you with, but... I was set and had it planned. And at the brink I could not do it despite my pain. Since this when someone i know and sadly I knew a few who did go through with it over the years. Listening to others speak of it I find it hard to agree with them, because i still remember that pain that I fought past. I do not consider myself super human just a survivor. Thus I feel for those who fell because if their pain was enough for them to do what I could not it blows my mind. If there is a afterlife and I see them again I would just tell them that I missed them.
I am glad you are still with us, and sorry for those who passed. ♥
Your videos are profound and thought-provoking. No matter what you choose to do now, you've left some artful videos for the world already. You're an interesting person and I'm glad I found your channel recently.
I love the "it could be worse" analogies being as specific as they are. This is so on the nose with my train of thought during active addiction
This is the best channel on TH-cam, I stand by it. Bowing before you.
As someone currently on the heights of despair, thank you for this video ❤
i was in the heights of despair 2 weeks ago. i can genuinely say my choice to go to the ER helped me for the better. please know when to make that choice for yourself 💝
*at the height of their despair
❤❤❤ viva! Better days are coming.
my gratitude to you is beyond words. my emotions felt numb until reaching the end of this video.
"Some unique sorts of pain are so great and so large that they cannot be captured by language."
Language is our infinite tool, able to be manipulated in countless ways to describe and communicate. Yet, it is not enough to capture the full breadth of feeling. Like a logarithm getting infinitely and arbitrarily close but never touching the axis of true understanding.
I have found, in my own heights of despair, that no matter how futile it is, trying to communicate is so important. We wrap our pain in art and metaphor out of necessity for us to understand ourselves, for others to understand us, or at least try to approach that understanding.
We may never get close to describing the true scope of our pain, but by trying someone may look and see echoes of their own, and that makes us all a little less lonely. I think you've accomplished that with this video. Thank you for sharing your pain in the way that you can, in a way that resonates.
I've been subscribed to your channel for a little over a year now. I've thoroughly enjoyed all of your presentations. You speak with an eloquent humility that is inviting. This is something that I appreciate because it is genuine.
This particular presentation was poignantly relatable for me personally. You manage to speak every thought that I have had but didn't have the words for.
I'm grateful for you and I appreciate you.
Also I appreciate what you do for all of us within the audience to provoke new ways of thinking or ideas that we may not have known that we needed.
You have stated what I needed to hear when I didn't know I needed it the most and for that I want to say in the most humble, authentic and genuine way possible....., thank you so much.
After reading so many of these stories in the comments it is clear that metaphors are at once totally inadequate and sufficient at the same time to reflect that inner world. The reminder is awful and piercing but also beautiful and comforting. I am happy I am still here but I cant pretend I am without daily reminders of the reality that to live is to suffer, in a way.
Thank you for a reminder to live and enjoy despite the darkness.
I love your square videos, Mr. Horses. Thank you.
Appreciate the valley so intensely that I welcome a change of scenery. Beautiful.
I never do this, but this year i had a few moments where i wanted to end it and i'm still on the process but your videos where helping for me on this. Thank you.
Just know you're not alone, this year has been very tough, but if you hold tight to the idea that things can get better, you will always have something to live for, be glad you're here.
I understand how you feel, I've been there. I hope things will get better for you and that you keep going. It may feel impossible some days, but hold on to the knowledge that one day you won't feel like this any longer. It may seem like it will last forever but it won't, and seeing the other side is worth it. ♥
I had once planned to end it all, I was this close to taking a nap on the railroad tracks. The thought of making my mom cry stopped me from doing that. All that I can say is that I made her cry anyway, but some of these tears were tears of happiness.
The road is long and hard and agonizing, but its worth to keep on walking. Never give up. Never.
Im just a stranger on the internet but if anyone reading this needs somebody to talk to, im here.
What an extraordinary gift for my birthday 🖤
"I like it, I love it, I want some more of it" me singing on the way down.
It’s hard take that last step towards the end, just as hard as it is to choose not too. I’ve been there, I appreciate you sharing your experience
I am glad you are still here. Your videos are one of the things that kept me from catatonia after my own attempt. I hope you are happier these days; I hope to hear your videos for many years to come.
Thank you for failing your attempt.
I'm glad you're here, even if you ever stop doing videos, I'm glad you're with us (but please do videos as long as it suits your needs, you really do inspire a lot of thought and the world needs people like you)
Thank you, you are a light in a dark. Your video essays are pieces of artwork that always will stick with me, and this one like paint to a wall. Many people are grateful that you are still here, as seen by the many comments in this video. I think its fair to say that you may be a ray of sunlight that has shone down onto peoples valley.