Commenting because I think THIS should go viral (do you hear me you ridiculous, madness-mongering algorithm?!).... Thank you always for your nuanced, humorous, heartfelt, clear and comic-enhanced conversations. Brave and powerful stuff.
“Men are told they’re trash, so they don’t have motivation to try. And then rapists come and tell them they matter…” I’ve been saying that for years. If we don’t give them guidance, why are we surprised they listen to awful people, because it’s the one place they can go without being labeled toxic?
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself. If you actually listen to feminists, none of them ever say men are trash. That's just the narrative of what feminists say, not actually what we say.
You understand they are the oppressors? Please explain to me why it's our job to coddle them about the oppressive system they built to enslave us. Yours is a dangerous belief.
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself. If you actually listen to us, we don't ever say mn are trash. That's just the narrative of what feminists say, not actually what we say.
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself.
A huge problem of this is echo chambers, but also that people have very different views on what things like masculinity and feminism even are. What makes this worse is that you can't have a proper discourse online because people are always so salty and hateful online.
It's always nice when youtube's algorithm promotes something like this to me. It really felt like great timing today, because I was on the verge of rage with some of my own work & life troubles building up over the last year, and a struggle with what feels like depression. Still have a long way to go, but I will be going back to the doctor later today to see if I can get some time off work to really set my values straight again and clear my head. Thanks for making this video.
"What does a man do, Walter? A man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up and ge does it. Because he's a man." ~El Hombre Del Pollo
Beautiful yet difficult to watch video. You did an amazing job exploring a topic that has been drowned out from media and online discourse. You talked some ugly truths that cause me to do self reflection on my own levels of empathy. Knocked this one out of the park, may be your best!
@@eebbaa5560 ...um thats what i said? its drowned out by media/online discourse because its a hot topic and usually frame in a way to be controversial for clicks. This video actually talks about the nuance of it.
This made me think of a quote that might help some: "We follow the codes not because they bring gain, but because we loathe the people we would otherwise become." For those who are curious, it's from The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
I was raised as a boy, for 22 years of my life, by an abusive drug addicted father, I was sexually assaulted by my older brother at the age of 8. I grew up too quickly. throughout high school I struggled with my mental health and trauma from it all. I was always the black sheep of the family for not liking sports and because I was "too feminine" and I tried really hard to push those parts of myself way and be more traditionally masculine. Of course it didn't work and I felt more alone then ever. I was fighting a losing battle with depression and anxiety, I felt like I had nobody I could go too, and even my family ostracized me for who I was. I fell into the "brainwashed by a pedo into hating women and gays" group for a while. It never felt right but at least I was alone. I was angry form my trauma and it gave me an outlet, something to direct all my hatred at. Unfortunately it also caused me to lash out at people I did care about. SO I started reflecting. Its been nearly 5 years and I've changed a lot. I have slowly improved myself and my mental health. I have come to understand myself better, realizing I am trans, I have made friends and found hobbies. I even met my wonderful partner. I still struggle with a lot of those feelings. The Anger, The Sorrow and The Loneliness, but none of those define me, or anyone else. Not a lot of this was specifically about masculinity just my own life experiences, but I want people too know that you can get out of it, but it takes a hell of a lot of time, and patience and unfortunately what worked for me might not help you. But to anyone who actually read all of this, YOU can do it and it is worth sticking things out. Don't you dare go hollow my friend
Thanks man. I am trying to learn how to teach/help my boys grow up to be good men and my daughter how to be a good woman and videos like this help. Also, its ok to cry when talking about your friend who died.
For loneliness: I volunteer at a community bike coop. Its scary to start when you don't know much a bout bikes and don't know anybody at the shop, but if you go regularly, even going to use the space at first helps, you learn and you meet cool people. Also team sports, also game meetups, also rock climbing gyms usually have a page for meeting people. As a slackliner there's meet ups in the park. I know people from going to the same film festival for years and talking to people in the lineup. I find though that a lot of people have shame around not being good enough at sport, or know enough about thing to volunteer or are generally socially anxious so they don't do the scary thing and that reinforces the fear. In reality, if you get over the hurdle of being uncomfortable and awkward for long enough you start meeting people. You never like everyone in a large group, but you usually find someone cool, then hang out enough to be your friend.
great video man, I'm sure it'll help a lot of people! PS: One thing I gotta add though: Yes, empathy isn't limited. But attention is. So, people will make priorities and that's why it's not always easy to make one's own case heard.
This is so inspiring man. You clearly put a lot of love and thought and care into this video, and I feel it. I'm definitely gonna take this advice and keep it close to my heart. Thanks for your wisdom man.
You've done incredibly well to recover and be able to speak about child sexual abuse. I work with survivors and most take 20 years to be able to even disclose what happened to them. All the very best with your recovery.
Thanks so much ❤ i told no one until I was 29... was planning on taking it to the grave, but life took some turns. Long long long story, might make a dedicated video/book/something about it one day if I figure out how (and if making it won't make life worse)... the hard part is I never want anyone else to feel like disclosure is the only way to process it, but I defs found other people's disclosure helped me a lot
@@struthless there is research saying that mental health improves after disclosure but it's very difficult to make the step. Hopefully society is more accepting nowadays and gives you the support you need. There is a good book called The Body Keeps The Score and which has been very helpful for me to understand trauma and how to approach it. I think writing a book could help put things into their proper place i.e. the past.
When I learned graphic design we had computers for the majority of our work but we had to first layout everything on paper before we were allowed to start the digital process. Our hand done rough drafts had to be approved before starting work.
This is such an important conversation. I’m seeing many of my male students graduate and struggling big time 😢 The same adorable, creative, funny, dynamic, energetic little boys are only a shell of themselves now and it is heartbreaking
thats because of the socialisation they have experienced through media, family, friends and wider world. It teaches the young energetic, emotional boys to reject that and undergo a mental self mutilation. Teaching them that isolation and becoming unfeeling is the way forward. It disgusting and awful to witness how young an age this begins to happen. Patriarchy is terrible.
@@cuddlebear7132 With you right up to the last sentence. Attaching this issue exclusively to Patriarchs is significantly part of the problem. Man hate is a real issue.
@@marjon1703 and you are wrong to think that being critical of the current patriarchal construct is synonymous with criticising men. Yes men are required to act out an perform that dominion (women also do this but in different ways), my point is that men are victims of this status quo. So I repeat, patriarchy isn't all men. Most men do not infact benefit from patriarchy, they are mostly damaged by it.
@@cuddlebear7132 The West is absolutely, fundamentally a gynocentric social order at this point in time; you've drunk so much of the feminist kool-aid you have no grasp of reality. There is no patriarchy in the West today, plain and simple.
@@cuddlebear7132 also the role of women uphelding expectations to males, which stem from patriarchy themselves, should not be talked down. Men in power have to change as well as everyone else that makes themselves powerless by giving their power to men who are already in power.
hey sdoggydog, I just want to mention that I almost lost the war with suicide at the end of last year but specifically YOUR videos and your beautiful beautiful face helped me barely win against it. Thank you for being the reason I'm still ballin'
Loneliness. My wife and kids went to visit their grandparents for the summer and left me all alone. I have taken it upon myself to organize things to do (that I think are fun): visit a paint factory, record music on 4-track tape player, etc. Then I invite random people I distantly know to join in. I'd say about 75% of the people invited say no ... but yesterday I had 4 semi-random people come with me to a paint factory. And we all had a good time!
Honestly this is fantastic advice all around. It's simple and actionable. I've shared it with my female fiance, because they struggle with goals, motivation, and friendships as well.
@user-zv8md9xv8c the whole back half of the video… How can you expect a TH-cam video to tell you what you’re interested in? He explains some examples and how they can benefit you and what applies in his case. He never said you need to be an untrustworthy journalist, maybe what works for you is being a trustworthy journalist? Who knows? It’s what works for you and what prevents the whole “idle hands” situation.
I don't think i can put into words how good you are at this, how much people need it and how grateful i am to have found your channel. Thank you so much for being you and doing what you do
This is actually pushing a very particular feminist narrative that male experience is explained by a self afflicted internal problem related to masculinity. People are completely uncritical.
I'm a sixteen-year-old boy. When I was in kindergarten, I used to wish I was a girl - not because I was trans or anything - but just because they seemed to like themselves so much more than boys. They lifted each other up and had good role models on television and in real life. That being said, it's more common for women to be depressed than men, so it's not like one gender has it better than the other. But I will say... in my limited life experience as both a child and a boy, I've always noticed a pattern of girls flocking together, helping each other, and lifting each other up, and boys staying by themselves, working by themselves, and not showing their emotions. I've touched on masculinity and the modern issues that come with it in my own work (heck, I just wrote a whole book where masculinity and identity play a big role) but I could never have articulated it to your level. Congratulations, struthless... this video was the final swing of the hammer to bury the nail's body in the wood; I feel very seen and honestly a bit disappointed in the human race. - Mohit
You are such a bright young man. It is true that it is socially more acceptable for girls to talk about their issues. I did notice that the less focused on gender they are, the more likely for friendships to flourish between different people on a deep level that allows for men to also be vulnerable.
I agree. I'm an average boy. I can see my female classmates usually helping each other and doing teamwork quite well. But my male classmate's group is kinda... not very supportive.
Yeah I remember seeing how supportive my sisters' friendships were, or how much they at least took the effort to go through the motions of appearing that way, and thinking wtf? That doesn't seem fair. That said, there ARE good male friendships out there, sometimes you just have to be open and make room for them. Step One: learn about sociopathy and avoid it when possible.
For loneliness, something as simple as a regular walk around a neighborhood, saying hello to people (with low expectations) can build the habits you need to develop friendships later.
Agreed! Just get outside...if its too much just put on shoes and a shirt. Dont worry about a shower and just walk your block 2 or 3 times. Better to sit outside and stare at a cloud than in your room at a screen
Honestly, the saying hello with reasonable expectations is such a great place to start. Literally just saying hello with a smile to someone youre passing by (and not getting upset if they dont respond) makes me feel better. Not because it gets my social needs filled or anything, but because it gives me a little bit of momentum. It's hard to realize youre lonely and decide to go and make meaningful connections with people. It's such an intense first step. Just say hi to people as your first step, and the energy and momentum it gives you if you do it often will carry you up to making those real connections
So true. When I felt I had nothing left to lose, lucky for me I found the guts to just talk to random people that looked like they needed to talk, when everyone else on the street was pretending they weren't there, what was the worst that could happen? Just being able to share that it was tough, or being able to show someone some kindness instead of venting at the world for being so fucked, did a lot for my soul, and I hope a little something for theirs. I think that helped me in many ways
and if u feel sad, lonely, anything negative, dont consume movies/music with the same vibe.. just watched some random moto vlogger openly interacting with strangers,complementing, being curious like a kid, totally changed my view
I’m 22 and this has totally changed my perspective. It’s so easy to resort to tribalism on social media, especially against a straw man. And I just hope more people understand the message of this video because I think the education system would never address these issues as directly as this video does. ❤❤❤
23:09 "if there is no one in your life to fill that role, firstly I am so sorry" hit me like a ton of bricks. I kind of expected you not to have an answer but, from a struggling 22 year old, thank you for showing compassion. For anyone in my position, I guess we just got to thug it out for now. Hopefully things will be better in a few years.
Advice for people with "no one to talk to:" Literally anyone will let you rant to them if you buy them a drink (or two). "Can I buy you a drink?" Who TF is saying no to that? Especially if they're also a dude. When they figure out you're not trying to sell them a time-share they'll be so relieved that they don't care about your semi-embarassing story of ill-fortune.
I'm sorry to hear that, been there a few times in my life. I have survived by keeping compassion for others as well as for myself, no matter what (but find your boundaries), nurture the aspects of you that you like about yourself, being open to what may come may way, and whatever you do, do. not. stagnate. That's how the rot sets in. Besides, how are you going to find your your people if you're not looking in new places? ❤
Making myself go out to do the grocery shopping in person, and then making a point of smiling and asking people how their day was going made a big difference for me. It was a start.
Honestly that is creepy as F. As a man, if I'm in a hurry just trying to quickly pick up some food and get home so i can relax and recharge for my next day of wage exploitation and being dehumanized for money, the last thing I want is some random nobody trying to chat me up, creating an uncomfortable and awkward situation. I understand modern society is really hard and people are disconnected, but the solution lies on an institutional level, society needs a full reset. These little coping mechanism are not helping.
@@nunyabaznus7851 Unfortunately you're being cornerned into isolation because of your job. Maybe taking that extra minute to talk to someone that greets you will improve your mental health and social skills, even if it's difficult to get out of the "rush rush rush" mindset. Agree that society needs a reset, but we need to deal with our current society meanwhile. Also we need to start the reset ourselves, not wait for others to do it for us.
@@nunyabaznus7851 damn, man, sucks to hear. I get what you say, but please don't discourage someone that is doing progress and that is sharing that progress, we are all in this together. I would love to recommend you try this chatting random people up stuff, but if you truly don't like it u don't gotta do it. and if someone approaches u just trying to talk, u can still quickly end the interaction in seconds. I get what u say of the institutional and structural problems of society, but it is those small coping mechanisms you criticize that give some the energy and abilities to try and change said society. if u never cope, u'll become trapped in said institutional and structural problems (as the video said). much love my man, great week
I respect the way you took on this challenge with such nuance and thoughtfulness. I wish more content was like this. This topic could be your next book.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best mates (also male) to suicide a few years ago. And it always hurts my soul thinking he felt like there was no other way out. Keep fighting the good fight ❤
I hate what the algorithm does. My foster kid a 12 year old boy. After a while of having his own TH-cam account he started talking about how hard men had it. I checked what had been coming up and it was all these videos telling him that he's a victim. My 12 year old niece has a TH-cam account. She gets fed videos about how she's a victim. The are both getting told that they should be feel like they are oppressed by the other sex and society as a whole. Worst part is, there is injustice... They just get told they have to be horrible people to have any control over their lives.
Victimhood mentality is real and a-political. The manosphere, hardcore feminists, both are in the olympics for the gold medal of "most oppressed" rather than getting to the bottom of what oppression exists and working together.
@@discipleofdagon8195 you do know that feminism actually supports men's rights too, right? After Reagan fucked men over with a lot of their administration's policies there was actually a resurgence of men's feminist discussion. The mytho-poetic men's rights movement of the 90s was in response to it, and it was a decidedly feminist movement that broke apart due to, essentially, mysoginists who thought feminism was stupid and that women should be subservient to men. Obviously the people who founded the movement were infruriated by it, so they stopped associating. Now, men's rights activists argue for the right to legally be allowed to force themselves on any woman they see. If only there was some form of political theory (cough cough, feminism, cough cough) that was focused on attaining equality and freedom of expression for both genders.
@@discipleofdagon8195 I adore this comment, this is what I've been thinking for years now (after being radicalized and recovering). We are being pitted against each other by any and all means necessary, while the ones doing the pitting just laugh and get richer day by day
This video is so meaningful to me. I nearly took my own life on the 4th of July. Called suicide hotline twice, got told they were too busy for me twice. I didn't know where else to turn to. I ended up on my bathroom floor infront of the AC vent having one long, 5 hour panic attack. You holding up the picture of your friend got me. I had to pause and have a cry real quick. Thank you so much for making content like this. Especially for fellow addicts like myself. You know that video you have about putting people into your "brain slots"? You are a permanent fixture in that. I aspire to be as inspirational and down to earth as you. I can't say thank you enough.
Panic atack and depression are modern problems. check out how the tribes where civilization is still not being present are enjoying their lives. they don't have expensive smartphones, cars etc. but they wholeheartedly love and being loved by strong community
I'm not a man, but I feel like piping up and saying, I love your point about, it doesn't matter if there's a crisis or not, because empathy and compassion are always good regardless. It's a point I've made before and it makes me happy to see someone else making it too. And agreement on a whole bunch of other points too. I hope this video manages to help many people who are struggling.
It’s a point that’s not here nor there. We have been able to understand with women’s issues that it’s necessary to talk about that the issue exists and solutions for it as much as we can which builds awareness and change. Yes we should talk about there in fact existing a crisis
I really wish a good amount of women could grow up and allow for this empathy to grow for men. Looking online, talking to women, hearing stories from my fellow men, and going to rallies, there’s not a lot going around. We can’t even share our insecurities
The big struggle I have with loneliness is having tried for years (since junior year of high school - I'm in my mid-20s now) to make close friends, to be the guy who reaches out, organizes activities/hang-outs, is reliable and dependable, etc. And without fail, despite all my effort across dozens of people of all different backgrounds, personalities, etc., not a single person has reciprocated the energy I tried to bring. Nobody reaches out to me to see how I'm doing. Nobody asks me to hang out with them. It feels so horribly demotivating that nobody in my life puts forth effort to care about me in even a fraction of the way I put effort to care about them. I dont really know how to cope with doing everything right, and the result being the same as if I never tried. Relationships aren't transactional of course so I don't have any demand towards others to be any way, but real relationships aren't one-sided either. I'm tired of being this extroverted, sympathetic, caring person who tries to bring people together only for nobody to be there for me when I need it, or for no one to show that I'm also wanted.
Sorry to hear that!! I struggled with this a bit as well in college and what helped me was going to like art classes or other grpup activities where youre with the same group of people week to week doing an activity - it really helped me form some close relationships with people who had the same interests that I did and made it easier on me because I didint ahve to plan anything I just showed up to class. Don't know if thatll help but wishing you the best!
People only want to spend time around men who are some combination of powerful, rich, successful, handsome. If you don't have any of those cards to play every single social connection is like being dangled over a cliff with sweaty hands. I've had multiple friends of 20 years just kind of drop me. They have better lives with better friends who are more successful, less isolated, less stilted and warped, and so even if I make the effort to work on the relationship, it is entirely one sided.
You're absolutely not alone here and I know exactly how you feel, having always been the same way. For just once I'd like someone else to be the one to ask me to go do something with them or ask how I'm doing or make any effort at all to be around me, but it seems like nobody ever does. That honestly hurts even more than not having any friends to begin with, as it makes you question if these people even really care for you at all. Especially because you know that they probably do care for you to an extent, it's just not in the same way you do for them. It's torture man.
Hey man, that is awful to hear! I hope you know that even if it seems impossible, you will be able to find close friends at some point in your life. Some things to ease the mind first, most humans tend to rely on transactional relationships until atleast their 20's, especially at younger ages this is incredibly obvious. (This guy in kindergarten has all the cool toys so im going to be his friend, rather common behaviour for childeren). People who are more susceptible to emotions (ie people with autism) tend to feel left out of the social space because they recognise (or sense, sometimes you can't put your finger on it) the transactional part a bit earlier than most. (Which is an awful lonely feeling to carry.) Something to consider, whilst being extraverted and outgoing can be a great character trait to have, it isn't really necesary to make close friends. 6 years ago i made friends with some people across the atlantic ocean over discord and a year ago i actually collected the courage to fly over and visit them. Suddenly it no longer mattered that i was someone who really enjoys solitude, weird internet niches and self isolates every couple of months to regain social energy, the internet is filled with introverted weirdo's like that and it allowed me to be myself. And i trust 100% that you can find a sphere where you can be so aswell. So to finish off, you're not doing anything wrong. (as far as i know) but maybe you are doing it all for the wrong people. Putting in tremendous work to get people who don't really care about you to even acknowledge you is a horrible feeling and a very sure way to absolutely ravage your self esteem. (Not to mention it is going to take up energy you really need for yourself aswell) Wish you all the best luck, and i believe in you!
I have a frosting/cake analogy that I think might apply. In this case, the frosting is made up of human characteristics that are easy to see from the outside -fun, good-looking, life of the party, visible interesting hobbies, dress well, in shape, witty, etc. The cake is made up of the characteristics that are harder to see, or really more time to see - caring, there in the hard times, thoughtful, educated, solid friend etc. Some people have great frosting but their cake is rotten. You're prob not one of those people. Others have no or little frosting but great cake. You're prob one of those people. Everyone is initially attracted to the frosting, and nobody can help it, yourself included. The frosting is what we can see, it's what attracts us. But unfortunately people with great frosting often have shit cake and end up hurting those around them in the end. They're also often the people who put a lot of energy into their frosting because they need more than the normal amount of attention. It takes a lot of quiet, uncelebrated hard work to make yourself into a good cake. You've already done that! Kick ass! Throwing a little frosting on there is easier... So that's what you need to work on. Hobbies, get in shape, conversational skills etc. You can do that.. You already have great cake. Frosting is nbd when you already did the hard part. Then you can attract the real friends you want. But also get rid of this idea of "doing everything right." Obviously you're not "doing everything right" to get the results you want, and there's probs no such thing anyway. Don't put that pressure on yourself.
Wait this guy is crazy based It’s so difficult to find people who will talk about men’s issues while not also being misogynist. I really appreciate the data here, and the grounding in the logic that empathy is valuable, always, for everyone. Really appreciate this, and will totally show it to others. I hope your friend found peace, man. The love you have for him shows in your work and in your voice, and I’m sure he knew how you cared for him. I hope the memory of him can be helpful to you.
"t’s so difficult to find people who will talk about men’s issues while not also being misogynist." try finding a woman talking about any gender issue without shitting on men lol. in truth though there should be more women that talk about this, im subbed to a few women that do without being misandrists and theyre a fantastic delight that are thankfully picking up really high subscription rates as of late!
@flamingmanure There are plenty of feminists who do work exclusively on men and masculinity, and are extremely sympathetic in their analysts towards men's issues. R.W. Connell's framework of New Sociology of Masculinity, Michael Kimmel's academic work, Al Young's work on Black masculinities. These aren't fringe frameworks either. The problem is that people refuse to actually read what feminist theorists and academics are writing in favor of arguing with randoms on Twitter and TH-cam. These are feminist frameworks exclusive dedicated to men's issues. R.W. Connell coined the phrase "hegemonic masculinity" to describe the way that patriarchy negatively affects both men AND women, and subjugates alternative conceptions of masculinity. But of course, you'd never hear about that in common discourse because it's strawmanned and misinterpreted to death. You have to read.
@@flamingmanure Plenty of women and feminists talk about how the misogyny in our society is hurting men too. The issue is people hear "feminist" and immediately stop listening. Or they fall into the us vs them trap listed here and assume feminists must be against them before ever considering what they say. Or again, as this video points out, see only the tiny minority that is most reactionary due to social media. The truth is, the comment you're replying to is right. There is an unfortunately high number of creators who talk about men's issues who find a way to point the finger at women and decide that women have it so much easier...instead of actually considering the driving forces behind them. Or they assume the very valid concerns women raise about the huge problem of violence, harassment, and assault against women (statistically, most often by a man) must inherently be an attack on *all men* or meant to make them feel guilt for being male. That just isn't true. And while those creators may not be the majority, they get a lot of traction and lead young men down a very scary path that hurts both them and the women in their lives.
@@flamingmanure almost all women I know are outspoken feminists, and they support women's rights without being a-holes to men. The discussion of systemic problems requires pointing them out, if you think that a critique of the social ideal of masculinity is an attack on men, that's a *you* problem.
@@michaelhenry4845 I 100% agree with you feminism absolutely can benefit men and there are feminists who are very supportive of men and their struggles. I will also be honest and say that is unfortunately a small ass minority of all women/feminists I have heard SO many more women casually shit on men even in front of me than I have be compassionate of men's issues in society.
I was there, no friends, no getting out of the house… I joined some community activities, they are cheap, and you at least get to see people on a regular basis. Then I joined a group to make plans out in my city, 0 expectations, just going to the cinema, playing board games and some other plans. Fast forward I now have a group of friends, I’m going on vacation with them, I’m dating one of the guys in my group, and I feel seen and valued. I thought I would never get out of there, that nobody would care, and I still feel lonely at times, but seeing my friends adapt to my dietary restrictions in order for me to be able to eat out, or them being vulnerable and opening about stuff makes me feel valued.
That is monumental and something that I am honestly way too anxious to do, joining a community of new people and finding a friend group AND a lover like that is something that is incredibly difficult. Even if I did join a friend group like that, i don't think I'd have the courage to ask any girl out, that is incredibly difficult to do and I'd be afraid to upset the group dynamic or cause any drama by being an inexperienced idiot. Major kudos to you.
@@gordongekko2781 there are certain apps for making friends, check which ones are available where you live and someone in one of those apps told me about a group. Also: groups to make friends in x city. Or through facebook, I have friends that moved to other cities and joined Facebook groups to make friends. Good luck
I'm a 43-year-old woman, and about 8 years ago, I was dating a guy who told me that I should just say whatever was on my mind and not care what people thought about me. To him, women not speaking their mind is because they were too afraid to do it. What he didn't understand was that there is a very real social cost for women to speak up, that men might not see, because the cost is not the same to them. I say this because I believe that the reverse is also true. I think that as women we need to look outside ourselves a little bit more and understand the cost to men for doing things that we recommend, like "be more sensitive" or "be vulnerable" or "stop trying to look tough." We don't have the same cost if we do these things as men do when they do these things. We have to be sensitive to the cost and work together on solutions that take reality into account, not just telling people to do the ideal thing and ignore the actual repercussions that they will encounter in life. I hope this makes sense. This is a great video.
This is something that I think has cut a lot of men very deeply. Turns out, the "be more sensitive and vulnerable" advice was a COMPLETE lie and it' is almost universally a disastrous move. The last TWO times I was honest with a woman about how she'd hurt me, the both didn't speak to me for a month.
Wow, this makes so much sense. thank you for this. Where do you think these social costs come from? From my understanding, people doing the ideal thing leads to a lack of or loss of respect. I’ve personally felt this when I’ve been vulnerable with women in the past. Is it part of the social programming that we’ve all been subjected to?
@@twelvecatsinatrenchcoat It sounds like you saw their true colours? You deserve a woman who can be held accountable and who cares about your feelings. Not all women are assholes, the good ones actually care if they have upset someone they love...
@@idlekaty1508 Everyone says that, but one of these women is like my second favorite person on earth. She's amazing. But she, like most women, is not interested in hearing about men's feelings. Women like how it feels to SAY that. They DONT like how it feels to actually do it.
This video is a breath of fresh air. No extreme political bias, no controversial affirmations, no arrogance. Just honest and mature conclusions of your own. Love it!
@@minabotieso6944 social media, a place where men and boys are constantly demeaned by others, where little boys get hooked on p*rn (and in the case of instagram, targeted by it), where they’re drawn to poor excuses for men as role models, and where they become addicted to the very apps that have been proven to worsen mental health. It’s not the only culprit, but the difference between a child raised with and without access to social media is huge.
@@jeffreychandler8418 I was referring to iPad kids, but I’m sorry you’ve been treated badly. That truly breaks my heart. You may not believe it now, but there are people out there who will really care about you and will add to your life instead of taking away from it. Heck I’m a stranger and I care about you so hang in there. I don’t know if it means much since I don’t know what you believe, but I’ll pray God sends you a true friend.
@@virtual123hug see that's the thing, I've been hearing "youll get a true friend" for two decades at this point. my therapist says I'd make a great friend and partner my acquaintances seem to really enjoy my company I even express my interest in others. but the universe has to play a cosmic joke on me
Waymond is the type of man I strive to be, been taking care of my wife for 15 years(we take care of each other tbh) we have a daughter and I would do anything for them. Waymond in EEAAO is just such a strong presence, he's not bulky or intimidating, he's just a strong willed father and husband who just wants his family to be happy.
see I saw waymond and instantly started crying because NO ONE EVER understood me, and they used it to take advantage of me. I see waymond as the precise failures I experienced
I also cried to Waymond, especially the speech he gave near the end. Give me chills just thinking about it. Absolute masterpiece of a movie glad to see it here
Random acts of service ease loneliness. Just taking someone's bin out & you know the world's a slightly less crappy place today because you're in it. Remind yourself you're worthy of life and companionship.
it helps in a temporary, but it doesn't fix it. I find its more relevant to managing the depression from loneliness than actually helping the loneliness.
“Hey, your feeling unappreciated, pushed aside and not listened to? How about you do more for other people? To hell with your feelings or struggles. WE WANT more and your depressed ass has nothing better to live for than doing things for others knowing they’ll never be reciprocated. No purpose or direction how about be a slave to society and women with nothing but more suffering in return” is all I hear with these types of responses from women. Nothing person but that’s what depressed, overworked, unloved men hear. Most men’s lives are a never ending circuit of random acts of kindness that are just directed by those holding emotional hammers over their heads by people who “love” them.
It works for women but I don’t think it works for men. As an example if you got breast cancer today I would do a marathon for you tomorrow to raise awareness. Because I could get it, and also it makes me feel good to help you. But the only time men ever join fathers for justice is when they’re a father seeking justice. I just think they’re too focused on themselves to get a boost from helping others and I’m not saying that to be mean or sexist, it’s just my experience that women live in the world and men live in their own skin. Their first loyalty is always to themselves even when it comes to love and things, their gesture of love would never involve letting their girlfriend go because it was the best thing for example. Because their prime thought is about themselves. I don’t think men really do love, or not the way we do.
Send it to them. It probably would be awkward, but so many men (including me) don't know how to take the first step so they don't. By having the first step given to them it might make it awkward, but it is a start and it is up to them - not you - on how they continue to move forwards from that point.
no idea, i wish it was easy, whenever im genuine with other guys they break out the "its not that deep" defense mechanism, shutting down any hope of conversation
Thank you for this video and your take on masculinity! As a mama of a 17 year old searching for ways to understand and support him, you have done humanity a great service. Thank you for your humility, creativity, service, courage, humor and heart. So appreciated. 🙏🏼
I've seen too many parents give up on their kids when they hit that age. "I don't know what happened to him" "That's not how I raised him!" "He just won't listen" Hopefully your 17 year old grows to appreciate your efforts. I sure as hell do.
As a single 19 year old male feeling lost while trying to navigate life I needed this video. I feel like my life is on hold until the world settles down and becomes rational again
I hate to be the one to say it, but the world hasn't been rational in a long time and probably won't be any time soon. All you can do is work with what you've got as best you can to build the life you want - even while there is chaos ongoing around all of us. Work out what you want in life, and work out the most reliable way to get to that from where you are now. Allow for roadblocks and diversions and plan ways around them. And then go and do it. Being nineteen is terrifying, but it's also awesome - you can do so much with the years ahead of you!
@@tealkerberus748 thank you for your input! It truely is as terrifying as it is exciting. However I feel like I am at more of a disadvantage than prior generations which is really tough. Despite that I am still doing everything I can to succeed and find my sense of belonging and purpose while sticking to my morals with good judgement in a difficult society.. dating is probably the hardest aspect of life for me at the moment..
@@nathansmith5726 Bro, I would hold off on dating right now, unless you find someone who is morally willed enough to defy the norm. Most young guys aren't fitting into social roles that fulfill them within relationships right now; because of skewed social dynamics and expectations. I'd try and focus on your habits and life, and how to best live it according to something unaffected by our current times.
@@jasondean37 yep and I have been throwing myself into work, education, financial education, and hobbies etc but at the same time I feel like I'm missing a partner. I want to share life with someone but no one my age thinks like that.. it's hard always being the mature one :(. Also I don't even know where or how to look for genuine women. Dating apps are horribly designed. Bars usually attract hookups and not genuine connections. Where else can I even go? If you try to connect with someone or hit on someone outside of these places then you are seen as creepy.. feels like you can never win, especially as a man in 2024..
@@nathansmith5726 Do you think a third party would help? It doesn't have to go as far as an arranged marriage, but friends introducing you to someone, family finding someone, and basically having the community involved in some way could help. Of course this depends on culture and your connections so might just be a vague idea more than any realistic plan.
I don't know how relevant my opinion on masculinity is as a butch lesbian, but to me healthy masculinity is wanting to make those around you feel safe when you're nearby. And your willingness to be vulnerable and honest about trauma and struggles makes me feel very safe and welcomed. Thank you.
theres kind of a dark side to that though for men. the whole "protector" role has an underlying vibe of us being the ones who should put ourselves in harms way or sacrifice ourselves and us being less worthy of being protected in turn. and if you bring that up a lot of people, men and women, are prone to reject or punish that sorta vulnerability, cause we all have a lot of really deeply internalized patriarchal expectations and norms. he might have addressed that in the vid, still watching. shout out to butch lesbians though, had one as a supportive adult in my life as a kid, pretty sure all kids need at least one.
@@GillamtheGreatest Cam can talk about hard things while still finding safety within himself in the moment, and that conveys safety around the truth for others too. I think there is an interesting parallel here with safety like that and what you say about protector roles. Our nervous system talk to each other non-verbally - cues of safety include if this person is visibly alarmed or tense with fright then I should be on alert too. If they are are at ease, and relatively calm, even with difficult topics then we too can feel reassured that solutions and repair can be found. (It's hard to convey this via text messages, as there is no tone or breath sounds to 'read' the other person's body state) I think women are expected to be that calm as part of a protector role within the smaller circle of the family and children. We know that it's better for caregivers not to be stressed because that gets carried across non-verbally to kids nervous systems, making it harder to grow up healthy. So sense of safety and ease for the mother for herself is encouraged. (some call this common sense, for others it can be very difficult to achieve) Men, as human beings with the same nervous system (different resources), must be similar- as 'caregivers' to the mothers AND the children, the larger unit of the family and community. It makes sense that to do that role well men also need ways to maintain a felt sense of safety and ease for their own selves, and that may mean getting support from society, and from partners or good friends. And from your inner values, perhaps in the form of a personal code. This inner sense of safety is part of being a safe person, someone who provides a sense of safety to others. Basically it's a cycle of trust... and concentric circles of safety. Dying to protect the more vulnerable should really only be a very last resort. we all need men around as support! Just a thought, I probably made it too wordy sorry!
Why isn't it the others persons job to make themselves feel safe I don't care at all whether people feel safe around me. If they don't feel safe that's THERE problem
With the deepest respect, I could only watch snippets of the video after you opened by saying you understand where men are coming from but married your soulmate at the age of 21 and have been together for 12 years. Loneliness is at the root of the problem, but our culture and society are the cause of male disillusionment. Society is more isolating than ever. It's harder than ever for men to form relationships with friends, nevermind form romantic relationships. Western culture constructs ideal man as stoic, sexually successful and financially independent. Because of stoicism, men can't talk about their mental health. This is ingrained at the most basic level and it doesn't matter how much we delude ourselves into thinking that dumb mantras like "it's okay to not be okay" and other inauthentic grandstanding is a solution. It's not. As a man, if you show weakness by talking about your mental health, you will be looked down upon with contempt if you do not have the close personal confidants that so many men lack. You will get no leniency from your employer as a man. Our digital age attention spans are so short that we're conditioned to see talking about mental health in social circles as attention-seeking. Most men quickly realize that if an authentic support network doesn't already exist for them then extracting pity from people who are compelled by social obligation or money to pretend to care just makes them feel weak. Because of the emphasis on sexual sucess in an age where dating has been industrialised with apps, and where information and digital discourse travels so quickly, we have created environments in which many men can't compete in the dating market, many more men are too afraid to even try, and in which being mediocre or unoriginal is no longer good enough. All the while traditional avenues of meeting people locally in communities have been eroded. Asking how someone's day was and showing an interest in their activities and their identity as a person is now too boring. If you're not socially equipped to engage people and impress, you are at a major disadvantage. We have the data to show that dating apps are overwhelmingly flooded with single men and that staggering percentages of men can't find relationships in their 20s. It's an almost universally ingrained maxim that if you reach the age of 30 and you're single or have been sexually unsuccessful you're basically the biggest loser to walk to the earth in the view of society at large and a lot of men live in fear of that. Because of the emphasis on financial independence at a time where cost of living has been rocketing and where house prices and rent costs are at historic highs - at proportions of income that are staggeringly higher than they were earlier in the last century - men feel like there is no striking out on their own. For many men it just simply isn't financially feasible, even in full time work in professions that historically were considered respectable. So you now have men that have come to realize that love and acknowledgement by others in their life time is far from guaranteed, that they can't be their own person financially by working in professions that historically would have comfortably allowed you to be your own man, and that it is socially frowned upon for them to be upset about either of those things and much of the time they have noone to share that pain with in any authentic capacity whatsoever. That's why you have flocks of men choosing toxic, hateful ideologies in droves. Pretending that that the cult of ideal man doesn't exist, doesn't work for most men when it's everywhere. It's easier to find a talking-head who will reconcile the dramatic gap in expectations and reality with a diatribe about they are under attack.
There is loads of truth in what you wrote, and I bet virtually every person can relate to at least part of what you describe. We both know yours and other mens' situations will not be sorted by a youtube video or a comment, but I just wanted to let you know there's a strong chance that it will get better and that you should be proud of the strength it takes to just keep on trying. Anyway, I hope your day is going well, random youtube stranger!
Yup. I gave up ages ago. I hated how people treated when I was a kid so my disposition already brought me to being a loner. I've had nothing but time to grow in relative solitude. I don't really feel lonely these days. If there's any critique it's that I don't relate to anybody. I revel in this, but I do find it perplexing that people wound up like this. I grew up when stuff like cell phones still had buttons and our social media was myspace so I don't think I could've guessed we'd go in this direction where everyone is locking themselves up and suffering despite being so connected. It's weird that I find myself giving advice on how to cope with things but I just don't have the same wiring as the people suffering from this do at the end of the day. I had a screwed up childhood environment and a much more welcoming adult life, even though most people would say that the state I'm in is pretty destitute. I don't feel "Bonds" like a lot of people do. I could be a schizoid of some sort really, the stereotypes match up pretty nicely for me. But I do feel bad that people who suck at being alone like that are suffering, I had loftier expectations of the people belittling me but now we're all in the same boat and I think that boat's rather overcrowded personally.
One thing for your question about getting out of loneliness: Getting a grip around hobbies helps socializing. Look out for clubs in your area about things that you love, search the internet for group meetings, local institutions where you can follow your hobbies. It is hard to overcome the anxiety to go there, I know, but step by step you'll get in touch with people that share your interest and this is a very good thing to start and strengthen interpersonal relationships.
this could not have come at a better time for me, trying to pull myself out of a mental health decline and figure out where and how to take control of my life. damn. thanks, Cam.
Here's my formula for making friends. It takes some time, but it works. First, find an event happening in your community that happens regularly. Maybe a club or class at a library, maybe a board game night at a bar, maybe an armature sports league. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you have some interest in it and it happens regularly. Second go to that thing. Yup, that's it nothing really special. Third, keep going to that thing -- become a regular. Just keep showing up and participating. Eventually you'll start to recognize people there and they will recognize you. That recognition will make it easier to have conversations. Those conversations are how friendships start.
Absolutely this, you just got to put in the time. No two ways around it. Having something regular always this. Can utra suck at first when you don't know anyone. But once you push through that it's so much better. People like people who like the same things so just do that. Underground music scenes are another good one too.
@@thechugg4372 that is something I've never considered. Thanks for the insight. Although there is usually a local scene of some sort even if it's traditional music??
Yes! I also want to emphasize you need to *participate*, which means talking to and actively engaging in their lives and allowing them to engage with your life. Cheer people on their wins. Remember the sorts of things they talked about and bring them up again later. You don't have to be perfect or even super accurate about it. The important part is engaging.
As a gay man I might be out of my element, but from what I notice when it comes to hetero men and the crisis they are going through, online Masculinity like Andrew Tate and such might not be the answer, but the alternatives that society provides aren't so great either, it's full of lies, wishful thinking, gaslighting, or outright man hating. So I'm not surprised when these lost men go to people like Andrew Tate, and on some level I blame society for making that bed.
Yeah I call bullshit. There are loads of options for young men on the internet that aren't reinforcing toxic masculinity. But they don't go the easy way of just blaming minorities and women for mens problems, which is a much easier pill to swallow for men than that maybe they have to work on themselves too.
I used to share this perspective too, to the point where I'd get very defensive whenever I heard topics relating to words like "toxic masculinity", which is a term that is often misunderstood. I think one thing to consider is that most of society does not hate men, despite what people on social media are telling us, and that the problem is that many of us (men) lack perspective. People who are critical of men and masculinity are really asking us for something very simple, they are asking us not to be willfully ignorant, not to be bigoted, and to learn to be more empathetic towards women and other marginalized groups of people. It's not really about us, but rather how our behavior as men affects other people. It's not a personal failing for us to admit that we (men) have biases that have been cultivated within a misogynistic society that tells men how to behave in self-destructive ways. We can convince ourselves that our problems are rooted from "society" or women, or some "other" group of people, when the reality is that we (men) are hurting ourselves. Men built the society we live in, men tell people how they should behave (whether literally or through media), men tell us who to vote for, men violently police each other's behavior. Because of how over-encompassing masculinity is in our culture, it is also reinforced within those who aren't men, don't identify as such, or don't quite fit in as men, which further perpetuates the problem.
@@SleepyMatt-zzz "People who are critical of men and masculinity are really asking us for something very simple, they are asking us not to be willfully ignorant, not to be bigoted, and to learn to be more empathetic towards women and other marginalized groups of people." thats so unbelievably and laughably untrue that, your either willfully ignorant, or just extremely oblivious, your narrative sounds like your typical femcel toxic narrative but with less insults. in truth, people like you just cant admit that there are negative treats to both sexes. also, it seems like empathy is always asked from men, but never given, thats an underlying issue in society (and that includes men AND women) and frankly im not sure you actually watched this video. my question to ppl with your perspective is, why is it so hard for you to admit there are many male victims? why is it so hard for you to admit that there are objectively more male victims than female in almost every crime category but sexual? why is it so hard for you to admit that there are misandry and sexism against men is getting normalized in 1st world society, entertainment and media? and that many toxic women spread a femcel message just like many incels do the same? "We can convince ourselves that our problems are rooted from "society" or women, or some "other" group of people, when the reality is that we (men) are hurting ourselves." more shameful victim blaming and mindless generalizations that dont help anyone, especially men and the only reason you have this perspective is due to your indoctrination of the femcel narrative that low key generalizes the blame of the patriarchy to all men, regardless of their victimhood or not. alot of this nasty femcel drivel your spouting is toxic, and is objectively part of the problem, as it doesnt take into account the higher levels of trauma men are more likely to get exposed to in life if statistics is anything to go by. this "hurting ourselves" narratives is a misandrist toxic take wrapped in an empathetic one, mens issues are laughably more complex than that. in truth, society doesnt hate men NOR women, society isnt a moral structure, and never will be, society is mailable and never operated the way youre thinking it does. men didnt create society lol ( which is the greatest achievement in the history of animal history on this planet, and were going to another planet soon becuz of the society men has built), society was created based on the needs and dynamics and requirements for it to actually function and for people for that era to survive. this is why i hate your type of perspective and rhetoric. theres not much thinking or research put into it, your only variable is that all kingdoms were created by men (not even a fraction of a fraction of all men mind you), therefore society is created by men, which is simplistic and dismissive.
@@SleepyMatt-zzz Yet another ''men are inherently toxic and everything wrong in this world'' nonsense. Go get therapy for your man-hating,it's unhealthy
Honestly, you don’t even have to be a dude for this kind of toxicity around what being a “man” is in contrast to being a “woman” to get to you. Like, I remember when my dog died and I was just crying and then I thought “god, I’m such a girl for crying”. And like, I don’t even think of myself as man, I just didn’t want to be a woman. So I was berating myself for crying. When my dog literally died in front of me. The expectations we put on everyone-but especially men-to avoid being “like a girl” are just awful.
Absolutely. Femininity and Masculinity are two sides of the same gender expectation coin and so the same is true of toxic masculinity and toxic femininity, which often work to reinforce one another. Like the whole "be dainty, quiet and submissive" toxic ideal of femininity that we've thankfully started to kill is the reflection of the whole machismo "be strong, loud and violent to get what you want" of toxic masculinity. We really can't completely get rid of either until we wholesale change our gender expectations for men and women alike.
To people in loneliness: Don't hide it. A friend of mine always made meta-commentary when we talked in university about how he is awful at talking to people because he lacks practice. As an introvert, I really felt that and I made it a point to always talk to him when I saw him around in the train or on campus. Don't pretend that you are having a great time and if someone looks like he might be lonely, maybe try to talk to them. Also: Specialized forums are great for introverts. There are often old folks who can't even hide their excitement if a young person wants their opinion. I had an old guy drive an hour to me because he wanted to help me set up an aquaponic system. All I did was to post in a local forum and ask for beginners advice.
Also as an introvert don't shut off chances for yourself. Go for it and fail, then you will start to fail less, and will get better at talking to others.
I am introvert and honestly, I think not hiding something like that can have it's consequences. It's very nuanced, because I've had it both ways. Admitting to people you're not ok has gotten me one of 2 reactions: 1. Then do X Y Z to get better bro (usually go to gym or therapy, which I am not saying either are bad, just saying what I get told) 2. "Ugh, no one cares about your problems". It's a very delicate thing to be vulnerable as a man like that, because frankly a lot of people just do not know how to handle it. You aren't "supposed" to be vulnerable, it's a shock to the system of many people.
If you are struggling with outbursts, especially physically - I can absolutely recommend learning the drums. Great way to hit things and make lots of noise for a good purpose, instead of uncontrolled violence. Anger is a normal and healthy part of having human feelings as I am finding out! Channelling your feelings through decidedly positive physical activity can be totally meditative and rewarding like nothing else for your mind.
lmao but when I get angry and let it out through something productive the anger itself is still seen as "dangerous" even though I have never and will never hurt a fly
I was a drumer for about a year or 2 of my life but only in studios for practicing that already had drums. They are so goddamn expensive by themselves but I really want a drumset in my own home (electric one ofc.). I honestly think they're not a good outlet for anger, especially if you are trying to be decent at them. The reason being is that drums aren't really "hit and make noise", you HAVE to be controlled and measured, sounding off beat and like you're throwing a fit will sound good for no one, including yourself. It takes years before you can "let loose", until then, the process itself can be frustrating enough to contribute to anger problems, not detract.
Older millennial lady here. I've experienced men with the "toxic" mentality all my life. Dated and loved a few of them. When I tried to tell them how to be better, they dismissed me. Because I was a woman and could never understand them was their reasoning why. I knew the message would have to come from another man. I'm glad you're reaching out to them. Hopefully it isn't too late for them.
As a man, I do want to mention that men should be open to hearing messages from women. When I was in my 20s (which was awhile ago), an older female friend pretty much pointed out what I needed to work on if I ever wanted women in general to like me. It maybe wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. She delivered it in a compassionate, empathetic way, so it resonated. So hopefully some of the men you tried to help later thought things over and tried to improve, even if perhaps you were never aware. They might not even be willing to admit they listened.
While it might break through to some more toxic men, by & large these men have no trouble dismissing other men who come to them with views breaking their own orthodoxy by discounting them as "soy" & considering their masculinity as invalid. You cannot force someone to question themselves if their entire sense of identity & ego is bound up in having internalised these toxic archetypes from such a young age that they have little conscious memory of having ever embodied anything else. Usually it'll have to start through having it directly and unambiguously negatively impacting them personally in a very obvious way but even then they'll resist & resist & blind themselves. Individuals who learn & change tend to be the exceptions to the rule, and at the broad level, it's generations who learn new things, not individuals.We spend our whole lives operating under assumptions based on everything we've learned to until that point, so it's harder to unlearn, than learn.
I could have posted that. (Except I'm older, and dated and loved more of them.) The problem with becoming a better human is it means doing many of the things that society defines as "female." It requires vulnerability. In the male culture of domination, those traits are downright dangerous. The answer, though, is to discourage dominance behavior, and encourage connection and support instead. ...which is considered female. ...which means dominance culture is the real issue, not "being men."
@@kikijewell2967 it's ironic because society also tells men to be "rebels" and "mavericks" but then if they try to be feminist it's all like "No! Not like that!". The term "feminist" has been completely poisoned in the minds of so many people in society because they don't see it as equal rights. Ironically, men have now been instilled with a kind of victimhood mentality that prevents them from joining with women to overcome made-up gender stereotypes. Anti-men feminism practically doesn't exist. It's such a non-problem that videos that claim to show people spreading anti-men feminism half to fill up half the time with fake examples like MRA types pretending to be such and "real" feminists mocking the position and then clipped out of context. On the other side, "Red Pill" nonsense is prevalent as heck on social media and extremely popular with young men. At that point, it's really about parenting and making sure kids aren't consuming garbage media, tbh.
I spent decades creating long-form programming at PBS, CNN, and ABC. I worked with many of the BEST people in the business. You are as good and often better than most of them. Thank you for being SO good at what you do, every piece makes me happy and gives me hope.
As a '91 baby raising two boys this hits at what worries me to my bones. Cam, thank you. This is such an important perspective to what is a very challenging narrative for young boys and men today. I also acknowledge the courage it takes to talk your deepest vulnerabilities and your voice is one of a few who I really do believe makes the internet toilet a better place to be 👏
As a young man who has found your channel mostly for journaling I didn't expect this video. But i'm so thankful that it was here. These are exactly the things that I've been struggling with for a while. This needs to be shared everywhere! And for those struggling with being lonely. I've really found that having someone to talk to alleviates that. It can be anyone. Just don't be afraid of judgement. Be you. Be unapologetically you.
Damn this hit extra hard because one of if not the biggest problem I've had throughout my whole life is the fear of judgement. I constantly judge myself and fear judgement from others so much that i feel like I'm losing touch with myself from so much pretending and acting. I wish i had the confidence to just be myself man
I've been a feminist for a long time and use the term 'toxic masculinity', but I've also always been acutely aware of the unique struggles men face and don't attribute toxicity to all masculinity. I'm always careful to define it as a subset of masculinity that hurts women AND the men who hold it. You can be a big brawny man's man who loves sports and has a man cave, be the complete stereotypical image of Western masculinity, and still have healthy masculinity. Problematic masculinity is what keeps men from seeking help and causes them to express all of their emotions as indifference or aggression. I've been deeply hurt by men and sexism throughout my life. But I've also seen the ways my male friends have been deeply hurt throughout their lives, that I can't relate to having been raised female. There is room for both of these categories of issues to exist, be talked about, and be taken seriously. It's not about making men wear dresses, it's about supporting them to be physically capable of crying when they're overwhelmed and being able to say "I'm not doing good, I need help" when they need to, because that's human. If allowing them to express baseline vulnerability also opens them to wanting to try out stereotypically feminine things, I don't give a damn. I don't give a damn if a good man never wants to stray from his stereotypical masculinity, as long as he's alright and has the emotional intelligence to not cause needless pain. It really hurts my heart that young men and boys who haven't done anything wrong are being exposed to this kind of rhetoric from both extremes, without the offline real-world context that it's not normal.
Great comment. It always creates a mess when terms that should be used with caution instead gets thrown around wildly, to the point where the original meaning seems to be lost or people just kind of let it mean whatever they don’t like.
@@Koroar I think feminists generally do, though the ones that don't are few and far in-between, but our dopamine receptors get giddy when they see the number that are feathered and tarred on social media and then our brains generalize those few as feminism as a whole.
Great video What amazes me about "masculinity" and stuff like that is why people worry abput that. Like, if you are happy, yoi will never worry about stuff like that. And the second thing that amazes me is, instead of peopke try to solve that unapiness, no, they turn to twitter and youtube arguing with another people, just to feel something. Imagine being on deadbed and think "i wish i won more internet discussions"
People worry about it because we have a need for boundaries. Most, not all, people need a clear path to learning. Like, if we want to be a plumber, we need someone to learn plumbing from. We don't just say, don't let anyone tell you how to do plumbing, just do plumbing the way you think you should. So yes, young men need to learn how to be men. The thing is, if people of goodwill are unwilling to teach, people like Andrew Tate will be teaching them.
i think people worry about it because they were told a story by their fathers as to how they would be able to navigate the world as men, and what a man is, based on their fathers' experiences in a less progressive world. and now that they have come of age, their expectations have been shattered and they don't know what to do. i know the same happened to me as a woman - i had to grieve the notion that men would be running after me trying to get my attention and stuff like that, and that this not happening doesn't make me less of a woman
Masculinity and femininity messages are pushed at very young ages. I got "how to be a woman" talks all the time and femininity was pushed hard on me. I've never been subject to the masculinity push, but I know these are present in every day life and is pushed very hard, either by parents or adult role models or by social media. Social media isn't all exclusively to blame but it certainly makes extreme ideas more visible and has exacerbated an already long existing issue. Honestly I don't think dismissing masculinity is a good approach. People want identity and they want to belong some place in the world. "Boy" and "girl" are one of the first identities we learn about and are given and those are reinforced by social norms. We need to redefine those definitions instead of saying they don't exist. People need to feel safe exploring who they are and what isn't safe is trying something and being ridiculed for engaging in something because it's seen as the "opposite" of what you're told your identity is. Humans are very much shaped by our environment and our social structures. In fact, what has been more and more understood is that we need other people because it's a need and instinct within our species. Social rejection feels so awful because it used to be a death sentence. I agree that people tend to be happier when they let go of those external factors of judgment and assigned identity (labels are only useful when you identify with them yourself). But it's simply not possible to just say don't worry about it and expect all the issues to disappear.
I think you don't really get it though. "instead of trying to solve that unhappiness"... Well, how? Most of those dudes haven't been taught better not to look for solutions and meaning in those toxic youtube and twitter communities. And while there are good ideas sprowting here and there like in this video, there is no known consensus on how to fix these problems. Being happy is not easy. It's not like they're stupid and willingly reject happiness and solutions to go consume online discourse, you know? If you're happy enough not to worry about masculinity you're either extremely privileged, or lucky enough to be in an environment where gender roles don't weight on you. Guess what, that's certainly not the situation for most men.
Dude, as someone who has watched ALL of your videos, this was an absolute home run. Brought me to tears twice. So relatable. This should be shared far and wide. I can think of at least 3 friends that need to watch this. Sincerely, thank you ❤️
I’m raising kids alone (not by choice) in a world where “fatherlessness” is a meme, and I struggle a lot with the internet topic of masculinity and how my kids are growing up perceiving what men/masculinity is or isn’t. Witnessing grown men abandon their kids because of their masculinity struggles that actually stemmed from their own childhood traumas, I feel like this is such an important topic/conversation for men to be having. I can feel listening to you how much bravery it takes. Thank you so much for how you shared this message ❤
This is a question you do not have to answer but I am curios nonetheless, what circumstances lead you to becoming a single mother? You absolutely do not have to answer this, I know it is personal.
@@EyePatchGuy88 seems like she doesnt know shes part of the problem, rather than the solution. ima go ahead and guess shes fine with abortion but thinks men shouldnt have a say in whether they want to be a father or not.
These replies really learned nothing from the video they’re watching, huh? I’m sorry you have to deal with these people. Thank you for taking the time to learn a bit from another perspective.
COMPASSION IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME DIGNITY IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME We can support people of all genders without scapegoating or victimizing one over the other.
I got into a pretty bad headspace in my mid 20's where I didn't really do much of anything other than succumb to depression, and I immediately gravitated to 4chan, and for any guys out there like that, it's not too late, you can talk to people, you can make new friends, you can go back to school, you can just talk to women you like. The more you do it the less scary it is, and it doesn't matter if you're at a bad place in your life, broke, struggling with mental health, etc. women can tell if you're trying. Not saying you should get into a relationship with the expectation that's going to make your life better, fix all your problems or have somebody in your life to do things for you but even with apps and internets you can still just like, talk to people if you don't do it in a creeped out, disingenuous way that violates all social norms. Ask people to get coffee/a drink with you, it's cheap, low effort, low commitment and there's witnesses
this comment is awesome because it’s completely inundated with the implication that everything is already this hypothetical man’s fault and that he needs to conduct himself in a way that atones for whatever it is you think he did/will do. all of your advice is reminiscent of some kind of dystopian precognition system that apprehends criminals before they’ve even done anything wrong. it seems to me that your experience has tainted your perspective. your comment implies that just because the world has subjugated you that other young men must also yoke themselves to societal expectations for the mere chance of one day being accepted.
@@eebbaa5560 Being depressed wasn't my fault, but it was my responsibility to figure a way to manage it in a constructive way. The rest of the world has to live with me. I'm not saying you have to fit into a little box or that everybody needs to go to college or be a social butterfly or even be in a relationship (ace people are a thing and it's ok), but being independent and trying to challenge and better yourself gives you a lot of self-determination. You can lean into being miserable, or not.
Women can't tell if you're trying. Women are people with their own lives and stuff going on and most don't have the time to analyse your interior life, because they're already analysing their own
You mentioned tribalism which is a very big factor. However, I think you should mention compassion more, which is another big factor. Those alpha male's narrative fundamentally has no compassion for women. Those extreme feminist's narrative fundamentally has no compassion for men. It is fine to point out the current issue among social groups. However, this should be done calmly to improve our society instead of to derive pleasure by obnoxiously insulting others. Polite criticism is almost always better received than nasty insult. This lack of compassion is very similar to tribalism. However, tribalism tend to be a more abstract label whereas the lack of compassion can be easily recognized as bad by listeners.
Extremely helpful video, especially in terms of validating experiences and giving actionable steps to improve! I'm going to have to ponder on this and rewatch it a few times. As a male who also had SA happen to him as a child, and who also lacked male figures to look up to for guidance, I've stuggled a lot with that it means to be a positive version of masculine; especially with all the shouting about how broken men are in general.
This video was GREAT. I was just having a conversation about this earlier with my significant other. I recently got into some TH-cam videos and witnessed how extreme both sides have become just as you laid out. I am 54 yrs old and I feel for the young kids trying to find their way through this mess.
I think that CODE acronym with questions can be useful for everyone who feels (a bit) lost in life. I'm going to use it myself. (Not a man.) My outburst is hanging on my PC on social media and playing videogames for way too long, not doing the important things I need to do for myself and then I feel disconnected from others. Edit: I just got a library card yesterday because when there I noticed I love to just walk around in the library and then checkout and read some of whatever I see that my eye falls on. It definitely fits impulsivity!
Thank you for this video Struthless. You have a real knack for taking difficult topics like this and providing easy to understand, earnest, and levelheaded analysis and advice. You’re really saving lives man.
Loneliness. That shit is so hard. As a man it doesn't just feel internally hard to open up to people, it feel external too. In the depth of my worst crisis it felt like no one wanted to hear about it from me. It felt like no one around me was prepared to handle that type of vulnerability from a man. But here's the thing. You don't form the type of friendships that can support you in that way without first taking the risk of opening up. It's that act of vulnerability that actually creates those bonds. It won't work with everyone you know, but if you let on to your friends that you're struggling some of them will make that space for you. When they do the bond between you will grow stronger and help to create the type of friendship that can be supportive. DONT STOP HERE! THE NEXT BIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! This is a reciprocal relationship. You have to make space for your new friends to be vulnerable with you as well. Nobody is interested in supporting a friend who doesn't support them back. Don't overload. Your friends are not a bucket for you to spew all of your negative emotions into. That type of relationship is extremely taxing. It's why we have to pay therapists in money. Make space for fun. Friendships are a special type of relationship. You're friends are the people you spend time with because being around them is enjoyable. The entire relationship can't just be emotional support. You've got to do things together that make being around each other fun. Even if that's just sitting around cracking jokes.
yeah and taking that risk has pushed away every fucking friend I have ever made because absolutely fucking no one wants to hear that you're even sad one day let alone you want to die every fucking day and that you just want a hug. And I always leave the door open for them to be vulnerable, and its RARELY being taken. They respond really positive but then never do it again. I fucking hate people because I try following all these fucking guidlines and none of them fucking work
@@jeffreychandler8418 Fuckin a dude. Yeah it sucks. A lot of my old good times buddies aren't people I'm in contact with anymore. I just gradually lost interest in people who didn't have my back when I needed them. I'm sorry it's hard. I'm sorry your friends suck. I wish I had better advice for you than all the cliché stuff you've already heard a million times. There are people out there who give a shit. I promise. They can just be harder to find sometimes.
@@stephenwilliams163 that's the thing that feels like the universe is playing some cruel trick on me. every goddamn time I think I found those people, it becomes clear that they aren't. I don't understand it because I swear I'm always doing my best and doing well but it just never gets anywhere with anyone. It feels like a cosmic practical joke. "how much loneliness can we give this guy"
Excellent work here with helpful and fun illustrations. I will say that my jimmies were rustled a bit when you said a biologist would define a man as someone with a Y chromosome (base on my experience in that field, that kind of statement has more to do with social/political leanings than occupation). I understand you were trying to keep that segment snappy and concise, though, and it didn't detract *too* much from the point you were making.
I find it really interesting that as a woman I see content on these same topics all the time gear towards me but the majority of the men I see in this space are the grifters and haters. It's like content for women is empathy focused and for men it's all shame focused. Which naturally translates to self love for women and self hate for men. There's a paper on discipline by the army I recently heard about from a female TH-camr and she brought a sense of self love to it that I don't think the men who wrote it would have even thought of. It was phrased as self respect, but the same idea has been in every productivity thing by a woman I've seen to date. Unfortunately many male influencers push the idea of self respect as a feeling of superiority over others (betas etc) instead of an independent assurance of self and love of that self. Idk how we get from here to there, but I think it's clear that's at least one major change that's needed.
"many male influencers push the idea of self respect as a feeling of superiority over others" That's a really god point! It goes hand in hand with the portrayal of vulnerability as weakness. Men learn to rely on domination for their self-esteem.
almost like every fucking person on this goddamn hellscape of a planet force men to avoid self love, and in fact that they should sacrifice themselves for other people's comfort
@@jeffreychandler8418 big hugs, sounds like you definitely haven't been getting the support you deserve. At least you're able to see it and admit it. So many men I've known have internalized this bs to the point that nobody can reach them 😔 you are breaking the cycle and that's something to truly be proud of 😊
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 I'm sorry but externalizing it honestly probably makes me far more of a problem than any of those men that internalized it. I have consistently been fucked over by society and others even when following ALL of the advice. My patience with society is waning, and I'm so tired. I just want to be allowed to be human...
This is really well said, I have always struggled to articulate the current state of boys/men in the modern world and how it shouldn't be an us versus them. This video is a great place to point to! The CODE should be taught in schools.
I know this comment will probably get lost, but thanks man, I found this video in a moment where i really needed it, and even if ypu can't see this, I hope you know you changed my life (and maybe others lifes too) for the better, I appreciate you uploading videos like this
By far the best video on the topic ive watched so far Especially love focus on NEET vs Yeet and "idolize a r*pist or hate yourself". These are things usual missing from discussion from people who claim to want to help Hard to help if you wont address as much as you can identify
Hey Struth. I've been watching you for years. I just wanted to say - thank you so much for making this video. This is something I've struggled a lot with. In a world that is creating safe spaces to express just about every form of identity (which is awesome, I love that for them) except masculinity, it's often felt like there's nowhere to just... grow and exist as a good dude. Communities of men either have self-flaggelating or toxic Da Boiz energy, and it's felt super isolating. I'm lucky enough to have an amazing partner and good friends that I can talk about this kind of aimlessness with, but it's still something that needles me. I recently told some friends that I felt Disney missed an opportunity with Elsa's character traits in Frozen for some positive messaging with young boys (i.e. conceal, don't feel), and was met with blank stares. It's so frustrating that all anyone wants to do is call out toxicity, but are completely unreceptive to conversations about how to change the way we talk to boys and young men in order to effect a positive change. So... thank you again, Struth, for using your platform to talk about it.
"Just convinced 2 men into suicide!" isn't as upsetting as a guy talking about a hypothetical daughter being attractive. wtf? Where do you sit on the extremism chart?
can't speak for the second one but the "just convinced 2 men into suicide" post just seems super flippant and tongue-in-cheek to me. seems to be riffing off the "toxic girlboss" trope in bad taste etc etc
This is excellent. Thank you for the time, effort, skills, and compassion you are sharing with the world. You're making it a better place. Please know that you're not just trying, you're succeeding.
I cannot recommend enough Nancy Peacey's 'The Toxic War on Masculinity'. Her grasp of history and sociology contextualises all of this wonderfully. She also has a great grasp of how Christianity gave us the vision of what it means to be a good - a source too often over looked. For instance, traditionally men worked with their wives and children as part of the home economy - the notion of the stoic, competitive, value free, individual male in the marketplace didn't develop until the scientific revolution met industrialisation in the 19th century.
I wish those trying to actually fix “toxic masculinity” (a term coined by an 80’ OG men’s rights/advocacy group) had spent more time talking with and to men and, especially, boys instead of at and about them. This only fed into this alienation and checking out and, honestly? I don’t blame them.
![[TH] FS vs BME - VCT Ascension Pacific - Lower Bracket Final](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/wnygqsR2Fig/mqdefault.jpg)
Commenting because I think THIS should go viral (do you hear me you ridiculous, madness-mongering algorithm?!).... Thank you always for your nuanced, humorous, heartfelt, clear and comic-enhanced conversations. Brave and powerful stuff.
Not enough arguments for the algorthm to take sadly
Yesss I agree
Yes
Agreed!
Couldn't have said it better.
“Men are told they’re trash, so they don’t have motivation to try. And then rapists come and tell them they matter…” I’ve been saying that for years. If we don’t give them guidance, why are we surprised they listen to awful people, because it’s the one place they can go without being labeled toxic?
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself. If you actually listen to feminists, none of them ever say men are trash. That's just the narrative of what feminists say, not actually what we say.
You understand they are the oppressors? Please explain to me why it's our job to coddle them about the oppressive system they built to enslave us. Yours is a dangerous belief.
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself. If you actually listen to us, we don't ever say mn are trash. That's just the narrative of what feminists say, not actually what we say.
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself.
If you actually listen to feminists, none of them ever say men are trash. That's just the narrative of what we say, not actually what we say.
A huge problem of this is echo chambers, but also that people have very different views on what things like masculinity and feminism even are. What makes this worse is that you can't have a proper discourse online because people are always so salty and hateful online.
People hear buzzwords and flip out, thats why I like discussing problems without them.
It's always nice when youtube's algorithm promotes something like this to me. It really felt like great timing today, because I was on the verge of rage with some of my own work & life troubles building up over the last year, and a struggle with what feels like depression. Still have a long way to go, but I will be going back to the doctor later today to see if I can get some time off work to really set my values straight again and clear my head. Thanks for making this video.
"What does a man do, Walter? A man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up and ge does it. Because he's a man."
~El Hombre Del Pollo
Beautiful yet difficult to watch video. You did an amazing job exploring a topic that has been drowned out from media and online discourse. You talked some ugly truths that cause me to do self reflection on my own levels of empathy. Knocked this one out of the park, may be your best!
are you kidding? this topic is one of maybe five things that any internet discourse is going to be about.
@@eebbaa5560 ...um thats what i said? its drowned out by media/online discourse because its a hot topic and usually frame in a way to be controversial for clicks. This video actually talks about the nuance of it.
This made me think of a quote that might help some:
"We follow the codes not because they bring gain, but because we loathe the people we would otherwise become."
For those who are curious, it's from The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
You're golden Ponyboy! Amazing video that I hope everyone takes the time to watch.
i just rewatched "the outsiders" last night and man what a great story about boys navigating masculinity.
I was raised as a boy, for 22 years of my life, by an abusive drug addicted father, I was sexually assaulted by my older brother at the age of 8. I grew up too quickly. throughout high school I struggled with my mental health and trauma from it all. I was always the black sheep of the family for not liking sports and because I was "too feminine" and I tried really hard to push those parts of myself way and be more traditionally masculine.
Of course it didn't work and I felt more alone then ever. I was fighting a losing battle with depression and anxiety, I felt like I had nobody I could go too, and even my family ostracized me for who I was. I fell into the "brainwashed by a pedo into hating women and gays" group for a while. It never felt right but at least I was alone. I was angry form my trauma and it gave me an outlet, something to direct all my hatred at.
Unfortunately it also caused me to lash out at people I did care about. SO I started reflecting. Its been nearly 5 years and I've changed a lot. I have slowly improved myself and my mental health. I have come to understand myself better, realizing I am trans, I have made friends and found hobbies. I even met my wonderful partner. I still struggle with a lot of those feelings. The Anger, The Sorrow and The Loneliness, but none of those define me, or anyone else.
Not a lot of this was specifically about masculinity just my own life experiences, but I want people too know that you can get out of it, but it takes a hell of a lot of time, and patience and unfortunately what worked for me might not help you. But to anyone who actually read all of this, YOU can do it and it is worth sticking things out. Don't you dare go hollow my friend
Thanks man. I am trying to learn how to teach/help my boys grow up to be good men and my daughter how to be a good woman and videos like this help.
Also, its ok to cry when talking about your friend who died.
This video is so helpful, thank you for this! It is so sad that we have this thought that there have to be sides
For loneliness: I volunteer at a community bike coop. Its scary to start when you don't know much a bout bikes and don't know anybody at the shop, but if you go regularly, even going to use the space at first helps, you learn and you meet cool people. Also team sports, also game meetups, also rock climbing gyms usually have a page for meeting people. As a slackliner there's meet ups in the park. I know people from going to the same film festival for years and talking to people in the lineup. I find though that a lot of people have shame around not being good enough at sport, or know enough about thing to volunteer or are generally socially anxious so they don't do the scary thing and that reinforces the fear. In reality, if you get over the hurdle of being uncomfortable and awkward for long enough you start meeting people. You never like everyone in a large group, but you usually find someone cool, then hang out enough to be your friend.
I love your work my man ❤
I’m sorry for your loss my man, much love and respect ❤ thank you for making this video sir
great video man, I'm sure it'll help a lot of people!
PS: One thing I gotta add though: Yes, empathy isn't limited. But attention is. So, people will make priorities and that's why it's not always easy to make one's own case heard.
This is so inspiring man. You clearly put a lot of love and thought and care into this video, and I feel it. I'm definitely gonna take this advice and keep it close to my heart. Thanks for your wisdom man.
A reasonable voice among the cacophony of voices. Thank you
Thank you so much for what you're doing, also the hand drawn and crafted illustrations are so great !
You've done incredibly well to recover and be able to speak about child sexual abuse. I work with survivors and most take 20 years to be able to even disclose what happened to them. All the very best with your recovery.
Thanks so much ❤ i told no one until I was 29... was planning on taking it to the grave, but life took some turns. Long long long story, might make a dedicated video/book/something about it one day if I figure out how (and if making it won't make life worse)... the hard part is I never want anyone else to feel like disclosure is the only way to process it, but I defs found other people's disclosure helped me a lot
@@struthless there is research saying that mental health improves after disclosure but it's very difficult to make the step. Hopefully society is more accepting nowadays and gives you the support you need. There is a good book called The Body Keeps The Score and which has been very helpful for me to understand trauma and how to approach it. I think writing a book could help put things into their proper place i.e. the past.
Off topic, but the fact that you actually wrote and pasted into a physical notebook instead of making a digital graphic makes me so happy.
I loved that too. I'd bet it made the whole essay a very physical process 💚
it looks beautiful and is also suprr effective NICE
I love it too! My brain works so much better when visuals are involved.
When I learned graphic design we had computers for the majority of our work but we had to first layout everything on paper before we were allowed to start the digital process. Our hand done rough drafts had to be approved before starting work.
Me too ,)
This is such an important conversation. I’m seeing many of my male students graduate and struggling big time 😢 The same adorable, creative, funny, dynamic, energetic little boys are only a shell of themselves now and it is heartbreaking
thats because of the socialisation they have experienced through media, family, friends and wider world. It teaches the young energetic, emotional boys to reject that and undergo a mental self mutilation. Teaching them that isolation and becoming unfeeling is the way forward. It disgusting and awful to witness how young an age this begins to happen. Patriarchy is terrible.
@@cuddlebear7132 With you right up to the last sentence.
Attaching this issue exclusively to Patriarchs is significantly part of the problem. Man hate is a real issue.
@@marjon1703 and you are wrong to think that being critical of the current patriarchal construct is synonymous with criticising men. Yes men are required to act out an perform that dominion (women also do this but in different ways), my point is that men are victims of this status quo. So I repeat, patriarchy isn't all men. Most men do not infact benefit from patriarchy, they are mostly damaged by it.
@@cuddlebear7132 The West is absolutely, fundamentally a gynocentric social order at this point in time; you've drunk so much of the feminist kool-aid you have no grasp of reality. There is no patriarchy in the West today, plain and simple.
@@cuddlebear7132 also the role of women uphelding expectations to males, which stem from patriarchy themselves, should not be talked down. Men in power have to change as well as everyone else that makes themselves powerless by giving their power to men who are already in power.
hey sdoggydog, I just want to mention that I almost lost the war with suicide at the end of last year but specifically YOUR videos and your beautiful beautiful face helped me barely win against it. Thank you for being the reason I'm still ballin'
im glad u are here with us buddy ! stay strong!
@@ecupcakes2735 strongest I've ever been. No mental health will conquer me 😤
hell yeah, proud of you. struthless helped me through a rough time as well. glad you’re still with us ❤️
That's mega 💪🏻
You rock, dude 🌟
Loneliness. My wife and kids went to visit their grandparents for the summer and left me all alone. I have taken it upon myself to organize things to do (that I think are fun): visit a paint factory, record music on 4-track tape player, etc. Then I invite random people I distantly know to join in. I'd say about 75% of the people invited say no ... but yesterday I had 4 semi-random people come with me to a paint factory. And we all had a good time!
why didn’t you go with your family
❤️❤️❤️❤️
sounds like a lot of fun. And sometimes you're all out of ideas, so it's great if someone would invite me to things. I'd just go!
@@eebbaa5560 " My wife and kids went to visit their grandparents for the summer and left me all alone."
Fire.
This is why using the Internet has become a much more deliberate activity for me. Mostly sticking to stuff that doesn't make me mad lol
Facts. 😂
Same
I'm a woman in my '60s and I work with children in the foster care system. I'm sharing this with every young man I know. Thank you so much!
Honestly this is fantastic advice all around. It's simple and actionable. I've shared it with my female fiance, because they struggle with goals, motivation, and friendships as well.
@@sunphoenix1231 There's barely any advice, it's mostly just talking about why people feel like that
@@sayuas4293 i liked the advice to turn negative traits into things that work for you, may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me
@@sayuas4293Not sure if we watched the same video, heaps to take away from this
@user-zv8md9xv8c the whole back half of the video… How can you expect a TH-cam video to tell you what you’re interested in? He explains some examples and how they can benefit you and what applies in his case. He never said you need to be an untrustworthy journalist, maybe what works for you is being a trustworthy journalist? Who knows? It’s what works for you and what prevents the whole “idle hands” situation.
I don't think i can put into words how good you are at this, how much people need it and how grateful i am to have found your channel. Thank you so much for being you and doing what you do
I hate the way extremes are being promoted... and a bunch of normal people get lost in between and pushed to either extreme
Man, that little tremble in your voice when you talked about your friend spoke so loud. Really sorry for your loss, man.
Yeah, my condolences to your loss buddy.
@@Darknight526 and my bow!
this is probably my favorite struthless video ever. Excellent, vulnerable life advice for people of any gender
I think that's important to note. When people are real and ernest, their gender is the least important component.
It's also very beautiful. He's clearly put a lot of design work into this.
This is actually pushing a very particular feminist narrative that male experience is explained by a self afflicted internal problem related to masculinity. People are completely uncritical.
I'm a sixteen-year-old boy. When I was in kindergarten, I used to wish I was a girl - not because I was trans or anything - but just because they seemed to like themselves so much more than boys. They lifted each other up and had good role models on television and in real life. That being said, it's more common for women to be depressed than men, so it's not like one gender has it better than the other. But I will say... in my limited life experience as both a child and a boy, I've always noticed a pattern of girls flocking together, helping each other, and lifting each other up, and boys staying by themselves, working by themselves, and not showing their emotions.
I've touched on masculinity and the modern issues that come with it in my own work (heck, I just wrote a whole book where masculinity and identity play a big role) but I could never have articulated it to your level. Congratulations, struthless... this video was the final swing of the hammer to bury the nail's body in the wood; I feel very seen and honestly a bit disappointed in the human race.
- Mohit
You are such a bright young man. It is true that it is socially more acceptable for girls to talk about their issues. I did notice that the less focused on gender they are, the more likely for friendships to flourish between different people on a deep level that allows for men to also be vulnerable.
I agree. I'm an average boy. I can see my female classmates usually helping each other and doing teamwork quite well. But my male classmate's group is kinda... not very supportive.
Yeah I remember seeing how supportive my sisters' friendships were, or how much they at least took the effort to go through the motions of appearing that way, and thinking wtf? That doesn't seem fair. That said, there ARE good male friendships out there, sometimes you just have to be open and make room for them. Step One: learn about sociopathy and avoid it when possible.
men have 3x suicide rate than women.
Men make up 70% of all suicides, miss me with your misandrist lies about women struggling more please.
For loneliness, something as simple as a regular walk around a neighborhood, saying hello to people (with low expectations) can build the habits you need to develop friendships later.
Agreed! Just get outside...if its too much just put on shoes and a shirt. Dont worry about a shower and just walk your block 2 or 3 times. Better to sit outside and stare at a cloud than in your room at a screen
I'm a big fan on the running clubs that are happening locally. I think we need more of that but in a smaller scale and more local.
Honestly, the saying hello with reasonable expectations is such a great place to start. Literally just saying hello with a smile to someone youre passing by (and not getting upset if they dont respond) makes me feel better. Not because it gets my social needs filled or anything, but because it gives me a little bit of momentum. It's hard to realize youre lonely and decide to go and make meaningful connections with people. It's such an intense first step. Just say hi to people as your first step, and the energy and momentum it gives you if you do it often will carry you up to making those real connections
So true. When I felt I had nothing left to lose, lucky for me I found the guts to just talk to random people that looked like they needed to talk, when everyone else on the street was pretending they weren't there, what was the worst that could happen? Just being able to share that it was tough, or being able to show someone some kindness instead of venting at the world for being so fucked, did a lot for my soul, and I hope a little something for theirs. I think that helped me in many ways
and if u feel sad, lonely, anything negative, dont consume movies/music with the same vibe.. just watched some random moto vlogger openly interacting with strangers,complementing, being curious like a kid, totally changed my view
I’m 22 and this has totally changed my perspective. It’s so easy to resort to tribalism on social media, especially against a straw man. And I just hope more people understand the message of this video because I think the education system would never address these issues as directly as this video does. ❤❤❤
this right here makes the whole video worth it, imo. good luck to all of you.
23:09 "if there is no one in your life to fill that role, firstly I am so sorry" hit me like a ton of bricks. I kind of expected you not to have an answer but, from a struggling 22 year old, thank you for showing compassion.
For anyone in my position, I guess we just got to thug it out for now. Hopefully things will be better in a few years.
I hear you. That was a heavy moment and it hit me too. Thanks for being open about it. Best of luck with the struggle
Advice for people with "no one to talk to:" Literally anyone will let you rant to them if you buy them a drink (or two). "Can I buy you a drink?" Who TF is saying no to that? Especially if they're also a dude. When they figure out you're not trying to sell them a time-share they'll be so relieved that they don't care about your semi-embarassing story of ill-fortune.
31 and been in that situation since finishing school. Hope you have better luck than I did.
I'm sorry to hear that, been there a few times in my life. I have survived by keeping compassion for others as well as for myself, no matter what (but find your boundaries), nurture the aspects of you that you like about yourself, being open to what may come may way, and whatever you do, do. not. stagnate. That's how the rot sets in. Besides, how are you going to find your your people if you're not looking in new places? ❤
Yeah, I relate to this, It hit me too. Struggling 26 year old here.
Making myself go out to do the grocery shopping in person, and then making a point of smiling and asking people how their day was going made a big difference for me. It was a start.
Same! And I'm actually starting to . . . like it?
Honestly that is creepy as F. As a man, if I'm in a hurry just trying to quickly pick up some food and get home so i can relax and recharge for my next day of wage exploitation and being dehumanized for money, the last thing I want is some random nobody trying to chat me up, creating an uncomfortable and awkward situation. I understand modern society is really hard and people are disconnected, but the solution lies on an institutional level, society needs a full reset. These little coping mechanism are not helping.
@@nunyabaznus7851Oh knock it off.
@@nunyabaznus7851 Unfortunately you're being cornerned into isolation because of your job. Maybe taking that extra minute to talk to someone that greets you will improve your mental health and social skills, even if it's difficult to get out of the "rush rush rush" mindset.
Agree that society needs a reset, but we need to deal with our current society meanwhile. Also we need to start the reset ourselves, not wait for others to do it for us.
@@nunyabaznus7851 damn, man, sucks to hear. I get what you say, but please don't discourage someone that is doing progress and that is sharing that progress, we are all in this together. I would love to recommend you try this chatting random people up stuff, but if you truly don't like it u don't gotta do it. and if someone approaches u just trying to talk, u can still quickly end the interaction in seconds. I get what u say of the institutional and structural problems of society, but it is those small coping mechanisms you criticize that give some the energy and abilities to try and change said society. if u never cope, u'll become trapped in said institutional and structural problems (as the video said). much love my man, great week
I respect the way you took on this challenge with such nuance and thoughtfulness. I wish more content was like this. This topic could be your next book.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best mates (also male) to suicide a few years ago. And it always hurts my soul thinking he felt like there was no other way out. Keep fighting the good fight ❤
I hate what the algorithm does.
My foster kid a 12 year old boy. After a while of having his own TH-cam account he started talking about how hard men had it. I checked what had been coming up and it was all these videos telling him that he's a victim.
My 12 year old niece has a TH-cam account. She gets fed videos about how she's a victim.
The are both getting told that they should be feel like they are oppressed by the other sex and society as a whole.
Worst part is, there is injustice... They just get told they have to be horrible people to have any control over their lives.
Victimhood mentality is real and a-political. The manosphere, hardcore feminists, both are in the olympics for the gold medal of "most oppressed" rather than getting to the bottom of what oppression exists and working together.
@@discipleofdagon8195 you do know that feminism actually supports men's rights too, right? After Reagan fucked men over with a lot of their administration's policies there was actually a resurgence of men's feminist discussion. The mytho-poetic men's rights movement of the 90s was in response to it, and it was a decidedly feminist movement that broke apart due to, essentially, mysoginists who thought feminism was stupid and that women should be subservient to men. Obviously the people who founded the movement were infruriated by it, so they stopped associating. Now, men's rights activists argue for the right to legally be allowed to force themselves on any woman they see. If only there was some form of political theory (cough cough, feminism, cough cough) that was focused on attaining equality and freedom of expression for both genders.
@@discipleofdagon8195 I adore this comment, this is what I've been thinking for years now (after being radicalized and recovering). We are being pitted against each other by any and all means necessary, while the ones doing the pitting just laugh and get richer day by day
I've noticed this too, and it's such a stupid but serious problem.
The difference is your niece isn't in any danger of actually hurting people because of her perceived victimhood.
Thankyou so much for putting a face to CSA. Normalising this on a platform like this will save lives. Thankyou for your incredible courage
This
Already thumbs up for the intro because i know struthless is a decent human being and i know he will do this justice.
P.s: i am woman
This video is so meaningful to me. I nearly took my own life on the 4th of July. Called suicide hotline twice, got told they were too busy for me twice. I didn't know where else to turn to. I ended up on my bathroom floor infront of the AC vent having one long, 5 hour panic attack.
You holding up the picture of your friend got me. I had to pause and have a cry real quick.
Thank you so much for making content like this. Especially for fellow addicts like myself. You know that video you have about putting people into your "brain slots"? You are a permanent fixture in that. I aspire to be as inspirational and down to earth as you. I can't say thank you enough.
Panic atack and depression are modern problems. check out how the tribes where civilization is still not being present are enjoying their lives. they don't have expensive smartphones, cars etc. but they wholeheartedly love and being loved by strong community
hey there. I'm so glad you are alive. You are gonna fucking rock, sending good wishes and prayers to you :)
I'm not a man, but I feel like piping up and saying, I love your point about, it doesn't matter if there's a crisis or not, because empathy and compassion are always good regardless. It's a point I've made before and it makes me happy to see someone else making it too. And agreement on a whole bunch of other points too.
I hope this video manages to help many people who are struggling.
It’s a point that’s not here nor there. We have been able to understand with women’s issues that it’s necessary to talk about that the issue exists and solutions for it as much as we can which builds awareness and change.
Yes we should talk about there in fact existing a crisis
I really wish a good amount of women could grow up and allow for this empathy to grow for men. Looking online, talking to women, hearing stories from my fellow men, and going to rallies, there’s not a lot going around. We can’t even share our insecurities
what flag is that?
@@ciromoriello7054 The one in my profile image? Zoo pride.
@@ciromoriello7054 Zoo pride flag.
The big struggle I have with loneliness is having tried for years (since junior year of high school - I'm in my mid-20s now) to make close friends, to be the guy who reaches out, organizes activities/hang-outs, is reliable and dependable, etc. And without fail, despite all my effort across dozens of people of all different backgrounds, personalities, etc., not a single person has reciprocated the energy I tried to bring. Nobody reaches out to me to see how I'm doing. Nobody asks me to hang out with them. It feels so horribly demotivating that nobody in my life puts forth effort to care about me in even a fraction of the way I put effort to care about them.
I dont really know how to cope with doing everything right, and the result being the same as if I never tried. Relationships aren't transactional of course so I don't have any demand towards others to be any way, but real relationships aren't one-sided either. I'm tired of being this extroverted, sympathetic, caring person who tries to bring people together only for nobody to be there for me when I need it, or for no one to show that I'm also wanted.
Sorry to hear that!! I struggled with this a bit as well in college and what helped me was going to like art classes or other grpup activities where youre with the same group of people week to week doing an activity - it really helped me form some close relationships with people who had the same interests that I did and made it easier on me because I didint ahve to plan anything I just showed up to class. Don't know if thatll help but wishing you the best!
People only want to spend time around men who are some combination of powerful, rich, successful, handsome. If you don't have any of those cards to play every single social connection is like being dangled over a cliff with sweaty hands.
I've had multiple friends of 20 years just kind of drop me. They have better lives with better friends who are more successful, less isolated, less stilted and warped, and so even if I make the effort to work on the relationship, it is entirely one sided.
You're absolutely not alone here and I know exactly how you feel, having always been the same way. For just once I'd like someone else to be the one to ask me to go do something with them or ask how I'm doing or make any effort at all to be around me, but it seems like nobody ever does. That honestly hurts even more than not having any friends to begin with, as it makes you question if these people even really care for you at all. Especially because you know that they probably do care for you to an extent, it's just not in the same way you do for them. It's torture man.
Hey man, that is awful to hear! I hope you know that even if it seems impossible, you will be able to find close friends at some point in your life.
Some things to ease the mind first, most humans tend to rely on transactional relationships until atleast their 20's, especially at younger ages this is incredibly obvious. (This guy in kindergarten has all the cool toys so im going to be his friend, rather common behaviour for childeren).
People who are more susceptible to emotions (ie people with autism) tend to feel left out of the social space because they recognise (or sense, sometimes you can't put your finger on it) the transactional part a bit earlier than most. (Which is an awful lonely feeling to carry.)
Something to consider, whilst being extraverted and outgoing can be a great character trait to have, it isn't really necesary to make close friends. 6 years ago i made friends with some people across the atlantic ocean over discord and a year ago i actually collected the courage to fly over and visit them.
Suddenly it no longer mattered that i was someone who really enjoys solitude, weird internet niches and self isolates every couple of months to regain social energy, the internet is filled with introverted weirdo's like that and it allowed me to be myself.
And i trust 100% that you can find a sphere where you can be so aswell.
So to finish off, you're not doing anything wrong. (as far as i know) but maybe you are doing it all for the wrong people.
Putting in tremendous work to get people who don't really care about you to even acknowledge you is a horrible feeling and a very sure way to absolutely ravage your self esteem.
(Not to mention it is going to take up energy you really need for yourself aswell)
Wish you all the best luck, and i believe in you!
I have a frosting/cake analogy that I think might apply. In this case, the frosting is made up of human characteristics that are easy to see from the outside -fun, good-looking, life of the party, visible interesting hobbies, dress well, in shape, witty, etc. The cake is made up of the characteristics that are harder to see, or really more time to see - caring, there in the hard times, thoughtful, educated, solid friend etc. Some people have great frosting but their cake is rotten. You're prob not one of those people. Others have no or little frosting but great cake. You're prob one of those people.
Everyone is initially attracted to the frosting, and nobody can help it, yourself included. The frosting is what we can see, it's what attracts us. But unfortunately people with great frosting often have shit cake and end up hurting those around them in the end. They're also often the people who put a lot of energy into their frosting because they need more than the normal amount of attention.
It takes a lot of quiet, uncelebrated hard work to make yourself into a good cake. You've already done that! Kick ass! Throwing a little frosting on there is easier... So that's what you need to work on. Hobbies, get in shape, conversational skills etc. You can do that.. You already have great cake. Frosting is nbd when you already did the hard part.
Then you can attract the real friends you want.
But also get rid of this idea of "doing everything right." Obviously you're not "doing everything right" to get the results you want, and there's probs no such thing anyway. Don't put that pressure on yourself.
Wait this guy is crazy based
It’s so difficult to find people who will talk about men’s issues while not also being misogynist. I really appreciate the data here, and the grounding in the logic that empathy is valuable, always, for everyone. Really appreciate this, and will totally show it to others.
I hope your friend found peace, man. The love you have for him shows in your work and in your voice, and I’m sure he knew how you cared for him. I hope the memory of him can be helpful to you.
"t’s so difficult to find people who will talk about men’s issues while not also being misogynist." try finding a woman talking about any gender issue without shitting on men lol.
in truth though there should be more women that talk about this, im subbed to a few women that do without being misandrists and theyre a fantastic delight that are thankfully picking up really high subscription rates as of late!
@flamingmanure There are plenty of feminists who do work exclusively on men and masculinity, and are extremely sympathetic in their analysts towards men's issues. R.W. Connell's framework of New Sociology of Masculinity, Michael Kimmel's academic work, Al Young's work on Black masculinities. These aren't fringe frameworks either.
The problem is that people refuse to actually read what feminist theorists and academics are writing in favor of arguing with randoms on Twitter and TH-cam. These are feminist frameworks exclusive dedicated to men's issues. R.W. Connell coined the phrase "hegemonic masculinity" to describe the way that patriarchy negatively affects both men AND women, and subjugates alternative conceptions of masculinity. But of course, you'd never hear about that in common discourse because it's strawmanned and misinterpreted to death. You have to read.
@@flamingmanure Plenty of women and feminists talk about how the misogyny in our society is hurting men too. The issue is people hear "feminist" and immediately stop listening. Or they fall into the us vs them trap listed here and assume feminists must be against them before ever considering what they say. Or again, as this video points out, see only the tiny minority that is most reactionary due to social media.
The truth is, the comment you're replying to is right. There is an unfortunately high number of creators who talk about men's issues who find a way to point the finger at women and decide that women have it so much easier...instead of actually considering the driving forces behind them. Or they assume the very valid concerns women raise about the huge problem of violence, harassment, and assault against women (statistically, most often by a man) must inherently be an attack on *all men* or meant to make them feel guilt for being male. That just isn't true. And while those creators may not be the majority, they get a lot of traction and lead young men down a very scary path that hurts both them and the women in their lives.
@@flamingmanure almost all women I know are outspoken feminists, and they support women's rights without being a-holes to men. The discussion of systemic problems requires pointing them out, if you think that a critique of the social ideal of masculinity is an attack on men, that's a *you* problem.
@@michaelhenry4845 I 100% agree with you feminism absolutely can benefit men and there are feminists who are very supportive of men and their struggles. I will also be honest and say that is unfortunately a small ass minority of all women/feminists I have heard SO many more women casually shit on men even in front of me than I have be compassionate of men's issues in society.
I was there, no friends, no getting out of the house… I joined some community activities, they are cheap, and you at least get to see people on a regular basis. Then I joined a group to make plans out in my city, 0 expectations, just going to the cinema, playing board games and some other plans. Fast forward I now have a group of friends, I’m going on vacation with them, I’m dating one of the guys in my group, and I feel seen and valued. I thought I would never get out of there, that nobody would care, and I still feel lonely at times, but seeing my friends adapt to my dietary restrictions in order for me to be able to eat out, or them being vulnerable and opening about stuff makes me feel valued.
That is monumental and something that I am honestly way too anxious to do, joining a community of new people and finding a friend group AND a lover like that is something that is incredibly difficult.
Even if I did join a friend group like that, i don't think I'd have the courage to ask any girl out, that is incredibly difficult to do and I'd be afraid to upset the group dynamic or cause any drama by being an inexperienced idiot. Major kudos to you.
I've been wishing I could join a group that does random social activities like that. How did you find the group?
@@gordongekko2781 there are certain apps for making friends, check which ones are available where you live and someone in one of those apps told me about a group. Also: groups to make friends in x city. Or through facebook, I have friends that moved to other cities and joined Facebook groups to make friends. Good luck
I'm a 43-year-old woman, and about 8 years ago, I was dating a guy who told me that I should just say whatever was on my mind and not care what people thought about me. To him, women not speaking their mind is because they were too afraid to do it. What he didn't understand was that there is a very real social cost for women to speak up, that men might not see, because the cost is not the same to them. I say this because I believe that the reverse is also true. I think that as women we need to look outside ourselves a little bit more and understand the cost to men for doing things that we recommend, like "be more sensitive" or "be vulnerable" or "stop trying to look tough." We don't have the same cost if we do these things as men do when they do these things. We have to be sensitive to the cost and work together on solutions that take reality into account, not just telling people to do the ideal thing and ignore the actual repercussions that they will encounter in life. I hope this makes sense. This is a great video.
This is something that I think has cut a lot of men very deeply. Turns out, the "be more sensitive and vulnerable" advice was a COMPLETE lie and it' is almost universally a disastrous move.
The last TWO times I was honest with a woman about how she'd hurt me, the both didn't speak to me for a month.
that totally makes sense, thanks for sharing!
Wow, this makes so much sense. thank you for this. Where do you think these social costs come from? From my understanding, people doing the ideal thing leads to a lack of or loss of respect. I’ve personally felt this when I’ve been vulnerable with women in the past. Is it part of the social programming that we’ve all been subjected to?
@@twelvecatsinatrenchcoat It sounds like you saw their true colours? You deserve a woman who can be held accountable and who cares about your feelings. Not all women are assholes, the good ones actually care if they have upset someone they love...
@@idlekaty1508 Everyone says that, but one of these women is like my second favorite person on earth. She's amazing. But she, like most women, is not interested in hearing about men's feelings. Women like how it feels to SAY that. They DONT like how it feels to actually do it.
This video is a breath of fresh air. No extreme political bias, no controversial affirmations, no arrogance. Just honest and mature conclusions of your own. Love it!
☝
Every young man should watch this. My heart breaks especially for all the little boys whose minds have been crushed by the noise of social media.
It’s not social media doing it
@@minabotieso6944 social media, a place where men and boys are constantly demeaned by others, where little boys get hooked on p*rn (and in the case of instagram, targeted by it), where they’re drawn to poor excuses for men as role models, and where they become addicted to the very apps that have been proven to worsen mental health.
It’s not the only culprit, but the difference between a child raised with and without access to social media is huge.
it wasn't social media.
it was getting out in the world that taught me that women and men don't give two shits about me my struggles and my heart
@@jeffreychandler8418 I was referring to iPad kids, but I’m sorry you’ve been treated badly. That truly breaks my heart. You may not believe it now, but there are people out there who will really care about you and will add to your life instead of taking away from it. Heck I’m a stranger and I care about you so hang in there. I don’t know if it means much since I don’t know what you believe, but I’ll pray God sends you a true friend.
@@virtual123hug see that's the thing, I've been hearing "youll get a true friend" for two decades at this point.
my therapist says I'd make a great friend and partner
my acquaintances seem to really enjoy my company
I even express my interest in others.
but the universe has to play a cosmic joke on me
my concept of masculinity really changed when Everything Everywhere All At Once came out and the character of Waymond resonated with me SO MUCH
Waymond is the type of man I strive to be, been taking care of my wife for 15 years(we take care of each other tbh) we have a daughter and I would do anything for them. Waymond in EEAAO is just such a strong presence, he's not bulky or intimidating, he's just a strong willed father and husband who just wants his family to be happy.
see I saw waymond and instantly started crying because NO ONE EVER understood me, and they used it to take advantage of me. I see waymond as the precise failures I experienced
I also cried to Waymond, especially the speech he gave near the end. Give me chills just thinking about it. Absolute masterpiece of a movie glad to see it here
@@bobkiller572 I got chills just reading this comment mentioning the speech
Random acts of service ease loneliness. Just taking someone's bin out & you know the world's a slightly less crappy place today because you're in it. Remind yourself you're worthy of life and companionship.
it helps in a temporary, but it doesn't fix it. I find its more relevant to managing the depression from loneliness than actually helping the loneliness.
I'm sorry, but they don't. Giving does not mean "giving and receiving", and it shouldn't replace the latter.
They really don’t
“Hey, your feeling unappreciated, pushed aside and not listened to? How about you do more for other people? To hell with your feelings or struggles. WE WANT more and your depressed ass has nothing better to live for than doing things for others knowing they’ll never be reciprocated. No purpose or direction how about be a slave to society and women with nothing but more suffering in return” is all I hear with these types of responses from women. Nothing person but that’s what depressed, overworked, unloved men hear. Most men’s lives are a never ending circuit of random acts of kindness that are just directed by those holding emotional hammers over their heads by people who “love” them.
It works for women but I don’t think it works for men. As an example if you got breast cancer today I would do a marathon for you tomorrow to raise awareness. Because I could get it, and also it makes me feel good to help you. But the only time men ever join fathers for justice is when they’re a father seeking justice. I just think they’re too focused on themselves to get a boost from helping others and I’m not saying that to be mean or sexist, it’s just my experience that women live in the world and men live in their own skin. Their first loyalty is always to themselves even when it comes to love and things, their gesture of love would never involve letting their girlfriend go because it was the best thing for example. Because their prime thought is about themselves. I don’t think men really do love, or not the way we do.
don’t drink alone. and don’t drink when you’re sad. (i have not yet succeeded on these)
Keep heading North. You got it bro
Alright, now how do I get this video to the young men in my life who need it without making it awkward?
Send it to them. It probably would be awkward, but so many men (including me) don't know how to take the first step so they don't. By having the first step given to them it might make it awkward, but it is a start and it is up to them - not you - on how they continue to move forwards from that point.
no idea, i wish it was easy, whenever im genuine with other guys they break out the "its not that deep" defense mechanism, shutting down any hope of conversation
@@bananarama3624 Good idea. To add to that, do not include a lecture or 'helpful comments'. Just send it and leave it. Dignity is important.
Let it be awkward. You might save a life ❤
@@bananarama3624what is the “first step”? first step in what? and what is it exactly that you think men need to move forward from?
Damn only about four minutes into this but what a brave video to make, big up to you for making it through so much and taking on this topic
Thank you for this video and your take on masculinity! As a mama of a 17 year old searching for ways to understand and support him, you have done humanity a great service. Thank you for your humility, creativity, service, courage, humor and heart. So appreciated. 🙏🏼
He either got good enough genetics or he didn't, that's all that matters for men in the 21st century. All the best.
@@Koroar keep telling yourself that.
@@wurzel9671 Never had a reason to believe otherwise.
@@Koroar And why do men with "bad genetics" keep being born?
I've seen too many parents give up on their kids when they hit that age. "I don't know what happened to him" "That's not how I raised him!" "He just won't listen"
Hopefully your 17 year old grows to appreciate your efforts. I sure as hell do.
As a single 19 year old male feeling lost while trying to navigate life I needed this video. I feel like my life is on hold until the world settles down and becomes rational again
I hate to be the one to say it, but the world hasn't been rational in a long time and probably won't be any time soon. All you can do is work with what you've got as best you can to build the life you want - even while there is chaos ongoing around all of us.
Work out what you want in life, and work out the most reliable way to get to that from where you are now. Allow for roadblocks and diversions and plan ways around them. And then go and do it. Being nineteen is terrifying, but it's also awesome - you can do so much with the years ahead of you!
@@tealkerberus748 thank you for your input! It truely is as terrifying as it is exciting. However I feel like I am at more of a disadvantage than prior generations which is really tough. Despite that I am still doing everything I can to succeed and find my sense of belonging and purpose while sticking to my morals with good judgement in a difficult society.. dating is probably the hardest aspect of life for me at the moment..
@@nathansmith5726 Bro, I would hold off on dating right now, unless you find someone who is morally willed enough to defy the norm. Most young guys aren't fitting into social roles that fulfill them within relationships right now; because of skewed social dynamics and expectations. I'd try and focus on your habits and life, and how to best live it according to something unaffected by our current times.
@@jasondean37 yep and I have been throwing myself into work, education, financial education, and hobbies etc but at the same time I feel like I'm missing a partner. I want to share life with someone but no one my age thinks like that.. it's hard always being the mature one :(. Also I don't even know where or how to look for genuine women. Dating apps are horribly designed. Bars usually attract hookups and not genuine connections. Where else can I even go? If you try to connect with someone or hit on someone outside of these places then you are seen as creepy.. feels like you can never win, especially as a man in 2024..
@@nathansmith5726 Do you think a third party would help? It doesn't have to go as far as an arranged marriage, but friends introducing you to someone, family finding someone, and basically having the community involved in some way could help.
Of course this depends on culture and your connections so might just be a vague idea more than any realistic plan.
I don't know how relevant my opinion on masculinity is as a butch lesbian, but to me healthy masculinity is wanting to make those around you feel safe when you're nearby. And your willingness to be vulnerable and honest about trauma and struggles makes me feel very safe and welcomed. Thank you.
Love this.
theres kind of a dark side to that though for men. the whole "protector" role has an underlying vibe of us being the ones who should put ourselves in harms way or sacrifice ourselves and us being less worthy of being protected in turn. and if you bring that up a lot of people, men and women, are prone to reject or punish that sorta vulnerability, cause we all have a lot of really deeply internalized patriarchal expectations and norms.
he might have addressed that in the vid, still watching. shout out to butch lesbians though, had one as a supportive adult in my life as a kid, pretty sure all kids need at least one.
@@GillamtheGreatest Cam can talk about hard things while still finding safety within himself in the moment, and that conveys safety around the truth for others too. I think there is an interesting parallel here with safety like that and what you say about protector roles.
Our nervous system talk to each other non-verbally - cues of safety include if this person is visibly alarmed or tense with fright then I should be on alert too. If they are are at ease, and relatively calm, even with difficult topics then we too can feel reassured that solutions and repair can be found. (It's hard to convey this via text messages, as there is no tone or breath sounds to 'read' the other person's body state)
I think women are expected to be that calm as part of a protector role within the smaller circle of the family and children. We know that it's better for caregivers not to be stressed because that gets carried across non-verbally to kids nervous systems, making it harder to grow up healthy. So sense of safety and ease for the mother for herself is encouraged. (some call this common sense, for others it can be very difficult to achieve)
Men, as human beings with the same nervous system (different resources), must be similar- as 'caregivers' to the mothers AND the children, the larger unit of the family and community. It makes sense that to do that role well men also need ways to maintain a felt sense of safety and ease for their own selves, and that may mean getting support from society, and from partners or good friends. And from your inner values, perhaps in the form of a personal code.
This inner sense of safety is part of being a safe person, someone who provides a sense of safety to others. Basically it's a cycle of trust... and concentric circles of safety. Dying to protect the more vulnerable should really only be a very last resort. we all need men around as support!
Just a thought, I probably made it too wordy sorry!
Why isn't it the others persons job to make themselves feel safe
I don't care at all whether people feel safe around me. If they don't feel safe that's THERE problem
@@GillamtheGreatest you're right. It's just the same roles repackaged
With the deepest respect, I could only watch snippets of the video after you opened by saying you understand where men are coming from but married your soulmate at the age of 21 and have been together for 12 years.
Loneliness is at the root of the problem, but our culture and society are the cause of male disillusionment. Society is more isolating than ever. It's harder than ever for men to form relationships with friends, nevermind form romantic relationships.
Western culture constructs ideal man as stoic, sexually successful and financially independent.
Because of stoicism, men can't talk about their mental health. This is ingrained at the most basic level and it doesn't matter how much we delude ourselves into thinking that dumb mantras like "it's okay to not be okay" and other inauthentic grandstanding is a solution. It's not. As a man, if you show weakness by talking about your mental health, you will be looked down upon with contempt if you do not have the close personal confidants that so many men lack. You will get no leniency from your employer as a man. Our digital age attention spans are so short that we're conditioned to see talking about mental health in social circles as attention-seeking. Most men quickly realize that if an authentic support network doesn't already exist for them then extracting pity from people who are compelled by social obligation or money to pretend to care just makes them feel weak.
Because of the emphasis on sexual sucess in an age where dating has been industrialised with apps, and where information and digital discourse travels so quickly, we have created environments in which many men can't compete in the dating market, many more men are too afraid to even try, and in which being mediocre or unoriginal is no longer good enough. All the while traditional avenues of meeting people locally in communities have been eroded. Asking how someone's day was and showing an interest in their activities and their identity as a person is now too boring. If you're not socially equipped to engage people and impress, you are at a major disadvantage. We have the data to show that dating apps are overwhelmingly flooded with single men and that staggering percentages of men can't find relationships in their 20s. It's an almost universally ingrained maxim that if you reach the age of 30 and you're single or have been sexually unsuccessful you're basically the biggest loser to walk to the earth in the view of society at large and a lot of men live in fear of that.
Because of the emphasis on financial independence at a time where cost of living has been rocketing and where house prices and rent costs are at historic highs - at proportions of income that are staggeringly higher than they were earlier in the last century - men feel like there is no striking out on their own. For many men it just simply isn't financially feasible, even in full time work in professions that historically were considered respectable.
So you now have men that have come to realize that love and acknowledgement by others in their life time is far from guaranteed, that they can't be their own person financially by working in professions that historically would have comfortably allowed you to be your own man, and that it is socially frowned upon for them to be upset about either of those things and much of the time they have noone to share that pain with in any authentic capacity whatsoever.
That's why you have flocks of men choosing toxic, hateful ideologies in droves. Pretending that that the cult of ideal man doesn't exist, doesn't work for most men when it's everywhere. It's easier to find a talking-head who will reconcile the dramatic gap in expectations and reality with a diatribe about they are under attack.
There is loads of truth in what you wrote, and I bet virtually every person can relate to at least part of what you describe. We both know yours and other mens' situations will not be sorted by a youtube video or a comment, but I just wanted to let you know there's a strong chance that it will get better and that you should be proud of the strength it takes to just keep on trying. Anyway, I hope your day is going well, random youtube stranger!
Yup. I gave up ages ago. I hated how people treated when I was a kid so my disposition already brought me to being a loner. I've had nothing but time to grow in relative solitude. I don't really feel lonely these days. If there's any critique it's that I don't relate to anybody. I revel in this, but I do find it perplexing that people wound up like this. I grew up when stuff like cell phones still had buttons and our social media was myspace so I don't think I could've guessed we'd go in this direction where everyone is locking themselves up and suffering despite being so connected.
It's weird that I find myself giving advice on how to cope with things but I just don't have the same wiring as the people suffering from this do at the end of the day. I had a screwed up childhood environment and a much more welcoming adult life, even though most people would say that the state I'm in is pretty destitute. I don't feel "Bonds" like a lot of people do. I could be a schizoid of some sort really, the stereotypes match up pretty nicely for me. But I do feel bad that people who suck at being alone like that are suffering, I had loftier expectations of the people belittling me but now we're all in the same boat and I think that boat's rather overcrowded personally.
One thing for your question about getting out of loneliness: Getting a grip around hobbies helps socializing. Look out for clubs in your area about things that you love, search the internet for group meetings, local institutions where you can follow your hobbies. It is hard to overcome the anxiety to go there, I know, but step by step you'll get in touch with people that share your interest and this is a very good thing to start and strengthen interpersonal relationships.
this could not have come at a better time for me, trying to pull myself out of a mental health decline and figure out where and how to take control of my life. damn. thanks, Cam.
u can do it bro. we believe in you
Try Dr K, an actual psychologist, instead of a youtuber. And Academy of Ideas just recently put out a video on depression and its purpose.
@@ecupcakes2735
@@Ruylopez778 i already watch him and am in therapy so have enough "actual" info on it but thanks 🙃
There are countless people who feel your anguish and are cheering you on ❤
Here's my formula for making friends. It takes some time, but it works. First, find an event happening in your community that happens regularly. Maybe a club or class at a library, maybe a board game night at a bar, maybe an armature sports league. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you have some interest in it and it happens regularly. Second go to that thing. Yup, that's it nothing really special. Third, keep going to that thing -- become a regular. Just keep showing up and participating. Eventually you'll start to recognize people there and they will recognize you. That recognition will make it easier to have conversations. Those conversations are how friendships start.
Absolutely this, you just got to put in the time. No two ways around it. Having something regular always this. Can utra suck at first when you don't know anyone. But once you push through that it's so much better. People like people who like the same things so just do that. Underground music scenes are another good one too.
Note: this can be extremely limited in third world countries, for example if there is no music scene at all where you live :(
@@thechugg4372 that is something I've never considered. Thanks for the insight. Although there is usually a local scene of some sort even if it's traditional music??
@@thechugg4372 are you sure? I live in a third world country and underground music scenes seem thriving
Yes! I also want to emphasize you need to *participate*, which means talking to and actively engaging in their lives and allowing them to engage with your life. Cheer people on their wins. Remember the sorts of things they talked about and bring them up again later. You don't have to be perfect or even super accurate about it. The important part is engaging.
As a woman with a lot of male friends, I appreciate you reaching out to men and speaking with wisdom.
Don't believe this benevolent sounding propaganda, it's a narrow feminist picture of male psychology.
As a gay man I might be out of my element, but from what I notice when it comes to hetero men and the crisis they are going through, online Masculinity like Andrew Tate and such might not be the answer, but the alternatives that society provides aren't so great either, it's full of lies, wishful thinking, gaslighting, or outright man hating. So I'm not surprised when these lost men go to people like Andrew Tate, and on some level I blame society for making that bed.
Thanks for your perspective and understanding.
Yeah I call bullshit.
There are loads of options for young men on the internet that aren't reinforcing toxic masculinity.
But they don't go the easy way of just blaming minorities and women for mens problems, which is a much easier pill to swallow for men than that maybe they have to work on themselves too.
I used to share this perspective too, to the point where I'd get very defensive whenever I heard topics relating to words like "toxic masculinity", which is a term that is often misunderstood.
I think one thing to consider is that most of society does not hate men, despite what people on social media are telling us, and that the problem is that many of us (men) lack perspective.
People who are critical of men and masculinity are really asking us for something very simple, they are asking us not to be willfully ignorant, not to be bigoted, and to learn to be more empathetic towards women and other marginalized groups of people.
It's not really about us, but rather how our behavior as men affects other people.
It's not a personal failing for us to admit that we (men) have biases that have been cultivated within a misogynistic society that tells men how to behave in self-destructive ways.
We can convince ourselves that our problems are rooted from "society" or women, or some "other" group of people, when the reality is that we (men) are hurting ourselves.
Men built the society we live in, men tell people how they should behave (whether literally or through media), men tell us who to vote for, men violently police each other's behavior.
Because of how over-encompassing masculinity is in our culture, it is also reinforced within those who aren't men, don't identify as such, or don't quite fit in as men, which further perpetuates the problem.
@@SleepyMatt-zzz "People who are critical of men and masculinity are really asking us for something very simple, they are asking us not to be willfully ignorant, not to be bigoted, and to learn to be more empathetic towards women and other marginalized groups of people." thats so unbelievably and laughably untrue that, your either willfully ignorant, or just extremely oblivious, your narrative sounds like your typical femcel toxic narrative but with less insults. in truth, people like you just cant admit that there are negative treats to both sexes. also, it seems like empathy is always asked from men, but never given, thats an underlying issue in society (and that includes men AND women) and frankly im not sure you actually watched this video.
my question to ppl with your perspective is, why is it so hard for you to admit there are many male victims? why is it so hard for you to admit that there are objectively more male victims than female in almost every crime category but sexual? why is it so hard for you to admit that there are misandry and sexism against men is getting normalized in 1st world society, entertainment and media? and that many toxic women spread a femcel message just like many incels do the same?
"We can convince ourselves that our problems are rooted from "society" or women, or some "other" group of people, when the reality is that we (men) are hurting ourselves." more shameful victim blaming and mindless generalizations that dont help anyone, especially men and the only reason you have this perspective is due to your indoctrination of the femcel narrative that low key generalizes the blame of the patriarchy to all men, regardless of their victimhood or not. alot of this nasty femcel drivel your spouting is toxic, and is objectively part of the problem, as it doesnt take into account the higher levels of trauma men are more likely to get exposed to in life if statistics is anything to go by. this "hurting ourselves" narratives is a misandrist toxic take wrapped in an empathetic one, mens issues are laughably more complex than that.
in truth, society doesnt hate men NOR women, society isnt a moral structure, and never will be, society is mailable and never operated the way youre thinking it does. men didnt create society lol ( which is the greatest achievement in the history of animal history on this planet, and were going to another planet soon becuz of the society men has built), society was created based on the needs and dynamics and requirements for it to actually function and for people for that era to survive. this is why i hate your type of perspective and rhetoric. theres not much thinking or research put into it, your only variable is that all kingdoms were created by men (not even a fraction of a fraction of all men mind you), therefore society is created by men, which is simplistic and dismissive.
@@SleepyMatt-zzz Yet another ''men are inherently toxic and everything wrong in this world'' nonsense. Go get therapy for your man-hating,it's unhealthy
Honestly, you don’t even have to be a dude for this kind of toxicity around what being a “man” is in contrast to being a “woman” to get to you.
Like, I remember when my dog died and I was just crying and then I thought “god, I’m such a girl for crying”. And like, I don’t even think of myself as man, I just didn’t want to be a woman. So I was berating myself for crying. When my dog literally died in front of me.
The expectations we put on everyone-but especially men-to avoid being “like a girl” are just awful.
Yep, saying like a girI embraces the idea that we've buiIt masculinityy around stepping on others and now we wonder why we're in this mess.
Absolutely. Femininity and Masculinity are two sides of the same gender expectation coin and so the same is true of toxic masculinity and toxic femininity, which often work to reinforce one another. Like the whole "be dainty, quiet and submissive" toxic ideal of femininity that we've thankfully started to kill is the reflection of the whole machismo "be strong, loud and violent to get what you want" of toxic masculinity. We really can't completely get rid of either until we wholesale change our gender expectations for men and women alike.
To people in loneliness: Don't hide it. A friend of mine always made meta-commentary when we talked in university about how he is awful at talking to people because he lacks practice. As an introvert, I really felt that and I made it a point to always talk to him when I saw him around in the train or on campus. Don't pretend that you are having a great time and if someone looks like he might be lonely, maybe try to talk to them.
Also: Specialized forums are great for introverts. There are often old folks who can't even hide their excitement if a young person wants their opinion. I had an old guy drive an hour to me because he wanted to help me set up an aquaponic system. All I did was to post in a local forum and ask for beginners advice.
great point about specialised forums
Ohh, that's wonderful (without bering cynical). We need more possibilities ouf togetherness.
Also as an introvert don't shut off chances for yourself. Go for it and fail, then you will start to fail less, and will get better at talking to others.
I am introvert and honestly, I think not hiding something like that can have it's consequences. It's very nuanced, because I've had it both ways. Admitting to people you're not ok has gotten me one of 2 reactions:
1. Then do X Y Z to get better bro (usually go to gym or therapy, which I am not saying either are bad, just saying what I get told)
2. "Ugh, no one cares about your problems".
It's a very delicate thing to be vulnerable as a man like that, because frankly a lot of people just do not know how to handle it. You aren't "supposed" to be vulnerable, it's a shock to the system of many people.
It may be a spicy topic but I appreciate that someone somewhere is actually talking about this! Thank you.
If you are struggling with outbursts, especially physically - I can absolutely recommend learning the drums. Great way to hit things and make lots of noise for a good purpose, instead of uncontrolled violence. Anger is a normal and healthy part of having human feelings as I am finding out!
Channelling your feelings through decidedly positive physical activity can be totally meditative and rewarding like nothing else for your mind.
lmao but when I get angry and let it out through something productive the anger itself is still seen as "dangerous" even though I have never and will never hurt a fly
Learning drums seems like a lot of fun but i have no money and no room so probably a no for another few years
I was a drumer for about a year or 2 of my life but only in studios for practicing that already had drums. They are so goddamn expensive by themselves but I really want a drumset in my own home (electric one ofc.).
I honestly think they're not a good outlet for anger, especially if you are trying to be decent at them. The reason being is that drums aren't really "hit and make noise", you HAVE to be controlled and measured, sounding off beat and like you're throwing a fit will sound good for no one, including yourself. It takes years before you can "let loose", until then, the process itself can be frustrating enough to contribute to anger problems, not detract.
Older millennial lady here. I've experienced men with the "toxic" mentality all my life. Dated and loved a few of them. When I tried to tell them how to be better, they dismissed me. Because I was a woman and could never understand them was their reasoning why. I knew the message would have to come from another man. I'm glad you're reaching out to them. Hopefully it isn't too late for them.
Thanks for trying, at least. I'm sure it had some effect on some of them.
As a man, I do want to mention that men should be open to hearing messages from women. When I was in my 20s (which was awhile ago), an older female friend pretty much pointed out what I needed to work on if I ever wanted women in general to like me. It maybe wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. She delivered it in a compassionate, empathetic way, so it resonated. So hopefully some of the men you tried to help later thought things over and tried to improve, even if perhaps you were never aware. They might not even be willing to admit they listened.
While it might break through to some more toxic men, by & large these men have no trouble dismissing other men who come to them with views breaking their own orthodoxy by discounting them as "soy" & considering their masculinity as invalid.
You cannot force someone to question themselves if their entire sense of identity & ego is bound up in having internalised these toxic archetypes from such a young age that they have little conscious memory of having ever embodied anything else.
Usually it'll have to start through having it directly and unambiguously negatively impacting them personally in a very obvious way but even then they'll resist & resist & blind themselves.
Individuals who learn & change tend to be the exceptions to the rule, and at the broad level, it's generations who learn new things, not individuals.We spend our whole lives operating under assumptions based on everything we've learned to until that point, so it's harder to unlearn, than learn.
I could have posted that. (Except I'm older, and dated and loved more of them.)
The problem with becoming a better human is it means doing many of the things that society defines as "female." It requires vulnerability.
In the male culture of domination, those traits are downright dangerous.
The answer, though, is to discourage dominance behavior, and encourage connection and support instead.
...which is considered female.
...which means dominance culture is the real issue, not "being men."
@@kikijewell2967 it's ironic because society also tells men to be "rebels" and "mavericks" but then if they try to be feminist it's all like "No! Not like that!". The term "feminist" has been completely poisoned in the minds of so many people in society because they don't see it as equal rights. Ironically, men have now been instilled with a kind of victimhood mentality that prevents them from joining with women to overcome made-up gender stereotypes. Anti-men feminism practically doesn't exist. It's such a non-problem that videos that claim to show people spreading anti-men feminism half to fill up half the time with fake examples like MRA types pretending to be such and "real" feminists mocking the position and then clipped out of context. On the other side, "Red Pill" nonsense is prevalent as heck on social media and extremely popular with young men. At that point, it's really about parenting and making sure kids aren't consuming garbage media, tbh.
I spent decades creating long-form programming at PBS, CNN, and ABC. I worked with many of the BEST people in the business. You are as good and often better than most of them. Thank you for being SO good at what you do, every piece makes me happy and gives me hope.
Andrew tate definitely ain't the answer.
It's always a good day when you upload man, thank you so much for your wisdom.
you going through some horrible sh*t and being so hope with you audience of over 1m is so important to this next generation.
much love also from NZ! x
As a '91 baby raising two boys this hits at what worries me to my bones. Cam, thank you. This is such an important perspective to what is a very challenging narrative for young boys and men today. I also acknowledge the courage it takes to talk your deepest vulnerabilities and your voice is one of a few who I really do believe makes the internet toilet a better place to be 👏
As a young man who has found your channel mostly for journaling I didn't expect this video. But i'm so thankful that it was here. These are exactly the things that I've been struggling with for a while. This needs to be shared everywhere!
And for those struggling with being lonely. I've really found that having someone to talk to alleviates that. It can be anyone. Just don't be afraid of judgement. Be you. Be unapologetically you.
Damn this hit extra hard because one of if not the biggest problem I've had throughout my whole life is the fear of judgement. I constantly judge myself and fear judgement from others so much that i feel like I'm losing touch with myself from so much pretending and acting. I wish i had the confidence to just be myself man
What if "unapologeticaly me" is the problem?
I've been a feminist for a long time and use the term 'toxic masculinity', but I've also always been acutely aware of the unique struggles men face and don't attribute toxicity to all masculinity. I'm always careful to define it as a subset of masculinity that hurts women AND the men who hold it. You can be a big brawny man's man who loves sports and has a man cave, be the complete stereotypical image of Western masculinity, and still have healthy masculinity. Problematic masculinity is what keeps men from seeking help and causes them to express all of their emotions as indifference or aggression. I've been deeply hurt by men and sexism throughout my life. But I've also seen the ways my male friends have been deeply hurt throughout their lives, that I can't relate to having been raised female. There is room for both of these categories of issues to exist, be talked about, and be taken seriously. It's not about making men wear dresses, it's about supporting them to be physically capable of crying when they're overwhelmed and being able to say "I'm not doing good, I need help" when they need to, because that's human. If allowing them to express baseline vulnerability also opens them to wanting to try out stereotypically feminine things, I don't give a damn. I don't give a damn if a good man never wants to stray from his stereotypical masculinity, as long as he's alright and has the emotional intelligence to not cause needless pain. It really hurts my heart that young men and boys who haven't done anything wrong are being exposed to this kind of rhetoric from both extremes, without the offline real-world context that it's not normal.
Great Comment, thx!
Great comment. It always creates a mess when terms that should be used with caution instead gets thrown around wildly, to the point where the original meaning seems to be lost or people just kind of let it mean whatever they don’t like.
NO MAN WITH ANY SENSE OF SELF-RESPECT WILL BE FEMENIST!!! MASCULINITY CANNOT BE TOXIC IT IS ONE OF THE MOST BASED THINGS WHICH EXIST!!!
If only more than 1% of feminists thought this way.
@@Koroar I think feminists generally do, though the ones that don't are few and far in-between, but our dopamine receptors get giddy when they see the number that are feathered and tarred on social media and then our brains generalize those few as feminism as a whole.
Great video
What amazes me about "masculinity" and stuff like that is why people worry abput that.
Like, if you are happy, yoi will never worry about stuff like that.
And the second thing that amazes me is, instead of peopke try to solve that unapiness, no, they turn to twitter and youtube arguing with another people, just to feel something.
Imagine being on deadbed and think "i wish i won more internet discussions"
People worry about it because we have a need for boundaries. Most, not all, people need a clear path to learning.
Like, if we want to be a plumber, we need someone to learn plumbing from. We don't just say, don't let anyone tell you how to do plumbing, just do plumbing the way you think you should.
So yes, young men need to learn how to be men. The thing is, if people of goodwill are unwilling to teach, people like Andrew Tate will be teaching them.
i think people worry about it because they were told a story by their fathers as to how they would be able to navigate the world as men, and what a man is, based on their fathers' experiences in a less progressive world. and now that they have come of age, their expectations have been shattered and they don't know what to do.
i know the same happened to me as a woman - i had to grieve the notion that men would be running after me trying to get my attention and stuff like that, and that this not happening doesn't make me less of a woman
Masculinity and femininity messages are pushed at very young ages. I got "how to be a woman" talks all the time and femininity was pushed hard on me. I've never been subject to the masculinity push, but I know these are present in every day life and is pushed very hard, either by parents or adult role models or by social media. Social media isn't all exclusively to blame but it certainly makes extreme ideas more visible and has exacerbated an already long existing issue.
Honestly I don't think dismissing masculinity is a good approach. People want identity and they want to belong some place in the world. "Boy" and "girl" are one of the first identities we learn about and are given and those are reinforced by social norms. We need to redefine those definitions instead of saying they don't exist. People need to feel safe exploring who they are and what isn't safe is trying something and being ridiculed for engaging in something because it's seen as the "opposite" of what you're told your identity is.
Humans are very much shaped by our environment and our social structures. In fact, what has been more and more understood is that we need other people because it's a need and instinct within our species. Social rejection feels so awful because it used to be a death sentence.
I agree that people tend to be happier when they let go of those external factors of judgment and assigned identity (labels are only useful when you identify with them yourself). But it's simply not possible to just say don't worry about it and expect all the issues to disappear.
I think you don't really get it though. "instead of trying to solve that unhappiness"... Well, how? Most of those dudes haven't been taught better not to look for solutions and meaning in those toxic youtube and twitter communities. And while there are good ideas sprowting here and there like in this video, there is no known consensus on how to fix these problems.
Being happy is not easy. It's not like they're stupid and willingly reject happiness and solutions to go consume online discourse, you know?
If you're happy enough not to worry about masculinity you're either extremely privileged, or lucky enough to be in an environment where gender roles don't weight on you.
Guess what, that's certainly not the situation for most men.
Dude, as someone who has watched ALL of your videos, this was an absolute home run.
Brought me to tears twice. So relatable. This should be shared far and wide.
I can think of at least 3 friends that need to watch this.
Sincerely, thank you ❤️
Honestly. It's such an excellent take on such a hard issue.
I’m raising kids alone (not by choice) in a world where “fatherlessness” is a meme, and I struggle a lot with the internet topic of masculinity and how my kids are growing up perceiving what men/masculinity is or isn’t. Witnessing grown men abandon their kids because of their masculinity struggles that actually stemmed from their own childhood traumas, I feel like this is such an important topic/conversation for men to be having. I can feel listening to you how much bravery it takes. Thank you so much for how you shared this message ❤
This is a question you do not have to answer but I am curios nonetheless, what circumstances lead you to becoming a single mother? You absolutely do not have to answer this, I know it is personal.
"Witnessing grown men abandon their kids because of their masculinity."
Hilarious, did you come up with that one all by yourself?
@@EyePatchGuy88 seems like she doesnt know shes part of the problem, rather than the solution. ima go ahead and guess shes fine with abortion but thinks men shouldnt have a say in whether they want to be a father or not.
Who's choosing those ''grown men who abandon their kids'' though?Hmmmm,i wonder who......
These replies really learned nothing from the video they’re watching, huh?
I’m sorry you have to deal with these people. Thank you for taking the time to learn a bit from another perspective.
COMPASSION IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME
DIGNITY IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME
We can support people of all genders without scapegoating or victimizing one over the other.
Right, that's why we're asking men to stop scapegoating and victimizing us and start behaving more like us, people who don't do those things. 👍
@@amandasunshine2 stop blaming men and lumping them all together.
I got into a pretty bad headspace in my mid 20's where I didn't really do much of anything other than succumb to depression, and I immediately gravitated to 4chan, and for any guys out there like that, it's not too late, you can talk to people, you can make new friends, you can go back to school, you can just talk to women you like. The more you do it the less scary it is, and it doesn't matter if you're at a bad place in your life, broke, struggling with mental health, etc. women can tell if you're trying. Not saying you should get into a relationship with the expectation that's going to make your life better, fix all your problems or have somebody in your life to do things for you but even with apps and internets you can still just like, talk to people if you don't do it in a creeped out, disingenuous way that violates all social norms. Ask people to get coffee/a drink with you, it's cheap, low effort, low commitment and there's witnesses
this comment is awesome because it’s completely inundated with the implication that everything is already this hypothetical man’s fault and that he needs to conduct himself in a way that atones for whatever it is you think he did/will do.
all of your advice is reminiscent of some kind of dystopian precognition system that apprehends criminals before they’ve even done anything wrong. it seems to me that your experience has tainted your perspective.
your comment implies that just because the world has subjugated you that other young men must also yoke themselves to societal expectations for the mere chance of one day being accepted.
@@eebbaa5560 Being depressed wasn't my fault, but it was my responsibility to figure a way to manage it in a constructive way. The rest of the world has to live with me. I'm not saying you have to fit into a little box or that everybody needs to go to college or be a social butterfly or even be in a relationship (ace people are a thing and it's ok), but being independent and trying to challenge and better yourself gives you a lot of self-determination. You can lean into being miserable, or not.
What makes you think people want to speak to me?
Nobody ever considers how the other person feels
Women can't tell if you're trying. Women are people with their own lives and stuff going on and most don't have the time to analyse your interior life, because they're already analysing their own
@@painunending4610Quit being a blackpilled bed wetter.
I know I am mtf trans but this advice is good no matter who you are. At least so far. I love it though.
Yeah. This video is just chalk full of stuff everyone needs to hear regardless of sex or gender. Good job. I love it.
You mentioned tribalism which is a very big factor. However, I think you should mention compassion more, which is another big factor.
Those alpha male's narrative fundamentally has no compassion for women. Those extreme feminist's narrative fundamentally has no compassion for men. It is fine to point out the current issue among social groups. However, this should be done calmly to improve our society instead of to derive pleasure by obnoxiously insulting others. Polite criticism is almost always better received than nasty insult.
This lack of compassion is very similar to tribalism. However, tribalism tend to be a more abstract label whereas the lack of compassion can be easily recognized as bad by listeners.
Extremely helpful video, especially in terms of validating experiences and giving actionable steps to improve! I'm going to have to ponder on this and rewatch it a few times. As a male who also had SA happen to him as a child, and who also lacked male figures to look up to for guidance, I've stuggled a lot with that it means to be a positive version of masculine; especially with all the shouting about how broken men are in general.
This video was GREAT. I was just having a conversation about this earlier with my significant other. I recently got into some TH-cam videos and witnessed how extreme both sides have become just as you laid out. I am 54 yrs old and I feel for the young kids trying to find their way through this mess.
I think that CODE acronym with questions can be useful for everyone who feels (a bit) lost in life. I'm going to use it myself. (Not a man.)
My outburst is hanging on my PC on social media and playing videogames for way too long, not doing the important things I need to do for myself and then I feel disconnected from others.
Edit: I just got a library card yesterday because when there I noticed I love to just walk around in the library and then checkout and read some of whatever I see that my eye falls on. It definitely fits impulsivity!
As usual, amazing work. Seriously thinking of recommending it to my teenage boys (18 and 13). Thanks, man.
you definitely should!
You can also discuss some of these topics with them as their dad :)
As long as they got good genetics they'll be fine
Loved the vid mate. Don't know why but it's got me crying lol. Guess I've got some work to do
Thank you for this video Struthless. You have a real knack for taking difficult topics like this and providing easy to understand, earnest, and levelheaded analysis and advice. You’re really saving lives man.
Loneliness. That shit is so hard. As a man it doesn't just feel internally hard to open up to people, it feel external too. In the depth of my worst crisis it felt like no one wanted to hear about it from me. It felt like no one around me was prepared to handle that type of vulnerability from a man.
But here's the thing. You don't form the type of friendships that can support you in that way without first taking the risk of opening up. It's that act of vulnerability that actually creates those bonds. It won't work with everyone you know, but if you let on to your friends that you're struggling some of them will make that space for you. When they do the bond between you will grow stronger and help to create the type of friendship that can be supportive.
DONT STOP HERE! THE NEXT BIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!
This is a reciprocal relationship. You have to make space for your new friends to be vulnerable with you as well. Nobody is interested in supporting a friend who doesn't support them back.
Don't overload. Your friends are not a bucket for you to spew all of your negative emotions into. That type of relationship is extremely taxing. It's why we have to pay therapists in money.
Make space for fun. Friendships are a special type of relationship. You're friends are the people you spend time with because being around them is enjoyable. The entire relationship can't just be emotional support. You've got to do things together that make being around each other fun. Even if that's just sitting around cracking jokes.
yeah and taking that risk has pushed away every fucking friend I have ever made because absolutely fucking no one wants to hear that you're even sad one day let alone you want to die every fucking day and that you just want a hug.
And I always leave the door open for them to be vulnerable, and its RARELY being taken. They respond really positive but then never do it again.
I fucking hate people because I try following all these fucking guidlines and none of them fucking work
@@jeffreychandler8418 Fuckin a dude. Yeah it sucks. A lot of my old good times buddies aren't people I'm in contact with anymore. I just gradually lost interest in people who didn't have my back when I needed them.
I'm sorry it's hard. I'm sorry your friends suck. I wish I had better advice for you than all the cliché stuff you've already heard a million times.
There are people out there who give a shit. I promise. They can just be harder to find sometimes.
@@stephenwilliams163 that's the thing that feels like the universe is playing some cruel trick on me.
every goddamn time I think I found those people, it becomes clear that they aren't.
I don't understand it because I swear I'm always doing my best and doing well but it just never gets anywhere with anyone.
It feels like a cosmic practical joke. "how much loneliness can we give this guy"
@@jeffreychandler8418only I am human
@@jeffreychandler8418welcome to being a man male aloneness is very real
Excellent work here with helpful and fun illustrations. I will say that my jimmies were rustled a bit when you said a biologist would define a man as someone with a Y chromosome (base on my experience in that field, that kind of statement has more to do with social/political leanings than occupation). I understand you were trying to keep that segment snappy and concise, though, and it didn't detract *too* much from the point you were making.
I find it really interesting that as a woman I see content on these same topics all the time gear towards me but the majority of the men I see in this space are the grifters and haters. It's like content for women is empathy focused and for men it's all shame focused. Which naturally translates to self love for women and self hate for men. There's a paper on discipline by the army I recently heard about from a female TH-camr and she brought a sense of self love to it that I don't think the men who wrote it would have even thought of. It was phrased as self respect, but the same idea has been in every productivity thing by a woman I've seen to date. Unfortunately many male influencers push the idea of self respect as a feeling of superiority over others (betas etc) instead of an independent assurance of self and love of that self. Idk how we get from here to there, but I think it's clear that's at least one major change that's needed.
yep, theres even memes about how men motivation is just like "you're NOTHING, you're USELESS, get UP"
"many male influencers push the idea of self respect as a feeling of superiority over others"
That's a really god point! It goes hand in hand with the portrayal of vulnerability as weakness. Men learn to rely on domination for their self-esteem.
almost like every fucking person on this goddamn hellscape of a planet force men to avoid self love, and in fact that they should sacrifice themselves for other people's comfort
@@jeffreychandler8418 big hugs, sounds like you definitely haven't been getting the support you deserve. At least you're able to see it and admit it. So many men I've known have internalized this bs to the point that nobody can reach them 😔 you are breaking the cycle and that's something to truly be proud of 😊
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 I'm sorry but externalizing it honestly probably makes me far more of a problem than any of those men that internalized it.
I have consistently been fucked over by society and others even when following ALL of the advice. My patience with society is waning, and I'm so tired.
I just want to be allowed to be human...
This is really well said, I have always struggled to articulate the current state of boys/men in the modern world and how it shouldn't be an us versus them. This video is a great place to point to! The CODE should be taught in schools.
I know this comment will probably get lost, but thanks man, I found this video in a moment where i really needed it, and even if ypu can't see this, I hope you know you changed my life (and maybe others lifes too) for the better, I appreciate you uploading videos like this
By far the best video on the topic ive watched so far
Especially love focus on NEET vs Yeet and "idolize a r*pist or hate yourself". These are things usual missing from discussion from people who claim to want to help
Hard to help if you wont address as much as you can identify
I'm a transwoman and this still profoundly deeply hits for me. I think you're doing something! (I think its beautiful)
Hey Struth. I've been watching you for years. I just wanted to say - thank you so much for making this video. This is something I've struggled a lot with. In a world that is creating safe spaces to express just about every form of identity (which is awesome, I love that for them) except masculinity, it's often felt like there's nowhere to just... grow and exist as a good dude. Communities of men either have self-flaggelating or toxic Da Boiz energy, and it's felt super isolating. I'm lucky enough to have an amazing partner and good friends that I can talk about this kind of aimlessness with, but it's still something that needles me.
I recently told some friends that I felt Disney missed an opportunity with Elsa's character traits in Frozen for some positive messaging with young boys (i.e. conceal, don't feel), and was met with blank stares. It's so frustrating that all anyone wants to do is call out toxicity, but are completely unreceptive to conversations about how to change the way we talk to boys and young men in order to effect a positive change.
So... thank you again, Struth, for using your platform to talk about it.
"Just convinced 2 men into suicide!" isn't as upsetting as a guy talking about a hypothetical daughter being attractive. wtf? Where do you sit on the extremism chart?
can't speak for the second one but the "just convinced 2 men into suicide" post just seems super flippant and tongue-in-cheek to me. seems to be riffing off the "toxic girlboss" trope in bad taste etc etc
Your videos are so fantastic. Thanks for making this, can't wait to share it with people.
This is excellent. Thank you for the time, effort, skills, and compassion you are sharing with the world. You're making it a better place. Please know that you're not just trying, you're succeeding.
I cannot recommend enough Nancy Peacey's 'The Toxic War on Masculinity'. Her grasp of history and sociology contextualises all of this wonderfully. She also has a great grasp of how Christianity gave us the vision of what it means to be a good - a source too often over looked.
For instance, traditionally men worked with their wives and children as part of the home economy - the notion of the stoic, competitive, value free, individual male in the marketplace didn't develop until the scientific revolution met industrialisation in the 19th century.
I wish those trying to actually fix “toxic masculinity” (a term coined by an 80’ OG men’s rights/advocacy group) had spent more time talking with and to men and, especially, boys instead of at and about them.
This only fed into this alienation and checking out and, honestly? I don’t blame them.