Japanese international marriage tips from an old guy in Japan. Easy red flags to look for.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 พ.ค. 2024
- Some people have asked me to do some videos on international marriage here in Japan, so this is the first of many to come.
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Early next year i plan to expand my rural Japan cafe to include rescuing stray cats in my area to turn it into a unique Cat Cafe. Any help is very much appreciated.
www.buymeacoffee.com/realrura...
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"real rural dating advice" here 😂 very translatable to all countries, i guess
Lived in Japan for over a decade and never thought of it like that, but you're spot on. My way of figuring out if Japanese women were serious is if they wanted to see me again. I found that most just wanted the experience of having a foreign boyfriend for a little while, and possibly free English lessons - until they got tired of me anyway. Fun if you're young, but as you get older it becomes pretty shallow.
That is REALLY important. "how she is talking about her father is how she is going to treat you". Girls with daddy issues are not wife material, period, no matter where you are from. I more or less refuse to date someone that didn't have a functional family growing up.
I feel that’s rather unfair. We can’t choose our families but we can choose what we do and who we become. People who managed to overcome a difficult childhood and adverse circumstances are people I respect even more than those who had it easy.
@@mark9294 It sucks, but some things are not fixable and I'm not even going to try to.
@@mark9294 but those who manage to overcome a difficult childhood aren't in the majority, in my experience. I might not completely rule out dating someone from a dysfunctional family, but I would certainly be cautious.
Wasn't expecting the father reference, but it makes sense. Children who grow up without parental or adult role models would have a difficult time developing a construct for a functional adult in a relationship. The same could be said for many other societies. Insightful, as always.
First time hearing the word "winge." Had to look it up.
It’s a very antipodean term interchangeable with whine.
@@thundercid1533 Learned another new word. Thanks.
Eh mate thank you , I totally agree , women who know how to get there hands dirty , are happier ,and have more empathy and compassion than the superficial ,plastic pretty ones ,
Totally agree with the long nails rule. It's a universal one. I'm from Romania, and I stay away from ladies with long nails, whether they are actual nails or fake ones. Tha't a no bueno. Not something to show to your parents/introduce to your parents.
As an expat female I have seen a ton of expats married to locals in various countries. The marriages that seem to break up the fastest are marriages where the expat man met his wife in a bar. The men who marry regular women they met at work or through activity/sports/hobby clubs seem to have more success. Japan doesn't recognize joint custody of children so make sure your marriage works before having kids to avoid heartbreak.
There's a saying in psychology : for better or worse, people really do deserve each other.
Really interesting advice on the first point. I hadn't thought about that perspective before.
Bravo. As a divorced man with a Japanese ex wife I agree with everything you said here. Thank you.
Going to restaurants as a life purpose would be a red flag as well.
Restaurants aren't too bad. An Instagram account with thousands of food photos is though.
The real danger is clubbing and parties. If she's got over 100 party friends in her phone/social media, she's either a party animal or a drug dealer....SIGH
@@edwardfletcher7790
I get your point and I agree to big extent. :)
One gets good at what they practice.
I wanted a wife who’s good at something other than eating.
Going restaurant is fine, being obsessed is common in Tokyo.
At least for me, I find intelligent women attractive and I’d prefer them to have some goals in life.
@valdius85
This means she has no hobbies or interests that can't be good.
@edwardfletcher7790
Restaurants aren't too bad. An Instagram account with thousands of food photos is though.
I get quite a few coming through my cafe from time to time. Many do it as job i don't know how that works though.
@@RealRuralJapan
I struggle to explain it properly.
Restaurants are absolutely fine, it’s just not my cup of tea if all someone does is visiting restaurants and that’s all they talk about. I’ve met these people.
For me restaurant is a background for meeting people. Visiting restaurants should not be a hobby or main goal in life.
Insta full of food photos is for sure a no go.
Saying that, I have some special needs so I don’t need anyone to agree with me on that ;)
I like books and stuff…
I asked what my prospective wife what her dad did, seemed a normal thing to be curious about, it wasn’t anything exciting in my mind but it was honest work. Also I wanted to know I wasn’t getting into. something “dodgy”.
This is EXCELLENT realistic advice. The work culture differences are stark and behavioral norms are completely different.
You need to be a stoic mindset and have a broad minded wordly wife.
Japanese men bottle up a lifetime of stress and then die at 60 ☹️
Japanese women expect a masculine man who provides strong leadership and is resolute in his behavior.
BUT, gives them total control of household management.
If the lady is very fashionable, social and yet can't cook, clean or offer any home skills AVOID !!!
Women who don't like or care for pets is a huge red flag, it means they've got no empathy or nurturing capability. They don't care about anything other than themselves.
Always look out for narcissistic traits as they will be hidden until it's too late. Narcissists can be charming to get what they want, but once they have it, the politeness & effort is no longer necessary.
Some of the best advice I've come across.
Lots of wisdom here, thank you
Yeap, I’ve always looked at the nails. I find long ones disgusting. 😂
I’d include plastic ones as well. 😂
Long nails are ALWAYS plastic aren't they ? Otherwise how else can the women pay the salon to change them every fortnight ? SIGH
@@edwardfletcher7790
No need for capitals.
No, they are not always glued on type of plastic nails.
This advice is applicable worldwide, not just in Japan.
Beware of brand name handbags.
Absolutely!
And try not think about who paid for them.....
Wow...I haven't thought of this....Thank you
Really appreciate your content, speaking your mind, which is rare these days. Valuable wisdom, subbed.
Thanks man -- I think this hit a few questions I had in a comment on a prior video.
Im across the water in Korea. Its been a good run but I got here in the 2000s so it was a different era. Pre-social media, Smartphones, etc...Also the country was "emerging" and the currency was strong. These days, I probably wouldnt advise a younger guy to come to Japan or Korea. They are export dependent countries which are very vulernable to wars and global recessions. Argentina was once a top 5 economy in the world and now they are using the currency for paper airplanes. It could happen in Asia too. The one opportunity would be if you have a huge savings of swiss francs or something, then yea come here and live it up. (And look for a traditional woman with no tattoos, doesnt smoke, drink, or that kind of stuff)
Japan and Korea have different type of economies. Korea uses the old system from the Japanese Empire days--huge conglomerates that act as their own capital markets. Which is why Korea is dominated by only a few companies. As long as those companies are doing well, everything is good. But if they have a problem, then Korea itself will falter. Even a company like Toyota is just a very small part of the Japanese economy. Japan, believe it or not, didn't rely on exports much as a percentage of GDP--their domestic market is large enough to keep local companies complacent on export markets--exactly why Korea succeeded on cell phones while Japan didn't, to give one example. Anyways, I agree with your overall point, Japan and Korea both are very stressful places to live and work.
@@stevens1041 interesting.
Japan may do a little better in the coming years then.
@JohnSalaLotusDharmawise words 👍 couldn't agree more
Thanks for the tips!
Thanks for the advice I appreciate it. It all really makes sense too.
Pearls of wisdom!
I look forward to watching your videos in my relaxation time after work or on days off- I enjoy learning more about the finer details of Japanese life and this was super helpful as a gaijin. Always entertaining and love seeing the countryside as you chat and drive.
No worries glad you enjoy them.
Good advice - interesting take on this topic.
Great advice mate おもしろいですね 👍🏽
This is really good advice universally.
Great advice.
Good advices Sir thank you
great vid
You are a thinking man...thanks for the reminders.
I used to date a girl who would always have her nails done, she was a hard worker but also an absolute slob, one day I was at home washing the dishes and she asked me “why do you wear gloves while washing the dishes, are you afraid to chip a nail?” Your rule about nails just put everything into perspective 😂😂😂
That was a very, very good take on man/women relationships in general. The "father" "mother" relationship in once life can have a lot of influence. Trippely so for people who do not, never have, never will, reflect on what shaped them AT ALL. Like I said, in a nother video, so glad I found your channel again. Cheers.
interesting observations
Btilliant! If the potential wife does not know what her father did / does for work then it is a BAD situation. You don't want to get in to a bad situation.
The lack of knowledge about her father is sooooo true. Why didn’t I hear this 25 years ago. 😳
Working in kitchens and hospitality in general pays a pittance but it gives you a great education on people.
Damn, with the advice given, this hound has been dreaming of the wrong game to hunt.
I just found your channel and I promise to get caught up but please forgive me if some of my questions have already been asked.
Lot's of good advice! My marriage, and those of most of my friends, have been very happy, but I could tell you a few horror stories.....
If a woman doesn't want to talk about or says she doesn't know what her father does, it may be because he was a gangster, in prison, or worked in an unsavory job or was very poor, abusive or wasn't even around.
Another reason for marriage failure is the fact that many Japanese women think that all Western men are wealthy, and they'll be living a very comfortable and even luxurious life if they marry one. I know a number of Japanese ladies who came to the U.S. with their new husbands only to discover that the guy was a hopeless loser, so they divorced him and went on to build very successful lives for themselves.
Maybe next time talk to some Japanese ladies about how to choose a foreign husband!
Steve giving relationship advice, priceless 😅
Some people wanted it and let me tell they desperately needed it from the look of their questions! LOL
@@RealRuralJapan 😂
...lol You got the right concept brother, I used to run a Modeling Agency in California, I was surrounded by these women who use to tell how the use men.lol As I say you go to a bar to find a bar girl then expect that type who has that life style and will continue and expect to be taken out to bars, the club girls, the massage girls - young hotties - just know they expect you to adapt or move on, ask yourself is this someone you can bring home to mom. I still am in actor in the film industry and see this type of "girls" by the truck load. Or you can be okay with that and be a sugar daddy... lol Aloha brother - still waiting for that pizza dough making video.
Nice I can drive this side of the road
Especially the “men don’t winge” thing is/was true for my Siberian ex-wife as well. Her father was buckling away 14 hours a day at some sort of mine and he never dared pipe up about how hard his day at work was. Visiting her parents in Siberia, I saw some huge red flag as the dad was basically a broken husk of a person while the vulgar and loud mother kept him henpecked. While my wife did find her mother loud and thought they were a bit simple due to their environment, she didn’t really empathise with the dad much and basically appeared to be convinced that he was happy (which he definitely wasn’t).
Suffice to say, back at home when I started full time work, I wasn’t allowed to say one negative thing about my day, like train was delayed etc. Not the tiniest thing. Essentially I felt I was expected to just shut up and cater to her emotional needs
Happily married for 18 years... My wife married a guy just like her dad (her dad and I have the same degree, and we both were in the same field/job at the same company our whole career). Moral of the story... find a woman who is looking for a guy just like her dad, and things will work out just fine😎
there is the one thing about you unconsciously seeking someone like your opposite sex parent. I think Id rather die personally but gosh darn Ive seen it in past relationships Lmao
atleast her dad is present... ive had a crush with a fatherless i ran away when i saw all of her daddy issues
My marriage was a disaster. Wrecked my life.
Very sorry to hear that…hope you’re doing alright
Bummer. My wife and I often talk about what a huge chance one takes when getting married, as it is far and away the most important decision of one's life. Cheer up, there's plenty of good ones out there.
What kind of relationship would involve not knowing what one's wife's family is / was doing? That sounds completely bonkers to me.
I'd never walk away due to a red flag, at least not with the examples here. I'd try some kind of test first and see the response you get incase you are misjudging her. Give her a chance to go dutch on a meal or ask her to help with washing/hoovering the car or food prep before/after going on a road trip. Not romantic but can sort the wheat from the chaff and identify someone who has an interest in you as a person rather than as an accessory (and obviously the reverse applies to girls sniffing out sub par guys).
Anyway, I've been catching up on and enjoying some of your videos (especially stray cats (I can't believe they eat cucumbers as famously they are terrified of surprise cucumbers placed behind them while they eat!), Japanese love of baseball and manners versus law). Your one about "anything other than 'Yes' meaning 'No' actually made me go and speak to a neighbour this week as I think I'd acted like an average Japanese and possibly confused them rather than being direct.
I try not to be a whinger, but there are modern social/housing trends in the UK and I wonder if some of these resonate in Japan (or if there are other ones that cause debate or friction).
- everyone putting up increasingly high fences in their gardens to avoid contact with neighbours (when I grew up these would be waist height everywhere and there'd be an expectation you would not avoid your neighbours)
- people being so absorbed in mobile phones that they won't make eye contact whilst holding conversations (I'd imagine this suits many Japanese) or they'll actually kind of ignore the people they are 'socialising' with
- gardens being paved over for cars or due to a lack of interest in plants (do Japanese in rural areas garden for pleasure or primarily for food? Do they have gardening programmes on TV?)
- increasingly oversized vehicles (aka 'Chelsea tractors') used by people travelling exclusively in urban/suburban areas (including many with no large dogs, child booster seats or works/sport kit)
- crazy amounts of time spent noisily powerhosing (way beyond what is required for the task, although this seems to be calming down a bit, so maybe it was just a novelty or they noticed their electricity bills)
- housebuilding on decent farmland and people massively overpaying for new build houses that lose 10-20% of value the moment they've taken the door keys (rather than getting a much better deal on a modern house that has been lived in - obsession with new)
- increasingly regular home improvements (new bathrooms/kitchens every 5-10 years when the existing one is faultless)
- rising dog ownership (often tiny dogs) with young couples, almost like a substitute for having a kid
- rise of people choosing part time working, early retirement and home working
- rise of organic food, free range food, vegetarianism, recycling etc?
- changes in how people heat their houses and store energy (solar panels, batteries, heat pumps) and government measures to support this (the Japanese car sector is famously pro-petrol, despite the Prius and Leaf).
Also, I don't know if you like sports (I agree on baseball!) but I notice average Japanese rugby attendances rose sharply over the past year and some weekends crowds are 30k+, 3 to 4 times above average (almost like an associated company is forcing people to attend on certain dates). What sports are popular in Japan and why? Are there ones that the rest of the world doesn't really do (other than sumo)? Are companies like Yamaha, Toyota etc routinely owners of sports clubs or is it just rugby? If you work for a company what sort of events do they expect you to attend outside of work and do employees hate this or welcome it?
No worries if these aren't things that chime with you or if this message was just a bit too long after a day in the cafe. Just throwing ideas out there.
A lot to cover there in time i might be able to cover most of it. BTW Rugby is a sizeable sport here and has a cult following.
any woman with long nails even if they're stuck on nails is telling you she does the bare minimum and deserves to be pampered like a princess/queen
Eh, I don't think that's necessarily true. A woman who works hard, can take care of herself financially. That means she can buy fake nails, or go to the nail parlor.
On the other hand, she can be living off her parents' money, or off credit cards. That means she's fiscally irresponsible. These days, if a guy's nails are done--he's usually "off" in some way.
@rubies200
Long natural nails are brittle and even a just bit of manual labor damages them let's not pretend this isn't the case. In the video it was clearly stated the glue on ones aren't an issue. I agree with you but someone in the nail salon a lot tends to be the type that doesn't like manual work as well. This can be an issue if they spend a lot of time there when other stuff gets avoided so got to be careful.
@@RealRuralJapan Yes, I have long nails. I'm a woman. And I do manual labor. They break often, but I see there a nail-strengthening emulsions out there that can harden them. There are shorter press-ons that women who work, can wear.
People have misjudged me simply because I have nice hands. One lady, who looked at my hands, sniffed and said, "you've never done any dishes!" Well, I've washed my own dishes for 25+ years now and my hands *still* look the same!
@rubies200
Do you know what a generalization really is? They exist because they are GENERALLY true. Exceptions to the rule exist to prove the rule. That is how it works.
@@RealRuralJapan I know what a "generalization" is, thank you.
Hey honey, what does you dad do for work?.. Her...i dont know for sure, but he has a lot of tattoos and is missing half of a finger.
Im down for that. Equivalent to here. Lol
To add to this, in a country where many women are unwilling to marry a foreigner because of what their parents would think, it's especially important to look for a woman who respects her father, as one who's willing to marry a foreigner is already less likely to have a good relationship with her parents.
Just means their parents are more closed minded and the chances are their children will be too. Less traveled, less educated and the like means the children will be also. So that is an easy pass anyway for me.
@@RealRuralJapan Yeah, it's just one thing people moving to Japan (or any foreign country with somewhat insular people) have to keep in mind about dating - they're not only competing on all the same things they would be back home (age, money, looks, etc), but they also have to navigate the minefield that's left when most women won't entertain dating you as more than a bit of fun with the foreigner but not an actual marriage prospect due to familial pressure or even just language barriers. You end up looking at what's left that doesn't have red flags, and what's left is likely a tiny pool of women.
I keep telling people that the pool of Japanese women open to marrying a foreigner is about 5%. But yet they watch stuff that gives them the impression that it is not. That is on them.
A beautiful woman is NOTHING but trouble. They are crocs!
Long finger-nails > maybe in rural areas but in the city, nup that's off the mark (single girl living in a small apato); the father situation > usually because they never meet their father much other when he's tired after a long week, or maybe disrespect due to some family issues, but to say that the wife will treat their husband the same as the father that they don't like/know is a stretch too far IMO. I would say that J-women who have father issues will bring some emotional baggage to the relationship, particularly if the gaijin husband is not aware of the cultural backdrops. Super-model friends = shallow? I would agree to a point, but the dynamics of Japanese groups could see someone who is not shallow or low IQ but wants to be part of a group, i.e. country lass who has moved to the city. One big thing you need to keep in mind is that because Japanese men get most of the better jobs, company and government opportunities, there are a lot of hidden smart girls spread across the female population in Japan, who never got a real chance. Street-wise doesn't always equal low IQ. Some good topics covered though in your video.
ok - whinging is complaining, whining. I had to look it up!
The vid in a nutshell.
Find a good down to earth woman who is;
intelligent.
Mature mentally and emotionally.
Not afraid to roll up her sleeves and get dirt under the nails.
Who has a good relationship with her father and mother.
Isnt self absorbed and superficial and hungry for drama.
And doesnt suffer from a chronic case of hypergamy.
And is caring and loving.
No long finger nails low IQ's, and superficial freinds.
Best of luck. Because in this day and age. Its only getting harder to find a good partner.
Is this a main road? A main road for the countryside, I mean? There aren't any sidewalks, and I see zero pedestrians
Sidewalks are a thing for the suburbs and city. There are sidewalks out here but very few.
@@RealRuralJapan I also noticed all the orchards and vineyards. Intensive agriculture for a mountainous country with little arable land, no doubt?
@@RealRuralJapan it's amazing how the media here in the US only shows the cities. One reason I like your channel and Abroad In Japan is the glimpses of "real" Japan
@RonSkurat
Tokyo is just another standard metropolis with a few oddities that still make it Japan. Nothing much more than that IMO.
@@RealRuralJapan Rome is the same way. If it weren't for the museums, you could skip it
the one I proposed to talks a lot about her father and we get along great. No red flags so far :))
Where are you living? I am in Nishio, Aichi.
Wakahohoshina Nagano
These are really good tips. Applies to western women too. I find it really sad when a young lady sees a man as a meal-ticket and not a worthy person. Sadly, the reverse is true as well, but with different motivating factors.
A lot of people have broken hearts to tend to because the only thing they want out of a partner is looks and/or exoticism.
Good analysis. I know it is disapproved to say these things these days but the fundamentals remain true. It's nature. I think women tend to know these things instinctively - maybe men should listen to their mothers more. 😁 Cheers
I definitely don’t think men should listen to their mothers on this issue. Much to the contrary
I have no idea what you mean by winch, I'm guessing you mean complaining.
Whinge.
What if your girlfriend grew up without a father
There are a lot of different types of daddy issues this is one of them.
As with the post I made earlier, growing up without a father figure is a massive red flag. Interestingly, I was never convinced that it would have such a huge effect on women, until that particular situation which screamed "I was raised in a single parent household without a father figure". I honestly couldn't believe how much she had changed and how far she gone.
LoL.. some of your advice are obvious. But the issue is more of we men tend to fall over head over hells when we are in love. so ignore the red flag signs. Also, general thing is... People needs to understand that when you get married, you are not marry just the woman, but also her family and culture. So Should keep open mind of their culture as western world has one way of thinking how a marriage" should be, vs what it is like in other countries. What is "right/wrong" is heavily influenced by the local culture. Such as the in laws working culture, that is how it is in alot of asian countries, where men are perceive as bread winner (even though women dont want to admit it, but they want it that way too), and their job is go out and earn money and provide the comfort for teh family. Lots of men just have to tough out. And alot of children, they never understand or appreciate their parents until much much older life. This is just the norm of Asian culture. It's not "right" in our western culture, but it is just how it is in Asian cultures.
it is full blown out of control over here in the west....here in Canada......the "softness" of males is increasing on a daily basis......
Started a long time ago with the S.N.A.G thing. Takes a generation to get to this.
So where can we find single japanese women ? Is there a site or have another way ? Would love to come and live in Japan as soon as possible x😢😢!!
You find them in Japan.
Start studying the language.
Definitely feels like Western men have become weaker and more effeminate in recent years. I think other countries/peoples have perceived this (Russia/China/Middle East) and are increasingly not afraid of the West anymore.
I am one of those "If I am attracted to you, that IS the red flag" people. 😅 I have dated most of the avoids you listed. I can confirm you speak the truth. 🫠