To the DAs doing the real work to heal: you're doing the lord's work (so to speak). Keep chugging and we'll all meet on the other side as secure people!
As a recovering DA myself letting go of shame and negative core beliefs are helpful for my healing, Parts Theory or Internal Family Systems therapy was a HUGE help!!
As a recovering DA, it’s challenging firstly to accept what one’s doing but when the pain of not having satisfying relationships helps to be humble and take ownership to understand and it’s also very empowering to understand that we have the ability to change once we accept and understand what’s really going on. Step by step, we each have our unique paths and enjoying the process of becoming more is very exciting for me.
sounds awesome good job iam a previous AP inclining to be secure now. the avoidant helped me build my self esteem because i had a bad one and so do they so quite similar. But us being close made me need to be confident and secure to survive not becoming my deep insecurities and low self esteem. So iam grateful for that. I think DA have so many insecurities as do AP , one they build their sense of self to feel good about who they are in all areas like emotional management, boundaries and accepting ourself fully and improving where i need to.
So sweet. Now how do I send this video to my DA to offer it as a ressource, without stepping into the shame-trap of her assuming that that must mean, something's wrong with her, hating me for it and just getting lost for 3 months? 😬
As with dissmive avodiant style geyting touch with feelings is hard beacuse the fear is when you let some one get too close they are gonna destroy you every way possible. I had experienced this with women they will cheat and leave you like you was nothing no matter how much you invested into them
The point about having needs from others and fear of setting small boundries was bang on! Also getting in touch with your feelings is a game changer especially using the somatic tools provided by PDS!!
Thank you so much! Mining season is on in bc now so i do not have as much time as i would like to be here and learn right now. Your videos have helped me so much the last while, got my unsafe wound figured out finally. Realizing you are nothing more than an object to be used by your biological mother was not a fun pill to eat at 43 years old. Super happy at this point in life that i went out and built a relationship with my biological father and his wife, seeing the difference in how people treat you is sure an eye opener in life! Keep it up Thais, you are doing something amazing for people here!
The DA I've been dating for 7 months asked for space. I thought he was healing and was making a spot for me in his life. He's shared vulerable stories of his past with me and was getting better about expressing his emotions. Then out of nowhere - I need space. It's day 4 since I've heard from him.
I'd be careful with this one. Sometimes, it isn't an avoidance issue. Sometimes, it's just a person feeling lonely or wanting romantic attention, and attracting people with no real intention of a serious relationship. Especially as a divorced man, I get impatient sometimes to meet a woman I am sure I absolutely want. I can tell you that there is a lot of temptation for me to just go around attracting women that I consider beautiful that I'm not truly feeling it for just to meet my romantic wants. Then I would end up doing similar things as the man you're dating is doing, like trying to get space. Yet, I wouldn't want space from a woman I absolutely know I want. It's a hard temptation to resist, but giving in to that means I break hearts, which I won't do. Anyway, it's just something to look out for in behaviors like wanting a ridiculous amount of time away from you. That's a red flag for that type of thing. You don't want to waste your time on someone willing to jerk you around. I've seen my mom waste time on a man like this for 20 years, only to be abandoned. He wanted his ridiculously long "breaks" from her throughout their relationship also.
What’s really trippy, is that DAs either don’t know their part in the issues or they really don’t care. But you never know which it is unless they tell you. Good luck with that 😂. I hope everybody in a relationship with a DA can help them understand why they, the DA, need therapy. As an FA, it’s really hard to and heartbreaking to see how shut off our partners can get. But we can find strength in ourselves and hold on for them. Just keep encouraging them to go to therapy and keep reminding them that they are safe with you. Easier said than done, but hey, if you choose this life, be all in.
I'm very very bias here, I believe most DAs if they knew, and truly understood what being a DA sounds like and feels like. They would be like "Oh shit how do you know this dark part of me so well". Its like being read like a book by a stranger. And I think a lot of DA have an ego, so to know "Oh shit I can get better" is always a driving force. The weakness with us is to not take that as a "You're saying I'm bad. You hate me. You're going to leave me. I try so hard. Ect 😅😅. I really do appreciate your perspective because it is hard to be with us, we do hurt a lot of people. AND we truly don't want to be this way. WE truly feel that there is something wrong with us that we cant fix. A core belief we have is that "I'm a defective person and I cant fix it". Its so scary to realize you can, because then you realize you didn't need to hurt those people if you knew the monsters name.
I have a question, I used to be AP but now I'm SA, I'm pretty sure my partner falls into the DA spectrum? When we met, he spent months breadcrumbing me, pulling away for days or weeks at a time every time the conversations got too intimate. I didn't understand. One day he came back confessing his feelings for me, but said he was not ready for a relationship. I told him that we could stay friends, I had no issue with that, but he was the one who initiated putting a label so I was like ok... let's try. I have noticed the pattern much clearer since then... he's now been deactivated for a week after we spent an entire night (5h) chatting non stop, he prioritized me over work and that meant a lot. He scheduled for us to make a video call next day...but flaked on me by completely ignoring me, he watches my stories but haven't heard from him since. I sent him a text saying that that hurt me, but that I understand if he needs space. I know he'll be back, but...when he does... How should I tell him that I think he's a DA? (Sorry for the long backstory)
Do DAs want to heal usually? I feel like 90% of the audience for books, videos, podcasts etc about attachment theory are anxiously attached people trying to figure out how to heal because that's by definition part of who they are. But it's so rare to see anyone with DA going out of their way to do a ton of relationship healing work because by definition that's not really what DAs prioritize.
That’s correct, DAs are the least likely to do the healing work generally bc of their developmental history, resulting in their specific core wounds, which they then in turn developed unhealthy coping mechanisms; which they have taken into their adult lives. They don’t have anything to compare in terms of healthy emotional relationships from their childhood so most often they aren’t even aware that their is a healthy emotional alternative. They believe everyone operates as an island, as a way to describe it. No one is dependent on others for anything, especially emotionally. All are out for self.
I identify as a DA who is predominantly secure. I assume what it is I am about to say is going to come off as extremely nuanced, but here it goes. It isn’t about desire or being against healing and growing emotionally, most DAs I believe and myself included, aren’t consciously aware of our emotional avoidance. Hence why I would guess DAs participate the least compared to the other attachment styles when it comes to engaging in the community and by a large margin. I believe that is because a majority of DAs are emotional utilitarians, we subconsciously only engage emotionally to the point that is sufficiently enough to accomplish a desired goal, which most often is practical in nature. As a DA, and I’m sure other DAs would share with me in this sentiment, I have a quarrel with the way “Needs” is used or emphasized in the community, it’s mostly pertaining to “emotional needs” ( there’s obviously needs other than emotional, DAs subconsciously or by deliberate desire focus on those other needs, hence why we’re DAs, duh ) which from my view the degree of depth and intensity required or deemed healthy in regards to an emotional connection is very subjective and varies greatly from individual to individual, because of this, when other attachment styles communicate their emotional needs to a DAs, we often can’t/don’t comprehend the need for the requested emotional depth, hence way we can easily come to like feel our boundaries are being crossed especially when coerced to reciprocate feeling to a degree or capacity that isn’t intrinsic to our requirements, this makes us feel unauthentic, which leads us to becoming incongruent followed by cognitive dissonance, in the end which causes us to become resentful of the person who we identify as the source of this confusion, and ya’ll know what comes next when dealing with a DA. I’m sorry I have no constructive answers to suggest that would improve on this emotional discrepancy, I’m a DA, I don’t feel that deep to discover one 😂 just sharing what I’ve experienced and think.
@@jonschooley8951 That's a good answer, especially the being coerced to reciprocate feeling part. It certainly feels like that to me, like I'm being emotionally blackmailed into acting like I love someone because they love me and are going to be sad if I don't reciprocate. URRRRRRRRGH. Now for my answer^^° Even if you're self-aware, healing requires nothing less than doing a shitton of really uncomfortable work in order to achieve something that also makes you uncomfortable and that you've been doing without for most of your life. Bit of a hard sell, to put it mildly.
One of my questions is that I feel I do have traits of an avoidant personality however perceived my parents as being secure. Later on at school is likely where core wounds developed , if that’s so is it still possible to have an avoidant attachment style?
I don't no whether I'm an AP or a DA, i did the test and it says I'm an anxious attachment, i text my partner and sometimes i don't get a reply or they leave me on read, so i don't text them an if a day or three go by i get a text saying is everything ok i haven't heard from you 😦 I'm like sure you didn't reply to my last message. Its like they've pulled away an there saying well I'm not running after you. Im confused
Who has time for this this is something that they do it just upsets your nervous system I had to let it go because this was happening to much and I am secure was together 2 years. So I wasted time thinking it would get better I tell you if they don't do the work you will be heart broken I'm still trying to heal never again.
@Shelia Smith I feel like it's me though, thats hurting them, it's like I look to spend time with them an they say they're busy I ask when are they available an they say I'll let you know an then they never tell me..! Be lucky to see them once ever 4 or 6 weeks, but it wasn't like that in the beginning 😪 what did I do.!
@@walsh007 Why do you feel like you are hurting them? Everything you are describing sounds like giving and not receiving. If they don't reply to you then it is nonsensical for them to say "I havent heard from you" it's just pure illogical. It's also perfectly fine for them not to hear from you and to reach out when they want to. I don't know what your situation is but try not to let your head get messed up by confusing communication
Bro you might just be a bad texter cause your phone makes you anxious, i’m a secure/ap and this is exactly the dynamic I have with my phone as well. It’s gotten better but i still hate checking my phone out of fear i’ll see something (a text, work email, annoying social media notification) that’ll cause conflict then emotional de-regulate me.
Hi Mary. Thais explains that DAs value comfort & support, and what they really need in themselves is to feel safe expressing themselves, which I believe they have to do, not their partner. What do you think?
Of course, trying to communicate these things to others is highly dependent on their own attachment style... and for myself, going from FA to SA and trying to ever communicate boundaries and needs to avoidants just more often than not feels like setting myself on fire to keep them warm. Not allowed to communicate needs because they think they're not good enough, not allowed to communicate boundaries because they want to steamroll them at will, you get angry it's bad, you show patience and vulnerability they ghost. Nice words, angry words, reassurance, it's just never enough. Of course, not all DAs, but yeah, some people are pretty good at undoing years of therapy even if you try and give them everything they need to feel safe and loved. The idea that communicating needs = needy sucks, and it is so obvious people think that way when their comfort zone involves partners or friends who never advocate for themselves.
Question : if you try to apologize (way later) about something not really great you’ve done partly due to poor communication does it make them discard you ? I mean Does apologizing is something they’ll will use against you ?
To the DAs doing the real work to heal: you're doing the lord's work (so to speak). Keep chugging and we'll all meet on the other side as secure people!
Yes! You all can do this ❤
1. Recondition old Core Wounds
2. Getting in touch with feelings
3. Learning Needs
4. Learning healthy boundaries
5. Learn to communicate
6. Update to healthier behaviors
Here in 2025 ❤ I’ve accepted that I’ve been dealing with this majority of my life. Doing the work to get to the other side of this ❤
As a recovering DA myself letting go of shame and negative core beliefs are helpful for my healing, Parts Theory or Internal Family Systems therapy was a HUGE help!!
Great to hear! Thanks for sharing ❤
Can you explain to me about feeling shame?
What are parts theory and internal family therapy?
As a recovering DA, it’s challenging firstly to accept what one’s doing but when the pain of not having satisfying relationships helps to be humble and take ownership to understand and it’s also very empowering to understand that we have the ability to change once we accept and understand what’s really going on. Step by step, we each have our unique paths and enjoying the process of becoming more is very exciting for me.
sounds awesome good job iam a previous AP inclining to be secure now. the avoidant helped me build my self esteem because i had a bad one and so do they so quite similar. But us being close made me need to be confident and secure to survive not becoming my deep insecurities and low self esteem. So iam grateful for that. I think DA have so many insecurities as do AP , one they build their sense of self to feel good about who they are in all areas like emotional management, boundaries and accepting ourself fully and improving where i need to.
Thank you to the entire team at PDS for this life changing content. I appreciate you and im sure many more do too❤
So sweet. Now how do I send this video to my DA to offer it as a ressource, without stepping into the shame-trap of her assuming that that must mean, something's wrong with her, hating me for it and just getting lost for 3 months? 😬
As with dissmive avodiant style geyting touch with feelings is hard beacuse the fear is when you let some one get too close they are gonna destroy you every way possible. I had experienced this with women they will cheat and leave you like you was nothing no matter how much you invested into them
It is intersting. Thats exactly what DA use to do with their partners
The point about having needs from others and fear of setting small boundries was bang on! Also getting in touch with your feelings is a game changer especially using the somatic tools provided by PDS!!
Thanks for sharing San! ❤
Thank you so much! Mining season is on in bc now so i do not have as much time as i would like to be here and learn right now. Your videos have helped me so much the last while, got my unsafe wound figured out finally. Realizing you are nothing more than an object to be used by your biological mother was not a fun pill to eat at 43 years old. Super happy at this point in life that i went out and built a relationship with my biological father and his wife, seeing the difference in how people treat you is sure an eye opener in life! Keep it up Thais, you are doing something amazing for people here!
The DA I've been dating for 7 months asked for space. I thought he was healing and was making a spot for me in his life. He's shared vulerable stories of his past with me and was getting better about expressing his emotions. Then out of nowhere - I need space. It's day 4 since I've heard from him.
I'd be careful with this one. Sometimes, it isn't an avoidance issue. Sometimes, it's just a person feeling lonely or wanting romantic attention, and attracting people with no real intention of a serious relationship.
Especially as a divorced man, I get impatient sometimes to meet a woman I am sure I absolutely want. I can tell you that there is a lot of temptation for me to just go around attracting women that I consider beautiful that I'm not truly feeling it for just to meet my romantic wants. Then I would end up doing similar things as the man you're dating is doing, like trying to get space. Yet, I wouldn't want space from a woman I absolutely know I want.
It's a hard temptation to resist, but giving in to that means I break hearts, which I won't do. Anyway, it's just something to look out for in behaviors like wanting a ridiculous amount of time away from you. That's a red flag for that type of thing. You don't want to waste your time on someone willing to jerk you around. I've seen my mom waste time on a man like this for 20 years, only to be abandoned. He wanted his ridiculously long "breaks" from her throughout their relationship also.
Being DA doesn not make you insensitive to this degree. You might want to rethink some things about this person.
Yes they need a whole lot of space this happened to me so guess what I gave it to for life I'm done I'm to good of a woman for that.
DAs are a waste of time. Just drop him and find a guy that is actually capable of love.
@@SomeGuy-gi2ip terrible advice
What’s really trippy, is that DAs either don’t know their part in the issues or they really don’t care. But you never know which it is unless they tell you. Good luck with that 😂. I hope everybody in a relationship with a DA can help them understand why they, the DA, need therapy. As an FA, it’s really hard to and heartbreaking to see how shut off our partners can get. But we can find strength in ourselves and hold on for them. Just keep encouraging them to go to therapy and keep reminding them that they are safe with you. Easier said than done, but hey, if you choose this life, be all in.
I'm very very bias here, I believe most DAs if they knew, and truly understood what being a DA sounds like and feels like. They would be like "Oh shit how do you know this dark part of me so well". Its like being read like a book by a stranger. And I think a lot of DA have an ego, so to know "Oh shit I can get better" is always a driving force. The weakness with us is to not take that as a "You're saying I'm bad. You hate me. You're going to leave me. I try so hard. Ect 😅😅.
I really do appreciate your perspective because it is hard to be with us, we do hurt a lot of people. AND we truly don't want to be this way. WE truly feel that there is something wrong with us that we cant fix. A core belief we have is that "I'm a defective person and I cant fix it". Its so scary to realize you can, because then you realize you didn't need to hurt those people if you knew the monsters name.
I have a question, I used to be AP but now I'm SA, I'm pretty sure my partner falls into the DA spectrum?
When we met, he spent months breadcrumbing me, pulling away for days or weeks at a time every time the conversations got too intimate. I didn't understand.
One day he came back confessing his feelings for me, but said he was not ready for a relationship. I told him that we could stay friends, I had no issue with that, but he was the one who initiated putting a label so I was like ok... let's try.
I have noticed the pattern much clearer since then... he's now been deactivated for a week after we spent an entire night (5h) chatting non stop, he prioritized me over work and that meant a lot. He scheduled for us to make a video call next day...but flaked on me by completely ignoring me, he watches my stories but haven't heard from him since.
I sent him a text saying that that hurt me, but that I understand if he needs space. I know he'll be back, but...when he does... How should I tell him that I think he's a DA?
(Sorry for the long backstory)
life hack: just listen to PDS videos as a self-soothing creature comfort
❤
It really helps me when I'm disregulated
Thank you so much.
❤
Do DAs want to heal usually? I feel like 90% of the audience for books, videos, podcasts etc about attachment theory are anxiously attached people trying to figure out how to heal because that's by definition part of who they are. But it's so rare to see anyone with DA going out of their way to do a ton of relationship healing work because by definition that's not really what DAs prioritize.
That’s correct, DAs are the least likely to do the healing work generally bc of their developmental history, resulting in their specific core wounds, which they then in turn developed unhealthy coping mechanisms; which they have taken into their adult lives.
They don’t have anything to compare in terms of healthy emotional relationships from their childhood so most often they aren’t even aware that their is a healthy emotional alternative. They believe everyone operates as an island, as a way to describe it. No one is dependent on others for anything, especially emotionally. All are out for self.
I wanna say yea cause thats what I am but I can only represent myself.
@@gmiller8167very accurate
I identify as a DA who is predominantly secure. I assume what it is I am about to say is going to come off as extremely nuanced, but here it goes. It isn’t about desire or being against healing and growing emotionally, most DAs I believe and myself included, aren’t consciously aware of our emotional avoidance. Hence why I would guess DAs participate the least compared to the other attachment styles when it comes to engaging in the community and by a large margin. I believe that is because a majority of DAs are emotional utilitarians, we subconsciously only engage emotionally to the point that is sufficiently enough to accomplish a desired goal, which most often is practical in nature. As a DA, and I’m sure other DAs would share with me in this sentiment, I have a quarrel with the way “Needs” is used or emphasized in the community, it’s mostly pertaining to “emotional needs” ( there’s obviously needs other than emotional, DAs subconsciously or by deliberate desire focus on those other needs, hence why we’re DAs, duh ) which from my view the degree of depth and intensity required or deemed healthy in regards to an emotional connection is very subjective and varies greatly from individual to individual, because of this, when other attachment styles communicate their emotional needs to a DAs, we often can’t/don’t comprehend the need for the requested emotional depth, hence way we can easily come to like feel our boundaries are being crossed especially when coerced to reciprocate feeling to a degree or capacity that isn’t intrinsic to our requirements, this makes us feel unauthentic, which leads us to becoming incongruent followed by cognitive dissonance, in the end which causes us to become resentful of the person who we identify as the source of this confusion, and ya’ll know what comes next when dealing with a DA.
I’m sorry I have no constructive answers to suggest that would improve on this emotional discrepancy, I’m a DA, I don’t feel that deep to discover one 😂 just sharing what I’ve experienced and think.
@@jonschooley8951 That's a good answer, especially the being coerced to reciprocate feeling part. It certainly feels like that to me, like I'm being emotionally blackmailed into acting like I love someone because they love me and are going to be sad if I don't reciprocate. URRRRRRRRGH.
Now for my answer^^° Even if you're self-aware, healing requires nothing less than doing a shitton of really uncomfortable work in order to achieve something that also makes you uncomfortable and that you've been doing without for most of your life. Bit of a hard sell, to put it mildly.
One of my questions is that I feel I do have traits of an avoidant personality however perceived my parents as being secure. Later on at school is likely where core wounds developed , if that’s so is it still possible to have an avoidant attachment style?
I don't no whether I'm an AP or a DA, i did the test and it says I'm an anxious attachment, i text my partner and sometimes i don't get a reply or they leave me on read, so i don't text them an if a day or three go by i get a text saying is everything ok i haven't heard from you 😦 I'm like sure you didn't reply to my last message. Its like they've pulled away an there saying well I'm not running after you. Im confused
Who has time for this this is something that they do it just upsets your nervous system I had to let it go because this was happening to much and I am secure was together 2 years. So I wasted time thinking it would get better I tell you if they don't do the work you will be heart broken I'm still trying to heal never again.
@Shelia Smith I feel like it's me though, thats hurting them, it's like I look to spend time with them an they say they're busy I ask when are they available an they say I'll let you know an then they never tell me..! Be lucky to see them once ever 4 or 6 weeks, but it wasn't like that in the beginning 😪 what did I do.!
@@walsh007 Why do you feel like you are hurting them? Everything you are describing sounds like giving and not receiving. If they don't reply to you then it is nonsensical for them to say "I havent heard from you" it's just pure illogical. It's also perfectly fine for them not to hear from you and to reach out when they want to. I don't know what your situation is but try not to let your head get messed up by confusing communication
Bro you might just be a bad texter cause your phone makes you anxious, i’m a secure/ap and this is exactly the dynamic I have with my phone as well. It’s gotten better but i still hate checking my phone out of fear i’ll see something (a text, work email, annoying social media notification) that’ll cause conflict then emotional de-regulate me.
What are some needs DAs have from other people that you see the most? Stuff partners of DAs could try if their DA struggle to find on their own
Hi Mary. Thais explains that DAs value comfort & support, and what they really need in themselves is to feel safe expressing themselves, which I believe they have to do, not their partner.
What do you think?
th-cam.com/video/QLlTtEOVI_c/w-d-xo.html
Of course, trying to communicate these things to others is highly dependent on their own attachment style... and for myself, going from FA to SA and trying to ever communicate boundaries and needs to avoidants just more often than not feels like setting myself on fire to keep them warm. Not allowed to communicate needs because they think they're not good enough, not allowed to communicate boundaries because they want to steamroll them at will, you get angry it's bad, you show patience and vulnerability they ghost. Nice words, angry words, reassurance, it's just never enough. Of course, not all DAs, but yeah, some people are pretty good at undoing years of therapy even if you try and give them everything they need to feel safe and loved. The idea that communicating needs = needy sucks, and it is so obvious people think that way when their comfort zone involves partners or friends who never advocate for themselves.
But they have to become self aware and figure it out on their own 😢
Yes, can’t do the work until becoming self aware.
Yes! If we point it out, it's game over.
Question : if you try to apologize (way later) about something not really great you’ve done partly due to poor communication does it make them discard you ? I mean Does apologizing is something they’ll will use against you ?
Clinical boundaries are just more walls
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Just get a dog ; problem solved. You really don't need the human drama anyway. Woof
😂😂😂😂