I think that as adults, we often fail in relationships because we don't really know how to be in a relationship; we just observed our parents without considering that relationships can be better. And so, from generation to generation, we repeat the same mistakes. You presented these descriptions and solutions nicely. I think that these antidotes may be different for everyone, but you included the very foundation.
I like to think of the difference between criticism and contempt as internal vs external venom; Criticism is external - the verbal acid that slowly destroys a person. Contempt is internal - resentment, loss of respect, and devaluing a person (this is the last nail in the coffin). Similarly, defensiveness is external: verbally creating barriers to addressing any of your issues; whilst stonewalling is internal, the silent treatment, the silent internal wall that ignores all issues slowly corroding the relationship.
Absolutely excellent explanation of the four horsemen and the antidotes!!! You have a gift for teaching! I understand it much better the way you explained it. Thank you so much! This information is vital for peace and happiness in this world! And it can help us all to become more self aware. I’ve been practicing this in all my relationships and I have noticed how much it helps when I use a gentle start up when I have to say something about a situation I don’t like. It seems to help when interacting with people with emotional problems too. Have you had success communicating with people with NPD or narcissistic traits using the four horsemen antidotes?
Thank you for your kind words Angela. I do agree the antidotes work with all relationships. I haven’t knowingly used the antidotes on anyone with NPD. Take care, Teresa.
I feel like the stonewalling began all the trouble. My husband can see anything I say as criticism. I once told him that I felt like our marriage was healthier than it had ever been, and expressed that my resentment of a painful miscommunication we'd had early on was completely gone. I smiled at him with relief. And he said, "we're talking about our relationship? I'd say that the biggest problem is ...." And he walked away. I was so confused. He thought that I was trying to fight with him, maybe because I said it was better, which means that it hasn't been perfect, which is an attack? I guess?
I agree with you 1000 percent! We have all 4 horseman in our relationship now, in spades! It wasn't always that way, but now after 3 decades of my husband trying to push our relationship problems under a carpet and doing his best to ignore me, we now have a carpet that is practically sliding across the floor by itself with all the yucky, hidden creatures he has pushed there as fast as possible over the years. My criticisms grew and he matched them equally with defensiveness and little was ever really resolved with positivity (5 to 1) or appreciation. Criticism grew to contempt and defensiveness and stonewalling worked together to build a massive wall between us...and while I have since seen the error my ways and worked really hard to try to approach him differently, the wall is now built so high that I don't know if I will ever be able to breach it. I am sorry that your husband couldn't recognize or understand what a beautiful, connecting sentiment you were trying to share...😢
Today, my wife told me that she wished for a divorce. Unfortunately, my marriage was doomed from the start. I could only express the behaviours demonstrated by my parents in their own failed marriage. I wish I had found the work of Gottman sooner. The Four Horsemen reflect what I had experienced. My wife has stated she still loves me but that reconciliation will not be possible. I have broken her.
I'm curious however, when a partners expectations are very high and not obtainable how would you discuss this without it sounding defensive? If a partner continues to ask if you have completed tasks and you literally haven't had the time, how would you phrase this so you don't put the onus on the partner? Obviously a great deal of work and research has been put in to the Gottmans' work and studies show its effectiveness. I'm just having a hard time connecting theory and reality. If both members of the couple are staying away from the four horseman and working towards treating each other with respect, I do see how this would work. However, if one partner was the only one trying to adhere to this I could see it becoming abusive.
Thanks for your comment CaseLynn. I usually use the Gottman model with couples so you can both become aware of the unhelpful behaviours and learn the antidotes together. If you're on the receiving end of contempt you may want to work with a psychological therapist to decide how to move forward. Best wishes, Teresa.
What if you are called the most horrible things after you've told them how much it hurts, and you choose to just leave as you, from past relationships also just can't and won't except that, they too have had hard past relationship. And then yet still miss them as things mostly are wonderful
Overall, fantastic video. Other things to do is stop using the word "but" and replace it with "and" or "yet". However is a fancy but so also rid that word. Another word to rid is "should" as it is meant to manipulate. Replace it with "supposed to" or "meant to". Finally, rid of the phrase or word "get".... I'll get X to call you. That means if they don't want to, you'll manipulate them to do it. Instead, I'll ask them to call you. I didn't mean to get you angry, replace with...I'm sorry to have had you feel angry. Similar to "make".....we cant make anyone feel or do anything.....it is ultimately the other person's choice.
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I think that as adults, we often fail in relationships because we don't really know how to be in a relationship; we just observed our parents without considering that relationships can be better. And so, from generation to generation, we repeat the same mistakes. You presented these descriptions and solutions nicely. I think that these antidotes may be different for everyone, but you included the very foundation.
Wise words, thanks for sharing. Best wishes, Teresa.
I like to think of the difference between criticism and contempt as internal vs external venom; Criticism is external - the verbal acid that slowly destroys a person. Contempt is internal - resentment, loss of respect, and devaluing a person (this is the last nail in the coffin). Similarly, defensiveness is external: verbally creating barriers to addressing any of your issues; whilst stonewalling is internal, the silent treatment, the silent internal wall that ignores all issues slowly corroding the relationship.
Best explanation that I understand. Thank you so much?
Thank you so much. Best wishes, Teresa.
Thanks for the presentation. Very useful for my inner dialog as well
Thanks for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.
I think you really have the gift of explaining things in such a way they resonate with me immediately.
One viewer at a time you make a better world
That’s really great to hear, thank you. Wishing you well, Teresa
This is really interesting, you often read about the four horsemen but you don't often read the antidotes!
Thank you Susan.
Wonderfully explained. Needed this❤
Glad it was helpful! Best wishes, Teresa.
this was so insightful! thank you.
Clear explanation on the Four Horsemen and provide helpful antidotes. Thank you so much 😊
Thank you.
This was so well explained, thank you!
Thank you Zara.
Thanks for sharing so calmly and clearly.
Very helpful! Thank you!
Great explanation. Thank you!
Thanks for including the antidotes!
Very clear, thank you!
Absolutely excellent explanation of the four horsemen and the antidotes!!! You have a gift for teaching! I understand it much better the way you explained it. Thank you so much! This information is vital for peace and happiness in this world! And it can help us all to become more self aware. I’ve been practicing this in all my relationships and I have noticed how much it helps when I use a gentle start up when I have to say something about a situation I don’t like. It seems to help when interacting with people with emotional problems too. Have you had success communicating with people with NPD or narcissistic traits using the four horsemen antidotes?
Thank you for your kind words Angela. I do agree the antidotes work with all relationships. I haven’t knowingly used the antidotes on anyone with NPD. Take care, Teresa.
Great video thanks for spending the time to create and post
Thanks for your support Richard. Best wishes, Teresa.
Makes a lot of sense. Am I the only one that is distracted by the figure on the shelf. It looks like a Buddha statue.
I feel like the stonewalling began all the trouble. My husband can see anything I say as criticism. I once told him that I felt like our marriage was healthier than it had ever been, and expressed that my resentment of a painful miscommunication we'd had early on was completely gone. I smiled at him with relief. And he said, "we're talking about our relationship? I'd say that the biggest problem is ...." And he walked away.
I was so confused. He thought that I was trying to fight with him, maybe because I said it was better, which means that it hasn't been perfect, which is an attack? I guess?
I'm so sorry to hear about that. It sounds like you have a lot of insights into the relationship dynamics. Best wishes, Teresa.
I agree with you 1000 percent! We have all 4 horseman in our relationship now, in spades! It wasn't always that way, but now after 3 decades of my husband trying to push our relationship problems under a carpet and doing his best to ignore me, we now have a carpet that is practically sliding across the floor by itself with all the yucky, hidden creatures he has pushed there as fast as possible over the years. My criticisms grew and he matched them equally with defensiveness and little was ever really resolved with positivity (5 to 1) or appreciation. Criticism grew to contempt and defensiveness and stonewalling worked together to build a massive wall between us...and while I have since seen the error my ways and worked really hard to try to approach him differently, the wall is now built so high that I don't know if I will ever be able to breach it.
I am sorry that your husband couldn't recognize or understand what a beautiful, connecting sentiment you were trying to share...😢
Thank you for sharing
Love this
Today, my wife told me that she wished for a divorce. Unfortunately, my marriage was doomed from the start. I could only express the behaviours demonstrated by my parents in their own failed marriage.
I wish I had found the work of Gottman sooner. The Four Horsemen reflect what I had experienced. My wife has stated she still loves me but that reconciliation will not be possible. I have broken her.
Beautifully done.
I'm curious however, when a partners expectations are very high and not obtainable how would you discuss this without it sounding defensive? If a partner continues to ask if you have completed tasks and you literally haven't had the time, how would you phrase this so you don't put the onus on the partner? Obviously a great deal of work and research has been put in to the Gottmans' work and studies show its effectiveness. I'm just having a hard time connecting theory and reality. If both members of the couple are staying away from the four horseman and working towards treating each other with respect, I do see how this would work. However, if one partner was the only one trying to adhere to this I could see it becoming abusive.
Good question. I have three additional Gottman videos and they will be able to answer your question in detail. Best wishes, Teresa.
So this is very beneficial and helpful but what if you’re on the receiving end of contempt?
Thanks for your comment CaseLynn. I usually use the Gottman model with couples so you can both become aware of the unhelpful behaviours and learn the antidotes together. If you're on the receiving end of contempt you may want to work with a psychological therapist to decide how to move forward. Best wishes, Teresa.
What if you are called the most horrible things after you've told them how much it hurts, and you choose to just leave as you, from past relationships also just can't and won't except that, they too have had hard past relationship. And then yet still miss them as things mostly are wonderful
It’s not clear cut do I would recommend psychological therapy. Best wishes, Teresa.
Stonewalling is also a sign of Narcissistic behaviour
Overall, fantastic video.
Other things to do is stop using the word "but" and replace it with "and" or "yet". However is a fancy but so also rid that word. Another word to rid is "should" as it is meant to manipulate. Replace it with "supposed to" or "meant to". Finally, rid of the phrase or word "get".... I'll get X to call you. That means if they don't want to, you'll manipulate them to do it. Instead, I'll ask them to call you. I didn't mean to get you angry, replace with...I'm sorry to have had you feel angry. Similar to "make".....we cant make anyone feel or do anything.....it is ultimately the other person's choice.
So what happens when you take responsibility for not “calling Phil about dinner” and she still attacks you?
You need to work on this together which means both partners taking responsibility. Couple counselling is always helpful. Best wishes, Teresa.
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