I can not tell you how perfectly this explains my toxic behavior during my first marriage. I mean SPOT ON. Thank God for years of therapy. Amazing content as usual Thais- thank you!
People can say what they want. But continuously threatening to end a relationship, constantly breaking up, is abusive. It’s psychologically and emotionally abusive.
It’s pointless to communicate your needs when your partner isn’t really going to care to listen or even try to fulfill them. He just dismisses you and gets defensive.
I am an FA and literally everything makes me believe that the only solution is to leave. I feel like I'm saving myself and saving them from me. It honestly seems to be the only reasonable solution.
I think all DA's are some type of hybrid fcked up Narcissist. If your that afraid of relationships then stay out of them and stop setting people up for heartbreak! If you wanna stick your head in the sand and live like a coward for the rest of your life that is your prerogative to do so but leave healthy mature people alone!
I'm sorry you suffer feeling that way. It has to be really hard to overcome that and reconcile it with knowing that it's probably not what the partner wants and feeling guilt about it. I'm falling for an FA right now, and I don't know if I'm more worried about him abandoning me (I'm AP) or about him staying but carrying ongoing worry and guilt in himself about whether he's somehow wrong for me. I don't want him to have to endure that feeling. :( It sounds like an incredibly painful internal conflict to deal with. I'm sorry you experience that and I'm glad you at least have the power to recognize it and put those feelings into words.
Just know that even if an FA leaves, it's probably not because they wanted to leave you. As backwards as it is it's more likely that they actually want you so much that it scares them. I am terrified truly at the thought of being a disappointment to someone that needs me to love them. I have always felt that I was viewed as being a disappointment and I hate that feeling. Idk what to do to make sure I'm not disappointing someone other than to leave them alone so that they can be in a normal relationship with a normal person. I feel like I'm obligated to please everyone and do what's best for everyone else and sometimes that means letting them go. It sounds like a pity party, but I really never feel bad for myself, only the people that I may have unintentionally hurt.
@@NoName-nj4mw Damn. You described my feelings exactly. I separated from the person I loved the most, and still have very strong feelings for 5 years later, because I always felt in my hearts of hearts that they deserved a better partner than me. They've immediately gotten into the next relationship, and have been dating that person for 4 years, most of those years - unhappy. I was so frustrated when I have learned that:)) I had the most ridiculous, desperately sad thoughts along the lines of: I had to let you go, for you to find _this_ person? I would have made you so much happier, I cared so much more about you, I had so much more to give. But I was so sure I wouldn't be enough, and felt compelled to do it.
This is so spot on. As a FA, a big thing I struggle with is assuming my partner will get sick of me and it's like I'm just beating them to the punch and leaving before they get the chance. l still have SO MUCH work to do but these videos are so helpful to me learning more about myself.
@@loria287 it’s the hot and cold emotional swings even in the course of a day and also the trust issues and hyper sensitivity to any perceived lack of honesty. I told her something from my past and we got into a quarrel because she thought I was hiding it from her by not telling her earlier. Honestly it never occurred to me that it was important enough that it needed to be disclosed. I hope the relationship lasts but really I’m mentally prepared for the possibility that she will show me the door at some point like all the other guys.
@@kevinarchibald8390 wow, sounds like you dodged a bullet. Ironically, her behavior has made me more guarded about sharing things from my past with her. We’ll see. 😬
YES! This is all spot on. Thank you! It’s such a light bulb moment when, as an FA, you realize that the other person really does care about you and your behavior and that what you do and say affects them. We get so focused on protecting ourselves from getting hurt, we don’t notice when we hurt someone else because we don’t feel like it’s possible
Sooooo accurate, as always. The paranoia about "boredom" being a case of projection, and the inner turmoil of the FA paradox of novelty seeking and extreme loyalty is especially dead-on. Since doing the attachment style work I have also realized that some FAs may also have a fear of their partners getting "bored" of them because they had a self-absorbed/impulsive/neglectful parent (or two) who would engage with them only when they had nothing "better" to do, but then would then drop them whenever someone more "interesting" (e.g. a new partner or a new baby) came along.
By the way, to FAs that are having difficulty understanding why they have such a hard time moving on from relationships- even ones they ended, Heidi Priebe did an in-depth video specifically on this subject on her channel. I highly recommend her videos on attachment as well, particularly for FAs because they're so specific, as well as her videos on attachment and the "drama triangle."
I was with an FA for two years and then she sabotaged the relationship by stonewalling and cheating on me. I only found out about the cheating from her best friend. I tortured myself trying to figure out her behavior until I did a deep dive into attachment styles. I also resolved in my mind that I will never get any explanation or apology from this woman. I’m so glad that I didn’t get into a marriage with this person. Thank God for unanswered prayer sometimes. I no longer have any feelings one way or another toward her. I do pray that God will open her eyes to what’s going on deep down inside and that she will seek help and solutions as to why she behaves the way she does in relationships.
As an AP, I was utterly traumatized by the constant breakup threats from my FA ex. We dated 3 years long distance. She broke up with me once after 2 years for a month and then again 10 months later. The distance didnt help at all. Its been 2 weeks since we last spoke and I tried so hard for this girl. I gave up myself and sacrificed to try and give her the love she couldn't give herself. I feel like I failed and it's heartbraking. I recognize my attachment issues and have begun working on them. Whether she comes back or not, I need to focus on myself and heal.
Dated an FA for 3 years. 6 break ups ranging between a couple hours to a whole year each. Now almost 10 months separated again. She’s an amazing person i hoped to keep for the rest of my life. Miss her everyday but we keep moving. Thanks for the videos Thais ❤ knowledge is always empowering.
I love that no matter what you love her and don't seem to want to give up on her. 💗 I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday.. We're both FA's. It's clear that our nervous systems are just destroyed and she's always trying to break up and run just as much as I do. On the outside, it's so clear that her fiance adores her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and she feels the same, but she still tries breaking it off and running when she's triggered and she feels crazy. 😔 As for me, I just pushed my partner away...again. I was nice about it and let him know how much I love him. I'm not sure if he'll come back again. That can't be easy for him. I asked my friend's fiance why guys who know how we are keep coming back. He said because he loves you. I guess I have a hard time believing it no matter what he does.
@@LeeChrissy thank you for sharing. I think i have an answer for you. I think it’s difference between “dating someone” vs having them become your family. So many families have dysfunctional patterns, emotional turmoil, problems etc. And people even distance themselves from each other for their own self protection, which is what they should do when considering their own well being in negative situations. But if you view someone as family and are with them till they die, you will always keep a prayer for them at the end of your day hoping that they figure it out. That’s how i feel. Even from a distance, knowing that I shouldn’t intervene and kinda let her take her own healing journey, i pray for her everyday that she finds her way to security. And hopefully, yes, one day that means to me as well. I now also extend that onto you. Please heal, it is your responsibility to the man that loves you to do so. If you don’t you will never become a fully integrated, strong, resilient family unit. And nothing in this world is more important than the relationships we make - family being the central one. Hope this helps 😁❤️
Ohhh, I hope she goes back... I know for me, as an FA, even though I do this, more than anything, I want to experience someone sticking with me anyway. I know that sounds like it makes no sense, *sigh* but I wish for someone to love me through it. I am just realizing too that I break up bc it's like I freeze up / lock up when there's too much emotional stuff I don't know what to do with except end it.
@@nickbarbosa21 I'm just seeing your reply and it was beautiful thank you! My ex is a DA and it was very hard with him because he started out open and vulnerable and as time progressed, he seemed to move backwards and shut down during any type of light conversation about something that was bothering me which confused me because at the beginning he said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me and we should talk about everything always. Anyway, this continued confusion left me constantly feeling triggered and unsafe so I've walked away 3 times. Now I'm taking PDS courses and trying to heal myself and learn to better communicate. I'm doing the work on my end but I'm not sure if he'll ever do it on his and for that reason it may never work. It's sad what trauma does to us. 💔
@@reginag.a.4187 agreed. I remember my ex telling me that he loves my mess and those words meant so much to me. All I want is for someone who accepts me as I am while I heal. Try the PDS courses. They're very much worth it.
I dated a FA a year ago and after our first intimate night she was clingy on her way home and I thought she must be madly in love, next day she ghosted, I reached with another phone a couple weeks later and she was distant and said she had nothing to talk to me about. A year later we met by chance and I extended the hand saying if she was interested in going places she can say it, she invited me to a museum weeks later, it's like a dream spending time together and we started dating again, intimacy was out of the table and as things were getting closer she deactivated and said we should be friends as she isn't able to give me what I want, even though i've never talked about future and what I want as I'm more focused on the present. Some conversations gave me a hint of her fears she told me that in our generation the worst and most boring couples last and get married and people that should be together are afraid to fall in love, she told me I would be an amazing father and even when I said thanks and changed the subject she's at the age her mother started having kids and that seems to make her panic at the idea we are so great together that it could last forever and we'll be a family. How can someone who seems to think of you on such high regard dump you on a whim? It's tiresome because the connection when we are together is greater than I ever felt in some relationships that lasted years. I know we are capable of so much more but we don't even try, and I cannot understand how interest level can plummet when nothing triggering happened, I was taking it slow enjoying the process and the result was the same
Yeah it totally sucks and is difficult to understand. But it sounds like you have done a pretty good job trying to unpack her behaviour. Coming from a fellow FA we just have to put in the work to reprogram what happened to us. Cause like you say we end up really hurting and ruining the potential of great relationships with some great people. Which l have definitely done before. But it can definitely get better. But the FA has to put in the work.
@@faithnkomo7179 thanks for your reply, I'd gladly be supportive of her growing and healing but there wasn't even a chance since nothing bad needs to happen for getting deactivated. I didn't agree to be friends didn't even mention it I won't be her psychiatrist nor her emotional tampon friend that would be death by a thousand cuts, I could be a supportive partner who wants her to be happy and let the trauma behind so she and the relationship could thrive
I didn't even mention the friends proposal on my reply, just said that it seems you're feeling smothered and we should take a breath. I went no contact, she reached twice the first couple of weeks but only a how are you? I didn't reply I want something significant since I'm doing great, indeed it is a phenomenal moment on my life and getting together could only make it better. I post as usual, she always watches but I only see her stories on an incognito app and she seems to be having a miserable time, betting on her to miss me and realize how much better her days are with my presence and the 'beautiful and peaceful energy' she receives when we're together as she told me after a date. It's been a month since we last seen and damn how I want it to be the other way around, getting closer and fonder not distancing
@@barretoleandroariel notice how Avidant you're acting, going no contact and not replying when you Say here that you want to be together. You have Your part to work on cuz it sounds to me like Both of you are holding Back when it comes to Openly discussing your Wants, Needs and Desire for each other.
@@RitaP41 TFYR I'm aware of that and I don't like it, I was always the let's figure it out kind but this time I don't think it's the way to deal with the let's remain friends dump, that would make her lose even more interest and respect this time. For me the relationship was perfect as it was just lacking intimacy, since getting intimate was the triggering point the first time and this time we didn't even got to it before deactivating stating my WND being the way things are plus intimacy at the face of pulling away would be catastrophic.
I’m a Fearful Avoidant and have been going to therapy consistently for 2 years now. After years of avoiding having a serious relationship, I finally found someone who I can say is not only an amazing partner with a secure attachment style, but also my best friend. I still struggle with triggers and moments will come when I have fleeting thoughts that just leaving would just be much easier for both of us, but I’m so lucky that my partner is here for me, and chooses everyday to work on this with me. Your videos help me through the difficult times, when my hypervigilance overcomes me, and I worry that I’ll do something to push my partner away. You’re amazing and so great for helping us viewers further understand our struggle and slowly in time, to overcome the obstacles. THANK YOU GREATLY❤! Please keep sharing more videos regarding Fearful Avoidants. With your help, I’m learning more about myself🙏🏼
This is one thing I really struggle with. In that moment I am convinced they are wrong for me, bad and need to go. Especially if I interpret their actions as a rejection. You better know I’ll reject you before you do it to me -_-
I'm dating a FA and this is so true. He deactivated and left 2 or 3 times during these months and always came back after a couple of days up to two weeks, after spending time alone with his thoughts
Heidi Priebe did an in-depth video specifically on why FAs have difficulty understanding why they have such a hard time moving on from relationships-even ones they end themselves, this subject on her channel. I highly recommend her videos on attachment as well, particularly for FAs because they're so specific, and attachment and the "drama triangle."
I’m am seeing an FA and this sounds exactly like him! It’s so hard because we have incredible chemistry and connection from the beginning! It feels like we have known eachother a lifetime not just 8 months but every time we see eachother in person he deactivates and won’t talk to me for a week or two! When we first met it happened 3 times in 1 month so I just told him I can’t do this with him because I am AA becoming more secure but this is the most triggering thing for me-abandonment!! We stopped talking for a while and when we reconnected it was amazing all the same chemistry and connection and then yet again we saw eachother and now he is silent again 😢 We talked so much about all this and how I feel and he assured me he will never leave me, will do everything he can to make me feel secure-he has even told me he loves me! He has mentioned things to indicate to me he is afraid I will leave him. I don’t know what to do. I know he needs counseling like I have been getting now for almost 3 years. He won’t be able to get secure with himself if he doesn’t understand what is happening and how to go about working to fix it. I’m much more secure than AA now and so I am just feeling sad and helpless at this point. I really like him a lot and believe we could have a long term future together but how can we when he keeps doing this?
The expectation that it’ll end because they’ll get bored is so accurate.. and makes sense in light of choppy trauma waters we grew up in - it’s a projection of our own normal.
If you’re feeling like you should leave & your nervous system is constantly in shambles in the relationship 9/10 you SHOULD listen to those emotions! Our emotions can be a compass. Use logic to stay OUT. Seek safe, stable, & secure relationships. People that hear you & support you. Know the difference between you being overly codependent & needing to meet your own needs & you having a partner that is avoidant.
Can any FAs offer any suggestions on why an FA might downplay their actions/emotions? I was in a year long situationship with a FA who was clear that he only wanted to be casual but then he acted like we were in a relationship (it almost felt like he was trying to prove his worth) he’d call me everyday, plan lovely dates, introduced me to his family, suggested we spend xmas together, and at times he’d ask me about our future e.g if we moved in together what area would you want us to live in. But then he slowly deactivated … maybe he was triggered by something I said, I don’t know. So I brought it up, I said to him that things had be so lovely between us in the beginning and I felt we’d developed feeling for each other. He told me that he hadn’t developed feelings for me and all the lovely things he’d done were because he’s a good friend. I asked him why he introduced me to his family and suggested we spend xmas together and he just kept repeating that he was just being a good friend and that he’s been clear from day 1 that this was casual. AND after all of this he seemed shocked and seemingly hurt that I ended the situationship; he said he didn’t want to lose me. It’s one of the most confusing things I’ve ever experienced.
Maybe it was fear of commitment or losing control?? Maybe he wanted to be able to have control over what a relationship was and he knew if he let you define it, things would move much faster and he'd therefore be "losing control". Calling your situationship casual allowed him to control the speed of things which in his head meant he was committing but not actually committing b/c he could back out if he felt too overwhelmed. I'm also a FA and that's how I see it. Now as far as the introduction to family and the suggestion of planning a trip together, I think he was trying to gaslight himself into believing he could make things work even if deep down he really didn't have strong feelings for you. As a FA, I also do this but not with people. I feel like if I rush in and make plans then things will become more permanent which will then prevent me from being able to back out of whatever it is that I agreed to or am trying to convince myself of. So likewise, his train of thought was probably: If I introduced her to family there's no way I can backout now. It's permanent. If I plan a trip in detail and put money down, there's no way I can back out now. It's permanent. If I start talking with her about serious plans for the future, I can't back out because it's permanent. All these actions basically forcefully CEMENTS himself into a relationship with you. Or at least he thought they would because what actually happens is when you forcefully push yourself into committments like that, we just become more anxious and overwhelmed until we go back and quit the thing (or person in this case) that we committed to to feel a sense of control again. That's my theory anyway 🤷🏻♀️
Stats I’ve seen say insecurely attached people only make up 20% of the population, but does anyone think it’s much higher than that? So many people I know are insecurely attached. Maybe it’s just that all the traumatized folks hang together. 😮
I understand you, but never give up on the spirit of love...it bears and heals all things. (...and though it may seem so...some people work hard to give Nad share love; don't give up!) 0:10
That’s actually a very unhealthy thing to say. My sister turned her dog into a full-on anxious-preoccupied dog with the sane idea. That dog is being put way too much pressure on. My sister lives alone and goes to work full time every day. Imagine what that dog goes through every day. He in fact only eats when my sister is home, and she finds that cute. 🤢
Thais, Thank you! YOU'RE AMAZING! The best and most thorough videos I've see on attachment styles. Wish I knew this when I was 20, or even a year ago! Would've saved myself a lot of heartache ❤
It feels freeing to cut people off your life. I find people to be very arrogant and selfish and they treat my time in a very decadent way. I do not want to waste my time with them anymore.
@@sherriflemming3218 I think we all are opportunistic but few have manners. I played a tournament with my so called friends and afterwards the group of 4 went to a restaurant. Leaving me out. They could have at least asked me. From then on the time was ticking for them. I started looking for reasons to cut them off easily in the future. If you are not decent in this way...what should I do with you in the future?
@@Kareena1988 Sadly it's the world and selfish people who makes us the way we are. Hope you find better friends. Please don't cut yourself off totally one day you become irrevocably isolated. Pray for true people.
AP that dated an FA who would do this during basically every conflict. And no surprise she initiated the actual break up. I have abandonment issues so yeah you could say im traumatized!🥰😭😂
Same here. I'm an AP and got dumped by my FA twice in 3 years together. I feel like this time is permanent and it really does trigger our trauma. Just devastating. And their deactivation makes it so much worse.
The FA sort of wakes up after having charmed/given too much, in the beginning. Not communicated his needs. So the FA actually wants to really really slow down, i think. Which is important information to the other party.
You said it happened in previous relationships and in the one you’re talking about: could your subconscious been right? You knew it was not the place you wanted to be, but your head needed facts and reasons to leave, while your heart already knew?
So glad for this video, this is me and learning about the reasons for why I "hot potato“ lol ... so hoping I dont feel the need to do that anymore. The testing indirectly stuff , I do too often. Generally feel secure but this creeps up. Hoping to meet someone who i dont feel need to do this. While I wish to meet a great match for me, i am afraid of entering new relationships bc i may do this again... Thank you!
Very helpful video again! Thank you, Thais! How can I distiguish between my fears to get hurt and a healthy gut feeling to be careful? I always seem to go off when meeting with a DA. From very early on the repressing of emotions in DAs feels almost as a threat to me, as if they can and will leave me at anytime because there are no feelings involved. And that makes me angry inside (I don't show it) and it leads me to treating them not very well - even though sometimes they put efforts in it... What can I do?
Find out what is bringing out your anxious side. Usually it's a trigger from childhood or a need that you need to figure our to fulfill on for yourself. This happened to me recently, once I figured out what it was my anxious side completely went away. You may want to watch a few of her anxious attachment videos on how to control your anxious side. It worked for me. Good luck.
@@blossombrown5408 I thought about your advice: what triggers me, is that they lead me into a trap, where I attach and they not. So, I am held captive by my feelings - wheras they are completely free.
I’m not a professional but I used to wonder the same thing until I had therapy. I’d say that when it’s fears of getting hurt it usually involves fear, assumptions and your imagination e.g ‘they didn’t text back quickly enough so they clearly don’t care about me anymore’ … but when it’s your actual gut, it’s usually doesn’t involve fearful thinking. It’s usually a rational logical thought based on principles and values e.g ‘he’s cancelled our plans 3 times in a row last minute with no explanation. I need someone more reliable and intentional’
For me It's a test when I'm saying that I don't know if it's working:"are you gonna trap me? Are you gonna tell me 'noooo don't leave you have to be with me no matter how you feel', are you gonna keep me hostage even if I'll see that this isn't working out?".
Hello guy's I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 12 months...She lives in Germany...i live in England... i was at the Tollwood festival with her on New year's eve...We danced the night away hugging....She looked so happy... Even took video of us when new year fireworks we're going off...It was one of the best days of my life......We danced another 3/12 hours....We walked back to her flat....her smiling Once we got back to ger flat she said i want to break up ..WTF......I said you've had such a great time today....Her reply was "i was acting" it turned out this was because I'd said earlier in the day tgat I'd be prepared to move in to Germany in a few years if things go well ...😮 I kept carlm i had a little cry and walked out of her flat at 3:30am new years day .. nothing open was going to slept at the church... I've never felt so bad..... following day she acts like nothing has happened 😮
Don't get discouraged. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself. Plenty of people have been hurt by FAs and they're venting here, but instead of minding that remember that the point is that you deserve a life free of stress, worries and confusion, and full of love.
Every person is different. It may be true that FAs can be good at reading between lines, but it doesn't mean they are 100% accurate at reading. Talking with your partner in a vulnerable way is the only sure way to understand how the other person is feeling, and what caused specific actions. In my experience, my ex FA partner misread many things, made up assumptions, and treated them as facts. He could have just asked me, and I would have told him the truth. The truth which was either innocent, misunderstood actions, or in agreement with what he wanted.
@@genietravelblog2940 Ya, I think it's one of the main pitfalls of an FA; making assumptions to protect themselves. I mean, by all means, create the hypothesis (Do not assume though), but test it, and trust that antithesis may also be true. FAs owe it to themselves to test that assumption/hypothesis, get additional input (BEFORE Committing to the assumption as fact). Don't fall for confirmation bias. Don't fall for Fundamental Attribute Error. These mentalities would be good for any attachment style, but seems FAs seem to make very quick assumptions compared to other attachment styles.
@@genietravelblog2940 I feel testing the hypothesis could more easily lead to confirmation bias. Obviously, if you are talking about a human, you could first just ask them :D or do the "You did this, I felt this..." type conversation. An example I had from my relationship. My Ex suggested we watch a TV program early on in the relationship. That to me signaled he liked that. So we frequently did that. He ended the relationship, partly, thinking that was all I liked to do. Testing his hypothesis would have been "let's see if Ed wants to watch TV." That would have lead to confirmation bias, as I was indifferent. Testing the antithesis would have been "let's see if Ed want's to do something other than TV."
You could be FA that leans towards more of the anxious side. You may want to watch more anxious occupied videos to see if there are any similar behaviors and or thoughts that you may have are more anxious. Also it may depend on the person you have an intimate relationship with, DA's usually bring out FAs anxious side, due to FA core wounds.
Hiya did you figure out what to do? Or did she post a video? I’m trying to find it since mine just did it and idk if he means it this time or not, I’m tempted to ignore him for a few days giving him real space or reply with something that reassures him I’m not going anywhere but that also doesn’t make him feel lm forcing him to stay/refuse to accept its over if he does mean it…
Curious....when my ex leaves its alway very abruptly! It's out of nowhere and he escalates a conversation into a blowup. Then boom he's gone and we are done. I'm 76% secure and the rest ap. Question is this more DA or FA behavior? Or is he just really messed up? He always comes back around and this is exhausting. I know he has issues with his son always getting into trouble ( 24 yrs old) But I want at least some peace by understanding where this is coming from.😕
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I can not tell you how perfectly this explains my toxic behavior during my first marriage. I mean SPOT ON. Thank God for years of therapy. Amazing content as usual Thais- thank you!
You're welcome, and I am happy you are in a more healed place now ❤
People can say what they want. But continuously threatening to end a relationship, constantly breaking up, is abusive.
It’s psychologically and emotionally abusive.
It’s pointless to communicate your needs when your partner isn’t really going to care to listen or even try to fulfill them. He just dismisses you and gets defensive.
I fell in love with somebody who only missed me after I left.
I am an FA and literally everything makes me believe that the only solution is to leave. I feel like I'm saving myself and saving them from me. It honestly seems to be the only reasonable solution.
I think all DA's are some type of hybrid fcked up Narcissist. If your that afraid of relationships then stay out of them and stop setting people up for heartbreak! If you wanna stick your head in the sand and live like a coward for the rest of your life that is your prerogative to do so but leave healthy mature people alone!
I'm sorry you suffer feeling that way. It has to be really hard to overcome that and reconcile it with knowing that it's probably not what the partner wants and feeling guilt about it. I'm falling for an FA right now, and I don't know if I'm more worried about him abandoning me (I'm AP) or about him staying but carrying ongoing worry and guilt in himself about whether he's somehow wrong for me. I don't want him to have to endure that feeling. :( It sounds like an incredibly painful internal conflict to deal with. I'm sorry you experience that and I'm glad you at least have the power to recognize it and put those feelings into words.
The only Real solution is to Heal Yoursef. Takes just as much effort as feeling sorry for yourself.
Just know that even if an FA leaves, it's probably not because they wanted to leave you. As backwards as it is it's more likely that they actually want you so much that it scares them. I am terrified truly at the thought of being a disappointment to someone that needs me to love them. I have always felt that I was viewed as being a disappointment and I hate that feeling. Idk what to do to make sure I'm not disappointing someone other than to leave them alone so that they can be in a normal relationship with a normal person. I feel like I'm obligated to please everyone and do what's best for everyone else and sometimes that means letting them go. It sounds like a pity party, but I really never feel bad for myself, only the people that I may have unintentionally hurt.
@@NoName-nj4mw Damn. You described my feelings exactly.
I separated from the person I loved the most, and still have very strong feelings for 5 years later, because I always felt in my hearts of hearts that they deserved a better partner than me.
They've immediately gotten into the next relationship, and have been dating that person for 4 years, most of those years - unhappy.
I was so frustrated when I have learned that:)) I had the most ridiculous, desperately sad thoughts along the lines of: I had to let you go, for you to find _this_ person? I would have made you so much happier, I cared so much more about you, I had so much more to give.
But I was so sure I wouldn't be enough, and felt compelled to do it.
This is so spot on. As a FA, a big thing I struggle with is assuming my partner will get sick of me and it's like I'm just beating them to the punch and leaving before they get the chance. l still have SO MUCH work to do but these videos are so helpful to me learning more about myself.
I’m in month 4 of a relationship with a FA and honestly it feels like I’m walking across a mine field. Mentally exhausting. 🙄
Geez this is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say this about us. What is it that your partner does that makes you feel this way?
@@loria287 it’s the hot and cold emotional swings even in the course of a day and also the trust issues and hyper sensitivity to any perceived lack of honesty. I told her something from my past and we got into a quarrel because she thought I was hiding it from her by not telling her earlier. Honestly it never occurred to me that it was important enough that it needed to be disclosed. I hope the relationship lasts but really I’m mentally prepared for the possibility that she will show me the door at some point like all the other guys.
@@kevinarchibald8390 wow, sounds like you dodged a bullet. Ironically, her behavior has made me more guarded about sharing things from my past with her. We’ll see. 😬
@@professorlayabout4878 it always backfires. Trust issues breed distrust
That's how I have heard FA's describe being FA.
I hope things get easier soon ❤
YES! This is all spot on. Thank you!
It’s such a light bulb moment when, as an FA, you realize that the other person really does care about you and your behavior and that what you do and say affects them. We get so focused on protecting ourselves from getting hurt, we don’t notice when we hurt someone else because we don’t feel like it’s possible
Sooooo accurate, as always. The paranoia about "boredom" being a case of projection, and the inner turmoil of the FA paradox of novelty seeking and extreme loyalty is especially dead-on. Since doing the attachment style work I have also realized that some FAs may also have a fear of their partners getting "bored" of them because they had a self-absorbed/impulsive/neglectful parent (or two) who would engage with them only when they had nothing "better" to do, but then would then drop them whenever someone more "interesting" (e.g. a new partner or a new baby) came along.
this could be left over from being a first born usurped by new baby with mom.
By the way, to FAs that are having difficulty understanding why they have such a hard time moving on from relationships- even ones they ended, Heidi Priebe did an in-depth video specifically on this subject on her channel. I highly recommend her videos on attachment as well, particularly for FAs because they're so specific, as well as her videos on attachment and the "drama triangle."
I was with an FA for two years and then she sabotaged the relationship by stonewalling and cheating on me. I only found out about the cheating from her best friend. I tortured myself trying to figure out her behavior until I did a deep dive into attachment styles. I also resolved in my mind that I will never get any explanation or apology from this woman. I’m so glad that I didn’t get into a marriage with this person. Thank God for unanswered prayer sometimes. I no longer have any feelings one way or another toward her. I do pray that God will open her eyes to what’s going on deep down inside and that she will seek help and solutions as to why she behaves the way she does in relationships.
Sounds like a DA
@@SmartestDumbGuyI was actually coming here to say just that. Sounds more like a DA.
As an AP, I was utterly traumatized by the constant breakup threats from my FA ex. We dated 3 years long distance. She broke up with me once after 2 years for a month and then again 10 months later. The distance didnt help at all. Its been 2 weeks since we last spoke and I tried so hard for this girl. I gave up myself and sacrificed to try and give her the love she couldn't give herself. I feel like I failed and it's heartbraking. I recognize my attachment issues and have begun working on them. Whether she comes back or not, I need to focus on myself and heal.
Dated an FA for 3 years. 6 break ups ranging between a couple hours to a whole year each. Now almost 10 months separated again. She’s an amazing person i hoped to keep for the rest of my life. Miss her everyday but we keep moving.
Thanks for the videos Thais ❤ knowledge is always empowering.
I love that no matter what you love her and don't seem to want to give up on her. 💗 I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday.. We're both FA's. It's clear that our nervous systems are just destroyed and she's always trying to break up and run just as much as I do. On the outside, it's so clear that her fiance adores her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and she feels the same, but she still tries breaking it off and running when she's triggered and she feels crazy. 😔 As for me, I just pushed my partner away...again. I was nice about it and let him know how much I love him. I'm not sure if he'll come back again. That can't be easy for him. I asked my friend's fiance why guys who know how we are keep coming back. He said because he loves you. I guess I have a hard time believing it no matter what he does.
@@LeeChrissy thank you for sharing. I think i have an answer for you. I think it’s difference between “dating someone” vs having them become your family. So many families have dysfunctional patterns, emotional turmoil, problems etc. And people even distance themselves from each other for their own self protection, which is what they should do when considering their own well being in negative situations. But if you view someone as family and are with them till they die, you will always keep a prayer for them at the end of your day hoping that they figure it out. That’s how i feel. Even from a distance, knowing that I shouldn’t intervene and kinda let her take her own healing journey, i pray for her everyday that she finds her way to security. And hopefully, yes, one day that means to me as well. I now also extend that onto you. Please heal, it is your responsibility to the man that loves you to do so. If you don’t you will never become a fully integrated, strong, resilient family unit. And nothing in this world is more important than the relationships we make - family being the central one. Hope this helps 😁❤️
Ohhh, I hope she goes back... I know for me, as an FA, even though I do this, more than anything, I want to experience someone sticking with me anyway. I know that sounds like it makes no sense, *sigh* but I wish for someone to love me through it. I am just realizing too that I break up bc it's like I freeze up / lock up when there's too much emotional stuff I don't know what to do with except end it.
@@nickbarbosa21 I'm just seeing your reply and it was beautiful thank you! My ex is a DA and it was very hard with him because he started out open and vulnerable and as time progressed, he seemed to move backwards and shut down during any type of light conversation about something that was bothering me which confused me because at the beginning he said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me and we should talk about everything always. Anyway, this continued confusion left me constantly feeling triggered and unsafe so I've walked away 3 times. Now I'm taking PDS courses and trying to heal myself and learn to better communicate. I'm doing the work on my end but I'm not sure if he'll ever do it on his and for that reason it may never work. It's sad what trauma does to us. 💔
@@reginag.a.4187 agreed. I remember my ex telling me that he loves my mess and those words meant so much to me. All I want is for someone who accepts me as I am while I heal. Try the PDS courses. They're very much worth it.
I dated a FA a year ago and after our first intimate night she was clingy on her way home and I thought she must be madly in love, next day she ghosted, I reached with another phone a couple weeks later and she was distant and said she had nothing to talk to me about. A year later we met by chance and I extended the hand saying if she was interested in going places she can say it, she invited me to a museum weeks later, it's like a dream spending time together and we started dating again, intimacy was out of the table and as things were getting closer she deactivated and said we should be friends as she isn't able to give me what I want, even though i've never talked about future and what I want as I'm more focused on the present. Some conversations gave me a hint of her fears she told me that in our generation the worst and most boring couples last and get married and people that should be together are afraid to fall in love, she told me I would be an amazing father and even when I said thanks and changed the subject she's at the age her mother started having kids and that seems to make her panic at the idea we are so great together that it could last forever and we'll be a family. How can someone who seems to think of you on such high regard dump you on a whim? It's tiresome because the connection when we are together is greater than I ever felt in some relationships that lasted years. I know we are capable of so much more but we don't even try, and I cannot understand how interest level can plummet when nothing triggering happened, I was taking it slow enjoying the process and the result was the same
Yeah it totally sucks and is difficult to understand. But it sounds like you have done a pretty good job trying to unpack her behaviour. Coming from a fellow FA we just have to put in the work to reprogram what happened to us. Cause like you say we end up really hurting and ruining the potential of great relationships with some great people. Which l have definitely done before. But it can definitely get better. But the FA has to put in the work.
@@faithnkomo7179 thanks for your reply, I'd gladly be supportive of her growing and healing but there wasn't even a chance since nothing bad needs to happen for getting deactivated. I didn't agree to be friends didn't even mention it I won't be her psychiatrist nor her emotional tampon friend that would be death by a thousand cuts, I could be a supportive partner who wants her to be happy and let the trauma behind so she and the relationship could thrive
I didn't even mention the friends proposal on my reply, just said that it seems you're feeling smothered and we should take a breath. I went no contact, she reached twice the first couple of weeks but only a how are you? I didn't reply I want something significant since I'm doing great, indeed it is a phenomenal moment on my life and getting together could only make it better. I post as usual, she always watches but I only see her stories on an incognito app and she seems to be having a miserable time, betting on her to miss me and realize how much better her days are with my presence and the 'beautiful and peaceful energy' she receives when we're together as she told me after a date. It's been a month since we last seen and damn how I want it to be the other way around, getting closer and fonder not distancing
@@barretoleandroariel notice how Avidant you're acting, going no contact and not replying when you Say here that you want to be together. You have Your part to work on cuz it sounds to me like Both of you are holding Back when it comes to Openly discussing your Wants, Needs and Desire for each other.
@@RitaP41 TFYR I'm aware of that and I don't like it, I was always the let's figure it out kind but this time I don't think it's the way to deal with the let's remain friends dump, that would make her lose even more interest and respect this time. For me the relationship was perfect as it was just lacking intimacy, since getting intimate was the triggering point the first time and this time we didn't even got to it before deactivating stating my WND being the way things are plus intimacy at the face of pulling away would be catastrophic.
I’m a Fearful Avoidant and have been going to therapy consistently for 2 years now. After years of avoiding having a serious relationship, I finally found someone who I can say is not only an amazing partner with a secure attachment style, but also my best friend. I still struggle with triggers and moments will come when I have fleeting thoughts that just leaving would just be much easier for both of us, but I’m so lucky that my partner is here for me, and chooses everyday to work on this with me.
Your videos help me through the difficult times, when my hypervigilance overcomes me, and I worry that I’ll do something to push my partner away. You’re amazing and so great for helping us viewers further understand our struggle and slowly in time, to overcome the obstacles. THANK YOU GREATLY❤! Please keep sharing more videos regarding Fearful Avoidants. With your help, I’m learning more about myself🙏🏼
This is one thing I really struggle with. In that moment I am convinced they are wrong for me, bad and need to go. Especially if I interpret their actions as a rejection. You better know I’ll reject you before you do it to me -_-
❤
I'm dating a FA and this is so true. He deactivated and left 2 or 3 times during these months and always came back after a couple of days up to two weeks, after spending time alone with his thoughts
Thank you for sharing :)
Heidi Priebe did an in-depth video specifically on why FAs have difficulty understanding why they have such a hard time moving on from relationships-even ones they end themselves, this subject on her channel. I highly recommend her videos on attachment as well, particularly for FAs because they're so specific, and attachment and the "drama triangle."
I’m am seeing an FA and this sounds exactly like him! It’s so hard because we have incredible chemistry and connection from the beginning! It feels like we have known eachother a lifetime not just 8 months but every time we see eachother in person he deactivates and won’t talk to me for a week or two! When we first met it happened 3 times in 1 month so I just told him I can’t do this with him because I am AA becoming more secure but this is the most triggering thing for me-abandonment!! We stopped talking for a while and when we reconnected it was amazing all the same chemistry and connection and then yet again we saw eachother and now he is silent again 😢 We talked so much about all this and how I feel and he assured me he will never leave me, will do everything he can to make me feel secure-he has even told me he loves me! He has mentioned things to indicate to me he is afraid I will leave him. I don’t know what to do. I know he needs counseling like I have been getting now for almost 3 years. He won’t be able to get secure with himself if he doesn’t understand what is happening and how to go about working to fix it. I’m much more secure than AA now and so I am just feeling sad and helpless at this point. I really like him a lot and believe we could have a long term future together but how can we when he keeps doing this?
The expectation that it’ll end because they’ll get bored is so accurate.. and makes sense in light of choppy trauma waters we grew up in - it’s a projection of our own normal.
If you’re feeling like you should leave & your nervous system is constantly in shambles in the relationship 9/10 you SHOULD listen to those emotions! Our emotions can be a compass. Use logic to stay OUT. Seek safe, stable, & secure relationships. People that hear you & support you. Know the difference between you being overly codependent & needing to meet your own needs & you having a partner that is avoidant.
Amen!!
Yes, thank you for this comment. So important too!
I don’t believe this actually
Can any FAs offer any suggestions on why an FA might downplay their actions/emotions? I was in a year long situationship with a FA who was clear that he only wanted to be casual but then he acted like we were in a relationship (it almost felt like he was trying to prove his worth) he’d call me everyday, plan lovely dates, introduced me to his family, suggested we spend xmas together, and at times he’d ask me about our future e.g if we moved in together what area would you want us to live in. But then he slowly deactivated … maybe he was triggered by something I said, I don’t know. So I brought it up, I said to him that things had be so lovely between us in the beginning and I felt we’d developed feeling for each other. He told me that he hadn’t developed feelings for me and all the lovely things he’d done were because he’s a good friend. I asked him why he introduced me to his family and suggested we spend xmas together and he just kept repeating that he was just being a good friend and that he’s been clear from day 1 that this was casual. AND after all of this he seemed shocked and seemingly hurt that I ended the situationship; he said he didn’t want to lose me. It’s one of the most confusing things I’ve ever experienced.
Maybe it was fear of commitment or losing control?? Maybe he wanted to be able to have control over what a relationship was and he knew if he let you define it, things would move much faster and he'd therefore be "losing control".
Calling your situationship casual allowed him to control the speed of things which in his head meant he was committing but not actually committing b/c he could back out if he felt too overwhelmed. I'm also a FA and that's how I see it.
Now as far as the introduction to family and the suggestion of planning a trip together, I think he was trying to gaslight himself into believing he could make things work even if deep down he really didn't have strong feelings for you. As a FA, I also do this but not with people. I feel like if I rush in and make plans then things will become more permanent which will then prevent me from being able to back out of whatever it is that I agreed to or am trying to convince myself of. So likewise, his train of thought was probably: If I introduced her to family there's no way I can backout now. It's permanent. If I plan a trip in detail and put money down, there's no way I can back out now. It's permanent. If I start talking with her about serious plans for the future, I can't back out because it's permanent.
All these actions basically forcefully CEMENTS himself into a relationship with you. Or at least he thought they would because what actually happens is when you forcefully push yourself into committments like that, we just become more anxious and overwhelmed until we go back and quit the thing (or person in this case) that we committed to to feel a sense of control again.
That's my theory anyway 🤷🏻♀️
@@EvangelineMelody2 thank you for this. It’s insightful
Stats I’ve seen say insecurely attached people only make up 20% of the population, but does anyone think it’s much higher than that? So many people I know are insecurely attached. Maybe it’s just that all the traumatized folks hang together. 😮
People are too unpredictable & my dog will never leave me & she's cuter than most people anyway. shalom
Gregory, I swear your dog comments brighten up my days every time, take care.
I understand you, but never give up on the spirit of love...it bears and heals all things.
(...and though it may seem so...some people work hard to give Nad share love; don't give up!) 0:10
@@gala2103 / l'm glad you enjoy my reality & satire. Shalom
Oh my gosh, yess!!!
That’s actually a very unhealthy thing to say. My sister turned her dog into a full-on anxious-preoccupied dog with the sane idea. That dog is being put way too much pressure on. My sister lives alone and goes to work full time every day. Imagine what that dog goes through every day. He in fact only eats when my sister is home, and she finds that cute. 🤢
Also, my preoccupation with me getting bored with them. Not them getting bored with me.❤❤❤
Powerful. Definitely hit all the reasons I've done this
❤
Thais, Thank you! YOU'RE AMAZING! The best and most thorough videos I've see on attachment styles. Wish I knew this when I was 20, or even a year ago! Would've saved myself a lot of heartache ❤
I wish I knew this earlier as well, but better late than never :) ❤
Well, that explains a lot... about my first serious relationship, over 20 years ago.. 🤦♀️. Exactly these dynamics.
It feels freeing to cut people off your life. I find people to be very arrogant and selfish and they treat my time in a very decadent way. I do not want to waste my time with them anymore.
@@sherriflemming3218 I think we all are opportunistic but few have manners. I played a tournament with my so called friends and afterwards the group of 4 went to a restaurant. Leaving me out. They could have at least asked me. From then on the time was ticking for them. I started looking for reasons to cut them off easily in the future. If you are not decent in this way...what should I do with you in the future?
@@Kareena1988 Sadly it's the world and selfish people who makes us the way we are. Hope you find better friends. Please don't cut yourself off totally one day you become irrevocably isolated. Pray for true people.
@@sherriflemming3218 I am an FA btw. Not a dismissive avoidant.
AP that dated an FA who would do this during basically every conflict. And no surprise she initiated the actual break up. I have abandonment issues so yeah you could say im traumatized!🥰😭😂
Same here. I'm an AP and got dumped by my FA twice in 3 years together. I feel like this time is permanent and it really does trigger our trauma. Just devastating. And their deactivation makes it so much worse.
The FA sort of wakes up after having charmed/given too much, in the beginning. Not communicated his needs. So the FA actually wants to really really slow down, i think.
Which is important information to the other party.
This is one of my favourite videos about us FA’s
I love the personal share Thais gave in this! and this was such an interesting topic
You said it happened in previous relationships and in the one you’re talking about: could your subconscious been right? You knew it was not the place you wanted to be, but your head needed facts and reasons to leave, while your heart already knew?
So glad for this video, this is me and learning about the reasons for why I "hot potato“ lol ... so hoping I dont feel the need to do that anymore. The testing indirectly stuff , I do too often. Generally feel secure but this creeps up. Hoping to meet someone who i dont feel need to do this. While I wish to meet a great match for me, i am afraid of entering new relationships bc i may do this again... Thank you!
Very helpful video again! Thank you, Thais! How can I distiguish between my fears to get hurt and a healthy gut feeling to be careful? I always seem to go off when meeting with a DA. From very early on the repressing of emotions in DAs feels almost as a threat to me, as if they can and will leave me at anytime because there are no feelings involved. And that makes me angry inside (I don't show it) and it leads me to treating them not very well - even though sometimes they put efforts in it...
What can I do?
Find out what is bringing out your anxious side. Usually it's a trigger from childhood or a need that you need to figure our to fulfill on for yourself. This happened to me recently, once I figured out what it was my anxious side completely went away. You may want to watch a few of her anxious attachment videos on how to control your anxious side. It worked for me. Good luck.
@@blossombrown5408 I thought about your advice: what triggers me, is that they lead me into a trap, where I attach and they not. So, I am held captive by my feelings - wheras they are completely free.
I’m not a professional but I used to wonder the same thing until I had therapy. I’d say that when it’s fears of getting hurt it usually involves fear, assumptions and your imagination e.g ‘they didn’t text back quickly enough so they clearly don’t care about me anymore’ … but when it’s your actual gut, it’s usually doesn’t involve fearful thinking. It’s usually a rational logical thought based on principles and values e.g ‘he’s cancelled our plans 3 times in a row last minute with no explanation. I need someone more reliable and intentional’
@@Juniperberrie25oh this is helpful thank you
Excellent question! I have a difficult time with this as well. And when this is the case, I will pray and ask God for direction.
For me It's a test when I'm saying that I don't know if it's working:"are you gonna trap me? Are you gonna tell me 'noooo don't leave you have to be with me no matter how you feel', are you gonna keep me hostage even if I'll see that this isn't working out?".
Hello guy's I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 12 months...She lives in Germany...i live in England... i was at the Tollwood festival with her on New year's eve...We danced the night away hugging....She looked so happy... Even took video of us when new year fireworks we're going off...It was one of the best days of my life......We danced another 3/12 hours....We walked back to her flat....her smiling Once we got back to ger flat she said i want to break up ..WTF......I said you've had such a great time today....Her reply was "i was acting" it turned out this was because I'd said earlier in the day tgat I'd be prepared to move in to Germany in a few years if things go well ...😮
I kept carlm i had a little cry and walked out of her flat at 3:30am new years day .. nothing open was going to slept at the church... I've never felt so bad..... following day she acts like nothing has happened 😮
I see so many hate comments to FA’s 😭
Im trying to fix myself
Don't get discouraged. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself. Plenty of people have been hurt by FAs and they're venting here, but instead of minding that remember that the point is that you deserve a life free of stress, worries and confusion, and full of love.
I know some amazing FAs. You are so worthy of love. The one who is patient with you, will be rewarded!
@@StudioSGS idk about that. Idk about anything anymore. I just wanna get better idk if this channel helps but it’s my only hope to getting on any path
SA here, not hate just incompatibility.
Wow this video came out at exactly the right time. I've been relating to everything you said.
Self preservation is the best .. because we know how to read between lines
Every person is different. It may be true that FAs can be good at reading between lines, but it doesn't mean they are 100% accurate at reading. Talking with your partner in a vulnerable way is the only sure way to understand how the other person is feeling, and what caused specific actions. In my experience, my ex FA partner misread many things, made up assumptions, and treated them as facts. He could have just asked me, and I would have told him the truth. The truth which was either innocent, misunderstood actions, or in agreement with what he wanted.
@@EdHayes3 you have the point ., next time
@@genietravelblog2940 Ya, I think it's one of the main pitfalls of an FA; making assumptions to protect themselves. I mean, by all means, create the hypothesis (Do not assume though), but test it, and trust that antithesis may also be true. FAs owe it to themselves to test that assumption/hypothesis, get additional input (BEFORE Committing to the assumption as fact). Don't fall for confirmation bias. Don't fall for Fundamental Attribute Error. These mentalities would be good for any attachment style, but seems FAs seem to make very quick assumptions compared to other attachment styles.
@@EdHayes3 test the hypothesis
@@genietravelblog2940 I feel testing the hypothesis could more easily lead to confirmation bias. Obviously, if you are talking about a human, you could first just ask them :D or do the "You did this, I felt this..." type conversation.
An example I had from my relationship. My Ex suggested we watch a TV program early on in the relationship. That to me signaled he liked that. So we frequently did that. He ended the relationship, partly, thinking that was all I liked to do. Testing his hypothesis would have been "let's see if Ed wants to watch TV." That would have lead to confirmation bias, as I was indifferent. Testing the antithesis would have been "let's see if Ed want's to do something other than TV."
I think that referring to FA as disorganized is much more apt.
Do fearful avoidants often think their partners are cheating? I got accused often
Thais, what’s the most common secondary attachment style to FA? Or AP? I feel I’m between the two.
I think it's specific to you, observe which of your responses are most prominent and rank accordingly.
You could be FA that leans towards more of the anxious side. You may want to watch more anxious occupied videos to see if there are any similar behaviors and or thoughts that you may have are more anxious. Also it may depend on the person you have an intimate relationship with, DA's usually bring out FAs anxious side, due to FA core wounds.
Thank you so much.
Can you do a video on what to do if you are the partner of FA
Hiya did you figure out what to do? Or did she post a video? I’m trying to find it since mine just did it and idk if he means it this time or not, I’m tempted to ignore him for a few days giving him real space or reply with something that reassures him I’m not going anywhere but that also doesn’t make him feel lm forcing him to stay/refuse to accept its over if he does mean it…
Curious....when my ex leaves its alway very abruptly! It's out of nowhere and he escalates a conversation into a blowup. Then boom he's gone and we are done. I'm 76% secure and the rest ap. Question is this more DA or FA behavior? Or is he just really messed up? He always comes back around and this is exhausting. I know he has issues with his son always getting into trouble ( 24 yrs old) But I want at least some peace by understanding where this is coming from.😕
FAs are more likely to exhibit explosive behaviour and are more likely to behave in a hot/cold fashion - distance/come closer
I would say, more FA.
Is there a video about AP breaking up with a FA? I recently did it and he got ANGRY, blocked me. I want to know what's going on on his mind
My bf does this whenever things are really good it's confusing to me
Wow. I was sure I was AP until I watched this video. Can someone be fully both?!
FA actually have both AP and DA qualities. So, you might be FA but anxious leaning.
If only this one applies a lot, i would stilm say you are AP. Behaviours and wounds overact and AP can also use these activation strategied