CPTSD and the Belief You Have to Hide Your Love
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 มี.ค. 2024
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For people didn’t dare express themselves or cry or have needs when they were kids - it’s a hard road growing up and learning to BE in a relationship for real. You were trained that your true feelings were unspeakable, so you keep quiet. Wanting more love or attention feels shameful and so you pretend you need nothing. The cost of this is that people with too little to give you get to be in your life at all. And the ones you really love, you risk losing. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who may be jeapardizing her relationship by creating the impression she doesn't care.
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This is one of the most valuable videos I've ever watched! 🩷
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
“You’re only 57” that just made me feel so good. I am not too slow and it’s okay it has just been a year of learning to regulate and validate myself.
I’m glad you put a name to what’s happening and you’re healing❤ I’m healing from it too. No dx yet but it explains how I felt during my childhood
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I was 40 when my wife of 15 years walked out. A very senior lawyer (she had 41 years of experience) said me "Oh dear you are still young".
Oh me too!!
Lived like a plant . . . that really hit me.
In fear of being shunned for asking for help or my needs, I learned to be hyperindependent so that I rarely need a person for anything, unfortunately the heart doesn't learn this, furthermore you only become exhausted in the long run. Got ghosted for expressing love, it's been hard to believe I am deserving of it ever since
I feel your pain. I want you to know you are worthy of love ❤️
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
im exactly the same
i like someone who isn't interested in me, and that's ok because i realized that i am complete in myself. the freedom of realizing that i don't need a romantic partner is delightful--i enjoy my own company, my own home, my own health, my own habits, my own joy. and if that person somehow decides to get together, well, that could be fun, too. i am in a tremendously healthy, whole, healed place right now, and i wish at least as much for everyone in this community.
We're happy for you! Thank you for sharing your kindness for other folks in our community!
Nika@TeamFairy
Extremely hard. I went from being anxious as a teen, young adult to being avoidant because my love/openness was taken advantage of, I’m now trying to to be open and fearlessly loving again. But it’s hard. I just dated a man for 2 months, opened my heart to him, let down my walls, and he didn’t feel the same. He was physically attracted, enjoyed our casual relationship, and he said he really liked me and talked about the future with me but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off and so I walked away. He gave so little interest in me or effort/passion. Not the energy I was giving him. I still feel rejected even though I walked away and he insisted he reciprocated my feelings. It obviously wasn’t enough.
One of my friends said, “don’t let this change you. Don’t close your heart again because of this.” And I’m trying not to, but it’s hard. My mom fuels a lot of it. She made me feel like I was a desperate loser for simply telling him I had feelings for him. My mom is the queen of “the cool girl” so I just can’t go to her for heart-open advice.
Your mom's advice is stupid.
My opinion is that Bonnie's boyfriend was NOT open to treating her as an equal and with respect because of him talking over her and asking his kids' opinions and not hers. I believe his behavior made it hard for Bonnie to speak up for herself. Considerate, respectful people allow space for others to talk and they listen sincerely.😊
Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
Nika@TeamFairy
I agree with you. It doesn't seem that he is a nice person. I don't think that talking to him would suddenly make him a respectful and considerate person. He's not 5 years old, he is an adult and should have a certain level of understanding. I honestly do not agree with the advice.
This is a hard one. I've learned not to need anything from other people due to alcoholic parents, siblings, and friends except what is lawfully mine like a paycheck. At 68 I have to take care of all my own needs. Sad but true. Can't rely on other people. They don't come through.
Same
Me too
yes I've come to believe Im very happy with me-time.
It’s sad no one looks out for some of us at all 😢
I even learned how to fix the washing machine so I could prove I could do it all myself. The last guy I dated more than 15 years ago spent an hour on the phone telling me all the things he looked forward to in the summer, then told me he needed a break. Evidently all the summer events didn't include me. I heard from someone else that we had broken up. He claimed it was the same thing. I told him I would rather have a relationship with an adult. I gave up after that.
I identify so much with her saying she lives her life like a plant, quiet and still. Wow did that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I grew up with an emotionally detached father and I made myself as small and silent as I could to try and keep the peace . You know the old saying children are to be seen and not heard? We definelty could have none of our own opinions or feelings around my dad. And most times I felt he didn't want me and my 3 sisters to be seen either. When he would come home from work we would all scatter and hide in our rooms because we never knew what kind of mood he would be in. Not physically abusive except for the spankings which mine weren't due to behavioral but mostly grades in school and I wasn't a bad student. So many things play into how you feel about yourself. I am almost 56 and have never had a solid relationship because I don't know how to express or even identify what I need.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us! A good way to get clear about what you really want is through Daily Practice. Here’s the link to the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel for Bonnie but i can tell her ex was chosen from her trauma. She should gather her new knowledge and move on.
👏
My thoughts go out to Bonnie. I hope she's able to heal from all the horrible things that have happened to her in her childhood. And I'm sure she'll eventually find a great man out there who appreciates and loves her.
A big hug for Bonnie. And if it's true what the scientists say, that time doesn't exist after all, can be we please be by your cot now, lift you up, and give you all the tenderness you should have had.
Yeah I’m constantly like this if someone asks me what I want I’m just like whatever you want is fine I’m fine anything is fine. I just can’t help myself. Then you meet another person like this and making a decision is impossible
So I know I do this, I dont express my needs because it makes uncomfortable to ask for things when I can do it myself and fear showing that I like people, showing affection, showing that I'd want to be friends with them. I wasn't abused by my parents, I was parentified a bit as the second oldest of 5 kids with both my youngest siblings being 6 and 9 years younger than me. But at the same time my mom was very attentive to all of us. That being said she did struggle with anger issues early on and then later when I was in highschool she struggled again for a bit. And those times definitely made me feel the need to compise myself to accommodate her and can still feel that way at times. I'm working on retraining myself to not feel responsible for others emotions. But all that said, I think the time in my life that really solidified my issues was while being emotionally and mentally bullied for 5 years in a toxic friendship from age 10 to 14. During that relationship I became afraid of strangers, learned to be reserved and quiet to avoid ridicule, developed self-doubt about anything and everything, doubting things I saw, heard, said. I also developed self-loathing and lost a sense of who I even was. I wanted a boyfriend because I thought it would make me feel loved, then when that seemed hopeless I wanted a baby. I learned to keep my thoughts to myself and hated this group of girls I was friends with and yet was terrified of losing them. I never went through therapy but I've spent everyday since waking up and healing.
It's never too late to learn how to lean on someone else, I think therapy could be a good start
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You may like Daily Practice. It is a free course that delivers tools to process fears and resentment. Give it a try if you haven't already: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
The response to my expressing a need or want was: "That just shows how selfish you are."
i got that too, even after I was diagnosed with cancer
@@sophiafaith 🤗 It hurts. I hope you're doing well.
I am wondering how ive managed to go through my life, through trauma and healing and yet only today have I heard the term "rageaholic". Lacking that term has made it difficult trying to express the anger and violence I experienced from my mother as "anger isues" really didn't cover it.
It's amazing how much one can learn about ones own history through the story of someone else
I learn SO much from everyone here- it wasn't until I found CCF that I fully embraced CPTSD as a thing; wasn't until the pandemic that I ever had a chance to really think long and hard about it, and rest my nervous system. The daily practice - I hope ANNA wins the nobel peace prize for this method.
I used to date in teenage and stop looking for any relationship at 19. I hated everything. I remember not telling my bf how i feel. I believed that if i tell him my feelings he will take me for granted. Now i understand it was trauma.
Thank you for watching. Glad the video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
All I been doing is to find a way to go far far away from this place. Yet thinking that there is no way. So plan C. Yet not needing to talk about it. Thanks for your help to others ❤❤❤
Listening to you read this is heart breaking 😢 3:25
Having a similar background, what I picked up on was his promise to be equal partners and then reneging on it. Actions not words. I was in a similar long relationship and when I am totally honest with myself, I knew that if I demanded truth and equality, the relationship would have never worked. I went along for the ride because of the "good" things. It ended horrifically. All I can say, whatever the childhood conditioning, one must trust their instincts and have courage to do it. Easier said than done.
Except people are not good at mind reading
I hope you got out ok! I left after 10 years, and just got my own apartment. He's engaged already!
@@sophiafaith Yes! It has been 8 years that I left/ got pushed out... and I knew that the journey ahead would lead to a place that I could never predict. I am so glad in a hundred ways, that I have been able to be a different and aware and more knowledgable person. You can not see the picture if you are in it. And Karma has happened for him. They do not live in reality and it invariably bites them.
love and blessings to bonnie! girl, you are 57-year-young! you have a rich full life ahead of you--may you enjoy every moment!
I stopped looking for love at 47 and its like a weight has been lifted. It may not be ideal but its sure better than banging your head against a wall over and over again for something that will never exist.
Love is earned by starting with yourself. Starts in the gym and kitchen. It never existed because you didn’t start, test your limits and maintain doing so
@@-Clarence- i think ill pass
@@trydowave not telling you how to live your life, just explaining so you understand what happened
I’m younger than you and have also stopped looking. It’s such a relief, like a weight is lifted. It’s ok to be single! 100x better than repeating patterns because the stress of that made me so ill and now without that extra stress I’m gradually healing!
I love the Daily Practice. I know it’s not part of it, but after a few weeks of doing it, it seems my unconscious is starting to push back on those fears and resentments. Challenge them. I write those down in square brackets.
daily practice changed my life, and I've been "healing" for 30 years. It gave me the confidence required to leave a bad relationship after 10 years of limerance
I'm so glad the practice has been helpful! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I asked couple times why I cannot subscribe to the program?
When I introduce my email account It says that the adress is not valid.
"There's a great future for people who can learn to work with their trauma symptoms and start to soften them, and start to come thru, and communicate and be themselves."
This gives me so much hope. Thank you Fairy Anna
Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment. Glad Anna's video was helpful for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
Yup, she shares has the same pattern. I have been single for 11 years, that’s because I have my daughter and I fear I will end up with someone that could harm my daughter. I fear the pattern and though my dad was not supportive of me while I was a child , he looked at me and said, do not get on another relationship again. I know that my dad got tired of me being hurt over and over again, and I don’t think he realizes that this was happening to me between my mom and I, even after I asked him to help me when I was a child.
Oh man, this hit. When i was young, the first thing i did whenever i had a crush was start figuring out how to get over it. It was never even a possibility to me that someone would like me back (and no one ever did back then, but not because there was some big unlovable thing about me).
I definitely feel like it’s chipping away at a mountain.
Sending you hugs Bonnie!
In particular for traumatised people. All deserved friends and support groups. As a good social circle maybe workshops this is healthy especially for psychological development as complete human beings. Titrating is a good analogy!
That letter made me cry
Thank you for your empathy towards the letter writer.
Nika@TeamFairy
I've been the guy that Bonnie is describing, friends with a girl who was afraid to advocate for herself until she just couldn't take it anymore. I can't describe how heartbreaking it was to hear that I had been causing her so much misery, and how I hadn't even been given a chance to be there for her until it was too late. It honestly made me start to question my own sanity- was I really that oblivious? I would scan back through our correspondence over and over again looking for signs of her distress I might have missed, only to come up empty every time.
wow!
Thank you for sharing that perspective! I needed to hear that.
Mine refuses help from me when she clearly needs it , so I had to do some sneaky stuff to help them even tho they never knew. She actually likes taking money from men who abuse them.
It's valuable to have such reflection. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Nika@TeamFairy
When you say correspondence, it makes me wonder if you knew each other in person(?) If not then you didn't truly know each other, and you cannot accuse yourself of being oblivious. Forgive me if I got this wrong.
This struck a chord with me, thank you. Some wisdom here that I will carry with me & learn from.
You're very welcome! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Suscribed and notibell
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel like that's my problem. I expect people to know what I want . 😭
You're in the right place then. Keep watching. More to come!
Nika@TeamFairy
Wow title already is on point
Anna, I just did the Daily Practice and I have a question. Is this one of the ways we can “rewire” our brains after trauma?
I think I’m expressing my love but it’s actually limerence 😂
Sending my love light and hugs to you.❤
God, this letter made me weep. I wish I could protect and love all the children
There was a video where Crappy Childhood Fairy mentioned how women with childhood CPTSD rather make friends with guys than other women. I have that issue. But what about men with childhood CPTSD? Do they also prefer making friend with opposite sex?
She could waste her life trying to get him to listen. I almost did. You lose yourself. Draw a line. If he’s not changing by that point, LEAVE!!!! He may well be a narcissist. Mine was. A nightmare divorce. Deception was going on at every level, since the day we met. Lost a lot of $$$.
Is it hiding your emotions if you're not assuming a friendship degree of intimacy is at a point to speak on emotional topics nor initiating a topic that would test that question? Or, further are mobility limited to limit even attempting socialization outside your home on the seemingly rare occasion you might feel like being social, apart from required mental and physical health appointments to carry on your efforts to heal and grow. Add to that being a hetero male and as I only have male friends presently and don't really get out much if at all, I'm neither making new friends nor have opportunities for anything deeper than just the friends that I do have.
Now the one point I've been chuckling at, at almost every turn, my choice to not initiate any relationship of a romantic nature, no request for dates, no voicing attraction, none of it. Only so far as purely platonic compliments at the most. Not any sort of superiority thing, not a fear thing, simply a restraint to avoid my history of jumping into relationships one after another and quickly overreaching in assumptions of indemnity in the woman's part, in every case repeating itself.
Finally I'm horrendous at reading social cues anymore so I'm convinced I'm missing neurotypical signs of interest in being friends besides when I do manage to get out of my home. After trying repeatedly to change that is still a consistent failing so....*shrug*
Thank you....
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Man she has severe abuse history 😢, hope she find some healing.
😭😭😭😢😢😢 my quiteness is how i survived
I have to say this advice is not complete, and its very important with this topic to point out that all the things a good partner will exhibit, a true narcissistic person will also, difference is its only surface deep with them. so the real question is how to know when someone is authentic or not
I don't see anything wrong with it, if you show any sign of weakness people will exploit you, abuse you. Being independent is actually great, it teach you to not rely on others and objectively protect yourself and all the crap is going on nowadays.
This is not like 2000 years ago though, you can easily live alone, as long as you have money.
I think Bonnie for her own closure should speak her truth without any attachment to a result and be in curiousity to see what comes of it.....if he recieves it well great rekindling and being understood, if not then you know its time to move on 😊
I have a question. If Bonnie and him aren't able to work it out. Is there a way for Bonnie to speak with him about the money and the resources that she put into their marriage or relationship so that she can get her money back or at least some resources to start fresh with? Or does he just get to take it all and have does Bonnie have no options?
Anna I Got Saved
OH MY GOD, I JUST NOTICED I HAVEN'T SUSCRIBED
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
Anna is my angel ❤❤❤❤❤❤🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️
sometimes Anna surprises me with her reactions... this was a terrible, horrible upbringing and I expect her to at least say "I am so sorry you were betrayed by your parents in the most awful way". Or something... on some other stories that are far less horrible she reacts in that way.... just wondering.
Bonnie, yes definitely express yourself, you deserve to be heard.
I actually don’t know how to be dependent on someone,express myself or to ask for help. I’ve literally been alone and fending for myself since about 4 that I can remember. When I did try to depend on someone ( my mother) I was always let down. I learned before high school, I could only depend on me. Hell, I don’t even do relationships, all those feelings and sacrificing, it’s a complete turn off. I remember constantly asking my mother to interact with me in some way. She said I was a child and she has better things to do. I want a relationship but I don’t. I want to connect with friends but I don’t. I’ve just been so socially feral for so long, it’s normal for me now.
I hear you but connecting with people can help you heal faster. If you're interested, try Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
I know we are to respect our parents. I know they worked extremely hard with 9 children. However they were both abusive. And all to often quenched our spirit. Especially the boys. I was told that I couldn't do anything right. All sorts of criticism. And that doesn't count the physical abuse. The mental was the worst.
Yeah...his house, his home turf. 😢
I'm just reluctant to show interest because I've seemed to easy to get a spoiled my chance to get the girl in many cases where I did
❤
I thought I had it rough.
🙏
Im confused- i thought Bonnie was devastated because he left but she left and hopes he reaches out ?
Kinda sounds like self-sabotage, but also could be that she's trying decipher whether the relationship was actually good or too good to be true. Because she dealt with so much abuse prior she struggles to differentiate between a healthy attachment and a toxic attachment.
Am I supposed to feel badly about this?
We've talked about the repeat cycle! You also know that you are self observed.
I care about you, but it is hard to realize you know the patterns, and still fall into them. Well, walk back into them.
You are far more self aware than this. But over and over you do things.
Good luck! I wish you the best, and know you will find someone to take care of you, again.....that's the sad part. That and also resent for those who make you aware that the silent treatment gets you, nowhere.
Today's relationships are materialistic. Stay single stay happy. Love is a waste of time.
Am I the only one that thinks he's toxic and she shouldn't be trying to get back with him? Multiple red flags already 🚩 he said they could have a home together, then when she moved in he said no actually it's all mine 🚩 he liked to his children over her for decisions on their home 🚩v he talked over her 🚩 she should be getting therapy and work on herself, then look for healthy relationship.
As much as I love this content, I do have one critique. We need to normalize trauma. That doesn't mean we can dump on others or expect them to heal us. But we should not be shamed, in something we didn't have control over. Unfortunately, I hate when society tries to filter out norm to make themselves feel better
All women do this and call men uncaring, we are trying of jumping through hoops na ddevising methods to tactically help women who are clearly suffering from being with men who only abuse them. 😢. Had to tactically buy an item unanimously from my friend for her to be comfortable gettung money from me.