How to Find a Long-Term Relationship | Being Well Podcast
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ค. 2024
- On today's episode of Being Well, @RickHanson and I talk about how to maximize your chances of finding a fulfilling long-term relationship. We explore how to develop a clear intention of what you want, the key psychological skills that invite a healthy relationship, and how to market yourself authentically while dating.
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Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:40 What supports people in finding a long term partner?
4:30 Having a clear intention
8:35 Psychological skills to maximize our chances of finding a long-term relationship
12:05 Marketing and sorting through suspects
14:40 Intention expanded
22:30 Psychological skills expanded
22:55 A healthy sense of self worth
26:20 Being aware of your selection biases
29:50 Communication skills
34:30 Seeing the best in one another
37:00 Settling anxious and avoidant tendencies
41:30 Resting in presence with someone
42:50 Not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good
44:00 Marketing expanded
55:00 Authenticity
58:40 Recap
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson
Rick’s thoughtfulness astounds me each time. I learn so much from you both. Anticipate part 2 of this topic
The part where Rick talks about the steps of how a relationship progresses was so enlightening to me as an autistic person. It really answered a lot of questions for me. I cannot overstate how much plain, bottom up, mechanistic explanations of social experiences is helpful for me since that's primarily how I understand the world. The romantic flowery language never made sense to me but give me an instruction manual and I can build it.
I love you guys… It feels like a homecoming when I listen to you two.. as I’ve had a history of toxic relationships.
Rick it started with listening to you in which I learned a lot, and Forest I love what u bring and the collaboration and tenderness you hold on this space.
Love you both!! ❤
Thank you so much for this, Rick and Forrest, I'm looking forward to part 2. I'd like to add that the COVID pandemic has played a huge role in this whole endeavor (finding a relationship)--maybe in some ways made things harder, maybe in some ways given people long-needed clarity for this pursuit.
100%
Thank you for providing needed information from a variety of angles....adding metaphors, humor, psychology, and realistic expectations. I'm grateful to you both and love your podcasts/videos.🙏❣️🙌
I don’t feel comfortable dating people I don’t know well. This makes it difficult because it’s too slow for most men. I’d love to be married but I’m 36 and still single.
Same in terms of dating, but it's highly likely I'll stay single due to my own anxiety around romance
This is exquisite and so needed. Looking forward to part 2. Thank you so much.
Thanks man!
Holy buckets is this good advice
Thank you very much for this episode. I loved the meditation, and thank you Forrest for sharing your embarrassing moments, it actually really helps because everyone has such moments but we all think we are the only ones because we never talk about it.
Anyone else watching this like it’s a nature doc?
This is really great, and Rick's funnel picture is one that sounds pretty "classical" for this day and age, and a particular analogy that I didn't hear until I was an adult, from a friend who had grown up with it. But! I am someone who would never consider living with someone before marriage, and I do run into more people than I would have expected who also express that preference or intention...but it does seem that plenty of those people then feel adrift because if the "rungs of the ladder" that they might have ever heard from anyone involve making decisions involving living together or even having sex before getting to a wedding, it seems that they aren't able to restructure the ladder for themselves mentally, without those components, and so they feel like everything just breaks down and now they don't know what they're doing.
So in case it's helpful for anyone else, following the great analogy of the funnel, and also the idea of "which steps come next," here's what I grew up hearing, that I operate off of when also looking for someone who has the same basic understanding of the dating process:
-Two people (who would eventually end up married) will be in places in real life or over technology where they could find lots of single people, and they would be looking for people who they are attracted to, who also have a goal of ending up married
-Each of these people is free to go on a date with as many people "at the same time" as they wish, or as they get asked out for, with no pressure or expectation of being exclusive with anyone
-Anytime one future partner gets a date with someone and it goes well and they would be interested in going out again, they are free to ask for another date or accept a date if asked again
-Each person continues first-dating or repeat-dating people who they are interested in, until the time comes when both of them, in the process of getting to know each other, have a conversation and both decide they are actually interested in dating only each other (or, thinking ahead to marriage, even could be interested at this point in the idea of never dating anyone else but this person again for the duration of their life, presuming the marriage lasted the rest of their lives)...once they have this conversation, express the interest, and tell each other they won't date anyone else, then they are exclusive or "steady" or whatever
-No matter at which point a couple becomes exclusive, according to their individual and agreed-upon comfort levels, they may start to hold hands or kiss etc., but at whatever point a couple becomes exclusive, their living situations don't change and there is no consideration of staying the night or doing anything sexual. But now that they are exclusive, they may call each other boyfriend or girlfriend etc., and maybe tell their own families they "are dating" someone, or plan to meet each other's families and friends if that hasn't happened before, etc., and the funnel has narrowed all dating prospects down to one person. Rather than planning to have a date (with anyone) once a week or dating this same person in particular every week for several weeks in a row (like may have happened before exclusivity), now the couple may end up spending more time together during a week, or seeing each other for some amount of time every day, or spending many more hours at a time together when they do get together than they would have just for one couple-hours-long date previously. And the rungs on the ladder now are specifically leading toward an assumed proposal and engagement as soon as could reasonably be planned and executed, unless, as they keep dating and learning more about each other, one or both people find out one or more things that are dealbreakers and decide that no, actually it's not going to work out for us to actually have that wedding and plan to be married for any length of time afterward after all.
-Now, just like when someone is house hunting and they are seriously considering one house, but there's a process to go through between deciding on that house and actually being handed keys and being told the house is yours, all dating and planned dates and time spent together for a couple between becoming exclusive and an engagement is in service of finding out the real-life logistics and details of what it will be like to live with this person and be married; so just like you'd be finding out all the details of a house and neighborhood, and getting a house inspection and deciding what repairs need to be made or what you will be living with and deciding you're okay with that, and so on, when a couple is exclusive, they will finish seeing each other in different environments and attitudes and around various people and finish meeting friends and families and seeing how disagreements go when they pop up. And at any time that one or both of them decide never mind, then the breakup happens and the whole process starts over again from the bottom of the ladder. But if dates keep happening and there are no dealbreakers, then at some point one person proposes and presumably the other accepts...and the engagement simply lasts as long as it takes to schedule a wedding and get everyone in the same place and make the wedding happen, although dating and getting to know each other is still happening during the engagement also, and again, if a dealbreaker comes up, then a breakup happens. But the couple still lives apart and nothing sexual happens until after the wedding.
-If the wedding is achieved, then the living together and sex can commence.
Hopefully this might give someone a picture of the process of things when cohabitation or premarital sex aren't part of the ladder.
Great summary. I wish it was still like this nowadays.
This whole process assumes that the woman is still a virgin.
If she's not, then it's a red flag if she makes the man wait until marriage. Because it means she was more attracted to an earlier partner than her current one, which means he's not her preferred option, which increases the likelihood for cheating and her fantasizing about her earlier partner who was her most desired option.
Also, I would add to the process you outlined that it should be the woman who asks for exclusivity and the man who proposes.
Otherwise it's a red flag for the relationship.
Because women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment.
If the man asks for exclusivity, it's usually because he has no other options and is needy. If the woman proposes, it's usually because she feels she has no other options and appears needy.
For the marriage to be maximally stable, both partners ideally feel like they found their best possible option they could attract, so that they are equally attracted.
If one partner has less options than the other, it's imbalanced and unstable and they won't be securely attached.
This is amazing, I never heard anyone bring these direct topics up. Thank you❤
Great episode thank you both so much! ✨️ Realising how intentional I have been in all areas of my life, apart from relationships is an eye opener! Really looking forward to doing the blocks/limiting beliefs meditation 💚
Also I'm leaving the recurring quest here...for good 😅
Wow❤@27:40
And later: the stress on being able to seek truth together is essential.
Wonderful, systematic explanation as usual
Thankyou
Yes, have her back! This was so good. Yet again. I Love this and keep wanting so much more. I wish I could do my own healing work with Dr. Hillary for this very reason. She is a highly attuned, attatched other which is the safe place I've never had, and need to work thru my own complex web of ongoing interpersonal trauma.
Your guys work is exceptional. I’m curious if you guys could touch on attraction. I’m realizing, in healing my avoidant attachment, I struggle to feel anything with those who are vulnerable. So curious if (at all) there are solutions in parts therapy to cultivating enthusiasm for wonderful prospects.
I just discovered this podcast today. Wonderful content and love that you guys are a dad and son duo, so cool.
In attempting to make sense of relationship confusion, what causes so much pain that it borders on nausea? I keep revisiting the circumstances (repeated avoidant behavior/cancellation by friend, of our plans) - - I revisit circumstances to understand. And I experience intense pain.
The repetition compulsion
I didn’t understand the part where you figure out “What’s between him and I”
Help me understand this more please?
The releasing of obstructions, releasing and receiving…
I personally want a Christian man that prays without ceasing
The thumbnail is a little misleading 🥴❤
NOT THE UNABOMBER
People leave you how they found you.
😮