Making myself slow down, literally forcing myself to do less, rest more, practice self care has really been helping step off the cycle where I push myself too much, get sick, then push myself again to try and catch up as soon as I’m feeling better. Tuning in to how I’m feeling has really helped. ❤
Forzarme a cambiar de sexo porque lo decís vosotros,nadie me va a forzar a nada quien creéis que sois para decidir mi género ?no sois nadie con ese derecho
My mother told me a few months back that it was my purpose to take care of other people. Like it was my calling or something. She literally had convinced herself that it was ok that I had sacrificed so much of my life and put other people first and done so much for her specifically because this was my calling. It’s like thanks for deciding that for me mom. I guess you don’t have to feel guilty for all that you’ve taken from me because you have decided this.
Your calling will full-fill you and make you feel good, that I learned a little ago. And that is a good answer to people "giving you" your call. Lots of hugs, every person endouring that pain deserves love ❤ Take the necessary distance, it can save you
Feel this hardcore. My mom always said I was given to her by God to show her how much he loved her. I never realized how much pressure this put on me/ how toxic this was until the last couple years. And I'm 43. 🤦♀️
I had to leave my (now ex) husband to be able to stop over functioning. He literally told me thag refusing to work myself sick anymore and perform/provide entertainment for him was abusive. I told him if he felt i was abusive he needed to get himself to safety. He was shocked. He had expected me to fall in line when he accused me of abuse and backpedaled immediately but i insisted on his safety so it really backfired. Once he was physically gone i never wanted him back. That was the sign i was really ready to leave toxic relationships behind
I feel like I wasn't taught basic human-ing as a child. I'm having to learn these childhood things later in life. It sucks, but it's my life. I am a very compassionate, loving, and kind person....to everyone else even strangers. But, I have trouble extending it to myself & my mother
Trying not to feel bad for having boundaries and standing up for myself. When my husband tells me he hasn’t eaten all day I tell him that it is not my fault. While I still kind of feel bad it’s a slow process to stand up for myself.
@@angelinparadise7282 If you are alive you have the opportinuty to keep learning. Probably, just know you can ask yourself and that is ok. I calabrate that now, we can be in the right path ❤
I’m done fixing anybody else’s problems and I am prioritising myself. It takes practice to stay consistent but it’s worth it. Thank you for the reminder ❤
I was third of 7 children and a very parentified daughter. I was homeschooled so home all day with my mentally ill mother and younger siblings. Dad was a stressed, angry, workaholic who drove truck and wasn't very involved. I've recently been reading my journals and when I was 13 I was making multiple meals per week, baking homemade bread about every 10 days, and meeting many other physical and emotional needs my littlest siblings had. This continued until I moved out at 19. I struggle so much now as an adult with the "go, go, go" Dr Nicole is talking about here, as well as urges to fix and caretake others. And my struggle is that I now have 4 other children of my own (including a little baby who was an unplanned surprise), marriage problems, and a struggling spouse who's involvement is very limited, so here I am living out some of the very same patterns... My situation makes it that much more challenging to change because my environment strongly supports the continuation of the patterns. But I am trying!! 💪 If you could speak on how to heal pontification if you are now a parent to young children that would be great. Specifically single moms since that's pretty much my situation.
Thank-you for this Dr. Nicole. Can you please talk about Parentified Adults feeling unintentional hatredness towards their parents. I do not want to feel that but i feel it. And that itself is making me feel guilty. I feel I'm an ungrateful child to feel like that towards my parents.
I felt that too and didn't understand why. So I took a break from interacting with them. After several months I started healing in ways I didn't know were hurt. Eventually I became healthy enough to really think about what happened, write it down, and talk to my therapist. I slowly realized that my anger was real, honest, and good. It was my honest reaction to being harmed. Anger can keep us safe. Now I listen to my anger, journal about it, and move away from things that harm me much more quickly than before.
I know what you mean. But even to feel hate is okay! Every emotion has a purpose, and it's easier to accept it than to fight it. You are grieving the life you couldn't have. You were a child and EVERY child has a RIGHT to be and feel loved and secure and cared for. Don't feel guilty for wanting those things. Emotions are the alarm lights and guides to our needs, so ask yourself: when I feel that way, what do I need? Hate or more anger are no 'bad' emotions. There's a meaningful reason for them, and the answer is inside yourself, so try to listen to your body and what your soul is trying to show you 😊 Anger is truly useful! You need anger to disconnect and protect yourself from those who had or will harm you. It'll help to set boundaries in the future and to not be used anymore, to identify what you don't want to do! It's a protection skill and maybe feels foreign first because as a victim of parentification, you're not used to it. It's part of you, so it is OK, because YOU are okay just the way you are! So 🫂 & welcome your anger as a 'brother in arms' & something very useful. You'll get to know it and how to confide in it and let go of it if you will learn to look at and analyse it. Journaling and meditation can help to understand the roots of anger and to process it, and finally let go. To talk about it helps. To punch a pillow, screaming, to hear and sing to loud music... look into healthy ways to let it be, regulate and let it go. (Something parents should have told & educated us about in the past, if they would have been the parents that we really deserved!) What wants the anger from me? What is it that it wants me to do? Maybe to reflect on things our parents did to us. Maybe to speak out about what went wrong. To get an apology? To grieve for the life we didn't have, the life we should have had. To console ourselves. Anger can mask grieve or be a part of the process, the road which ultimatively will lead to acceptance. (The five stages of grief) So please show yourself mercy for feeling that way. You're on your way to healing, and anger is just one part of the road! You'll see. The best of luck and best wishes ❤
I had to scream at people that I was done. Literally, just done. And I kept saying no and staying home. And you know what? It gets boring and lonely, but it's better than the drama. Thank you for the video!
Thank you for those three steps. Yes I am parentified. My counsellor said my boundaries were fluid. The people around me keep pushing to get their own way. But I am getting much better at not giving in. The fear was holding me back.
Maybe it would be even more helpful to add another step about what to do when you start setting boundaries with toxic people. In my case, the more i connected within, knowing my truth and started to set boundaries around it, the more i got the external rejection and i was met with anger and aggressive responses. I thought there was something wrong with me, or with the way i communicate (although i was always polite, firm and caring in my request), but then i realized these people were true narcissists who didnt like that i became empowered and they couldnt manipulate me anymore. They said i was egoistic and mean setting these boundaries, but that actually meant that i stopped allowing them to deplete me.
@@21cormorants one of these toxic people that i mentioned is my brother too. After years of trying to maintain relationship between us as harmonious as possible but realizing that i am the only one who puts the effort into it, i had to face the truth and let him go. He was disrespectful and blamed me, just as your brother did to you too. So now i am at peace with full detachment from him. Yesterday was his birthday and i didnt send him any message. I am now looking for my true family, for soulful connections that are equal in giving and taking.
My oldest sister was parentified (from a family of 3 girls and 1 boy), myself being the youngest, so this info helps me to choose to soften towards her because I understand more rather than blame or criticize. Ty❤
Holy crap… since being in CBT…. This is what I focus on and what I do to heal… but it’s so true.. just for me to stop… and ask myself “hey, before I people please… before I jump… how do I feel about this?” It’s revolutionary… and NO - usually, I don’t have the desire or energy to do the thing… the immediate consideration of others is there… but I don’t go there without stopping now… and not being in fight or flight…. Being at peace? Sometimes I think I’m bored… then I realize I’m at peace… and I’m learning about setting boundaries… external… and internal (not letting the jerks get to me… it’s not personal). This has been the most difficult… but is immediately helpful…
Super hard as a parent of 3 kids, 2 now adults, to have recently begun to understand my own parentification when i was a child, and how i parentified my own kids. So i am now balancing my own actual being a parent with de-parentifying my own self, and them in turn. And also my little ten year old i hope to have stopped his parentification in its tracks
You have no idea how great it is to see that you were able to recognize that you parentfied your kids and you are making the effort to turn this around 👏🫶 So many parents just go into denial.
if you can, send your adult kids helpful resources for it, especially if theyre struggling with the after effects of it. also see if theres a way to apologize, if its appropriate
I realize now why I crave being alone. For years I couldn't stand to be alone. In fact my favorite genre of movies are zombie/ apocalyptic. Why? Because everyone is dead. No one can ask you for anything. I felt terrible because I felt extreme joy during covid while others felt alone. I never wanted the social distancing to end once it began. I couldn't figure why. Well I was a parentified child and used to doing everything for everyone just like my mother. The problem is she gets joy from being the martyr. I want no part of it. I just want to be alone. That's all I want now. No friends, no family. Just me and my hubby. If he goes before me I will NEVER remarry. I enjoy being alone far too much. People push the "we're human. We need connection" narrative way too much. Frankly, it's not true at all. I bought into it for years. People only push the connection narrative because THEY need others to use and abuse. It's not just about setting boundaries. It's about realizing you are strong, capable and don't need others. I enjoy time with myself far too much to want to go back to that life.
Getting to know myself truly. What I need? Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Not having to be busy every moment of the day. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Also, I realize that it's ok to be loved just simply for being me and not what I provide.
I've only just realised I was a parentified child. Which makes sense given I'm a natural caregiver, I was boundaryless and powerless to everyone around me, especially romantic partners. I'm now starting to get to know and put my needs first, set boundaries and carve out time for me where I can focus solely on me. I'm learning I am important to myself. That I deserve the care I give to others so freely and often times don't get back in the way I need (which I take responsibility for, not knowing my needs and unable to share these needs with others). I'm also beginning to connect with my body, and notice I don't say reconnect, because for as long as I can remember I have been dissociated. I'm so grateful to have the freedom where I'm able to be self aware and work through my past and be the parent to myself I never received from my actual parents. Thank you for all that you and Jenna do ❤️❤️
thank you for this video, just had to listen to it twice. the steps may seem small, but to me they are HUGE! how do I feel? I first have to let feelings come, be ok with feelings and try to name them plan downtime? am I even worthy of having some time for me? boundaries? just getting to know this concept, and I'm in my mid 40ties. this is really hard.
Feeling guilty when saying ‘no’ to someone or something is the hardest part for me. I know that I’m doing the right thing but I’m feeling the opposite. I recently told an acquaintance that I don’t have time to meet them. Of course I felt guilty for saying no but what I just realized after watching the video is, that my thoughts are constantly around this incident: I wonder wether they were upset or what they think of me now. Now that I think about it; I’ve been spending a lot of my energy with subconsciously dodging these upcoming worries since a week or two. And this is just an example for many similar situations.
I hear you loud & clear. I have these exact feelings. I feel guilty showing myself self love 😢 we will improve through Dr. Nicole's video's. You/we are worthy of all 3! Good luck 🫂🫂🫂
This video made me so emotional! It's like you're talking directly to me, Nicole. I'm on a journey creating boundaries with siblings who I've previously thought I needed to save/fix. An area I'm giving attention to is about balancing boundary setting with knowing when I have capacity to genuinely offer care/support. Like the difference between having nothing in the tank, sighing and just offering support to stop the guilty feelings, or sighing and offering support because I actually do have something in the tank to offer. Or like, sometimes I have this desire to not offer them support, even if I do feel resourced, to just show them the boundaries that I am working on.. Not in a spiteful way or a way that would be harmful to them.. Anyway your video is helping me make sense of it. Thank you
I’m at the beginning of my journey, so I am having a rough time with it. I have such a harsh inner monologue/drive on myself that i feel suffocated by it often. I dont treat the ones around me with that though, its hypocritical, honestly. My sense of self is almost non-existent and that scares the hell out of me sometimes. Going to read through the comments to get more tips. Thank you for this video ❤
Thank you as always Nicole for your videos! I’ve been finding your shorts, especially helpful recently for identifying what I’ve gone through, and I’m still in someways going through in my relationship with my mother. The last part on boundaries is still something I’m working through. I find that I’m somebody who is a hard worker and find joy in what I do, so I’m always considered first for things. But I’ve learned recently that I need to say no and put more work towards things I want to do, rather than people asking me for help last minute or because they know I’ll show up. The more I practice saying no and putting myself and my wants first, the easier it gets and the lighter I feel 😊
I'm working on this in therapy. Setting boundaries is still hard, and saying no is harder, but I'm slowly getting better at it. The hardest question to answer from my counsellor is, "What do you want?" After a Catholic upbringing, parentification, abuse, trauma, 20 years fighting for survival and a late autism & ADHD diagnosis, I don't even know. But I'm trying to figure it out. Taking up sewing, and learning to make clothes for myself that I love, has been very healing.
Thank you for the video and reminders to stay on track. It showed me how far I've come on the way to healing and reminds me of what the goals are. I'm pretty good at points 1 and 2 so far, point 3 is functioning fine with people I trust but still hard on strangers. So it's the point I'll have to practice 😅 The guilty feelings are still there saying 'No' to someone. There is a book I think it's called 'Don't say Yes if you want to say No.' So I learned that saying No to someone else can be viewed as saying Yes to myself. 😊
@@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you for your kind reply! What an honour! It's funny, I went to see a doctor today (throat pain) and I made it halfway through your Book in the German translation, while sitting in the waiting room 😅 So concentration is getting better, too, thanks to your inspiration 😊❤ I really appreciate your way of describing the things we feel and are or were experiencing! It makes me feel seen and heard ❤
When my wife and I began dating she helped me to get out of parentification and when we got married she still helped because as a kid I had to grow up fast and basically I was the one that took care of my younger brother (hence why he will listen to my advice faster than our parents advice) and basically raised him. Sure our parents worked and payed the bills and bought the groceries but I did a lot of the work taking care of him and helping him through things so it really took a lot of work for me to get to a point where I was letting him grow up and letting myself have rest and focus on me and my wife and our responsibilities and relationship
I had a therapist years ago who asked me to sit in front of a mirror and look into my own eyes…30 years later and I still can’t do it I can glance at them, but looking into means for a length of time I can’t do it… I cannot identify my own feelings , mum used to say listen to your gut that’s your intuition still not found it… then she’d say just get over it… I recognize that my parents both had difficulties in childhood but when I was 6 after the first bout of sexual abuse I asked God not to let me have children… and he didn’t and I am sad but extremely grateful he heard me, because I know I would probably have continued the cycle. I appreciate the videos and I do watch them with glee that finally I might heal but I just don’t see me… but I do appreciate your work …👍🏻
Parentification seems to me …As another buzz word meant to tear down structures. Modern therapy tears down family units and sparks narcissistic tendencies. Modern therapy takes out the equation of empathy for others, and sets the tone for selfishness. One of our lessons in life is to heal others along with ourselves. To see people for who they are…seeing the blessings instead of the faults. We can soften terms and not explode with hostile terms like boundaries to shove people away. We can say I need a moment to settle myself can we talk later? Modern therapy puts the emotion first. Igniting a sense of victimization. I teach love as the guide not boundaries. I use tools of empathy, forgiveness and inner power. Not things I learned in school designed to destroy relationships.
It was an aha-moment when I heard about self attunement, to start taking interest in our own feelings. All the small feelings too, everyday! I'm 40 years old and I understood this like a week ago 😅
It is difficult to find balance. After having been in the role of the empath, caretaker and fixer for many years but getting abandoned when I needed help, I am empty now. I have nothing left to give, don't want any company or connection. It's as if I can't even connect to other people anymore. I feel like an alien.
Question for the comment section: does anybody else end up filling their down time with food? I want to slow down, but it's like my body only acknowledges pauses to be for eating. I've been trying to rest without eating, but no much luck yet if I want to do nothing with my hands or mind. So, I end up not resting just to keep my weight in check 😬
I have found that we often use food for comfort. I'm sorry you're struggling with that. The negative energy is within us and we are trying to avoid it.. Often when we can not face the inner turmoil, define it, define what we want, how we feel... we seek to quell these feelings of angst with food, sex, or substance. Caring for ourself or resting doesn't have to be sedentary. We can take up practices that are restful and nourishing, in themselves. Somatic yoga or pilates, meditation, movement that you enjoy such as dance, walking or hiking in nature, Tai chi, swimming.... just do what you enjoy. We can read a book or simply sit with a beverage and watch life for a while. Being in nature is by far, the best modality of resting the spirit. You can change your diet and your relationship with food. If you're concerned about your weight you can try intermittent fasting (talk to a doctor first for your safety because I don't know you) and remove all processed foods from your diet. You'll have more energy, clearer skin, better weight management, better blood sugar levels, and a better mood in a few short months. The gut micobiome is linked to the brain, and the correlation between our fuel and our mental health is, quite honestly, astounding. I'd also recommend becoming a student of Mind Valley. There's lots of free stuff. 🫂
Most difficult is trusting that the middle kids and youngest siblings in birth order can grow up to be competent and reliable friends, partners, co-workers who can care for me, sometimes. The oldest daughter. They are not so great at it.
So let's don't depend on them anymore. There's help outside of family context if you need it. Professional help that will help you to learn to trust and rely on yourself instead of others. Don't expect them to be caregivers just because you cared for them in the past. Be responsible for your own needs and tend to them on your own. It's a hard lesson to learn but a necessary one. Let them go and live their own life like you're living yours.
@@Jasonslittlesister1 I do not have siblings myself. I meant folx who are not first born daughters in an Alfred Alder birth order type of way. Relying on myself only and not having a way to develop interdependance with people who are trustworthy has been a constant theme in my 27 years of therapy. It remains the hardest thing. I want to do EVERYTHING myself. Cause I don’t believe others can be component, as well.
Hi … thanks for this and the previous video, it opened me to a space I always wondered why I felt a certain way. I would also wanna ask your guidance on how I make sure I do not bring this experience onto my kids with or without my knowledge
These last two videos about parentification have really opened my eyes to how I am shifting. Feeling the guilt but doing it (putting myself first) anyways. Sometimes I still say yes and end up flaking out or changing my mind and leaving people hanging. It’s kind of messy…
My younger sisters were more mothers to me than my mom ever was so the whole family had to adapt and parent each other. I was just thinking about this today. If I needed anything I would call my younger sister before I would call my mom. I have left my sister and my mom in no contact for years because my mom would keep telling her to help me and my sister would always do it. It's better for them to both focus on theirselves. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to get the mother I wanted and needed.
I'm 47 years and am still running for now reason..even though my narrasstic mam passed away from 5 years ago I can't find love..never been married..My health is not so good..I losing my faith in any thing.. Sometimes I hope I never been born to this sick family..I raised my little brother when I was16 yand at age of 22 I became a mom for my niece coz she lost her mom in a car accedint..now i hate childrens i can't help it .. I am so lonely..and sick from many trauma i just want to die to begin anew life in a good family next generation
I’m healing ❤️🩹 from being a parentified child and years of therapy getting in Touch with my inner child getting use to the feeling of being carefree without feeling guilty is such a good 😌 feeling and I watch your videos and read your books 📚 and instagram posts
so here's where i fall off the rails - yes i was somewhat parentified. but then iended up with 3 neurodivergent children, 2 of which ended up actively suicidal, one at 9 and one at 16. the oldest is estranged and other 2 are at home not launched. i still feel like its absolutely my job to try to fix it all. i dont push myself to do it all at once, and then of course i feel guilty about it taking too long, but i'm coping as best i can . . . but my mom is 89 and out of town and i'll probably inherit her dog soon and my completely abusive disabled sister when my mom passes . . ugg.
I don't know how to do this while living with my mother. Whenever I establish boundaries or have some time for myself she finds excuses to cross that and when I talk to her about her behaviour she reacts emotionally (raising voice then crying) I feel like I'm becoming emotionally numb each day and giving up on my hopes and dreams.
🤯 all my children are adults. I wish I could have known this sooner 😂 better late than never though. At least it’s not too late to learn to enjoy the rest of my life 🎉
This is hard for me bc even though I'm burnt out now, I'm scared that if I slow down I will get fired, and I'm already underpaid and have no savings. 😢
I need help from you. Whenever I talk to my parents, all I hear is them blaming me like thats not true, your wrong, thats not really how it is. I end up more frustrated, angry and feel like I cant say anything. They make me not want to communicate with them
What??? Can I have my own plans? My own plans, first? Shouldn't I wait and see what plans and needs, even preferences, others have first, and then perhaps plan something myself, if they perhaps get to do something more improtant, nicer, interesting *without me* - which then happens to free me to do something that I'd preferred, if somebody's more important needs would not show up, which is of course is more more urgent. I'm always in kind of an ER mode, it seems, and always thinking of a priority list of needs - I can tell somebody no, if a need higher in the hierachy has to come first. I'm really a beginner in expressing and standing up for my needs, but it comes only after health issues that force me to think about what a burden I'd be if I don't manage them so I keep up my independence and save some energy and care for myself. Some plan Xmas in September, but we tend to wait and see, what "the others" will do, before we make the definite decissions - and when I've tried to do otherwise, be sure someone accused me/us of selfishness or being inconsiderate or unfair. And be sure that every Xmas is tinted with feelings of guilt. (We are a couple of the eldest brother and the eldest sister...) However I have as long I can remember been dreaming of quiet, harmonious, tension-free Xmases, shoulld be possible by proactive planning and taking well-ahead known taking turns, but nooo... Thank you, Dr Nicole, for food for thought. I realised something about me and planning (avoiding planning and not sticking to goals of my own). I realised something tragicomic...
What do you call the child who was forced to live the parents dreams, neglected and abused in-between? I was also the clean up crew, maid and the do girl
Terms are there for understanding, if it doesnt resonate or isnt helpful then its not for you. My husband was forced to be a parent/surrogate spouse for his parents and I am learning how to help him. This is helpful for me, I dont care how it sounds.
I love your channel but using click-baity headlines makes me trust channels less. “The phrase you say the moment before your brain shuts down!” “THIS ONE ingredient is a game changer!” “This test alone will tell you if you’re toxic!” I really dislike a call to action that sounds like a life changing revelation. Just tell us what the content is about. I’ll approach it with an open mind. 🌺
Making myself slow down, literally forcing myself to do less, rest more, practice self care has really been helping step off the cycle where I push myself too much, get sick, then push myself again to try and catch up as soon as I’m feeling better. Tuning in to how I’m feeling has really helped. ❤
Thanks for sharing this 💜
Powerful work you've been doing, Elena. Thanks for sharing.
@ 50 I’m exhausted I don’t have any energy at all anymore
Forzarme a cambiar de sexo porque lo decís vosotros,nadie me va a forzar a nada quien creéis que sois para decidir mi género ?no sois nadie con ese derecho
My mother told me a few months back that it was my purpose to take care of other people. Like it was my calling or something. She literally had convinced herself that it was ok that I had sacrificed so much of my life and put other people first and done so much for her specifically because this was my calling. It’s like thanks for deciding that for me mom. I guess you don’t have to feel guilty for all that you’ve taken from me because you have decided this.
Your calling will full-fill you and make you feel good, that I learned a little ago. And that is a good answer to people "giving you" your call. Lots of hugs, every person endouring that pain deserves love ❤
Take the necessary distance, it can save you
Feel this hardcore. My mom always said I was given to her by God to show her how much he loved her. I never realized how much pressure this put on me/ how toxic this was until the last couple years. And I'm 43. 🤦♀️
@@B3l0v3d05 Homie you need a hug 🫂
I had to leave my (now ex) husband to be able to stop over functioning. He literally told me thag refusing to work myself sick anymore and perform/provide entertainment for him was abusive. I told him if he felt i was abusive he needed to get himself to safety. He was shocked. He had expected me to fall in line when he accused me of abuse and backpedaled immediately but i insisted on his safety so it really backfired. Once he was physically gone i never wanted him back. That was the sign i was really ready to leave toxic relationships behind
Hey, good for you.
Appreciate you sharing your experience and resonance with this video!
❤❤❤❤
I feel like I wasn't taught basic human-ing as a child. I'm having to learn these childhood things later in life. It sucks, but it's my life.
I am a very compassionate, loving, and kind person....to everyone else even strangers. But, I have trouble extending it to myself & my mother
Yeah, lack of human-ing. We never were treated like human beings we were treated like unfeeling robots who had to perform no matter what.
Trying not to feel bad for having boundaries and standing up for myself. When my husband tells me he hasn’t eaten all day I tell him that it is not my fault. While I still kind of feel bad it’s a slow process to stand up for myself.
1:21 been so parentified that I couldn't answer what I felt or what I wanted when my therapist asked me.
Same. I've been so used to feel I had to please people that I'm over 30 and have no idea what I like or want
Me too 😓💔
@@angelinparadise7282 If you are alive you have the opportinuty to keep learning. Probably, just know you can ask yourself and that is ok. I calabrate that now, we can be in the right path ❤
I’m done fixing anybody else’s problems and I am prioritising myself. It takes practice to stay consistent but it’s worth it. Thank you for the reminder ❤
And it's even more fair to others to not interfere with their lives. Letting them be responsible for their lives.
Proud of you! It is so worth it. You're welcome! Thank YOU for being here.
I was third of 7 children and a very parentified daughter. I was homeschooled so home all day with my mentally ill mother and younger siblings. Dad was a stressed, angry, workaholic who drove truck and wasn't very involved. I've recently been reading my journals and when I was 13 I was making multiple meals per week, baking homemade bread about every 10 days, and meeting many other physical and emotional needs my littlest siblings had. This continued until I moved out at 19. I struggle so much now as an adult with the "go, go, go" Dr Nicole is talking about here, as well as urges to fix and caretake others. And my struggle is that I now have 4 other children of my own (including a little baby who was an unplanned surprise), marriage problems, and a struggling spouse who's involvement is very limited, so here I am living out some of the very same patterns... My situation makes it that much more challenging to change because my environment strongly supports the continuation of the patterns. But I am trying!! 💪 If you could speak on how to heal pontification if you are now a parent to young children that would be great. Specifically single moms since that's pretty much my situation.
Thank-you for this Dr. Nicole.
Can you please talk about Parentified Adults feeling unintentional hatredness towards their parents. I do not want to feel that but i feel it. And that itself is making me feel guilty. I feel I'm an ungrateful child to feel like that towards my parents.
Wow, same here. You put my thoughts into words
Same here
I felt that too and didn't understand why. So I took a break from interacting with them. After several months I started healing in ways I didn't know were hurt. Eventually I became healthy enough to really think about what happened, write it down, and talk to my therapist. I slowly realized that my anger was real, honest, and good. It was my honest reaction to being harmed. Anger can keep us safe. Now I listen to my anger, journal about it, and move away from things that harm me much more quickly than before.
I know what you mean. But even to feel hate is okay!
Every emotion has a purpose, and it's easier to accept it than to fight it. You are grieving the life you couldn't have. You were a child and EVERY child has a RIGHT to be and feel loved and secure and cared for. Don't feel guilty for wanting those things.
Emotions are the alarm lights and guides to our needs, so ask yourself: when I feel that way, what do I need?
Hate or more anger are no 'bad' emotions. There's a meaningful reason for them, and the answer is inside yourself, so try to listen to your body and what your soul is trying to show you 😊
Anger is truly useful! You need anger to disconnect and protect
yourself from those who had or will harm you.
It'll help to set boundaries in the future and to not be used anymore, to identify what you don't want to do!
It's a protection skill and maybe feels foreign first because as a victim of parentification, you're not used to it.
It's part of you, so it is OK, because YOU are okay just the way you are!
So 🫂 & welcome your anger as a 'brother in arms' & something very useful.
You'll get to know it and how to confide in it and let go of it if you will learn to look at and analyse it.
Journaling and meditation can help to understand the roots of anger and to process it, and finally let go. To talk about it helps. To punch a pillow, screaming, to hear and sing to loud music... look into healthy ways to let it be, regulate and let it go.
(Something parents should have told & educated us about in the past, if they would have been the parents that we really deserved!)
What wants the anger from me? What is it that it wants me to do?
Maybe to reflect on things our parents did to us. Maybe to speak out about what went wrong. To get an apology? To grieve for the life we didn't have, the life we should have had. To console ourselves.
Anger can mask grieve or be a part of the process, the road which ultimatively will lead to acceptance.
(The five stages of grief)
So please show yourself mercy for feeling that way. You're on your way to healing, and anger is just one part of the road! You'll see.
The best of luck and best wishes ❤
@@earnestlanguage4242wonderfully said ❤ I'm so glad you found a way to 🫂 it! Beautifully described ❤
I had to scream at people that I was done. Literally, just done. And I kept saying no and staying home. And you know what? It gets boring and lonely, but it's better than the drama. Thank you for the video!
Thank you for those three steps. Yes I am parentified. My counsellor said my boundaries were fluid. The people around me keep pushing to get their own way. But I am getting much better at not giving in. The fear was holding me back.
So glad to hear you are getting much better at not giving in. Thanks so much for sharing.
Maybe it would be even more helpful to add another step about what to do when you start setting boundaries with toxic people. In my case, the more i connected within, knowing my truth and started to set boundaries around it, the more i got the external rejection and i was met with anger and aggressive responses. I thought there was something wrong with me, or with the way i communicate (although i was always polite, firm and caring in my request), but then i realized these people were true narcissists who didnt like that i became empowered and they couldnt manipulate me anymore. They said i was egoistic and mean setting these boundaries, but that actually meant that i stopped allowing them to deplete me.
@@21cormorants one of these toxic people that i mentioned is my brother too. After years of trying to maintain relationship between us as harmonious as possible but realizing that i am the only one who puts the effort into it, i had to face the truth and let him go. He was disrespectful and blamed me, just as your brother did to you too. So now i am at peace with full detachment from him. Yesterday was his birthday and i didnt send him any message. I am now looking for my true family, for soulful connections that are equal in giving and taking.
Appreciate you sharing this feedback of what you are needing on your journey. I've noted!
Yes I was told I was vain for when I started taking care of myself and not jumping through hoops.
@@dumitriudanielaI’m going through the same thing. I call it decluttering! And it is such a relief to get away from the stress
My oldest sister was parentified (from a family of 3 girls and 1 boy), myself being the youngest, so this info helps me to choose to soften towards her because I understand more rather than blame or criticize. Ty❤
Holy crap… since being in CBT…. This is what I focus on and what I do to heal… but it’s so true.. just for me to stop… and ask myself “hey, before I people please… before I jump… how do I feel about this?” It’s revolutionary… and NO - usually, I don’t have the desire or energy to do the thing… the immediate consideration of others is there… but I don’t go there without stopping now… and not being in fight or flight…. Being at peace? Sometimes I think I’m bored… then I realize I’m at peace… and I’m learning about setting boundaries… external… and internal (not letting the jerks get to me… it’s not personal). This has been the most difficult… but is immediately helpful…
You're doing such impactful work! Thanks so much for sharing.
Super hard as a parent of 3 kids, 2 now adults, to have recently begun to understand my own parentification when i was a child, and how i parentified my own kids. So i am now balancing my own actual being a parent with de-parentifying my own self, and them in turn. And also my little ten year old i hope to have stopped his parentification in its tracks
You have no idea how great it is to see that you were able to recognize that you parentfied your kids and you are making the effort to turn this around 👏🫶 So many parents just go into denial.
This is called breaking generational curses or cycles.
Well done. Hang in there and keep up the good work, remembering to be kind and gentle with yourself as you are learning. 🙂🙂
if you can, send your adult kids helpful resources for it, especially if theyre struggling with the after effects of it. also see if theres a way to apologize, if its appropriate
Boundaries were and are still HUGE. 4. Me.
Boundaries are so important! Thanks so much for sharing.
I realize now why I crave being alone. For years I couldn't stand to be alone. In fact my favorite genre of movies are zombie/ apocalyptic. Why? Because everyone is dead. No one can ask you for anything. I felt terrible because I felt extreme joy during covid while others felt alone. I never wanted the social distancing to end once it began. I couldn't figure why. Well I was a parentified child and used to doing everything for everyone just like my mother. The problem is she gets joy from being the martyr. I want no part of it. I just want to be alone. That's all I want now. No friends, no family. Just me and my hubby. If he goes before me I will NEVER remarry. I enjoy being alone far too much. People push the "we're human. We need connection" narrative way too much. Frankly, it's not true at all. I bought into it for years. People only push the connection narrative because THEY need others to use and abuse. It's not just about setting boundaries. It's about realizing you are strong, capable and don't need others. I enjoy time with myself far too much to want to go back to that life.
Getting to know myself truly. What I need? Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Not having to be busy every moment of the day. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Also, I realize that it's ok to be loved just simply for being me and not what I provide.
Appreciate you taking time to share.
I've only just realised I was a parentified child. Which makes sense given I'm a natural caregiver, I was boundaryless and powerless to everyone around me, especially romantic partners. I'm now starting to get to know and put my needs first, set boundaries and carve out time for me where I can focus solely on me. I'm learning I am important to myself. That I deserve the care I give to others so freely and often times don't get back in the way I need (which I take responsibility for, not knowing my needs and unable to share these needs with others). I'm also beginning to connect with my body, and notice I don't say reconnect, because for as long as I can remember I have been dissociated. I'm so grateful to have the freedom where I'm able to be self aware and work through my past and be the parent to myself I never received from my actual parents. Thank you for all that you and Jenna do ❤️❤️
thank you for this video, just had to listen to it twice. the steps may seem small, but to me they are HUGE!
how do I feel? I first have to let feelings come, be ok with feelings and try to name them
plan downtime? am I even worthy of having some time for me?
boundaries? just getting to know this concept, and I'm in my mid 40ties. this is really hard.
Thank YOU for being here!
Feeling guilty when saying ‘no’ to someone or something is the hardest part for me.
I know that I’m doing the right thing but I’m feeling the opposite.
I recently told an acquaintance that I don’t have time to meet them. Of course I felt guilty for saying no but what I just realized after watching the video is, that my thoughts are constantly around this incident: I wonder wether they were upset or what they think of me now. Now that I think about it; I’ve been spending a lot of my energy with subconsciously dodging these upcoming worries since a week or two. And this is just an example for many similar situations.
My inner critic / superego is off the charts with impatience and wanting to improve!
I hear you loud & clear. I have these exact feelings. I feel guilty showing myself self love 😢 we will improve through Dr. Nicole's video's. You/we are worthy of all 3! Good luck 🫂🫂🫂
Thank you for sharing your awareness of your feelings. Sending lots of love your way.❤
This video made me so emotional! It's like you're talking directly to me, Nicole. I'm on a journey creating boundaries with siblings who I've previously thought I needed to save/fix. An area I'm giving attention to is about balancing boundary setting with knowing when I have capacity to genuinely offer care/support. Like the difference between having nothing in the tank, sighing and just offering support to stop the guilty feelings, or sighing and offering support because I actually do have something in the tank to offer. Or like, sometimes I have this desire to not offer them support, even if I do feel resourced, to just show them the boundaries that I am working on.. Not in a spiteful way or a way that would be harmful to them.. Anyway your video is helping me make sense of it. Thank you
Thanks for helping us 💗
adapted for survival. I had to do somatic work and emodiment before I could learn to pause on a cognitive level. I had to start in the body.
Dr Nicole, your videos has been of life changing impact to me. Thank you from the deepest parts of my heart. ❤
So grateful they have been life-changing for you! Thank you for being here.
I’m at the beginning of my journey, so I am having a rough time with it. I have such a harsh inner monologue/drive on myself that i feel suffocated by it often. I dont treat the ones around me with that though, its hypocritical, honestly. My sense of self is almost non-existent and that scares the hell out of me sometimes. Going to read through the comments to get more tips. Thank you for this video ❤
Thank you as always Nicole for your videos! I’ve been finding your shorts, especially helpful recently for identifying what I’ve gone through, and I’m still in someways going through in my relationship with my mother.
The last part on boundaries is still something I’m working through. I find that I’m somebody who is a hard worker and find joy in what I do, so I’m always considered first for things. But I’ve learned recently that I need to say no and put more work towards things I want to do, rather than people asking me for help last minute or because they know I’ll show up. The more I practice saying no and putting myself and my wants first, the easier it gets and the lighter I feel 😊
I'm working on this in therapy. Setting boundaries is still hard, and saying no is harder, but I'm slowly getting better at it. The hardest question to answer from my counsellor is, "What do you want?" After a Catholic upbringing, parentification, abuse, trauma, 20 years fighting for survival and a late autism & ADHD diagnosis, I don't even know. But I'm trying to figure it out. Taking up sewing, and learning to make clothes for myself that I love, has been very healing.
This kind of explains my workaholic nature... very recently realized I was doing it and I'm actually trying to create balance for myself now.
Thank you for the video and reminders to stay on track.
It showed me how far I've come on the way to healing and reminds me of what the goals are.
I'm pretty good at points 1 and 2 so far, point 3 is functioning fine with people I trust but still hard on strangers. So it's the point I'll have to practice 😅
The guilty feelings are still there saying 'No' to someone.
There is a book I think it's called 'Don't say Yes if you want to say No.'
So I learned that saying No to someone else can be viewed as saying Yes to myself. 😊
Thank YOU for being here and sharing.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you for your kind reply! What an honour!
It's funny, I went to see a doctor today (throat pain) and I made it halfway through your Book in the German translation, while sitting in the waiting room 😅
So concentration is getting better, too, thanks to your inspiration 😊❤
I really appreciate your way of describing the things we feel and are or were experiencing! It makes me feel seen and heard ❤
Oh my gosh...you have no idea how helpful this has been. Thank you. Implementing these steps immediately.
When my wife and I began dating she helped me to get out of parentification and when we got married she still helped because as a kid I had to grow up fast and basically I was the one that took care of my younger brother (hence why he will listen to my advice faster than our parents advice) and basically raised him. Sure our parents worked and payed the bills and bought the groceries but I did a lot of the work taking care of him and helping him through things so it really took a lot of work for me to get to a point where I was letting him grow up and letting myself have rest and focus on me and my wife and our responsibilities and relationship
I had a therapist years ago who asked me to sit in front of a mirror and look into my own eyes…30 years later and I still can’t do it I can glance at them, but looking into means for a length of time I can’t do it… I cannot identify my own feelings , mum used to say listen to your gut that’s your intuition still not found it… then she’d say just get over it… I recognize that my parents both had difficulties in childhood but when I was 6 after the first bout of sexual abuse I asked God not to let me have children… and he didn’t and I am sad but extremely grateful he heard me, because I know I would probably have continued the cycle. I appreciate the videos and I do watch them with glee that finally I might heal but I just don’t see me… but I do appreciate your work …👍🏻
Thank you Dr LePera 🌸🍀
Parentification seems to me …As another buzz word meant to tear down structures. Modern therapy tears down family units and sparks narcissistic tendencies. Modern therapy takes out the equation of empathy for others, and sets the tone for selfishness. One of our lessons in life is to heal others along with ourselves. To see people for who they are…seeing the blessings instead of the faults. We can soften terms and not explode with hostile terms like boundaries to shove people away. We can say I need a moment to settle myself can we talk later? Modern therapy puts the emotion first. Igniting a sense of victimization. I teach love as the guide not boundaries. I use tools of empathy, forgiveness and inner power. Not things I learned in school designed to destroy relationships.
This gave me something interesting to think about. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, I'll try
This is so helpful
Thank you
Thank you.
This helps.
Ur a legend thank u
It was an aha-moment when I heard about self attunement, to start taking interest in our own feelings. All the small feelings too, everyday! I'm 40 years old and I understood this like a week ago 😅
It is difficult to find balance. After having been in the role of the empath, caretaker and fixer for many years but getting abandoned when I needed help, I am empty now. I have nothing left to give, don't want any company or connection. It's as if I can't even connect to other people anymore. I feel like an alien.
Awesome thank you
Omg..... I commented on ur short on "how do I fix it". A day ago of something.
N u post this video.
Thank you! ❤
What divine timing!
Question for the comment section: does anybody else end up filling their down time with food?
I want to slow down, but it's like my body only acknowledges pauses to be for eating. I've been trying to rest without eating, but no much luck yet if I want to do nothing with my hands or mind.
So, I end up not resting just to keep my weight in check 😬
I have found that we often use food for comfort. I'm sorry you're struggling with that. The negative energy is within us and we are trying to avoid it.. Often when we can not face the inner turmoil, define it, define what we want, how we feel... we seek to quell these feelings of angst with food, sex, or substance. Caring for ourself or resting doesn't have to be sedentary. We can take up practices that are restful and nourishing, in themselves. Somatic yoga or pilates, meditation, movement that you enjoy such as dance, walking or hiking in nature, Tai chi, swimming.... just do what you enjoy. We can read a book or simply sit with a beverage and watch life for a while. Being in nature is by far, the best modality of resting the spirit.
You can change your diet and your relationship with food. If you're concerned about your weight you can try intermittent fasting (talk to a doctor first for your safety because I don't know you) and remove all processed foods from your diet. You'll have more energy, clearer skin, better weight management, better blood sugar levels, and a better mood in a few short months. The gut micobiome is linked to the brain, and the correlation between our fuel and our mental health is, quite honestly, astounding. I'd also recommend becoming a student of Mind Valley. There's lots of free stuff. 🫂
Thank you 😊 ❤
Most difficult is trusting that the middle kids and youngest siblings in birth order can grow up to be competent and reliable friends, partners, co-workers who can care for me, sometimes. The oldest daughter. They are not so great at it.
So let's don't depend on them anymore.
There's help outside of family context if you need it. Professional help that will help you to learn to trust and rely on yourself instead of others.
Don't expect them to be caregivers just because you cared for them in the past.
Be responsible for your own needs and tend to them on your own.
It's a hard lesson to learn but a necessary one.
Let them go and live their own life like you're living yours.
@@Jasonslittlesister1 I do not have siblings myself. I meant folx who are not first born daughters in an Alfred Alder birth order type of way. Relying on myself only and not having a way to develop interdependance with people who are trustworthy has been a constant theme in my 27 years of therapy. It remains the hardest thing. I want to do EVERYTHING myself. Cause I don’t believe others can be component, as well.
Hi … thanks for this and the previous video, it opened me to a space I always wondered why I felt a certain way. I would also wanna ask your guidance on how I make sure I do not bring this experience onto my kids with or without my knowledge
These last two videos about parentification have really opened my eyes to how I am shifting. Feeling the guilt but doing it (putting myself first) anyways. Sometimes I still say yes and end up flaking out or changing my mind and leaving people hanging. It’s kind of messy…
Works for any request, also for entitled requests. Please talk about guilt, shame and fear reaction to entitled, manipulative requests.
My younger sisters were more mothers to me than my mom ever was so the whole family had to adapt and parent each other. I was just thinking about this today. If I needed anything I would call my younger sister before I would call my mom. I have left my sister and my mom in no contact for years because my mom would keep telling her to help me and my sister would always do it. It's better for them to both focus on theirselves. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to get the mother I wanted and needed.
I'm 47 years and am still running for now reason..even though my narrasstic mam passed away from 5 years ago I can't find love..never been married..My health is not so good..I losing my faith in any thing.. Sometimes I hope I never been born to this sick family..I raised my little brother when I was16 yand at age of 22 I became a mom for my niece coz she lost her mom in a car accedint..now i hate childrens i can't help it ..
I am so lonely..and sick from many trauma i just want to die to begin anew life in a good family next generation
The guilt!! And the shame! "I cannot do enough. I am not enough!" 😮😢
I’m healing ❤️🩹 from being a parentified child and years of therapy getting in Touch with my inner child getting use to the feeling of being carefree without feeling guilty is such a good 😌 feeling and I watch your videos and read your books 📚 and instagram posts
so here's where i fall off the rails - yes i was somewhat parentified. but then iended up with 3 neurodivergent children, 2 of which ended up actively suicidal, one at 9 and one at 16. the oldest is estranged and other 2 are at home not launched. i still feel like its absolutely my job to try to fix it all. i dont push myself to do it all at once, and then of course i feel guilty about it taking too long, but i'm coping as best i can . . . but my mom is 89 and out of town and i'll probably inherit her dog soon and my completely abusive disabled sister when my mom passes . . ugg.
I don't know how to do this while living with my mother. Whenever I establish boundaries or have some time for myself she finds excuses to cross that and when I talk to her about her behaviour she reacts emotionally (raising voice then crying)
I feel like I'm becoming emotionally numb each day and giving up on my hopes and dreams.
🤯 all my children are adults. I wish I could have known this sooner 😂 better late than never though. At least it’s not too late to learn to enjoy the rest of my life 🎉
This is hard for me bc even though I'm burnt out now, I'm scared that if I slow down I will get fired, and I'm already underpaid and have no savings. 😢
I need help from you. Whenever I talk to my parents, all I hear is them blaming me like thats not true, your wrong, thats not really how it is. I end up more frustrated, angry and feel like I cant say anything. They make me not want to communicate with them
It is me.
What??? Can I have my own plans? My own plans, first? Shouldn't I wait and see what plans and needs, even preferences, others have first, and then perhaps plan something myself, if they perhaps get to do something more improtant, nicer, interesting *without me* - which then happens to free me to do something that I'd preferred, if somebody's more important needs would not show up, which is of course is more more urgent. I'm always in kind of an ER mode, it seems, and always thinking of a priority list of needs - I can tell somebody no, if a need higher in the hierachy has to come first. I'm really a beginner in expressing and standing up for my needs, but it comes only after health issues that force me to think about what a burden I'd be if I don't manage them so I keep up my independence and save some energy and care for myself.
Some plan Xmas in September, but we tend to wait and see, what "the others" will do, before we make the definite decissions - and when I've tried to do otherwise, be sure someone accused me/us of selfishness or being inconsiderate or unfair. And be sure that every Xmas is tinted with feelings of guilt. (We are a couple of the eldest brother and the eldest sister...) However I have as long I can remember been dreaming of quiet, harmonious, tension-free Xmases, shoulld be possible by proactive planning and taking well-ahead known taking turns, but nooo...
Thank you, Dr Nicole, for food for thought. I realised something about me and planning (avoiding planning and not sticking to goals of my own). I realised something tragicomic...
What do you call the child who was forced to live the parents dreams, neglected and abused in-between?
I was also the clean up crew, maid and the do girl
An abandoned child 😢
Useful?
Can you do a video on emotional incest please?
I'd like to see that too - it's an important topic for me as well
Do you have one for infantilization?
Nadie me va a decir cual es mi sexo ni cuando debo morir que será antes de la semana que viene
Silly term name. Psychology is full of silly term names.
Terms are there for understanding, if it doesnt resonate or isnt helpful then its not for you. My husband was forced to be a parent/surrogate spouse for his parents and I am learning how to help him. This is helpful for me, I dont care how it sounds.
Only a hideous person doesn't like the spotlight on things. In my opinion. 🙂
I love your channel but using click-baity headlines makes me trust channels less. “The phrase you say the moment before your brain shuts down!”
“THIS ONE ingredient is a game changer!”
“This test alone will tell you if you’re toxic!”
I really dislike a call to action that sounds like a life changing revelation. Just tell us what the content is about. I’ll approach it with an open mind. 🌺