What he said about moving on by focusing on practical, realistic objectives in life i.e making money, working out etc. is spot on. The memories that used to push me to overwhelming disgust, anger, hurt, and so on seem so peripheral and small when my time and attention are dedicated to things that not only move my life forward but are also difficult and tiring. Life is tough enough without having to focus on a time I trusted someone who ripped me off, or what have you. Bad people exist, it's not that big of a deal, but it is important to keep them out.
Well said! It gives me some peace healing when others can articulate better then I could ever explain the complex dynamic and process of how one responds to this type of trauma . Thank you for sharing!
Yes I think practicality is the key & being realistic about situation. Irrespective of where you are or how much you try to shield yourself there are narcissistic people out there in society. Getting therapy & taking practical steps towards a holistic lifestyle/approach is all we can really do, as well as educating ourselves against these kinds of people. I was stalked by a psychopath for two years. I simply dwelled on the 'why me' for too long instead of moving forward. I believe they only decided to leave me alone as they didn't fail to break up my relationship or my family despite me hitting rock bottom & having a manic induced episode due to the incessant trauma I was being put through, plus the police were useless in offering support or resolving the case. They told me 'yes your phone has been hacked' but that was about it. I changed phones & the same thing happened despite all the precautions I put in place; it was really frightening being preyed upon by a tech savvy psychopath. It's not as if you get a break from cyberstalking either as we rely on technology for everything it pervaded every aspect of my life. I think technology and how this can be utilised by narcs & psychopaths really needs to be discussed. My story is different as I didn't go through the shared fantasy etc I merely frequented a server/discord that had an unsavoury character in it, it was little more than opportunism in my opinion. I'm all for your very proactive approach- I see so many people dwelling in their misery instead of trying to move forward. I also see a very high percentage of people claiming to be a narc & psychopath victim when they really have no notion of what that really involves (ie they were probably in a relationship with a disagreeable person, a not very nice person or they're equally as disagreeable judging by how they present themselves online. It's easy to point the finger as opposed to looking to oneself). What the whole ordeal did give me was the chance to look at my own behaviour & how I was contributing some negative attributes to my own relationship & vice versa. I'm a pragmatist at heart & like to think there's a lesson to me learned from any situation irrespective of how unfair it seems or dire.
It took me two years to start feeling like me again. I'm still not there yet. A year and a half later, after I left him, I felt like someone else. I had habits I didn't recognize, expressions that weren't mine, weird things like facial movements, hand movements, gestures, that were not ME. I'm finally starting to feel okay. I hope I never see him again.
@@naiyalexictook me 5 years, and now at 7 years memories and feelings can still intrude my mind and being, working on acceptance of bad choices and HOW I was trained to make them.
How does this not have a million thumbs-ups? They will say something to you then deny, deny, deny. They will do things then DENY. They'll LITERALLY slap you across the face then say I NEVER TOUCHED YOU. You imagined it. That wasn't a slap. Oh you're exaggerating. They will fucking make you crazy if you let them. Just leave.
I believe more confusion comes from brutal reality - that toxic people, psychopaths are in power, they are protected, their money keeps them out of jail - and there is nothing to stop them - and everyone pretends that toxic people do not exist. Starting with CBT who brainwash traumatized people into this BS belief: "Intense fear: disproportionate to the actual risk of most social situations, worrying for days before a party for example"
This was the hardest thing for me to accept - that my parents and siblings never loved me. Not that they ever told me that they loved me, but I was constantly subjected to the view that family means love and that to love the family means that I must comply, even if compliance hurt me, and I must never, ever, complain about it. It took me so long to walk away and stay away. It took accepting this hard fact that they did not love me, and never did. And it took so long because growing up like this taught me that I wasn’t loveable without them. Luckily, I did find the strength to walk away. And I met someone who taught me what real love is, and real love is not inextricably linked to the concept of family. It’s linked to concepts like respect, dignity, caring about the other, wanting someone to do well, lifting someone up, not pulling someone down, and accepting someone as they are, warts and all. And when two people meet who share these same values, it’s like heaven on earth. And you will be able to see that what went before was just a facade, a mask, masquerading as love but is in fact, contempt.
its called corruption, its very common, almost ubiquitous. its not YOU. the people who benefit by going along with corruption, the ones who always seem to get by or thrive in a corrupt system, they benefit, they are corrupt. it is very hard to accept that close family members are corrupt, but this is a fact. many many many seemingly good americans ARE corrupt. its just a fact that we must face, or stay in a state of confusion. accepting the commonness of corruption in our society is the first step to changing it. this starts at home. i watched a family member literally put her mostly healthy mother in a state nursing home, steal her wealth and then set herself up in a custom home for life, at the expense of all the other family members. and she did it so casually, so matter of factly. corruption. period. this person is now a retired teacher. a teacher. a corrupt teacher. a teacher that went to work appearing to be mother teresa, while ripping off her entire family in her time off. a teacher. a corrupt teacher. when i recognize corruption outside myself, and that i have not gone along with it to my benefit, in any way, then i realize i am ok, i am not corrupt. i am different than they are. this is where the peace lies. when you realize you are not at all part of it.
I’m learning that there is absolutely no limit to the pain a narcissist will inflict on their target/supply to make themselves seem validated and valuable even when they have the lowest self esteem possible and carry a lifetime of shame and secrets
I keep thinking since I left and moved far away the attacks again me would stop. It’s gotten worse 14 years later. Does it ever stop? He keeps using a public platform and other people to slander me. No, there’s no contact. He’s using our children.
Same! I’ve been listening and learning from dozens of coaches in this field for 5 months and just came across this channel a few weeks ago. THANK YOU Richard!!!!
the entire relationship with a narcissist is nothing more than us being obsessed with the image of our own perfect (false) ego. it's hard to let go of. very hard to realize it's a hologram. and even then nearly impossible. but can be done.
The ex used you say to me “at least you know your place,” after some humiliating situation he would put me in. I finally said yes, top of the world & I don’t like it when you say that to me. He did not respond in that moment- but things grew steadily worse between us afterward. My god these people are loath-some
“All of your be-wilderness will disappear into the wilderness” Richard Grannon you made me laugh out loud! Love that! actually putting on my healing board as my motto of the week💯🙌🏼
Most of the people here are probably still obsessed with the narcissist, because it gives them a reason to be obsessed with the super hot Richard Grannon and keep watching his videos ❤😂
I have seen a lot of your material and found some value in much of it, but this one really, clearly gets at the root of how narcissistic abuse works. Might be your best video to date. Thanks for your work in this area. You're helping untold numbers.
Yes, fefinitely there is a Delusion not recognizing the pathological lies, the contempt, the repeated sabatoge, of everything that is important. He is Psychotic. I was kind, I was agreeable, I did not want any drama, chaos, violence. I lost alot. At least I live quietly and with Peace.
Me too 💪 I sentenced myself to 38 years with him! But I am healing. We can do it! It is hard work. But the peace on the other side is getting more and more and more attainable 🎉
Yes, he sabotaged my career, my graduate studies, sabotaged my home I bought as a single person, sold it against my wishes then abandoned me and took all of the financial assets leaving only with debt. I pray I die soon, I am old, I dont want to continue living in these circumstances. Please pray for me.
I completely get what you have written. This is where I am and have been for 5 years. It's hard to recognise that there are people who love and care for you just waiting to help. Sometimes it feels like a failure to confide in someone and actually ask, but there are people, agencies, and groups who will step up. The best revenge is to live well. Please, consider taking a chance. Best wishes.
I was the best toaster he had for 33 years. I was put on the shelf so many weekends (while he’s off on his double lives), but when he came home, he loved toast. He wanted toast, then put the toaster away again until next time he wanted toast. It took a solid year to mourn the end of everything, including his death 2 years ago. I am finally feeling happiness again and enjoying my life. All the bad stuff falling far behind now. Watching tons of videos, tons of self care, being with friends, and great therapy. Im free for real
He was my friend for 20+ years. I didn't know what a narcissist was for that entire period of time until very recently and it all sort of clicked once I started educating myself. All the red flags / weird behavior over the years suddenly made sense. I've gone no contact, but I still care about the guy. It's a tough situation. He was so vile towards me, so envious, so jealous. The thing is, I feel pity for him more than any kind of hatred. I still think about our "friendship" and the good times we had, but he became a borderline bully towards me in the last few years before I cut things off for good. It's tough man, it feels like I lost a brother or something.
I can totally relate. It’s hard for me to not feel bad because I don’t think they really realize their behavior but that doesn’t make it okay or less toxic. I’d been friends with them for over 30 years. Went no contact 9 years ago without knowing anything about narcissism. Resumed the friendship about 2 years ago, thinking they’d changed. Last couple years there was some strange behaviors, some old, some new. When looking up these traits and behaviors I realized he’s a narcissist and it all clicked and made more sense. Even without knowing about narcissism I went no contact years ago and I should’ve stayed with that decision.
@@KenDavis-uo8kq That was my mistake as well. I originally went no contact for about 2 years, but same as you I didn't know what narcissism was, and he was acting like a total jerk. He hoovered me back and I accepted, but the second time got even more toxic and weirder. Should've trusted my gut. I don't think that these people can get better without some hardcore therapy. It seems like they get worse over time actually. The way they think and perceive people is a brain defect and cannot be fixed.
11:05 wow! Exactly this. I experienced this daily. There wasn’t much room for me in the relationship. It was their bottomless needs and their intense emotions. They would say they wanted me to take up time in the relationship but that didn’t happen. The relationship was consuming my life. I had nothing left for anyone else in my life. Later in the relationship I began to wonder if they really loved me. At points where I imagine they felt they were losing their grip on me they would say I love you in such a dramatic way. Like during conflict they’d tell me all the things i was doing wrong and then throw in “I f*cking love you!!” Or directly after conflict the love bombing would start and it was constant I love you and all the flowery compliments. Going through the cycle over and over it felt like words were used for manipulation and control. I felt so smothered and used up. I felt like an emotional wastebasket like you say and the phrases you mention. I’ve heard them over and over.
Please don't say you're a narcissist- that you've lied. thats creepy. Seriously- after all the good support and knowledge and healing you've given people. Theres trust there, Richard. Please don’t jack with trust. We've all had enough of that sh$t. Peace.
i understand how that seems wrong, but dark humor and sarcasm is part of his character snd i can relate because i also sooth myself with playful joking🖤
I love Dark humour, but that wasn't a joke. That's Richard letting you know how stupid he thinks you are. He's psychopathic, but he's charming and likeable. It's all simulation and acting. And he's good at it. He studies people and knows how to work them from the back. Anything he does that's prosocial is for his own gain. That's what this channel is, dearie. And the way I look at it, he could be doing a lot worse.
@@SRPA476I think it's just dark humour used as a means of expressing a deeper truth. Do I get the uncanny valley from Richard, no. I'm a mental health professional & well versed in 'caring' for these kind of clients. He's confident & probably less agreeable as a result of being ensnared in these kind of relationships himself. Indeed I used to be a very agreeable person & now I'm quite the antithesis in many ways for similar reasons. I think he finds it cathartic & there's nothing wrong with that. Let's contrast him with Vaknin who definitely is a narcissist & plays the game well; he's an undeniably very smart man who has expertise in this field not just by virtue of being a narcissist but due to how well read he is & how he's synthesised that data. I'm sure Richard has gone through a lot of therapy & built up many defences to get to point where he's at. He's put himself in a position of authority by being well versed on the literature & kudos to him for that which probably feeds his ego & not necessarily in a bad way. I see healthy confidence not a warped perception of self. The fact he was taken in by Vaknin/under his tutelage I can't see many narcs doing either as they perceive themselves or those of the cerebral variety as the epitome of knowledge indeed despite distancing himself from him (they fell out) he still credits him with his foundational knowledge- again not a narc attribute. From a cultural perspective I'm also from the Wirral where Richard is from - men are kind of expected to be stereotypically quite macho, intense etc which probably adds to his multi faceted character. The guy has travelled & given his age he's gonna be a perceptive guy & take confidence in that which I see as healthy. The fact he also calls people to action as opposed to just turning this into a theoretical exercise is also telling - why would an actual narc really want that when he can readily just prop up his business by selling a gimmick like Dr Ramani for example? I've seen him give free lecturers etc (sure the publicity helps but ones gotta make a living) which again I wouldn't expect a narc to go out of their way to do. In retrospect as Vaknin states it's easy to spot a narcissist they give off that uncanny valley right from the get go & this guy just doesn't do that for me.
"cult of one"....yes, how appropriate that term is. The victim/target/devotee/follower losses themselves (and their own sexual preferences) as they become molded, indoctrinated into the narcissist"s preferences... You *think* that you like / prefer (insert sexual preference/activity here), but it's conditioning.
"What could you do or say to someone that would damage another person's self worth but in a way that was deniable.... like you didn't mean it, or that wasn't your intention, or they're just taking it the wrong way" I cannot believe this is how these people think and operate and for what reason to people that are loving and helping them. It's disgusting...
cool new angle with the simulation, richard. and a handy takeaway: as soon as there’s a bewildering “why??” forget figuring it out-just SWERVE AWAY from that person. don’t get snagged on the WHY? super effective (for me) thank you. you’re slaying, grannon 👏
I had a very healing moment the other day with my narc. He did the same thing he always does by pulling in and pulling the rug...I didn't feel anything when he did it this time. Total observation, his sick twisted mind did not penetrate and he didn't control me. I no longer have these types of people in my life, this is attached to me with a kid but I live far away. I only deal with him when I need to because lies never come true.
I totally broke contact with the narc about 7 years ago and have been focused on (obsessed with) working through the experience. I'm in a pretty good place now with all that, but just yesterday I was walking back to my place and about half a block away a vehicle pulled up to the curb coming towards me and as I looked up the narc was sitting in the passenger seat - I was forever hoping she had passed away and left the planet. She fucking smiled at me and I just looked away and said FUCK!! to myself. The point is, despite my progress I found this highly triggering, like the child part of me felt the wound of betrayal and abandonment deeply again. To compound the experience, a FB friend suggestion last night was her new squeeze with her gumpy face on his profile pic. I promptly blocked him. Hence, I'm back in the narc recovery world looking at videos and narcs today. Thankfully your role play exercise has helped a lot. Thanks greatly. Meanwhile, how to deal with being triggered?
I have CPTSD and have had to deal with a large number of triggers. Here’s what I learned. Every trigger is tied to a lie; I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m too broken to be worthy of love, nobody can be trusted, I can’t handle this, the world is not a safe place, if I told anybody they wouldn’t believe me, nobody can be trusted, etc. Each of these are a lie because they are in the form of an absolute. If they are not absolutely true, then they are false. That’s the first step. The next step is to figure out what the truth is for each of those statements. The problem is that they feel true. Especially when those lies were implanted under high stress. Maybe some of them at one time even were true, but they are not true now . For each of these lies that I uncover I write a new truth statement. For me, it is helpful to pray and ask God what the truth is because often I have believed that for so long I don’t know what the truth could be. These lies get planted in the low brain and they are activated before the cognitive brain can evaluate them. So if I go back to the feeling and then I ask myself what did I tell myself right then, I can figure out what that implanted message was. it takes a little bit of practice, but once you recognize that inner dialogue, you will discover that there are more lies in there than you realize. The narcissist is very good at finding those lies and using them against us. That can really reinforce them. I hope this helps. If you have any questions, I have a lot more information than what I’ve given you here but at least it’s a start.
I know exactly what you mean. When you were a target in this lifetime you better stay aware of this kind of settings this matrix put before you, just to confuse you. It also gives you the opportunity to give real time and attention to the trigger. What are the words of the feelings and when on your timeline did something occur. Use the words aware, acknowledge, allow and accept and for me it helps to combinate that with a breathing exercise a la Wim Hof or Sandy. They made this materialistic world theirs and we started to call it the world upside down because spiritually it is.
Hi. I get triggered by what he kicked up in me. Now I'm rethinking my ENTIRE family relationships. OMG by MOM!!! She was a natc! thought we all "fell out" one by one. Now, its looking and feeling like :discard" my whole sorry life. I feel like I am a big, fat funny Narc magnet and STUPID. Even estranged with both other kids who after a closer than close bond and "suddenly" for no reason, SEVERE, joint betrayal. My brother, and I don't have ONE friend, absolutely nobody to even say how are you and my earth is spinning. I dont even feel comfortable on here. I think narcs hang out here, That Savken guys makes me want to start shooting! When talks to "help" I feel mocked.
@@CamilleBreadshaw2.0 Focus on what you can do to move forward beyond relying on other people's affirmation of you. Do things that are good for you and feel good. Go for a walk. Visit a national park and walk among the trees. Welcome new friends and be the person you would like. We can always blame others and it does us no good. Just move on from what you life has been and reinvent yourself. I know i did.
Let’s talk about this.. The “still living with their debts” I need rest sometimes, I need a day off sometimes. I feel like I’m gonna get in trouble.. I have to talk myself out of that way of thinking. And recall it was HIS idea of life and success that he pushed off onto me. Now I have to figure out how I want to live life…. He was so all consuming now I need to fill that void… it’s hard to know what I even want
I saw the recording and is was an eyeopening for me. I have had so many narcissist in my life that I have removed. Working on myself and peace and harmoni is my main focus for me now. But I got such a huge aha moment! OMG I completely understand something about my journey that I couldn't see before. So thank you so much for this recording!!🙏🙏🙏❤️
Be careful who you discuss this with, is my experience, a lot of people just do not get it and it causes more confusion. I still get asked are you going to have this person in your life, is there any resolution? “ you never know, he might come and apologise” if he did it’s a hoover and I fell for it repeatedly in the past, only to be abused again after a short period of love bomb . It’s a sibling. I think others find it hard to understand and also want to “fix” it. Plus all the societal nonsense about how families should be and you must preserve these relationships no matter what. Questions to ask myself . How do I feel in the presence of this person ? How do I feel after spending time with them? Am I confused. Do I get an argument in my head after spending time with them ? Heathy relationships very rarely cause confusion and doubt. Does this person have my best interests at heart. Robert Green has some really helpful insights on this. And for me - go slow! Go slow, go slow.
I literally over heard an ex freind behind my back, thinking I couldn't hear, say, I need to 'bring her down a peg or two again'. I thought what the f for I didn't think I'd done anything negative toward them but then again the bewildering thing is I didn't have to.
I had a friend of 20 years and it was too much, she was too much. The last time we spent time she almost stabbed me in the middle of my hand with a sharp pointed spade. I didn't move fast enough for her. She says sorry but does it next week. Enough. She would also host parties to push a narrative. The food wasn't that good, lol.
I can set them off by merely straightening up my posture. That's all it takes. Just being in a good mood or having a positive social interaction or finding a nice jacket at the thrift store. That's all it takes.
@@ronfox5519 Literally i know it's because they're so convinced everyone is doing something to them all the time while they try to convince everyone that's not how they think and feel. They go to great lengths to hide that fact that i always noticed about these sort of people because it's like you could be sat in a corner minding your own business and instant attack, very paranoid thoughts indeed.
This is so absolutely accurate. When you said to imagine something that you could do to someone that would be deniable by the person..we were all thinking of our own real world experiences
I think the crazy part is that they don't throw jabs at you necessarily. Mine used stress and boundary violations to wear me down. Then she used other male attention type tactics to devalue me. But it seemed innocent. "I can't believe all they want is sex" is how she would play it. But the way she met them is how she seduces men so it's confusing making. And her apologies and words were good! They sounded just like the real thing minus empathy. She was a tricky subject. As you adapt your knowledge of npd they will adapt their mirroring. Thats why you need to figure out your end because you will never outsmart the npd system. Never. I was greedy in that I wanted a partner and love that I never had. I gaslight myself. I abandoned myself to be with her. That was leveraged against me. I have to learn to love myself and drop the fantasy I live in. And I have to stop abandoning myself. Because they are pretty obvious subjects and if you just disregard them as pathetic like they are they won't even hunt you. You have to be able to live in a fantasy version of a person so they can mirror that and become your fantasy for the game to start.
I am able to move forward a bit more today after struggling to let go of the ruminating sexual thoughts. Keeping me stuck and excepting the hoover. Knowing if i do the work i can break the last piece of heart ache. Thank you Richard I dig your humor
One of the most poignant and freeing statements from this is that simple fact that there are people who like hurting people. And we get stuck because we keep trying to understand the why of that simple fact with our own coordinates which are completely incompatible with the desire to hurt people. Accept this fact about people and run with this understanding. There is no need to question any further or try to psycho-analyse it because that's really all there is to it.
I agree- but we enable them for the most part. Psychopathic people run the world. They dominate every social environment at every level of society. No one looks beyond charm, status, and good-looks. If you have any or all of those things, people play blind to your faults and will blame your victims. Life is different Outside of the therapeutic bubble.
Richard, I thank you for always telling us the truth of the survivor process, this knowledge helps me to thrive in my healing & I definitely couldn’t do it without my therapist & supporting loved ones. You tell us the truth even if it’s hard to take in! The fight to win within is hard work but so worth it! I’m staying away from the ex Narcissist who caught me for 7 yrs. Thank you
The raw truth of your channel helps me heal further, even after 30 years. I apply all that knowledge to present day, which brings me so much confidence. TY Richard!
Mr Grannon, you are keeping me above water everyday. It's been 5 weeks I left after decade of abuse from a textbook definition of vulnerable narcissist. Please know you are saving my life thankyou!!!!!!!!
The simulations help me alot…when I feel like I’m split again, I replay it and it snaps me back into reality very quickly. Except then I feel stupid for letting him do this to me. Round and round I go… reintegrating myself is the greatest challenge of my life
I don't have to imagine this, it happened to me by a neighbor i had nothing to do with but he hated me so much he started breaking in and destroying everything good in my life. Killed my pets and had the means to to influence everything most wouldn't even think of, using chemicals and frequencies. If you ever hear someone talk about these kinds of things believe them. The brain operates by frequency and easily manipulated. The technology of the cloud is also frequencies and easily altered, imagine the implications.
I don't know about you but I found it hard to be believed because of how bizarre the circumstances sounded. I was cyberstalked by I believe someone who had psychopathic tendencies for 2 years. It started off very overt - laughing, grunting etc down the phone & hacking my accounts & phone to really insidious stuff & people blamed by bipolar on it apart from my fiancé who said he couldn't explain some of the bizarre things he'd found on my iPad etc. This person I had nothing to do with either hence why I believe they were a psychopath it was all about the thrill & end game, probably see how mentally unwell I'd become. The irony is I'm a mental health professional & never believe this would happen to me.
Oh my God, 3 mins in ! , I don't even need to watch the rest, but I will. At the moment , it is a family member,( forget the ex), I have released her of the burden of pretending to care about me. I have released people who have pretended to care about me when i cared and fought for them, I suggest to others to do the same, if it has become too much. Narcissists will do something , say something , or not ( silent treatment ) that shifts the reality to their advantage. When you can bring people together , then at a later date it's cool to isolate you, you know, I know the score, the slights. Richard you talk of the perpetrator/ perpetrators damaging our self worth, perfectly explained, it is a twisted compliment I suppose, but an extremely painful one. What we need to keep in mind is that someone bringing another down to prop themselves up is pathetic and very sad. I did not want to watch this vid , but glad I did. The way you explain gaslighting is spot on . Thanks Richard !
You said 100% truth here. All of it is truth that not many understand until you experienced it. Also, the part you said about how they do it because they need things 19:30. Those "things" they need become their fuel. They hide that guilty pleasure, the "item" they like/love/need. If you can find it and sometimes they reveal it when they are very happy... You can actually take that thing they need and keep feeding it to them. And in a way control them. They become hooked. But it can get dangerous when you want to stop... I discovered if I gave him that thing or things he likes so much he kept coming back (doesnt have to be se*ual). It was odd. Like their kryptonite... Has anyone experienced this? It is gross like you said, when you can see a master manipulator at work, it is dark, they truly wear this mask and you have seen them without the mask... At least I know with this video there are people out there that has gone through it and can relate. Thank you for this talk it helps.
my mother recommended this to me, since i had plans to cut off my father and he worked his way back into my life and I delayed my plans. I also just moved away from my aunt, who was also a narcissist, which I can confidently say due to this video. I know logically they both are, but the guilt and uncertainty that I’ve had my entire life (20 years) made it harder to see the way out. I’ve never had such a clear perspective before. I’m 13 minutes in and I feel like I can see clearly again for the first time ever. I’ve had a lot of these individual realizations at various times, but summed up in the exercise all at once is… life changing. The guilt tripping and gaslighting make it so hard to not feel evil for cutting off a parent. But being able to see it from the other side is…. terrifying and freeing
In response to the person asking about how to tell a lawyer about possible NPD - high conflict personality is the lingo to be used to describe the person. I am going through the same thing and with all the books on divorcing a Narcissist, that is one of the terms they tell us to use. And also to document behavior and actions and if there are children then how it all affects the children.
That's what i keep hearing the group of narcs that hang around in the game i play say "i need to teach them a lesson" and the things they say after that is ridiculous and sick the latest one "we need to bring down men who show their bare chest"🤔why? they can dress their characters how they want lol. I dunno they think they make any sense but they don't i'm not even going to try and understand it because there's nothing to understand they're just delusional obviously. I've found learning about mirroring is the biggest part you could learn to become aware of your surroundings and to be able to properly read the room and the energy, i recommend doctor ramani's glossary of narcissistic relationships. It's really helped things click for me the most because instead i'm kind of anchoring myself to the general vibe of other people which is just chill, peaceful, and coexisting so it's not everyone at all trying to make you feel bad about yourself. It's usually always highly narcissistic individuals causing the majority of issues and drama and my god they're constantly mirroring all the time... they've exhausting and annoying, it's so easy now to just move away, and the best part is i've got them mirroring me either keeping my distance or leaving the server lol they do the same probably to be petty but i'll just let them keep doing that🙂it's been good practise. Everyone else just wants to enjoy themselves.
Wow, this is so eye opening. That type of thinking is so foreign but it makes sense. All the cuts and digs at you. Weaponizing your most vulnerable weaknesses. When all you do is try to show them they're loved.
I've watched you off and on for years, Richard and I can't tell you how much I needed to see this video at 2AM when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Thank you for what you do and keep letting the folks you're pouring into encourage you to keep doing it! ❤️🩹
Regarding the exercise: I’ve had to react to my ex husband in a similar way, because I learned the behavior from him… it was the only way I could communicate with him, without him shutting down the conversation and leaving the room. I’m trying to get rid of it now. But it’s very hard because I don’t like having to “let go” of all the injustice. It’s very hard to not think about and never talk about again.
(48:13) “I can’t do this anymore, just give me peace” . Yup! Exactly that feeling - I just want out of this nightmare. It was an illusion and our sex life was a tool he used to make it feel real. Our relationship was so hyper sexualized, he wanted it all the time, multiple times a day for years, everywhere, I got used to the excitement and passion of it all and sadly, eventually after love bombing phase in the beginning then after each Hoover another love bombing phase with lots of passionate kissing and love making when I soon realized how I heavily relied on that as the only form of intimacy I got with him in our relationship.. Sex was the only time I felt close or connected with him, I was so desperate for any kind of loving affection and connection I eagerly accepted this sad reality.
All my x boyfriend narcissist wanted was me to love him and he fell in love with my love for him. He even said it. I wanted your love and you gave it and after 5 years of playing he just dumped me and said he was perfectly fine on his own and he is. He was a trauma bonding situation. He was so familiar. Likeness to my parents. In the extreme. Then he turned and said you knew I was cheating and you stayed even though he lied and lied and said he wasn't then he admitted it and blamed me for being in the wrong not him. They mentally twist everything. They are so abusive and so sick and they are so dishonest. Only for my own trauma I would never have put up with this shit. I had it 4 times and had a breakdown. He had no concern for my wellbeing in a psychiatric hospital. He fucked me over again when I came home. Very dangerous people. Very messed up. And they can't love. Everything is a false impression of what they wish they were
My narcissist friend said she was 'gutted' when I told her I was having a baby because she intended not to have children herself (?), a narcissist man I was involved with many years ago suddenly disappeared out of my life with no explanation never to be seen again, my narcissist mother - when I was complemented on my looks would say 'It's all make up'. The lesson? As soon as you realise you have a narcissist in your life, walk away.
Just commenting to support the algorythm. But not gonna listen. I’ve had it with videos about the narcissist. Stay safe and best wishes with complete healing everyone. Peace
I’m very grateful for your wisdom and knowledge on this subject! You’re very spot on! God bless you and you are all in my prayers! Please keep em coming; so desperately needed!
This is an absolutely brilliant approach Richard. It made my head spin and my heart clench but I finally GOT IT. Now I understand why he felt he “needed” to put me in my place and why it felt like he was always taking offence at every little thing I said (which was extremely confusing). I spent hours trying to explain to no avail. Whenever he criticized me in front of his adult daughters they would smirk and puff up along the lines of “we know better”. So he wasn’t just shooting me down but at the same time he was getting brownie points with his daughters. 🤦♀️
Richard G you know your stuff, thanks for keeping it real. The way you deliver the reality of the scenario. Yep you are funny, real, and about the healing because you really have been there. Woohoo, anyone plugging in to you has an opportunity to begin to move forward and start the ever long path to healing from this kind of abuse. Your heart and soul is yours,alone - shame on anyone who tries to destable and throw under the bus another person's existence. Confusion is why we are here listening, because our minds and hearts have been played, big time. Eventually you will see this as warrior training.
Hi Richard, amongst the things i bisect on this channel 😝 is how you still come up with new perspectives, angles and layers of healing, pretty ✨🦣 often. Yeyeah we are walking alongside as you journey (several years, me). Still! This video is about the tenth major pot of gold. There have been constant easter eggs alloverthuhplace. Today you talked about being a bin. This took me back to accusing someone of treating me like a bin for their guilty conscience (haha they didn’t have one of course) - hey i was close 😀 i loved the simulation. Thanksthanksthankssss
I've been educating myself about narcissism for the past 12 months, mostly via you tube and a few articles. I've always wanted to know how it feels to be one... how they think... having this information puts another peice in the puzzle for me. I'm only 20 minutes into the video, and I think I've just had my wish granted. Thanks for taking the time to articulate it, and put it across in such a clear concise format. Great Video Richard, Thank you
This brilliant Richard, a yo e that is still struggling plz do richard 30 day course for emotional literacy, inner critic ect if you do it completely daily all of it, I promise you that you will become well and move on in life . Heal . Its changed my life . ❤It is ground breaking .
Excellent Excellent video Richard!!! Love the why and how it creates intrigue point...so many valuable simple truths here!!!! Your breaking it down beautifully! Thanks so much! and sex is beautiful with someone you wholeheartedly feel safe with..the rest is just sick and twisted...just my humble opinion❤
Just started this video... Super interesting exercise. Made me realize how removed i would have to be from any real intimacy or connection from a person in order to do that. If I was vulnerable and really cared and did the insults i think guilt would kick in. I would feel guilty for harming someone I cared for. So in order to make comments to lower their self esteem i would have to really be cold/not care for them. I can see how empathy and conscience are "collaborative" in this regard, running along the same path (for lack of a better word.)
When you analize it like this it’s horrific and it’s only by the grace of god that we Havnt all committed suicide over it . The damage is ongoing and if we escape the nut house over this it’s a miracle . It’s unbelievable the demonic mind of this thing ( creature ) that’s wants to destroy us . Pray to god to rid that damage from your mind he will help get rid of that thing . Amen 🙏
So funny, so often heard from a man how important he finds sex and I went 🙄 here we go again, it's not that important, especially not on a first date. But I don't date anymore, that's not important too. I live my life and yes there are still narcissistic influences (from strangers), but I usually exposed them quite quickly. Then, for example, they come up with something sad and heavy and I say that I don't have time for it, usually it becomes a rage and a lot of ugly words then I block them immediately. Rejecting a 'compliment' also works well. Doing nice and sweet isn't difficult, be respectful during an argument, or feeling of rejection is. So, better skip the nice and sweet part as soon as possible, be direct (not insulting) and watch what happens.
Thank you for the exercise in the beginning of the video. In the of the relationship with the nercissistic person, especially towards the end, you/ i sometimes wondered, if i was the narc. This exercise made it cristall clear to me, i wasnt. I found it harrowing and very alien to even trying to imagine doing all this. Thank you for clarifying.
You have to allow your system to come down from it because it's been put into such a highly stressed out, overwhelmed, dysregulated, disassociated, and anxious state that you feel like it's screaming in agony and you're feeling so much anguish. Give it a few months and you'll start to already normalize (at least to what your normal levels are if you suffer with anxiety and depression) it seems you won't come down at the moment but you will. Allow yourself to experience quite, peace, and enjoyment and immerse yourself in it and allow yourself to feel yourself. Then after that you'll start to realize things and how not good it is for you and your system to be around these sort of people at all, and if you have to keep your distance and keep communication to a minimum.
Because of who your audience is.... you could tell us you're a narcissist a million times... we will still love you 😂 whether true or not 😉 thank you for helping me through my toughest times.
What he said about moving on by focusing on practical, realistic objectives in life i.e making money, working out etc. is spot on. The memories that used to push me to overwhelming disgust, anger, hurt, and so on seem so peripheral and small when my time and attention are dedicated to things that not only move my life forward but are also difficult and tiring. Life is tough enough without having to focus on a time I trusted someone who ripped me off, or what have you. Bad people exist, it's not that big of a deal, but it is important to keep them out.
Happy this worked for you 😊 My life being full never stopped me from ruminating unless it's really bad force majeure
Well said! It gives me some peace healing when others can articulate better then I could ever explain the complex dynamic and process of how one responds to this type of trauma . Thank you for sharing!
Yes I think practicality is the key & being realistic about situation. Irrespective of where you are or how much you try to shield yourself there are narcissistic people out there in society. Getting therapy & taking practical steps towards a holistic lifestyle/approach is all we can really do, as well as educating ourselves against these kinds of people. I was stalked by a psychopath for two years. I simply dwelled on the 'why me' for too long instead of moving forward. I believe they only decided to leave me alone as they didn't fail to break up my relationship or my family despite me hitting rock bottom & having a manic induced episode due to the incessant trauma I was being put through, plus the police were useless in offering support or resolving the case. They told me 'yes your phone has been hacked' but that was about it. I changed phones & the same thing happened despite all the precautions I put in place; it was really frightening being preyed upon by a tech savvy psychopath. It's not as if you get a break from cyberstalking either as we rely on technology for everything it pervaded every aspect of my life. I think technology and how this can be utilised by narcs & psychopaths really needs to be discussed. My story is different as I didn't go through the shared fantasy etc I merely frequented a server/discord that had an unsavoury character in it, it was little more than opportunism in my opinion. I'm all for your very proactive approach- I see so many people dwelling in their misery instead of trying to move forward. I also see a very high percentage of people claiming to be a narc & psychopath victim when they really have no notion of what that really involves (ie they were probably in a relationship with a disagreeable person, a not very nice person or they're equally as disagreeable judging by how they present themselves online. It's easy to point the finger as opposed to looking to oneself). What the whole ordeal did give me was the chance to look at my own behaviour & how I was contributing some negative attributes to my own relationship & vice versa. I'm a pragmatist at heart & like to think there's a lesson to me learned from any situation irrespective of how unfair it seems or dire.
It took me two years to start feeling like me again. I'm still not there yet. A year and a half later, after I left him, I felt like someone else. I had habits I didn't recognize, expressions that weren't mine, weird things like facial movements, hand movements, gestures, that were not ME. I'm finally starting to feel okay. I hope I never see him again.
@@naiyalexictook me 5 years, and now at 7 years memories and feelings can still intrude my mind and being, working on acceptance of bad choices and HOW I was trained to make them.
"My whole position is I want you close to me, not because I love you but because you're my favourite dumping ground"... Absolutely spot on
How does this not have a million thumbs-ups? They will say something to you then deny, deny, deny. They will do things then DENY. They'll LITERALLY slap you across the face then say I NEVER TOUCHED YOU. You imagined it. That wasn't a slap. Oh you're exaggerating. They will fucking make you crazy if you let them. Just leave.
My simplified answer to quickly stop myself descending into "why?"
"Why? Because evil people do evil things"
@@alternat8771 "Why you? WHY anybody?" Kurt Vonnegut
I believe more confusion comes from brutal reality - that toxic people, psychopaths are in power, they are protected, their money keeps them out of jail - and there is nothing to stop them - and everyone pretends that toxic people do not exist. Starting with CBT who brainwash traumatized people into this BS belief:
"Intense fear: disproportionate to the actual risk of most social situations, worrying for days before a party for example"
This was the hardest thing for me to accept - that my parents and siblings never loved me. Not that they ever told me that they loved me, but I was constantly subjected to the view that family means love and that to love the family means that I must comply, even if compliance hurt me, and I must never, ever, complain about it. It took me so long to walk away and stay away. It took accepting this hard fact that they did not love me, and never did. And it took so long because growing up like this taught me that I wasn’t loveable without them. Luckily, I did find the strength to walk away. And I met someone who taught me what real love is, and real love is not inextricably linked to the concept of family. It’s linked to concepts like respect, dignity, caring about the other, wanting someone to do well, lifting someone up, not pulling someone down, and accepting someone as they are, warts and all. And when two people meet who share these same values, it’s like heaven on earth. And you will be able to see that what went before was just a facade, a mask, masquerading as love but is in fact, contempt.
its called corruption, its very common, almost ubiquitous. its not YOU. the people who benefit by going along with corruption, the ones who always seem to get by or thrive in a corrupt system, they benefit, they are corrupt. it is very hard to accept that close family members are corrupt, but this is a fact. many many many seemingly good americans ARE corrupt. its just a fact that we must face, or stay in a state of confusion.
accepting the commonness of corruption in our society is the first step to changing it.
this starts at home.
i watched a family member literally put her mostly healthy mother in a state nursing home, steal her wealth and then set herself up in a custom home for life, at the expense of all the other family members. and she did it so casually, so matter of factly.
corruption. period.
this person is now a retired teacher. a teacher. a corrupt teacher. a teacher that went to work appearing to be mother teresa, while ripping off her entire family in her time off. a teacher. a corrupt teacher.
when i recognize corruption outside myself, and that i have not gone along with it to my benefit, in any way, then i realize i am ok, i am not corrupt. i am different than they are.
this is where the peace lies. when you realize you are not at all part of it.
I’m learning that there is absolutely no limit to the pain a narcissist will inflict on their target/supply to make themselves seem validated and valuable even when they have the lowest self esteem possible and carry a lifetime of shame and secrets
I keep thinking since I left and moved far away the attacks again me would stop. It’s gotten worse 14 years later. Does it ever stop? He keeps using a public platform and other people to slander me. No, there’s no contact. He’s using our children.
@alycewarr5332
Sue the b*s t*rd
Out of any coach your the only one that when I listen to I feel I can overcome this one day. Thank you
Same! I’ve been listening and learning from dozens of coaches in this field for 5 months and just came across this channel a few weeks ago. THANK YOU Richard!!!!
I like him as well, but I think he has a little dash of narcism for real - set a thief to catch a thief!!
the entire relationship with a narcissist is nothing more than us being obsessed with the image of our own perfect (false) ego. it's hard to let go of. very hard to realize it's a hologram. and even then nearly impossible. but can be done.
I hope you're right because this pattern is getting old.
The ex used you say to me “at least you know your place,” after some humiliating situation he would put me in. I finally said yes, top of the world & I don’t like it when you say that to me. He did not respond in that moment- but things grew steadily worse between us afterward. My god these people are loath-some
No one is obsessed. They have trauma bonding to unravel.
Exactly.. smh
"I'm sorry you interpreted it that way."
“All of your be-wilderness will disappear into the wilderness”
Richard Grannon you made me laugh out loud! Love that! actually putting on my healing board as my motto of the week💯🙌🏼
People learn because they want freedom. ~Rosie, The Tale of Rose 🌹
Most of the people here are probably still obsessed with the narcissist, because it gives them a reason to be obsessed with the super hot Richard Grannon and keep watching his videos ❤😂
Because of intermittent reinforcement. We hope (against the evidence) to get the good (which sometimes comes) more consistently.
🎯
Yes…and although it’s *so* painful to break the addiction (frigging trauma bonds 😫), this is why going fully No Contact is so important!
I have seen a lot of your material and found some value in much of it, but this one really, clearly gets at the root of how narcissistic abuse works. Might be your best video to date. Thanks for your work in this area. You're helping untold numbers.
Yes, fefinitely there is a Delusion not recognizing the pathological lies, the contempt, the repeated sabatoge, of everything that is important. He is Psychotic. I was kind, I was agreeable, I did not want any drama, chaos, violence. I lost alot. At least I live quietly and with Peace.
I lived this life too
Me too 💪 I sentenced myself to 38 years with him! But I am healing. We can do it! It is hard work. But the peace on the other side is getting more and more and more attainable 🎉
Yes, he sabotaged my career, my graduate studies, sabotaged my home I bought as a single person, sold it against my wishes then abandoned me and took all of the financial assets leaving only with debt. I pray I die soon, I am old, I dont want to continue living in these circumstances. Please pray for me.
If it helps at all, they didn't actually do that to you - they did it to the parent who didn't give them what they needed.
Don't give the narc the satisfaction. Please keep moving forward. It's not easy, it takes time, but it does get better. You got this💚💚💪🏼💪🏼
Please say this prayer sincerely: Jesus come into my heart!!! God will fill your heart with healing!!
Stay positive. Dont give up on yourself. Get plugged in with lots of support. You are not alone.
One day at a time. 🙏🏻
I completely get what you have written. This is where I am and have been for 5 years. It's hard to recognise that there are people who love and care for you just waiting to help. Sometimes it feels like a failure to confide in someone and actually ask, but there are people, agencies, and groups who will step up. The best revenge is to live well.
Please, consider taking a chance. Best wishes.
How sad am I that I wanted so much to be his one favorite trash can.
But… he eventually turned his attention from me to everywhere that wasn’t me. :(
You are on fire lately RG. Your recent content has been so very validating and helpful for moving on 👏 Thank you.
I was the best toaster he had for 33 years. I was put on the shelf so many weekends (while he’s off on his double lives), but when he came home, he loved toast. He wanted toast, then put the toaster away again until next time he wanted toast. It took a solid year to mourn the end of everything, including his death 2 years ago. I am finally feeling happiness again and enjoying my life. All the bad stuff falling far behind now. Watching tons of videos, tons of self care, being with friends, and great therapy. Im free for real
He was my friend for 20+ years. I didn't know what a narcissist was for that entire period of time until very recently and it all sort of clicked once I started educating myself. All the red flags / weird behavior over the years suddenly made sense. I've gone no contact, but I still care about the guy. It's a tough situation. He was so vile towards me, so envious, so jealous. The thing is, I feel pity for him more than any kind of hatred. I still think about our "friendship" and the good times we had, but he became a borderline bully towards me in the last few years before I cut things off for good.
It's tough man, it feels like I lost a brother or something.
I can totally relate. It’s hard for me to not feel bad because I don’t think they really realize their behavior but that doesn’t make it okay or less toxic. I’d been friends with them for over 30 years. Went no contact 9 years ago without knowing anything about narcissism. Resumed the friendship about 2 years ago, thinking they’d changed. Last couple years there was some strange behaviors, some old, some new. When looking up these traits and behaviors I realized he’s a narcissist and it all clicked and made more sense. Even without knowing about narcissism I went no contact years ago and I should’ve stayed with that decision.
@@KenDavis-uo8kq That was my mistake as well. I originally went no contact for about 2 years, but same as you I didn't know what narcissism was, and he was acting like a total jerk. He hoovered me back and I accepted, but the second time got even more toxic and weirder. Should've trusted my gut. I don't think that these people can get better without some hardcore therapy. It seems like they get worse over time actually. The way they think and perceive people is a brain defect and cannot be fixed.
@@3nigma2013 Right? That’s spot on. It’s sad and baffling.
11:05 wow! Exactly this. I experienced this daily. There wasn’t much room for me in the relationship. It was their bottomless needs and their intense emotions. They would say they wanted me to take up time in the relationship but that didn’t happen. The relationship was consuming my life. I had nothing left for anyone else in my life. Later in the relationship I began to wonder if they really loved me. At points where I imagine they felt they were losing their grip on me they would say I love you in such a dramatic way. Like during conflict they’d tell me all the things i was doing wrong and then throw in “I f*cking love you!!” Or directly after conflict the love bombing would start and it was constant I love you and all the flowery compliments. Going through the cycle over and over it felt like words were used for manipulation and control. I felt so smothered and used up. I felt like an emotional wastebasket like you say and the phrases you mention. I’ve heard them over and over.
Please don't say you're a narcissist- that you've lied. thats creepy. Seriously- after all the good support and knowledge and healing you've given people. Theres trust there, Richard. Please don’t jack with trust. We've all had enough of that sh$t. Peace.
i understand how that seems wrong, but dark humor and sarcasm is part of his character snd i can relate because i also sooth myself with playful joking🖤
He's the evil youtube man... you didn't know that ?😂
I love Dark humour, but that wasn't a joke. That's Richard letting you know how stupid he thinks you are. He's psychopathic, but he's charming and likeable. It's all simulation and acting. And he's good at it. He studies people and knows how to work them from the back. Anything he does that's prosocial is for his own gain. That's what this channel is, dearie. And the way I look at it, he could be doing a lot worse.
The whole idea is the narcissist speaks and gives their perspective, think you've missed the point of the exercise
@@SRPA476I think it's just dark humour used as a means of expressing a deeper truth. Do I get the uncanny valley from Richard, no. I'm a mental health professional & well versed in 'caring' for these kind of clients. He's confident & probably less agreeable as a result of being ensnared in these kind of relationships himself. Indeed I used to be a very agreeable person & now I'm quite the antithesis in many ways for similar reasons. I think he finds it cathartic & there's nothing wrong with that. Let's contrast him with Vaknin who definitely is a narcissist & plays the game well; he's an undeniably very smart man who has expertise in this field not just by virtue of being a narcissist but due to how well read he is & how he's synthesised that data. I'm sure Richard has gone through a lot of therapy & built up many defences to get to point where he's at. He's put himself in a position of authority by being well versed on the literature & kudos to him for that which probably feeds his ego & not necessarily in a bad way. I see healthy confidence not a warped perception of self. The fact he was taken in by Vaknin/under his tutelage I can't see many narcs doing either as they perceive themselves or those of the cerebral variety as the epitome of knowledge indeed despite distancing himself from him (they fell out) he still credits him with his foundational knowledge- again not a narc attribute. From a cultural perspective I'm also from the Wirral where Richard is from - men are kind of expected to be stereotypically quite macho, intense etc which probably adds to his multi faceted character. The guy has travelled & given his age he's gonna be a perceptive guy & take confidence in that which I see as healthy. The fact he also calls people to action as opposed to just turning this into a theoretical exercise is also telling - why would an actual narc really want that when he can readily just prop up his business by selling a gimmick like Dr Ramani for example? I've seen him give free lecturers etc (sure the publicity helps but ones gotta make a living) which again I wouldn't expect a narc to go out of their way to do. In retrospect as Vaknin states it's easy to spot a narcissist they give off that uncanny valley right from the get go & this guy just doesn't do that for me.
Jennifer Freyd's work on betrayal blindness is really helpful in understanding these dynamics.
Thx i go watch
"cult of one"....yes, how appropriate that term is. The victim/target/devotee/follower losses themselves (and their own sexual preferences) as they become molded, indoctrinated into the narcissist"s preferences... You *think* that you like / prefer (insert sexual preference/activity here), but it's conditioning.
"What could you do or say to someone that would damage another person's self worth but in a way that was deniable.... like you didn't mean it, or that wasn't your intention, or they're just taking it the wrong way"
I cannot believe this is how these people think and operate and for what reason to people that are loving and helping them. It's disgusting...
cool new angle with the simulation, richard. and a handy takeaway: as soon as there’s a bewildering “why??” forget figuring it out-just SWERVE AWAY from that person. don’t get snagged on the WHY? super effective (for me) thank you. you’re slaying, grannon 👏
I had a very healing moment the other day with my narc. He did the same thing he always does by pulling in and pulling the rug...I didn't feel anything when he did it this time. Total observation, his sick twisted mind did not penetrate and he didn't control me. I no longer have these types of people in my life, this is attached to me with a kid but I live far away. I only deal with him when I need to because lies never come true.
I totally broke contact with the narc about 7 years ago and have been focused on (obsessed with) working through the experience. I'm in a pretty good place now with all that, but just yesterday I was walking back to my place and about half a block away a vehicle pulled up to the curb coming towards me and as I looked up the narc was sitting in the passenger seat - I was forever hoping she had passed away and left the planet. She fucking smiled at me and I just looked away and said FUCK!! to myself. The point is, despite my progress I found this highly triggering, like the child part of me felt the wound of betrayal and abandonment deeply again. To compound the experience, a FB friend suggestion last night was her new squeeze with her gumpy face on his profile pic. I promptly blocked him. Hence, I'm back in the narc recovery world looking at videos and narcs today. Thankfully your role play exercise has helped a lot. Thanks greatly. Meanwhile, how to deal with being triggered?
I have CPTSD and have had to deal with a large number of triggers. Here’s what I learned. Every trigger is tied to a lie; I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m too broken to be worthy of love, nobody can be trusted, I can’t handle this, the world is not a safe place, if I told anybody they wouldn’t believe me, nobody can be trusted, etc.
Each of these are a lie because they are in the form of an absolute. If they are not absolutely true, then they are false. That’s the first step.
The next step is to figure out what the truth is for each of those statements. The problem is that they feel true. Especially when those lies were implanted under high stress. Maybe some of them at one time even were true, but they are not true now .
For each of these lies that I uncover I write a new truth statement. For me, it is helpful to pray and ask God what the truth is because often I have believed that for so long I don’t know what the truth could be.
These lies get planted in the low brain and they are activated before the cognitive brain can evaluate them. So if I go back to the feeling and then I ask myself what did I tell myself right then, I can figure out what that implanted message was. it takes a little bit of practice, but once you recognize that inner dialogue, you will discover that there are more lies in there than you realize. The narcissist is very good at finding those lies and using them against us. That can really reinforce them.
I hope this helps. If you have any questions, I have a lot more information than what I’ve given you here but at least it’s a start.
I know exactly what you mean. When you were a target in this lifetime you better stay aware of this kind of settings this matrix put before you, just to confuse you. It also gives you the opportunity to give real time and attention to the trigger. What are the words of the feelings and when on your timeline did something occur. Use the words aware, acknowledge, allow and accept and for me it helps to combinate that with a breathing exercise a la Wim Hof or Sandy. They made this materialistic world theirs and we started to call it the world upside down because spiritually it is.
Hi. I get triggered by what he kicked up in me. Now I'm rethinking my ENTIRE family relationships. OMG by MOM!!! She was a natc! thought we all "fell out" one by one. Now, its looking and feeling like :discard" my whole sorry life. I feel like I am a big, fat funny Narc magnet and STUPID. Even estranged with both other kids who after a closer than close bond and "suddenly" for no reason, SEVERE, joint betrayal. My brother, and I don't have ONE friend, absolutely nobody to even say how are you and my earth is spinning. I dont even feel comfortable on here. I think narcs hang out here, That Savken guys makes me want to start shooting! When talks to "help" I feel mocked.
@@boxelder9167 Thank you much for this. I will digest and implement.
@@CamilleBreadshaw2.0 Focus on what you can do to move forward beyond relying on other people's affirmation of you. Do things that are good for you and feel good. Go for a walk. Visit a national park and walk among the trees. Welcome new friends and be the person you would like. We can always blame others and it does us no good. Just move on from what you life has been and reinvent yourself. I know i did.
Let’s talk about this.. The “still living with their debts”
I need rest sometimes, I need a day off sometimes. I feel like I’m gonna get in trouble.. I have to talk myself out of that way of thinking. And recall it was HIS idea of life and success that he pushed off onto me. Now I have to figure out how I want to live life…. He was so all consuming now I need to fill that void… it’s hard to know what I even want
“You have no friends”
Yeah because you got rid of them all!
Thanks Richard 🌷
I saw the recording and is was an eyeopening for me. I have had so many narcissist in my life that I have removed. Working on myself and peace and harmoni is my main focus for me now. But I got such a huge aha moment! OMG I completely understand something about my journey that I couldn't see before. So thank you so much for this recording!!🙏🙏🙏❤️
Be careful who you discuss this with, is my experience, a lot of people just do not get it and it causes more confusion. I still get asked are you going to have this person in your life, is there any resolution?
“ you never know, he might come and apologise” if he did it’s a hoover and I fell for it repeatedly in the past, only to be abused again after a short period of love bomb .
It’s a sibling. I think others find it hard to understand and also want to “fix” it. Plus all the societal nonsense about how families should be and you must preserve these relationships no matter what.
Questions to ask myself . How do I feel in the presence of this person ?
How do I feel after spending time with them?
Am I confused. Do I get an argument in my head after spending time with them ? Heathy relationships very rarely cause confusion and doubt.
Does this person have my best interests at heart. Robert Green has some really helpful insights on this.
And for me - go slow! Go slow, go slow.
I literally over heard an ex freind behind my back, thinking I couldn't hear, say, I need to 'bring her down a peg or two again'. I thought what the f for I didn't think I'd done anything negative toward them but then again the bewildering thing is I didn't have to.
What a shockingly arrogant comment from a former friend. I imagine also a disturbing thing to overhear.
I had a friend of 20 years and it was too much, she was too much. The last time we spent time she almost stabbed me in the middle of my hand with a sharp pointed spade. I didn't move fast enough for her. She says sorry but does it next week. Enough. She would also host parties to push a narrative. The food wasn't that good, lol.
I can set them off by merely straightening up my posture. That's all it takes.
Just being in a good mood or having a positive social interaction or finding a nice jacket at the thrift store. That's all it takes.
@@ronfox5519 Literally i know it's because they're so convinced everyone is doing something to them all the time while they try to convince everyone that's not how they think and feel. They go to great lengths to hide that fact that i always noticed about these sort of people because it's like you could be sat in a corner minding your own business and instant attack, very paranoid thoughts indeed.
@@Harteo3917
True
This is so absolutely accurate. When you said to imagine something that you could do to someone that would be deniable by the person..we were all thinking of our own real world experiences
I think the crazy part is that they don't throw jabs at you necessarily. Mine used stress and boundary violations to wear me down. Then she used other male attention type tactics to devalue me. But it seemed innocent. "I can't believe all they want is sex" is how she would play it. But the way she met them is how she seduces men so it's confusing making. And her apologies and words were good! They sounded just like the real thing minus empathy. She was a tricky subject. As you adapt your knowledge of npd they will adapt their mirroring. Thats why you need to figure out your end because you will never outsmart the npd system. Never. I was greedy in that I wanted a partner and love that I never had. I gaslight myself. I abandoned myself to be with her. That was leveraged against me. I have to learn to love myself and drop the fantasy I live in. And I have to stop abandoning myself. Because they are pretty obvious subjects and if you just disregard them as pathetic like they are they won't even hunt you. You have to be able to live in a fantasy version of a person so they can mirror that and become your fantasy for the game to start.
I am able to move forward a bit more today after struggling to let go of the ruminating sexual thoughts. Keeping me stuck and excepting the hoover.
Knowing if i do the work i can break the last piece of heart ache.
Thank you Richard
I dig your humor
One of the most poignant and freeing statements from this is that simple fact that there are people who like hurting people. And we get stuck because we keep trying to understand the why of that simple fact with our own coordinates which are completely incompatible with the desire to hurt people. Accept this fact about people and run with this understanding. There is no need to question any further or try to psycho-analyse it because that's really all there is to it.
I agree- but we enable them for the most part. Psychopathic people run the world. They dominate every social environment at every level of society. No one looks beyond charm, status, and good-looks. If you have any or all of those things, people play blind to your faults and will blame your victims. Life is different Outside of the therapeutic bubble.
I was scared for a minute. When I saw you at UCLA though, I saw your deep compassion. I could feel it, as you talked to attendees.
Richard, I thank you for always telling us the truth of the survivor process, this knowledge helps me to thrive in my healing & I definitely couldn’t do it without my therapist & supporting loved ones. You tell us the truth even if it’s hard to take in! The fight to win within is hard work but so worth it! I’m staying away from the ex Narcissist who caught me for 7 yrs. Thank you
The raw truth of your channel helps me heal further, even after 30 years. I apply all that knowledge to present day, which brings me so much confidence. TY Richard!
Mr Grannon, you are keeping me above water everyday. It's been 5 weeks I left after decade of abuse from a textbook definition of vulnerable narcissist. Please know you are saving my life thankyou!!!!!!!!
this psych WARFARE!!! I am so unprepared to deal
The simulations help me alot…when I feel like I’m split again, I replay it and it snaps me back into reality very quickly. Except then I feel stupid for letting him do this to me. Round and round I go… reintegrating myself is the greatest challenge of my life
The start when you seem irritated with the clock ticking in the background gave me the giggles 😂😂😂. Great video as always. Thank you! ❤❤❤
I definitely miss sex and intimacy, but at the grand old age of 60, I've definitely suffered enough to choose peace.
'Don't Leave Me Now' Pink Floyd The Wall
I don't have to imagine this, it happened to me by a neighbor i had nothing to do with but he hated me so much he started breaking in and destroying everything good in my life. Killed my pets and had the means to to influence everything most wouldn't even think of, using chemicals and frequencies. If you ever hear someone talk about these kinds of things believe them. The brain operates by frequency and easily manipulated. The technology of the cloud is also frequencies and easily altered, imagine the implications.
I don't know about you but I found it hard to be believed because of how bizarre the circumstances sounded. I was cyberstalked by I believe someone who had psychopathic tendencies for 2 years. It started off very overt - laughing, grunting etc down the phone & hacking my accounts & phone to really insidious stuff & people blamed by bipolar on it apart from my fiancé who said he couldn't explain some of the bizarre things he'd found on my iPad etc. This person I had nothing to do with either hence why I believe they were a psychopath it was all about the thrill & end game, probably see how mentally unwell I'd become. The irony is I'm a mental health professional & never believe this would happen to me.
Brain to brain interface has been commercially available since 2014 so for a high tech, connected criminal it doesn't even require internet activities
I couldn’t even think of anything bad to do during the simulation 😂. 😢
Oh my God, 3 mins in ! , I don't even need to watch the rest, but I will. At the moment , it is a family member,( forget the ex), I have released her of the burden of pretending to care about me. I have released people who have pretended to care about me when i cared and fought for them, I suggest to others to do the same, if it has become too much. Narcissists will do something , say something , or not ( silent treatment ) that shifts the reality to their advantage. When you can bring people together , then at a later date it's cool to isolate you, you know, I know the score, the slights. Richard you talk of the perpetrator/ perpetrators damaging our self worth, perfectly explained, it is a twisted compliment I suppose, but an extremely painful one. What we need to keep in mind is that someone bringing another down to prop themselves up is pathetic and very sad. I did not want to watch this vid , but glad I did. The way you explain gaslighting is spot on . Thanks Richard !
You said 100% truth here. All of it is truth that not many understand until you experienced it. Also, the part you said about how they do it because they need things 19:30. Those "things" they need become their fuel. They hide that guilty pleasure, the "item" they like/love/need. If you can find it and sometimes they reveal it when they are very happy... You can actually take that thing they need and keep feeding it to them. And in a way control them. They become hooked. But it can get dangerous when you want to stop... I discovered if I gave him that thing or things he likes so much he kept coming back (doesnt have to be se*ual). It was odd. Like their kryptonite... Has anyone experienced this? It is gross like you said, when you can see a master manipulator at work, it is dark, they truly wear this mask and you have seen them without the mask... At least I know with this video there are people out there that has gone through it and can relate. Thank you for this talk it helps.
I grow up in pack of people like that.Constant games .
my mother recommended this to me, since i had plans to cut off my father and he worked his way back into my life and I delayed my plans. I also just moved away from my aunt, who was also a narcissist, which I can confidently say due to this video. I know logically they both are, but the guilt and uncertainty that I’ve had my entire life (20 years) made it harder to see the way out.
I’ve never had such a clear perspective before. I’m 13 minutes in and I feel like I can see clearly again for the first time ever. I’ve had a lot of these individual realizations at various times, but summed up in the exercise all at once is… life changing.
The guilt tripping and gaslighting make it so hard to not feel evil for cutting off a parent. But being able to see it from the other side is…. terrifying and freeing
In response to the person asking about how to tell a lawyer about possible NPD - high conflict personality is the lingo to be used to describe the person. I am going through the same thing and with all the books on divorcing a Narcissist, that is one of the terms they tell us to use. And also to document behavior and actions and if there are children then how it all affects the children.
That's what i keep hearing the group of narcs that hang around in the game i play say "i need to teach them a lesson" and the things they say after that is ridiculous and sick the latest one "we need to bring down men who show their bare chest"🤔why? they can dress their characters how they want lol. I dunno they think they make any sense but they don't i'm not even going to try and understand it because there's nothing to understand they're just delusional obviously.
I've found learning about mirroring is the biggest part you could learn to become aware of your surroundings and to be able to properly read the room and the energy, i recommend doctor ramani's glossary of narcissistic relationships. It's really helped things click for me the most because instead i'm kind of anchoring myself to the general vibe of other people which is just chill, peaceful, and coexisting so it's not everyone at all trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
It's usually always highly narcissistic individuals causing the majority of issues and drama and my god they're constantly mirroring all the time... they've exhausting and annoying, it's so easy now to just move away, and the best part is i've got them mirroring me either keeping my distance or leaving the server lol they do the same probably to be petty but i'll just let them keep doing that🙂it's been good practise. Everyone else just wants to enjoy themselves.
Wow, this is so eye opening. That type of thinking is so foreign but it makes sense. All the cuts and digs at you. Weaponizing your most vulnerable weaknesses. When all you do is try to show them they're loved.
I've watched you off and on for years, Richard and I can't tell you how much I needed to see this video at 2AM when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Thank you for what you do and keep letting the folks you're pouring into encourage you to keep doing it! ❤️🩹
I'm 19 minutes in. You really did deliver a bit of a 'Life Saver' there Richard and thank you.
“I’m sorry for what you think I said.”
But “you’re hearing things.”
“I didn’t say that.”
Regarding the exercise:
I’ve had to react to my ex husband in a similar way, because I learned the behavior from him… it was the only way I could communicate with him, without him shutting down the conversation and leaving the room.
I’m trying to get rid of it now. But it’s very hard because I don’t like having to “let go” of all the injustice. It’s very hard to not think about and never talk about again.
(48:13) “I can’t do this anymore, just give me peace” . Yup! Exactly that feeling - I just want out of this nightmare. It was an illusion and our sex life was a tool he used to make it feel real. Our relationship was so hyper sexualized, he wanted it all the time, multiple times a day for years, everywhere, I got used to the excitement and passion of it all and sadly, eventually after love bombing phase in the beginning then after each Hoover another love bombing phase with lots of passionate kissing and love making when I soon realized how I heavily relied on that as the only form of intimacy I got with him in our relationship.. Sex was the only time I felt close or connected with him, I was so desperate for any kind of loving affection and connection I eagerly accepted this sad reality.
All my x boyfriend narcissist wanted was me to love him and he fell in love with my love for him.
He even said it. I wanted your love and you gave it and after 5 years of playing he just dumped me and said he was perfectly fine on his own and he is.
He was a trauma bonding situation.
He was so familiar.
Likeness to my parents. In the extreme.
Then he turned and said you knew I was cheating and you stayed even though he lied and lied and said he wasn't then he admitted it and blamed me for being in the wrong not him.
They mentally twist everything.
They are so abusive and so sick and they are so dishonest.
Only for my own trauma I would never have put up with this shit. I had it 4 times and had a breakdown.
He had no concern for my wellbeing in a psychiatric hospital.
He fucked me over again when I came home.
Very dangerous people.
Very messed up.
And they can't love.
Everything is a false impression of what they wish they were
The first bit of the video is powerful if you do it.
You be making a lot of sense, thank you
My narcissist friend said she was 'gutted' when I told her I was having a baby because she intended not to have children herself (?), a narcissist man I was involved with many years ago suddenly disappeared out of my life with no explanation never to be seen again, my narcissist mother - when I was complemented on my looks would say 'It's all make up'. The lesson? As soon as you realise you have a narcissist in your life, walk away.
Thank you, Richard, for making this video. Thank you for making it available for everyone.
A good actor you certainly are.. you're healing is showing, Richard! 🥰
....your* - dammit, Sierra. 🤣
Some assertion of control from an Upper Mid-Ranger.
Wow. This really illuminated things for me. That explains a lot and helps incredibly.
Just commenting to support the algorythm. But not gonna listen. I’ve had it with videos about the narcissist. Stay safe and best wishes with complete healing everyone. Peace
I’m very grateful for your wisdom and knowledge on this subject!
You’re very spot on!
God bless you and you are all in my prayers!
Please keep em coming; so desperately needed!
This is an absolutely brilliant approach Richard. It made my head spin and my heart clench but I finally GOT IT. Now I understand why he felt he “needed” to put me in my place and why it felt like he was always taking offence at every little thing I said (which was extremely confusing). I spent hours trying to explain to no avail.
Whenever he criticized me in front of his adult daughters they would smirk and puff up along the lines of “we know better”. So he wasn’t just shooting me down but at the same time he was getting brownie points with his daughters. 🤦♀️
Richard G you know your stuff, thanks for keeping it real. The way you deliver the reality of the scenario. Yep you are funny, real, and about the healing because you really have been there. Woohoo, anyone plugging in to you has an opportunity to begin to move forward and start the ever long path to healing from this kind of abuse.
Your heart and soul is yours,alone - shame on anyone who tries to destable and throw under the bus another person's existence.
Confusion is why we are here listening, because our minds and hearts have been played, big time. Eventually you will see this as warrior training.
Wow! Thank you, Richard.
Hi Richard, amongst the things i bisect on this channel 😝 is how you still come up with new perspectives, angles and layers of healing, pretty ✨🦣 often. Yeyeah we are walking alongside as you journey (several years, me). Still! This video is about the tenth major pot of gold. There have been constant easter eggs alloverthuhplace. Today you talked about being a bin. This took me back to accusing someone of treating me like a bin for their guilty conscience (haha they didn’t have one of course) - hey i was close 😀 i loved the simulation. Thanksthanksthankssss
The simulation is very helpful and your answers to questions are so so good.
I've been educating myself about narcissism for the past 12 months, mostly via you tube and a few articles.
I've always wanted to know how it feels to be one... how they think... having this information puts another peice in the puzzle for me.
I'm only 20 minutes into the video, and I think I've just had my wish granted.
Thanks for taking the time to articulate it, and put it across in such a clear concise format.
Great Video Richard,
Thank you
OMG, Richard! Distraction disorder!! Perfect description.
This description I can relate too. I’ve even had contemplated if he had adhd.
Thanks Richard really good recording.
That simulation very quite powerful and illuminating
I’ve been waiting for this one 😅
Thanks Richard Grannon!
This is a hard exercise! I used mirroring and that was the beginning of the end. Thank you for your wisdom.
To me sexual energy is sacred it’s the creational power, it can cause entanglements once entwined you pick up on their inner demons too ❤
This brilliant Richard, a yo e that is still struggling plz do richard 30 day course for emotional literacy, inner critic ect if you do it completely daily all of it, I promise you that you will become well and move on in life . Heal . Its changed my life . ❤It is ground breaking .
Excellent Excellent video Richard!!! Love the why and how it creates intrigue point...so many valuable simple truths here!!!! Your breaking it down beautifully! Thanks so much! and sex is beautiful with someone you wholeheartedly feel safe with..the rest is just sick and twisted...just my humble opinion❤
Thanks so much Richard!
Just started this video... Super interesting exercise. Made me realize how removed i would have to be from any real intimacy or connection from a person in order to do that. If I was vulnerable and really cared and did the insults i think guilt would kick in. I would feel guilty for harming someone I cared for. So in order to make comments to lower their self esteem i would have to really be cold/not care for them. I can see how empathy and conscience are "collaborative" in this regard, running along the same path (for lack of a better word.)
When you analize it like this it’s horrific and it’s only by the grace of god that we Havnt all committed suicide over it . The damage is ongoing and if we escape the nut house over this it’s a miracle . It’s unbelievable the demonic mind of this thing ( creature ) that’s wants to destroy us . Pray to god to rid that damage from your mind he will help get rid of that thing . Amen 🙏
So funny, so often heard from a man how important he finds sex and I went 🙄 here we go again, it's not that important, especially not on a first date. But I don't date anymore, that's not important too. I live my life and yes there are still narcissistic influences (from strangers), but I usually exposed them quite quickly. Then, for example, they come up with something sad and heavy and I say that I don't have time for it, usually it becomes a rage and a lot of ugly words then I block them immediately. Rejecting a 'compliment' also works well. Doing nice and sweet isn't difficult, be respectful during an argument, or feeling of rejection is. So, better skip the nice and sweet part as soon as possible, be direct (not insulting) and watch what happens.
Perfect video for me today! Thank you so much. Got discarded 2 months ago
Ahaha Richard you are the greatest narcisist and had us all 😂
Thank you for the exercise in the beginning of the video.
In the of the relationship with the nercissistic person, especially towards the end,
you/ i sometimes wondered, if i was the narc. This exercise made it cristall clear to me, i wasnt.
I found it harrowing and very alien to even trying to imagine doing all this. Thank you for clarifying.
You have to allow your system to come down from it because it's been put into such a highly stressed out, overwhelmed, dysregulated, disassociated, and anxious state that you feel like it's screaming in agony and you're feeling so much anguish.
Give it a few months and you'll start to already normalize (at least to what your normal levels are if you suffer with anxiety and depression) it seems you won't come down at the moment but you will. Allow yourself to experience quite, peace, and enjoyment and immerse yourself in it and allow yourself to feel yourself. Then after that you'll start to realize things and how not good it is for you and your system to be around these sort of people at all, and if you have to keep your distance and keep communication to a minimum.
I have tried a good book! It was very nice. So realistic. You always ground me with your humor and insight. ❤
I loved your exercise. Very helpful in understanding why they do these things.
VERY helpful! Thankyou
Because of who your audience is.... you could tell us you're a narcissist a million times... we will still love you 😂 whether true or not 😉 thank you for helping me through my toughest times.
Thank you Richard.
thank you ❤ this video helped me a lot 🙏
Great questions too!