As a securely attached person who has lately been interacting with a lot of emotionally unhealthy people, I found this extremely validating. Wish I could broadcast this short to everyone who needs to hear it.
As a very insecurely-raised person who is finally understanding secure attachment and how to connect in healthy ways, I was starting to lose hope that anyone was securely attached anymore. Thanks for reminding me that healthy people are still out there, just maybe in hiding lol
@@IrethAmandilfor sure there are people with secure attachment and a lot of people with unsecure attachment that are not unhealthy or toxic or "label". Something we have to learn also is to trust our guts, not just words (I can tell you the most really dangerous persons in my life could give you a wonderful speech on attachment and narcissism, and how toxic people are😮)
As some one that went from anxious to secure attachment, it took me a long time to get there, to be able to be strong to hold boundaries and to realize that I have to look after myself, this is so validating
I've realized it long ago, but... how did you get to override the *need* for external validation? All I was able to do was feel more and more isolated and hopeless... despite having found friends who see me and understand me.... at the core, it's the loneliest I've ever felt! ... can you tell me how you did it? ... thank you for sharing. 🙏✨️
@@sararodrigues1226i think it’s a glass half full not half empty kind of thing. You need to feel the enjoyment and the freedom of not validating constantly people who try to control you demean you and be toxic or disrespectful. You need to feel howfrejng and beautiful it really is more than feel how alone you are when you reject those people. Never forget this: you would feel lonely with them anyway. Overtime you will attract emotionally intelligent and sane people who value you for you. You need to find hope and love especially self love in that. You are worth that
My parents didn’t do this for me but through a lot of work I got to the place where everything else you said is true for me, and I’ll tell you I have never been more relaxed or enjoyed my life more 🎉
Is it just me or does this feel sped up?! I had to pause it with each phrase to take in and listened to it three times! Wise words. I'm striving to learn these things.
Yes just wanted to write this comment too.. she says right things but it is too fast 😅 as if a few seconds longer will already be way too long for a short video/peoples attention spans
My mom hated when others were happy,so we all had to be sad as her to keep her company in misery..took me directly to depression ... And at the end of the day we werent there for her anyway,she was THE endllllessssss victim
With a lot of therapy I feel like I’m more this type of person than the anxiously attached person I’ve been most of my life. Though I may be full of crap since I haven’t been in an intimate relationship since my husband died 10 years ago but I find my friendships and other relationships are healthier than they’ve ever been. I find myself not wondering about all the anxiously attached things I did with relationships before. It’s growth I suppose.
I feel this. A friend and I recently had opposing opinions on a topic and I was waiting for them to start making passive-aggressive comments or never ask to hang out again. Those things didn't happen and we're still friends and enjoy each other's company. It's weird but awesome
I mean, I don’t love “I expect you to be able to take care of yourself”…everybody needs care sometimes. We shouldn’t expect people to be okay alone. We can’t even necessarily expect people to be emotionally healthy. We shouldn’t be enmeshed, but I don’t think hyperindividualism is healthy either. We SHOULD be checking in on our friends, just not an excessive amount or basing our own self esteem on it. Not actively pursuing relationships at all is only healthy based on a white western hyperindividualistic mindset.
I don't think she put that much weight on it (but I don't know for certain). The way I took it was like, if I can't take care of the other person right now they'll be ok and it won't be the end of the world if they have to wait or seek help from someone else. You make good points though. We're creatures who need each other and shouldn't act like we're self-sufficient hermits that don't need other humans. I wish I knew why that message exists in society because it's so wrong, but plenty of people seem to think that's how we should be--hermits.
I don’t think it’s meant in that way. It’s about not being codependent but interdependent. Where when you need support, I am here, but I expect you to take care of yourself by voicing your needs, communicating your boundaries, asserting yourself, regulating yourself, and taking care of your overall health as an adult. It doesn’t mean I won’t be there for you or advocate for you, but I shouldn’t be the sole one doing it because you don’t know how to do it for yourself.
I know so so so few people who had this kind of upbringing. Or are able to give that to their kids. I'm sure there are some people out there that had this but I'm telling you out of the people I know not a lot. And maybe that's why we are doing better and better on understanding things and progressing. I guess that's what evolution is. Lets keep going! ❤🎉
I think my boyfriend is secure and he's such a good influence on my anxious self. I still have to do the work on myself. He can't fix me but it helps me to know he's willing to work on things with me.
@CatherinePawsey I’ve found that in the past, I felt avoidant with anxious attachment people and I was more anxious and insecure with avoidant attachment people… which mirrored how I felt with my parents. I’d manifest people who mirrored my parents until I healed those wounds and patterns inside myself. My mother was anxiously attached to me and suffocated me and I always felt like running away from her because I couldn’t be my own person with her and live my own life nor was I emotionally safe with her since she had Borderline Personality Disorder as well … and my father was very avoidant and passive which set up this desperation in me and needing him or some kind of fatherly presence in my life yet he was never there and would always choose himself when things got challenging and would walk away… So maybe it’s a similar situation with you? Did you have one parent you felt secure with and another you felt anxious with and was always trying to get their love and attention? There is also disorganized attachment where there was no set pattern for safety and connection… and you’re in an unsafe situation and your body is telling you to run but you know that’s not safe so you have to live against what your body is telling you all the time. It’s a combination of the two… abandonment trauma which creates anxious attachment and enmeshment trauma which creates avoidant… experiencing both creates disorganized attachment. Maybe it would be helpful to look into if you’re not familiar with it.
as a set of behaviours it can be linked to certain triggers or how certain relationships feel. Implies you've learnt both ways (the 'types' are not iron clad separations between people). You can have it with authority figures or supporters too
What I've done as an ex anxiously attached person is I learned how to challenge my thoughts and once I trained myself to have a higher self esteem attachments became easier. I still have days where I feel like I'm not lovable but it gets easier
Lots of self work through learning to really love ourselves not just if we do something well but see ourselves as humans with flaws that aren't fatal. Reparenting. Exercise, emdr & energy medicine. Yoga, meditation. Therapy. Books, videos, friends, dance, somatic exercises... So much work But amazing that we have access to the resources!! ❤❤❤❤ Good luck on your healing journey
Who is like this though? It's like an impossible, perfectionistic ideal. Maybe in some privilged parts of the world, but otherwise..i don't know anyone who can tick all or most of those statements honestly.. what a messed up world.
Yes love this ❤ it feels like diving deep into the unfamiliar when you learn to become this over time with constant reminding and practice. Believe me it is possible you can do it - no matter what attachment style you used to be it’s all a pattern and patterns can change if you choose so 🫶
Okay, but this also veers pretty hard into individualism territory And we have way too much of that. We don't do community that actually takes care of each other. I don't think you should expect people to take care of themselves. You should trust them When it's happening, and presume their competence, but People get suddenly disabled all the time for all sorts of reasons, and you shouldn't expect them to take care of themselves. I don't know if this is a wording thing, but that rubs me wrong. We also have to account for that, like, in USian culture we view actual community That has real functioning interdependence, and nobody has to take care of themselves all the time. We call that co-dependency and call it unhealthy.
I See This in the part when she say "you can tell me What u need" so basically it is okay to get help but ur healty enough to communicate that something is Wrong.
To people with codepence/anxious attachment style or other unhealthy patterns of relating, healthy individuation can seem cold or even abusive. Conversely, someone with a dismissive attachment style will find healthy interdependence overly needy. The secure person asks for what they need and wants the people in their lives to do the same, and they're generally amenable to helping those they care about--they just don't want (or even know how) to play toxic emotional games such as mind reading or manipulation to meet those needs.
It may be the wording. Secure attachment is the healthiest type of attachment. It is the one that builds strong communities. The other attachment styles; anxious, avoidant and disorganized, are sometimes called attachment injury. They are unhealthy and can make relationships ( friend, family, romantic, any kind) For example, an avoidant and sometimes disorganized attachment style is formed when a parent lets their child cry without attending to their needs, the child will change its behaviour by not crying when it needs something. The child learned that cries get ignored therefore it is safer to conserve its energy in case it has to wait longer before it is fed. For example of anxious attachment, the caregiver has severe anxiety and they are always near a panic attack when alone with their child. The child learns to be anxious of everything. Once grown up these people may struggle with relationships. One will be overly independent and will hate having to rely on others. The other will be so anxious they will be in their head and afraid of what their partner is feeling. In an anxious hypervigilance they will try to guess how their partner is feeling but way too anxious to ask. Someone with an anxious attachment in a relationship with the ultra, independent person (avoidant) will make a very dysfunctional relationship. One is so independent they won’t check in with the other, and the other person will be so anxious that they’ll assume they’re being avoided because the other person‘s mad. Two people with secure attachment in a relationship together looks like two people who trust each other, feel comfortable communicating with each other and are able of being vulnerable together. Unhealthy attachment fill communities with anxiety, insecurity and avoidance. What does healthy attachment look like within a community? Securely attached people will lean on each other. They won’t feel like a burden if they need to ask for help. They have empathy and warmth. It is also a circle of people that feels safe.
It might be the wording because it sounded to me that their health and mood doesnt soleily depend on the other person, although they can ask for help. Community is important for support and companionship but also for accountability and growth.
I don't understand people telling video content creators to speed up/slow down. That's what the video playback speed button is for. Set it where you prefer. Problem solved.
As a securely attached person who has lately been interacting with a lot of emotionally unhealthy people, I found this extremely validating. Wish I could broadcast this short to everyone who needs to hear it.
ya also when you grew up with unhealthy people and managed to heal, you really stay away from unhealthy people ...!
@ boy is that ever true. no time or energy for that nonsense.
That’s interesting. Why do you think you’re having a wave of encounters with these people? I’m just curious.
As a very insecurely-raised person who is finally understanding secure attachment and how to connect in healthy ways, I was starting to lose hope that anyone was securely attached anymore. Thanks for reminding me that healthy people are still out there, just maybe in hiding lol
@@IrethAmandilfor sure there are people with secure attachment and a lot of people with unsecure attachment that are not unhealthy or toxic or "label".
Something we have to learn also is to trust our guts, not just words (I can tell you the most really dangerous persons in my life could give you a wonderful speech on attachment and narcissism, and how toxic people are😮)
As some one that went from anxious to secure attachment, it took me a long time to get there, to be able to be strong to hold boundaries and to realize that I have to look after myself, this is so validating
I've realized it long ago, but... how did you get to override the *need* for external validation? All I was able to do was feel more and more isolated and hopeless... despite having found friends who see me and understand me.... at the core, it's the loneliest I've ever felt! ... can you tell me how you did it? ... thank you for sharing. 🙏✨️
Yes!
It is doable!!
It is so worth the work it takes, isn’t it?!!!
💖
@@sararodrigues1226i think it’s a glass half full not half empty kind of thing. You need to feel the enjoyment and the freedom of not validating constantly people who try to control you demean you and be toxic or disrespectful.
You need to feel howfrejng and beautiful it really is more than feel how alone you are when you reject those people.
Never forget this: you would feel lonely with them anyway.
Overtime you will attract emotionally intelligent and sane people who value you for you.
You need to find hope and love especially self love in that. You are worth that
Thank you for letting us know what it is supposed to look like!
My parents didn’t do this for me but through a lot of work I got to the place where everything else you said is true for me, and I’ll tell you I have never been more relaxed or enjoyed my life more 🎉
I feel like I should listen to this daily
I need this attachment style 😩
-A true anxious-avoidant
I had terrible parents but my therapist and self care is a plus. My partner is so secure I luv that
Is it just me or does this feel sped up?! I had to pause it with each phrase to take in and listened to it three times! Wise words. I'm striving to learn these things.
I literally just wrote this comment. Trying to take it all in - listening on loop cause it goes so fast
Goes very fast indeed
it's hyper frantic unlistenable manic production - "style" 🙄
Yes just wanted to write this comment too.. she says right things but it is too fast 😅 as if a few seconds longer will already be way too long for a short video/peoples attention spans
So I am not supposed to read people's minds?! How come I just felt the realization?! Thank you soo much, you are changing my life with this videos!!
My mom hated when others were happy,so we all had to be sad as her to keep her company in misery..took me directly to depression ...
And at the end of the day we werent there for her anyway,she was THE endllllessssss victim
Oh my god I need to keep listening to this over and over- it goes so fast and I’m trying to take it all in
Being like this from the start would be such an advantage in life. I'm working on it.
With a lot of therapy I feel like I’m more this type of person than the anxiously attached person I’ve been most of my life. Though I may be full of crap since I haven’t been in an intimate relationship since my husband died 10 years ago but I find my friendships and other relationships are healthier than they’ve ever been. I find myself not wondering about all the anxiously attached things I did with relationships before. It’s growth I suppose.
I feel this. A friend and I recently had opposing opinions on a topic and I was waiting for them to start making passive-aggressive comments or never ask to hang out again. Those things didn't happen and we're still friends and enjoy each other's company. It's weird but awesome
I mean, I don’t love “I expect you to be able to take care of yourself”…everybody needs care sometimes. We shouldn’t expect people to be okay alone. We can’t even necessarily expect people to be emotionally healthy. We shouldn’t be enmeshed, but I don’t think hyperindividualism is healthy either. We SHOULD be checking in on our friends, just not an excessive amount or basing our own self esteem on it. Not actively pursuing relationships at all is only healthy based on a white western hyperindividualistic mindset.
I don't think she put that much weight on it (but I don't know for certain). The way I took it was like, if I can't take care of the other person right now they'll be ok and it won't be the end of the world if they have to wait or seek help from someone else.
You make good points though. We're creatures who need each other and shouldn't act like we're self-sufficient hermits that don't need other humans. I wish I knew why that message exists in society because it's so wrong, but plenty of people seem to think that's how we should be--hermits.
@@IrethAmandilSometimes we don’t have a choice and people just don’t want to be around us. So we just have to take care of ourselves.
I don’t think it’s meant in that way. It’s about not being codependent but interdependent. Where when you need support, I am here, but I expect you to take care of yourself by voicing your needs, communicating your boundaries, asserting yourself, regulating yourself, and taking care of your overall health as an adult. It doesn’t mean I won’t be there for you or advocate for you, but I shouldn’t be the sole one doing it because you don’t know how to do it for yourself.
Yes thank you! This gives me clear goals to work towards. Thank you
I know so so so few people who had this kind of upbringing. Or are able to give that to their kids. I'm sure there are some people out there that had this but I'm telling you out of the people I know not a lot. And maybe that's why we are doing better and better on understanding things and progressing. I guess that's what evolution is. Lets keep going! ❤🎉
This is who I am trying to be
Thats what secure attachment looks like. Sweet.
Thank you for this explanation.
I think my boyfriend is secure and he's such a good influence on my anxious self. I still have to do the work on myself. He can't fix me but it helps me to know he's willing to work on things with me.
This is the best thing I’ve heard! Thank you!!! ❤
Sound & Clear. Great content. Thx !
Thank you for helping us see
Yes! Thank you for sharing!! ❤
Thanks Nicole 😊 ❤
Love this!
I grew up in another style but work in progress.
Needed this! And need to figure out how to get here
I should write this down!
SOOOOOOOO HELPFUL AND THANK U ❤
A lot of people I know in Blanchard, Louisiana, need to understand this lmao.
Now you hate me but I love this beat 🗿
We’re screwed
Can't you be both securely attached to healthy people and anxious avoidant around unhealthy people????
Going by the video if you are the securly attached type, you are not interested in unhealthy people . She said so
@CatherinePawsey I’ve found that in the past, I felt avoidant with anxious attachment people and I was more anxious and insecure with avoidant attachment people… which mirrored how I felt with my parents. I’d manifest people who mirrored my parents until I healed those wounds and patterns inside myself. My mother was anxiously attached to me and suffocated me and I always felt like running away from her because I couldn’t be my own person with her and live my own life nor was I emotionally safe with her since she had Borderline Personality Disorder as well … and my father was very avoidant and passive which set up this desperation in me and needing him or some kind of fatherly presence in my life yet he was never there and would always choose himself when things got challenging and would walk away…
So maybe it’s a similar situation with you? Did you have one parent you felt secure with and another you felt anxious with and was always trying to get their love and attention?
There is also disorganized attachment where there was no set pattern for safety and connection… and you’re in an unsafe situation and your body is telling you to run but you know that’s not safe so you have to live against what your body is telling you all the time. It’s a combination of the two… abandonment trauma which creates anxious attachment and enmeshment trauma which creates avoidant… experiencing both creates disorganized attachment. Maybe it would be helpful to look into if you’re not familiar with it.
as a set of behaviours it can be linked to certain triggers or how certain relationships feel. Implies you've learnt both ways (the 'types' are not iron clad separations between people). You can have it with authority figures or supporters too
How can we develop secure attachment as an adult if we didn’t learn this as a child? I would love to learn this
What I've done as an ex anxiously attached person is I learned how to challenge my thoughts and once I trained myself to have a higher self esteem attachments became easier. I still have days where I feel like I'm not lovable but it gets easier
Lots of self work through learning to really love ourselves not just if we do something well but see ourselves as humans with flaws that aren't fatal. Reparenting. Exercise, emdr & energy medicine. Yoga, meditation. Therapy. Books, videos, friends, dance, somatic exercises... So much work But amazing that we have access to the resources!! ❤❤❤❤ Good luck on your healing journey
Read The Shame That Binds You by Bradshaw. It will explain in details how to work through your attachment style and so much more!
@@JohnDeere-k4j I will definitely give this a try. Thank you for the book recommendation 😀
Well, that looks totally foreign to me 😂
Thanks😊
Must be nice😢
❤ thanks
I really like how you lay this out, but I’ve never seen people who operate like that. Is this real or just aspirational?
Who is like this though? It's like an impossible, perfectionistic ideal. Maybe in some privilged parts of the world, but otherwise..i don't know anyone who can tick all or most of those statements honestly.. what a messed up world.
Who Will ever be consistent and who are you to expect that? I would just assume they will not stay and I can’t invest so I’ll leave :)
Youre so chill 🤍 can you adopt me 😂
Yes love this ❤ it feels like diving deep into the unfamiliar when you learn to become this over time with constant reminding and practice. Believe me it is possible you can do it - no matter what attachment style you used to be it’s all a pattern and patterns can change if you choose so 🫶
Okay, but this also veers pretty hard into individualism territory And we have way too much of that. We don't do community that actually takes care of each other. I don't think you should expect people to take care of themselves. You should trust them When it's happening, and presume their competence, but People get suddenly disabled all the time for all sorts of reasons, and you shouldn't expect them to take care of themselves. I don't know if this is a wording thing, but that rubs me wrong. We also have to account for that, like, in USian culture we view actual community That has real functioning interdependence, and nobody has to take care of themselves all the time. We call that co-dependency and call it unhealthy.
I See This in the part when she say "you can tell me What u need" so basically it is okay to get help but ur healty enough to communicate that something is Wrong.
To people with codepence/anxious attachment style or other unhealthy patterns of relating, healthy individuation can seem cold or even abusive. Conversely, someone with a dismissive attachment style will find healthy interdependence overly needy. The secure person asks for what they need and wants the people in their lives to do the same, and they're generally amenable to helping those they care about--they just don't want (or even know how) to play toxic emotional games such as mind reading or manipulation to meet those needs.
Secure attachment does not mean a healthy or good person. A lot of them are rotten
It may be the wording. Secure attachment is the healthiest type of attachment. It is the one that builds strong communities.
The other attachment styles; anxious, avoidant and disorganized, are sometimes called attachment injury. They are unhealthy and can make relationships ( friend, family, romantic, any kind)
For example, an avoidant and sometimes disorganized attachment style is formed when a parent lets their child cry without attending to their needs, the child will change its behaviour by not crying when it needs something. The child learned that cries get ignored therefore it is safer to conserve its energy in case it has to wait longer before it is fed.
For example of anxious attachment, the caregiver has severe anxiety and they are always near a panic attack when alone with their child. The child learns to be anxious of everything.
Once grown up these people may struggle with relationships. One will be overly independent and will hate having to rely on others. The other will be so anxious they will be in their head and afraid of what their partner is feeling. In an anxious hypervigilance they will try to guess how their partner is feeling but way too anxious to ask.
Someone with an anxious attachment in a relationship with the ultra, independent person (avoidant) will make a very dysfunctional relationship. One is so independent they won’t check in with the other, and the other person will be so anxious that they’ll assume they’re being avoided because the other person‘s mad.
Two people with secure attachment in a relationship together looks like two people who trust each other, feel comfortable communicating with each other and are able of being vulnerable together.
Unhealthy attachment fill communities with anxiety, insecurity and avoidance. What does healthy attachment look like within a community? Securely attached people will lean on each other. They won’t feel like a burden if they need to ask for help. They have empathy and warmth. It is also a circle of people that feels safe.
It might be the wording because it sounded to me that their health and mood doesnt soleily depend on the other person, although they can ask for help.
Community is important for support and companionship but also for accountability and growth.
❤
Slow down!!!!
👌
Unicorns
I appreciate your knowledge and learn from you. However if you could slow down a bit, you would be easier to listen to
I don't understand people telling video content creators to speed up/slow down. That's what the video playback speed button is for. Set it where you prefer. Problem solved.