How Long Should I Hold Out Hope For My Addicted Spouse?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ส.ค. 2021
- It's hard to know how long you should keep trying with an addicted (or alcoholic) spouse. It's two steps forward and three steps back, and at times it feels completely hopeless. Knowing what signs of change you should be looking for, will help you make these decisions.
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The Ultimate Dilemma of Being In A Relationship with an Addict or Alcoholic: 💔💙 th-cam.com/video/EnmJL8zBvqg/w-d-xo.html
It’s hard because sometimes he say the change talk and then go to the liquor store. He told me he wouldn’t drink on vacation or when we had plans to drive. (It’s hard for me to drive alit I have MS) and he’s saying he never said that. It’s hard but I’m trying to detach while hanging on for now.
My partner going through quitting time but he is going through alot of anxiety and many withdrawl effects need ur help to understand
I ended it with my fiance 3 days ago. I just won't be yelled at by a drunk man anymore. It sucks and I miss him but I just won't do it anymore. :(
It's so hard, but sometimes we have to do what's right for us. 💔
♥️🥺
❤️💔❤️💔❤️💔❤️
My ex-husband is still around but we all just acknowledged that this is the way it is. He has no intention of changing. He is a late stage alcoholic and we all have just prepared ourselves for the inevitable.
I'm so sorry but well done for making a choice. It's hard xx.
I am an alcoholic. Even though I was not abusive, I kept drinking and lying about it, thinking I wasn't really hurting her. But I was. She tried and tried to save me from myself and to save our relationship. She finally divorced me. Best thing she could have done for herself. I miss her, but I really respect the courage she showed.
Your humility and honesty is impressive.
@@PutTheShovelDown Trying to work on the honesty thing....
I left my kids father of 13yrs in may 2021. We have 4 kids together and its tough but i know its what has to be done. Definitly the hardest decision I had to make but also the best . I have my good and bad days but i have to keep fighting through it.
You're a stong person, Charnique!
30 yr marriage here😢 last 8 horrible. Thankful kids are grown and out of house!! He’s a bad alcoholic..every week he says.. I’m done.. I’m not drinking anymore.. then next day.. drunk.. the screaming at me I’m so over it! I don’t work I’mfighting disability🙄and I depend on him to make the money so he knowssss I’m codependent.. he has shut my bank card down 3 times! But now he’s picking up anything he can reach n throw it at me and it did hit me!! But his thinking is… he didn’t hit me..
Dear Sharon, as long as you depend on him he will continue to be violent toward you and unfortunately, he will enjoy it. Even if you don't have the money you can cut the tie with him. Please start putting yourself in the first place and start loving yourself and start wishing the best things for yourself. Start planning your bright future. Please take care of yourself.
Took me 8 years to leave him. He never got sober...throughout my marriage my mental and physical health was effected so badly( no domestic abuse). I just couldn't deal with him and the toxic inlaws anymore. I left to save myself.
Sometimes you just have to decide to save yourself!
20+ year marriage here. Found out years down the line alcoholism runs in his family.
Hes had alcohol and drug issues for years..and gambling. We have 2 kids together.
We recently went to a therapist who told me she believes he has alcohol use disorder. He is a binger with alcohol. I only do two drinks, and drink water while doing that AND eat. He likes strong drinks and would do 4-5 if you didn’t say anything. Hes done crack in our back yard with our kids him. I covered for him cause I didn’t want my kids to know. Therapist asked him to look deep down inside and asked him if he believed he had a substance abuse issue. He flat out said no. Its too toxic for me to stay in. I will be planning on my departure. Its his issue he needs to deal with. I wish him the best. Life is too short to concern yourself with ‘whats next’ .
Sp. affect
Omg, YES!! 💕
It’s been 27 years. He will die a functioning alcoholic. I should have left 26 years ago.
I'm so sorry, Donna. You've been in a bad situation for a very long time.
@Annie D32 The best advice I would ever give someone looking at a future partner ....check out the family!
Hi Donna. Mine since he was 15 now 35 but he doesn't function. I actually believe now he cannot change. His mind is just too addled.
@@lizzi7128 I'm so sorry. I live a very lonely life, I totally understand. My husband started drinking at 14 years old, he is now 55, he will never stop drinking. At least he is not mean anymore. Just acts stupid and says nonsense things and cannot carry on a conversation with me after 6pm. So I just stop trying. We live like roommates.
It's been 22 years for me. I really hope it would not reach 23 years. It's been a roller coaster and I am so fed up now.
I’ve been on the alcoholic side of the fence and I completely understand why my wife cut contact. I couldn’t heal and grow if I was worried about anyone else but myself. It was the best gift she ever gave me.
Don't lose hope! My boyfriend drank 20 beers a day, started drinking first thing in the morning and I thought he would never stop. Well, he's 32 days sober and swears he'll never go back. He quit cold turkey, too. It's like he just snapped out of it. He was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Thanks for that, Julie. We need to hear success stories!
I'm so glad for you and your family.Im still hoping for my situation to improve more. Good days and bad.
That's so encouraging! Sending blessings for an amazing relationship! 💜
But having support in the future helps to address the many things that led to the drinking in the first place! AA is inexpensive and affords guidance to overcome challenges during the long haul!
I’ve known alcoholics go cold turkey but only to prove to themselves they’re not addicted and then a few months later, they will start drinking again. This then increases until they are back where they started. This cycle repeats itself many times.
I hope in your boyfriend’s case, this is a permanent transformation but it’s as well to be aware it may not be.
My brother did this a few times to prove to himself that he could quit. After he “quit” he would go back to drinking pretty quickly. He’s dead now.
My husband hasn't tried and says he has no issue and that I'm the problem... I don't want him to "have fun" or "go out"
I left my wife of 7 years with our 3 young children. It’s been crazy tough but she was off the chain, still is!
I wanted to share this with everyone here. My fiance though a very very successful merchant navy officer became heavily addicted to alcohol . I gave him warnings but he didnt stop. I watched Ambers videos and i understood the symptoms and called off the wedding. Everyone thought i am the bad person , till his parents couldn't take it any longer and decided to send him to a rehab.
I am hoping he recovers once for all but if he doesnt i will move out and not look back. Ladies its better to be alone rather than being with an alcoholic. Its traumatizing
Thanks for the encouragement. The good times have begun to make me nervous because I've learned that means there is a relapse around the corner or already happening in secret. But I'm still hopeful! Recent local gossip and health stuff may have finally gotten his attention and he's committed to watching 3 of your videos a week. We shall see!
Any step in the right direction is a good thing! 😊
I love Amber's positivity.. agree 100%, it can work but.. maintain your own boundaries, seek counseling, and stabilize your own life.. which will be beneficial both if your relationship survives or not..
😊😊😊
Thank you. I have been watching your videos everyday since I found your channel. I appreciate how you gave 3 reasons that justify giving yourself some distance from the addicted spouse. My husband has been to rehab 3 times in the last 7 years and I have let him come home several times even after getting a legal separation 4 years ago but he has never stayed sober for long or gotten truly in recovery. The kids and I were walking on eggshells and even after leaving this last time his communication has been what I consider abusive. I have decided to block him for now on my phone. I’m still praying for a recovery for him and reconciliation for our family but having a “front row seat” as you say has taken a huge toll on our children and me. It’s time for at least some of us to get healthy. .
Hi Jenny, I'm impressed with your commitment to holding a healthy boundary!
I needed this video today. Thanks Amber.
That question is exactly my life!! My husband said the same thing! He is NOT going to stop
I don’t have the patience nor tolerance for addicts and alcoholics. I would just go no contact and choose better and healthier relationships
If we all did, the world would probably be a much safer place!
After 7 yrs and 2 little boys later I finally left my husband. He was an 18pk a night drinker. He was also a financial nightmare. He loved his boy and my two other children from other relationship. But he would use my daughter as his scapegoat to get us to fight about that, he even said he drank bc the house was a mess and I didn’t make the kids do chores. Eventually, I became a shell of myself and lashed out verbally with him. I stayed for the kids and bc I did love him. We have been divorced for a little over a year. He has since quit drinking. I think due to the fact his doctor told him he was going to die if he didn’t quit. Liver failure. His health is in the toilet, showing many signs of liver failure. He wants to get back together. But he still blames me for lashing out and calling him worthless, etc when we were in the darkest times. I feel like he hasn’t changed even though he is sober now. My parents said the phrase “dry drunk” meaning he is sober but still thinks along the same patterns. Is that a really thing? Please advise ❤
Hi Elaina, "Dry Drunk" isn't a clinical term but it is a recovery term used in 12 step groups. It refers to someone who isn't drinking but still has the same behaviors.
So sorry that your relationship has been so challenging! I suggest Alanon. My ex brought me into the program because he was in recovery at the time!! Because they have walked a similar path, you will find help in the rooms, comfort, healing, and support! I learned so much it helped me gain perspective! And it's much less expensive than a counselor since you're single mom! Sending prayers to you and your children as you heal!
I like that you talk about the different stages of recovery.
😁😁😁😁
I just left her because I don't wanna hurt anyone but ill pay financially because I don't wanna hurt anyone
listening to ur video it seems ur saying our life story 🥺
Watches video...
Checks every box ☑️☑️☑️☑️☑️
Proceeds to RUN!!
Thank you Amber❤️
My pleasure, Kristina!
Haven't seen you for awhile, good to see your ok!
Hi Peter, Glad your here! 😊
@@PutTheShovelDown We both spelled you're wrong! oops!
I have been with my husband 17yrs and I used to love him with all my heart and allowed him to do so many bad things to me but the last few yrs of just crap made me fall out of love with him and now I am just mean to him. He refuses to leave me though.
Thank you!♡
Any time! 😁
I left, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was doubting myself thinking over and over again am I doing the right thing. I still love him, but I told him let’s keep some distance between us we will see what the future holds for us. I have 2 kids with him. I forgave him, but he has done it so many times now I lost count. On Sunday he drank he couldn’t stop drinking, I told him hey why don’t you stop, you have to work tomorrow morning. But no he kept drinking to the point he was talking to himself and got ahold of a gun he has for protection and shots himself on the foot. That was it, I had to leave or I would go nuts. I’m helping him, I didn’t leave him alone during the time he needs assistance, but I’m just keeping my distance away. It hurts but he needs to learn.
Yes, ⚠️ danger there for sure!!
Too little too late. Exactly.
Have you or will you make a video about intimacy with an addict? I’m married to an alcoholic and intimacy is a triggering topic at home. I’m not attracted to him and he feels rejected by me.
Hey Alison, it sounds like he might be projecting his insecurities onto you.
This would be a great topic.
I couldn't stand it anymore so I left to find a better life. My faults, my shortcomings, my failings, my imperfections, my resentments and the misery that had I had allowed to poison my life over the years came too. So did the beautiful sunshine I had been ignoring. Nobody needs to tell me about the faults of other people. I can see them every time I take my eyes off my own.
It doesn’t matter how your partner got where they are today. What matters instead is recognizing the problem, and understanding and implementing the do’s and don’ts of helping your addicted spouse.
Very true!
That may be true, but I also have to consider my children and myself! After many years of struggling to survive the emotional and financial stress of being married to one!
I'm scared a lot. He drinks his beer everyday but hides the hard stuff and I never know what will set him off. Can't talk to him when he does. Lots of anger. The physical abuse stopped but I grew up with alcoholic. I am an emotional wreck! Constant anxiety walking on eggshells. I can't leave. No family or place to go. Not sure what to do. He forgets things too and it can be dangerous where we live. I don't handle any of it well because of life of CPTSD.
Hi Paula, Do you ever watch the TH-cam channel called @CrappyChildhoodFairy ? She doesn't an excellent job of helping with CPTSD!
@@PutTheShovelDown yes! She is great and I'm learning a lot. It's rough when you are 66. Better late than never though. Thank you, Amber!
Thank you, it sure is difficult
💗
It is so hard to watch those you love struggle and have solid boundaries. Though my husband an I are both sober, my brother died from alcoholism in 2015. My Dad found him deceased in an Oxford house. We always held out hope, but in the end it was not God's will.
Genuine Life Recovery, I'm so sorry try for you and y you your families great loss! But please, it was not God's will that he succumb to his disease. Unfortunately, he was not able to overcome his drinking!
Praying for comfort for you and your family! 🙏
Does it make a difference if the addict chooses to leave vs. being kicked out? How does this affect the overall recovery of the addiction and healing for the family?
Now they drink WAY to much wine but stopped drinking hard liquor…. I don’t know …
You many want to check out Alanon. You'll get way more information and some support as you wind your way towards healing!
I’m curious if you’ve done a video that I may have missed. I’ve experienced where they just turn off a disassociate for months then come back like nothing is wrong. For me, it ended just by no contact from them but then months later resurface saying they have my things I left at their place. However, I asked for my things many times and they ignored it. Is this normal behavior because it feels like it’s part of their PTSD and addiction.
I think it's just avoidance behavior. (not wanting to deal with difficult situations).
My boyfriend drinks at lease 6 tall beers (hurricanes) a day, maybe more that he's not telling me, he's been fired from 3 jobs, one was because of stealing a beer, the other was stealing food, and the last was coming to work drunk. He has a new job but I'm worried it won't last at the rate he's drinking. He went to detox for 5 days and the first thing he did when he got out was buy a beer. I'm worried he'll never change, we've been together for 6 years, he is almost 30 and I'm 23, I want to have a family and house but I can't when he's drinking nonstop😞 Plzzzzz what should I do????
It's smart of you to be paying attention to this. I'm glad you're not ignoring these signs.
Stuck in minimizing, blaming, knackering.
Kind of a crumby place to get stuck. 😥
@@PutTheShovelDown plans afoot.
I’m 26 I lost everything due to my alcoholism my soulmate spent countless nights being the responsible one being the parent all the time dealing with things no one should ever have to deal with we had a home we had everything and I just couldn’t stop I tried and tried and failed and failed again I love her and my son more than everything I use to put her through so much emotionally and I belittled her so much mad her hate her self I left the house cause I thought she was controlling thought she was crazy when the real problem was me I took time to work on my self while I was gone but I never communicated that with her I. Ever reached out so she started a new life I’m sober now and I’m trying everything to get my family back because since I been sober I look at the bigger picture she wasn’t crazy she loved me she wasn’t controlling she wanted the best for me I have never had anyone in my life live me more than her and now I feel hope less I feel empty I’m not going back to drinking ever because I hate the person it turned me into I need prayer I need hope I need a sign from god people say give her time and space but I just want her presence I want my family 😔
My husband is what you call a functioning alcoholic. He’s been drinking for pretty much his whole life. He has told me he knows he’s an alcoholic but it’s hereditary and he likes to drink and isn’t going to stop. Is it worth trying to stay?
They all say things like that at some point. It doesn't mean they'll never get better
How do you take distance when your spouse is extremely likely to cheat during your absence? He tends to make bad decisions when he's drunk and alone.
If you need distance you need it. IMO, let him cheat and see how that works out.
Sounds like a case of helping him do the right thing.
It was exhausting for me.
I dealt with this for years and now I just do not care what he does at all. After a while you just have to care about yourself and I had to learn to love myself. I do know that is a hard thing but you will feel so much better.
Mine ended. He added trt steroids and heavy male porn. Illegal activities had arrived and he’s a doctor. My heart is broken 😢😢😢
💔
What is a good respond if your daughter (who doesn't live at home) is asking for help to buy an rv. Currently has no job and doesn't even have enough in savings.
Hi True Self, I don't know if I can give you a good answer without having a lot more details, but in general I advise peopel that you can help a person as much as they help themselves. (ie: they take a step you can take a step. They take 10 steps you can take 10 steps). Hope that helps 😊
No
I am drinking because I feel stuck!! I have a full time job have !y 20 year old grand daughters who is living with me, and I take care of .my Mom, one evening a week. It has become too much
How do you get over cheating during the addiction
Hi Tiffany, here's a video about the trauma of living in that type of situation. th-cam.com/video/_IIIebnumpg/w-d-xo.html
My wife has a chronic alcohol problem, the biggest problem is drinking and driving, what should I do? Thank you
Are children involved?
I personally would call the police and give plates and location anytime I knew drinking and driving were occurring.
Married to an alcoholic.
I do not let kids ride with Dad after 5pm
And child of a person effected by negligent drunk driver. Parent severely injured.
I also suggest not allowing them to drive you either! My husband just had another accident! Totalled the car! I'm surprised we survived!
He is now getting his own insurance. I can't anymore!
Same situation with me my husband is also keep driving intoxicated for decades now. We just got married 3years ago. I'm very concerned that he will hurt someone when he's driving and drinking. I'm so fed up and called the sheriff patrol gave his plate number and name but they didn't get him. He was lucky! I will call again this week as I won't wait until something bad happened and he will kill a bystanders.
Now he says hes trying to improve himself. He quit smoking recently. He claims hed rather be smoking. Im still nervous when we go out and drink. He claims he has control over it, but I know otherwise. He will drink 4-5+ strong drinks if his kids aren’t around. His attitude changes and I hate sleeping next to him and smelling the alcohol on his breath and the loud snoring. Hes gained a lot of belly fat too. Only time will tell. Im giving him the benefit of a doubt.
Help! Do you have a number that I can call to speak to someone!!! I don’t know where to turn or what to do.
Hi Kara, Here's a link to learn about how to schedule a consultation session: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
I clearly misunderstood, I thought support and resources were free. Thanks anyway.
@@karazumach232 hi Kara, do have a free support group on FB.
I do not have any social media. This is it for me. Lol.
I do not have any social media. This is it for me. Lol.
Unfortunately, they are a lost cause.
Why keep torturing yourself. Leave and never look back
I need to talk to someone asap! Please
Hi Faith, Here are a couple of resources. 1. Use this link to join our FREE FB group for family members: facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport 2. Use this link to learn about scheduling consultations with our Family Recovery Specialists: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations 3. Use this link to get started with a BetterHelp virtual counselor: www.betterhelp.com/PutTheShovelDown