I think we need to make an important differenciation here. Insecurities, joblessness, addiction, these are real problems that people need help in and genuine understanding. Whereas manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, these are 'red flags'. We absolutely cannot lump two categories of people together. This isn't a comment on HG at all, rather our current society and how weve bastardised the term "Red flag" amd rendered it meaningless.
hmm yeah this is a very good point. i would like to add that sometimes things like manipulation and cheating can be a result of trauma and if the person is self-aware enough and willing to work through their issues and harmful behaviors i don’t see how that’s necessarily any different than the other “real problems” you listed. as long as the person is genuinely willing to improve anything can be worked on imho
@@hiimnotreal Yes, and no, it can be dangerous, you really have to keep an eye on "genuinely willing to improve", there has to be a progress, and you have to keep an eye on yourself. you can get lost there. I've tried that for 3 years with my ex, she had complex PTSD/Borderline, and i broke up too late, - no need to wait for your own mental breakdown.
i get worried about buzzwords like "growth mindsets", i think i know what you mean but life and love isn't a "hustle" or a goal to achieve or an atomic habit or anything like that. love is blind and when we fall in love we must be open first and foremost while having enough self-love to protect ourselves from a truly damaging situation. that is all
@@jorge666 yeah, growth mindsets sound like what your boss tells you when he want you to work overtime with no pay. Another good term bastardized by manipulative people.
Buzzwords are terrible. However, yes, it's a major green flag when someone wants to work on fixing their issues but you know what? It's not that they have to do it before you meet them. When you love someone, you will want to be a better person for them. You may not start working on yourselves before you meet each other but if you love eachother in spite of your flaws, you will want to fix your flaws yourself so you can be a better partner for the person you love. You want to show them that the love and trust they've put in you are absolutely worth it and justified. However, there are things in their past you should definitely not ignore
All things my ex lacked despite me giving him several chances, which is why our relationship ended within 6 weeks (he stopped making an effort as soon as we got official) 🥲
@@JB-mh5xy I would say twice max, if no reciprocation, let them go. If they don't change after clear communication, they never will, even if they say they will - actions speak louder than words, as always.
I had a relationship with someone who gave up smoking and changed his excessive drinking, not because I asked him to, but because he recognized that it was not who he wanted to be with me. I think the key concept here is the idea of not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who is willing to change and that you can problem solve with. Because perfect is probably just some problems you haven’t met yet.
That concept of "Willing to change" is rare to find people like that. I think the word "change" is that people expect from a partner to be this perfect or better but saddly it doesn't work like that. For example people expect me not to give compliments to people cuz it offends them but that is full of BS cuz is my culture to behave this way plus I live in a Country that is very multicultural. I can reduce my compliment behaviour but NOT all of it cuz that's what who I am and those are my boundaries. Samething with my Dyslexia my learning disability is forever but I can put up the work and mastered and reduced its weakness, people just need patiences cuz without patiences then why are you looking for a relationship for???🤨 Everyone has redflags and we cannot change it.... but we can do something about it for the better.
I would even say not just someone who is willing to change something bad about themselves. But someone who always wants to grow into a better version of themselves. Because when people get too comfortable with being the same, relationships tend to get stale.
hard to do for some people, impossible for even fewer but that is the challenge really. trust is also at an all time low when it comes to the internet, but alot of people let the internet dictate their lives.
That is a good point. Relationships need trust. Because we let our most fragile parts of ourselves be known to our partner. Our feelings, thoughts and ideas we don't share with most people. It is very easy to be hurt that way. Love makes us dumb and silly. We should understand both the positives and risks of that. And we must value the trust the partner has given us.
@@gypsylips1950 Yo man then you need to go further, because a good woman will be there for ya. I had only good experiences. Nearly every woman was very vulnerable with me as I was too. Sometimes it took some time but never too long. When you care for the relationship and open with love for yourself and her you gonna be fine. But it's also easier said then done 😅😂 GL my friend!
One other thing that people don't take into consideration is that some emotional baggage that is usually called a "red flag" can actually make you and your partner more compatible. In my experience dating someone with little to no trauma made me feel isolated and misunderstood, whereas dating someone who has had difficult life experiences that others would discard as just red flags makes them more likely to understand your problems. Even if none of the people involved have figured out how to deal with their struggles, having someone next to you that understands how difficult it is sometimes can lead to a better relationship.
THIS People who got through different traumas/hard moments Always are more aware of how others feel. The problem Is finding the person had rought times AND are getting through them/already healed. Some people get through rought times and refuse to elaborate further and make their pain a part of their personality.
People with no trauma tend to create trauma, they have terrible self awareness and they blame you after they cause problems because "you're always upset over something"
Yeah, i somehow almost always befriend the people who had shitty childhoods or severe troubles socializing, i got a lot of close friendships like that. Except one where i was ditched after a decade long friendship helping them with their trauma and struggles daily, but when i vented once about my life and didn't agree on how to handle a situation with an abusive family member (calling the cops over long distance threats with no danger whatsoever), i got ghosted for life for not shutting up and bothering them with my issues if i wasn't gonna do what they say. Yeah it took one mild argument to end a very close friendship of a decade without ever any tension, where i was actively and enthusiastically sought out daily (thus no reason to suspect they wanted out or were avoidant) up until that point, no explanation, no nothing, completely disappeared shortly after with no indication of being upset. Fun. Leaves a sour taste to say the least. I tried to mend things once months later, i tried to be friendly and understanding, they were hostile, gave no actual valid reason, made up some BS like "who knows maybe you faked your entire identity for a decade, i don't know who you are, you could be a 70 years old creep or something!" even though i never asked for a personal information and they turned down gaming on voice or anything, ghosted again, thus i gave up. A real head scratcher. The irony is that if anything, they were the creep for having NSFW conversations with me when i was a teenager and they were an adult. Not that it bothered me, but i guess double standards with men and women and all that. And it wasn't a matter of romance, i can guarantee we viewed eachothers as friends and nothing more.
We need to start differentiating between red flags and orange flags. Orange flags are the actions we are talking about here basically self-sabotaging out of trauma, insecurities etc. Red flags are not acceptable e.g., people with no remorse like my ex who was sexual assaulting me and told me that's how couples are, if you love your partner you get through it. Yes nobody is perfect but some people are red flags for human race in itself!
My ex wife I an opioid addict who ascended to meth addiction. I stayed in that relationship for 7 years hoping she would stop doing drugs. But she never did, even after getting cancer, and losing custody of her son. You gotta know when to give up the fight. Especially one that isn’t yours to fight.
I find myself in that situation rn so I empathize with your ex wife. Nothing is worth living for and nobody gives a shit about me so why should I stop smoking?
Oh, I love your profile, Cosmo from GotG! Anyways, it is absolutely important to be able to leave a relationship where the partner is unwilling to change. I hope things continue well with you :)
"If I can't be alone with myself and I latch on to somebody to fill that void" Is honestly why I think a majority of people get into relationships, thus why they dont work out often
@@justb4116 I mean.. You can be willing to change and become a better person. It has nothing to do with being a people pleaser, just being the best human being you can be, and being humble about it, realizing your mistakes and willingness to change and grow as a person every day. This also involves boundaries obviously.
@@justb4116 Primarily, the point isnt to change for someone else, but to change for your own betterment. Most relationship red flags are detrimental to yourself as much or more than to other people. And even if it wasnt and ignore selfishness, a bad relationship generally isnt good for either side anyway. Just on a general note. Obviously idk what exactly youre talking about. Some quirks are fine and dont have to damage relationships, nor do they have to hurt a relationship.
This is why the conversations around "struggle love" really infuriate me. They usually normalize sizing someone up entirely based on their current financial situation (or other problems) and promote really shallow, kinda harsh interactions for people in the dating world, who then go on to pay it forward (or become these reactionary "all women care about is money" types.) It's a vicious cycle.
Money can be a factor l, but it's usually not the only thing they care about. And I feel like this video does a good job of bringing some nuance to this discussion.
A girl once told me near the end of our second date, which was back in July, "I know that forming a bond and seeing if there's a true connection with someone takes time, but I don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth to figure that out," which as been eye opening to me. And after watching your live stream where you asked viewers if they think men are rejected, and with much reflection, I'm getting a sense that the major thing anyone should look for from someone, is one who's willing to just look at you and say, "Yeah, I can try this with you." Unfortunately, people give up at the first sign of a "red flag," no matter how minor it may seem. It's almost like we forgot the line Robin Williams said in Goodwill Hunting, "You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense [...] she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal, that's what intimacy is all about." Which, on the face of it falls apart a little because he uses the words "perfect for each other," but i always took that to mean, "whether or not you're both able to just get along and solve the problems that come up from your imperfections"
In the video he tried to be gender neutral but it’s obviously the case to everyone and not mean at all to say that among heterosexual people, this is an issue mainly for women and not really men. Men don’t get enough options to to do this
Yeah , I think are notions of romance in the west has been posionous. Instead of elvauting if someone is spose materilal. We try to find some ideal person. And when we do find that. They ussally have an above averge aomount of emotional baggadge. The Muslium man i bought my video card from was hitched by his dad. HIs father, emailed annother muslim father who had a daughter. He said: I have a son you have a daughter. We should arrange a date. The young man humored this propostion and within 3 mouths commited to a marradge. Instead of saying something like shes boring shes not very attractive like most western men would have. His sentement was. She doenst have much life experence. But i understand what she will and won't do. So their is no reason to delay any longer. They got married and made both thier fathers very happy. The point of the story is this process is not as complex as most people in the west make it out to be. As long as both parties have the same concept of what a marrage is, and should be. Their is a good chance they can make something work.
This is the same thing that a my horticulture teacher said about choosing what type of tree to plant in your yard. They all have pros & cons, you just have to pick one with cons that you can live with.
I can actually highly relate to this. I have a girlfriend who just a year ago was feeling highly suicidal and was very anxious, yet I still wanted to be with her. I told her how I felt, but I said that we can’t be in a relationship until she works on herself to be better. 3 months later, we’re official. It’s gone through ups and downs so far, but the relationship has been going on for 1 year and 4 months, and I’m happier with her than I’ve ever been, and I think I can say the same about her
Finding out how we navigate problems together has become THE BIGGEST factor I consider in relationships. I would put in some work but over time I found what it looked like when someone was actually *capable* of working together to settle things and solve problems. At times I worried I was expecting too much and would never find someone to meet that standard. My girlfriend has squashed those doubts. It feels SO GOOD to be with someone who is truly willing and capable of simply sitting down and talking things out in a calm way. We’ve hurt each other, we’ve each faced hard external difficulties, but every time we can just sit down and talk it out patiently and with empathy. There’s nothing I value more, because I feel like we can face anything.
This resonates with me so much. I've with my gf for years now, and we've started with a lot of ups and downs. Mostly because I was really selfish and she was really clingey. But we've lasted so long because we always talked our worries out with each other when we saw things not working out, which ended up giving us less and less things to fight about because we understood each other more and found compromise. I'm hoping I can propose to her when I'm financially ready so we can continue understanding each other more.
It's the same for me :-) Sometimes it makes me feel a bit alone because I think people tend to not wanna talk about their relationship doing badly, mine was kind of turbulent in the beginning. We're almost three years in though and all the conflicts have been resolved, so it's nice to hear it's the same for other people as well.
Communication = key to any relationship, I am glad it is working out so well for you! A lot of people both singles and couples could learn a good lesson from your experience with proper communication. Great job you did together! (Trying to post this, TH-cam is giving me a very hard time. Sorry if TH-cam suddenly shoved in duplicats,)
The two biggest green flags I look for: 1) Is content/happy in their life already. I am a value add, and they should be a value add. This gets to the entire 'filling a need' thing. 2) Is willing to communicate clearly, compromise with each other and change when needed. However, I've found that the willingness of this to occur is based on the attraction that the two people have to each other. It in short creates the will to do these things.
I think it's pretty important that your red flags were "gamer, young, being supported by parents, etc." When I think of red flags I think of things like: prior arrests, drug/alcohol addiction, committed acts of physical abuse/violence toward other people, but especially women or animals. You know, REAL red flags.
I know a girl who will not even be friends with a person who is named Micheal because one of her exs was named Micheal. That is the way the term is being primarily used today. That is why so many people struggle to find relationships.
@@treeforged9097 yeah the definition has changed from 'things to avoid to protect your life' to 'things to avoid because you dont want to compromise and will only settle for perfection'
past drug addiction isn’t a red flag. someone could have been doing drugs more than anyone else and then one day decide that they hate it and don’t like being that way and grow into a better person you could imagine. also there should be no distinction between abuse against men, women, and animals. there is no “especially”. we are all the same. These kinds of things are not set in stone. people change and often times it is the people who have seen every side of the coin that are the best of us. it varies and you should be able to make the distinction between someone who is capable of horrible things but chooses to be someone others can look up to and someone who is a walking green flag simply because that’s all they’ve known and they have not been pushed to their actual limits or faced adversity that shows their true colors. what i’m trying to say is that it varies from person to person and just because someone has done horrible things in the past, it doesn’t mean that they are a horrible person. they could be better than you ever will be. you never know.
I feel... quite conflicted about this one. Depends on the definition of red flag maybe? I have standards like really FAR from highest and ended past relationships based on red flags. And now after a few years from that I can 100% tell I saved my life exactly thanks to "red flag" monitoring mechanism.
There were some comments differentiating "orange flags" from "red flags" up above. "Hard no" boundaries are important, especially regarding personal violations. I think the main point of the talk is to embrace challenges and not seek perfection.
If the other person is heading straight to the psychiatric ward, does drugs or has a history of sleeping with everything that moves or being a criminal those and many more are things that one can't ignore for sure and you shouldn't feel bad about having standards
I think the point he tried to make is that people tend to seek for perfect and they’ll never find it. Love isn’t like in the movies from first sight - it’s something that is built by overcoming hardships, compromising and fighting through the struggles TOGETHER. The point is not to be too picky and to be willing to have the patience to build something with someone. How do you know something’s solid? It withstands impact.
continue living for yourself and getting stronger on the inside. soon you will have enough strength to be naturally defensive against toxicity and you can learn to drop your defense mechanisms and still embrace another person, who is hopefully going to love you back. your mechanism saved you so you can live another day just make sure you dont cut off from embracing true love from a relatively healthy partner. this can happen if we depend too much on our mechanisms, this can only exist in a situation which is truly safe, so make sure you continue monitoring but don't get stuck living inside a wall!
I've dated a lot of men who were looking for a partner to use in some aspect. All of those relationships failed thankfully and all of them were "red flag" relationships. I got tired of being abused due to red flags that I was unwilling to admit and accept. My current fiance is a green flag person whereas I was more of the red flag person. I was the one with trauma and PTSD and he was a stable, loving, and loyal person that I desperately needed in my life. I no longer fear abandonment or abuse in my relationship and that stability is so refreshing. I love him because he's always there even though I am not always perfect.
The issue becomes, would he have had a more successful relationship had he gone for more of a greenflag person? Currently in this type of relationship where I'm the stable person. You never know if it'll work with red flag people unfortunately so idk if I can stay in the relationship. It basically goes against the core of my being, actually being in a stable relationship.
Whenever I hear of this kind of setup (someone with a partner who's "always there for them" despite the professing partner's imperfections and troubles) the question arises: But will you always be there for him? Can you even? What happens when the other side, the stable and safe partner, crumbles or becomes unstable... That's the end I guess and the stable person gets the fat end of the stick despite them carrying the relationship, right? Or? Hopefully I'm wrong but I've observed this happening more than once...
All that energy should be invested to other positive projects as soon as you get better. Like buying a home, going to vacations etc. You know, a meaningfull Life.
When I was 16, I was a walking red flag. Basically called myself a monster. Then I met this girl, who was also a walking red flag, all over her. And we got together, and started pushing through… 16 years later, that girl is now my wife and we both live a pacefully, healthy life, and our relationship is so stable and perfect people often tell us we are just two halves of the same being. Edit: typo
Relationships like yours are 1 in a million, i went through the exact same as you and ended up in therapy for years after she died of overdose or a relative of mine that ended up in court for a false SA accusation and a friend who was stabbed by his ex, all of them in the context of a walking redflag teen relationships. Telling your story is fine but it should come with a notice
2 teens that are "walking red flags" commonly refers as abuse victims who are addicts or have high OCD with strong psychological/psychiatric problems which sadly nowadays is way more common than it should. So tell me, in which world the norm for a relationship between persons like that works? because in the west it surely doesn't or at least if single parenthood,abuse and chronic trauma are the outcomes that define a good relationship for you@@xsw882
The "green flags" describes so perfectly a girl I went out to meet just a week ago. I had fun, she wasn't perfect but I wanted to meet her more. I didn't check her list and she decided not to meet again. I genuily got the sensation that she had the list of "things I want him to fix for me". This has been in my mind lately, and gives a good angle that I was needing to have. Thanks!
That sucks but at the same time you never know what people are thinking. Once I went on a few dates and a guy kept saying I'd look good with red hair, and I stopped seeing him because it was annoying. I figured even if I told him, I think he should go find a red head because internally I'm never going to feel like I'm really his "type" you know? I don't wanna just get the guy because I'm funny I wanna be funny AND pretty to him. So I'm glad I stopped after like 3 dates because I knew it would've been an issue even though it seems small. So maybe it was something small but small things can become big things later on and it's better that you be let free to find someone a little better matched. I think the key is "settling" nobody is perfect but nobody wants to feel like "my partner just settled for me"
@@snailart14 As I guy I'd appreciate to be told that "hey I'm not liking being reminded of red head every now and then" instead of making a decision for me (as in, walk away due to a small detail that I'm probably not even aware of). You will never know what's inside the other person head unless there's open, clear and honest communication. It's basically what this video is about. You changing what's not correct about you, and giving the oportunity for others to change what's wrong about them, and keeping and valuing those who do, because they are showing that they care enough about you and your relationship by stepping up. It should go both ways though, and then a bucle of growth ensues! Just something beautiful in itself 🤩
Biggest red flag in my relationships, which only surfaces well within it, has been the lack of ability or willingness to communicate through or navigate through problems, even if gently or carefully. Not sure you can imagine my desperation almost every time and my hopelessness now.
Same dude. I never avoided conflict, i always encourage my gf to be honest and bring forth issues but its when she actively avoids talking to me, ignores me, doesnt pick up calls or is willing to hear me out is when it gets really tough. I dont mind conflicts, im really calm in almost every problem nad im willing to talk and change for the better but the loneliness i feel when we're fighting is hard to cope with. Especially if that conflict started because of me.
@@ayushtiwari3819 Your comment opened my eyes a little bit about how my bf might feel when I avoid opening up about issues. I tend to hold back because I don't want to be "too much" and I think I'm being annoying when I talk about issues and it ends up with me withdrawing and my bf gently trying to get me to talk. We end up communicating pretty well but this is definitely something I need to work on. I never want my bf to feel lonely. I hope things get better with your gf and she starts communicating more :)
From what I've found is 1. You're not doing yourself any favors by lying especially when it comes to fantasy. 2. If reality hits (it always will) you compromise) 3. Feedback, adjust communication and support is crucial!!!! It's the key!!!! Make sure you love your partner and you see yourself loved as well. If you got this all is golden. 4. If you leave, leave in peace. 5... ***Hint communication is key!!!*** ****IF CONFLICT IS MET WITH DESTRUCTION YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR**
I've noticed this too. I've hooked up with a girl who was bipolar, went to jail twice, used to be a stripper and a cam girl, but somehow was the most caring and loving person ive had in my life. Only reason I'm no longer with her was because I judged her unfairly based on those truths that can be considered red flags even though they didn't effect me negatively in anyway. It's a mistake I don't ever plan on making again. I cringe when people turn away from someone just off of a "red flag", like no one is perfect and they're looking for someone who doesn't exist
Ironically you made the right choice. She only wanted to give you the impression she was good. Just wait until you marry this person then you’ll understand why you should’ve paid attention to those red flags. Also, don’t marry strippers as they will screw your over. That’s how their business is made after all.
I have a friend who's a former stripper, and unlike the above reply comment claims, her compassion is not a ploy at ALL. I have known her closely for almost a decade at this point, and she remains the kindest person I'm fortunate enough to know. I think how someone makes *you* feel will always be far more important than how they make outsiders feel
@@dragonsrule20201 Exception not the rule. 99% of the time, dating a bipolar stripper and expecting it to go well is like walking into a house on fire and expecting not to get burned. Strippers are master manipulators with men, that's how they make money. I hooked up with/briefly dated a bipolar ex-stripper too. She was very good in bed, and a nightmare to deal with otherwise. I'm still suffering the psychological consequences from it like 2 years later. In my experience, with these kinds of girls, the good behavior tends to disappear over time, and the bad behavior gets worse.
I've been with my wife for twelve years. Everything you've talked about I can confirm as true. It was extremely turbulent in the beginning. She has anger and abandonment issues, and has a lot of emotional baggage. I have none of those things and was able to be patient and clear headed enough to not fight with her and help her work through the issues she had.
Maybe this is because of my past and the fact that I have CPTSD that what your describing in this video does not constitute "red flags" to me. Red flags, for me, are things like - they do not take accountability for their actions, they avoid talking about difficult situations, they are quick to anger and don't have emotional maturity so they act out physically when they are angry (they punch walls, or physically hurt animals or other people). The expectation of perfection is also a red flag, to me. Green flags: they can openly discuss their emotions, they are self aware and are in a process of working through their personal struggles, they are compassionate towards themselves and other people, and we can work together effectively.
please don't make this a red flag, punching walls far away from others is a quick and safe outlet for anger or trauma flashbacks for me, it's a fast way of coping, works faster than sport or exercise, I'm not hurting anyone else except myself and my fists when I rarely do it (it's even practiced in some martial arts to strengthen bones and knuckles), never hurt an animal in my entire life, and I'm not going around punching other people
@@speederooa3846 hurting yourself or yours/someone's property, and possibly scaring anyone who hears or is around/comes around later, isn't healthy to deal with negative emotions which will most likely come up again because punching walls is not part of the processing. sport or exercise shouldnt be done WHILE feeling very angry, but done later at a time where you can be in touch with your body. a fast fix isnt necessarily going to help long-term.. especially if you now are justifying and defending punching walls as if it's a thing we should all try, or a trait we should praise or something... you're not practising it as someone might in martial arts, where it is a controlled environment and you are focused. if you punch a wall, you can easily break your hand if you hit a support beam. and also you'll knock other things off the walls or against walls.. OP made really great points, as someone who escaped abuse, red flags are always very serious safety issues.
@@quinnm.3127 No, I don't endorse or encourage destruction of property or objects. I admit it's not ideal to cope like this, but there is no property damage, I punch in a controlled way a wall made of bricks and mortar, at home when I'm alone in the room and nobody hears it. You mentioned "self harm", yes, it may be in tune with that, I have a suicide attempt(I don't endorse this either), and I prefer a bit of physical pain instead of emotional pain, slightly masochistic. I don't place myself or others in danger if I punch a wall, alone, it's relaxing for me, grounds me in the present and I cope like this for 25 years already, but yeah it may be maladaptive mechanism. I don't think that what I do is a red flag, it's a last resort if meditation doesn't work, hardwired in me since I was a kid.
Yeah red flags are early signs of abuse. He is talking about standards. Someone could literally get killed waiting for a beater to "work on it". Absolutely fkn not, don't put up with abuse.
The ending is so surreal to me. I took a 2 week trip to rehab 2 years ago and everyone was hitting on everyone. I was so confused that was happening. Everyone was bonding over trauma and having puppy love about how they will make each others' lives better.
Just starting the video, but I always considered red flags to be something to keep your eyes on, with the understanding that red flags only become a deal-breaker when there's like a critical mass of them. The implication that all red flags should dissuade a relationship is an assertion that people can't have flaws and be worth loving.
It really does boil down to whether the person with said red flags are willing to make a compromise or change it for the sake of the relationship. I’m talking about actual red flags. Not the lame ones that people make up because they believe there’s a better person
@@Jadddddddddddddddddd it's not possible. Even if you met someone's definition of perfect, what they consider your strengths would be considered flaws from someone else's perspective. What you consider flaws is based on the values you hold. Someone else having flaws is you recognising where they either don't live up to shared values, or where their values diverge from your own. Then you get to choose if that mismatch is a big enough deal to worry about it, or if it's a shared value, would a little positive influence help them realise it?
@@Jadddddddddddddddddd because not everyone needs or is looking for the same things in a relationship. There's no such thing as "Better." Just "better at". You could be a really funny person, and some people would love that and other people would find it annoying. You could debate the merits of finding humour annoying, but that's debating values. When it comes to relationships, objective "facts" are really secondary to subjective compatibility. And subjective opinions are usually well rationalised as factual within the mind and value system of the person holding them. TL:DR People are way too complicated for there to be any meaningful attempt at an objective measure of a "good" or "bad" partner, cause ppl are into all kinds of shit. It's brain science, not arithmetic
Totally agree. I take "red flag" to mean that you should take a mental note of something, instead of glossing over it. Maybe it's just a harmless quirk or a bad habit they can work on, but maybe it'll line up with a bunch of other subtle red flags to indicate that there's something deeper lurking under the surface.
This reminds me of the Benjamin Franklin effect where the way we treat people affects how we feel about them and not the other way around. If you're unfamiliar, look it up because it's really cool but in short: If I treat someone kindly I will feel more fondness towards them and if I treat someone poorly I will feel more hostility towards them. A relationship that has red flags early on requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice on both parts for the sake of the other person in that relationship and treating a person that way not only helps you grow as an individual but also increases your feelings of fondness towards them at the same time. Whereas a relationship with lots of green flags at the beginning doesn't require the same amount of hard work and sacrifice. So the feelings of fondness don't grow as rapidly as one with red flags. It's worth mentioning that both people need to be willing to grow and change or otherwise it will become a toxic relationship.
My first relationship ended because we both had problems that we didn’t know how to navigate together. We had communication struggles when it came to our emotions, mainly because we were both dealing with a lot and we hadn’t had major problems earlier on that were discussed and worked through together. But now with my current one, I feel much happier and healthier. We both have mental health issues, but we’re working through it together and can actually relate to one another more easily because of it. We’re also more vulnerable with one another and it feels great to be so honest and cared for by my current boyfriend
My husband and I met in AA. 🚩🚩🚩We decided that our relationship was important enough to keep working on. It was really hard, but both of us have changed a lot! The most important thing is to address your own problems and learn how to resolve conflict together.
Emotional turmoil promoting bonding sounds like a survival mechanism. It just reminded me of the story in one history novel where it is said that people of the town became closer during the floods.
That's just human evolution. We are evolved to live in small tribes and navigate danger together and bond over our shared struggle and experiences. In a town where everybody is living their isolated lives and dealing with their own problems internally, the flood becomes to shared struggle
That’s true. I want this 100%. When trouble times make closer bonds. I have met people though that make troubles in order to make closer bonds. That’s the thing to watch out with that one. Otherwise, yeah, support during tragedy is so validation
The danger here is going into a long term relationship with someone who has a fault you don't like and hoping that either you can change them or that they will change themselves. I did this and she didn't change for about 10 years. Then suddenly she changed completely (overcame her struggle) and then promptly left me. I don't think the two events are unconnected. The moral of the story for me is you have to be happy enough with the person as they are right now, and not the future person you hope they'll become. I don't mean they need to be perfect, but just don't go in naively hoping that they'll change.
My relationship is about to hit 4 years soon but in the beginning it was extremely, extremely turbulent. You talked about stress testing the relationship early, and boy, we encountered a full make-it or break-it situation after only 5 months in. Probably the most stressful thing ever for me. But after some years it's really shaped how we structured our relationship. The rules of our relationship was mostly created from that one event and similar ones. Our arguments revolved around it for two years. But now it's the reason we are happier today and way more stable. My entire family told me those were big red flags, and I agreed, but I knew there was some hope because she can compromise and change. Not as fast as I'd like but it was enough. Right now we're as strong as ever, because we got through the worst of it.
I cannot agree more- my girlfriend and I had gone through quite a bit before we started dating, and we started dating when we both felt ready. We were both wanting to improve ourselves, and since then, we’ve grown and improved side-by-side. We’ve been going very strong, and I don’t see that changing. As per usual, you are 100% correct in what you said today. Learn to work through your issues, improve yourself with your partner, and you will have a successful relationship!
I think that, as others have said already, we should differentiate between red flags(irredeemable problems, or differences you can't work through) and other problems or maybe pet peeves (things you don't like but it's ok for others or even healthily attractive for someone else).
Thing is the term red flag is old, not exclusive to relationships, and has always meant "a potential issue to resolve or look out for". The easier thing is to just refer to major red flags as major red flags, and deal breakers as deal breakers.
didnt know i needed to hear this today, gave me a whole new perspective on my relationship. i've been tossing and turning over a pattern of issues i've been having with my partner and this reminded me that we are both actively trying to resolve these problems. it's very cool that despite these issues we are aware of, we're choosing to put time aside to compromise and learn to solve them.
I think another aspect to "perfect" and "checks all the boxes" is idolization. I didn't have many standards. I really idolized my partner in the beginning, admired a lot of the things he did, thought he was super hardworking, and I wanted to be like him in so many ways. Later on, I started to realize those same cracks, he took initiative a lot of the time, especially when I established I was ready to make decisions. What felt like absolute perfection turned into me realizing so many of these imperfections, feeling uncomfortable, and thus, eventually, the break up happened. He couldn't handle the rift, and decided that his environmental factors were a bigger factor in his life than a relationship that was slowly breaking thread by thread. So, for those with self-esteem issues or issues with self-love, this is a big factor that can lead to unsuccessful relationships as well. At least in my eyes (?)
I remember trying to quantify love, but then I got out of my SECOND toxic relationship. This made me reflect on what was working with me and my best friends and what wasn’t working with my partners. After doing some reflection, I just said “fuck it, my future partner, if it’s going to work out, needs to be chill with me at the level of lifelong roommates.” And so far this has worked out amazingly for me and my current girlfriend, on top of the fact that we’re very supportive of each other and have a lot of common interests that give us a lot to talk about!
@@Dice-Z It’s weird though, because I was good friends with my 2 toxic exes at first. However, if we ever lived together, we’d probably end up killing each other lol. Comfortable roommates has been a nice “recipe” so far lol
I was literally thinking about this exact thing when I saw this on my recommended. I was thinking "Man this person did this this and this, I should have seen it was a red flag, and the thing ultimately contributed to ruining the relationship down the road and at first I was like "I should have seen this coming, I should have left her sooner, but then I was like "WAIT instead of stressing about these red flags I had the thought of "what if instead of running at the first sign of red flags, what if I address them and attempt to resolve them instead of waiting for them to become a problem" this was a huge breakthrough for me and then I saws this video immediately and I was like BRUH, so this was a great watch. Always love your videos, thank you for everything that you do. I learn so much from your channel and it has proved to be a wonderful free resource on my journey of chasing self improvement.
I have been supporting my boyfriend since we started dating about 2 years ago and I feel so healthy and loved but it’s just a bad situation that they were put in without and family support. Massive stress test and in 2 years we haven’t had any arguments (we calmly talk through stressful things). I’m so hopeful for our future even though things will be hard a little while longer. Thanks for making this video.
So long as they aren't making you do all the work at home to. House husband and maybe future stay at home dad. but....... If they just play video games or whatever all day then no wonder they are content. An adult blaming family for putting them in a bad situation is a huge red flag. You will be blamed next. Most adults don't have their parents support them financially, pay their rent, and such. Not saying this is the case, but just saying.
I know there are other comments saying the same thing, but you should REALLY differentiate between red flags that mean "oh this person has a few unproductive behaviors" and red flags that mean "oh this person might beat me if I scramble their eggs wrong". in fact, it would be best to just come up with a completely new name for the former. in my experience, when people talk about red flags, they mean potential abuser or dark triad behaviors.
Thanks Dr. K! I am struggling a lot in my relationship and we both have huge red flags. We had several huge fights and veeeery nearly broke up. I am going through a very difficult time in life on top of that. He's almost always going through hard times. I remember finally having the self reflection to understand I might be doing a lot of things wrong without understanding how bad they "actually" are. When I asked friends about this, they said, no, your partner is just an overly sensitive person and making excuses and dump him. But then I wondered why none of my relationships has ever lasted more than 6 months. I thought all of this was very abnormal and I didn't think my friends in healthy relationships went through this, so thank you for letting me know that it is normal.
Never go to your friends about relationship issues unless you are 100% certain they have gone through the same thing as you. When friends (overprotective ones especially) can't truly emphasize with your situation but don't want you to be hurt, they will usually start hating your partner. The overprotective friends will start trying to get you two to break up.
Lately I've been really leaning into trying to be authentic to myself. It's making me think im bipolar because I fluctuate between happy and sad and depressed. I think it's just me leaning more into my feelings and letting myself feel them in present more instead of bottling it up and exploding.
the gamification of dating apps, the lack of proper communication skills, and the shift in what red flags are and how to deal with them, all contribute to the mess that is the current dating scene. people are definitely too focused on the checklist of wants and list of flags to avoid, when you need to look at a person as a whole and *communicate* what you want, expect, and wont tolerate. also if youre dating advice is based on terrible phrases, your results are gonna reflect that. weve been dating for a boyfriend on and off for years and lack of communication has been the biggest issue. super annoying
Just had someone break my heart who called me perfect. Gotta believe this is one of the reasons why. There were things that I was upset about that I bit my tongue over. If I had spoken up, things may have been different. But when the feelings faded after 3 months and there was 0 conflict, it probably left her bored and without any real connection to me from how guarded I was. It's okay to be upset, but don't bottle it up. Lesson learned.
This advice is working not only for relationships with partners. Looking back how i build my best friendships. It goes something like "We were kids, so we didn't know how to behave so we harm each other, but at the end of the day we sorted out problems". Though I rarely met them our bound is sill strong. In contrast friendship from high school were everyone tried to be polite aren't that strong.
The concept of dumping someone if they have a red flag is actually fairly new. In the past you used to work on each other and yourselves together and help build each other up. Dumping someone for a red flag immediately is this newer culture of throwing things away and getting new ones all the time
I'm glad to hear you talk about this because I have been noticing this trend and it started to bug me because let's face it, while we don't want to engage in physically or emotionally unhealthy relationships, none of us our perfect and flawless. We are having a human experience which comes with some 'baggage' and imperfections. It's easy to write people off, it's harder to self reflect and navigate through conflict successfully with another person
He's literally describing my boyfriend when he mentions what we should focus on for partners. And that's why I'm here, cause I know that I am the problem and he really deserves more, and I also need to get out of my comfort zone. But this video gave me a lot of insight, so thank you a lot. I've been scrolling through your videos for hours trying to understand myself and what I need to do and how to do it. And I don't have the exact answer yet, but I have definitely learnt a lot today. Thank you for making this type of content.
This goes to other kinds of relationships too, like friends and such. I've been in many occasions where a person has had problematic behaviour and seen that not only is it draining _me,_ but it's gonna hurt them in the long run, too. In these cases, I've discussed it with them to see what the hell's going on. Most important is to _properly_ listen to what they say and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Like, last year we had a person in our friend group who was causing problems by being pretty abrasive and nonchalant. The rest of the group had been wanting to get him out, but I insisted on letting him stay because we could be a good influence to help him improve. If he was showing abrasive behaviour, I took the responsibility to explain the problem to him, why it was causing friction and what he could do about it. Took a bit of doing and things were improving, but things were still not good. There was still a lot of arguments and such. Unsure what he could do, he came to me privately one day and wondered what he was doing wrong. For 3 hours straight, we were in conversation where I basically taught him how to adapt, show respect and read between lines to figure out how people want to be treated, since everyone wants respect, but what respect looks like differs from person to person. What I said was basically "treat others how you want to be treated is more about giving the same amount of respect you wish to receive, rather than literal treatment". He was willing to change. There were red flags in his behaviour, but he was willing to change, without changing the core of who he was, and nowadays things are far less abrasive. I get far less complaints about him, he seems more comfortable in the group and things are slowly but surely looking better. A very small ounce of patience was all it took.
The ability to compromise and care enough to change is huge. If the other person isn’t willing to change, or compromise then the red flag will always stay red.
As a happily married individual, finding a perfect person literally never even crossed my mind. That line of thinking seems like a huge ego issue that needs sorting out. I can't imagine what kind of crappy relationship I'd be in now if I had "high standards". Although I'm married to a cute Japanese girl so I can't ask for more.
It's kind of a relief to see in the comments people talking about major red flags like hardcore drug addiction and a history of domestic violence because everywhere else I see red flags discussed it's always "Is his car more than 10 years old? Did she ask about your horoscope on the first date?"
Dr. K, Would you consider creating a set of modules in Dr. K's Guide devoted to relationships? So much of what you have said has been helpful for me in the rocky start to the 6-month relationship I'm in now. I want to continue to grow with this girl. Although things have been difficult, she is so worth the trouble. I would love to know how I can continue to grow in this relationship. I really love her a lot and want to make the most of this. You're such a great resource, and I know I'm not the only one who could benefit from this. I know you're busy enough as it is, but I'm hoping it's something you might consider. Much love to you and your family, Dr. K
Such a great video. When my partner and I fell in love I was definitely cognizant of the red flags, but repressed them like the dumb teenager I was. Seven years later, we’ve dealt with (and continue to deal with) countless very, very serious conflicts, and the process of sorting those things out has knitted our minds and bodies together in a way that does truly feel unbreakable. There’s definitely still an aspect of myself that feels a degree of guilt over proceeding into the relationship with in spite of the red flags, just due to the nature of the cultural discourse around this topic. Wouldn’t change the bond we have now for anything in the world, but you know, things eat at you on an unconscious level. Really needed to hear this
As I understand it, red flags are things like manipulation, gaslighting, reacting poorly to boundaries. And green flags are things like good communication, willingness to work together and change if appropriate, and solid personal boundaries. I really hope that people who are trapped in abusive relationships know the difference, and don't think that wanting basic respect is "refusing to compromise".
My most successful relationship as of yet started with me hearing awful rumors about her. Some of which, if true, would be automatic deal breakers. At first I decided it wasn't worth pursuing a relationship in case these rumors were true, but after a bit I decided to reach back out and talk to her about it. The conversation went so well and I saw a person who was willing to consider that she may have done harm without realizing it instead of someone who simply denied the rumors outright. I was convinced that they were probably not true and decided to live my life and date her anyways. We ended up being incompatible for unrelated reasons but it was definitely a lesson in the power of talking through issues instead of running away at the first difficulty I encounter (or worse, ignoring those issues).
I agree that accepting and trying to work through softer red flags is good. The guy I'm seeing now has had a pattern of relationships failing in the same way, and I've been friends with him long enough to see it happen a couple times. Once we started dating I told him I was concerned bc I saw these red flags. So we talked about it a lot and he's been really honest with me. And we've continued to talk and I've been trying to be sensitive to his needs and things have honestly been so good. I'm glad that I gave him a chance instead of writing him off for those red flags bc he makes me really happy. Granted, we've only been together for a few months so it's possible things could go bad at some point and he could fall into his old patterns. But I feel like we're both open and honest enough that we can overcome it together; and if not, then we've talked about this and I hope we'll be able to accept that it should end.
Being open and talking about oir pasts and insecurities has been wonderful for our relationship. We feel like we undersatnd each other better and why we have the strange brains sometimes. That being said, I feel like my insecurities will become a burden sometime in the future so I will work on them with a therapist once I find someone I can click with. My partner always wants me to talk about them and not hide anything but I feel like one day they might grow too tired from my thoughts
This was a very helpful perspective! There are so many trends and discussions around avoiding people with red flags when in reality we all have them. Communication and collaboration is so important to the health of an intimate relationship. ☺️
Nobody is perfect, and we all have insecurities. At end of it all we just want to be accepted. There is so much more to a person then what we label as a "Red Flag". Great video, Be kind and take care
yes, people who can't tolerate one or two red flags is basically better be avoided, everyone is like a todo list to them, they see people as a checklist instead of seeing them as a person. and those who can't tolerate red flag will easily give up on you whenever you're in a hard time. they'll constantly dig you, finding the slightest red flag on you. it's impossible to make this type of person happy, because they're too preoccupied with finding other people mistake.
@@jensenraylight8011 Wow that is extremely well said, totally agree. It is so much easier to look for the flaws in others, to work on ourselves. Take care
@@jensenraylight8011A "red flag" should be something severe enough to end a relationship. No such thing as a "slight" red flag. A character trait or behaviour that someone dislikes is not a red flag, and it's trivialising to call it as such.
@@FightingTorque411 i'm actually agree with you, but in reality, people didn't treat red flag like that. people use the word red flag for petty thing. i'm not the one that making the rule here, i'm just saying things from my observation. and to make it worse, they also like to use "the ick" to further judge the person.
Great points honestly. I never chased green flags nor have a checklist criteria, but my latest partner was someone who I personally described as perfect, it was amazing for a whole year and then it all fell apart in a matter of days, I still don't quite understand what happened but it did open my eyes as to the fact that green flags or a seemingly perfect relationship doesn't mean anything, it can all be gone before you know it.
It's the trend to navigate problems by just leaving. People who say ick and red flag i find aren't really serious about relationships. They just want a "perfect" partner but aren't willing to work for it
100% i think social media has a lot to do with this. there’s always (seemingly) some better possibility out there. but not really because there is no such thing as a perfect partner. ALL relationships take work. i think a lot of times people throw away what could have been a good thing because they don’t want to put in the work
I realised very soon in my current relationship. The first few 4 months that we are now. Is that due to a long-distance relationship. We had to make LOTS of agreements. Discuss quality video-call time and message casual time. When do we stop talking and when can we chat. When do we go meet each other in real life and when we close our phones to have our much needed alone time by ourselves separetly. Even when conflict arrives, we are both learning how each other work. We are painfully aware on which ways we lack skills and we lack means to properly resolve conflict at certain moments. We love each other so much, we don't mean to harm each other, we just sometimes rub each other from time to time, like I guess all couples do. I like that we have lots of compromise, and we can make agreements both ways so that it fits both, none or alternating one and another.
Conflict is inevitable...resolution is not. However, a good resolution will bring everyone involved closer together and develop mutual trust and appreciation for each other. Good stuff as usual, Dr K.
Something I was taught back in 2012 when I broke up with my now husband, from an older married man in regards to our then breakup: "Your sister's got all of these standards and expectations for meeting a guy, right? Well, what happens when she meets someone who meets *hers* but not *his* ?" Those words got my down the aisle in 2021. Keep doing the GG work Dr. K. We really, really, oh man, REALLY need as many people like you talking about this in an approachable human manner.
Yup, and take dating apps for example, it’s like a checklist for most people and back then even if you weren’t attractive as a person you could still smell nice, carry yourself well and exude confidence and charm, something that’s hard to transmit thru pictures in apps…
I had a red flag that my boyfriend didn't mind: my armpits sweat A LOT and no matter how much deodorants I used, they STINK because I don't have the ABCC11 gene. I'm half Korean, so I'm angry I don't have it. But he confessed he was armpit fetish. We married a year later and are happy now 😊
WOW, just WOW. You hit all the points about the flaws of my previous relationship, and of myself. Despite that it turns out she was a pathological liar with severe mental issues (BPD mainly), I still had my own issues (co-dependency, lack of self-worth, depression I never addressed, etc) which made our unstable and toxic relationship worse over time. Although it's extremely hard to imagine how it would've turned out with her knowing who she is now, I still am sad that, had I been more mature and emotionally stable, maybe I could've helped both of us grow into better people than we were...
I always say: "Redflags are what they are... just a redflag... a warning, that's it" I see videos titled like "X redflags to watch out for" and basically they say that "if this is the case it means that" which is fine to some level but it's just judging to much if done excessively. And judging is just presuming something based on few information but the less information you have, the worst that presumption will be . When they hit the nail in the head by chance they just think they are smarter but in reality they had some intelligence and some luck.
I like your perspective. I think a "red flag" isn't a "stop sign" but a "be cautious sign" just as you said. It allows you to notice where problems may arise and whether you'll be good at handling them. It can also help you find strategies before hand. I think it is more of a: "Can I deal with this without harming myself or the other person?". If you can you try, if you can't you move on to find someone else or to work a little bit on your relationship skills.
@@JohnSmith-mc2zz Maybe I'm off with the terminology but most videos that I watched and used the term "red flag" was really just a warning like "he does X then " and most of them are just minor to medium things, nothing major. But yeah, I have never heard the term "yellow flag". I heard red flags, deal breakers and green flag as well.
@@li3838 Yeah, "dealing with it" is a great approach because in my opinion it does not include "changing it" in the other person which we have very little control of and it's also questionable how moral to control other people as well. Also, it can mean a lot more things than one would guess at first, we don't know their stories but they have a life just as complex as ours. In some cases red flags turn out to be totally misleading.
Because of another comment in here that referred to a lot of these things as orange flags, I'm gunna use that term. I have a few orange flags, self sabotage due to trauma and insecurities and what not and I've been feeling down in the dumps feeling like I don't deserve love and no one will ever want me. This video has made me feel soooooo much better. I've had a friend for over 10 years now and we're entertaining the idea that we might be right for each other and I couldn't get this idea out of my head that I'm too much of a mess for her but... we've already been through some of the turbulence you speak of and we seem to be handling it quite well
Im no longer religious, but when I was still involved in religion, I was always told "real love isn't afraid to bleed", and I think you perfectly drive home the sentiment of that.
Im dating a girl that not only did we dislike each other a ton in highschool but after graduating I met a new best friend and moved in with him and it turned out to be his sister So for sure some red flags there. 10 years in at this point and every day is better than the last.
This is fascinating!! When people ask me about my partner, I tell them the primary reason I gave him an in was because he told me he had a therapist. A lot of people have mentioned they would see that as a red flag that something's wrong. But I see it as a green flag that he's willing to work on those things ❤
This only hurts my heart even more. Because it confirms I did exactly that... broke up with great guys because of some red flag in my mind. 5 years ago this reality hit me and I started feeling that I made a huge mistake especially about one particular guy. Regret started eating me alive, but I couldn't turn back time. I can't describe in words how much regret destroyed me, how d3monic it got inside.. I am still recovering... I haven't met anyone new since then and time is passing by, exactly like Dr K said. I never thought I would be in this situation (over 40 and not married, with great guys to choose from until I was 35) but, here I am. Trying to recover and to somehow move on.
Well this entirely depends how you define red/green flags or what you base them on. My red flags have to do with narcissistic abuse and whether my own mental health can handle a certain person (specifically whether I'm able to maintain my healthy boundaries with them and continue my healing or not-whether a relationship or communication with them unavoidably makes it worse) and their willingness to listen to important feedback if they have a problem and take responsibility for their own self improvement instead of avoiding communication or acknowledging the reality of their struggles and need for growth and healing -whether that ends up being something we agree is with my help or based on their needs and my limitations has to be without my help. So that "chase red flags leads to love" concept doesn't work as a blanket rule. It only works if your norm is to treat a person as a checklist of positive achievements by social norms (has a job, brings utility to relationships, makes me feel X) and don't introspect beyond that to meet your own needs or take responsibility for your own growth but use them as a substitute for it, don't see them as a person and don't care to get to know them and value them for who they are as an individual. If you base your red/green flags on these criteria instead of realising that things like having a job are arbitrary in this world we live in not indicative of character, and the appropriate roles and boundaries you have in meeting your own and each other's needs, and the necessary self awareness to understand why you pursue that you pursue, then you're definitely going to miss it, like Dr K said. So it just comes down to what you actually define as red/green flags.
I've seen everything from genuinely concerning behavior to liking the wrong band described as a red flag. The term has lost most of it's meaning and is quickly becoming a way to justify societal norms while pretending you're looking out for your best interest. It also reeks of a view of relationships that lacks nuance. You see this for men with the whole "Say this, approach her like that" as if the woman is some kind of robot you just have to slam the right inputs into. For women it's more like a view where they have to find some laundry list of requirements to be happy. Both are delusional. It's hard to critique because when you criticize this view it's very easy to make an appeal to safety. If you keep running into people who brag about doing harm to animals, trashing their exes, etc then fair; those are red flags. When you keep running into people who don't share your exact music taste, fashion sense, worldview, etc that's just being picky. As a concept it also feels kind of dehumanizing. Used to hang out with this BPD chick. She was a handful but I felt very understood by her. Maybe it's just my taste in women but I think knowing how full of red flags we both were made us have a sort of connection.
I just want to say that the "say this, approach her like that" stuff works on far too many people Me being one of them, proven by a girl who did the basic stuff in those and had me flustered 😂
Drawing a false equivalence between men and women in “discourse” today is weirdly done with almost all social issues. It’s gross and an incorrect neutrality bias. Stop it. A lot of times issues don’t apply equally to men and women. Probably most of the time. Women having a long list of expectations yes is the main example in this red flag discussion. Men trying to work on approaching women and developing strategies to do so even if those strategies become problematic has nothing to do with red flags or anything. Women expect men to approach. It’s just telling it like it is that issue applies 10x to women than to men. There are so much less men in relationships than women that any issue related to being in relationships applies to women more than men
I remember when i got this book by Erich Fromm called "The art of loving" from my friend, and actually many things from that book was said in the video. I'm in a wonderful relationship for over a year now, we both have some "red flags" that don't really "satisfy" our friends and families, but we chose to work through our problems for ourselves and for our future.
There's one constant for any romantic relationship to work out: it takes a great deal of maturity, humility, self awareness, etc on both sides! It's not about what a potential partner "ticks off" on a check box, but how the two of you bond with each other as people that determines whether or not it's ultimately going to last
I think the reason that red flags are attractive is that we ALL know that we're imperfect, flawed people, and people who are honest about our flaws from the outset seem more honest than people who act like they're flawless. As a man who was in therapy for about ten years, you will NEVER be completely flaw-free. I will never be someone who does not have difficulty controlling my anger. That doesn't mean I have permission to use my anger abusively, but it does mean that is a flaw I have. That's a card I put on the table for all to see. Some women will never be able to be in a relationship with a man like me, and that's okay, those women are not for me, and vice versa. Similarly, I cannot be in a relationship with a woman who is gonna be prone to screaming at me. If I know that one of my partner's main flaws is, for example, a lack of trust, I can work with that, because my life experience has led me to have a hard time with trust as well, and I can have sympathy for that problem, and understand it well enough to be kind when my partner is struggling with that. That's a flaw that does not make a person less compatible for me. It's one that can be worked through (perhaps they can learn to trust ME after given time to do so even if not others, for example) just the same way that if my partner doesn't express her anger by screaming at me, my anger issues are not going to be a problem between us either. We're all broken in little ways- cracked and torn. Sometimes, the cracks in us mesh with the cracks in others, and it can lead to some really deep bonding. That's not a bad thing, quite the opposite. Our pain makes us able to understand each other more deeply than if we'd never felt any pain.
"If you can't take me at my worst" is usually supposed to be about working through things and not breaking up immediately. It's supposed to be about supporting each other through rough times. Was not aware that it was being used any other way. I guess anything can be used to mean something different from what it's intended for.
For me the biggest red flag that you should actually avoid is (for both men and women): - Signals that they might be a cheater. - No attempt of solving the problems in relationship. - Behavior that can result in abuse or even worse. - Past history (for an example, they have done something really horrible that they want to hide from you) Of course, some may disagree but do not forget that some of the things you may consider a red flag to run away from may actually be fixable if the other person is willing to change.
Past history depends on a number of factors imo. If they are upfront about their history and have genuinely worked to change that, don't leave just because of what has happened. Severity of past history is also a factor too
Everyone has some sort of “baggage”, it’s all in how you carry it. If you run away from everyone carrying something, you’ll be running until you collapse. When you’re down there, it’s the people who are strong from carrying their weight with them that will be most likely to help you back up. If you have run away from them all, there won’t be anyone left to help. Then *you* become your own “baggage” when you pick yourself up to carry yourself forward. That’s all it really means to have the “baggage”, and all it has ever meant for anyone. It’s up to us as individuals to learn how to carry ourselves forward in a positive and healthy manner. It’s okay to stumble; it’s okay to need help with the load. It’s rarely wise to avoid luggage altogether. Plan for the journey on which you intend to disembark, and maybe even leave room for a few things picked up along the way.
I just had to save the last part's transcription. It was just so well said: "What I'm saying is that I'm noticing an increasing trend of people looking for perfect. And the more they look for perfect, the more they delay conflict resolution. And if you really look at what leads to prognostically's very successful relationships, it's the ability to navigate conflict and compromise. And oftentimes as we discount people with red flags, we don't give people a chance to change and to grow! That's actually shooting us in the foot."
For the most part, I've been under this impression for a long time, and yet, many of the people who somehow ended up in relationships, who didnt follow their own advise, to wait and sort out myself first before getting in a relationship, still insisted for me to wait. I'm glad to know that I was of the right mind even though I'm still single.
"I must deserve the perfect partner. If my partner is not perfect implies that neither me. What it's obviously unacceptable because I am perfect." This is what goes through the head of such people.
I think we need to make an important differenciation here. Insecurities, joblessness, addiction, these are real problems that people need help in and genuine understanding. Whereas manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, these are 'red flags'. We absolutely cannot lump two categories of people together. This isn't a comment on HG at all, rather our current society and how weve bastardised the term "Red flag" amd rendered it meaningless.
Actual 'gaslighting' is not a red flag, it is straight up abuse. (though it has entered slang as a broader term)
hmm yeah this is a very good point. i would like to add that sometimes things like manipulation and cheating can be a result of trauma and if the person is self-aware enough and willing to work through their issues and harmful behaviors i don’t see how that’s necessarily any different than the other “real problems” you listed. as long as the person is genuinely willing to improve anything can be worked on imho
We need a new term: yellow flags
@@hiimnotreal Yes, and no, it can be dangerous, you really have to keep an eye on "genuinely willing to improve", there has to be a progress, and you have to keep an eye on yourself. you can get lost there.
I've tried that for 3 years with my ex, she had complex PTSD/Borderline, and i broke up too late, - no need to wait for your own mental breakdown.
@@hiimnotrealif you cheat on me, I’ll give you a reason to be traumatized. An ACTUAL reason.
#1 green flag: growth mindsets, when you both fight constructively and influence each other for the better
#0 green flag: person is alive
i get worried about buzzwords like "growth mindsets", i think i know what you mean but life and love isn't a "hustle" or a goal to achieve or an atomic habit or anything like that. love is blind and when we fall in love we must be open first and foremost while having enough self-love to protect ourselves from a truly damaging situation. that is all
@@jorge666 yeah, growth mindsets sound like what your boss tells you when he want you to work overtime with no pay. Another good term bastardized by manipulative people.
Buzzwords are terrible. However, yes, it's a major green flag when someone wants to work on fixing their issues but you know what? It's not that they have to do it before you meet them.
When you love someone, you will want to be a better person for them. You may not start working on yourselves before you meet each other but if you love eachother in spite of your flaws, you will want to fix your flaws yourself so you can be a better partner for the person you love. You want to show them that the love and trust they've put in you are absolutely worth it and justified.
However, there are things in their past you should definitely not ignore
Boom
The green flags you have to look out for:
- Willing to change
- Willing to compromise
- Cares enough to change
All things my ex lacked despite me giving him several chances, which is why our relationship ended within 6 weeks (he stopped making an effort as soon as we got official) 🥲
Who changes first?
@@JB-mh5xy You do
@@BlackOreoCookie And how many times do I have to change before I get reciprocation and compromise in my favor?
@@JB-mh5xy I would say twice max, if no reciprocation, let them go. If they don't change after clear communication, they never will, even if they say they will - actions speak louder than words, as always.
I had a relationship with someone who gave up smoking and changed his excessive drinking, not because I asked him to, but because he recognized that it was not who he wanted to be with me. I think the key concept here is the idea of not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who is willing to change and that you can problem solve with. Because perfect is probably just some problems you haven’t met yet.
alcohol and sugar are the most damaging addictions
everyone normalise them
That is well said!
That concept of "Willing to change" is rare to find people like that.
I think the word "change" is that people expect from a partner to be this perfect or better but saddly it doesn't work like that.
For example people expect me not to give compliments to people cuz it offends them but that is full of BS cuz is my culture to behave this way plus I live in a Country that is very multicultural.
I can reduce my compliment behaviour but NOT all of it cuz that's what who I am and those are my boundaries.
Samething with my Dyslexia my learning disability is forever but I can put up the work and mastered and reduced its weakness, people just need patiences cuz without patiences then why are you looking for a relationship for???🤨
Everyone has redflags and we cannot change it.... but we can do something about it for the better.
I would even say not just someone who is willing to change something bad about themselves. But someone who always wants to grow into a better version of themselves. Because when people get too comfortable with being the same, relationships tend to get stale.
feel like vulnerability is key to get together and that sometimes means being open about your flaws not only on romantic relationships btw
hard to do for some people, impossible for even fewer but that is the challenge really. trust is also at an all time low when it comes to the internet, but alot of people let the internet dictate their lives.
That is a good point. Relationships need trust. Because we let our most fragile parts of ourselves be known to our partner. Our feelings, thoughts and ideas we don't share with most people. It is very easy to be hurt that way.
Love makes us dumb and silly. We should understand both the positives and risks of that. And we must value the trust the partner has given us.
@@kamitorings nothing is ever in impossible
Every time ive ever been vulnerable with a woman it pushed them away from me.
@@gypsylips1950 Yo man then you need to go further, because a good woman will be there for ya. I had only good experiences. Nearly every woman was very vulnerable with me as I was too. Sometimes it took some time but never too long. When you care for the relationship and open with love for yourself and her you gonna be fine. But it's also easier said then done 😅😂 GL my friend!
One other thing that people don't take into consideration is that some emotional baggage that is usually called a "red flag" can actually make you and your partner more compatible. In my experience dating someone with little to no trauma made me feel isolated and misunderstood, whereas dating someone who has had difficult life experiences that others would discard as just red flags makes them more likely to understand your problems. Even if none of the people involved have figured out how to deal with their struggles, having someone next to you that understands how difficult it is sometimes can lead to a better relationship.
Yeah! I often feel like "normies" are aliens
Great comment.
THIS
People who got through different traumas/hard moments Always are more aware of how others feel.
The problem Is finding the person had rought times AND are getting through them/already healed.
Some people get through rought times and refuse to elaborate further and make their pain a part of their personality.
People with no trauma tend to create trauma, they have terrible self awareness and they blame you after they cause problems because "you're always upset over something"
Yeah, i somehow almost always befriend the people who had shitty childhoods or severe troubles socializing, i got a lot of close friendships like that. Except one where i was ditched after a decade long friendship helping them with their trauma and struggles daily, but when i vented once about my life and didn't agree on how to handle a situation with an abusive family member (calling the cops over long distance threats with no danger whatsoever), i got ghosted for life for not shutting up and bothering them with my issues if i wasn't gonna do what they say. Yeah it took one mild argument to end a very close friendship of a decade without ever any tension, where i was actively and enthusiastically sought out daily (thus no reason to suspect they wanted out or were avoidant) up until that point, no explanation, no nothing, completely disappeared shortly after with no indication of being upset. Fun. Leaves a sour taste to say the least. I tried to mend things once months later, i tried to be friendly and understanding, they were hostile, gave no actual valid reason, made up some BS like "who knows maybe you faked your entire identity for a decade, i don't know who you are, you could be a 70 years old creep or something!" even though i never asked for a personal information and they turned down gaming on voice or anything, ghosted again, thus i gave up. A real head scratcher. The irony is that if anything, they were the creep for having NSFW conversations with me when i was a teenager and they were an adult. Not that it bothered me, but i guess double standards with men and women and all that. And it wasn't a matter of romance, i can guarantee we viewed eachothers as friends and nothing more.
We need to start differentiating between red flags and orange flags. Orange flags are the actions we are talking about here basically self-sabotaging out of trauma, insecurities etc. Red flags are not acceptable e.g., people with no remorse like my ex who was sexual assaulting me and told me that's how couples are, if you love your partner you get through it. Yes nobody is perfect but some people are red flags for human race in itself!
Yep exactly, problems aren't red flags.
Yeah.. felt same about that, and surprisingly (not really) had somewhat samish "partner" in past
I was going to say this. Red flags are signals of abusive behaviour or incompatible traits, not problems.
It was a video made from a man perspective to other men. They usually do not fear being killed by their partner when they are in a relationship.
Red flags and alarms might be more catchy
My ex wife I an opioid addict who ascended to meth addiction. I stayed in that relationship for 7 years hoping she would stop doing drugs. But she never did, even after getting cancer, and losing custody of her son. You gotta know when to give up the fight. Especially one that isn’t yours to fight.
You hoping she would change vs them willing to change are two entirely different things tho
She stopped fighting long ago.
Was in a very similar 5 year relationship that ended a few months ago. Opiods and Meth. Almost lost myself with her.
I find myself in that situation rn so I empathize with your ex wife. Nothing is worth living for and nobody gives a shit about me so why should I stop smoking?
Oh, I love your profile, Cosmo from GotG! Anyways, it is absolutely important to be able to leave a relationship where the partner is unwilling to change. I hope things continue well with you :)
"If I can't be alone with myself and I latch on to somebody to fill that void" Is honestly why I think a majority of people get into relationships, thus why they dont work out often
but will stay in them anyway because they would rather stick to the devil they know than the angel they dont.
From personal experience, the phrase “WILLING TO CHANGE” is the absolute KEY factor here.
Not every “red flag” is willing to change
Narcs especially
On point
I don't think i've met any person willing to change, they are rare as a Unicorn.
@@justb4116 I mean.. You can be willing to change and become a better person. It has nothing to do with being a people pleaser, just being the best human being you can be, and being humble about it, realizing your mistakes and willingness to change and grow as a person every day. This also involves boundaries obviously.
@@justb4116 Primarily, the point isnt to change for someone else, but to change for your own betterment. Most relationship red flags are detrimental to yourself as much or more than to other people.
And even if it wasnt and ignore selfishness, a bad relationship generally isnt good for either side anyway.
Just on a general note. Obviously idk what exactly youre talking about. Some quirks are fine and dont have to damage relationships, nor do they have to hurt a relationship.
This is why the conversations around "struggle love" really infuriate me.
They usually normalize sizing someone up entirely based on their current financial situation (or other problems) and promote really shallow, kinda harsh interactions for people in the dating world, who then go on to pay it forward (or become these reactionary "all women care about is money" types.)
It's a vicious cycle.
Welcome to capitalism ...
@@3nertia oh 100%
@@monstermoo4191I mean...they actually do..no woman is gonna be with a bum that makes ZERO MONEY 🙄
Money can be a factor l, but it's usually not the only thing they care about. And I feel like this video does a good job of bringing some nuance to this discussion.
Women, like all people, seek stability & security - whatever that means for them in their environment
A girl once told me near the end of our second date, which was back in July, "I know that forming a bond and seeing if there's a true connection with someone takes time, but I don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth to figure that out," which as been eye opening to me. And after watching your live stream where you asked viewers if they think men are rejected, and with much reflection, I'm getting a sense that the major thing anyone should look for from someone, is one who's willing to just look at you and say, "Yeah, I can try this with you." Unfortunately, people give up at the first sign of a "red flag," no matter how minor it may seem. It's almost like we forgot the line Robin Williams said in Goodwill Hunting, "You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense [...] she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal, that's what intimacy is all about." Which, on the face of it falls apart a little because he uses the words "perfect for each other," but i always took that to mean, "whether or not you're both able to just get along and solve the problems that come up from your imperfections"
In the video he tried to be gender neutral but it’s obviously the case to everyone and not mean at all to say that among heterosexual people, this is an issue mainly for women and not really men. Men don’t get enough options to to do this
Yeah , I think are notions of romance in the west has been posionous. Instead of elvauting if someone is spose materilal. We try to find some ideal person. And when we do find that. They ussally have an above averge aomount of emotional baggadge.
The Muslium man i bought my video card from was hitched by his dad. HIs father, emailed annother muslim father who had a daughter. He said: I have a son you have a daughter. We should arrange a date. The young man humored this propostion and within 3 mouths commited to a marradge. Instead of saying something like shes boring shes not very attractive like most western men would have. His sentement was. She doenst have much life experence. But i understand what she will and won't do. So their is no reason to delay any longer. They got married and made both thier fathers very happy.
The point of the story is this process is not as complex as most people in the west make it out to be. As long as both parties have the same concept of what a marrage is, and should be. Their is a good chance they can make something work.
This is the same thing that a my horticulture teacher said about choosing what type of tree to plant in your yard. They all have pros & cons, you just have to pick one with cons that you can live with.
I can actually highly relate to this. I have a girlfriend who just a year ago was feeling highly suicidal and was very anxious, yet I still wanted to be with her. I told her how I felt, but I said that we can’t be in a relationship until she works on herself to be better. 3 months later, we’re official. It’s gone through ups and downs so far, but the relationship has been going on for 1 year and 4 months, and I’m happier with her than I’ve ever been, and I think I can say the same about her
Happy for you fam. Similar experience here.
Happy for you man, congrats :)
Congrats dude
i hope its going well man :)❤️
Thx from all of you
Finding out how we navigate problems together has become THE BIGGEST factor I consider in relationships. I would put in some work but over time I found what it looked like when someone was actually *capable* of working together to settle things and solve problems. At times I worried I was expecting too much and would never find someone to meet that standard. My girlfriend has squashed those doubts.
It feels SO GOOD to be with someone who is truly willing and capable of simply sitting down and talking things out in a calm way. We’ve hurt each other, we’ve each faced hard external difficulties, but every time we can just sit down and talk it out patiently and with empathy. There’s nothing I value more, because I feel like we can face anything.
Jealous of you.
This resonates with me so much. I've with my gf for years now, and we've started with a lot of ups and downs. Mostly because I was really selfish and she was really clingey. But we've lasted so long because we always talked our worries out with each other when we saw things not working out, which ended up giving us less and less things to fight about because we understood each other more and found compromise. I'm hoping I can propose to her when I'm financially ready so we can continue understanding each other more.
It's the same for me :-) Sometimes it makes me feel a bit alone because I think people tend to not wanna talk about their relationship doing badly, mine was kind of turbulent in the beginning. We're almost three years in though and all the conflicts have been resolved, so it's nice to hear it's the same for other people as well.
Communication = key to any relationship, I am glad it is working out so well for you!
A lot of people both singles and couples could learn a good lesson from your experience with proper communication.
Great job you did together!
(Trying to post this, TH-cam is giving me a very hard time. Sorry if TH-cam suddenly shoved in duplicats,)
Damn... I'm a clingey touchy guy who would love to find a girlfriend like that 😢
The two biggest green flags I look for:
1) Is content/happy in their life already. I am a value add, and they should be a value add. This gets to the entire 'filling a need' thing.
2) Is willing to communicate clearly, compromise with each other and change when needed. However, I've found that the willingness of this to occur is based on the attraction that the two people have to each other. It in short creates the will to do these things.
I think it's pretty important that your red flags were "gamer, young, being supported by parents, etc." When I think of red flags I think of things like: prior arrests, drug/alcohol addiction, committed acts of physical abuse/violence toward other people, but especially women or animals. You know, REAL red flags.
I know a girl who will not even be friends with a person who is named Micheal because one of her exs was named Micheal. That is the way the term is being primarily used today. That is why so many people struggle to find relationships.
@@treeforged9097 yeah the definition has changed from 'things to avoid to protect your life' to 'things to avoid because you dont want to compromise and will only settle for perfection'
past drug addiction isn’t a red flag. someone could have been doing drugs more than anyone else and then one day decide that they hate it and don’t like being that way and grow into a better person you could imagine. also there should be no distinction between abuse against men, women, and animals. there is no “especially”. we are all the same. These kinds of things are not set in stone. people change and often times it is the people who have seen every side of the coin that are the best of us. it varies and you should be able to make the distinction between someone who is capable of horrible things but chooses to be someone others can look up to and someone who is a walking green flag simply because that’s all they’ve known and they have not been pushed to their actual limits or faced adversity that shows their true colors. what i’m trying to say is that it varies from person to person and just because someone has done horrible things in the past, it doesn’t mean that they are a horrible person. they could be better than you ever will be. you never know.
@@vvroomy0 i think they meant past arrests but current drug addiction during the relationship
The video regards the new meaning of red flag I think. Collegue once told me that a huge red flag for her is tipping only 15%...
I feel... quite conflicted about this one. Depends on the definition of red flag maybe? I have standards like really FAR from highest and ended past relationships based on red flags. And now after a few years from that I can 100% tell I saved my life exactly thanks to "red flag" monitoring mechanism.
There were some comments differentiating "orange flags" from "red flags" up above. "Hard no" boundaries are important, especially regarding personal violations. I think the main point of the talk is to embrace challenges and not seek perfection.
If the other person is heading straight to the psychiatric ward, does drugs or has a history of sleeping with everything that moves or being a criminal those and many more are things that one can't ignore for sure and you shouldn't feel bad about having standards
I think the point he tried to make is that people tend to seek for perfect and they’ll never find it. Love isn’t like in the movies from first sight - it’s something that is built by overcoming hardships, compromising and fighting through the struggles TOGETHER. The point is not to be too picky and to be willing to have the patience to build something with someone. How do you know something’s solid? It withstands impact.
continue living for yourself and getting stronger on the inside. soon you will have enough strength to be naturally defensive against toxicity and you can learn to drop your defense mechanisms and still embrace another person, who is hopefully going to love you back. your mechanism saved you so you can live another day just make sure you dont cut off from embracing true love from a relatively healthy partner. this can happen if we depend too much on our mechanisms, this can only exist in a situation which is truly safe, so make sure you continue monitoring but don't get stuck living inside a wall!
Your thinking is true and more likely to end up with good outcomes.
I've dated a lot of men who were looking for a partner to use in some aspect. All of those relationships failed thankfully and all of them were "red flag" relationships. I got tired of being abused due to red flags that I was unwilling to admit and accept.
My current fiance is a green flag person whereas I was more of the red flag person. I was the one with trauma and PTSD and he was a stable, loving, and loyal person that I desperately needed in my life. I no longer fear abandonment or abuse in my relationship and that stability is so refreshing. I love him because he's always there even though I am not always perfect.
The issue becomes, would he have had a more successful relationship had he gone for more of a greenflag person? Currently in this type of relationship where I'm the stable person. You never know if it'll work with red flag people unfortunately so idk if I can stay in the relationship. It basically goes against the core of my being, actually being in a stable relationship.
Whenever I hear of this kind of setup (someone with a partner who's "always there for them" despite the professing partner's imperfections and troubles) the question arises: But will you always be there for him? Can you even? What happens when the other side, the stable and safe partner, crumbles or becomes unstable...
That's the end I guess and the stable person gets the fat end of the stick despite them carrying the relationship, right?
Or?
Hopefully I'm wrong but I've observed this happening more than once...
All that energy should be invested to other positive projects as soon as you get better.
Like buying a home, going to vacations etc. You know, a meaningfull Life.
@@EyeOfTheTiger777It definitely happens. He will feel burned out eventually. Especially considering that she didn't mention being there for him.
Women always write the history books. you we're probably both toxic.
When I was 16, I was a walking red flag. Basically called myself a monster. Then I met this girl, who was also a walking red flag, all over her. And we got together, and started pushing through… 16 years later, that girl is now my wife and we both live a pacefully, healthy life, and our relationship is so stable and perfect people often tell us we are just two halves of the same being.
Edit: typo
Relationships like yours are 1 in a million, i went through the exact same as you and ended up in therapy for years after she died of overdose or a relative of mine that ended up in court for a false SA accusation and a friend who was stabbed by his ex, all of them in the context of a walking redflag teen relationships. Telling your story is fine but it should come with a notice
@@Zendvious i think your relationship is less common than OP's, sounds like OP's relationship involved alot of helping each other become better
2 teens that are "walking red flags" commonly refers as abuse victims who are addicts or have high OCD with strong psychological/psychiatric problems which sadly nowadays is way more common than it should. So tell me, in which world the norm for a relationship between persons like that works? because in the west it surely doesn't or at least if single parenthood,abuse and chronic trauma are the outcomes that define a good relationship for you@@xsw882
@@xsw882 Less common - based on what?
Oyasumi Punpun good ending
The "green flags" describes so perfectly a girl I went out to meet just a week ago. I had fun, she wasn't perfect but I wanted to meet her more. I didn't check her list and she decided not to meet again. I genuily got the sensation that she had the list of "things I want him to fix for me".
This has been in my mind lately, and gives a good angle that I was needing to have. Thanks!
thats rough dude 😮💨
That sucks but at the same time you never know what people are thinking. Once I went on a few dates and a guy kept saying I'd look good with red hair, and I stopped seeing him because it was annoying. I figured even if I told him, I think he should go find a red head because internally I'm never going to feel like I'm really his "type" you know? I don't wanna just get the guy because I'm funny I wanna be funny AND pretty to him. So I'm glad I stopped after like 3 dates because I knew it would've been an issue even though it seems small. So maybe it was something small but small things can become big things later on and it's better that you be let free to find someone a little better matched. I think the key is "settling" nobody is perfect but nobody wants to feel like "my partner just settled for me"
@@snailart14 As I guy I'd appreciate to be told that "hey I'm not liking being reminded of red head every now and then" instead of making a decision for me (as in, walk away due to a small detail that I'm probably not even aware of). You will never know what's inside the other person head unless there's open, clear and honest communication.
It's basically what this video is about. You changing what's not correct about you, and giving the oportunity for others to change what's wrong about them, and keeping and valuing those who do, because they are showing that they care enough about you and your relationship by stepping up.
It should go both ways though, and then a bucle of growth ensues! Just something beautiful in itself 🤩
Biggest red flag in my relationships, which only surfaces well within it, has been the lack of ability or willingness to communicate through or navigate through problems, even if gently or carefully. Not sure you can imagine my desperation almost every time and my hopelessness now.
I 100% understand what you are going through the, unwillingness to communicate kills me,
Same dude. I never avoided conflict, i always encourage my gf to be honest and bring forth issues but its when she actively avoids talking to me, ignores me, doesnt pick up calls or is willing to hear me out is when it gets really tough. I dont mind conflicts, im really calm in almost every problem nad im willing to talk and change for the better but the loneliness i feel when we're fighting is hard to cope with. Especially if that conflict started because of me.
@@ayushtiwari3819 Your comment opened my eyes a little bit about how my bf might feel when I avoid opening up about issues. I tend to hold back because I don't want to be "too much" and I think I'm being annoying when I talk about issues and it ends up with me withdrawing and my bf gently trying to get me to talk. We end up communicating pretty well but this is definitely something I need to work on. I never want my bf to feel lonely. I hope things get better with your gf and she starts communicating more :)
From what I've found is
1. You're not doing yourself any favors by lying especially when it comes to fantasy.
2. If reality hits (it always will) you compromise)
3. Feedback, adjust communication and support is crucial!!!! It's the key!!!!
Make sure you love your partner and you see yourself loved as well. If you got this all is golden.
4. If you leave, leave in peace.
5... ***Hint communication is key!!!***
****IF CONFLICT IS MET WITH DESTRUCTION YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR**
I've noticed this too. I've hooked up with a girl who was bipolar, went to jail twice, used to be a stripper and a cam girl, but somehow was the most caring and loving person ive had in my life. Only reason I'm no longer with her was because I judged her unfairly based on those truths that can be considered red flags even though they didn't effect me negatively in anyway. It's a mistake I don't ever plan on making again. I cringe when people turn away from someone just off of a "red flag", like no one is perfect and they're looking for someone who doesn't exist
Ironically you made the right choice. She only wanted to give you the impression she was good. Just wait until you marry this person then you’ll understand why you should’ve paid attention to those red flags. Also, don’t marry strippers as they will screw your over. That’s how their business is made after all.
I have a friend who's a former stripper, and unlike the above reply comment claims, her compassion is not a ploy at ALL. I have known her closely for almost a decade at this point, and she remains the kindest person I'm fortunate enough to know. I think how someone makes *you* feel will always be far more important than how they make outsiders feel
@@dragonsrule20201 Exception not the rule. 99% of the time, dating a bipolar stripper and expecting it to go well is like walking into a house on fire and expecting not to get burned. Strippers are master manipulators with men, that's how they make money.
I hooked up with/briefly dated a bipolar ex-stripper too. She was very good in bed, and a nightmare to deal with otherwise. I'm still suffering the psychological consequences from it like 2 years later.
In my experience, with these kinds of girls, the good behavior tends to disappear over time, and the bad behavior gets worse.
I've been with my wife for twelve years. Everything you've talked about I can confirm as true. It was extremely turbulent in the beginning. She has anger and abandonment issues, and has a lot of emotional baggage. I have none of those things and was able to be patient and clear headed enough to not fight with her and help her work through the issues she had.
Same here, but I've been with my fiancé for eight years instead.
Maybe this is because of my past and the fact that I have CPTSD that what your describing in this video does not constitute "red flags" to me. Red flags, for me, are things like - they do not take accountability for their actions, they avoid talking about difficult situations, they are quick to anger and don't have emotional maturity so they act out physically when they are angry (they punch walls, or physically hurt animals or other people). The expectation of perfection is also a red flag, to me.
Green flags: they can openly discuss their emotions, they are self aware and are in a process of working through their personal struggles, they are compassionate towards themselves and other people, and we can work together effectively.
please don't make this a red flag, punching walls far away from others is a quick and safe outlet for anger or trauma flashbacks for me, it's a fast way of coping, works faster than sport or exercise, I'm not hurting anyone else except myself and my fists when I rarely do it (it's even practiced in some martial arts to strengthen bones and knuckles), never hurt an animal in my entire life, and I'm not going around punching other people
@@speederooa3846 hurting yourself or yours/someone's property, and possibly scaring anyone who hears or is around/comes around later, isn't healthy to deal with negative emotions which will most likely come up again because punching walls is not part of the processing. sport or exercise shouldnt be done WHILE feeling very angry, but done later at a time where you can be in touch with your body.
a fast fix isnt necessarily going to help long-term.. especially if you now are justifying and defending punching walls as if it's a thing we should all try, or a trait we should praise or something... you're not practising it as someone might in martial arts, where it is a controlled environment and you are focused. if you punch a wall, you can easily break your hand if you hit a support beam. and also you'll knock other things off the walls or against walls..
OP made really great points, as someone who escaped abuse, red flags are always very serious safety issues.
@@quinnm.3127 No, I don't endorse or encourage destruction of property or objects. I admit it's not ideal to cope like this, but there is no property damage, I punch in a controlled way a wall made of bricks and mortar, at home when I'm alone in the room and nobody hears it. You mentioned "self harm", yes, it may be in tune with that, I have a suicide attempt(I don't endorse this either), and I prefer a bit of physical pain instead of emotional pain, slightly masochistic. I don't place myself or others in danger if I punch a wall, alone, it's relaxing for me, grounds me in the present and I cope like this for 25 years already, but yeah it may be maladaptive mechanism. I don't think that what I do is a red flag, it's a last resort if meditation doesn't work, hardwired in me since I was a kid.
Yeah red flags are early signs of abuse. He is talking about standards. Someone could literally get killed waiting for a beater to "work on it".
Absolutely fkn not, don't put up with abuse.
@@speederooa3846 really great points
The ending is so surreal to me. I took a 2 week trip to rehab 2 years ago and everyone was hitting on everyone. I was so confused that was happening. Everyone was bonding over trauma and having puppy love about how they will make each others' lives better.
Just starting the video, but I always considered red flags to be something to keep your eyes on, with the understanding that red flags only become a deal-breaker when there's like a critical mass of them. The implication that all red flags should dissuade a relationship is an assertion that people can't have flaws and be worth loving.
It really does boil down to whether the person with said red flags are willing to make a compromise or change it for the sake of the relationship. I’m talking about actual red flags. Not the lame ones that people make up because they believe there’s a better person
@@Jadddddddddddddddddd it's not possible. Even if you met someone's definition of perfect, what they consider your strengths would be considered flaws from someone else's perspective. What you consider flaws is based on the values you hold. Someone else having flaws is you recognising where they either don't live up to shared values, or where their values diverge from your own. Then you get to choose if that mismatch is a big enough deal to worry about it, or if it's a shared value, would a little positive influence help them realise it?
@@Jadddddddddddddddddd because not everyone needs or is looking for the same things in a relationship. There's no such thing as "Better." Just "better at". You could be a really funny person, and some people would love that and other people would find it annoying. You could debate the merits of finding humour annoying, but that's debating values. When it comes to relationships, objective "facts" are really secondary to subjective compatibility. And subjective opinions are usually well rationalised as factual within the mind and value system of the person holding them.
TL:DR People are way too complicated for there to be any meaningful attempt at an objective measure of a "good" or "bad" partner, cause ppl are into all kinds of shit. It's brain science, not arithmetic
@@Jadddddddddddddddddd
Perfectionism can be a really serious crippling flaw, though 😅
Totally agree. I take "red flag" to mean that you should take a mental note of something, instead of glossing over it. Maybe it's just a harmless quirk or a bad habit they can work on, but maybe it'll line up with a bunch of other subtle red flags to indicate that there's something deeper lurking under the surface.
This reminds me of the Benjamin Franklin effect where the way we treat people affects how we feel about them and not the other way around. If you're unfamiliar, look it up because it's really cool but in short: If I treat someone kindly I will feel more fondness towards them and if I treat someone poorly I will feel more hostility towards them. A relationship that has red flags early on requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice on both parts for the sake of the other person in that relationship and treating a person that way not only helps you grow as an individual but also increases your feelings of fondness towards them at the same time. Whereas a relationship with lots of green flags at the beginning doesn't require the same amount of hard work and sacrifice. So the feelings of fondness don't grow as rapidly as one with red flags. It's worth mentioning that both people need to be willing to grow and change or otherwise it will become a toxic relationship.
My first relationship ended because we both had problems that we didn’t know how to navigate together. We had communication struggles when it came to our emotions, mainly because we were both dealing with a lot and we hadn’t had major problems earlier on that were discussed and worked through together. But now with my current one, I feel much happier and healthier. We both have mental health issues, but we’re working through it together and can actually relate to one another more easily because of it. We’re also more vulnerable with one another and it feels great to be so honest and cared for by my current boyfriend
My husband and I met in AA. 🚩🚩🚩We decided that our relationship was important enough to keep working on. It was really hard, but both of us have changed a lot! The most important thing is to address your own problems and learn how to resolve conflict together.
Emotional turmoil promoting bonding sounds like a survival mechanism. It just reminded me of the story in one history novel where it is said that people of the town became closer during the floods.
That's just human evolution. We are evolved to live in small tribes and navigate danger together and bond over our shared struggle and experiences. In a town where everybody is living their isolated lives and dealing with their own problems internally, the flood becomes to shared struggle
That’s true. I want this 100%. When trouble times make closer bonds.
I have met people though that make troubles in order to make closer bonds. That’s the thing to watch out with that one.
Otherwise, yeah, support during tragedy is so validation
The danger here is going into a long term relationship with someone who has a fault you don't like and hoping that either you can change them or that they will change themselves. I did this and she didn't change for about 10 years. Then suddenly she changed completely (overcame her struggle) and then promptly left me. I don't think the two events are unconnected. The moral of the story for me is you have to be happy enough with the person as they are right now, and not the future person you hope they'll become. I don't mean they need to be perfect, but just don't go in naively hoping that they'll change.
My relationship is about to hit 4 years soon but in the beginning it was extremely, extremely turbulent. You talked about stress testing the relationship early, and boy, we encountered a full make-it or break-it situation after only 5 months in. Probably the most stressful thing ever for me. But after some years it's really shaped how we structured our relationship. The rules of our relationship was mostly created from that one event and similar ones. Our arguments revolved around it for two years. But now it's the reason we are happier today and way more stable. My entire family told me those were big red flags, and I agreed, but I knew there was some hope because she can compromise and change. Not as fast as I'd like but it was enough. Right now we're as strong as ever, because we got through the worst of it.
I cannot agree more- my girlfriend and I had gone through quite a bit before we started dating, and we started dating when we both felt ready. We were both wanting to improve ourselves, and since then, we’ve grown and improved side-by-side. We’ve been going very strong, and I don’t see that changing. As per usual, you are 100% correct in what you said today. Learn to work through your issues, improve yourself with your partner, and you will have a successful relationship!
These are some really out-there bold, unsafe, "I'm an invincible winner," type of guru thing to say, Dr. K
I think that, as others have said already, we should differentiate between red flags(irredeemable problems, or differences you can't work through) and other problems or maybe pet peeves (things you don't like but it's ok for others or even healthily attractive for someone else).
I was told the second group is called orange flags 👍
Thing is the term red flag is old, not exclusive to relationships, and has always meant "a potential issue to resolve or look out for". The easier thing is to just refer to major red flags as major red flags, and deal breakers as deal breakers.
didnt know i needed to hear this today, gave me a whole new perspective on my relationship.
i've been tossing and turning over a pattern of issues i've been having with my partner and this reminded me that we are both actively trying to resolve these problems.
it's very cool that despite these issues we are aware of, we're choosing to put time aside to compromise and learn to solve them.
I think another aspect to "perfect" and "checks all the boxes" is idolization. I didn't have many standards. I really idolized my partner in the beginning, admired a lot of the things he did, thought he was super hardworking, and I wanted to be like him in so many ways. Later on, I started to realize those same cracks, he took initiative a lot of the time, especially when I established I was ready to make decisions. What felt like absolute perfection turned into me realizing so many of these imperfections, feeling uncomfortable, and thus, eventually, the break up happened. He couldn't handle the rift, and decided that his environmental factors were a bigger factor in his life than a relationship that was slowly breaking thread by thread. So, for those with self-esteem issues or issues with self-love, this is a big factor that can lead to unsuccessful relationships as well. At least in my eyes (?)
I remember trying to quantify love, but then I got out of my SECOND toxic relationship. This made me reflect on what was working with me and my best friends and what wasn’t working with my partners. After doing some reflection, I just said “fuck it, my future partner, if it’s going to work out, needs to be chill with me at the level of lifelong roommates.” And so far this has worked out amazingly for me and my current girlfriend, on top of the fact that we’re very supportive of each other and have a lot of common interests that give us a lot to talk about!
That's personally what i believe. Two people can't be good partners if they can't be good friends.
@@Dice-Z It’s weird though, because I was good friends with my 2 toxic exes at first. However, if we ever lived together, we’d probably end up killing each other lol. Comfortable roommates has been a nice “recipe” so far lol
Most people mistake "accept me for who I am" for "I'm not willing to change". Nobody's perfect.
I was literally thinking about this exact thing when I saw this on my recommended. I was thinking "Man this person did this this and this, I should have seen it was a red flag, and the thing ultimately contributed to ruining the relationship down the road and at first I was like "I should have seen this coming, I should have left her sooner, but then I was like "WAIT instead of stressing about these red flags I had the thought of "what if instead of running at the first sign of red flags, what if I address them and attempt to resolve them instead of waiting for them to become a problem" this was a huge breakthrough for me and then I saws this video immediately and I was like BRUH, so this was a great watch. Always love your videos, thank you for everything that you do. I learn so much from your channel and it has proved to be a wonderful free resource on my journey of chasing self improvement.
I have been supporting my boyfriend since we started dating about 2 years ago and I feel so healthy and loved but it’s just a bad situation that they were put in without and family support. Massive stress test and in 2 years we haven’t had any arguments (we calmly talk through stressful things). I’m so hopeful for our future even though things will be hard a little while longer. Thanks for making this video.
So long as they aren't making you do all the work at home to. House husband and maybe future stay at home dad.
but.......
If they just play video games or whatever all day then no wonder they are content. An adult blaming family for putting them in a bad situation is a huge red flag. You will be blamed next. Most adults don't have their parents support them financially, pay their rent, and such. Not saying this is the case, but just saying.
I know there are other comments saying the same thing, but you should REALLY differentiate between red flags that mean "oh this person has a few unproductive behaviors" and red flags that mean "oh this person might beat me if I scramble their eggs wrong". in fact, it would be best to just come up with a completely new name for the former. in my experience, when people talk about red flags, they mean potential abuser or dark triad behaviors.
Thanks Dr. K! I am struggling a lot in my relationship and we both have huge red flags. We had several huge fights and veeeery nearly broke up. I am going through a very difficult time in life on top of that. He's almost always going through hard times.
I remember finally having the self reflection to understand I might be doing a lot of things wrong without understanding how bad they "actually" are. When I asked friends about this, they said, no, your partner is just an overly sensitive person and making excuses and dump him. But then I wondered why none of my relationships has ever lasted more than 6 months.
I thought all of this was very abnormal and I didn't think my friends in healthy relationships went through this, so thank you for letting me know that it is normal.
Never go to your friends about relationship issues unless you are 100% certain they have gone through the same thing as you. When friends (overprotective ones especially) can't truly emphasize with your situation but don't want you to be hurt, they will usually start hating your partner. The overprotective friends will start trying to get you two to break up.
Lately I've been really leaning into trying to be authentic to myself. It's making me think im bipolar because I fluctuate between happy and sad and depressed. I think it's just me leaning more into my feelings and letting myself feel them in present more instead of bottling it up and exploding.
There's no more powerful intimacy than seeing someone at their worst and choosing to love them anyway
the gamification of dating apps, the lack of proper communication skills, and the shift in what red flags are and how to deal with them, all contribute to the mess that is the current dating scene. people are definitely too focused on the checklist of wants and list of flags to avoid, when you need to look at a person as a whole and *communicate* what you want, expect, and wont tolerate. also if youre dating advice is based on terrible phrases, your results are gonna reflect that. weve been dating for a boyfriend on and off for years and lack of communication has been the biggest issue. super annoying
Just had someone break my heart who called me perfect. Gotta believe this is one of the reasons why. There were things that I was upset about that I bit my tongue over. If I had spoken up, things may have been different. But when the feelings faded after 3 months and there was 0 conflict, it probably left her bored and without any real connection to me from how guarded I was. It's okay to be upset, but don't bottle it up. Lesson learned.
This advice is working not only for relationships with partners. Looking back how i build my best friendships. It goes something like "We were kids, so we didn't know how to behave so we harm each other, but at the end of the day we sorted out problems". Though I rarely met them our bound is sill strong. In contrast friendship from high school were everyone tried to be polite aren't that strong.
The concept of dumping someone if they have a red flag is actually fairly new. In the past you used to work on each other and yourselves together and help build each other up. Dumping someone for a red flag immediately is this newer culture of throwing things away and getting new ones all the time
I'm glad to hear you talk about this because I have been noticing this trend and it started to bug me because let's face it, while we don't want to engage in physically or emotionally unhealthy relationships, none of us our perfect and flawless. We are having a human experience which comes with some 'baggage' and imperfections. It's easy to write people off, it's harder to self reflect and navigate through conflict successfully with another person
He's literally describing my boyfriend when he mentions what we should focus on for partners. And that's why I'm here, cause I know that I am the problem and he really deserves more, and I also need to get out of my comfort zone. But this video gave me a lot of insight, so thank you a lot. I've been scrolling through your videos for hours trying to understand myself and what I need to do and how to do it. And I don't have the exact answer yet, but I have definitely learnt a lot today. Thank you for making this type of content.
This goes to other kinds of relationships too, like friends and such. I've been in many occasions where a person has had problematic behaviour and seen that not only is it draining _me,_ but it's gonna hurt them in the long run, too.
In these cases, I've discussed it with them to see what the hell's going on. Most important is to _properly_ listen to what they say and see if you can get to the bottom of it.
Like, last year we had a person in our friend group who was causing problems by being pretty abrasive and nonchalant. The rest of the group had been wanting to get him out, but I insisted on letting him stay because we could be a good influence to help him improve. If he was showing abrasive behaviour, I took the responsibility to explain the problem to him, why it was causing friction and what he could do about it.
Took a bit of doing and things were improving, but things were still not good. There was still a lot of arguments and such.
Unsure what he could do, he came to me privately one day and wondered what he was doing wrong.
For 3 hours straight, we were in conversation where I basically taught him how to adapt, show respect and read between lines to figure out how people want to be treated, since everyone wants respect, but what respect looks like differs from person to person. What I said was basically "treat others how you want to be treated is more about giving the same amount of respect you wish to receive, rather than literal treatment".
He was willing to change. There were red flags in his behaviour, but he was willing to change, without changing the core of who he was, and nowadays things are far less abrasive. I get far less complaints about him, he seems more comfortable in the group and things are slowly but surely looking better.
A very small ounce of patience was all it took.
The ability to compromise and care enough to change is huge. If the other person isn’t willing to change, or compromise then the red flag will always stay red.
As a happily married individual, finding a perfect person literally never even crossed my mind. That line of thinking seems like a huge ego issue that needs sorting out. I can't imagine what kind of crappy relationship I'd be in now if I had "high standards". Although I'm married to a cute Japanese girl so I can't ask for more.
It's kind of a relief to see in the comments people talking about major red flags like hardcore drug addiction and a history of domestic violence because everywhere else I see red flags discussed it's always "Is his car more than 10 years old? Did she ask about your horoscope on the first date?"
Dr. K,
Would you consider creating a set of modules in Dr. K's Guide devoted to relationships? So much of what you have said has been helpful for me in the rocky start to the 6-month relationship I'm in now. I want to continue to grow with this girl. Although things have been difficult, she is so worth the trouble. I would love to know how I can continue to grow in this relationship. I really love her a lot and want to make the most of this. You're such a great resource, and I know I'm not the only one who could benefit from this. I know you're busy enough as it is, but I'm hoping it's something you might consider. Much love to you and your family, Dr. K
Such a great video. When my partner and I fell in love I was definitely cognizant of the red flags, but repressed them like the dumb teenager I was. Seven years later, we’ve dealt with (and continue to deal with) countless very, very serious conflicts, and the process of sorting those things out has knitted our minds and bodies together in a way that does truly feel unbreakable. There’s definitely still an aspect of myself that feels a degree of guilt over proceeding into the relationship with in spite of the red flags, just due to the nature of the cultural discourse around this topic. Wouldn’t change the bond we have now for anything in the world, but you know, things eat at you on an unconscious level. Really needed to hear this
As I understand it, red flags are things like manipulation, gaslighting, reacting poorly to boundaries. And green flags are things like good communication, willingness to work together and change if appropriate, and solid personal boundaries.
I really hope that people who are trapped in abusive relationships know the difference, and don't think that wanting basic respect is "refusing to compromise".
My most successful relationship as of yet started with me hearing awful rumors about her. Some of which, if true, would be automatic deal breakers. At first I decided it wasn't worth pursuing a relationship in case these rumors were true, but after a bit I decided to reach back out and talk to her about it. The conversation went so well and I saw a person who was willing to consider that she may have done harm without realizing it instead of someone who simply denied the rumors outright. I was convinced that they were probably not true and decided to live my life and date her anyways.
We ended up being incompatible for unrelated reasons but it was definitely a lesson in the power of talking through issues instead of running away at the first difficulty I encounter (or worse, ignoring those issues).
Its ok to give people chances and opportunities but it just as important to put a time limit on it and know your boundaries
I agree that accepting and trying to work through softer red flags is good. The guy I'm seeing now has had a pattern of relationships failing in the same way, and I've been friends with him long enough to see it happen a couple times. Once we started dating I told him I was concerned bc I saw these red flags. So we talked about it a lot and he's been really honest with me. And we've continued to talk and I've been trying to be sensitive to his needs and things have honestly been so good. I'm glad that I gave him a chance instead of writing him off for those red flags bc he makes me really happy. Granted, we've only been together for a few months so it's possible things could go bad at some point and he could fall into his old patterns. But I feel like we're both open and honest enough that we can overcome it together; and if not, then we've talked about this and I hope we'll be able to accept that it should end.
Being open and talking about oir pasts and insecurities has been wonderful for our relationship. We feel like we undersatnd each other better and why we have the strange brains sometimes. That being said, I feel like my insecurities will become a burden sometime in the future so I will work on them with a therapist once I find someone I can click with. My partner always wants me to talk about them and not hide anything but I feel like one day they might grow too tired from my thoughts
This was a very helpful perspective! There are so many trends and discussions around avoiding people with red flags when in reality we all have them. Communication and collaboration is so important to the health of an intimate relationship. ☺️
Nobody is perfect, and we all have insecurities. At end of it all we just want to be accepted. There is so much more to a person then what we label as a "Red Flag".
Great video, Be kind and take care
yes, people who can't tolerate one or two red flags is basically better be avoided,
everyone is like a todo list to them, they see people as a checklist instead of seeing them as a person.
and those who can't tolerate red flag will easily give up on you whenever you're in a hard time.
they'll constantly dig you, finding the slightest red flag on you.
it's impossible to make this type of person happy, because they're too preoccupied with finding other people mistake.
@@jensenraylight8011 Wow that is extremely well said, totally agree. It is so much easier to look for the flaws in others, to work on ourselves. Take care
@@jensenraylight8011A "red flag" should be something severe enough to end a relationship. No such thing as a "slight" red flag. A character trait or behaviour that someone dislikes is not a red flag, and it's trivialising to call it as such.
@@FightingTorque411 i'm actually agree with you, but in reality, people didn't treat red flag like that.
people use the word red flag for petty thing.
i'm not the one that making the rule here,
i'm just saying things from my observation.
and to make it worse, they also like to use "the ick" to further judge the person.
@@bodzee thanks!, you too, take care
Great points honestly. I never chased green flags nor have a checklist criteria, but my latest partner was someone who I personally described as perfect, it was amazing for a whole year and then it all fell apart in a matter of days, I still don't quite understand what happened but it did open my eyes as to the fact that green flags or a seemingly perfect relationship doesn't mean anything, it can all be gone before you know it.
It's the trend to navigate problems by just leaving. People who say ick and red flag i find aren't really serious about relationships. They just want a "perfect" partner but aren't willing to work for it
100% i think social media has a lot to do with this. there’s always (seemingly) some better possibility out there. but not really because there is no such thing as a perfect partner. ALL relationships take work. i think a lot of times people throw away what could have been a good thing because they don’t want to put in the work
Nothing wrong with running away from red flags, so long as the red flags are actually red flags (e.g. manipulative behaviour) and not just nitpicks.
I realised very soon in my current relationship. The first few 4 months that we are now. Is that due to a long-distance relationship. We had to make LOTS of agreements. Discuss quality video-call time and message casual time. When do we stop talking and when can we chat. When do we go meet each other in real life and when we close our phones to have our much needed alone time by ourselves separetly. Even when conflict arrives, we are both learning how each other work. We are painfully aware on which ways we lack skills and we lack means to properly resolve conflict at certain moments. We love each other so much, we don't mean to harm each other, we just sometimes rub each other from time to time, like I guess all couples do. I like that we have lots of compromise, and we can make agreements both ways so that it fits both, none or alternating one and another.
Conflict is inevitable...resolution is not. However, a good resolution will bring everyone involved closer together and develop mutual trust and appreciation for each other.
Good stuff as usual, Dr K.
This!
Something I was taught back in 2012 when I broke up with my now husband, from an older married man in regards to our then breakup:
"Your sister's got all of these standards and expectations for meeting a guy, right? Well, what happens when she meets someone who meets *hers* but not *his* ?" Those words got my down the aisle in 2021. Keep doing the GG work Dr. K. We really, really, oh man, REALLY need as many people like you talking about this in an approachable human manner.
Yup, and take dating apps for example, it’s like a checklist for most people and back then even if you weren’t attractive as a person you could still smell nice, carry yourself well and exude confidence and charm, something that’s hard to transmit thru pictures in apps…
I had a red flag that my boyfriend didn't mind: my armpits sweat A LOT and no matter how much deodorants I used, they STINK because I don't have the ABCC11 gene. I'm half Korean, so I'm angry I don't have it. But he confessed he was armpit fetish. We married a year later and are happy now 😊
That is not a red flag. A red flag is something that indicates future abuse. You have a flaw that some people might want to skirt around.
WOW, just WOW. You hit all the points about the flaws of my previous relationship, and of myself. Despite that it turns out she was a pathological liar with severe mental issues (BPD mainly), I still had my own issues (co-dependency, lack of self-worth, depression I never addressed, etc) which made our unstable and toxic relationship worse over time. Although it's extremely hard to imagine how it would've turned out with her knowing who she is now, I still am sad that, had I been more mature and emotionally stable, maybe I could've helped both of us grow into better people than we were...
I always say: "Redflags are what they are... just a redflag... a warning, that's it"
I see videos titled like "X redflags to watch out for" and basically they say that "if this is the case it means that" which is fine to some level but it's just judging to much if done excessively. And judging is just presuming something based on few information but the less information you have, the worst that presumption will be . When they hit the nail in the head by chance they just think they are smarter but in reality they had some intelligence and some luck.
I like your perspective. I think a "red flag" isn't a "stop sign" but a "be cautious sign" just as you said. It allows you to notice where problems may arise and whether you'll be good at handling them. It can also help you find strategies before hand.
I think it is more of a: "Can I deal with this without harming myself or the other person?". If you can you try, if you can't you move on to find someone else or to work a little bit on your relationship skills.
You two are thinking of a yellow flag. A red flag is something very bad like if they cheat on you or try to hide you.
@@JohnSmith-mc2zz Oh, good to know.
@@JohnSmith-mc2zz Maybe I'm off with the terminology but most videos that I watched and used the term "red flag" was really just a warning like "he does X then " and most of them are just minor to medium things, nothing major. But yeah, I have never heard the term "yellow flag". I heard red flags, deal breakers and green flag as well.
@@li3838 Yeah, "dealing with it" is a great approach because in my opinion it does not include "changing it" in the other person which we have very little control of and it's also questionable how moral to control other people as well.
Also, it can mean a lot more things than one would guess at first, we don't know their stories but they have a life just as complex as ours. In some cases red flags turn out to be totally misleading.
Because of another comment in here that referred to a lot of these things as orange flags, I'm gunna use that term. I have a few orange flags, self sabotage due to trauma and insecurities and what not and I've been feeling down in the dumps feeling like I don't deserve love and no one will ever want me.
This video has made me feel soooooo much better. I've had a friend for over 10 years now and we're entertaining the idea that we might be right for each other and I couldn't get this idea out of my head that I'm too much of a mess for her but... we've already been through some of the turbulence you speak of and we seem to be handling it quite well
I don’t look for a perfect partner, I look for a compatible partner, a person I can live with mostly in peace and respect.
Wooooooooow this explains why my last relationship had so many issues! Thank you so much Dr. K!!
Yeah, being able to work through problems together and comprise really is key.
Im no longer religious, but when I was still involved in religion, I was always told "real love isn't afraid to bleed", and I think you perfectly drive home the sentiment of that.
Im dating a girl that not only did we dislike each other a ton in highschool but after graduating I met a new best friend and moved in with him and it turned out to be his sister
So for sure some red flags there. 10 years in at this point and every day is better than the last.
I don't think I like me from high school.
@@JohnSmith-mc2zz the only people who like their past self are the ones who didnt grow (generally speaking)
He is correct here It’s so important to be able to sort out conflicts
This is fascinating!! When people ask me about my partner, I tell them the primary reason I gave him an in was because he told me he had a therapist. A lot of people have mentioned they would see that as a red flag that something's wrong. But I see it as a green flag that he's willing to work on those things ❤
This only hurts my heart even more. Because it confirms I did exactly that... broke up with great guys because of some red flag in my mind. 5 years ago this reality hit me and I started feeling that I made a huge mistake especially about one particular guy. Regret started eating me alive, but I couldn't turn back time. I can't describe in words how much regret destroyed me, how d3monic it got inside.. I am still recovering... I haven't met anyone new since then and time is passing by, exactly like Dr K said. I never thought I would be in this situation (over 40 and not married, with great guys to choose from until I was 35) but, here I am. Trying to recover and to somehow move on.
Well this entirely depends how you define red/green flags or what you base them on.
My red flags have to do with narcissistic abuse and whether my own mental health can handle a certain person (specifically whether I'm able to maintain my healthy boundaries with them and continue my healing or not-whether a relationship or communication with them unavoidably makes it worse) and their willingness to listen to important feedback if they have a problem and take responsibility for their own self improvement instead of avoiding communication or acknowledging the reality of their struggles and need for growth and healing -whether that ends up being something we agree is with my help or based on their needs and my limitations has to be without my help.
So that "chase red flags leads to love" concept doesn't work as a blanket rule.
It only works if your norm is to treat a person as a checklist of positive achievements by social norms (has a job, brings utility to relationships, makes me feel X) and don't introspect beyond that to meet your own needs or take responsibility for your own growth but use them as a substitute for it, don't see them as a person and don't care to get to know them and value them for who they are as an individual.
If you base your red/green flags on these criteria instead of realising that things like having a job are arbitrary in this world we live in not indicative of character, and the appropriate roles and boundaries you have in meeting your own and each other's needs, and the necessary self awareness to understand why you pursue that you pursue, then you're definitely going to miss it, like Dr K said.
So it just comes down to what you actually define as red/green flags.
The imperfect parts of a person are sometimes the most beautiful thing about them
I've seen everything from genuinely concerning behavior to liking the wrong band described as a red flag. The term has lost most of it's meaning and is quickly becoming a way to justify societal norms while pretending you're looking out for your best interest.
It also reeks of a view of relationships that lacks nuance. You see this for men with the whole "Say this, approach her like that" as if the woman is some kind of robot you just have to slam the right inputs into. For women it's more like a view where they have to find some laundry list of requirements to be happy. Both are delusional. It's hard to critique because when you criticize this view it's very easy to make an appeal to safety. If you keep running into people who brag about doing harm to animals, trashing their exes, etc then fair; those are red flags. When you keep running into people who don't share your exact music taste, fashion sense, worldview, etc that's just being picky.
As a concept it also feels kind of dehumanizing. Used to hang out with this BPD chick. She was a handful but I felt very understood by her. Maybe it's just my taste in women but I think knowing how full of red flags we both were made us have a sort of connection.
I just want to say that the "say this, approach her like that" stuff works on far too many people
Me being one of them, proven by a girl who did the basic stuff in those and had me flustered 😂
Yeah, it's about signs of an abusive toxic person. Now they are just calling standards red flags.
Drawing a false equivalence between men and women in “discourse” today is weirdly done with almost all social issues. It’s gross and an incorrect neutrality bias. Stop it. A lot of times issues don’t apply equally to men and women. Probably most of the time.
Women having a long list of expectations yes is the main example in this red flag discussion. Men trying to work on approaching women and developing strategies to do so even if those strategies become problematic has nothing to do with red flags or anything. Women expect men to approach.
It’s just telling it like it is that issue applies 10x to women than to men. There are so much less men in relationships than women that any issue related to being in relationships applies to women more than men
The most important aspect in any relationship partner is a willingness to change and adapt, as well as grow together.
I remember when i got this book by Erich Fromm called "The art of loving" from my friend, and actually many things from that book was said in the video. I'm in a wonderful relationship for over a year now, we both have some "red flags" that don't really "satisfy" our friends and families, but we chose to work through our problems for ourselves and for our future.
There's one constant for any romantic relationship to work out: it takes a great deal of maturity, humility, self awareness, etc on both sides!
It's not about what a potential partner "ticks off" on a check box, but how the two of you bond with each other as people that determines whether or not it's ultimately going to last
I think the reason that red flags are attractive is that we ALL know that we're imperfect, flawed people, and people who are honest about our flaws from the outset seem more honest than people who act like they're flawless. As a man who was in therapy for about ten years, you will NEVER be completely flaw-free. I will never be someone who does not have difficulty controlling my anger. That doesn't mean I have permission to use my anger abusively, but it does mean that is a flaw I have. That's a card I put on the table for all to see. Some women will never be able to be in a relationship with a man like me, and that's okay, those women are not for me, and vice versa. Similarly, I cannot be in a relationship with a woman who is gonna be prone to screaming at me.
If I know that one of my partner's main flaws is, for example, a lack of trust, I can work with that, because my life experience has led me to have a hard time with trust as well, and I can have sympathy for that problem, and understand it well enough to be kind when my partner is struggling with that. That's a flaw that does not make a person less compatible for me. It's one that can be worked through (perhaps they can learn to trust ME after given time to do so even if not others, for example) just the same way that if my partner doesn't express her anger by screaming at me, my anger issues are not going to be a problem between us either.
We're all broken in little ways- cracked and torn. Sometimes, the cracks in us mesh with the cracks in others, and it can lead to some really deep bonding. That's not a bad thing, quite the opposite. Our pain makes us able to understand each other more deeply than if we'd never felt any pain.
"If you can't take me at my worst" is usually supposed to be about working through things and not breaking up immediately. It's supposed to be about supporting each other through rough times. Was not aware that it was being used any other way. I guess anything can be used to mean something different from what it's intended for.
For me the biggest red flag that you should actually avoid is (for both men and women):
- Signals that they might be a cheater.
- No attempt of solving the problems in relationship.
- Behavior that can result in abuse or even worse.
- Past history (for an example, they have done something really horrible that they want to hide from you)
Of course, some may disagree but do not forget that some of the things you may consider a red flag to run away from may actually be fixable if the other person is willing to change.
Past history depends on a number of factors imo. If they are upfront about their history and have genuinely worked to change that, don't leave just because of what has happened. Severity of past history is also a factor too
Collegue once told me that a huge red flag for her is tipping only 15%... The stuff you talk about is more like a stop sign.
@@srdav1d56 I guess that's my red flag. I hate tipping culture so much
Everyone has some sort of “baggage”, it’s all in how you carry it. If you run away from everyone carrying something, you’ll be running until you collapse. When you’re down there, it’s the people who are strong from carrying their weight with them that will be most likely to help you back up. If you have run away from them all, there won’t be anyone left to help. Then *you* become your own “baggage” when you pick yourself up to carry yourself forward. That’s all it really means to have the “baggage”, and all it has ever meant for anyone.
It’s up to us as individuals to learn how to carry ourselves forward in a positive and healthy manner. It’s okay to stumble; it’s okay to need help with the load. It’s rarely wise to avoid luggage altogether. Plan for the journey on which you intend to disembark, and maybe even leave room for a few things picked up along the way.
I will agree that relationships nowadays do need true bonding through struggle. Couples back in the day had to bond a lot stronger.
People are used to getting petty commodities whenever they want, and sometimes view other human beings as commodities.
I just had to save the last part's transcription. It was just so well said:
"What I'm saying is that I'm noticing an increasing trend of people looking for perfect. And the more they look for perfect, the more they delay conflict resolution.
And if you really look at what leads to prognostically's very successful relationships, it's the ability to navigate conflict and compromise.
And oftentimes as we discount people with red flags, we don't give people a chance to change and to grow! That's actually shooting us in the foot."
Finally i can justify my type to my friends lmaooooo
😂😂😂
“Studies shows guys are more likely to be attracted to gals with mental illnesses”
The "I can fix her" lads are POPPING OFF
@@highcaliber350 😆😆😆🤣😆🤣😆🤣😆🤔😆😆🤣🤣😆🤣😆🤣
For the most part, I've been under this impression for a long time, and yet, many of the people who somehow ended up in relationships, who didnt follow their own advise, to wait and sort out myself first before getting in a relationship, still insisted for me to wait.
I'm glad to know that I was of the right mind even though I'm still single.
watched on 24000x speed, truly his best vid yet
Trouble is we love predicting futures. Some shit you will never see coming no matter what you do.
"I must deserve the perfect partner. If my partner is not perfect implies that neither me. What it's obviously unacceptable because I am perfect." This is what goes through the head of such people.