The 7 Common Protest Behaviors of Fearful Avoidants and Their Root Causes
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The Common Protest Behaviors of Fearful Avoidants and their Root Causes
In this video, I talk about the most common protest behaviours we can expect from Fearful Avoidants and what are the most probable root causes that lead to those protest behaviours. Enjoy!
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"By the time someone is angry a lot of things had to go wrong first"
Too bad FAs never comnunicate that clearly though before exploding
1. Being harsh with words
2. Having spiteful behaviors
3. Flip-flopping from hot to cold
4. Avoiding expressing how you truly feel
5. Avoiding expressing what you truly need in this situation
6. Acting with contempt
7. Emotional volatility
Thanks as always for a brilliant video on the road to more and more self-awareness ❤️
Sounds exactly like my ex, especially after we broke up and got much more triggered
#1. Guilty. l do this when I'm tired, fed up, lost patience, stressed out. I express things that may sound harsh, blunt, critical. But these are still honest expressions. Speaking my truth in the heat of the moment vs having the energy, patience to speak with tact, Grace.
#2 guilty l do it in a passive aggressive way where l feel otherwise powerless
#3 I'm human. I'm a moody 8th house Pisces sun/cancer moon
#4, 5 well of course! I don't feel emotionally safe to express myself or that even making them known will do anything for me (risky proposition)
#6 self protective measure because I'm a natural empath, see the good in everyone, understanding of motives, human frailties and all that. The rose colored glasses come right off
#7. I feel a lot, but don't let it show. I'm not that crazy! But yeah l do have a push/pull thing in my affections. I want to be close but at the same time not that close! Lol a little arms length can be perfectly healthy
Bonus: l own a John Gottman book. The one that espouses the idea that divorces are costly. It's a NYT best seller of courseim
@@arxsyn #1! Whenever i start to feel guilty for being horrible i console myself with the fact that it was the truth 😂🤣😂
This is actually me, i thought i was an AP. I am very harsh with words and I extremely spiteful and emotionally volatile when fed up and angry
God, am all of these to. the family who betrayed me.
My biggest protest behavior...is saying I’m done..and I’m out of this relationship...when I actually mean you crossed an important boundary for me please don’t do that again...cuz it breaks my trust and my safety in the relationship
Knowing the difference now, seems like relationships will have a lot more potential if you just say that second one instead, and explain the boundary and how it was crossed. Speaking as someone who once dated a FA. Unfortunately healthy people will rarely wait around taking emotional cannon fire over and over without achieving any understanding. I find that the reactionary blow ups are the most tragic thing for a person with wounds around abandonment. That vicious cycle of desperately not wanting to be abandoned, acting insane (from the unwitting partners POV), and being abandoned, over and over. It's all stuff I wish I'd known about years ago. Thank goodness for these videos and the potential for healing.
I need to stop doing this I really wish I had money to heal 😭💔
My ex to a "T"
@@Ryan-ob6gp Yes, but also, in my case at least, I am afraid to say the second (or say it timidly, when I am already one, or both feet, out) because uncounsciously (now I know that I do it and why) I believe that, even if I told it, the person will not know or want or care enough to do what I need or to respect that boundary (it's not so much with boundaries in my case, it's more with specific needs), and I also hate to be an emotional burden. So, basically what happens in this is that I uncounsciously feel that I would be a burden for the other when expressing great, overwhelming or important feelings for me, so I prefer just to leave instead (why bother or why burden). Sometimes, there may also be shame involved that I have the need in the first place and a feeling of it being unimportant once is out of my mouth and fearing that the person will also think it's unimportant, I don't want to complain or feel that I am asking something of them that, sometimes, even if I trust they would want to do it (and I had very trustful, secure partners) I feel that they will not understand it anyway and because of it not be able to the way I really need it (cause in my mind I think that if they had understood it, they would have acted upon it from the beginning, without me expressing). It is also difficult sometimes to express that need in a clear and appliable way 'cause sometimes, to be honest, I myself do not really know or I am not attuned with that need on a deeper, more detailed way (I may know I need connection, for example, but don't always know what is exactly bothering me and especially in which way the person could fulfill that need, so what to ask for exactly). So it's all too complicated. This, of course, does not always happen. It is especially with diffuse needs and feelings. But, bottom line, and out of all this, the conclusion is that, that specific person is not the right person for me, I don't want to change him or her, to make him or her do what I need or to show that I need it (not so much out of vulnerability, but especially because, on a deeper level there is something in me that doesn' t believe in my right of having that need in the first place - the wounded child in me - like all the needs of others are more important. And this is because the emotional deep needs in my childhood were not even listened to when I tried (and hell I tried) to express them to my mother, while I tried and I was, as a small child, empathetic and listened to everybody else, so in my case it's these kind of difffuse emotional needs where this happens the most, not so much with other types of needs. So yes, I am realizing all this now and I am healing. This channel helped me a lot by bringing so much clarity into it. I also have some time being aware of it, by thinking of past relationships, and by seeing my patterns in groups also. Like everything makes more sense now - what my psychanalist told me years ago, how I could not trust even her at a deeper level and more things I realize now. Writing in the comments in this channel helps me a lot, too. In the test my scores were 33% FA 33% secure, 25% DA and 8% AP. It is funny that I realized that sometimes I would even delete these kinds of comments to complete strangers bc of a feeling of uneasiness and vulnerability. Now I will leave it. :). It is also strange that this is sometimes super subtle, for example the deep, emotional trust and intimacy issue, I would have said (because I share a lot in relationships) that i had no issue with it, or with opening up, but it's with these kinds of deep unexpressed needs, especially when they gather up even before I really truly catch myself having them and that are so difficult to express, that the fear and lack of trust and not wanting to share appears. But well, it is all a healing process. And I love, it is so liberating, to finally understand and to see all these under-the-surface patterns, way of thinking and emotions and mostly to be able to realize that they are not the Real Reality. That people, in their majority, once you tell them and especially if they are secure, will want to hear and will care enough to do something to understand and meet my needs (and me theirs of course), that this is the way to grow in a relationship and that, of course, knowing all I know, I also have to care enough about my own feelings and needs, understand them and find ways to express them in a clearer way. So this is my responsability too, abd part of growing up. And that the ones who cannot understand or who will not even want to listen are struggling themselves with their own fears and this has nothing to do with me or my wants and needs being too much or inadequate. That is basically what happened with my mother too. So it's ok. I also feel that the path to a more secure and healthy attachement style passes also through being able to accept a certain amount of frustration. Yes, sometimes the other will meet my needs, know how to etc, and sometimes he/she will not know, be able to or be available in that moment for me. A certain amount as I said. But that is all right, this does not mean I am unsafe and have to flee. I also have me. Thanks guys, for reading.
you see when my partner said " Im done" I felt this was a bluff and a threat that the relationship meant little to him. Also, my boundaries werent respected so I started to not respect his.
I try to express myself in a healthy"adult" way but when I feel dismissed THAT'S when all this comes out
I'm so sorry to the avoidant person in my life, I hope I never made her feel dismissed, or "unheard". I tried telling her but I couldn't tell what exactly it was that caused me to seem that way, but probably I was trying to put on a positive outlook and my avoidant person maybe took this as unrealistic optimism, ignoring her concerns trying to bluff my way out of conflict, but I was just trying to make her feel that I still loved her no matter what.
Yep - I don't feel good right now. My husband is hanging with his son, nephew, nephews girlfriend and her sister buttttttt it feels like he's pulling away. 😭 It's really just my issues buttttt I am watching this to be sure.
Yeah, especially #1. I only get harsh with my words when I'm not getting heard any other way. Then it's like I have to shock the person out of their stupor to finally get the message. And what is called or perceived as spite, for me, isn't being vengeful, it's trying to get the point across in a way the person understands. If they're not getting my words, maybe they'll get it when they feel the way I feel.
@@howtosober same here 😁💯💯🎯
Always 😢😢😢
this is like having cheat codes to life
Where my fearful avoidants at 🙋🏻♀️🥴
Holaaaaa
Zzup?? 👋🏼
🙋♀️ but hopefully not a permenant FA!! 🙈
🤣😂
Ayyyeee
The spitefulness...my longtime partner and I I think are BOTH FA's. Trying to unpack an emotional discussion is so hard because I feel like he thinks listening and validating MY feelings negates the validity of his, and then he doesn't feel heard or understood, he feels like he's being made "wrong." I've said a zillion times that's not the case the goal is understanding each other and no one needs to be right or wrong, but he really seems wedded to that way of looking at things and I fear it's destroyed us.
I do engage in all of these behaviors. One of my issues is I am trying to put into practice asking for my needs to be met from people who absolutely cannot do it. They are so emotionally unavailable and unaware of themselves, that when I do state my needs appropriately and ask properly for them to be met, it ends up in activation of major protest behavior on my part. I end up feeling even more unsafe in stating my valid needs and it becomes a vicious cycle.
I am truly telling you that it’s not your fault !!! Narcissists are great at brain manipulation techniques like NLP ... google it or watch it here on TH-cam. Check it you have nothing to loose !!!
@@maryt7959 thank you!! I do know about narcissism. I'm trying to differentiate between that and attachment style issues. I know it's not my fault, though I'm not at a place where I believe it all the time.
Me too
imagine your mom hurting you so much, and because she knows it hurts, she contantly uses it against you because you always get sad after that, just so she gets the last word.
you start tearing up and tell her why would you say that to your son, and she always replies, oh you want to act like europeans do now ? "you shouldnt be sad or hurt its the truth"
this kind of treatment since i could remember, im the oldest brother and i see her doing this to my siblings and i took it upon my self to not let them get the same wounds and trauma i have
Honestly my boundaries have never been respected by anyone so I have no idea how to even implement boundaries or get anyone to respect them.
This is gold. You are amazingly blessed for allowing yourself to be a source for helping humanity to heal on so many broken levels. Truly life changing. I hope you wake up every morning and go to bed every night knowing that you are the light for so many who you will never see or hear from but whose lives you have helped to irrevocably change for the better from the inside out. Your words are the essence of all spiritual teachings. Wish you everything back what you are sharing with the world. You are a world teacher. May we all live our lives in such a way that we cannot but help to spread this message forward in compassion and oneness.🤲🏽🙏🏽
Yes she is absolutely incredible🤯 I wish more people would learn this, its so important!
Well said! I feel the same!!! Truly a blessing, a light through a long dark confusing tunnel that was being an FA for years❤️
I'm a fa, and I learned that HERE! This information that you're presenting is saving my entire mindset from what I thought was the case. You're doing important work. Please, keep doing this ❗
Thanks so much Travis, we're happy we're having an impact on you :)
-PDS team member
Thank you for wanting to be a better human being for yourself and your relationships 🙏🏽
Thank you for this content.
I think you should name your program “Childhood Do Over”
LOL!
Agreed!!
Amen!!
The saddest part for me is that even when you try your best and communicate in a calm compassionate way, the other person may still not hear you, lash out, act self-defensive, or even throw anger at you. I see now that my endless patience for such responses was a misguided lack of boundaries. Now I walk away from such people.
The more I watch these videos the more I develop this ability to speak up without fear of judgement or ridicule, love how Thais gives us scripts to use, I believe they are very effective in creating that subconscious comfort zone of communicating openly.
Here to remind all the FAs doing the work that you don't have to live in the shadow of the person you've been before especially for those who have experience with emotional outbursts as a protest behaviour actually all the above, don't shame or guilt yourself for not knowing better, just keep doing thr work and validating yourself for how much better you're getting
Thank you for this. Sometimes it's very hard to read the comments where people vilify FA's when it's been years of working on ourselves and taking on so much from others that is not actually ours...
I will keep doing the work. You have motivated me! Keep up yours!
update: we both did therapy and we're both ok now. We worked out issues which was ME being toxic, complacent and always criticizing. We're ok now.
You have to leave. You've given it too much time. Don't stay 8 more years. Get into therapy and find out why you're enduring this
@@djpdyson awwww thank you for reply
You can do it. You just have to believe that you deserve better than what you've been receiving honey
A lot of women would appreciate what she doesnt
Cheats on you? I understand you love her, I imagine. But this is more than a major red flag. I mean, as Dawn said, 8 years and same pattern, maybe it's time to heal and leave or leave and then heal and to be able to heal also.
I'm an FA, I also have ADHD (I don't know if that's important). I made a playlist for someone I cared about once. They didn't listen to it, and that really hurt because I put a lot of time and heart into it. I was trying to help them understand how I felt. I resent them for that
Did you tell them?
@@ineedhoez I did. Made no difference
I felt that 😢
usually I don't comment on videos but this one... oh my god. I am still processing this.
I was watching this video while eating dinner and didn't thought I would hear something new but the point with being spiteful was just too much for me. suddenly I stopped eating and cried.
I thought I was a monster for being so mean, spiteful and even hostile sometimes against my loved ones. I literally tried to destroy my exes life after he cheated on me when I still loved him..
now I am 100 percent sure: I am a fearful avoidant and I know my flaws. it's time to heal myself
and of course, thank you sooo much for understanding me and the others!
For me, I feel the most spiteful when I have forced myself to be uncomfortably vulnerable to explain these feelings and triggers in hopes for the better good of our relationship, and those boundaries continue to be violated. I will be spiteful because, clearly me explaining to you over and over and being vulnerable with you did not work, so let me give you a taste of your own medicine. If words dont work maybe actions will.
Awesome for recognising this about you. If you feel your approach is unhealthy or cause you to be misunderstood even more, you could try to explain your boundaries and explain if or when they’re not respected or met make you feel and how they cause you sometimes to act in an uncharacteristic way ❤ if they constantly don’t respect your boundaries then its sign they don’t value you and your boundaries ❤💌
Hell yeah! Give it to em!
I understand your point very well. Accurate.
This made me cry. It perfectly expressed everything i've felt in the past two days after ending things with a DA (I'm FA) after a tumultuous two years and No Contact imposed by him for months followed by empty words and "amends". Thank you so much. This gave me all the answers to my doubts.
sending you love and hope you’re doing better ❤️
It's true and as an FA dealing with a DA before the DA knows that she is acting childishly ,it takes a lot of time in trying to understand them and after trying hard to compromise with them finally the FA will burst to release the build up pain to the DA to let them know that something is not okey in this relationship
This explains so much.... he keeps saying that his boundaries are being violated when I ask him to communicate with me but I'm like but how else will we resolve this if we can't talk about how we both feel... frustrating af
Get out. Don't deal with crazy. At the very least, a person should be able to articulate their needs. If they can't, you gotta go. It hurts me to say that because that would likely get me dumped as well but hell. There are too many people in the world to deal with traumatized individuals as relationship partners. Is that how I would want my child to act?
Wow 90 days to security? It took me a decade in therapy to get to the point today where I feel like maybe I can address my fearful avoidant behavior. LOL
It works. Therapy is helpful but doesn't actually DO anything. I go to therapy and we talk about things but i learned what my wounds were, what i needed, and how to adopt healthy behaviors from her Program.
I am not secure yet but that is because I half way did it. I'm still battling my inner child. The disorganized attachment trauma itself stands in the way of me really wanting to heal. It's really crazy. But what I did learn IMMEDIATELY was how to understand my behavior, change them, and how to do the right things.
I can attest that all these protests are correct 🙋🏾♂️
I’m about to end it with my fa. I just can’t do it anymore. I tell him how he makes me feel & he says nothing. I ask why he hasn’t done things he promised he would & he says nothing. He tells me he loves me & that’s it.
Mine tells me he loves me and nothing else too. I asked him if he could share anything about what's going on with him yesterday and he still hasn't answered. I'm not taking it as personally anymore, now that I understand better. I genuinely want to know what I should do, if he wants me to stick around or if that's making it harder for him. He's in therapy, or was, but I don't know if they're talking about this type of stuff. I have no idea what's going on with him. I don't want to end it, but if we're not talking or seeing each other, isn't it over anyway? We haven't had a falling out that I know of, he just slowly retreated into himself, I know he tried not to, but now the gate is locked up tight and he doesn't let me in at all anymore. It hurts and I miss him.
They sound like DAs, not FAs.
@@julesD0222 I wanted to say the same thing. :)
My FA won't even tell me she loves me.
So at least u got that.
Man, as someone with pure OCD and a Fearful Avoident attachment strategy it only made my exs lieing and cheating mentality even more intense. That relationship really was dead on arrival.
Hi Thais, As an FA, I usually wake up from sleep with strong emotions. It's like I can really feel all my subconscious wounds when I wake up. I usually meditate and reprogram to minimize the pain. However what can i do to prevent this from happening?
im struggling with this too
Omg me too!!!
It’s like I’ve woken up in the wrong life and I need to acclimate to my reality.
Years of not being allowed needs, your own identity, safety, love and support. Then one day you’re 22 and you feel like shit I am so behind on being me. I’m just getting started :(
@florence Ofori you’re not alone with this angel
I do too. I also have panic attacks in my sleep and occasionally sleep walk. I usually wake up at 430am and the mind chatter begins and a depression arises
Then I get up around 630 and go about my day as if nothing happened. This pattern repeats daily.
wow, this was beautiful and so articulate!
I’m so glad I found this channel 🙏🏼
*sobbing* thank you for your work and your compassion
This is amazing and so helpful. Thank you so much 💚💙
Excited for the protest behavior of other attachment styles as well.
Thank you so much for the validation and explanation. I transcribed this entire video because it made so much sense to me. 🥰
Wow I feel so seen and understood watching this video! Thank you for sharing this content. You and your work are a blessing 🙏🏻💜
Thank you so much for this video. I’m fearful avoidant and you described exactly how I feel!
This channel is such an amazing contribution. I'm in awe of what Thais has built, and what a deep repertoire of robust, incisive content she has created and made available. I'm so appreciative that I found it. Thank you!
This video was fascinating! Im not a FA but someone in my family is. Theyre behavior makes so much more sense now. Hopefully I can help them feel safe and understood when these protest behaviors come up.
This called me out 😳
I BLESS YOUR LIFE AND ALL THE STEPS YOU TOOK THAT GOT YOU INTO THIS PLACE OF COMPASSION AND WISDOM, THANK YOU FOR SHARING! GREETINGS FROM ONE OF YOUR FA FOLLOWERS FROM MEXICO!
Thank you so much for the content, Thais. I wish I had found you sooner. I thought I had become narcissistic after my ex-wife. But really I was just acting out as an FA from a place of hurt and distrust. All the information you have gives me hope that I can truly heal.
Also an FA, I also suspected I am a narc after my break up with my DA ex. Particularly because of the spitefullness
I feel it's important that avoidants realize ultimately end up in you making your partner feel like they are being verbally and emotionally abused. I've been hit by an ex before, but when I dated an FA, honestly I came out feeling like I had PTSD after having been through a war. My self esteem was just a wreck. Idk what's more toxic, dating a narcissist or an avoidant. I've watched tons of videos about avoidants. I rarely see it stated that really they're not going to have a great relationship that they want unless they heal themselves and go to therapy. There is no way I would consider getting involved with one of these people ever again without intense treatment. They are as toxic as narcissists
@@Cat_Lady no he is definitely not a dismissive. He has anxious tendencies too.
I' m sorry this happend to you Dawn i really am. Verbally and emotionally abuse is a big nono in my book. The difference between a narcissist and a FA is much greater than you might think....a narcissist can not change because he/ she is usually not aware their are narcissistt and have low empathy at least thats what i learned when i submerge myself in this topic. An FA can be aware when their communicating out of their ' core wound' and display this type of behaviour and they centainly do have empathy'. I am an FA myself leaning alot to a secure style but still when i'm tired or stressed out still a fearfull avoidant. My partner of 32 years is an secure attachment and i can say yes sometimes i can be harsh with my words but not cruel. I know the difference between the two because i see what my words do with the other person i do realize when something is toxic because of empathy. An narcissist simply doesn't care about your feelings at all and thats the difference in my humble opinion. Your post was written 8 months ago so I do hope that with time you did heal from this experience with this person.
You and me both mate
1. Being harsh with words, expressing anger
Root = lack of boundary, unknowing how to communicate
2. Having spiteful behavior so the other will feel what you feel
Root = needing to be understood, emotional connection
3. Flip-flopping from hot to cold because wounds are being touched
4. Avoiding expressing how you truly feel
5. Avoiding expressing what you truly need in this situation
6. Acting with contempt
7. Emotional volatility
Thank you ❤️
I have been listening to these videos - specifically on fearful avoidant attachment and just want to say I appreciate the content so much.
OMG I'm so grateful I found this channel. My FA's behaviours had gotten so upsetting for me I recently moved out. And it was so upsetting because I can see his distress shortly after lashing out, and also I couldn't understand what I was doing to trigger him. We're trying to repair the relationship. This info is like a roadmap.
I'm a FA and it's so hard living like this. Everything can be going amazing in a relationship and something as small as a word can trigger me and then I tailspin. I hate it. She said it perfectly when she mentioned that both our anxious side and our avoidant side have wounds that can be triggered. I recently had a deep conversation with my DA about things that trigger us from our past and we were doing fine before this, but naturally the next day I picked up on one thing that was said and now I've been silent for a few days. I'm not stonewalling or purposely being mean. I'm actually trying to protect him from me having an emotional outburst and me abandoning him again. I have to sort these emotions out myself. Thank you for being patient with your FA. We're an absolute mess sometimes, but want to be nothing but loving to our partners. 💗
6:17 So right Thais! This is exactly what I started doing when verbal communication was no longer possible or effective.
I'm so in a way happy to find out this is my issue
Thank you Thais ! Just in time for me. I was crucifying my self the past few days for doing some of the behaviours explained here. As a pds member i knew better now... How to deal. But i still was somewhat lost why i behaved for someone important for me 3 days ago. Now i know why. And what i need to do better. So thank you. For the 1000 time ...
You're always welcome (hugs)
-PDS team member
Very good information
Damn, this is a great one.
WOW, bang on describes my current partner. Super helpful to understand WHY behind the spiteful behavior / harsh treatments whenever I try to connect (Secure / AP style). It's pretty sad that I have this big space for her in my heart (to let her express herself RESPECTFULLY, to validate her, to forgive her, etc) but she doesn't see it or embrace it! If she expressed herself as you do Thais, our relationship would completely UPGRADE.
Unfortunately we have a hard time believing in the sincerity of a person and the harder they try the more it will make us feel like they are tying to undermine our feelings. When you say the actual words “respect” to us, it is very suspect like you are trying to be manipulative because it is a “buzz word”. There is a difference between being and feeling!
Sounds like you’re trying to fix the partner and saying you’d like to have a relationship with them if they were different.
Perhaps part ways and they can seek their own therapy
Great video wowwwww ❤️❤️❤️
Ooh my partner does these, expect acting with contempt and flip-flopping. We both are not used to expressing how we truly feel for different reasons. He got used to his needs not being met so why even ask? I was afraid to get the disapproval of my caregivers. It makes us feel so vulnerable 😭
Lmao... two crazy peas in a pod😂😂😂
@@ineedhoez Totally! I have to say though, it has gotten better already
Thank you 😊❤️💜
this is so underrated
every video i watch of yours is new information that i’m taking down for some techniques on how to manage this. i really appreciate the work you’ve done around fearful avoidance.
this seems to be a different framing of BPD. with the stigma that comes with BPD, i believe this type of framing is necessary in order to heal and it would be nice if the dsm would follow suit here
My entire breakup felt like protest behaviour, everything about it.. She even asked me to tell her what doesn't work for her. I was in such a shock even if I had known her exact reasoning I didn't stand a chance. I felt cheated to be asked this and then it being used to reinforce the decision.
Certainly not the moment for clarity of thought.
The short replies I got afterwards were pure spite and none of my attempts to resolve were any good. I know you were talking about relationship situations but it's not clear cut. I feel like she's trying to punish me for not being able to mind read. Basically she's not leaving me a chance.
And while I might understand why she does it I can't accept this behaviour... it's quite immature and unfair to someone who cares about you. Self preservation has kicked in and even though I'm somewhere between secure and anxious my breakpoint has been reached.
I have yet to see any effort on her part, it's like I'm the one to blame for everything. Somehow I've managed to heal through all this and come to accept the situation.
@@ruckusrevolution9475 unless by asking questions to understand them better, they feel personally attacked as though they are being "questioned" instead. :(
One other idea, in case you want to know: First, give the list of signs, then circle back around to develop each idea. Basically tell people what you're going to tell them, then tell them in depth, then wrap up by summarizing what you told them. This list is given 3 times. I feel your concern, and your presence is very warm. The information is too slow to come out.
I am fearful avoidant and when it comes to intimacy, I can only reach physical climax if my partner closes their eyes and turns their head away from me so that I do not feel shame. If they see me or if I *think they see me when reach physical climax I feel shame and will never speak to them again.
Why do FAs have a lot of shame?
Avoiding expressing what you truly need. Well, maybe that's because I constantly question what I truly need. If I start asserting too many of my desires as "needs" isn't that a slippery slope? What if I cross the line and get too demanding? What right do I have to saddle anyone else with a long laundry list?
I feel the same way
Oh yea not to mention having relationship OCD, it can make you come up with fears and doubts that make you think you want/need something that isn't necessarily true..
This is where learning to self soothe and meeting and mastering your own needs come into play. Your partner can help but they aren't a therapist and the only person who can "fix" you, is technically, Y-O-U!!!!
Another thing that I found was that if you actually go through her course and look at your core wounds and reprogram them, a lot of the behaviors fall to the wayside. When I was looking at what I needed in a relationship, I thought I needed all of these things but in reality it boiled down to 5 or so major traits. I need someone who can communicate, I need someone who understands their emotions and can articulate their needs. I need someone who is stable. I need someone that I can anchor into.
Having that type of person is incredibly reassuring and it won't trigger me to act and behave in all of these maladaptive ways. Basically, once I feel safe, I can just be.
For me it seems like FAs have a high potential to have a Borderline Disorder? Those characteristics shown here fit a lot to Borderline as well..
Check out her video comparing fearful avoidants and borderline!
I find DA's can be narcissistic in times of conflict
I have FA attachement style (well a mix as all us). I did recognize myself quite a bit in her video and I am clearly not borderline. So no, I don't think they are overlapped.
@@arxsyn indeed. DA's seem to overlap with Narcs and FA's with BPD
Secure learning how to deal with my FA
Omg this is so true!
I feel SO EXPOSED. AH. THE GOOSEBUMPS
When we EXPRESS OURSELVES AND ARE REJECTED through the silent treatment or yelling, do we leave?
Some times you tell the person how you feel. You share your boundaries and THEY STILL dont listen n hear you. Finally youve had enough.
You know this is about you when you complete Thais’ every sentence ahead of time 😂
Reminds me at the extreme narcissistic rage- and harsh judgment of others. The old term was disorganized if I remember?
This woman is magnificent.
Question: what about Reactive Attachment Disorder? Where does it fall?
So, here's a huge problem I've got: I have severe, chronic ptsd from abuse. I did over a year of trauma therapy and that helped, but it wasn't enough. I am, however, extremely good at telling people what my triggers are, how they came to be, why I need consideration involving those things (nuclear example: silence without warning), etc. And I really push myself to express those things explicitly, even when I'm feeling extremely triggered in the moment from fearing punishment for expressing my needs. The problem is, it doesn't seem to matter how explicit I am about these things. People consistently overlook what I've said. I know part of it is that because I'm not outwardly displaying distress when I say these things, but if I'm displaying distress that's because I've already got to meltdown stages and I try to avoid that because it is physically painful for me. I don't understand how I can change this, because I can't change people, can't make them listen, and can't give them the frame of reference of the extent of my abuse so they understand just how incredibly important it is when I say "hey, I cannot under any circumstances tolerate that specific behavior because it's extremely hurtful and triggering to me." Because I do say that and people turn around and go silent without warning anyway, and then are somehow surprised that I went nuclear over it, after I've said multiple times that I can't handle that. It's maddening and I feel gaslit all the time because no matter what I say, people don't see or understand me, even when for all intents and purposes they seem to want to. I don't know what to do to fix that.
Have you ever tried EFT? It’s helpful for controlling your emotions when you’re super upset. Especially as a way to calm down when you’re feeling angry or out of control
@@landy952 I've been through over a year of emdr. Honestly though I don't see why I should have to take it all on myself. People should be able to honor basic boundaries and not push me there to begin with. I'm not making unreasonable requests here.
@@lyciumchld I see what you’re saying but the thing is about boundaries is it’s up to us to set them and be emotionally stable enough to mean it. I struggled for a long time with boundaries myself and always dated shitty people. I always let my standards and boundaries down and then I would feel super resentful. It’s one of those things where the right person will respect it and if not you just move on
@@landy952 I did leave.
@@landy952 Like, I appreciate that you are well meaning, but the assumption that I'm not enforcing is irksome, because I actually put a great deal of effort into that. The problem is how others treat me, not my inability to control trauma triggers. I over communicate to prevent that and they don't listen. I say I'm upset and they don't listen. No amount of enforcement will make them listen and I'm tired to death of having my only option be to settle for shitty treatment or isolate myself. That isn't how it's supposed to be. I can't be the only one putting in any effort here.
Skip to 2:00 for the content. or 2:20 for the list starting with #1
Where might telling someone (loudly) to find their balls?? 🤣😂 I can laugh now - and it is funny - and sometimes people DO need to "find their balls" - but regardless, I'm assuming that's a combo of all the Four Horseman! But seriously, everything described is me. The perplexing part for me, however, is that I don't initially respond to feeling triggered like this. I usually prefer to calmly explain to someone that I'm feeling hurt and want time alone before communicating about it. It's when people keep pushing me to talk that I explode 💣💣💣💥 So can someone be secure or dismissive UNLESS they are pushed into a more fearful fight response? 🤔
Is there a video on internal vs external FA's?
I am anxious preoccupied with a fearful avoidant raised by a dismissive avoidant
Starts at 1:57
How do I improve emotional self regulation?
Hi Thais, I've been meaning to ask, how do I reach you if I would like to join your team as an associate coach?
I wish I had seen this ten years ago😓
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Is it too soon to tell someone they’ve upset you and make you feel like they don’t care, if, for example, someone says they’re going to plan a first date (you never met them before and this would be the first time meeting in person) and call you at a designated time to tell you when the date is, and then they don’t? Is it too soon to tell them they’ve triggered my fear of rejection when they don’t follow through?
Everytime I tell men these things they tell me I’m expecting too much from them, but I feel I’m not expecting much at all. Following through is the bare minimum imo. If you say you’ll call for a date and then don’t, then of course that would upset me. I keep meeting men who make me feel bad for expressing how their terrible actions hurt me.
Doing the work on yourself overtime will help you/your emotions not to become deregulated by outside factors (for example, someone not calling when they said they would). It will also help strengthen your relationship to yourself and your needs/desires :)
Since y'all haven't seen eachother before and have only recently begun talking, I would give the person a free pass. Because absolutely anything could have happened that got in the way of them calling you, or perhaps they are simply a player (or someone who's actually not interested in building a connection/relationship) and this is your first red flag to note.
When they do contact you again, you could say "Hey, I noticed you didn't call the other day to arrange our date. Is this something youre still interested in doing? :)" This will let them know that you take them and yourself seriously (and value integrity), and it keeps the door open for him to explain why he didn't call, to possibly appoligise and reshedual. There's no need, at this stage, to tell him that your feelings were hurt.
Maintain your boundaries, raise your standards and keep doing the work on your attachment healing :)
If he resheduales with you again and doesn't call when he said he would, then you walk away :)
Definitely don’t tell someone you’ve never met, that they hurt you. During the dating phase you meet all kinds of people. It’s your job to set healthy boundaries and weed them out. If someone doesn’t follow through, and there has been no family emergency etc., it simply means that they’re not interested, they’re playing the field. You can choose to call them out on it, but you don’t have to tell them you’re triggered.
@@SK-no2pp Why does seemingly every guy seem to be this way? It’s infuriating! I’ve been on OkCupid on and off for years and most men just don’t put in the effort and get upset when you tell them that them saying they’ll make plans but not following through shows that they’re not interested.
@@georgieeve2026 I think that’s a good option. I might be expecting too much too soon.
@@thehapagirl92 yes likely.
The need for understanding.. How in the world do you get that met 🤒
1:57
OK well then how do we know if expressing our needs is just giving them ammo to use against us later as punishment or something along those lines?
Can you please do a video on how to deal with all of these beacuse i am with FA and i know why beacuse i dont know how to deal with these
WIth You - Linkin Park.... Is that where the code came from? "No matter how far I've come, I can't wait to see tomorrow, with you, you, now I see, keeping everything inside, with you, you now I see, even when I close my eyes"
Question, in a platonic friendship dynamic what if the spiteful protest behavior happens (like you said, bc they don't feel understood and want you to feel what they feel). But the thing they want you to understand is that you are their emotional punching bag. What do you do when someone genuinely feels the way they feel but the root of it is misplaced anger/emotions.
You set the boundary. I will not be in a relationship with someone who emotionally abuses me. It then becomes up to that person to fix their crap and not engage in those behaviors. If they continue, then you have to enforce your boundaries
I'm sad to have ruin a friendship due to this behavior =( but at least I now understand
As an FA, how do I find the root reasons of why it happens? How can i find out where it comes from so that i can change it?
I’m watching this like daaaaaaamn… I thought I was AA, but I’m an FA. Damn.
so how does spiteful compare with passive aggressive? (Fearful avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant)
Im struggling to recognize what my part is in my current relationship. I always want to communicate with my partner but he shuts me down at every turn. I know we are not emotionally compatible and my gut says give him up now but I'm not able to at this moment. However, I'm constantly suffering because I cannot get him to give me what I want. I just don't understand why he continues to stick around if my constant request for him to give me what he clearly cannot give bugs him so much. HELP!! I have no idea where to start with myself.
Im in the same situation! I think he's dismissive
Christine, my therapist has recommended Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Anger" and only 3 chapters in, it's blowing my mind in terms of explaining relationship dynamics, old and well-established patterns, shifting the pattern and mindset, understanding your role, etc. I'd really recommend it with. Even as you look at the chapter titles you'll probably see how relevant some of it would be. It covers romantic relationships, froend and family dynamics, self work, etc. I hope this helps and I totally empathize.
I agree he might be a Dismissive Avoidant (DA).
Hyper Focus on self care and treating yourself the way you would treat someone you loved and who you knew deserved to be valued.
Was with a DA for a long time and it will eff you up and waste your life energy.
Do FA’s more than other insecurely attached individuals, have a more difficult time making it past the first date?
I’m FA and I have a more difficult time actually making it TO the first date lol
@@kaceoa aww well that gets better , that I promise
@@kaceoa me too i hate dating and will only go with someone i already know (from something) that way i can relax and get to know them gradually with no pressure. Its great!
❤️
100%
Blocking someone?
So how would an AP try and fix these protests with their partner?
Selfwork is the highest dharma
Know that trying to fix behaviors of an FA is going to push them away -an FA
Realize that you cannot fix the other person and the fact that you’re trying to is a problem in itself
Hot and cold. They are just not interested 🤨
Immature behavior
Your personal ad takes too long. A first time visitor will NOPE out of this quickly.