NARCISSIST'S DISCARD PHASE: What to Expect and What to Do Next
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 พ.ย. 2020
- If you're with a narcissist, the discard phase is inevitable. Narcissists go through phases and the discard is what we might call the end. If you've been through the phases of a narcissistic relationship, this video may help you understand the narcissist's discard phase. We'll discuss what to expect, how to prepare and what to do next. And for any of you who may have discarded the narcissist, I have something for you too.
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As always, I share my personal experience and how I and so many others have seen the signs of narcissism present in interpersonal relationships. If you feel you need therapy, please seek the help of a licensed professional who you feel you can trust.
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How to Heal After the Discard • The Narcissist's Final...
✅ Ready to MOVE ON from the Narcissist for good?
Get the support you need to break the trauma bond and get your life back here: www.commonego.com/the-breakth...
💻 Need a licensed therapist? 💻
----------------------------------------------------
I've partnered with BetterHelp, an affordable online therapy portal where you can get matched with a licensed counselor who specializes in abuse and trauma. Get a 10% discount on your first month when you signup with this link: betterhelp.com/commonego
I receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp, but please know that I only recommend services I know and trust.**
*In this video, I share the tips, techniques and insights that have worked for me in my own journey of healing after narcissistic abuse along with expert tips and tools I've learned through years of coaching narcissistic abuse survivors. I am not a therapist and this video is not meant to provide therapy of any form. #narcissist #covertnarcissist
Thanks for watching! If you have any tips to help heal after the discard, feel free to drop them here 👇 you may just help someone who is going through it now
Dear Christina,
Thank you so much for all your videos ❤️ I have experienced exactly what you are telling in all of your videos 😳
After 7 years, I moved out of his house, and for almost 2 years I was going back every time he asked me to come by, but every time I came back he became more and more brutal!!
The last time he invited me up to talk, (we had dinner) he suddenly became very upset with me over nothing!?? He threw me out! (again)
3 weeks later he announced a new girlfriend on social media (by the way, I am dark, she is blonde😉)!
Haven’t been in contact with him since, and I blocked him on Facebook.
All you are saying, is exactly what I have experienced... I believed he was my soulmate.
Today I know differently!!! Thank you 🙏🏻 when I feel sad I always listen to you, you are fantastic!!!🙌🏼
Hey Christina, you've been a huge lifesaver for me. I've been silently tuning in for sometime now and I just want to tell you your doing an amazing job! You make things so easy to understand. Many light bulb moments ive had listening to you. Anyway thank you so much❤
When you begin to recognize the signs, the red flags of the Narcissists. Do Not stand by and wait for the discard ( because it is definitely coming). Break up with them immediately. Remove them from your life.
If it's a marriage, it is best to begin divorce paperwork and move out, because trust and believe things will get worse if you wait around for them to "change" they don't.
you really should offer one on one coaching
Christina, do you have a video of how does someone become a narcissist? If you don't could you make one. I am curious as to how an adult becomes a narcissist. What are some things that lead to this type of behavior. I am dealing with actually a female narcissist. I just wonder.....what in the world made her become one?
When my Narcissist dumped me, I took a piece of paper and listed all of his bad points, character flaws, etc. When I finished, I was surprised at just how much I had listed. Then I took a calendar and plotted out all the times/dates he was unavailable, dates of silent treatments, notable events (arguments, cruel statements, etc) and observations. My jaw dropped when I saw the cycle and pattern of lovebombing, devaluation, and abandonment. Any/every time I became wistful and started missing him--or "who" I thought he was-I was brought up short by the black-and-white truth of my written observations. Hope this helps any person new to the concept/reality of narcissistic abuse; it certainly gave me some much-needed clarity when I was at my weakest.
That is brilliant, I wish I would have thought of that. 💖
Excellent idea.
I love both your work and your reply thank you both for this
Thank you for this, I have just done the same, made a list of negatives and positives. I found 4 positive things and pages of negatives. Wow I never realised either, very good exercise to do.
Putting it on paper is always really helpful. I remember writing out 'what i do & what he does' in the relationship, especially chores & finances. On that list, i had some twenty pages & he had a half page.
This year was the 5th discard after 6yrs of hell. This time I know his game. He has tried to hoover, but it didn't work. Im moving on. Got a new job that I love. New friends from work. Im finding the new me and I love her
6 yrs me too, i know it
@@DavidThompson892 It's very draining, but gets so much better! I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted after that last discard. I am so much happier now that I'm living my life!
@@DavidThompson892 I did 13 years. Since 2008. Got discarded in April so 4 months no contact blocked her on fb bc I'm not playing that oooh look at me game.
Not a peep or anything. She moved in w her family so I'm assuming plenty of fuel there to look this way. Sucks bc I wasted 13 yrs that's 30% of my life man. Just for it to go up in smoke. No bed, no car, no washer n dryer, no fridge and to be petty took the shower curtain..
@@DavidThompson892 eh I think she's getting her supply from the family and the 3 toxic women she works with. They're all in man hater mode and just.. Wow. This lock down we went thriugh seemed to expose alot of them. Lots of stories all at once all pretty much saying the sme thing. It's like someone hit a huge split up button. Very odd
I hope I can find work
I feel like I have brain damage from the experience. I don’t understand why I always forget how horrible they can be until they do it again. Thanks for this video and all the information.
I’ve read some sad, crazy and even funny comments on Narc videos but yours takes the cake. I like you! Get away from the Narc sweetheart. Nothing good can come from them! Trust me
It's called denial.
It’s because your normal empathetic brain cannot compute another person acting the way that they act and doing the things that they do to another human being. It’s not you it’s just that they are not normal.
❤@@col2959
I know I got brain damage fr
An important tip; it's not about you it's about them. Self-worth, self-doubt, and confusion will result, To know it's all about them and they would do the same to anyone certainly helps deal with the pain.
Great tip, Richard. Thank you for sharing 🙏❤
It's funny, I discarded him. Then he turned it around and said he was "done with my crazy ass." Like it was his decision. He always has to have the last word and feel like he has the upper hand. At the time I had no idea he was a narcissist, but all the red flags were there!
That sounds about right... like they were doing you a favor by being with you. Keep up with that forward motion! ❤🙏
Going through this right now... I hurt so bad. I am sure I am trauma bonded but I cant deal with this pain....
Mine did it exactly like this too!!! Haha
@@d3402 hang in there, you are not alone! This is only one out of 3 times I dated this guy. These people are pathetic, empty shells with nothing to offer anyone. And they do hoover. Be strong and move on to bigger and better things, that is the best revenge!!
Yes I know what you mean I was responding to him
On a text and he goes blocked like he needs to block me?! I didn’t do anything but live his sorry excuse for a man!
Who cares who says what and who discards who....praise God you took out the trash you locked the doors and you closed the windows and you’re moving on with your amazing life with the help of God Almighty amen
As long as you don't look back, I'm with you 😉🙏
@@CommonEgo Once this ship leaves dock....it's Ciao for good. The narc underestimates the strength of the empath once we are onto them
@@NarcissismExposed YES YES YES, I said idc who you tell what, as long as it's over!!! Bye!! Thank God for REAL Love and removing things that don't serve us!! ✌🏾🙏🏾
Amen 😊
amen 🙏🏽
That is so true, 12 year marriage the way she left me was absolutely incredible, she led me to believe everything was fine until the very end..no sympathy no remorse no closure..I had to look into my self and heal, now I realize it's a blessing from God that he took this person away from my life.
Bless you for giving reverence to our Lord for bringing you out of a painful destruction.
YES!!!! Even as Christians we need to understand that God removes people just like he brings them!!! And that needs to be ok. The lord giveth and take the away. Trust him 😇💪🏻
Yup, same thing happened to me. I couldn't believe the cruelty the second time around - the first time there was still "I will always love you" shit...second time it was like you're nothing.
I know I am late in response but my goodness this is 100% true, just happened just discovered this channel.
Same here it is beyond heartbreaking
I was told he could care less if I went and s*cked someones d*ck...I was devestated as I'm 57 years old and I really was under the impression we were made for each other. Two years 24/7 together no fight. I had to kick him out cause he couldn't NOT talk to my son when he was on crack..and my son was having seizures..I thought he would come back and apologize...but instead he hoovered...had me believing I was his life..then I caught him with someone else...they suck
@@TheMisssy2 so sorry this happened to you
I got a text saying " it's not working out for us were finished ...bye " after her telling me she was looking forward to the next 12 months together......... never came back
Damn! you actually was told.
He said he didn't want to lose me, I am the love of his life, he will do what it takes to change as a husband and I said I wanted us to get therapy cause his abuse has taken a toll, and the marriage is out of control, and he shouted and bailed and didn't speak to me again basically discarded me without saying it, but what he didn't know is that I noticed the patterns months ago and know that he does it for some secret reason which I believe there is someone he is grooming which is why he has been showing signs of living more single...etc. he only stopped the discards if I had money to spend on him or a big event he felt obligated to take me to, and I realized it months ago. I am leaving now.
@@ladybird491 gurrrrrl, good for you!! I am going/growing through this meow!! ..
🙏🏼❤
You're absolutely right that every time you take them back the next discard is worse (especially if you discarded them first). It's all about control and their ego cannot handle not being the one to dump you first.
I didn't gave him a chance. I already feel his vibe and discarded him first, and when he try to hoover another time I go to no contact. Just trust your intuition
Oh he gave me closure. Said I was the problem & that's why it's over! 😂😂
I discarded him snd he hoovered me. I didn’t fall for it. I knew the only reason he wanted me back was to devalue and discard me. They need control. They think how dare you discard me - I do the discarding. He’s a POS.
So true.
And your pretty hot! His loss!
Video is spot on! Discard that Narc and everyone/everything associated with them. If you allow them back after a discard.... that next discard (and there will be a next) will be one of the most hurtful, revengeful, diabolical things you ever experience.
I am going through that 'brutal' discard....he got me arrested for a slap round the face, ( becauseI i had had enough of his contempt and cruelty )...after knowing full well that a time spent in a confined space would near enough half kill me..
I was love bombed, devalued, and discarded for almost 17 years (from a covert narc). The writing on the wall thing was absolutely correct in my case, pay attention. I didn't have the language to describe it at the time, but after the final discard, I figured it all out through my therapist and the narc education community on TH-cam. That final discard was brutal, but in the end the best thing that happened to me. If this is happening to you, or been discarded and you are trying to "figure out" what happened, keep learning. Go to therapy! Heal! You got this. Thanks for these videos.
Wow this is exactly my life, married for 17 yrs, constantly felt like there was something wrong with me, I could sense the contempt towards me yet was made to believe it was in my head, I used to say that it was like living with a sword over my head which could come down on me at any moment, any form of discussion of the marriage and my unhappiness was met with, tears, you think I’m a terrible person, if I kept pushing then rage and silent treatment until I apologised. 2.5 yrs post separation I’ve found a peace that I didn’t know was possible and the constant knot in my stomach is gone.
My kids say that I am no longer “angry dad” I find it easy to love and care for those around me.
A relationship with a covert narc will make you feel like you are the problem, a long term relationship and you start behaving like one because they have taken so much of your emotional energy, spend some time alone, read, learn, go to therapy and your true nature will appear.
Awesome and well-stated!.... I am working on it now for myslef.. the only way I can handle it is to pretend (and I loathe anything but the truth, so this is REALLY hard for me) bc I cannot let him know my plans. I need to execute when I can and go no contact. Moving to another state is helping me also ... 🤗
Or just watch TH-cam videos if you can't afford a shrink. Like "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" totally. (Not that I wasn't gun shyfor a decade or two myself)
It all sounds the same! Me tooooo!!! Horrible experience and still healing but am at a place of total gratitude for the education I opened myself up to. I am an expert! Hahahaha. So glad you are free.
@mobinpatel9451 I'm fucking crying reading this man. Thank you. Same here, 17 years and I'm now the enemy and I didn't do anything to deserve it and I'm pretty hurt and lost right now, it really helps to know I'm not alone
Going through the discard phase now. He told me today, completely random, that I'm single now. After 8 years. Were done. I'm not as sad as I thought I would be, that or it hasn't really hit me yet. He's been devaluing me though. He sets a obnoxiously high standard of hisself though and truly hes a horribly mean and cruel and heartless person.
I'm so so so so sick of all this anxiety. I literally am to the point I sit having palpitations everyday almost all day. Its insane really.
How are you doing now?
Funny what we do when we love the wrong person. I had to get medicated to deal with my husband.
I’m so sorry. I have gone through the most painful parts of the devalue and discard, but it still stuns me to see it done to other people.
I hope you are doing better. My ex gave me panic attacks. I had no idea what they were. I was only 22 years old when they started
I feel your pain all I can say is worry about you and self heal yourself and not spend any time worrying about them
I'm in the discard. I said something that I knew was going to really piss him off but wasn't expecting the discard. I hurt his ego. I knew it might happen. It's happened before but I was not expecting the pain I'm feeling. It was sudden. It's good it happened but he went silent.
I'm not chasing him but damn it hurts so bad.
I got discarded after 5 months with a narcissist. I basically got ghosted, she stopped responding to my texts and calls and I found out through mutual friends she was on to the next supply. What shocked me was how sudden and emotionless the discard was. Through simple conditioning she could have at least PRETENDED she cared and could have given me the courtesy of some closure. To her I wasn't even worth a 5 min awkward phone call. Hell I would've even accepted a text message. This was someone who a week earlier was constantly talking about the amazing trips we should take together and would constantly be saying "I love you", "I miss you", etc.
Literally exactly what I’m going thiugh right now. We were talking for 5 months. Discsarded me out of no where. During a normal text convo and same thing talking about going away together again just the next day. Suddenly no response for a few hours. Til this day. Never heard from him again. Over a month now. Blocked me on everything. I gave him thousands and thousands of dollars. Did so much for him. He crashed my brand new car during our time together. Got in a police chase. Never once asked me how I was, the car, nothing. Just spoke like it was another day. Ghosted me 2 days after I sent him $300. Never spoke again and I know he’s on to the next supply. I always say he to myself how he could’ve just faked it. I’m grieving. The love bombing was EUPHORIC. But they’re just so…. Emotionally abusive. I cry like a baby daily. And I mean I BAWL. And I know how toxic he is for me but I can’t help it. I truly fell for this person. Im hurting like I never hurt in my life.
5 months? Jesus all that time really
@@LizBeLike_How are you doing now? Better I hope!
Sorry my friend..just had the same..they have no feelings and lie constantly...and move on.. they don't care for you ....we've had a lucky escape tbh..😔
Hi,
Your experience sounds very similar to mine with a few differences. How do I know if she is a narcissist or if it really was just my fault she left after 2 months ? Help please :)
The discard is the best Stage ever because it gives you an opportunity to bolt. What you do is you never read any more of their messages or answer any more phone calls. You preemptively end the relationship and take the power at that moment. If you are going to read their messages or emails or answer the phone, then you are still hooked and trapped and addicted to somebody that is a mannequin
Can confirm. Three times we tried again, but this time I saw the red flags, he was gradually building to another discard by making me walk on eggshells, in case I said the wrong thing ( like reminding him of dealing with an important letter etc) and wham! Suddenly it changed from “ I love you” to “ We are done” literally from minute to the next because I tried to be helpful reminding of an important matter to deal with …so I dropped him like a hot potato immediately, blocked every communion and there’s no going back this time. I am done .
“Under no uncertain terms they will let you know that they are done with you.” I lived every moment this video discussed . Now i know
this video made me cry. i am still in complete and utter shock from my discard... and this felt good to hear, thank you
Me too honey I just can’t believe it
Hey just wondering how you are getting on a year later?
I totally agree I was in relationship for 26 years with children and I was blind sided
Devaluation happens in the moment - event by event.
>> On some otherwise truly *perfect day together* ... they will seemingly self- sabotage and poison the event with some inconceivable, unwarranted, unnecessary, and un-normal toxic objection, accusation or fabricated conflict. Don't expect them to respond to reason or be willing to concede that their view is actually causing the problem. They won't. And they won;t get any better in time. - You have to end it; and find someone better. You deserve it.
So true...when I look back, I was constantly trying to justify some errant word or unkind observation...always very subtle, insidious. These people are dangerous because you begin to doubt your own sensibilities. If it feels wrong, it’s wrong. You are right, they don’t change, they can’t.
@@alicejenkinsmail so scary!! I thought I was insane. Been three days and I literally feel sick watching these videos.
Omg! This just happened a few days ago. I told him to get out of my house.
Ah that's why I couldn't say the phrase "good day"
@@alicejenkinsmail yeah
She discarded me when I tested her and withhold my "supply" because I was really noticing the signs. And sure enough, she impulsively said she is done... and yes, I was right again there's already another supply waiting. It sucks 5 yrs rel went down the drain. I should've listened to my friends and fam who picked up on her habits. Before that, I was always the one chasing her and giving chances because I always thought it was my fault smh. Now after research I realized how I've really done everything I could and how I was victim shamed and gaslighted/manipulated that the issue isn't me at all but her. Really tricky one is the covert type though.
After the narcissist discard listen to the song by Gloria Gaynor titled " I Will Survive". Good inspiration.
When you escape a narcissist you cause a narcissistic injury. If you come back they have to hurt you with a vengeance because you don’t have the right to do that. HG Tudor says, “once you know you go and you never go back”
Very true. Don't even look in the rear view mirror 🙏❤
Narcs are extremely revengeful.
>>😠😤🤬
True! Even tho the covert types may try to hide it 🙏❤
Even if you give them everything they want, (and somehow even know what it is they want) they're going to fault you for them running out of gas on their way to work or something. I wish you the best of luck with your situation, I know how difficult it can be. The smear campaign and abuse by proxy can be so overwhelming. Don't buy into the lies and don't waste your time trying to convince people. The ones that may fall away will be a waste of energy to maintain, and the less energy you invest convincing people the more rational you appear. I'm sure you know all or some of this, but just keep it in mind. It's easy to get lost in emotions with these sandbox tactics.
No confusion, second guessing and self doubt in any healthy relationship, and friendship. sure it's not perfect but again there is clarity.
My narc discarded me in a very interesting way. He cranked up the disrespect every 3 months to the point I left him. I know now that he done that on purpose so he had more time to cycle between other sources and to groom them. His way of discarding me was in mistreating me so badly that I couldn't take it anymore. And then he always came back like clockwork and hoovered me back in. And then once again the cycle began: 1st month - the perfect gentleman, nothing can go wrong. Second month- seems a bit bored by me, distanced, more lies, arguing. Third month- ridiculous statements, obvious lying to my face, disrespect, crazy making. Every time between discards he seen every woman he kept on demand during our relationship. He did that during dating also, but a bit less. He couldn't be as carefree 🙄
Same here, but I believe there is a woman he sees on and off, and I believe it may be his hair dresser or someone he see after he leaves the salon, cause after he see her he is cold, passive aggressive and discards me. H also gets really restless and distant and cold just be he says he is going to her house to get his hair done. I realized he has been a fake person all these years and tricked me and played me like a fool and now I am just leaving him to reap what he sowed.
This hits home! Things were good a few days, a week or so. Then ghosting for a months. Repeating this cycles. Good for me I have strong sense of self and kept my sanity.
Bingo this was my experience
Reverse discard
I was discarded 2 years ago and I have been struggling almost every day since then, because we had known each other for 10 years. That’s a long time to be attached to someone, then to be suddenly thrown away and ignored....
I was discarded 8 months ago after 27 years of marriage. He took all the money and the retirement plans. I've been fighting him in court but it's pretty hopeless. I think I'll just be thankful to have my sanity once this is all over
Oh my gosh, it’s so so sad 😞
I hope you are in a better place now🙏you are a worthy human, having emotional experiences. Time heals, my narc draw my close to God. I was headed supernaturally quickly .😊
Any update? How are you doing today after two years!
@@newyearseve8875 gradually accepting something I thought/hoped I’d never have to experience. The pain of it has worn off a bit but it has kind of made me numb to the idea of having feelings for someone again. If I meet someone who turns that around for me one day, great, but until then I’m just kind of in limbo.
When you relate so hard you need to take a bath to wash off all the memories 😂
i rather have the bath in bleach cause at least it removed scum and dirt tbh
I am taking a bath right now while listening to this video to wash away all memories immediately. 😂
A truth sayer hallelujah!!!
Hahaha😂right
I know this feeling too well
Wash that shittttt off lol
🤣🤣🤣
3am. Bad anxiety. Can't sleep. Took an anxiety pill and listening to your voice.
Thank You 🙏🏻
Going through discard right now with my 5 year narc. Took 4 years to realize what was happening and now that I know I was dealing with a narc this whole time and let myself get in so deep, I feel so stupid looking back at all signs and red flags. I have taken him back so many times each time felt even worse than the last. The discard this time feel like he just stuck a knife in my chest and twisted it. Only way I’m getting by is through prayer. I will be so happy when this pain is over and I am past this. This video is very helpful with understanding this whole process. Thanks for the knowledge.
My hubby narc of 16 years, shoved me and ran out the house with my cell phone in his discard, he got a 3.5 day sleep over in jail and an ankle monitor, he's been at his mom's for a month now, idiot. 🤦♀️
I'm going through this phase with him now. He's posted pics already on his socials. 100% making it clear he's been seeing or moving onto his next source.
the most painful experience of my adult life, even though i ended it after another one of his rages, he still made i seem like he was the victim and getting away from me, the gaslighting and the cruelty during that last phonecall left me broken and time isnt healing at all, its getting worse and worse for me.
I hope you're doing better
12 years I lived with this man and he broke up with me in a text message and said that I was hateful and I had drama issues when I said nothing there was no fights nothing it was totally out of the blue impulsive and I’m sure he’s going to be sorry but he ain’t coming back this time. I can tell you that.
How are you now?
@@aguynamedkevin8469 i’m still crying even though it’s been five weeks but it tells me that since he hasn’t even checked to see if I’m OK that this is the final discard
Hope you are pulling along.....
This was the best video I have watched so far. All of it exactly my life. Thank you. So glad I found you!!
Just been discarded over what seems like time and you make everything so much clearer.
Its funny how from being the “Not being able to live without you” to “I only need you sometimes when I dont have any other options”
These are the pure evil kinds of people who will fuck up your life real bad.If you were in a relationship with one,Oh dear I just worry you managed to survive the soul incarnating damage it brings.
My Narcissist was like one day I love you, now I hate you. I'm like make up your mind...🤦🏼♀️
Facts! Same here! Shit is just unbelievable. I didn’t even know people like this really existed
Christina I was the one who did the discard, because I really figured out she was a covert narcissist, but it's like when a narcissistic meets super empathy I put it out on front street and wasn't putting up with the bs it's like the way I was raised, I spotted a con artist and went completely no contact and ghosted her, I've blocked her on everything and I even moved out of a different town, I know I found my closure, and I did my research on narcissist, and I was spot on, great video, take care everyone.
I'm so glad to hear you've found closure. It's definitely not a bad thing to discard first as long as you don't make the mistake of taking them back (like in my own cautionary tale 🤦♀️)
@@CommonEgo I will never, I learned a very tough lesson, I never dreamed of the Jezebel spirit's, that's what there called in the bible, they are toxic demons, satan can't get us so he sends them narcissist our way.
Found your videos after trying to understand why my husband uses the silent treatment on me when he feels challenged. Multiple cycles of discards in my 13 year marriage. I am completely ignoring him now because I’m currently in day four of a silent treatment. The last one was 3 weeks. I broke the stalemate and here I am again. This time I went on a wonderful day trip by myself, bought a new workout outfit, started hiking and taking better care of myself. I can clearly see how silly and immature he is. It explains why his ex divorced him and his four adult kids rarely talk to him.
yep we learn to play their game back at them and they don't even know they are being played
Looking great and talking a lot of sense as usual!
I love all your videos
You have no idea how much you have helped me you are so true 6 years and 2 toddlers later with a narcissist
I really needed this right now. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. You help many people aside from myself in the healing process with your awesome and every growing library of videos. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your hard work. I appreciate all your efforts.
I appreciate you too. Thank you for watching and for your kind comment ❤🙏
Your extremely soothing/calming voice and amazing insight into Narcissism is a life saviour. Thank you so much! 🙏
I would love to know the tips for evicting the Narcissist from your head & heart.
Wow!! 9 1/2 years been through this cycle many many times🤦♀️. Made me feel so sick to my stomach to listen to.
Too many times for me too. Thankfully we know more now. I hope things have settled down a bit for you ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo thank you! 🤗🤗
30 years for. me... and. I. am working on discarding now... for the. millionth time. I pray I make it
I realized the narcissist discarded me, but unknowingly I made myself available in the hovering phase and discarded her while she was trying to get me back and destroyed her ego.
Wow, great video as usual Christina! You nailed it. That is so great, and hilarious that you discarded a narcissist before you even knew about narcissism! :-) I don't mean that in a callous way at all - as you noted, none of us should ever take pleasure in breaking up with someone.... Ahhh, but a narcissist is different. A proactive discard by the abused is simply justice, imo...
A couple comments I would make....
A discard isn't always because they are done with as you mention - the covert N I was involved with tried very hard at the time of the discard to immediately morph into an alternate/Plan B relationship where we continued to do all the things we had previously done. She in fact was quite PISSED at me for not agreeing to the Plan B (she also mentioned friends with benefits). In the days after the discard she kept persisting re the Plan B relationship, even though I was in no way agreeable to it (I couldn't even believe that she was proposing it, but being devoid of empathy and being emotionally impaired, to her I wasn't losing anything, and obviously she wasn't) She obviously didn't want to lose the Supply that I offered but wanted to relegate me to a secondary source, and no longer the primary source of Supply.. When I wouldn't relent, she finally raged at me for not wanting me in her life anymore - as if she were the victim! Seriously....
The other thing I'd like to say is that I don't think boredom is the primary reason for a discard. In my opinion, based on extensive research, I believe it more likely has to do with their lacking Whole Object Relations. Once our only too human flaws have been revealed, or they incur a narcissistic injury, they have stopped idealizing us and have "split" us into bad, weak, etc. people. They now see us as all bad, with virtually no good qualities. I believe that this better explains why it is so easy for them to discard.... I'd be interested in your thoughts...
....couldn't have been posted at a better time.
Glad you found your way here 🙏❤
To survive the discard, it's essential to focus on self-care and healing. Understand that this ending is not a reflection of your worth, but a result of the narcissist's emotional instability and inability to maintain healthy relationships.
This is exactly what happened to me. I knew nothing about narcissism, I've only heard of it but never knew what it was about or understood it. The same thing also happened to me with the discard. I couldn't believe this person could be this way and do this to me. For many years I was being baited, gaslighted, lied to, manipulated, and never knew until the quarantine when I coincidentally started watching these videos because there was nothing to do and realized that everything described in them was describing the person I was dealing with. If it wasn't for covid-19 and the shutdown I would have still not known what was happening and I would have still not known about narcissism and that I was dealing with narcissistic abuse from a covert narcissist. This particular covert narcissist also had passive-aggressive tendencies with stonewalling, gaslighting, sabotaging, setting things up to trigger me, and I took the bait because I did not know that I was dealing with this type of disorder, I thought the person was normal, and gave this person the benefit of the doubt. In addition, the love bombing that engrained the belief of a "soulmate connection" caused me to hold this person in high regard even though things went from love bombing to devaluing (aka abusive).
I suspected something was wrong several years prior to the relationship ending so I started researching depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder, psychopathy, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, (skipped narcissism because I didn't know about it or even think of it) but nothing fit so I figured maybe there was a chemical imbalance or hormone issue. Then just before the end came I stumbled upon all of this just by chance and everything started to make sense so I started digging for hours and hours and hours researching all of this and became a "professional" when it comes to narcissism.
When I deal with someone who's narcissistic my "narc alarm" goes off immediately. Other people might think that I might be wrong, judgemental, or they may just not understand me for seeing the narcissism in people because they don't have an in depth understanding of the disorder so I keep it to myself and deal with things accordingly.
This life experience has made me EXTREMELY in tune with the behaviours of people around me to a point that I feel like I have a background in psychology. I have such a heightened awareness, understanding of behaviour, and have such clarity that it's empowering. The videos on this channel, Dr. Romani, Rebecca Zung, Dr. Grande, and Dr. Les Carter have helped me SO much! Thank you to all of them including Christina.
To top it off, after learning about narcissism I believe there is someone else very close to me who is also a narcissist but not covert. It's a struggle at times...
Wow! I almost felt like I wrote this myself. I experienced the same exact thing in the same way. I definitely feel the same way you do! I am seeing it everywhere now 😢. My biggest fear now knowing, is that my husband is possibly not capable of change. So all the hope I had is almost gone. 24 yrs! 😢
@@NicoleDeverney I lost nearly 20 years. It takes time to heal and see things differently. I hope it all works out for you...
Once you spot the first significant narcissist in your life you quickly start to notice the others narcs in your life. I didn't know what any of it all was until I was 40 and had just had a nervous breakdown after some events and gaslighting from my ex conflicted with my intuition and dismantled my senses. This led me to my first therapy session. Incidentally the nervous breakdown cause a few sudden shifts in mindset, which is known to happen when the brain creates new neuropathways in response to an extreme traumatic event like a serious accident, disease or illness. In my case I'd been struggling with a heavy cocaine dependency and was literally taking the stuff every day, although not enjoying it and unable to afford it I was wanting to give up at the time. It was a stroke of luck I guess that the breakdown took my enthusiasm for the drug away literally overnight. It's been 3 years and I've physically been offered coke and watched friends take it without feeling tempted.
I began therapy and then a few months later one night I watched my mum's reaction when I recalled a forgotten memory regarding a particularly abusive episode from my childhood that had been jogged by my therapist after 35 years. I saw my mum literally transform or morph on the spot. Her posture altered, her demeanour, her voice & tone changed and even her eyes appeared to look different. It was unsettling to say the least to witness this Oscar winning performance of of the humble and sympathetic and compassionate loving parent coming out of nowhere and go on to start making a heartfelt apology, only for her to say "I'm so sorry for what you had to suffer.................from your stepfather's behaviour when growing up". Fucking wow! At that point it hit me "she's never actually apologised for anything in her life????". That was the defining moment because it's impossible for me to look at things in the same way and my questioning is totally different. It's like removing the roof off of a convertible car, now you have a full 360 view instead of restricted view. Unfortunately for me, because my mother was narcissistic and my father was abscent, my most significant care giver and influencer had taught me to ignore myself and prioritise others, and to believe that love and respect were to be worked for, without anybody there to challenge her. By the time I learnt all this I realised that my best friend was a grandiose narcissist, a former best friend was a malignant narcissist, and the love of my life was a covert narcissist.
@@roberttruman8444this is crazy…are you me?
Hallelujah for these video's. Thank you.
Thank you for watching ❤🙏
Totally agree. Good vid. Thank you
Whenever I tried to address a behavior that hurt me, she would say "I can't be involved with someone who believes this about me." Then I would apologize for how I said things and ask her to not cut me out. It never resolved. She started withdrawing and when I addressed her about it she just said the connection no longer served her and that it's dramatic and rocky. Idt she's a narcissist, but I've been discarded twice by her now. And the first time I spent a full year thinking about her every day. And then she came back and discarded me again. Lord help me move on.
Thanks for the great insights you shared.!
I discarded him before I really did the research on covert narcissism of course I was right he is one! 100% and I unfortunately took him back only to get a brutal attack! It’s amazing to me how you know about my particular experience with one but you are amazing and I truly am feeling well with your videos !!! They have been instrumental in my recovery and my peace of mind - somehow he did get me to feel bad for him
And feel bad I ended things abruptly but now I am never going back! I just pray I can find someone who won’t be like this someday
This channel and its video comments are my lifeline. Thank You 🙏🏻
I am having a lot of difficulty accepting the reality that my ex-husband is a narcissist who never loved me and dealing with the final discard which happened in April after 14 months of hoovering only to obtain something very important from me. 8 days after he got what he wanted, he discarded me for the final time and I've been feeling like hell ever since.
Was in a 7 year relationship got replaced a month later didn't care how I was or anything is happy with the new guy been with him 5 months now thought I really meant something to her was just thrown away like trash :(
Marked by optimism, may your smile never fade.
Omg you are exactly right married for 23 years to my narc husband got the final discard on my birthday now going thru divorce!! trauma bond is so hard but I know that this is what I need, just scared
Omgggg 🤦🏽♀️ I made the mistake of contacting him AFTER I ended it with him. Glad I watched this so I have a warning. This is spooky
Omg. That’s exactly the words my sister and sister in law said when I confronted the issue. “I’m done. Lose my number!” This time I just moved on. But through the use of these videos when tempted to reach out.
I was recently discarded by my ex fiancé with Narc tendencies. Learning about narcissism and just to find answers. He was enraged when he ended things and blamed me 100% for for pushing him away from the relationship. I never expected this nor did I see this coming. I never ever thought this man could treat me this way after together for almost 7 years. It's very painful. 😞
girl you got this traumabond sucks but i hope you can move on
You are right. The last discard was the worse one. Doubted it but I went through it
Experiencing discard from a female narcissist I professionally helped to further her career.
The second she got what she wanted she devalued me behind my back to start the campaign against me. Then, the ostracization and then discard.
I’m so hurt. I thought nothing but the world of her and genuinely wanted to empower and give a hand up to.
Brilliant explanation ❤
DO NOT TAKE THEM BACK, TOXIC!
Complete Christmas discard. I just got the “I’ll always have your back”.
this is on point! thx
You’re an angel 😇
Thank you for this
I accidentally (because of family pressures outside the relationship) discarded my narcissist fiance (without knowing that she was a narcissist), immediately tried to repair the relationship but was unsuccessful for almost a year. After a year she came back with what seemed to be heightened contempt. Four months into the second chapter, the discard was accompanied with a cold, brutal and aggressive legal campaign to convict me of non-existent domestic violence.
8:00 "I could see the contempt sneaking in." Just happened to me too. Thanks for mentioning this because I need to NOT ignore that red flag once again
I have just learnt recently about narcissism in videos,,. I am sure now my partner is a Narcissist.He has been abusive, Love bombing, Hoovering , cheating and I have been forgiving thinking He will change.. It's a Blessing for me now that I know he's a Narcissist.Its not easy to have Such a relationship.. It's traumatic..I have been with him for 29years.. Now I am done with this relationship.
Thank You 🌹🌹🌹🙏🙏🙏💞💞💞
People have been telling me for 8 months now that my ex was a narc and it’s only just now registering! Wow. I’m stunned.
Hey Cristina! I hope you’re well! Looking beautiful! 😍🙏♥️
Hi Pete! Looks like Blake beat you to the punch this week 🤣🤣🤣 Hope all is well with you! ❤🙏
I feel it too even my eldest under age of 10 sees it coming. I hate feeling the end coming again but when trying to end things first he tells me he loves me but then when I least expect it he ENDS it just like that after making me and my kids feel loved and we can prevail as a family/couple. They discard w no empathy.
I'm starting to think more and more that my previous girlfriend was a narcissist. There's a lot I relate to in this video. Especially how you say you felt confused and it felt like their actions made no sense and wondering how you could be so wrong about someone.
Our relationship seemed incredible. It was the happiest I had ever been with anyone. She was so loving and attentive, so sweet, she gave me compliments all the time, gifts, and she just seemed deeply empathetic and caring towards me. This went on for almost a year until suddenly one day she stopped talking to me for a day. I tried to talk to her about it, asking if anything was wrong, and basically she criticized me for my depression. After that we continued to be in a relationship but now that you mention it, I did feel more contempt. It was pretty subtle, tbh, but it was like so many things were met with a negative response that weren't before.
Like I remember her asking about a writing exercise she'd done at a writing workshop, trying to show interest, and her basically shutting that down saying then I should just do it myself.
Then, about 2 weeks after she'd last called me her "very best boyfriend" she came to my house and broke up with me. She blamed me for everything, a bunch of stuff she'd never even mentioned before. She didn't shed a tear, she just seemed made of stone. Then she left. When I tried to win her back a few things later (because the people around me thought the relationship could be saved since it had seemed so great for so long) she treated me like I was nothing to her. Like she was already over me completely. This is, again, despite the fact that we broke up less than a week ago and less than a month ago there was literally nothing wrong.
But I think I'm starting to understand now that maybe this was narcissistic discard. And a lot of stuff from the past seemed to start coming together...
I'm still not sure, but the more I learn the more it seems to fit. I'm so confused though and hurt. I loved her so much and I thought she was my soulmate. And the difference between the person I was with for almost a year and the person who ended things feels like night and day. It feels like they were two completely different people.
My live in boyfriend went out for breakfast and texted me saying he's" back with his wife" and then texted my best friend to pick up his things from our home. 7 months later, I'm still in shock. I've seen him twice and each time he'd leave, block me and refused to discuss it.
He's back with his abusive wife
That really is a monster. 😒
Wow! Christina I was so use to Dealing with Covert NARCISSIST in my romantic relationships that I overlooked it In my other relationships... Oh my Goodness my friend is a NARCISSIST and I just conformed it while watching you explain it from this perspective she has a very toxic energy yet I tried to be optimistic however I have to end our friendship thanks Christina I really appreciate you 💚🤗
You have described my experience exactly. I was the cliche other woman. I have been in communication with their wife and it is so tragic, the destruction of her self. I can be thankful I am recovering but the destruction is heavy.
Starting from minute 2:51 in your video until the end is EXACTLY what happened in my marriage. He discarded me, had no clue about Narcissism, and now it all makes sense. Even things from the beginning of our 10 year relationship now make sense.. And the end was SUPER quick, less than a month from married to divorced, me devastated, confused, wondering what I did wrong… This is the craziest experience that I am still pulling myself out of…
You got this, same happened here just know you arent alone, get closer to God and heal❤️
Wow. This is exactly what she did. Heartbreaking hearing this.
Just to share, I was discarded at least 15 times and then I asked her to marry me, I thought I was what was wrong with our relationship and I was wanting to fix it. After a beautiful child and two years I was tossed aside again and I have been working very hard to figure out what causes me to fall over and over for the same game. I really appreciate you and a couple other people online for helping me through this last stage.
Trust me, you could fix every single fault and flaw you've ever had. They will always find something. FYI my ex at the end didn't even sound like she believed her own reasons. She literally sounded like a school kid who'd forgotten to write their book report or even read the book, and tries to make something up on the spot.
@@roberttruman8444 how long have you been free? It seems like when we start to grow and heal ourselves we are even less appealing to toxic people.
Here hurting and doing my best to heal.
Spot on 👏🏻
Thank you!
I did the same thing...took them back and the discard toward me was like a rouge wave on the pacific. The trauma caused by the last discard was almost more damaging then the entire relationship. Wrong...it was worse.
Been there. I found out more and more about covert narcissism and I was slowly " running away " from him... Because at that time I was sure that he is a covert narcissist. a few weeks later I started to miss him and forgot all the things that he has done... then he came back. I gave him another chance. We met again and he was giving me everything I've missed all the time before. After that perfect day he didnt message me anymore. I did message him twice. He was cold like Ice. Then I told him that I cant handle how cold he is all of a sudden and we have to " break up " all he said was: " ok " no explanation, no sorry nothing. Just left me be behind as I was nothing.
Discarded this morning 🌄 he simply spent the night away then lied about it ❤ha ha he's her problem now!! 😅
100% accurate video.
We went back and forth a few times after "breaking up".
Because I missed her "good side" so much. (Still do). But every time, all the phases played out. I had no idea of the clinical terminology until watching all of these videos. I knew exactly what was going on and predicted it....hoping I'd be wrong and something would change this time around. If I could only learn what *I* could avoid saying or doing in order to not induce that horrible behavior from her.
Not possible with a narcissist. They will ALWAYS go crazy on you in order to get you to react so they can turn it around on you because they need to feel like the victim in order to justify their own internal self loathing.
Third strike....after somewhat of a lovebombing phase of reconnecting after a year of virtually no communication..... which included a different relationship dynamic (no sex, just hanging out because we missed and loved each other so much) ......her seemingly 'changed' demeanor turned QUICKLY to the same old devaluing and discarding phases...faster than it ever did in the past. And when my "grey rocking" made it apparent that she wasn't going to get the reactions out of me she was looking for, she collapsed and treated me SO unbelievably horribly for absolutely zero reason...in one quick swoop of a 15 minute interaction.....I walked out on her and will no longer contact her. If she hoovers again, the answer will be NO.
Finally.
They discard and make you feel like it’s your fault and you’re the narc…so confusing and hurtful
Omg going through this right now all my fault & calling me a narc because I called him out
@@empressofthenile8868 they do not like being called out…when someone tells you that you are the narc, they are projecting themselves on to you!
It’s not your fault, you’ve just had enough! Like myself, called them out, disappeared!
Exactly!! Now I see
Called reactive abuse when we’ve had enough….not good to do but they like to push your buttons till you react and then they can blame you like” see how crazy you r acting,” don’t bite, ignore them. Or laugh at them, if you do, they’ll go nuts, lol
Thank you
Your 🗣voice is 👍good ➕positive 🎇energy. 💗Good 🤳vibrations. 🙏Thank you for being💖 you.
I rejected him first and then I made the mistake to let him come back. He humiliated me, assaulted me, he was very mean and he discarded me. I felt that he took his revenge. But after all I ve been through with him, I just want justice. I really want him to come back just to pay him back. I m sure he is very happy now especially after I validated him.
Oh snap. This is concerning. I'm in round three with a narcissistic boyfriend. Two months into our relationship last year, he quick-discarded. Ghosted. He came back around, as they do....and we reignited the relationship. I began to discover so many lies and inconsistencies, felt the nauseating ups and downs, uncovered a drug problem, that he was connecting/reconnecting with previous supplies....so I discarded. Right after Christmas. Well, fast forward to Valentines Day, and through an acute illness of his, and "help" he needed (yes, you nailed it...I need to be needed) we are reconnected. Your words here frighten me. He DOES have something to prove. I stripped him off all the showy things he'd convinced me to give him through pure pressure...a nice truck, trips, etc, not to mention...me. Now I'm guarded with him, not returning to him all those lovely things. But the reconnection...if I'm hearing you correctly....not a good idea. I'm only a month in, again, and exhausted from his demands which I have learned to say no to, for the most part.
Furthermore, I found a magick trick to trigger them into panicked discard mode, to a point they can't even destroy you while it's done, they can't formulate a devaluation plan fast enough to have much effect. I think this is going to be interesting for you but it's a very cruel thing to say for reasons very specific to codependency.
However I found it to be a very efficient inhibitor to harmful devaluation upon the final discards when they're losing control. I have had to do it twice and it was one of the worst feeling I had in my life to say that... knowing about their narcissism... can't help it but to feel horrible to do it to them.
Say ''I will never abandon you'', watch as they switch personality super fast trying to grasp how to process that information and then perfectly sabotage it.
Omg, I believe I did that unknowingly on so many occasions during the relationship and then I suddenly got discarded, told they want me as a friend instead and then they went no contact, ignoring my existence for a month before they decided to completely eradicate me out of their life by blocking and getting me banned everywhere, without ever communicating anything and I haven't even tried to reach out to them, cuz I got the message that they need time and space, but after getting discarded like that I found out thanks to Christina's videos that they're a covert narc. And now that I see your comment, no wonder they cut their ties and ran for their life XD
But boy, it was so painful for me as I was authentic and genuine with them all the time...
@@hanahomsi3574 Yeah, you dodged a couple landmines it seems. :P
@@Urkinorobitch Yeah, I probably did, though at that time I was so fricking confused and didn't understand what happened and questioning myself whether I was the abusive one somehow, it's so crazy! Just yesterday I've heard from my friends that their new supply in the form of a bestie so far (they wedged themselves into our relationship the last month before the discard happened as our mutual friend, grabbing most of my partners attention and pretty much changing their behavior, but my partner was still trying to reassure that nothing has actually changed and that they love me etc.) is an even bigger manipulative covert narc, so it's gonna be a fun fun ride for them and the people around and I finally feel very lucky to be out of the picture, not getting distracted by them anymore~
What do you mean perfectly sabotage it?
The personality switch is literally mind blowing. It really brought home that this is a crazy PERSONALITY DISORDER. Never have I ever seen something so scary. The person I thought I knew was just a fragment...making him nervous (by standing my ground irreversibly) got him out of his mind and he tried every tactic at once so it was easy to spot. Sickening.
I would never take her back. I was discarded after 24 years. I now know what I didn’t know.
How can you prepare if they're so impulsive? Okay so I understand that you ended it first...that's great!!