Childhood Trauma, Lost Identity and RAGE
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People who were neglected in childhood often turn out with a false identity that they were pressured into by parents who couldn’t see who they were AT ALL. This a pattern I’ve come to recognize in hundreds of letters I receive. There’s a developmental delay, almost, in forming a sense of self - of knowing your preferences, what make you make happy, what you long for. Some people just imprint on another person, a boyfriend or girlfriend. Other people flame out, burning themselves out by trying and trying. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman whose parents still don't "see" her and she's enraged -- which is holding her back.
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👉And I (UNANNOUNCED) "cut ties" to my toxic family with the support of a great therapist, but I never told them, just was unavailable for MONTHS, and that space was the break I needed to finally begin putting myself first. Eventually I eased back into some contact, but no explanation beyond "busy with school/work" as they were NOT invited into the conversation about my recovery/healing. Hope this helps, Mercy! 🙏
Congratulations on making yourself a priority. Boundaries are important. I hope you found some healing during that time. 💜
Same here ❤
Mine won't answer the phone, even though I had a procedure I was terrified of, previous cancer-so I was scared.
I'm pulling back completely now.. I see I'm not wanted and they're not interested and won't bother them again
@@amyholcomb6484 Thanks, and yes, most important thing to come out of my (unsupported on every level) college experience. 🙏
I love this method!
Mercy, we all love you here. You're winning, you just don't know it yet.
Wait, I’m like 4 minutes into the video and so far it’s like hearing my life story!! LOL. I thought that was me who wrote you that letter for a second because the accuracy it has to my life is just jaw dropping.
Ikr I am so glad Anna exists and we can find each other here.
Yeah, that's why we teach the culture of keeping our journals in a private place! Start writing about each daily activity and the whole thing goes to shit.
me, too! Miss Runckle met my Family of Origin?? eerie!!
It sounds like you're in the right place and we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Me too!!! Except my mom wasn’t a big part of my bullying… it was dad and my sisters
Mercy, don't beat yourself up for the childhood you didn't get to choose.... I was the family scapegoat. I was treated terribly, even though I was nothing compared to my ill-behaved siblings. I slowly left my family of origin. First by moving abroad, secondly by getting married, and now I'm no-contact with my parents and low-contact with my siblings. And I'm still healing from the all the trauma I had to endure with a highly narcissistic mother, enabling father, and flying monkey siblings. I wish life was easier for me, as a kid, but it wasn't, so I created it for myself as an adult.... And so can you.
❤🤗
🎉🎉🎉
The self critical judgement is hard to ignore along with low self esteem
I pray Mercy finds the love she needs & deserves. I've been very little contact with my DNA relatives over 30 years & it's so freeing. I feel more lonely with my DNA relatives than without them. Freedom is beautiful!!!
It's so difficult coming from a highly dysfunctional family, Bridgette -- particularly when it gets to the point when you feel that you need to cut them out. It would be so nice to be able to convert to a secure attachment style and attract healthier people -- I've heard that that is possible.
Well, we all seem to have the same problem, and it's good that places such as this are helping us to heal. I'm glad that you feel free now.
@@PsychedToknow-qw7cb it'll get easier as time goes by. You'll realize they weren't real family anyway. I don't call my DNA Relatives family except my offsprings. U be Blessed. I don't have a lot of close friends because this is a very evil selfish self-centered world!! I pray that u will be set free & find true happiness!!!
@@bridgettetraveler658 Thank you so much, Bridgette. 🌼
Same!!
Yes i cut off anyone that disturbs my peace . I'm not having anyone bringing drama, pain or problems into my life. I always try to find balance and peace, means being alone.
Although i'm always open to finding my tribe but everyone is vetted first . Too many toxic people around especially if you had a traumatic childhood.
Mercy, I work independently for people who need in-home care. I used to work for awful and exhausting clients, in my 20s. Even into my 30s I chose bad jobs, feeling limited and stuck in spite of having a college degree. (not a nursing degree) Today, work only for clients I enjoy, who treat me respectfully. There's a lot of hope for your career, if you chose to remain working with people. Big giant hugs to you. Don't listen to haters.
I'm an independent caregiver as well. I used to accept, due to practically non existent self esteem, truly untenable low paying cases. After 25 years of experience and learning to really value my important services, I started commanding my own fee. I finally have financial breathing room.
Hey, I'm like mercy, about to do nursing. How do I get into the field of independent care? Does it require experience in nursing first?
@@amaraokolo1371
I'm not nor have I ever been a nurse, and I began caring for people in my late teens. You need to be patient and caring, and should be able to communicate well - with other caregivers, nurses, doctors, family.
What’s worse is when you get rear-ended and injured in a car accident. My family are like sharks sniffing blood in the water, and even though I now live 1300 miles away, on bad pain days, all my symptoms get triggered. I can’t be safe. I hear my parents screaming at me for being “lazy” and telling me to get a job. It’s so hard to move on from “feeling helpless” when I am actually helpless. I’m stuck!
We're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
This is all lies and cr*p about you. They were wrong. We have to adopt a new way of thinking and living. You are totally off to a good start. So many people won't look straight in the face of what happened to us when we were helpless victimized children. I always knew somehow I was loved even though my family did not act that out toward me thought they said and say they did. The Fairy committee loves you and it is hard work but we get through and become real people loved and able to love others. For real!! A miracle each time. You just watch.
@@marylouleeman591 Aww, thanks! You made my morning!
I agree with this 100%
Love and. Prayers to you ❤
My dad was abandoned at the age of 7. Ended up in a violent orphanage where he witnessed and experienced mental, physical and sexual abuse. He went on to become a professor. I dropped out of high school. Long story.
I've learned at the age of 52 about the concept of intergenerational trauma.
My dad once told me that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. No more apples. I love my dad, who died 8 years ago. Nobody is perfect. But my relationship with him was dark and difficult.
No more apples, indeed!
My mother's mother had a baby out of wedlock when that simply wasn't done. It wasn't known about till after her death. It was common then for the mother to be locked away, sent to live with relatives, etc. Then the baby immediately adopted or sent to orphanage at birth. Needless to say, she wasn't right after that. My mother isn't right, diagnosed later in life with bipolar. One of her brothers wasn't right, diagnosed with schizophrenia. My son was diagnosed with adhd. I haven't gotten tested yet, but I check ALL the boxes for it. It's either adhd, cptsd (child post traumatic stress syndrome) or combination of the 2.
I have wondered if such things are hereditary or just coincidence. Never heard of intergenerational trauma till your comment.
My siblings could not break from that conformity. I left my hometown and had no communication for seven yrs.
I'm sorry that happened. I hope you are finding your way to a better life. I had the same junk but got strong enough to stay in town and reduce contact with them even though we all show up for holidays and birthdays. There is the next generation to consider and somehow they seem miraculously free of our nonsense. I also learned to stand up for myself and to call certain ones on their treatment of me!! Scary but it paid off. They leave me alone now. Hooray. No more childish brutal "teasing."
Also female rage is therapeutic.😂 I read so much Andrea Dworkin amd Maya Angelou because of the same and it really saved me from predatory men later on, its good not to buy into the mass marketed misogyny of our times that is really not kind to women-both far left and far right. The rage was also helped by this book Women Who Run With The Wolves, man she really helped me sublimate all that female rage and being gaslit into the creative work I do now instead of letting it hurt me or make me feel unsafe all the time. Anna's videos on reregulation are goldmines and make more amd more sense as I apply them, relistening and reviewing myself. Hugs to you Mercy.☺️🌸
Women Who Run With Wolves was my first book into trauma recovery. ❤️
@@harleyquinn5774 Ikr, so beautiful and sensitive to the patriarchy and what it does to women without making one feel hopeless.
@@harleyquinn5774 Which others do you like?
@@harleyquinn5774 Anna mentioned the film The Quiet Girl and it unclenched something in me.🕯️ Stories can heal so much in us.
Dworkin made no sense to me.
Cutting ties requires a lot. I underestimated it and learned the hard way. Despite I had plans to leave my family from ever since I was 11, 12 years old. The best way is to make the radical decision to start a new life, a clean slate. Before you do, get off social media. Go low profile. Nobody needs to know your next move. Keep it as much to yourself as you can but try to have one person you can trust with this. You will need:
-Money
-A good friend
-A new adress
-A new phone number
-A new job
Sounds simple, but this is a huge preparation and a huge change of mindset. Nobody in your family can know. Secrecy is key.
Going 'no contact' is a big decision. It's like giving birth or dying. You cannot take for granted that you'll be welcomed back or forgiven when you decide to reconnect. Some things are permanent.
@@JuneAdams-li9sy it sure is. Cutting ties with family and old friends is still one of the best decisions of my life. But then a new friend wanted to know me better. 16 years after the family breakdown, he asked me about my grandparents. Out of nowhere, I suddenly burst into tears with full weeps. My grandparents never did me anything wrong. In contrary to my mother, they allowed me to be a child. My grandparents are the best memory of my childhood. I did everything to not put them between me and my mother. We had no conflict. Only confusion about what now after such a family breakdown. So ultimately, we lost contact.
However 16, 17 years later, I'm actually preparing to meet my grandparents. My mother left the country years ago. My half brother is out of the picture. Chances are good my grandparents didn't fall for my mothers attempts to set them up against me with gaslighting and a smear campaign. However I'm not afraid for their rejection. Chances are good this could succeed, because my grandparents are by far, above and beyond all THE best memory of my complex traumatic childhood. It would actually be a crown achievement in my healing journey to tell my grandparents why the things are the way they are.
Moral of this story; don't ever forget those who were good to you.
I moved away from my whole extended family 27 years ago.
@@babayaga489 I hope it was the right decision for you.
@@JuneAdams-li9sy Goign no contact is sanity. Going back is not part of that. I never will and most people who've been driven to that point absolutely should not go back. Be aware that your comment sounds like gaslighting
I'm so sorry all of those horrible things happened to you. Be proud of yourself, and how much you've accomplished in your life, in spite of all of that has happened to you. You deserved better parents. Period. I send you prayers, love and light 🕯️ Hugs 🤗
Mercy, from one nurse to another, I can really relate to your experience. Please find a work environment that is more supportive towards your healing and less triggering. You can heal your heart and take care of yourself. Wishing you the best!
Mercy you’re amazing woman ❤️. Thank you for your courage to share your story. 🤗
Mercy, by you writing this letter you helped me understand something huge that has been destroying my life and I am 57. I could so relate to everything you wrote. It's soooo much. You keep blaming yourself but I could tell that you have a beautiful heart, no doubt about it. I have an on again off again relationship with God but right now, only since about two hours ago we are on again and here I get help with a highly debilitating problem I could not figure out for decades. I said a heartfelt prayer for God to hug you, hold you, comfort you. I would if I could. I really wish I knew you we could really share some stories and as a woman who's son died and daughter was stolen, I wish I could show you some motherly love. God bless and keep you child. You are truly lovely.
Maybe it is the version of Christanity you can't identify with..
I'm game!
I didn't receive unconditional love from my mother.
She seriously could not (ever!) be bothered with me!
She was my source of emotional ab*se.
She's gone and I do not miss her!
She was on dr*gs while I was growing up and my dad was a raging alc*holic.
And I mean raging!
He was the punisher and used a fishing pole and we were pretty good kids except for fighting each other, older brother also being very ab*sive to me.
I'm a year younger than you and I'm very angry, hopeless, resentful and am plagued with intrusive thoughts.
I never have the right thing to say and most people don't seem to like me.
I've wished for de*th since I was about 12.
The only thing stopping me is the possibility of reincarnation.
And don't tell me reincarnation isn't a possibility as none of us here know 100% whether or not it is.
All I know is God promises everlasting life which leads me to believe reincarnation is a possibility.
I don't want to have do-overs!
I don't want to be here.
My mothers last parting gift was to leave me with $20,000 in outstanding debt to pay or lose my house (that I still owe $145,000 on) as both our names are on the house..
To the estate of...
Oh!
And not only did my mom hijack most of my birthdays and made them about her, now that she's gone, on my last birthday, her brother wanted to take me somewhere that my mother liked to go!
So even tho she's not here anymore, my birthday still isn't about me!
😠😤🤬
@@sweetmissypetuniawilson9206 You could be my twin. I don't even want everlasting life cuz so far I don't see the gift of it and I have tried real hard. I see other people having good lives but I lost both my children my husband, had an horrific childhood so bad I disassociate and can't remember but have hints and clues of some dark stuff, and everyone I have ever loved has betrayed me and I am not making this up, except for my son but he died as an infant. My own daughter don't get me started. i still dream about her all the time. In my dreams she is still my sweet little girl. I don't want sympathy from anyone, I am just worn out from trying to heal and getting no where. The last six years I have, not by choice, been in almost total isolation. Like Mercy said, all I ever wanted to do was be normal and I will add, have a family/be a mom. I have tried to escape and something crazy happens every time - I can't even choose to leave.
@@sweetmissypetuniawilson9206 Mine is kinda opposite. I was just finally getting to know my father. I was homeless (long story not drugs or booze) and he said tome, "I am going to show you how to live." and those were his last words. He left me enough money to buy a home (I never wanted to own a home) I bought this old farmhouse cheap and wanted to have a business - I did this cuz I thought it is what he would want. Now I am alone in this big house falling down around me exhausted and waiting for a miracle or to die. Plus it is in rural Vermont and the locals hate me because I am an outsider. All I want to do is go back to West Virginia where I had to leave at 11 but I can't even get a realtor to help me. I was happier homeless.
Sending Mercy a virtual hug. I understand because that used to be me. She was the rescuer at home then went into a rescue profession. I hear you. Love from another family rescuer/ scapegoat. The Daily Practice, cutting out goofballs, finding decent people, and therapy helped, but it took years to find the right one. I used to take Mommy vacations which she hated but was like a day at the spa for me 💗❤💗🌹🌹🌹
This was me for over 5 decades. I’m finally seeing all the masks I have worn throughout my life trying to belong somewhere, anywhere after growing up neglected and abused. Dissociating was my go to with a deep sadness and deeper rage. I’ve been working on it for over 2 years now. I hope to discover my true self as I live the childhood I never had at 60. I have much less contact with my overbearing mother and have gone no contact with the paternal side of the family altogether. They abandon me at 6. Losing 14 loved ones in less than 3 years beginning in 2021 brought all the grief from childhood and repressed memory to light. I know now how strong I am, considering everything I have been through. I realize I can change and go on. Sending love to all healing from old traumas. Don’t give up on yourself.
We're cheering you on, Mercy❤️ I'm so sorry you've experienced such things.
Dear Mercy, when my mom died, I found this Scripture…. (Paraphrasing) In Psalm 27:10 “even if my mother and father forsake me/abandon me/reject me/mistreat me/despise me/use me/abuse me…. God will never leave me, God will sustain me, God will love me, God will accept me”
Our flawed parents are just the babysitters on this earth, God in Heaven is our outmost creator. He is our real father, He is the one that gives us a breath of Life each and everyday and He is the one that will never die. People, flawed people will come and go in our lives, only GOD stays with us through the length of our existence on earth to Eternal Life after this temporary life.
On that note. Life is precious to our Father God. And no human should have so much power over us that would lead us into not wanting to live anymore.
We understand what you are going through and know You Are NOT Alone for JESUS is with You at all times!!!! 🙏🥰❤️
Thank you so much for your encouragement and your relationship with God the Father. I love God he is amazing. I am going to help children not ever go through the trauma I went through. We are worth living and being here on this earth. God makes no mistakes. God created us so that he can get the glory out of our life. You are so worth being here.
Thank you for sharing this piece made me cry. ❤ I needed to see this tonight. Much love & light to you. 😊
Keep your imaginary friend bullshit to yourself. Shame on you.
God, such a cogent topic for me.
Paradigm-shift developmental rupture , age twelve; Gargantuan betrayal, sabotage, neglect, gaslighting/deception and more -
The core identity is there in the form of values, ethics, judgement, intelligence, natural abilities and more, but from a pragmatic standpoint - making a living, further education and more, kind of … not even sure.
Ugh.
There is radical multi-generational “fragmentation, incompletion and (internal) disorganization”, as if there was never a family “identity”, culture or “brand”.
WOW, like being walloped over the head with a cast iron pipe.
~ Peter
*** I’d like to submit a letter, too, were that possible. Thank you.
Mercy, listening to your story, it is evident that despite everything in your past, you are still resilient and are a survivor. Keep up your spirit!!
Thank you for sharing these kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
Mercy, you don’t have to fix all the things at once. Take a deep breath, 😮💨 choose a small part of your life you want to be different, and do it every day. Eventually, you will feel less overwhelmed and have space to take on more ❤
"Choose a small part of your life you want to be different..." Thx 💚🍀👩🌾
Thank you for these words.
Nika@TeamFairy
Sound advice!
Dear Mercy, please accept a hug from a stranger on the internet 💕 You came to the right place for help and advice, and I hope you can really absorb all that Anna has said in this video. She understands what you've been through and she knows what she's talking about when she offers suggestions. I hope you will take her advice to heart. I wish we could hear an update from you in a year or so... I'd bet money your life will be 100% improved. Take good care of yourself - you deserve it 💝
Such kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Mercy, you deserve peace, joy, balance, and to have all of your needs met. Please know there is a better life waiting for you, though YOU have to be the one to walk toward it, step by step. A bright happy life IS POSSIBLE for you Mercy and you have a community of people who are rooting for you right here, who know the tough path you're on right now. I can relate to wanting to "check out" of life, I wanted to for decades and I cry tears of joy today for having made it through to what feels like the best I've ever felt. I think this quote might be helpful for you "Decide on what kind of life you want, and say NO to everything that isn't that". I'm proud that I've let go of my family relationships that held me from my healing, I started 12-step for codependence just 6 months ago and do daily somatic practices. You can do it Mercy, choose you!!
Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When I was in first grade, I was placed in special needs classes due to my behavior. As a result, I began to believe that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Adding to that identity crisis was the fact that others around me began to see me that way, and other kids bullied me and my siblings for it. Over time, I internalized this identity--the identity of the one who has issues and needs help. In fact, I'm the only one out of my immediate family who's been in and out of therapy, to my knowledge, which only added to my belief that something was wrong. Also, it hasn't helped that my siblings seemed to have turned out just fine, but I somehow haven't.
Only recently have I begun revisiting all this and realized what was going on, and that it isn't just my problem.
Mercy, stay strong. You are amazing and eventually you will realize how amazing you are. Do what is best for you and remember that you define who you are.
I look at the world like everyone is ok but me, so I can relate. I was put in a special reading class that did the same to me. I forgot about it until you mentioned it. I remember feeling weird about it. Decades later I found out I had dyslexia from a boyfriend noticing it. Remember they thought Einstein was retarded. My mom told me my baby picture looked like I was retarded. I found out in 8th grade I had a 140 IQ. The high IQ only makes me better at screwing things up though it seems, lol. Thank you for sharing that!
@christinetuttle8975 No problem. We're all in this healing journey together 💪
so sorry for what happened to you. wishing you the best ❤
Sending you love Mercy. You are strong!! Sending you a giant hug
Anna, you are definitely doing what your gift is and what you're supposed to do in this life. ❤
Praying for you Mercy, and sending much love and light. So many of us have been through some version of this painful Hell. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you are strong. We all are supporting you, please do not give up hope.
Mercy, I hear you, I see you, and I feel your pain. You are not alone. ♥️
Hi Marcy. I went no contact with my own mother seven years ago and up and quit my insurance job instead of unaliving myself. That was the start of things getting better.
I'm proud of you for staying! I hope you stay, and are able to find the support you need. You have value and are worth the effort to heal. 💜
I love that you brought The Bear into the conversation.
Mercy, you have the right to choose your supporters, your "family." Sometimes, our families of origin cause so much harm that we at least need a rest from them. I hope you find the space to find yourself. I send love and hope to you.
I have a friend who was an er nurse in a busy hospital. It was something she always wanted. She loved her job and was great at it, but after a few years, felt burnt out. The adrenal rush of dealing with patients in a life and death crisis became too much. She became affected, as anyone could imagine, but also because her own nervous system was dysregulated from childhood trauma. She went on anxiety meds, and it was ok for a short while. But then that became a problem, because she became dependent and her anxiety became worse. She eventually left the hospital, and now that she is in a more calm environment, is also busy tapering off the anxiety meds.
The first step in helping ourselves is identifying the problem.
We waste so much time trying to please other people. We don't even know what is going on inside us, we are so used to suppressing our emotions and numbing ourselves. We can't even formulate coherent sentences because we are in a dark fog of stress, anxiety, depression.
Don't lose hope. Keep listening and learning, and never feel that you're not important. You are! Peace and love ❤🤗
Just saw snippets of the christmas episode and boy did it trigger me! The rage was overwhelming. You're doing vital work Anna, thanks so much.
Mercy- I hope you find a good way forward that gives you the peace and love you were denied as a child. You're not alone.
54 years old and I am finally actively seeking out what I love to do and what fuels me. So relatable about avoiding people who remind us of certain family members and familiar situations that only remind us of the neglect and trauma.
Dear Mercy, you are not alone. I'm praying for you.
Mercy, I heard 2 things that very much resonated with me and I think it shows what a strong person you are and you are already on the right path to heal. Don't give up, please don't! It's an uphill battle, but God it feels so powerful and amazing when you overcome it and you can look back and see the heights you've surmounted...Now things that I observed and heard from your letter:
1) you write amazingly! and that's no small trivia. You were able to communicate your history and feelings altogether in such clear and touchable way that I was instantly there with you, and I am sure many others felt the same. That's not just a writing talent, that shows you're very much in touch with your feelings and thoughts, and also more importantly it shows you've already processed it a lot, and are capable of sitting and writing the most painful things. Throughout my childhood and teenage years writing was one of my coping mechanisms. I notice a good writing that has that healing power when I hear it. You have it. I hope you have a habit of writing, and if you don't I suggest you consider it, whether it's a diary, blog or even a book
2) you mentioned you feel like it's your job to save your family from what has been a pattern. What I heard was the voice of a child who still blames herself for what happens to them, and that's why she's still feeling responsible to undo what she's caused. Again, maybe I am too much comparing your situation with mine, but from personal experience, once I accepted deeply that I am not responsible for a lot of things related to my family's state of mental and emotional well-being, the dynamic in our relationships changed considerably, not completely, but it definitely got better. That was actually when I could see some of them started to take some responsibility and go through self healing too. I think you have unconsciously noticed it yourself too, and you are definitely ready to take that step.
Mercy, I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult path. I see you as an incredibly strong, bright, compassionate, beautiful person. You are truly one of the people who is working towards our greater good, by being vulnerable & still working towards a life of dignity, even as those around you are trying to keep you in dysfunction, because they lack your strength & that deep yearning you have for life. I think those of us who are the black sheep are the most dangerous to the dysfunction, because we want a better life. It is not because we were the worst, but the ones who have the terrible gift of higher awareness & a yearning to be free of pain through facing it.
I use IFS and it has transformed my life. What I know is that I have always been on my own side. & I know that you have been on your own side too.
I send you so much love & compassion.
Mercy, I'm sending you love and encouragement. You've taken a first step writing your letter. You're on your way to healing. Keep going.
Mercy, I am so sorry to hear about the horrible abuse you have endured. I am inspired by your resilience. I hope your life gets a lot better - you are an incredible and remarkable person and you deserve the very best in life.
Mercy, you have a lot of strength and wisdom at this young age. What happened to you was terrible. I am glad you are learning to heal and starting to live your life differently. It will get better for you because you are already taking charge of your healing. I wish you well and have complete confidence you will get better, just be patient with yourself. Draw those tough boundaries.
Thanks for sharing these words of encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Hi Mercy, I’m so sorry you were treated that way. Please know we are all here to support your journey. You are reaching out which is the best first step on your new chapter.
"Mercy" should look into Balint Groups, which are like group therapy/supervision for medical professionals and their interactions with patients. She could speak about her feelings to people who get it and also see that other nurses have similar feelings.
How does it work out when your own doctor asks you out (I am a patient)? Guess he wasn't going to this group.
@@SirenaSpades report him ASAP. That is as unethical as it is creepy. Was this a mental health professional? There is a support group called TELL that you can contact if you need a safe space to sort out what happened.
Mercy, thank you for having the courage to show us how to be honest. Bless you, sister!💜💜💜
Thank you for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Mercy I cried listening to your story. Not because of pity but because I cry when I'm angry and Even though you are not vindictive in your letter your anger and rage come through. You have a right to be angry, and I hope that anger end up helping you rather than destroying you!
My abuse went beyond parents, it was coaches, teachers and principals.
Glad you are here now.
Nika@TeamFairy
Mercy, I left home and went low contact with my mother when I was 17, and no-contact with my father when I was 21 (they divorced when I was 14). I worked three jobs to put myself through school. I chose the degree they wanted for me, later, changed careers. They are not thrilled with my decisions, but I live on another continent now and take the work I want- even when said work is below my abilities or training; or aligned with my passions but low-paying. I have slowly rebuilt myself from decades upon decades of generational trauma. Each time I dig deeper, I learn about more. My last trip "home" was a disaster, and I made the painful decision to stay cordial but not heavily involved since that trip. There are so many of us out here like you, finding our stories and our way. In my 20s I had a lot of anger, and it still surfaces sometimes. One of my best friends had an abuse story at the level of yours, and like, you, she could not trust men, not to be friends, not hug, nothing. A few years and she married and is in a healthy relationship- after years of therapy that let her get to the point of trusting her own decisions again. You are not alone. My heart goes out to you.
Mercy, you are not alone! Your letter and voice and story helps to lift up so many other people who have also suffered and feel lost. That validation is the bridge to sovereignty and healing.
It is unbelievable how video after video you’re able to describe my (and so many people’s) life experience and inner struggles. Thank you so much for making me feel seen and a little less lost❤
Mercy, I’m sorry you had to go through such a terrible childhood into this your adult life. It can be truly bittersweet to have great interactions with strangers after a lifetime of toxicity from family. Just know that you put positive energy out into the world and you will find your way with the work you’re doing emotionally, you are loved.
I am so sorry, it was like the letter let me know I am not an alien.
You are a gift
You are loved and not alone! I know it’s overwhelming now but you have splendidly with what happened all through the years! I wish you well as you make the changes you need. Even little changes puts you ahead. ❤
Lifting you up Mercy.. with love and light! You seeking support says so much about who you are.. you can heal friend. You’re so strong and have overcome so very much. It’s your time babes!❤😘💕
I think having a narcissistic parent causes borderline tendencies. That and severe trauma.
😢I feel so much for her. Sounds like she is hurting so much!!
Being a quiet or regular borderline person is so so painful!! It’s just like have c-ptsd. I actually have a ptsd diagnosis. I very frequently isolate too!! I don’t really feel connected to anyone. I don’t feel like I matter to anyone either. It hurts SO much. I feel it everyday. It steals any capacity for joy.
Thank you fairy for the help you give us!! You are making a big difference!
Thank you for being a part of our community. We're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel this
What a survival story you have! You are amazing! You are good, and strong, and you can't quit yet! My opinion is that God wants you home in due time, and that you have so much empathy for others in pain. You are beautiful. Sending love and hugs.
Very sad she bore so many burdens. That’s not easy. I’m happy she is reaching out, and love the way you are helping her separate what was done (or not done) to her, so she can learn how to enlarge and build a wonderful life for herself. Thank you for this, and for being there to share and to help.
Oh dear, I want to give Mercy a long and warm hug! My childhood was not so bad as hers, but I understand the alientation from the Job and the wish for deep and healthy connection. I hope she can let Love and passion enter her life!
Sending love and connection to you, Mercy. We hear you and we are here with you ❤️
Mercy, please don't give up! You are needed here and loved xxx
I was moved to tears after a few minutes. My heart goes out to the strong and wonderful Mercy. ❤
Thank you for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sending you big love, Mercy. we had very similar childhoods so I totally get you. Mine was quite violent in a physical sense and it was my mother. My father was like yours too. My brother was the angry one, and I was terrified. I hear you. I send so much 🫂. All I can say is try focus gently on you now, focus and plan on your recovery. You have survived your survivor, and you deserve happiness. You're in my prayers and best of luck with new beginnings ❤
Love to the letter writer, thank you for your vulnerability. You are wonderfully articulate and I’m sorry you suffered such a hard life. We are all hoping the best for you.
Mercy you are a miracle that has made it through some really horrible things that happened to you that were not your fault. You are reaching out and doing an amazing job to help yourself. Much love to you!
What a kind comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
We hear you mercy. I've been where you are. You're very aware of your picture. You can learn the tools to come through. Please be gentle with you. You're actually so remarkable. Sending you so much love ❤
Take courage, Mercy! Sometimes keeping a diary or journal helps to sort out the messy feelings, like doing a “brain dump” on paper. The best thing that you can do is eat a healthy diet to support the brain-gut biome connection and try to get enough rest. Go easy on yourself as you continue to reduce the disregulation, you will have good days and bad days. Also keep lists of what delights you, what interests you, what is captivating and what you want and need. I know your schedule probably doesn’t allow you to do that much now, but use it as a reference to your “future self”. Continue the activities that feed your soul and/or calm you down. Seek and build relationships when you feel more stable inside. Perhaps you can meet an older woman to role model or who offers comfort, support, laughter and understanding. I always wished that I had a mentor when I was your age. You are courageous! Stay the course and believe in yourself. May God bless and protect you and offer guidance in your life. You have all of the time in the world. I wish you all of the best in your life journey. Your self awareness is a great start, as is Anna’s advice. Peace.
All the best to you, Mercy. You can do this. You will live a better life, free of such a heavy burden. We are all cheering you on.
I am so sorry you went through all of that Mercy. Please believe in yourself, connect with support groups and therapy and invest in yourself. You are worth it, and you can build a different future for yourself.
When I graduated from college, I had a nice job, my dream car and a nice apartment. I was where she was there.
Every word relates 100% to my story. I mean EXACTLY. This is so validating and empowering. Thank you.
We love you, Mercy. You’re doing such a good job
Mercy, when I heard about you moving around and taking drawing and books with you, I wished we were friends! So much of your story is relatable, and it sounds like you have done some amazing, wise things to keep yourself going - like the physical activity and creativity. I hope you feel the love from this community, because I felt it for you hearing your letter. I cut off half of my family in my 20's, and I know I missed out on some things, but it had to happen. There is still sadness about it, but the space was instead filled with some amazing, dedicated, understanding friends.
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm so sorry all this has happened to you, Mercy. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still here. I thought about ending it all several months back...and I'm glad I didn't go through with it too. Things are going to get better for you soon. You're doing the right thing by reaching out and asking for help. Much love to you ❤️
Awww Mercy! Thank you for your service as a nurse. As someone who has spent many years sick & in hospital, I thank you! There is no shame is knowing that something isn’t working for you right now.
I worked as a human service counselor for 12 years, but there came a point when I couldn’t do it any more. It became too much because I didn’t have good boundaries with regard to my mental/emotional health. Now that I have better boundaries, I have ZERO desire to do that any more. I’m still figuring out what to do and where to go next but I’m hopeful I can find something better suited to my talents, and I believe Mercy can too.
Mercy, you can get through this. You are a survivor ❤
Mercy, I'm so glad you're reaching out!! You are worth it 100,000,000 percent!
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is so sad to hear, I know so many things coming at her are very much overwhelming but she needs to remember no job is worth selling your own self worth and yet,she does really probably change more lives than she even realizes too.
This is road filled with so many blocks and yet she's young and has already overcome so much and doesn't see that in herself.
God Bless her heart!❤️💯
Lots of love to you Mercy. You are valued & worthy ❤
You deserve better! Change the job, change the people, change the scenery... Whatever it takes to make your life into life you want ❤
You are beautiful soul, Mercy who is on the brink of what can be an amazing recovery!!! You have great insight and are doing the work to overcome it, though it is early. 😢 We all love and support you and are cheering for you! 💓🥰 Many of us have gone through similar stories (I am estranged from a family of 6 and two parents) I went through that dark night of the soul also and felt as you did. I turned my life around by going full time work on myself. Even at night, I listen to positive and self love affirmations all night long to turn my negative outlook around. It's not easy, but you can do it!!!
And the daily practice is essential for this work! ❤
Mercy is an amazing person and I'm so glad she wrote the letter to find healing and hope.🌷🌷🌷
Mercy you're amazing. There are so many career options available to you with your skills, strengths and experience. I finally left acute inpatient mental health nursing after 5 years to work in health research which I've found is far less emotionally taxing for a similar wage. Cheering you on! 👏
Mercy, I understand when you connect with a patient in a good way and that you wish you and your mom could have. I am assuming that the good patients were older ladies maybe your moms age. It really affected you that your mom was not nurturing to you. Hopefully you can heal some with a motherly figure in your life. I experienced a similar mother who has not given me 5 seconds of love in 58 years, and this really messes a person up. I think she (my mother) has undiagnosed mental problems. Please dont give up because you are doing so well. If you dont like nursing ( its a very difficult job) your degree can open up other doors for you. We will pray for you darling. ❤
It still stupefies me that I never got a hug from my Mom past the care she did give me as an infant.
Mercy, I’m proud of you for writing to the Fairy and for seeking better for yourself.
You’ve got this, I believe in you!
❤❤❤
"....I feel rage when I meet someone who acts like my mother, despite me often repeating the same patterns and behaviours as them" Ouuuuff, this hit hard.
This whole letter hit hard.
Thank you for writing in, Mercy.
You’re amazing Mercy. Hope you’re able to overcome and perseverance.
Mercy, I can tell you have a beautiful soul, and I am happy you are here. The way you feel will not last forever. Hope is never truly lost.
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Mercy,
You are so brave to be headstrong continuing your life in the way that you are dealing with it.
I hope that you find that true authentic alignment with your true authentic self.
It will be an emotional journey though with many feelings of fullfillment along the way.
I wish you every personal fulfillment in truly being "you" in every hearty and authentic way.
❤
Sending you lots of love and support, Mercy. I understand how you can feel so isolated and fear connection - my story is somewhat similar to yours (although not as severe) and I struggle to find people who can understand me or relate to my life story. I hope you find some connection in the CCF tribe with us! Keep reaching out for help from the right people and stay strong. It's worth it and you deserve it xxx
One of my most favorite words ever....mercy. May Mercy be showered upon you Mercy. This is a wonderful, uplifting community. YOU are an amazing person...period.
Dear Mercy, so much of your story parallels mine. From the being moved around, super crappy parents, gaslighting, shaming and working in a career which strips your spirit to the core (teaching, in my case). Hearing your story was step by step, side by side, my story. Finding Anna has been the single most helpful thing for me. And I just found her at the age of 59. For the first time in my life I know I’m not crazy- I’m just really damaged and I can heal. You can heal, too. Stay here with those who share your agony and know that you’re not alone. Keep breathing. Stay alive. And step by step you can find a path to who you really are. And I’ll be doing all of this with you. And so will the rest of the Crappy team! We got this, loves! ❤
P.S. I’m writing this on my partner’s TH-cam account, but I’m a female, not Steve. 😊
Wow, thank you for sharing this! I'm so glad Anna's work has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
God bless you, Mercy! Your strength is amazing and inspiring with so much you have survived and overcome.
I'm so sorry you went through all that and what you're experiencing now. You deserve a better life, healthy relationships, and to do the work you want to do.
Sending hugs and understanding to Mercy! That's a lot to go through. It's so good Mercy is able to come forward and find support and a new beginning in a caring space.
On a more general note, I know every situation is different and there are certainly circumstances in which it makes sense to cut ties, sometimes without explaining. But normally, even with my crappy childhood (which I had in spades and am still working through), I look at my parents and see people who were also broken. So I can look at some of the things they did and say they shouldn't have done them -- but I can also know that the outcome they produced isn't what they intended. That's just my situation, but I see that they're also screwed up and what they had to deal with in their past. So I also have enough sympathy with their journey to tell them I need space or to say I'll be busy for a while, because that is who I've chosen to be.
For Mercy & whoever else can relate to her story. I do hear everything you said and how you’re feeling. I know that rage too. It’s 100% valid, but bc you’re a female, it’s highly likely you will develop an autoimmune disorder by the time you hit your late 30s- 40s, if you don’t get rid of it. That’s why I’m writing; to tell you what I know both from personal experience, & as a result of my research.
I know it’s highly likely bc I’m 56, & it began in my younger days. I know bc I’m not the exception in these circumstances, I’m the rule.
I’m a former research biologist with a background in medicine and have spent the last 7 years trying to figure out how to get well from the onset of a serious autoimmune illness that sort of took nearly everything from me.. job, ability to go outside, interact with people, do the things I loved.
There werent therapists in my day that had a clue how to help children or adult survivors like us back then.
I think, bc that’s no longer true, bc you’re young, & you’re a nurse, the odds are very good you can feel better, and actually have a good life. You’ll be able to look these 3 things up, & understand how they can stop that from happening to you… how you can let go of the rage, bc I know you want to, but don’t know how. My suggestions are in addition to whatever Anna suggests.
These things happened when you were young and have disregulated your autonomic NS. Your sympathetic NS is on overdrive. I know all the signs, including being in all the sports and feeling wired or over-energized until you’re exhausted.
There is anxiety, and then there is CPTSD-related anxiety. Your body can only run at high idle for so long, before things start to give.
You’ve got to re-regulate this part of your CNS, which includes you vagus nerve. As you do this, (& continue getting counseling/ therapy of course), it will dissipate this anxiety and rage. You’ll feel better, calmer, & it’ll help you get off this gerbil wheel your autonomic NS is stuck on, through no fault of your own. It also means you’ll stop overtaxing your immune system.
1st: Deep diaphragmatic breathing in a 5:5:5 ratio. Just look that up in a search. It’s quick and it actually works. You can even check it with a hr/bp monitor. You can do it anywhere without people even knowing. If I do 2-3 rounds (30-45 seconds), it’s enough to relax me 😮now. It’s biofeedback. You should do it whenever you think about it to retrain your ANS.
2nd, Cold Therapy: This works particularly well if you can submerge your face in a bowl of very cold water for up to a minute.. or however long you can hold your breath. Another way is to take a cold (not icy 🥶) bath and submerge your torso up to the base of your skull for 2 min if you can. Otherwise start shorter and work your way up. Or you can try a cold shower after a warm one, but I’m still unsure if it is as effective. Do any one of those cold therapy methods daily if possible.
The last thing I hope you will consider is taking up Tai Chi, either from TH-cam or classes, whichever is doable. It teaches your body to remember how to be essentially.
For anyone reading who does have any autoimmune related disorders, I urge you to look up Dr Raymond Perrin on TH-cam. He’s an MD from the 🇬🇧. He’s come up with a theory now supported by data, that the origin of many inflammatory & autoimmune disorders, is in fact a malfunctioning lymphatic system. Look up, Perrin’s Lymphatic technique on TH-cam, to see what’s involved. It’s a very gentle manipulation of lymphatic vessels.
To older survivors who may already be ill: You can still do this and improve. You may even be able to go into remission. Like me, it’s just likely going to take longer. If your limited physically, only do what your medical practitioner tells you is safe to do.
That’s all, but it’s very important. I wish everyone well🙂.
Mercy,
Don’t give up. I promise you, you can get through this and come out the other side. It is possible.
Mercy, you are not alone in these feelings, there are many people who can relate! This anger, which is I guess in many times suppressed and then leaks out, it's so difficult to deal with. ❤ Anger comes and doesn't leave when you are in a wrong place somehow, there is something wrong, but you suppress it - and then you act angrily somewhere else. Beneath the anger are the vulnerable and mixed feelings, those which you are not able to tolerate yet when you are in an environment that drains all your energy. I feel for you, and you can do it, make choices you feel take you towards what really empowers you! ❤ Cutting contact towards family or parent isn't an easy question, and there probably isn't a right answer. I felt years ago I just had to do it because my father kept pushing on me in a way that made me very distressed all the time, I couldn't function and was afraid. He put all the responsibility of his troubles on me, saying it's me who has to stop him from killing himself of someone else. That was too much for me, and in your letter you wrote you had felt similar responsibility. You shouldn't, it's too much, and I can understand why you want to break free. But deep inside I still would've wanted to have a good relationship with my father, and after he died, I've been wondering wheter I should've chosen differently. This is a question which is going to hurt either way you choose. Anna suggested a lighter version, not making it a permanent decision, and that's probably a good way to start. You can say you need some time on your own, to build your own life, hopefully they respect that wish. Anger driven decisions aren't good either.
God bless you, Mercy! You have suffered so much and deserve so much better! Please don't give up! You came to the right place, as Anna and this community can really help you! Thank you for writing in to begin your healing journey with us! May you find love here, and in all aspects of your life! There is much work to be done; but I believe you can do it! Keep learning and seeking love and a more fulfilling life for yourself! 😊 We are with you!!
Your encouragement for the letter-writer is so valuable. Thank you for your comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
Mercy we are here for you ❤ you WILL get through this and thrive, all of us will 💕💕
Thanks for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m going through same symptoms. Hang in there. It gets better and you will feel strong as a Lioness when you get through it. Don’t give up
You are here with us all Mercy - sending you a big hug. Sometimes small changes have big positive effect so be hopeful things can change now you've found this channel and your tribe of fellow work in progress people 💪😊Xxx🌿❤
What a kind comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy