I thought I had a great childhood. I had both parents, they had good jobs, we lived in a nice home, had plenty of food, medical, new clothes, we took nice vacations every year and Christmas and birthdays we got many nice presents. They went above and beyond in the physical, but the emotional side was non existent. My parents never really even talked to me other than small talk. If you saw the movie ordinary people the relationship between the mother and son was pretty much the same as I had with both of my parents. I never realized until recently that parents were supposed to connect and teach their kids about life. I thought a parents job was just to pay the bills. I'm 52 and I've struggled in every aspect of life from employment, financial, casual friends, and intimate relationships and I never could understand why. But the more I learn about neglect and attachment I realize that most all my problems had their roots in my childhood. And it's very depressing because the best years of my life are over and I've missed out on so much life
You have soooo Much Love, Luck and Laughter left in you. I can tell your on the right path. Keep up the amazing work. "The power of thoughts can either cause you illness or recovery." Ps. Your not alone
I don't think they are blaming them. Just realizing it was missing. I think they understand their parents didn't have that in their childhoods. Time to break the generational curse. We have the power to heal.
I finally realized at some point that when I learned to be kinder and more compassionate and understanding toward myself, my compassion and understanding toward others improved significantly.
I'm 68 and despite doing sessions with psychologists, etc. nobody has diagnosed childhood emotional neglect. Listening to this talk by Tim Flecher, I just went, WOW! I had " good" parents but had problems in my childhood, adolescent and adult life. Identified 100% with the symptoms Tim Fletcher listed. At 68, what to do now? Well, I suppose its never too late! Thank you Tim Fletcher.
I'm 68 too. I've been in therapy since I was 30 on and off. Mostly off because none of them diagnosed the problem or were able to give me the emotional connection I never had. I'm now very reluctant to pursue any further therapy. Too much bad experience, whatever Tim Fletcher has to say about it. No idea where I go from here. The problem is beyond solving.
@@richardhankins I'm not a psychology therapist, but I've learned recently from one that you could try to search specifically for a "trauma informed therapist". It might not be clear all the time, but therapist can have specialties. Addictology is not going to require the same set of knowledge and skills than couples counseling, for example. And so if you're not sure -- and now that you somehow, thanks to youtube, have the information -- you may ask a therapist on Day1 if they have had specific teachings and trainings regarding Trauma. If Not, of if their answer is too vague, then feel free to decide that this 1st session will be the last. (whether you tell them that or not is up to you.) -> this way you won't have to attach and commit to someone you have too low a probability of helping you ;)
I've listened to ALOT of people in this space. I've listened to alot of your videos. You really understand what people are experiencing. You understand intricately with detail. I've learned ALOT from you. Thank you for these videos.
@@KunalKadu If I may answer here, too. I can recommend the Emotions Anonymous (EA) groups. Here I could learn the trust to open myself in depth to others. Because of the EA rule of not directly responding to what somebody says and the anonymity rule learning this confidence is easier than in the "real" world. Also, the group produces an amazing healing power. Last but not least the EA program taught me the - for me in this form easy to accept - concept of the "higher power", which gives me the biggest relief and confidence when thinking about the things that have gone wrong in my life.
Yeah I was a little bit surprised by how well a few of those lists fit. I guess that means I'm reading too much into things and looking for excuses. Good thing all this stuff is on the internet and, thus, fake and gay.
I have had a lot of big T trauma but I would say the little t trauma has had a lot deeper impact on me than anything else. This nails on why I struggle with the things I do and why I feel so stuck, no matter how hard I push myself. I had a feeling it had to do with my lack of connection. I have been praying specifically about how do I move forward from where I am now. Feels like I was supposed to see this video.
Neglect trauma is devastasted me. How its link with developmental trauma, attachment trauma. And have childhood loneliness, lost father figure, I have no direction in my life. After I confront it, I figure it lately, that there is generational trauma, how my mom grew up in her family, and she invalidated my feeling, that there are other people that feel worse that I am. I feel lost in childhood, adolesence. And prolonged neglected is affect in my adulthood. I feel lost in my life, like adrift in ocean alone.
Narcissists convince themselves, you, and everyone else that their unrealistic expectations of you are "reasonable" and that your reasonable expectations of them are "unrealistic". Every day is Opposite Day in the narcissist's world.
This is literally my wife. She left me. We have been separated for almost a month now. I told her I'm lonely and she said "im sorry you feel that way. It's nice out here to not have anyone nagging me to meet their needs". Then just yesterday her jeep broke down and I got a tow for her and took care of the entire thing and she told me thank you and now she's acting all nice again. She demands all these things of me but she can't even give me basic attention without attacking me, or throwing these psychological daggars out at me. She's so manipulative and she gaslights me constantly. I think I hate her.
OMG this hurts. This hurts so bad. Based on everything she told me, this is my ex. I was dealing with my own brokenness, but her behavior confused and hurt me so badly. I don’t know that having this knowledge would have helped me do better at the time. But it at least is helping me view her with compassion. 🥺
@LoveHerLeaveHerWild, you knew what you were doing. You took full advantage of the situation and used him as a punching bag, and when he finally had enough you sought out pity from others.
yeah i def did this for the same reason. just ghosted i thought to myself that this relationship was bad and it was chains onmy being nd never spoke to her again yet still thought about it. now i literally cant fall in love unless ik shes safe. im starting to understand joe goldberg
I think the emotional neglect is tightly linked to interergenerational trauma. My parents didn't know how to deal with their own emotions, so they had no idea how to deal with mine (and my brothers). I think the (post) ww2 generation had to be strong and emotions could not be there. I'm still dealing with mental health problems and I the last years I now understand that it is because of the emotional neglect. Thanks to research aand people like you that make that knowledge available to us ❤
I live with intense neglect trauma & I always have the TV or music on to fill the space I'm in, or spend a lot of time on social media to escape the emptiness as a form of artificial connection.
Wow. I get it now. I always do this, too. I carry my phone with me always and have something playing on it, from sitcoms to self help videos to religious videos, to keep me company. I used to think it’s because I always want to be learning. But it’s actually because I don’t want to feel lonely. When the phone turns off, I realize just how lonely I am.
My Mother had M.S and was bedridden and my father was a grumpy workaholic, my two siblings were a decade older than myself. I am 59 and I have no blame for my upbringing. Everyone did the best they could at the time…however I have Major depressive disorder and anxious delirium. Suicidal ideation since I was 17 and off and on episodes that take my life from me as I spend it in bed with little productivity. Your videos speak to me and my own experience on a deep level and I believe that you get me more than anyone ever has and I thank you so very much ❤
I use to cry when i heard roommates talking to their mom. I couldn't believe it! I always wanted a mom to talk to like that. I found others to mother me but not the same. Never bonded.
That’s because the ‘bonding’ window happens in a specific time in childhood- once that is gone then the job of parenting ourselves becomes our own. The trauma continues because we’re looking for someone else to do what only WE can do, which is be a good parent to the small version of ourselves that still lives inside us; when we behave as if that child within is not important and worth nurturing then we’re hurting ourselves all over again.
@@Ninsidhe That answers assumes we have that "good parent" inside oursleves. I haven't found him inside myself - and I have spent three years trying to do exactly what you said.
There is also trauma resulting from witnessing decades of abuse. Ie watching one parent being verbally, emotionally abusive to another for years and years. And receiving it as well. Being Parentified by the abused parent. Narcissism rampant in family members. And rage from unempowered siblings and parent. And on and on. Yes I know they’ve loved me the best way they could, and I’ve been healing for nearly 14 years, sober for 10 years, therapy etc. But wow. The consequences are brutal..far-reaching and undeniable. Feeling like you’ve spent your childhood in a minefield shows up physically, mentally, in one’s health, work, isolation, self identity and on and on. With trauma, whether it’s little t or not… doesn’t matter. The results speak for themselves. And Little t trauma in childhood leaves one wide open and vulnerable for experiencing big t trauma.
I identified completely with everything on this video, it's amazing ... I'm tiered of feeling lost and helpless... without knowing for sure what can i do with my life ... But at least now i can pinpoint what was wrong, and that is very helpfull Thanks Tim❤
Thank you Mr. Fletcher, I often watch and follow your input. I think one has also to consider, "repetitive, multiple traumatic experiences" experienced during a whole lifetime, accompanied with higher than normal stress levels amounts to as much impact as a severe Traumatic event.
I resonate with most of these characteristics of neglect, but importantly I learned that my mother and her older sister were on there own at 13 and 15 years old. So this family dysfunction becomes generational past down, my mom was from a wounded and neglected childhood herself. We become enmeshed by the people we spend the most time with. My parents were stingy with there money and sadly it rubbed off onto us, a poor financial conscience always thinking you’re poorer than you really are.
thank you Mr. Fletcher for the enlightening information you provide thru this medium. You are the most compassionate and informative teacher on this subject today! God bless you!
Disgusted with a mother who denied everything she did with a lie and still claims that she loves me. It is absolutely my pleasure to tell her I don't even like her and to shut up and leave me alone. So not sorry finally to tell her that she lies. It's that simple. So sadly necessary to finally say I am sorry I was nice to her.. Doing my part Dropping her like an unwanted child, bc that's that. thanks and yes I'm fiercely independent and dislike needing people. 1 out of ten surprise me.. help me with no condescension. Lovely . Just lovely. Loneliness is normal for me and I also connect with others easily and deeply but only in short doses with no expectations or hopes for anything more. More is an idol and I have no gluttony for more.
Peace be with you, Im a loner as well. So much for blood being thicker than water. She tells you she loves you only because likely she has herself convinced of that. That is what she thinks that is what you want to hear, but you know the truth. Youre OK and give yourself a hug.Youre at peace knowing the truth.
Thank you for these explanations Tim, they truly are life saving. With regards to acknowledging the trauma, over here in the UK, although CPTSD has been recognised since 2019 we are still discouraged from facing the traumatic past. We are constantly told that we are creating a self defeating narrative by acknowledging it and we should find healthier ways of constructing our life story. I recognise that the goal of acknowledging the trauma is not to have an excuse to act badly or be cruel to ourselves and others but we are actively discouraged from taking this step. This, I feel, is a great disservice to the sufferers and the glacial rate of the uptake of CPTSD is a shame on the healing industry in my country. Bless you for helping the message break through!
The wound opened by absence will not be filled; on the other hand, the existing parts will be reshaped to give it the most meaningful response. Thank you Tim.
This video made me cry for my little self, and I don't cry easily. I was given the role of little adult at home and at school. But was 'useless' at things that belong in childhood.. Riding a bike, swimming, having fun, having friends. I was told that no one liked me. Yet as an adult have had lots of good friends. No emotional support from family though ever
Healing is possible,i can confirm without a doubt...I now have the best relationship with God, myself,my parents,my job,collegues etc...its just so amazing....Thanks Mr. Tim Fletcher. God bless you.
I would say I was mostly neglected. Growing up we had a very unstable home, had my grandma and grandpa until i was like 9, then grandma moved across the US because grandpa kept cheating. He worked nights so i would only see him on his way to sleep, while my mom was rarely around unless she was drunk or high on bath salts and god knows what else. This is the only parental validation i ever got, my kom kept my dad in court to pay child support but it all just went straight to her addictions. Now that im older (graduated from college) i would say ive experienced several spirals of fear and shame to the point where i actually caught myself acting highly inconsiderate, rude and aggressive several times and ive burned bridges with most people ive met. Glad theres a resource like this channel to help process this, people dont seem to understand that a household plunged in psychological problems is not trauma-free, i live with such a lack of awareness of others feelings because i never felt validated my whole life and i guess came to accept i had to reflect that energy. I dont want to, i do live with feelings of shame and regret and in a lot of ways i do want revenge, but what i actually want and need is some understanding and support.
I had terrible parents. No question. They were teenagers who hated me for ruining their party time. They tolerated my existence and did the bare minimum. Many of the above qualities are a match for me. My ACE score is 6 and I have other issues to deal with, but I have always felt like I don’t belong anywhere. Makes it hard to even hold a job. I’d love to cure this but I guess it’s life long therapy.
i mean ive had nun to ur extent but defently didnt fit in like an actual outcast a chameleon. what i learnt is figuring out you own open window as if u were a con artist will help u see how uve been manipilated intentionally or not (others amd yourself) to feel worse. now im working towards being a different me and i love it. its everything i want
The shame in me has been in reverse. I thought people outside my family would like me and I did try for decades to initiate friendship. I only worked sort-term. I have been disrespected and dumped by everyone. Nobody wants to stay in touch with me. So it is not 'just' a fear. It is reality. I expected care, love, loyalty and acceptance. I got callous indifference and contempt. I am boring and needy and feel numb inside.
I wonder if the people you’ve reached out to outside your family are truly healthy, safe people, or if they have many of the same unhealthy thoughts & behaviors as some of your family members, and they can’t hide behind their mask for long. Tim’s Lift program is a real eye opener, so helpful & healing. Peace to you 🕊️
thats not excuse for being a complete taker and rarely giving back, which is the point I was making. Society has become very narcissistic. A lot of selfishness I see around me, goes way beyond maintaining healthy boundaries. @@PostalDude_1997
It sounds familiar. Neglecting a a child's needs is bad, but then when the child's requests for support are actively rejected by the parent, it adds another layer of pain on top of the pain of being neglected. Being rejected with belittling or criticism is even more of a betrayal, causing very deep harm to the children.
We just learn to disguise our heartache. When I meet people who are cold and judgemental now it appears obvious to me they are doing their best to hold it together, while frankly feeling miserable.
We all have been impacted by this to greater or lesser degrees. I think it is a universal experience. Nothing is perfect. Recognizing that this affects you, and has been affecting you is immensely insightful.
Spooky. The entire 43:55 was SO true to my life. I love these Friday night talks, Tim knows the subject matter so well. It is so gratifying to have a compete stranger explain your life to you without ever seeing it. This channel has taught me so much about myself. 10/10 !
This is so good to hear. It’s painful too. I’m in my mid 50’s and my kids are in their thirties and we are all under one roof again( thank you God) and I am seeing the generational effects play out in real time. Without Tim and this channel I don’t wanna think of how badly this could go. The growth in myself is noticed by them. They still think I’m crazy and won’t let me share this stuff with them but that’s ok. It only takes one person to affect the dynamics. So grateful to you Tim. Thank you that my children get a different version of me in their lifetime!!!❤🙏
Thank you so much for this video. I have done a lot of therapy. A lot was CBT which did help and I benefitted from that. But the biggest changes came when I had a therapist who guided & nurtured me through all the emotional stuff. Life changing .
This is an absolute gem of a video, Tim. Thank you so much for caring enough to put this knowledge out there. As a 26 year old male, I can relate to almost everything. My mom was a tyrant who physically abused me both in private and in front of others. She was extremely controlling and suffocated me, often by talking to me like I was an imbecile or guilt-tripping me over insignificant religious stuff. My dad was a pushover and had a tangible fear of her, wouldn't ever stand up for himself, and he was also indifferent towards me. I think this gave me a strange mix of feelings: "I'm unimportant and unlovable by default, and I also don't have permission to be myself and form an identity." I seriously wouldn't wish this type of trauma upon anyone. Children deserve to be treated better, with much respect and dignity, even if they are imperfect.
Thats a relief to have some Light over my life situtation.....i can relate to every point you mention....im 36and feel desesperate that nothing seem to work for me
I’m so glad I found your channel a lot resonates with me. I’ve been doing counselling for several months now at 40 the effects on all areas of my life are massive . My parents didn’t have the tools and emotional intelligence to have children and passed on trauma. I look forward now journaling every day and know this is a journey. I do feel great sadness for the effects on my life I’m currently trying to heal myself and my own children but I’m willing to put in the work.
I can pretty much relate to much of what you have said here Tim. Luckily I did realise the neglect and have had much therapy in my life to deal with it. Thank you for putting this together in a video.
0:30 little t trauma / of absence 3:40 chart .. ie secure attachment at every stage of life 5:16 emotional neglect 5:40 3 skills of the parent chart 9:06 Jonice book 10 Adult presentation - of Emotional neglect 1 feeling of emptiness
Yes, I can't depend on others and I never want to be a burden! Yes, as a child I felt very lonely! Now I'm 73, still in good shape, and I don't depend on nobody because there is Nobody!⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ In Germany I have the feeling of Neglect T.; when I am in other countries I am a new person and I don't feel this german Neglect!
I certainly had and has counterdependence. Never thought of that as a result of any trauma. At that time it was felt as a requirement and a plight. As soon as I could I got a job and an own apartment. That moment was my happiest for the time. Since then I have never been dependent on anyone. I was still in good contact with my relatives and visited them sometimes. But it was never expected that I should ask them for help. I had an odd behaviour/lack of ability from childhood to the 20-ties: I could never understand what I should say or do if I got a social offer, like invited to dinner, visit, gift and so on. I always pondered about "should I say yes or no?", "what is expected of me?". I often said no to things that would be good to me as I thought it was just an act of politeness - they didn't wanted me. Generally I didn't understand what was expected of me socially, I couldn't trust what other people said, always suspected that they didn't meant any positive things they said.
@ronihalfon9720....I'm so sorry, hun, I know your pain. I want to share with you that there is someone so much better than our parents, and that's our Father God who says He will never leave us nor forsake us. AMEN🙌 I am SO thankful I have my Father God...LORD JESUS who died a torturous death for me. THAT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that you never have to question.
How are so wise on this subject Tim? I have guilt for feeling all the things you describe. I can't show emotions well. I love people but can't reach out. I can feel unhappy when I see happy families, good parents, and good grandparents. But I can't love myself because I feel such a failure in life. Like I've achieved little. I have a bible hope that keeps me going, but everything I want and need are in the future.
What about your family breaks down around 12 years old? I failed at school, and I was terrified in early childhood. Freezing when I was away from home . Bullied all the way throughout my life. Told that I had no place in the school system, then I couldn't keep a job, and then I got kicked out of home at 15. Alcohol and drugs were my safe place. I hated myself. I also married a narcissistic abusive man.I put myself between them and my kids. Now they blame me! I am 61 years old and have been in counselling for about 4 years now. I'm making progress, but looking after myself is still really hard. I'm even unsure about whether I'm trying to get into the presence of God 😢. So much more to say
I know, so true. The self care seems so...? Because we never had care. It sounds like you are safe now. I hope at least you have a pet? This vid really hit home, oh my gosh. I really think though that the second half of life has become more stable and beautiful. After all, we made it this far, it's time to enjoy the sunshine 🌞💛🌞
I feel what you're saying here & have had similar expereinces. I don't know you all, but I'm proud of all trauma survivors to take action to heal themselves, so keep up the good work. 💖
Me too, you will break through just hang in. It gets better. I’m on the other side still getting the healing . God will restore you. Praying for your restoration 🙏🏾
We heal by learning to love and value ourselves...we start over again in each moment...to heal with safe people and communities...we need the healthy connection...The journey is challenging ..yet once we are on it...we will always be aware to place energy in it ...even if we fall off the wagon..we get back on as soon as possible...
I agree… heart breaking consequences. I parented my divorced parents since I can remember. 🙂↔️ Thank goodness TH-cam recommended Tim’s channel. Loving his easy to understand approach & helpful advice. Watching you Tim from Perth Western Australia ❤
Wow this is so amazing! Finally some information that helps you make sense of what you’re feeling and going through. Thank you so much for your teaching
I had a wonderful childhood but both of my parents never truly showed emotion or empathy towards me. In fact, I don't think I ever remember them telling me that they loved me or show affection towards me.. I never heard they were proud of me, it was always like you can improve better next time. Which 30 years later, made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I was never enough
Yep, this has been my lifelong story. Thank God Jesus showed me His unconditional love. It has healed some deep wounds that no one else could heal. Definitely felt like I was dropped off from another planet and always felt like I was on the outside looking in(always suspected I have Asperger’s but now I’m wondering how much of that is true and how much is CPTSD).
I was adopted from Costa Rica by a blind single missionary . Things are rising, like not being seen, loneliness isolation mistrust . Lack of being able to bond except to my kids. I definitely have attachment issues .
I only realised about two years ago in my 60s that I had trauma from emotional neglect. I have about 98% of the issues that Tim read out. Life's hard but I'm stoic. Luckily my children had everything I didn't and are loved and they know it. I knew children had to be shown love, and as a child I wanted to have children to undo the wrongs that had been done to me. No cuddles, no kisses, no playing with my parents ever, never told I was loved, constantly criticized, shamed and scolded. Trauma has affected my whole life, from relationships to work. I know I can't feel emotional. I almost never cry and if I do I cry alone. I feel shame and weak for having cried. Being alone or with my children or fantastic friends is my solace. I don't want new people in my life, it's too exhausting.
Described me to a 't.' Many caring fathers may feel that one of their primary roles in meeting a child's needs is to set an example - to model strength, independence, determination, self-reliance, competence and self-confidence. I think this was true of my own father, who was a devoted family man and a constant, stable presence. I too believe in cultivating those character traits. But I can't say I really knew or understood my father, or how he felt about me. So much was lost.
HOMICIDAL Rage and SUICIDAL grief consume every cell of my being. BELOW ARE SIGNS OF A TRAUMA BONDED RELATIONSHIP, THAT IS SURELY DESTINED TO END IN PAIN AND MISERY: 1. Your relationship is solely about the romantic pull 2. You don't like their friends 3. You spend too much time together 4. Your relationship feels one-sided 5. You feel controlled 6. You can't FULLY be yourself around them 7. You don't feel COMPLETELY accepted 8. You fight all the time 9. You don't trust each other 10. They're regularly mean to other people 11. They're passive aggressive 12. The timing isn't right REMEMBER: Some people will leave you, it's not the ending of your story, it's just the ending of their role, in your story. ('Cause life goes on...)
I was 5th of 7 children born in 10 years. Children 3 and 4 were less than a year apart. 18 months later, children 5 (me) and 6 were born less than a year apart. My parents were decent(ish) people, but there is simply no way for low income parents to provide all the attentional needs of 7 children. My dad was outside the home trying to provide adequate income for basic needs. My mom was alone caring for "all the needs" of 7 children. I sat in dirty diapers often. As an infant, my cries of hunger fell behind my (more) infant brother's. My parents had no time to hug us or squat down and speak with us or play with us. They kept us clothed and housed and fed, which is admirable. But, neglect happened, for sure.
The "instinct to deny or minimize" that Tim talks about is a key factor in the dissociation and cognitive dissonance that emotional neglect causes. We have been taught to think that if we admit we were neglect, that equals having terrible parents. Truthfull, the two are not mutually exclusive. One does not equate the other. They exists separately. And the idea that parents may have preopogared or tried to encourage that "life is all good" is part of what caused the pain because it Denys the hurtful aspect s and experiences of growing up. We have to learn to acknowledge for lhrselves the painful parts of childhood. But aknowledgig the bad does NOT take away the good. Healthy, regulated people learn in childhood how to hold both the idea that things were good and at other times they were bad. Holding the And Possibility- instead of it having. To be one way or the other. In fact, this type of black and white thinking and catastrophizing that it must've been "all bad" - is in and of itself a hallmark of mental disorder and trauma... the inability to comprehend or hold grey areas. The kind wants to split and thin it was all one way or another. It seems obvious- but this type of thinking is often at the foundation of the distress and dysfunction behind trauma and emotional neglect- because it is so fundamental to our way of viewing thte world. Once we can open up and see that by accepting the bad, it doesn't mean we take away the good.. AND also, it doesn't mean that it wa small bad or that our parents were bad. Parents can do their best and children can still have not had needs met- both can exist at the same Time. Realizing this is the beginning of unwinding the cognitive dissonance and distorted beliefs that underlie thought patterns for many with childhood trauma..
I loved my children soooo much as they were growing up. I wanted the best for them. I only wanted to be a good mom. But I was raised with emotionally absent parents - who provided for all my physical needs. We went on holidays, had company over lots etc etc. But no emotional connection and lots of anger… I wanted to be different as a parent. But I didn’t know about my blind spots and missed the precious opportunities to emotionally nurture my children. They are grown now and I see the hurt in their lives. How can I get past this???? 😢
There is this thought in my head , you're pothetic , you're pothetic look at you... Look at everyone else your age some met only one person and married them... Some have long term real friendships, some have wonderful familly you have none of this you failed in all your relationships you're going to end up alone. You'll keep watching ppl your age happy in their marriages and kids while you keep watching crying because you are broken inside 💔
Unfortunately all 10 of these are me. Growing up in a Domestic V house I swore that no one would ever lay a hand on me. I kept that promise but spent my early life making very poor choices until I fell pregnant at 24. A single parent. My son was my saviour. He and my daughter are what kept me alive. They gave me a purpose. So, here I am now aged 55. A year ago my son announces he’s getting married. I become totally overwhelmed with emotion that he has achieved everything I could have wished for him, but I was stuck. I’ve done my job. I had raised 2 well adjusted children and only then admitted to myself that I had to confront my traumatic upbringing and admit I had depression. The 40 year suppression of my depression was necessary to deal with all of continuous dysfunction of extended family.
Neglect trauma happens when a narcissist tricks you into getting married and then 4 weeks later withholds sex and affection and everything a woman needs
I have understand in later years that being separated from my mother when 3 weeks old and moved to my grandmother in another country, then moved back to my mother at 4 years old was not good for my mental health. Adding to that isolation from other kids until ca 6 years old. And although well taken care of in many aspects I missed intimacy and love. I still have had a relatively good life, although with long periods of depression. I had employment all the time in a profession I really liked and eventually got married for 37 years until my wife died. Today I am still healthy, have a good economy, live in a house that I like and have cats that I enjoy immensly. But it is a bit lonely.
Wow. I’ve never been described more accurately in my entire 60 years.
Me, ..also
I feel the same, at 70.
I thought I had a great childhood. I had both parents, they had good jobs, we lived in a nice home, had plenty of food, medical, new clothes, we took nice vacations every year and Christmas and birthdays we got many nice presents. They went above and beyond in the physical, but the emotional side was non existent. My parents never really even talked to me other than small talk. If you saw the movie ordinary people the relationship between the mother and son was pretty much the same as I had with both of my parents. I never realized until recently that parents were supposed to connect and teach their kids about life. I thought a parents job was just to pay the bills. I'm 52 and I've struggled in every aspect of life from employment, financial, casual friends, and intimate relationships and I never could understand why. But the more I learn about neglect and attachment I realize that most all my problems had their roots in my childhood. And it's very depressing because the best years of my life are over and I've missed out on so much life
never to late...heal and thrive...connect...to others who are serious about healing...
You have soooo Much Love, Luck and Laughter left in you. I can tell your on the right path. Keep up the amazing work.
"The power of thoughts can either cause you illness or recovery."
Ps. Your not alone
I don't see anyone blaming....@@genol.depello7274
If you got r@ped I'm sure you'd take personal responsibility...@@genol.depello7274
I don't think they are blaming them. Just realizing it was missing. I think they understand their parents didn't have that in their childhoods. Time to break the generational curse. We have the power to heal.
I finally realized at some point that when I learned to be kinder and more compassionate and understanding toward myself, my compassion and understanding toward others improved significantly.
That's it exactly. x
It's a little bit relief that there's a reason for all weird feelings and stupid life mistakes
I'm 68 and despite doing sessions with psychologists, etc. nobody has diagnosed childhood emotional neglect. Listening to this talk by Tim Flecher, I just went, WOW! I had " good" parents but had problems in my childhood, adolescent and adult life. Identified 100% with the symptoms Tim Fletcher listed. At 68, what to do now? Well, I suppose its never too late! Thank you Tim Fletcher.
I'm 68 too. I've been in therapy since I was 30 on and off. Mostly off because none of them diagnosed the problem or were able to give me the emotional connection I never had.
I'm now very reluctant to pursue any further therapy. Too much bad experience, whatever Tim Fletcher has to say about it. No idea where I go from here. The problem is beyond solving.
@@richardhankins I'm not a psychology therapist, but I've learned recently from one that you could try to search specifically for a "trauma informed therapist".
It might not be clear all the time, but therapist can have specialties. Addictology is not going to require the same set of knowledge and skills than couples counseling, for example.
And so if you're not sure -- and now that you somehow, thanks to youtube, have the information -- you may ask a therapist on Day1 if they have had specific teachings and trainings regarding Trauma.
If Not, of if their answer is too vague, then feel free to decide that this 1st session will be the last. (whether you tell them that or not is up to you.)
-> this way you won't have to attach and commit to someone you have too low a probability of helping you ;)
I've listened to ALOT of people in this space. I've listened to alot of your videos. You really understand what people are experiencing. You understand intricately with detail. I've learned ALOT from you. Thank you for these videos.
I feel the same.
any recovery methods you are using?
@@KunalKadu If I may answer here, too. I can recommend the Emotions Anonymous (EA) groups. Here I could learn the trust to open myself in depth to others. Because of the EA rule of not directly responding to what somebody says and the anonymity rule learning this confidence is easier than in the "real" world.
Also, the group produces an amazing healing power.
Last but not least the EA program taught me the - for me in this form easy to accept - concept of the "higher power", which gives me the biggest relief and confidence when thinking about the things that have gone wrong in my life.
As usual, I aced the list. Never do things half-way.
😅
Same! If I can't get 10/10 then why even try.
@bennycarter5249 that's me.
@@bennycarter5249 😂
Yeah I was a little bit surprised by how well a few of those lists fit.
I guess that means I'm reading too much into things and looking for excuses. Good thing all this stuff is on the internet and, thus, fake and gay.
7 minutes in, you describe exactly what my mom couldn't do ever since I was born and I grew into a toddler. That's shocking.
I have had a lot of big T trauma but I would say the little t trauma has had a lot deeper impact on me than anything else. This nails on why I struggle with the things I do and why I feel so stuck, no matter how hard I push myself. I had a feeling it had to do with my lack of connection. I have been praying specifically about how do I move forward from where I am now. Feels like I was supposed to see this video.
Neglect trauma is devastasted me. How its link with developmental trauma, attachment trauma. And have childhood loneliness, lost father figure, I have no direction in my life. After I confront it, I figure it lately, that there is generational trauma, how my mom grew up in her family, and she invalidated my feeling, that there are other people that feel worse that I am. I feel lost in childhood, adolesence. And prolonged neglected is affect in my adulthood. I feel lost in my life, like adrift in ocean alone.
On point about how you feel. Sorry it happened to you. Please find out how to get better. You deserve to experience good in your life.
Can identify with being adrift - I feel that too. It's like no matter which direction I row (life raft), there is nothing but emptiness.
Wow! Unrealistic self appraisal. I had both not feeling good enough and sometimes feeling superior.
Me too. Its a weird mix, and another thing to feel ashamed of
@@latasha9898true
Narcissists convince themselves, you, and everyone else that their unrealistic expectations of you are "reasonable" and that your reasonable expectations of them are "unrealistic". Every day is Opposite Day in the narcissist's world.
💯🎯
Its always backwards day.
Bizarro World.
But... up IS down... didn't you hear?
This is literally my wife. She left me. We have been separated for almost a month now. I told her I'm lonely and she said "im sorry you feel that way. It's nice out here to not have anyone nagging me to meet their needs". Then just yesterday her jeep broke down and I got a tow for her and took care of the entire thing and she told me thank you and now she's acting all nice again. She demands all these things of me but she can't even give me basic attention without attacking me, or throwing these psychological daggars out at me. She's so manipulative and she gaslights me constantly. I think I hate her.
OMG this hurts. This hurts so bad. Based on everything she told me, this is my ex. I was dealing with my own brokenness, but her behavior confused and hurt me so badly. I don’t know that having this knowledge would have helped me do better at the time. But it at least is helping me view her with compassion. 🥺
I hope my ex can view me with the same compassion you speak of. I fear he hates me. I know I hurt him. It took me over a decade to understand why.
@LoveHerLeaveHerWild, you knew what you were doing. You took full advantage of the situation and used him as a punching bag, and when he finally had enough you sought out pity from others.
yeah i def did this for the same reason. just ghosted i thought to myself that this relationship was bad and it was chains onmy being nd never spoke to her again yet still thought about it. now i literally cant fall in love unless ik shes safe. im starting to understand joe goldberg
I think the emotional neglect is tightly linked to interergenerational trauma. My parents didn't know how to deal with their own emotions, so they had no idea how to deal with mine (and my brothers). I think the (post) ww2 generation had to be strong and emotions could not be there. I'm still dealing with mental health problems and I the last years I now understand that it is because of the emotional neglect. Thanks to research aand people like you that make that knowledge available to us ❤
This is the answer.
I live with intense neglect trauma & I always have the TV or music on to fill the space I'm in, or spend a lot of time on social media to escape the emptiness as a form of artificial connection.
Wow. I get it now. I always do this, too. I carry my phone with me always and have something playing on it, from sitcoms to self help videos to religious videos, to keep me company. I used to think it’s because I always want to be learning. But it’s actually because I don’t want to feel lonely. When the phone turns off, I realize just how lonely I am.
It's also a safe form of artificial connection because interacting with people can be awful & triggering. @@Ana-rb7ws
Same here. I have to have something on all the time when home and when i'm trying to sleep. I can't stand the silence, or where my thoughts go.
oh ok wow, this is specifically eye-opening...
My Mother had M.S and was bedridden and my father was a grumpy workaholic, my two siblings were a decade older than myself. I am 59 and I have no blame for my upbringing. Everyone did the best they could at the time…however I have Major depressive disorder and anxious delirium. Suicidal ideation since I was 17 and off and on episodes that take my life from me as I spend it in bed with little productivity. Your videos speak to me and my own experience on a deep level and I believe that you get me more than anyone ever has and I thank you so very much ❤
I use to cry when i heard roommates talking to their mom. I couldn't believe it! I always wanted a mom to talk to like that. I found others to mother me but not the same. Never bonded.
That’s because the ‘bonding’ window happens in a specific time in childhood- once that is gone then the job of parenting ourselves becomes our own. The trauma continues because we’re looking for someone else to do what only WE can do, which is be a good parent to the small version of ourselves that still lives inside us; when we behave as if that child within is not important and worth nurturing then we’re hurting ourselves all over again.
@@Ninsidhe That answers assumes we have that "good parent" inside oursleves. I haven't found him inside myself - and I have spent three years trying to do exactly what you said.
Same. Never bonded.
There is also trauma resulting from witnessing decades of abuse. Ie watching one parent being verbally, emotionally abusive to another for years and years. And receiving it as well. Being Parentified by the abused parent. Narcissism rampant in family members. And rage from unempowered siblings and parent. And on and on. Yes I know they’ve loved me the best way they could, and I’ve been healing for nearly 14 years, sober for 10 years, therapy etc. But wow. The consequences are brutal..far-reaching and undeniable. Feeling like you’ve spent your childhood in a minefield shows up physically, mentally, in one’s health, work, isolation, self identity and on and on.
With trauma, whether it’s little t or not… doesn’t matter. The results speak for themselves.
And Little t trauma in childhood leaves one wide open and vulnerable for experiencing big t trauma.
❤
Me to a " T " .... Never knew how much was put on my plate from 14-21
I want to give you a hug, Tim Fletcher. Thank you.
I remember feeling so empty and sad and wounded as a child and wondering how could i feel that way when nothing too bad was happening..
right. js out of nowhere for "no good reason"
Yes me to I didn't realize how bad it was til I had my own kids.
All of the above and for a time i was high functioning. Now not so much. Overachiever when young and underachiever as an adult.
This is me in a nutshell…
I identified completely with everything on this video, it's amazing ... I'm tiered of feeling lost and helpless... without knowing for sure what can i do with my life ... But at least now i can pinpoint what was wrong, and that is very helpfull
Thanks Tim❤
Thank you Mr. Fletcher, I often watch and follow your input. I think one has also to consider, "repetitive, multiple traumatic experiences" experienced during a whole lifetime, accompanied with higher than normal stress levels amounts to as much impact as a severe Traumatic event.
This trauma is the root of most of my devastations in my life and I wasn't able to realize it until recently.
I resonate with most of these characteristics of neglect, but importantly I learned that my mother and her older sister were on there own at 13 and 15 years old. So this family dysfunction becomes generational past down, my mom was from a wounded and neglected childhood herself.
We become enmeshed by the people we spend the most time with. My parents were stingy with there money and sadly it rubbed off onto us, a poor financial conscience always thinking you’re poorer than you really are.
Scarcity that wasn't really there, yes same
thank you Mr. Fletcher for the enlightening information you provide thru this medium. You are the most compassionate and informative teacher on this subject today! God bless you!
Disgusted with a mother who denied everything she did with a lie and still claims that she loves me.
It is absolutely my pleasure to tell her I don't even like her and to shut up and leave me alone. So not sorry finally to tell her that she lies. It's that simple.
So sadly necessary to finally say I am sorry I was nice to her..
Doing my part
Dropping her like an unwanted child, bc that's that. thanks and yes I'm fiercely independent and dislike needing people. 1 out of ten surprise me.. help me with no condescension. Lovely .
Just lovely.
Loneliness is normal for me and I also connect with others easily and deeply but only in short doses with no expectations or hopes for anything more. More is an idol and I have no gluttony for more.
I can relate! Hang in there bcoz you're not alone
Peace be with you, Im a loner as well. So much for blood being thicker than water. She tells you she loves you only because likely she has herself convinced of that. That is what she thinks that is what you want to hear, but you know the truth. Youre OK and give yourself a hug.Youre at peace knowing the truth.
Read untethered soul by micheal singer
@@teresahopemiller1008 Oh how life would be so different if parental narcissistic abuse wasn’t labelled as "love..."
Thank you for these explanations Tim, they truly are life saving. With regards to acknowledging the trauma, over here in the UK, although CPTSD has been recognised since 2019 we are still discouraged from facing the traumatic past. We are constantly told that we are creating a self defeating narrative by acknowledging it and we should find healthier ways of constructing our life story. I recognise that the goal of acknowledging the trauma is not to have an excuse to act badly or be cruel to ourselves and others but we are actively discouraged from taking this step. This, I feel, is a great disservice to the sufferers and the glacial rate of the uptake of CPTSD is a shame on the healing industry in my country. Bless you for helping the message break through!
I didn't know about this. Now i understand myself better. But at 75 there's slim hope for much improvement. My goose is cooked.
Well... Seems I have a little bit of "big T" trauma, and a lot of "little t" trauma. Thank you for the information 😊
The wound opened by absence will not be filled; on the other hand, the existing parts will be reshaped to give it the most meaningful response. Thank you Tim.
This video made me cry for my little self, and I don't cry easily. I was given the role of little adult at home and at school. But was 'useless' at things that belong in childhood.. Riding a bike, swimming, having fun, having friends. I was told that no one liked me. Yet as an adult have had lots of good friends. No emotional support from family though ever
This is me. Fully on point. It’s the reality of life. There is actually a name for this?!? Hmm, interesting.
Healing is possible,i can confirm without a doubt...I now have the best relationship with God, myself,my parents,my job,collegues etc...its just so amazing....Thanks Mr. Tim Fletcher. God bless you.
You healed by only watching his videos? That would be amazing.
Yea. God. The shizophrenic Imaginare friend appaering in everywhere. Best times
The king is back with another video 🙏🏻🖤
I know right, I just discovered him and I resonate and really need to hear the depth of this topic more
He is a gift!! I found him two years ago and i have watched almost every video now.😁 lol.@@NE0Nwhip
I would say I was mostly neglected. Growing up we had a very unstable home, had my grandma and grandpa until i was like 9, then grandma moved across the US because grandpa kept cheating. He worked nights so i would only see him on his way to sleep, while my mom was rarely around unless she was drunk or high on bath salts and god knows what else. This is the only parental validation i ever got, my kom kept my dad in court to pay child support but it all just went straight to her addictions. Now that im older (graduated from college) i would say ive experienced several spirals of fear and shame to the point where i actually caught myself acting highly inconsiderate, rude and aggressive several times and ive burned bridges with most people ive met. Glad theres a resource like this channel to help process this, people dont seem to understand that a household plunged in psychological problems is not trauma-free, i live with such a lack of awareness of others feelings because i never felt validated my whole life and i guess came to accept i had to reflect that energy. I dont want to, i do live with feelings of shame and regret and in a lot of ways i do want revenge, but what i actually want and need is some understanding and support.
That's me all over. It's the best explanation of emotional neglect that I've ever received. Thanks for the validation and information.
This explains SO much!!!! My childhood makes sense through this lens.
I had terrible parents. No question. They were teenagers who hated me for ruining their party time. They tolerated my existence and did the bare minimum. Many of the above qualities are a match for me. My ACE score is 6 and I have other issues to deal with, but I have always felt like I don’t belong anywhere. Makes it hard to even hold a job. I’d love to cure this but I guess it’s life long therapy.
i mean ive had nun to ur extent but defently didnt fit in like an actual outcast a chameleon. what i learnt is figuring out you own open window as if u were a con artist will help u see how uve been manipilated intentionally or not (others amd yourself) to feel worse. now im working towards being a different me and i love it. its everything i want
The shame in me has been in reverse. I thought people outside my family would like me and I did try for decades to initiate friendship. I only worked sort-term. I have been disrespected and dumped by everyone. Nobody wants to stay in touch with me. So it is not 'just' a fear. It is reality. I expected care, love, loyalty and acceptance. I got callous indifference and contempt. I am boring and needy and feel numb inside.
I wonder if the people you’ve reached out to outside your family are truly healthy, safe people, or if they have many of the same unhealthy thoughts & behaviors as some of your family members, and they can’t hide behind their mask for long. Tim’s Lift program is a real eye opener, so helpful & healing. Peace to you 🕊️
Most people are selfish. They put their own needs first, and when you have a deep rooted need for care and compassion, it's difficult to deal with.
thats not excuse for being a complete taker and rarely giving back, which is the point I was making. Society has become very narcissistic. A lot of selfishness I see around me, goes way beyond maintaining healthy boundaries. @@PostalDude_1997
How about when a child constantly come to parents and is ignored and worse ridiculed, belittled and dismissed...that was my experience.
That is emotional abuse, bullying. Why do you think your parents decided to have children? How were they treated as children themselves?
@@sanataj yes,they had a hard time as kids and were young in wartime, i dont blame them, but they have made my life difficult
It sounds familiar. Neglecting a a child's needs is bad, but then when the child's requests for support are actively rejected by the parent, it adds another layer of pain on top of the pain of being neglected. Being rejected with belittling or criticism is even more of a betrayal, causing very deep harm to the children.
Yes, that was my experience as well
We just learn to disguise our heartache. When I meet people who are cold and judgemental now it appears obvious to me they are doing their best to hold it together, while frankly feeling miserable.
We all have been impacted by this to greater or lesser degrees. I think it is a universal experience. Nothing is perfect. Recognizing that this affects you, and has been affecting you is immensely insightful.
Tim if you read these comments im extremely grateful for all the stuff you share here
Spooky. The entire 43:55 was SO true to my life. I love these Friday night talks, Tim knows the subject matter so well. It is so gratifying to have a compete stranger explain your life to you without ever seeing it. This channel has taught me so much about myself. 10/10 !
Me and my sisters all suffer from different types of childhood trauma but, each of us I hear in this presentation today 😢
What good is knowing all this especially late in the game. I was an orphan and NEVER was held by my burth mother...Therapy is so expensive!
This is so good to hear. It’s painful too. I’m in my mid 50’s and my kids are in their thirties and we are all under one roof again( thank you God) and I am seeing the generational effects play out in real time. Without Tim and this channel I don’t wanna think of how badly this could go. The growth in myself is noticed by them. They still think I’m crazy and won’t let me share this stuff with them but that’s ok. It only takes one person to affect the dynamics. So grateful to you Tim. Thank you that my children get a different version of me in their lifetime!!!❤🙏
I think it is about being interested in the child and having eye contact once in a while and reciprocity.
Interest versus neglect.
That is definitely part of it. 🙏
To be honesy I still cannot comprehend the term "emotional need"
This answered every question I've ever had about why I am the way i am. Thank you for this information.
I am just discovering your videos. They are all so fantastic. Your way of describing the effects trauma is nothing short of amazing.
Thank you so much for this video. I have done a lot of therapy. A lot was CBT which did help and I benefitted from that. But the biggest changes came when I had a therapist who guided & nurtured me through all the emotional stuff. Life changing .
This is an absolute gem of a video, Tim. Thank you so much for caring enough to put this knowledge out there.
As a 26 year old male, I can relate to almost everything. My mom was a tyrant who physically abused me both in private and in front of others. She was extremely controlling and suffocated me, often by talking to me like I was an imbecile or guilt-tripping me over insignificant religious stuff. My dad was a pushover and had a tangible fear of her, wouldn't ever stand up for himself, and he was also indifferent towards me.
I think this gave me a strange mix of feelings: "I'm unimportant and unlovable by default, and I also don't have permission to be myself and form an identity."
I seriously wouldn't wish this type of trauma upon anyone.
Children deserve to be treated better, with much respect and dignity, even if they are imperfect.
I totally understand you. Its horrible not to experience real love as a child
Wow! You actually know what you're talking about. I wish I watched this 10 years ago
I wish I had watched it 40 years ago. 🙂 The accuracy and completeness in describing my sufferings are outstanding.
Thats a relief to have some Light over my life situtation.....i can relate to every point you mention....im 36and feel desesperate that nothing seem to work for me
I’m so glad I found your channel a lot resonates with me. I’ve been doing counselling for several months now at 40 the effects on all areas of my life are massive . My parents didn’t have the tools and emotional intelligence to have children and passed on trauma. I look forward now journaling every day and know this is a journey. I do feel great sadness for the effects on my life I’m currently trying to heal myself and my own children but I’m willing to put in the work.
I can pretty much relate to much of what you have said here Tim. Luckily I did realise the neglect and have had much therapy in my life to deal with it. Thank you for putting this together in a video.
0:30 little t trauma / of absence 3:40 chart .. ie secure attachment at every stage of life 5:16 emotional neglect 5:40 3 skills of the parent chart 9:06 Jonice book 10 Adult presentation - of Emotional neglect 1 feeling of emptiness
Yes, I can't depend on others and I never want to be a burden! Yes, as a child I felt very lonely! Now I'm 73, still in good shape, and I don't depend on nobody because there is Nobody!⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
In Germany I have the feeling of Neglect T.; when I am in other countries I am a new person and I don't feel this german Neglect!
isn't it interesting ....we can still think there is nobody.....
I certainly had and has counterdependence. Never thought of that as a result of any trauma. At that time it was felt as a requirement and a plight. As soon as I could I got a job and an own apartment. That moment was my happiest for the time.
Since then I have never been dependent on anyone. I was still in good contact with my relatives and visited them sometimes. But it was never expected that I should ask them for help.
I had an odd behaviour/lack of ability from childhood to the 20-ties: I could never understand what I should say or do if I got a social offer, like invited to dinner, visit, gift and so on. I always pondered about "should I say yes or no?", "what is expected of me?".
I often said no to things that would be good to me as I thought it was just an act of politeness - they didn't wanted me.
Generally I didn't understand what was expected of me socially, I couldn't trust what other people said, always suspected that they didn't meant any positive things they said.
Thank you so much Sir for your videos. It is nice to know that that there are people like you out there that really do understand.
Im 46 and I never felt happinnes or connected it is so painful....the neglect was so deep that I dont feel my self....
@ronihalfon9720....I'm so sorry, hun, I know your pain. I want to share with you that there is someone so much better than our parents, and that's our Father God who says He will never leave us nor forsake us. AMEN🙌 I am SO thankful I have my Father God...LORD JESUS who died a torturous death for me. THAT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that you never have to question.
Oh this is really sad for me. ❤❤❤ That was difficult to hear.❤❤❤ thank you ❤❤❤ awwww.
How are so wise on this subject Tim? I have guilt for feeling all the things you describe. I can't show emotions well. I love people but can't reach out. I can feel unhappy when I see happy families, good parents, and good grandparents. But I can't love myself because I feel such a failure in life. Like I've achieved little. I have a bible hope that keeps me going, but everything I want and need are in the future.
What about your family breaks down around 12 years old? I failed at school, and I was terrified in early childhood. Freezing when I was away from home . Bullied all the way throughout my life. Told that I had no place in the school system, then I couldn't keep a job, and then I got kicked out of home at 15. Alcohol and drugs were my safe place. I hated myself. I also married a narcissistic abusive man.I put myself between them and my kids. Now they blame me! I am 61 years old and have been in counselling for about 4 years now. I'm making progress, but looking after myself is still really hard. I'm even unsure about whether I'm trying to get into the presence of God 😢. So much more to say
I know, so true. The self care seems so...? Because we never had care. It sounds like you are safe now. I hope at least you have a pet? This vid really hit home, oh my gosh. I really think though that the second half of life has become more stable and beautiful. After all, we made it this far, it's time to enjoy the sunshine 🌞💛🌞
I feel what you're saying here & have had similar expereinces. I don't know you all, but I'm proud of all trauma survivors to take action to heal themselves, so keep up the good work. 💖
Me too, you will break through just hang in. It gets better. I’m on the other side still getting the healing . God will restore you. Praying for your restoration 🙏🏾
We heal by learning to love and value ourselves...we start over again in each moment...to heal with safe people and communities...we need the healthy connection...The journey is challenging ..yet once we are on it...we will always be aware to place energy in it ...even if we fall off the wagon..we get back on as soon as possible...
God loves you to be in His presence. Jesus paid the price for you ❤️
U are amazing....all of ur videos are amazing, i wish i could bring all the people on earth to ur channel
Thank you for what you do ❤❤
A wonderful and much needed look at neglect. Thank You ❤
I agree… heart breaking consequences. I parented my divorced parents since I can remember. 🙂↔️ Thank goodness TH-cam recommended Tim’s channel. Loving his easy to understand approach & helpful advice. Watching you Tim from Perth Western Australia ❤
Wow this is so amazing! Finally some information that helps you make sense of what you’re feeling and going through. Thank you so much for your teaching
I had a wonderful childhood but both of my parents never truly showed emotion or empathy towards me. In fact, I don't think I ever remember them telling me that they loved me or show affection towards me.. I never heard they were proud of me, it was always like you can improve better next time. Which 30 years later, made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I was never enough
I did a self assessment. Thank you for the insight.
Yep, this has been my lifelong story. Thank God Jesus showed me His unconditional love. It has healed some deep wounds that no one else could heal. Definitely felt like I was dropped off from another planet and always felt like I was on the outside looking in(always suspected I have Asperger’s but now I’m wondering how much of that is true and how much is CPTSD).
I started to cry 5 minutes in, and I'm 59 yrs old.
I was adopted from Costa Rica by a blind single missionary . Things are rising, like not being seen, loneliness isolation mistrust . Lack of being able to bond except to my kids. I definitely have attachment issues .
I felt great staying alone, and yet I was heavily neglected. Because the dynamics between the other membes of my family were upsetting to me.
This is the most accurate description of what I have been going through thanks for the info 🎉
Extremely helpful! I started crying 😢
This helped me a lot to understand myself better, although I have been analyzing my trauma outcomes already for a long time. Many thanks!
Some of us should not have gotten married or had kids at the time we did. But this gives a lot of hope!
Self compassion ❤
I’ve never been able to put this into works. All of it resonates.
I only realised about two years ago in my 60s that I had trauma from emotional neglect. I have about 98% of the issues that Tim read out.
Life's hard but I'm stoic. Luckily my children had everything I didn't and are loved and they know it. I knew children had to be shown love, and as a child I wanted to have children to undo the wrongs that had been done to me. No cuddles, no kisses, no playing with my parents ever, never told I was loved, constantly criticized, shamed and scolded.
Trauma has affected my whole life, from relationships to work. I know I can't feel emotional. I almost never cry and if I do I cry alone. I feel shame and weak for having cried.
Being alone or with my children or fantastic friends is my solace. I don't want new people in my life, it's too exhausting.
Wow…I resonated with this video so much
everything in this video is about me and im crying rn
Described me to a 't.' Many caring fathers may feel that one of their primary roles in meeting a child's needs is to set an example - to model strength, independence, determination, self-reliance, competence and self-confidence. I think this was true of my own father, who was a devoted family man and a constant, stable presence. I too believe in cultivating those character traits. But I can't say I really knew or understood my father, or how he felt about me. So much was lost.
HOMICIDAL Rage and SUICIDAL grief
consume every cell of my being.
BELOW ARE SIGNS OF A TRAUMA BONDED RELATIONSHIP,
THAT IS SURELY DESTINED TO END IN PAIN AND MISERY:
1. Your relationship is solely about the romantic pull
2. You don't like their friends
3. You spend too much time together
4. Your relationship feels one-sided
5. You feel controlled
6. You can't FULLY be yourself around them
7. You don't feel COMPLETELY accepted
8. You fight all the time
9. You don't trust each other
10. They're regularly mean to other people
11. They're passive aggressive
12. The timing isn't right
REMEMBER:
Some people will leave you, it's not the ending of your story,
it's just the ending of their role, in your story. ('Cause life goes on...)
Big T Trauma and Little t trauma is the difference between being fed poison and being malnourished both are tragic.
I think you're an Angel
Excellent!! Thank you, sir!!
I was 5th of 7 children born in 10 years. Children 3 and 4 were less than a year apart. 18 months later, children 5 (me) and 6 were born less than a year apart. My parents were decent(ish) people, but there is simply no way for low income parents to provide all the attentional needs of 7 children. My dad was outside the home trying to provide adequate income for basic needs. My mom was alone caring for "all the needs" of 7 children. I sat in dirty diapers often. As an infant, my cries of hunger fell behind my (more) infant brother's. My parents had no time to hug us or squat down and speak with us or play with us. They kept us clothed and housed and fed, which is admirable. But, neglect happened, for sure.
The "instinct to deny or minimize" that Tim talks about is a key factor in the dissociation and cognitive dissonance that emotional neglect causes. We have been taught to think that if we admit we were neglect, that equals having terrible parents. Truthfull, the two are not mutually exclusive. One does not equate the other. They exists separately. And the idea that parents may have preopogared or tried to encourage that "life is all good" is part of what caused the pain because it Denys the hurtful aspect s and experiences of growing up. We have to learn to acknowledge for lhrselves the painful parts of childhood. But aknowledgig the bad does NOT take away the good. Healthy, regulated people learn in childhood how to hold both the idea that things were good and at other times they were bad. Holding the And Possibility- instead of it having. To be one way or the other. In fact, this type of black and white thinking and catastrophizing that it must've been "all bad" - is in and of itself a hallmark of mental disorder and trauma... the inability to comprehend or hold grey areas. The kind wants to split and thin it was all one way or another. It seems obvious- but this type of thinking is often at the foundation of the distress and dysfunction behind trauma and emotional neglect- because it is so fundamental to our way of viewing thte world. Once we can open up and see that by accepting the bad, it doesn't mean we take away the good.. AND also, it doesn't mean that it wa small bad or that our parents were bad. Parents can do their best and children can still have not had needs met- both can exist at the same
Time. Realizing this is the beginning of unwinding the cognitive dissonance and distorted beliefs that underlie thought patterns for many with childhood trauma..
You are a great teacher, so true acknowledge it 👏
I loved my children soooo much as they were growing up. I wanted the best for them. I only wanted to be a good mom.
But I was raised with emotionally absent parents - who provided for all my physical needs. We went on holidays, had company over lots etc etc.
But no emotional connection and lots of anger…
I wanted to be different as a parent. But I didn’t know about my blind spots and missed the precious opportunities to emotionally nurture my children. They are grown now and I see the hurt in their lives.
How can I get past this???? 😢
Wow, this is amazing. I need help with this exact thing. Thx Tim
There is this thought in my head , you're pothetic , you're pothetic look at you... Look at everyone else your age some met only one person and married them... Some have long term real friendships, some have wonderful familly you have none of this you failed in all your relationships you're going to end up alone. You'll keep watching ppl your age happy in their marriages and kids while you keep watching crying because you are broken inside 💔
I actually feel an obligation to nurture others and i m always disapointed and feel guilty of not achieving as much as i would have wanted
Unfortunately all 10 of these are me. Growing up in a Domestic V house I swore that no one would ever lay a hand on me. I kept that promise but spent my early life making very poor choices until I fell pregnant at 24. A single parent. My son was my saviour. He and my daughter are what kept me alive. They gave me a purpose. So, here I am now aged 55. A year ago my son announces he’s getting married. I become totally overwhelmed with emotion that he has achieved everything I could have wished for him, but I was stuck. I’ve done my job. I had raised 2 well adjusted children and only then admitted to myself that I had to confront my traumatic upbringing and admit I had depression. The 40 year suppression of my depression was necessary to deal with all of continuous dysfunction of extended family.
Neglect trauma happens when a narcissist tricks you into getting married and then 4 weeks later withholds sex and affection and everything a woman needs
Happens way more often to men than it does women.
Such good information...tthank you!
I have understand in later years that being separated from my mother when 3 weeks old and moved to my grandmother in another country, then moved back to my mother at 4 years old was not good for my mental health. Adding to that isolation from other kids until ca 6 years old.
And although well taken care of in many aspects I missed intimacy and love.
I still have had a relatively good life, although with long periods of depression. I had employment all the time in a profession I really liked and eventually got married for 37 years until my wife died. Today I am still healthy, have a good economy, live in a house that I like and have cats that I enjoy immensly. But it is a bit lonely.