THE IMPOSSIBLE CONUNDRUM: Wanting to stay in a relationship VS wanting to be treated with respect
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Wanting a healthy and respectful relationship with a narcissist is like asking for warm cuddles with a cactus.
😂😂😂
🤣
Brilliant analogy. Thanks!
I don't take the negative verbage to heart. I am concerned with the hair-trier anger that is becoming phiical
😂😂 thanks. I needed that laugh !
Learned helplessness is a thing. They isolate you systematically, sometimes for years. You often doubt you can do anything on your own because they brainwash you into believing you are incapable.
THIS! Put perfectly!
Same thing a tyrannical govt does to the population.
So Brilliant. There is no such thing as an abuse-free narcissistic relationship. If you stay, you have to keep your eyes open.
My dad said it was like having a tombstone taken off his chest to finally be free from my mother. He was abused for 30 yrs.
Give him a hug, and congratulations to him.
Hope he has a wonderful rest of his life🎉
Did your mom pass away or did someone leave?
Enjoy your new found freedom, peace, laughter etc
The world is your oyster
@@user-uz8np4iv8g Lots of sharks swimming around that oyster......
I'm so happy for him. I hope that the next generation is being kept safe from her too. Sorry that you also had to endure such abuse because of her, and because of his choice to stay.
Trying to find love and respect in a narcissistic relationship is like trying to find bones in ice-cream. Don't go looking for something that ain't there.
The only way to gain respect from a narcissist is to leave. As long as you are with them, they’re not going to respect you. Because they see it as though if you deserved any better, you wouldn’t be with them.
They don't respect you even if you leave, you just don't have to put up with their crap anymore🤷♀️
You never gain “respect” from a narc. You learn to respect yourself by not staying with a toxic monster.
Don't forget, there is no "you" in their minds. You don't respect your toaster or lawn mower...in the same way they don't "respect" you, since you're only an object to them.
the best thing is live a better life without them. dress better than ever and be more successful than ever. look better than ever. that's enough for them. because they will never achieve that without you.
They do admire/respect that exit, but more than that, they take it as a failure in not being successful enough to keep us stuck with them....For our own well-being, its best to leave either ways!
They seem so fun and friendly -but only on their terms of exactly what they want and exactly what their ‘reality’ is. It is hard to give up the hope that the friendly fun will never be without the abuse
The unbearable lightness of being yourself again. Sacred.
Ooohhh yesss! Sweet peace 🫠
Not judging the survivor for not leaving is very difficult for some people.
Silver lining of an abusive ex, he gave me some perspective why battered women don’t just leave.
People who do are probably still sour after their own escape.
Stockholm Syndrome.
The best decision I ever made was to get my final safety order & for malignant violent Narrcissist to leave my home and divorce him after decades of abuse towards myself and my adult children
I have radical acceptance regarding him & my narcissistic sibling & chose to have no contact with either of them
I have been educated about narcissistic abuse on this TH-cam
I have read DrRamini's book
"It's Not you"
In therapy with a trauma therapist who also has the same copy of DrRamini's book, which is a great asset to my healing
I am surviving & thriving. It's been a tough journey, but it's been worth every second
I appreciate being part of this community and am so grateful to DrRamini and her team
@@sushmayen I support U 100%regardless. Although mine was constantly belittling me and telling me He knew me, better than I did. After 6 mornings of his raging and not sleeping, he yelled at me so badly, that something TRULY BROKE INSIDE, I knew I had to get my adult disabled son and I Free. The following weekend he began his raging again only 2 tell me to b out of his house by Monday, with no car or anything, I Used our joint crashed car and have NEVER REGRETTED IT 💞My son and I are HEALING and safe, his abuse continues but EVERY DAY I THANK GOD 4 CELL PHONES AND IGNORE.....I am growing in love and unconditional forgiveness. I understand that sometimes people choose to stay, I just pray U continue listening to Dr. R she's truly trying 2 HELP US ALL, AND SHE IS TRUTHFUL ABOUT EVERYTHING, I bought her previous book and MADE my husband so pissed he wrote in it, providing me once and for all the icing on the cake. May U find peace and STRENGTH IN KNOWING U R WORTHY OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND RESPECT AND KINDNESS, ALONG WITH EQUALITY IN LOVE 💞🥰💖😘😘😘😘😘🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
I'm with a narcissist and I'm am empath. I'm starting to see these types of relationships as the wheat and the tares, like the Bible tells us about. I had no idea there were other complicated relationships like the one I'm enduring. I had no idea there were that many narcs out in the world! They seem to be everywhere. I'm sending prayers to anyone enduring this type of abuse. I've been with my mate for 25 years and have finally left him because I set boundaries for respect and he hit the ceiling with his anger. "How dare you think this way after everything I've done for you, after all the money I've spent on you, after paying your bills all these years....blah blah blah...Thank you for helping set me free Doctor! I give thanks to Jesus as well. 😘
I sat up one night and weighed up the pros and cons……on the pro side was being with a beautiful woman having a great sex life and not having to work (as she had money and didn’t want me to work)…………Those were the pros, everything else was negative. So I was basically living her life, I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on anything, being criticised constantly, the switch flicking into moments of rage, the gaslighting, the silent treatment, the insane jealousy, the isolation from friends and family…………so for all the strong positives they would never make up for all the negatives. This is ultimately why I walked out on her
every abuser uses the "babe, I don't want you to work".... to ensure they have FULL control of their victims. It's one of the most effective 'gaslighting' in history for perpetrators to trap their victims
It’s so very frustrating not wanting or being able to leave this narc marriage but yet knowing I’ll not get,any respect or understanding either. I honestly feel I’ve lived in a type of nightmare the last 30 years….like how could an intelligent beautiful soul like me have been dealt such dire behaviour and virtually put up with it for so long and without any outside support? 🤦🏼♀️ I feel frustrated that I couldn’t have done anything other than what I tried, as I only have to look at how he makes me feel now and realise I’m still between a rock and a hard place, like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t kind of thing. There’s literally no win worth narcassists, even if you leave them. If they’re not messing with your head in the flesh they’ll be doing it from inside your own head from the trauma and stress 😢
That is their goal.
Wicked!
IMO, leaving IS the win. I left 6 years ago, and have never been happier in my life. My nervous system has relaxed because I am not being yelled at all the time. I still have healing to do, but I am healing faster now because I am away from him. I realize not everyone can leave, and I feel sorriest for those who are stuck in one of these relationships. It is no way to live a life.
"outside support" was meant to 'save' you? How many others have you saved, being their 'outside support'?
"why did noone save me??", is continuing to hand over ALL your power again... just to some unknown human you think is responsible for not having fixed a problem you chose to stay in.
You are fully aware of their actions, and how it impacts you, and are choosing to stay.
If the choice is a hard rock, or a hard place.... which one is without their abuse?? YOU CAN CHOOSE THAT ONE, IF you want.
"They" aren't continuing the abuse in your head.... because "they" can't go in there and think for you. You KNOW the impact of their actions.... and how it CHANGED you. So, logically speaking, you CAN change it back.
There are 2 clear choices here:
1. stay, accepting their abuse, and be ok with it.
OR
2. leave their abuse and therefore create MORE choices / power /empowerment for yourself
Because just as you are not going around 'saving' everyone else.... people aren't going to jump into your life and give you the dream 'saving' that you're handing your power to.
YOU HAVE MORE POWER THAN YOU THINK.... IF you take action.
@@pseudopuppy160 you don’t know me or my exact situation so really you aren’t in a position to say any of that. Narc abuse or any abuse for that matter isnt a one size fits all and anyone who has been in a narc relationship should understand that. It’s not supportive or helpful to make someone feel responsible or bad for staying. If you’re fortunate enough to have left an abusive relationship then maybe you’ve had at least one area of your life which is still okay or manageable, but I’m certainly not in that position at all. I’m not going to list reasons I stay as they’re personal to my own situation but I’m an intelligent down to earth person and I stay because I cannot leave. When there’s a matrimonial home to split too then it’s harder than just upping and leaving. No one mentions that difficult and stressful process.if you own your own home and can kick your narc out then you’re already in a better position. There are many reasons why people stay. It takes as much strength to stay with these vile beings.
Leaving the narc marriage was the hardest for me. Breaking up with them and leaving is harder than being broken up with. Praying for our forever healing. God bless us. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
I chose myself and am free, so can you. Life is too short to suffer. Live your life before you have regrets. Time flies so fast.
Congratulations 🎉 thats a BiG DeAL!
@sunshinelawrence3234 thank you. Am still struggling and I have my ups and downs. I doubt myself sometimes but I keep reminding myself the reasons why I had to leave. Not sunshine and rainbows but the peace is so worth it. Pray🙏
I love the use of narc 😂
wanting love and happiness vs fear of the unknown and accepting dysfunction. thats my view 🤷♀️
Very well said!
They're them and you are you. Decide what you want and do it for you.
Done! Done! Done!.today I finally said am done!
Protecting my kids vs. staying in a two parent marriage is my view. I'm currently separated, raising money for the divorce.
Thank you, Doctor Ramani. To disassociate from your own family is painful. I tried, gray rocked, spent massive amount of time, money, and just like every person here, for my efforts nothing changed. The boundary crossing and chaos only become more and more.
So I just had zero choice! My mental health or chronic depression.
It's no bed of roses cutting off somebody in your own family. After stating my needs (which are limited and easy), respect, dignity, and civility.
The narcissist will never abide. I'm their punching bag who, in their mind, deserves to go through extra pain so they don't.
Objectively, if this was anyone else besides a family member, I would've never ever gone near the raging lunatic. Unfortunately for me, it is. No contact for 3 months now. I'm not happy about it, but my days are now tolerable, when before, they were insane.
In the throes of abuse, it’s hard, sometimes, to recognize it for what it is. I “knew” my mother had, in my opinion, a diseased brain and was evil. It wasn’t until researching narcissistic people regarding someone else that the scales fell from my eyes. At 48 yrs old I finally realized how everything I read described the family dynamics I was raised in and was still dealing with. I used to call my brother a mommas boy and now I know he was the golden child. After another bout of her vitriolic behavior, I didn’t just gray rock, I went no contact and have maintained it going on 6 yrs. No regrets and a lot of peace. To hell with her being the only mother I have. It’s on her.
Thank you for your videos. They are reinforcing my stance and extremely educational.
I am a recent subscriber, but I’ve been watching each of your daily videos for a month now. Your ability to read the mind of a person who has been through narcissistic abuse is astounding. I’ve never felt so safe and reassured, thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you and bless you. Unfortunately?, but fortunately, you are spot on. One year out and still healing.
I am crystal clear now that the relationship I was in, never existed. That took a while to see.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
He left when I cut off supply, but I'll take that discard and raise you a life.😉
I was involved with the woman for three decades - but only discovered her narcissist side when we finally moved in together. I wanted HER, but not the psycho abuse. I still want her but I HAD to walk away for my own safety and sanity.
"A relationship" built on a fantasy with a narc is not a life.
Thank you so much for this knowledge. It takes the "personal" out of the equation. It has totally deflected the daggers.
9:33
230 days into no contact.
I didnt realize what the weight of abuse was doing to me physically, as well as mentally-that is until I wasn't around him.
I’m going through this right now w/85 year old parents. I feel stuck.
The breaks are wonderful. We are not enmeshed any longer, but the once a week or so phone calls are so bad. My dad laughed the other day and accused me of something I didn’t do and said, “You’re a narcissist!”
I was just stunned.
I said “do you even know what that is?”
He said “No” still laughing. Really mean.
He enjoys it.
It’s constant chaos.
It’s so abusive & I feel like a completely horrible person if I exit all the way.
What if they die??
Like, alone?
It’s low contact.
This really sucks.
It will never be a healthy family.
They just didn’t want that.
solutions...
1. don't take their calls
2. block their calls
3. change your number
4. move house
5. AND..... tell them nothing about your choices to do the above
or.... be ok with actively participating in your own abuse.
You think you're horrible for leaving abuse?
Would you tell you kids "how dare you defend yourself against a bully!! You be a good human, lie down, and let them kick you til you're dead"???? NO!!! No sane human would ever tell someone that.
So, WHY TF are you telling yourself that???
They're arseholes. They are cruel, and mean, and vindictive and selfish and entitled.... and do not care about anyone.
So... you have 2 choices:
1. be ok with helping in your own abuse....
OR
2. leave those evil pieces of sh*t to their own demise and have a peaceful life with GOOD people.
YOU HAVE 100% CHOICE & POWER. Which will you do?
I think finance and scietal pressure are the top 2 that go together as reasons for those who stay
I'm scared to be in any other relationship
I have this with my mother. A man, I can leave (and I did). I only have one mother and it turns out, she CANNOT respect me. She would rather lose me. It's so sad. I feel like if she could just tweak her behaviour a bit we could have a relationship. I suppose she feels the same.
This is hard when it's family. However, it's necessary for our health and sanity. We will never stop loving them, but we must free ourselves in order to live. They will be fine.
I did tried long time, years to change the situation of narsisist relationships, but unfortunately for me was impossible. The most I tried the most they consumed me. I deserve peace, thank you so much Dr Ramani. Blessings and peace to everyone 🙏
The only one that can bring you peace is you. Get out. That's peace. Not perfect but peace in your brain.
Dr. Ramani, I agree with you no one wants to be abused. That a relationship, the non-abusive version by default is what is desired. Having had a happening to me where I was unaware and taken advantage of, causes me to say, no to abuse.
Companionship genuine mutual reciprocated love trust respect
Sad that it has to come down to choosing between putting up with abuse and loneliness. Worse when you are made to feel like you are looking for a unicorn when you ask to be in a healthy relationship.
For a while, we believed that a toxic relationship was better than no relationship. That's what we're taught. But that perspective changed once I realized trying to convince the narcissist to be less abusive was futile and that I rather be without them altogether.
Anything you say to a narc will be held against you at a later date. Remember this and sadly you have to weigh out everything you say to them. No personal information, protect your privacy at all costs. Greyrock & keep a low profile if necessary to even communicate with them.
My ex has controlled me more since he left. I thought life would get better, but he's used our child as a pawn to control me for almost ten years. Our child has "special needs" so I don't think the control is going to stop when he's an adult. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. (sigh)
ur videos always on point i finally moved out and struggling with wanting the relationship but just like u said abuse is not gunna stop and will always be apart of these so called relationships hard pill to swallow for sure. thank u dr. Ramni
Thank you so much for posting this video. I really needed to hear it right now. I got out, and it’s been extremely turbulent on practical levels (I’m working hard, though!!), and the thing I have been struggling with is actually this, particularly when I hear from them. I’ve had this nasty pit in my stomach that I now see is this way cognitive dissonance shows up, given that you KNOW the relationship will not be good. It’s not the same as being further into denial about the potential of the relationship, like at least your body is screaming “no.” But the dissonance between what you want and what you need to do/maintain is a physically wrenching experience. I’m glad to understand that this is a different level of the heartbreak and is part of the process of moving on.
Thank you for keeping it 100.
First it was I'll stay until my children are settled after college and in their jobs. Then it was how can I break up grandma and grampa for my grandchildren. Now it's how can I split the family wealth and disrupt my adult children's inheritance. Please help Dr. R. It has been all about my children.
Me too. Similar fears
There wasn't/isn't/will never be a relationship, only an equation: U = 0
It's Hellish to see this in someone you love. But you deserve better. Find your better. 💔🕊️
Well, this video just helped me with a couple of co-workers who gave me a hard time today. I'll stick to what I want to do and deal with the consequences if there are any.
Thank you for the early birthday present, doctor. I mean it, I feel lighter now!
Spot on , telling it like it is , there is no one that deserves to be treated badly by another
I was addicted to the narcisist. I literally felt sick if i stayed away,such yearning to be near him. I couldnt stand listening to music, it would make me cry with sad love songs. But i worked in a situation where it couldnt be avoided,playing some amount of time every day at work. I ended up getting into a new relationship too quickly. I left both relationships. Now I'm alone but not lonely. It was hard but worth it. Its a form of control and they know it. My life has turned around,I'm concentrating on me instead of some jerk that doesnt deserve my undivided attention. They are parasites that suck the life out of you if you allow it by staying around, feeding their ego. With certain family members i have never had such a peaceful & successful life since going no contact. If you dread hearing from your own family, panic attacks & feelings of waiting for the shoe to drop,then you know there's a problem. Im learning to listen to my personal radar now...Danger!, Danger! Will Robinson.😅
My narc loves double standards and tries to evoke anger in me, i dont respond at all to the "tries." Thank Dr! Radical Acceptance is stressful but works
I demanded respect then she discarded me.
My radical acceptance for me is that I can't leave. I am unable to make enough money to support myself.
I am simply passing time hoping to predecease my mother and older siblings. I try to do things for myself outside of the house each day but at the end of every evening I eventually dread going home. The silver lining is I have my own bedroom decorated to my liking with a door I can lock and music to drown out their presence.
So hard with a family. Prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
This is where I’m at it’s incredibly frustrating
This 100%. I broke up with my gf 3-4 times over a 4 year period. All because of her anger issues. She would push me until I would snap then she was the hurt one and never once did I get a single issue of mine addressed. I was stuck in love with someone that cut all physical love out the last 2 years but had me making every meal and paying for 95% of fun activities or facing the world alone and heartbroke. After the last breakup where I couldn't take her abuse she then declares I'm unstable and let me go and had a new bf within 3 weeks on her social media. This is the worst feeling in the world and makes me feel like I was the crazy toxic one. Even though I know I was not. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If your gut is screaming this person is toxic, you need to walk IMMEDIATELY. Do not let yourself fall in love with them or create a life. Thankfully we didn't get married or have kids. I just wanted her abuse to stop and she isn't ever going to change. 😢
I needed this today. Thank you.
When the narcissist is your daughter and her leverage is the grandchildren it's turning yourself into a pretzel. I've given up but it's a terrible price to pay.
I'm going through this right now. It's so frustrating. I attempted to set a boundary with this family member and they're not having it! When you love your sibling but they don't respect boundaries that's a rough one. I respect myself in this relationship because I'm the other half of it.
Thank you Dr Ramani. One of your best compassionate deeper insights so very few see and understand of how very complex this is. I'm 23 years married to an abusive covert narcissistic man. We have 3 children. We immigrated to a new country a few years ago. I have zero support in my family which has many abusers itself. I'm a housewife. I'm trying to literally claw my way back to some sort of life, but I still have a compassion and complex connection to my abuser that I wonder if I could even just walk out, would I go or how long will it take to reach that point. I think I'm on that journey now and wrestling with this dilemma because I am tired of being in a marriage where I've been unloved, never had my needs and emotions met, and even felt desperately afraid. But it's still not a simple thing to cope with leaving when so enmeshed even though I think I am facing that more seriously now. Your video has come at a perfect time. Thank you for sensitively examining this.
No I don't want the relationship, I've had it with his little dogs, especially while getting others in on the laughs, not amused! Thank you for running this by us Doctor Ramani 😊
Feelin this 😵💫 thank you for sharing your expertise
I can't answer "yes, I want the relationship" b/c the bad actor is not clearly identifiable. Honestly, I think it's more than one person
I think the reason i stayed is because it's all i ever knew. I had no idea i was in an abusive relationship because it looked like every relationship I'd been in since birth.
The narcissist doesn't pay rent to be in your head .evict them .
I feel sorry for my narcissistic ex, age 74 now. I'm 59, so it's likely that we won't be together for long. I'm just too emphatic, to leave him on his own. Even though I know that's exactly what he did to me.
I have one reason financial. And it's from a distance. It would never be lonely , family, companionship, empathy , change , non abusive , love etc. Because none of those other things are there and never will be. If I were able to keep a roof over my head someone to take care of my two dogs I would hsve left 10 years ago when i finally realized the mess I was in.
I just need to find the strength to stop letting her back In. Every time I regret it.
Love this video. Thank you 🙏
Narc relationships are like having your own personal thief
I can't imagine why someone would think it's worth staying in a narcissistic relationship. Other than living under a bridge. And if your younger than 70 you can leave because you can financially support yourself. lonely ??? ITS WORSE BEING WITH SOMEONE AND YOUR STILL LONELY. IM NOT LONELY WITH JUST MYSELF I LIKE ME. IM LONELY WHEN IM WITH THE NARCISSIST. ITS UNBEARABLE .
Good explanation of a wrong relationship. Thanks
Wish not want not.
"you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes,
you just might find,
you get what you Need".
No conundrum, nobody should be looking for a relationship without respect.
Is that even a relationship to begin with ?
How's your self respect ? How's your pride ?
Muy reason Is my grandchildren. I just couldn't live without them...
Feeling like I failed and I’m responsible for tearing the family apart-leaving my adult children (who live at home) feeling unsafe and abandoned 🥲 given the economy there’s no where for them to go.
I think you are describing a form of slavery and blackmail. I wonder if perhaps everyone who is stuck with a narcissist is a blackmailed slave? It was that way for me but my narcissist was my mother! It took me until I was in my early 50’s to finally walk away and stay away.
Awww, bless you, I worry about the exact same thing if I left my narc husband. Of course there are the obvious reasons I stay like financial and starting again as I age, but, it’s my adult kids I worry about just as much. I feel guilty as it is, for bringing them into this awful situation but I’ve stayed 29 years and they’ve obviously been impacted eventhough the abuse has been directed at me. The three of us are still victims. If I left him, where would they go? They still live at home, nothing wrong with that, as you say, the current climate doesn’t help. We would have to sell the matrimonial home and that would be stressful as it is. They get depressed at times, just recently and I worry about that too. I suffer with anxiety and panic disorder so I overthink and ruminate about everything. Their mental health is important and I think they’d suffer more if I divorced. It is my problem as I’m their mum and I’ll always look out for them whatever their age. I just want them to be content with life and for things to start looking up for them 😢 It’s like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one looking out for me, but it is what it is 💙
It is hard to leave as you have a mental image of what you want your family to be, and you think if you work hard enough, you can change things. It never happens. You are lonely in the relationship. Your children only learn how to have dysfunctional relationships. Even if it is a parent, we need to put in boundaries so we can be mentally healthy. My husband is a narc and he comes from a narcissistic family. I wish I knew about covert narcissists it would have saved me 22 years of heatache. The last straw for me was the prostitution business he was running along with sleeping with prostitutes and in return put my health at risk. He also went on week long vacations when he was suppose to on business trips. The manipulations , lies cheating is unbelievable. I just hope there is a better life for ne and my children.
10:04 On a temporary break from the narcissist…The woman I classify as my “best friend” of 22 years is a RAGING covert narcissist who also lives with addiction. In the fall of 2017 she went to a 28-day rehab (unsuccessfully) and I never felt more free in my life…until a few months later when I divorced my abusive husband!
Why don't narcissists care that the person they abuse doesn't love or care about them? They have to know that treating someone that way doesn't create a loving two-way street.
My reward in staying is his large family; we have a wonderful relationship. And yes, I now get it…tools and thinking and changes in MY behavior help me stay in it for now. Til it most likely will end. I’m OK with that. Thanks Dr Ramani!
Zero conundrum. Peace and safety wins EVERY time. Unless you prefer the abuse. I've seen far too many, fight harder to stay in the abuse they claim to hate, than they do to leave. It ALWAYS ends up horrifically when they stay. ALWAYS
My mother is a narcissist, and I consider her mad. And yes, I have suffered a lot, and I still suffer, because I haven't given up in trying to change her, even though she is 91, with dementia, and close to the end of her life.
This video is SPOT ON!!!!
No, I didn't, and I don't, across the relational spectrum, ie. whether it's an intimate, friendship, parental or work relationship, I learnt to be content alone, than accept sub par connections. I genuinely don't think that someone who healed the therapy way can lie to themselves ans pretend they don't see or they can stand it and literally violate the agency, self respect and self love they built during their healing I could never again cheat myself out of love and self love. I'm completely at peace, ease, and clarity about my self and my needs and I'm not willing to compromise on my self care anymore. ❤️🌱
It is a great question. Many of us deal with this 😶
Thank you
I'm in my 40's and due to severe finacial problems l'm now depending on my elderly narcisistic mother, l'm also very lonely, l know that when the money problem is solved l have to go no contact but she did such a great job isolating me when l was growing up, that now l can't form any relationships, and l've been in therapy since l was l8
It took me 20 years to decide to go no contact with my abusive mom last year!
Wow, it really hit home when you said this car does not come in blue,
…this relationship doesn’t come without abuse
😮
That hit home
I don’t know how many of your talks I’ve listened to and they all been fantastic and so empowering and yet I’ve been stuck exactly with what you are talking about in this video…
wanting this relationship but why???
He won’t change…the relationship won’t change
…simply won’t
It cant
That relationship doesn’t come without abuse
Just subscribed, wish I did it sooner, thank you for your healing words, you are a life saver 😊
I love my daughter the narcissist 😢and her daughter my granddaughter is very important to me.
That's a long term plan though. I'm ''in the middle'' my narc mother won't communicate with me (because I asked her to acknowledge she'd hurt me) and she gives me the cold shoulder (while denying it) and fawns over my daughter. She's just replaced me. She has no incentive to fix things because she just ignores me and pretends that my daughter is TOTALLY different. My daughter also expects respect. She gets it though.
Always on time.
I always felt i wanted out but couldn't financially with children. Now im finally out but dealing with parental alienation
I’m only in this relationship because I want to see my Grandkids. Any advice appreciated! My pain is unbearable!
I’m afraid of being alone, that’s my problem. I can admit that I have to remind myself that he won’t change and that I’m in love with the man in my head and not the one in front of me.
That was my problem,I had never lived alone until I was 57yo. I rushed into a relationship bc I couldn't stand being alone. Write down a list of things to do whenever you feel lonely. Read, take a bath, go for a walk, paint,draw,a new hobby, ring a friend,write a letter to someone, cleaning,gardening,visit someone who is upbuilding. If you get that feeling,premonition that contacting someone is not the right time,listen to it- even family.
I think a lot of my trouble is the concern that I am the problem and that I’ve created his pain and caused this. I’m afraid if it is in fact, me, which I believe it is, that I’ll just keep doing this over and over and over and hurting more and more people. And I don’t think I can stand to just stay alone. So I stay and keep working on myself.
And hope that he’ll learn too.
I've set boundaries with a narcissist (who thinks she is a psychologist and super-intelligent) in a community led by another narcissist and as she tried to project her feelings on my I threw the leader narcissist in her face, so now she avoids me entirely. Howsoever, I now have to deal with the flying monkeys from the leader narcissist which act like it's almost a cult. It's kind of amusing to watch those monkeys bend in any direction just to please the leader while I'm yellowrocking my way through. Unfortunately, a friend of mine became one of the monkeys, and she ain't seeing that the leader is triangulating her and the worst thing is the leader is telling me how much she doesn't like my friend. So right now I just try to hold my ground and keep the door open for my friend while I'm working on my own exit strategy without drama while I'm struggling myself to not being seduced like the other monkeys. - It's just so unnecessary time-consuming having such people in the lead of groups, communities or workplaces, especially if that one solution - group together against the narcissist - ain't happening and will never be happening.
Housing, it's a conundrum because there is a legal lease
Dr. Ramani please elaborate on what you said in passing about life getting more difficult after the relationship ends in the case of someone who is trauma bonded.
This is one reason I stay, whether that’s the right or wrong thing to do, it seems the only thing I can do right now 😢
❤ Its a conundrum.
And is it radical acceptance at all?
Good points and thoughts.
I desired a relationship very much.
Until it was clear its not able.
I desired a healthy co parenting relationship. Until i realised it would never happen. Even if a small amount of hopes there the slow death so to speak.
Another conundrum. They want they want they want. But like all other times they wont work for it. Or even try. Its they cant and they will never get how much they affect others.
Then to sit there and feel saddened for them. Its a connundrum for sure. They are given what they ask for. 100% they play their way out of it. And now its your fault for having boundaries.
He wants he wants.
He wants 100% of control. Given what he asks for. It always cycles back to im the bad guy.
Definitely a conundrum. And all leads to acceptance i think. At least here.
Maybe flip it to hoped instead of hope. And let hope die with the conundrum.
I think radically accepting im allowed the boundaries even firmer ones as you speak on is more of the domino that leads to radically accepting who they are.
Set the boundaries any healthy person would understand after hurting you or even that you are human and any human should have those boundaries. How they move after. Its really just death of the hopes and trauma bonds❤
Convince, financial reasons,and family but he is now doesn't controls me he tries but iam on top after learning
I feel like I have a corporate relationship with my daughter and that is as far it is going to get
I wanted a partnership. It’s hard to put into words. Lucy & Desi come to mind-but of course, they had dysfunctional dynamics and got divorced. But I know couples that are / were successful as partners in that sense of building something together that was bigger than either of them separately. For as long as I thought I had that, I was willing to endure a lot of disappointment. Once I finally realized it was not to be, I ended it-20 years in and turning 60 at the time. But the truth is, I sustained a fantasy for much longer than it was really a possibility, and I take responsibility for staying in far longer than I should have. But I loved him so much!
I stay because the narcissist is my son. I am pretty sure that the narcissism evolved from all the negativity he has gotten from having ADD issues. I try to be a positive influence and give him support in his efforts to be successful.
So true....
I can manage my personal life now.
I have been walking into work with some bullying. I get called Chicken Lady in a derogatory way, saying that I wasn't worth being heard.
The last event the experience was so unprofessional. The attack wasn't towards me. I had to witness. I couldn't stand there, knowing what was happening next. I notice the hands. They became fits. I threw myself in the middle, facing the person, who I felt I could reason with.
The experience, left me in a daze. I had difficulty driving to a location, shaken. I shook most of yesterday. It brought me back to a memory, remembering under hypnosis; I nearly took a life.
I've been laying here in my car, trying to figure out myself. I haven't been able to breathe well. My chickens have been so good to me not one peep from them. They are right now quiet as well.
They sense something wrong with me.
I don't want any likes. I don't want any sympathy or empathy.
I need solutions and understanding what it is that this body is experiencing.
A few hours later. .. I reminded myself
how much freedom I actually have. I can be anywhere, where I want to be. I don't have to stay. I can choose, who I want to surround myself with, and I can determine what jobs I want that brought a smile to my face, felt a lot lighter. I got up. Yes, still coughing took us to the coast. The air is much better here. I'm happy again.😊
One more thing I would like to be in a relationship for (besides love, family, companionship, etc.) is common memory, but in my experience this is not entirely possible in an abusive relationship, also because it would have to become a non-abusive relationship first.
What a bummer
Relatable !
You've come closest to talking about my dilemma that I've heard. No one really addresses it. My adult son has intellectual disability, autism, borderline personality and fetal alcohol syndrome. (adopted at birth) Cognitively 5, emotionally 3. He is stressed always, reactive, verbally abusive and retributive due to believing irrational thoughts. He is in a constant cycle of abuse, victim, remorse and shame. Suicide is always on the table. I am and will be until the end of my life be in an abusive relationship with him. Had a narc spouse I divorced and that was relatively easy to divorce compared tobthis. How do you abandon a vulnerable "child", who is reacting to in utero brain damage?
Maybe it would be better for him & you to be in a group home or Facility situation, with trained, not emotionally involved, Carers.