To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining. For more videos click the JOIN button.
Just found your channel and this is the exact video I needed! You’re completely right, you need to focus on your attractions/feelings rather than a label, because a label carries a whole ton of ego and expectation. Detachment and looking at things non judgementally is the key.
Came out as Gay at 23, 25 years ago, and now enjoy more sexual relationships with women than ever before. took me many many years to accept my bisexuality, but now happier than ever. Does feel a bit weird allowing my self to be having placed such emphasis on this gay label, but there you go... weird old world innit.
Hey thanks so much for sharing. You are not alone. I love that we can exist in our diversity and uniqueness. Sending so much love and thanks for being here.
I’m so glad I found your channel. I understand this content may not necessarily be for me, but I’ve been seeking to learn. I’m a cishet man recently dumped by his bi gf of 3 years because she said she thought she was gay and her brain won’t let her love me anymore. Which devastated me because our sex life was always wonderful and she had initiated sex with me just days before. I always knew she was bi and she/they and always wanted her to tell me how she was feeling and wanting to learn more about how best to love her. I never had reason to doubt her love until I was blindsided. I even gave her my blessing to have an experience with a woman before as long as we communicated and it didn’t compromise our relationship. When she told me she thought she was gay, I hugged her, told her she was safe, that I loved her and I could never hate or hurt her, even while my heart was breaking. I keep hoping she’ll come back one day.
Hey thank you for sharing this. It sounds like this has been a truly heartbreaking experience. I really felt it through your words. It sounds like you have been a truly loving and supportive partner to her which is beautiful to see. There can be so many reasons why we feel we have to break up or leave certain relationships and so often it doesn’t make sense even to the person leaving but with your caring, understanding and open heart all I can say is that I’m sure love will find you powerfully again very soon. Whether it is with her or in some other way. Thank you for being a real ally. It truly warms my heart to see it.
Great channel! Thanks for the bi visibility! I recently broke up with my girlfriend because I thought I needed to explore further my gay side... And even considered that I was gay and in denial... Now I miss her terribly! In my case, I find attractive all types of women's bodies, but I only fancy a certain type of men... What's wrong with me?
Once I was attracted to a girl with whom I never had sex because of religious conviction. I was aroused by her, but we had decided to hold off the physical until after marriage. Then we broke up, and many years after that I was single and minded my own life. Then last year, I became attracted to a guy with whom I had sex. I love it, but my family culture doesn’t approve it. Now I’m stuck. I’m afraid to live openly. Recently, my ex-girlfriend came back into my life as a friend. The connection with her is there, but the fizzle has long gone. I am as unsure as ever :(
This is kinda of a long read but I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I've got a real complex situation, as I'm sure many do here, but around 5 years I started to get compulsions when turned on, fearing I wasn't able to be attracted to anyone fully, cause I'd only ever felt anything for women (as a man) but I also liked the idea of bottoming which can turn me on even more, cause prostate, but not specifically with men, I think, but I ended up watching a ton of *orn as a kid and always saw a man doing this to a woman, and because of this I kinda built this association that if I'm thinking of bottom it's with a guy, cause that's what I fed my brain every day since childhood. I never felt any feelings for guys, or liked the bodies of men in that way, it was basically just the act itself. I actually became so afraid of not being able to be attracted to women (cause I thought I was maybe repressed gay but also... felt nothing towards men?) because of the OCD that I'd do checking compulsions, stress myself way tf out and then not be able to... perform thinking about women. In reality, now I'm at a point where I've psyched myself out for 5 years every day and do get turned on by women still but very on and off, and not fully cause I'm stressed with compulsions and intrusive thoughts. It's so incredibly weird that I grew up fully attracted to women physically and sexually, then worried I wasn't, and turns out my fear isn't of being gay but... that I'm not... straight? I ended up with attachment issues to women cause of this due to still wanting to you know... feel what I feel, and it took a big toll, and your video on this topic really made me be more open to any possibility, it made me think deeper, and then I realized exactly what had happened. Now I'm fine with what happens either way, and because of that I can finally fully feel romantic and sexual attraction to one gender, at least, not some (mostly) homosexual heteroromantic type thing.
Hey thank you so much for sharing what you have been through. I’m so glad that you were able to find this clarity through the content. It’s something that can happen and is immeasurably difficult to overcome but you can and it sounds like you have reached a place of peace with it. Big respect and acknowledgment there. If you ever need support don’t hesitate to get in touch via notdefining.com.
I've only recently discovered your channel but I'm glad I have. You're gentle and sincere approach to such intimate and possibly controversial topics will truely help a lot of people. I'm rooting for you and the people that you help 🫶🏾
Im in my bi discovery dating Girls for the first time in 27 years after being gay since teen cause I personally got bored by the non phisical company of men and almost lot of the sex I had with them I didn't enjoy It. And well, sorry I lost focus telling my shit but I just wanted to say that I find your channel amazingly researchul and meaningful. You have made videos about a lot of questions about sexuality I had for years so greetins from Madrid and thanks for the incredible help you provide here!
Thanks for this helpful video, What people find sexually attractive can vary over time. One's fantasies and experiences might be exclusively gay at age 25 by 35 or 40 that person may discover sexual attraction in some women. Also, the desire to have children with someone else with whom one has a strong connection may also play a role in keeping one's sexual identity somewhat fluid rather than firmly fixed.
As a gay male it's pretty straight forward I'm sexually atttacted to men. I've had a strong kindship with women. But I don't have any desire to have sex with them. I thought I could when I was younger. But being romantically entwined (emotional attachment) must not be confused with what your erotic orientation. The Beach Question for example; gay men will say "the woman are in the way and I'm checking out the men" . A Straight man will say " I'm watching the women and the men are in the way" . A Bi guy may be looking at both. Or the Bi sexual man may just find a woman romantically attractive and he is more sexually attracted to men.
My partner is currently riding this cycle. Do you have any resources for coping through this together? I want them to explore themselves and other people but it's very hard to see their explosive NRE with others while they wonder if they're even attracted to me at all...
Is that possible during childhood until twenties _thirties you dont have doubts and the second part of your life you are incertain if you are gay or bi and change sometimes out of blue its makes me anguish
I'm straight but I had intrusive thoughts about them saying In gay when I'm straight and I've heard voices that accuse of me gay when I'm straight. There's been proof that I'm straight it's caused me stress and stuff it's been crazy it start again recently and it's been difficult. But these voices in the area when I. Home alone they accuse me of this things and it's been rough. I've been straight all my life but some trauma triggered this I guess. I'm reach out for help . Like when i seen women on tv im atteacted to them and want to date them. But i have neighborhood voices of accusing me of being gay with no proof and some agree that im straight its like a argument. But i am straight but this has been stressful . Any help is appreciated
Hey friend, have the same stupid feeling like you. I was never in doubt before, and then I started questioning after a break off, and I had two really rough weeks. My mind was only thinking about it, and it really affected my daily activities, and I brought me to tears and self-hatred. I think it might be called HOCD what we both have. I'm better now, and I hope you are as well. Stay strong, brother!
@@joaobaka8404 you have to ask yourself what about the thoughts is making you feel uncomfortable. A lot of gay people struggle in the beginning with feeling worried or afraid of the thoughts and feelings they have towards the same sex.
This can get really confusing. It’s okay. Please I cannot recommend any more strongly to seek proper support rather than asking on the internet. Your doctor is the first port of call. I can provide certified support through the details I mentioned above. Seeking assurance like this on the internet can be part of an OCD compulsion. It’s okay. You will heal but this requires you to get the right support from people who really understand this condition. You cannot actually answer the question “am I gay”. It’s impossible in this context.
Hi,im a little confused here.ive dated a lot of women,initially fell atractive but couldnt persue more into the relationship cause i got bored or something(still wanted to date other women).ive been attached to male friends of mine.im unsure of my identity
I consider myself aroace and for the longest time ive just been wondering if i was gay or not. I figured since I'd never crushed on a man i must like women. I've never had a crush on anyone. I simply just don't know who I'm attracted to. However. Seeing this video, snd hearing you mention 'even if its just the idea of something ' really, really helps me out. Because though I'm lacking physical confirmation of what I who like, i do get thoughts. And I have some thoughts i like better than others. Real good video 🫶🏿
I don't really know whether or not I'm bi or gay. I know I like guys but not so sure with girls. I feel sexually and romantically attracted to men but I guess I may be romantically attracted to girls? I had a crush on a girl once, I think it may have been a crush, I don't know. I've just been more consistently into men.
I've never considered that I was gay, not only for the simple reason that I'm typically attracted to women at a higher frequency and intensity, but even when I'm in full on "gay mode" the fact of the matter is that just about every mammal on the planet, not the least of which those most closely related to humans, are all bi, or whatever the variable AC/DC nomenclature is all the rage these days. While I would never deny that some very small percentage of people are naturally wired to be wholly straight or gay, for the vast majority, it's an unnatural choice, like being vegan.
I have a number of basic problems with some of the ideas presented here. First of all, as a man who is exclusively sexually attracted to men, with zero percent attraction to women, the statement that there is no such thing as being completely gay or straight (something one hears all the time) does not fit my experience, nor that of numerous gay and straight friends of mine. I don't deny the reality of bisexuality at all - I believe it is far more common than most people think. But it is simply a fact that many people are only attracted to one sex/gender. Mind you, that of course depends on how the terms are defined. If there is not actually any such thing as a "man" or a "woman," then that throws the whole idea of any kind of sexual polarity into question. But while I agree that most things we divide into neat categories (such as the examples given of tall/short, or of "races") are truly spectra with no such divisions, something like sex seems different. Is sex really a continuous spectrum with everyone falling on their own unique shading? Or is it more like a bimodal distribution, with the huge majority of people falling at either end, and only a handful somewhere in the middle (ie intersex people)? If so, that seems like fundamentally a different thing. (Of course gender identity is less bimodal than sex, and the question of how nonbinary people fit into the straight/gay/bi system is a thorny one that I haven't heard anyone come up with a truly satisfying answer to yet). Another word that has to be defined is "attraction," and I find it a little disturbing that it's being suggested that "aesthetic attraction" or "platonic attraction" could be considered to fall under the heading of sexual orientation or sexuality. As a gay man, I am perfectly able to have aesthetic appreciation for a beautiful woman, or have a friendship with her - but that in no way is part of my sexual orientation. What bothers me is that I meet many young people who genuinely have these confusions, and I think some of these answers would make them even more confused. It's common for young queer kids to desperately want to somehow be "a little less queer" - many gay kids are looking for some sign they might really be bisexual, or bisexual kids want to believe they are really straight. If you tell them that the fact that they think someone is good looking means that they are "attracted" to that person, they will grab onto that as meaning they aren't really so queer after all, and maybe it's just a phase and they will turn out straight in the end. As for the question "Am I gay or just in denial," that was exactly me as a teenager. 100% gay (not as a political label, but as a simple description of my sexual orientation), but in denial and wanting to believe that I was bisexual. This is very, very common, especially for boys, who seem to find it harder to accept themselves as queer. I'm not so sure it helps people like this to support their magical thinking that if they just try hard enough, they can stop being gay and be straight (or at least bi). Let's do everything we can to support bisexual and pansexual people being open and accepted for who they are, but not by erasing monosexual people. We exist too!
I'm really not sure. I'm a teen right now and kind of having a crisis over this- I think i'm bi or gay but I really can't draw the line- I'm also having problems around the social anxiety of coming out as my school and family are mostly homophobic so i'm scared to say anything. What do you think I should do?
I get very confused im married to a woman but i have intense fantasies bout men. I look at gay adult videos i find it very appealing i can see myself in that but my attraction to men is much less than to women. My brain feels like it's being pulled in many directions, is what i feel real? Is it worth Pursuing meaing ending my troubled marriage. I just don't know
Your feelings are all real but it’s not to say you have to act on it or end your marriage. Identify the feeling that being with a man gives you in one word. What is the emotion, then find ways to access that emotion yourself first. Then you can see if your relationship is really blocking you from that or not.
@notdefining Unfortunately, I was forced to come out as by 2 my wife. Because of messages she saw between me and my therapist. She is not taking it well. She's dishing out these little micro aggressions that get underneath my skin. The hardest part is trying to figure out. Am I really bi do I really like men or am I just saying I do
My physical attraction is to men. So I'm gay- being emotionally attached to a female or romantically entwined is not the same as a sexual attraction. Some feel that establishing a close bond with a female defines bisexuality. But I'm my opinion it doesn't. The beach question comes into play. When I'm at the beach who am I watching? In my case the women are in the way. Are you watching these females in a Sexual way? The same way a heterosexual male is looking at female? If it's an emotional thing- just be aware that a straight male doesn't have to be emotionally attached to a female to find her sexually attractive. I've heard some to say ' I have to be emotionally attached/romantically entwined to have sex with a female. I'm straight forward. " Who am I physically attracted to?
Thanks for sharing. This could be a good way for people to help them figure out how they feel. Everyone defines bisexuality differently and that’s great.
Hey thanks for reaching out. My heart is with you. Remember you have an online community who is there for you to draw strength from. Check out my self confidence video playlist which can help you to build strength in yourself even in difficult situations. Wishing you all the best and so much love.
What got me to scared to come out is what people who known me for years will think . I know that i am attractive to the same sex , women ,coming yo i had crushes on them and guys too , when i started noticing guy, .y desjre for women get weaker , the reason i stop having sex with women ,cause to finish off in her , i got to imagine being with a hot guy i like ,
To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info.
Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining.
For more videos click the JOIN button.
Do you do online counseling or one on one's?
Just found your channel and this is the exact video I needed! You’re completely right, you need to focus on your attractions/feelings rather than a label, because a label carries a whole ton of ego and expectation. Detachment and looking at things non judgementally is the key.
Hey thanks for being here. I’m so glad it’s making sense. You are so warmly welcome.
Came out as Gay at 23, 25 years ago, and now enjoy more sexual relationships with women than ever before. took me many many years to accept my bisexuality, but now happier than ever. Does feel a bit weird allowing my self to be having placed such emphasis on this gay label, but there you go... weird old world innit.
Hey thanks so much for sharing. You are not alone. I love that we can exist in our diversity and uniqueness. Sending so much love and thanks for being here.
Im saying, once I stopped worrying about it, everything just worked out, TRUST THE PROCESS
I’m so glad I found your channel. I understand this content may not necessarily be for me, but I’ve been seeking to learn. I’m a cishet man recently dumped by his bi gf of 3 years because she said she thought she was gay and her brain won’t let her love me anymore. Which devastated me because our sex life was always wonderful and she had initiated sex with me just days before. I always knew she was bi and she/they and always wanted her to tell me how she was feeling and wanting to learn more about how best to love her. I never had reason to doubt her love until I was blindsided. I even gave her my blessing to have an experience with a woman before as long as we communicated and it didn’t compromise our relationship. When she told me she thought she was gay, I hugged her, told her she was safe, that I loved her and I could never hate or hurt her, even while my heart was breaking. I keep hoping she’ll come back one day.
Hey thank you for sharing this. It sounds like this has been a truly heartbreaking experience. I really felt it through your words. It sounds like you have been a truly loving and supportive partner to her which is beautiful to see. There can be so many reasons why we feel we have to break up or leave certain relationships and so often it doesn’t make sense even to the person leaving but with your caring, understanding and open heart all I can say is that I’m sure love will find you powerfully again very soon. Whether it is with her or in some other way. Thank you for being a real ally. It truly warms my heart to see it.
Your comment hit home and you seem like a good-hearted person. Stay strong king, sending you love.
:)
Love this "What am I feeling now?" before/instead of labelling! Thank you Mark.
@@andrew62wts I’m so glad it was helpful ❤️
Could you also talk about romantic orientations. Romantic attraction is also another hard and broad thing to figure out.
Yeah i agree
You’re in luck. I have a video on this precise topic coming out within the month. Stay tuned.
7:29
Basically common sense.
Thank you.
Alot of Men and Women in my community are struggling with their sexuality and self honesty.
Great channel! Thanks for the bi visibility!
I recently broke up with my girlfriend because I thought I needed to explore further my gay side... And even considered that I was gay and in denial... Now I miss her terribly!
In my case, I find attractive all types of women's bodies, but I only fancy a certain type of men... What's wrong with me?
Hey thanks for sharing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. This is incredibly normal.
Once I was attracted to a girl with whom I never had sex because of religious conviction. I was aroused by her, but we had decided to hold off the physical until after marriage. Then we broke up, and many years after that I was single and minded my own life. Then last year, I became attracted to a guy with whom I had sex. I love it, but my family culture doesn’t approve it. Now I’m stuck. I’m afraid to live openly. Recently, my ex-girlfriend came back into my life as a friend. The connection with her is there, but the fizzle has long gone. I am as unsure as ever :(
This is kinda of a long read but I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I've got a real complex situation, as I'm sure many do here, but around 5 years I started to get compulsions when turned on, fearing I wasn't able to be attracted to anyone fully, cause I'd only ever felt anything for women (as a man) but I also liked the idea of bottoming which can turn me on even more, cause prostate, but not specifically with men, I think, but I ended up watching a ton of *orn as a kid and always saw a man doing this to a woman, and because of this I kinda built this association that if I'm thinking of bottom it's with a guy, cause that's what I fed my brain every day since childhood. I never felt any feelings for guys, or liked the bodies of men in that way, it was basically just the act itself. I actually became so afraid of not being able to be attracted to women (cause I thought I was maybe repressed gay but also... felt nothing towards men?) because of the OCD that I'd do checking compulsions, stress myself way tf out and then not be able to... perform thinking about women. In reality, now I'm at a point where I've psyched myself out for 5 years every day and do get turned on by women still but very on and off, and not fully cause I'm stressed with compulsions and intrusive thoughts. It's so incredibly weird that I grew up fully attracted to women physically and sexually, then worried I wasn't, and turns out my fear isn't of being gay but... that I'm not... straight?
I ended up with attachment issues to women cause of this due to still wanting to you know... feel what I feel, and it took a big toll, and your video on this topic really made me be more open to any possibility, it made me think deeper, and then I realized exactly what had happened. Now I'm fine with what happens either way, and because of that I can finally fully feel romantic and sexual attraction to one gender, at least, not some (mostly) homosexual heteroromantic type thing.
Hey thank you so much for sharing what you have been through. I’m so glad that you were able to find this clarity through the content. It’s something that can happen and is immeasurably difficult to overcome but you can and it sounds like you have reached a place of peace with it. Big respect and acknowledgment there. If you ever need support don’t hesitate to get in touch via notdefining.com.
I've only recently discovered your channel but I'm glad I have. You're gentle and sincere approach to such intimate and possibly controversial topics will
truely help a lot of people. I'm rooting for you and the people that you help 🫶🏾
Omg thank you so so much. This has absolutely made my day.
Im in my bi discovery dating Girls for the first time in 27 years after being gay since teen cause I personally got bored by the non phisical company of men and almost lot of the sex I had with them I didn't enjoy It. And well, sorry I lost focus telling my shit but I just wanted to say that I find your channel amazingly researchul and meaningful. You have made videos about a lot of questions about sexuality I had for years so greetins from Madrid and thanks for the incredible help you provide here!
Hey thanks so much I appreciate you and happy to help
This is so progressive tysm❤
Thanks for this helpful video, What people find sexually attractive can vary over time. One's fantasies and experiences might be exclusively gay at age 25 by 35 or 40 that person may discover sexual attraction in some women. Also, the desire to have children with someone else with whom one has a strong connection may also play a role in keeping one's sexual identity somewhat fluid rather than firmly fixed.
What a great video Mark! Thank you so much. This video came at the right time for me. Helped a lot. Sending you much, much love 💖💜💙
You are so welcome
As a gay male it's pretty straight forward I'm sexually atttacted to men. I've had a strong kindship with women. But I don't have any desire to have sex with them. I thought I could when I was younger. But being romantically entwined (emotional attachment) must not be confused with what your erotic orientation. The Beach Question for example; gay men will say "the woman are in the way and I'm checking out the men" . A Straight man will say " I'm watching the women and the men are in the way" . A Bi guy may be looking at both. Or the Bi sexual man may just find a woman romantically attractive and he is more sexually attracted to men.
Pretty bang on there ☺️
My partner is currently riding this cycle. Do you have any resources for coping through this together? I want them to explore themselves and other people but it's very hard to see their explosive NRE with others while they wonder if they're even attracted to me at all...
Is that possible during childhood until twenties _thirties you dont have doubts and the second part of your life you are incertain if you are gay or bi and change sometimes out of blue its makes me anguish
I'm straight but I had intrusive thoughts about them saying In gay when I'm straight and I've heard voices that accuse of me gay when I'm straight. There's been proof that I'm straight it's caused me stress and stuff it's been crazy it start again recently and it's been difficult. But these voices in the area when I. Home alone they accuse me of this things and it's been rough. I've been straight all my life but some trauma triggered this I guess. I'm reach out for help . Like when i seen women on tv im atteacted to them and want to date them. But i have neighborhood voices of accusing me of being gay with no proof and some agree that im straight its like a argument. But i am straight but this has been stressful . Any help is appreciated
Hey friend, have the same stupid feeling like you. I was never in doubt before, and then I started questioning after a break off, and I had two really rough weeks. My mind was only thinking about it, and it really affected my daily activities, and I brought me to tears and self-hatred.
I think it might be called HOCD what we both have.
I'm better now, and I hope you are as well.
Stay strong, brother!
if sexual thoughts are intrusive and uncomfortable then I'm not gay?
I would say if sexual thoughts are intrusive and uncomfortable then there is an underlying trauma which needs to be addressed.
@@notdefining so I'm not gay?
@@joaobaka8404 you have to ask yourself what about the thoughts is making you feel uncomfortable. A lot of gay people struggle in the beginning with feeling worried or afraid of the thoughts and feelings they have towards the same sex.
@@Becoming0ne but if gay people also feel worried how can i know if i'm gay or not?
This can get really confusing. It’s okay. Please I cannot recommend any more strongly to seek proper support rather than asking on the internet. Your doctor is the first port of call. I can provide certified support through the details I mentioned above. Seeking assurance like this on the internet can be part of an OCD compulsion. It’s okay. You will heal but this requires you to get the right support from people who really understand this condition. You cannot actually answer the question “am I gay”. It’s impossible in this context.
Hi,im a little confused here.ive dated a lot of women,initially fell atractive but couldnt persue more into the relationship cause i got bored or something(still wanted to date other women).ive been attached to male friends of mine.im unsure of my identity
I think I may be a bit confused
What if i enjoy gay music but i dont feel anything for a man but maybe the music hits me as a straight man
I consider myself aroace and for the longest time ive just been wondering if i was gay or not. I figured since I'd never crushed on a man i must like women. I've never had a crush on anyone. I simply just don't know who I'm attracted to. However. Seeing this video, snd hearing you mention 'even if its just the idea of something ' really, really helps me out. Because though I'm lacking physical confirmation of what I who like, i do get thoughts. And I have some thoughts i like better than others.
Real good video 🫶🏿
Hey thank you so much for this lovely comment. I’m so glad it was helpful.
You are amazing Mark, thank you always❤
You are so welcome. Thank you for your kind words.
Being bisexual is very confusing 😂
Very true
I don't really know whether or not I'm bi or gay. I know I like guys but not so sure with girls. I feel sexually and romantically attracted to men but I guess I may be romantically attracted to girls? I had a crush on a girl once, I think it may have been a crush, I don't know. I've just been more consistently into men.
Hey that’s totally cool. That can be a totally valid bi identity. If you want to call it that it’s cool, if not that’s cool too.
@@notdefining Okay, thank you!
I've never considered that I was gay, not only for the simple reason that I'm typically attracted to women at a higher frequency and intensity, but even when I'm in full on "gay mode" the fact of the matter is that just about every mammal on the planet, not the least of which those most closely related to humans, are all bi, or whatever the variable AC/DC nomenclature is all the rage these days. While I would never deny that some very small percentage of people are naturally wired to be wholly straight or gay, for the vast majority, it's an unnatural choice, like being vegan.
I have a number of basic problems with some of the ideas presented here. First of all, as a man who is exclusively sexually attracted to men, with zero percent attraction to women, the statement that there is no such thing as being completely gay or straight (something one hears all the time) does not fit my experience, nor that of numerous gay and straight friends of mine. I don't deny the reality of bisexuality at all - I believe it is far more common than most people think. But it is simply a fact that many people are only attracted to one sex/gender.
Mind you, that of course depends on how the terms are defined. If there is not actually any such thing as a "man" or a "woman," then that throws the whole idea of any kind of sexual polarity into question.
But while I agree that most things we divide into neat categories (such as the examples given of tall/short, or of "races") are truly spectra with no such divisions, something like sex seems different. Is sex really a continuous spectrum with everyone falling on their own unique shading? Or is it more like a bimodal distribution, with the huge majority of people falling at either end, and only a handful somewhere in the middle (ie intersex people)? If so, that seems like fundamentally a different thing.
(Of course gender identity is less bimodal than sex, and the question of how nonbinary people fit into the straight/gay/bi system is a thorny one that I haven't heard anyone come up with a truly satisfying answer to yet).
Another word that has to be defined is "attraction," and I find it a little disturbing that it's being suggested that "aesthetic attraction" or "platonic attraction" could be considered to fall under the heading of sexual orientation or sexuality. As a gay man, I am perfectly able to have aesthetic appreciation for a beautiful woman, or have a friendship with her - but that in no way is part of my sexual orientation.
What bothers me is that I meet many young people who genuinely have these confusions, and I think some of these answers would make them even more confused. It's common for young queer kids to desperately want to somehow be "a little less queer" - many gay kids are looking for some sign they might really be bisexual, or bisexual kids want to believe they are really straight. If you tell them that the fact that they think someone is good looking means that they are "attracted" to that person, they will grab onto that as meaning they aren't really so queer after all, and maybe it's just a phase and they will turn out straight in the end.
As for the question "Am I gay or just in denial," that was exactly me as a teenager. 100% gay (not as a political label, but as a simple description of my sexual orientation), but in denial and wanting to believe that I was bisexual. This is very, very common, especially for boys, who seem to find it harder to accept themselves as queer. I'm not so sure it helps people like this to support their magical thinking that if they just try hard enough, they can stop being gay and be straight (or at least bi). Let's do everything we can to support bisexual and pansexual people being open and accepted for who they are, but not by erasing monosexual people. We exist too!
I'm really not sure. I'm a teen right now and kind of having a crisis over this- I think i'm bi or gay but I really can't draw the line- I'm also having problems around the social anxiety of coming out as my school and family are mostly homophobic so i'm scared to say anything. What do you think I should do?
I get very confused im married to a woman but i have intense fantasies bout men. I look at gay adult videos i find it very appealing i can see myself in that but my attraction to men is much less than to women. My brain feels like it's being pulled in many directions, is what i feel real? Is it worth Pursuing meaing ending my troubled marriage. I just don't know
Your feelings are all real but it’s not to say you have to act on it or end your marriage. Identify the feeling that being with a man gives you in one word. What is the emotion, then find ways to access that emotion yourself first. Then you can see if your relationship is really blocking you from that or not.
@notdefining Unfortunately, I was forced to come out as by 2 my wife. Because of messages she saw between me and my therapist.
She is not taking it well. She's dishing out these little micro aggressions that get underneath my skin. The hardest part is trying to figure out. Am I really bi do I really like men or am I just saying I do
My physical attraction is to men. So I'm gay- being emotionally attached to a female or romantically entwined is not the same as a sexual attraction. Some feel that establishing a close bond with a female defines bisexuality. But I'm my opinion it doesn't. The beach question comes into play. When I'm at the beach who am I watching? In my case the women are in the way. Are you watching these females in a Sexual way? The same way a heterosexual male is looking at female? If it's an emotional thing- just be aware that a straight male doesn't have to be emotionally attached to a female to find her sexually attractive. I've heard some to say ' I have to be emotionally attached/romantically entwined to have sex with a female. I'm straight forward. " Who am I physically attracted to?
Thanks for sharing. This could be a good way for people to help them figure out how they feel. Everyone defines bisexuality differently and that’s great.
what can i do if live in a society that there is discrimination of gay people, plz reply i need help
Hey thanks for reaching out. My heart is with you. Remember you have an online community who is there for you to draw strength from. Check out my self confidence video playlist which can help you to build strength in yourself even in difficult situations. Wishing you all the best and so much love.
What got me to scared to come out is what people who known me for years will think . I know that i am attractive to the same sex , women ,coming yo i had crushes on them and guys too , when i started noticing guy, .y desjre for women get weaker , the reason i stop having sex with women ,cause to finish off in her , i got to imagine being with a hot guy i like ,