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I experience some of those. I am ace but I notice guys I think are atractive more often. When I see mm couples I think they look cute together and feel I want to have that. It does have an exciting layer of doing something "forbiden". My atraction to girls come less naturally, few days ago I indeed force myself to create a pinterest mood board to check if I am atracted to girls... I think I am, but only for a very specific type. My first crush was with a girl, so I think I still have some of it in my brain. I had a lot of female friends, so I imagine have a female romantic partner would be easier, just advance the friendship in the next level... As I didnt experienced any real relationship (or kisses) yet, part of me still wonder if its all fantasy, and I am actually aro ace because I usually dont care about having a partner or relationship. I wouldnt reject one but I dont feel bad about not having it.
I was married to a woman. Afterwich was then married to a man. I talk to them both regularly.I am Lucky that I fall for the person, not their (Gender).I am fundemintly broken. So please keep your chanel going. You keep me out of a cycle of DISPAIR XX00
Hey Tim thank you so so much for your kind gift! I’m so touched. I really appreciate you so much thank you! I’m sending so much love and gratitude your way. 🩷🩷🩷🩷
Hello. I am writing because I am confused and don't know how to label myself. Until very recently I thought that labels were terms that were mandatory in society or at least they seem to be. Logically I wanted to know what I should call myself because there seems to be a certain pressure to put a label on us and that we can't change it. When I found your channel I felt a great relief because I realised that it is not really necessary to have one and that pressuring someone to label themselves is wrong. What came next was confusion because despite knowing that people put a lot of pressure on labels. I also heard the belief that if you had a sexual orientation different from the "normative" you were obliged to declare it because otherwise you wouldn't be happy and many other things like "you should do this or you should do that". PERSONALLY(just my opinion) we should not reproach anyone for doing something "wrong" because right and wrong in this matter PERSONALLY I think there is no such thing. Basically I think we should leave everyone to their own lives and stay out of things that don't concern us, what does it matter what someone's sexuality is? Why can't we respect other people's labels or the way someone defines themselves? Why do we have to put so much responsibility on words? These things have been going around in my head and that's why I'm confused. Could you give me some advice or something? Thank you very much for reading me. Pd: i just want to know if im in the "wrong" label,if im living my life in a lie.. What do mean when you say:Make the label fit you? PS 3: I'm starting to believe that sexuality and gender labels are not a choice (correct me if I'm wrong, please). It feels like a lot of people invalidate you and tell you that you are not "this" and that you are "that". It would be easier if society didn't demand them from us so that people don't have to make a soup or a mental movie to figure out what they have to "call themselves", but it seems that you have to make the mental movie or else people will criticise you and demand a label. It's unbelievable that they don't respect the label we describe ourselves with and describe you badly. I understand that they are important because that's how all this social progress has been possible. But I find it very impolite to be a know-it-all and invalidate a person's label. "If a person is happy he will never be wrong", is my maxim. That's why I'm confused. It was lucky to find your channel and a relief, I think, that you are a great person and look at sexuality and gender the way I think it should be looked at. But honestly no one is going to have a definitive answer everyone looks at sexuality and gender the way they want to and they are all valid. What is wrong is interfering in a person's life and telling them how you think ABOUT THIS field is wrong is disrespectful IN MY OPINION. So if it would be possible for you to answer me I would appreciate it as. I know you have a PATREON and a JOIN button. But i prefer do it in this way. I put much in "my opinion" because i don't want that this going to be understood like as if a i had the "absolute truth. PD 4:Plase i need to.know how i should label if i have mostly atracction to females but very rarely atracctions to males. I should label myself as bisexual? (Im not Anxious or obssesing it just want how society would see me i just that somethimes i remenber all this and i question to myself: Im liying my self? And i want to ask you a question that forgot to ask? What is for you to be you true self? I'm so sorry if i'm irritating you for read this long long coment but i just want to know... I don't know what i do... I feel like if i don't have a label i'm not valid and wrong. Please say me how i have to label...i know that its not good obsses or give much importarce to this. But reached this conclusión. The main problem is that i'm obsses withs labels and i don't know how i have to label myself If a person is mostly atracted to the same gender and super rarely or rarely atraccted to the opposite how would this person have to label? If that person label himself as straigth is wrong? It just i want to be my true self and not live in a lie so what King of label has to use this person? Thank you again.
Just some advice from a rando, since your comment was very deep in thought: 1. Labels actually serve 2 very different purposes, as you seem to have noticed. (A) labels are "shorthand" ways we describe ourselves to others so we can communicate effectively. (B) labels can help us understand ourselves by seeing that what we're experiencing personally is shared by others. However, I think it's easy for folks to get confused when they "mix" these two purposes. (A) The meanings of these label words changed with time and location, so sometimes a word that was accurate stops being popular or appropriate. This can be hard to navigate, since you don't want people to misinterpret, or try to force labels on you, but unfortunately that's just life. Honestly I recommend just picking whatever word is convenient and "mostly accurate" for communication and then not worrying about it. The world won't end if you change terms later, even if you didn't actually change yourself. Like you say, "what does it matter what someone's sexuality is?" and you actually have zero obligation to tell people your sexuality (no matter how popular that is to do right now). If you think picking a label is limiting, then don't and tell people that, and be yourself. Personally I recommend picking your battles -- for some people I tell them zero because it's none of their business, for closer people I will use a "simple" word like "bisexual" or whatever, and for very close people I might use more elaborate and detailed labels. (I personally don't understand why people use micro-labels on public profiles etc, but I'm just old.) (B) Describing yourself to yourself should be however makes you comfortable. You have zero need to justify your words to anyone else. If you consider yourself "mostly gay" or "mostly straight" instead of "bisexual", or if you want to use some microlabel to recognized some specific experience you have, then you have every right. The key here is, again, this is NOT the same as choosing a word when communicating with others. This is your internal experience and you can use whatever words you want. FYI, it's well documented in research that many bisexual people are more attracted to one gender or the other, that's perfectly normal. 2. You may have a disorder or condition that's making you "obsess with labels" unrelated to your sexuality. I get that strong impression from your comment tbh. Unfortunately, that means you have other stuff to work on.
I am nearly over bisexual who is dealing with anxiety because I was afraid that if I don’t put positive affirmation to myself about my sexuality, I keep on denying myself of who I am .
I think the wording of the first advice isn't good for overthinkers or very cerebral people. I would word it as: practice paying attention to your physical/body response to specific people (not just images online), instead of "thinking" about it. Like the second piece of advice says, it's "instinctual", and unrelated to our "higher level" wants. It's a literal "skill" to learn to interpret your body's messages like this, and unfortunately a lot of people don't get to develop this skill automatically at a young age.... but we can consciously learn when we're older. (Anecdotal advice, but as a very "thinking" person who also has alexithymia, I benefited from somatic-based therapy like Hakomi where you learn to recognize the physical sensations linked to emotion, instead of something like a cognitive-behavioral "thinking" style therapy.)
If you spend a lot of time (hours a day) ruminating about it and you're anxious looking for evidence for or against you being attracted to a certain gender, or if you "wanna know right now FOR SURE" then it's probably OCD. Sometimes with OCD you think your heart is beating fast because you're attracted to someone when it's actually because you're anxious. OCD is all about doubt, no matter which answer you give your brain "yes, I'm gay" or "no, I'm straight" it'll give you momentary relief, then the question will pop back "okay, but am I really?" and you overthink it again. Having other OCD themes or obsessions (verifications, cleanliness, symmetry, harm OCD...) is a tell that it's OCD and not just denial. If you're attracted to someone and wanna know if that makes you gay but you're not obsessing over "wanting to know for sure" for hours then it's probably not OCD
I like the point made at the end of the video but I feel like it can be complicated by internalized biphobia. Many monosexual people refuse to date a bi person, so my gut reaction is to keep my dating options open, when I’m primarily same sex attracted. My sexual attraction is exclusively same sex, but I have this nebulous romantic orientation.
I am attracted to makes, particularly sexually. I don’t feel comfortable being with women on an intimate level. I have had a few long term relationships but they have never lasted. It seems I have been in denial for years.
To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info.
Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining.
For more videos click the JOIN button.
I experience some of those. I am ace but I notice guys I think are atractive more often. When I see mm couples I think they look cute together and feel I want to have that. It does have an exciting layer of doing something "forbiden".
My atraction to girls come less naturally, few days ago I indeed force myself to create a pinterest mood board to check if I am atracted to girls... I think I am, but only for a very specific type. My first crush was with a girl, so I think I still have some of it in my brain. I had a lot of female friends, so I imagine have a female romantic partner would be easier, just advance the friendship in
the next level...
As I didnt experienced any real relationship (or kisses) yet, part of me still wonder if its all fantasy, and I am actually aro ace because I usually dont care about having a partner or relationship. I wouldnt reject one but I dont feel bad about not having it.
You could be gay and ace. So basically gay but barely horny enough to be gay
My brain is broken because I saw the thumbnail from a distance and thought: “Why is he talking about DNA? Oh, I get it: DeNiAl.”
Same bro 🤣
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was married to a woman. Afterwich was then married to a
man. I talk to them both regularly.I am Lucky that I fall for the person, not their (Gender).I am fundemintly broken. So please keep your chanel going. You keep me out of a cycle of DISPAIR XX00
Help me out... I been married 10 years. I have thoughts all the time of crossdressers I've slept with. Am I gay, bi, or was I just into fetish stuff?
Thanks!
Hey Tim thank you so so much for your kind gift! I’m so touched. I really appreciate you so much thank you! I’m sending so much love and gratitude your way. 🩷🩷🩷🩷
Hello.
I am writing because I am confused and don't know how to label myself.
Until very recently I thought that labels were terms that were mandatory in society or at least they seem to be.
Logically I wanted to know what I should call myself because there seems to be a certain pressure to put a label on us and that we can't change it.
When I found your channel I felt a great relief because I realised that it is not really necessary to have one and that pressuring someone to label themselves is wrong.
What came next was confusion because despite knowing that people put a lot of pressure on labels.
I also heard the belief that if you had a sexual orientation different from the "normative" you were obliged to declare it because otherwise you wouldn't be happy and many other things like "you should do this or you should do that".
PERSONALLY(just my opinion) we should not reproach anyone for doing something "wrong" because right and wrong in this matter PERSONALLY I think there is no such thing.
Basically I think we should leave everyone to their own lives and stay out of things that don't concern us, what does it matter what someone's sexuality is?
Why can't we respect other people's labels or the way someone defines themselves?
Why do we have to put so much responsibility on words?
These things have been going around in my head and that's why I'm confused.
Could you give me some advice or something?
Thank you very much for reading me.
Pd: i just want to know if im in the "wrong" label,if im living my life in a lie..
What do mean when you say:Make the label fit you?
PS 3:
I'm starting to believe that sexuality and gender labels are not a choice (correct me if I'm wrong, please).
It feels like a lot of people invalidate you and tell you that you are not "this" and that you are "that".
It would be easier if society didn't demand them from us so that people don't have to make a soup or a mental movie to figure out what they have to "call themselves", but it seems that you have to make the mental movie or else people will criticise you and demand a label.
It's unbelievable that they don't respect the label we describe ourselves with and describe you badly.
I understand that they are important because that's how all this social progress has been possible.
But I find it very impolite to be a know-it-all and invalidate a person's label.
"If a person is happy he will never be wrong", is my maxim.
That's why I'm confused.
It was lucky to find your channel and a relief, I think, that you are a great person and look at sexuality and gender the way I think it should be looked at.
But honestly no one is going to have a definitive answer everyone looks at sexuality and gender the way they want to and they are all valid.
What is wrong is interfering in a person's life and telling them how you think ABOUT THIS field is wrong is disrespectful IN MY OPINION.
So if it would be possible for you to answer me I would appreciate it as.
I know you have a PATREON and a JOIN button.
But i prefer do it in this way.
I put much in "my opinion" because i don't want that this going to be understood like as if a i had the "absolute truth.
PD 4:Plase i need to.know how i should label if i have mostly atracction to females but very rarely atracctions to males.
I should label myself as bisexual?
(Im not Anxious or obssesing it just want how society would see me i just that somethimes i remenber all this and i question to myself:
Im liying my self?
And i want to ask you a question that forgot to ask?
What is for you to be you true self?
I'm so sorry if i'm irritating you for read this long long coment but i just want to know...
I don't know what i do...
I feel like if i don't have a label i'm not valid and wrong.
Please say me how i have to label...i know that its not good obsses or give much importarce to this.
But reached this conclusión.
The main problem is that i'm obsses withs labels and i don't know how i have to label myself
If a person is mostly atracted to the same gender and super rarely or rarely atraccted to the opposite how would this person have to label?
If that person label himself as straigth is wrong?
It just i want to be my true self and not live in a lie so what King of label has to use this person?
Thank you again.
Just some advice from a rando, since your comment was very deep in thought:
1. Labels actually serve 2 very different purposes, as you seem to have noticed. (A) labels are "shorthand" ways we describe ourselves to others so we can communicate effectively. (B) labels can help us understand ourselves by seeing that what we're experiencing personally is shared by others. However, I think it's easy for folks to get confused when they "mix" these two purposes.
(A) The meanings of these label words changed with time and location, so sometimes a word that was accurate stops being popular or appropriate. This can be hard to navigate, since you don't want people to misinterpret, or try to force labels on you, but unfortunately that's just life. Honestly I recommend just picking whatever word is convenient and "mostly accurate" for communication and then not worrying about it. The world won't end if you change terms later, even if you didn't actually change yourself.
Like you say, "what does it matter what someone's sexuality is?" and you actually have zero obligation to tell people your sexuality (no matter how popular that is to do right now). If you think picking a label is limiting, then don't and tell people that, and be yourself. Personally I recommend picking your battles -- for some people I tell them zero because it's none of their business, for closer people I will use a "simple" word like "bisexual" or whatever, and for very close people I might use more elaborate and detailed labels. (I personally don't understand why people use micro-labels on public profiles etc, but I'm just old.)
(B) Describing yourself to yourself should be however makes you comfortable. You have zero need to justify your words to anyone else. If you consider yourself "mostly gay" or "mostly straight" instead of "bisexual", or if you want to use some microlabel to recognized some specific experience you have, then you have every right. The key here is, again, this is NOT the same as choosing a word when communicating with others. This is your internal experience and you can use whatever words you want.
FYI, it's well documented in research that many bisexual people are more attracted to one gender or the other, that's perfectly normal.
2. You may have a disorder or condition that's making you "obsess with labels" unrelated to your sexuality. I get that strong impression from your comment tbh. Unfortunately, that means you have other stuff to work on.
Overthinking on a loop? HAHAHA CAN’T RELATE 🌝
I am nearly over bisexual who is dealing with anxiety because I was afraid that if I don’t put positive affirmation to myself about my sexuality, I keep on denying myself of who I am .
I think the wording of the first advice isn't good for overthinkers or very cerebral people. I would word it as: practice paying attention to your physical/body response to specific people (not just images online), instead of "thinking" about it. Like the second piece of advice says, it's "instinctual", and unrelated to our "higher level" wants. It's a literal "skill" to learn to interpret your body's messages like this, and unfortunately a lot of people don't get to develop this skill automatically at a young age.... but we can consciously learn when we're older.
(Anecdotal advice, but as a very "thinking" person who also has alexithymia, I benefited from somatic-based therapy like Hakomi where you learn to recognize the physical sensations linked to emotion, instead of something like a cognitive-behavioral "thinking" style therapy.)
9:03 But how do you know whether you are just actually questioning your sexuality - vs. something more serious, like OCD?
If you spend a lot of time (hours a day) ruminating about it and you're anxious looking for evidence for or against you being attracted to a certain gender, or if you "wanna know right now FOR SURE" then it's probably OCD. Sometimes with OCD you think your heart is beating fast because you're attracted to someone when it's actually because you're anxious.
OCD is all about doubt, no matter which answer you give your brain "yes, I'm gay" or "no, I'm straight" it'll give you momentary relief, then the question will pop back "okay, but am I really?" and you overthink it again.
Having other OCD themes or obsessions (verifications, cleanliness, symmetry, harm OCD...) is a tell that it's OCD and not just denial.
If you're attracted to someone and wanna know if that makes you gay but you're not obsessing over "wanting to know for sure" for hours then it's probably not OCD
I like the point made at the end of the video but I feel like it can be complicated by internalized biphobia. Many monosexual people refuse to date a bi person, so my gut reaction is to keep my dating options open, when I’m primarily same sex attracted. My sexual attraction is exclusively same sex, but I have this nebulous romantic orientation.
My test for attraction is very rudimentary: Do I want to be them or be in them?
Want to be like those men, and I want to be in those women, but OCD sends all kinds of feelings, sensations, thoughs, etc
YES, THIS IS ME
really awesome video❤💕💚
Hey thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
I am attracted to makes, particularly sexually. I don’t feel comfortable being with women on an intimate level. I have had a few long term relationships but they have never lasted. It seems I have been in denial for years.