Depression | I Don’t Know About That with Jim Jefferies #41
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- In this episode, the team discusses depression with licensed marriage and family therapist, host of the "Ask Kati Anything" Podcast, and author of the upcoming book "Traumatized", Kati Morton (@ katimorton).
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i once confided in a friend that the main reason i would never buy a gun is for the same reason jim talked about. my friend wasn't shocked, just kinda confused. but it was so overwhelmingly emotional for me to hear jim say that because i've never heard anyone else say that. love you guys and the show so much!
A close mate of mine took his own life last Monday. Tell your people you love them.
Ollie was a proud advocate for men’s mental health. Any donation towards Beyond Blue, if you’re able, would be greatly appreciated.
Remember we are all in this together ❤️
Reach out brothers
😿😿😿
So sorry for your loss.😞 Take care.
Sorry to hear that man.
I know if many people who have taken their lives in the last year.
If not for the responsibility I have to my child I'd very likely be one of them.
The way the world has been handled is disgusting.
Sorry to hear, condolences!
Sorry to hear that sending my condolences
Forrest when he speaks is like a teddy bear running out of battery power.
He needs to fully bore-off. Cant stand him
I hope this makes comment world next week @jackhackett I legit burst out laughing reading this 🤣😂😆
If covid had a face and q voice it would be forrest
Made comment world, made my day, and made Jim laugh! Today is a great day! ❤️
I was horribly depressed in high school (started when I was 10) and I was not on social media. I do think social media is a huge influence on kids’ self-esteem though, so could definitely be a big contributor these days. I definitely still struggle with it, but it’s either not as bad as it was, or I’ve learned to cope with it better.
And it’s weird, because I found myself weighing the pros and cons of suicide, in (what I felt was) a rational, unemotional way. I didn’t want to hurt my loved ones, but I was exhausted by feeling the way I did all the time.
I remember one time driving home from work, and I remember exactly where I was when I heard this, someone on the radio talking about depression and suicide and him saying “I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to think about killing yourself every day” and I realized that was true for me as well. Your brain really does get into a loop and you lose perspective.
This was a great conversation 👍
This podcast is getting better and better. I feel for you, Kelly.🤗🌻🌹Been struggling with depression and negative self image my entire life due to a very traumatic childhood. Shows like this are important! And the so-called social media is a fucking CANCER slowly devouring society. Keep up the good work, guys.👍👍🍺🥃
Possibly the best episode yet. Piss-funny and genuinely really engaging. (I only got five minutes into the last episode once your guest came on) I work for a mental health Trust in the NHS and thought it was pretty good as a public health information service as well!
Jim and Burr's advert reads are the best.
I've said this before, its true. The only ads worth listening too.
I was thinking the same thing. Surely Butcher Box is getting their best money’s worth from those two blokes. Those wild Alaskan salmon you don’t know what they’re gonna do! I would’ve supported the sponsors if they were available in Aus lol
Conan and Norm get some honorable mentions here too.
Cumtown beats them all
Well they'd better be, taking up a third of the whole episode.
Only podcast that I don’t skip the add reads.
I see we've returned to actual experts this week, that's good.
47:58 that's exactly right jim, . . l reached that point that everybody would be better off without me, . . an early dog walker interrupted my attempt.
Just as I'm spiraling into my depressing thoughts, Jim uploads this gem to lighten things up
I listen to podcasts all day to dispel the silence that allows and encourages those spiralling thoughts to occur.. Hope you're OK man
@@jd-og2098 Yeah I've learnt not to let the silence in. My headphones are probably fused to my head but the music and podcasts keep the darkness at bay.
Love this podcast! Jim's openness on this topic has helped me a lot too. You're a legend!
This is a really good episode, you guys have been knocking them out of the park recently. I really like the team you have and hearing the jokes but also the honesty coming from you all as you speak about this is really cool.
Keep it up!
Kati was exceptionally pleasant to listen to, this was a great episode.
Finally a topic I'm an expert in. 20 years experience in the field. I'm 33.
Sorry to hear mate, I've been depressed until just before 40. Then they found out I was adhd as f*ck, and with some therapy and medication, finally all depression just cleared away like mist on a chilly summer morning. I hope you'll find your cause and manage to ascend out of it!
Ha, close on 30 years! I'm 43. Takes the win. Hang in there mate. Like Jim has said in his stand up before, just got to outlive it, keep on top of it, forgive yourself for those dark times. And, as I'm listening to Jim now, get to the other side like Jim's Dad. Best.
Been on Zoloft since i was 12, don’t know what I’m like without it 😅
@@Rona44 My doc gave me Zoloft when I was 7. It was new on the market at the time so I have to wonder if I wasn't a lab rat to see if it was safe for children.
@@CrystalLynn1988 oh boy😅 well I thank you for your service
"So there are people committing suicide that are in a good mood"
Thank you for tackling such a serious subject, opening up about your own issues with it, and pulling off making it a fun episode. Also, get Jack on camera, as well. Maybe that Mexican guy, too.
I think environment plays a much larger role than psychologists think. So much emphasis is put on "chemical imbalances" and pills being the solution. But many people have experienced significant trauma, that scars us, shapes us as people, then when a traumatized person raises children that traumatized personality plays a profound role on the kid's personality.
Robert Allen Palmer (19 January 1949 - 26 September 2003)
When im depressed I fluctuate. Sometimes I will oversleep for weeks or I will sleep 2-3 hours a night for weeks.
Thanks for the honesty you all approached this subject with. I assume everyone I meet is fucked up because life leaves very few people unfucked. We are all just trying to get through with as little pain as possible. Great show!
Came to this podcast thinking it was Rhys Darby...got this guy instead...that Kelly girl is a stone Cold PHOT though so I stuck around and actually learned something about depression...actually I know you jim jefferies...saw you at the Tulalip Casino where they paid you obscene amounts to make fun of the Asian high rollers who had no idea who you are lol.
FUCK YEHA GOT A SHOUT OUT ON MY POOIN COMMENT !! LOVE U JACK
Intelligent people often seem to be really happy to me. People like Richard Dawkins, Laurence Krauss, Neil deGrasse Tyson, etc. There may well be a certain level of intelligence where you start to question everything and that can maybe make you depressed, but going beyond that elementary scepticism there's a whole world of wonder and intellectual engagement that I think intelligent people can't help but be excited by.
This wasn't your funniest podcast... but was absolutely the BEST. Proper topic with a proper conversation that can affect everyone. I saw Jim (and Forrest)'s show in Seoul a few years back. I'm a fan. This was the best reply to last week's 'nonsense' topic.
Thank you for doing this one.
I do the Nazi documentary thing too, and listening to this I can relate to a lot of what Jim and Kelly are saying. Not so much Forest. I'm gonna keep coming back to this when I get depressed.
i think this is the best podcast you guys have done keep up the good work guys and thank you
My interest in psychology started today, with Kati. :-D
"Grass fed chicken"? Jim obviously needs a "Agriculture" episode, anyone who finished High School can be the Guest! (Love Jim though!)
Chickens that free range do eat grass.. so he's not wrong.
56:15 “Sorrow is knowledge: they who know the most must mourn the deepest o’er the fatal truth, the Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life.” - Byron
Facts
Actually did think Jim was a 110% A class asshole merit badge included, after watching much of this show I found out... He is 😂 but he's my type of asshole I too earned that merit badge
Comparing ourselves to others is definitely a catalyst to depression. For me, it's a learned condition caused by external factors. Being ugly and alone and poor your entire life is not something that can be treated by medication or therapy. I know that my life is worse than most everyone else my age (late 30s). All I have are regrets to look back on. Suicide is 100% a probability.
I'm in the same boat. Find that one thing to hold on for.
I can definitely relate to what you are saying man, how can you treat something that has always been there, something you know to your very core to be fact. But if you say that to a Dr they want to know why you think that etc, like there was one defining moment, if that was the case I would know what to say, what to work on. Or they say something like, but you know that's not true etc etc. I have never had any Dr or therapist that has, as far as I can tell, tried to help me deal with these feelings that have always been there, and when I finally start to release and scratch the surface of how I really feel about myself, about every aspect of myself, from failure to circumstantial, well the guy I still see occasionally has just never asked those questions again. Now I just tell him if I'm up or down from last time and he gives me my prescription. So this IS the part that has helped me, and the thing I wantec to comment on, medication obviously (unfortunately) doesn't help everyone, and it can be, and was for me, a difficult process to find 1 that helps. The biggest danger is taking one that makes it worse, but I was lucky that I recognised what was happening and stopped taking it straight away. I am now on something that has pulled me out of that spiral, or whatever you want to call it, and it has made a big difference, I do feel way clearer, and the voice that stops me from trying again has returned so I am out of "danger," but definitely not functional. I am now back to the way I've felt all my life and I know I always will, but I have been down the point of no return and now I know what it looks like, or at least I know the signs to look out for if that makes sense, and I actually want to prevent it happening again, which is actually a huge win for me, and recognising that is a win, in fact, saying anything is a win, is a win.
All I am trying to say man, is PLEASE don't give up. Please keep trying to reach out, you never know when something might come along that makes a difference. I recently discovered a guy here on TH-cam called Dr Gundry who has so much information about how much our gut health and what we eat can affect our lives. Yes, he has products and books etc, but some of the videos I have seen he doesn't say, buy my stuff to find out what you need to do etc, he actually tells you a tonne of info so you can make big changes for people who either can't or aren't willing to buy his books and products. What I've heard so far makes so much sense to me, changing what I eat is something that has a real chance of helping imo, and who knows, if you look him up and watch a podcast or 2, he also has lots of short posts about products etc, but his hour+ podcasts are filled with so much info about leaky gut and tips for things we can do now, for me at least I figure it can't hurt if it doesn't cost me anything and isn't a fad diet, it's just about replacing 1 vegetable for another that is way more beneficial for a huge range of health problems, so I think that might make a difference for me anyway, and if you do look into it I really hope you can get some use out of it as well.
I am sorry I have rambled on for so long, but your message really felt familiar, and my heart for real felt the pain in your words and I just want to say for what it's worth that I am so sorry you are going through this. But I know 1 thing for sure, pressing Send on a message you write that expresses that pain, whether it is your first-ever or one of many, pressing Send is Extremely Brave man (oh sorry,... or lady 🤔😊) In the past so many of mine got deleted before I sent it, so I can at least relate to how hard that can be, obviously we are all different and I might not be able to relate to what has brought you to this point, but I am hoping something made sense to you.
And I hope I'm not being preachy, I was more trying to explain why I related to your words. I really hope to hear back from you with any response good or bad, and thankyou for being so brave and sharing your thoughts. 😊👍👊
I bet there are people in your life that would be shocked to hear you feel that way. Please do reach out to someone you trust
@@pearcecooper7666 Spoken like someone who's never actually gone through any of this shit.
I forgot how much Jim helped me get though my sad days. When your happier it’s easy to forget what helps you back to happy One request looking for a good/funny weed strain name. Hoping you could help thanks for the funny
Joe Rogans an intelligent happy person. Richard Branson. Mick Jagger. Bill Gates isn't depressed is he?. Carl Sagan seemed pretty chilled. I'm not so sure about that hypothesis. Not so bright people can have depression too, i mean, if they're so smart, why don't they avoid and at least realise the things that are making them unhappy?, unless its genetic, but i'm not informed enough to comment on that. And listen, I've had depression since i was 13, I'm 29 now. I think creative people can certainly be depressed, the whole tortured artist thing. I'm an artist and have been in some dark alleys in my own head, isolation, ocd, and did i mention my anxiety since i was a child?. As I've gotten older I've avoided the terrible stories, all that crap. Part of what makes us sad is our caring for things, we should learn to become emotionally remote, the clinging to what we care about is what makes us suffer, care, yes, but don't cling. And also, the resistance to the unpleasant feeling, is what amplifies it -- not one person has lived their whole life in constant happiness. These days, when I'm sad, i try to see the lesson in it. And you know what?, it never lasts, i knock off the screens 4 hours before bed, i get up early, walk my dog, play some football with him, and go to the woods. Trees actually release a pheromone that has lasting positive effects on our mental health for up to one month. You have to balance out solitude, with company. I'm starting to have more happy days now than i have in years, virus or no virus.
This episode could use a sequel!
I wanna thank you Jim, your my favourite comedian and I have so much respect for and how honest you are about all of the things you have been through. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since I was about 12 and I’m 30 now and it caused all sorts of problems in my life. The COVID situation has made it all worse, but you make me feel like there is a reason to keep going g and I thank you.I find you an inspiration and love your pod cast, keep up the good work dude
I liked this one - unlike last week. More like this, scientific, qualified, measurable stuff - not tree-hugging, vag-scented candles and crystal auroras type f*cks.
Yess
Kelly made a point that I very much agree with, yet rarely hear mentioned.
When day to day life is just an endurance event, when you get no pleasure from anything, just pain, then ending that can make logical sense in your mind.
If a person was in constant physical pain, and ended their life, many would at least be able to understand why they did it, even if they did not agree.
Yet for a person who does not suffer from mental illness, it is almost impossile to understand how bad having to exist feeling this way is.
Go for it.
The 12 step program has a saying that is a constant tool I use and offered to everyone:
“Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle”.
I agree. If you haven't been there, you can't fully understand it. And most people have not been that close to the edge.
Its yes/no yes/no yes/no??? This entire year i thought it was "theres no, theres no, theres nooooo judging a book by its cover."
Yes
No
bruh he's asking YES or NO questions. lol 😆 I get it though.
My friend Dave. Your friend Dave. ...is it the same Dave? There's no way to find out. Or IS there? AlsoWeCanTalkAboutKangaroos.
So many comedy podcasts but this one makes me LOL. Jim, Forest, Kelly,Jack. and even Louis. You are much loved !!!
And please do a Beatles episode!!
I envy people with bipolar because I get all the extreme lows without the highs
Try some cannabis and occasional 3 to 4 gram mushroom trip
Yeah, I'm just polar* too!
*(Monopolar? Solopolar? Unipolar?)
@@kenlieck7756 😂 Yeah maybe monosingular syndrome?
I always think people have their own problems so they don't need to hear mine...
This episode is really chillin' my buzz... 😜
You guys are great and I love you!
So I had sadness for four years under the Trump administration and not depression????
Kati is great! It's funny to see her actually holding back on her humor after being introduced to her by her friendship with Christina P. She's been on Where My Mom's At? a number of times, which I highly recommend.
Where's this 'roast' they're talking about at the beginning?
Fantastic episode. Thank you all for sharing in something that is so personal and difficult.
Strength and love.
Best of yet guys!
Going through it right now and really needed to hear this.
Kinda scared to click on this when I'm stoned
Don't be 😄
It's ok
Brilliant episode!
Forcing yourself for a daily walk (~30mins) - outside if possible - does a lot of good. I suffer from chronic migraines and I take a small daily dose of Entrip 10mg (amitriptyline hydrochloride) and because of my condition I often just walk on the treadmill (often listen/watching something at the same time). It does help... I couldn't tell you why, maybe it's the brain releasing chemicals, maybe its the bloodflow through the body. My Neurologist strongly recommends his patients do a little bit of exercise every day (if they are able), doesn't have to be anything crazy - a simply walk out side can be quite beneficial. Of cause it's never that simple when you feel like shit... so to anyone that has been feeling a bit low lately, perhaps make a playlist of your favourite tunes and take 30 mins out of your day tomorrow and go for a walk. If you are unable to go outside and do not have a treadmill - make up a stretch routine, a goal of touching your toes! Spend ~10 - 15mins each day, inching closer to that goal!
Kati is great. Shes on Where my moms at podcast a lot. I started listening to Ask Kati Anything. She's really relatable with her explanations
knew she looked familiar, thnx for confirming mommy. love you.
Great topic. I've suffered from depression a few years ago so I monitor myself. Specially when I am too anxious. Keeping traumas and pain in a some sort of invisible box doesn't help. When I had suicidal thoughts I used to think my family would be much better without me. I felt I didn't had a purpose so I can relate to all you've discussed.
Some people still think that depression is sth people can chose and that if a person wants it, it just goes away.
Education on mental health is needed. Thanks Jim for talking about it.
I've suffered from depression since being a teenager but I can control it a lot better now. I went through phases of genuinely thinking my daughter would be better off without me. I was having severe depressive episodes. Now she's 14 and it makes me feel guilty that I thought that but I know now that it's because I was in a very dark place. Now I know she needs me and we've got a great relationship. Everyday is a fight but that's okay, it's worth the struggle.
Watch cant get you out of my head by adam curtis worth a watch its about the things that happen behind the scenes of world governments and perception of human behaviour.... Its a few part documentary and got me hooked, would love to see adam curtis on the show
That was decent from Forrest, saying a few honest words about Dustin. There is a lesson here: *Do Not! Let your kids go down avenues of fame. It's obviously not good for fragile/developing minds.*
You wouldn't push your child onto a railway track on the off chance, he, might not, get hit by a train.
I’m already an expert on this one
Circa 57:44 Jim! Don't do it. Even if you're not talking about your wife, she'll think you are.
Stay for the party fact people!!
Bring back Quaaludes. Depression gone in minutes.
Cannabis the past ninety years instead of alcohol would of saved lives.
Isn’t Kari Morton in some dramas for exploiting other TH-camrs? Either way super proud that y’all talk about topics like depression and mental health. Best wishes!
I have suffered multiple strokes (TIA) and I don't think I was ever the same.
The dead (or their estate) can’t sue for defamation, libel or slander, so you can say whatever you want about Robert Palmer even if you know it isn’t true.
Social media.... a “very young” couple with kids got TH-cam famous then the young man just committed suicide. KOYAANISQATSI : life out of balance
It will be great to see Jack too while he speaks
Ditch the jingles. That's my advise.
It's good advice
What has Cheeto Christ done for psychoanalysis. ???? Don’t tell the great orange one he’ll try to corner the market.
I have literally thrown my back out sitting in a shit chair eating mushrooms looking at trees blowing in the wind
Please get a better chair❣️
I hope the experience was worth the pain. Try a cushion next time. 😉
I loved seeing Katie on Where's My Mom's At also. Nice pick you guys! This is a timely topic for sure. Thank you❤
Love comet world...love shrooms on the roof....keep crushing it guys!! Give them what they want
i dont wanna be that person, but might i ask why the likes/dislikes for the videos are disabled?
genuinely loved this episode tho
Love a new Jim jefferies upload! At 04:23 there's a certificate on the wall,I didn't know jim jefferies was qualified in medicine and surgery!
So glad people are talking about mental health more and more
He's a brain surgeon!
man this is brilliat no fucking elephant in the room..when the pubs openin ..a happy paddy
So glad you guys had Hannah McKay on. Should of asked her about the poisoning and that guy Dexter.
Love the show you old convict. Hey Jim what's your favourite Beatles album?
Jim wins the award for best interpretive ad reading. Cracks me up every time-reminds me of my pop creatively reading me bedtime stories when I was a kid.
Great podcast,
Lots of love to you all at IDKAT.
Especially the ones behind the scenes.
I actually thought the theme song for jim guessing a book by its cover was timed pretty good, then the sigh comes out of no where...
Chuck a few ads in f ya
Interesting that they chose *not* to advertise Betterhelp this episode...
To be fair they had a past controversy where it wasn't actually qualified professionals helping out even though they first advertised it so I don't blame them
do they normally? I don't think I have heard an ad for it on this channel....maybe I missed it?
The sponsors change for each podcast depending on amount of contract. Some sponsors are only committed to a few spots
The people who sell our ads, like Jim, have no idea what the topic will be. So just coincidence- not planned.
I have so much respect for Forrest, what he said about Dustin Diamond was really great. Perspective.
Great show!!! Important topic and thanks for being open to sharing your experiences
Kati is beautiful.
I used to smoke grass and go into nature and look at birds. I also saw my first badger whilst stoned. I don't smoke the grass anymore but I still look at birds and have a £500 telescope and some £800 binoculars and have been to Spain, Russia, USA looking at birds and NOT getting stoned.
Though watching a flock of bright pink flamingoes fly over me in Spain was LIKE being stoned.
Great episode! Shout out to all my bipolar sisters and brothers from another mother.
At one point Jim asked, "There's people committing suicide in a good mood?" In one of his great books, Kurt Vonnegut quoted a famous jazz pianist saying "Someone shoot me while I’m happy!" If I were ever to get a tattoo, that would be it.
I always enjoy IDKAT, and I enjoyed this one. But you've also done some real good to discuss this and talk about it in public. I've had Bi-Polar for many decades, and what was said here was spot-on and rang very true to me. It wouldn't surprise me if this episode even saves a few lives. Nice work.
Not sure where to start but...
Jack, WTF... you're a USC grad, come for money how are you not 5 deep in the L.A. honey's? Maybe it's time to explore your path out of the closet?
Forrest, you meet expectations... but for shit's sake speak into the the microphone constantly as you trail off when you're talking while looking down and we can't hear you.
Kelly, why did you join this group? I've been following Jim for a few years now and while Forrest and Jack are regular sidekicks why do you want to be wrapped up in this?
Jim... I've been a fan for awhile, I have even seen your standup show a couple times in Santa Barbara, made the trek to LA for the Jim Jefferies Show, listen to your post show podcast and now there is this... what happen?! So, now you're married, you made Forrest get his own place and Jack is still struggling with manhood, you've changed my friend... but still love your act.
On the positive, I like comment world and your content/show structure is getting better.
This is a very enlightening episode. Thank u Jim.
Bennett in commando was an Aussie villain
I hit every point they speak of here,.... yet, I cannot get SSI?
13. Getting you so tired of arguing that you'll relent. While some controlling people like to exert their influence under the radar, many others are openly and chronically argumentative and embrace conflict when they can get it. This can be especially true when their partner is more passive and the controlling person is likely to triumph in every disagreement that comes up, just because the partner being controlled is more conflict-avoidant in nature or simply exhausted from the fighting that they've done.
14. Making you feel belittled for long-held beliefs. Maybe it's your faith or your politics. Maybe it's cultural traditions or your view of human nature. It's great when our partners can challenge us in interesting discussions and give us new ways of looking at the world. It is not great when they make you feel small, silly, or stupid, or they consistently try to change your mind about something important to you that you believe in. Openness to new experience is wonderful-but a controlling partner doesn't see it as a two-way street, and only wants you to be and think more like they do.
15. Making you feel you don't "measure up" or are unworthy of them. Whether by subtly making you feel less attractive than they are, constantly reinforcing their professional accomplishments as compared to yours, or even comparing you unfavorably to their exes, controlling people often want you to feel grateful that you are in a relationship with them. This creates a dynamic where you will be more willing to work harder and harder to keep them and make them happy-a dream for someone who wants to dominate a relationship.
16. Teasing or ridicule that has an uncomfortable undercurrent. Humor and even teasing can be a fundamental mode of interacting within many long-term relationships. The key aspect is whether it feels comfortable and loving to both parties. In many controlling relationships, emotional abuse can be thinly veiled as "I was just playing with you; you shouldn't take it personally." And in one fell swoop, not only does the original criticism stand, but now an additional criticism of you having the "wrong" reaction has been levied. And you're basically being told that you don't have a right to your own feelings-a classic move by controlling people everywhere.
17. Sexual interactions that feel upsetting afterwards. An abusive or controlling dynamic within a relationship can often make its way into the bedroom. Sometimes things feel wrong even in the moment, but other times it's a pattern of feeling uncomfortable after the interaction. Either way, when you feel consistently unsettled about goings-on within your sexual realtionship, it's a sign that something is wrong.
18. Inability or unwillingness to ever hear your point of view. You may notice that you are constantly interrupted, or that opinions you express are quickly dismissed or were never acknowledged in the first place. Perhaps the conversation is always so overwhelmingly dominated by your partner that you can't remember the last time they asked you a meaningful question about how you were doing and actually listened to the answer. Think, too, of whether you've ever tried to give them feedback about how their behavior makes you feel-and whether they've actually been able to take it in, or whether they've dismissed it out of hand (or perhaps even blamed you for having an invalid opinion.)
19. Pressuring you toward unhealthy behaviors, like substance abuse. Undermining your fitness goals, constantly tempting you with cigarettes when you've quit, not respecting your decision to only have one drink rather than three-these are all ways that controlling people can try to thwart your attempts to be a healthier (and stronger) person. Since controlling people thrive on weakening their partners, it's a natural tool for them to use.
20. Thwarting your professional or educational goals by making you doubt yourself. Maybe you always assumed you would go to law school, but now your partner is making you feel your grades weren't good enough to get in. Maybe you used to have a lot of drive to own your own business, but your partner tends to think of your ideas as silly and you find you've lost confidence to pursue them further. Often a controlling partner has a way of using you as a weapon against yourself, by planting seeds of doubt about whether you're talented or smart or hard-working enough to make good things happen in your life. This is another way they can take away your autonomy, making you more beholden to them-and serving their purposes quite nicely.
Hi IDKAT crew, I'm a long time fan of Jim in general and the show specifically, I've listened to every episode, except half of the episode on pies and breaking bad because I haven't seen breaking bad yet but I'm considering watching the whole show just for those 20 minutes,
I suffer from depression a few years now and this episode meant a lot to me, as well as Jim's bits about depression in his stand-up. The episode made me cry a bit which was a bit awkward because I was at the at a supermarket. I shared the episode with everybody I know. Thank you all for real for this episode. And happy birthday to Jim, hope you liked the video I sent :)
1. Isolating you from friends and family. It may start subtly, but this is often a first step for a controlling person. Maybe they complain about how often you talk to your brother on the phone, or say they don't like your best friend and don't think you should hang out with her anymore. Or they try to turn you against anyone that you're used to relying on for support besides them. Their goal is to strip you of your support network, and thus your strength-so that you will be less likely or able to stand up against them whenever they want to "win."
2. Chronic criticism-even for small things. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner's criticism of them is warranted, or that their partner is just trying to help them be a better person. Or they may try to rationalize it, saying that it's not such a big deal that he or she doesn't like the way they dress or speak or eat or decorate their house and that they shouldn't take it personally. But ultimately, no matter how individually small a criticism seems, if it's part of a constant dynamic within your relationship, it would be very tough to feel accepted, loved, or validated. If every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner's eyes, then how are you being valued as a true equal, let alone loved unconditionally?
3. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats by the controlling person to harm herself or himself can be every bit as emotionally manipulative as the threat of physical violence. It is not unheard of for the partner being controlled to feel stuck in a relationship not out of fear that they themselves will be harmed, but that their partner may self-destruct or harm themselves if they were to leave. Other times, a person may be threatened with losing their home, access to their children, or financial support if they leave a controlling or abusive partner (or are left by them). Whether or not the threats are genuine, it is just another way for the controlling person to get what they want at the expense of their partner.
4. Making acceptance/caring/attraction conditional. "I love you so much more when you're making those sales at work." "I don't feel like being intimate with you. But if you keep working out and lose a bit more weight, you'll be more attractive to me." "If you can't even be bothered to make dinner, I don't even know what I'm getting from this relationship." "You'd be hot if only you spent more time on your hair." "If you'd actually finished college, you'd have something to talk about with my friends and wouldn't feel so left out." Though some of these examples are more blatant than others, the message is the same: You, right now, are not good enough. It's the common-denominator theme of many a controlling relationship.
5. An overactive scorecard. Healthy, stable relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. It's inherent that you will look out for each other, and not bean-count every little time you do something to help the other out. If your partner always keeps tally of every last interaction within your relationship-whether to hold a grudge, demand a favor in return, or be patted on the back-it could very well be their way of having the upper hand. And it can be downright exhausting.
6. Using guilt as a tool. Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner's own emotions work in the controlling person's favor. If they can manipulate their partners into feeling a steady stream of guilt about everyday goings-on, then a lot of the controlling person's work is done for them-their partners will gradually try to do whatever they can to not have to feel guilty. Often this means relenting and giving up power and their own dissenting opinion within the relationship, which plays right into the controlling person's hands.
7. Creating a debt you're beholden to. Controlling people may come on very strongly in the beginning with seemingly romantic gestures. But upon closer inspection, many of those gestures-extravagant gifts, expectations of serious commitment early on, taking you for luxurious meals or on adventurous outings, letting you have full use of their car or home when they're not there-can be used to control you. Specifically, they create an expectation of you giving something in return, or a sense that you feel beholden to that person because of all they've given you. This can make it more emotionally and logistically difficult to escape when further warning bells go off.
8. Spying, snooping, or requiring constant disclosure. A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. Whether they keep their snooping secret or openly demand that you must share everything with them, it is a violation of boundaries from the get-go. Perhaps he or she checks your phone, logs into your email, or constantly tracks your Internet history, and then justifies this by saying they've been burned before, have trust issues, or the old standard: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you shouldn't mind showing me." It's a violation of your privacy, hand-in-hand with the unsettling message that they have no interest in trusting you and instead want to take on a police-like presence within your relationship.
9. Overactive jealousy, accusations, or paranoia. A partner's jealousy can be flattering in the beginning; it can arguably be viewed as endearing, or a sign of how much they care or how attached they are. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be scary and possessive. A partner who views every interaction you have as being flirtatious, is suspicious or threatened by multiple people you come in contact with, or faults you for innocent interactions because they may be "leading someone on" may be insecure, anxious, competitive or even paranoid. Additionally, when this perspective becomes ingrained within your relationship, they very likely are attempting to be controlling as well.
10. Not respecting your need for time alone. It's another way of sapping your strength: making you feel guilty for time you need on your own to recharge, or making you feel like you don't love them enough when you perhaps need less time with them than they need with you. It is natural that two partners may not automatically have the exact same needs in terms of alone time, even if they are both extroverts (or introverts). In healthy relationships, communication about those needs leads to a workable compromise. In controlling ones, the person needing the alone time is made out to be a villain or denied the time altogether, taking away yet another way they can strengthen themselves.
11. Making you "earn" trust or other good treatment. Of course you will trust someone you've dated for five years more than you trust the person you've been seeing for a month. But some amount of trust should be assumed or inherent within the relationship. For instance, as mentioned, you shouldn't always have to detail your whereabouts for every moment of every day, nor should your partner automatically have the right to access your email or texts or Internet search history. If trust or even civil treatment is viewed as something you need to work up to rather than the default setting of the relationship, the power dynamic in your relationship is off-kilter.
12. Presuming you're guilty until proven innocent. Again, a controlling person is often very skilled at making you feel that you've done something wrong even before you realize what you did. You may walk in the door to find them already angry about something that they found, thought about, or decided in your absence. And they may keep "evidence" of your wrongdoing to a point that you may feel they've got a whole case against you-even if you don't quite understand it. From where you put their favorite coffee mug to whether you had lunch with a coworker without them knowing, you will always be assumed to have had criminal motives. Why do they do this? To use it as justification for punishing you in some way, or preemptively trying to keep you from making that "error" again-to keep you acting in ways they want you to.
Some have to find reason and purpose to overcome depression, and sometimes a tad of shuadenfruaden is involved as I enjoy pissing off fascists. I am a ex-heroin addict from '98 to '08 and stopped drinking in '15 depression haunts my footsteps and I love to laugh. I always know I may have to die in an ill-fitting way due to the circumstances of our society, there is no forgiveness I am who I am and life must go on but there is nothing, nothing but the void and the echos of evil that bellow in the darkness as well on the internet. And yes it is true stupid people have stupid children, just like when two ugly people have children. Depression is not heretical, it's mostly circumstance & environment.
Dysthymia and Hyperthymic are of the same class though there are differences that can make it hard to distinguish. Diagnosed Hyperthymic, always moving at high speed, annoying optimist, lows. My son is Dysthymic , we've worked together with therapy for 30 years.
Fuck, I'd love to sit on a roof and eat some mushrooms with Kelly. Nothing weird, just sounds like a delightfuly full on evening.
Also, Jim taking control of the podcast is fuken great.
In all seriousness, thanks guys, this helps a lot.
I met Dustin when the show first started. Him and his dad were outside Albertsons grocery store in Anaheim CA. We chatted for an hour or so. They were cool people. Not long after I found out a friend knew Dustin from a catholic school.