5 Phrases for Becoming Assertive
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ม.ค. 2012
- Check out my follow up video "Navigating Narcissism." • Navigating Narcissism ...
Clear, direct communication is the key to getting what you want. But what does that sound like? Author, Vikki Carrel, shares five phrases to help you become more assertive.
Assertive Communication is the ability to honestly express your feelings or opinions without anxiety or anger. Assertive communication should not be confused with aggressive behavior. Assertive behavior is clear and direct communication.
1. I am not prepared to support that idea.
Act and speak assertive -Avoid adding qualifiers to your opinions and feelings
2. When you interrupt me I feel angry.
Take responsibility for yourself and your feelings.
-Use I statements
3. You have come home late the past few nights - I am concerned.
Focus on the facts.
-Talk about the problem - not about blaming or accusing
4. I see that you are frustrated and I understand your reaction - let's talk again tomorrow.
Allow time to cool down and process.
- Defuse an unproductive outcome
5. Here is my receipt - I would like to return this dress and get my money back.
Keep repeating your request.
-Avoid arguing or being manipulated
Vikki Carrel is an author, speaker and founder of The Empowerment Project. www.vikkicarrel.com
Five phrases for becoming more assertive:
1. I am not prepared to support that Idea, (dont ask qualifiers)
2. When you interrupt me I feel angry (focus on facts)
3. You come home late the past few nights - I am concerned
4. I see that you are frustrated and I understand your reaction - let's talk tomorrow. You are tot aggressive or not withdrawing either.
5. I can meet you at one o clock but 2o clock does not work for me today. Its all about what means to you and what are important for you
When you are assertive and you are met with aggression, domination, control and invalidation instead of empathy, that is a clear sign you are dealing with a mentally disordered individual. If your way is clear or can be made clear to go no contact then you must be assertive and remove them totally from your life.
It is interesting how they said a man can be assertive in the workplace, but they gave examples of how a woman can be assertive at home. News flash: most women in our day and age do work.
I really like the statement, "I sense that you are frustrated, and I understand your reaction." That is such a composed, seeming compassionate yet emotionally distancing statement. It gives me a chance to back away from the situation without exacerbating the problem or having to deal with it right away. Clever.
There's no need for the men/women distinction with this topic. Both men AND women can be permissive and so can become more assertive
Exactly, it's the same advice lol
Agreed
Exactly lol
"I'm sorry but I'm not prepared to deal with an idiot right now."
These words offended me. Is that your intention?
Stages of being assertive:
1. understand ur rights and what you can be assertive about (check bill of rights)
2. Check for dangers (aggression, alcohol/drugs, weapons etc)
3. choose/decide on a good time "I'd really like to talk to you for a few minutes, when would be good for you?"
4. now to be assertive. (state the situation, why its important to you, posible solutions/outcomes, check in with them and remember to compromise).
Good luck
I have such a hard time being assertive...I get extreme anxiety when thinking about it. I've never been that person...I've always been told what to do, and I'm fine with being assertive through email/text...but speaking to someone assertively in person or on the phone terrifies me. My boss actually told me I need to learn this in order for me to advance because I keep letting others tell me what they'll do and I'll just adjust around their plans rather than me telling them what needs to be done and making sure they comply. I'm a pushover, basically...lol I've known this for years, but now I actually have to learn this, and it's exciting and terrifying all at the same time...
Same
3:10 She put her in her place for real lol
You're absolutely right. We no longer are living in an era (40's, 50's, etc.) where this exists anymore due to people being given certain rights.
This video is stress full cause those the man and lady are jumping on the guest...like they are going to eat her...the speaker has such a nice and calm voice...
starts at 2:10
After all the crap at the start I just read the comments lol
Just the tips I needed. Thank you
I am always assertive and it causes a lot of problems, especially in the workplace. Many ppl cant deal with assertiveness. If anything I am always being told I am too assertive and that being assertive is RUDE! I know that this couldn't be any further than the truth. However I think supervisors are a bit intimidated by assertive employees. PPl in general are intimidated by others who are assertive
I am not sure if is your situation, but I have a coworker who thinks she is assertive but she project aggressiveness and rudeness. I would suggest for you to have a friend you trust provide feedback for you.
There is a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness. It's a matter of degree.
And most persons cant distinguish the difference between the two, in that when one is assertive, the other person may perceive it as aggressiveness solely because they cant handle people being straightforward with them; so they label them as being aggressive to minimize the TRUTH.
You are definitely not being assertive. I know one toxic friend of mine who claims to be assertive & ooen minded, but that's not the case. She's not assertive at all. She's aggressive, pushy, demanding. Assertive does not hurt others. It makes both you and the person you're speaking comfortable. Because you are expressing yourself without hurting others or yourself and the other person is sure that you are neither a doormat nor aggressive.
I'm also a Potato You dont know me to make such assumptions, I do not enjoy putting down others at all, and I am not a toxic individual. Sorry to hear about your friend, however if he or she is a toxic person, perhaps you can address that with them directly. Thanks for sharing.
Women can be assertive in the workplace indeed. A man doesn't always have to be assertive at the workplace. This fellow in the video is being blunt and sexist. He just seems aggressive which is not good at all. He just didn't let the expert speak. Women being assertive is mandatory. Assertive women do very well at the work place!
Rocket Science
3:26 What type of communication is he using with that sentence?
What if you say something bossy but say it in a soft way?
"..Give us an example of how that would work."
He doesn't even ask. He just tells you and waits for a response. Even the lady responds with "okay" like she's hesitant (0:32) Is telling more assertive than asking? Because the guy sounded aggressive even though he didn't have anger.
Love this. Great idea to start at home so that you can increase your confidence and how comfortable you are with being assertive. Cheers!
She's expressing her view. It doesn't need to be factual. Take it as an example. Don't let it irritate you. I know, sometimes, I have to remind myself that it's not about me or what gender I am.
Jeepers the male presenter keeps lumping assertive and aggressive together - big difference!!!!
Dear Vikki, i adore your communication skills. I love the way you speak, the way u listen and the way you talk. It just amaze me. I am learning to be assertive in my communication and found this video. You are inspiring. Do write a book on assertive communication, i would love to buy it. Thank you
Great tips!
Fantastic.
Liked these tips - clear and direct ! I'm on a quest to build self-esteem with nathaniel brandens book, the six pillars of Self-esteem, and right now I'm on the fourth pillar; the practice of self-assertiveness. Didn't realise how much work I have to do untill I really started focus in on it! Share my reflections in my vlog if your interested in the development perspective of being assertive. Have a great day, Alexander
Thank you Vikki. Great stuff!
You are so welcome!
Thank u for this video
what i think is great is when feelings are expressed in your example. what i found not so great was when you say 'When you interupt me' that can easily be interpeted as a judgement or blame and opens it up to a retort. if we say when i am talking and you start talking at the same time i feel ….. because i have a need to be heard. then make a request…would you be willing to wait until I finnished talking before you you have your say.
but in reality if someone is talking over the top of you, they are needing some empathy before doing your observation feeling and request dialogue
Congratulations for you ❤❤❤❤❤
Awesome video
I'm going to share this in my Facebook Group, "Take Back Your Life MTL" :)
Assertiveness is achieved when one learns how to properly balance, both, their passive and aggressive sides.
Very useful. Because we rate this, we've embedded this in our MTL Course Plans on ManageTrainLearn and on our online courses on My Learning Log so it's available to a bigger audience. Thanks!
Thanks! I appreciate you sharing this video through your online courses!
Vikki Carrel hi I'm Fluttershy I just want um... to be more insertive so I watched your video hope you don't mind um... I'm sorry😳
Trouble comes when a placid person learns to be assertive and aggressive people dont like it as they aren't just doing what they are told without question.
The author is On point! The other two mehhhh lol
In some of these phrases (I don't think I'm prepared to address this at this time) directed to the other person you come across as weak and passive, inviting aggressiveness.
Wow, that repeating one is used by people who manipulate me. I'll have to flick it back!
This is really good. Some great advice. How can I assertively talk to my neighbor about asking them to stop slamming their doors? My apartment shakes, it's so loud! But I don't want to appear aggressive when speaking to them...
This is a difficult one
"When you close your doors, my apartment shakes. Would you try closing them with less force?"
I would defer Transactional Analysis, as assertiveness may not always be perceived by the other party in the manner presented. By understanding the 3 Ego states first, then the appropriate response can be determined. Not taking away from from the video, but adding the underlying foundation on which much of these type of 'pop' psychology approaches are based and that the Media intends to ignore since it does not grab headlines. I noticed that the 'reporters' tried to tie it back to gender issues and that is simply decisive, but had the media not pushed the gender narrative and focused on the content, both 'reporters' would have listened more and stopped continually using the word 'aggression' in place of 'assertive'. Watch the video again if you did not notice both issues out of gate. It is a media tactic to drive interest, but is not always healthy or accurate.
-Stay informed my friends
LOL, I think that's a pretty succinct response that doesn't does not escalate a situation. I sometimes find myself entangled in escalating interactions on YT & I never use foul, angry language, I validate their positions, but they don't reciprocate while their anger & insults escalate until I end it by saying, "You are incapable of having an objective, respectful conversation. You can have the last word, but I won't read it." I think this might be passive aggressive, what do you think?
mehvish ,you are right, i have the same feeling. they are too loud towards that lady.
This was educational, however I did notice a fair deal of interuption.
Vikki, thanks SO much for this information🙏🏻
Question: will this approach work with a Covert Narcissist? It's way past the point where I need to stand up for myself to her because she has steamrolled my boundaries for years and she's a very unreceptive person. It's a family member that I live in the same house with, so no contact is not an option. Thank you!
I uploaded a new video called "Navigating Narcissism." There's additional strategies you may benefit from regarding your situation.
Vikki Carrel Thank you so much🙏🏻I will check it out immediately! Much appreciation to you!
I understood Thomas David perfectly. The message being made within the words were perfectly clear. Yo- Davey... Don't ever stop saying your thoughts! I commend you, "Davey" to take your time to offer a public opinion. Good on you!!
ahh yes but in that moment when triggers inside of you are being set off its very complicated. I have to try and sit with it before i say something i feel i should appolgise for, because in my case its at a family dinner and i cant exactly get up and leave the table, esp when im eating and what happens is, my Mom is trying to get everyone in the room to agree with her, and maddenly, they do... for example, i take three sugars in my tea and my mom says i shouldnt be taking any but to me i dont see that's a problem because i only drink tea perhaps three times a week and i say this calmy, and she says i shouldnt be having any - then other people in the room will agree to her, soneone might say, "perhaps try two instead of three," or "here you go use my sweetener" and or "its up to her aint it" and that's if i get that, but i still know they dont approve...
i dont know what to say because clearly it feels like everyone is slowly, but surely, ganging up on me, they've gone out their way so i feel uncomfortable and when they know they aint gunna change what im doing after they dictate what i should or should not do they look down their noses at what they consider as childish behaviour - now im becoming more hurt and angry becausr of this - they, are only interested in one right answer... Id perhaps if i wanted to, say, "i suppose, i'll gave two instead of three..." and they'l come down with more pressure because thats not the answer they want to hear they'l say "no, you'll get diabeties its on the increase and they'll have to amputate your feet." Or "there are plenty of sugars in your foods adding more in your tea isnt the way forward' or "try my sweetner... come on,"
i just think only drinking tea three times a week is a stupid thing to get a great big arguement over to stop me from doing it because that is ultemately what they are trying to do and unless i cave and try tea with sweetner and im asked if its okay - what am i meant to say "oh its ok" to be polite or "no, it tastes awful."
I do be calm about it all at first until they slowly amp up the pressure and i know i do try blocking it out and when i cant hold it i end up insulting everyone on the room and apparently my sisters husband has to walk out of the room!!
I think you should have just made a joke about it and said something like, you are all so funny! Maybe I need more sugar so I can get as sweet as you are. And then you laugh at your own silly joke, and put your sugar in and sing out loud, "I'm a sweetypie' and then say something like....did you hear the joke about knock knock...tell the joke...and then you break the ice and ask, do anybody else have a good joke to share?
@@yerasmus4025 in order to do that and laugh I have to not react to my triggers. When I try to do that when I'm triggered it comes out wrong and rubbs people up the wrong way but I do get what your saying x
big difference between aggressive and assertive.
i find that when ever some one says, I do not appreciate that you called me an ass...
that is not really what they want to say and I have no words back to them...may be
i am wrong..or could have a different response?
Here's the thing, none of this is ever going to work if you don't have a dog in the game. In other words, if you have no collateral in any of these situations you'll just get laughed at. Try being assertive with a manipulative person that already has a strategic advantage over you. The only way you can survive situations like that is you just walk away and never see that person again. If they don't have you to constantly push your buttons or bully, they'll just give up and find another human punching bag.
I've had to quit a job that I excelled at because no one would stop my manager from bullying me. You have to do that if people disable you from protecting yourself, simply because that is the only option you will have. The only reason people get to bully others is simply because they are allowed to or people apologize for them and enable the continuation of the behavior. Let's face it guys, in this world there are people that absolutely have no conscience whatsoever.
It is an exercise in futility if you think they have one. The reality actually isn't that they don't have one, but that they actually do and choose to ignore it because it doesn't give them what they crave, which is the power over another fellow human being.
youtubecomments, The collateral is your worth. All you have to do is realize to have value and stand up for yourself in that, and that's what you've got. To wool learn to respect yourself and others will too. But if you don't realize this, you'll get walked all over by bullies.
youtubecomments threathen your abusive manager that you have a recording of his abusive behavior or the things he said. Its not what you know, its what you can prove and threaten with. Everyone can play mindgames because everyone has something to lose, even your abusive manager
"expressing your feeling without being anxious and angry..." That's a very difficult thing to do for many people without dedicated professional help from psychologists.
Assertive behaviors cannot be learned in abstraction such as "expressing your feeling directly" and "...also care about others' feeling". The concept and skill of assertiveness need to be learned through careful study of numerous concrete examples (with context-based scripts) and behavior modeling in order to get a clear sense of what it is.
Simply telling people what assertiveness is and then asking them to do a bunch of non-doable things like 'expressing your feeling appropriately' are useless.
I like your feedback and agree that this takes some support. the concepts are easy enough for even me to understand but putting it onto practice takes practice and support. the results are well worth it though :-)
I have found a lot of psychologists don't have a clue about communication in this way. I know because i was looking for some support to put together some workshops, so I interview quite a few.
Actually, she’s not so wrong. Action breeds successes. Success breeds confidence.
Maybe a counselor would help, but I’ve seen how action then success then confidence works in my life.
A toddler learns to walk based on action,success, and confidence. And so it is with all people, it occurs to me.
You are right. But, that's all they can do. They can just give us starters the rest of the situation we have to handle.
passive - assertive - aggressive
🌹
you're assertive
Aggression vs. Assertion: ... only works if something is being inserted :) My opinion.
That guy one of the cohosts was taking up too much space - leaning in too much made me feel uncomfortable. But very helpful tips on assertiveness
I lost most of my friends for being just a little more assertive. They couldn't handle
it. Oh well. They weren't really friends.
These are great techniques. But it does not work with psychopaths and narcissists.
I'm not from Anglo-Saxon country so I can't understand your POV, but sexism on 0:52 really got on my nerves. Why are the reporters pushing this sexist agenda?
I have met just as many passive males as I have females, sexism here is really not necessary!
dead4uman I totally agree with you.
dead4uman, Studies prove on average men are more assertive than women.
Less brittany spears = more being taken seriously
She is better than Iron Will.
Professionally, I feel cursed for being assertive. 😕
I got that no aggressive.👘
That dude is such a doormat :))
It’s just as hard for men.
BRING BACK GEORGE HUTTON!!!! YOU TUBE NOW!!
I'm not prepared to support that idea.
im not sure im ready to agree with that statment
Anybody here from chs pshe lesson
(1) I'm not prepared to support that idea
(2) When you interrupt me I feel angry
(3) You've come home late the last few nights. I am concerned.
(4) I sense you're frustrated and I understand your reaction. Let's talk tomorrow.
(5) I feel frustrated when we don't agree about our finances.
This guy is the defenition of a Beta.
Since when did assertiveness become a man or woman thing?
I am not prepared to support that idea.
Im attracted to the blonde host of this show wow.
lol
How about instead of "I'm not prepared", a much more positive "I will be prepared" (to answer that question at a later time.
'I'm not' sounds a lot like 'I can't', or 'I shouldn't'.
More I CAN, I WILL, & I AMs!
apparently, you're not an assertive person. :)
Really?! Man can be assertive in the office and woman at home? Aren't you perpetuating gender roles and inequalities? In North America? After year 2000? Shame. Shame.
I think you some milk,
Where can a woman use these skills? In the home? Seriously? I am surely not a feminist but god damn this is sexist.
+Kimberly O'Sullivan Why do you need to claim that you aren't a feminist. You sound like one to me, and it is nothing to run away from.
Devon Fritz i meant what people think of feminism
why is everyone so butthurt about this stuff, women a majority of the time are mother's so of course it's going to be in the home they need to set rules for their husband, and children
yes you are right it is sexist and i didnt find those phrases really useful at all. im talking about business and shes talking about mothers and children? what>?
there is a way to be assertive and it is having the right words and not letting people push you around or disrespect you. but this woman didnt have any
not worth your time
I hate these responses, they seem so corporate like pushing buttons in a very indirect way.
It just seems to be manipulating as well, like there is no common ground.
Everything fast degenerates into this utterly boring, infuriating feminist babble. And oddly enough, the men on such shows are usually the first to take you down that route. Assertiveness doesn’t come naturally to too many people but it’s absolutely important to both men and women.
That bloke's body language is aggressive.
The misogyny & sexism is wack here lmao
Why is it a woman teaching men how to be assertive.
Because it's not women, it's her having a degree, and him inviting her to his show. I get you, feminism is retarded, but I don't hate women. I'm a man what can I do without them?
ahh yes but in that moment when triggers inside of you are being set off its very complicated. I have to try and sit with it before i say something i feel i should appolgise for, because in my case its at a family dinner and i cant exactly get up and leave the table, esp when im eating and what happens is, my Mom is trying to get everyone in the room to agree with her, and maddenly, they do... for example, i take three sugars in my tea and my mom says i shouldnt be taking any but to me i dont see that's a problem because i only drink tea perhaps three times a week and i say this calmy, and she says i shouldnt be having any - then other people in the room will agree to her, soneone might say, "perhaps try two instead of three," or "here you go use my sweetener" and or "its up to her aint it" and that's if i get that, but i still know they dont approve...
i dont know what to say because clearly it feels like everyone is slowly, but surely, ganging up on me, they've gone out their way so i feel uncomfortable and when they know they aint gunna change what im doing after they dictate what i should or should not do they look down their noses at what they consider as childish behaviour - now im becoming more hurt and angry becausr of this - they, are only interested in one right answer... Id perhaps if i wanted to, say, "i suppose, i'll gave two instead of three..." and they'l come down with more pressure because thats not the answer they want to hear they'l say "no, you'll get diabeties its on the increase and they'll have to amputate your feet." Or "there are plenty of sugars in your foods adding more in your tea isnt the way forward' or "try my sweetner... come on,"
i just think only drinking tea three times a week is a stupid thing to get a great big arguement over to stop me from doing it because that is ultemately what they are trying to do and unless i cave and try tea with sweetner and im asked if its okay - what am i meant to say "oh its ok" to be polite or "no, it tastes awful."
I do be calm about it all at first until they slowly amp up the pressure and i know i do try blocking it out and when i cant hold it i end up insulting everyone on the room and apparently my sisters husband has to walk out of the room!!
Geez, tough break!
It actually does sound like a very tricky scenario!
Although I don't know why your mom feels the need to solicit other people's input about your sugar consumption, I think we can give her the benefit of the doubt for making her suggestion (that benefit being lets assume she says these things because she loves you, not because she's purposefully trying to make your interaction difficult).
That being said, lets brain storm some options for how you might respond?
A good suggestion I heard awhile back for this type of unsolicited advice (about what you "should do"), is to say "thank you for your opinion/perspective/input, I will take it under advisement (or I will give that some consideration)."
It's a nice way to diffuse the situation insofar as you manage to acknowledge the persons input (which often feels affirming to them), yet you put yourself under no obligation to comply.
Who knows, perhaps with enough of these sorts of "thank your for your suggestion" responses, your mom will unilaterally arrive at the conclusion that you're going to live your life, regardless of her suggestion, & maybe one day she'll give up hope & stop making suggestions? *chuckle*
Another option might be to say something like "I appreciate your feedback/input, but I'm an everything-in-moderation kind of gal." You could add something along the lines of: you cut back sugar in other areas, in order to afford this sugar in your tea (how is she to know?)--->whether it's true or not doesn't really matter, the point is, dietary suggestions should always be met with an "everything in moderation" response, except you're the one who gets to determine what constitutes moderation, not your mom (or her friends).
I try to throw these types of longing-for-control/or influence sort of people a comforting bone by saying I modify my diet in other ways to permit the consumption--(we all have our personal preferences & priorities, after all).
Nevertheless, I do feel that kind of response leaves the door open for further argument/disagreement/discussion (when we really want to just put a stop to it).
Maybe just try both of these options out, & see which one proves to be more effective with your ma?
Good luck, & keep practicing your assertiveness (surely, one day it will pay off)! ;-)
~stay safe & be blessed~