Shamed Into Believing Half-Love Is All You Deserve
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Thanks to all you kind and cool folk who taught me first what "left on read" means, and then to all of you who said how to pronounce it! Rhyme with "red." I'm duly schooled.
Such great advice. It took me two lunches to finish the vid and I kinda wish I'd waited to respond to the full vid. As an analogy and word junky, I just really appreciated being introduced to that gem. I thought it was interesting that the metaphor(I think?) could kinda work either way, *for me, so I'm glad you described it so I knew which way to understand the sentiment being expressed
*maybe there are other serial List-ers out there... just piling up stuff that sounds/looks interesting and rarely getting to most of it
Think of it as “un read (red)”, like unloved, unappreciated, unaware …. I should stop here. Love your videos and especially your straightforward interpretation and advice. ( listening and watching from Ireland)
@@barbaraoshea8639 greetings from Tejas, the Lone Star State. I also understood it as the email analogy.
I try to quell my codependent tendencies when I notice I'm hyper-aware of the responses of others but sometimes I can only be aware. Then i have to do my damn homework or at least respect the fact that I'm not doing it and that is more important than why the other party is not responding.
Sometimes adulting really sucks but it BTHO being a child so dependent on others and so easily misused/mistreated by them.
thank you for your sharing your insight. so healing
Good advice 👍
I despise the thinking that it’s bad to have expectations. I hear this all the time in singles’ Facebook groups, I heard it when I was in marriage counseling, I just hear it in general. Having no expectations may be a way to avoid disappointment at times, but it sure isn’t a recipe for a joyful, fulfilling life. I’m sick of being told to just settle and be okay with the bare minimum.
I was raised that I was not allowed to like anything because it was selfish. It is internalized. Getting past that has been a lifelong labor.
Having expectations is not a bad thing and you should. The catch is that you have to communicate those expectations and discuss it with your partner.
@@Irene-ls5wf very well said and brings home another important point of "communication".
Amen!! I hear the same thing all the time. and I did settle for nearly nothing for DECADES. Screw that!
And sometimes settling is totally ok if an “ideal partner” never shows up. Expectations can be something like: I hope to be respected .
Casual dating has ruined people and their mental health big time. Casual sex is considered cool, not being needy for a relationship or support is considered cool. People who want something solid are considered non-adventurous, to be accepted people have neglected their real needs, especially women, they are settling for crumbs from the “potential “ and the potential never turns into real. 😑 it’s making people damage their self worth at the same time some people are healing their childhood wounds. It’s so complex.
🎯 well said! Very well said!
When I was growing up, if I showed ANY emotion of love, affection, or caring, it was met with teasing and ridicule by my parents and much older siblings.
Me too. I genuinely thought that my heart, empathy, and it’s depth was disgusting until quite recently.
Same …terrible sad and at nearly 60 now
I’m just feeling numb to this existence
I wished I found Anna a long while ago !!!!
@@arissagallagher3374 I understand exactly how you feel. I’m turning 61 next week and I feel as if I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
@@frankeppenridge2027
It’s sad but not hopeless ..I think keeping boundaries will be very hard but very necessary for me to move in a positive direction. I am willing to try to heal ..I’m worth it and so are you !!!
And we can lift each other and give high fives to each step of this process
Ps boundaries will include family as well ….
Wishing you all happy returns
@@arissagallagher3374 Thank You! 😊❤️
" A quasi relationship where you are getting hurt again and again and again. The excitement of the stress feels like love. It feels like a purpose, like we are getting somewhere, but it is actually damage, damage, damage. A shaky relatoonship that depends on suppression of needs, expectations, humanity, going along, pretending everything is fine, when it isn' t. This is crap- fitting, and where you are being attracted to an avoidant man is where you are being limerent...That man didnt want sex, didnt want you as a primary relationship, but this fellow is feeding off your energy, maybe he is into another primary relationship, or avoidant... He is not suitable for you. A real relationship is possible when you know clearly and you have the courageous honesty to state it. Real love is also never trying to be manipulative, get another jealous."
You said something here that really landed on me: "You want to be loved for you, not because you manipulated someone into loving you." -or something to that effect. I think many of us are familiar with "the game" and are tempted to hold onto the belief that "as soon as we get over someone, they will come back." But the reality is that that very belief keeps us attached and therefore unavailable to find real love. We stay stuck in the game. And no one really wins it.
But there is a way out!
-Cara@TeamFairy
She’s mirroring the type of relationship her mom had with her dad. It’s attractive to her because that’s her ‘normal.’
Does anyone else wish they had this "group of women" who are going through similar things and are able to bounce ideas off of? I'm 37, and have yet to find such a group, much less 1 woman.
Anna, can you talk about this? When your childhood with a jealous, narcissistic mother prevents you from ever forming a real, equal relationship with another woman?
just know that there's a lot of help in this channel, and your childhood doesn't need to prevent you from making authentic friends with women, it just takes a lot of hard work on yourself to find out how to reprogram it and do it. because you already know the reasons why, you're very far along on the path of healing already.
Totally, I hear you, no man is an island. Jesus loves you my faith has kept me sane (not church folk) just God 😘🙏
We have a great group of women supporting each other in the CCF membership :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Ada you might want to look up 12 step groups in your area like Emotions Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anon, Al-Anon, or Codependents Anonymous, if you're looking to have fellowship, a group, to learn how to be healthier in relationships. They are free (usually just give a small donation when they pass the hat), and were very helpful to me to not feel alone, and learn coping skills, gain insight, etc. Some groups meet online too, since the pandemic.
Hey Ada!
I kind of feel the same: I am a mess with having other women that are friends with me and when I need that kind of intimacy I'm all alone and that makes me feel lost and bitter (I am currently without a job and recently broke up with my boyfriend so... uuuuughghgghhhh)
However, recently when I lost my job and was all depressed I had a friend force me to go to a sort of feminist beach camp. I was not in the mood and I was scared to have to socialize with these women. It was weird: I mean, something unrelated happened after the camp and now everybody's angry at everybody, but those two or three days it felt like I knew these people from long ago. Maybe not in a sense of being bffs or soulmates but in the sense that we were sharing clothing and we'd very openly talk about our issues and improvise a party and sleep in each other's tents...I do remember telling to a bunch of them "You know? I don't remember the names of half of you people, but it feels nice that I can trust you". And they agreed. And it did help me feel a lot better as per feeling like a sad loser.
It was later discussed that it probably had to do with the fact that there were zero men at the camp aside from the occasional guide and a child. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate men or think they're a nuisance, but it did feel different not to have any men around. I guess it's because we are indeed taught and pressured to interact with men and women a certain way and that just wasn't there.
Perhaps you should try something similar? Maybe not a feminist boot camp because that's very specific but an environment full of women and where there are women only. And just go for the sake of it and see what happens. Or join something online: I've learnt that every hobbie and activity has that "women in 'activity' group" so if you're into something, you may search for it?
I feel a lot of what you say but in relation to almost every job i've had my life. Crap fitting to jobs because hey, always needed a job?! And then as you say, "chronic devastation... chronic exposure to intense stress... and the excitement of the stress feels like we're getting somewhere, feels like love and purpose and excitement but actually it's just like damage, damage, damage... and it's just sucking the life out of you". Thank you, Anna. Can you please one day make a post on that topic? Jobs and careers and guilt, shame and fear relating to that? 💌
This is in my plans!
Yes, please Anna talk about the toxins in a job working with women. Almost every job I've experienced jealous, mean high school women. My current situation is ridiculous with some of the comments I receive from lady boss and coworkers I Have to engage with. It's unreal, especially since I've barely been there a little over 4 months! Thank you for your help and great advice!
Love and light to you and All readers💞🙋♀️
Parents used love was a weapon. Love equals pain. Child me decided that love is shit. Survival protection mode: Love is dangerous. Don't love another person & the problem ceases to exist. Safety is a very lonely place.
Thank you for your letter Lara, for your candour & bravery to write about vulnerability feelings and situation.
Being single doesn’t have to be lonely !
Love as a weapon is a very good way of putting it.
Safety is a very lonely place wow! This hits home. In fact, your whole comment speaks to my own experience. I'm uncovering the distorted lens and veils through which I see and relate to Love.
I relate to this comment. Just let what I think was a pretty good guy go because I couldn't lose someone again. Got rid of him because it was going okay...so that I wouldn't get attached and lose him later 🙄 great plan
@@kareeb6080 Yeah, I totally get it. 😥💔Push'em away before they push you away. I'm so sorry. I know how much that hurts. When you've grown up trying to decipher so many mixed messages, it's almost unbearable to think that that "boot is gonna drop" at any minute...". So, you drop it for them.
I completely simpathize with Laura. My heart goes out to her so much!
My parents made it clear that not only was I not worthy of their affection but I wasn't worthy of anyone's affection. I was shamed for liking people, sent to schools far away to keep me from spending time with friends, wasn't allowed to date, and was told by my mother that no one would ever want to marry me.
Mind you, I was a good student, dodnt cause trouble, was quiet, kept the house clean, and did everything I could to remain invisible to avoid the insults. My older sister who was loved by my parents knew she could hit and bully me with no reprecusions. In public, my parents praised me. But in private, I was hated and shown contempt. I've been crap fitting for decades. Now, both parents have passed and the sister thinks she's punishing me by ghosting me right out of her (what a relief!). Even though I'm 62 now, I finally feel I can live a happy life.
You can create a happy life, Laura! You're young so take advantage of that. We're all rooting for you.
YOur second paragraph hit home.
I can relate to you MsBetty R. Stay true to you and yes you deserve to be loved! God bless!
Thanks, Lucie and Marie. When we're young, we often go through abuse alone. Then we grow up and find a community with similar experiences. it helps to sooth the pain.
@@MsBettyRubble How true. It was so isolating. I am so grateful to have found a community that understands.
Families can suck. Folks talk about how important they are and it is true if they are good to you. When they aren’t it is sooo much better to be apart.
they want YOU to love THEM... my dumb ass didn't understand this until here recently. 🙄 The guy literally said "I want you to love me" but I didn't realize that he also meant that it wouldn't be reciprocal. literally had this same thing happen but with physical intimacy, trips/ vacations, months of being inseparable and then months of separation of and on for 3.5 years. I feel stupid... I blocked him on EVERYTHING about 4 months ago once I realized that I was on his SM page more than my own. I discovered that he'd gotten into a relationship and that's what the reason for the latest "break" and I burst into tears and started blocking. and I blocked him for me not as punishment to him. checking on him was hurting ME and so I simply HAD TO LET GO
I've done the right thing but it hurts. it's been 4 months and almost everyday, it hurts.
I'm rooting for you. It will get better. I was about 6 months out when the heavy daily burden lifted, and now I'm 8 months out and it's been better every day since. Keep him blocked!
@@Radspad77 🙏🏽thank you for your encouragement. I'm definitely keeping him blocked. I can't risk falling back in that cycle with him or anyone else to be honest.
💗
@@transitionsnc Thank you, 😊 I'm just seeing this but thank you and I'm sorry this happened to you as well!
“Real love comes from you being you”.. well said.👌
Anna, I have found that men who have been sexually abused will deny sexual desire, most specifically AFTER entering into (or in sustaining) a relationship. It's a power position, and one that gives a man a potent tool of destruction to kill intimacy and injure a woman's sense of innate desirability. I've experienced this as well as a man being critical of performance DURING the act of intimacy, as well as making fun of my sexual/physical responses after the fact.
There is no limit to the damage some will afflict on others when they're triggered sexually. Sadly.
I never heard that. That’s fascinating. It makes total sense- sex=exploitation, leads to angry childhood vow (no one will EVER take advantage of me again, I will NEVER be in the vulnerable position again), leads to the abused turning into the abuser.
The older I get the more I realize that every act has an effect, and often a ripple effect to uninvolved or innocent people
Damaged..The word is really destroyed..
“You are real. Your needs are real” ❤🙏
This is just a vent but I really lose hope in dating when most people are interested in only having a physical ‘thing’ or at best, emotional ‘thing’ without calling it a relationship because wow it’s so much responsibility. I can definitely see why the word sounds scary but to me it doesn’t feel secure at all when you experience everything in the definition of relationship with them but since it is not a “relationship” they can bail out any time and disregard your feelings.
THIS. I found that an emotional 'thing' took a worse toll on me, since you share so much of your life, time and emotions to someone, you'd think it would mean something. But nope.
I hear you, sister
yes it's everywhere, hookup culture. I avoid those people and, in my opinion, it's better when so many people are honest that they don't want a committment because it makes it easier to know they're not the one, easier and faster to move on and find the ones who do want to work toward a real partnership with steps and time and boundaries, and their rarity makes them more special.
@@MellowJelly Such a nice point of view!
back in the 80s, when was in my 20s, there were several interersonal relationships i was invlved in that i did not like but i told myself that "this is all i deserve so i may as well get used to it." i do not put up with that anymore.
I can relate to most of what this panels speaking of cos my parents were narcissist third world their problems the rules their wants their needs my father beat me physically up until the age of 16 because I wasn't good enough my mother couldn't stand the sight of me but she did the most damage I think mental wise literally shamed me for being a human being or wanting to be but she's been there for me I'll tell you caused every little bump in the road sabotaged every stage of my life withheld education to necessities and 8 years old I was wanting to get baptized along with my younger sister she was six my mother was putting her baptized down on but just hugging her and kiss her and telling her how proud she was of her and she was getting baptized,,, then she turns and walks towards me I held my arms straight up as usual I should always manhandled me and yanked my dress up over my head and I'm still standing at attention my arms in the air where to put my gown on got my gown on all right I looked up at her and ask mommy are you proud of me to for getting baptized,,, she looks down her nose at me and said you should be ashamed of yourself you're getting baptized for all the wrong reasons you're just getting baptized because your sister is,, I was so scared and I was doing something wrong I just knew I was going to get it when I got home after church for my dad but also was upset that the preacher would be preaching the sermon about me back in 1970 Southern Baptist Church in the hills of Tennessee as long as I was I wasn't even know exactly who the preacher would be preaching a sermon about without him even saying their name.. I pray that Jesus that night tell him I'm sorry and asked him to come and get me he said he would I've been waiting for 50 years now,
Same here. I would say it was more like "this is the best I can hope for."
The same with me ... I divorced from the man I thought that was all I deserve and I am much better now !
That’s how I also thought for 23 out of my 24 years of life, but not anymore! Thankfully 🙏 I’m so happy that you have come to the same realization as well.
The power of the “least interested” is very common.
you are the caretaker we all deserved as children. Thank you for all that you do
So I recognize my self in this.I had tried to end a relationship which turned out to be toxic, he demeans and invalidates my emotions at every turn. What is turning it around for me is I realize I was sort of "set up" by a misogynist who sought me out because I live a very independent life.There's a type of man who really wants to game a woman to show her vulnerability , only to grind her feelings and self esteem into the dust.I think just by seeing it for what it is , it's helping me to hopefully make more suitable choices in the future.So in that sense, I think I won here.
It sounds like she was mirroring what she experienced from her dad with her relationships. Like we all do.
I have been out of my last relationship for about 3 months...
Yesterday I was able to articulate this thought:
I feel doubly lonely because... sometimes when a good thing happens in my life, I want to share it with him... I am lonely because I realize that it's not an option for me to talk to him in the present moment. But I am also lonely because I realize that, even if/when we were together, I don't feel like he would have cared or been excited/supportive of me having a great night... listened, maybe. But not engaged.
it's so funny, I think a month or two after I had already rushed into a relationship with this guy is when I discovered this channel. I kind of knew I had messed up, but I wanted to see if maaaaybe this relationship could still work, even though I hadn't exactly followed all the steps in the recipe for a great relationship...lol
I've had 3 real relationships and 1 "situation" in my young adult life that have followed a similar pattern. I am confident that i am the closest I have ever been to breaking this pattern :) finally!
Of course, he treated her like a "side chick," she treated herself like a "side chick!" You teach people how to treat you.
I strongly relate to this person’s story. I have doubted myself time and time again for rejecting the half-love that my former partner gave to me, and this video helped affirm for me that I never need to be ashamed for protecting and choosing myself.
I was just about to drop $170+ on therapy to hear this message so thank you very much! it was very extremely much like my situation and I thank you crappy childhood fairy! I’m put myself in The cool girl zone after five months of no contact (he reached out to me first) and quickly realizing I need to leave him alone. Hope he doesn’t reach out anymore, but will know what to do when he does.
Oh Anna, how you’ve filled my days. How much of myself lives in all of these stories. I thank you so much ❤️
I'm so glad!
Ultimately you will get over it. Concentrate on yourself instead
The last 2 times I found myself repeating the pattern of being in an emotionnally unavailable relationship where I was too stuck to leave, instead of playing in it cool, I acted horrible. So horrible that any benefit that the avoidant manipulative guys I was with could get from me wasn't worth the abuse I put them through. I know it is not a healthy way to go about relationships. I never want to be this horrible abusive person again. But I was tired of being the one who would stay stuck on people who were done with me years ago and was tired of being the one being damaged by the relationship while the other person got all the love, attention and walked away uplifted by my love and light. At least by being horrible to be around those last 2 times, the dynamic couldn't last over a few months, and the guys would be discouraged to reach out to me again. And knowing it damaged them too helps me moving on knowing that I was not this kind dumb girl who was nicely taken advantage of. The last one, I did my very best to make his life as miserable as possible so he would leave and never want to see me again. I never knew I could be such a bad person. But at least this time, I put my need to protect myself from his arrogant and selfish ways before the fear of losing him. The break up hurts because I loved him so much. But at least he's not coming back any time soon because he knows every time he comes back I treat him worse. I needed to rebel against this pattern to start breaking it. Now I work on reprogramming my mind to not be attracted to emotionnally abusive and/or unavailable people by honoring my need for intimacy and fairness in relationships.
This is so nicely explained.
I like how you take credit for your behavior. Love is a drug was a great song but a painful way to live if it's conditional and in half measures. I would forgive my abuser cause I wanted them to like me.,love me. It's agonizing to have half measures and get teased when you are so needy.
Demoralizing and you get scars.
I was the same to my ex. He was limmerant and wouldn't accept that I didn't love him anymore. I started acting like a complete nightmare in order to get him to realize I wasn't going to be with him again. I should've just walked away, blocked him and went on with my life. But he would send flowers constantly, leave birthday and Christmas presents, send me dumb music videos all the time. It made me so angry because he refused to accept how I felt. It's like I was screaming out that I didn't want to be with him and he would just tell me that I really did want to be with him. It was maddening!!
I will never get bored of the way you thoughtfully reflect and empathetically explain your thoughts in response.
Another wonderful video, Anna. I became a member last week and am working through your first course. I’m so grateful I found you, albeit I wish I were 30 years younger. Thank you for being here.
I'm so glad you're here! Healing has a way of bringing a youthful vibrance. Never too late!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤️
Yes, oh, boy, wouldn't it have been nice to know this stuff when we were still young? It hurts to know you just can't walk back through those important, vibrant years with this kind of knowledge. Oh, well.
Energy vampire- so real
Anna does a great job at breaking it down- no shame
“Is what I am doing, creating the life I want?”
Empowering sis! 🦋❤️🦋
When I discovered ur channel it was such a relief. My God 😂🙏 I felt there was something wrong with me and now i understand partially nt Fully why i have emotional triggers. Thanks for being there for us and helping us
Another terrific video, Anna. I have had so many life experiences in general but often struggle to verbalize my feelings, I don't have words to explain them. When I watch your videos, you give me the words and I gain more self awareness as I learn from you. Your videos are amazing, thanks so much for what you do!! You've helped so many people grow, including me 😁
Glad Anna's videos are helping you grow and heal. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I dated a guy just like this. The absolute worst.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ana is so understanding and warm. There’s a lot of shame that can come with these types of struggles, and she helps me feel like I’m not some broken crazy person, I really appreciate that.
thank you for the kind word.
Jack@TeamFairy
Just walked away from someone toxic, My first time doing that and not wanting revenge for him hurting me
Glad you were able to walk away. We're cheering for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Wow, this is so my story. I just walked away from someone just like this. I felt like I couldn't trust him. It's like, it would be me, him, and everyone else he's talking to. I've told him I need boundaries and he'd wait a day (or sometimes only hours) before messaging me that he's sorry and misses me blah blah blah. I can't anymore. He knows how to make me melt, but he's not serious about me. I'm not taking his crumbs anymore because I'm just not that hungry. I see so clearly now.
That's wonderful to hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The end advice. To lay your heart out was so good. If she had done that in the first place it never would have been in the limmerance limbo state all this while. It would have become a romantic relationship or ended
I do that too , but I’m aware when I’m doing it. I do it when I know I won’t end a current relationship so I play that game to keep what I wish I could have on the back burner. So stupid. I hope I quit that for good and never hide my heart again.
I just found your channel and holy cow you are a godsend!
Welcome! Glad you found us. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Sounds like this man wasn't interested, and was using her for the feminine attention. I've seen men do this to my mom.
I would say though, that she doesn't need closure, or perhaps she can create her own closure. Selfish men that don't live in their integrity will almost never cooperate and give closure, or even listen when they realize things are being ended. When my mom would try and get closure, her ex-husband would hang up on her. She wanted so bad to HEAR that its over, or to have a conversation about it being over and the divorce, but she just didn't actually NEED to have this talk with him in order to move on. He just wanted to keep her in a backup position, and it was working as long as she believed she needed closure, or perhaps that was her excuse to keep holding on. I told my mother to view his unwillingness to communicate and his constant indecisiveness as closure. Actions speak louder than words. That half-love limiting belief really does a number on us, especially if we aren't even aware that that's what we've been settling for.
"I make no promises only offer opportunities" that's what mine would always say
It sounds like the author of the letter loved the other person when they weren't physically in person or available because when her dad was with her the magical idea/ memory of their relationship before he emigrated disappeared and the reality was him being cold and unavailable emotionally
The guy sounds like a narcissist- classic case of attraction and discard, yo-yo-ing with the girls feelings. He wanted to keep her around as narcissistic supply without ever committing to her and offering her something serious and real. He sounds like a covert narcissist and her empathy made her prime narcissistic supply.
Yes I just went through this and at first thought it's so narcissistic because when I tried speak about hot n cold he shamed me and gaslit. But then I found out avoidant can appear narcissistic
It hurts how much this hits home. I've been struggling to get over my first love and ex of 5 years, caught between recognizing that he's unreliable and untrustworthy, and then desperately clinging to the crumbs he tosses me or the promises he makes in the moments when he's missing me. When it's someone you spent many loving years with, as in my case, it makes it so much harder and more painful to reconcile in your mind that someone who apparently loved you so much could treat you this way. I still haven't made the decision in my heart to really let go, but talking to friends and watching videos like this is helping me inch closer to it I think. I hope.
Right there with you! Praying for both of us.
❤
Hugs
My ex husband was this guy the charmer & finally I saw the light and got out but just funny/sad thing I just thought about listening to this was after being divorced for 4 years. The first 3 years he sent me a message on our family wizard app saying happy birthday! Of course I never responded and this past year he filed a bogus contempt charge against me which I was found not guilty but listening this dawned on me that was his birthday message to me this past year since his conventional ways were unsuccessful! I just wonder if he will ever stop!!!! He cheated on me tons in the marriage and has had a girlfriend for a year now! Do they ever stop????
Good for you staying strong in the boundaries YOU set!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Narcissist never stop. Stay strong.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks so much for your response!!!! I just signed up for your free courses bc I thought I was healing and growing with the guy I’ve been dating for a year now but he’s needing space and not sure if he has the desire to grow or give what a relationship needs…. So I’m trying to digest that information and hoping ur courses can help me
Well this true...it's funny in that once you learn all these things there is a catalyst to change. You go through this thing where I saw the full picture of being half-loved or used. I found out what i wanted to keep and what i wanted to throw away. Not all people are all evil or all good...im not. Eyes wide open today also my heart. Obsession of past dead relationships are limiting however I can learn from them as well. I've noticed I will default to this so I don't have to live in the now...picking and cherishing the wound...its safe there. Self sabotaging behavior.
Im gay male 61 and I still fall for people who abandon me .
I was last involved with a substance using only recently out recently seperated partner .
I feel so depressed and broken. Yes , Ive stoped contacting him but lord , Im still so addicted to him . I so grieve the battered , abandoned part of me .
I feel you, I'm on the same boat ATM. But we can make it 💪.
Sending much love your way ❤️
You were created with inherent worth and value before the foundation of the earth, God has a plan and a purpose for your life, you matter. Cry out to Him for Truth. Finding your identity in God will complete you 🙏✝️😘
Thanks so much for another insightful video! I do not date anymore because I do not do games and I also find all the men I meet quickly tell me they are sexually attracted to me which is a real turn off for me because it demonstrates there is zero chance to build something if all they want is sex. I just as quickly tell them I am not interested in jumping into bed. Than they change their tune but it is too late I already saw their hand of cards. Blessings everyone and raise your standards y all! We deserve to be really loved authentically.
This is exactly how I feel! I'm tired of playing games, I want a real relationship as well but seems like the guys I've dated are looking for something short term. So hard for me to trust people
I think the way to really tell what a man's intentions are is to just tell him that you don't have sex right away with a person-that you wait at least six months or some amount of time that feels right to you. But it should be enough time that shows to you that he likes who you are enough to wait for you. This is not game playing by the way, it's just a certain standard you can have for yourself. If he really likes you for you he will wait. It's pretty simple really, and a lot better than trying to guess his real feelings and never knowing if he's being honest about them. Time is all you need to tell. It's not necessarily a bad thing that he tells you that he is sexually attracted to you. You want him to be actually...... but if it's only sexual attraction you will know soon. So guess I'm saying not to focus on the fact that he wants to have sex with you. Focus on getting to know him anyway and see if he waits. That will tell you all you need to know. Men, in general, have higher and more urgent sex drives than women, and that would include men who really do like who you are. So wanting you that way is actually an understandable thing even if he also sees you as a possible future wife. In other words men having a strong sexual attraction for you is not a good guage for how serious he is. How long he is willing to wait is.
@@donnaknudson7296 yes so true on much of what you say...I guess I was expressing the frustration of men starting with that instead of so many other characteristics, deeper ones that are really way more important. Thanks for your reply and God bless you!
@@mariepeartree5018 You're very welcome! Yes, I know what you mean. I too got that from guys a lot when I was younger. I used be really unhappy about it, and for the reasons you are saying too. Then I figured out the things I wrote to you. So I just thought I'd pass that on. I think the thing with some (?) a lot(?) of men is that they need time to see the deeper aspects in a person. I don't really know why, and it can be very depressing. It would seem like they don't value deep and meaningful things when it comes to women. But then, somehow they do end up seeing those things, and just as deeply as I had wished (the ones who ended up really liking me for me that is). It's like for some reason they just need time? or maybe their hormones are so overwhelming? I really don't know. What really used to make me depressed were the ones who really did value the depth in things, because it would be right there in the poetry they wrote, or the music they made, or the thoughts they would have. But then when it came women, it was like they just didn't seem to see it. Like I'd be blown away by the music someone wrote and played in a concert, and I'd have all these things to say about it, all these ideas, only to find out that the first thing coming out of his month was to ask if I wanted to have sex. Just flat out asked me and he didn't even know me. Things like that. Made me feel worthless. It's one thing if the guy is not very deep anyway. But it was worse when they were so obviously deep, but couldn't see it in me (or other women I'm sure) because sex was what they thought about when they met me. It would blow me away. But, then, again, somehow the ones I had a relationship with ended up, over some time, seeing in me just the way they saw in their art or their thoughts, the same amount of meaning and depth. I don't understand it, but it evidently is obviously true.
It took me decades to stop crap fitting myself to worthless relationships! JESUS told me that I'm worth dying for! I'm worth loving & respecting! Some ppl say I've changed & I'm not humble! They say that because I no longer allow ppl to invade my space with their crap! I've learned to call a spade a spade anywhere anytime!!!
Due to this, I feel like I don't deserve to even ask for a relationship. That asking for a commitment is very wrong; these are the thoughts I think subconsciously.
Why? Because my Dad sucked at meeting my needs. That's why.
There is room for healing. Glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel shame for asking for anything
It's like you were talking straight to my heart & soul
I have that situation when I needed people to admire me but when the were seriously talking about getting together, I’d run. it’s weird, I know.
Not weird here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Cool girl = Low Maintenance
He’s a slug. And his poor girlfriend is not special or lucky. Even if he did choose you, he’d find someone else to fluff on the side. He’s not capable.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna this is so absolutely insightful I don't know what to highlight. Especially in the last half, you are describing everything with such insight, but also compassion, but also not skirting around the truth. Mind-blowingly (and tragically), you have described once again my own relationship behaviours and issues to a tee.
I “crap fitted “ lowered my standards and expectations to deal with the abusive malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced .
I normalized that I didn’t deserve anything good happening to me and I deserved his cruelty.
it was already read and ignored, so it is said as left on read (past tense)
He’s not into her, sounds like a man who wants her to be obsessed with him as an ego validation
Yes
You are amazing. I love ❤️ you! Thank you for all your good advice and common sense! You helped change my life for the better. I love the term “Crap fit” it’s just so true. I have practiced this my whole life. You are a very important part of my healing journey. I love your humour and vulnerability.
Sending you encouragement as you continue to heal. Thanks for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
_Energy Vampires are very real_
I brought to light how the relationship was not working and a month later he discarded me. He realized he would not be getting his little pay offs.
I'm learning that I'm avoidant in relationships. My ptsd on full display in relationships where I fear being rejected again and being told yet again that I'm not worthy of love or care. I really struggle in relationships because It always feels so hollow. I feel like I give a lot and then get nothing back, no effort from the men I've dated. I've started therapy, and have been trying to break out of my patterns of running away before I can be rejected. But I've been dating this guy for over 2 months, and it's a struggle because as much as I like him, he shows little effort. I want, like the gal in this letter, to be wanted, I want to be pursued; I've never gotten that. I want him to ask me on dates, not the other way around. I want to be desired, and feel like I should be allowed to want that. But I delay and don't ask him outright for that because I'm scared of the rejection. I just desire some security in knowing that he wants to date me too. Not that I'm just in a relationship that is again one sided, and without the other party actually wanting me. Which is my biggest fear, rejection, neglect, and not being worthy of love. I suppose my take away from this video is that I should step up and ask for what I need - see if he listens or not. Then I'll know if I should leave and look for the next potential romantic relationship. Would love advice.
I cannot express how helpful this video was for me. I needed to hear it. THANK YOU!
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I felt like a burden. I was…to a Mom who didn’t have the chip for being a Mom. I no longer feel like a burden. Differentiating myself from her, recognizing it wasn’t even personal.
I think this video just saved my life.
I can relate in a way.... If someone or something sounds too good to be true... 99.9 percent of the time it is...
I would even venture to say, the presence of this guy, MADE HER FEEL LIKE HER DAD WAS CLOSE TO HER (for better or worse), which is actually what she wanted…☹️😭😢😢😢
Okay, I need to think about this. It might shed some light on a couple of my relationships.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This blue color goes sooo well on you - your blonde hair and your skin tone.
Your "non-therapeutic" analysis of her letter is so refreshing It comes across as very much human and down to earth as opposed to full of pretentious clinical jargon that so many therapists are blindsided by
Years ago I would’ve been triggered. Today I’m grateful there are people out here like you who see me when my words fall short. The intro was so on point. I’ll watch the rest later!
Brilliant have enrolled on the Relationship Course. I have had limerance and avoidance on my part and others since my Divorce 13 years ago. I look forward to being in a healthy relationship. Xxxx
Yay! Welcome to the course! We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you . This is first aid for the wounded
Precisely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
my dear dad does that. I wish I had a different dad.
Thanks, Anna, for putting words to my emotions. Thank you to the viewers who share their experiences.
thank YOU cindyluwho, signed, lucylouwho
Thank you for this. I needed this and it hurt, but it'll get better.
You have to accept the things you cannot change .. Like being stuck in my current apartment for Another year... I have 2 friends that recently broke a leg and ate incapacitated... I'd rather deal with the apartment I'm at now than deal with the lack of independence and mobility a broken leg would bring...
Thank you so much!😘 You validate so many of my feelings.
You taught me a new term: "on read." No, I had not heard that one before. I wonder if the pronunciation is more like "on red." As in, read but in past tense. I am saying maybe because I don't know. But now I understand why I feel dissed.
13:35 Sincere is the way to be. But sincere with a charming manipulative person is going to ruin everything
14:10
16:00 If you say the truth, if you brought to light the truth of the reality has to depend on the suppression of needs, humanity,
17:38 feeding of your energy
Thanks for the tough love. I always love to hear your words on these letters/stories and it makes me remember, that I still have ways to grow.
Tremendously helpful. Thank you x
Thank you for this. I need it. I'm proud of how I'm handling myself, but SO very much want to get free of this pain. Your dating course helped a lot.
You got this!
I've always heard that expectations are premeditated resentments.
There's a lot of truth in that in the context of communication and day to day relations. This video is about setting and owning your own standards criteria for what you want in a relationship, and not abandoning yourself -- or what you want -- for anyone who happens to come along.
11:27 -- "...how unsatisfying, and painful, and invalidating" yet *normal.*
These letters are so hopeful in reflecting my own dynamics!
Glad that you think so. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏So DEEPLY resonate Anna!!!! I’m so grateful for finding you…..This video has helped me tremendously….🌻💕🌻😊
You're welcome. Glad it's been so helpful. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I really identify with this topic strongly.
So glad you found the video! -Calista@TeamFairy
So much love for this video, Ana and Laura for her share. So much connection to alla this,, except my parents weren't first gen immigrants. That seems like a compounding factor of nearly unbearable magnitude.
Also. Unsolicited, but hopefully received with its loving, feedback. The "read" is the past tense of the word and thanks to English we get to have these fun and funny moments of comm-haps (communication mishaps that I've rebranded because I enjoy them so much. The past tense of the word with the same letters, because English, actually sounds like the color red. Because they have read it. And, they simply haven't or aren't responding.
Due to my sensitivity to this, I try and make sure I adjust that setting ("send read receipt") as soon as possible because I hate people feeling the pain I feel when being/feeling ignored. I'm sure many if not all, of the people here for help/healing can relate to the loathing of that pain. Sometimes I'm jealous of the people who have no idea what I'm referring to when I'm intending to express sensitivity around this. hhhhh! (and then I get to realize how narcissistic I sound imagining that I'm impacting someone else's feelings that profoundly. oy!)
Anna can you make some videos related to the below topics
insecurity related to partners (i always feel i will be cheated on) its a fear that doesn’t allow me to get committed
Fear of not being good enough as a partner friend parent or at workplace
Getting offended easily by slidy remarks especially from friends and family . Its an inability to take jokes or even understand what to take seriously and what is actually offensive
This video hit lots of tender wounds. Where's my accountability mirror?
I have heard this psychological teaching that we repeat patterns, of course, but we are driven by a memory or moment of one magical good time. So, she is repeating that only delicious time of longing and missing her Dad with wonderful memories. This , in a way has nothing to do with the partner. She needs to understand her fixation. When he was not there, she felt in love. I had the exact childhood.
Trying to make someone else jealous is a HUGE Amber Alert. Manipulating someone to feel jealousy which is combo platter of anger, jealousy and insecurity isn’t healthy for anyone. How will this create security for rather side? Pls develop your emotional intelligence.
Thank you Anna for clarity and truthful advice
It does take time to get over this and show us it can be done and the reason we are doing it
Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy
This was such a great video, Anna!
16:49 priceless words.
Thank you for this reminder...good timing. The universe works in mysterious (or not so mysterious) ways.
God I needed to hear this today. Freaky, in a good way lol thank you 🙏🏽
If to describe the dynamic you are living with someone, you use language that describes it as if it was a movie or romantic novel, make no mistake, it’s limerance. Wake up, grow up, take accountability for letting yourself being fooled by this emotional scam and break free of the lie.
Really helpful, thanks Anna.