My Family is Shaming Me for Not Giving Them Money
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"I raised you, so you owe me" is such a toxic attitude. No child "owes" their parents money just for raising them. Raising children is a basic parental responsibility. It's not a loan.
We didn’t ask to be BORN!
“So because you raised me and I didn’t ask to be born I owe you for that?”
The entitled attitude of some parents are out of this world! Why do their kids owe them for being parents and raising them when they chose to bring kids into this world?
Tell my dad lol... Anytime he offers help i know it comes with a "i helped you" type favour. Im proud of myself as i no longer live at home or relie on him in any way. But it sucks cause as a dad i dont see him like that really. I just hope i dont have this toxic trait to my kids. As i see a lot of my dad in myself.
It goes both way! know someone Who has parents did well and made a lot money but children are irresponsible. They took parents to court because they think they deserve a big chunck of that money. Whenever
Money is involved it complicates relationships!
My biggest mistake was telling family and friends how much I make , thinking they would be happy for me , but instead became Envious.
Never divulge what you earn to anyone other than your spouse. If you're not married then no one else should know. Not parents, extended family, your kiddos, your BFF.... no one.
@@mjojco preach
My grandma told me Never tell people how much you make, or what's your next move.
Change those friends
@@mjojco I wouldn't say that. It depends on the situation. Some family members want to help out but need some information. I agree I wouldn't tell them all about my finances though. I wouldn't reveal everything.
"So you are good enough to give them money and not good enough to give them advice..."
I loved that good enough for money, but not good enough for advice..... this is where I might sit down with them and look at their incoming and outgoing and work on their budget with them and essentially give them money by showing them where maybe they're spending too much
@@christopherrosas2738 You have to deserve everything in your life. Between getting money and getting knowledge on how to make money, I would always chose the later. That's simply the choice between short and long term strategy.
@@polyglotsjourney true, but most people just want the money now and aren't concerned about money down the road.....
@@christopherrosas2738 Yes, that's an innate desire to want what you see. But the eyes are useless when the mind is blind.
I could've used that line with my parents...right on the money.
Immigrants go through this all the time..
So real
We didnt have anything and when one kid gets a little something parents think they made it and start asking, moms more than anyone, the throw the i fed you i made help your family out 😔
@@bippu89 that can happen to anyone not just immigrants.
So true. Black tax is real😢😢😭
@@charleezy123 Oh who you telling? 😒 I don't understand why toxic parents think that their children are their saviors. Actual parents that care would not demand money like that unless they are teaching you about money. Also, I thought that is why you get married so you don't have to rely on your children to help. Lawd!
It's disgusting when parents think they are entitled to their kids money. That is pure narcissism.
Yes. I'd feel such shame if I ever had to ask our son for money.
They should never feel entitled but if parents are suffering through no real fault of their own then the children should want to help as much as they can. Within reason of course. You never put your own family in jeopardy for someone else but dang your parents sacrificed everything for you for years and years. If they’re in trouble help them out. (Like I said within reason not if they are being stupid)
@@prissylovejoy702 sadly I think only a small percentage are in financial dire straits due to natural occurrences, and more due to bad planning and money management...
@@prissylovejoy702 That is the problem. Just because you are my family, it doesn't mean I am obligated to give you money. This is especially when I am in debt myself. Granted, if an natural disaster happens, then I will take them in until they are back on their feet but other than that, they got to learn how to take care of themselves without constant handouts. How would you feel if you are getting out of debt and your parents and family members beg you for money just because you have a decent job? You give them money but you are back to square one. Having to figure out how to pay your debt. It is all love but sometimes you got to tell them that they are adults and they need to figure it out. Tradition or not.
Agreed ! Your kids are not suppose to be taking care of you unless there's a major cicrimstance or you're at the end of your life and need some help.
My mother in law wanted us to help her pay her living expenses, I told my wife I work to support my wife and kids and no one else.
Wouldn't be surprised if her "living expenses" included luxuries like Cigarettes & other vices.
Whocares I feel you bruh. She’s taking my children as hostage as she takes care of them and uses them as a reason for my wife and I to support her and her other two adult children.
Firm but fair and impossible to argue with. This is how this caller should respond too.
Then when you are in your old age and don't have enough, your kids will also give back that same treatment to you.
@@ThuyNguyen-bu9ge That’s the point. Don’t overspend. Don’t buy what you don’t need or buy it just because “I want it”. Don’t buy more house than you can afford and pay cash for a reasonably priced car. Save more than you spend. If you do these things, your children should not have to bail you out.
After my parents gave my sister almost 100k for her "lifestyle" in NYC (they never helped me once) they came to ask me to send her 3k.... I can't even... I had already given her money too. I finally put my foot down and said NO. The waves it caused! It is ABUSE.
My mom will do the same. Ask me for money then give it to my siblings who don’t want to work even though they are able bodied and healthy. Meanwhile I have a chronic health condition but she’s okay taking from me to give to healthy young adults
That’s happened to me so many times!!!
I don’t know you but am so proud of you for putting your foot down/setting your boundaries. These people will take from you and, should you fall, not only want be able to help you, but will rejoice, because they’ve always been low-key jealous that you had more money. They never think that their choices are why they don’t.
You did the right thing. Don't even feel remotely guilty.
Thats insane
I loved it when he came out as Papa Dave. When she cried it’s like she needed to hear that she wasn’t a bad daughter. 🥺❤️
Agreed !!!
Yea, it was sad. She needed to hear that, I hope she’s doing okay.
Do you watch every video? I see your comments on everything 😂
On top of that he made her smile in a second, loved it 👌🙏🏽
Thank God someone speaks truth to us...keep it up!
A gift to your kids is to be financially secure when you get old.
Well said. I can’t imagine burdening my son to have to financially support us in our later years. We want to be able to leave him a gift of inheritance- not the burden of debt.
@@aeromedical6750 knowledge and wisdom are the best inheritance.
Cuts both ways
Wish my mother had believed this. She did. Not want to leave a dime to anyone. She wanted to spend it all since it was her money. The problem with that is you don’t know how long you are going to live. I am paying part of he expenses because she is 95 and broke, living on social security and needs full nursing care.
@@sharons5714 that is very nice of you.
Surely you know that you do not need to. They don't throw 95 year olds out on the street.
"You can't help people who won't participate in their own rescue"
Translation: " I won't help people who are incapable of rescuing themselves"
@@DeuPKay no it's more like "I won't help people incapable of helping themselves" and you shouldn't either.
People need rescued sometimes, but many would rather drag you down with them than actually be rescued.
@@dhyskRand So you don't help children?
@@DeuPKay You are grasping at straws. Don't help people who WONT help themselves. Of course you help people who CANT help themselves. It's an important distinction to make.
@@nzoutdoor8892 Do you know what incapable means?
My parents would never ask me for money and even refuse to take it even if I offer them. To them, it's shameful to take money from their children.
My dad would rather chop his own arms off than ask his kids for money.
Most stable parents feel that way. I would never want to ask my children for money. Their father on the other hand has taken money that I have given my daughter to.spend for when he would have her and he told.her he would hold it and never gave it back. I had to threaten him for him to give it back.
@@Austenfan177 irresponsible people do not fee shame because that would require accountability, which they also lack.
Some folks are blessed.
HA my dad takes rent from me!
In my family, they feel that the one who "makes it" is supposed to take care of everyone else. I had to break the cycle after 20 years. When I cut off the ATM they became distant and I became the black sheep.
Well deserved by you. Praise be the almighty dollar! Hallelujah!
Yessssssss
Same here
this is sad, and i'm just seeing it in my future... and if it was just my parents, it will be fine for me, but even my cousins and their parents are acting entitle 😖
@@cindyh2671 I’m so sorry 😞 run away from them as much as you can
100% good advice. My parents would bleed me dry if I let them. Give that kind of mooching person a million bucks and check back in two years, they'll be dead broke again. Money ain't the issue.
That's what I was going to say. There are deeper things going on than the money issue.
Poor people have poor ways?
Truth.
@@timmcquerry6068 undisputable. US is rich.
Alcohol drugs etc my dad was a doc and an alcoholic. I love him dearly he's gone ( not long) but still blows me away.
Wow my mother was extremely poor and I had to sneak money into her purse behind her back just to get her to take it.
thats what you call a good mother
Also the fact that you do that shows that she raised you well
Your mother may not have seen you do it, but God sure did.
@@andrewheffel3565 Yea God saw you do it the same God that saw her suffer every day and didn't care .
@@andrewheffel3565 thank you!
One thing I’ve learned is never ever tell people you have money. They’re always gonna wanna ask for money. The reason her parents know is because she’s telling her parents her and her partners business.
And you actually saw her do this? Thanks for telling us.
Keep your business to yourself.
Husband
Maybe she wanted acknowledgement for doing well,Not for them to ask for proceeds for being disciplined
I agree! I got excited to tell certain family members that I got a promotion and a raise; first thing was not a congratulatory statement, it was asking for money. This was years ago and I stopped. A few months ago, I told a family member about a raise (who I thought was good), instead of congratulations, he compared it to how much less he got! I'm like, we are in different industries and positions. I stopped altogether!!
*WOW*
I could just hear the *pain in her voice* especially when Dave said, "that's wrong".
So glad this call gave her the permission to release all that guilt she doesn't deserve to carry around.
Yes. I wanted to lean in and hug her.
So true. I felt for her! I hope this call gave her some well deserved peace.
So the moral of the story is to keep your business, your business.
I couldn't of said it any better, so thanks Stefanos.
@@johnhodgson3580 have not of
Exactly. Duh
Keep your mouth shut about your finances people like to see where they can fit into those finances
Let’s call this what it is: Abuse. This is an abuse of power, abuse of relationship, psychological abuse.
"So, you're good enough to give them money but not good enough to give them advice. That's an interesting arrogance."
That's one of DR's best zingers.
Yep. A thing with the same characteristic? ATM. Don't allow it. Just. Don't.
one of the best ive heard. lol
Want to see Social distancing?
Lend People money.
🤑
I only lend what I would give them, and if they ask for more - I'll say I'm waiting on repayment of their earlier loan.
Now, that is pure gold.
ok that was Gold!
See that guy over there? Six months ago I loaned him forty bucks and now he avoids me.
The best forty bucks I have ever spent.
@@machintelligence
I loaned him $20 and got the same deal for half the price!
😂👍
Demand evidence from your feelings wow... something that made me stop and think
This is the best thing I ever heard him say
Anything that makes anyone 'stop and think' is good these days
Yes it's everything paused.
I agree. This is something I do to myself constantly.
It's a nice statement, to demand evidence of your feelings. But what I don't understand as a Christian I was raised and embraced it fully the law that we are to honor our mother and father that our days may be long. People often say they would do anything for their parents but then when their parents asked they are very reluctant. I don't understand the love of money over the well-being of the people who gave you life and brought you into this world
I helped my aunt out by paying for six months of her car payments, and the car ended up being repossessed by the bank anyway. I also used to send the same aunt a $100 check for each of Christmas and her birthday every year. One day, she called me a cheap skate for not sending her a book of stamps in the mail. Well, end of checks for her...
lol the nerve..
Good for you!
Wow 😳 I'm so sorry
Moochers are ungrateful but feel entitled.
People just really have some nerve...this is ridiculous.
The lesson here is don't share your financial status with anyone, including family!
I feel for her. I “feel” certain ways too. But my mom is an adult and she should have mastered this adult thing thirty years ago.
Hear hear!
Amen!
Yes!
Facts!
@soapfanaddict I agree. We all learn until the day we die and people forget to look in the same mirror they shouldn't shame others in.
In my family, I’m the only one who they demand money from, i’m the only one they take advantage of. I started sayin NO 5 years ago, and they continue to scream how I’m mean and have changed! Yep I earn mine, I spend mine!
Been there. I don’t even answer my phone anymore, because of this.
My father lied to us that he was looking for work when he wasn't! My sister and I supported him and Mom for two years and we didn't even get a Thank You!! You work for your money you have the right to enjoy it!!
I have never made a lot of money. I went through some health issues in my 20's and 30's. My family did not help me at all, not even a casserole. After I continued to work for 25 years and living frugally, I have no debt, I can live comfortably and I am very happy, at 46, and now, guess what? My 56YO brother and 50YO sister are now asking ME for money and help. Nope, stand strong, nadda. Hand them a Dave Book and move on.
In December of 2007, I wrecked my car. I reluctantly asked my mother for the loan of $2300 to help me replace it. In November,
2008, I had written her a check for $1,000 to pay the balance of the loan. I was overseas, working. Mom tool ill and died in Early December 2008. When the check arrived, my sister asked me if I wanted it back, since Mom was gone. I told her, "No. I owed that money to Mom. Just include it in her estate". That might seem silly, to many people, but that is how I thought about it and a gesture to my mother, to finish paying that loan. 12 years later, I am still driving the car. Yes, it is paid for....and almost 32 years old.
You did the right thing. My Grandpa lent me some money for a new computer when I got out of college. I had paid off all but a small amount when he passed away. I told my dad I would pay him back the remainder ASAP. Since he was the only child and heir, he forgave the debt. It was not required but very nice of him to do so.
Good on ya!
You have a nice family
This is called having integrity! It’s a trait that isn’t too common anymore…unfortunately.
I would have done the exact same thing. Doesn't sound silly at all.
I believe this enabling and money for love goes both ways. How many adult children continually ask their aging parents for money, and sometimes use the grandchildren as leverage. It is wrong both ways.
I have honestly told my parents I don't want anything from you. Give it all to my sister.
@@sarahs.9292 And what does your sister say about that? 🏦
The difference between enabling and helping is huge. One is abuse and the other is doing a good deed. Helping is doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. Enabling is doing for others what they SHOULD be doing for themselves. Enabling is abuse. Thats what helped me finally get enough courage to tell my family no. Just because we are related, doesnt mean you get to abuse me.
True. I believe there are more children that still ask their parents for money that the other way around. So really which is which.
@@samanthasmiles9112 Glad you are the arbitrator of what is "good behavior" and what is "bad behavior" or the detrminator of "SHOULD" smh
Don't ever tell your family how much debt you've paid off, how much money you make etc etc. You can tell them about your plans to get out of debt and recommend they follow it too, but that's about it.
So correct!
So correct!
I tell my dad about the debt we have paid off all the time and he tells me how proud he is of me. He turned me on to the Dave Ramsey plan and has always been supportive. Not everyone’s family is full of dirtbags.
@@habanerofg2 True. In your case, luckily it was the parent that introduced you to Dave Ramsey. So he knows the value of money. I'd be more open to a parent that has their stuff together already and have enough saved for their retirements.
Paying off debt does not mean you are out of debt. People are ridiculous
The biggest difficulty I have learned from being a high income earner and smart with money from a poor background is that your family expects you to help them. I would be more willing to help but they refuse to change their spending and saving habits.
I have been in the husband's position. Thank God that this woman is strong and can stand up to her parents and that she and her husband are on the same page.
Yeah it's really hard to stand up to parents in these types of situations. Especially around the holidays
My friend divorced her husband because he kept giving money to 'his mother' who is really his aunt. It's not fun; he could even throw a birthday party for his only kid.
My wife's family is the same, they are from the Philippines. I tell them no! It's not my job to support them.
Good for you! Adults need to take care of themselves.
Oh in Philippines, they call it “ pay back time” so the parents feel entitled. ( so hard to get out of it, it’s so engrained in our culture) I wish it can be done with a simple no.
Are you certain that wasn't part of the arrangement?
@@johnsteele8073 it may have been but they forgot to tell him.
Unfortunately this is very much expected in the Philippines. My husband's uncle got divorced from a Filipino, her family took all the money off her (literally millions) and then sent her back to get married again. She kept nothing.
“Best thing you can do for the poor is not be one of them”
There is a difference between Poor and broke. I grew up poor, meaning we didn't have money for wants, but we did grow our own food and was blessed that people gave us clothing. My daddy didn't owe anyone anything. He paid 100% in cash. When I wanted to buy a car he couldn't even co-sign for me, because he had no credit report. Sad. I think if he paid his taxes, electric, gas bills that all should have helped his credit. It doesn't. That is sad.
Amen!
Whose quote is that? It is a good one
I’m stealing that, in a non toxic way
@@DISASTROPHOLOGY Rev Ike, a popular televangelist from back in the 70’s and 80’s. He started this saying
I really feel for her. I had to set boundaries with with my mom. She thought since I graduated college and had a decent paying job it was time for me to take care of her. It’s difficult, but it has to be done. Glad she called in to get advice and reinforcement.
This is my dad
How did you enforce that boundary with your mum? I struggle with this. My mum feels entitled to my money since I got a good job. I don’t like feeling pressured to always cover my mum’s expenses.
@@MissKaygee101 hmm. I might have to make a video to discuss further. But the main thing was creating a way to get SPACE away from her. This required some work and support (solidarity) with my brother to set her up.
I talk to my mom almost everyday now but creating the space apart initially helped a bunch. Then I took actions from there to build the relationship in a healthier way.
My family is just proud business owners competing with each other. Once in a while one of us says how much money we make, then like a year later the other comes back with a higher income lol.
@@Time75381 sad
I am shocked how vile, envious and toxic people get when money is in play ... It disgusts me that you can't trust your own family 😕
Exactly, that’s sick
Unfortunately this is apart of every culture where family asks or feels entitled to a family members money, especially if that person is doing well.
The pain in her voice says that this has been a lifetime of toxicity.
"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud really helped me to say "NO". I used to feel so guilty.
Read it, and am practicing it. It's still hard, but gets easier every time 👍
I loooooove Henry Cloud books. I have multiple of them on my audible account
Yes!!!!!! Me too. Excellent book
@@sabrinatiahrt3062 YAYYYYY He is truly a gifted and profound Christian doctor, his insights are absolutely incredible
Love this book
I always tell my family I am broke. Lost thousands of dollars to them. I won’t repeat that mistake. I cut them off if they are too much. It’s better to be financially stable than family taking all your money.
Dave just fixed everyone's issues with parents in like 10 minutes.
1000% agree with Dave. Parents should never shame their kids for money. Extremely toxic.
When you “lend” money to family you’ll never get it back and they’ll keep asking for more with no intention of paying it back.
I lived that lie for 30 years.
@@carpediem6431 smh
I wonder how many people are dealing with this in their lives. God bless you all.
Lend my mom 10k never seen a dime and it's. 7yrs later but might get something after the long wait
@@enhancedutility266 might is correct, such a sad thing to deal with
@@famlauriek7353 not mad just disappointed it was my investment money at the time
I'm currently dealing with this.. and its not easy.. when your parents are the selfish ones to YOU.. thank you, we need the blessings
@@enhancedutility266 Same here, it’s absolutely disgusting.
I’ll be doing my debt free scream in private by myself in a closet for exactly this reason . They will recognize my voice on this show. My family is big and everywhere . Going to act broke as long as possible lol
😅😅
lol me too! I’ve given way too much money away to family and I’m in debt.
A quote from the late great economist, Dr. Walter E. Williams, "I'll tell you my idea of social justice. I keep what I earn, and you keep what you earn. Now tell me how much of what I earn belongs to you, and why."
Up to 37% because I'm the government
You have the right idea!
That works if people have the same resources, but they don't. Not helping your schools, infrastructure, churches/community, Healthcare, security etc...shows you lack morals. People who believe this should go live on a mountain and only rely on themselves. Good luck. EVERYONE gets help from somewhere so you owe something back.
That's why no matter what you make you should be taxed 10% of you're income. You don't work you don't eat . We shouldn't have to pay for lazy people. I know a guy with a cdl and he could be making triple the money he makes and he refuses to use his cdl to get a trucking job . He just didn't want to do it and yes fully capable . Yes him and his gf are getting welfare etc..
Good thing I don't work for dept job and family services. I would say you have a cdl go use it.
I don't think these people that have kids they can't pay for care ...bc they know that they will get public assistance. What a joke. If people have kids they can't afford I say they should have to give them up to someone who can by law. I'm sick of funding lazy people and the kids grow up to do the same thing !
As for her parents get a job, get a second job lol...that's what I would say
Some people read this and think it sounds selfish. Some people read this and see a message of personal responsibility and empowerment.
The world would not be a better place if resources were simply shared with those who don't embrace the responsibility for contributing what is necessary to acquire them. You're only doing them a short term favor at the expense of their long term autonomy. I've helped many people, and I can speak from experience when I say that most of them don't need a quick fix, they need to radically change how they think and behave, particularly about money/value/consumption.
If the bank can't do it neither can I sorry not sorry! 😂😂
I like your thinking.
Gangsta. I like that quote
Yes, I love this
I've always said if a bank with millions or billions of dollars don't deem you worthy, why should I? My children also know Mom's not co-signing for anything! (learned that from Suze). Lol
I'm going to have to borrow this! 💯
In most Asian cultures, kids are expected to take care of theirs parents. I get it, if they make sacrifices 4 you. but, my parents didn't. My mom still expected me to take care of her. I did 4 eight years because of toxic guilt trips! The stress was taking a toll on my health. I had to disowned my parents, uncles, siblings, etc. because they took her side and because they were enjoying the gifts my mom buy them w/my money! It was the best thing I ever did 4 my sanity and health!
Learn from someone who made the mistake of giving money to a family member, don't do it. My niece once reached out to me to borrow some money because she said they didn't have money for rent that month. I gave in and helped her out. Fast forward to a couple of months later and another relative informed me that my niece had actually used her rent money for that month to go on vacation. Never again.
Wow this is sad to hear.
Take that as a lesson learned. Now you know going forward.
Appalling! ☹️
I don't know you or your family but I would suggest confronting your niece if you can, without letting on to her, or anyone else, how you know or 'suspect' this.
@@talentoso2212 Yes she did. After I told her that I was not happy that she misled me.
@@ceciliajohnson8812 Done.
This is why they brought John D into the Ramsey group. He's not a finance guy, but he absolutely has a place on this team based on how frequently Dave gets calls like this.
Doctor D might be my favorite other than Dave. I really love when Doctor D and Ken co-host together
At 40, I finally stopped allowing the guilt trip that my parents would take me on to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. No one has a right to make you feel guilty for setting up boundaries in your life. I understand this very well.
Good for you. Family members often prey on people like you who feel a moral obligation to help out. They won’t play guilt trip with the other family members who don’t buy into that game - but will with you as long as they think they can get away with it. I’ve learned to emotionally distance myself from that kind of behavior after many years of succumbing to the “guilt trip” game.
I understand...going through this now..not easy.
🤘
40 is a magical year where you quit giving a fuck.
Never tell anyone what you have or don't have. It's no bodies business.
I always come back to this video, cuz my parents never stop trying to shame me for my money
This is great advice. I’m the youngest of 6 children and I deal with this. I’ve written 7 books, started my TH-cam channel, and will be starting an online academy 2021. My hard work shouldn’t equate to money in your pockets.
Congratulations!
Are the books selling?
I am entitled to part of the money you earned via your hard work! Why? Reasons, feels and I want it!
Exactly
Amen and well done!
My parents never talk about retirement, we're a traditional Hispanic family. As I got older I realized my parents had no retirement plan and all my siblings were oblivious to this fact. As a Senior in college, I took it upon myself to help draft a retirement plan for them while they were still in prime working years. For anyone in a similar situation, start as soon as possible. It's either that or wait until they can't work as much anymore and you have to support them financially yourself. Also, there's also a belief that the sibling with the highest salary is the one that has to do all the heavy lifting, while the poorer siblings get away with paying the bare minimum and look at you with disgust when you make them pay their fair share because " You're the rich one".
This happens in African homes too
Good for you, getting out in front of it. I hope that worked out well.
How did that go over? Are they following it?
You shouldn’t have to pay anything at all. Parents are entitled.
This is why you never tell anyone your business especially family.
Me as Mexican my part of the family they never where teach about responsibility with money they spend there money and expect you to bell them out ....
Yea I get what you mean. I’m in a difficult position where I want to move out with my gf but I’m currently paying rent (and helping out with groceries) at my parents house since they’re not in the best position financially. I need to move out but telling my parents essentially “you’re on your own”, is what I’m struggling with. They aren’t forcing me to do anything but they’ve sacrificed a lot to get me where I’m at today, it’s hard to just say “thanks for the help, I’m making good money now because of you, I’m leaving...”
I hope that you’re doing better in managing this.
@@jaimeb4774 If the gf was your fiancee and you were saving up/ planning for the wedding, I'd understand. Otherwise, it's going to he a roommate situation still.
I swear they just keep and keep getting more and more in debt and expect u to pay it off probably when u graduate
La peor cosa de esta situación es que el peso por lo usual, se lo hechan a las hijas y no a los varones. Cuando mi mamá estaba viva, ella si me protegía en ese aspecto de mi papá.
@@jaimeb4774 very similar situation ... I’d love to move to a new city just to get a new experience in life and sometimes this same situation holds me back... sending good vibes your way!
It's parents responsibility to provide for their kids and not the other way around. It's a concept that more need to get.
Very true. I had a roommate who was from the Middle East and I remember him telling me that he is responsible for taking care of his family when they get older. In some cultures they see kids as a retirement investment. Although it’s fair to say they pay for his school expenses so he doesn’t have any student loan debt.
@@zachwalters8001 It's a poor people way of thinking. That having a dozen kids is a way of investment. Kids are not obligated to take care of their parents. It should be done if they so desire. I'm not a religious person but even the Bible says that parents are responsible for their children.
actually, parents invest in their kids so the kids could provide for them in old age. Whats the point of having kids all they do is take and never give
@@Jen1112111 And what's the point of bringing kids into this world that you cannot afford or take care of? Kids were not asked to be brought into this world. That was your decision. And it's not mandatory that they take care of you in your old age. That's based on them. It's still your responsibility to protect and to provide, for their education etc
@@zachwalters8001 I’m from Romania and we have the same concept as your old roommate. I have lived with my parents until I was 30 yrs old, parents paid for everything for me always, vacations, school included..never asked a penny for rent or bills even when I offered, loved me unconditional even if I was a rebellious enough sometimes, as teenager.
When the time will come, I would unquestionably, return the care and help for my family because they totally deserve it. Honestly I was shocked, first when I moved to US, and learned what a nursing home is, because we take in our elders and care for them until the end.
Read stories of NFL players or other major league players. They get drafted and the whole family excepts them to give them what they want. Then they run out of money right away. There are some good interviews of players talking about how you can’t help everyone and you have to draw a line at some point.
Nathan Bishop, this also sounds like people who win million dollar lotteries. Everyone has their hand out.
@@andicantu6490 True that, and it’s not like we don’t care about our families, we love em. But as much as I like helping people, you just can’t help everyone, there is a line to draw.
Also, the number of years most of those players will earn that much money is generally few. If they do not save some of it will these family members be paying to support them? I think not.
That whole logic of being anonymous to accept your lottery winnings! Big Time help!
I feel the burden in her tears. Its hard coming from a family that didn't pave a way for you. Its hard being born into debt and trying to swim out of it. Being born into a cycle is not fun.
I needed to hear this today. In Africa we call it black tax and to be honest it’s suffocating me right now. But I’m glad I stood my ground and told them how I felt about the money lending culture
You are worthy of a good life and abundance , God bless
I worked with a women from the Philippines. I was her manager. She broke down in my office bawling because they were drowning in credit card debt because of the expectations her family back home had with sending money back. Because she was living in the rich country she was now supposed to support everyone back home and was going into deep debt to avoid upsetting her family. I had to have this exact same talk with her.
I had a good friend who I continually lent money to. One year she inherited $50,000. Do you think she offered to pay one dime back to me? Not one cent was offered.
Wow. This seems to always be the case.
No offense to you but that’s not a good friend. They’ve shown you what they think of you
Bet the $50,000 was one within two years.
then you didnt lend her the money. You gifted it to her.
@brandon Ha! Ruthless - but I like it.
Your immediate family comes first. Your spouse and your children. Sorry a simple NO is a must.
This is a common issue that we millennials don't talk about with friends.
Yes. I think a big part of why so many (not all) Baby Boomers did ok is because they had such great economies in comparison to Gen X and everyone after.
My parents have had three bankruptcies, and hit me up for money constantly. Even as a teen working fast food, they demanded money from me.
They would always claim me on taxes, even though I lived separately from them and paid for my own rent, utilities etc.
No, they didn’t pay tuition, car insurance, deductibles or anything. I didn’t even know I had the right to claim myself !
I have given them thousands. To hear them tell it though, their kids always were supported by them.
So many of my friends are in the same situation.
Financial abuse is a real thing for a lot of people.
@@jenna6082 holy bad
@@jenna6082 I'm right there with you. Unfortunately my brother is an addict and both he and my dad know that I am making -ok- money and I'm basically the "adult" in the family, so both of them try to hit me up for money all the time.
Each time I say no, I can tell they feel hurt, but it makes my resolve a little bit stronger.
I can't help them by hurting my current or future finances, and it doesn't help them anyway to throw money at the addiction & immaturity.
@shola Thankfully by bff & I grew up together enough to see the dysfunction in each other's families, so we talk openly about the issues we face with toxic family dynamics, and our parents constantly asking us for money, rides to places because they don't have their own cars, or asking to move in with us.
It's really great to have someone to lean on and vent to that has been/is in the same boat.
Stay strong!
@@jenna6082 I think it's the timing too ..they grew up in the 60s which were crazy in America ..I think it caused alot of mental health issues which decreases ability to make good money ..plus lack of financial education.
I can relate to this. It's hard growing up poor and trying to do better and then FEELING BAD when you have more than just paycheck to paycheck and you don't use it to help your family. I am not even close to being rich but I got my first 1K in savings and I'm so proud of that. I hope she finds peace because I started seeing a therapist this year because the burden is so heavy.
As humans our relationship with money is SO strange. Thinking her family is now entitled to just have some of her money for no reason is toxic.
It's time we stopped penalizing people who make good choices by making them support people who make bad choices. Time to let nature take its course.
Well said.
Yup cut welfare.
Just remember, *there’s a difference between family and just relatives. Family genuinely wants to see you win. Related are simply just people that are related to you*
Never discuss your finances with your family. Similar to how work and love don’t mix, neither does family and finances.
A lot of professional athletes probably need to hear this. Too many of them going broke because they are made to feel like they owe mom a new house and car.
Coming from an immigrant family and family that gave up a lot for me to have a better opportunity, I can relate with this caller. I think it's okay to give some money but not be a complete sponsor to them.
Regardless what situations we overcome parents shouldn't feel entitled. No one forced them to have kids and it wasn't like she never helped. They actually asked for money and not wanting to be on the plan like she and her husband did. They resent her for it and that's wrong.
@@tinateews9494 I think it's a difference of culture and upbringing. When someone gives up a lot for another with parents and children I think it's fair to take care of them, such as taking them in the household. I don't mean we just give them all the money and everything they want because that would be careless.
@@Austenfan177 that'll be a bad look on her parents. The children shouldn't be the answer for "retirement" or an easy way out. I agree with you there.
@@dayvidsdays5644 Please don't think I'm mean...just fixing one thing for you. It's *culture and raising* not *uprising*...uprising has a whole different meaning and I wouldn't want someone to get confused reading your comment. Nonetheless, your comment is correct that a lot of times cultural differences do come into play.
@@lisacox3750 Ahha. No please do. I think I meant upbringing. 😂 haha. I don't use that term often so I made a mistake. I edited my comment
I know a guy who did the "We're all family" thing. He borrowed thousands of dollars from his family and friends and burned every single bridge whenever they stopped giving money to him.
I hate when family members want to “borrow” money. For example, my brother always asks to borrow money but I know well every time I do he gives an excuse why he can’t pay it back. It’s really annoying because he’s way older than me. I have my own family to worry about. So now I say no I can’t.
When you have grown children, you should be well past the "stupid phase" financially.
I used to help my family, a lot. I didnt think much of it because I was helping and thought that's what family was supposed to do. Then when I got into hard times. I didn't ask for help but I was instead being asked to help still. When. I said I couldn't, suddenly I changed and don't care and i like watching other people suffer.
That's when I woke up and just started saying no and just worried about myself. I distanced myself from most of them but they still manage to call and chit chat but somehow work in their money troubles and sorrows in hopes I would offer help again. I don't. I just tell them that I feel their pain and leave it at that.
I just don't tell most of my family how I'm doing, because I don't want to go through this.
same and sometimes ill make a point to note how little i have in my checking account (accurate) to give the illusion I live like most americans but in reality i just move eveything left after bills to savings LOL
It's so sad that we have to lie or omit this part of our lives because our family and friends might actually be entitled jerks. We want to celebrate our success with those we love, but it's... hard because tons of people have entitlement issues and not everyone is the best at confrontation or has the energy to keep up with having to say no to them constantly while feeling super disappointed in their incessant proof of their entitlement.
Never talk to your family about your financial situation.. Period
My family is the same way. They have a dysfunctional relationship with money and I would never loan them anything
The difference between enabling and helping: helping is doing for others which they CANNOT do for themselves. Enabling is doing for other for which they SHOULD be doing for themselves.
Enabling is abuse. It hurts the people you love.
What a shame, parents like that is disgraceful! Be proud of your child!
She sounded so relieved, that it was okay to say 'no' to her parents.
This happens a lot with kids from poor families or certain cultures. My mom is the most wonderful person I know, but she constantly shames for not giving her money. It isn't even for her it's for family back home who call and ask. People I've never met or spoken too.
FACTS!!!! Where is your family from, the Caraibes?? 😂
Helping out family that are trying is okay but helping out family that is not trying I say cut the cord & let them fall.
"I didnt tell you I paid off all of that debt for you to ask me for money, I told you I paid off all of that debt cause I thought you would be proud of me and that you would want to do the steps".
Right? It's heartbreaking. You go along thinking they want the best for you, but then when you succeed they blindside you by actually just wanting to use you. The fact that they only see you as a resource and don't actually care about you and what you want for your life. And then they tell you you're the selfish one for not giving them whatever they want.
This resonates w/me so much! This holiday season has been tough - I'm not speaking to my parents right now because nothing is ever enough for them. You give and give and give because you want to help, but if you don't empty your pockets completely you're not a good daughter. I've helped consistently ever since working (12 years) and have given massive amounts. Most recently I gave my brother 57K to get his life together w/rehab and after, when I asked him to get a job he said something very vile to me and haven't said anything since (he's sober and working). I gave my father 16K to take care of things throughout the house and before Christmas, he said I'd given him pennies and don't take care of him. In a separate incident, mother said that I don't help the family despite having given THOUSANDS over the years, 5K before losing my job due to the pandemic, and buying 3K groceries when going home for Christmas. I feel like I'm literally losing my mind! I've resolved to cutting them off and living my life without family - for my sanity. Keep me in your prayers please.
🙏🏽
Time to build your own family. Even if it's just a circle of friends. You deserve people who actually care about you and celebrate you, not try to eat you alive for thrmselves.
Ur too good for those guys
Geez! See this is why you can’t help some people. I don’t know if it’s resentment they hold towards you for helping them, but they always do stuff like this. I learned the hard way withh my family. Never again. Hope your doing better noe
Be strong and of good courage
I have parents like that . When they do compare me and my sisters to other kids who support their parents . My parents are just waiting from my sister to graduate nursing school and they want to retire . My dad hasn’t worked for 10 years who is 56 and guilt trips my older sister to forcing her to pay for his expensive tastes in antique furniture. He was never good with money , no savings only showing off to his friends when he buys antique furniture . The min my older sister starts saving he keeps calling her repeatedly and guilt trips her into sending money .my parents say since they looked after us as kids , it’s our job to look after them which I I don’t believe in . Most of us are in college have debt to pay off.
Hugs.
They're the ones that made decisions to have kids. Ugh that just annoys me.
Su, I went through the same thing so I feel for you guys. Now in my mid-40s I would advise your sister give them as little as possible. It is more important to invest her money while she's young and let it grow. You guys have plenty of time to help your parents financially in the future when you have accumulated more wealth. I love Dave's practical advice, but also recommend "The Money Guy" show on youtube with Brian Preston and Bo. They give excellent advice and provide great charts and graphs on wealth by age.
On the spiritual side, I discovered Peter Crone on youtube and he said "Life brings you circumstances and people to show you WHERE YOU ARE NOT FREE. Your past happened exactly as it did and it won't change." You can't change your parents, but you can manage them. Because of who they are, they have made you girls into strong responsible wise women! That advice helped me tremendously and I hope the info above is useful. Good Luck!
WoW..not good at all..smh. Don't do it because you will end up with nothing and in his same position. You don't want that for yourself.
He's only 56 lol. When they say you are supposed to take care of your parents when they are old, they aren't talking about middle-aged men, he's not even old. How is he paying his bills if he hasn't worked in 10 years?
I call that a guilt trip. Families often try to do that with other members who are doing well in life.
I was working two jobs, saving to return to college, spending well below my means while staying with my parents. My father came to me..he was short on cash to pay a tax bill. I knew he never would have come to me unless it was serious. I immediately wrote the check, no questions asked. I trust him more than anyone alive and I knew he would find a way to get it back to me. He did that through straight up cash or helping me with things such as a new desktop, a laptop, etc. I never lorded it over him and I only mentioned it twice. I would not do this for anyone else.
I went out with an Italian guy and he said he wanted kids so they would take care of him in old age. I laughed but thought why would you do that to your kids. It's a big burden for them to take on .I wouldn't want it. He did pay for some of his parents rent even though he was on minimum wage himself ...crazy.
I been in this situation before. Family use to always come to my door with their hands out. It was soo annoying. It’s always “I’m trying to come up with the money for rent and I don’t know what to do” or “I’m a few dollars short”. You know what I did? Just kept saying “no” and took longer to answer their calls. They hadn’t bugged me in months now.
When parents borrow money from adult children
That is the quintessential toxic
We need a compilation playlist of all of the advice Dave has done over the years regarding parents who try to burden their children with their poor financial choices. Please and thanks!
Don’t ever share how much you make with family. They will be holding out their hands. They don’t want to do what they need to do to get their finances in shape-it’s easier to mooch.
Thank you Dave and Dr John! My siblings keep giving money to my parents. They think I am selfish! My parents made bad financial decisions and think the adult kids need to help! I started listening to Dave and it saved me from the guilt! My husband and I put up the boundary wall 4 years ago! I used to feel guilty but not anymore! I need to focus on my kids and my legacy I don’t want my kids to feel the way I have for 48 years with my parents!
Stay strong and don’t give in to them!
Sometimes you just have to cut ties and tell them to get lost.
Gift your parents with love, advice, sympathy, and compassion...but in this case, not money...at least not until your parents can prove they know how to manage their own finances in the long term.
My wife's parents stole from us early in the marriage. It was either file a police report and they get arrested, or let it slide. It has been an issue in our marriage over these past 27 years. We have gotten past it but my relationship with my in laws has a touch of strain and they sense it. My wife is fine with that and like that. I keep them on their toes. I can never trust them, and they know it. They dare not ask for anything and haven't in all these years. A couple of years ago they misappropriated a few thousand from their son meant for dental work. So now they burned that bridge too. They have never learned. As long as they keep that mess away from me I don't really care.
You're better than that cause I def would have filed charges.
@@michellerichardson3090 it was a source of contention for us for a while. I almost did, but ultimately I'm glad I didn't.
@@Coach__B I can understand that. Just happy you guys have gotten past it and hopefully they continue to leave you guys be
I agree with Dave about "but it's family.". My brother and his wife are toxic to be around. My mom wants me to spend time with them because "their family.". They have made my wife cry and while I love them, the "they're family" rule will not fly for me any more.
NEVER do Business with Friends or Family
What I learned from life is that people are envious. I live in a upper class area, retired at 57 and invested wisely. People dont want to consider what I went through to get to this end result and are looking for me to help them. As a function of this, I keep low key, drive a Toyota and dont express my wealth. They least they know they better
This segment hits home for me because my sister and I were raised by my mother. She provided us everything and gave us anything we wanted growing up. She hit hard times with money over the past few years since we moved out and my sister and I have given her money knowing she wouldn’t be able to pay us back. I’ve had to create boundaries over the years to not have her requests for money knock me off track of my financial goals. It’s a tough boundary to create but if your family really cares about your well being they will respect it. My mother didn’t at first but now that she accepts why I put those boundaries in place, we have a much better relationship now.
This happens to me regularly, my Dad is the one who insisted we get on Dave Ramsey's plan but when he needs money he shows up on the doorstep demanding what he knows full well we have put away because he knows we're on the plan. When I hold my boundary at NO he gets very upset & says I owe him the respect a father deserves & that I should hand it over at his word he'll "pay it back".
It disgusts me that he's willing to put my family in jeopardy & honestly gets mad when I won't fund his foolishness. Sometimes it feels like he wanted us on the plan to serve as a savings account for him to pull from when he wants. Instead the manipulation doesn't work & I respect Dave, myself & my money more than him & he acts like a child. Cycle broken!!