How to Stop the SHAME Spiral "Am I a Bad Person?"- Shame vs. Guilt
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ส.ค. 2024
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When you make a mistake you have two choices. Knowing the difference between shame and guilt can change your life. Let’s say you hurt someone you really care about.
Guilt says “What I did was wrong. I made a mistake.”
Shame says “I am a mistake. There’s something wrong with me.”
Is shame ruining your life? Is shame ruining your relationships? Do you feel like you’re a piece of crap? Do you feel broken when you mess up?
Shame leads to defensiveness, trying to cover up what you’ve done, or just giving up. Brene Brown teaches how shame ruins relationships, but in this video I go into detail.
Shame is a very subtle form of avoidance. It’s your super smart brain trying to squirm it’s way out of responsibility by saying that you had no choice because you’re just a bad person. But shame is a lie. It’s a distortion.
Shame can lead to self-punishment, withdrawal, blowing up relationships, and destructive behaviors like drug use.
On the other hand, guilt - I’m not talking about exaggerated guilt due to impossible standards - but honest guilt can actually help improve relationships. For an addict in recovery, feeling guilt can be a sign that you’re going through a healthy recovery process by owning your behaviors and trying to change them.
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I am nearing 60 and for the past few years i have been getting " flashbacks" of the most innocuous little things i had done in childhood and early adulthood and getting strong, cringing feelings of guilt and shame that weren't there before.
Sending care!
This may be OCD.
@@CeceliaHampton92 thanks a lot. Can you send loads of money in an envelope!? Haha. seriously. Much appreciated
@@Maarillu i do have a compulsive tendency to over think. My mood hit new lows because of lockdowns.
that is probably childhood PTSD and EMDR might help
This video may have saved my life. I was feeling suicidal today because I felt shame over how my mental health issues have impacted my family and friends and I realized that guilt would be the more helpful response here and that I don't gain anything by shaming myself and neither do the people who were hurt by my actions...I sent apology texts to a few of my family members and also remembered that they had already said in the past that they don't blame me for being a bit loud when I get upset.
I am glad you are doing better
Glad you’re here! Keep going
Sending you a great big hug!
I'm fed up of feeling shame. Some people just don't care and never feel they do wrong. I do one thing I'm not proud of and lose the plot. I know I need to do better in certain areas of my life, but for god's sake, it amplifies so much in my mind 😤
If we fail we never fail alone! It's always a whole system that fails.
We are a civilisation where everyone sits in his ego. We are on our way to become a civilisation where bystanding is natural. But we are not there yet. So we leave "darkness" to individuals. "I don't wanna be in darkness. I wanna shine and be glorious. You go down and clean up the cellar!"
And some of us are so kind to do it for everyone else.
And in that program individuals fail because everyone else let them.
And that's how to differentiate between shame and guilt.
At least you have identified the problem.
An actual 'bad person' would never ask themselves whether they are a 'bad person'.
'bad person' is in quotes because I believe we're all bad people in the sense that we've all done bad stuff... But what comes to mind when I think of 'bad person' as a category is someone with little to no empathy or self-awareness.
When something happened to me I just started sweating profusely and my anxiety went through the roof and now I’m here still struggling 😢
@@Kai_Swinson are you ok now my friend.
@@Andrewtatesbutt yeah I’m better
this isn't true because i exist and im a stalker by definition
You know what! You are right. So right. hit the head on the nail. Still is hard to not be shamed. They are so good at it.
When feelings of shame show up in a situation where you are feeling avoidant, but you want to achieve something, continuing to show up is so important. For example, if you feel shame in group situations but you enjoy doing what you do in the group, like learning a new skill; by keep showing up, the brain begins to realise that you can continue to learn this skill and you can also work on what happens to you in a group situation. It may not be comfortable at first, but it is possible. Personal responsibility for shame wins in the end. You can do this, move out of the shame hole. I like how you have put this here Emma. "Looking shame in the eye". Thank you. Neuroplasticity is key, the more you practice showing up in ways you want to be, you are making new pathways. The brain really is amazing.
Thank you for adding further clarity to the excellent content of Emma's video here. I grew up in a toxic shame making family environment and have struggled throughout life with toxic shame.
Recently I misjudged somebody in a group which I attend. I did see my mistake and apologize for it.
Rather than avoid the group I pushed myself to keep attending and I discovered that the person had instantly forgiven me anyway and wasn't even offended. I discovered that we actually have much in common with each other and have now become friends... fantastic 😊
@@Liesl_Cigarboxguitar your story here is warming to hear. Thank you for sharing. How encouraging to hear a friendship came from your experience. I love Emma's informative, relatable videos ❤️
Shame is a social construct and if you don't allow a building permit for shame, then the social dance changes.
You have the power to set the boundary in the entity setting and move to mistake and forgive if social or moral error. If task error, move quickly to rectify and forgive lesson learned. I see this in younger generations where a moral compass still exists but the shame is not allowed to exsist. Often contracted this with consumers in public health care. Change and destroy shame works. Forgiveness and accountability work more effectively.
When I was a child, I was laughed at by all the kids at my school because my mother mistakenly gave me a school uniform that was supposed to be worn for a different day, where I was very embarrassed and found it difficult to forget the incident even though it had happened decades ago. Since then I have been traumatized by being in a crowd because it makes me remember when many people laughed at me just because of that trivial mistake.
I embarrassed myself today. Said something stupid to someone I like out of jealousy. Immediately felt awful and apologised as soon as I could. Your video put into words exactly how I felt for the rest of the day. Feeling like I screw up everything I do and how there's no reason for anyone to like me. This video was exactly what I needed.
Sometimes even if you own up to your shame and mistakes your loved ones won’t understand. It’s important to love yourself enough to change even if important people in your life reject you.
Guilt is way worse than you describe. It doesn't say "I need to fix this", it says "I need to be punished for what I did". Hence, why the cycle repeats.
Yeah I think she got it a little backwards. Shame is automatic but guilt festers and we spend too much time getting ping ponged between both
That sounds like shame to me. Guilt is an inappropriate response and would likely produce a reasonable effect. What you describe doesn't sound reasonable.
"I need to be punished for what I did" sounds like shame, just manifesting itself in a different way
"Values are a direction not an outcome." Love that.
Thank you for providing a straightforward explanation of the difference between shame and guilt and tips on what to do about it, including that shame is our brain being sneaky about avoiding responsibility. What a useful reframe! It gives you the power back instead of spiraling--"to act instead of being acted upon."
Thanks Whitney!
My shame has been following me for 17years and I feel I’ll never get rid of it
Shame dies in the sunlight. Face it, write about it, share it with someone safe- when you really look at it, shame is a lie. It's lying to you.
@@TherapyinaNutshell i find this very difficult since I felt shame since age 3 due to sexual abuse. Soon after all sorts of trauma occured that pushed me in a dark shamefull state, like being rejected by my mother while i was not knowing her, being left for"addoption" with some relatives and them returning me to my grandma because I was wetting the bed, my mother 's suicide attempted wich I thaught was my fault also at that age.
Repeated rejection from my mother (she was screaming and she seen that I was around) , more sexual abuse ..and getting lost with my drunk grandma who was raising me..and people from neighbourhood humiliating her while I was around scared.
I felt shame all my life, to the point that any bad thing, any misstreatement from someone was allways my fault, even if it was clear it was not. I did not know how is to just be, live without it
@@angelicacroitoru4946sending you love and light ✨️ I hope you're doing well 💜
Last year I made this discovery about myself: that I was carrying a lot of shame from a few childhood incidents, and that it was majorly interfering with so much of my adult life. It was an epiphany. The only problem was: so how do I resolve my shame? I’ve been reading up on it and watching videos. But this is one of the best breakdowns I have seen and heard so far. I can use this logic to heal and I have been. Feeling so much lighter already!
I want to thank you so much for this video. I have come to realize that shame has become a major behind the scenes player in my life. On a natural level, through counseling, and on a spiritual level through spiritual direction and prayer, I have begun to realize the roots shame had taken in my life. The beautiful thing is that this realization has not been a death sentence, rather, I have been able to tackle my shame head on and realize that it is such a LIAR. Just within the last month, I have seen progress in my thought patterns and behavior that I thought would take years to come to. Keep praying for me that I have perseverance! You, like me, deserve a life of integrity and authentic, unadulterated joy.
yes! Great work! and shame dies in sunlight because it is a liar, it's the wizard of oz- it sounds spooky and terrifying behind a curtain but it's just a sham
@@TherapyinaNutshell I love that, thank you.
All of the best My brother 🙏👍
Sounds like you’re doing so well. I have watched this video and have just realised how much I shame myself too. I could hear my internal shaming but hadn’t recognised it was such a pattern .
I think my shame is also now the perpetrator of more mistakes - as I become ever more fearful of criticism I avoid it and flare up defensively at anything that is- or I think might be - criticism.
I see now that when I feel criticised I fail to properly see anyone else’s point as my brain goes into a spin - my analogy is like being in a courtroom where I argue both defence and prosecution and I think if I’m found guilty , I will lose all self worth forever. What I see ALSO is the perspective of the other person gets lost in the drama . No wonderI’m told say I don’t listen (which I usually indignantly deny) - or that i somehow make everything about myself .
I also think I am so hard on myself because I think this is what I’m supposed to do to repent ? I see now that I also get resentful at those who do bad things to me, who apologise but don’t shame themselves like I do , because it doesn’t feel genuine . Or I hold a grudge because they didn’t seem that sorry .
You have truly helped me see this trap I have created for myself and this ‘courtroom’ and I want to start listening better and working on my relationships
Thabkyou
This is tough. Self-flagellation and shameful punishment was something abusive family would *only* accept as an apology, no other resolution techniques. Honest taking of responsibility and showing up was seen as a threat to their authority or manipulation attempt, and making them feel better by putting on a self-shame show was all that would be tolerated. Unlearning this is REALLY hard, because I don't believe my honest guilt is even honest at this point. This is going to be a long journey.
I hear you. I go to that place when people are abusive or scary towards me, but I don’t want to. Has anything been helping?
@latenitetubing One year later, I have some more insight but I haven't had many opportunities to execute it. It's kind of a tangled mess. In DBT, I've come to learn that guilt and shame are the same to me. I can perform the steps of a genuine apology and accountability, and sincerely want to make amends, but also feel completely unworthy of consideration or forgiveness--if someone tries to give it, I get suspicious that they are messing with me and want me to grovel more. I get now that that is a script I was programmed with.
I got better at performing less horrific "conflict resolutions" and suspend my desire for someone to tell me I basically don't deserve to exist, but that leaves me hanging, like something isn't finished and that there is an open liability somewhere. I think I do it to myself now because I've done a good job at surrounding myself with people who don't want to treat me poorly, but don't know how to exist without being someone else's light to dim or bag to punch.
Growing up under malignant narcissism has really bad consequences. But I'm further along than I was.
Interesting... I grew up catholic and shame was a requirement
Why is it that I feel incredible shame over the most unimportant things? Not only do I keep recalling past events and shaming myself for "seeming ridiculous", but every time I speak or state an honest thought I feel immediate shame and regret, I keep belittling myself and my opinions. I know this is self-destructive behavior, how can I change this thought process/reaction? I did have a period of time where I felt confident enough to not think so negatively, and just speak out normally, but it was short lived and now I'm back to the same habit.
I should add that I feel like I did something wrong all the time when I did nothing wrong, I literally just spoke (e.g. commented on something or ordered food...) and this happens even in text form, I immediately feel like I should delete what I wrote. It's like I'm constantly feeling judged by invisible people. Now I'm self aware that I constantly engage in this negative and false self talk. Is this lack of confidence or social anxiety?
You're not alone. I'm like this too..and I'm trying to be positive and mature for a lonnng time. Not just a period of time.
@@moondvst4131that's a good fuckin question can someone answer that pls
This is frickin me - THANK YOU for writing it out
Nope, so there is two kingdoms around you Heaven and darkness, the kingdom of Heaven will encourage you and motivate you to good things demons speak, they have a voice but we must rebuke them in the name of Jesus
A truly Bad Evil Person would never be guilty or shameful over what they have done they delight over what they did they have no shame or guilt over what they did.they laugh and brag about the evils they have done to others they justify what they do they don't have a desire to change their ways or do better at all.like they just do what they they do and have no shame when they do something they have no empathy shame or guilt over it.they just do it and take pleasure over their actions!!! And this is not weakness no again a truly wicked evil person would never have shame or guilt.
Exactly I couldn’t say it any better
This helped me apologize to my boyfriend, I had so many feelings of shame and my god I didn't realize how limiting it was. Thank you for all that you do. ❤
Had an argument with my mother about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Can't shake this feeling that I'm a piece of shit. We're good now, but I still feel like a horrible person for what I did by lashing out on her. The worst part, it's not my first time; it doesn't happen too often, but it's happened more than once. I'm terrible with consteuctive criticism, but I truly want to be better with it and be a better person in general. I hope I become a better person; I really do. Had to vent on here.
I have the same problem, except it happens very often. I really don’t know how to fix it, I hate making her feel bad but I really can’t help it, I just lash out.
this brought up a lot of anger in me. i feel near constant shame just for existing like it's not even really tied to obviously doing something "wrong" so guilt may not be applicable? i'm angry because i wasn't modeled healthy coping mechanisms, and i wasn't taught how to regulate my nervous system as a kid and now it feels like a big impossible task. i know my shame is connected to an inner critic monologue of if you're not perfect you don't have a right to exist. i don't know how to move past this.
I hear you. Having the same thoughts. Wishing you well
I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself as you continue to heal. I have List of tools I use to combat my shame and negative spiraling thoughts
Laughter
Dancing
Singing
Exercise this the most effective tool for me
Eating well
Sleeping well
Mindfulness
Meditation
Friends
Self care
Bicycle
Gym
Guitar
Wishing all continued healing and love.
Shame can sometimes be misunderstood as "humility" and so we may inadvertently encourage it.
Thank you for another insightful session. I’ve had shame spirals all my life, tracing back to the days when my parents constantly shamed me in public for the slightest “mistakes” in their eyes. Recently I realized that it’s a form of avoidance. I’m done with telling myself that I’m a terrible human being, not fixing anything, and end up returning to the same dysfunctional mode next time.
When you said it's not your fault that you've been abused and you're not broken I had to pause and just cry for a bit. My counselor gave me this link and I'm ever so grateful. Very powerful words.
Sounds like an awesome counsellor. Did he or she give you any other helpful resources that you’d feel okay with sharing? I’m at a loss of where to go next and uncertain about the path with my own counsellor.
We are all human and shouldn’t try to stop ‘negative’ emotions…. But more look into the understanding that we will feel all emotions good and bad… but we don’t have to stay there. You are not worthless, you are not a bad person ❤️🙏🏽
Thank you for that! Especially the affirmation that says" it's not your fault you were abused" a lot of people realy need to hear that because the guilt lies are so strong when we talk about deep traumas
Oh my goodness, I have battled with shame for so long, I am coming out of such extreme avoident patterns it is quite shacking where shame over time in its insidious nature has lead me. Love hearing this
In what ways do you mean extreme avoidant patterns? I've been trying to figure out too what's happening if it's shame as well that makes me avoid many things
I really needed this video right now after a pretty big mistake that changed my life for better and worse, all at once.
You've explained the nuances between shame and guilt quite beautifully. Thank you for helping me and many others understand themselves better.
Also: "You are not irreparable."
Absolutely my favorite part. Concise and what I needed to hear. Thank you.
could not have framed it better! I feel like shame is such a huge part of self sabotage for me and to hear this logic be put into words is so helpful and comforting
I wish I found this video before. What I have been feeling is not just guilt, but majorly shame. I have a better idea about what I should do now. Thank you so much for this!!
Battling with BPD, this is very helpful. I tend to take responsibility for my actions and try to mend but its hard for me to let go at times
Same, I tend to keep podcasts or TH-cam videos playing at all times to keep myself from having too much silence for my thoughts
Yup
I'm right now in a shame spiral and I felt like it would eat me up. I fucked up something, it's not necessarily a big fuck up, but I am extremely embarrased and feel very vulnerable. I can also be really hard on myself but I keep myself in the dirt of shame and self-sabotage. I understand that i'm not a bad person, I've only fucked up, thinking I could get away with things and that I was invincible and these things would never catch up to me. Ultimately I understand I was wrong and I fucked up a lot.
So I had to look up how to navigate my pain and shame because years of my life have been spent in shame and self-hate and being 24, I'm tired and done with that. I want to be able to breathe again, to look at my fuck up as a learning curve and not a secret I need to protect at all costs. I need to understand and learn how to get better because life choices are always a two way street and you can choose anything but never stop growing to love yourself and be kind to your self.
This video gave me clarity in that context, never knew guilt and shame were two different concepts all together and they navigate your life differently.
Life sucks, shit happens and cetain moments can shape you and you cannot not stop growing and learn more about your complex emotions. I'm no one to give advice here but open your heart, you may love to soak in the moonlight but the sun will always come and you have to bare your insecurities in the light where everyone can see. Your actions have consequences and you need to own up to them.
As the Buddha said ' When the student is ready , the teacher will appear. ' I am experiencing this right now.
Thank you so much for teaching me this difference at the right time . I really needed this .
This is great. An example of shame guilt from a childs perspective would be helpful to us parents. I want to make sure I don't push shame/guilt on them... and equally have them not put the shame guilt on themselves. That could create a lifetime of counseling!
Never say, what's wrong with you. Never mess with the child's emotions. Never act like they hurt you. Never tell them they can't do it. Never put them down for not being able to do something. Never play head games. Don't stay married to a man or woman who is nuts
@@deboraholiver3716 "Don't stay marrie ti a man or woman who is nuts"... This! Well said!
this is the theme of my life, I AM going to therapy , I am learning , I found out I am doing a lot of things RIGHT , and I have seen from this video some of the things I struggle with , this video is PRICELESS , thank you and God bless you !
Thanks Rich!
riddle me this, what if we didn’t realize that we are a terrible person until years after it started. now everyone affected will only remember me in that context. i’ll forever be a villain. a horrible person. a bad person. even though i didn’t know then i’m helpless now. what’s the point of living when you are tainted and ruined and failing
Because you changed and all future relationships will be different. Now you're a better person and future people will see that.
I'm in the same situation, you aren't alone.
@@Angelnumber0000 yeah, seriously it’s awful 😔
Its so hard to separate yourself from the abusive people from your childhood and then remind yourself of them with your behavior. You recognize how wrong it was but it's all you knew for so long. It's so so hard to break that cycle and struggle with your self worth and identity.
My mother is getting up there in age, she is 81. She got confused, forgetful about something. And I said "knock Knock hello anybody home" I feel so much shame and guild for saying this. I so wish I could take it back. I love my mother soooo much and just feel horrible for saying this. As I type this I am crying with guilt. I cant' get over it.
Such an important video. Thank you. I was afraid at first that you were going to make guilt sound like a function of the prefrontal cortex, perfectly rational, but you clarified your point. I just wanna say from experience (reiterating a few things you said) that guilt - even the constructive kind - can come with a lot of pain. If someone feels the crushing weight of this complex emotion, I don't want them to immediately mistake it for shame. Guilt might charge you with a task that seems impossible, like learning to overcome a bad habit. Your doubt of whether you're up to the task isn't the same as the "I can't do it" mentality of shame. The difference is subtle, but guilt drives you toward the terrible challenge with an even greater fear of how your life will degenerate if you choose the alternative. Shame embraces the alternative.
Yeah, guilt is a nuanced emotion- sometimes, if we channel it toward action it can be really helpful, and sometimes it's just an emotions, it may or may not be accurate or helpful.
“Self-righteous self-punishment”. Love love love it! 🔥🔥🔥🔥
We all make choices everyday, those choices are going to be habitual and unconscious… therefore if we can become aware of the old thought patterns, we can find a new way of thinking and start to program this new way of thinking through repetition… or doing the deep healing work to speed up the process… I always say do both 🙏🏽😁❤️
In my experience, one needs the deep healing work for any good habits to stick and actually create change and a better life.
I feel ashamed because of my drowning in fantasy and distance from reality. I do not like going out and seeing people at all. It really makes me miss opportunities and I feel a lack of confidence in myself. Thank you for this detail of this feeling.
This is a beautiful way of putting shame. Honestly this is the best way I’ve heard it being put, it’s so blunt and honest.
The thing I have found difficult with this is when attempting to pull myself out of shame, say with difficulties in a relationship but its almost like the other party isn't happy until you feel shamed. So as an example say you did the thing where you flirted with an ex and you got caught and you feel bad for it, you know you shouldn't have done it so you apologise. Fine, not expecting the other party to be all happy and loving life after that but an acceptance of it being a msitake and a willingess to move forward is needed. What I have had happen in the past is the other person just laying in to me, bringing whatever it is I did up at random times just basically trying to make me feel bad about it. And you do feel bad if you have done something wrong unless you are like a psycho or something.
I guess here you might have to put your foot down and say yes I fucked up and I apologised and now i'm trying to be better but I can't do this if you are just hyper focusing on this. At some point you have to let it go and be prepared to try and let yourself heal because otherwise you are now the one fucking up. At least thats how I feel anyway. Easier said than done though.
Sounds like a combination of the other person needing time to build up trust in you again and you learning how to not take on someone's elses continuing thoughts about you that you've dealt with.
Some things to consider- do you make your GF feel secure in the relationship the vast majority of time OR are so you lack vulnerability? Do you have a history of trustworthiness or dishonesty?
Your GF may have previous wounds from people who abandoned her and made her more sensitive to this type of behavior?
I feel that. My parents were like this, if I didn't show that I'm ashamed, it means I don't care. That led to spiraling into shame each time I do a mistake even a tiny one. What worked for me personally is forcing myself to act calm even when accusations are thrown on me.
this video is very helpful. recently i have been struggling with shame and as you said exactly i told myself it's not working and i am just a bad person and i have this feeling that i can't control it so i just do the same thing. living with this feeling was very tired for me in the last 3 months now i started taking some actions to stop myself of feeling this way i have that voice in my head keep telling me it's uncontrollable and it's a part of me. i liked what you said about values that it's something you can take action on the present moment.that gives me hope.
I am so happy I found this channel. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year now and I see progress, but I don't get to see her often enough. These videos can help a situation that is happening in the present, not waiting two weeks before I can ask my therapist. The advice is super helpful and has helped me identify certain behaviors. Thank you for putting this content out here for everyone to use.
Thank you! I am a new therapist, first year of practice. I recommend you videos to many of my clients or attempt to utilize the concepts. These have helped me address my anxiety, which has become increasingly problematic. I have been practicing the things from ‘reworking an anxious brain. Thank you! Love these!
This video helped alot i realised that not trying to fix my mistakes would only make it much worse and hurt the people i love more becouse i kept seeing my self turning into the thing i hated the most.
Thank you for posting this video.
this is a really great video, and I can see how when I've just felt shame it doesn't really serve anyone, it doesn't solve the problem, it doesn't really do anything except give a false impression (since I've acknowledged the "problem," that's enough). I can also recognize when I've felt guilt and have been able to apologize, make it right, learn from the behavior and move on. I hated the feeling of guilt because it did make me feel stupid or careless or thoughtless, but just being ashamed doesn't do anything. Acknowledging the times when I didn't know something or I wasn't careful enough or needed to put more thought into something doesn't make me stupid, careless or thoughtless, but tells me I have more work (and always will) in those things.
thank you!
some people do not actually do things "wrong" but feel this way anyway.
Suddenly the line in the song Crying in The Rain "Some day when my crying's done, I'm going to wear a smile and walk in the sun" has a new meaning.
I just want to say how your videos have been enlightening for me. I'm always amazed how you speak about anxiety so close from home for me and how It has been doing wonders for understanding myself. Thank you
I just love your approach to defining Guilt and Shame. I have never heard it put better and I have a Psychology degree, lol! My daughter struggles with perfectionism and she loves your video messages as well. It helps her to make sense of messages we sometimes tell ourselves and how to better address them. Thank you again for sharing your gift of simplifying complex issues and providing applicable mental health exercises for the world.
This is such a great video on the emotions of shame and guilt, and how to stop those feeling spiralling in the present moment.
Another video I'd love to see, because I think it's really important to differentiate, is when shame becomes engrained, mostly by abuse or trauma, and where someone has been made repeatedly to feel worthless until they believe it themselves. It's a different thing, and the last thing we would want is for someone whose taken abusive shame on board to feel, is shame that they're carrying trauma that hasn't been resolved yet. Shame is not people's fault, and it's not their choice, some types of abusers use the natrual healthy human instinct of guilt and shame that most people feel, to twist and elicit chronic shame and low self worth in the person they choose to abuse. That's on them. If anyone has been abused by a manipulative person like this, it's really important to understand that there is lots of research on how we can be manipulated and have shame evoked in us in purpose to degrade us by someone who wants to keep power over us. This kind of shame needs different treatment, and different support, than just changing your thinking or self-managing your stress and self talk.
yes! shame is such a massive part of trauma...I will add it to the list
@@TherapyinaNutshell Yes please. This could actually change my life. I resonated so deeply with just this simple video.
This is what I'm taking away from this video.
Shame is a way to avoid responsibility for things you feel guilty about, or facing things you are unhappy about with yourself. It promotes a fixed mindset.
Once again it seems like it comes back the "talking about your trolls brings them into the sunlight and makes them pop" or the St. George and facing your dragons.
Anything you avoid will grow.
Thank you for this video. I needed hear this.
I'm halfway through watching your playlist for dealing with anxiety and I realized that a lot of my avoidant habits involve shame, so I'm thankful for this vid that focuses specifically on a narrowed down list even though tips and ways to deal with it have been echoed throughout the playlist. it's a good reminder to always find something to work on!
If it's no trouble, I'd like to see a vid about lessening the habit of other blaming, I've been talking about your vids with my friends and I... and we noticed that in our shared experience of living in culturally collective environment we tend to other blame as a way to avoid processing our emotion/taking responsibility. Would like to hear your thoughts on this bad habit+tips on how to get better dealing with it. Thank you so much for what you do, it has helped me get through last year, and the first month of this one. can say the same for my friends who deeply appreciate how validating learning proper emotional processing from your vids has been :)
Great, so now I can shame myself for feeling shame as an mechanism for avoiding responsibility
I really appreciate your channel! It’s helped me so much to work on my self and this video especially has helped me a lot to get out of the shame spiral I was in .
Thank you so much for this timely video. 🥰 We definitely need more compassion towards ourselves. We could also apply the same steps towards others we shame. It's so easy to point the finger at ourselves and others, it feels good. Compassion may not be as easy as snapping your fingers, it's more like finding your way in the dark, but once you start, you do notice the shift. 😌🥰
Its really helpful..I often think i am a bad person bcz i felt jealous of others success,i got angry with my loved ones,i were not true to my frd in school days,i have inferiority complex,lack of confidence,always concern about what others think and what they tell and bcz of all that i felt ashamed of myself and my surroundings and my parents...but the truth is MY PARENTS ARE THE TRUE GEM,THEY ARE FARMERS,THEY HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FACE AND THE LOVELIEST HEART❤❤I LOVE THEM THE MOST 💛💛...the spiral of shame made me think i am a bad person who dont deserve good things....now i realise yea i did wrong,i have to correct myself and i will be better❤..i am not a bad person ..thanks🎉
In the 50’s, it was not at all unusual for an adult to tell a kid “you should be ASHAMED of YOURSELF!” 😢
"Shame dies in sunlight." I love this. Always dispensing the knowledges, Kati. You are deeply appreciated!
Thankyou for this. I am highly sensitive person, have IBS and sometimes drink too much alcohol. I know my use of alcohol is the big issue here as when I drink I can get lonely and get upset with people when they are too busy to talk to me and send impatient texts. Then feel guilty the next day. Also alcohol does make me call people who do not genuinely care for me so I shouldn't be having anything to do with them anyway. Please pray for me on my journey dealing with alcohol addiction. Very hopeful for dry February ❤❤
Such a Wise advice! 🌟 So liberating for anyone going thru it. I hope the best for this lovely people. 💖
This may sound cliche but you have been an angel for me, learn a lot from you. Thanks.
She came to me in the sleeping hours
And she sang to me in the moonlight:
"Where did you dance when you baffled our chance,
And when did the motley bells chime?"
I summoned a verse from a chorus of blame,
But it drowned in the ghost of her song.
He came to me in the sleeping hours
And he called to me in the moonlight:
"Why does the fold now weep to behold,
And how does it feel to be free?"
I tendered the words from the tears of the same,
But they dried as the dawn came upon.
They came to me in the sleeping hours
And they whispered to me in the moonlight:
"What did you reap when you floated the keep,
And whom did you trust with the key?"
I buried my head in a cushion of shame -
And I woke to find them all gone.
This video is short but life-changing! Sometimes saying things out loud makes perspective clears, but I’ve just been holding it in & looking for distraction so I don’t have to deal with it. The only way is through. Thank you so much!!!
I feel as if I partially relate. I don't feel like my shame causes me to keep being bad. I'm 18 and my entire life my mom has abused me, calling me inherently evil. Every little tone shift and unintentional body language she saw as evil, and she said I am abusing her when I was a child. She's repeatedly said she will kill herself because of me because I was crying at her yelling. This continued into really toxic friendships, where any small insensitive joke I made proved I was bad.
So I guess I learned that I am inherently a bad person, and I accidentally hurt people, without trying and just by existing. This makes it so when I do genuinely mess up, I freak out and shut down instead of responding well, which further "proves" how bad I am. It also feels like I am constantly making up for my badness by giving too much of my myself and accepting less-- as a way of safety and security. If I'm giving so much, then I must not be as bad, right? But if the other person gives more to me its therefore evidence on how inconsiderate I am, how selfish, and how I'm apparently manipulating them. I know with fact checking all of this is bullshit, but the inherent feeling is still there yk?
How do you work with that to heal? It's all so complicated to me
The last part especially
I cannot believe how timely this was tonight. Lost it at work today and guilt made me apologise. We as a team moved on.
I went through a difficult period with my mental health (depression and anxiety) and my partner supported me SO much. During that time I know I hurt her a lot emotionally. I have apologised many times and have tried to be a better person. Since I recovered, I know I am a better person. I know my partner loves me but I know I did a lot of damage to her. I doubt I'll ever really be able to make up for it. I feel so guilty and wish I coud make things right. Selfishly, I know I want to make myself feel better.
this blew my mind. Thank you. I was decieving myself.
This was an awesome video. My question is how do you handle guilt of past mistakes from when you were younger, or years back. Perhaps lies you’ve told, or past relationships. I have issues with always bringing up these memories of doing wrong, and giving myself guilt and shame which causes my anxiety to hit me hard. Any advice or tips are greatly appreciated!
One thing I heard along the way that has helped: “Forgive the mistake, but remember the lesson.”.
Best wishes.
I've been doing this , and it's killing me , I've been avoiding teachers, family, friends, for not studying properly or having aspirations or doing chores, I don't do anything anymore, all I can do now is attend classes, and hearing instead of listening , I just completely hate myself now..
A very useful distinction between shame and guilt that gives us direction for healthy action. Thank you.
My friend led me to believe that someone liked me and was afraid to reach out, so I took the risk and made the biggest fool out of myself. I cannot believe this.
It's not a big deal. It's just living .....
It should not have happened and I am ashamed .
Thank you so much, I have been feeling shame for a long time and am only now beginning to face it
Needed this. I messed up in dating recently and this is a reminder that i can do and get better. Thanks
I love your perspective. I’ve heard so many times that shame is not my fault but I’ve never heard the part after. That shame is easier that facing the responibility of guilt. Ownership over things is scarier than being frozen, so we give in. I needed to hear that today!
Emma I love you. Thanks for the insight, I have been struggling with shame and guilt, guilt and shame for decades, by not allowing me to see my shame from a different perspective.
I am a Capricorn also know as the slow thinking star sign, so slow that I needed your video to realise that shame, serve no purpose for growth.
You are right! Guilt and taking responsibility is so much more work than Shame and self-flagellation. I value responsibility yet i avoid it through Shame and self-punishment. It doesnt solve anything yet it prolongs the suffering, by avoiding the problems.
As a parent of 4 young kids. I'm constantly in shame and negative guilt.
I admire you, I can’t say that enough that your videos are so, clear, well explained, well pinpointed so so helpful. Thank you, I appreciate 💓🌸💓
Even more videos that expound and elaborate on this topic would be welcome. Thank you for your work, Emma.
Really was helpful I have been feeling shameful for having fun with my new free time after having to drop two of my college classes
Greetings to all viewers.I would just like to say I appreciate this channel so mush !
It is so important to have people around you that encourage you.
A value is a direction and not an outcome…I love that.
I'm still struggling since my mother passed during the pandemic and I couldn't be with her she passed alone something I can never recover my from I wasn't even aloud to attend her funeral I promised my mum she wouldn't pass away alone I can't imagine what it must have been like for her I'm sad to the core 😭🙏this video has helped me realise it was out of my control at the time 😪
Ok today I just learned about this shame spiral, wow who knew I was doing this so much, it always just felt like a character flaw , this “brokenness “ but it’s such a relief to hear that shaming is a lie
Thank you for sharing your amazing videos, they have helped me a lot to exercise many different ways to help me with my anxiety. Blessings to you Emma for releasing this videos.💕
I thought a "shame spiral" was when you make one mistake, but then you start listing every other mistake you have ever made. When I get in this situation, I stop myself and ask, "What am I going to do starting now?" That helps me.
Great video! It has truly helped me understand my feelings of guilt and shame, and gave it meaning as to why I do, and felt this way for a very long time.....Thank you Emma. God bless!
My mother didn’t want anything to do with me because of the person I married. I can’t blame her considering who he was. She passed away and I made a grave site amends. I’ve realized that ADHD, set me up for an eating disorder, 30 years of bulimia, body dysmorphia, alcohol and drug abuse. Then Love addiction and Codependency growing up with alcohol. I’m shame based and I have a problem with the concept of making amends to dysfunctional family members who already see me as a scape goat. The shame makes me angry instead of saying I’m sorry. I’m clean and sober now. My ADHD results in emotional dis regulation which hurt my family relationships. I didn’t know the extent of ADHD till 70 when I got diagnosed and educated. It’s devastating.
Congratulations! I've seen a ton of your videos, and this one is probably your best and most important one to date (but I might be biased of course 😅). Learning to identify the feelings of shame and guilt, and the difference between them was a big turning point for me. You filled in the gaps for things I didn't think about in that process, but you are right; shame is a form of avoidance - but it's also damn hard to fight. This sounds weird, but guilt feels so much better and is so much more actionable. It makes me feel like I'm in control - versus shame, where I only feel helpless.
I'm ashamed to be me and have been for 15 years. I'm a useless person with no value and nothing to give anyone. Of course I can change and I'm trying now, but starting from zero is fuckin hard
man i feel so much lighter❤ thank you!
I am a quiet person, especially now that I am a fulltime student and got so many things to accomplish, I'd rather stay in my bedroom and finish all my work. But, my uncle told me he didn't expect that I'm cold person and indirectly told me that I have a bad character and a bad person. That is bcos of lack of communication. Now, I cant sleep and think properly. I just want to disappear. I lived with him for 4 months and his words are really hurtful.
Thank you so much for this video. All of this is exactly what I've been trying to express and understand from a while and you posted this video at such a perfect time. I've been internalising my shame from a while now and this really brought it out for me and kept it in the sunlight hehe
Glad it was helpful!
I really needed this today, thank you so much for your amazing content 🙏🏾❤️
I am grateful for this content and I find the tone of your speaking voice and accent very soothing and appealing. I could go to sleep peacefully listening to you narrate a good story or lecture...and I do not mean in any way your voice and content are unstimulating.
You’re the best. I was looking for words to describe this feeling..thank you
According to this video, I am shame, then guilt, and change, but fails sometimes… then shame and guilt and change once again.