Raised Child Non Binary 2 Years Now What?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 พ.ย. 2024
- For over two years, since Ilya was in utero, we have been using non-binary “they/them” pronouns when we refer to Ilya, our nearly 2-year-old child. We feel that we have completed what we set out to do in not gendering Ilya, offering them a chance to just be a baby and just be Ilya, without creating some idea of who they are or what they will be like based on their biological sex. Ilya has a penis. Maybe you watched the birth video, or maybe this is news to you. We love Ilya’s body and we love celebrating Ilya as a boy, in addition to celebrating Ilya as a human. Watch this video to hear why we have begun sharing that Ilya is a boy and using he/him pronouns (in addition to they/them).
BECOME A MEMBER: conorbrittany.com
Learn, Grow, Heal, Inspire! Come join us on our membership site and get instant access to over 100 exclusive videos, exercises for personal growth, deep discounts, galleries, and more.
INSTAGRAM: / conorandbrittany
WEBSITE: conorandbritta...
OUR PREGNANCY AND BIRTH Q&A and RESOURCES: conorandbritta...
BRITT'S PREGNANCY PODCAST:
itunes.apple.c...
COACHING
conorandbrittan...
FACEBOOK FAN PAGE: / conorandbrittany
FACEBOOK "AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP" COMMUNITY: / inspiringauthenticrela...
CHECK OUT OUR OTHER TH-cam CHANNELS
Relationships, Sex Positivity, Polyamory: / @conorandbrittany
Brittany's Channel: / sophiefire13
Conor's Channel: / @conormcmillen
I feel like the logic here is "let's not call him a boy, in case he grows up and decides he feels feminine and wants to wear dresses and relates more to females". But why not just call him a boy, and tell him that it's ok for boys to feel feminine and wear dresses and relate to females more?
By not calling him a boy, you're further reinforcing negative stereotypes that people sometimes associate with males. You're saying, I can't call you a boy, because that's putting you in a box. Why not teach him that he can be a boy and he can smash the box? He can step outside of the box? And still be a boy?
It also sounds like Britney repeatedly reduces boyhood to just "having a penis". It's a lot more than just that. Biology and gender do interact. His experience as a boy / man cannot be reduced to just him having a penis.
I really love how you guys always come from "this is how i feel about this right now" and you are always open to changing that.
The mind of a child
I’m stuck on 2 years. How is Ilya 2?! It doesn’t feel like it’s been 2 years since Brittany gave birth! I can’t believe it.
I literally remember their pregnancy vlogs as if it was a month ago... wow!
"we can celebrate them being a boy, but they aren't stuck there"
That is so awesome. Its how I want so much of my parenting to be. "let's celebrate and roll with this but we can change it if that feels good, too"
🙌
My favorite thing about this is the main focus on one not being better than the other. Including they not being better than one gender or the other. The main thing of importance for Ilya is to talk to Ilya and help them understand the world.
The thing about understanding the world is to put yourself in the place of a young child. They do not have the complexity of thought to understand non-binary philosophy. They are much more black and white. So in trying to help children make sense of things, I think we cannot stay in our own adult mind but must view the world from their lens. And it's a lot more binary in all aspects. Little by little we can show that not everyone is the same, but to impose it too early can be hard for them to grasp certain concepts. If a child is being taught about body parts and you mention prostheses, that might be confusing to them. No need to get into ALL the variants right off the bat.
I love this conversation. We do use pronouns such as he and him when referring to our child but we try not to force constructs on him. He chooses his own toys and clothes without any pressure from us. We all have our own lawn chairs and his is hot pink because that’s the one he wanted. If you ask him his favorite color he will tell you it’s purple. He has a baby doll that he carries around but he also loves trucks. We don’t put him in dresses because I wouldn’t put him in a dress if he was a girl either. I prefer my child no matter the gender to be in clothing they can sit how they want without their underwear or diaper showing and they can climb trees and be free. But he wears his hair in hair ties and clips because he likes to. He knows all of his body parts and what they mean. He knows he’s human. That’s all that matters to us.
Smiles, I love this. What a beautiful, non-judgmental family to grow up in xx
I love this. My child is a boy and he also loves colors, clothes, toys, cartoons, that are associated with girls. I love that he does what he likes however I am a bit concerned about the reaction of other kids. He loves dresses...but I didn't let him wear a dress to school once, for example. And since then, he never wanted to wear a dress again. I didnt want him to feel like there was something wrong with him wearing a dress, but I guess he picked it up from the fact that I discouraged him from taking the dress to school... it makes me feel a bit sad. I would love that he could wear dresses everyday if thats what he felt like doing. What would you do in this situation? Thank you.
I. LOVE. THIS. 😁🖤
I think you guys always exhibit the idea of free will for all people and I appreciate that.
Huh. Really haven't crossed this bridge yet. My oldest is 5 and I've always used she/her for her, but she recently told us that she is a tiger. So we just refer to her as "the tiger" now. It really isn't that deep for us right now🤣
this is amazing
I worked with a child who announced very adamantly that she is a boy around age 4. The other 2 boys and the sister in the house had long hair but eventually all the boys got a hair cut and there was a name change to something VERY similar but masculine. Now it’s been a few years and it seems that he has now swung back a bit towards being she. The mother just got married and the biological girls wore dresses in the wedding, the biological boys wore suits. The child (I don’t know what pronouns are preferred at the moment) goes by a nickname that leans masculine but could be used as a nickname for the male and female names. I wish I was still close with the family because I’m so curious about the child’s journey but our contact is mostly on social media and I don’t want to ask about the child’s personal story in such a public arena. I suspect the child will swing back and forth between masculine and feminine and settle with non-binary in the end
I'm sure this means SO much to her!
I love this! How different the world would be if we were accepted as we are. ❤️
I recall that I started referring to myself by another name in kindergarten and I don’t recall any pushback. If only all children had the same experience. What’s the harm anyway?
I’ve never really realized it before but I don’t think I’ve really ever referred to my baby by their sex. I always say the the baby or her name, no reason to me to actually refer to her with a pronoun. People call her he/him often and I’ve never corrected them either. I think the point you made about them just “being a baby” makes soooo much sense! Because really, what place does gender have in infancy?
Agreed. Once a parent told their baby to go play with the little boy (Our daughter) and I didn't correct him. When he noticed she probably wasn't a boy he was defensive, saying that whitout earrings It's hard to tell. I told them it was ok. It's a baby.
I love how you guys did this. I hated the gender stereotypes imposed on my kids when they were little babies. I’d do it the same as you guys in the future.
Love how you are unapologetic about your evolution. As humans we so often get stuck in a particular track (that notion that you somehow have to lie in the bed you made) when actually it's perfectly okay, and healthy to change and learn and evolve into new ways of thinking. That's how we become better humans. So much pain in the world that could be resolved if people were just open to change and stopped doing things just because they've always done them that way. Awesome video. As always. Much peace. 🥰
Beautifully said! xoxo
I have been on this earth for 60 years and the girl/boy debate or thought process has softened but still not quite gone. I am glad we are opening up more and more
I worry more about all of us being kind humans
Sending you both much love
Keep well
This is a really cool conversation. When you guys first posted about having a baby and used them/they pronouns, I kinda rolled my eyes at it. It felt excessive and I assumed it was entirely about gender. Now that I'm pregnant and buying things to prepare for my own baby, I'm annoyed on a daily basis about how gendered baby clothing is. Yes, I know what gender I'm having and everyone is enjoying buying fun clothing for that gender... but then if the next baby is a different gender I'll have to go buy a whole new baby wardrobe despite having boxes of clothing still in good condition. Why is all baby stuff just about pink princesses and unicorns OR construction trucks and dinosaurs?!? It's so stressful to deal with.
So this conversation about just allowing your child to be a baby and develop without being placed in any roles by toys or clothes or stereotypes... that resonated in a really good way. I'm hoping you guys check back in on this topic every so often and update/re-evaluate how this is going and how you feel about it.
I have a boy and found some really comfortable summer jumpsuits that were very girly but, I still bought them and let him wear (he was only 6 months). I had just one boy asking me if he is a girl and I just said yes :). Also, his bathtub was pink because I could not find the exact model I wanted in another color. Things worked out fine:) But, I do feel a bigger pressure now to buy him nicer clothes (not just comfortable) and follow what other moms are doing because I don’t like being considered a bad mom...and this is making me sad.
Thanks for sharing this reflection, Allison! We hope to keep sharing updates on the topic as it evolves
Oh, man I feel you. I decided some things are gender neutral. Cars, dinosaurs, animals, flowers..pretty neutral. Also basically all plain colors except hot Pink. I don't like the look of disney prints and unicorns so I steered clear from those, and of course gendered prints (troublemaker, heart breaker, little princess etc..)
Oh so true and especially 24 year's ago when I had my child. All baby boy clothes had sports or hunting (!!) motifs and I was so frustrated. I didnt want the pastel 'gender' neutral yellows or greens that were the only choice back then either. I'm glad that there are more choices today. Ironically my (adult) child is gender-fluid and I'm totally okay with that.
We buy the brand Brave Little Ones. Great pieces that are nice natural colors with minimalistic prints that are of course not gender specific.
I have a daughter and a son and the thought I want to share is, calling them boy and girl, male and female or anything else seems completely unrelated to what other people call or see them as. I really think it comes down to how the parents model the freedom of expression not tied to gender. I will say my son is absolutely more rough and tumble
and hits WAY more (more physical in general) than my daughter. She hit one time as a toddler and he used physicality a lot to share how he is feeling and then we work it out with words of course. my whole point is, saying male or female is unrelated to personality and natural expressions.
Also. It’s so beautiful how you guys flow, how you just move through each moment openly and do what feels good regardless of anything other than truth and authenticity
I raised my daughters (I have all girls) with very little gender influence. They are all very different and have different interests and ways of expressing themselves. It is cool to know they like things because they actually like them rather than wonder if I pushed something on them
My concern is age appropriateness during a stage of his life when he needs things defined. Developmental psychologists refer to stages of development -- how can he trust what you taught if everything is ok all the time. See, first you need to have an identity before you can add in flexibility. So I completely disagree with parenting a baby for they/them in lieu of he/him.
💯
They talked about all of this in the video.
And how they go through that stuff when it comes up
I love how open and adaptable you guys are. You don’t let ego get in the way of how you think and act, which allows you to shift and evolve as it feels right for you.
Ilya is one lucky little person to have you as care givers !
I like the idea of not correcting anyone, it feels wonderfully fluid. Ilya can start the correction when/if they feel like it
Y’all’s ability to adapt and change is so inspiring to watch. I struggle so much with I deny myself with something and when the time comes it’s hard to let go. Thank you for the endless love you pour out into the universe
YES! Thank you for seeing us! That feels so good!
It would be interesting for you to react to some old videos and talk about how your views have possibly changed. Or if they are the same.
Fun idea!
@@conorandbrittanylifestylef5094 I would love that. We all grow through the years and change. It would be so cool to see how you feel about the your journey. We can never get to the "here", withouth having been to the "there" in my opinion.I would personally have done just about everything differently.Especially where my life choices hurt people without my meaning to. I can only move forward and try to do better.
I’m so so happy to hear this message. I’ve enjoyed being around Ilya over the past couple years and watching them play soccer and explore nature on the hill. You all are wonderful people and friends! Hope to see you soon.
I knew it you guys are so open! I have been one of those that has been referring to Ilya by his natal sex and you guys have never shown displeasure towards it, which is so cool. Conor’s happiness at being able to connect as a male with his son is so sweet. Open communication is so important.
Amen to the typecasting of babies at an early age. My baby girl is tall, and every family member says “She’s gonna be a basketball player!” And it’s fine if she does, but it will be her decision to play, not because that’s what everyone else says!
Ugh. When ours was a little baby, every day grandma would come up with "she's gonna be a dancer!" "Professional equestrian!" "Model!" "Artist!" (Basically everything She herself tried to be in Youth) and It really Made me cringe. I didn't want that Pressure on a baby!! But I learned to let go, and now she pretty much never does it anymore.
This feels and seems like so much of a natural progression. Allowing Ilya the time and space to grow into his own and emulate his own true, authentic way of being feels like a most healthy and freeing articulation of personal self growth, as a young child. Especially as a young child. I feel like if everyone were given so much free space as a child, to feel out where we belong, we’d have so much less conflict within ourselves to feel any need to conform and measure up to certain expectations. I love this for Ilya. What a blessing to be free of expectation and be able to wander the world perfectly content just being you.
Brittany, I loved your comment about being female and redefining what that means ALONG WITH having differences in gender identity. I spent 35 years in that first category, being female, and feeling very uncomfortable being called a "girl" sometimes. And as new gender expressions began to be talked about I realized one or two non binary identities fit me very well, and helped me to explore my own identity and expression. And I think it's important to be fluid and move between words and definitions that allow us the best opportunity to explore who are.
Congratulations on your own journey with Ilya and your relationship to their gender. I'm so inspired to see you stay so flexible and change with what feels right. Love you guys, as always. 💕
It's so refreshing to listen to people who are non-judgemental and open minded. It opens the door for me to be/do the same. Even if I disagree or don't share the same ideas, the topics makes me think as they are presented in such an intelligent and accepting way. Thank you.
I used to feel children where “gender less” however after having my son and daughter 13 months apart, they both are raised the same and play with the same toys but there are dramatic personality differences and seemingly stereotypical differences.. my daughter loves cars as much as my son loves pink things and princess toys, but I don’t let girl or boy male or female put them
In a box or have gender expectations..it’s been very interesting. Exactly like you said it’s so important to expand your idea of females and males.
Stereotype is so powerful. My niece was flooded with all things pink... it soon became apparent she was drawn to the few blue things around her... the suspicion that she might identify with something other than female was subtle but present in some people. The real reason she was reaching for the blue things was because her world was a monotony of pink and blue was different. People really do project onto kids. I think the whole raising non binary kids is fantastic but I'd really like to see us create non-binary pronouns that don't make a child sound like a multiple. Thanks for sharing your journey. Always a joy to watch your vids.
Children are children pronouns are not something a child even thinks about.
I consider it confusing to a child and making them see themselves as sexual being by identifying instead letting them realize it in their own time and not forcing pronouns.
I don't understand why accepting what God made the child to be until he realizes his truth is pushing your life view on a child.
Celebrate childhood let him play and find himself in his own time.
The conversation is premature with a child.
In development children always are trying to be comfortable in their body in each stage of growth.
I would love to hear your son give his take 18 yrs from now and see the affect and how he felt about his identity being fluid.
I feel as though society is oversexualizing children making them focus on adult issues way before it should be considered appropriate.
Children don't think about their sex or who has what or who has sex . They want to play and make friends and experience joy and connection with other people sex or self identification at his age is not a thing.
I have to say I think it's a choice in raising a child that I can't get behind.
You seem well intentioned and loving people but in my view let him identify as a child let him learn to be himself without a label.
Kids only get to be kids once ya know.
Totally makes sense
I think these gender reveal parties are way to much why? Its a baby who cares boy or girl enjoy your baby watching them grow up and enjoy them exploring the world
I think this is a really good conversation. I am almost 60 and a bi female who is married to a man. When this whole they/their thing started, I was really confused as an older person. Of course in my day, being bi, gay, trans or whatever one was, was not really spoken about so I am so happy that we have come so far and people are allowed to be who they feel that they are meant to be or want to be.I have run into a few people (one named Pat) and was so busy trying to figure out if they were a male or a female, that I didn't really concentrate on who they were as a person. If they said they were either, I think that I could have stopped wondering and focused on them, just as a person, without that question being in my mind. I have wondered for the past few years what your baby was, because their name is also kind of ambiguous(and beautiful), but now that I know that he is a boy, I don't have to even have it cross my mind and I can just concentrate on what an amazing child he is. It comes as a relief to an old person like me for some reason. I think it is great that you did it for a while though, so he can choose what he likes to wear, how he likes to play and move through this World. My son loved to wear my heels when he was a little boy, and I though that was just fine, although 40 years ago,that was considered shocking.My younger friend's son likes to dress like a Princess, and I think it is a good thing for a child to develop the way that they want to. I love the way you all love each other and Parent your beautiful baby.
I just wanted to encourage you both about the approach you are taking - even though I was brought up with She/Her pronouns, because my mom always raised me with no expectations essentially I was raised non-binary. I always had around 50/50 male:female groups of friends and fluid expressions of my gender relatively irrespective of who I was with. My mom always supported me and encouraged me with my broad-spectrum interests and expressions and let me know that while in some cases there might be physical biological differences that affect how we engage with things, I was always rightfully entitled to do whatever I want: as a female in primary school I asserted my position onto an all-male cricket team (not much physical difference at that age) and in high school I petitioned for female basketball which we did not have previously available. I use those as examples not necessarily of contradicting gender expectations but of the sense of self-empowerment about what I wanted to do and that it was ‘the system’ that needed changing if they didn’t allow me to do so.
I am in my late 20s and only a few years ago did I really engage with term non-binary. With my upbringing I had taken for granted that my body’s sex should not interfere with my expression etc., so it took me an in-depth discussion to realise the gendered constructs at play for people who didn’t identify as trans but non-binary, and that this actually related to me as a fluid person who just didn’t recognise the terminology, largely because I hadn’t needed it.
Essentially, I am confident Ilya will continue to know this liberation as you reaffirm to them that free expression and authenticity within the world is their birthright.
I've really enjoyed listening to you both as you've shared the evolution of your decisions regarding Ilya and their pronouns. I'm a teacher and your conversations about this have really impacted my thinking patterns personally as well as professionally. Watching your videos has really made me begin to use non-binary language when talking about strangers. I also commend you both for sharing the twists, turns and growth that you have been flowing through as a couple and now parents. Have a nice day!
What inspires me beyond belief is you two living your authenticity more than anyone I’ve truly ever met, known, or connected with online or in my waking life.
HELL YES HELL YES HELL YES over and over again for you both.
To be so beautifully and healthily unattached to certain practices, ideas, concepts, even values, that there is room for this is so unbelievably, so incredibly inspiring. It’s living, waking, breathing, authenticity and unconditional love in practice and that is what life is all about for me.
Thank you thank you thank you both (and Ilya🥰) for modeling unconditional love, healthy attachment, healthy detachment, and for being such a beautiful inspiration for all of us who love you.
I love you Conor! I love you Brittany! You are amazing to me and I will forever be in awe of who you are🤍
Thank you Emily!! Smiling ear to ear :D
I love this! Britt, you hit *right* on exactly how I feel. I've never struggled with gender identity. I'm older and certain "labels" if you will, were fine with me; I actually embrace them in large part --- _woman_ _lesbian_ _androgynous_ . Certain words or labels came to the surface and felt right on me. But when I think of the issue of gender identity, I absolutely *love* being a woman, identifying as a woman; Being and identifying a woman means a great deal to me. But my environment *will never* define that. I am a woman and *I decide* what that means to me and for me.
Ilya has a world of expression and identity available to them... thanks to you both. This is one of the many gifts you are giving them. Ilya will perfectly well understand their biological sex and will also understand the beautiful fluidity of gender. How incredible. How spectacular that Ilya is now coming into a time when he and his father can celebrate their maleness together. And Ilya has this amazing father who is capable of teaching them that *they* decide what that maleness means *to them*. I think this is the gender lesson I wish more parents were willing to take on with their children. ~~~ Sending lots of love
Thanks for sharing this beautiful reflection, Megan
Awesome. Just let them be a baby is beautiful.
Hard day where we lost someone beloved, I saved your video to be able to absorb and process. I felt every bit of love, openness and absolute authentic peace with which it felt you delivered it. Thank you as always for the reminder to love yourself and your choices in the moment. To be open to growth and expansion and ever changing feelings of what resonates in the here and now. You are all such a wondrous gift to the world, a cherished group of individuals (including wee ilya) profoundly touching lives when you least expect it. And the touch is always recieved in absolute Love. Thank you.
Sending lots of love Kate
I love you both! It feels so good being in your digital presence. I’m reminded that we can do hard things in a way that’s always full of love. Thank you for all you share.
Love that!
2 things come to my mind...
1 Just how respectful you are of each other and that you allow the space for each other to express your thinking and views. It is a pleasure to watch you guys do that.
2 I love that you made the point that things, circumstances, and thoughts change! Thoughts etc are fluid and I think Illya has 2 fabulous parents that are focused on their/his well being!!
Love this! I think the best thing for sure is to help your kids understand that just because they are a boy or a girl doesn’t mean they have to act a certain way or like certain things. My 5 yo used to say “I’m a boy”or “I want to be a boy” around age 2 and only liked typical “boy” things trucks and dinosaurs and more “boyish” clothes. I always supported all the ways she wanted to be but I never did say “you’re a boy” I just let her express it and now she is extremely “girly” and loves feminine clothes, toys etc. so it’s interesting for sure the phases they go through embracing themselves and their interests along the way-so they change a lot and embrace themselves I think you guys are doing great as long as you support your kids they will develop their own feelings, ideas and representations of themselves!
I am totally in awe and feeling soo amazed by these revelations. I’ve watched since you gave birth and explained the non binary aspect of developing. I was soo confused and I feel as though I’ve been hit by a giant lightning ⚡️ bolt. 😄 This is amazing...I totally understand everything and your reasoning now. Iilya was allowed to be their own individual and its a very beautiful and powerful thing. I was floored when you mentioned their sex because it truly didn’t matter and up to the minute you spoke it... it never was relevant... all I saw a baby learning and growing. Thank for sharing this awesome experience.
Thank you for sharing your experience being a part of this journey. We really appreciate the care and support
I'm 26 but... can you two adopt me??
Lol, you two are amazing parents and i just love how much focus you put on self-expression and doing what feels best for one's self ❤️ Much love!
:)
I mean - the minute you mentioned Ilya peeing in a mason jar it was obvious they had a penis. LOL. Connor's comment at 3:36 is powerful. Neutral pronouns are about protecting your kid from receiving and being influenced by stereotypes. I feel very strongly that the only thing that makes my kids male or female is their physical sex characteristics. And nothing about their sex determines anything about their life other than how their body will develop. Yes I know some people suffer gender dysphoria and we need to be aware and ready to support our kids if that happens but as parents we need to be hammering home that as boys/girls they can do/feel/dress/be/love/express whatever/whoever. That they are perfect just as they are. Thank you for sharing your family with us. It's wonderful to watch you two grow and change as parents as much as it's lovely watching Ilya grow.
I love how non-dogmatic you are. I've followed you for some years and though there is a lot of topics I don't agree with you on I find you very inspiring! I'm 4 month pregnant with my first child and we both agree on that finding out the sex beforehand isn't very important so we will probably let that be a surprise. Even though we will not use non binary pronouns when they arrive I still like the idea not knowing until then and not putting any emphasis on sex or gender and just looking forward to meet this little human.
Hey dear ones,
Thank you for sharing more about your perspectives. I completely resonate with that desire for freedom, to help Ilya be free and choose for themselves. It's very strange how quickly we judge and project our associations onto babies who clearly don't even have much personality developed. It's beautiful to hear how deeply you care about their wellbeing. I am however curious if you arr also aware and considering it to be a potential danger to their mental development to have a certain stability of identity through gender. Not choosing to gender is not neutral, it's a very strong choice also. I wonder how that might help or be an obstruction to a growing child, not to start understanding the connection between the principle that they embody (predominantly masculine in Ilya's case), not just physiologically, that reflects on all levels of the being. I wonder how they will build a consistent self image if they are receiving such confused feedback from the society around calling them different things. With big love for all of you ❤️
I’m celebrating for all of you! 💕💕💕
Thank you!!!!
Gosh I love your videos so much where you are just chatting about daily life and topics wich are important for you. You’re so open minded and that’s simply beautiful, thank you so much! It really makes me think a lot about random topics and inspires me. And it’s just so calming to see you appreciating one another so much. I just really love this 🥰 love you
You are so welcome! xoxo
Okay I know you guys don't usually respond to TH-cam comments but I work with young kids and lately I've been feeling uncomfortable with the fact that I always feel like I'm rushing them. It's mainly because of like "we have to get home in time for lunch and nap" (the times for these are set by their parents) I just want them to be able to have more time to dive into what interests them, especially in nature. Any comments/recommendations?
Oh we loove this question and the care that you have for how the kids may be feeling about these situations. For us, in times that we have to stick to schedule out in the world, communicating with Ilya about the transition that is happening has been soo helpful. If you haven't already watched this video, we think you'll really enjoy it! th-cam.com/video/paAY5bgePUc/w-d-xo.html&lc=UgzyYzk_l91ZZDi6WPF4AaABAg
@@conorandbrittanylifestylef5094 Thank you so much for responding! If I could request your response once more, do you ever bring meals out with you? If so, does that go smoothly?
I will watch the video, thanks again!! 💕💕
I have always felt that as a woman, I define what it means to be feminine to me. But people can be who they are and no judgement.
I totally understand this conversation. My wife and I (two female headed household) had a son 12 years ago.. When he was born we really tried not to overmasculine his existance putting him in gender neutral clothing and buying toys that allowed him to practice cooking, and playing with dolls along with typically " masculine" things. To be honest never DO WE gender sterotype children more than when they are born.Anway, this makes a lot more sense to me now and I think it can teach all of us a lot. Humans deserve more than to be forced to live in the box of what is acceptable or not acceptable for whatever we call them based on the sexual organs they are born with.
I'm pretty sure I've followed you guys from the beginning!! Crazy, it's interesting because I definitely have pretty typical Christian/Biblical views and you have always been so sweet and kind. A lot of people who have different views aren't always actually open 😅
My initial response was to kinda shirk away at this idea and I for sure still believe our biological bodies and design doctates more.
But I agree that there are lots of things that our culture (Christian included) has associated with gender/sex that ought not be.
Even looking at David in scripture, he danced. Jesus cried etc.
Anyways, I've prayed off n on for you guys and would love to see you begin a relationship with the Lord, and I will continue to pray for Ilia (sp?) too.
But I'll also continue to listen to videos when I get a minute ❤❤❤
Always keepin it real!
Really feel the love from both of you, thank you so much for expressing it.
Something I’ve been curious about is the label of “Big” sister/brother for my future bambinos and the role that could place on a child. Possibly placing big expectations and responsibilities on them too early, when I just want them to be a kid as long as possible.
I agree on that, the label big sister/brother can feel heavy most of the times... At least i did...
Every time I watch one of your videos, I feel like I’ve just gotten a big warm hug, and feel so warm inside. Thank you so much for showing your love so strongly that it reaches out through the internet.
Awww this means so much to us! We love you!
I knew Ilya was a boy! I understand why you applied a non-binary upbringing to them. I like that you are changing and allow yourselves to; people's beliefs and thoughts and feelings change. I now can say what I always felt that I could not say because I did not think it would be received; that for me, whatever one's genitalia is, they are; HOWEVER, one can express themselves, however, the hell they want-my truth. Maybe I'm old-school, and I've also been around people that were transgender in 1978 and got an operation for a sex change back then before gender and identity, etc., was so pervasive, so this is not a new topic or idea for me. I don't feel one can choose their gender unless, of course, they genuinely have gender dysmorphia, but I do think anyone can express themselves, however, the hell they want. I think for me and many that we think, or I think sometimes that I have to keep to all my thoughts/beliefs/etc. that identify me, when in fact, I need to shed some of that for my happiness (not gender stuff, other things) and this video reminds me that it's okay to do.
As the mother of a trans nonbinary child I love how much you honour Ilya in this.
My brother just had a baby and they’re using they/them so seeing your journey being two years ahead of them is so helpful !
You two brought my awareness to pronoun usage and the bias involved with them. Thanks for that!
The bias is with sex stereotypes. Not with pronouns. You could still be biased with someone because of their sex even if you call them they. Sex is visible and real. The stereotypes we have around it are the problems, not the acceptance of it. Calling your child non-binary doesn't desex him, but it actually reinforce sex stereotypes, saying we have to call you something different for you to be free, you can't be a free boy. It implies that all the other people conforms to the boxes and are called he/she. When really we are all sexed being (man or woman) and free. We are all what people call ''non-binary'' personality wise, not biology wise, aka not limited by sex stereotypes. There are no behaviors, feelings, like-dislike that we have to have, associated with our sex. The real liberation is accepting who we are, our biology, and acting as we please and supporting our children in that.. Trying to hide your sex to be free supports the stereotypes.
So powerful!! I do appreciate you sharing your journey. I very much agreed with your decision to not gender your child at first, and now, the feeling of naturally following the draw to allow space for gender just so so resonated with me. Beautiful! ❤️
This is really really awesome to experience and hear...I've always been of the mind that choosing non binary language or gendered language is still going to have an impact on your child but I love how fluid you guys took this because I completely agree that I HATE gendered expectations and think it promotes so many toxic behaviors but dang it doesn't have to be all or nothing and I just really love this and love how intentionally you guys made Ilya feel free to express and be as authentically themselves as possible. This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing. ❤
I intimately remember my thoughts around gender as very a young child. I was raised female, still identify as such, but am extremely fluid and have definitely spent a lot of my life feeling adverse to "female" cultural prescriptions. I was always interested in animals above all else, that was my area of play (pretending to be one, playing with plastic toys, etc.), was not interested in sports and was not interested in dresses, shopping, makeup, princesses, etc. I did play with Barbies, but the main characters my sister and I created a world around were Tommy and Ken, hah! So even my play and passions landed somewhere non-gendered (though I'd often identify as a male dog, funnily enough LOL). Dressing up fancy was always so uncomfortable for me because it emphasized (and, I felt, imposed) an expected femininity that I did not identify with. Those gendered comments you spoke of in the video always made my stomach clench. Though my family were mostly accepting of my dressing in boy's clothing from a very young age, there was still this assumption and seeing of me as a culturally defined version of feminine that I felt so much anguish around.
Regarding biological sex, I remember being uncertain about the difference between males and females (only had a sister), and I really feel like you're doing a great thing for Ilya by not censoring that. I knew that boys had a penis, but I didn't really know what that meant. But I REALLY wished I had one -- not so I could be a boy, but so I COULD "not be a girl" (and not have those cultural assumptions pushed on me, and this was only at age 4 or 5!!). As I got older, that uncertainty and lack of familiarity with the difference between sexes grew to include sexual intimacy as well, and more so than curiosity, I just remember feeling so "uninformed" even into my early teens.
This is such a good video. My children haven’t been raised non binary but it really irks me when I hear the stereotypical assumptions about them. I just want them to be their best selves. What’s interesting is I’ve fought those concepts but as they get older I can see the strong differences. I have a boy and a girl. My daughter just gravitated so strongly to girlie things but she is confident enough to kick it back with her brother. She’s like a hybrid lol. My son is like a gentle giant so warm and empathetic and sweet. I never emphasized a role for either of them it just has been.
It’s so nice to watch your journey and growth as parents. My kids are all grown and it’s nice to relive what it’s like when they’re little. I’m back home recovering from Covid but my husband still in the hospital in the ICU, so this was a nice break from that and back to following your story. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone today!
Wishing you a quick recovery!
We raised our son with he him pronouns but did everything in our power to be gender neutral with him. He has a lot of male stereotypes... but also has tons of female and feminine stereotypes. He is perfect in every way.
When Brittany said ...."Its all welcomed"....
Ok side note did I miss something? Where’s bridgett ?
Itll most likely be the next year or two that Ilya will develop a sense of gender identity for themselves, how exciting! I work in a nursery and it's so interesting to see children's identity forming as they start to develop a sense of gender. With the freedom you guys are giving them, they will truly be able to express themselves which is so beautiful! I love your approach
love this! gender and pronouns is something that should just be "fun" not too serious
Love that!
I really love the way you two move through the world and navigate life, especially as parents. Thanks for sharing with us.
Such a lucky kiddo to have you two for guidance through this life ❤️
First I would like to thank the both of you for the creations you have put out. I have always been of the mindset that I will respect whoever the person is. I've never struggled to adapt my use of pronouns. However I cannot tell you how many times I became tongue-tied or tripped over my own words while implementing the use of pronouns such as they or them. Listening to the way you use pronouns for some reason opened my eyes and made it flow in a way it never did before. I also watched another one of your videos about consent and parenting. I was awestruck while I watched that. That video put into words every emotion I had and almost every thought and feeling while I was raising my children. So again I thank you so much for putting this information out there you're truly beautiful people.❤️
he is a boy though. how he feels about that is separate, isn’t it?
Great conversation! Your lifestyle is very different from my own personal life (I appreciate routine, things being done in similar ways, defining and sticking to personal goals, etc.), but I always appreciate seeing people do something different and live differently.
One thing that confused me somewhat here, though, is that there are a lot of references to what each of "you" individually feel is right/good for "you", and that you'll refer to Ilya by "whatever feels good for 'you'". I might be misinterpreting something here, but what about Ilya's wants/wishes? Would you then refer to Ilya as "whatever 'you' feel is good/right" regardless of considering Ilya's wishes on the matter?
Again, this might be my misinterpreting the situation, but I was just curious about it, as someone who has grown up as one "gender"/biological sex and since then transitioned to using different pronouns. From personal experience, I know that it can hurt if someone disregards my wishes to be referred to a certain way (even though it is a reflection of them not of me).
Hope you (and Ilya) are doing well, either way!
I love everything you’ve just said and love how connected I feel to the two of you. You both give off such a positive and loving vibe and I’m so grateful to be here with you two.
I have a very early childhood memory (probably like age 3 or 4) of me thinking I should have been born a boy. But really, the problem was that I didn’t like all the things that are forced into girl children (pink, princess, skirts, bikini bathing suits). At age 10 my mom finally allowed me to start buying clothes from the boy’s section. As a 24 year old, I have diverse interests. Pink clothes, men’s thrifted t-shirts, lol. Hopefully society continues to do better for children!
Love to hear about the evolution of ilyas pronouns. I have always thought maybe this is what i'll do when im a mum. Start gender neutral but let it unfold and go with that. Ilya is so lucky to have you both 🌺🌱
At first I'm not going to lie I did think it was a bit odd but that's because I didn't understand.
But what a wonderful gift to give you're child the freedom to truly be who they want to be, amazing
The part about recognizing differences in genitalia will be an interesting thing in my house and I’m quite curious to see how it plays out. I have almost 15 month old B/G twins who share a room and bath time. They’re already curious about what’s there on their own bodies but they haven’t noticed each other’s yet. They have noticed that mama has hair because mama can’t pee alone but otherwise they don’t seem to notice yet
I very much enjoy the concept of allowing yourself to change your mind. We really struggle with that as a society.
Ilya is adorable! im so glad you let ilya choose how they want to express themselves!
I love this bc with 3 kids I want them all to just be good humans and the rest they can chose along the way
It’s cool that you both see all of life as just a bunch of explorations. We can shift and change as a result of all that we explore. It’s all very cool. We can all just chill out and let life do it’s thing through each of us and simply flow with the river of life. 🙏🏼❤️🙂
I found the whole concept raising your child using non gender pronouns different but interesting, although it isn't something I did do or would do. However I love the thought of not placing or raising your kids in specific gender roles, clothes, colours, toys etc. I think it's great to have kids experience life the way it comes, and let them know they can be anything they want regardless of typical gender influence. My daughter for instance is a carpenter apprentice, which is a male dominated trade, however she really has not had anything but support from the males she is directly working with or other tradespeople she has come into contact with. She has discovered some unwanted attention though, some because she's female, and also to see if she actually works or keeps up to the guys she works with. I love how you both work through things, adapt and change, and bring interesting things into your video's, that although they may not be things I'd do totally, they have things/ concepts in them that I may use or try.
I just love that as things change you just roll with it and never ever push your own agenda for anything. I absolutely think that’s amazing and just living life as you want and how you want is the way to go. Doing what is good for you and what makes you happy is always a good thing.
I love the background in the videos!😄. I loved listening to you talking about this topic!
Very cool how you two decided to raise Ilya like this! I love it! I hope to use some of this w my future children.
Such an awesome vid, love the way you guys navigate change. You guys have been beautifully exemplifying going with the flow for years and its so awesome to witness where you’ve been and where y’all are now 🤍
He has been so male from the beginning, I knew he was a male
I have said it mamy times before and I will undoubtedly say it again, I LOVE YOU ALL! Ilya is so lucky to have the family they have!
The light hearted nature in which you guys approach this is how I wish it was presented in the media for people. It can be presented so aggressively sometimes and punitive and make people feel like they have to be on the defense when confronted with these concepts of pronouns and gender. I feel like collectively it would be much more accepted and not a big deal had the media not created using chosen pronouns to be this really harsh, unwavering commitment to shame and ridicule people who don’t understand or have no experience around it. Of course there are people are just not going to be open to it and there’s nothing you can do about it, but I think those people are actually much fewer than we think. Idk if that really makes sense at all
We appreciate you sharing this with us! It feels great to be seen in this way
We have raised our kiddo with gendered pronouns, as non binary was not a widely known thing 6 years ago. That said, we have always encouraged whatever his individual interests are and made a conscious effort to make sure that he is not limited by the expected standards of his gender in society. Sure he plays with trains, but he also has pink rainboots that he chose and has a baby doll takes on walks in a stroller. The world is his to explore and live how he is comfortable and as a result he is turning out to be such a interesting and diverse child. I dont often see many like him thats for sure!
My friend apologised for calling us guys at dance I’m like no it’s ok I’m happy to use that pronoun
I love this and I love everything that's underneath it
Thank you so much for showing representation in non-binary parenting!
Have they expressed themselves what gender they feel more connected to? Thanks for your videos! You are all beautiful people!
I love hearing the evolution of your lives and it almost always is extremely resonant for me! Thank you for being awesome humans and inspiring my “what to bring into parenthood” dream thought catalog. 🥰
You're so sweet!
I love how you two parent together and love your baby so much ! ❤
Thank you guys so much for sharing! It's soo interesting even though i don't have kids yet. Thanks for the reminder that everything can constantly change and flow. Lot's of love!
I appreciate you both to...lots of love and hugs...i love that we are all ever evolving and learning....and i love the fact that you are so inclusive of everyone...wherever they may be in life ❤ from Christchurch, New Zealand xo
Thank you so much!
Gendering babies is so silly. Whenever my son wears pink people gender him as she/her. Does not matter at all, but it is really really funny that people attach so much meaning to colors.