I've identified as an autist recently and disclosed to my husband. his comment was "well, you are the same person you were before the realization". then he didn't want to talk about it. In my mind, everything changed and autism was all I wanted to talk about.
@@spaghetto9836 I suppose he's not wrong; If you're autistic now then you always were. Odd that he doesn't wish to discuss it with you though, that doesn't make much sense. If my husband told me he thought he had something I'd be like cool, let's learn about it together.
I wish my partner has this kind of interest to know my AuDHD. It’s complicated, and most of the complication isn’t about me, but it’s still hard. I appreciate seeing you both fighting for accommodating each other, going toward your strengths, and honoring your challenges.
Wow. This was so deep, honest, sincere, and had me tearing up. I can't thank you enough for putting yourselves and your relationships out there, to share with people like myself, who don't have a network to talk to and relate to. I really appreciate Sam providing her perspective on dealing with AuDHD relationships, and I really hope Ben can have more interviews with people who are neurotypical, because its hard to understand their perspective a lot of times, but I really want to.
Dear Sam and Ben, thank you so much for this exceptional sharing of your expérience, thoughts and feelings! Me and my family are on the autism spectrum since four génerations. We struggle with the same kind of communication troubles. The only thing that saves us almost every day is love and compassion. Jules ❤
😭 ive never related to a conversation between a married couple more than i did during this interview. My husband was diagnosed after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids and it has been A very lonely process because i dont have anyone else who can relate to what its like to get to know your autistic husband when he finally takes the mask off and as his wife i want him to feel safe to take it off at home but it is still hard and new,.especially as a social butterfly, thank you, this was healing for me.
This was a truely beautiful and honest podcast, very insiteful and raw in all the right ways, the honesty between you two and the love you share really comes out and it is very powerful! I hope a lot more people get the chance to experience this chat and enjoy it in its trueness. Thanks you for sharing.
I follow this podcast on Spotify yet after hearing this installment I had to come here to see it as well. Powerful. Thank you and kudos to both of you from Boston, USA. PS: I am an old clinical psychologist and I found your podcast pretty mesmerizing from the very start and not only enjoyed your style and guests but also benefited professionally. Best into the future.
Wow - what an utterly raw and honest podcast. So relatable, including for me living with family members who are autistic. Also served as a reminder to just treat everyone with kindness.....so much happening in people's lives that interactions on the surface wouldn't reveal....I loved the reflection that it's OK to think all those things you shouldn't say, admit you feel alone... to be better at vocalising with the people around you, communication is the most important thing to ensure you don't drift.... Just be you - no excuse - but talk to people - and people will see the awesomeness within......
Loved this. I'm a mom of 5 seldom dx at 58. Felt the vulnerability and pain and also the love, connection and appreciation but lots face it its still not easy to navigate for either side especially from Audhd perspective its taken mw a few years to process and let go of a lifetime of trauma but processing some together with humor is priceless. Good luck, it's great to see you making it work.
Though I sympathize with Sam, I understand Ben more. A few people in my life are Sams, and it's a bit irritating hearing their dismissive thought process. They think they're being progressive when they say "It doesn't change anything about you" or "Life goes on", but when you don't wanna hear about how your loved one's disorder affects their daily life, you don't want to get to know them more; you're rejecting a part of them. I realized that they say these things towards _themselves,_ i.e, they don't want to see you differently due to their ableist views of a disorder, or unpack that. Maybe I'm just cynical & tired of this, but she implies she was only interested in learning about his ASD when it benefited them (the court case), not when he was actually excited to talk about it. She says it's not that she didn't wanna talk to him, but confirms it in a roundabout way (the "life goes on" crap) while talking to everyone but him about it. I'm not villainizing her, but these attitudes amongst neurotypicals are predictable and exhausting. What if I told you the way you are is irrelevant to me? Why is us talking about it "making the world/life stop"? And should I really be surprised when our communication decreases & problems arise? All this and the stats mentioned in the video are why I want to marry another divergent person.
I agree with this. It felt like naivety to what our experience actually is. For others yes life goes on but for us that's always been the issue. Life goes on and we can't keep up. And being able to acknowledge that and share your experiences with the person who loves you most, that's validating. Getting the "ok cool, life goes on, you're no different to me." ok but I'M different to me.
I understand your perspective, but I think you may have misinterpreted some of what Sam was trying to communicate. The "life goes on" and "so what?" reactions are very natural, and don't stem from some kind of ill-willed ableist view point. It's more like "there's nothing I can do about it, or I don't know what to do about it, so I don't want to worry about it." Ben tried to educate his wife, and impart his understanding to her. But Ben is autistic AF, haha, no offense Ben! Ben gave Sam what he himself wanted... a huge book with all the detailed stats and breakdown of his diagnosis. Ben didn't give Sam what SHE wanted... a practical way to deal with the diagnosis. Ben basically handed Sam the schematics for the refridgerator, with every screw torque weight, temperature parameter and voltage graph... but Sam really just wanted to know how to make some ice, or how to adjust the running temperature. I think we have to be careful about labeling people's reaction as uncaring or ableist or outright rejection. Neurotypicals will react how they react. Just like us neurodivergents will react. The key is to find the mutual understanding and some forgiveness in the middle ground between two people. And it sounds like Ben and Sam are trying and succeeding to do that, and I can't label it anything other "beautiful."
@@Nullzero98 I really appreciate your view, thank you. Sometimes I'm just demoralized by how we can be treated. He should've asked for her input, too, but he was still figuring his own behaviours out. Patience was required of them both.
so, you've only heard what you wanted to hear, but the fact that she had just had a baby, their third child, and that there was a lot of complicated stuff going on in their life at that time, that just flew right over your head, it seams. i'm audhd, so don't go imagining things. i just find it sad, as a mother, imagining her needing support with what she was going through, and her partner (very understandably, i've been through that phase myself) hyperfixating on, basically, himself (once again, i can totally relate with him as well). i guess it's just that the timing was very unfortunate for both of them, no one is right or wrong, but here you are, transposing very obviously your own experience onto them, and villainizing someone who really doesn't deserve that! EDIT: maybe i wasn't clear so i will add this : the reason why "the life went on" is because she had to hold the fort down while he was going through this ground shaking new realization/comfirmation, and they still managed to pull through playing as a team, to each other's strengths. don't expect people to have superpowers in real life, she was going through a LOT as well, and probably felt just as lonely and misunderstood as he did. they still got each other's backs, however imperfectly, and that's what matters.
So hard, but so good to watch, thank you for the vulnerability of sharing this, it‘s unbelievable how getting late diagnosed messes up relationships. And finding the accommodations and a balance between masking partially but prioritising your own down times, is ridiculously difficult to figure out.
Part II Interview with Ben and one of his daughters, please.... just like 10 mins, would be fun :D This one was a different interview and I appreciate the rawness and honesty. Thanks for your work Ben
Thank you both for such an honest, authentic and emotional chat. My son has just been diagnosed and I hope with all my heart that he finds his soulmate too.
This episode has really made me stop and think and actually consider how my partner has been affected by my diagnosis. For me, unmasking also involves growth and learning and ownership and taking a step back. I’ve got so absorbed in what’s going on with me individually that I’ve forgotten about the people closest to me. Thank you for making me realise that.
Blimey, this crushed me very early (5.a.m.) this morning listening to the podcats... Raw. Honest. Deep. Not the usual facile BS which floods all channels. This is Top-Level input and helps/helped me more than you can imagine. Simply amazing, thanks for being - the both of you! Just finished my second round watching the podcast... wow, even more intense!
What a power couple you two are. Life is crazy rough as is and then there's many groups in society that have their extra challenges on top, each. And here you are, fighting your way through all this. That alone is brilliant. I also really like this place even though I'm slow catching up, cause I'm going into my own process each time I listen to the stories of others, too. Thank you for creating this channel, even though I'm sure it is challenging in all sorts of ways! I loved this talk for the honesty and vulnerability. And I hope, that as time goes by, we'll all be surrounded by more understanding and genuine kindness and accommodation of each other's needs.
I feel for both of you immensely and am grateful for your service to the community. I was married for 13 years to someone and felt completely disconnected after having our kids. It was like parenting alone. Was always doing stuff alone and inevitably got divorced from my partner. After noticing differences with my children compared to other children i explored neurodivergence and my daughter was diagnosed AUDHD subsequently so was I. I found a new partner who consequently was also ADHD. Watching this made me incredibly sad because since splitting with my husband he shut me out of his life completely which was very hard when trying to do best for the kids but he is so black and white thinking totally un pliable or able to see things from others perspectives. I wish one day he’d stumble across this chat as it explains a lot but I very much doubt it will happen.😢 my daughter struggles so much but refuses to get a coach or take meds or eat healthy I feel so stuck.
Whilst I recognise the openess of this conversation there's something about this that bothers me. Sam is wanting understanding of the strain and difficulty of adjusting to a new reality of who and how Ben is as he unmasks. That she is having to learn and change and accommodate Ben's needs. And yes that does deserve care and attention and understanding. But I see no reciprocal conversation and understanding that Ben has been doing just that for decades. ie accommodating and fitting into what is deemed "normal", socialising, expressing emotions ie which happens to be what Sam needs. He's made those accommodations for the needs of others, including Sam all his life seemingly without recognition. Where's the care, attention and understanding for that? And how is it OK for Sam to put pressure on Ben to socialise and do what he hates and what damages him ie go to a party but it's not OK for Ben to put pressure on Sam to read the diagnostic report because "she's not interested in it"? She expects him to understand how she needs to take on information differently but she's not ready to accept what he needs ie to not go to parties. And the immediate acceptance of Ben being ADHD is in stark contrast with the struggles she has accepting the autism. It could be fruitful to unpack that.
I feel like socialising with work is different, because we know our colleagues, what is expected (esp. at events), the role we have to play and there’s a purpose, maybe high-interest in what we’re doing. Whereas socialising for the sake of socialising is soo difficult, esp. at parties, get togethers. Being introduced to new people is the worst, because we have no prior script to work from 😱.
This interview doesn’t make me feel hopeful I’d find an understanding partner, looks very hard, ugh (I’m AuDHD). 😢She doesn’t seem comfortable with the Autism even though she says it…
Can i have the everything turns to gold autism please😢 just kidding, its always interesting to hear the partners perspective. Btw this is so great to listen to, i can relate to it a Lot. So honest.
what an amazing women having to support everyone emotionally please make sure you keep your tank full such a hard gig living with a an emotionally unavailable man thanks Ben for the podcast please tell your wife you love her xxxx
Interesting view. Curious how she seems to think she got you through this. I'd imagine it didn't feel like that at all. Implying that she's an old romantic as if he isn't. There's clearly still a lot of problems with understanding. My partner is the same. No understanding of just how bad it is, always talking about me and the things I do under the lens of neurotypical. Everything sounds like an effort. My own current relationship may be affecting my opinion but it looks the same. I think the connection to the kids is, as well as the obvious, their innocence. There's no judgement from a child. I think you might find these videos helpful th-cam.com/video/h98vv3SV2Ps/w-d-xo.html
This is pretty uncomfortable to watch. I don't know what the two of you went through, but the way your wife talks about the diagnosis almost sounds like SHE feels the most traumatized by the experience.
Deep.
Sincere.
Genuine.
Thank you.
I've identified as an autist recently and disclosed to my husband. his comment was "well, you are the same person you were before the realization". then he didn't want to talk about it. In my mind, everything changed and autism was all I wanted to talk about.
Hm, typical....
*...*Ba dum tss**
@@spaghetto9836 I suppose he's not wrong; If you're autistic now then you always were. Odd that he doesn't wish to discuss it with you though, that doesn't make much sense. If my husband told me he thought he had something I'd be like cool, let's learn about it together.
My partner is gaslighting me too. I genuinely think it's unintentional but it feels very real. You're not alone.
@@heatherwilliams3748Sure, but he’s in for a lot of confusion when she starts unmasking more, and he still expects her to be exactly the same.
I wish my partner has this kind of interest to know my AuDHD. It’s complicated, and most of the complication isn’t about me, but it’s still hard. I appreciate seeing you both fighting for accommodating each other, going toward your strengths, and honoring your challenges.
Wow. This was so deep, honest, sincere, and had me tearing up. I can't thank you enough for putting yourselves and your relationships out there, to share with people like myself, who don't have a network to talk to and relate to. I really appreciate Sam providing her perspective on dealing with AuDHD relationships, and I really hope Ben can have more interviews with people who are neurotypical, because its hard to understand their perspective a lot of times, but I really want to.
I'm in my late 40s and was just diagnosed with ASD. This was a beautiful interview and I'm going to share it with my wife. Thank you both!
Dear Sam and Ben, thank you so much for this exceptional sharing of your expérience, thoughts and feelings! Me and my family are on the autism spectrum since four génerations. We struggle with the same kind of communication troubles. The only thing that saves us almost every day is love and compassion. Jules ❤
😭 ive never related to a conversation between a married couple more than i did during this interview. My husband was diagnosed after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids and it has been A very lonely process because i dont have anyone else who can relate to what its like to get to know your autistic husband when he finally takes the mask off and as his wife i want him to feel safe to take it off at home but it is still hard and new,.especially as a social butterfly, thank you, this was healing for me.
Same here ! hugs 🤗
This was a truely beautiful and honest podcast, very insiteful and raw in all the right ways, the honesty between you two and the love you share really comes out and it is very powerful! I hope a lot more people get the chance to experience this chat and enjoy it in its trueness. Thanks you for sharing.
I follow this podcast on Spotify yet after hearing this installment I had to come here to see it as well. Powerful. Thank you and kudos to both of you from Boston, USA.
PS: I am an old clinical psychologist and I found your podcast pretty mesmerizing from the very start and not only enjoyed your style and guests but also benefited professionally. Best into the future.
Wow - what an utterly raw and honest podcast. So relatable, including for me living with family members who are autistic. Also served as a reminder to just treat everyone with kindness.....so much happening in people's lives that interactions on the surface wouldn't reveal....I loved the reflection that it's OK to think all those things you shouldn't say, admit you feel alone... to be better at vocalising with the people around you, communication is the most important thing to ensure you don't drift....
Just be you - no excuse - but talk to people - and people will see the awesomeness within......
Loved this. I'm a mom of 5 seldom dx at 58. Felt the vulnerability and pain and also the love, connection and appreciation but lots face it its still not easy to navigate for either side especially from Audhd perspective its taken mw a few years to process and let go of a lifetime of trauma but processing some together with humor is priceless. Good luck, it's great to see you making it work.
This made me cry, this is invaluable information for so many reasons.
Though I sympathize with Sam, I understand Ben more. A few people in my life are Sams, and it's a bit irritating hearing their dismissive thought process. They think they're being progressive when they say "It doesn't change anything about you" or "Life goes on", but when you don't wanna hear about how your loved one's disorder affects their daily life, you don't want to get to know them more; you're rejecting a part of them.
I realized that they say these things towards _themselves,_ i.e, they don't want to see you differently due to their ableist views of a disorder, or unpack that. Maybe I'm just cynical & tired of this, but she implies she was only interested in learning about his ASD when it benefited them (the court case), not when he was actually excited to talk about it. She says it's not that she didn't wanna talk to him, but confirms it in a roundabout way (the "life goes on" crap) while talking to everyone but him about it.
I'm not villainizing her, but these attitudes amongst neurotypicals are predictable and exhausting. What if I told you the way you are is irrelevant to me? Why is us talking about it "making the world/life stop"? And should I really be surprised when our communication decreases & problems arise? All this and the stats mentioned in the video are why I want to marry another divergent person.
I agree with this. It felt like naivety to what our experience actually is. For others yes life goes on but for us that's always been the issue. Life goes on and we can't keep up. And being able to acknowledge that and share your experiences with the person who loves you most, that's validating. Getting the "ok cool, life goes on, you're no different to me." ok but I'M different to me.
I understand your perspective, but I think you may have misinterpreted some of what Sam was trying to communicate. The "life goes on" and "so what?" reactions are very natural, and don't stem from some kind of ill-willed ableist view point. It's more like "there's nothing I can do about it, or I don't know what to do about it, so I don't want to worry about it." Ben tried to educate his wife, and impart his understanding to her. But Ben is autistic AF, haha, no offense Ben! Ben gave Sam what he himself wanted... a huge book with all the detailed stats and breakdown of his diagnosis. Ben didn't give Sam what SHE wanted... a practical way to deal with the diagnosis.
Ben basically handed Sam the schematics for the refridgerator, with every screw torque weight, temperature parameter and voltage graph... but Sam really just wanted to know how to make some ice, or how to adjust the running temperature.
I think we have to be careful about labeling people's reaction as uncaring or ableist or outright rejection. Neurotypicals will react how they react. Just like us neurodivergents will react. The key is to find the mutual understanding and some forgiveness in the middle ground between two people. And it sounds like Ben and Sam are trying and succeeding to do that, and I can't label it anything other "beautiful."
@@Nullzero98 I really appreciate your view, thank you. Sometimes I'm just demoralized by how we can be treated. He should've asked for her input, too, but he was still figuring his own behaviours out. Patience was required of them both.
so, you've only heard what you wanted to hear, but the fact that she had just had a baby, their third child, and that there was a lot of complicated stuff going on in their life at that time, that just flew right over your head, it seams. i'm audhd, so don't go imagining things. i just find it sad, as a mother, imagining her needing support with what she was going through, and her partner (very understandably, i've been through that phase myself) hyperfixating on, basically, himself (once again, i can totally relate with him as well). i guess it's just that the timing was very unfortunate for both of them, no one is right or wrong, but here you are, transposing very obviously your own experience onto them, and villainizing someone who really doesn't deserve that!
EDIT: maybe i wasn't clear so i will add this : the reason why "the life went on" is because she had to hold the fort down while he was going through this ground shaking new realization/comfirmation, and they still managed to pull through playing as a team, to each other's strengths. don't expect people to have superpowers in real life, she was going through a LOT as well, and probably felt just as lonely and misunderstood as he did. they still got each other's backs, however imperfectly, and that's what matters.
So hard, but so good to watch, thank you for the vulnerability of sharing this, it‘s unbelievable how getting late diagnosed messes up relationships. And finding the accommodations and a balance between masking partially but prioritising your own down times, is ridiculously difficult to figure out.
Part II Interview with Ben and one of his daughters, please.... just like 10 mins, would be fun :D This one was a different interview and I appreciate the rawness and honesty. Thanks for your work Ben
Oh my gosh you two! What a candid heartfelt opening of your world. Wow, made me cry a few times❤. Thank you both
Thank you both for such an honest, authentic and emotional chat. My son has just been diagnosed and I hope with all my heart that he finds his soulmate too.
This episode has really made me stop and think and actually consider how my partner has been affected by my diagnosis. For me, unmasking also involves growth and learning and ownership and taking a step back. I’ve got so absorbed in what’s going on with me individually that I’ve forgotten about the people closest to me. Thank you for making me realise that.
I disagree. Yet again the autistic person is gonna have to adjust themselves for the allistic.
You are not wrong of deficient, you're different.
Blimey, this crushed me very early (5.a.m.) this morning listening to the podcats... Raw. Honest. Deep. Not the usual facile BS which floods all channels. This is Top-Level input and helps/helped me more than you can imagine. Simply amazing, thanks for being - the both of you! Just finished my second round watching the podcast... wow, even more intense!
That was emotional to watch, and beautiful. Thank you.
What a power couple you two are. Life is crazy rough as is and then there's many groups in society that have their extra challenges on top, each. And here you are, fighting your way through all this. That alone is brilliant. I also really like this place even though I'm slow catching up, cause I'm going into my own process each time I listen to the stories of others, too. Thank you for creating this channel, even though I'm sure it is challenging in all sorts of ways!
I loved this talk for the honesty and vulnerability. And I hope, that as time goes by, we'll all be surrounded by more understanding and genuine kindness and accommodation of each other's needs.
"Being by your side through all of this." 💪
Thank you both for sharing this and being so vulnerable. As an NT wife of someone with ND this is an amazing video. x
I feel for both of you immensely and am grateful for your service to the community. I was married for 13 years to someone and felt completely disconnected after having our kids. It was like parenting alone. Was always doing stuff alone and inevitably got divorced from my partner. After noticing differences with my children compared to other children i explored neurodivergence and my daughter was diagnosed AUDHD subsequently so was I. I found a new partner who consequently was also ADHD. Watching this made me incredibly sad because since splitting with my husband he shut me out of his life completely which was very hard when trying to do best for the kids but he is so black and white thinking totally un pliable or able to see things from others perspectives. I wish one day he’d stumble across this chat as it explains a lot but I very much doubt it will happen.😢 my daughter struggles so much but refuses to get a coach or take meds or eat healthy I feel so stuck.
Very beautiful and honest episode. Really enjoyed it and learned from it. Thanx for sharing.
Whilst I recognise the openess of this conversation there's something about this that bothers me.
Sam is wanting understanding of the strain and difficulty of adjusting to a new reality of who and how Ben is as he unmasks.
That she is having to learn and change and accommodate Ben's needs.
And yes that does deserve care and attention and understanding.
But I see no reciprocal conversation and understanding that Ben has been doing just that for decades. ie accommodating and fitting into what is deemed "normal", socialising, expressing emotions ie which happens to be what Sam needs.
He's made those accommodations for the needs of others, including Sam all his life seemingly without recognition.
Where's the care, attention and understanding for that?
And how is it OK for Sam to put pressure on Ben to socialise and do what he hates and what damages him ie go to a party but it's not OK for Ben to put pressure on Sam to read the diagnostic report because "she's not interested in it"?
She expects him to understand how she needs to take on information differently but she's not ready to accept what he needs ie to not go to parties.
And the immediate acceptance of Ben being ADHD is in stark contrast with the struggles she has accepting the autism.
It could be fruitful to unpack that.
💯
66 was a good year. I share that year too. Thankyou great talk with Heston . He's awesome.😊👍
Love both of your AUTHENTICITY ❣️
I feel like socialising with work is different, because we know our colleagues, what is expected (esp. at events), the role we have to play and there’s a purpose, maybe high-interest in what we’re doing.
Whereas socialising for the sake of socialising is soo difficult, esp. at parties, get togethers. Being introduced to new people is the worst, because we have no prior script to work from 😱.
Especially after the pandemic
This interview doesn’t make me feel hopeful I’d find an understanding partner, looks very hard, ugh (I’m AuDHD). 😢She doesn’t seem comfortable with the Autism even though she says it…
I feel that so much.
Amazing interview.
Can i have the everything turns to gold autism please😢 just kidding, its always interesting to hear the partners perspective.
Btw this is so great to listen to, i can relate to it a Lot. So honest.
Great podcast. Thank you both so much 🙏🏼
what an amazing women having to support everyone emotionally please make sure you keep your tank full such a hard gig living with a an emotionally unavailable man thanks Ben for the podcast please tell your wife you love her xxxx
Interesting view. Curious how she seems to think she got you through this. I'd imagine it didn't feel like that at all.
Implying that she's an old romantic as if he isn't. There's clearly still a lot of problems with understanding.
My partner is the same. No understanding of just how bad it is, always talking about me and the things I do under the lens of neurotypical. Everything sounds like an effort.
My own current relationship may be affecting my opinion but it looks the same.
I think the connection to the kids is, as well as the obvious, their innocence. There's no judgement from a child.
I think you might find these videos helpful
th-cam.com/video/h98vv3SV2Ps/w-d-xo.html
This was so hard to watch… thank you
This is pretty uncomfortable to watch. I don't know what the two of you went through, but the way your wife talks about the diagnosis almost sounds like SHE feels the most traumatized by the experience.
So are you saying she's toxic??
Thank you ❤