He looks sincere about wanting to work on it, I forgave him it’s still raw not even a month passed since it happened the last time, he genuinely believe that because we discussed it the chapter is closed and I shouldn’t mention anything about how I’m feeling, he gets so defensive and runs away… I came across your video, I requested him to listen and the one thing he hates is therapy and anything related to it, I know deep inside he loves me, he chose me, he wants me and he has changed A LOT, but the hurting is so intense 😔
@@chaimaejeddou8566 it really sounds like you guys need professional help. The fact that he hates therapy is an indication that he has a story he’s created in his mind and choosing to hold on to it. The reality is, no one taught you guys how to do marriage…he believes he can just ‘figure it out?’ You guys are going to keep hurting each other until you learn something different.
I am synical about 90% of psychologists, I feel most who get into this profession do it because they are wrecks in their personal lives, the last who should be giving advise, but Clifton you make sense and are reasonable, I enjoyed your advise
Trust me, we all have issues we are still working thru, I just make sure I don't advise anyone on anything I haven't worked thru 😉. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
The cheater also needs to go NO CONTACT with the affair partner. And if the cheater has a porn addiction - they need help. The victim needs to do things for themselves like going to the gym so they're not stuck. Working out helps the mind and the body. It lowers your stress and levels out your resting heart rate and blood pressure. It keeps you moving and releases aggression. When you focus on your form while you're exercising you don't have intrusive thoughts, you're not thinking about anyone but yourself and that's a good thing. Working out clears your mind and gets you out of the fog.
I stepped out of the relationship and entertained a total of 3 other men online never in person, he found out and chose to revenge cheat. He messaged other women online bought pictures and received free pictures as well. I’m a very insecure woman and I’ve been dwelling on the fact that the other women have no resemblances to me in any way not race not weight nothing. So it really hurts because in my eyes he sought out those women because that’s what he actually wants. He’s apologized and I’ve apologized it’s been about 3-4 months since everything came out but nothing is getting better because I can’t stop dwelling on it and bringing up how I feel that he’s not attracted to me anymore. I desperately need advice as someone who struggles with depression and self harm this has been a terrible ride. I just want us to be okay again and to move on but I really can’t move on it’s been impossible to not even think about.
Thank you for sharing your story. You guys do have a lot to unpack. The biggest challenge for you will be overcoming your mind. You are doing more harm to yourself by what you allow to exist in your mind. Your beliefs about yourself, your beliefs about your value, and your beliefs about your husband are all controlled by you. But you may need help to see clearly. I would strongly encourage you guys to get professional help...together and individually. Also, 'revenge cheating' is a deeper issue than "I was just hurt."
My wife confessed to me 6 months ago of an affair 15 years ago. I am so hurt and torn as to what to do. I know we love each other and are different people now , but the hurt is so deep. I don’t know if I can forgive her. We have been meeting with our pastor for help.
@@donavedisian8317 I am sorry to hear about what has happened. You may want to consider professional help to supplement what your pastor gives. I understand that your pain is so deep that it feels like you will not be able to forgive. Forget the future for now…one day at a time. Trust God for today, don’t worry about tomorrow yet. Easier said than done but it CAN be done. Be encouraged.
I think what hurts the most is the LIE about who we thought they were this entire time... I put my wife on a pedestal and held her in the highest regard thinking she was loyal... she waited 3yrs and 2 kids later to tell me she had cheated... then expected me to forgive her bc it happened "so long ago"... I haven't been able to see her the same since😢
I understand completely. There are so many layers. From disrespect to living a lie for years. I have so many triggers. Just looking at her brings to a bad place. I’m sorry you are going through this. There is no words to make it better. Hopefully time.
@ man that is tough and unfortunate. Really sorry to hear that. Obviously I don’t know y’all’s situation, but I do know it’s easy admitting that you’ve done something so devastating. She absolutely should have told you, but hopefully you guys can get help and work thru it.
@@bukiechannel7656 it can definitely be very painful. Make sure you guys work with a professional to get you thru it. Otherwise you will likely make things worst.
Have you been married for 7yrs, but no child yet, I'm into the process of IVF, but my walk up to me to tell me if I can allow him to his girlfriend.that she pregnant for him. I cried and beg him not to go ahead, he promised only for me to discover he still communicate with her. Have asked him questions why did he do that rather he telling me his sorry and nothing. I need my marriage but I'm losing myself.
What is the reason you "need" your marriage? Choosing your marriage when your husband is choosing someone else does not sound like wisdom. You are going to hurt yourself if you do not make wiser choices. If you are guided by how you feel will suffer. You may need someone to support you while you mature to making better choices. I hope this helps.
Please answer me i need it! My husband cheated on me four years ago and i forgave but i didn't handle the grudge appropriately so i was depressed and distant. But still tried to mak things work. A week ago I discovered that he is cheating on me and that relationship lasted for more than one year (i believe i would have never known if i hadn't discovered it). And worse than that he was planning on meeting her the week after me and our daughter left. She was supposed to come to our house. (We dont live together we are and two separate cities for 2 years or so). Now i wish i could try but he is acting as if it was my fault because i was distant.
How about if you're not yet married? So technically a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship. Is this applicable? I found his infidelity after 2 yrs, where he already changed and everything is smooth and have plans to get married. I don't want to lose his hope that someone believes on this kind of people. I am not a saint or hero. Definitely I am not God. However, I just want to be the person that says and think that sinner can still find it's way back to light. Yet, as part of defense and the validity of what we had felt because of their actions and can't deny that I have fear of what if in the end I failed to make it happen.
Saying that they did nothing wrong is crazy. There are plenty of reasons why a cheater cheats, and in a lot of cases (not all), it’s because the victim was not doing the right things either.
I found out 10 days ago that my spouse is having affair and he says he's in love with her. Totally blindsided me. I recognized the need to take a hard look at myself, understanding that there were TWO people in the relationship. Does that mean that it's MY fault that he's being unfaithful? Nope! That's totally on him. However, something put him in a mental place to make the wrong choices he did. Instead of discussing his concerns with me, he opted, instead, to view me negatively. By taking a hard look at myself, I can see where issues, that weren't just my fault, existed. It was OUR fault. We weren't communicating effectively. Reconciliation after infidelity requires a lot of REALLY hard, brutally honest, and fully intentional introspection. Or it simply won't work.
@@Katherine_02Some people in the happiest relationships still cheat. It is never the "victims" fault. Issues in the marriage may be but the response of the cheater is all on them. Don't avoid conflict in your relationships & don't put up with people who blame you for their wrongdoing.
@@zoreannrobb4340 That’s a good question. If the trust is broken BEFORE marriage then I would not get married until the trust is rebuilt. Beyond that, if they both decide to stay and work on it then the same principles apply. If you are asking would I advise my daughter to stay if they are not married my answer would be no. That is because marriage is difficult enough with just regular problems…we can’t start with broken trust from the beginning.
@@caroln6777 Not sure what your question is about a child. But you still have to decide whether to stay or not. With a child involved it may be more difficult and more work, but only you can decide what’s too much for you.
Please my husband is cheating on me with my so called friend am willing to stay but he is making it difficult by insisting he will never stop and i must accept it to the point of not feeding me and the children for not agreeing for him go spend time with his side chik
@@ruthanyaka7965 Are you saying that you want to be with your husband who does not want to be with you? You may need to talk to someone to help you not hurt yourself and harm your children. I am almost certain that there will not be ANY video that will give you the direction you need. I hope this helps.
😢thank God I found your channel... God please see me through this journey
Really really useful. Thank you! I'm in the very destructive stage and even though I've decided to stay, I need to manage that much better.
He looks sincere about wanting to work on it, I forgave him it’s still raw not even a month passed since it happened the last time, he genuinely believe that because we discussed it the chapter is closed and I shouldn’t mention anything about how I’m feeling, he gets so defensive and runs away… I came across your video, I requested him to listen and the one thing he hates is therapy and anything related to it, I know deep inside he loves me, he chose me, he wants me and he has changed A LOT, but the hurting is so intense 😔
@@chaimaejeddou8566 it really sounds like you guys need professional help. The fact that he hates therapy is an indication that he has a story he’s created in his mind and choosing to hold on to it. The reality is, no one taught you guys how to do marriage…he believes he can just ‘figure it out?’ You guys are going to keep hurting each other until you learn something different.
I pray for healing and peace to fuel your heart 🙏
I know exactly how you feel
I am synical about 90% of psychologists, I feel most who get into this profession do it because they are wrecks in their personal lives, the last who should be giving advise, but Clifton you make sense and are reasonable, I enjoyed your advise
Trust me, we all have issues we are still working thru, I just make sure I don't advise anyone on anything I haven't worked thru 😉. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
The cheater also needs to go NO CONTACT with the affair partner.
And if the cheater has a porn addiction - they need help.
The victim needs to do things for themselves like going to the gym so they're not stuck. Working out helps the mind and the body. It lowers your stress and levels out your resting heart rate and blood pressure. It keeps you moving and releases aggression. When you focus on your form while you're exercising you don't have intrusive thoughts, you're not thinking about anyone but yourself and that's a good thing. Working out clears your mind and gets you out of the fog.
God bless you man. This is what I really needed to begin with
This is all very helpful. Thank you for the great advice.
I stepped out of the relationship and entertained a total of 3 other men online never in person, he found out and chose to revenge cheat. He messaged other women online bought pictures and received free pictures as well. I’m a very insecure woman and I’ve been dwelling on the fact that the other women have no resemblances to me in any way not race not weight nothing. So it really hurts because in my eyes he sought out those women because that’s what he actually wants. He’s apologized and I’ve apologized it’s been about 3-4 months since everything came out but nothing is getting better because I can’t stop dwelling on it and bringing up how I feel that he’s not attracted to me anymore. I desperately need advice as someone who struggles with depression and self harm this has been a terrible ride. I just want us to be okay again and to move on but I really can’t move on it’s been impossible to not even think about.
Thank you for sharing your story. You guys do have a lot to unpack. The biggest challenge for you will be overcoming your mind. You are doing more harm to yourself by what you allow to exist in your mind. Your beliefs about yourself, your beliefs about your value, and your beliefs about your husband are all controlled by you. But you may need help to see clearly. I would strongly encourage you guys to get professional help...together and individually. Also, 'revenge cheating' is a deeper issue than "I was just hurt."
My issue is i forgave my wife for her "affair" based on lies she made to cover the real affair. Now it seems impossible to re-forgive her
My wife confessed to me 6 months ago of an affair 15 years ago. I am so hurt and torn as to what to do. I know we love each other and are different people now , but the hurt is so deep. I don’t know if I can forgive her. We have been meeting with our pastor for help.
@@donavedisian8317 I am sorry to hear about what has happened. You may want to consider professional help to supplement what your pastor gives. I understand that your pain is so deep that it feels like you will not be able to forgive. Forget the future for now…one day at a time. Trust God for today, don’t worry about tomorrow yet. Easier said than done but it CAN be done. Be encouraged.
I think what hurts the most is the LIE about who we thought they were this entire time... I put my wife on a pedestal and held her in the highest regard thinking she was loyal... she waited 3yrs and 2 kids later to tell me she had cheated... then expected me to forgive her bc it happened "so long ago"... I haven't been able to see her the same since😢
I understand completely. There are so many layers. From disrespect to living a lie for years. I have so many triggers. Just looking at her brings to a bad place.
I’m sorry you are going through this. There is no words to make it better. Hopefully time.
@ man that is tough and unfortunate. Really sorry to hear that. Obviously I don’t know y’all’s situation, but I do know it’s easy admitting that you’ve done something so devastating. She absolutely should have told you, but hopefully you guys can get help and work thru it.
Thanks so much...great tips
She will do it again. She's already done it more than you know.
Not true.
@@kristina4395yep women seem to justify their cheating was not really cheating by telling people ‘not true ‘
Don’t generalize. Some people truly want to fix themselves and their spouse is worth every sacrifice…
I needed this my brother 🙏
I’d like to see some of these couples who are better off…then see them again in 5 & 10 years.
I'm trying to rebuild but this cheating thing gives me lot of pain I'm not okay at all it very painful
@@bukiechannel7656 it can definitely be very painful. Make sure you guys work with a professional to get you thru it. Otherwise you will likely make things worst.
DO NOT STAY!!!
This is SO GOOD!!!
and visa versa don’t try to “prove” your love but rather just live them in the ways you’ve spoken about..
Amazing man.
All 15 steps applied in a very insightful way to my relationship
Can you suggest great Christian counselors. My spouse and I are going through this and I’m terrified we won’t find the right professional.
Thanks good advice
You got it right... most of them are women, most of those are, married women. Society has us belive it's men, but the reality is very different.
Have you been married for 7yrs, but no child yet, I'm into the process of IVF, but my walk up to me to tell me if I can allow him to his girlfriend.that she pregnant for him. I cried and beg him not to go ahead, he promised only for me to discover he still communicate with her. Have asked him questions why did he do that rather he telling me his sorry and nothing. I need my marriage but I'm losing myself.
What is the reason you "need" your marriage? Choosing your marriage when your husband is choosing someone else does not sound like wisdom. You are going to hurt yourself if you do not make wiser choices. If you are guided by how you feel will suffer. You may need someone to support you while you mature to making better choices. I hope this helps.
ATP I'm really only here so it doesn't break up my home.... I've been trying to make time for therapy but as busy parents its freggin impossible.
I need help please
Please answer me i need it!
My husband cheated on me four years ago and i forgave but i didn't handle the grudge appropriately so i was depressed and distant. But still tried to mak things work.
A week ago I discovered that he is cheating on me and that relationship lasted for more than one year (i believe i would have never known if i hadn't discovered it).
And worse than that he was planning on meeting her the week after me and our daughter left. She was supposed to come to our house.
(We dont live together we are and two separate cities for 2 years or so).
Now i wish i could try but he is acting as if it was my fault because i was distant.
ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER
Thanks. So helpful
How about if you're not yet married? So technically a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship. Is this applicable?
I found his infidelity after 2 yrs, where he already changed and everything is smooth and have plans to get married.
I don't want to lose his hope that someone believes on this kind of people. I am not a saint or hero. Definitely I am not God. However, I just want to be the person that says and think that sinner can still find it's way back to light.
Yet, as part of defense and the validity of what we had felt because of their actions and can't deny that I have fear of what if in the end I failed to make it happen.
Run
You lost me when you said that the victim needs to take a hard look at themselves. The victim did nothing wrong.
Saying that they did nothing wrong is crazy. There are plenty of reasons why a cheater cheats, and in a lot of cases (not all), it’s because the victim was not doing the right things either.
I found out 10 days ago that my spouse is having affair and he says he's in love with her. Totally blindsided me.
I recognized the need to take a hard look at myself, understanding that there were TWO people in the relationship. Does that mean that it's MY fault that he's being unfaithful? Nope! That's totally on him. However, something put him in a mental place to make the wrong choices he did. Instead of discussing his concerns with me, he opted, instead, to view me negatively. By taking a hard look at myself, I can see where issues, that weren't just my fault, existed. It was OUR fault. We weren't communicating effectively. Reconciliation after infidelity requires a lot of REALLY hard, brutally honest, and fully intentional introspection. Or it simply won't work.
@@Katherine_02Some people in the happiest relationships still cheat. It is never the "victims" fault. Issues in the marriage may be but the response of the cheater is all on them. Don't avoid conflict in your relationships & don't put up with people who blame you for their wrongdoing.
This the one!!!!
What about if he is still cheating 😩
Is it only for marriage that we should try to rekindle because I keep hearing marriage but what about fiancée or just boyfriend n girlfriend
@@zoreannrobb4340 That’s a good question. If the trust is broken BEFORE marriage then I would not get married until the trust is rebuilt. Beyond that, if they both decide to stay and work on it then the same principles apply. If you are asking would I advise my daughter to stay if they are not married my answer would be no. That is because marriage is difficult enough with just regular problems…we can’t start with broken trust from the beginning.
Delet is a great advice
How about id there is a child involved?
😩👀🤔 following.
@@caroln6777 Not sure what your question is about a child. But you still have to decide whether to stay or not. With a child involved it may be more difficult and more work, but only you can decide what’s too much for you.
The affair resulted in a son being born.now there is too much back and forth over custody issues and child support
@@CBrantleylmft thank you for replying
Any child out side marriage is a curse ,we dont care if is hurt
Children are a blessing no matter what. Stop talking nonsense
You can't just not throw it up when they refuse to be transparent or apologetic. Cant get rid of evidence when he lived next door
Please my husband is cheating on me with my so called friend am willing to stay but he is making it difficult by insisting he will never stop and i must accept it to the point of not feeding me and the children for not agreeing for him go spend time with his side chik
@@ruthanyaka7965 Are you saying that you want to be with your husband who does not want to be with you? You may need to talk to someone to help you not hurt yourself and harm your children. I am almost certain that there will not be ANY video that will give you the direction you need. I hope this helps.
😮💨 Delete
and visa versa don’t try to “prove” your love but rather just live them in the ways you’ve spoken about..