When Exposure Therapy Doesn't Work
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 พ.ย. 2024
- People always think I love traveling because I’ve done it a lot.
And I would always respond, I hate traveling. It’s being in places that I love.
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Being autistic while traveling comes with all sorts of challenges, chief among them being airports. I hate airports. I particularly dislike Manchester Airport. None of them are neurodiversity or even really disability friendly. In this video, I discuss how I travel. What accommodations I provide for myself so that I am able to travel. I also discuss exposure therapy and how it relates to autism. Did you know that autistic people are less able to become habitualized to external stimuli? This is why exposure therapy is less likely to work for us. But then, I have used exposure therapy methods many times in the past to overcome phobias & dislikes. So what gives? What makes airports different from insects?
Follow my journey from Germany to the UK & learn about how this disabled neurodivergent person copes. Barely.
Also, Autism Backpack Reveal!!!
Here are the studies I referenced about autism & habituation:
www.nature.com...
pubmed.ncbi.nl...
Here is another video I made while traveling: • Autism, Isolation & Mi...
Here are all my autism related videos: • Nobody Wants to Work?
Go on then, let’s hear your best autism travel tips! 🛫🚊🚎
Packing spreadsheets. I struggle with packing ahead of time because if I need it, then I'll need to take it out of the bag and then what if I forget to put it back in and NOPE I don't want to think about that. So spreadsheets! One column for the thing itself, one with what sort of thing it is (toiletries, electronics, chargers, clothes, etc), one for where it will be (checked luggage, carry on, worn), one for where it is now (emergency inhaler lives in purse so it's already packed, phone will be in pocket but can't be there until you're dressed to leave, toothpaste is by the sink, passport should arrive by this date), and maybe others depending on what you need (sometimes I have a Priority column at first, to keep track of items I may or may not bring depending on tbd factors, like the weather or anything coordinated with other people).
It's also kind of a talisman against catastrophizing. Worried you might forget something? Go read your list, and if you think of something, add it, and if you don't, look how good your list already is!
Don't ;)
AuDHD here, and my most important strategy is overpacking. Trip's 7 days? Bring 10 of everything. Total of 4 hours travel time? Bring enough entertainment for 12. I usually get home with a ton of stuff unused, but it stresses me out way more to worry about having forgotten something, than it does to be carrying too much stuff through an airport.
My headphones stay on as much as I can get away with. Every part of the process is full of so much noise that doesn't actually matter, but which I can't tune out. Headphones at least make it bearable.
Also, getting a coffee at the gate. Checkin sucks. Security sucks. Stressing about finding my gate sucks. But after all of that, I get the most tolerable coffee within eyeshot of the gate, and it slashes my stress levels to just re-caffeinate after I've dealt with (to me) the worst of it.
Earplugs and/or earbuds help SO MUCH with the airport noise. Once I'm through security, they go right back into my ears. I also prefer carry on bags with wheels over a backpack or duffle bag to minimize physical pain. I try to bring enough snacks but that's due to necessity (it's hard to find celiac-safe food at airports). Wearing a mask also makes me feel invisible so that kinda helps 😂
Add previously mentioned headphones! Headphones headphones headphones! And little treats and snacks. Get there ahead of time so you can put on your headphones, have a breather, and reward yourself with a treat. I had the opportunity to ride the Shinkansen in Japan and I've been envious ever since. It's quiet and smooth. No turbulence. No jet engines. Just silent speed. I wish we had some in the United States.
19:50 "If you ever consider telling an autistic person that they need to step outside of their comfort zone, please preemptively shut up, because they are probably far away from their comfort zone as you speak." 😍💚
The allistic idea that autistic people can't tolerate discomfort is one of the things that convinced me I couldn't be autistic.
Autism is discomfort all the time.
The idea of being comfortable in an airport is so alien to me that it literally took me 20 years of travelling to realize that other people truly were at ease in that environment, that all the sounds and arbitrary orders and movements and aggressive lighting really didn’t hurt them the same way it hurt me. When I figured that out, I felt such anger and loss. Two whole decades of being frustrated with myself, of those I travelled with accusing me of being a baby, or too sensitive, or attention-seeking. Two decades of internalizing the disgust that my travel-loving family had looked at me with in every airport. It didn’t need to be like that.
I mean one of the aims of the post-911 changes was just to make the experience uncomfortable for the "undesirable" demographics, at a very large cost of course. People don't really get it when it ends up screwing autistic people because they're either edge cases or end up being screwed as an unintended consequence.
Same. And shopping malls too, they have a similar vibe. I still can't understand why people willingly choose to hang out inside shopping malls.
Flying home after a particular unpleasant meltdown the lady at the check-in desk upgraded me to first class. No idea why nor, I suspect, did she understand why the stressed foreigner in front of her start crying for no apparent reason but I did... all the way to the departure gate. Was dead embarrassing but it was the closest I ever got to being happy on a plane. Haven't flown since of course. Too scared.
not all heroes etc! I've never flown first class, but I do suspect it might make the whole thing easier lol
The only panic attack (meltdown? unsure) I've ever had in public was at an airport. My connection had just gotten cancelled and I'd been awake for close to 24 hours and there were no hotels available and I just curled up in a ball on the floor for about 30 seconds. There was a really lovely elderly couple who asked if I was ok and commiserated since we were all in the same boat. That couple made things so much better.
Pro tip: before you get to the airport, check for a chapel!
Most airports have one, tucked away somewhere. It’s always very quiet. And usually dim lighting too.
Ooo that’s a very good tip!
I completely did not even think about this at all. They're almost always non-denominational, as well, so there's no worry about being assaulted by particular religious iconography if that is a potential source of discomfort.
Traveling is one of the most common triggers for disassociation for me.
Thank you for mentioning dissociation. As an autistic person growing up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful home I very much mastered dissociation. Im sure from the outside it makes autistic children seem much more easy to manage by adults but I still deal with personality disturbances and struggle to stay mentally present during conflict which has made me suceptable to being treated like a door mat as an adult. Im making a lot of progress now but no one talks about dissociative disorders and they seem to be quite prevelent with neurodivergent adults, at least in my experience.
My personal theory as to why people seem to get sensory overwhelmed less often as they get older is that, as you are an adult, you have more autonomy, and are better able to remove yourself from situations or somewhat limit the issues. THings like when you take breaks, what you wear, what you eat etc.
Agreed, when you have more self awareness (which hopefully also comes with age) and more autonomy, you can avoid the worst case scenarios
Yes! This is so true. I had no idea until I started researching autism and got my diagnosis how many accommodations I'd been making for myself for decades.
Also, when you're not a small child, you also understand how long certain situations are likely to last, so the distress of feeling like you're going to be around the too-loud noise (or whatever) FOREVER goes away.
Also some senses, like hearing, become less... sensitive
I have a very different autistic experience with airplanes and airports, but that's because when I was a little kid, airplanes and airports were one of my first special interests and our special interests never fully leave us. As a result, I love flying. I love sitting at the big gate windows and watching the planes taking off. And in spite of the crowding, I LOVE flying in airplanes. Jets are still like magic to me.
If I didn't have that kind of connection to it, it would be sensory hell for me.
Supermarkets turn me into a rage monster though.
This resonates with me because I've flown regularly since I was 2 years old, when my family immigrated to a different country. I've always loved seeing how everything functions at airports, from the planes to the layout of the buildings. And I'm far more comfortable in places where people are largely ignoring me and everybody has a defined role to play than I am in more intimate social spaces where I can practically feel the weight of people perceiving me.
There are plenty of annoying things about airports and flying, but none of them are anywhere near bad enough to ruin the experience for me. The only annoyance that really bothers me is the insanely small size of the seats on budget airlines and smaller planes.
@@tuuudes3449 You hit it on the head EXACTLY!
Hahaha we're opposites. Food is a big special interest for me so I LOVE the grocery store even though it's got a lot of the same people in public issues as places I hate.
I love going grocery shopping for other people who hate it, too. I will save my other autistic friends from the aisles of terror!
22:40 "The key here is my autonomy ..."
Exactly!
When I was experiencing street homelessness, I had a few "corners" around town I could drive my car to. My favorite was under a footbridge over a usually-dry creek bed in a city park. I would hang my portable hammock there for shade and to not be seen by "normie" park goers while I tried to rest, legally, before returing to the daily unpredictability of street life.
omg, I'm so glad you had that corner. thank you for sharing this
I liked the part alot about : we are not asking for accommodations for comfort, we are asking for it to be in less discomfort, to be able to do something which otherwise would be difficult or impossible for us to do/to bear
I have tried exposure therapy and it backfired horribly. I wish I had known before that exposure therapy doesn’t work for everyone and has the potential to make everything worse.
I am waiting for travelling to get easier for 8 years now. I don't think it will happen.
"I hate travelling; it's being in places that I love." I can relate. It's hardest for me to travel with family; when I'm alone, I can put a little bit of my attention into playing the role of a quirky distracted traveler (and the rest into finding a corner and trying to give myself some mental distance from _all of the sound of all those people talking in an echoing space that multiplies them_ ). A bit of tactical dissociation, maybe, but only when it's in a way that I choose and control (there's the autonomy again).
This is precisely why I have been getting so infuriated by my last multiple therapists and psychiatrists, every time it comes back to "you just need to push yourself more" as if I haven't heard that since I was a toddler and been doing my best to follow it for so many years. There have been things that I soften my issues with through exposure, but ive found every one of those things on my own, through my own prodding of my limits, and every time they tell me to just push harder or to push on something in particular, it has consistently been the things that ive already spent oodles of time and effort on with it often making things actively worse. Thank you for talking about this, seriously.
I've had some therapists that specialize in helping ND people, and it feels like their main job is just "No, you've been pushing yourself to the brink for years already, now we focus on staying within your limits as much as possible", lol. It was very helpful
This.
My last therapist learned of my time anxiety (i kept waiting in the online meeting 15-20mins early), that she made me come to the next meeting 'exactly on time and not a minute earlier'. She was then like "see, nothing bad happened". And I'm like, I understand the vague poiint you're trying to make, but it completely discounts the fact that the society I'm in DOES severely punish you for being late to things. Both monetaryily, and sometimes just fully missing out on stuff. Like sure you can force me to be one time or late to your meeting to prove a point, but the dentist is still gonna charge me money I don't have if I'm 15mins late lmao....
Pushing myself is the reason I am burnt out for garlic bread's sake!
Sometimes the corner is a room at a party where nobody is gathered to talk loudly about work; sadly that's never the kitchen.
edit: It just occurred to me - a late-blooming autistic person on the threshold of turning 50 - that this notion of elder autistic types being "less bothered" by overstimulation, might be connected to the massively increased degree of fatigue I experience during/after travel. Just hit me now that it may have something to do with all the masking & dissociation I do just to maintain after/during travel, and how utterly physically draining that is.
Also I'm gonna share this with a partner cuz I think they'll relate to a lot of this ❤️
dissassociation is what I feel what made me able to survive most of my life through those situations that were unbearable, no matter if it was about traumatic events or sensory sensitivities and being surrounded by too many people, but with age and noticing that the incredible exhaustion just isn't going away no matter how much I expose myself to those situations in hopes to "learn" to handle them better, I stopped trying so hard and it has actually helped my stress levels and exhaustion a bit, now most of the stress comes from society still pushing to make me functional :/ (i would like to be but i can't imagine it happening without huge cost on my own wellbeing as long as workplaces, schools etc. don't change)
didn't mean to go so negative, point was to say: I can relate ^^
@@Eryniell I hear you. Didn't come across as bleak, very much a relatable thing 💜
I have always loved finding secluded spaces tucked away from where most people go.
I used to have a magical space in the forest that was just off a trail but required a little bushwacking to get into. There were rays of sunshine poking through the Douglas fir and pine, fern and moss on the forest floor, motes of dust twirling in the air. I eventually used this space for my own pet cemetery. Today? The forest was razed and there's a subdivision. The last time I visited that space and discovered the subdivision, I walked up to the house that had the most yard space where I would have buried pets and informed the resident that their yard could possibly contain the remains of my pets so not to be concerned if anything turned up.
I've been dissociating since I was very very young. I assume it was likely due to trauma. I was called a space cadet by teachers and they said they didn't understand how I learned anything as I was rarely paying attention. I suspect my ADHD (primarily inattentive) and/or natural intelligence masked a lot of my autistic traits so ultimately others just viewed me as an shy oddball.
Highly relatable (presumably to many of us autistics.) You might enjoy Stranger in the Woods, about an American hermit who spent decades "in the wild". No medical confirmation but behaviorally it seems likely he's one of ours.
FUCKING FINALLY SOMEONE MENTIONS THIS
I was told by a neuropsychologist essentially that "it must be tiring to be thinking that much about everything, you should try to lessen that" and they didn't seem to understand that only by thinking and checking so much I can do anything. Any time I have to improvise, I get stuck on my words and my anxiety spikes, and then I get treated like a weirdo (which sometimes comes with benefits, like in exchange for the start of a meltdown , I get to ride the bus for free).
I hate travel so much. I hate being late so I can't stand the seemingly blatant refusal for transit buses and trains to ever be on time, I hate eye contact and being looked at so the people on the bus with their non stop staring makes my skin crawl, and I'm not going to even get into how I hate strangers trying to talk to me while I am trying to keep track on where I am and where my stop is, and I could fight the people that go out of their way to yell on their phones, touch you, smell weird, etc.
If exposure therapy worked at all, then I should be fine by now. I spent years working a a place that required a hour long bus ride to and from. I rode the train to my father's city alone every other weekend when I was younger, I've made trips to Toronto hundreds of times to visit friends there and go to places, and I had to commute to a city in the GTA every other week pretty much before the pandemic to visit my boyfriend at the time.
Yet, it's the same. Worse, even. There's too many variables, it is impossible to control it, it makes me feel vulnerable with the constant threat of being stranded and alone or assaulted (I've been attacked for holding my girlfriend's hand and for being goth and also for wearing a pentacle because I am pagan (I used to live in a VERY Christian and Muslim city.) Public transit isn't safe in any aspect for me and exposure therapy doesn't fix anything for me. It's like I'm saying it's too hot, and rather than turning on the AC (being drove or taking a taxi) someone lights my hair on fire to desensitise me, not caring that it is painful and killing me.
Als the best seat on the bus is the far right corner by the window where people arent looking at you and people don't usually sit beside you.
Not been in an airport since 1994. Don't miss them. Far prefer a quiet train. You're right, though - every additional connection markedly elevates the stress.
I don't know if I've been more anxious than when travelling. Once I even fainted on a plane, just from being so overwhelmed with anxiety.
This is how high school felt to me. Airport I can handle in short bursts, but high school was 40 hours per week of actual torture. I also get physically sick if I wake up even an hour early, so I was physically ill the entirety of my teen years because I am a night owl and waking up at 6am never became natural for my body. So I was in severe pain all day from that too.
I relate to this so much. It was only recent years I realized I even could enjoy going to new places so much because of how awful the travel aspect itself is.
18:41 “disabilities, which, as autistics, come with some kind of buy one get one free deal”.
As someone who has autism, chronic severe asthma, and a litany of other health issues, I haven’t laughed this hard in months 😂
Its a steal 😂
In terms of sensory stuff, if anything it's gotten worse for me as I age, I think the multiple burnouts had a hand in that. But I've gotten much better at dealing with it. I wear headphones in public, I cut tags from clothing etc etc.
Just watching this video makes me feel homesick. I found a lot of comfort in acceptance. I just tell people honestly that I get homesick as soon as I'm 10+miles from home.
I completely understand what you mean about corners. I used to have an actual cave near my house to hide in as a teenager. Almost silent, just enough light filtering in. The smell of damp soil. Bliss.
Omg a real cave that’s so cool!!
I went away once in February 2000 to visit a friend in Fuerteventura. I hated it. Professionally, I manage to go on short trips because it's my job, I get paid for it and my employers always ensure a clear process, including hotel bookings and breakfast times. I can't do that privately. In my private life I prefer to spend time in my garden.
This video gave me so much to think about. It really helped me to hear you describe your internal monologue of rushing or judging strangers when you’re in an unpredictable environment like this. So many of my fellow autistic relatives did the same thing, but I had trouble understanding why, because my own autistic coping skills landed on dissociation instead. As a kid, it was stressful seeing family members judge and rush other people (usually out loud, to me) every single time we went to the grocery store, without any explanation. They didn’t know what was happening either, because they didn’t know they were autistic, so they couldn’t have explained their behavior to me even if they wanted to.
I’m only two minutes in and I feel every bit of this.
Going through security scares me. Anytime anything is wrong the TSA agents yell. I get stopped almost every time because I pack my bags "too tight" (like putting things inside my extra pair of shoes so I'm not wasting space) and they have to open and dig through the whole thing only to find that I had extra socks.
Once I get to my gate and can sit down with my crochet to distract me from everything else, I feel a lot better.
I don't travel by plane often, but my issue is the same with all public transportation. Post burnout, my tolerance is completely gone, and it feels like it gets worse everytime. I haven't been on a bus by myself in months bc of this. I get so overwhelmed that I can't think straight and just feel unsafe. So now I need my boyfriend to be with me, so even if I am overwhelmed at least I feel safe.
It's crazy to think of all the years I spent tolerating the nightmare of transportation in a constant state of anxiety and feeling awful and guilty and ashamed of it.
Even if I can't do things the same way as before, at least I don't feel bad about it and am treating myself more gently ❤️
I get so disassociated when travelling I get lost constantly and don’t remember the events at all making the trip a waist of time. Looking at photos you don’t remember and listening to stories about your adventures and wondering when that was is just insult to injury ime
8:00 "I hate wearing a face mask, but I hate being sick more." Yes! 💚
My favorite corner was an outdoor corner. Strictly speaking it wasn't a 90 degree corner nor was it built. It was an obtuse corner of a bluff that'd been eroded by the ocean. There was this bowl shape full or pine needles from the tree whos roots were holding it together. This corner was right by the road onto the beach so it wasn't secluded, but it wasn't secluded so no one stayed there either. They all moved past. It was also rural so many days nobody was even there besides me. To get to the bowl i had to climb up a 6ft (2m) rough outcropping down the way then crouch walk back to the bowl. Nobody could see me there. With the noise of the surf and the wind in the trees it had a lovely soundscape. I could lay there and be gone from the world and expectations for as long as i felt like. I slept better there that anywhere else i've ever been. I could read and relax and feel safe hidden from the world. Not useful for traveling because i'm sure that location has eroded away by now. But it was my favorite corner, and now whenever i seek out beautiful natural locations it always gets compared to the bliss i felt there.
I dissociate a lot. I paid extra for access to a lounge this trip and it made a huge difference for my comfort. I am not even sure why, I think it was maybe a bit more predictable. Travel is really rough as an autistic. It’s also tough when being grabbed and assisted too physically because I am also blind
Also interesting to consider: sometimes it's worth it paying the ridiculous 7 euro for a cola at the fancy airport bar, if it comes with comfortable seats in a quiet area. Similar to the lounge, but perhaps financially a bit more accessible
I really feel this. I guess i'm... lucky? that i was able at a young age to develop a kind of panic quiet for things like malls and airports, a complete disassociation that is much quieter. It's probably not best that on an airplane i tend to sit completely motionless for the entire flight if there's anyone near me, getting a middle seat from San Francisco to Dublin was hell.
Warrington Bank Key is one of the most depressing railway stations I've ever had the misfortune to arrive at. To get off the train, turn around and see nothing but that enormous cement works was like stepping out of sensory hell into actual hell.
I feel this so hard. Last time I had to fly, I had a full meltdown at the gate in front of everybody. I don't know what I would have done if my husband wasn't with me.
Oh man this hit hard. Those bits where it cut to the noise of airports just... Damn. I hate planes so goddamn much. I love aeronautics. I hate air travel. We took the miracle of powered flight and made it miserable. I've also got vertigo and motion sickness issues like you. Sending hugs.
Simultaneously loved hearing your descriptions and theories, utterly triggered by watching and listening to the airport travel itself.
My family is a 5hr flight away, and it keeps getting harder every time. I’d try so hard to stay calm, and tell myself it would be over soon and that my family or home is on the other side, and inevitably I’d break and check exactly how soon, and realise most of the flight was still ahead and the plane was only getting louder. And then, regardless of whether I initially chose this travel or why, I’m trapped in a loud confined space with lots of people and no ability to take a break or make it stop, for a length of time i can’t control, having a sensory /anxiety / trauma reaction I have minimal control over, and it’s hell.
Thanks another insightful and relatable video, I love your work. When I was a kid, I loved being under my dad’s desk, in the space where the chair goes, like a little troll. I also loved climbing my tall bookshelf and hanging out on top. At the airport I never sit at my departure gate, I always sit nearby at an empty gate.
It doesn’t get better for me either. It only gets worse.
This is such good timing that at the end I’m crying with relief that I’m not alone. I’ve got a flight on Friday and I’m dreading it so much! I almost cancelled it but my mom insists that I’m strong. And I told her “Wish I was allowed to be weak and get protected. All my life I’m just supposed to be strong all the time” but she didn’t reply
Best of luck for the flight! You’re certainly not alone, I want to cancel every flight I take
@@Ember_Green I applied for a waiver to reschedule it and this morning they granted my request! Yay! Now I’ve got more time to prepare. I was especially thinking about your suggestion to REST the day before instead of doing my usual day-before insomnia/ still-packing/ death-spiral
I think a good part of the reason that airports and flying is harder to get used to, is that it is objectively a bad experience, unlike tomatoes and most insects. Unless you can afford to fly in posh class, you are packed in like sardines, and the little "accommodations" which used to be given to everyone for free (e.g. an in-flight meal), have become things you have to pay for. And passing through airport security over the last 20 years has come to involve more and more rituals of humiliation (largely pointless, but I'm sure bans on taking drinks through are profitable for the airport). I think if you could see inside the head of many of the people who seem fine with it, you'd find they're just engaged in various coping mechanisms (such as getting very drunk). And Manchester Airport is the worst (I've felt this for years, but had it confirmed recently by an acquaintance who travels for work).
Trains I find easier to deal with, at least when they're not overcrowded. There's more room - you can get up and walk around, and there are plenty of corners in rail stations. I did find myself a "corner" on a long-haul flight, though. Spend most of the flight standing by the rear cabin doors, looking out of the little window. The cabin crew didn't seem to mind.
My main coping strategy is earphones, and something to listen to.
I'm AuDHD and I really enjoy just listening to you in the background it's very relaxing
Rambling incoming, but thank you for this video! I think you did a really good job capturing the energy and feeling of sensory overload in the video with the editing, especially the part with you in the airport restaurant. I felt the discomfort, frustration, and pain even of overstimulation from being in crowded and loud public spaces just watching those parts.
I don't travel a ton, I tend to get so worried and have panic attacks before big trips and have to hype myself up in order to not back out, though in the moment of actually traveling it's usually fine-ish (because I tend to dissociate for plane trips, I do a lot of helping navigate during road trips though so that keeps me focused on something). I love taking trains, but rarely get to do it because the state of passenger rail in the US is abysmal and I have so few options in that regard. Trains are very simple comparatively in my experience though, because while it does take a degree of planning for a trip, there's no booking tickets ahead of time for a day trip. I can just get the ticket day of at the airport, ride the train to the destination, get off train. No driving, worrying about parking or traffic... Outside of driving to the airport and parking there, which is easily the worst part of it and yet is infinitely better than driving and parking in the city I've taken the train to. I absolutely couldn't handle driving in that place, driving is a challenge for me in the best circumstances!
I always check my travel stuff so many times before a trip, but I HAVE to pack the day before. I "pre-pack" and make sure I have everything ready to be packed over the week before a trip, but I don't pack anything yet. Just, gathering stuff together ahead of time so it's ready to be packed. I guess it's like, if I pack early and then find something I forgot to pack, then I have to fully re-pack everything. And that sucks, I hate taking everything out and then re-sorting and putting stuff in my luggage. 🤷
The biggest thing, I think, is whether I'm alone or with someone. I have a very hard time traveling alone. If I have someone with me that's an easy distraction, even if we're not talking much, just having company allows me to put up with a lot more sensory garbage than I'd be able to handle alone and eases my anxiety.
I also simultaneously love and hate going shopping. It's a treat, an adventure! But also so so overwhelming and loud. Also when it's busy? Awful. The worst.
I hate air travel too and cannot imagine putting myself through it with any regularity. You're very brave, Ember.
Your insect art is class!
I _hate_ flying. For me, I can't stand the feeling of being trapped in a tube and I can't get out if I need to. The whole time I'm on a plane, I feel like I'm fighting off a panic attack. I literally have to tell myself, "Ok, you can take this for 30 sec. And now 30 sec more." And so on. I am not autistic - at least, as far as I know - but I really don't think exposure therapy would work for me, either. And, also, why would I want to subject myself to that? When people say, "You need to get out of your comfort zone," it sounds like, "I need you to make _me_ comfortable." I will fly when I feel it's necessary, but I'm not going to "get over it" just because someone else is inconvenienced or embarrassed.
It's interesting that how you describe airports reminds me of how I felt working in an open office environment before the pandemic. I would hide in the bathroom, too. Or I'd have to take a break and go hang out in my car. I have ADHD, so maybe that's the problem, but I felt like I was in a fog of noise and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I miserable working there.
This came at a perfect time. I have to travel by an airplane in 7 days and I'm already sort of dreading the airport. The lack of control over my surroundings and the unpredictability of it all on top of the sensory overload from noise and light and smell and temperature fluctuation, + I constantly feel like I'm slightly out of breath due to the dry recycled cabin air (I have asthma). It's not pleasant. Thank you for sharing this video, I really liked it, and it helped me feel a little more grounded while I prepare for my flight.
Good luck for the flight!
Discovering noise-canceling earbuds and what they do for my travel experience was a revelation - because just popping them in reduced my stress noticeably, whereas the adrenaline or whatever started to kick in immediately on hearing those airport "ambiance" clips! I've traveled a lot since I was a small child, so I already had my whole system of food I know I'll want to eat and finding the quiet corners and bringing a book (partly to keep my brain busy and distracted, and partly so I can look at and talk to people as little as possible). But I didn't realize how much energy I spend dissociating from noise until then. My parents used to worry about how checked-out I looked in public places - turns out, that's why!
Travel is worth it to me, even if it will never be comfortable. But I really, REALLY wish some more thought went into designing the experience so that I didn't HAVE to try so hard.
One of my favorite photos of me traveling is one my wife took of me looking deadpan af at the camera while she was yelling in excitement, "look, it's the London bridge!"
A lot of the time I have to disassociate myself from being overstimulated, especially after interacting with people.
I don't get excited about traveling, neither do I have fun, but I am interested in how people live in different countries around the world.
"We are strong." 💚♾️
oh, i am *so* good at finding little corners to hide away in. back in high school i would find little places like that constantly. i usually ate lunch in the upstairs of the library in this little hidden away spot near one of the far doors
there was also this one stairwell i always sat in because there was this one part that noone ever went near, because taking some other stairs was always faster
It was hard to watch this as it was so well done I felt I was in the airport - it's not something that gets easier and I hate it more and more. Thank you for putting words on my experience (again!) 💜
I also hate travelling. Journeys make me anxious, and the longer the journey the worse the anxiety. Even taking the bus to work gives me a spike of adrenaline. But rarely am I unhappy when I'm at my destination. I'm on holiday as I type this, and in the week leading up to it I started to detach from work. Not from looking forward to the holiday, but from the approaching travel and all the details we had yet to agree upon. I could not focus on my job because my mental energy was going on controlling the anxiety. And yet, once everything was packed in the car and we were far enough down the M1, it all melted away. Perhaps it's because we were in a car, isolated from the world. Just me, my wife, our playlists, and a lot of snacks. Maybe I like travel after all. Maybe it's thinking about travel I don't like. And the parts of it that involve being trapped in loud places with other people. I struggle to cope with conversation noise, it can quickly become overwhelming, especially if people are trying to talk over the noise. The escalation, the several different conversations all inserting themselves incoherently into my brain as it tries in vain to make sense of the sentence fragments. Confusingly for many of my friends, who are aware I don't cope well with noise or crowds, I love gigs. I don't love the crowd, but I find it easier to navigate when they're all focused on one thing instead if moving and talking randomly. And I especially love the music. Metal or punk, played ear-bleedingly loud. I want the music to envelope me. To drown out all other sensory input. To arrest my thoughts until there is nothing but the music. It's bliss. Especially if I can find a nice corner to stand or sit in. Especially especially if it's near the bar.
We stopped at a service station on the way down to our holiday. We were going to anyway, but this one was earlier than planned because my waste disposal system doesn't give me any warning. I'm zero to desperate in a moment. It was busy. And I mean BUSY. I went in, used the toilet, and went back outside. Once I felt calm enough, I went back in and ordered some food. We ate it outside.
Like you, I enjoy being places. I know I do. I can look back at the new and interesting places I've been and use that to push back against the anxiety that will inevitably bubble up. I don't even know where this anxiety comes from. I have no trauma associated with travelling. Is it just the uncertainty? The oncoming unfamiliarity? I've never travelled to a new place by myself. There's always friends or family either travelling with me or already there. Would I have a bad time if I wasn't with trusted people? I don't really want to find out.
This video is me (except about tomatoes. I love tomatoes). I also really love being new places, but I hate getting there. It's so hard - physically and mentally. I have the autism. I have the POTS and the EDS. I have to be careful about getting sick, because every cold turns into something terrible (right now, it's a sinus infection). I also have ME/CFS so I get exhausted so easily. After travelling, I need at least a day, sometimes more if it was a rough, to recover, so if it's a short trip, well... it better be a great hotel room, because that's all I'm likely to experience. But I LOVE seeing new things. I love museums and art galleries. I love roadside tourist traps. I love how there's always someone selling magnets and fudge. I just really, really wish there was an easier way to travel.
Ember, at least you have reliable public transport than the US. I can't even drive and I want to travel to other cultures, such as the UK, but that's becoming a fever dream. Last time I did travel though by train to another city, I was able to endure sensory overload and kept a cool head, but I did scare a medical team when I nearly went into a seizure trying to sleep on the train.
This matches my own experiences with habituation. For situations like the airport, I can only get better at preparing to reduce stressors and better at pretending I'm not distressed -- not actually *being* less distressed. I HAVE gotten habituated to spiders and bees, where that means I actually FEEL less distress. *Much* less distress. It's not at all the same.
My favourite corner has always been the second stair from the top at my Mum's house. It's not in one place or another, you can't see it from the hall and it's always quiet. I can sit there for hours and I always feel calmer when I do 💜💜
My boyfriend is autistic (formerly diagnosed as "Asperger's", which, boy I cannot believe that was ever an accepted name for the diagnosis), and we presently live together. We are also both furries. We enjoy going to furry conventions annually. One thing I have learned over the years of being with him is that my old partying ways of getting wild and drunk is a very quick way to ruin his time. He needs lots of down time and has to take lots of naps even on regular days at home because he doesn't sleep well as it is, so being overly stimulated from lots of social activity will put him down for the count even more frequently.
Well. You'd think that would've taught me that bringing him to one of the *biggest fighting game tournaments on the planet where he only knows about 1 other actual human being who is attending* would be one of the worst possible ideas I could have of something to do with him.
ha. ha. ha ha ha. ha.
As someone who has traveled a lot since I was a toddler, and who is neurodivergent, I used to get a sick prior to travel as a kid.
That doesnt happen anymore but it still aint easy flying from point A to point B.
Having access to earbuds and music on my phone I've found makes travel a little more bearable for me.
I've also found it strangely calming and familar to look outside while waiting at the gate to see planes coming and going.
But that's just my experience.
While i don't exactly have the same experiences with sensory overload during travel I do understand the discomfort.
Great video ❤
I absolutely adored this video. Just your voice over these shots of you traveling and trudging through it, and picturesque videos(and photos) of your eventual destinations. Very calming.
I will say that the annoying thing about traveling (especially by plane) is there are so many steps that must come to get to your eventual destination. Go here. Park here. Walk here. Wait on this line. Walk here wait here. Anxiety about potential problems, real and imagined. And that all of that just takes so much time. Need those Star Trek transporters. Anyway, great video and essay! Cheers!❤
I travelled to Europe from Australia with my mum when I was 16, not knowing at the time that I was autistic. We did heaps of stuff, but my main memory from it is my mum's retelling of our time in the Louvre. It was somewhere I was so excited to go, I'd just read dan Brown for the 100th time and couldn't wait to see all the paintings and sculptures in the books. Obviously it was packed, we went during peak travel season, and my mum would say she knew where I was because of the part that would appear in a crowd of people as I rushed through them. I wasn't pushing or anything, I guess I was just so tunnel focused and moving so fast people thought they'd better get out of my way. I got chastised a lot for that trip, for not soaking it up as much as I should have, but I felt like I was in survival mode the whole time. Obviously I know why now, but at the time I just felt like a piece of shit for "wasting" the experience. I've dealt with that mostly and I'm grateful to have gone and enjoyed bits of it, but yeh, the trauma of that stopped me travelling anywhere for a long time. It took me over a decade to work up the courage to do an international trip. I had an anxiety attack before I went through the new body scanners and I showed up bright red on their screen, then had to explain to them that I wasn't smuggling anything, I was just having a meltdown because I thought I'd missed my connecting flight. It's funny in retrospect, but it was horrendous at the time.
I also have these quiet corners in every station I pass through. And backup plans, loads, for every train I take (I do travel with these German trains and you never know when you'll arrive but at least there is usually another option or five if you start early enough in the day, so I have it all planned out five fold). It never gets less stressful, if only it gets more stressful every time. I thought something was wrong with me for not getting better at tolerating it, but now with this video it makes sense. And also why my exposure therapy to some phobias doesn't work while others work a bit better. Thanks for the video, it helps me a lot to be more okay with me
This is so painfully relatable. I LOVE travelling in the sense of always going to new places and experiencing and seeing new things, what I hate is the actual travel part. I'm ADHD meself (sometimes your videos make me wonder if I might have autism too but I think it's more likely the crossovers and similarities between the two neurodivergences). I get exttreme time anxiety thanks to my habit of blacking out and losing track of times, or just forgetting abouth scheduled things, so travel really fricks with me. Early mornings screw with me so bad bvecause I'm barely functional, and I get anxious poops, which makes me more anxious because I also have huge public bathroom anxiety lol! I really struggle with crowds of people and hate when I'm trying to get somewhere and people are walking close to me or getting in the way, like I genuinely get angry when I can sense people close behind me. I also really struggle with the noise of it all, get that same feeling where my head just feels full of cotton and like it's gonna explode, which makes me really really irritatable. My one blessing is I'm find with ear plugs and headphones, so I usually just live with my headphones in and music blasting the entire time, but that sadly doesn't solve the rest of the problems haha. Time anxiety does fade once I'm at the station/airport and definitely there in time for my travel, but that doesn't calm my guts, sadly. Oh! And the fake lighting everywhere! And being stuck inside! I just wanna see some natural light and breathe some outdoor air :(
I always thought this was all normal, until a few years back my mum and a few friends were chatting and many of them were like "i love the travel part! its fun and part of the holiday!"
But they're always crap W H Smiths. There, I ruined the one thing you like about airports. - N
Hey. Now. You see, I am deprived of WH Smiths in my day to day, for me the airport ones are the only ones I can get.
My corner was the bathtub in my parents very small bathroom, door locked and sliding shower doors closed, lights off. The cold tub felt so safe.
Oh yes, the corner. In grad school I had to travel to a lot of academic conferences and as miserable as the traveling itself was it was probably the least bad part of these trips. Everything else was a constant crush of people, forced socializing, loud dinners and loud drinkers and having to sleep in a strange bed in a shared room. This was all before I was diagnosed so I didn't have the tools to understand why it all hurt so much, and I didn't have the perceived right to ask for accommodations like a private room or an official quiet room from the conference organizers. Anyway, the point is that finding corners at these conferences was essential. Stairwells were often a good choice, if uncomfortable. Sometimes I got lucky and there were areas set up for posters away from the foot traffic between the main conference rooms and facilities, those tended to be pretty empty when talks were in session.
My boyfriend & I had to spend the night in an airport once. We had a 13 hour layover, on our way home to Kansas, from Anchorage, Alaska. The layover was in Seattle, Washington & we knew we didn’t have enough extra money for a hotel room. So, he slept on his coat on the floor & I pulled my exercise mat out of my duffle bag, rolled it open onto the floor & placed a pillow on it, which I also got out of my duffle. So that’s how we tried to sleep that night, after setting alarms on our cell phones. I remember wishing that I had a sleeping blinder & some ibuprofen with me. But, we couldn’t afford those “little extras” at the time. Those bright lights really were extremely aggravating! Talk about torture, uughh!!
The only halfway good thing about it was the fact that it we didn’t get there until around 8:00 at night, and the vast majority of people coming in either had connecting flights to catch right away, or they were leaving for hotels. So, that whole section of the airport in Seattle was virtually empty before too long & very quiet. Well, there was also the fact that we were near the restrooms, which is always super important for me. I also managed to get to a small souvenir shop, shortly before they closed & purchased a small & silky, pink, makeup pouch and something to snack on in lieu of dinner.
I definitely don’t recommend *ever* sleeping at an airport though, if you can avoid it at all. We didn’t really have a choice but to accept that flight with the 13 hour layover though - not if we actually wanted to get home before winter set in - and we *had* to get home then. 🤷🏻♀️💜🖖🏼💜🤷🏻♂️
I didn't know there was such a thing as aerosinusitis--this is what happens to me. Thank you for this whole vid.
Yes. I absolutely hate travelling, be it a bus ride, train ride and especially a flight.
Thank you for your videos. Something that has helped me was when I noticed that most airports (in the U.S. at least) have a room called a chapel or sanctuary. If your flight is unexpectedly delayed or you have a long layover, you can retire to a small nondescript room (sometimes with random religious iconography) that is typically unoccupied, soundproofed, and dimly lit.
"I hate travelling, its being in places that I love" - YES!!! Travelling is awful. Being in beautiful places is great.
Your drawings are amazing.
Is there anywhere I can see them and show people?
No sorry they exist only on my old hard drive these days
Watching this after having just returned from a failed camping trip that ended prematurely because of me having meltdowns every few hours felt threpautic. Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me at least a little hope that I'll maybe be able to tackle my arachnophobia in the future.
Someone else commented this also, but I dissociate. I don’t feel real in a place if I’m not there for over like 3 days, the new things, the stuff that overwhelms me, just sends me into a dissociative state.
A good example of this is the 3 story candy shop in Chicago. My mom had a whole list of stuff to do, when we got to this giant candy shop and I knew I had a set time there, it ruined me. I had a shut down over how much there was, how overwhelmed I was (no ear protection at the time), and the lack of time. I chose literally a boring chocolate bar. Like the most standard thing because my brain wasn’t on the right way. My mom ended up choosing stuff for me.
I don’t have the money or the energy to travel right now. But if I did I’d want to drive and have more of a vague plan than an itinerary.
I love Festivals and Raves because the music is so loud I don't hear all the people. Due to the sensory processing stuff I can't understand my friends either, which is a blessing in disguise when youre trying to enjoy the music and dance. And If I want to get away you're outside, plenty of places to smoke. Even pretty desolate corners, little pockets of trees to hide in and the space close to security and the first aid is usually quite empty... I do however rather stick to weekend Festivals where I have a tent with a hooded blanket, heavy duty ear plugs and safe music ready to go... And I am lucky I live in a town with an abundance of raves, so much so I have even been able to volunteer at one.
This has soooo much overlap with my ADHD travel experiences! Yes, give me that quiet corner, yes tuning out noise or light or movement seems almost impossible.
Learning that you live in Berlin as well gave me a pleasant parasocial buzz, even though I know that we likely will never meet.
Thank you for your wonderfully insightfull videos Ember.
I'm so glad you made this video. There have been some things that I've been able to get used to and some that I haven't. I really berate myself for not being "tougher" so frequently. And it can sometimes confuse me and make my sensory issues feel fraudulent when I'm enjoying a concert with a crowd but cannot handle talking to people in a crowded room. This video really helped me feel less alone. Thank you :)
I have shared those thoughts exactly. You’re certainly not alone!
I love flying and I can tolerate airports themselves, but I haaate the security workers. In the US at least they’re often rude and don’t tolerate anyone being rude back to them, and I’ll often find myself being instructed on how to do basic things like I’m an idiot causing me to go slower while unpacking my stuff. One time I was shouted at because two TSA officers were giving me conflicting instructions at the same time
travelling by air with my younger daughter made flying easier. I was the helper. I could put away my feelings to focus on her anxiety
If there's a free bank of seats in an airport I've been known to get *under* it, just for the illusion of a sheltered space. It helps. The only thing I like about airports is that it's kind of normal to behave weirdly in them, up to a point. Like, there's no other public space where it would be *kind of* acceptable to lie under a bench.
THE TIMING… I love to see new people I love it but it makes me so severely fatigued and I kept like getting to new places and being in new places and exploring local grocery stores. But when I’m out i end up having severe CFS and Hypersomnia. I don’t even care about flying or the airport it is the thing that I want that exhausts me, the actually seeing new things is like a flashbomb of information… god it hurts.
My favorite thing is to find corners. When I was in grade school I would lurk in this unused doorway during our recess break. I think it was an emergency exit doorway from the cafeteria and I would sit there and draw and dissociate/daydream most of the time. Sometimes my friends would come and sit with me and occasionally they would manage to pull me out to play with them on the playground but by and large I would stay in my little hiding place and draw pictures. When I got older and changed schools I didn’t have quite the same little spot and I would get pushed to go play but I never really enjoyed it and a lot of times I would spend recess leaning against the wall because I didn’t really fit into any group. I really hated recess sometimes. Especially when the weather was miserably hot (also probably have POTS or similar, I’ve always been intolerant to the heat and fainted easily.)
🧡I love your new name 💚
I can’t get over that my mother tried to say our family was tired after outings or going places because of energy or something?? Like spiritual energy??? So weird. No, we don’t all generally dislike and get extremely tired in crowds and big cities because vibes??
Dx ADHD and SPD 2 years ago at 40 cause working in an office triggered sensory meltdowns. Realized I'd had sensory-triggered meltdowns including migraines all my life, and just the opposite my sensitivity is increasing as I age. My argument for that is my repeated burnout(s) have reduced my capacity to deal with sensory stress. When I'm getting sensory overwhelm, I can feel it like a pressure around my face, and generally a weight impeding my ability to think and focus. Thank you for making this video.
My travel tips are generally my usual sensory-addressing ones from having a range of auditory defenses (cheap earbuds up to earplugs and bluetooth headphones, non-ANR), visual (cap, rx sunglasses, hoodie), and thermal (cooling towel, light clothes). Usually lightly masking, generally in customer service mode.
I finally went back to Japan last September (I used to live there but hadn't travelled since 2016) and I loved being there but came home feeling worried I might never get to go back because the (totally uneventful) travel there and back were SO physically miserable and long and exhausting that I can't imagine paying $2500+ just for the privilege of going through it again. 8 months later and I still feel much the same way. I feel like I'd have to get business class to tolerate it, but I could never justify the price. For now I'm just stuck trying to improve my health and hoping that someday it will feel more possible again but there's obviously no guarantee it won't continue to get worse. I still don't want think about beint on a plane for more than than 5 hours, let alone 13~14.
If only I could just take a 13 hour Shinkansen instead of a plane, I would enjoy travel. Most of the time the Shinkansen is comfy and quiet enough to make me fairly happy - it's quiet because it's Japan, there's miles of leg room for me and my things, always a nice view, and rarely anyone beside me if I'm travelling during off-peak hours. But the plane makes me indescribably miserable and this time it just felt like it would never end.
(As far as age tolerance goes, my tolerance has definitely gotten worse. This was my 5th time flying to Japan since 2008 and by far the worst. My sensory sensitivity has actually gotten much worse since my mid-30's and then the added stress of being Covid-cautious with health anxiety and stuck on a plane with nobody else masking + my body being in much worse condition than it was when I was younger, both made everything feel so much worse than I remembered. I even had noise-cancelling headphones for the first time but wearing anything on my head gives me a headache after awhile so I had to keep switching between the noise of the plane vs the headache.)
Funnily enough, I am at home in trains. If I could afford a BC100, I'd be riding in high-speed trains all across Germany every weekend.
But if I have to navigate an airport? Nah. Not alone. It's scary.
Autism. I love mine.
oh god the corner thing hit me hard. i was at disneyland paris pride and literally sat down in a corner because i wanted to enjoy the concert they had going on but staying in the crowd gathered in front of the stage? noooo
Your voiceover and editing are super impressive. This feels like a well produced documentary.
thank you so much!
Just speaking for myself, as someone who is autistic, I was glad that I didn’t mind flying. I went flying for the first time, and was solo.
Was worried for a few minutes about being in the air, but once I was there just kept thinking of it as a big communal sky bus and didn’t focus on the altitude part.
On the way home, I got a window seat and loved every second of it.
The flight was only like 6 hours in two chunks (3-4 hours and then 2.5 hours), so I didn’t need to use the bathroom during the flight.
As I know everyone is different, your mileage may vary. But good luck if you decide to fly
I have all the same stressors about travel. it really bums me out that i cant just be excited about it anymore. almost all excitement gets funneled into anxiety.
Im having a hard time adjusting from being a young adult where i could sponge the stressors and bounce back much easier. My coping mechanism was just pushing through, and pushing through. ignoring my body and how all of that made me feel.
I cant do that anymore, but im still disconnected from my body. The stress from travel creeps up on me before taking me out altogether. It usually starts with a headache, which i cant always address when im on the go without meds. so i ignore it and it makes everything worse.
ill get to the end of the day feeling mostly fine acceot the headache has gotten much worse before my body just collapses. i go through hot and cold spells and usually end up vomitting before passing out.
I went through shades of this for years before i understood what was going on.
Well done for filming outside AND tolerating the airport/ travel... kudos!
I can relate, travel gives me the worst anxiety and motion sickness. Also your monolog reminds me of reading a good book. I enjoyed the flow of your monologue too, smooth 😊
I also hated tomatoes until i was like 20, now i like them. Except for cherry tomatoes because they explode in my mouth and it grosses me out.
funny thing about me. I love small spacesas long as it isn't the kitchen that is small. I like boxes for that reason. I can sit inside it and pretend I'm unseen. But when crowded by people I get claustrophobic. I suspect that was because as a kid I would hide from my mom often and find spaces she couldn't fit into. It was a safe space in a chaotic environment that I could be myself in
Those bug drawings are super cool and I love them.
2:33 from what I understand, it started when the German Railway became privatized in the 1990s.
Since I was born in 1992, all I know are unreliable German trains.
If I ever met the Doctor and could travel in the TARDIS, one era I’d choose was the 1980s or so, when trains were still on time.