I REPEAT: This video contains ONE autistic person's experience of meltdowns. Please do not assume anything about any other autistic person based on my account. Not all autistic people have meltdowns & not all people who have meltdowns are autistic.
The word "meltdown" has been a severe trigger for me for most of my life, because when I was growing up, my mother would use the term constantly to belittle me, while simultaneously not understanding anything about what it was. I would be crying on the floor and hitting myself til I had a week-long headache, and she would just say "Yeah, she's having a meltdown. Just ignore her, don't give the brat the attention she wants." I assumed I had some sort of narcissistic obsession with attention for years, and I hated myself for it. Because I was taught, over and over, that meltdowns are just me being a mean rude autistic kid who wants your constant attention, because she's not empathetic enough to understand that other people deserve attention too. Even after I escaped her, it's what everyone I met would assume as well. It had to be right, because I was outnumbered a million to one on what I must be doing, so clearly I was the one who didn't understand it, not them. Thank you so much for explaining the truth to people. Especially people like me who were brainwashed not to recognize their own innocence, and may still hate themselves because of it. It's important.
Thanks for sharing your experience. That's so upsetting... to anyone trying to listen It's a powerful message that *something* has to change, NOW. No one deserves that treatment, it's hard to imagine what kind of hole that would gouge out of your soul... I hope you've found ways to fill that hole back in with self compassion and healthy, caring, relationships.
Washing dishes IS sensory hell. Imagine how hard it is to convince your family that your aversion to dish washing is primarily due to the noises and sensations, rather than just being lazy! Dishes clinking together is one of my triggers. Welcome to the ADHD club. Being autistic and having ADHD, in my experience, is like having a constant tug-of-war in your brain - one side demands predictability and structure, and the other side demands novelty and variety. If your experience is similar, I hope you can find a balance that works for you.
It sucks how difficult it is to explain to people how horrible the experience is to people who don't process it that way. Another thing I struggle with is that no one understands the sensory chaos and torture of taking a shower is for me. Baths are great, but I've frequently found myself in situations where only showers are possible.
Ugh the combo of dishes unexpectedly/accidentally clinking against each other and the squeaky feeling of wet plates literally makes me want to vomit and scream
The only way I have been able to actually convince people is when they are people I know, and just actively describing what having sensory issues are like. If someone dismisses it or says "oh its not that bad", I make sure to reitterate that they are full of shit and just assuming that my brain works like theirs, which it doesnt. Desribing how certain smells straight up send me into reverse seizure mode, my brain firing off at a million miles an hour while on the outside, I probably dont look that different beyond being a bit tense, until you try and talk to me and you get the verbal equivilant of throwing up. Most people get it, and those that dont generally are not my freinds anymore. There is also the smaller sensory issues, which are harder for people to grasp. No, my aversion to bad textures is not normal, and what you think is a bit of an overreaction is me trying not to throw whatever I am eating into the window, while cleaning my mouth out with enough alcohol to dull whatever sensation it was. There are only a few that are completely uncontrollable, they are easy to describe, but the ones where I can mitigate it if I want to but still are suffering to experience are incredibly hard to get neurotypical people to understand.
Yes. Also, gloves and earplugs and/or over ear hearing protection. I never liked not being able to do something, and found out that observation of my sensory issues and creativity helps me find work arounds.
@@audiopainter68 Personally, gloves have always given me more sensory issues than the dishes themselves, bit the ear protection thing is 100% necessary. It's part of why I have noise cancelling headphones
Thank you for directly addressing privilege. I met so many other autistics (I suspect) while I was homeless. Meltdowns were a direct cause of my homelessness and got me kicked out of shelters too (long story). Housed now and haven't had a meltdown in months....
This is very real to me. I have been homeless a couple times recently and being in that condition is extremely difficult for an autistic person to have to exist in. I paired up with two other neurodivergent trans women who had both been disowned and kicked out by their parents in order to help each other survive.
I remember a few months ago, I was out walking in the evening when, unfortunately, I had a meltdown. A police car came down the street in front of me, I looked behind me only to see two other police cars pulling up behind me too, trapping me. They said they had a report of a man screaming in the street. I was keenly aware that, were I not white, I might have not survived that encounter.
Your experience with meltdowns is very close to mine. I just thought I had weird panic attacks or fits of rage, until a couple of years ago, when I finally realized that I'm autistic. I also feel a massive amount of shame, both during and after a meltdown. I'm 34, but still feel like a pathetic child whenever I get a meltdown. Especially if someone else is around to see it.
Thats normal,i mean relatable . And the eeling really sick too and , I want to say i shouldnt but too relatable. Hugs, i mean not threatening cozy hugs. Also easier to ,yeah alone.
I hide mine. I would stop them if I could, because they are physically and emotionally agonizing. I've only had one partner see them and she left me right after. I had an autistic partner and she had them in public. It actually helped me to feel less ashamed, because I knew for certain that she couldn't control them.
I was raised by a mother who wouldn’t allow us to take showers because she had a great fear of a leak in the tile and mold. She wasn’t raised with a shower and so there was no need for us to be. The side benefit of this for me as an autistic person was that I learned baths were grounding-the tub also contains me. What I mean by that is that I know I need to get in the tub when it feels like my cells are going to blow apart or I feel like a bottle of fizzy drink that’s been shook up. The bath is like releasing the cap slowly versus having it blown off with pressure. And so after I left home, even though I took a shower to wash my hair each day, I also had a soak daily and at least a couple hour soak every weekend. If my ex went out for the evening or had a trip away, I spent hours in the tub reading. Hot tea in the tub was a normal occurrence for me. It was apparently my way to keep myself grounded. (I’d never have rented a place that didn’t have a bath). I rarely had a meltdown. I had other strategies that I employed as well. One was removing myself from others when I could feel things building-one can’t always feel a meltdown coming on but you might be able to feel the shift in your ability to cope with stimulus. (I also did this at work-I worked my way into jobs where I could be away from the eyes of others and regulate myself. Before that, it was a trip to the bathroom to regain my sense of self.) I wasn’t necessarily doing all of this to avoid a meltdown, but I did stumble on removing myself after a meltdown as a pre-teen. I felt badly about my behavior. We were not a family that ever required time outs and so, I learned to time out myself in advance once I could feel a shift happening inside of me-sometimes that was just the feeling of being frayed on all of my edges. Reading was also one of my time outs or a way to ground myself. I always read before bed and read some every morning. I couldn’t read a novel in the morning as that seemed to cause me to disassociate, and so my morning reading was generally a book by a Buddhist writer. It’s true that as my health worsened (I was the working sick for most of my life-a myriad of invisible illnesses that eventually disabled me in my late 40s), I found myself taking a bath twice a day to be able to keep myself from feeling like my cells were going to blow apart-once before my shower in the morning and every evening in the year or two before full disability. Of course, I didn’t have kids and so I didn’t have the added pressures that a lot of adults experience in life. I know I hit my head against the wall when young and rocked. Don’t know what my mother did to stop that, but she thought that was related to my having ear infections; it was very likely my being autistic. When I was older, my mother told me that when I was little she learned to regulate me by patting me on a certain spot on my hip. Wish I’d learned that earlier, as to this day patting myself there does help regulate me. I think it might be advisable to ask a parent if there was anything that helped you regulate as a young kid. You never know if it might be added to one’s kit for self regulation.
I only recently discovered that my meltdowns are, indeed, meltdowns I never knew I had (or even could have) autism until very recently as an adult, so I grew up believing the narrative that I was having "tantrums". It's actually thanks to advocates on TH-cam, like yourself, that I even considered I might be autistic. So thank you. Thank you so much for doing all the work you do her on TH-cam! Also, I believe the responses are "fight", "flight", "like", "subscribe", and "support the Patreon", but the very well could be more... 😉
I love what you've done with the "fight or flight" comment and the dead, resigned look in her eyes as she said it by subverting it into something positive and helpful. You are Patreonizing instead of patronizing.
Yesterday my partner and I almost broke up because It was so scary for me seeing her have what I thought were tantrums. Glad the algorithm lead me here, it's probably so hard for her to deal with the shame of a meltdown with the people closest to her blaming her for being rude and selfish. Thanks British lady. My lovely partner and I went on a chill walk near a waterfall and I apologized for my misunderstanding. :3 you've helped me be less rude, and you've helped my partner to be blamed less for things that are already assailing her. Have a nice springtime yay.
I can remember being beaten for having a meltdown. I've been thrown out of school, forcibly withdrawn from classes, and barred from campus for them. In lower school the other kids would do whatever they could to trigger them cause it was funny. I've never in my life had anyone either treat them like they weren't my fault and I was a bad person for them or just kinda sit there and watch and never really bother to learn how to help. The idea I might have recovery time is laughable. I just figure I'm supposed to feel like in pain and exhausted all the time.
Weirdly apt time for this to drop. I was working from home on Friday, found out I made a big mistake at work and it triggered the worst meltdown I've had in a long while. I'm 27 and been on SSRIs for a year and thought I had got better 'control' of it. I was home alone luckily so no one witnessed it at least but I had to lie to my managers saying that I was throwing up to get out of work because that was easier to explain than me having a bad meltdown. Still feeling the embarrassment and dread. It made me realise that meltdowns never truly go away and there's always a risk of them. Just wish there was better support and understanding.
Well I just learned that my shutdowns could just be a form of meltdown. And it took me longer than I care to admit to learn that one of my kids was having meltdowns and not having tantrums. So much to learn. So few spoons with which to do so.
Ponderful, what a kind response. Comrade Misner, I understand about not having enough spoons; it must be even more difficult being low on spoons while trying to parent.
Thanks to the alexithymia, I can appear stoic during meltdowns as an autistic adult, then its very night I am guaranteed to have epilepsy seizures during sleep as a fashionably late response :) Thank you Mica for doing this, nice work as always
Thank you for the reminder of how painful and overwhelming it is to be misunderstood. I've been triggered by that a lot this week, and had forgotten that the harm of being misread is something that is exacerbated by being Autistic.
"The harm of being misread" I only have adhd, I believe, but I can relate strongly to *this* idea. Nothing seems to hit me harder than being misunderstood. Sometimes I can make "logical" sense, when the misunderstanding is someone thinking poorly of me or my intentions, other times it's someone not understanding an idea I have or understanding what it is that I enjoy about something (a concept or activity). Why should I be so upset when someone simply can't bridge the experience/empathy gap to understand something that I like or why I like it? (I think it's the feelings of being dismissed, being made small and insignificant in the mind of another person?)
Meltdowns are awful. I really love how you explained the cycle with stress in this. Great video for this month. May every autistic do their best to survive this month ✊
When I was a kid, I had trouble identifying what was causing my meltdowns, and this was misidentified as me "losing it over minor things". The truth is that the stress had been building in the background for some time, usually because it was too hot, the class was rowdy, the fans were making an out of sync clicking noise, my leg was itchy, and I was worried about staying focused on the lesson, so my brain was overheating trying to keep me functioning normally despite all that sensory hell. Then something minor would happen, most often I wouldn't be able to find something, I would try to apply a problem-solving capacity that had been gutted by stress, find myself utterly unable to solve the problem, panic, and break down in loud sobs asking for help, whereupon someone (usually a teacher) whose brain hadn't been burned to a crisp would yell at me for causing a disturbance, slam the thing I thought I had lost down on the desk, and then take a good minute to make sure that both I and everyone else in earshot knew what an attention-seeking fuck-up I was. But those were the mild ones. In a full-on sensory overload meltdown, which almost always occurs in a crowded, public space, I lose the ability to parse what is happening around me. It starts with disorientation and mounting anxiety. If I can, I escape at this stage, before it gets any worse. Before long, I lose the ability to speak coherently. If I get out now I'll be fine as long as I stay isolated and quiet for the rest of the day. If I can't escape, everything seems to get more and more chaotic as the world dissolves. I still see, hear, feel, and smell, but all of it is chaos. None of it means anything that I can identify. All I hear is a cacophony of meaningless noise, underscored by the kind of pain you might experience from hearing nails on a chalkboard, or microphone feedback. I see colours, shapes, and movement, not people and objects and vehicles and structures. My vision is a kaleidoscope being twisted frantically. Are the shapes coming towards me or moving away? I can't tell. Are any of them threats? By now I'm panicking so probably, my brain says. Yes, they are all threats. A stranger brushes against me in the crowd and I scream as though I'm being murdered. I know I'm overreacting, on some level I know that this is humiliating, but I need it to stop, NOW, and I'm helpless and afraid. I need to find a solid surface to press myself against, to anchor myself. A wall, preferably, but in a pinch the floor will do. I can't navigate the space I'm in, I'm feeling blindly because none of the raw data my eyes are sending to my brain is being processed into actionable intelligence. I'm lucky if I can even stay upright while moving because my proprioception isn't exactly strong when I CAN situate myself mentally in my surroundings. It won't get better until I'm isolated and able to close my eyes and press my face against a solid surface and slowly piece my awareness back together. It feels like I have been inside a continual explosion. Recovery feels like drawing a thousand splinters out of my mind. I can still feel my heartbeat like a shockwave. Only now do I notice that my whole body is unbearably tense. As soon as I can understand language again, I'm made aware of how embarrassing I am by whoever I was with at the time. I'm still grateful to them for getting me out. I thank them, and apologise. From painful, learned experience, I don't try to explain. Their mortification is the real tragedy here, and I shouldn't diminish what they just had to go through by making it about me. I go home as soon as possible and sleep for fourteen hours, because I'm lazy, you see.
I seem to be on the intersection between autism and PTSD/C-PTSD, and honestly... I have difficulty seperating melt downs from flash-backs/panic attacks related to trauma, especially if its related to my childhood abuse since I'm mentally reverted back into being a child, and my body reacts accordingly. I lose my ability to speak with both, it seems. I wonder how many other neurodivergent people feel that way...
I haven't watched the video yet (But I will) but I have something I think is very relevant. As soon as I moved out of my parents house, I literally stopped having meltdowns period. It's been almost four years. It made me realize meltdowns aren't some innate thing, they're the result of prolonged and constant stress that we're told to repress. If you remove that stress, you remove the meltdowns.
I have found that environment plays a rather large role in the frequency, severity, and recovery time of my meltdowns as well. The more stable my environment, the less often I suffer meltdowns & the quicker I can recover. Glad you have a better situation. I hope it stays that way for you✨️
I remember my parents accusing me of being manipulative and forcing me to wash the dishes one time, and because of other stressors and starting to have a meltdown from doing it, I almost tried to drown myself in the water.I went on to explain that happening to my parents, and they accused me of saying this for attention and that I just didn't WANT to wash the dishes. See, the thing is, I LIKE doing this with a purpose, a task, but I still have to have the right circumstances to do it. And in that moment, it was too much. That's how it is for so SO many things. When I finally got diagnosed with autism, adhd, whatever else, my parents didn't believe me at first, thinking I was manipulating them when I just wanted accommodations. Getting told that, and being told that whatever strong feeling I had that I could only describe in extremes due to miscommunication, that not having games to play or things to do made me think about harming myself (something that I have had the ability to keep myself from doing, thankfully), was a lie because I never went through with it. Just because I'm not actually doing it doesn't make those feelings any worse in the moment. And that's something I need people to understand. The frustration I've had with doctors, case workers, and even my therapist before she understood me better! It's the situation and the pain making those thoughts happen, and I needed THOSE dealt with. Not the fact I had those thoughts in the first place. And being misunderstood by people who were supposed to be helping me, not even my parents, made the overwhelming feelings of having a breakdown or a meltdown even worse. Thankfully my parents understand now, but the hurt they instilled in me never went away, to the point of me pushing them away at times just because of being reminded of that. When they talk to me when I'm not ready to talk, I can't hear them. Not for a lack of trying, but their words are nothing. I get overwhelmed because of that trauma, the trauma of being autistic and not being treated like a person. Then they end up hurt because I'm overwhelmed or overstimulated then I push them away because of it... It's frustrating when I'm recovering from a meltdown and being treated like because it's been a day since it happened that I'm fine to listen to how to cook food well, when I am food repulsed for the most part, textures and smells being oppressive at times. It drives me up a wall! Where because my mom shows affection through food, that because I said I liked something she made I WANT to talk about food. I NEVER want to talk about food. Heck, I would mask here at home because of my autism just not being understood, and whenever it slips off due to being overwhelmed I get treated like I'm being mean for no reason. It can be insufferable living with someone, especially when they don't get it, especially when they scrape a pan and it hurts and act like you're being unreasonable. I can't stress how much being autistic and having these sensory issues have kept me from doing basic things like vacuuming because of how LOUD the vacuum can be, and I don't have headphones that I can plug into my phone anymore due to the ones my mom bought me when I asked being USB headphones. Little things like that... I could go on forever...
I'm hugely grateful to the EYEBALLS for directing me to your wonderful channel a couple of months back, and have since been slowly and delightedly working my way through your content. Thank you too for your powerful description of an autistic meltdown, something I, as a mildly autistic person, have never experienced. Just one question: Why show us a screenshot of the Wikipedia article on Spoon Theory and tell us to GOOGLE Spoon Theory? Anyone who's ever Googled a person, event, or identifiable subject of any kind knows the relevant Wikipedia article is the very thing that comes up, so why not just go straight to Wikipedia and deny Google the traffic? Once again, love your stuff x
@@Ember_Green Nothing to be sorry for. Everybody suggests Googling things, so it's not meant as a criticism of you. I just wish we, as a society, could move away from using Google as the default source of information. Of course this whole interaction is taking place on a platform owned by by...
@@stothsam Especially since "just Google it" means that someone doing the search is likely to be getting a lot of unvetted and unverified information which could be wildly inaccurate, or outright propaganda. Unfortunately, with controversial topics, the most popular results are often the most problematic, because those are the ones that get the highest "engagement". There's also the problem that different sources have different emphasis, or different target audiences, so someone not familiar with a topic could find a page full of good info, but which is also full of technical jargon or other difficult-to-understand language. It's unfortunate that that's become the default response to just about every inquiry. I mean, I get it, it's hard having to deal with constant demands from people to educate them on a subject, especially since a lot of those demands are definitely not done in good faith, so it's easier to just tell them to go look it up (especially when it's a fairly well-known or non-controversial topic). I've been guilty of that myself. But ultimately I think it does more harm than good. I've started to put together sets of resources on particularly topics I get asked about a lot; so that way I can just direct people to a single link to a Google Doc or something that has my list of sources. Oh, and I'm also here by command of Lord Oculon.
We need you so much. Please don't burn yourself out and take care. This video of yours is yet another life savior for me, and many others I guess. I'm sending it to my whole medical team. In France we don't even have a word for meltdown, at least not one that I'd know of, and they're still like "you've had a... what?" when I try to tell them about my week. Thank you so much for all the work, but please be well, that has to always come first.
Thank you so much for what you do ❤️ Talking with an autistic friend the other week, he said it can be really hard to distinguish autism and the symptoms of trauma in some areas bc the Venn diagram of autistic people & people w trauma is a circle, at least with how things are right now. Of course you feel shame when you’ve been shamed for having meltdowns. Of course being misunderstood is terrifying and upsetting, being judged, blamed, mocked or worse for things you can’t control is traumatic. I’ve learned so much from your work, especially as I come to terms with being neurodivergent myself. Keep fighting the good fight and taking care of yourself, those things are not separate ❤️
Also lol just looked up where “fighting the good fight” comes from cus it keeps coming to mind but I was worried it was coined by a fascist or something, looks like it’s a Christian phrase so to be clear, not a Christian, but I am reclaiming that phrase and using it to include fighting all forms of dehumanization including religious abuse :)
I cannot imagine having meltdowns with that much frequency. I've only had two meltdowns in my 28 years on this planet that I remember, and the first one was when the best friend I ever had was forced away from me by her abusive boyfriend, and the second was when the dog I grew up with died. It took me days to recover enough to feel like myself again both times, but that didn't stop me from having to take a differential equations exam the same day as my first meltdown. I thought I would have another one in the exam room, but thankfully I had studied for it like crazy and managed to get through it, but that could easily have been very bad. Thanks for talking about your experience. Sending love.
For what it's worth, I'm incredibly Proud of you dear friend! ❤️ Insightful, knowledgeable, honest and real. I'd expect nothing less of you. I look forward to watching and learning more. X
Since I dropped out from university, trying to get my second bachelor, I've been downward spiraling for almost a year now. From the frontal cortex zapping to the brain bees and also the nausiating tinnitus, all are things returning that I knew too well from when I was depressed as a teen (back then I used to hit my head against the wall). I'm so scared I might actually just seek attention or some sort of personal gain, but in the end my only motivation for my meltdowns is just stress, I don't think. That's the point. I sincerely thank you for your videos. They give me clarity and I feel seen when watching them, they teach me to be less hard to myself because the person I blame most always myself...
Thanks for this video. You explain it so clearly! As a recently diagnosed autistic person I seem to overestimate myself a lot leading to meltdowns and for someone to explain them this clearly I learn more about myself and my functioning. Now I understand them better I’ll likely deal with them better in the future. Thanks a lot! 🖤
I love Boba! Seriously, there aren't enough good videos of autistic meltdowns from adult female perspectives. Mine are quite similar except that I conditioned very early by an abusive father and brother who knew I was different and who hated people who are different from them, and had no understanding of autism at all, that when having a meltdown my survival depended on taking up as little space and making as little noise as possible. I'm wondering if the woman whose stimming video you are referring to is the same one that was one of the keys to understanding as a 43 year old that I am autistic, as she also unplugged (writer and blogger Cynthia Kim). I really like the emphasis you've placed on the awful history of autism advocacy and why doing it right is so exhausting yet so important. You are a treasure 💜
it's so funny how the dishes are always a topic of discussion, because for me, i hate the sound of a dishwasher more than anything in the world, it lasts forever and i can never know when it's close to end. then there's the problem that if an item is out of sight, it is out of mind and i would often spend hours or days looking for a single tool to cook and put off cooking altogether only to find it in the dishwasher 3 months later because i got sidetracked from putting things away, or worse, i never hit start on it and i just found a molded over sifter
I'm too "high functioning" for my father to see my "autism or adhd or anxiety or whatever I want to call it" as a problem and he's let me be homeless in a tent and keeps insisting I've never proving myself to be "not dangerous"
@@jodiblackman7838 I've found housing but like every property in red states, it's falling apart because we're in late stage land lording and buildings are about to start collapsing
This is really interesting! my own meltdowns feel pretty different. I don't get the brain bees or the head hurting. Something happens to set it off and I don't usually even register anything consciously, I'm just screaming and I lose all voluntary motion control, it feels like being possessed a little bit, and it feels like my chest is caving in. that's where the pain usually centers for me. I love all the info, and it was all highly relatable, especially the recovery section.
I had been convinced for so long that I just had horrible mood swings and a poorly controlled temper, and after a mood stabilizing medication did very little to affect it consistently, and after watching this video in its entirety, I'm now thinking I've just been having meltdowns instead and I'm not sure where to go from there because I don't really know what causes them. I seem to have it happen at times where it doesn't make sense that there would be any type of overstimulation, but things that one would think would put me on edge for a meltdown don't always do that (for example, washing dishes is complete sensory hell for me but usually if I do have a meltdown from it, it's about an hour later after having a depressive-episode-turned-meltdown because my bad back put me in so much pain from standing at the sink for upwards of 45 minutes. Sometimes a meltdown happens because I'm having trouble with an unreliable Google search for something that should be really easy to find. I don't know what the trigger is :/)
I've spent a lifetime accepting a diagnosis of BiPolar II and OCD, Pre-Menstrual Dysphoria Disorder and Social Phobia. Now after listening to so many adult women with Autism, I think that has been the underlying problem. So much of it started in early childhood with wanting to be left alone to read and think, and being forced to go to school and deal with the over-stimulation of noisy children and demanding teachers. I felt so guilty that I couldn't control my rages and crying fits, which were exhausting and took hours to recover from. I don't see much point in a formal diagnosis at this point, and I'll just stay on my meds, since anxiety and depression still seem to be a never-ending condition for me. I do feel I understand myself better with the idea of Autism explaining so much of my unpleasant personality traits and emotional state.
for me it feels like being a passenger and someone else is driving the bus, I can still observe and feel and do nothing. I use that ringtone as wake up alarm LOL
Thank you so much for making this video, Mica! Very helpful in understanding what a meltdown is. One question I have for you: if you're someone who is an ally and see someone autistic struggling with one, is there anything particularly helpful to do? I mean, obviously don't film it. That...jesus, I feel like that shouldn't be said but...well, here we are. I imagine asking that person in the moment doesn't help because, well, brain bees.
If it's someone you don't know well, not really. Just give them space & remove anything dangerous. If you know what's causing the meltdown & can do something about that, without touching them, then maybe do that. If you know them well enough, ask during a calm time what their needs are. Personally, I appreciate tissues & water being made available, but that's it really. Never touch or try to restrain as you'll only risk hurting yourself or them. Afterwards, removing any pressure or burdens from them would be great (like offering to call in sick for them or cancelling plans you might have had) 😊
I'm honestly so happy for you because of your dishwasher. My neuro divergent so hates washing up so I know how liberating it can be to have that cushion.
I've studied ptsd from trauma towards understanding my survival mode and Window of Tolerance. I've learned how disconnected my prefrontal cortex has been. I'm somewhat aware of the Vagus Nerve and my physical responses. Adding autism has shown me there are so many emotional situations. Way too many. And sudden loud noise! Arggghhhhh I just heard the feedback loop. It's been so isolating to avoid possible harm.
Pretty accurate description of meltdown for me, as a late diagnosed AuDHD. Thanks for the video, it helps understanding as I feel like I keep having to explain my AuDHD constantly, even to my GP. You don't get much explanations about what it is and how it affects your body and mind... it really isolating and frustrating...
I probably won't get to this for a few months because it's a topic I'm sensitive about so I'll procrastinate on watching it and then when I do watch it I'll be like "wtf i should have watched this earlier it was so good" but I wanted to comment for the algo and thank you for making it and encourage and support etc
Nah I'm actually gonna watch it now: -I'm sorry you've been having meltdowns lately, things have been really stressful lately, especially if you're a Missouri away from a war, that's really scary -yes the meltdowns aren't tantrums point is very important as is the defense of kids who throw tantrums! It was frustrating how people thought I could control my meltdowns when I couldn't at all and needed to be soothed/comforted, not vilified! -I worry about my cat Captain's stress level all the time omg -BUT WHAT ABOUT AUTISM lol i love that -Literally put this in my "media to get me" playlist and I'm probably gonna send it to like everyone close to me -Obsessed with this glad I'm watching it the day it comes out -I'll call autism "Everything happens so much" because that's how it feels for me a lot of the time, which can even be a good thing! But really sucks when it's a bad thing. -I really gotta get checked for hypermobile EDS... and I know someone else who's both autistic and hypermobile too -YES THE THING ABOUT MOOD DISORDERS i thought i had bipolar 2 for YEARS because I'd sometimes feel intensely great or intensely terrible but I think it's a reaction to things happening in my body and environment like my blood sugar or the weather etc -seeing how I was punished for my autistic meltdowns and knowing how it's even more vilified in people who don't have some of the privileges I have... like the intersection between racism and ableism is so deadly and we all need to do something about it -I've been so lucky to be able to order uber eats because I have been incapable of feeding myself. It's not a good financial decision, but I can do it, and that's such a necessary accommodation that I wish more people had because for us it isn't as much of a luxury -I wish I had a dishwasher but I will say that GLOVES for doing dishes has been the biggest game changer for me, especially because I couldn't do them AND couldn't communicate to my roommates WHY I couldn't do them -Your description of a meltdown is so good! I will say for me I relate to it a lot, but I'll often scream and like be really mean and tear my hair out and all. Like the words I need to say are swears and I'll bite myself and stuff because that feels like it'll help in that irrational state of brain bees. -I NEED to shower after a meltdown, or even really after crying heavily. It's like a ritual thing, even if I've already showered I'll probably shower. And omg yes the dehydration after... and the EMBARRASSMENT KILL ME OMG -I wish I had a bathtub omg -"I don't feel like myself in a meltdown" YEAH. God if footage of one of my meltdowns ever goes public.... check in on me bc i would not be doin well!!!! -The bit about superheroes saklfjdsklzafjdslafkds (it's also funny because I'm talking to a friend about autistic batman right now) (Also damian wayne is absolutely autistic and he's a more compelling character when read that way) -I had male relatives learn they were autistic and I'd been thinking "well I could be, but probably not because I'm good at acting" and then I saw a video about a woman talking about masking and I was like "oh that's me" lol -BEING MISUNDERSTOOD IS SUCH A TRIGGER YES Thank you soso sosoosososo so so so SO much for this video. Sending it to like everyone because it does such a good job of explaining so much!!! I'm really happy I actually saw this one the day it was posted. I'm inspired, thank you Mica
I'm so glad you liked it!! I was worried about it being too triggering, but it seems like I got the tone OK. Thank you for the comments, I never know how/if people will relate until the comments come in 😊 (and thank you for sharing omg) 💜
Thanks for sharing, Mica! I had no idea what it was like from the inside (aside from isolating and painful in general). I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time, and I'm glad you felt comfortable letting yourself rest! BOBA 🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛
So so so incredible. Your calm and clear delivery with the music too makes you such a brilliant speaker and your content quality is always tremendous. Thank you for the effort put in with editing, timestamps, your own spoons and just all of it! I will share this more throughout the month as it is so invaluable. I have a question; Have you considered or done any speaking engagements in physical spaces or is that not your thing? I am in total alignment with needing everyone, not just us as autistic/otherwise neurodivergent people, to speak up and shift the tides. Have you, or anyone reading this, heard of the Intersectional Infinity Summit? Lots of amazing content recorded including live chats, Twitter Spaces etc and I think that you'd make amazing contributions if that was ever possible. I am not in charge of events, just a thought. But yeah, thank you so much for this, Ponderful. May we continue to rise up, together, and reshape the narrative. Love to you and yours.
Another great video. Definitely relate to the transformative power of the dishwasher! I find washing dishes incredibly stressful. Also re being misunderstood - and when people seemingly deliberately misunderstand me and then don’t allow for rectification. So frustrating. I’m lucky that my meltdowns have lessened in frequency and intensity as I’ve got a bit older - not sure why or if that is common. Thanks for having the courage to share your experience and make these videos.
@pnderful This 1:47 is why I have a problem with the word meltdown. Typically meltdown is a synonym for tantrum. That is how I grew up hearing it referred to. I was diagnosed at 30yr so that is where I am coming from, etc. To me it's all mixed up with panic attacks, and shutdowns. That is why, I would prefer to call a meltdown, a breakdown instead. To me that is what it feels like to me. If we come together we can get the writers of the DSM to reconsider their choose of language.
I had to work in a grocery store for 5 years, and I ended up feeling this every day, and dissociating heavily in order to stop myself from screaming and falling to the floor and wanting to hurt myself. That wouldn't have exactly been very professional... By the time that I had no choice but to quit, I just wanted to stop existing. Constantly. Was coming close to self-deletion about twice a month. It's been a year since then, and I'm still recovering, and just found out that I'm autistic. It was horrifying to not understand why I was in so much constant mental pain, or why I couldn't cope with seemingly normal things. Thank you for your videos, they're really helping me to feel less alone in this. :)
Wow. Only just found the time to sit and watch this. Commenting this late seems a little redundant, but hopefully the additional engagement helps get this excellent video a few more views! Thank you so much for daring to share your meltdown experiences. Few commentators want to cover this head on, for obvious reasons, and none I've seen to date do so as well as you do here. My own meltdowns in adulthood are nowhere near as severe as yours, but it literally sent chills down my spine hearing your account. Almost identical to what I experienced during my childhood and especially my late teenage years. At the time I was diagnosed with 'extreme migraines', dosed on every painkiller, and every doctor had a different 'theory' as to the cause. Only after Autism diagnosis at 40 did I look back and think about the context and stresses that tended to precede those 'migraines'. Also, the pain-crazed-self-harm thing. Finally somebody else on the verbal end of the spectrum talks about it. I have honestly wondered at times if that was just me and non verbal autistic people. Thank you!
I can't really say I ever had meltdowns (I don't know if I'm autistic either). I'm very good at keeping myself together even if I'm in great emotional or physical stress, like I've literally been called "so tough" all my life and I think it's the thing that has kept me alive since my body is kinda good at keeping me alive. Not showing me any borders besides the borders where I'd be falling if I'd cross it, so I can keep myself safe and am pretty good at communicating to others when I need space. But even when these don't get respected I mostly dissociate and it's not really showing when I do that. God, I dissociate so much, I feel like I'm living half my life in dissociation. And I know the pain you describe after a meltdown, I have had that sometimes over prolonged periods of time and I get very su*c*dal when I do. But I mean su*c*dal thoughts kinda just are for me, I don't give them the attention they want me to give them because otherswise they'll just get worse. They are just a symptom of the many things that are not okay at all. And they are so much of a comfort that it makes me angry (yeah, see, my body being good at keeping me alive).
The bees in your brain. I used to call it the banshees in my head. Your phrase had better alliteration. When I tried to explain my experience to mental health services I got labelled as psychotic which didn't help. It wasn't until I watched something about autistics being late or misdiagnosed that set the ball rolling. It still took several years for me to accept, do, get seen, then get confirmed as autistic.
I really appreciate this video. It was one of the most informative and helpful in understanding a subject that indeed is very difficult to find from the perspective of an actual autistic person, rather than from a parent.
Thanks so much for your videos Mica!!!! I learnt so much from them, I keep coming back to take notes in order to persue my formal diagnosis because of how relatable your experience is. I describe the (what I now suspect are) meltdowns as a feeling of being under siege. Like being attacked from all angles (senses) until they start collapsing, much like a sentient spaceship's life support (Farscape Pilot&Moya). Not only the first visuals and shields are gone, but vitals and communications too, command is off so I cannot navigate, map, nor triangulate the location of stressors to implement defensive/offensive manouvers, hyperspeed is not an option so I have to deploy a decoy and reboot. Most often than not this leaves me floating in space because the ships in the cuadrant don't have their comms synched to my frequency so they missed the distress call. I see what you mean now about having those epiphanies. Pls keep doing what you do, because this is proof that it helps people. It helped me understand myself and my life and gave me an actual reason to engage in my interests with more pride.
Edit: I'm also autistic just wanted to highlight sensory differences I was always forced to wash the dishes cos my older sibling (also autistic) hated the sensory experience. And I actually really like it now it feels very ritualistic, but I understand the bighate
Thanks for sharing your experiences with this, Ponderful. So hard for those of us who don't experience this to relate, so your perspective is so valuable.
I interpreted that spoon reference as meaning that you're trying to cook and looking for a literal spoon to cook with, not finding any, and then the stress of not knowing what to do now eats into your metaphorical spoons of which you already have none left either. I'm not sure if the pun was intended, but it was definitely appreciated.
The fact that I understood what you meant by spoons. The exact right one's that I use for cooking vs the spoons for mixing vs the ones I use for ice cream.
I love you. I love your videos. The amount of insight you've given me into my own brain in just a single morning is incredible. I'm crying both because I'm sad, and because your videos are putting so much into perspective for me. Thank you for doing the work you do
Yeah, the great boba graces us with his presence. He makes u smile. Cats r such good pals. They're such funny characters. I was recently noticing that if a person comes close to me, like if they come in the room i don't necessarily want to interact but if an animal comes i want to say hi and interact positively, mood is elevated
i have sensory overload very very often but meltdowns are quite rare for me. the first one i remember i was on the floor hitting myself and crying and my mum told me to stop being over dramatic and i was on the ground for hours. it just kept not going away. it wasn’t on purpose and i didn’t want it to happen in front of her.
Meltdowns are not tantrums, it’s someone being so stressed/overwhelmed they lash out. Just yesterday I had a shutdown because a kid was eating loudly in class. It was not used to gain anything, like tantrums. It was me being so stressed I was trying to rip out my veins. I was yelling at whoever went too close me.
I'm so happy someone else has used the "brain bees" metaphor. Cause for me, meltdowns absolutely feel like a hive of angry bees are buzzing in my head.
Just to add experiences: my meltdowns begin with warning signs. Anxiety, tiredness, grumpiness at people. If I can't get myself to a safe situation soon, I end up having a meltdown. I am very good at managing my spoons before I get to meltdown territory, or even get the warning signal. I haven't had one in months. When I get a meltdown, my vision becomes myopic. My vision suddenly zooms in to the point that I'll only be seeing the world one leaf of one tree 10 feet away at a time. My senses become pinpoint. I can see light bleeding around the corners of my blackout blinds with my eyes closed 20 feet away, *at night*. I often don't have the energy or ability to get up for water, food, or the bathroom. They usually last about 1-2 hours if I'm in the best position for recovery: blackout curtains, no scents (I use an odor cancelling spray that leaves no scent), in bed, no clothes, 2 pairs of noise cancelling headphones, good temperature room, no fans, no light. For me, recovery If I've had a bad one, can take as much as 2-3 weeks. Mild ones take only a day or two. During that time, I'm more prone to have another meltdown. However, I'm able to hold my meltdown back until I'm in private. This ends up making the meltdown worse when it does happen, but in some situations better (vs having a meltdown in a bustling store, which would be excruciating and prolong the meltdown).
Thank you so much for this video. I don't have the pain like that connected to a meltdown. I have it separately. But it definitely feels like there is a massive electrical shock, tinnitus and my vision goes black. It only lasts for a second or two. This happened while driving once and I no longer drive because it scared me so much. I've wondered if it was a seizure disorder. Apparently it is not per my neurologist but I'm using a seizure tracker just to try to help me learn about it. I'm going to start looking for possible triggers now. My meltdowns usually stem from me feeling like I cannot get away from _______ (insert whatever is making me feel cornered). Where I don't have control of a situation.
I don't know if I ever had a meltdown I might have but they are werry similar to panic attacks idk what I remember is werry foggy memory just like going in and out of conciencesnes (sorry for the spelling isnt good) or like blacking out and then back in I cry uncontrololebly Im bearly vocal I hated them because people manly teachers just makeing me go somewhere and I can't do anything its annoying. Once my mother was screaming at me again about I don't remember (she is preatty abusive I think) it was night soo I was tired and first I tryed to walk away I ended up in my bed hiting my head on my knee she then stoped me I don't remember more uggghhhh sorry just needed to vent about this.
Great video. I want to mention that ADHDers and people with others neurological conditions can also have meltdowns. Like you said not all people who have meltdowns are autistic. I just wanted to mention ADHD because i have ADHD, associated with Neurofibromatosis type 1, and i had a few meltdowns when i was a child.
Thank you for the amount of care and work that goes into your videos. I can relate immensely...meltdowns can be so awful 😞Wishing you safety💕 Side note: I love your star wars destination posters!
I had a boyfriend who used to enjoy watch me having a meltdown! he got me at the point of screaming while my hands were shaking and my body crumbled as I started crying: he said he was happy to see me like that because, in his words I was "hiding my emotions". Meltdowns are less recurrent with the time pass, but he knew how to create that scenario (I told him about my diagnosis and the situations that made me have one, because I trusted him)
I have 2 questions. 1-Where do I find that list of comorbidities, that you scrolled through, please? And 2-Have you got an answer on why your hands and wrists hurt? Because this is a huge, painful issue for me and it's just getting worse and worse and doctors don't believe me, because they find nothing...it must be psychosomatic, but I dont think so. 🙄😢 other than that I like how you explain things. First Video I've seen 😊
Trans aspie here, thank you so much for this. I was taught for so long that meltdown and tantrum were one and the same that I treated them as such and internalized what was said about me.
How do you all convince yourself to take baths while struggling with transitions? I really struggle to get in there even though it would be so helpful to take one once in a while to relax and calm down, so I'd appreciate any advice
im autistic and thank you for talking about how harmful it is to film meltdowns mine were filmed and put on the radio show (at least thats what i was told) as a kid and that was traumatic
2:29 from my understanding the difference is meltdowns come from overwhelming stress etc vs tantrums come from not getting what you want. A meltdown is akin to when a baby can’t stop crying cuz they’re super hungry and so everything is awful vs a tantrum is what happens when mom tells her up till now we’ll behaved 6 yo she won’t buy the latest hot wheels car. They out of context look the same but when you actually look at the situations it’s clear they’re vastly different. I think the stigma around it comes from the fact that most people associate meltdowns with very small children as small children have meltdowns due to extreme hunger and being overly tired and adults who experience the same/similar often times have to hide it.
i don't really have meltdowns often if at all, i have panic attacks and shutdowns. just the other day i had a shutdown so bad i fell on the kitchen floor and couldn't talk or move, and my partner had to carry me over to the bean bag chair (which i am so thankful for bc it was so helpful resting somewhere so comfortable)
This was helpful for me (as an allistic) to better understand what an autistic meltdown feels like. But I would really like to see a followup from Ponderful on how we as allistic ppl can better use our privilege to support the autistic ppl in our lives interpersonally & societally. The latter is likely going to be harder, as diff nation-states have diff policies. But I do want to better improve my allyship w/ autistic ppl in a way that's not just "Don't support autism speaks" & "Abolish capitalism". Those are both good goals, but I would like to do more.
great stuff, thank you for that. 10:03 there’s a misspelling in subtitles “artistic” instead of “autistic” (and maybe in other places too). which is kinda beautiful, but not precise much ;)
Warning that I am about to break down my own experiences with this. My own meltdowns have been equally excruciating. They don’t start the same way, but they devolve into me recoiling into the fetal position. Sobbing inconsolably. There have been occasions where the only response I have to it, is to just… scream. I’m very fortunate I’m not experiencing them especially often, but when it’s done, it leaves me… empty. It’s like I’m not even here. I’ve also had experiences with leaden paralysis, a condition that leaves you literally unable to move. Which gets its name from the sensation it puts on you. Like your body is being pulled down, or crushed by a ton of weight. I’ve had this happen in front of managers. I’ve had them just watch, and stare. I’ve had coworkers look at me like I’m insane, and begin to avoid me. I’ve lost so many jobs from this. This stuff is not a joke. It’s something that has to be taken seriously by people who don’t experience this stuff themselves very often. I don’t know where to even start with that… but you know.
My meltdowns aren’t as severe, but they tend to take forever to recover from… I get migraines and I had times where I would have the photophobia and hyperacusis like during a migraine, but it didn’t feel the same… my head wasn’t pounding, but I couldn’t filter anything… I couldn’t process what people were saying… my tinnitus would get so loud… it became difficult to organise my thoughts in such a way that I could communicate and I would have to take a lot of time to compose what I needed to say before saying trying to speak… it tends to happen when I am stressed about something and getting past the worst of it is more or less the same as a working through a migraine… so I just assumed it was like a variant of a migraine or like migraine aura that never progressed to full migraine… sometimes I would get a migraine after the episodes so it wasn’t too much of a stretch. Pretty sure that is just what my meltdowns look like. I’m still basically useless as a human being at that point, but I have enough function left to remove myself from present situation… I had such a meltdown like three days ago and I’m still rather out of it… unable to really focus on the things that I need to without falling back into that same headspace.
I've had meltdowns since I was very young. When I was little it maifested as fits of rage due to overstimulation. Now I cry and even scream uncontrollably which is super embarassing. I'm in college! I should be mature! I've learned, however, that being autistic doesnt mean im immature or childlike, i just process things differently and get overloaded.
thank you for the video, i think i will need to do more research on what meltdowns are like vs panic attacks. I have to reevaluate some of my episodes in the past and wonder if they were melt downs or not. Either way it's perspective that everyone should learn about/have.
Watching this again because reasons... 😉 Thank you for giving this very personal account; a lot of it resonated with my experience of autism, and led me to think about that again in new ways ❤️
13:34 Ah yes, I could write books about this. I mean for me it worked out to get my thoughts and behaviors under control. But it is way harder to keep balance than any NT could imagine. If I am not 100% the best psychological "self" and there is any tear in my mood, I will have a difficult day and either expect a meltdown or an overload.
Thanks. I'm on the spectrum as well. I've learned to hate washing dishes, but that's mainly due to other people's singular & inevitable reaction to how slowly I do it. Why that's a problem, I don't know. I've no idea why someone else has to put me on a stopwatch. If they're not doing it, why should they care? But they do. They always do. Consequently, I'd rather vacuum AND do laundry, than have to wash the dishes. I always get them clean - whereas other's often don't - but apparently that counts for precisely nothing. I've gotten sick of this over the years, and simply don't do them anymore, save if I'm alone. tavi.
For the (34:05) "tendancy of the internet to be extra abusive towards women and fem people", I would say "people who aren't cis men", rather than "women and fem people", since more people than just women and "fem" (I assume short for feminine/femme) experience misogyny, and we are just as affected by it as women and people who are feminine/femme. (edit to specify since I forgot: I am nonbinary, not a woman, not fem/femme/feminine, but still very much the victim of misogyny, and trans men also still face misogyny.) "People who are the victims of misogyny" shouldn't be reduced to "women and feminine" people, since a lot of people aren't women or feminine, and we're still subjected to misogyny just as much as they are.
This is a good video choice for autism awareness month. Relatable for autistic folks, and educational for allistic folks. But not preachy, you know? Kind of sad and serious. I think something that's made for autism awareness month should make allistic folks uncomfortable, which I think this video succeeds in doing.
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I REPEAT: This video contains ONE autistic person's experience of meltdowns. Please do not assume anything about any other autistic person based on my account. Not all autistic people have meltdowns & not all people who have meltdowns are autistic.
The word "meltdown" has been a severe trigger for me for most of my life, because when I was growing up, my mother would use the term constantly to belittle me, while simultaneously not understanding anything about what it was.
I would be crying on the floor and hitting myself til I had a week-long headache, and she would just say "Yeah, she's having a meltdown. Just ignore her, don't give the brat the attention she wants."
I assumed I had some sort of narcissistic obsession with attention for years, and I hated myself for it. Because I was taught, over and over, that meltdowns are just me being a mean rude autistic kid who wants your constant attention, because she's not empathetic enough to understand that other people deserve attention too.
Even after I escaped her, it's what everyone I met would assume as well. It had to be right, because I was outnumbered a million to one on what I must be doing, so clearly I was the one who didn't understand it, not them.
Thank you so much for explaining the truth to people. Especially people like me who were brainwashed not to recognize their own innocence, and may still hate themselves because of it. It's important.
Thanks for sharing your experience. That's so upsetting... to anyone trying to listen It's a powerful message that *something* has to change, NOW. No one deserves that treatment, it's hard to imagine what kind of hole that would gouge out of your soul...
I hope you've found ways to fill that hole back in with self compassion and healthy, caring, relationships.
Your comment is very relatable unfortunately.
It's hard to see the lies you're taught from birth, especially lies about yourself :(
This was really touching. Thank you for sharing
Washing dishes IS sensory hell. Imagine how hard it is to convince your family that your aversion to dish washing is primarily due to the noises and sensations, rather than just being lazy! Dishes clinking together is one of my triggers.
Welcome to the ADHD club. Being autistic and having ADHD, in my experience, is like having a constant tug-of-war in your brain - one side demands predictability and structure, and the other side demands novelty and variety. If your experience is similar, I hope you can find a balance that works for you.
It sucks how difficult it is to explain to people how horrible the experience is to people who don't process it that way. Another thing I struggle with is that no one understands the sensory chaos and torture of taking a shower is for me. Baths are great, but I've frequently found myself in situations where only showers are possible.
Ugh the combo of dishes unexpectedly/accidentally clinking against each other and the squeaky feeling of wet plates literally makes me want to vomit and scream
The only way I have been able to actually convince people is when they are people I know, and just actively describing what having sensory issues are like.
If someone dismisses it or says "oh its not that bad", I make sure to reitterate that they are full of shit and just assuming that my brain works like theirs, which it doesnt.
Desribing how certain smells straight up send me into reverse seizure mode, my brain firing off at a million miles an hour while on the outside, I probably dont look that different beyond being a bit tense, until you try and talk to me and you get the verbal equivilant of throwing up.
Most people get it, and those that dont generally are not my freinds anymore. There is also the smaller sensory issues, which are harder for people to grasp. No, my aversion to bad textures is not normal, and what you think is a bit of an overreaction is me trying not to throw whatever I am eating into the window, while cleaning my mouth out with enough alcohol to dull whatever sensation it was. There are only a few that are completely uncontrollable, they are easy to describe, but the ones where I can mitigate it if I want to but still are suffering to experience are incredibly hard to get neurotypical people to understand.
Yes. Also, gloves and earplugs and/or over ear hearing protection. I never liked not being able to do something, and found out that observation of my sensory issues and creativity helps me find work arounds.
@@audiopainter68 Personally, gloves have always given me more sensory issues than the dishes themselves, bit the ear protection thing is 100% necessary. It's part of why I have noise cancelling headphones
Thank you for directly addressing privilege. I met so many other autistics (I suspect) while I was homeless. Meltdowns were a direct cause of my homelessness and got me kicked out of shelters too (long story). Housed now and haven't had a meltdown in months....
This is very real to me. I have been homeless a couple times recently and being in that condition is extremely difficult for an autistic person to have to exist in. I paired up with two other neurodivergent trans women who had both been disowned and kicked out by their parents in order to help each other survive.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Your example proves how effective a "housing first" policy is.
I remember a few months ago, I was out walking in the evening when, unfortunately, I had a meltdown. A police car came down the street in front of me, I looked behind me only to see two other police cars pulling up behind me too, trapping me. They said they had a report of a man screaming in the street.
I was keenly aware that, were I not white, I might have not survived that encounter.
@FearlessSon you just wouldn't have
O dear, that's terrible that u had to deal with that. Getting kicked out of a shelter that sucks. They didn't understand that it was a meltdown?
Your experience with meltdowns is very close to mine. I just thought I had weird panic attacks or fits of rage, until a couple of years ago, when I finally realized that I'm autistic. I also feel a massive amount of shame, both during and after a meltdown. I'm 34, but still feel like a pathetic child whenever I get a meltdown. Especially if someone else is around to see it.
I rarely have them and I share that shame or embarrassment if anyone is around to see it happen. Hugs.
Thats normal,i mean relatable . And the eeling really sick too and ,
I want to say i shouldnt but too relatable.
Hugs, i mean not threatening cozy hugs.
Also easier to ,yeah alone.
I hide mine. I would stop them if I could, because they are physically and emotionally agonizing. I've only had one partner see them and she left me right after. I had an autistic partner and she had them in public. It actually helped me to feel less ashamed, because I knew for certain that she couldn't control them.
I was raised by a mother who wouldn’t allow us to take showers because she had a great fear of a leak in the tile and mold. She wasn’t raised with a shower and so there was no need for us to be. The side benefit of this for me as an autistic person was that I learned baths were grounding-the tub also contains me. What I mean by that is that I know I need to get in the tub when it feels like my cells are going to blow apart or I feel like a bottle of fizzy drink that’s been shook up. The bath is like releasing the cap slowly versus having it blown off with pressure.
And so after I left home, even though I took a shower to wash my hair each day, I also had a soak daily and at least a couple hour soak every weekend. If my ex went out for the evening or had a trip away, I spent hours in the tub reading. Hot tea in the tub was a normal occurrence for me. It was apparently my way to keep myself grounded. (I’d never have rented a place that didn’t have a bath). I rarely had a meltdown.
I had other strategies that I employed as well. One was removing myself from others when I could feel things building-one can’t always feel a meltdown coming on but you might be able to feel the shift in your ability to cope with stimulus. (I also did this at work-I worked my way into jobs where I could be away from the eyes of others and regulate myself. Before that, it was a trip to the bathroom to regain my sense of self.) I wasn’t necessarily doing all of this to avoid a meltdown, but I did stumble on removing myself after a meltdown as a pre-teen. I felt badly about my behavior. We were not a family that ever required time outs and so, I learned to time out myself in advance once I could feel a shift happening inside of me-sometimes that was just the feeling of being frayed on all of my edges. Reading was also one of my time outs or a way to ground myself. I always read before bed and read some every morning. I couldn’t read a novel in the morning as that seemed to cause me to disassociate, and so my morning reading was generally a book by a Buddhist writer.
It’s true that as my health worsened (I was the working sick for most of my life-a myriad of invisible illnesses that eventually disabled me in my late 40s), I found myself taking a bath twice a day to be able to keep myself from feeling like my cells were going to blow apart-once before my shower in the morning and every evening in the year or two before full disability. Of course, I didn’t have kids and so I didn’t have the added pressures that a lot of adults experience in life.
I know I hit my head against the wall when young and rocked. Don’t know what my mother did to stop that, but she thought that was related to my having ear infections; it was very likely my being autistic. When I was older, my mother told me that when I was little she learned to regulate me by patting me on a certain spot on my hip. Wish I’d learned that earlier, as to this day patting myself there does help regulate me. I think it might be advisable to ask a parent if there was anything that helped you regulate as a young kid. You never know if it might be added to one’s kit for self regulation.
I only recently discovered that my meltdowns are, indeed, meltdowns I never knew I had (or even could have) autism until very recently as an adult, so I grew up believing the narrative that I was having "tantrums". It's actually thanks to advocates on TH-cam, like yourself, that I even considered I might be autistic.
So thank you. Thank you so much for doing all the work you do her on TH-cam!
Also, I believe the responses are "fight", "flight", "like", "subscribe", and "support the Patreon", but the very well could be more... 😉
Dont forget the corollary to "subscribe" which is "ring the bell"
I love what you've done with the "fight or flight" comment and the dead, resigned look in her eyes as she said it by subverting it into something positive and helpful. You are Patreonizing instead of patronizing.
Yesterday my partner and I almost broke up because It was so scary for me seeing her have what I thought were tantrums. Glad the algorithm lead me here, it's probably so hard for her to deal with the shame of a meltdown with the people closest to her blaming her for being rude and selfish.
Thanks British lady. My lovely partner and I went on a chill walk near a waterfall and I apologized for my misunderstanding. :3 you've helped me be less rude, and you've helped my partner to be blamed less for things that are already assailing her. Have a nice springtime yay.
I can remember being beaten for having a meltdown. I've been thrown out of school, forcibly withdrawn from classes, and barred from campus for them. In lower school the other kids would do whatever they could to trigger them cause it was funny. I've never in my life had anyone either treat them like they weren't my fault and I was a bad person for them or just kinda sit there and watch and never really bother to learn how to help. The idea I might have recovery time is laughable. I just figure I'm supposed to feel like in pain and exhausted all the time.
Weirdly apt time for this to drop. I was working from home on Friday, found out I made a big mistake at work and it triggered the worst meltdown I've had in a long while. I'm 27 and been on SSRIs for a year and thought I had got better 'control' of it. I was home alone luckily so no one witnessed it at least but I had to lie to my managers saying that I was throwing up to get out of work because that was easier to explain than me having a bad meltdown.
Still feeling the embarrassment and dread. It made me realise that meltdowns never truly go away and there's always a risk of them. Just wish there was better support and understanding.
Thank you for the comment & I hope you're feeling better!
Well I just learned that my shutdowns could just be a form of meltdown. And it took me longer than I care to admit to learn that one of my kids was having meltdowns and not having tantrums. So much to learn. So few spoons with which to do so.
Small steps, those are huge realisations about very complex things 💜
Ponderful, what a kind response. Comrade Misner, I understand about not having enough spoons; it must be even more difficult being low on spoons while trying to parent.
Thanks to the alexithymia, I can appear stoic during meltdowns as an autistic adult, then its very night I am guaranteed to have epilepsy seizures during sleep as a fashionably late response :)
Thank you Mica for doing this, nice work as always
Thank you 💜
Thank you for the reminder of how painful and overwhelming it is to be misunderstood. I've been triggered by that a lot this week, and had forgotten that the harm of being misread is something that is exacerbated by being Autistic.
💜
"The harm of being misread"
I only have adhd, I believe, but I can relate strongly to *this* idea. Nothing seems to hit me harder than being misunderstood. Sometimes I can make "logical" sense, when the misunderstanding is someone thinking poorly of me or my intentions, other times it's someone not understanding an idea I have or understanding what it is that I enjoy about something (a concept or activity). Why should I be so upset when someone simply can't bridge the experience/empathy gap to understand something that I like or why I like it?
(I think it's the feelings of being dismissed, being made small and insignificant in the mind of another person?)
@@Pensnmusic (this is a whole year late but) a close friend of mine always relates those experiences to RSD, which makes a lot of sense
Meltdowns are awful. I really love how you explained the cycle with stress in this. Great video for this month.
May every autistic do their best to survive this month ✊
Thanks Willow 💜
When I was a kid, I had trouble identifying what was causing my meltdowns, and this was misidentified as me "losing it over minor things". The truth is that the stress had been building in the background for some time, usually because it was too hot, the class was rowdy, the fans were making an out of sync clicking noise, my leg was itchy, and I was worried about staying focused on the lesson, so my brain was overheating trying to keep me functioning normally despite all that sensory hell. Then something minor would happen, most often I wouldn't be able to find something, I would try to apply a problem-solving capacity that had been gutted by stress, find myself utterly unable to solve the problem, panic, and break down in loud sobs asking for help, whereupon someone (usually a teacher) whose brain hadn't been burned to a crisp would yell at me for causing a disturbance, slam the thing I thought I had lost down on the desk, and then take a good minute to make sure that both I and everyone else in earshot knew what an attention-seeking fuck-up I was. But those were the mild ones.
In a full-on sensory overload meltdown, which almost always occurs in a crowded, public space, I lose the ability to parse what is happening around me. It starts with disorientation and mounting anxiety. If I can, I escape at this stage, before it gets any worse. Before long, I lose the ability to speak coherently. If I get out now I'll be fine as long as I stay isolated and quiet for the rest of the day. If I can't escape, everything seems to get more and more chaotic as the world dissolves. I still see, hear, feel, and smell, but all of it is chaos. None of it means anything that I can identify. All I hear is a cacophony of meaningless noise, underscored by the kind of pain you might experience from hearing nails on a chalkboard, or microphone feedback. I see colours, shapes, and movement, not people and objects and vehicles and structures. My vision is a kaleidoscope being twisted frantically. Are the shapes coming towards me or moving away? I can't tell. Are any of them threats? By now I'm panicking so probably, my brain says. Yes, they are all threats. A stranger brushes against me in the crowd and I scream as though I'm being murdered. I know I'm overreacting, on some level I know that this is humiliating, but I need it to stop, NOW, and I'm helpless and afraid. I need to find a solid surface to press myself against, to anchor myself. A wall, preferably, but in a pinch the floor will do. I can't navigate the space I'm in, I'm feeling blindly because none of the raw data my eyes are sending to my brain is being processed into actionable intelligence. I'm lucky if I can even stay upright while moving because my proprioception isn't exactly strong when I CAN situate myself mentally in my surroundings. It won't get better until I'm isolated and able to close my eyes and press my face against a solid surface and slowly piece my awareness back together. It feels like I have been inside a continual explosion. Recovery feels like drawing a thousand splinters out of my mind. I can still feel my heartbeat like a shockwave. Only now do I notice that my whole body is unbearably tense.
As soon as I can understand language again, I'm made aware of how embarrassing I am by whoever I was with at the time. I'm still grateful to them for getting me out. I thank them, and apologise. From painful, learned experience, I don't try to explain. Their mortification is the real tragedy here, and I shouldn't diminish what they just had to go through by making it about me. I go home as soon as possible and sleep for fourteen hours, because I'm lazy, you see.
I seem to be on the intersection between autism and PTSD/C-PTSD, and honestly... I have difficulty seperating melt downs from flash-backs/panic attacks related to trauma, especially if its related to my childhood abuse since I'm mentally reverted back into being a child, and my body reacts accordingly. I lose my ability to speak with both, it seems. I wonder how many other neurodivergent people feel that way...
I doubt they are that different: they're both rooted in deep seeded stress the brain can't rationally process...
I haven't watched the video yet (But I will) but I have something I think is very relevant. As soon as I moved out of my parents house, I literally stopped having meltdowns period. It's been almost four years. It made me realize meltdowns aren't some innate thing, they're the result of prolonged and constant stress that we're told to repress. If you remove that stress, you remove the meltdowns.
I have found that environment plays a rather large role in the frequency, severity, and recovery time of my meltdowns as well. The more stable my environment, the less often I suffer meltdowns & the quicker I can recover. Glad you have a better situation. I hope it stays that way for you✨️
I remember my parents accusing me of being manipulative and forcing me to wash the dishes one time, and because of other stressors and starting to have a meltdown from doing it, I almost tried to drown myself in the water.I went on to explain that happening to my parents, and they accused me of saying this for attention and that I just didn't WANT to wash the dishes. See, the thing is, I LIKE doing this with a purpose, a task, but I still have to have the right circumstances to do it. And in that moment, it was too much. That's how it is for so SO many things.
When I finally got diagnosed with autism, adhd, whatever else, my parents didn't believe me at first, thinking I was manipulating them when I just wanted accommodations. Getting told that, and being told that whatever strong feeling I had that I could only describe in extremes due to miscommunication, that not having games to play or things to do made me think about harming myself (something that I have had the ability to keep myself from doing, thankfully), was a lie because I never went through with it.
Just because I'm not actually doing it doesn't make those feelings any worse in the moment. And that's something I need people to understand. The frustration I've had with doctors, case workers, and even my therapist before she understood me better! It's the situation and the pain making those thoughts happen, and I needed THOSE dealt with. Not the fact I had those thoughts in the first place. And being misunderstood by people who were supposed to be helping me, not even my parents, made the overwhelming feelings of having a breakdown or a meltdown even worse.
Thankfully my parents understand now, but the hurt they instilled in me never went away, to the point of me pushing them away at times just because of being reminded of that. When they talk to me when I'm not ready to talk, I can't hear them. Not for a lack of trying, but their words are nothing. I get overwhelmed because of that trauma, the trauma of being autistic and not being treated like a person. Then they end up hurt because I'm overwhelmed or overstimulated then I push them away because of it... It's frustrating when I'm recovering from a meltdown and being treated like because it's been a day since it happened that I'm fine to listen to how to cook food well, when I am food repulsed for the most part, textures and smells being oppressive at times. It drives me up a wall! Where because my mom shows affection through food, that because I said I liked something she made I WANT to talk about food. I NEVER want to talk about food.
Heck, I would mask here at home because of my autism just not being understood, and whenever it slips off due to being overwhelmed I get treated like I'm being mean for no reason. It can be insufferable living with someone, especially when they don't get it, especially when they scrape a pan and it hurts and act like you're being unreasonable. I can't stress how much being autistic and having these sensory issues have kept me from doing basic things like vacuuming because of how LOUD the vacuum can be, and I don't have headphones that I can plug into my phone anymore due to the ones my mom bought me when I asked being USB headphones. Little things like that... I could go on forever...
I'm hugely grateful to the EYEBALLS for directing me to your wonderful channel a couple of months back, and have since been slowly and delightedly working my way through your content. Thank you too for your powerful description of an autistic meltdown, something I, as a mildly autistic person, have never experienced. Just one question: Why show us a screenshot of the Wikipedia article on Spoon Theory and tell us to GOOGLE Spoon Theory? Anyone who's ever Googled a person, event, or identifiable subject of any kind knows the relevant Wikipedia article is the very thing that comes up, so why not just go straight to Wikipedia and deny Google the traffic? Once again, love your stuff x
I...my browser just...Googles? idk I'm sorry 😭
Thanks for the comment 😊
Ah! I too was summoned here by the eyeballs! Yay! Happiness all around!
@@Ember_Green Nothing to be sorry for. Everybody suggests Googling things, so it's not meant as a criticism of you. I just wish we, as a society, could move away from using Google as the default source of information. Of course this whole interaction is taking place on a platform owned by by...
@@stothsam Especially since "just Google it" means that someone doing the search is likely to be getting a lot of unvetted and unverified information which could be wildly inaccurate, or outright propaganda. Unfortunately, with controversial topics, the most popular results are often the most problematic, because those are the ones that get the highest "engagement". There's also the problem that different sources have different emphasis, or different target audiences, so someone not familiar with a topic could find a page full of good info, but which is also full of technical jargon or other difficult-to-understand language.
It's unfortunate that that's become the default response to just about every inquiry. I mean, I get it, it's hard having to deal with constant demands from people to educate them on a subject, especially since a lot of those demands are definitely not done in good faith, so it's easier to just tell them to go look it up (especially when it's a fairly well-known or non-controversial topic). I've been guilty of that myself. But ultimately I think it does more harm than good. I've started to put together sets of resources on particularly topics I get asked about a lot; so that way I can just direct people to a single link to a Google Doc or something that has my list of sources.
Oh, and I'm also here by command of Lord Oculon.
@@EphemeralTaolord oculon did u say? Hmm what an uncommon denominator
We need you so much. Please don't burn yourself out and take care. This video of yours is yet another life savior for me, and many others I guess. I'm sending it to my whole medical team. In France we don't even have a word for meltdown, at least not one that I'd know of, and they're still like "you've had a... what?" when I try to tell them about my week.
Thank you so much for all the work, but please be well, that has to always come first.
Thank you so much, Lala 💜
Thank you so much for what you do ❤️ Talking with an autistic friend the other week, he said it can be really hard to distinguish autism and the symptoms of trauma in some areas bc the Venn diagram of autistic people & people w trauma is a circle, at least with how things are right now. Of course you feel shame when you’ve been shamed for having meltdowns. Of course being misunderstood is terrifying and upsetting, being judged, blamed, mocked or worse for things you can’t control is traumatic. I’ve learned so much from your work, especially as I come to terms with being neurodivergent myself. Keep fighting the good fight and taking care of yourself, those things are not separate ❤️
Also lol just looked up where “fighting the good fight” comes from cus it keeps coming to mind but I was worried it was coined by a fascist or something, looks like it’s a Christian phrase so to be clear, not a Christian, but I am reclaiming that phrase and using it to include fighting all forms of dehumanization including religious abuse :)
I cannot imagine having meltdowns with that much frequency. I've only had two meltdowns in my 28 years on this planet that I remember, and the first one was when the best friend I ever had was forced away from me by her abusive boyfriend, and the second was when the dog I grew up with died. It took me days to recover enough to feel like myself again both times, but that didn't stop me from having to take a differential equations exam the same day as my first meltdown. I thought I would have another one in the exam room, but thankfully I had studied for it like crazy and managed to get through it, but that could easily have been very bad.
Thanks for talking about your experience. Sending love.
All this time I thought I was having migraines. It was meltdowns I was experiencing. Thank you for this.
For what it's worth, I'm incredibly Proud of you dear friend! ❤️ Insightful, knowledgeable, honest and real. I'd expect nothing less of you. I look forward to watching and learning more. X
😭🥰 thank you Sophie!
Since I dropped out from university, trying to get my second bachelor, I've been downward spiraling for almost a year now. From the frontal cortex zapping to the brain bees and also the nausiating tinnitus, all are things returning that I knew too well from when I was depressed as a teen (back then I used to hit my head against the wall). I'm so scared I might actually just seek attention or some sort of personal gain, but in the end my only motivation for my meltdowns is just stress, I don't think. That's the point.
I sincerely thank you for your videos. They give me clarity and I feel seen when watching them, they teach me to be less hard to myself because the person I blame most always myself...
Thanks for this video. You explain it so clearly! As a recently diagnosed autistic person I seem to overestimate myself a lot leading to meltdowns and for someone to explain them this clearly I learn more about myself and my functioning. Now I understand them better I’ll likely deal with them better in the future. Thanks a lot! 🖤
I love Boba! Seriously, there aren't enough good videos of autistic meltdowns from adult female perspectives. Mine are quite similar except that I conditioned very early by an abusive father and brother who knew I was different and who hated people who are different from them, and had no understanding of autism at all, that when having a meltdown my survival depended on taking up as little space and making as little noise as possible. I'm wondering if the woman whose stimming video you are referring to is the same one that was one of the keys to understanding as a 43 year old that I am autistic, as she also unplugged (writer and blogger Cynthia Kim). I really like the emphasis you've placed on the awful history of autism advocacy and why doing it right is so exhausting yet so important. You are a treasure 💜
thank you so much for your wonderful comments! I'm busy getting my next video up or I'd write more, but just wanted to say thanks!
it's so funny how the dishes are always a topic of discussion, because for me, i hate the sound of a dishwasher more than anything in the world, it lasts forever and i can never know when it's close to end.
then there's the problem that if an item is out of sight, it is out of mind and i would often spend hours or days looking for a single tool to cook and put off cooking altogether only to find it in the dishwasher 3 months later because i got sidetracked from putting things away, or worse, i never hit start on it and i just found a molded over sifter
I'm too "high functioning" for my father to see my "autism or adhd or anxiety or whatever I want to call it" as a problem and he's let me be homeless in a tent and keeps insisting I've never proving myself to be "not dangerous"
Omg I'm so sorry
I hope you find safe housing soon. I'm so sorry your family isn't there for you.
@@jodiblackman7838 I've found housing but like every property in red states, it's falling apart because we're in late stage land lording and buildings are about to start collapsing
This is really interesting! my own meltdowns feel pretty different. I don't get the brain bees or the head hurting. Something happens to set it off and I don't usually even register anything consciously, I'm just screaming and I lose all voluntary motion control, it feels like being possessed a little bit, and it feels like my chest is caving in. that's where the pain usually centers for me.
I love all the info, and it was all highly relatable, especially the recovery section.
I had been convinced for so long that I just had horrible mood swings and a poorly controlled temper, and after a mood stabilizing medication did very little to affect it consistently, and after watching this video in its entirety, I'm now thinking I've just been having meltdowns instead and I'm not sure where to go from there because I don't really know what causes them. I seem to have it happen at times where it doesn't make sense that there would be any type of overstimulation, but things that one would think would put me on edge for a meltdown don't always do that (for example, washing dishes is complete sensory hell for me but usually if I do have a meltdown from it, it's about an hour later after having a depressive-episode-turned-meltdown because my bad back put me in so much pain from standing at the sink for upwards of 45 minutes. Sometimes a meltdown happens because I'm having trouble with an unreliable Google search for something that should be really easy to find. I don't know what the trigger is :/)
I've spent a lifetime accepting a diagnosis of BiPolar II and OCD, Pre-Menstrual Dysphoria Disorder and Social Phobia. Now after listening to so many adult women with Autism, I think that has been the underlying problem. So much of it started in early childhood with wanting to be left alone to read and think, and being forced to go to school and deal with the over-stimulation of noisy children and demanding teachers. I felt so guilty that I couldn't control my rages and crying fits, which were exhausting and took hours to recover from. I don't see much point in a formal diagnosis at this point, and I'll just stay on my meds, since anxiety and depression still seem to be a never-ending condition for me. I do feel I understand myself better with the idea of Autism explaining so much of my unpleasant personality traits and emotional state.
Sounds like that trigger is frustration tolerance! A huge trigger for me
for me it feels like being a passenger and someone else is driving the bus, I can still observe and feel and do nothing. I use that ringtone as wake up alarm LOL
Thank you so much for making this video, Mica! Very helpful in understanding what a meltdown is. One question I have for you: if you're someone who is an ally and see someone autistic struggling with one, is there anything particularly helpful to do? I mean, obviously don't film it. That...jesus, I feel like that shouldn't be said but...well, here we are. I imagine asking that person in the moment doesn't help because, well, brain bees.
If it's someone you don't know well, not really. Just give them space & remove anything dangerous. If you know what's causing the meltdown & can do something about that, without touching them, then maybe do that. If you know them well enough, ask during a calm time what their needs are.
Personally, I appreciate tissues & water being made available, but that's it really. Never touch or try to restrain as you'll only risk hurting yourself or them.
Afterwards, removing any pressure or burdens from them would be great (like offering to call in sick for them or cancelling plans you might have had) 😊
@@Ember_Green Thank you for that info, Mica. I will keep it in mind!
I'm honestly so happy for you because of your dishwasher. My neuro divergent so hates washing up so I know how liberating it can be to have that cushion.
This video is so important. I've been nodding along so much. Thank you for illuminating this to the world
I've studied ptsd from trauma towards understanding my survival mode and Window of Tolerance. I've learned how disconnected my prefrontal cortex has been. I'm somewhat aware of the Vagus Nerve and my physical responses. Adding autism has shown me there are so many emotional situations. Way too many. And sudden loud noise! Arggghhhhh
I just heard the feedback loop. It's been so isolating to avoid possible harm.
Pretty accurate description of meltdown for me, as a late diagnosed AuDHD. Thanks for the video, it helps understanding as I feel like I keep having to explain my AuDHD constantly, even to my GP. You don't get much explanations about what it is and how it affects your body and mind... it really isolating and frustrating...
I absolutely love your wall decoration! Plus the symmetry with each other and the sofa is just icing on the cake
I probably won't get to this for a few months because it's a topic I'm sensitive about so I'll procrastinate on watching it and then when I do watch it I'll be like "wtf i should have watched this earlier it was so good" but I wanted to comment for the algo and thank you for making it and encourage and support etc
Nah I'm actually gonna watch it now:
-I'm sorry you've been having meltdowns lately, things have been really stressful lately, especially if you're a Missouri away from a war, that's really scary
-yes the meltdowns aren't tantrums point is very important as is the defense of kids who throw tantrums! It was frustrating how people thought I could control my meltdowns when I couldn't at all and needed to be soothed/comforted, not vilified!
-I worry about my cat Captain's stress level all the time omg
-BUT WHAT ABOUT AUTISM lol i love that
-Literally put this in my "media to get me" playlist and I'm probably gonna send it to like everyone close to me
-Obsessed with this glad I'm watching it the day it comes out
-I'll call autism "Everything happens so much" because that's how it feels for me a lot of the time, which can even be a good thing! But really sucks when it's a bad thing.
-I really gotta get checked for hypermobile EDS... and I know someone else who's both autistic and hypermobile too
-YES THE THING ABOUT MOOD DISORDERS i thought i had bipolar 2 for YEARS because I'd sometimes feel intensely great or intensely terrible but I think it's a reaction to things happening in my body and environment like my blood sugar or the weather etc
-seeing how I was punished for my autistic meltdowns and knowing how it's even more vilified in people who don't have some of the privileges I have... like the intersection between racism and ableism is so deadly and we all need to do something about it
-I've been so lucky to be able to order uber eats because I have been incapable of feeding myself. It's not a good financial decision, but I can do it, and that's such a necessary accommodation that I wish more people had because for us it isn't as much of a luxury
-I wish I had a dishwasher but I will say that GLOVES for doing dishes has been the biggest game changer for me, especially because I couldn't do them AND couldn't communicate to my roommates WHY I couldn't do them
-Your description of a meltdown is so good! I will say for me I relate to it a lot, but I'll often scream and like be really mean and tear my hair out and all. Like the words I need to say are swears and I'll bite myself and stuff because that feels like it'll help in that irrational state of brain bees.
-I NEED to shower after a meltdown, or even really after crying heavily. It's like a ritual thing, even if I've already showered I'll probably shower. And omg yes the dehydration after... and the EMBARRASSMENT KILL ME OMG
-I wish I had a bathtub omg
-"I don't feel like myself in a meltdown" YEAH. God if footage of one of my meltdowns ever goes public.... check in on me bc i would not be doin well!!!!
-The bit about superheroes saklfjdsklzafjdslafkds (it's also funny because I'm talking to a friend about autistic batman right now) (Also damian wayne is absolutely autistic and he's a more compelling character when read that way)
-I had male relatives learn they were autistic and I'd been thinking "well I could be, but probably not because I'm good at acting" and then I saw a video about a woman talking about masking and I was like "oh that's me" lol
-BEING MISUNDERSTOOD IS SUCH A TRIGGER YES
Thank you soso sosoosososo so so so SO much for this video. Sending it to like everyone because it does such a good job of explaining so much!!! I'm really happy I actually saw this one the day it was posted. I'm inspired, thank you Mica
I'm so glad you liked it!! I was worried about it being too triggering, but it seems like I got the tone OK. Thank you for the comments, I never know how/if people will relate until the comments come in 😊 (and thank you for sharing omg) 💜
Thanks for sharing, Mica! I had no idea what it was like from the inside (aside from isolating and painful in general). I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time, and I'm glad you felt comfortable letting yourself rest!
BOBA
🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛
So so so incredible.
Your calm and clear delivery with the music too makes you such a brilliant speaker and your content quality is always tremendous.
Thank you for the effort put in with editing, timestamps, your own spoons and just all of it!
I will share this more throughout the month as it is so invaluable.
I have a question; Have you considered or done any speaking engagements in physical spaces or is that not your thing?
I am in total alignment with needing everyone, not just us as autistic/otherwise neurodivergent people, to speak up and shift the tides.
Have you, or anyone reading this, heard of the Intersectional Infinity Summit? Lots of amazing content recorded including live chats, Twitter Spaces etc and I think that you'd make amazing contributions if that was ever possible.
I am not in charge of events, just a thought. But yeah, thank you so much for this, Ponderful.
May we continue to rise up, together, and reshape the narrative.
Love to you and yours.
Thank you so much for that wonderful comment! 😊 I'm not aware of having heard of it, but I will definitely have a look!
Another great video. Definitely relate to the transformative power of the dishwasher! I find washing dishes incredibly stressful. Also re being misunderstood - and when people seemingly deliberately misunderstand me and then don’t allow for rectification. So frustrating. I’m lucky that my meltdowns have lessened in frequency and intensity as I’ve got a bit older - not sure why or if that is common. Thanks for having the courage to share your experience and make these videos.
@pnderful This 1:47 is why I have a problem with the word meltdown. Typically meltdown is a synonym for tantrum. That is how I grew up hearing it referred to. I was diagnosed at 30yr so that is where I am coming from, etc. To me it's all mixed up with panic attacks, and shutdowns. That is why, I would prefer to call a meltdown, a breakdown instead. To me that is what it feels like to me. If we come together we can get the writers of the DSM to reconsider their choose of language.
I had to work in a grocery store for 5 years, and I ended up feeling this every day, and dissociating heavily in order to stop myself from screaming and falling to the floor and wanting to hurt myself. That wouldn't have exactly been very professional...
By the time that I had no choice but to quit, I just wanted to stop existing. Constantly. Was coming close to self-deletion about twice a month. It's been a year since then, and I'm still recovering, and just found out that I'm autistic. It was horrifying to not understand why I was in so much constant mental pain, or why I couldn't cope with seemingly normal things.
Thank you for your videos, they're really helping me to feel less alone in this. :)
Wow. Only just found the time to sit and watch this. Commenting this late seems a little redundant, but hopefully the additional engagement helps get this excellent video a few more views! Thank you so much for daring to share your meltdown experiences. Few commentators want to cover this head on, for obvious reasons, and none I've seen to date do so as well as you do here. My own meltdowns in adulthood are nowhere near as severe as yours, but it literally sent chills down my spine hearing your account. Almost identical to what I experienced during my childhood and especially my late teenage years. At the time I was diagnosed with 'extreme migraines', dosed on every painkiller, and every doctor had a different 'theory' as to the cause. Only after Autism diagnosis at 40 did I look back and think about the context and stresses that tended to precede those 'migraines'. Also, the pain-crazed-self-harm thing. Finally somebody else on the verbal end of the spectrum talks about it. I have honestly wondered at times if that was just me and non verbal autistic people. Thank you!
Thank you so much for being here and sharing. It means a lot!
I can't really say I ever had meltdowns (I don't know if I'm autistic either). I'm very good at keeping myself together even if I'm in great emotional or physical stress, like I've literally been called "so tough" all my life and I think it's the thing that has kept me alive since my body is kinda good at keeping me alive. Not showing me any borders besides the borders where I'd be falling if I'd cross it, so I can keep myself safe and am pretty good at communicating to others when I need space. But even when these don't get respected I mostly dissociate and it's not really showing when I do that. God, I dissociate so much, I feel like I'm living half my life in dissociation. And I know the pain you describe after a meltdown, I have had that sometimes over prolonged periods of time and I get very su*c*dal when I do. But I mean su*c*dal thoughts kinda just are for me, I don't give them the attention they want me to give them because otherswise they'll just get worse. They are just a symptom of the many things that are not okay at all. And they are so much of a comfort that it makes me angry (yeah, see, my body being good at keeping me alive).
The bees in your brain. I used to call it the banshees in my head. Your phrase had better alliteration. When I tried to explain my experience to mental health services I got labelled as psychotic which didn't help. It wasn't until I watched something about autistics being late or misdiagnosed that set the ball rolling. It still took several years for me to accept, do, get seen, then get confirmed as autistic.
I really appreciate this video. It was one of the most informative and helpful in understanding a subject that indeed is very difficult to find from the perspective of an actual autistic person, rather than from a parent.
Thanks so much for your videos Mica!!!! I learnt so much from them, I keep coming back to take notes in order to persue my formal diagnosis because of how relatable your experience is. I describe the (what I now suspect are) meltdowns as a feeling of being under siege. Like being attacked from all angles (senses) until they start collapsing, much like a sentient spaceship's life support (Farscape Pilot&Moya). Not only the first visuals and shields are gone, but vitals and communications too, command is off so I cannot navigate, map, nor triangulate the location of stressors to implement defensive/offensive manouvers, hyperspeed is not an option so I have to deploy a decoy and reboot. Most often than not this leaves me floating in space because the ships in the cuadrant don't have their comms synched to my frequency so they missed the distress call. I see what you mean now about having those epiphanies. Pls keep doing what you do, because this is proof that it helps people. It helped me understand myself and my life and gave me an actual reason to engage in my interests with more pride.
EVERYONE SHOULD STAY TILL THE END FOR A BOBA CAMEO
(Incredible video, thank you so much for making it)
Thanks Sarah!
Edit: I'm also autistic just wanted to highlight sensory differences
I was always forced to wash the dishes cos my older sibling (also autistic) hated the sensory experience. And I actually really like it now it feels very ritualistic, but I understand the bighate
Thanks for sharing your experiences with this, Ponderful. So hard for those of us who don't experience this to relate, so your perspective is so valuable.
I interpreted that spoon reference as meaning that you're trying to cook and looking for a literal spoon to cook with, not finding any, and then the stress of not knowing what to do now eats into your metaphorical spoons of which you already have none left either.
I'm not sure if the pun was intended, but it was definitely appreciated.
The fact that I understood what you meant by spoons. The exact right one's that I use for cooking vs the spoons for mixing vs the ones I use for ice cream.
I love you. I love your videos. The amount of insight you've given me into my own brain in just a single morning is incredible. I'm crying both because I'm sad, and because your videos are putting so much into perspective for me. Thank you for doing the work you do
Yeah, the great boba graces us with his presence. He makes u smile. Cats r such good pals. They're such funny characters. I was recently noticing that if a person comes close to me, like if they come in the room i don't necessarily want to interact but if an animal comes i want to say hi and interact positively, mood is elevated
Enlightening... funnily, very calming and helped me get a bit of rest listening to it. The smooth editing and pacing is nice
i have sensory overload very very often but meltdowns are quite rare for me. the first one i remember i was on the floor hitting myself and crying and my mum told me to stop being over dramatic and i was on the ground for hours. it just kept not going away. it wasn’t on purpose and i didn’t want it to happen in front of her.
Meltdowns are not tantrums, it’s someone being so stressed/overwhelmed they lash out. Just yesterday I had a shutdown because a kid was eating loudly in class.
It was not used to gain anything, like tantrums. It was me being so stressed I was trying to rip out my veins. I was yelling at whoever went too close me.
I'm so happy someone else has used the "brain bees" metaphor. Cause for me, meltdowns absolutely feel like a hive of angry bees are buzzing in my head.
I have never commented on a video before. So please allow that to add weight to my heartfelt thanks for this video and all your content.
Thank you so much for the comment!
Wait, neurotypicals can control their tantrums? Wow that's gonna be an interesting reflection of my childhood.
I thought I'd give you some engagement without lecturing you on neuroscience! I love your channel.
Just to add experiences: my meltdowns begin with warning signs. Anxiety, tiredness, grumpiness at people. If I can't get myself to a safe situation soon, I end up having a meltdown. I am very good at managing my spoons before I get to meltdown territory, or even get the warning signal. I haven't had one in months. When I get a meltdown, my vision becomes myopic. My vision suddenly zooms in to the point that I'll only be seeing the world one leaf of one tree 10 feet away at a time. My senses become pinpoint. I can see light bleeding around the corners of my blackout blinds with my eyes closed 20 feet away, *at night*. I often don't have the energy or ability to get up for water, food, or the bathroom. They usually last about 1-2 hours if I'm in the best position for recovery: blackout curtains, no scents (I use an odor cancelling spray that leaves no scent), in bed, no clothes, 2 pairs of noise cancelling headphones, good temperature room, no fans, no light.
For me, recovery If I've had a bad one, can take as much as 2-3 weeks. Mild ones take only a day or two. During that time, I'm more prone to have another meltdown.
However, I'm able to hold my meltdown back until I'm in private. This ends up making the meltdown worse when it does happen, but in some situations better (vs having a meltdown in a bustling store, which would be excruciating and prolong the meltdown).
Thank you so much for this video. I don't have the pain like that connected to a meltdown. I have it separately. But it definitely feels like there is a massive electrical shock, tinnitus and my vision goes black. It only lasts for a second or two. This happened while driving once and I no longer drive because it scared me so much. I've wondered if it was a seizure disorder. Apparently it is not per my neurologist but I'm using a seizure tracker just to try to help me learn about it. I'm going to start looking for possible triggers now. My meltdowns usually stem from me feeling like I cannot get away from _______ (insert whatever is making me feel cornered). Where I don't have control of a situation.
I don't know if I ever had a meltdown I might have but they are werry similar to panic attacks idk what I remember is werry foggy memory just like going in and out of conciencesnes (sorry for the spelling isnt good) or like blacking out and then back in I cry uncontrololebly Im bearly vocal I hated them because people manly teachers just makeing me go somewhere and I can't do anything its annoying. Once my mother was screaming at me again about I don't remember (she is preatty abusive I think) it was night soo I was tired and first I tryed to walk away I ended up in my bed hiting my head on my knee she then stoped me I don't remember more uggghhhh sorry just needed to vent about this.
Great video. I want to mention that ADHDers and people with others neurological conditions can also have meltdowns. Like you said not all people who have meltdowns are autistic. I just wanted to mention ADHD because i have ADHD, associated with Neurofibromatosis type 1, and i had a few meltdowns when i was a child.
okay i was *shocked* when i saw this video only had 771 likes lol. this is SO good and deserves way more attention
Thank you for the amount of care and work that goes into your videos. I can relate immensely...meltdowns can be so awful 😞Wishing you safety💕 Side note: I love your star wars destination posters!
I had a boyfriend who used to enjoy watch me having a meltdown! he got me at the point of screaming while my hands were shaking and my body crumbled as I started crying: he said he was happy to see me like that because, in his words I was "hiding my emotions". Meltdowns are less recurrent with the time pass, but he knew how to create that scenario (I told him about my diagnosis and the situations that made me have one, because I trusted him)
:( F him
I have 2 questions. 1-Where do I find that list of comorbidities, that you scrolled through, please? And 2-Have you got an answer on why your hands and wrists hurt? Because this is a huge, painful issue for me and it's just getting worse and worse and doctors don't believe me, because they find nothing...it must be psychosomatic, but I dont think so. 🙄😢 other than that I like how you explain things. First Video I've seen 😊
Trans aspie here, thank you so much for this. I was taught for so long that meltdown and tantrum were one and the same that I treated them as such and internalized what was said about me.
How do you all convince yourself to take baths while struggling with transitions? I really struggle to get in there even though it would be so helpful to take one once in a while to relax and calm down, so I'd appreciate any advice
im autistic and thank you for talking about how harmful it is to film meltdowns mine were filmed and put on the radio show (at least thats what i was told) as a kid and that was traumatic
2:29 from my understanding the difference is meltdowns come from overwhelming stress etc vs tantrums come from not getting what you want. A meltdown is akin to when a baby can’t stop crying cuz they’re super hungry and so everything is awful vs a tantrum is what happens when mom tells her up till now we’ll behaved 6 yo she won’t buy the latest hot wheels car. They out of context look the same but when you actually look at the situations it’s clear they’re vastly different. I think the stigma around it comes from the fact that most people associate meltdowns with very small children as small children have meltdowns due to extreme hunger and being overly tired and adults who experience the same/similar often times have to hide it.
This is super interesting and I learned a lot!
i don't really have meltdowns often if at all, i have panic attacks and shutdowns.
just the other day i had a shutdown so bad i fell on the kitchen floor and couldn't talk or move, and my partner had to carry me over to the bean bag chair (which i am so thankful for bc it was so helpful resting somewhere so comfortable)
This was helpful for me (as an allistic) to better understand what an autistic meltdown feels like. But I would really like to see a followup from Ponderful on how we as allistic ppl can better use our privilege to support the autistic ppl in our lives interpersonally & societally. The latter is likely going to be harder, as diff nation-states have diff policies. But I do want to better improve my allyship w/ autistic ppl in a way that's not just "Don't support autism speaks" & "Abolish capitalism". Those are both good goals, but I would like to do more.
great stuff, thank you for that. 10:03 there’s a misspelling in subtitles “artistic” instead of “autistic” (and maybe in other places too). which is kinda beautiful, but not precise much ;)
Howdy 🤠 Bothered Boy told me about your channel.
Really enjoyed this video, your sense of humour and of course Boba 💜
Thank you for helping me understand the world a bit better.
Warning that I am about to break down my own experiences with this.
My own meltdowns have been equally excruciating. They don’t start the same way, but they devolve into me recoiling into the fetal position. Sobbing inconsolably. There have been occasions where the only response I have to it, is to just… scream. I’m very fortunate I’m not experiencing them especially often, but when it’s done, it leaves me… empty. It’s like I’m not even here. I’ve also had experiences with leaden paralysis, a condition that leaves you literally unable to move. Which gets its name from the sensation it puts on you. Like your body is being pulled down, or crushed by a ton of weight. I’ve had this happen in front of managers. I’ve had them just watch, and stare. I’ve had coworkers look at me like I’m insane, and begin to avoid me. I’ve lost so many jobs from this.
This stuff is not a joke. It’s something that has to be taken seriously by people who don’t experience this stuff themselves very often. I don’t know where to even start with that… but you know.
¡Gracias!🥰
my experience of meltdowns is much different but thank you for sharing your experience.
My meltdowns aren’t as severe, but they tend to take forever to recover from… I get migraines and I had times where I would have the photophobia and hyperacusis like during a migraine, but it didn’t feel the same… my head wasn’t pounding, but I couldn’t filter anything… I couldn’t process what people were saying… my tinnitus would get so loud… it became difficult to organise my thoughts in such a way that I could communicate and I would have to take a lot of time to compose what I needed to say before saying trying to speak… it tends to happen when I am stressed about something and getting past the worst of it is more or less the same as a working through a migraine… so I just assumed it was like a variant of a migraine or like migraine aura that never progressed to full migraine… sometimes I would get a migraine after the episodes so it wasn’t too much of a stretch.
Pretty sure that is just what my meltdowns look like. I’m still basically useless as a human being at that point, but I have enough function left to remove myself from present situation…
I had such a meltdown like three days ago and I’m still rather out of it… unable to really focus on the things that I need to without falling back into that same headspace.
I've had meltdowns since I was very young. When I was little it maifested as fits of rage due to overstimulation. Now I cry and even scream uncontrollably which is super embarassing. I'm in college! I should be mature! I've learned, however, that being autistic doesnt mean im immature or childlike, i just process things differently and get overloaded.
Glad to get some good autism content on Autism Acceptance Day!
thank you for the video, i think i will need to do more research on what meltdowns are like vs panic attacks. I have to reevaluate some of my episodes in the past and wonder if they were melt downs or not. Either way it's perspective that everyone should learn about/have.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Watching this again because reasons... 😉 Thank you for giving this very personal account; a lot of it resonated with my experience of autism, and led me to think about that again in new ways ❤️
13:34 Ah yes, I could write books about this. I mean for me it worked out to get my thoughts and behaviors under control. But it is way harder to keep balance than any NT could imagine. If I am not 100% the best psychological "self" and there is any tear in my mood, I will have a difficult day and either expect a meltdown or an overload.
Thanks. I'm on the spectrum as well. I've learned to hate washing dishes, but that's mainly due to other people's singular & inevitable reaction to how slowly I do it. Why that's a problem, I don't know. I've no idea why someone else has to put me on a stopwatch. If they're not doing it, why should they care? But they do. They always do. Consequently, I'd rather vacuum AND do laundry, than have to wash the dishes. I always get them clean - whereas other's often don't - but apparently that counts for precisely nothing. I've gotten sick of this over the years, and simply don't do them anymore, save if I'm alone. tavi.
There was a period of my life a couple years ago when it felt like I was in constant recovery mode
For the (34:05) "tendancy of the internet to be extra abusive towards women and fem people", I would say "people who aren't cis men", rather than "women and fem people", since more people than just women and "fem" (I assume short for feminine/femme) experience misogyny, and we are just as affected by it as women and people who are feminine/femme.
(edit to specify since I forgot: I am nonbinary, not a woman, not fem/femme/feminine, but still very much the victim of misogyny, and trans men also still face misogyny.)
"People who are the victims of misogyny" shouldn't be reduced to "women and feminine" people, since a lot of people aren't women or feminine, and we're still subjected to misogyny just as much as they are.
I hope you're doing ok, Mica.
Much better, thank you 🥰
For engagement: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, faint/flop, fright. Because yes, the F's just keep increasing.
Great video! Wishing you more good days ♥
The way I explain my meltdowns is that while they might look like tantrums, from the inside, they're more like high-functioning seizures.
This is a good video choice for autism awareness month. Relatable for autistic folks, and educational for allistic folks. But not preachy, you know? Kind of sad and serious. I think something that's made for autism awareness month should make allistic folks uncomfortable, which I think this video succeeds in doing.