This is been very helpful. I’ve been focusing on fixing my drug addicted , depressed, and suicidal son , and I’m about to lose myself, going down with the ship, because of self-hatred. The deepest root of it is my mom never being happy with me and always passing judgment on my motives and character. I feel like my whole life has been one of proving I am not that person. I struggle with so many things I related to so many things in this video and more. I will keep listening. I especially need to quit fighting this battle for my son out of a place of fear and terror that he will die and be lost and instead fight from a restored healed heart full of Gods love. I admit that while my love for my son and his welfare is genuine, a lot of my self worth as a parent, a person, and an influencer for Gods kingdom is riding upon the outcome for my son.
About 10 years ago a guy in my small group bible study stayed late to counsel me because I admitted to some suicidal thoughts. By staying late he decided to postpone his nightly home dialysis treatment until the next morning which was a Sunday. I found out when I got to church the next morning that he had died in his sleep. Because he decided to talk to me the night before instead of dialysis he died. That was the pinnacle of a lifetime of self hatred that I'm still drowning in today.
I’m sorry you are going through that. I can’t imagine how much that has torn you apart. I would like to posit some ideas though. One is, you don’t know that without that one instance of treatment he wouldn’t have passed regardless. Or that he didn’t take his treatment that night anyway despite saying he would postpone it. I understand why you feel responsible, but you don’t deserve to torment yourself. If you can’t take that to heart, I understand that too. However, that may make this next point more impactful. If you believe he still would be alive if not for that night, then live the life he helped save. *He* knew he needed treatment, he could have excused himself for very legitimate reasons. Maybe scheduled to meet up at another point, given contact information or some other helpful service in lieu. Yet he postponed taking care of himself to care for you. Perhaps he thought if he left, you might have committed suicide and so he stayed late anyway so *he* could make sure you had no intention to do so. He wanted you to live a happy and healthy life that’s why he stayed to help. Don’t let his passing be in vain, live that life he helped save, that he wanted you to have for yourself. I pray that you will no longer carry this guilt and move towards that life you so deserve.
@@mrshmuga9 Thank you for responding. That guy's wife (more accurately, widow) told me later that he often skipped dialysis and had been walking the edge of the abyss for awhile so I shouldn't blame myself. To this day Ican't look her in the eyes or even participate in a church event that I know she's at because I feel her glaring at me. Not looking her in the eyes is easy though because I've had a lifetime of practice not looking anyone in the eyes ever. I do like the second explanation you give that I should live the life that he (his name was Fred btw) sacrificed for although in this case I don't think there's any return on investment. Well, in spite of what Kenny Rogers sang about, every hand is not a winner.
I read this and I understand what pain you must be in, but I suspect your self hatred runs deeper than this incident for two reasons: 1. You were suicidal to begin with, there’s a story there, 2. You don’t consider an investment in you to be a winning hand. I would think this guy,Fred, would beg to differ seeing things from the side of eternity. He is in the arms of God now and believes in you as He does. The widow also probably doesn’t feel about you the way you think she does. It sounds like she had been dealing with him and his own issues for a while before that night.
@@sweetlittleemogirl44 Thank you for your comment. Your suspicions are spot on and you are correct on all counts. My self hatred goes back decades and I don't know how to think otherwise. Even knowing that it's like a self fulfilling prophecy I still wrap myself in self loathing like it's a warm blanket, I guess because its familiar and comfortable. I just now realized that by self loathing being my comfort zone makes me hate who I am even more. I really do suck and should do the world a favor by leaving it.
Isn't that a trick of the enemy. Instead of seeing the situation as someone believing that you are worth it, Satan tells you that you are guilty. That guy saw you as important, which you are. He didn't want you to hate yourself.
I didn't understand that self is too demanding! So I pursue being heàlthy physically. But as I get older what have I to prove? One day at a time, and sharing my testimony and not being phony. For God is with me so I don't need to feel lonely. I am accepted, I am forgiven, I am loved by the True and Living God! I am accepted no condemnation, I am loved by the True and living God, there's no guilt or fear, as I draw near to the Saviour and Creator of the world, there is joy and peace as I release my worship to You prescription for self worth. And be a doorkeeper or a water carrier or do what is required when nobody else is! Prayers Warriors are rarely self focused!
self-forgiveness can come out of true gospel, god loves us and forgives us everything. If we can grasp that and receive love.. I could have do it better.. Why i didn't do this. Until we can receive Father's love in all what we do. 07:30.. forward.
This is been very helpful. I’ve been focusing on fixing my drug addicted , depressed, and suicidal son , and I’m about to lose myself, going down with the ship, because of self-hatred. The deepest root of it is my mom never being happy with me and always passing judgment on my motives and character. I feel like my whole life has been one of proving I am not that person. I struggle with so many things I related to so many things in this video and more. I will keep listening. I especially need to quit fighting this battle for my son out of a place of fear and terror that he will die and be lost and instead fight from a restored healed heart full of Gods love. I admit that while my love for my son and his welfare is genuine, a lot of my self worth as a parent, a person, and an influencer for Gods kingdom is riding upon the outcome for my son.
This is a Godsend!!
About 10 years ago a guy in my small group bible study stayed late to counsel me because I admitted to some suicidal thoughts. By staying late he decided to postpone his nightly home dialysis treatment until the next morning which was a Sunday. I found out when I got to church the next morning that he had died in his sleep. Because he decided to talk to me the night before instead of dialysis he died. That was the pinnacle of a lifetime of self hatred that I'm still drowning in today.
I’m sorry you are going through that. I can’t imagine how much that has torn you apart. I would like to posit some ideas though. One is, you don’t know that without that one instance of treatment he wouldn’t have passed regardless. Or that he didn’t take his treatment that night anyway despite saying he would postpone it. I understand why you feel responsible, but you don’t deserve to torment yourself.
If you can’t take that to heart, I understand that too. However, that may make this next point more impactful. If you believe he still would be alive if not for that night, then live the life he helped save. *He* knew he needed treatment, he could have excused himself for very legitimate reasons. Maybe scheduled to meet up at another point, given contact information or some other helpful service in lieu. Yet he postponed taking care of himself to care for you. Perhaps he thought if he left, you might have committed suicide and so he stayed late anyway so *he* could make sure you had no intention to do so. He wanted you to live a happy and healthy life that’s why he stayed to help. Don’t let his passing be in vain, live that life he helped save, that he wanted you to have for yourself.
I pray that you will no longer carry this guilt and move towards that life you so deserve.
@@mrshmuga9 Thank you for responding. That guy's wife (more accurately, widow) told me later that he often skipped dialysis and had been walking the edge of the abyss for awhile so I shouldn't blame myself. To this day Ican't look her in the eyes or even participate in a church event that I know she's at because I feel her glaring at me. Not looking her in the eyes is easy though because I've had a lifetime of practice not looking anyone in the eyes ever.
I do like the second explanation you give that I should live the life that he (his name was Fred btw) sacrificed for although in this case I don't think there's any return on investment. Well, in spite of what Kenny Rogers sang about, every hand is not a winner.
I read this and I understand what pain you must be in, but I suspect your self hatred runs deeper than this incident for two reasons: 1. You were suicidal to begin with, there’s a story there, 2. You don’t consider an investment in you to be a winning hand. I would think this guy,Fred, would beg to differ seeing things from the side of eternity. He is in the arms of God now and believes in you as He does. The widow also probably doesn’t feel about you the way you think she does. It sounds like she had been dealing with him and his own issues for a while before that night.
@@sweetlittleemogirl44 Thank you for your comment. Your suspicions are spot on and you are correct on all counts. My self hatred goes back decades and I don't know how to think otherwise. Even knowing that it's like a self fulfilling prophecy I still wrap myself in self loathing like it's a warm blanket, I guess because its familiar and comfortable.
I just now realized that by self loathing being my comfort zone makes me hate who I am even more. I really do suck and should do the world a favor by leaving it.
Isn't that a trick of the enemy. Instead of seeing the situation as someone believing that you are worth it, Satan tells you that you are guilty. That guy saw you as important, which you are. He didn't want you to hate yourself.
I didn't understand that self is too demanding! So I pursue being heàlthy physically. But as I get older what have I to prove? One day at a time, and sharing my testimony and not being phony. For God is with me so I don't need to feel lonely. I am accepted, I am forgiven, I am loved by the True and Living God! I am accepted no condemnation, I am loved by the True and living God, there's no guilt or fear, as I draw near to the Saviour and Creator of the world, there is joy and peace as I release my worship to You prescription for self worth. And be a doorkeeper or a water carrier or do what is required when nobody else is! Prayers Warriors are rarely self focused!
self-forgiveness can come out of true gospel, god loves us and forgives us everything. If we can grasp that and receive love.. I could have do it better.. Why i didn't do this. Until we can receive Father's love in all what we do. 07:30.. forward.