Hello you beauties. Access all episodes 10 hours earlier than TH-cam by Subscribing on Spotify - spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - apple.co/2MNqIgw. Here’s the timestamps: 00:00 Increase of Consensual Non-Monogamy 08:33 The Huge Role of Jealousy in Non-Monogamy 13:05 Personality Profiles of Non-Monogamous People 16:59 Most Common Non-Monogamy Practices 27:01 Importance of Exclusivity Agreements 29:37 Disclose Attraction Instead of Hiding It 35:31 Regulating Sexual Jealousy 45:41 Sharing New Partner With Current Partner 51:34 Non-Monogamy’s Branding Problem 1:05:23 Is Ancestral Polygamy a Myth? 1:15:40 Where to Find Justin
I come from Uganda, a predominantly religious country but with a lot of polygamous relationships.. the truth is in a lot of such households, there’s a lot of abuse, mistreatment, neglect and rivalries amongst the partners and children.. I feel privileged to have grown up in a 2 parent monogamous household because of the unfortunate results of polygamy we see.. I think the west and more liberal societies have a luxurious view of multiple partners and polygamy and recently almost fail to investigate how bad it can get when it goes wrong
Thank you for posting this. I have always desired to have multiple women in a closed committed relationship. Reading your comment, what I've learned from redpill, and from my experiences I can see the truth in that. I can begin to let go of that desire now.
Overall most research from the middle east shows a lot of psychological stress in blind studies (they didnt inform the doctors the wife was from a polygynous household) before performing health checkups. Just looking at raw stats, the women were physically and mentally less well.
I know someone who grew up in Dubai and he said the same thing. His family is extremely well off, so he certainly could have more than wife, but he has seen how it messes up the kids in those families, so he doesn't want to.
In the US...domestic violence/abuse in polyamorous marriages is drastically lower than traditional monogamous marriages. Also the divorce rate of polyamorous marriages is one THIRD...1/3(!!!!) the rate of monogamous marriages.
A friend of mine was brought up in a polycule by parents who practiced non-monogamous relationships. During her childhood, she grappled with a profound sense of abandonment and a feeling of not being loved or worthy of love, as her parents seemed more focused on pursuing different partners for their own gratification rather than prioritizing her upbringing (and her siblings'). Introducing multiple partners into a marriage or relationship gives rise to various obstacles, including the emergence of new relationship expectations, the potential for competition and conflict among partners, rivalry for shared resources, and the experience of jealousy, as pointed out by Justin. With 65% of people having insecure attachment styles and many of us facing difficulties in maintaining a secure relationship with a single partner, the intricacies and complexities of non-monogamous relationships seem even more challenging to navigate. It's also imperative to consider the profound impact such relationships can have on our children, if we have any.
@@ascratis5471but the role of the parent is to provide a physically and emotionally safe place for a child to grow up, receive love, and express themselves
I've never known a single person, man or woman, who was actively in a polygamous relationship who wasn't mentally ill or who hadn't grown up in an abusive household. Just saying. Hell, most people I know who openly advocate for polyamorous relationships would never actually accept one for themselves.
Yeah, I don't really think people are wired that way unless your wiring is fried. I have also never met any mentally stable people that have decided on that configuration.
By today's standards, everyone comes from a form of dysfunctional upbringing it seems? When taught by parents to NEVER hold secrets from others especially adults then told by teachers to hold secrets from them? There's a problem here...A major one.
Men have done polygamy since the beginning of recorded history. And it is usually the most successful of men (kings, lords, etc) Women have essentially never done it successfully.
I actually can't watch this because I was manipulated into a non-monogamy/polyamourous relationship by a long term partner. It destroyed my emotional and mental health which in turn affected my physically health badly. I'm as recovered as one can be having gone through something like that but not ready to hear someone extolling its virtues even though I know it can work for some very rare persons. I really don't think it should be promoted because the non-mog 'community' is full of people like me manipulated into it in one way or another and tyring to brainwash themselves into believing they are ok when they are clearly falling apart. I think those who truly want this lifestyle will find each other like they have always done - promoting it to the 'masses' and trying to make it fashionable is just creating more heartache and chaos in the world which as a planet we could really do without.
I’ve heard of other women being manipulated into these arrangements as well - mainly to keep their husband happy when the marriage is in a rough spot. Basically, a Hail Mary to keep their family together (they had young children in this scenario). Specifically, the one-sided non-monogamy where they invite other women into the bedroom. I wonder how common it is for that to happen.
One partner is hard enough to maintain a relationship with when kids are involved. Polygamy only compounds that issue by adding more relationships into the mix.
A friend of mine tried this out about ten years ago. He had a girlfriend at the time who had two kids and bounced from partner to partner, sometimes having a few at once. She talked him into trying out being with both her and one of her other partners. It didn't last long. The one time I asked about it a year or so later, he sort of dismissively referred to it as something like "having office anxiety at home".
It’s far too complex and messy for the average person. We all just need at least One dependable, reliable, trustworthy, committed partner who will provide the opposing and balancing force in our own lives.
It can be very challenging if you have an anxious attachment style. They struggle with a monogamous relationship needing constant reassurance and validation. And they have high levels of anxiety and jealousy.
"hedonistic and selfish" nah, they are probably already somewhat mentally ill to begin with LOL the real question becomes, as humanity becomes more mentally ill, should the mentally ill be allowed to reproduce?
A friend of mine was brought up in a polycule by parents who embraced non-monogamous relationships. During her childhood, she grappled with a profound sense of abandonment and a feeling of not being loved or worthy of love, as her parents seemed more focused on pursuing different partners for their own gratification rather than prioritizing her upbringing (and her siblings'). Excessive individualism has led some of us to neglect our duties and responsibilities as parents to our children and our families.
@@BGFitnessNY children are quite literally the future of out society. They are in the forefront of the negative consequences of non-monogamy. By normalizing it, I would not be at all surprised to see spikes on those kinds of behaviors.
Also increases risk of child abuse introducing random adults into a relationship. Poor kids… they need stability and routine, not seeing their parents with different lovers
I’ve known quite a few couples now who were either poly or open for their entire relationship or they started doing swinger stuff at some point in their relationship and all of them, even the longest ones all failed. Poly relationships fail, monogamous relationships fail. Relationships in general even with just friends or relatives is hard. Period. Fixing it with other sexual partners just doesn’t work. We have these jealousy feelings for a reason. They are incredibly strong for a good reason. All successful societies have had monogamy at their core because it works best. It’s not perfect but what is??
Sexual jealousy is common amongst women because instincively women seek commitment from men, men who have a polygamy instinct (pro-creation) often opt for serval women if they have the ability to. The issue that araise is that relationships is complicated, but on base level: Women provide man access to sex, man give woman commitment. Meaning that any cheating on any side, or jealousy creates an intense pain for the partner. Which is the pain felt from the "primal fulfillment" breaking. You are losing commitment, you are losing access to sex.
I ended a 2.5 year relationship with a gf because she violated our agreement that if either of us became uncomfortable with our open relationship, we’d revert back to our primary relationship and go back to monogamy. The open part of the relationship lasted only a few months. Never again
1. Wich one of you weren't feeling right in this state of the relationship (non-monogamous) ? 2. Why - if she said so - did she ended up cheating on you ? 3. Do you think the previously non-monogamous nature of your relationship *doomed* you to failure if you tried to revert back to monogamy ?
What I got from this was a discussion about the various forms of degeneracy, and figuring out a way to make it "workable". Seems like the better option is to just commit to one person and making the best life together.
Exactly. How can I do this thing and not face the responsibilities or consequences for it. Want the cake and eating it too. We have become so coddled and greedy. Seeking meaning in shallow hedonistic things.
It was weird that the guy kept comparing monogamy to abstinence only education. They aren't similar, but he seems to be trying to disparage monogamy with that comparison. I've known people in poly relationships. I've seen lots of bad stuff: verbal and physical abuse, jealousy, and narcissism going on ("look at all these people who want me, while I ignore my main partner and bask in the attention!") I've also seen women angry at each other's existence because they're with the same guy. I think poly is awful for children. Guys who are into poly don't want to do the work of raising someone else's kid. This means poly women with children are mostly single moms with a rotating sequence of short-term men. It's also worth mentioning that men are far more likely to abuse kids who aren't their biological children.
Ya. It sooo doesn’t work for most families and this guy just has a narrative that he’s trying hard to get us all to believe. And unfortunately a lot of young single desperate people will believe him and try and get nowhere in life. I’ve met soooo many of them who try this nonsense and it’s just such a waste of time they never get anywhere in life. They don’t build a stable home. They don’t have children usually unless it’s by accident, and they don’t build up generational wealth at all because everyone is completely independent. All they do is waste years trying to chase their ego and trying to get a temporary high off the newness of ever changing lovers
What a brave new world- It’s all fun and games until society becomes a dumpster fire because of an unrestricted access to one another. There’s going to be a lot of invisible men who just give up and stop contributing to society. The rest will be history
The men who give up and stop contributing won't be the problem. It's the 2nd child of a mans 3rd wife who will grow up to realize that he can't compete with his brothers. That the only lifestyle that he has ever known is now denied to him. That kid will burn the world down. Modern society and polygamy is not compatible.
There's also the very real threat that groups of men simply revert to yet another historical tactic to ensure they reproduce -- fighting over access to women who wants to help prop up a system of "polite society" where you just funnel all of the potential mates to the top 1% of men?
Yeah….. no. I’ve known a handful of couples / acquaintances who are into this. They’re all…. Effing weird. I don’t know how else to put it. Nerds. Overweight. Purple hair. Lots of tattoos/piercings. I swear they’re always gamers / cosplay / renaissance fair / people who like to dress up as dogs or horses and whatever. They’re all freaking odd. And none of them have stayed together, except the one friend I have whose husband is a total ahole but she’s too broken to leave.
Ha ha. That made me truly lol! I'm in a long term poly relationship and I read this out loud to my husband and he lol'd too 🤣 I like to think I'm a catch, and I know his other wife is, but I also know he has rolled his eyes _thousands_ of times over the last 20 years!
It’s interesting how everyone who argues that non-monogamy is good for society never considers how it affects the psychological and emotional development of *children*, the literal future society. It’s “my needs, my desires, my freedom, my pleasure, my choice.” Pseudo-intellectual narcissistic gymnastics.
An ex of mine is in an open marriage with her current husband. She swears by how incredible it is. Then she told me that they hadn't had sex for a year and how she had started to feel disgusted by men and wondered if she was asexual... She was one of the most sexual women I have ever dated. so I tried to tell her that this obviously doesn't work for them, but she still insisted everything was great... Its better to work on the relationship you have, instead of outsourcing your needs to others.
Longterm committed relationships are complicated enough, and take so much work and intention to maintain. Why mess around and experiment with that? Why invite more chaos into the most important relationship in your life? When you want something to last, you treat it differently. You fiercely protect it. You don’t play with fire. I’m convinced people who experiment with non-monogamy are more concerned with short-term pleasure + experiences than the longterm satisfaction and success of their marriage. Or they are just misled by the way it is sold these days. The way these experts talk about non-monogamy probably makes people feel more sophisticated, intellectual, interesting, and superior to boring, simple, old-fashioned monogamous people. But what I simply don’t understand is how people with kids have any time to seriously invest in people outside of their marriage and family. My husband and I love our kids and invest so much time and energy into them. We crave time with each other, and have to carve out time for dates and romance. I simply can’t imagine adding another person into the mix. Besides the jealousy and other problems, it would take time/energy from our kids and each other. Life is so busy anyway… what parent has time for another romantic relationship?
My biggest issue with this "new agey" relationship stuff like polygamous relationships for lack of a better description is how much people have to talk themselves into them to make them work. If you have to continually talk yourself into something is it actually working? Not trying to be judgemental just saying people are attempting to reinvent the wheel when it comes to human relationships if it's not broke don't fix it. My grandparents were married for over 60 years only separated by death and were the happiest couple I have ever known in my life.
@@anthonypillarellathen that's fine but the expert who was advocating for polygamy on the podcast kept emphasising how you're going to feel jealous in multiple different ways and how you need to re-contextualise that along with any other frustrations you'll have while essentially swallowing your emotions.
But I for instance have levels of jelousy. I am jelous of my best friend hanging out with other close friends and potentially having a new best friend. However as she isnt the most important person in my life, I can kind of swallow it. I used to be jelous of my little brother but then relised that my parents acutally slightly love me more so jelousy got sorted. If my hsuband however would spend his resources and time attention to someone else than me and our child or family it is unbearable as we already made a deal on how things are spent. He spends most of his time on his research in front of his computer, 10 minutes a day talkint to his mom, half an hour a week talking to my parents, 1 hour doing yoga, 2 hours a day alone taking care of hour kid, 4 hours a week with his friends, 2 hours a day for me and some extra time whenever he got time. So if he had another one he would cut time somewhere and he wouldnt cut the time from his work. I can't allow the time being cut from my child, nore from our family. He wouldnt cut down on is friends either. SO the only place he culd cut down would be on me. And that would be impossible to bear. NOt just jelousy would be a problem but actual neglection. So it wouldnt just be an irrational fear of loosing out, it would actually be loosing out on time with him. ALso being jelous for instance for his focus on his job is something I have and can deal with, but only as it isnothing I can be. But another girl would be like I am not enough. SO it is not comparable. Jelousy and its dimenions is not that easy to be defined. @@AmamiRiku124
He’s so good at acknowledging what he doesn’t know yet. Great guest. I also agree with these comments that everyone I’ve ever met with these poly situations has some mental health issues and a clear need to signal that they won’t comply to social norms.
Anyone with a reasonable amount of experience with (what ever you’re in to as far as a partner) already knows the answer is no. You have to find a handful of people completely emotionally numb to even have a chance for it to work out… and even if it works out in the short term… emotions, attachment, jealousy and what not else WILL happen and it’ll fall apart.
I had an ex who wanted to do "polyamory". I laughed and said, "when did the word "skank" get so many new syllables?" She went and had her fun and baby trapped a rich guy. Lucky fella 😅
Lots of men like the idea of having multiple women but the reality is, even if women were willing to participate in that arrangement, it would only be high high status men with a significant amount of wealth. And guess what, those high status men would leave less women for average joes like the guy being interviewed.
The problem with dating in the modern era is we are trying to combine things which don’t mesh. People want both raw attraction and freedom but also want long term stability and commitment. It doesn’t work like that because humans evolved for small tribes and short lives, whereas civilization formed with a lot of rules and restrictions like arranged marriages, out of wedlocke s** is illegal or heavily shamed, etc. to maintain stability and longer partnerships. What he traits we are biologically attracted to and drawn to choose are not the same as the traits that indicate someone will be a stable healthy long term partner.
For professional reasons I've experienced polyamorous culture up close several times, over longer periods, though I've always been monogamous myself. I have to say that it seems there's a fundamental idea that painful, difficult emotions are something to be overcome and eradicated, as opposed to integrated and accepted. Most of them tended to indulge in superficial therapy speak and constantly trying to be overly accommodating and "goody goody", whilst seemingly not being really genuine and sincere. Always seemed like thick denial and toxic positivity. And a lot of gaslighting. It made me very sick to be around them and I'm so happy it's in my past now!
have anyone worked/studied in a all female enviorment? Its toxic, passive aggressive, lots of backstabing. Just imagine the under the desk fights and aggressiveness in one household, chaos.
I worked in a deli when I was a teenager. Ten or so employees, and I was the only guy there for... almost a year, I think? It was definitely passive-aggressive a lot of the time, but mostly I got on fine with them all; especially the older women, in retrospect. Guess they were easier to talk to. I'd never do it again, though. Too many times I covered Friday/Saturday night shifts if one of them asked to switch with me, too few times the favour was returned.
In the gay community I was now quite a few years ago, I knew some couples who were in an open relationship. But it always seemed to me that, within those couples, there was the more dominant (usually also more confident and/or physically attractive) partner of whom you could easily assume they were the initiator for it. As far as I know, none of those relationships have survived. It may work for some, but I feel it definitely isn't an arrangement fit for most people.
That would actually mirror a lot of straight couples that get into an open relationship. The woman initiates, knowing full well she holds the VAST amount of sexual currency in the relationship ❤
One of my friends advocates non-monogamy. When he tells girls about it somehow 90% of them don't continue meeting him. I wouldn't ever go into a relationship with a girl who advocates it. It's so fucked up that people think this would be normal...
It’s true. You refuse to show constraint because you’d rather consume for your own selfish reason. “Baby, please allow me to indulge in these intimate things with other people because I want to and it will make me feel good” That’s all it is.
@@KyngD469 Alternatively, "Our relationship is secure enough that we can both still have meaningful relationships with other people and know that it takes nothing from each other." At least, that's how my poly friends have described it.
@@patc2515No it doesn’t… not even in the slightest. The only time that can be halfway feasible is if you are someone that has absolutely ZERO emotions and you happen to find multiple other people with absolutely ZERO emotions. There is ZERO chance of that happening for any period of time.
@@patc2515just pay for street ladies and be done. Trying to sustain it is madness. I know a billionaire with never ending generational money, and he came to the conclusion that one wife is all. He could have plenty of options each day of the week, and afford it all, it was too much in the end.
This seems to be another luxury belief (a practice that can only be survived if one has financial resources and stability). People are bored and this is a fad (fast-food for the soul). Anecdotally, It seems that polyamorous societies are vulnerable to more violence due to lower-tiered males being denied opportunities for relationships. I would also suspect that this is a social contagion exacerbated by trauma histories + covid. Just because there is a teeny tiny percentage of people able to have "successful" polycules, whatever that means, ....doesn't mean it is wise to promote the lifestyle.
It is a fad. It used to be called an open relationship and wasn’t an identity. 😂 I think there is validity to seeking something else because lifelong monogamy, primarily marriage, isn’t working. But we do seem to prefer serial monogamy as a whole.
Speaking as someone who has been practicing poly for 7 years and an admin for the local community for about 5 of those years, I want to thank you for having a nuanced and balanced discussion of non-monogamy. I will add that 1- there appear to be a larger proportion of neurodivergent folks in the poly community than in the monogamous community, 2- the image problem that non-monogamy has is more a result of the way non-monogamy has been portrayed in the media (and this video's thumbnail) as all about sex, one man and two women, and unicorn hunting, 3- choosing a poly lovestyle has been one of the biggest times of mindset growth I've ever had because of the requirement to unravel toxic monogamy programming from everywhere under the sun, 4- I've encountered my share of 'polyfuckery' where someone's mindset around poly hasn't been addressed so they are using poly people to meet some unmet need that ends up doing harm (one penis policy, extreme couple's privilege, sex addiction, dating someone fun until they find 'the one', needing keep our relationship secret to protect someone else etc) 5- the way I look at compersion and jealousy is that I can't be everything to my partner and it's exhausting to have to be everything so having someone else meet that need takes a lot of pressure off me having to do something I can't/won't do
@kenofken9458 you appear to be scrolling through trying to justify or defender your lifestyle. Which means you probably are struggling to truly commit to that line of thinking. This is the internet. So its very easy to front and pretend things are good. Dont sell your soul for short term pleasure. Or do what you want.
HOW??? can you love someone and be ok sharing that person with others? that is not love, that is the pursuit of self gratification, shallow understanding of what true commitment and love is, and being in complete denial of the long term emotional consequences.
The high rate of infidelity causing not just complications but such extreme trauma to the person cheated on that it usually leads to a complete downfall of relationship and a lot of people report having been so traumatized from a past infidelity that it causes extreme depression and anxiety that effects all their new relationships and even makes people stay single for fear it will happen again. And saying well, let’s be poly because then we won’t have to cheat, but that’s not actually true because of how much cheating happens in poly relationships. It’s one thing to say “we will tell each other everything and have rules so we feel more secure” but the truth is that it’s just as hard to tell your partner everything and just as hard to stick to rules as when you’re monogamous. Poly is just an excuse to get into other beds and not feel bad about it.
The problem.. having experienced all of the above, is that the non-monogamous relationship usually starts as monogamy and is about shopping, looking for a new partner while wanting the stability of the old relationship. That’s not any different than an affair and in my experience in the long run, no less damaging.
I’m going to laugh if/when harem marriages start to happen. The top men will have all the women, the vast majority of men will be single and lonely and angry, and then chaos will ensue.
I believe they wouldn't choose to marry any of these women as long as women's rights exist, because these individuals are intelligent and skilled in managing their finances. I don't personally know any men between the ages of 30 and 40 who have acquired significant wealth and married in a conventional sense. Instead, they typically have legal arrangements or some form of non-traditional, non-marital relationships with the women in their lives. Also Chaoes ist not going to happen, because history tell, that just an average of 40% of the men had offspring, it was longer rather the majority of time that wealthy men had multiple women, than the other way around.
@@sad_wrangler8515 history on this subject can’t be used as an example. Most men died in war, therefore, didn’t have as many children and the men who didn’t die had kids. And plus the internet wasn’t a thing. People are more aware of these issues and can talk to people now over the internet who have similar problems. This will breed more anger and hatred across the globe if this idea of harem marriages become a thing. Men aren’t going to work to keep a society going that openly despises them and casts them aside for the top men. Men who keep the world going need a reason to do so. And that’s coming home to a loving wife and children. You take that away and society will crumble and these men will burn the ruins to dust
@@C12341 >because historically it's been such a bad bargain for most women. part of the bargain of having a man was protection from *other* men. women are the vulnerable sex.
We've already seen people with Dark Triad personality exploiting others in the dating market. I'd be curious to learn about research on how they exploit others in consensual non-monogamous relationships/polyamorous relationships.
The suggestion that some of these polygamous relationship tips/tricks might also be useful for people with one partner were cracking me up. Absolutely bonkers
It's truly heartrending to consider how the children in a fractured, unstructured polyamorous household must grapple with the weight of their circumstances. They might feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, believing they must protect those around them, even though they're dealing with a situationship beyond their control. This environment can inadvertently lead to the upbringing of children facing vulnerability, impulsiveness, and potentially even struggles with alcoholism. All of this unfolds in a world that seems to be growing more challenging by the day, marked by issues like overpopulation, resource scarcity, and the conflicts that arise as a result. It's a painful cycle that these young souls find themselves caught in, and it's essential that we approach this with compassion and a genuine desire to support them in finding stability and peace. Just sad.
Only polygamous relationships i ever witness was a pimp and his hoes or religious marriages (mormom or islam). The vast majority of others are just cheaters and usually their relationships blows up in their faces.
LOL. Why is it always multiple wives for one guy? Why not the other way around? Btw - having been married for twenty years to a woman who is a good mother, beautiful and highly intelligent... I think having two of those would be a bit much - very demanding on the man and very expensive even if the woman works. Not to mention the attention deficient a woman might feel (or man if the other way around). However, what this guy is talking about when you get right down to the basics of his non-monogamy proposition is nothing new... Read Brave New World. What is being described more or less in this podcast is the relationships between the alphas of that novel/book... Not a good situation in the end for society as a whole. Monogamy fails today for two reasons... We live much longer than in the past where being a widow or widower at a relatively young age was not unusual... and second, divorce is extremely easy today with few ramifications from a social stigma point of view - even though it is a proven fact that it is the children who suffer the most from these separations - sometimes with irreparable damage. But modern technological society doesn't seem to care much about that - hence the Brave New World comparison.
At least the move out will be less of a headache. 1/3rd of your shit is lighter then half. Arranging the trunk of an Uber is fare less hassle then aranging a moving truck.
@@couragecoachsamno it’s not. Look at sister wives, Kody lost every wife except one. And lost some kids in the process as well. He was manipulative and a thief of the 3 wives that left him.
@@ll2323 we don't believe Fundamentalist Mormons are practicing plural marriage with proper authority. And they weren't practicing polyamory which is my argument.
Monogamous marriage is like a ships keel. It’s easy to ignore it, most people don’t understand what it does, and it’s more or less hidden to the casual observer. However, if it breaks, the boat sinks.
Why are we acting like non-monogamy is a new thing? Polygamy, infidelity, and even the social acceptance of mistresses has been around for a long time. While the new landscape is a little different, the idea that this is new ground is silly.
I taught middle school. You’d be appalled at how many girls INSIST on polyamory and the boys go along with it with a big smile. They get their first little harem at 13. It’s disgusting.
@slowdown7276 You're the one making an assumption. They're probably just taking. Just like the people who believe their wife when she says he's just a friend.
this dynamic is cruel with children in the mix. it's cruel to the participants no matter how they say they consent to it. the religion argument is preventing people from admitting to themselves that monogamy is clearly better.
i think the lines between consensual and coerced non-monogamy are highly blurred. in my circle of acquaintances it happened a few times in the exact same pattern: all politically very far left, she - while not being particularly attractive in the traditional sense - has some pull, while he is a rather meek male feminist type. while proclaiming that everything is agreed to go both ways, the reality on the ground looked very much one sided. also, with time and attention being finite resources and managing 1 partner, a career, a hand full of close friends and family, I would assume poly relationships tend to be more shallow. Or just have sex with your circle of friends, what do I know 😅
Speaking for evolutionary psychology, monogamy is the reason humans are so advanced. It can be argued all day but there will always be a tree in the road for the opposite.
Actually, if you follow data, 80% of woman were able to pass their genes to next generation and only 40% of men. Basically for that to happen, there was more than likely involuntary polygamous relationships in order to survive. Also humans are one of the few species that has concealed ovulation leading to a dual mating strategy, to look for the best and prevent an evolutionary dead end. The reason bottom 80% of men are needed to reproduce, is societies can’t be built without reproductive access.
Is sex the only difference between your relationship with your platonic friends and your relationship with your romantic partner? Or might there be a degree of intimacy, nonsexual touch, and emotional closeness that doesn't quite feel friendly?
@@anthonypillarella Aside from the "nonsexual touch" which is really quasi-sexual, I don't see how it's that much different than a very close friendship. At least those parts that a guy actually wants and aren't just emotional labor to keep the woman around.
I think everybody would be in favor of polygamy if half the men disappeared overnight. If that happened, there weren't enough men to go around for women unless they shared men, all of the moral objections would suddenly fly out the window. But to be honest polygamy is already here. Chad has many, many women and juggles them simultaneously.
Great quote from Robert Jordan. In his books a character called Mat Cauthon encountered another character who had 2 wives. When he found out his response was "You're either the luckiest man alive or the biggest fool who's ever lived"
Non-monogamy covers a wider area. He describes it early in. Polygamy and polygany describe non-monogamous relationships with feelings involved where as things like swinging and cuckholding don't have feelings involved
Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have multiple women at once, but at the same time, I know that most of those women aren’t happy because there will always be one who is favored over the others. Same with the children and grandchildren. I should know, my a granddad had more than 10 wives at the same time. I’m sure he was happy, but I know everyone else wasn’t.
How many of these polyamory researches study polygamy in nom western countries? This entire polygamy fad comes across to me like a decadent western phenomena, while the rest of the world have societies with a strong polygamous tradition or societally accepted and regulated extramarital affairs.
I have been for poliginy since early childhood. Any problemwith it, considering my CV? And all the mono- relatioships and marriage-disasters I have have seen since, read about, etc?
Great conversation, polyamory is the future of relationships I believe, but not for hundreds of years yet, we need to learn to handle our emotions first
My great grandfather had all three of his wives leave into the winter wilderness because he was presumably, an asshole. I always liked that story and think the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
non-monogamy just seems so stressfull and anxiety inducing to me. And requires a lot of mental gymnastics to make work. If your working so hard to make multiple partners happy, how are you every going to have time to just relax
@anthonypillarella Being you is fine, but you is a fallible being, so you is prone to weigh on your partners patience at times. And you cannot will another to work on a relationship with you. The effort must be absolutely mutual.
One thing I know for SURE …..IN BETWEEN POLYGAMY AND STAYING FOREVER SINGLE …..I CHOOSE TO STAY FOREVER SINGLE . I AM AN EXTREMIST IN THE SEXUAL AREA ….MAN HAS TO BE PURE AT ALL TIME ….IF HE IS NOT …..NO RESPECT FOR HIM .
It's not men driving this (or at the least the vast majority, meaning the lower 90% of men). I've had a couple of "polyamory" ads recently on TH-cam and it is always a female speaker talking about, "Well, you feel this way, but you can work through that and have all of this fun!" Unless you are a top 5% in every way, you would not win at this. However, if you are a top 50% female you could get access to these men. So, who wins in this scenario and who is pushing this?
Even if I wanted to entertain the idea of my woman having a side relationship with another man, I don’t believe she will be able to consistently prevent that side relationship from affecting our main relationship. Let me explain, say she promises that her side relationship will in no way shape or form negatively affect our main relationship, my devils advocate question will be this - “if you go have sexual encounters with another man on any given night, when you get home that same night will you be able to still take care of all my sexual needs? Will I still receive the same or similar experience with her that id receive if I were the only man she needed to spend energy on? If the answer is no and the reality is there will be nights that she comes home and tells me she’s too tired to accommodate me (due to being worn out by another encounter), then that would mean her side relationship is very much causing negative impact to our main relationship.
56:00 - "There is a fear that polyamory is a threat to monogamy" The reverse is true as well though. Monogamy is a threat to polyamory. They are both antithetical to each other and each person who prescribes to the other is one less person in that ideology's dating pool. And IMO this is why the poly community is so gung ho about getting themselves "validated" -- because they want to win the war. Otherwise they would just shut up about it and live their lives. -- Speaking as a person who is currently practicing non-monogamy. I hate the poly community with a passion. It's mostly led by psychopaths and narcissists who have NO regard for other people. Their PR is bad and will remain bad so long as they keep trying to convince people this is a "better" way. It's not better, in a lot of PROVEN, time-tested ways it's a lot worse. But that doesn't mean it can't be worth it for the right people in the right circumstances.
I wish you had got into the question of having children when Justin brought up in the sexual hygiene portion the fact that often it's important to have the possibility of procreation stopped as having children in a polyamorous relationship can be complicated. I feel like, especially if polyamory is going to be widely accepted in a culture that this would be a very important factor to know - how polyamorous people are managing having children together (boundaries, etc), as well as the potential consequences for the children raised in these relationships.
Does anyone remember when this was just called “playing the field?” Yes, multiple non exclusive relationships or dating or sex. So when the difference is that it is occurring in a marriage, it’s an open marriage. Why do we make up all of these identities around sex and dating? What silliness
So who lacks the integrity? The polyamorous people who do everything above board and with consent or the scores of millions of "monogamous" people who are sneaking something on the side all the time?
@@kenofken9458 you understand what we mean when we say monogamous right? Somone pretending to be monogamous while having sex with multiple people is by definition not monogamous and thus not the people we're comparing open relationships to. OK fine,having an affairs or being in a polycule are both ill advised life choices. What now?
@@kenofken9458 I totally get it but why even bother being with someone at that point? Why not just sleep around as a single person to their hearts content? I just don't understand this massive need to be constantly sleeping around with random people. Idk it's just gross imo
Even for the sluttiest among us, sex is maybe 1% of the time. The reasons we choose to stay with our core partner or partners is the other 99%. The dilemma is easily solved: If you're not into non-monogamy, don't practice it. Unless those who are living that lifestyle are trying to force you into it or poaching your partner, you don't have to worry about it.
This topic is somehow uncomfortable for me, I have to honestly say that I wont participate on this polyamourous relationships movement its almost like for it to work you have to care as least as possible about your own feelings and your boundaries, great content Chris !
If you ask me , when you lie to your life partner it is a lie . I prefer honesty , then you can decide if you want to be with person like that or not . Everyone should have the right to choose who they want to spend their time with . Personally I prefer to know the true intentions and expectations of the partner before I make that kind of decision . When two people have more in common , then such a relationship is more likely to survive . When you are dishonest in relation with your life partner what you expect from her ? Why People get divorced ? If they were happy together , would there be a divorce in the first place ? I'd rather be single than share my time with someone who cheats on me and lies .
These discussions never hit the real points that affect men and what men want, so this is great for making money. Like the US health care system, it’s more profitable to treat the symptom, and never the problem. Say single fellas
Hello you beauties. Access all episodes 10 hours earlier than TH-cam by Subscribing on Spotify - spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - apple.co/2MNqIgw. Here’s the timestamps:
00:00 Increase of Consensual Non-Monogamy
08:33 The Huge Role of Jealousy in Non-Monogamy
13:05 Personality Profiles of Non-Monogamous People
16:59 Most Common Non-Monogamy Practices
27:01 Importance of Exclusivity Agreements
29:37 Disclose Attraction Instead of Hiding It
35:31 Regulating Sexual Jealousy
45:41 Sharing New Partner With Current Partner
51:34 Non-Monogamy’s Branding Problem
1:05:23 Is Ancestral Polygamy a Myth?
1:15:40 Where to Find Justin
I come from Uganda, a predominantly religious country but with a lot of polygamous relationships.. the truth is in a lot of such households, there’s a lot of abuse, mistreatment, neglect and rivalries amongst the partners and children.. I feel privileged to have grown up in a 2 parent monogamous household because of the unfortunate results of polygamy we see.. I think the west and more liberal societies have a luxurious view of multiple partners and polygamy and recently almost fail to investigate how bad it can get when it goes wrong
Thank you for posting this. I have always desired to have multiple women in a closed committed relationship. Reading your comment, what I've learned from redpill, and from my experiences I can see the truth in that. I can begin to let go of that desire now.
Well said
Overall most research from the middle east shows a lot of psychological stress in blind studies (they didnt inform the doctors the wife was from a polygynous household) before performing health checkups.
Just looking at raw stats, the women were physically and mentally less well.
I know someone who grew up in Dubai and he said the same thing. His family is extremely well off, so he certainly could have more than wife, but he has seen how it messes up the kids in those families, so he doesn't want to.
In the US...domestic violence/abuse in polyamorous marriages is drastically lower than traditional monogamous marriages.
Also the divorce rate of polyamorous marriages is one THIRD...1/3(!!!!) the rate of monogamous marriages.
A friend of mine was brought up in a polycule by parents who practiced non-monogamous relationships. During her childhood, she grappled with a profound sense of abandonment and a feeling of not being loved or worthy of love, as her parents seemed more focused on pursuing different partners for their own gratification rather than prioritizing her upbringing (and her siblings').
Introducing multiple partners into a marriage or relationship gives rise to various obstacles, including the emergence of new relationship expectations, the potential for competition and conflict among partners, rivalry for shared resources, and the experience of jealousy, as pointed out by Justin.
With 65% of people having insecure attachment styles and many of us facing difficulties in maintaining a secure relationship with a single partner, the intricacies and complexities of non-monogamous relationships seem even more challenging to navigate.
It's also imperative to consider the profound impact such relationships can have on our children, if we have any.
Psychopathic parents is all that was.
@@ascratis5471but the role of the parent is to provide a physically and emotionally safe place for a child to grow up, receive love, and express themselves
My mother similarly abandoned me to her selfish interests and promiscuous urges but she would have insisted that she was monogamous.
@ascratis5471 Please, for the love of God, don't have children. 🙏
@@col.strayga1389 With that mentality, I think it's off the table, better to selfishly keep indulging!
I've never known a single person, man or woman, who was actively in a polygamous relationship who wasn't mentally ill or who hadn't grown up in an abusive household. Just saying. Hell, most people I know who openly advocate for polyamorous relationships would never actually accept one for themselves.
Same, I’ve never seen a healthy one
Yeah, I don't really think people are wired that way unless your wiring is fried. I have also never met any mentally stable people that have decided on that configuration.
Yep
By today's standards, everyone comes from a form of dysfunctional upbringing it seems? When taught by parents to NEVER hold secrets from others especially adults then told by teachers to hold secrets from them?
There's a problem here...A major one.
Men have done polygamy since the beginning of recorded history. And it is usually the most successful of men (kings, lords, etc)
Women have essentially never done it successfully.
I actually can't watch this because I was manipulated into a non-monogamy/polyamourous relationship by a long term partner. It destroyed my emotional and mental health which in turn affected my physically health badly. I'm as recovered as one can be having gone through something like that but not ready to hear someone extolling its virtues even though I know it can work for some very rare persons. I really don't think it should be promoted because the non-mog 'community' is full of people like me manipulated into it in one way or another and tyring to brainwash themselves into believing they are ok when they are clearly falling apart. I think those who truly want this lifestyle will find each other like they have always done - promoting it to the 'masses' and trying to make it fashionable is just creating more heartache and chaos in the world which as a planet we could really do without.
Keep healing ❤️🩹
I'm sorry you went through that, and I think society is playing an extremely dangerous game when it tries to make these things mainstream.
God bless you , i am so happy that you were able to protect yourself .
I’ve heard of other women being manipulated into these arrangements as well - mainly to keep their husband happy when the marriage is in a rough spot. Basically, a Hail Mary to keep their family together (they had young children in this scenario). Specifically, the one-sided non-monogamy where they invite other women into the bedroom. I wonder how common it is for that to happen.
@@TV-oc4ml it was the opposite actually but i was in a vulnerable place for other reasons
Obligatory "If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents!"
One partner is hard enough to maintain a relationship with when kids are involved. Polygamy only compounds that issue by adding more relationships into the mix.
That's why NONE make it in the end. It's a fase really,
A friend of mine tried this out about ten years ago. He had a girlfriend at the time who had two kids and bounced from partner to partner, sometimes having a few at once. She talked him into trying out being with both her and one of her other partners.
It didn't last long. The one time I asked about it a year or so later, he sort of dismissively referred to it as something like "having office anxiety at home".
Same. Mine didn’t last long
It’s far too complex and messy for the average person.
We all just need at least One dependable, reliable, trustworthy, committed partner who will provide the opposing and balancing force in our own lives.
It can be very challenging if you have an anxious attachment style. They struggle with a monogamous relationship needing constant reassurance and validation. And they have high levels of anxiety and jealousy.
Anyone who does this to their kids are beyond hedonistic and selfish. The mental health problems in these families will be absurd.
"hedonistic and selfish"
nah, they are probably already somewhat mentally ill to begin with LOL
the real question becomes, as humanity becomes more mentally ill, should the mentally ill be allowed to reproduce?
Agree 100%. They danced around “hedonism” and “social consequences” but never addressed the elephant in the room.
A friend of mine was brought up in a polycule by parents who embraced non-monogamous relationships. During her childhood, she grappled with a profound sense of abandonment and a feeling of not being loved or worthy of love, as her parents seemed more focused on pursuing different partners for their own gratification rather than prioritizing her upbringing (and her siblings'). Excessive individualism has led some of us to neglect our duties and responsibilities as parents to our children and our families.
@@BGFitnessNY children are quite literally the future of out society. They are in the forefront of the negative consequences of non-monogamy. By normalizing it, I would not be at all surprised to see spikes on those kinds of behaviors.
Also increases risk of child abuse introducing random adults into a relationship. Poor kids… they need stability and routine, not seeing their parents with different lovers
I’ve known quite a few couples now who were either poly or open for their entire relationship or they started doing swinger stuff at some point in their relationship and all of them, even the longest ones all failed.
Poly relationships fail, monogamous relationships fail. Relationships in general even with just friends or relatives is hard. Period. Fixing it with other sexual partners just doesn’t work.
We have these jealousy feelings for a reason. They are incredibly strong for a good reason. All successful societies have had monogamy at their core because it works best. It’s not perfect but what is??
Sexual jealousy is common amongst women because instincively women seek commitment from men, men who have a polygamy instinct (pro-creation) often opt for serval women if they have the ability to. The issue that araise is that relationships is complicated, but on base level: Women provide man access to sex, man give woman commitment. Meaning that any cheating on any side, or jealousy creates an intense pain for the partner. Which is the pain felt from the "primal fulfillment" breaking. You are losing commitment, you are losing access to sex.
Full time couples Counellor here. I've worked with loads of clients and I'm yet to meet a single couple where non monogamy actually works.
Checking out your channel...always good to get the input from therapists.
Right? Somebody in counselor training struggled with the concept of sample bias in statistics!🤣
Could it be that those without problems don't seek out your services?
is jealousy the issue or crossing boundaries or do they just tire of one another. Just curious
I ended a 2.5 year relationship with a gf because she violated our agreement that if either of us became uncomfortable with our open relationship, we’d revert back to our primary relationship and go back to monogamy. The open part of the relationship lasted only a few months. Never again
could you describe the downsides in more detail please?
1. Wich one of you weren't feeling right in this state of the relationship (non-monogamous) ?
2. Why - if she said so - did she ended up cheating on you ?
3. Do you think the previously non-monogamous nature of your relationship *doomed* you to failure if you tried to revert back to monogamy ?
What I got from this was a discussion about the various forms of degeneracy, and figuring out a way to make it "workable". Seems like the better option is to just commit to one person and making the best life together.
Exactly. How can I do this thing and not face the responsibilities or consequences for it.
Want the cake and eating it too. We have become so coddled and greedy. Seeking meaning in shallow hedonistic things.
It was weird that the guy kept comparing monogamy to abstinence only education. They aren't similar, but he seems to be trying to disparage monogamy with that comparison.
I've known people in poly relationships. I've seen lots of bad stuff: verbal and physical abuse, jealousy, and narcissism going on ("look at all these people who want me, while I ignore my main partner and bask in the attention!") I've also seen women angry at each other's existence because they're with the same guy.
I think poly is awful for children. Guys who are into poly don't want to do the work of raising someone else's kid. This means poly women with children are mostly single moms with a rotating sequence of short-term men. It's also worth mentioning that men are far more likely to abuse kids who aren't their biological children.
Ya. It sooo doesn’t work for most families and this guy just has a narrative that he’s trying hard to get us all to believe. And unfortunately a lot of young single desperate people will believe him and try and get nowhere in life. I’ve met soooo many of them who try this nonsense and it’s just such a waste of time they never get anywhere in life. They don’t build a stable home. They don’t have children usually unless it’s by accident, and they don’t build up generational wealth at all because everyone is completely independent. All they do is waste years trying to chase their ego and trying to get a temporary high off the newness of ever changing lovers
yeah, I would imagine that would be a valid issue@@threatened2024
What a brave new world- It’s all fun and games until society becomes a dumpster fire because of an unrestricted access to one another.
There’s going to be a lot of invisible men who just give up and stop contributing to society.
The rest will be history
It's already happening.
The men who give up and stop contributing won't be the problem. It's the 2nd child of a mans 3rd wife who will grow up to realize that he can't compete with his brothers. That the only lifestyle that he has ever known is now denied to him. That kid will burn the world down. Modern society and polygamy is not compatible.
There's also the very real threat that groups of men simply revert to yet another historical tactic to ensure they reproduce -- fighting over access to women
who wants to help prop up a system of "polite society" where you just funnel all of the potential mates to the top 1% of men?
@@adamhixon it almost seems like the perfect concoction to get steamrolled by another culture that promotes families
Invisible women are going to check out too
Yeah….. no.
I’ve known a handful of couples / acquaintances who are into this. They’re all…. Effing weird. I don’t know how else to put it. Nerds. Overweight. Purple hair. Lots of tattoos/piercings. I swear they’re always gamers / cosplay / renaissance fair / people who like to dress up as dogs or horses and whatever. They’re all freaking odd.
And none of them have stayed together, except the one friend I have whose husband is a total ahole but she’s too broken to leave.
Sounds like you know my sister personally 😬
I laughed out loud at this😂😂😂
@@DerUnbbekanteyooooo I'm weak over here lol
You know what the punishment is for polygamy? Two wives.
Thanks, I lol'd
Ha ha. That made me truly lol! I'm in a long term poly relationship and I read this out loud to my husband and he lol'd too 🤣 I like to think I'm a catch, and I know his other wife is, but I also know he has rolled his eyes _thousands_ of times over the last 20 years!
😂
😂😂
😂
It’s interesting how everyone who argues that non-monogamy is good for society never considers how it affects the psychological and emotional development of *children*, the literal future society. It’s “my needs, my desires, my freedom, my pleasure, my choice.” Pseudo-intellectual narcissistic gymnastics.
Very very well said!!!!
An ex of mine is in an open marriage with her current husband. She swears by how incredible it is. Then she told me that they hadn't had sex for a year and how she had started to feel disgusted by men and wondered if she was asexual... She was one of the most sexual women I have ever dated. so I tried to tell her that this obviously doesn't work for them, but she still insisted everything was great... Its better to work on the relationship you have, instead of outsourcing your needs to others.
Longterm committed relationships are complicated enough, and take so much work and intention to maintain. Why mess around and experiment with that? Why invite more chaos into the most important relationship in your life? When you want something to last, you treat it differently. You fiercely protect it. You don’t play with fire. I’m convinced people who experiment with non-monogamy are more concerned with short-term pleasure + experiences than the longterm satisfaction and success of their marriage. Or they are just misled by the way it is sold these days. The way these experts talk about non-monogamy probably makes people feel more sophisticated, intellectual, interesting, and superior to boring, simple, old-fashioned monogamous people.
But what I simply don’t understand is how people with kids have any time to seriously invest in people outside of their marriage and family. My husband and I love our kids and invest so much time and energy into them. We crave time with each other, and have to carve out time for dates and romance. I simply can’t imagine adding another person into the mix. Besides the jealousy and other problems, it would take time/energy from our kids and each other. Life is so busy anyway… what parent has time for another romantic relationship?
They often neglect their kids because they prioritize their own needs for polyamory over their kids' needs.
Well said
My biggest issue with this "new agey" relationship stuff like polygamous relationships for lack of a better description is how much people have to talk themselves into them to make them work. If you have to continually talk yourself into something is it actually working? Not trying to be judgemental just saying people are attempting to reinvent the wheel when it comes to human relationships if it's not broke don't fix it. My grandparents were married for over 60 years only separated by death and were the happiest couple I have ever known in my life.
Okay, but what if you don't have to talk yourself into it?
@@anthonypillarellathen that's fine but the expert who was advocating for polygamy on the podcast kept emphasising how you're going to feel jealous in multiple different ways and how you need to re-contextualise that along with any other frustrations you'll have while essentially swallowing your emotions.
But I for instance have levels of jelousy. I am jelous of my best friend hanging out with other close friends and potentially having a new best friend. However as she isnt the most important person in my life, I can kind of swallow it. I used to be jelous of my little brother but then relised that my parents acutally slightly love me more so jelousy got sorted. If my hsuband however would spend his resources and time attention to someone else than me and our child or family it is unbearable as we already made a deal on how things are spent. He spends most of his time on his research in front of his computer, 10 minutes a day talkint to his mom, half an hour a week talking to my parents, 1 hour doing yoga, 2 hours a day alone taking care of hour kid, 4 hours a week with his friends, 2 hours a day for me and some extra time whenever he got time. So if he had another one he would cut time somewhere and he wouldnt cut the time from his work. I can't allow the time being cut from my child, nore from our family. He wouldnt cut down on is friends either. SO the only place he culd cut down would be on me. And that would be impossible to bear. NOt just jelousy would be a problem but actual neglection. So it wouldnt just be an irrational fear of loosing out, it would actually be loosing out on time with him. ALso being jelous for instance for his focus on his job is something I have and can deal with, but only as it isnothing I can be. But another girl would be like I am not enough. SO it is not comparable. Jelousy and its dimenions is not that easy to be defined. @@AmamiRiku124
Be judgemental. The world desperately needs it.
I couldn't imagine how manipulative and attractive you would have to be to convince two women to marry you at the same time
"2 wives"
why would you even want 2 women to have the legal right to sue for 50% of your money? LOL
He’s so good at acknowledging what he doesn’t know yet. Great guest. I also agree with these comments that everyone I’ve ever met with these poly situations has some mental health issues and a clear need to signal that they won’t comply to social norms.
Anyone with a reasonable amount of experience with (what ever you’re in to as far as a partner) already knows the answer is no.
You have to find a handful of people completely emotionally numb to even have a chance for it to work out… and even if it works out in the short term… emotions, attachment, jealousy and what not else WILL happen and it’ll fall apart.
Yuuup.
Well, that's wildly untrue. But okay.
I had an ex who wanted to do "polyamory". I laughed and said, "when did the word "skank" get so many new syllables?"
She went and had her fun and baby trapped a rich guy. Lucky fella 😅
Lots of men like the idea of having multiple women but the reality is, even if women were willing to participate in that arrangement, it would only be high high status men with a significant amount of wealth.
And guess what, those high status men would leave less women for average joes like the guy being interviewed.
when men had their boots on women's necks and controlled the purse strings, most men were relatively "high status".
@@threatened2024 good for them. Be careful what you wish for.
I have multiples and it's not based on money.
The problem with dating in the modern era is we are trying to combine things which don’t mesh. People want both raw attraction and freedom but also want long term stability and commitment. It doesn’t work like that because humans evolved for small tribes and short lives, whereas civilization formed with a lot of rules and restrictions like arranged marriages, out of wedlocke s** is illegal or heavily shamed, etc. to maintain stability and longer partnerships.
What he traits we are biologically attracted to and drawn to choose are not the same as the traits that indicate someone will be a stable healthy long term partner.
There’s a lot of people, typically women, who are in open relationships, but their partner doesn’t know
@@mrdouche9172 exactly my point
For professional reasons I've experienced polyamorous culture up close several times, over longer periods, though I've always been monogamous myself. I have to say that it seems there's a fundamental idea that painful, difficult emotions are something to be overcome and eradicated, as opposed to integrated and accepted. Most of them tended to indulge in superficial therapy speak and constantly trying to be overly accommodating and "goody goody", whilst seemingly not being really genuine and sincere. Always seemed like thick denial and toxic positivity. And a lot of gaslighting. It made me very sick to be around them and I'm so happy it's in my past now!
have anyone worked/studied in a all female enviorment? Its toxic, passive aggressive, lots of backstabing. Just imagine the under the desk fights and aggressiveness in one household, chaos.
But women are supposed to be superior?
I worked in a deli when I was a teenager. Ten or so employees, and I was the only guy there for... almost a year, I think? It was definitely passive-aggressive a lot of the time, but mostly I got on fine with them all; especially the older women, in retrospect. Guess they were easier to talk to. I'd never do it again, though. Too many times I covered Friday/Saturday night shifts if one of them asked to switch with me, too few times the favour was returned.
In the gay community I was now quite a few years ago, I knew some couples who were in an open relationship. But it always seemed to me that, within those couples, there was the more dominant (usually also more confident and/or physically attractive) partner of whom you could easily assume they were the initiator for it. As far as I know, none of those relationships have survived. It may work for some, but I feel it definitely isn't an arrangement fit for most people.
That would actually mirror a lot of straight couples that get into an open relationship. The woman initiates, knowing full well she holds the VAST amount of sexual currency in the relationship ❤
One of my friends advocates non-monogamy. When he tells girls about it somehow 90% of them don't continue meeting him. I wouldn't ever go into a relationship with a girl who advocates it. It's so fucked up that people think this would be normal...
It's just ego. Different partners are convenient objects. It's not about loving anyone else but yourself.
Hilariously nonsensical.
It’s true. You refuse to show constraint because you’d rather consume for your own selfish reason.
“Baby, please allow me to indulge in these intimate things with other people because I want to and it will make me feel good”
That’s all it is.
@@KyngD469 Alternatively, "Our relationship is secure enough that we can both still have meaningful relationships with other people and know that it takes nothing from each other."
At least, that's how my poly friends have described it.
2+ wives sounds like an absolute NIGHTMARE
Yes but 2 + girlfriends sounds great
I’m a wife and I agree with you lol. We have 3 daughters, too. It’s enough. 😂
@@patc2515No it doesn’t… not even in the slightest.
The only time that can be halfway feasible is if you are someone that has absolutely ZERO emotions and you happen to find multiple other people with absolutely ZERO emotions.
There is ZERO chance of that happening for any period of time.
@@patc2515just pay for street ladies and be done. Trying to sustain it is madness. I know a billionaire with never ending generational money, and he came to the conclusion that one wife is all. He could have plenty of options each day of the week, and afford it all, it was too much in the end.
@@patc2515 Maybe if they don't know about each other!
Couldn’t do it, I’d rather stay single if that’s the only option
But it isn't, so that's ok.
This seems to be another luxury belief (a practice that can only be survived if one has financial resources and stability). People are bored and this is a fad (fast-food for the soul). Anecdotally, It seems that polyamorous societies are vulnerable to more violence due to lower-tiered males being denied opportunities for relationships. I would also suspect that this is a social contagion exacerbated by trauma histories + covid. Just because there is a teeny tiny percentage of people able to have "successful" polycules, whatever that means, ....doesn't mean it is wise to promote the lifestyle.
You mean polygamous societies? Polyamorous ones are very different and men generally will have as many sexual opportunities as their partners.
Idk what you're talking about, this just sounds like more people to split rent with at a time when housing is wildly unaffordable.
It is a fad. It used to be called an open relationship and wasn’t an identity. 😂 I think there is validity to seeking something else because lifelong monogamy, primarily marriage, isn’t working. But we do seem to prefer serial monogamy as a whole.
Speaking as someone who has been practicing poly for 7 years and an admin for the local community for about 5 of those years, I want to thank you for having a nuanced and balanced discussion of non-monogamy. I will add that 1- there appear to be a larger proportion of neurodivergent folks in the poly community than in the monogamous community, 2- the image problem that non-monogamy has is more a result of the way non-monogamy has been portrayed in the media (and this video's thumbnail) as all about sex, one man and two women, and unicorn hunting, 3- choosing a poly lovestyle has been one of the biggest times of mindset growth I've ever had because of the requirement to unravel toxic monogamy programming from everywhere under the sun, 4- I've encountered my share of 'polyfuckery' where someone's mindset around poly hasn't been addressed so they are using poly people to meet some unmet need that ends up doing harm (one penis policy, extreme couple's privilege, sex addiction, dating someone fun until they find 'the one', needing keep our relationship secret to protect someone else etc) 5- the way I look at compersion and jealousy is that I can't be everything to my partner and it's exhausting to have to be everything so having someone else meet that need takes a lot of pressure off me having to do something I can't/won't do
Murder is not frowned upon when it’s war.
Cheating is not frowned upon when you’re poly.
Poly is just an excuse to cheat. Period.
Hahahahaha
Unlike you, those of us who are poly don't need "excuses" to live our best lives.
@kenofken9458 you appear to be scrolling through trying to justify or defender your lifestyle. Which means you probably are struggling to truly commit to that line of thinking. This is the internet. So its very easy to front and pretend things are good.
Dont sell your soul for short term pleasure. Or do what you want.
I've been on this path for almost 30 years so I don't think I'm struggling to justify it to myself.
Happiness is it's own justification.
@@KyngD469 Having multiple long-term partners is not a short-term pleasure. By definition.
HOW??? can you love someone and be ok sharing that person with others? that is not love, that is the pursuit of self gratification, shallow understanding of what true commitment and love is, and being in complete denial of the long term emotional consequences.
The high rate of infidelity causing not just complications but such extreme trauma to the person cheated on that it usually leads to a complete downfall of relationship and a lot of people report having been so traumatized from a past infidelity that it causes extreme depression and anxiety that effects all their new relationships and even makes people stay single for fear it will happen again.
And saying well, let’s be poly because then we won’t have to cheat, but that’s not actually true because of how much cheating happens in poly relationships. It’s one thing to say “we will tell each other everything and have rules so we feel more secure” but the truth is that it’s just as hard to tell your partner everything and just as hard to stick to rules as when you’re monogamous.
Poly is just an excuse to get into other beds and not feel bad about it.
What is considered cheating in poly relationships? :)
The problem.. having experienced all of the above, is that the non-monogamous relationship usually starts as monogamy and is about shopping, looking for a new partner while wanting the stability of the old relationship. That’s not any different than an affair and in my experience in the long run, no less damaging.
I’m going to laugh if/when harem marriages start to happen. The top men will have all the women, the vast majority of men will be single and lonely and angry, and then chaos will ensue.
Exactly
I believe they wouldn't choose to marry any of these women as long as women's rights exist, because these individuals are intelligent and skilled in managing their finances. I don't personally know any men between the ages of 30 and 40 who have acquired significant wealth and married in a conventional sense. Instead, they typically have legal arrangements or some form of non-traditional, non-marital relationships with the women in their lives. Also Chaoes ist not going to happen, because history tell, that just an average of 40% of the men had offspring, it was longer rather the majority of time that wealthy men had multiple women, than the other way around.
@@sad_wrangler8515 history on this subject can’t be used as an example. Most men died in war, therefore, didn’t have as many children and the men who didn’t die had kids. And plus the internet wasn’t a thing. People are more aware of these issues and can talk to people now over the internet who have similar problems. This will breed more anger and hatred across the globe if this idea of harem marriages become a thing. Men aren’t going to work to keep a society going that openly despises them and casts them aside for the top men. Men who keep the world going need a reason to do so. And that’s coming home to a loving wife and children. You take that away and society will crumble and these men will burn the ruins to dust
@@C12341 women have been accepting it for all of recorded history.
@@C12341
>because historically it's been such a bad bargain for most women.
part of the bargain of having a man was protection from *other* men.
women are the vulnerable sex.
We've already seen people with Dark Triad personality exploiting others in the dating market. I'd be curious to learn about research on how they exploit others in consensual non-monogamous relationships/polyamorous relationships.
The suggestion that some of these polygamous relationship tips/tricks might also be useful for people with one partner were cracking me up. Absolutely bonkers
How so?
It's taking the principles of communication within open relationships and finding that it helps even those in monogamous relationships.
Anyone else get the feeling that we have all been watching Chris slowly talk himself into something over the course of the last year or so?
Sort of, but I can't quite define what that "something" is. Could you be more explicit?
It's truly heartrending to consider how the children in a fractured, unstructured polyamorous household must grapple with the weight of their circumstances. They might feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, believing they must protect those around them, even though they're dealing with a situationship beyond their control. This environment can inadvertently lead to the upbringing of children facing vulnerability, impulsiveness, and potentially even struggles with alcoholism. All of this unfolds in a world that seems to be growing more challenging by the day, marked by issues like overpopulation, resource scarcity, and the conflicts that arise as a result. It's a painful cycle that these young souls find themselves caught in, and it's essential that we approach this with compassion and a genuine desire to support them in finding stability and peace. Just sad.
I am really happy to see how civil this chat is, when I saw the ratio I wasn't sure what to expect, well done all.
TLDR; Its a mostly bad idea for most people. And please dont mess with kids with this stuff. They need stable parenting.
Only polygamous relationships i ever witness was a pimp and his hoes or religious marriages (mormom or islam). The vast majority of others are just cheaters and usually their relationships blows up in their faces.
Ah yes, pimping and forced polygamy are definitely less immoral than consensually agreeing to a different definition of "cheating."
LOL. Why is it always multiple wives for one guy? Why not the other way around? Btw - having been married for twenty years to a woman who is a good mother, beautiful and highly intelligent... I think having two of those would be a bit much - very demanding on the man and very expensive even if the woman works. Not to mention the attention deficient a woman might feel (or man if the other way around). However, what this guy is talking about when you get right down to the basics of his non-monogamy proposition is nothing new... Read Brave New World. What is being described more or less in this podcast is the relationships between the alphas of that novel/book... Not a good situation in the end for society as a whole. Monogamy fails today for two reasons... We live much longer than in the past where being a widow or widower at a relatively young age was not unusual... and second, divorce is extremely easy today with few ramifications from a social stigma point of view - even though it is a proven fact that it is the children who suffer the most from these separations - sometimes with irreparable damage. But modern technological society doesn't seem to care much about that - hence the Brave New World comparison.
im imagining two divorces at the same time😂
exactly
flee the country at that point LOL
also: divorce lawyer: thank you for opening up new frontiers of invoicing for us rofl
At least the move out will be less of a headache. 1/3rd of your shit is lighter then half. Arranging the trunk of an Uber is fare less hassle then aranging a moving truck.
Mark Twain did an interesting fictional piece where he interviews Brigham Young on the negatives of polygamy. It's a very good read on this subject.
Plural marriage as practiced by Mormons wasn’t without its challenges, but it’s significantly different from polyamory
@@couragecoachsamno it’s not. Look at sister wives, Kody lost every wife except one. And lost some kids in the process as well. He was manipulative and a thief of the 3 wives that left him.
@@ll2323 we don't believe Fundamentalist Mormons are practicing plural marriage with proper authority. And they weren't practicing polyamory which is my argument.
The last few nails for Western civilization
Some people just want more problems
you mean challenges,. yes of course
women.☕
@@conceptualelegance
here's a challenge: give me all your money
then try to convince me to give it back to you rofl
Monogamous marriage is like a ships keel. It’s easy to ignore it, most people don’t understand what it does, and it’s more or less hidden to the casual observer. However, if it breaks, the boat sinks.
If it breaks, the boat doesn't sink. The divorce lawyers take both parties life savings and buy themselves a new boat.
Why are we acting like non-monogamy is a new thing? Polygamy, infidelity, and even the social acceptance of mistresses has been around for a long time. While the new landscape is a little different, the idea that this is new ground is silly.
Chris is asking the question anime fans been too afraid to ask
They know the truth and it ain't pretty for them.
No.
Hey Zuby sup
Weak.
I taught middle school. You’d be appalled at how many girls INSIST on polyamory and the boys go along with it with a big smile. They get their first little harem at 13. It’s disgusting.
I don't think they are doing it Alyssa, probably just talking.
@@slowdown7276🤔 How old are you? This isn't the 50's girls are getting pregnant at 13 all the time.
@@col.strayga1389 Show the stats. Otherwise you are just farting out your opinion.
@slowdown7276 You're the one making an assumption. They're probably just taking. Just like the people who believe their wife when she says he's just a friend.
this dynamic is cruel with children in the mix. it's cruel to the participants no matter how they say they consent to it. the religion argument is preventing people from admitting to themselves that monogamy is clearly better.
i think the lines between consensual and coerced non-monogamy are highly blurred. in my circle of acquaintances it happened a few times in the exact same pattern: all politically very far left, she - while not being particularly attractive in the traditional sense - has some pull, while he is a rather meek male feminist type.
while proclaiming that everything is agreed to go both ways, the reality on the ground looked very much one sided.
also, with time and attention being finite resources and managing 1 partner, a career, a hand full of close friends and family, I would assume poly relationships tend to be more shallow.
Or just have sex with your circle of friends, what do I know 😅
Speaking for evolutionary psychology, monogamy is the reason humans are so advanced. It can be argued all day but there will always be a tree in the road for the opposite.
And how do you explain concealed monogamy in evopsych terms?
Actually, if you follow data, 80% of woman were able to pass their genes to next generation and only 40% of men. Basically for that to happen, there was more than likely involuntary polygamous relationships in order to survive. Also humans are one of the few species that has concealed ovulation leading to a dual mating strategy, to look for the best and prevent an evolutionary dead end. The reason bottom 80% of men are needed to reproduce, is societies can’t be built without reproductive access.
Polygamy does real harm to demoralizing men and women and serves but few
"Non-monogamy is not always sexual"
What happened to having friends lol.
Is sex the only difference between your relationship with your platonic friends and your relationship with your romantic partner?
Or might there be a degree of intimacy, nonsexual touch, and emotional closeness that doesn't quite feel friendly?
Right? How many straight guys snuggle on the couch with their straight guy friends?
@@anthonypillarella Aside from the "nonsexual touch" which is really quasi-sexual, I don't see how it's that much different than a very close friendship. At least those parts that a guy actually wants and aren't just emotional labor to keep the woman around.
Popular doesn't mean good.
Just remember back to all those "popular" kids in high school and how much of a dick most of them were.
I think everybody would be in favor of polygamy if half the men disappeared overnight. If that happened, there weren't enough men to go around for women unless they shared men, all of the moral objections would suddenly fly out the window. But to be honest polygamy is already here. Chad has many, many women and juggles them simultaneously.
Great quote from Robert Jordan. In his books a character called Mat Cauthon encountered another character who had 2 wives. When he found out his response was "You're either the luckiest man alive or the biggest fool who's ever lived"
And people would still cheat I'm sure. Whether it's one guy two women or vice versa.
Non-monogamy vs. Polygamy
Nice re-frame = successful rebrand.
Non-monogamy covers a wider area. He describes it early in. Polygamy and polygany describe non-monogamous relationships with feelings involved where as things like swinging and cuckholding don't have feelings involved
This is the silliest wishful thinking I’ve ever heard. Emotions are not involved? Dont kid yourself.
there were some very interesting tidbits but honestly a lot of this felt like confirmation that sky is blue
Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have multiple women at once, but at the same time, I know that most of those women aren’t happy because there will always be one who is favored over the others. Same with the children and grandchildren. I should know, my a granddad had more than 10 wives at the same time. I’m sure he was happy, but I know everyone else wasn’t.
So far it seems like the assertions are mostly things that Chris's interlocutor wishes were true.
It almost never works long term. Raising kids, the actually logistics is almost impossible to make work.
How many of these polyamory researches study polygamy in nom western countries?
This entire polygamy fad comes across to me like a decadent western phenomena, while the rest of the world have societies with a strong polygamous tradition or societally accepted and regulated extramarital affairs.
I have been for poliginy since early childhood. Any problemwith it, considering my CV? And all the mono- relatioships and marriage-disasters I have have seen since, read about, etc?
1 in 5 trying consensual non-monogamy? Maybe in california only
Great conversation, polyamory is the future of relationships I believe, but not for hundreds of years yet, we need to learn to handle our emotions first
İ wonder how these people will get old, what will happen when they go through some health problems.All of a sudden that crowd will disappear.
And the same for the children when they grow
My great grandfather had all three of his wives leave into the winter wilderness because he was presumably, an asshole. I always liked that story and think the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
non-monogamy just seems so stressfull and anxiety inducing to me. And requires a lot of mental gymnastics to make work. If your working so hard to make multiple partners happy, how are you every going to have time to just relax
Why do you view it as such hard work to "make your partner happy?" Why isn't just being you and working with them enough?
If you have more than one kid, how are you ever going to have time to just relax?
You make time for the people who are important to you.
@anthonypillarella
Being you is fine, but you is a fallible being, so you is prone to weigh on your partners patience at times.
And you cannot will another to work on a relationship with you. The effort must be absolutely mutual.
@@MisyeDiVre Okay. That still doesn't mean it's your job to "work to make your partner happy," as the person said.
One thing I know for SURE …..IN BETWEEN POLYGAMY AND STAYING FOREVER SINGLE …..I CHOOSE TO STAY FOREVER SINGLE . I AM AN EXTREMIST IN THE SEXUAL AREA ….MAN HAS TO BE PURE AT ALL TIME ….IF HE IS NOT …..NO RESPECT FOR HIM .
Can't get 1 wife, but i sure am ready for 2 of them!
It's not men driving this (or at the least the vast majority, meaning the lower 90% of men). I've had a couple of "polyamory" ads recently on TH-cam and it is always a female speaker talking about, "Well, you feel this way, but you can work through that and have all of this fun!" Unless you are a top 5% in every way, you would not win at this. However, if you are a top 50% female you could get access to these men. So, who wins in this scenario and who is pushing this?
Even if I wanted to entertain the idea of my woman having a side relationship with another man, I don’t believe she will be able to consistently prevent that side relationship from affecting our main relationship.
Let me explain, say she promises that her side relationship will in no way shape or form negatively affect our main relationship, my devils advocate question will be this - “if you go have sexual encounters with another man on any given night, when you get home that same night will you be able to still take care of all my sexual needs? Will I still receive the same or similar experience with her that id receive if I were the only man she needed to spend energy on? If the answer is no and the reality is there will be nights that she comes home and tells me she’s too tired to accommodate me (due to being worn out by another encounter), then that would mean her side relationship is very much causing negative impact to our main relationship.
If you're smart, you'll use the night she's busy with others to get busy with your other partner.
@@kenofken9458so toxic to live under strategies like that
56:00 - "There is a fear that polyamory is a threat to monogamy"
The reverse is true as well though. Monogamy is a threat to polyamory. They are both antithetical to each other and each person who prescribes to the other is one less person in that ideology's dating pool.
And IMO this is why the poly community is so gung ho about getting themselves "validated" -- because they want to win the war. Otherwise they would just shut up about it and live their lives.
-- Speaking as a person who is currently practicing non-monogamy. I hate the poly community with a passion. It's mostly led by psychopaths and narcissists who have NO regard for other people. Their PR is bad and will remain bad so long as they keep trying to convince people this is a "better" way. It's not better, in a lot of PROVEN, time-tested ways it's a lot worse. But that doesn't mean it can't be worth it for the right people in the right circumstances.
I wish you had got into the question of having children when Justin brought up in the sexual hygiene portion the fact that often it's important to have the possibility of procreation stopped as having children in a polyamorous relationship can be complicated. I feel like, especially if polyamory is going to be widely accepted in a culture that this would be a very important factor to know - how polyamorous people are managing having children together (boundaries, etc), as well as the potential consequences for the children raised in these relationships.
Two wives = problems squared 🤣
And happiness squared.
It’s not yours it’s just your turn: on steroids.
Literally
I can’t think of anything worse than having 2 husbands 😂
Having 3. There you go
But I agree. Can't imagine to organize life to fit more than one romantic relationship.
Does anyone remember when this was just called “playing the field?” Yes, multiple non exclusive relationships or dating or sex. So when the difference is that it is occurring in a marriage, it’s an open marriage. Why do we make up all of these identities around sex and dating? What silliness
One other person can't fulfill all your needs, which is why we turn to God first.
If people are getting into relationships without any integrity or intention to do it right, why even bother at that point. I just don't understand it.
So who lacks the integrity? The polyamorous people who do everything above board and with consent or the scores of millions of "monogamous" people who are sneaking something on the side all the time?
@@kenofken9458 you understand what we mean when we say monogamous right? Somone pretending to be monogamous while having sex with multiple people is by definition not monogamous and thus not the people we're comparing open relationships to. OK fine,having an affairs or being in a polycule are both ill advised life choices. What now?
If two people are open about not being exclusive with each other, nobody is "pretending" to be monogamous or cheating.
@@kenofken9458 I totally get it but why even bother being with someone at that point? Why not just sleep around as a single person to their hearts content? I just don't understand this massive need to be constantly sleeping around with random people. Idk it's just gross imo
Even for the sluttiest among us, sex is maybe 1% of the time. The reasons we choose to stay with our core partner or partners is the other 99%.
The dilemma is easily solved: If you're not into non-monogamy, don't practice it. Unless those who are living that lifestyle are trying to force you into it or poaching your partner, you don't have to worry about it.
This topic is somehow uncomfortable for me, I have to honestly say that I wont participate on this polyamourous relationships movement its almost like for it to work you have to care as least as possible about your own feelings and your boundaries, great content Chris !
How?
If you ask me , when you lie to your life partner it is a lie .
I prefer honesty , then you can decide if you want to be with person like that or not .
Everyone should have the right to
choose who they want to spend
their time with .
Personally I prefer to know the true intentions and expectations of the partner before I make that kind of decision .
When two people have more in common , then such a relationship
is more likely to survive .
When you are dishonest in relation with your life partner what you expect from her ?
Why People get divorced ?
If they were happy together , would
there be a divorce in the first place ?
I'd rather be single than share my time with someone who cheats on me and lies .
Why is it never presented as multiple husbands?
Good question.
Two women? One is more than enough.
"Know thy enemy"
This guy is obviously not just a researcher but an active proponent of non monogamy, everyone should take his words with a big grain of salt
These discussions never hit the real points that affect men and what men want, so this is great for making money.
Like the US health care system, it’s more profitable to treat the symptom, and never the problem.
Say single fellas
Tfw the episode number and the subject are in perfect alignment
LOL
Haha I also just mentioned that. 😂