10 - Insensitivity to requests and preferences 9 - Being a fun sucker 8 - Laziness & Lack of appreciation 7 - Being mean 6 - Choose to hate (assume the worst about that person, practice pride and try to retaliate) 5 - Disrespect (treat people like possessions and use thing to manipulate people) 4 - Form and hold grievances (get hurt, overpersonalize the offence, blame someone else and create a victim story) 3 - Beig right 2 - Profanity (take something sacred and turn profane, detachment of morals) 1 - Negativity (thinking that this marriage is bad)
@TK Seems like disrespect and insensitivity to requests, both listed here. Tell him how you feel! “I think it’s great that we can still have our own time as individuals but I feel really unimportant and forgotten when I’m alone for extended hours late at night. What do you think we can do?”
My parents have been married 46 years and still get along great - and my mum said pretty much the same thing. She told me 3 things were important:1) When you marry, be friends with the same fundamental values. 2) 90% of what you fight over in marriage doesn't really matter in the bigger picture, so just let it go, or agree to disagree. Better to spend time laughing rather than fighting since you never get that time back. 3) Understand that you're still 2 different people so don't try to make the other person fit your pace. eg. my dad likes to leave water in the kitchen sink the whole day for washing dishes. My mum likes having a fresh sink of water each time she does the dishes. Their workaround has been to let each other do the dishes how they want, and leave it at that:) I'm not married, but gathering lots of info. This kind of information should be taught to single people before marriage, or even in schools - it's one of the most significant undertakings we take in life, and we mostly leave it to romance lol...that's crazy.
@@stevewise1656 hahaha. I think no discussions allowed on any subject has ruined mine, just sayin, when you can’t have a conversation can’t have a marriage,
@@notremembering I was half joking and completely understand your point. One of my friend's is now divorced and he said his wife and he avoided confrontation. They didn't argue at all and it was part of the or the downfall of his marriage. I wish you all the best moving forward.:)
Thank you for illuminating these 10 things... I have already realised in listening to your findings, that my mistake has been to look at my spouse and recognise a couple of these attributes in him when I should have been looking at these attributes in myself! On review, I score ten plus to my spouse’s two - how embarrassing! Indeed you have blessed me with this revelation today - it’s time to seek that change in myself - Blessings
I've lived 35 years, and never heard a woman admit being the primary cause of marital problems. If you don't change, you can't expect any improvement, unless you're miserable and want him to be.
That’s usually how it goes… what we dislike in others are often reflections or refractions of ourselves. Anytime I think I have a problem with my spouse 95% of the time it’s really ME. And I have the power to resolve that with myself or with him in a constructive way. The other 5% is something silly that I usually just take in stride/laugh about bc it’s not worth frustration. Or it’s an opportunity to HELP my spouse. Sometimes he leaves things in weird places so I just put them back where they’re supposed to go ha. But you can choose to be annoyed or angry OR say yup that’s my quirky husband again!
Well this video definitely hit me in a way I didn't expect, but needed to hear. It made me realize how much I needed to work on my relationship with God and how much resentment and negativity I didn't realize I was harboring. Thank you for helping me see things in a new light. On the other side, I honestly believe that our marriage is amazing and that my husband is the best of the best (obviously we all have our faults, but his strengths far outweigh his faults). Ten years and counting of doing the hard things to make our marriage work 🙂
I had a friend years ago who said, Debbie quit shouldn’t on yourself.. I kept saying well I should’ve done this or that and that was her reply to me!! I laughed and yet it’s so true!!
I did all of those in my first 4 or 5 years of marriage. I also had post partum which was difficult to control. We are still married and its good. So we overcame that.
10. Not listening to requests and preferences. 9. Being a fun sucker, sucking the fun out of everything. 8. Laziness, not helping, lack of appreciation for what others do. 7. Being mean. 6. Choose hate. Assume the worst. Practice pride. Retaliate, hurt, punish, destroy. 5. Disrespect. Treat people like property. 4. Form and hold grievances. 3. Being right. When you think your spouse is the problem, that’s the problem. 2. Profanity. Meaning Anything that diminishes the relationship. 1. Negativity… thinking the relationship is bad.
Im glad im watching this. We are fine but I did n still doing almost all those 10... its hard i dont even realise i did it... thanks for making this video.
Be better don't be bitter. Just found this channel, so far i think it's one of the best out there and I really hope my wife joins me on rebuilding our marriage, of 21 years, it is hard very hard but I think I'm worth it and she's worth it. I hope 🙏 you can help us as I see we're in some kinda rut ahd everyone around us wants us to give up and go our separate ways but deep down we don't want that, we have alot to be grateful for and we both know that so I'm gonna give it all I got at my age I don't know how much more time I got, but what I do know is what is left of my life, I want it to be serving my beautiful bride. Cuz Mekanie you are my world.
My Wife and I are going through some things. She isn't sure if she wants to stay with me anymore. As far as I can tell I'm being nice, loving, kind, and compassionate. I compliment her daily, tell her I love her multiple times a day, offer to make her something to eat or drink, help her with her sickly father, and try to give her space. She isn't opening up to me and gets upset quickly.
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you don't have all the information and she isn't opening up. Let her know that when she is ready to talk you will be ready to listen and do that - LISTEN.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you. I've been doing what your videos say. I wrote the list of 25 things and messaged them to her. 2 days later she left and said she didn't know if she would be back. I've given her space and haven't talked or texted her. This is day 5. I was speaking very well of our marriage before she left and complimented her daily along with trying to build her up. She just sent a message not 2 minutes ago with a Bible verse. 1 Corinthians 7 1-6. I'm confused lol. I know we have a great marriage.
This list is spot on my friend. After watching, I feel encouraged that my marriage is actually in pretty good shape. I was a bit surprised not to find general honesty between spouses on the list. Absolute top priority in our relationship. No secrets!
Is there a way to make a spouse to start working to improve a relationship? I can’t seem to make her watch your videos and know how important hard work/willingness to improve our relationship is. To stop assuming the worse about each other. Having expectations instead of just asking for help.
Make as in force her? Nope. There isn’t. That’s the bad news. The GOOD news is that you do not need HER to start working on your marriage! You can make yourself start working on it. I know that sounds odd and sometimes (especially in the worst times of our relationships) down right UNFAIR. But it’s not and here is why, the more you concentrate on improving yourself and the things you can control 100% (your actions and reactions) the happier you will be and the better spouse you will be. This does two things, one as you make yourself happy you will be more pleasant to live with (you have to live with yourself too) and two you are modeling the behavior you would like to see in her! This puts the ball in her court, is she going to notice the impact what you are doing has on how things feel at home and want to reciprocate it OR is she going to blow it off? Either way it goes you get to take your new skills with you. I have also found that when my spouse is being hard to live with, doing an act of service for him always helps. We love those whom we serve, it is hard to be angry with someone when you are in the act of being kind. It is also far harder to be angry with someone when they are being kind to you. Good luck and I hope things are going well.
I'm grateful for Dr Paul and Vicki's content. It is inspirational and incredibly spot-on so often. Thank you for finding this platform and embracing the value of just putting it all out there. I'm sure you have peers that tell you that you're giving it all away. I've purchased your products to say thank you. I also am extremely happy to see how well you keep the messaging 'clean' for a secular audience that REALLY prefers not to hear about your faith. It would surely turn me off in a heartbeat. Even if I can't stand christianity, Christ was a cool cat. I'm always very pleased to see christian's embracing that cool in a way that we can come together. Thank you!!
This is so ironic , I scrolled on this even though I am not in a marriage or relationship. I’m just looking for self esteem and motivation- Anyway I like the channel and I decided to watch. I started taking notes and realized that the summary of the issues was perfect for me. Thank for some strategies that I can use for self-growth this month.
This is great. Thank you. I think you left out a part of #4, holding grievances. After creating your victim story, you have to bottle it up until it's time to retell the story. Bottling it up is the important part so you can build your grievance better. You can't go straight to presenting the story to the person you're holding the grievance against, because that might lead to understanding and resolution.
Gracias..thank you so much..from MEXICO!! good advice, to the point..and always...to be a better human..after the pandemic more and more marriages...suffered through lots of stuggles..a lot is about not having the right tools and perspective..not all its about money...keep giving us with your wife..all this good content
Really accurate and helpful insights! Pure Gold!! Even if it was learned too late, these things can make your future relationships, or work relationships much more effective and satisfying
That’s absolutely TRUE if one of the people married only for a sexual outlet. Or as I have said some men marry for “back up” sex in case they can’t find it somewhere else!
I Always look at it as having half cup of juice and I will focus on the juice not on the other empty part! Which means if there is any problem I bring all the positive time we spent together to be able to forgive!
To be honest, most of these things are true about me. Despite the love I have for my wife, and she means the world to me, I still hurt her in one way or another. I never meant to cause her even the smallest of harms, but inadvertently I hurt her from time to time without even realizing. I need a lot of character development. By being negative and pessimist, I constantly talked about the problems we face and sounded like they are impossible to solve and how the world is a dark place. She has tolerated a lot. Far more than I deserve. I want to change. I hope it's not too late. I need to grow up. Her happiness is far more important than anything else in my life.
I would suggest that perhaps some of these are not applicable in the case of a marriage to a narcissist or a psychopath. Perhaps someone can have a good marriage with a narcissist, but my advice (from experience) is to cut your losses, and get out of the marriage, because there's "no one home".
I’m struggling with this but I get the reality of it. How do I talk to my husband about things that bother me, such as him telling our kids to lie without coming across as judgmental?
You should be able to tell him you have some ideas and would like to share them with him. If he is not able to discuss this with you seek some counseling so the two of you can learn how to talk to one another peacefully.
Thanks for your video. Ever since I discovered your channel. I have been watching many of your videos, they are all practical and useful. I also like to read your intelligent and insightful answers to the comments. Which I learned a lot. Out of your 10 things to avoid. The one "profanity" is the hardest one for me to understand. Could you please explain a little bit more on that. THANKS.
Ophelia Chan, thank you for commenting. Profane words are often said in a way that is hurtful to others, and this hurt stays inside and can cause psychological harm to children.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks Dr. Paul. I will be more aware of that and avoid using those words. I am tempted to say profane words especially when I feel disrespectful or hurt. THANKS.
I need advice. When I first met my spouse he was happy, easy going, level headed. Over the last year he has become so easily angered and takes it out on us. I wrote down the maturity chart so I could study it and after much studying have found my spouse to be at a level one maturity level. He’s 31! Idk how to help him or if I even can. I have asked myself what I control in the relationship...but what do I control? Having sex? Communication? Help!
sara perrault, there is a lot going on here and you might consider reaching out to a life coach. I am not sure we can address everything quickly. Schedule a call at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
Where is the ❤️ button for this one? This marriage has successfully broken all of them, multiple times. The lying and infidelity against me was icing on the cake!
Was married with a passive-aggressive behavior (my ex-husband) resumed in one phrase: he thinks no, but says yes. Nothing, no conversation, is normal here. No healthy relation is possible.
This was hilariously accurate about the sad truth about how awful we humans can be! But a lighthearted approach to looking in the mirror is a good idea....some of us have discovered we've got a lot of work to do to get back to being truly best friends again. Also, I laughed out loud about your son's car loan. I actually got my special ordered 2020 Outback for zero down and with zero percent financing BECAUSE I had the bank statements to prove I could pay for it outright if needed!! It was Christmas in July for me last year!! As for my nearly ended in divorce marriage, we're BOTH working on ourselves now and our marriage is feeling better every day!! And, yes, I KNOW I'M RIGHT ABOUT THAT!!!
Great observations! Unfortunately most of these are Cluster b characteristics. No wonder there is no hope for a meaningful relationship with them. Cud u make a video on cluster b- relationships too?
Dr Jenkins thank you for all the great advice! It would be great if you could shed some light into how to deal with a husband who’s lazy, who won’t get a job and doesn’t appreciate how much his wife does? I feel taken advantage of and feel manipulated by him. (He gets mad when I ask him to get a job). What am I doing wrong?
Anita, Anita, I will add this to the idea list and see if we can come up with something to help you. You are not doing anything wrong but since the current way you are going about it doesn't seem to be getting you the result you want, you will probably have to try something different. Keep watching and we will see what we can help with.
Well, while I'm guilty of some of these, it's my husband who broke the relationship in the first place by hitting me & giving me bruises (& he'd still do this now if I dare to call him out on his hypocrisy). Why didn't you talk about physical violence??? That's THE #1 way to kill a marriage. 😞
Praying for you. Please get to safety. I understood that it was included in number 2, along with mental and emotional abuse. Anything that profanes what is suppose to be sacred. I would have put that as number one. And for those of us who really are victims, we have to be careful how we approach the rest of the list. In my case, lists like this were used by my ex-husband, his family, therapists and pastors to guilt me into staying. It took 15 years but I finally got out. But now I'm dealing with the post-separation abuse thanks to family court and co-parenting.
i feel anybody who didnt see this list as a no brainer doesnt deserve a relationship/not rdy. personaly i was suprised by around half the list because i hadnt even conceived this to be an issue. like thinking of ways to retailiate xD thats just insane, imagine not seeing ur partner as ur closest teammate but as somebody to overcome/fight against. that just blows my mind
Here's one thing that can destroy a marriage-discussing the past. One might b about for example, how a woman I enjoyed meeting way back, I used to hug her a lot. I'm n a relationship. My girlfriend better not find out from any of my relatives before or after we wed! I don't want the past to interfere with my future! I've yet to propose to her, but it may take a lot longer b4 I pop the question.
Blaise Kiriku, we also have many videos on relationships. I have a "How to Fix a Marriage that's been Damaged" playlist - th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPD7ZFUy4BGprDhRq8tDD2yg.html. And also a "Positive Relationship Resources" playlist - th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html. Thank you for watching.
How can someone flip the negativity? Example: if a husband wants to move furniture when the wife isn't home, and the wife requests that he wait until they come home and the husband says I'm still going to do it even though they asked for the input, how can the wife express they felt disrespected without being negative (especially if this was the second time that has happened).......😜side note: this happened twice to me
nvaranavage, that is just showing disrespect to the other person and that is the issue, not the furniture moving. Counseling or coaching might be an option so the other person can understand your feelings.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you, if situations like this occur in the future I will be sure to discuss it with my spouse with these 10 things to avoid in front of me, so we don't fall into this trap.
I think my ex thinks in these ways. I learned something, oh ho! I'm going to be positive every time I see him no matter how he acts and keeps thinking it's going to go well (or good.) You can apply this kind of thinkingto everyone I bet!
I've never understood the toilet issue. I grew up in a family of 4 females and 4 males. You never know who's going to use the toilet next. Let the next person decide if they need it up or down (men need it both ways, you know? 😅)
You know my husband‘s narcissist. many of us women live with men like that, insecure little men they have to beat up on their spouses in order to make themselves feel better. Beats up on the kids and I just me verbally that hurts a lot worse to me than a physical punch. I’ve spent years praying that he would change and I gave up on that years ago. when I started watching about narcissism and learning about it something happened to me I quit caring. I don’t care if Loves me anymore I don’t care. he gets on my nerves sometimes but I just don’t care anymore and that’s worked out far better for me and he’s quit being such a narcissist because it doesn’t work anymore with me . sometimes he gets me narcissist or pros at that but most the time he doesn’t because I just don’t care. I hate to say all that that’s what happened in my marriage. as for ever feeling he’ll love me and act like he does I gave up on that years ago. he never will and I just don’t care anymore it’s just the way it is. Narcissist don’t change they made mellow with age but they don’t change so it was up to me to change my attitude and it worked for the most part
I do not know. is it all about my new spouse's burden maybe ? Maybe right. Is that why though ? Destroy or begin the marriage I think that I am taking it so seriously . Take it like heavy or take it like light. Maybe some kind of consciousness is within myself and it helps me doing this. Maybe I am too old for this or immature for this kind of commitment. But all single couples have sometimes somehow troubles and arguments on each other and that can not be helped. At least they can keep trying and things may get better and better as the result but still another one comes up later on That is my defenition of marriage. Good sex also helps. No one can deny it.
After marriage, she'll use sex only to manipulate you. If you cohabitate, commingle financially, or get her pregnant, the sociopathic behavior is constant
Yes leaving the toilet seat up, my wife never does that and it pisses me off, every time I want to use it the seat is down, sick of going on about it now. Up and ready to use is the default position why cant she realise that?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV if only you could have known how 2020 would turn out. Which you could have, if you bothered listening to the guy talk in 2017, about dear leader facing unexpected public health issue.
10 - Insensitivity to requests and preferences
9 - Being a fun sucker
8 - Laziness & Lack of appreciation
7 - Being mean
6 - Choose to hate (assume the worst about that person, practice pride and try to retaliate)
5 - Disrespect (treat people like possessions and use thing to manipulate people)
4 - Form and hold grievances (get hurt, overpersonalize the offence, blame someone else and create a victim story)
3 - Beig right
2 - Profanity (take something sacred and turn profane, detachment of morals)
1 - Negativity (thinking that this marriage is bad)
Hay, Axel de Barros, thanks for watching.
My ex-husband did all these things hence why he's no longer my husband.
@TK Seems like disrespect and insensitivity to requests, both listed here. Tell him how you feel! “I think it’s great that we can still have our own time as individuals but I feel really unimportant and forgotten when I’m alone for extended hours late at night. What do you think we can do?”
We've been married for 48 years. Secret - pick your battles.
So true.
My parents have been married 46 years and still get along great - and my mum said pretty much the same thing. She told me 3 things were important:1) When you marry, be friends with the same fundamental values. 2) 90% of what you fight over in marriage doesn't really matter in the bigger picture, so just let it go, or agree to disagree. Better to spend time laughing rather than fighting since you never get that time back. 3) Understand that you're still 2 different people so don't try to make the other person fit your pace.
eg. my dad likes to leave water in the kitchen sink the whole day for washing dishes. My mum likes having a fresh sink of water each time she does the dishes. Their workaround has been to let each other do the dishes how they want, and leave it at that:)
I'm not married, but gathering lots of info. This kind of information should be taught to single people before marriage, or even in schools - it's one of the most significant undertakings we take in life, and we mostly leave it to romance lol...that's crazy.
Also, lose your hearing.:)
@@stevewise1656 hahaha. I think no discussions allowed on any subject has ruined mine, just sayin, when you can’t have a conversation can’t have a marriage,
@@notremembering I was half joking and completely understand your point. One of my friend's is now divorced and he said his wife and he avoided confrontation. They didn't argue at all and it was part of the or the downfall of his marriage. I wish you all the best moving forward.:)
I honestly do not think our marriage could get any better! We are having so much fun! Loved this video! Married 43 years…and counting!!
Jacquelyn Pekar, I LOVE to hear this.
Thank you for illuminating these 10 things... I have already realised in listening to your findings, that my mistake has been to look at my spouse and recognise a couple of these attributes in him when I should have been looking at these attributes in myself! On review, I score ten plus to my spouse’s two - how embarrassing! Indeed you have blessed me with this revelation today - it’s time to seek that change in myself - Blessings
Annette Macintosh, thank you for sharing, honored to be on your team.
P
I've lived 35 years, and never heard a woman admit being the primary cause of marital problems. If you don't change, you can't expect any improvement, unless you're miserable and want him to be.
That’s usually how it goes… what we dislike in others are often reflections or refractions of ourselves. Anytime I think I have a problem with my spouse 95% of the time it’s really ME. And I have the power to resolve that with myself or with him in a constructive way. The other 5% is something silly that I usually just take in stride/laugh about bc it’s not worth frustration. Or it’s an opportunity to HELP my spouse. Sometimes he leaves things in weird places so I just put them back where they’re supposed to go ha. But you can choose to be annoyed or angry OR say yup that’s my quirky husband again!
Well this video definitely hit me in a way I didn't expect, but needed to hear. It made me realize how much I needed to work on my relationship with God and how much resentment and negativity I didn't realize I was harboring. Thank you for helping me see things in a new light.
On the other side, I honestly believe that our marriage is amazing and that my husband is the best of the best (obviously we all have our faults, but his strengths far outweigh his faults). Ten years and counting of doing the hard things to make our marriage work 🙂
Love this! Thanks for sharing.
I am married 34 years to 1 man. My motto is, if you want change .. start with yourself. Forgive even if he does not apologize
Bertha Shepherd, that motto will serve you well.
Brilliant. No1 really nails it. Love your stuff and thx so much for bringing humor to what can feel like a painful situation...brings us back to No1!
Glad you enjoyed it
"It's like we're shoulding all over ourselves" ... I literally burst out laughing! 😆😆🤣🤣
Thanks, Tecumseh A. I am glad it came out right.
hahahahhahahaaha came here to say the exact same thing🤣🤣🤣
I had a friend years ago who said, Debbie quit shouldn’t on yourself.. I kept saying well I should’ve done this or that and that was her reply to me!! I laughed and yet it’s so true!!
I did all of those in my first 4 or 5 years of marriage. I also had post partum which was difficult to control. We are still married and its good. So we overcame that.
I am glad you were able to work through it and get to a better point. It is worth the time.
WOW! I needed to hear this. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us. God bless you.
You are so welcome
What a wonderful presentation. Thank you
Our pleasure.
10. Not listening to requests and preferences.
9. Being a fun sucker, sucking the fun out of everything.
8. Laziness, not helping, lack of appreciation for what others do.
7. Being mean.
6. Choose hate. Assume the worst. Practice pride. Retaliate, hurt, punish, destroy.
5. Disrespect. Treat people like property.
4. Form and hold grievances.
3. Being right. When you think your spouse is the problem, that’s the problem.
2. Profanity. Meaning Anything that diminishes the relationship.
1. Negativity… thinking the relationship is bad.
Johanne Champagne, thank you.
Im glad im watching this. We are fine but I did n still doing almost all those 10... its hard i dont even realise i did it... thanks for making this video.
Honored to be on your team Qonita - keep watching! DrPaul
Be better don't be bitter. Just found this channel, so far i think it's one of the best out there and I really hope my wife joins me on rebuilding our marriage,
of 21 years, it is hard very hard but I think I'm worth it and she's worth it. I hope 🙏 you can help us as I see we're in some kinda rut ahd everyone around us wants us to give up and go our separate ways but deep down we don't want that, we have alot to be grateful for and we both know that so I'm gonna give it all I got at my age I don't know how much more time I got, but what I do know is what is left of my life, I want it to be serving my beautiful bride. Cuz Mekanie you are my world.
Sounds like you have what it takes to turn this around.
My Wife and I are going through some things. She isn't sure if she wants to stay with me anymore. As far as I can tell I'm being nice, loving, kind, and compassionate. I compliment her daily, tell her I love her multiple times a day, offer to make her something to eat or drink, help her with her sickly father, and try to give her space. She isn't opening up to me and gets upset quickly.
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you don't have all the information and she isn't opening up. Let her know that when she is ready to talk you will be ready to listen and do that - LISTEN.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you. I've been doing what your videos say. I wrote the list of 25 things and messaged them to her. 2 days later she left and said she didn't know if she would be back. I've given her space and haven't talked or texted her. This is day 5. I was speaking very well of our marriage before she left and complimented her daily along with trying to build her up. She just sent a message not 2 minutes ago with a Bible verse. 1 Corinthians 7 1-6. I'm confused lol. I know we have a great marriage.
I love your delivery- so engaging. Thank you for these videos
You are very welcome, Rod.
This list is spot on my friend. After watching, I feel encouraged that my marriage is actually in pretty good shape. I was a bit surprised not to find general honesty between spouses on the list. Absolute top priority in our relationship. No secrets!
Thanks for sharing!!
Is there a way to make a spouse to start working to improve a relationship? I can’t seem to make her watch your videos and know how important hard work/willingness to improve our relationship is. To stop assuming the worse about each other. Having expectations instead of just asking for help.
Clarence - best wishes in your efforts. Sometimes the best we can do is to show a great example and continue to be positive and encouraging. DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV thanks Dr Paul! Will try my best!
Make as in force her? Nope. There isn’t. That’s the bad news. The GOOD news is that you do not need HER to start working on your marriage! You can make yourself start working on it. I know that sounds odd and sometimes (especially in the worst times of our relationships) down right UNFAIR. But it’s not and here is why, the more you concentrate on improving yourself and the things you can control 100% (your actions and reactions) the happier you will be and the better spouse you will be. This does two things, one as you make yourself happy you will be more pleasant to live with (you have to live with yourself too) and two you are modeling the behavior you would like to see in her! This puts the ball in her court, is she going to notice the impact what you are doing has on how things feel at home and want to reciprocate it OR is she going to blow it off? Either way it goes you get to take your new skills with you. I have also found that when my spouse is being hard to live with, doing an act of service for him always helps. We love those whom we serve, it is hard to be angry with someone when you are in the act of being kind. It is also far harder to be angry with someone when they are being kind to you. Good luck and I hope things are going well.
@@zhizian l.l. pm
I'm grateful for Dr Paul and Vicki's content. It is inspirational and incredibly spot-on so often. Thank you for finding this platform and embracing the value of just putting it all out there. I'm sure you have peers that tell you that you're giving it all away. I've purchased your products to say thank you. I also am extremely happy to see how well you keep the messaging 'clean' for a secular audience that REALLY prefers not to hear about your faith. It would surely turn me off in a heartbeat. Even if I can't stand christianity, Christ was a cool cat. I'm always very pleased to see christian's embracing that cool in a way that we can come together. Thank you!!
sourceclosetothematter. I am all about coming together. Thanks, glad you are here.
This is so ironic , I scrolled on this even though I am not in a marriage or relationship. I’m just looking for self esteem and motivation- Anyway I like the channel and I decided to watch. I started taking notes and realized that the summary of the issues was perfect for me. Thank for some strategies that I can use for self-growth this month.
Melanie Templeton, we are honored to have a truth seeker like you at the channel.
This is great. Thank you.
I think you left out a part of #4, holding grievances. After creating your victim story, you have to bottle it up until it's time to retell the story. Bottling it up is the important part so you can build your grievance better. You can't go straight to presenting the story to the person you're holding the grievance against, because that might lead to understanding and resolution.
Pinky, thank you for taking the time to comment.
Laughed till I cried. 🤣 Love the light manner this was delivered.
Thank you, glad you are here.
Love your videos! Thank you thank you.
Amber Shaw, you are welcome.
Agree 100%. As of right now, this is in my top 3 favorite videos of yours.
Markus Bourne, thanks! I appreciate you telling me that.
You’re changing lives. Thank you!
My pleasure.
Gracias..thank you so much..from MEXICO!! good advice, to the point..and always...to be a better human..after the pandemic more and more marriages...suffered through lots of stuggles..a lot is about not having the right tools and perspective..not all its about money...keep giving us with your wife..all this good content
You are so welcome, thank you for your kind words.
All pretty much common sense,long story short treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.
importsport, yes, you would be amazed how many people need that stated. The golden rule is golden for a reason.
The problem with that is what if the way one of the spouses wants to have everything done for them because maybe that's all they know.
Oh I did all of that 10!! Better have to change it soon :) thank you Dr Paul
Hi Star, never too late. Thanks.
That hit hard. I do many of these things. No wonder we are heading towards divorce. Thank you Dr Paul 😢
I hope you can turn things around.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
Alexhoney, my pleasure.
Really accurate and helpful insights! Pure Gold!! Even if it was learned too late, these things can make your future relationships, or work relationships much more effective and satisfying
Marc Rud, yes, when we know better, we do better.
My husband says a bad marriage comes from no sex in the marriage. Gee, I wonder how that all started?
I wonder... this would be a fun conversation to have. So many men get this wrong.
That’s absolutely TRUE if one of the people married only for a sexual outlet. Or as I have said some men marry for “back up” sex in case they can’t find it somewhere else!
I am sure some women do this as well!!
Not true
Thanks for doing this. Hope God gives you health and happiness. Long-lived and always prosperous.
You are welcome, nsafiah yusoff. Thanks for the well-wishes.
I Always look at it as having half cup of juice and I will focus on the juice not on the other empty part!
Which means if there is any problem I bring all the positive time we spent together to be able to forgive!
Said Sujaa, thanks for your comment. I am glad you are here at the channel.
To be honest, most of these things are true about me. Despite the love I have for my wife, and she means the world to me, I still hurt her in one way or another. I never meant to cause her even the smallest of harms, but inadvertently I hurt her from time to time without even realizing. I need a lot of character development. By being negative and pessimist, I constantly talked about the problems we face and sounded like they are impossible to solve and how the world is a dark place. She has tolerated a lot. Far more than I deserve. I want to change. I hope it's not too late. I need to grow up. Her happiness is far more important than anything else in my life.
I would suggest that perhaps some of these are not applicable in the case of a marriage to a narcissist or a psychopath. Perhaps someone can have a good marriage with a narcissist, but my advice (from experience) is to cut your losses, and get out of the marriage, because there's "no one home".
Rosetta Stone, It is very difficult. Tough to build connections.
You were really getting into those! I could practically see Darth Sidious sitting in the front row, nodding his head, taking detailed notes.
Bruno Ferreira, I am passionate about this work.
There are a couple of these things that i realize now, I am doing. Thank you for the eye opener!
rainy day, thanks for tuning in.
Masterful insight👍
Glad you liked it
Another excellent video.
Steve Wise, thank you!
Not cherishing each other.
Kind words
Thank you for watching.
Wow! What a great 12 minutes! Thank you for sharing
Thanks Anastasia - honored by your comment. There's more in the Positive Relationships playlist here on the channel. DrPaul
I’m struggling with this but I get the reality of it. How do I talk to my husband about things that bother me, such as him telling our kids to lie without coming across as judgmental?
You should be able to tell him you have some ideas and would like to share them with him. If he is not able to discuss this with you seek some counseling so the two of you can learn how to talk to one another peacefully.
Doc... Ur way of narration.. This particular video is jus awesome...
Thank you, Mini Shybin. It's an honor to be on your team.
My husband actually leaving the toilet seat open I’m not mad about it I’m only worried about our cat that she will fall into the toilet 🤣🤣🤣😹😹😹
Ageless The only II, thanks, that is too funny.
Thanks for your video. Ever since I discovered your channel. I have been watching many of your videos, they are all practical and useful. I also like to read your intelligent and insightful answers to the comments. Which I learned a lot. Out of your 10 things to avoid. The one "profanity" is the hardest one for me to understand. Could you please explain a little bit more on that. THANKS.
Ophelia Chan, thank you for commenting. Profane words are often said in a way that is hurtful to others, and this hurt stays inside and can cause psychological harm to children.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks Dr. Paul. I will be more aware of that and avoid using those words. I am tempted to say profane words especially when I feel disrespectful or hurt. THANKS.
That's great wisdom 👏
Thanks.
I need advice. When I first met my spouse he was happy, easy going, level headed. Over the last year he has become so easily angered and takes it out on us. I wrote down the maturity chart so I could study it and after much studying have found my spouse to be at a level one maturity level. He’s 31! Idk how to help him or if I even can. I have asked myself what I control in the relationship...but what do I control? Having sex? Communication? Help!
sara perrault, there is a lot going on here and you might consider reaching out to a life coach. I am not sure we can address everything quickly. Schedule a call at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
Where is the ❤️ button for this one? This marriage has successfully broken all of them, multiple times. The lying and infidelity against me was icing on the cake!
g- wynn, sorry that you had to go through this. My heart aches for you and I hope you are working toward a better day.
If both partners do these things, but only one partner watches this and works on them, can it still fix the marriage?
Ultimately it requires both partners working. We want to show the other partner that there is hope and it is worth the effort.
So helpful ☺️ thank you!
You are welcome, Betsy Howard. Glad to have you at the channel.
Thanks for sharing a helpful video...
You are welcome, Carol Erb, Ph.D. It's an honor to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
Deep wisdom and insights
Thank you, BethyKable.
I'm over relationships. Over it. I stand alone. I can't pick a good man. My issue I know.
Charlotte Hanna, counseling could help with that.
Number 1 reason is 100% correct, you can talk yourself into or out of anything, including happiness
Terry Linton, so true!
You are so real! Thank you.
You are so welcome!
Was married with a passive-aggressive behavior (my ex-husband) resumed in one phrase: he thinks no, but says yes. Nothing, no conversation, is normal here. No healthy relation is possible.
Sometimes we need to get out and find something we can live with.
This was hilariously accurate about the sad truth about how awful we humans can be! But a lighthearted approach to looking in the mirror is a good idea....some of us have discovered we've got a lot of work to do to get back to being truly best friends again.
Also, I laughed out loud about your son's car loan. I actually got my special ordered 2020 Outback for zero down and with zero percent financing BECAUSE I had the bank statements to prove I could pay for it outright if needed!! It was Christmas in July for me last year!!
As for my nearly ended in divorce marriage, we're BOTH working on ourselves now and our marriage is feeling better every day!! And, yes, I KNOW I'M RIGHT ABOUT THAT!!!
S E, that is awesome. You show that putting in the effort will pay off. You got this.
Great observations!
Unfortunately most of these are Cluster b characteristics.
No wonder there is no hope for a meaningful relationship with them.
Cud u make a video on cluster b- relationships too?
Already have a few in the pipeline! Thanks for watching. DrPaul
You're outstanding, sir!
I think you're pretty great too, Lenee Anderson!
Dr Jenkins thank you for all the great advice!
It would be great if you could shed some light into how to deal with a husband who’s lazy, who won’t get a job and doesn’t appreciate how much his wife does?
I feel taken advantage of and feel manipulated by him. (He gets mad when I ask him to get a job). What am I doing wrong?
Anita, Anita, I will add this to the idea list and see if we can come up with something to help you. You are not doing anything wrong but since the current way you are going about it doesn't seem to be getting you the result you want, you will probably have to try something different. Keep watching and we will see what we can help with.
Live On Purpose TV Thank you!!!
These apply to any relationship.
Calli Cordova, yes, find the principle and then you can apply it to different circumstances.
Brilliant 😀
Thank you, honored to be on your team.
Interesting stuff
Thanks, Tamara.
THIS was PERFECT TODAY YOOHOOO
N Avedian, Glad we can connect.
Thank you. I love your videos.
Glad you like them! Luis Gutierrez, honored to be on your team.
I’m crying as I watch this I am so damn tired god all I do is try and feel pain
youbg Youbg, it can be draining. I am so sorry, be good to yourself and seek some professional help.
Did you tried ?
Sorry, they don't seem to work.
My dad did all of these since decades, mum still sticks to him...
mcgeufer, I wish you luck in your future relationships. Let you parents work out theirs.
Well, while I'm guilty of some of these, it's my husband who broke the relationship in the first place by hitting me & giving me bruises (& he'd still do this now if I dare to call him out on his hypocrisy). Why didn't you talk about physical violence??? That's THE #1 way to kill a marriage. 😞
There is no excuse for physical violence and people need to do whatever they can to get out of abuse.
Praying for you. Please get to safety. I understood that it was included in number 2, along with mental and emotional abuse. Anything that profanes what is suppose to be sacred. I would have put that as number one. And for those of us who really are victims, we have to be careful how we approach the rest of the list. In my case, lists like this were used by my ex-husband, his family, therapists and pastors to guilt me into staying. It took 15 years but I finally got out. But now I'm dealing with the post-separation abuse thanks to family court and co-parenting.
I think this video just slapped me.
Kaye Nikkolle Uson, I hope not, that would be a first.
My marriage was 10 for 10 on this list. Soooo glad I finally got divorced!
Great
Siwy Wabbit, glad you are able to move on.
This is really really good stuff!!!
Thanks, KristiLisa Kleiner. Glad to have you at Live On Purpose.
Nailed it
I've been paying attention all these years ;)
i feel anybody who didnt see this list as a no brainer doesnt deserve a relationship/not rdy. personaly i was suprised by around half the list because i hadnt even conceived this to be an issue. like thinking of ways to retailiate xD thats just insane, imagine not seeing ur partner as ur closest teammate but as somebody to overcome/fight against. that just blows my mind
Yet, it is all too common.
Here's one thing that can destroy a marriage-discussing the past. One might b about for example, how a woman I enjoyed meeting way back, I used to hug her a lot. I'm n a relationship. My girlfriend better not find out from any of my relatives before or after we wed! I don't want the past to interfere with my future! I've yet to propose to her, but it may take a lot longer b4 I pop the question.
TheRenard10, Thank you for commenting and watching the channel.
I found a useful compilation of videos that may help on Secret fixer blueprint
Blaise Kiriku, we also have many videos on relationships. I have a "How to Fix a Marriage that's been Damaged" playlist - th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPD7ZFUy4BGprDhRq8tDD2yg.html. And also a "Positive Relationship Resources" playlist - th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html. Thank you for watching.
Thanks alot sir..
you are welcome
How can someone flip the negativity? Example: if a husband wants to move furniture when the wife isn't home, and the wife requests that he wait until they come home and the husband says I'm still going to do it even though they asked for the input, how can the wife express they felt disrespected without being negative (especially if this was the second time that has happened).......😜side note: this happened twice to me
nvaranavage, that is just showing disrespect to the other person and that is the issue, not the furniture moving. Counseling or coaching might be an option so the other person can understand your feelings.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you, if situations like this occur in the future I will be sure to discuss it with my spouse with these 10 things to avoid in front of me, so we don't fall into this trap.
I think my ex thinks in these ways. I learned something, oh ho! I'm going to be positive every time I see him no matter how he acts and keeps thinking it's going to go well (or good.) You can apply this kind of thinkingto everyone I bet!
Yes, Darkocean S. Identify the principle and then it can be applied in many different way.
I understand these.
Krystal Russell, thanks for watching.
To make friend you should be a friend first.
Zohra, very wise.
I've never understood the toilet issue. I grew up in a family of 4 females and 4 males. You never know who's going to use the toilet next. Let the next person decide if they need it up or down (men need it both ways, you know? 😅)
I don't think this debate is going to end anytime soon.
Cant rely (anymore) to any of these. Guess were not so bad :)
Thank you for watching, Maman Simplifiee.
Thanks for the insight!🐶⛏️🇺🇸
You are welcome.
Awesome
Ezra Schulman, thank you.
YOU TALK HOW WE SHOULD BE BUT HOW DO YOU DEAL HOW THEY ARE BEING TO YOU ?
inserter400, focus on improving yourself first and then your wife will have to do the work she needs to if you are to get back together.
You are awesome
Well, thank you for watching the video and commenting. Appreciate your time.
WOW! If these 10 ain't the truth.
Blingionaire By Cocoa Sherelle, thank you for watching.
You know my husband‘s narcissist. many of us women live with men like that, insecure little men they have to beat up on their spouses in order to make themselves feel better. Beats up on the kids and I just me verbally that hurts a lot worse to me than a physical punch. I’ve spent years praying that he would change and I gave up on that years ago. when I started watching about narcissism and learning about it something happened to me I quit caring. I don’t care if Loves me anymore I don’t care. he gets on my nerves sometimes but I just don’t care anymore and that’s worked out far better for me and he’s quit being such a narcissist because it doesn’t work anymore with me . sometimes he gets me narcissist or pros at that but most the time he doesn’t because I just don’t care. I hate to say all that that’s what happened in my marriage. as for ever feeling he’ll love me and act like he does I gave up on that years ago. he never will and I just don’t care anymore it’s just the way it is. Narcissist don’t change they made mellow with age but they don’t change so it was up to me to change my attitude and it worked for the most part
Cathy Gray, I am glad you realize that the only person you can change is you. I hope you have the happiness you set out to create.
Thats literally me at my workplace.....
Gyk G, thanks for watching.
that was great you are so talented
Glad to hear you are enjoying the videos, Ghostrider B. Honored to be on your team.
Somebody should teach that kids at schools
Alexandr Antonov, I couldn't agree more.
Teachers are horrible with teaching students.
I love the Monsters Inc. Collection you got. 🧐
JSimone Smith, thanks!
I do not know. is it all about my new spouse's burden maybe ? Maybe right. Is that why though ? Destroy or begin the marriage I think that I am taking it so
seriously . Take it like heavy or take it like light. Maybe some kind of consciousness is within myself and it helps me doing this. Maybe I am too old for this or immature for this kind of commitment. But all single couples have sometimes somehow troubles and arguments on each other and that can not be helped. At least they can keep trying and things may get better and better as the result but still another one comes up later on That is my defenition of marriage. Good sex also helps. No one can deny it.
Yuji wakatsuki, thank you for commenting.
After marriage, she'll use sex only to manipulate you. If you cohabitate, commingle financially, or get her pregnant, the sociopathic behavior is constant
You forgot Intimacy and sexual withholding.
Agreed.
Thank you very much sir But your English Word is very hard Will you use easy English thank you again
I will try to remember that, Elleni Feisa. Thank you.
Yes leaving the toilet seat up, my wife never does that and it pisses me off, every time I want to use it the seat is down, sick of going on about it now. Up and ready to use is the default position why cant she realise that?
My best to you two.
OOF. This one hurt.
Seriously
Sp4zc0r3, we can change things.
My husband is all 10 above mentioned
Sri Sri, I hope 2020 is a better year for you both.
I'll bet 100% he was this terrible before you married him.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV if only you could have known how 2020 would turn out. Which you could have, if you bothered listening to the guy talk in 2017, about dear leader facing unexpected public health issue.
people that do these 10 things are the people who never grow up from being a child.
TheCADDGUY, you do have a point about emotional intelligence.