If she's not willing to work out issues in the relationship then that is definitely a red flag. What do you think will happen when you're married? When ever an argument comes up with my girlfriend I ask her if she wants my advice or does she just want me to listen? Sometimes women just need to vent.
My husband and I have been the same way from the beginning. I came from a family of no communication or affection. I thought holding your issues in until you explode was normal. My husband came from a family of communication and so much love. Even after marriage counseling, 17 years, and 2 kids later, I still struggle with this. Its very easy for me to fall back into old ways. This is an issue that I'm always working on. Communication is hard!
It's cuz you don't wanna change. If after 17 years you haven't accepted love and communication it's because a part of you enjoys the blow up. It's just the truth. Part of you enjoys bottling it up and being able to "explode" or take it out on someone. I had to come to terms with that myself. And also you're used to being blown up on and afraid to communicate your feelings because you'd be ignored, blown up on, or made to feel stupid for discussing healthily your thoughts and feelings... So you stuff it down because you're afraid to speak up... that's a people pleaser mentality and also we don't like to admit we are afraid either. You have kids now though and you don't want them to end up with the same emotional issues as you and you be the cause of it. Pray for God to help change you. We usually can't do it ourselves. Because we don't know how, or don't particularly want to. God will help you. I'm still working on it too. But... It's abusive, that behavior, homegirl... Admit that to yourself and it helps the change. We don't wanna admit to ourselves we could be abusive but the only way to change is to take the first step. God bless sister. ❤
Yes, families have different communication styles that they learn from a young age as well as differences in personalities. It's hard to develop new patterns.
Appreciate your honesty. I just left my gf last week because I just haven't seen much progress or effort to better manage her anger issues and blow ups. It's hard cuz there is so much good there but I just can't handle it, too much stress
I think you are right, however, we do not know enough about the situation to make a full assessment. Also, we do not know the severity of their disagreements, and exactly how much time passes, in between.
Exactly. and it's usually not your family just a good friend you can trust with no agenda. We've all been 20 making all kinds of mistakes ( brain isn't fully formed until around 25). It won't be the end of the world for either of them to just move on and learn the lessons from the relationship. Definitely sounds like that's what he wants to do
Im a woman, and emotions do change with a woman's cycle. I dont think women should be offended by facts. Of course, it's a huge variation between women, and even through the course of a woman's life it's different at different times. Of course it shouldnt be the go to "blame" for everything.. but if a man seems to notice a pattern, I dont think it's wrong to point out. Self awareness may help a woman determine her feelings are due to hormones. Of course it's not ALWAYS like that. Just another complication of men/women relationships.
I’m a woman and I agree. Also, my emotions were 10x heightened while I was on birth control. And a lotttt of women are on birth control that is affecting their hormones.
Yes I think they should get to know the cycle because I get irritated and definitely don't feel great and I can see where it could go bad if there are disagreements.
As long as the argument is not being reduced down to and dismissed because of it then yes, it is a factor that should be acknowledged. But there's a lot of immature people who will use it as an easy out on either side and so it's probably good to set the baseline standard as leave it out of the equation.
I think this is a red flag on her end. This is generational behavior and clearly this guy is indicating she is unwilling to break the generational curse. I think this guy should run.
Is the girlfriend just walking away and not addressing the problem and holding on to her anger after or is she walking away and returning with the problem being solved? I sometimes walk away from conflict so that I can process my emotions and determine whether or not I should make a problem out of things. Me walking away gives me the space I need to think clearly and react appropriately. 90% of the time, I will determine that being upset is not worth it and that the other person wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me, so I let it go. When I return, the situation is done. Some people are just like that and it’s how to deal with their emotions and you need to give them the space. If she’s walking away though and is unwilling to communicate and the situation will just persist forever, then it’s a red flag. How can you be in a relationship with someone who is unwilling to resolve conflict with you?
She’s very comfortable with you if she has the guts to pull this on you. She’s showing you what you’re in for..and you’re only 20. Why put yourself through it? You can be a white knight but she knows you aren’t going anywhere. She probably needs therapy and you more boundaries.
As an internal thinker there’s a lot of times where I can’t collect my thoughts fast enough in the moment to have a conversation I need time to think and sometimes I realize I was in the wrong so I don’t always come back and talk about it!
You need to come back and talk about it ESPECIALLY when you realise you were in the wrong. Do that, and your husband will be a very happy man. Most women can't.
I was just thinking I’d probably pass out if a guy said to me he wanted to talk about ways we could communicate better, and the next thing out of Dr Delony’s mouth was she’ll probably faint. Uncanny, and 🎯
This advice is invaluable. We've done this the hard way... I've learnt that my husband is almost always right 😄 and he's learnt to relax and let things go sometimes. I think Jesse sounds similar to my husband (has an awesome beard and can fix ANYTHING) and his girlfriend sounds similar to me. Definitely build something new together 💕 I wish I had this advice 7 years ago at the beginning of our relationship. One final thing that this video made me realise... I think part of my husbands need for the truth to always win over feelings comes from trauma. It's his way of feeling safe. Thanks for that perspective, John!
Everybody has a different way of communicating, you should learn about the love language and figure out how she communicates through that. My fiancé likes to keep things to himself and talk about the issue on another day. I’m the opposite, I like to talk it out. But I’ve learned that I have to respect his wishes and allow him to come around when he’s ready. He ends up talking and we make up the next day. Forcing someone to talk or try to resolve an issue when they’re not ready or open to a conversation is sort of unproductive. It only leaves you both angry and some issues unresolved. Learn how she communicates and you’ll be better off.
@@lifeaccordingtotheo9643 we always cater to each other’s needs and we always compromise for each other when necessary. It’s not stonewalling, it’s called being mature. There are times where I don’t want to talk because I don’t want to end up saying things out of anger and regret it later. It’s better to have a conversation when you’re both calm and can actually have a rational conversation. Also having respect for their wishes and boundaries. Let them have their moment, soon they will realize that they’ll have to talk about it. Fortunately for me, The outcome always come out in my favor all the time.
Definitely bring to attention things that bother you to her. If she grew up that way of not expressing herself or thinking fighting is fine then she thinks it's normal.
what if the other person NEVER communicates and every issue is , we'll talk about it later and they never do? important issues like if something is bothering you in the relationship
My experience has been the opposite. I know quite a few men that need to take off for a bit and cool down when things get heated and the woman is the one wanting to hash it out. My brother is like this and it has definitely led to problems in some of his relationships. He just “needs to go for a drive” and leaves them fuming lol I’m 100% a “hash it out now” type of woman. My fiancé doesn’t run but for sure has a harder time expressing his feelings than I do.
I don’t get hot very often but if I do I need a minute to cool off and my wife is the opposite and wants to come at me and hash it out. But through our time together we have communicated those things to where she understands that I need that so I don’t go off the handle so it isn’t an issue. But would be hard if you’re 20 and fresh
I think if it’s this much trouble now, after only dating 7 months. It will be even more of a problem if they get married or just being together longer. It sounds like they argue all the time. It’s a red flag for sure!!
I feel like when I communicate with my husband or others for that matter I just want support in the way that someone is going to listen. I don't always need answers or people to fix things.
Women’s hormones do change over the 28 day cycle and that can affect our emotions. However, that doesn’t mean that the things a woman is reacting to at a certain point in her cycle are not real problems to be dealt with. In my experience, I become more aware of things that have been bothering me around that time and I feel stronger feelings about them, which can make it easier for me to address the issue. We women tend to be significantly more agreeable than men. I think having that heightened emotion is gods way of protecting us from becoming doormats and resenting all the people around us.
My husband taught me how to communicate with love, grace, & to have a strong marriage. This was really hard during our first 4 years together. I struggled with it, I am so much better, but not perfect. It just made me fall in love with him more. He gives me grace all the time, & I do my best to return it. I am so lucky.
Red flags should not be ignored. Sometimes, a family IS toxic in their dynamic. All “communication styles” are not healthy…and yes, there COULD be a right and wrong way to communicate and interact.
This guy deserves a callback; I love all the episodes so far that I’ve seen besides this one. I think John D assumed too much and didn’t ask enough questions; specific examples of arguments, how long she takes space etc. it was too much of a monologue from the doc. Silence can be so gaslighting and as cliche as this sounds this poor caller sounded gaslit; a lot use pulling away as manipulation :/ please call him back & ask more q’s & an update! Poor guy
Growing up my dad blamed all my negative emotions on my period. As an adult I have taken great lengths to address serious anxiety and anger issues. I wonder sometimes how life would have been if I’d had more support early in life.
In my 28 years of life, I have not been able to have a productive conversation while I'm upset. I have to walk away regardless if its that time of the month or not.
A simple compromise would be to agree on the break concept for sure, but also to agree to an assigned time limit for that break (15-45 minutes, tops; not hours or days) and during that break each person should be considering 2-3 solutions to bring back to the table. If each person brings 2-3 solutions to the issue at hand, 2 purposes will be served: First, with a small amount from each person, they are likely to find that one of their solutions matches/agrees with one of the other person’s solutions and common ground is found. Problem solved. Second, the remaining 4 solutions possibly become options for other conflicts, but also, the collective list becomes an opporunity for both to learn more about the other person and how they think. Hence, the break provides not only a temporary “breather” away from friction, but a time for reflection, regrouping and harmonizing AND it comes with the added bonus of a window for opportunity for future disagreements and a learning curve about the partner. It’s a win-win all the way around.
John is right though. I still feel like they can work on it though. Maybe her past has a lot to do with it and if they work TOGETHER on the communication, I feel like he doesn't have to just GIVE UP. (Just depends on how she responds.).
@@girlygirl1890 how do you work on communication with someone that refuses to communicate. Obviously, he needs to work on communication when there isn't a fight. But based on what upsets her communicating that they need to communicate will cause a fight will stop the communication. We all know people like this that are a lost cause and need many bad relationships and lots of therapy to get to a decent place.
Because, stupid, it’s taking accountability away from another person’s faults and putting it on the woman and her “mood swings” when men can be really stupid sometimes. Case in point.
But hormonally-induced mood swings are real and can make you behave differently so there's a real possibility that it can contribute to certain behaviors. Btw I don't appreciate you calling me stupid for asking a question so I'm gonna wait a week for you to cool down before continuing this discussion.
Because it shouldn't be a starting point to try and figure out the root of an argument. Because once you reduce the issue down to her period, then that's the end of that and there's no further resolution, which is wrong. Hormone imbalances are a response, not the original issue (mostly). There's legit issues to address and communication to improve before this guy is close enough and mature enough to even start to be a support during the hormonal times.
If my gurl is being unusually provocative or emotional, it's reasonable to ask if she's having that issue, because it's helpful to know if I should adjust my behavior accordingly, which sometimes entails not allowing her to spiral out of control for reasons that don't warrant doing so.
When there is doubt there is no doubt. Find someone more compatible. I don't find my marriage very challenging. I believe God put us together so I honor our marriage to reflect that.
I think it’s rare for a woman’s cycles not to influence their thoughts and actions. Hormones are terrible. Not to the extreme of making us different people but for me it just makes me have more negative thought patterns (moody) and doesn’t take nearly as much to irritate me. Also, it often hurts. Some of us get some pretty bad cramps and it’s hard to be all happy go lucky when you’re in pain. And it’s EVERY single month. Men really do have it so easy.
Yes mood can definitely change but you notice this conversation was about how his girlfriend did not trust him because he acted like he was right in the way she did things was wrong .
@@supernova11711 Everything you said was correct, right up until that last sentence, "Men really do have it so easy." All that is, is you telling on yourself that you have no empathy for the struggles of men. They're very different to yours, but they're real all the same.
@@theclockworkcadaver7025 Everyone has LIFE struggles obviously. Yes, I can empathize and I’m not saying that life is a cake walk for anyone. All I’m saying is that we are born with certain ones already in place. So we have difficult lives as well this on top of everything else. You just have the difficult life. You act as though this is the only thing we have to deal with and men are the only one struggling with life situations. We ALL have those. We just have this too…which is more invasive than you can even imagine.
Well, the fact that this caller is calling in for answers is AMAZING! She is probably not serious about the relationship. I think the girlfriend may not be trustworthy!
He was simply finding a way to connect with him. Clearly. And if you've ever been a 20 year old young man with a full beard, you know how proud he can be about it. It's John's way of correcting the guy without putting him down.
It felt uncomfortable to hear because of too much stereotyping as opposed to a real assessment of the guy’s personality. Definitely the guy needed to hear some of the feedback but it also felt like Dr John dismissed his valid concerns. The guy didn’t ask to fix anything but to talk about the issues bothering his gf.
I don’t know if I agree with this one. This is the dynamic, I find myself in, where I do believe in talking about stuff to each other, and didn’t try at the beginning. Like this young man. My partner now gets very defensive and also will or just talk about it. so now I don’t bring stuff up because it’s not worth it back to me. So I’m not sure if Ivy will his assessment that this guy‘s girlfriend doesn’t feel safe because this guy is saying clearly it’s not. I think people have no idea or take a partners statements of things that are upsetting or bothering them as a personal attack Adam just the way I try and work together as a team. Biggest thing that stood out to me on this one was the guy calling in said his girlfriend refuses to come back around after taking a break, which is in my opinion definitely a red flag, because it’s a way of not being held accountable and then making your partner overtime stop stating their needs or hurts which is never healthy.
Geesh. I almost always disagree with JD. This IS a huge deal breaker. I used to date a woman with communication issues and it never got better and extremely frustrating. Y'all thinking this advice is good is mind blowing.
If you're ever in a relationship and the other side says they "need a break", leave them forever. They don't want to be with you. Needing "space" is one thing, for example if you're cooped up in a 1BR apartment during a pandemic, or seeing each other 24/7, but if it gets to the point to where they "need a break", it's because they want to explore other dating options while keeping you sidelined as a backup plan. If your partner isn't 100% committed and into you, leave them and find someone who is. Sounds like this chick is sabotaging them into arguments because she maybe doesn't have the courage to fully break it off.
Often, I need to walk away from someone in order to analyze the situation and how to approach straightening it out! Other times, by getting some space, I realize that I just don't need to react, because it's not that big of a deal. But, by all means, space is needed so that I don't get ridiculous!
Love the show. I didn’t hear that take at all Deloney. Although you may have nailed the caller’s tendencies I think the problem was avoidance. His partner didn’t just want to express feelings. She wasn’t expressing anything at all. Then again, what do I know?
Well that’s another side of the coin that he doesn’t have to fix her problem is he doesn’t have to fix everything sometimes we don’t necessarily want to fix and we don’t want the advice
Oh that was helpful for me. I had a similar issues with truck driver bf. Clearly had trouble trusting him, felt not understood, frustrated, on top of that all disagreements are told/discussing with his friends. I didnt feel ready to open up.
Dr Jon missed the boat on this one. She has an avoidant attachment relationship style, and this young man needs to learn about it and decide if he wants to go down that road. It is HARD.
She probably has abandonment issues. For me, I have serious abandonment issues and whenever there's been a fight I need space to calm down to protect my partner from my words (I can be mean and I don't like it). In the end I'm often unable to go back because I'm so afraid they will reject me.
safety to speak out and expect no one to respond - just listen. As a man/human/person, I can only listen to someone complain about something without attempting to fix the problem. This is hard to somewhat comprehend. At what point is enough enough to just listen. For me, I want to be with someone who can move on from "stuff" after 1-2 wks of complaining. That seems like a healthy behavior. As he said "will this be an always behavior". He might not have the words, but he is on to something.....
Thank you. As a man 37 I've learned it's ok to vent but I want to solve your problems so we can move pass it and be happy. Why we talking and talking and talking about issues we have no control over. Vent, call it bullshit and move on. We can't fix it.
The thing is that at some point you have to talk about the issues because it’ll keep coming back up. Why drag it out? If you aren’t emotionally available, then don’t date!! Learn how to regulate your emotions before you start playing house.
So young. . . he'll be learning about himself for the NEXT 50 years or so, lol. He'll be OK, because he's very insightful, and he's asking the right questions. Adorable.
Omg her family sounds like mine... minus the yelling. We get mad, go in separate rooms, then come out after we cooled down and never talk about it again. Not good. I always talk about things with my fiance and we always come to a respectful understanding.
Give the guy a break. Until your married guys just don't understand periods. Yes he needs to be told not to attribute stuff to that automatically but he's 20. I feel like you really beat him over the head with that one
Men seem to think women lose are minds during our period...it's annoying and untrue. Men will use it as an excuse for our anger instead of realizing they are the reason for us being upset.
@@signalfire15 I had 3 sisters and knew nothing about a period other than they were more irritable sometimes. I know better now that I am married but a lot of guys don't know and are too afraid to ask. And I'd say most girls would be too embarrassed to explain. It's just a fact of life and I don't think it's right to make him feel like a complete dunce for it.
omg..i used to get unreasonable like 2 weeks before my period!~ For some women IT IS AN ISSUE! And, i told my husband and others it was a comin! My daughter does the same thing.
This relationship sounds like a slow and silent train wreck. He's going to be spending most of their relationship trying to understand her… And she's gonna spend most of their relationship feeling she is being made to feel picked on and small. She's going to ask for a divorce after two children or three and he's going to try to solve the problem and in the end, everyone loses. Find someone you get immediately and then see if they have the values and the character to forge a long lasting relationship. You have to first be able to communicate before you can learn how to communicate better. Go find a new girl who fits you like a glove.
Ok, I've watched this guy give "advice" in several video's and all I do is cringe. What's with the way he does a cold reading on these peple like he's psychic?? The "advice" he gave this guy Jesse was the absolute worst! His girlfriend not talking through arguments is immature and definitely a red flag! What's with the weak-ass feminist answer regarding the guy considering her "time of the month" somehow inappropriate of him?...as a woman, I can say he isn't wrong in considering it...Jeez! If she continues acting that way, he needs to really reconsider the relationship. Period.
Why do men like having beards so much? I’m 32, and I love the baby faces!! My bf can’t grow a beard either and I like it that way.. otherwise he’d probably try to grow one 😆 Eminem has always been the celebrity love of my life, and I wish he would go back to the baby face. But I always see men complimenting his beard… I don’t get it lol
Guys with more masculine features tend to end up with girls who aren't on birth control, as the pill changes women's aesthetic preference to favour more feminine features.
I feel bad for men who call this dude for advice. He is atrocious and hones in on one small detail without looking at big picture. He slips into anti man diatribes. Dude if she is this much work now imagine her being your wife and raising your sons. No
That’s not necessarily true. The girlfriends’ “problem solving” skills are also an issue here that her family helped foster. It seems like both of them need to work on some things, as we all do.
@@NeuroSeasoned His behavior needs an equal amount of coaching. They are young it's pretty obvious it's not going to work out..which is to be expected at 20. His main job is to not knock her up and move on and grow.
I married at 21 (yes, young), and my husband is 11 years older. Shocker! And, we've been happily married 10 years. What doesn't work for some works perfect for others.
My husband and I started dating at 17 have been together for 24 years now with 4 kids it depends on the people and weather or not they are mature enough to be together. Age to an extent is just a number because there are plenty of 40 year old running around that are about as mature as a 14 year old.
Men talk to solve problems. Women talk to express feelings. You have to ask her if you are just listening or does she need help solving a problem.
Thank you!
Yesssss, my husband asks me this before I start talking 🤣🤣
@@emilykirkham571 If you are just talking, why do you need him there? Go talk to a wall instead, save him the agro.
@@jackdeniston59 Emotional support and connection. Wanting to feel heard and understood by your partner is a natural desire.
@jackdeniston59 .. that's like saying "just break up with him and save him the hassle" lol
If she's not willing to work out issues in the relationship then that is definitely a red flag. What do you think will happen when you're married? When ever an argument comes up with my girlfriend I ask her if she wants my advice or does she just want me to listen? Sometimes women just need to vent.
It’s funny, but I’m a guy and I’m kind of that way too. Some people just need to vent at times.
@@MatthewChristianMurray Exactly. Asking those questions will really diffuse a situation. It's something I picked up working in sales.
My husband and I have been the same way from the beginning. I came from a family of no communication or affection. I thought holding your issues in until you explode was normal.
My husband came from a family of communication and so much love.
Even after marriage counseling, 17 years, and 2 kids later, I still struggle with this. Its very easy for me to fall back into old ways. This is an issue that I'm always working on. Communication is hard!
It's cuz you don't wanna change. If after 17 years you haven't accepted love and communication it's because a part of you enjoys the blow up. It's just the truth. Part of you enjoys bottling it up and being able to "explode" or take it out on someone. I had to come to terms with that myself. And also you're used to being blown up on and afraid to communicate your feelings because you'd be ignored, blown up on, or made to feel stupid for discussing healthily your thoughts and feelings... So you stuff it down because you're afraid to speak up... that's a people pleaser mentality and also we don't like to admit we are afraid either. You have kids now though and you don't want them to end up with the same emotional issues as you and you be the cause of it. Pray for God to help change you. We usually can't do it ourselves. Because we don't know how, or don't particularly want to. God will help you. I'm still working on it too. But... It's abusive, that behavior, homegirl... Admit that to yourself and it helps the change. We don't wanna admit to ourselves we could be abusive but the only way to change is to take the first step. God bless sister. ❤
Yes, families have different communication styles that they learn from a young age as well as differences in personalities. It's hard to develop new patterns.
Appreciate your honesty. I just left my gf last week because I just haven't seen much progress or effort to better manage her anger issues and blow ups. It's hard cuz there is so much good there but I just can't handle it, too much stress
It depends how long the person takes a break and if silent treatment is involved. Some people will take weeks and that’s unacceptable behavior.
I think you are right, however, we do not know enough about the situation to make a full assessment. Also, we do not know the severity of their disagreements, and exactly how much time passes, in between.
This is why we need older role models. Passing wisdom.
100%
Exactly. and it's usually not your family just a good friend you can trust with no agenda. We've all been 20 making all kinds of mistakes ( brain isn't fully formed until around 25). It won't be the end of the world for either of them to just move on and learn the lessons from the relationship. Definitely sounds like that's what he wants to do
The problem is they don't listen now days... social media or Google is their advisor
Perfectly said....He really feels like an average guy...no bragging or ego...good advice...let's replace Andrew Tate With Dr Delony
@@daniellabassano6718 Can't even put a sentence together properly, work on it before you go judging my dad ok.
Im a woman, and emotions do change with a woman's cycle. I dont think women should be offended by facts.
Of course, it's a huge variation between women, and even through the course of a woman's life it's different at different times.
Of course it shouldnt be the go to "blame" for everything.. but if a man seems to notice a pattern, I dont think it's wrong to point out. Self awareness may help a woman determine her feelings are due to hormones.
Of course it's not ALWAYS like that. Just another complication of men/women relationships.
I’m a woman and I agree. Also, my emotions were 10x heightened while I was on birth control. And a lotttt of women are on birth control that is affecting their hormones.
Yes I think they should get to know the cycle because I get irritated and definitely don't feel great and I can see where it could go bad if there are disagreements.
As long as the argument is not being reduced down to and dismissed because of it then yes, it is a factor that should be acknowledged. But there's a lot of immature people who will use it as an easy out on either side and so it's probably good to set the baseline standard as leave it out of the equation.
@@brettemiller8046 that's true
I think this is a red flag on her end. This is generational behavior and clearly this guy is indicating she is unwilling to break the generational curse. I think this guy should run.
Someone gets it
After 53 years of marriage, I've learned that sometimes one gives, sometimes the other. and sometimes if we wait awhile, it just goes away by itself.
Is the girlfriend just walking away and not addressing the problem and holding on to her anger after or is she walking away and returning with the problem being solved? I sometimes walk away from conflict so that I can process my emotions and determine whether or not I should make a problem out of things. Me walking away gives me the space I need to think clearly and react appropriately. 90% of the time, I will determine that being upset is not worth it and that the other person wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me, so I let it go. When I return, the situation is done. Some people are just like that and it’s how to deal with their emotions and you need to give them the space. If she’s walking away though and is unwilling to communicate and the situation will just persist forever, then it’s a red flag. How can you be in a relationship with someone who is unwilling to resolve conflict with you?
Exactly!
Leave her is the right advice
She’s very comfortable with you if she has the guts to pull this on you. She’s showing you what you’re in for..and you’re only 20. Why put yourself through it? You can be a white knight but she knows you aren’t going anywhere. She probably needs therapy and you more boundaries.
As an internal thinker there’s a lot of times where I can’t collect my thoughts fast enough in the moment to have a conversation I need time to think and sometimes I realize I was in the wrong so I don’t always come back and talk about it!
That’s fine if you communicate it so your partner knows your communication style and can adapt to it.
You need to come back and talk about it ESPECIALLY when you realise you were in the wrong. Do that, and your husband will be a very happy man. Most women can't.
When I was married, my husband never wanted to discuss things - I need space but never discuss. Extremely frustrating
I was just thinking I’d probably pass out if a guy said to me he wanted to talk about ways we could communicate better, and the next thing out of Dr Delony’s mouth was she’ll probably faint. Uncanny, and 🎯
This advice is invaluable. We've done this the hard way... I've learnt that my husband is almost always right 😄 and he's learnt to relax and let things go sometimes. I think Jesse sounds similar to my husband (has an awesome beard and can fix ANYTHING) and his girlfriend sounds similar to me. Definitely build something new together 💕 I wish I had this advice 7 years ago at the beginning of our relationship. One final thing that this video made me realise... I think part of my husbands need for the truth to always win over feelings comes from trauma. It's his way of feeling safe. Thanks for that perspective, John!
It does come from trauma. His need to be seen.
Everybody has a different way of communicating, you should learn about the love language and figure out how she communicates through that. My fiancé likes to keep things to himself and talk about the issue on another day. I’m the opposite, I like to talk it out. But I’ve learned that I have to respect his wishes and allow him to come around when he’s ready. He ends up talking and we make up the next day. Forcing someone to talk or try to resolve an issue when they’re not ready or open to a conversation is sort of unproductive. It only leaves you both angry and some issues unresolved. Learn how she communicates and you’ll be better off.
Same!
@@lifeaccordingtotheo9643 we always cater to each other’s needs and we always compromise for each other when necessary. It’s not stonewalling, it’s called being mature. There are times where I don’t want to talk because I don’t want to end up saying things out of anger and regret it later. It’s better to have a conversation when you’re both calm and can actually have a rational conversation. Also having respect for their wishes and boundaries. Let them have their moment, soon they will realize that they’ll have to talk about it. Fortunately for me, The outcome always come out in my favor all the time.
Definitely bring to attention things that bother you to her. If she grew up that way of not expressing herself or thinking fighting is fine then she thinks it's normal.
what if the other person NEVER communicates and every issue is , we'll talk about it later and they never do? important issues like if something is bothering you in the relationship
Yeah I feel like John skipped over that. My mom is like that and it's infuriating
My experience has been the opposite. I know quite a few men that need to take off for a bit and cool down when things get heated and the woman is the one wanting to hash it out. My brother is like this and it has definitely led to problems in some of his relationships. He just “needs to go for a drive” and leaves them fuming lol
I’m 100% a “hash it out now” type of woman. My fiancé doesn’t run but for sure has a harder time expressing his feelings than I do.
I don’t get hot very often but if I do I need a minute to cool off and my wife is the opposite and wants to come at me and hash it out. But through our time together we have communicated those things to where she understands that I need that so I don’t go off the handle so it isn’t an issue. But would be hard if you’re 20 and fresh
Love Delony and his wisdom!
I think if it’s this much trouble now, after only dating 7 months. It will be even more of a problem if they get married or just being together longer. It sounds like they argue all the time. It’s a red flag for sure!!
I totally agree and Dr John didn’t address that at all.
You're the best Dr. D!! I'm sending this to the hubby!
Dr. John is so smart. I love listening to his advice 💕
Wow. I am in a very similar if not the exact same situation as this caller. Thank you so much for this advice ❤️
I feel like when I communicate with my husband or others for that matter I just want support in the way that someone is going to listen. I don't always need answers or people to fix things.
Number 1. He clearly loves her cause he reached out for help, and 2 he's a really good sounding guy tbh I hope things work out for him
Women’s hormones do change over the 28 day cycle and that can affect our emotions. However, that doesn’t mean that the things a woman is reacting to at a certain point in her cycle are not real problems to be dealt with. In my experience, I become more aware of things that have been bothering me around that time and I feel stronger feelings about them, which can make it easier for me to address the issue. We women tend to be significantly more agreeable than men. I think having that heightened emotion is gods way of protecting us from becoming doormats and resenting all the people around us.
They've been together for seven months. What are they arguing about? Where to go to dinner?
My husband taught me how to communicate with love, grace, & to have a strong marriage. This was really hard during our first 4 years together. I struggled with it, I am so much better, but not perfect. It just made me fall in love with him more. He gives me grace all the time, & I do my best to return it. I am so lucky.
Wow, that girl - that was me when I was young. That was exactly what I was feeling back then! And what a good advice from Delony!
Red flags should not be ignored. Sometimes, a family IS toxic in their dynamic. All “communication styles” are not healthy…and yes, there COULD be a right and wrong way to communicate and interact.
This guy deserves a callback; I love all the episodes so far that I’ve seen besides this one. I think John D assumed too much and didn’t ask enough questions; specific examples of arguments, how long she takes space etc. it was too much of a monologue from the doc. Silence can be so gaslighting and as cliche as this sounds this poor caller sounded gaslit; a lot use pulling away as manipulation :/ please call him back & ask more q’s & an update! Poor guy
Growing up my dad blamed all my negative emotions on my period. As an adult I have taken great lengths to address serious anxiety and anger issues. I wonder sometimes how life would have been if I’d had more support early in life.
This is young love, lessons learned. She is gonna wanna change, and seeing he’s always right….she won’t take that advice from him
Wow! Just wow! Nobody could have said it better than you, Dr. Delony. You are an amazing role model.
Why force something to work when clearly it isn't working???
Guys take notes. Nice work Doc.
In my 28 years of life, I have not been able to have a productive conversation while I'm upset. I have to walk away regardless if its that time of the month or not.
omg you're so smart, John. every video of yours that I watch, I learn so much
I wish someone had explained this to me when I was 20! Took me many years and relationships to figure this out about communicating with women!
I don’t know. I wouldn’t marry someone that avoided talking about conflicts.
A simple compromise would be to agree on the break concept for sure, but also to agree to an assigned time limit for that break (15-45 minutes, tops; not hours or days) and during that break each person should be considering 2-3 solutions to bring back to the table. If each person brings 2-3 solutions to the issue at hand, 2 purposes will be served:
First, with a small amount from each person, they are likely to find that one of their solutions matches/agrees with one of the other person’s solutions and common ground is found. Problem solved.
Second, the remaining 4 solutions possibly become options for other conflicts, but also, the collective list becomes an opporunity for both to learn more about the other person and how they think. Hence, the break provides not only a temporary “breather” away from friction, but a time for reflection, regrouping and harmonizing AND it comes with the added bonus of a window for opportunity for future disagreements and a learning curve about the partner. It’s a win-win all the way around.
That's a her thing not a girl thing and not a normal way to miscommunicate. Find a girl that will like to communicate with you.
John is right though. I still feel like they can work on it though. Maybe her past has a lot to do with it and if they work TOGETHER on the communication, I feel like he doesn't have to just GIVE UP. (Just depends on how she responds.).
@@girlygirl1890 how do you work on communication with someone that refuses to communicate. Obviously, he needs to work on communication when there isn't a fight. But based on what upsets her communicating that they need to communicate will cause a fight will stop the communication. We all know people like this that are a lost cause and need many bad relationships and lots of therapy to get to a decent place.
@@myopinions1 I agree.
Why is it offensive to mention women being extra emotional while on their periods? We all know it's a real thing so why the taboo on mentioning it?
Because women aren’t held accountable so mentioning it makes you the bad person somehow.
Because, stupid, it’s taking accountability away from another person’s faults and putting it on the woman and her “mood swings” when men can be really stupid sometimes. Case in point.
But hormonally-induced mood swings are real and can make you behave differently so there's a real possibility that it can contribute to certain behaviors. Btw I don't appreciate you calling me stupid for asking a question so I'm gonna wait a week for you to cool down before continuing this discussion.
Because it shouldn't be a starting point to try and figure out the root of an argument. Because once you reduce the issue down to her period, then that's the end of that and there's no further resolution, which is wrong. Hormone imbalances are a response, not the original issue (mostly). There's legit issues to address and communication to improve before this guy is close enough and mature enough to even start to be a support during the hormonal times.
If my gurl is being unusually provocative or emotional, it's reasonable to ask if she's having that issue, because it's helpful to know if I should adjust my behavior accordingly, which sometimes entails not allowing her to spiral out of control for reasons that don't warrant doing so.
When there is doubt there is no doubt. Find someone more compatible. I don't find my marriage very challenging. I believe God put us together so I honor our marriage to reflect that.
I can argue and communicate through text, but not in person. I feel too anxious and emotional to organize my thoughts in a face to face disagreement
Hahah..that's a problem. You know that's a symptom of you not having any real human interaction..sad..
My wife’s attitude changes when she has her period and she even admits to it.
I think it’s rare for a woman’s cycles not to influence their thoughts and actions. Hormones are terrible. Not to the extreme of making us different people but for me it just makes me have more negative thought patterns (moody) and doesn’t take nearly as much to irritate me. Also, it often hurts. Some of us get some pretty bad cramps and it’s hard to be all happy go lucky when you’re in pain. And it’s EVERY single month. Men really do have it so easy.
@@supernova11711Not too mention being in pain, bloated and bleeding (often heavily) for 3-4 days….wonder why she’s moody?
Yes mood can definitely change but you notice this conversation was about how his girlfriend did not trust him because he acted like he was right in the way she did things was wrong .
@@supernova11711 Everything you said was correct, right up until that last sentence, "Men really do have it so easy." All that is, is you telling on yourself that you have no empathy for the struggles of men. They're very different to yours, but they're real all the same.
@@theclockworkcadaver7025 Everyone has LIFE struggles obviously. Yes, I can empathize and I’m not saying that life is a cake walk for anyone. All I’m saying is that we are born with certain ones already in place. So we have difficult lives as well this on top of everything else. You just have the difficult life.
You act as though this is the only thing we have to deal with and men are the only one struggling with life situations. We ALL have those. We just have this too…which is more invasive than you can even imagine.
Well, the fact that this caller is calling in for answers is AMAZING! She is probably not serious about the relationship. I think the girlfriend may not be trustworthy!
John really obsessed with that beard and Carhartt
He wishes he could grow one. Not that uncommon for a dude who can't.
@@johniii8147 fair enough just funny he kept bringing it up on air lol
He was simply finding a way to connect with him. Clearly. And if you've ever been a 20 year old young man with a full beard, you know how proud he can be about it. It's John's way of correcting the guy without putting him down.
It felt uncomfortable to hear because of too much stereotyping as opposed to a real assessment of the guy’s personality. Definitely the guy needed to hear some of the feedback but it also felt like Dr John dismissed his valid concerns. The guy didn’t ask to fix anything but to talk about the issues bothering his gf.
I don’t know if I agree with this one. This is the dynamic, I find myself in, where I do believe in talking about stuff to each other, and didn’t try at the beginning. Like this young man. My partner now gets very defensive and also will or just talk about it. so now I don’t bring stuff up because it’s not worth it back to me. So I’m not sure if Ivy will his assessment that this guy‘s girlfriend doesn’t feel safe because this guy is saying clearly it’s not. I think people have no idea or take a partners statements of things that are upsetting or bothering them as a personal attack Adam just the way I try and work together as a team. Biggest thing that stood out to me on this one was the guy calling in said his girlfriend refuses to come back around after taking a break, which is in my opinion definitely a red flag, because it’s a way of not being held accountable and then making your partner overtime stop stating their needs or hurts which is never healthy.
That is why there are resources out their for young couples to attend to get discussions going about family cultures and conflict resolution etc
Geesh. I almost always disagree with JD. This IS a huge deal breaker. I used to date a woman with communication issues and it never got better and extremely frustrating. Y'all thinking this advice is good is mind blowing.
If you're ever in a relationship and the other side says they "need a break", leave them forever. They don't want to be with you. Needing "space" is one thing, for example if you're cooped up in a 1BR apartment during a pandemic, or seeing each other 24/7, but if it gets to the point to where they "need a break", it's because they want to explore other dating options while keeping you sidelined as a backup plan. If your partner isn't 100% committed and into you, leave them and find someone who is. Sounds like this chick is sabotaging them into arguments because she maybe doesn't have the courage to fully break it off.
This is so accurate
EXACTLY!
But when they were talking about a “break” in the video, they were saying she needs space after an argument not a break from the relationship…
Needing space after an argument is normal.
Often, I need to walk away from someone in order to analyze the situation and how to approach straightening it out!
Other times, by getting some space, I realize that I just don't need to react, because it's not that big of a deal. But, by all means, space is needed so that I don't get ridiculous!
Love the show.
I didn’t hear that take at all Deloney. Although you may have nailed the caller’s tendencies I think the problem was avoidance. His partner didn’t just want to express feelings. She wasn’t expressing anything at all.
Then again, what do I know?
Well that’s another side of the coin that he doesn’t have to fix her problem is he doesn’t have to fix everything sometimes we don’t necessarily want to fix and we don’t want the advice
Oh that was helpful for me. I had a similar issues with truck driver bf. Clearly had trouble trusting him, felt not understood, frustrated, on top of that all disagreements are told/discussing with his friends. I didnt feel ready to open up.
Dr Jon missed the boat on this one. She has an avoidant attachment relationship style, and this young man needs to learn about it and decide if he wants to go down that road. It is HARD.
Great call
She probably has abandonment issues. For me, I have serious abandonment issues and whenever there's been a fight I need space to calm down to protect my partner from my words (I can be mean and I don't like it). In the end I'm often unable to go back because I'm so afraid they will reject me.
safety to speak out and expect no one to respond - just listen. As a man/human/person, I can only listen to someone complain about something without attempting to fix the problem. This is hard to somewhat comprehend. At what point is enough enough to just listen. For me, I want to be with someone who can move on from "stuff" after 1-2 wks of complaining. That seems like a healthy behavior. As he said "will this be an always behavior". He might not have the words, but he is on to something.....
Thank you. As a man 37 I've learned it's ok to vent but I want to solve your problems so we can move pass it and be happy. Why we talking and talking and talking about issues we have no control over. Vent, call it bullshit and move on. We can't fix it.
The thing is that at some point you have to talk about the issues because it’ll keep coming back up. Why drag it out? If you aren’t emotionally available, then don’t date!! Learn how to regulate your emotions before you start playing house.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. It's an old saying but it sure is true!
So young. . . he'll be learning about himself for the NEXT 50 years or so, lol. He'll be OK, because he's very insightful, and he's asking the right questions. Adorable.
I don't think the word "adorable" is fitting to describe a grown man. He's smarter than most, he knows a red flag when he see's one.
Yes, more dating advice please
Omg her family sounds like mine... minus the yelling. We get mad, go in separate rooms, then come out after we cooled down and never talk about it again. Not good. I always talk about things with my fiance and we always come to a respectful understanding.
Solid guidance
Give the guy a break. Until your married guys just don't understand periods. Yes he needs to be told not to attribute stuff to that automatically but he's 20. I feel like you really beat him over the head with that one
I think he beat him over it too-- to the point though the guy probably wont do it again ever.
Men seem to think women lose are minds during our period...it's annoying and untrue. Men will use it as an excuse for our anger instead of realizing they are the reason for us being upset.
What about men who have sisters?
@@signalfire15 If the sisters have any say then the boys will stay away and know absolutely nothing. :)
@@signalfire15 I had 3 sisters and knew nothing about a period other than they were more irritable sometimes. I know better now that I am married but a lot of guys don't know and are too afraid to ask. And I'd say most girls would be too embarrassed to explain. It's just a fact of life and I don't think it's right to make him feel like a complete dunce for it.
Ha ha the 1st ad interruption was for Carhart. No joke. Even before Honby Lobby - and it’s Christmas!
This is definitely something pretty much every man goes through
Great advice
omg..i used to get unreasonable like 2 weeks before my period!~ For some women IT IS AN ISSUE! And, i told my husband and others it was a comin! My daughter does the same thing.
Let her go...find a more compatible girlfriend for you...too much strife. It's not worth it for either of you.
A nice soft well groomed beard is a real turn on for me. The worst is stiff stubble that irritates my tender facial skin.
Smart dudes motorise their beard. Plenty of products for that.
I like em just not too much or too long.
THIS, THIS, THIS ❤❤❤❤❤
It’s always going to be like that and worse. She doesn’t know how to communicate and she runs from conflict and hope it goes away.
Sounds like he has a lot of anxiety and she can feel it.
Confidence is key.
This relationship sounds like a slow and silent train wreck. He's going to be spending most of their relationship trying to understand her… And she's gonna spend most of their relationship feeling she is being made to feel picked on and small. She's going to ask for a divorce after two children or three and he's going to try to solve the problem and in the end, everyone loses. Find someone you get immediately and then see if they have the values and the character to forge a long lasting relationship. You have to first be able to communicate before you can learn how to communicate better. Go find a new girl who fits you like a glove.
Wise words grasshopper. Wise words,...best I have read in many years.
That's why you should marry a friend. You get along with friends right? But people separate friendships and relationships.
I have struggled with the same things as this caller
This one was confusing for me.
I’m both personalities.
I’m the caller, and the 🐥!
Women just want a man to listen, not to solve her problems necessarily.
Ok, I've watched this guy give "advice" in several video's and all I do is cringe. What's with the way he does a cold reading on these peple like he's psychic?? The "advice" he gave this guy Jesse was the absolute worst! His girlfriend not talking through arguments is immature and definitely a red flag! What's with the weak-ass feminist answer regarding the guy considering her "time of the month" somehow inappropriate of him?...as a woman, I can say he isn't wrong in considering it...Jeez! If she continues acting that way, he needs to really reconsider the relationship. Period.
Exactly...Glad someone else called him out as well!
Deloney calls guys “dudes” but somehow chicks is not respectful. What a snowflake
Chicks are birds. Women aren't birds.
@@sairaphilip437 'Bird' is another word for women. Common in the UK. So yeah, they are.
Why do men like having beards so much? I’m 32, and I love the baby faces!! My bf can’t grow a beard either and I like it that way.. otherwise he’d probably try to grow one 😆 Eminem has always been the celebrity love of my life, and I wish he would go back to the baby face. But I always see men complimenting his beard… I don’t get it lol
I’m a woman and I believe with my whole heart that every man looks better with a beard.
Guys with more masculine features tend to end up with girls who aren't on birth control, as the pill changes women's aesthetic preference to favour more feminine features.
I call girls chicks--- It's a west coast thing.
An old 70s thing. I loved being my guys chick.
I think She’s cheating. That’s why she needs random “breaks”.
What's the caller problem with older people! lol!
This is why dudes need other dudes to talk to.
As a woman, you aren't offending me. I'm well aware I act insane around my period. 😂
I feel bad for men who call this dude for advice. He is atrocious and hones in on one small detail without looking at big picture. He slips into anti man diatribes. Dude if she is this much work now imagine her being your wife and raising your sons. No
I’m like Jesse, my husband wants to not talk.
Wtf is John talking about 😂😂 bro said his gf doesn’t communicate and John just started yapping about his personality and basically blaming him
My advice listen to Patrice o Neal. Black phillip.
The BOY has a lot of growing up still to do..but that's expected at 20. Just make sure their is birth control in place.
That’s not necessarily true. The girlfriends’ “problem solving” skills are also an issue here that her family helped foster. It seems like both of them need to work on some things, as we all do.
Huh? He sounds pretty mature for 20. This girl's avoidance behavior needs some serious coaching, IMO
@@NeuroSeasoned His behavior needs an equal amount of coaching. They are young it's pretty obvious it's not going to work out..which is to be expected at 20. His main job is to not knock her up and move on and grow.
@@johniii8147 Sounds like you're projecting your own failed relationships from your youth on to them.
Nothing wrong with being a workin' man!
If I didn’t know any better I would think this video sponsor is Carhartt.
I have to cringe and fast forward the start of every call because every fibre of my being cringes over Johns initial banter with callers. Its awful
I feel like John sold on this segment
As often as this guy says the word like, you can tell he's annoying and flippant. He needs to hold off on relationships until he has real growth.
Marry at 20? Way too young!
I married at 21 (yes, young), and my husband is 11 years older. Shocker! And, we've been happily married 10 years. What doesn't work for some works perfect for others.
My husband and I started dating at 17 have been together for 24 years now with 4 kids it depends on the people and weather or not they are mature enough to be together. Age to an extent is just a number because there are plenty of 40 year old running around that are about as mature as a 14 year old.
So it's the guys fault?? Girl sounds crazy
You joked a little too much in this session it wasn’t received well