John's advice is perfect. I was married to a man like this and made the mistake of falling too much into the caretaker role and going around doing all I could to quietly fix his messes. He'd lose his job so I'd work two. He'd break an item I'd clean up the pieces and buy a new one. I spent I don't know how many hours smoothing over social situations. Was raised in a religious household that taught that it was the woman's duty to make up for men's "natural temperment", so I thought this was all my fault and I needed to fix it. I thought I was making things better but just ended up making him worse and destroying my own mental health. I hope this guy is able to find peace rather he chooses to stay or go. I can tell he has a good heart.
Same! I was raised Christian. The elders and your family will tell you if he doesn't hit you or isn't a cheater there is no grounds for divorce. 🙏 for this young man to find a young lady that will pour just as much into him as he does her.
I was this guy. It's so easy to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make it work with someone who has severe mental health issues. Sometimes, you need to let go for your own sanity. Even if it seems selfish or unfair, but you only live one life. You shouldn't have to suffer through something as important as a marriage.
You are very much aware of the challenges this man faces. Hopefully he will not get married. Most mentally ill people play games with their meds. I know all too well. I grew up in a chaotic home of mental illness.
I was you too. I had to walk away from all of that. Told her I was not mentally equipped to deal with all of her issues. I suddenly became her therapist and she was dragging me down with her.
The real problem remains.. People using their "diagnoses", as an excuse for treating people that they love (truly) like 💩 because that's what many "therapists" teach people now more than ever. That's why people don't want to go into "therapy"..equally. I was having marital issues and one therapist told me straight up, her goal was to get me to hate men. I wish I was joking and I wish I could remember her name. I blocked it out. But all be aware. Call your therapists out and your S.Os.
I have Type I BD and I take responsibility for my illness. I take the meds as prescribed, I keep all my Dr.'s appointments, I was in therapy for over a year, I don't drink or do drugs, and I have great friends who all have my back when I enter a depressive cycle. I'm not working at the moment, but I volunteer for a mental health nonprofit (NAMI) and I facilitate support groups for those battling severe mental illness, drugs and alcohol. I never indulge myself with mania or hypomania, which is when the filter comes off and you say things you do not mean and regret later on. I'm single, 43, never married, but I don't care about that. I am good to people, good to my friends, and i take care of myself. People with mental illness are not bad people. We just happened to draw the shitty straw.
@@dell1032THANK YOU. Having both bipolar and BPD has been hell for me, and I don’t even get angry or violent with those around me but there’s a constant war going on in my head that I feel I will never win. :(
Dude hasn’t even married her and is already having more drama in his life than someone going through a divorce. This is not gonna end well. Don’t do it man, Just walk away.
Maybe, maybe not. We don't know them or their connection. And you don't know how her mania manifests, as that varies considerably from person to person. My sister in law is bipolar, and when my big bro was dating her and engaged to her, it was a rough rollercoaster. I never felt like I even met the girl he fell in love with until the day they married. But they, in spite of unique challenges, are in a strong relationship having been married for 11 years. And he isn't perfect either.
I have severe bipolar disorder. Having compassion, supporting your partner, learning about bipolar disorder, setting boundaries and holding your partner accountable for their actions are all things you can do. With the right treatment plan, this chronic, life threatening condition can be managed. I stay well by taking medication, going to therapy, participating in support groups, having good sleep hygiene, exercising and keeping a mood journal. Having a supportive, patient partner of 10 years has helped me so much. However I recognize he has limits and professionals need to help when I am too symptomatic. Please make sure to practice self care yourself and have your own support system or therapist.
I’m glad you’re doing so well. People in the comments are focusing on the negatives. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and I’m sure you’re an amazing partner
I noticed that he mentioned infidelity several times without it having been prompted. Do you feel as though promiscuous behavior is something that seems like a standard for people with bipolar disorder? Has that been something that's ever crossed your mind?
I’m glad you are doing well and it sounds like you have some self awareness. Many people in these comments have tried to set boundaries and they are immediately crossed and then it is denied they were crossed. Many have tried to hold their partner accountable and the partner simply says they never did the thing and might be upset at being accused. It is common for them to have revenge at being accused. I do wish more people with bipolar were self aware. But many think their partner is just out to get them.
I feel like John wanted to say that but never did he hinted with his boundaries talk and if you want to be in a relationship with me stuff but never said if she steps on your boundaries you will have to walk away.
When you have to quit your job, she causes emotional stress, you need to cut ties with this woman. Misery loves company. She is bringing you down. Your fiancé can’t keep a job. What does she bring to the table to make your life better? CUT BAIT!
This poor guy is opening himself up to a lot of pain with her. Sometimes loving someone is just not enough. A relationship has to be 2 sided. The potential of her having an affair, getting violent or leaving him is really high. Having children with her...no. I would suggest, no.
I'm bipolar. I'm on meds and doing my best to "control" it but this is exactly why I refuse to be in a relationship. I'm not putting this on anyone else.
Best to leave and let her sort out her issues. Find someone mentally stable. Her problems aren't your responsibility, and you would be tying yourself to heartache. Marriage won't make it better, and children will make it worse.
My mother has bipolar disorder/alcoholism. I’m 26 right now and since I was 12 I have seen my father be by her side through it all. My father is a good man. There were years of my life which were very tough, I have seen her commit suicide but survive twice, taken her in and out of rehab. Me and my father chose we love her enough to help her. I am okay with how it affected me, but I love my dad so much that sometimes I wish he left her and found a happier life. But I will be happy to report that she is on a good treatment plan now, good counselling and medication and doing much better. Infact for the past 4-5 years things have been pretty good. Life is strange. Love is strange. That’s all. Sadly I am genetically predisposed to it as well and have my own bouts of depression, my mother feels guilty about it, at the end of the day I know she loves me a lot.
My depression was so bad I wouldn’t get out of bed . My kids would tell my family I sleep a lot . They are wonderful kids and I hope it didn’t affect them too bad :/
@@weekendnomad5038 Well as the kid (not adult lol) I can tell you it did affect them. But I’ve realised most humans are resilient. Give yourself grace.
This is ignorant , people like you create the stigma against the mentally ill. Bipolar is EASILY treatable. If she doesn't better herself and follow her treatment then he should not be expected to go through the trouble. It is neurodevelopmental and mental illness , not mental health. Very big difference, with a few trials the right meds can put her in complete remission. I have personal experience in my family . Don't pass judgement and write of human beings when you don't understand.
I feel for this guy. I had a best friend with bipolar and borderline. I tried so hard to be a supportive friend and dropped everything every time an episode came up. It was exhausting. I felt guilty and worried if I didn't answer every phone call every time she needed me. It caused issues in my marriage as she pressured me to choose her needs over my husband's. Eventually I burnt out and got bitter, and we are no longer friends. If you have someone struggling, you need to make sure they are getting clinical help. A support system is great, but a support system won't fix the issues, especially if they push a lot of their support system away.
If this guy is reading this run. I mean this in the BEST way. I’ve been living this life for 8 years with two kids. My husband is your wife. It only gets worse from here. Find someone else break it off. She doesn’t want to help herself she’s not fighting with you. Don’t do it. My husband has bipolar type 2 and it’s emotionally taxing every single day.
I hope you run. I was married to a man with BPD. We had a kid and I felt like if I stayed he’d harm himself. He was like having another child, I loved him, but my whole world revolved around not triggering his moods. He hated every job, every boss was out to get him, and when he was mad he broke things or threatened to harm himself. Eventually I reached a breaking point and left. The first couple years were difficult, but it got easier. And even though it was initially hard, even my first day away was like coming up from water after drowning. I was still lost at sea with a kid, but I was alive again. It’s been six years and I’m now remarried in a happy, stable relationship with man who doesn’t throw a tantrum when I ask him to wash dishes. We’ve had two fights in as many years and none of them involved screaming. My new husband respects me and treats me like he’s lucky to be with me, and I do the same. It’s a life I never imagined possible when I was with my ex. Now my ex is remarried to a woman with bpd (they met in a support group) and they’re bonkers together, posting 12xday on Facebook about how they love each other while keeping their neighbors up with screaming matches. I wish them well, but their way of living isn’t what I wanted for me or my son. I hope you find the courage to do what’s best for you, if you haven’t already. I promise that as hard as it seems, there’s a better life on the other side.
I have the deepest sympathy for the both of them, this is really tough…he already sees her as a wife. But number one, he has to take care of himself first and his mental health. When someone is drowning, they will take you down with them. If they have an amazing support system to help him out a lot…this will be so hard.
My bipolar exwife was a 10 in the Hot Crazy Matrix. She's now been married 4 times and is single again. No matter how much you love them you honestly can't help them, so run for the hills, sooner, not later.
He'll go nuts if he tries to fix her. She needs to take responsibility for her disorder. She is the only one who can do it (with some good professional help and medication) And I highly recommend she stay away from alcohol.
The bipolar meds will not work well if the person having bipolar drinks alcohol... Just wanna share it as what my Psychiatrist told me.. I have bipolar affective disorder type 2 and currently having therapy with the meds from my Psychiatrist. The meds have really helped me a lot.
I wish I could tell him my story. There's a reason that 90% of marriages with a bipolar partner end in divorce. It's a grim statistic and a heartbreaking reality. Please let her go, if only for the sake of your future children
@@rebeccaofpollywogflatts8976 I'm so sorry. It's such a horrible illness, and it's caused my ex to do things that he later really regrets. As for the kids, on top of the stress of having a father who is unpredictable and disconnected from reality, they know the illness is hereditary, and they are terrified of developing it. Do you live near your grandkids? My ex's parents are an important part of our lives and I love them dearly
Well, I suppose some people also fall in love with people that only get sick later. Bipolar people for example can be completely normal when they aren’t going through an episode
I actually think this is very kind advice. I’m glad that there are men out there who are willing to help out their partners who are struggling mentally. A lot of these comments are ignorant but then I also see the other side of what it’s like when someone is un-medicated. Basically for anyone in a long term committed relationship you have to take care of your mental health if you want it to work. Pretty essential I’d say!
My wife used to call cops on me during manic episode. I was a danger and she had to protect herself. Even was nothing that really happened to bring her to that point. You become totally a stranger, even after 8 yrs marriage.
Please go to a medical library and educate yourself on bi-polar disorder. It is far more than what you've already experienced. You have kindness in you, but this is one case where your kindness can work against you.
I’m 9 years in with my bipolar husband and I’m so exhausted and drained - financially, emotionally and physically. I love him so much but my nervous system is frazzled every time he goes hypo or manic. I’ve been carrying the weight financially this whole time as he can’t or won’t hold down lasting employment. I’m tired of being the care taker. So much damage control. And yet, every time he gets balanced, I remember the man I fell in love with. This is heartbreaking but I have to start taking care of me. I’ve been asking him for a divorce for months and he just won’t leave… I feel like I’m taking care of a man child who won’t manage his addictions and just takes and takes and takes. He is essentially living with free room and board. Why would he leave? I’m currently trying to help him get on disability so that he actually has the means to take care of himself outside of me. I worry he will end up homeless and drug addicted with deteriorating mental health but what else can I do?? He’s dragging me down and I can’t get ahead and my heath is suffering.
@thengokalumbu5606 You are either a clown, an incel or a child. Mental illness is nobody's fault. OP should leave. Have a serious talk with him, set a time framework for him and initiate the divorce proceedings anyway. An addict that refuses to work and is using his mental illness as an excuse will NEVER change if they have no incentive to and your husband has none. His life is comfortable without any responsibility. Unfortunately it's difficult to have people accept being given less than we made them used to. Initiate separation and set a timeframe for him to move out. If he wanted to change,if he cared about you and your marriage - he would have done that already, he would have put in consistent effort.
It’s been two years with my fiance and I understand every word of this. I’m literally at a crossroads because she promised me the world and I seem to be the only one making sure we stay a float..how did things ever turn out for you guys?
This is perfect advice! My wife had bi polar and John just encouraged me to try my hardest to be the best person I can be through hard work because it will inevitably help her.
This makes me think of the Lumineer’s song Gloria, the music video specifically. It’s a young mom with clear emotional issues and alcoholism, and the husband is constantly saving her from walking off the proverbial cliff.
Bipolar is a beast, don't take it lightly. It's a life long battle. A few things to consider is that if you plan to have children, your child has a good chance with bipolar too. I've seen people just completely broken down dt family family having bipolar. The excessive spending, gambling, extreme hypersexual symptoms. Make sure to truly understand what you are getting into because I've seen it all working in a bx health institute.
As someone that suffers from Bi-polar disorder myself RUN! you do not have to stay or marry this person, it's funny she hide it this long RUN! RUN! RUN! it only gets worse
Men want to fix things, but there is no fixing this woman and he needs to realize this or his life will be miserable trying to take care of her. Sad but the hard truth.
I dated and lived with someone who had a family member struggle with bipolar. A lot of these behaviors were normalized in her youth, mixed with her anxiety and brought into our relationship. Her family had years of pain, therapy and survival tactics.... I was just the boyfriend. Deer in the headlights. It's not fair to you if you don't have the tools of a mental health expert. If they are not on medication and not actively working on themselves. Walk away.
This is true. People have to acknowledge that bipolar people still have worth and value. We potentially have a lot to offer. However, people have to learn and remember that even a properly medicated bipolar person is going to be higher maintainance than what they are probably used to. Medication and treatment are essential, but they still don't make a bipolar person 100% "normal".
Wow, this man is really opening himself up and I admire and appreciate that. I hope things get better. I've been there first hand as the person with the disorder. Things are great now. I have a fiancée, life is still tough at times, but it's good and we take each day at a time.
You're only stuck if you choose to stay. You can choose to leave if you want to. It ain't easy but life is never easy. Gotta learn to make those hard decisions. The choice is yours.
Sad, but that's probably an accurate assessment. My sister married an unemployed alcoholic. It's sad to see people waste their lives with a partner who only drags them down in life.
I grew up with a bipolar family member. You really need couples counseling. Then decide what you want to do! They are not easy people to live with! Good luck!
My father has bipolar disorder and was diagnosed years into marriage with my mother. Yes, people with bipolar disorder are very difficult to live with and affects the whole family. My mother said if my father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before marrying, she would not have married him. I have seen how emotionally and mentally taxing on her especially when his words and actions were hurtful. Everyone has value and is worthy of love, but I know myself and I could not marry someone with this disorder.
If you’re not even married yet and forcing the pieces to fit, that’s a major sign to try again with someone else. Why purposely live in chaos? My peace is priceless
I have bipolar but my husband had it made. After 12 years i learned what a narcissist was. I literally was ready all narcs tactics and what they hope to achieve. My husband checked off everybox. I finally had my eyes opened and couldn't look at him the same way.
All this guy needs to ask himself is if he can do this for another 50 yrs cos thats what hes looking at. He will need to be a whole lot of compassion and love and compromise and kindness.
Doc... Coming from a person diagnosed with Bipolar 1, rapid cycling, mixed state...w/ psychotic features for decades...Your advice is excellent and though I've had stability and an honest relationship with an amazing neuropsychiatrist for 13 years - I was textbook out of control. Medication resistant. Ended in arrest. Best thing for me. My life is not perfect but highs and lows are totally manageable. I'm starting a podcast on my TH-cam channel and I would love to interview you. PS: I'm engaged to a wonderful man. I take charge of myself ❤
If people really want to change their behavior, they can…they need to be willing to learn…Bay Area life skills changed me, with teaching classes. I spent 3 years learning…it’s a lot about traumas that people have through life, especially kids growing up with dis functional families.
My baby brother has the same issues and is an addict. Dealing with him is so exhausting. He refuses to take meds and is an addict. He is currently homeless. Our entire family have now removed ourselves from him because the episodes etc. I pray for this guy's own mental health because he's taking on a lot, love is not enough
Wow, I am so shocked and saddened by most of these comments. I would have hoped that Dr delony would have worked towards destigmatizing mental health illness. While I completely agree that you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first in the relationship and for the benefit of both of you, and I completely agree that the person with the mental illness needs to be committed to their mental health wellness plan, I don’t think that it’s the right message to be ‘run’! It’s just reinforcing this terrible message that people who suffer from chronic mental illness are to be shunned and avoided because they are a drain and will take your happiness away. People are so much more than their illness! The mental health care system is so lacking in support for both the individual and family members, there needs to be a better way to create a proper support system and care team. Again, it wouldn’t work unless you and your partner are both on the same page and your partner is taking responsibility for their illness. People with mental illness are some of the kindest and gentlest and loyal people and they have so much to offer the world and they deserve to have loving relationships.
yeah but when things don't go their way they threaten self harm. My sister is bipolar. Every romantic relationship she had went the same route. I help her the best I can but I keep a healthy distance.
Before I married a bipolar man, I thought that the marriage would swing back and forth between the person I had fallen in love with, a person crushed by depression, and someone who was obnoxiously hypomanic. A few weeks after the marriage, the kind person I thought he was disappeared completely and never came back. After eight years, he told me he wanted to move on, so I took the children and left. It *is* possible that he is not just bipolar, but also a narcissist and a liar who tricked me. It could be that this disorder makes one just too ill-suited for marriage. One of the worst things about this illness is that you will never know if it's the illness or the person acting/talking. That person will make you miserable. Every time you reach out to a professional, a book, or the internet for help, those sources will shame you for not being more understanding. You'll silence yourself for fear of "triggering" an episode. In the end, that person will never appreciate you and will even come to sneer at you and disrespect you for being dumb enough to be with them.
Same thing happened to me. Right after the honeymoon. He already moved out after 2 weeks of marriage. Claims he moved out to learn how to be a good husband.
My brother has bipolar and there have been episodes of all out psychosis. My husband has alcoholism that developed almost immediately after marriage and I feel a similar way to what you described. I know he has anxiety and depression, but at times I wonder if he has bipolar too. He once yelled at me for asking him if he needed me to get him a spoon at the dinner table. The instability in the home and walking on eggshells is terrible.
Being with a man like this for 20+ yrs. It’s sooooooow hard! I didn’t have the access to internet story’s like this. I’ve got betrayed I discovered last week. After 20+ yrs… No clue on what to do next. He’s sorry, but that’s a part of bpd as well. Looks more like fear of abandonment to me. I’m going to work on me now, because I have no idea who I am anymore
So who is gonna check if they take their meds?! One of my friend killed himself and not taking his meds was definitely one of the reasons. Very dangerous advice here!!!
He's too close to the situation to see that she's ruining his life. It sounds like he's trauma-bonded and he doesn't have any other serious relationship experience to see how destructive this is and how much better it can be. It would be one thing if an illness developed after you'd taken vows, but why, why would you ever *choose* for your life to be nightmarishly difficult? You don't have to love her. You don't have to marry her. You definitely don't need to have kids with her. The highs are NOT worth the lows.
Not having watched the entire video I will just state to anyone thinking of getting married, ANY thing you don’t like about someone will be very magnified when you are married. Before you say I do to someone, you’d better like them a LOT more than you love them and be sure that you can live with any quirks that person has. If you can’t, do not get married.
Being with someone like this is exhausting. I hope he has the courage to leave her. Enabling someone isn't doing them favors. Sometimes you have to let them hit rock bottom on their own
My aunt was married to a biploar man. He was one of 8 kids, 6 had bipolar as did his mom. He was the only child who refused medications andcgocused on vitamins and physical fitness. They had 5 kids, 3 out of my 5 cousins have bipolar. The uncle was difficult but msintained a fulltime job as an electrician. As soon as the work structure was removed after retirement, OHMy. He was manic, and wild. Lawyers had my aunt divorce him to protect finances. He assaulted the female psychiatrist he was assigned to by the courts because he was hyper sexualized. So my point is that life without the meds is not good. His siblings on the treatment had calmer, successful lives.
Separate from each other until she can get stable. This is tough, my ex husband was ADHD and Bipolar. He wouldn't get counseling, but he did take his meds. Manic episodes are very scary! I got mentally sick from the drama and stress. This young man could get depressed and anxiety as a result. It resulted in him having multiple simultaneous affairs. It's not easy.
My wife goes through this, respect to this caller for admitting to some of his faults in it all. This comment is 4 mins in lol, let’s see how this goes
Men/ red pill. This never ends. Move forward without her. She has parents. I mean he stop working and still has to eat and pay rent. If your 25 how long will this go on? It’s hard to get a new job. More men find out life is better without a woman, consumer debt, credit card debt, hospital debt, (you can’t find a healthy relationship) how much does a good night sleep cost? Bipolar depression is a lifelong condition that creates unusual mood changes that can vary in length and severity. You can go from feeling revved up and euphoric to feeling down and hopeless.
I feel so sorry for him. You can tell he loves her. Love is not enough. Don't hitch your wagon to crazy. Think about your future children and the chaos that their life would be. Get out.
Please remember this is a human being that did not ask for this mental illness. You really don’t need to call her crazy. Should he walk away, possibly. But let’s give her some kindness and respect. Thank you.
@@elizabethbayless8867 You stated that perfectly. The callousness of this comment is remarkable & one of the reasons why people with disorders sometimes choose to be a recluse than deal with ppl like this.
I was in Chris's shoes. My fist love had bipolar disorder. One time she picked up a big rock and threatened to throw it at me. She ended up running around with another guy and was lying a lot. She was so difficult to deal with. Chris get out, if you haven't already.
I do feel awful for people suffering from serious mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar but I can't imagine knowingly picking a partner with those diseases. Makes me wonder what goes through some of these guys'' minds who pick these types of partners.
I dated a guy with bipolar disorder, I tried learning as much as I could about it and be there for him. It became very difficult for me to pick myself up from the current mental health issues I had, while also being there for him the way he wanted and needed me to be. One key thing mentioned here was alcohol, he became a completely different person with alcohol, hurt himself, non stop crying, non stop smoking. It started to make me have this paranoia effect every time I heard a can of beer open up or the whiskey glass bottle placed on the counter because I knew he was going to start drinking and an episode was imminent. I had to walk to walk away. It was hard for me. I cried. I worried. But I had to do it for my own good and his.
@@KidCity1985 And wonder how she managed to mortgage the paid off house and sleep with the neighbors while you were working and send you to counseling because it's all your fault. This dude needs to run fast....
@@GardenerEarthGuy we crack me up. My son had one of those, got out in the nick of time, after mom had a talk with him. She literally went to a mental hospital a couple times.
I have a bi polar daughter .it's tough .sh can exhaust me ...but sh getting the help sh needs .. Bi polar people need extra love. Patience and understanding . I truly understand what you going through .you either understand her or you leave her . Most of the time they unaware of what they do..... Get her help ... That's all I can say ..
He is a brave dude, but he sounds exhausted and depressed. This is tough. They are already in the sickness and in health phase before the marital vows. Plus her monthly hormones and if they want kids, it will be so much harder. I've seen this situation in a friends marriage. God bless them both with whatever they decide or happens in the future.
Yeah, I knew a woman who had bipolar and she was on her third marriage. She left her second marriage for literally no reason other than she just got bored and wanted excitement.
He's not brave. He's getting something out of this or he is mentally unwell himself. He's voluntarily putting himself through this, and so why should we feel sorry for him?
@@veracityhunter7777 fair point I agee, and you reminded me of my guy friend that married my bipolar friend, they both had issues, were needy and they felt like they saved each other. This caller might be hanging in there because of guilt, but I don't feel sorry for him, it is his life long choice. Sounds bad, but they are only engaged, personally I would bow out while possible at least for my health, marriage is hard work as it is.
Dude, you have got to pick and choose what is worth it and what is not. Bipolar runs in my family. I have seen the effects for decades. Of the at least 7 people I know who have it, exactly ONE has taken responsibility for their condition, and really I think he jus sort of grew out of it for the most part, but he still has majorly immature behaviors. The rest self medicate, blame others and make between small and large messes in their lives regularly. You sound like a decent guy and there are many thousands of women out there who don't have this problem. It's already bad. Don't walk...RUN if she doesn't seem willing to get herself together PRONTO. Don't let her take the lead. She's either IN 100%, or you are OUT. And be DONE. It's not worth it.
It only gets worse. Much worse I’m married to a person who’s bipolar and has schizophrenia lied about the diagnosis to begin with. Now we’re married and now I have mental issues married to him. I’m depressed have anxiety etc. get out!
I could never do it. My life, peace and tranquility are much more important than this chaos. Edit to add: Delony should have encouraged him to LEAVE and not to stay. Because healthy people would have ran for the hills and know they have a better life elsewhere and not because they are @z7holes. Remember he was the one who called and not the fiancee. Deloney should have assessed if he is suffering from CPTSD and trauma bonding is happening here.
Exactly. 💯💯💯 I would never date or marry someone I need to fix. Dating/marrying a mentally and emotionally healthy person is already hard as it is, but to choose someone who's chaotic is going to be a nightmare, it's just punishing yourself at this point. A healthy person would not choose nor tolerate a chaotic person. If he's tolerating her bipolar then he's not healthy himself.
As someone with a disorder myself, don't get married to her. I discovered over time that I am very motivated and work hard to stay well when I am single and only have myself to rely on. When someone else comes in and tries to change or fix things (to their own ways, not thinking about what is working best for me) then everything comes apart. I have to do a lot of things in odd or unusual ways - but it works for me.
Some loads may be too heavy to carry that it may be better to leave them. Marriage is serious responsibility and it takes two strong committed people to make it work. I am not sure if this lady will be able to take her responsibilities as a wife and a mother, so the guy will have to take the burden to take care of her, of kids if there are kids, and of everything else. I feel like he will get exhausted and bitter and hating his own life. It has been five years for them and the relationship feels so depressing, how about for the rest of their life. The lady will not change, her condition will not go away, probably she will get worse. If this guy wants to sacrifice his own life and happiness, he can stay and be her caretaker, until he totally burns out or die. As bad as it may sound, it may be better for the two to part ways now.
Some of these comments are stupid. I have bipolar and children. In so many childhood trauma and etc. I've been with my husband for 18 years, and he deals with it. I am trying my best, SORRY WE WERE BORN WITH THIS MENTAL HEALTH. BE GLAD, YOU ALL ARE NORMAL AND DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP EVERYDAY.
We are far from normal and have a plethora of issues. It's just to willingly take on more issues is the concern. We are happy your husband is there for you as you are committed. Just don't ask someone dating to commit to this. Would someone with this issue marry someone else with it?
I studied this 20 years ago bc my bf had a dx and I wanted to know more so I could be supportive. From what I understand, everyone has the tendency toward bipolar disorder. It’s a matter of being triggered one day, traumatized, getting an illness or disease. No one on here has any business being judge mental.
They really are. I have bipolar disorder, and it's the biggest challenge in my life. It consumes a lot of my time, but I deal with it. I do what I need to do to find stability. All the meds, all the treatments, all the therapies, I've done it all. I live with my husband and two teenagers and we have a happy life. My symptoms suck, but my life doesn't suck. My husband "puts up with me" because he wants to be here. It's almost like people are more than their mental illnesses. These gloom and doom comments just further stigmatize an illness that no one chooses to have.
My wish is for everyone to turn to God when we struggle. Jesus restored my mental health, I was ready to go, ready to die. In one instant , surrendered to God and I've been changed ever since. I pray for everyone suffering with mental health to seek God first.❤️🙏
Amen! Thank you for sharing your story. Jesus has done the same for me after struggling for years. I can’t explain how good God is nor how amazing I feel. If you search for God with all your heart, you will find Him and He will heal you.
I think I know what happened to her, almost... When I got out of college, I straight up attempted suicide, TWICE. For a lot of people, the transition from college to career is insane. If the emotional upswing/down swing is caused by what can is foreseeable going away, then I won't make decisions because of these episodes.
I would leave. At this point is for your future family. She needs to take care of herself first. Too many changes going on for her, and she might be pushing him intentionally.
Umm because having bipolar disorder has nothing to do with a persons value or worth. And because people with bipolar are not excluded from having a multitude of positive character traits, values, gifts, morals and love. Bipolar doesn't define a person.
I had a friend who married a woman who was suspected of having bipolar. She divorced husband number 2 to marry him (#3). She was cheating on him almost immediately.
![BOWKYLION - วิงวอน (ex-change) [Official MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/cLdnZWDaO-w/mqdefault.jpg)
If a guy asked me “how could I best love you right now?” I would ugly cry. How beautiful !
Yeah, that's such a beautiful way of showing support. Dr John always knows what to say.
Me too. Me too.
John's advice is perfect. I was married to a man like this and made the mistake of falling too much into the caretaker role and going around doing all I could to quietly fix his messes. He'd lose his job so I'd work two. He'd break an item I'd clean up the pieces and buy a new one. I spent I don't know how many hours smoothing over social situations. Was raised in a religious household that taught that it was the woman's duty to make up for men's "natural temperment", so I thought this was all my fault and I needed to fix it. I thought I was making things better but just ended up making him worse and destroying my own mental health.
I hope this guy is able to find peace rather he chooses to stay or go. I can tell he has a good heart.
Same! I was raised Christian. The elders and your family will tell you if he doesn't hit you or isn't a cheater there is no grounds for divorce. 🙏 for this young man to find a young lady that will pour just as much into him as he does her.
That's some shitty religion not gonna lie
I was this guy. It's so easy to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make it work with someone who has severe mental health issues. Sometimes, you need to let go for your own sanity. Even if it seems selfish or unfair, but you only live one life. You shouldn't have to suffer through something as important as a marriage.
You are very much aware of the challenges this man faces. Hopefully he will not get married. Most mentally ill people play games with their meds. I know all too well. I grew up in a chaotic home of mental illness.
I was you too. I had to walk away from all of that. Told her I was not mentally equipped to deal with all of her issues. I suddenly became her therapist and she was dragging me down with her.
The real problem remains.. People using their "diagnoses", as an excuse for treating people that they love (truly) like 💩 because that's what many "therapists" teach people now more than ever. That's why people don't want to go into "therapy"..equally. I was having marital issues and one therapist told me straight up, her goal was to get me to hate men. I wish I was joking and I wish I could remember her name. I blocked it out. But all be aware. Call your therapists out and your S.Os.
I have Type I BD and I take responsibility for my illness. I take the meds as prescribed, I keep all my Dr.'s appointments, I was in therapy for over a year, I don't drink or do drugs, and I have great friends who all have my back when I enter a depressive cycle. I'm not working at the moment, but I volunteer for a mental health nonprofit (NAMI) and I facilitate support groups for those battling severe mental illness, drugs and alcohol. I never indulge myself with mania or hypomania, which is when the filter comes off and you say things you do not mean and regret later on. I'm single, 43, never married, but I don't care about that. I am good to people, good to my friends, and i take care of myself. People with mental illness are not bad people. We just happened to draw the shitty straw.
@@dell1032THANK YOU. Having both bipolar and BPD has been hell for me, and I don’t even get angry or violent with those around me but there’s a constant war going on in my head that I feel I will never win. :(
Dude hasn’t even married her and is already having more drama in his life than someone going through a divorce. This is not gonna end well. Don’t do it man, Just walk away.
Agreed 👍
Maybe, maybe not. We don't know them or their connection. And you don't know how her mania manifests, as that varies considerably from person to person. My sister in law is bipolar, and when my big bro was dating her and engaged to her, it was a rough rollercoaster. I never felt like I even met the girl he fell in love with until the day they married. But they, in spite of unique challenges, are in a strong relationship having been married for 11 years. And he isn't perfect either.
I was in a relationship with a man who had bipolar disorder. It wasn't the easiest and I really wish him the best.
Glad you got away. Hope he’s okay but I’m on your side for running. In this world: we need to save ourselves, especially Women
I have severe bipolar disorder. Having compassion, supporting your partner, learning about bipolar disorder, setting boundaries and holding your partner accountable for their actions are all things you can do. With the right treatment plan, this chronic, life threatening condition can be managed. I stay well by taking medication, going to therapy, participating in support groups, having good sleep hygiene, exercising and keeping a mood journal. Having a supportive, patient partner of 10 years has helped me so much. However I recognize he has limits and professionals need to help when I am too symptomatic. Please make sure to practice self care yourself and have your own support system or therapist.
I’m glad you’re doing so well. People in the comments are focusing on the negatives. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and I’m sure you’re an amazing partner
I noticed that he mentioned infidelity several times without it having been prompted. Do you feel as though promiscuous behavior is something that seems like a standard for people with bipolar disorder? Has that been something that's ever crossed your mind?
I’m glad you are doing well and it sounds like you have some self awareness. Many people in these comments have tried to set boundaries and they are immediately crossed and then it is denied they were crossed. Many have tried to hold their partner accountable and the partner simply says they never did the thing and might be upset at being accused. It is common for them to have revenge at being accused.
I do wish more people with bipolar were self aware. But many think their partner is just out to get them.
@@123kjammypeople with bipolar tend to have hyper sexuality during mania.
@@123kjammyhyper sexuality is common in mania
My daughter in law has this Man don't set yourself with this It will always be exhausting It only gets worse
Learn to type
@@johnspence5689It’s the lack of punctuation.
You don’t have to marry her.
I feel like John wanted to say that but never did he hinted with his boundaries talk and if you want to be in a relationship with me stuff but never said if she steps on your boundaries you will have to walk away.
@SMB Girly Girl wet box isn't worth your sanity
@SMB Girly Girl Has to be
Found the i-cels
@@erismana2105 exactly!
When you have to quit your job, she causes emotional stress, you need to cut ties with this woman. Misery loves company. She is bringing you down. Your fiancé can’t keep a job. What does she bring to the table to make your life better? CUT BAIT!
Sounds exhausting taking care of another adult. Dont marry her.
This poor guy is opening himself up to a lot of pain with her. Sometimes loving someone is just not enough. A relationship has to be 2 sided. The potential of her having an affair, getting violent or leaving him is really high. Having children with her...no. I would suggest, no.
Damaged
I'm bipolar. I'm on meds and doing my best to "control" it but this is exactly why I refuse to be in a relationship. I'm not putting this on anyone else.
You're so brave. My mother was Bi-polar and had seven children. We all suffered terribly and my wonderful father who protected us from her wrath? 😢
You can have a healthy relationship, it is possible❤
Uh, don’t get married? It’s not illegal to be single you know.
True. Marriage is just a merging of assets and liabilities and I definitely wouldn't want to merge assets with someone who has bipolar.
@@kensmith2796 I’ve seen it happen, sadly, though not me personally.
Exactly
Best to leave and let her sort out her issues. Find someone mentally stable. Her problems aren't your responsibility, and you would be tying yourself to heartache. Marriage won't make it better, and children will make it worse.
My mother has bipolar disorder/alcoholism. I’m 26 right now and since I was 12 I have seen my father be by her side through it all. My father is a good man. There were years of my life which were very tough, I have seen her commit suicide but survive twice, taken her in and out of rehab. Me and my father chose we love her enough to help her. I am okay with how it affected me, but I love my dad so much that sometimes I wish he left her and found a happier life. But I will be happy to report that she is on a good treatment plan now, good counselling and medication and doing much better. Infact for the past 4-5 years things have been pretty good. Life is strange. Love is strange. That’s all.
Sadly I am genetically predisposed to it as well and have my own bouts of depression, my mother feels guilty about it, at the end of the day I know she loves me a lot.
No matter how much chaos she causes I know she hates herself the most, which breaks my heart for her. You have to learn to rationalise.
My depression was so bad I wouldn’t get out of bed . My kids would tell my family I sleep a lot . They are wonderful kids and I hope it didn’t affect them too bad :/
That's so sweet I'm so happy that things have worked out for you and your family
@@weekendnomad5038 Well as the kid (not adult lol) I can tell you it did affect them. But I’ve realised most humans are resilient. Give yourself grace.
@@taytayqueen7024 Not necessarily.
Fiance? Dude why would you marry someone like this its only gonna get worst...
This is ignorant , people like you create the stigma against the mentally ill. Bipolar is EASILY treatable. If she doesn't better herself and follow her treatment then he should not be expected to go through the trouble. It is neurodevelopmental and mental illness , not mental health. Very big difference, with a few trials the right meds can put her in complete remission. I have personal experience in my family . Don't pass judgement and write of human beings when you don't understand.
I feel for this guy. I had a best friend with bipolar and borderline. I tried so hard to be a supportive friend and dropped everything every time an episode came up. It was exhausting. I felt guilty and worried if I didn't answer every phone call every time she needed me. It caused issues in my marriage as she pressured me to choose her needs over my husband's. Eventually I burnt out and got bitter, and we are no longer friends. If you have someone struggling, you need to make sure they are getting clinical help. A support system is great, but a support system won't fix the issues, especially if they push a lot of their support system away.
If this guy is reading this run. I mean this in the BEST way. I’ve been living this life for 8 years with two kids. My husband is your wife. It only gets worse from here. Find someone else break it off. She doesn’t want to help herself she’s not fighting with you. Don’t do it. My husband has bipolar type 2 and it’s emotionally taxing every single day.
I hope you run. I was married to a man with BPD. We had a kid and I felt like if I stayed he’d harm himself. He was like having another child, I loved him, but my whole world revolved around not triggering his moods. He hated every job, every boss was out to get him, and when he was mad he broke things or threatened to harm himself. Eventually I reached a breaking point and left. The first couple years were difficult, but it got easier. And even though it was initially hard, even my first day away was like coming up from water after drowning. I was still lost at sea with a kid, but I was alive again. It’s been six years and I’m now remarried in a happy, stable relationship with man who doesn’t throw a tantrum when I ask him to wash dishes. We’ve had two fights in as many years and none of them involved screaming. My new husband respects me and treats me like he’s lucky to be with me, and I do the same. It’s a life I never imagined possible when I was with my ex. Now my ex is remarried to a woman with bpd (they met in a support group) and they’re bonkers together, posting 12xday on Facebook about how they love each other while keeping their neighbors up with screaming matches. I wish them well, but their way of living isn’t what I wanted for me or my son.
I hope you find the courage to do what’s best for you, if you haven’t already. I promise that as hard as it seems, there’s a better life on the other side.
I have the deepest sympathy for the both of them, this is really tough…he already sees her as a wife. But number one, he has to take care of himself first and his mental health. When someone is drowning, they will take you down with them. If they have an amazing support system to help him out a lot…this will be so hard.
My bipolar exwife was a 10 in the Hot Crazy Matrix. She's now been married 4 times and is single again. No matter how much you love them you honestly can't help them, so run for the hills, sooner, not later.
Jesus Christ
Moving forward you better ask for medical records
Some people are schizophrenic, bipolar, or pathological liars
At this point ill just walk away.
For real. So much work for someone that's not even his wife! WHY?!
@@veracityhunter7777 What if she was his wife already? Do you think that would put more weight on the decision? Curious to know your thoughts. Thanks
@@Bluesnakes333 No, it wouldn't for me. However, some people take "Until death" seriously.
Exactly, I don't know why he's so pressed to do all this. If he thinks it's hard now, it'll only get harder in marriage.
@Keppler maybe he actually loves her… even think for that dofus?
After eight years of dealing with this. This is my first time hearing a normal person talk about it. Thank you so much my journey starts today.
He'll go nuts if he tries to fix her. She needs to take responsibility for her disorder. She is the only one who can do it (with some good professional help and medication) And I highly recommend she stay away from alcohol.
The bipolar meds will not work well if the person having bipolar drinks alcohol... Just wanna share it as what my Psychiatrist told me.. I have bipolar affective disorder type 2 and currently having therapy with the meds from my Psychiatrist. The meds have really helped me a lot.
I wish I could tell him my story. There's a reason that 90% of marriages with a bipolar partner end in divorce. It's a grim statistic and a heartbreaking reality. Please let her go, if only for the sake of your future children
My grandchildren are suffering greatly. Very grim future.
@@rebeccaofpollywogflatts8976 I'm so sorry. It's such a horrible illness, and it's caused my ex to do things that he later really regrets. As for the kids, on top of the stress of having a father who is unpredictable and disconnected from reality, they know the illness is hereditary, and they are terrified of developing it. Do you live near your grandkids? My ex's parents are an important part of our lives and I love them dearly
My mom always said “you can’t fix crazy”.
Maybe she was talking to you crazy
@@theperfectimperfectfamily13 bahahaha. That’s great! Probably so!
What is he doing?! If he marries her it will be the biggest regret of his life. Run!!
Why do people always gotta date/marry people they have to fix? And then complain about it?
Why choose to do that to yourself?
Codependent people do this.
Well, I suppose some people also fall in love with people that only get sick later. Bipolar people for example can be completely normal when they aren’t going through an episode
I actually think this is very kind advice. I’m glad that there are men out there who are willing to help out their partners who are struggling mentally. A lot of these comments are ignorant but then I also see the other side of what it’s like when someone is un-medicated. Basically for anyone in a long term committed relationship you have to take care of your mental health if you want it to work. Pretty essential I’d say!
My wife used to call cops on me during manic episode. I was a danger and she had to protect herself.
Even was nothing that really happened to bring her to that point.
You become totally a stranger, even after 8 yrs marriage.
Dude….you can literally call it off!
Taking it from me I'm bi polar and it's not easy
Thanks for asking for help vrs leaving 🙏🏾
Run run fast as you can.
I like how John spends time with callers and drills down to their core problems.
Please go to a medical library and educate yourself on bi-polar disorder. It is far more than what you've already experienced.
You have kindness in you, but this is one case where your kindness can work against you.
I’m 9 years in with my bipolar husband and I’m so exhausted and drained - financially, emotionally and physically. I love him so much but my nervous system is frazzled every time he goes hypo or manic. I’ve been carrying the weight financially this whole time as he can’t or won’t hold down lasting employment. I’m tired of being the care taker. So much damage control. And yet, every time he gets balanced, I remember the man I fell in love with. This is heartbreaking but I have to start taking care of me. I’ve been asking him for a divorce for months and he just won’t leave… I feel like I’m taking care of a man child who won’t manage his addictions and just takes and takes and takes. He is essentially living with free room and board. Why would he leave? I’m currently trying to help him get on disability so that he actually has the means to take care of himself outside of me. I worry he will end up homeless and drug addicted with deteriorating mental health but what else can I do?? He’s dragging me down and I can’t get ahead and my heath is suffering.
The only way a man ends up homeless and drug addicted and you’re his wife is because you brought him down. Even in men with bipolar
You have to leave him.
@thengokalumbu5606 You are either a clown, an incel or a child. Mental illness is nobody's fault. OP should leave. Have a serious talk with him, set a time framework for him and initiate the divorce proceedings anyway. An addict that refuses to work and is using his mental illness as an excuse will NEVER change if they have no incentive to and your husband has none. His life is comfortable without any responsibility. Unfortunately it's difficult to have people accept being given less than we made them used to.
Initiate separation and set a timeframe for him to move out. If he wanted to change,if he cared about you and your marriage - he would have done that already, he would have put in consistent effort.
It’s okay to leave, you need safety, stability, and healing! ❤️🩹
It’s been two years with my fiance and I understand every word of this. I’m literally at a crossroads because she promised me the world and I seem to be the only one making sure we stay a float..how did things ever turn out for you guys?
This is perfect advice! My wife had bi polar and John just encouraged me to try my hardest to be the best person I can be through hard work because it will inevitably help her.
Thank you. This helped. My 15yr daughter has BP. I need to hear such stories. Thank you all.
This makes me think of the Lumineer’s song Gloria, the music video specifically. It’s a young mom with clear emotional issues and alcoholism, and the husband is constantly saving her from walking off the proverbial cliff.
Bipolar is a beast, don't take it lightly. It's a life long battle. A few things to consider is that if you plan to have children, your child has a good chance with bipolar too. I've seen people just completely broken down dt family family having bipolar. The excessive spending, gambling, extreme hypersexual symptoms. Make sure to truly understand what you are getting into because I've seen it all working in a bx health institute.
As someone that suffers from Bi-polar disorder myself RUN! you do not have to stay or marry this person, it's funny she hide it this long RUN! RUN! RUN! it only gets worse
Men want to fix things, but there is no fixing this woman and he needs to realize this or his life will be miserable trying to take care of her. Sad but the hard truth.
I dated and lived with someone who had a family member struggle with bipolar. A lot of these behaviors were normalized in her youth, mixed with her anxiety and brought into our relationship. Her family had years of pain, therapy and survival tactics.... I was just the boyfriend. Deer in the headlights. It's not fair to you if you don't have the tools of a mental health expert. If they are not on medication and not actively working on themselves. Walk away.
That's the key, being on medication and working on themselves.
This is true. People have to acknowledge that bipolar people still have worth and value. We potentially have a lot to offer.
However, people have to learn and remember that even a properly medicated bipolar person is going to be higher maintainance than what they are probably used to.
Medication and treatment are essential, but they still don't make a bipolar person 100% "normal".
Wow, this man is really opening himself up and I admire and appreciate that. I hope things get better. I've been there first hand as the person with the disorder. Things are great now. I have a fiancée, life is still tough at times, but it's good and we take each day at a time.
Don’t get married !!! I’m stuck in the situation and wish I would of never went through with it!!!!!!!!!
I'm very sorry to hear of your situation.
First of all, you are not stuck. You can choose to leave.
You're only stuck if you choose to stay. You can choose to leave if you want to. It ain't easy but life is never easy. Gotta learn to make those hard decisions. The choice is yours.
Damn so how many of y’all go out of the way to marry bipolars??
Poor guy must think he is worthless.
Sad, but that's probably an accurate assessment. My sister married an unemployed alcoholic. It's sad to see people waste their lives with a partner who only drags them down in life.
Agreed.
He probably doesn't think highly of himself to hitch his life to her chaotic mess.
Or the sex is really his thing. It's dysfunctional.
If he stays with her, he'll have a horrible life. I think he should end the relationship.
Yeah it will just be a lifelong battle and he’s going to be miserable. He needs to walk away from it.
I grew up with a bipolar family member. You really need couples counseling. Then decide what you want to do! They are not easy people to live with! Good luck!
My father has bipolar disorder and was diagnosed years into marriage with my mother. Yes, people with bipolar disorder are very difficult to live with and affects the whole family. My mother said if my father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before marrying, she would not have married him. I have seen how emotionally and mentally taxing on her especially when his words and actions were hurtful. Everyone has value and is worthy of love, but I know myself and I could not marry someone with this disorder.
If you’re not even married yet and forcing the pieces to fit, that’s a major sign to try again with someone else. Why purposely live in chaos? My peace is priceless
@@joyaustin6581 He said he loves her that's why you try! It's not forcing anything to get counseling. It opens your eyes to understand one another.
@@lindyloowho7 his struggle is voluntary
@@joyaustin6581 wrong
She should have a full med work up as well…vitamin D, hormones, and all the other things that can be detected in blood. It might help determine a plan
Don't marry a bipolar person in the first place. It's not worth it.
So true, it is not worth it.
RUN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RUN!
If you experience world war 1 before marriage, you will experience world war 1 and 2 combined after marriage
Bipolar sounds horrific. 😢
It is ❤
It’s only HORRIC if one does not play games with their medication schedule.
@@nancypicchi9224 not true. Meds don't work for everyone. You don't just take meds and BOOM!
I have bipolar but my husband had it made. After 12 years i learned what a narcissist was. I literally was ready all narcs tactics and what they hope to achieve. My husband checked off everybox. I finally had my eyes opened and couldn't look at him the same way.
All this guy needs to ask himself is if he can do this for another 50 yrs cos thats what hes looking at. He will need to be a whole lot of compassion and love and compromise and kindness.
Doc... Coming from a person diagnosed with Bipolar 1, rapid cycling, mixed state...w/ psychotic features for decades...Your advice is excellent and though I've had stability and an honest relationship with an amazing neuropsychiatrist for 13 years - I was textbook out of control. Medication resistant. Ended in arrest. Best thing for me. My life is not perfect but highs and lows are totally manageable. I'm starting a podcast on my TH-cam channel and I would love to interview you.
PS: I'm engaged to a wonderful man. I take charge of myself ❤
I remember being a 23 yo with a girlfriend that had some type of mental issue. Glad I got out it is draining. Now happily off the market.
If people really want to change their behavior, they can…they need to be willing to learn…Bay Area life skills changed me, with teaching classes. I spent 3 years learning…it’s a lot about traumas that people have through life, especially kids growing up with dis functional families.
My baby brother has the same issues and is an addict. Dealing with him is so exhausting. He refuses to take meds and is an addict. He is currently homeless. Our entire family have now removed ourselves from him because the episodes etc. I pray for this guy's own mental health because he's taking on a lot, love is not enough
I don’t understand why people with Bipolar don’t marry other Bipolars.
She’s not your wife. Be glad she’s just your girlfriend and move away. I’m sorry, but sometimes we have to be a little selfish.
It's not being selfish. It's called self-preservation.
Get away of problems, find another person brother.
Sir get off that roller coaster wish her well and keep it moving
Thats the best advice to give anyone who has a mental illness BRAVO!
Wow, I am so shocked and saddened by most of these comments. I would have hoped that Dr delony would have worked towards destigmatizing mental health illness. While I completely agree that you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first in the relationship and for the benefit of both of you, and I completely agree that the person with the mental illness needs to be committed to their mental health wellness plan, I don’t think that it’s the right message to be ‘run’! It’s just reinforcing this terrible message that people who suffer from chronic mental illness are to be shunned and avoided because they are a drain and will take your happiness away. People are so much more than their illness! The mental health care system is so lacking in support for both the individual and family members, there needs to be a better way to create a proper support system and care team. Again, it wouldn’t work unless you and your partner are both on the same page and your partner is taking responsibility for their illness. People with mental illness are some of the kindest and gentlest and loyal people and they have so much to offer the world and they deserve to have loving relationships.
yeah but when things don't go their way they threaten self harm. My sister is bipolar. Every romantic relationship she had went the same route. I help her the best I can but I keep a healthy distance.
@BeanMacdui thank you for your kind comment
Before I married a bipolar man, I thought that the marriage would swing back and forth between the person I had fallen in love with, a person crushed by depression, and someone who was obnoxiously hypomanic. A few weeks after the marriage, the kind person I thought he was disappeared completely and never came back. After eight years, he told me he wanted to move on, so I took the children and left.
It *is* possible that he is not just bipolar, but also a narcissist and a liar who tricked me. It could be that this disorder makes one just too ill-suited for marriage. One of the worst things about this illness is that you will never know if it's the illness or the person acting/talking. That person will make you miserable. Every time you reach out to a professional, a book, or the internet for help, those sources will shame you for not being more understanding. You'll silence yourself for fear of "triggering" an episode. In the end, that person will never appreciate you and will even come to sneer at you and disrespect you for being dumb enough to be with them.
Same thing happened to me. Right after the honeymoon. He already moved out after 2 weeks of marriage. Claims he moved out to learn how to be a good husband.
My brother has bipolar and there have been episodes of all out psychosis. My husband has alcoholism that developed almost immediately after marriage and I feel a similar way to what you described. I know he has anxiety and depression, but at times I wonder if he has bipolar too. He once yelled at me for asking him if he needed me to get him a spoon at the dinner table. The instability in the home and walking on eggshells is terrible.
Sounds like the caller may need to rethink that marriage.
Being with a man like this for 20+ yrs. It’s sooooooow hard! I didn’t have the access to internet story’s like this.
I’ve got betrayed I discovered last week.
After 20+ yrs… No clue on what to do next. He’s sorry, but that’s a part of bpd as well. Looks more like fear of abandonment to me. I’m going to work on me now, because I have no idea who I am anymore
Wow.
So who is gonna check if they take their meds?! One of my friend killed himself and not taking his meds was definitely one of the reasons. Very dangerous advice here!!!
Im literally going through the exact same thing. But her episode this time caused so much destruction. Im not sure what to do.
He's too close to the situation to see that she's ruining his life. It sounds like he's trauma-bonded and he doesn't have any other serious relationship experience to see how destructive this is and how much better it can be. It would be one thing if an illness developed after you'd taken vows, but why, why would you ever *choose* for your life to be nightmarishly difficult? You don't have to love her. You don't have to marry her. You definitely don't need to have kids with her. The highs are NOT worth the lows.
Not having watched the entire video I will just state to anyone thinking of getting married, ANY thing you don’t like about someone will be very magnified when you are married. Before you say I do to someone, you’d better like them a LOT more than you love them and be sure that you can live with any quirks that person has. If you can’t, do not get married.
Being with someone like this is exhausting. I hope he has the courage to leave her. Enabling someone isn't doing them favors. Sometimes you have to let them hit rock bottom on their own
My aunt was married to a biploar man. He was one of 8 kids, 6 had bipolar as did his mom. He was the only child who refused medications andcgocused on vitamins and physical fitness. They had 5 kids, 3 out of my 5 cousins have bipolar. The uncle was difficult but msintained a fulltime job as an electrician. As soon as the work structure was removed after retirement, OHMy. He was manic, and wild. Lawyers had my aunt divorce him to protect finances. He assaulted the female psychiatrist he was assigned to by the courts because he was hyper sexualized. So my point is that life without the meds is not good. His siblings on the treatment had calmer, successful lives.
Separate from each other until she can get stable. This is tough, my ex husband was ADHD and Bipolar. He wouldn't get counseling, but he did take his meds. Manic episodes are very scary! I got mentally sick from the drama and stress. This young man could get depressed and anxiety as a result. It resulted in him having multiple simultaneous affairs. It's not easy.
My wife goes through this, respect to this caller for admitting to some of his faults in it all. This comment is 4 mins in lol, let’s see how this goes
Men/ red pill. This never ends. Move forward without her. She has parents. I mean he stop working and still has to eat and pay rent. If your 25 how long will this go on? It’s hard to get a new job. More men find out life is better without a woman, consumer debt, credit card debt, hospital debt, (you can’t find a healthy relationship) how much does a good night sleep cost?
Bipolar depression is a lifelong condition that creates unusual mood changes that can vary in length and severity. You can go from feeling revved up and euphoric to feeling down and hopeless.
I feel so sorry for him. You can tell he loves her. Love is not enough. Don't hitch your wagon to crazy. Think about your future children and the chaos that their life would be. Get out.
Please remember this is a human being that did not ask for this mental illness. You really don’t need to call her crazy. Should he walk away, possibly. But let’s give her some kindness and respect. Thank you.
@@elizabethbayless8867 You stated that perfectly. The callousness of this comment is remarkable & one of the reasons why people with disorders sometimes choose to be a recluse than deal with ppl like this.
@@nomihagan Facts over feelings
@@elizabethbayless8867 she is also a human being that has responsiblity to take care of herself and not cause harm to people around her.
Hard as it sounds you are 100% right!! Love is not enough but this guy will only figure it out after ten- fifteen years of a pain filled marriage.
I was in Chris's shoes. My fist love had bipolar disorder. One time she picked up a big rock and threatened to throw it at me. She ended up running around with another guy and was lying a lot. She was so difficult to deal with. Chris get out, if you haven't already.
I do feel awful for people suffering from serious mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar but I can't imagine knowingly picking a partner with those diseases. Makes me wonder what goes through some of these guys'' minds who pick these types of partners.
Love.
@@foedeer FACTS 💯
Definitely love
I dated a guy with bipolar disorder, I tried learning as much as I could about it and be there for him. It became very difficult for me to pick myself up from the current mental health issues I had, while also being there for him the way he wanted and needed me to be. One key thing mentioned here was alcohol, he became a completely different person with alcohol, hurt himself, non stop crying, non stop smoking. It started to make me have this paranoia effect every time I heard a can of beer open up or the whiskey glass bottle placed on the counter because I knew he was going to start drinking and an episode was imminent.
I had to walk to walk away. It was hard for me. I cried. I worried. But I had to do it for my own good and his.
Never marry the crazy chicks, ever...
She's already dragging you down.
Oh no, have a few kids, get into massive debt, destroy your family relationships and become an alcoholic. No?
@@KidCity1985
Maybe a dash of jail time with some drama she causes and blames him for?
@@GardenerEarthGuy absolutely, I forgot about that, and maybe have CPS take the kids.
@@KidCity1985
And wonder how she managed to mortgage the paid off house and sleep with the neighbors while you were working and send you to counseling because it's all your fault.
This dude needs to run fast....
@@GardenerEarthGuy we crack me up. My son had one of those, got out in the nick of time, after mom had a talk with him. She literally went to a mental hospital a couple times.
I’m so grateful for all this comments. I hope this guy reads all of them.
Love & light to this guy, he sounds tired.
12:20
"Cause when things are bad theyre real real bad"
🎶 cause being mean to dad made him real real mad 🎶
When they get angry, there is no reason.
I have a bi polar daughter .it's tough .sh can exhaust me ...but sh getting the help sh needs ..
Bi polar people need extra love. Patience and understanding .
I truly understand what you going through .you either understand her or you leave her . Most of the time they unaware of what they do.....
Get her help ...
That's all I can say ..
Dude, run. Trust me.
He is a brave dude, but he sounds exhausted and depressed. This is tough. They are already in the sickness and in health phase before the marital vows. Plus her monthly hormones and if they want kids, it will be so much harder. I've seen this situation in a friends marriage. God bless them both with whatever they decide or happens in the future.
Yeah, I knew a woman who had bipolar and she was on her third marriage. She left her second marriage for literally no reason other than she just got bored and wanted excitement.
He's not brave. He's getting something out of this or he is mentally unwell himself. He's voluntarily putting himself through this, and so why should we feel sorry for him?
@@veracityhunter7777 fair point I agee, and you reminded me of my guy friend that married my bipolar friend, they both had issues, were needy and they felt like they saved each other.
This caller might be hanging in there because of guilt, but I don't feel sorry for him, it is his life long choice. Sounds bad, but they are only engaged, personally I would bow out while possible at least for my health, marriage is hard work as it is.
Dude, you have got to pick and choose what is worth it and what is not. Bipolar runs in my family. I have seen the effects for decades. Of the at least 7 people I know who have it, exactly ONE has taken responsibility for their condition, and really I think he jus sort of grew out of it for the most part, but he still has majorly immature behaviors. The rest self medicate, blame others and make between small and large messes in their lives regularly. You sound like a decent guy and there are many thousands of women out there who don't have this problem. It's already bad. Don't walk...RUN if she doesn't seem willing to get herself together PRONTO. Don't let her take the lead. She's either IN 100%, or you are OUT. And be DONE. It's not worth it.
It only gets worse. Much worse I’m married to a person who’s bipolar and has schizophrenia lied about the diagnosis to begin with. Now we’re married and now I have mental issues married to him. I’m depressed have anxiety etc. get out!
We’ve been here for over 20 years with a relative. We step on eggshells in every contact. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
I could never do it. My life, peace and tranquility are much more important than this chaos.
Edit to add: Delony should have encouraged him to LEAVE and not to stay. Because healthy people would have ran for the hills and know they have a better life elsewhere and not because they are @z7holes. Remember he was the one who called and not the fiancee. Deloney should have assessed if he is suffering from CPTSD and trauma bonding is happening here.
Exactly. Even marrying a healthy partner can be challenging and not necessarily worth the efforts.
Amen.
Yup
Exactly. 💯💯💯
I would never date or marry someone I need to fix.
Dating/marrying a mentally and emotionally healthy person is already hard as it is, but to choose someone who's chaotic is going to be a nightmare, it's just punishing yourself at this point.
A healthy person would not choose nor tolerate a chaotic person.
If he's tolerating her bipolar then he's not healthy himself.
When you counsel someone, you don't take sides! You give them tools to use in the relationship.
"They" didn't put her in a position to fail...she failed. She's an entire 🚩🚩. Run. This is the BEST your relationship will get. Again, run.
As someone with a disorder myself, don't get married to her. I discovered over time that I am very motivated and work hard to stay well when I am single and only have myself to rely on. When someone else comes in and tries to change or fix things (to their own ways, not thinking about what is working best for me) then everything comes apart. I have to do a lot of things in odd or unusual ways - but it works for me.
Do you want a life as a caregiver? If not, seriously consider before you go forward with this relationship.
Some loads may be too heavy to carry that it may be better to leave them. Marriage is serious responsibility and it takes two strong committed people to make it work. I am not sure if this lady will be able to take her responsibilities as a wife and a mother, so the guy will have to take the burden to take care of her, of kids if there are kids, and of everything else. I feel like he will get exhausted and bitter and hating his own life. It has been five years for them and the relationship feels so depressing, how about for the rest of their life. The lady will not change, her condition will not go away, probably she will get worse. If this guy wants to sacrifice his own life and happiness, he can stay and be her caretaker, until he totally burns out or die. As bad as it may sound, it may be better for the two to part ways now.
Some of these comments are stupid. I have bipolar and children. In so many childhood trauma and etc. I've been with my husband for 18 years, and he deals with it. I am trying my best, SORRY WE WERE BORN WITH THIS MENTAL HEALTH. BE GLAD, YOU ALL ARE NORMAL AND DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP EVERYDAY.
We are far from normal and have a plethora of issues. It's just to willingly take on more issues is the concern. We are happy your husband is there for you as you are committed. Just don't ask someone dating to commit to this. Would someone with this issue marry someone else with it?
So it's genetically transmitted and you chose to have kids ?
I studied this 20 years ago bc my bf had a dx and I wanted to know more so I could be supportive. From what I understand, everyone has the tendency toward bipolar disorder. It’s a matter of being triggered one day, traumatized, getting an illness or disease. No one on here has any business being judge mental.
They really are. I have bipolar disorder, and it's the biggest challenge in my life. It consumes a lot of my time, but I deal with it. I do what I need to do to find stability. All the meds, all the treatments, all the therapies, I've done it all. I live with my husband and two teenagers and we have a happy life. My symptoms suck, but my life doesn't suck. My husband "puts up with me" because he wants to be here. It's almost like people are more than their mental illnesses. These gloom and doom comments just further stigmatize an illness that no one chooses to have.
Don’t worry people are ignorant don’t pay them any mind
My wish is for everyone to turn to God when we struggle. Jesus restored my mental health, I was ready to go, ready to die. In one instant , surrendered to God and I've been changed ever since. I pray for everyone suffering with mental health to seek God first.❤️🙏
Amen! Thank you for sharing your story. Jesus has done the same for me after struggling for years. I can’t explain how good God is nor how amazing I feel. If you search for God with all your heart, you will find Him and He will heal you.
I think I know what happened to her, almost...
When I got out of college, I straight up attempted suicide, TWICE. For a lot of people, the transition from college to career is insane. If the emotional upswing/down swing is caused by what can is foreseeable going away, then I won't make decisions because of these episodes.
I would leave. At this point is for your future family.
She needs to take care of herself first. Too many changes going on for her, and she might be pushing him intentionally.
Run. It’s not going to get any better, I’m sorry. 😢
No, it definitely gets worse. After they promise you help and therapy, they just go back to the same cycle.
Why would you date someone with bipolar disorder? Some dudes are weird.
Because he loves her
Umm because having bipolar disorder has nothing to do with a persons value or worth. And because people with bipolar are not excluded from having a multitude of positive character traits, values, gifts, morals and love. Bipolar doesn't define a person.
Because some men are slaves to their testosterone.
She was also fine for first 4 years of their relationship...
I had a friend who married a woman who was suspected of having bipolar. She divorced husband number 2 to marry him (#3). She was cheating on him almost immediately.