How to Relieve the Stress of Caring for an Aging Parent: Amy O'Rourke at TEDxOrlando
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ต.ค. 2012
- In a world where growing older can mean entering into a complex and confusing maze of difficult choices, Amy O'Rourke stands out as a passionate advocate for the elderly and their families. As founder of Cameron Group Care Management Services, she prioritizes quality of life and helps families and elders navigate the challenges of aging while supporting vital lifestyle preferences.
I am exhausted, scared and overwhelmed taking care of my 82 year old father please pray for me.
Can relate brother, wish you all good, hope you find space for your own mind. A big hug from Portugal 🇵🇹 🙏🙏
@@tabj2615
Thank you sir 🙏
I'm so out of it I was at the market yesterday and wondered why all these flags on cars everywhere 🇵🇹
⚽️😄
@@chrislim7976 Portuguese people are a proud people my friend, we love our country as much as cats love catnip. True story lol im a stranger but if you ever need to talk brother, let me know and I'll definitely listen 👂🙏🙌
@@tabj2615 🙏
I’m in the same boat friend. 82 year old father losing physical, mental and now financial faculties. Most stressful period of my life right now
I am a single child of my parents. I woke up one morning when I was 30 only to come back from a jog to see my father passed away from a heart attack. I quit my job to move inn to be with my mother (professor of Sociology at state university) and just when I was gaining momentum in life, mother was diagnosed with polymyositis ( autoimmune disorder) & astrocytoma grade III brain tumour. My world crashed. She underwent surgery n chemotherapy and three years later she has lost all speech n the function of a right hand. Did I came close to loosing my mind? Yes. Did I at one point of time thought of just running away till I eventually drop dead? Yes. Did I thought of abandoning my mother at a care home so that I can live a "happy" life? Yes. I am guilty of thinking all of this n more. YET! I love her more than my life and I stay put right here with her. Caring for her as much as possible. I am single so it hurts often not having anyone who can hold my hand n embrace me once in a while...but knowing that my mum smiles every morning when she see's me and sometimes folds my clothes with the same love that she had when I was a kid..makes me feel very very deep down inside that... I'm doing the RIGHT thing. Thank you
God bless you abundantly. You are in my prayers.
I hug you from distance, truly hope you can find someone to give you all the love you deserve
Sending you all my love, you are what they call an Angel on earth 💖
It's good of you to do that but you need to make sure you are ok too. Caregiving is really brutal and unhealthy in the long term. I'm living it.
I have tears rolling down my face. You are incredible.
I'm 20 years old and I'm watching this video to understand how to prepare myself to care for my parents one day. I want to provide them with the best treatment possible and to always accompany them. I believe it is critical for young people to learn this. This is rarely discussed, yet it is desperately required.
Same, I'm 19 years old and planning ahead of the time when I won't panic and stress over "How to do? What to do" type of questions if my parents get really old. I'm studying, learning to do household chores well and working online so I can support and help them in every single way. :) Also practicing meditation and stuff so that I will be very slow to anger and frustration because it's really gonna be hard in the future. But it's worth every effort. May our parents live long and have a healthy, happy life with us. ❤️
I've been my mothers primary caregiver for almost 5 years now. The best advice I can give you is to learn about the services offered by your local or state department of human services (if you're in the USA) and involve them early in the process. Particularly the details related to if/when your parent can't be cared for at home any longer. It's complex and EXPENSIVE! I neglected to do this before the situation turned into a crisis and it's my biggest regret. Good luck.
Most importantly, start saving now for your retirement and accept their retirement will look the way they prepared for.
I would recommend that you start by having open conversations with them about it.
I lost my dear father at the age of 71, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at age 54, during the last years of his illness I was his primary care taker, it was stressful for the both of us, and I tried to make his last years of his life as comfortable as possible, it hurts that he is no longer with us, but at least I can say I did the best for him and I am at peace with that.
You are Indeed a super hero, That was really good of you my friend.
I’m in your same boat. Respect you. I’m trying to do the same!
Really I am going through the same phase
I am only 19 and am having to take care of my 81 year old father. Thank you for this video.
Wow im so sorry
Just listened to a lecture that gave me very little useful information. When you are in the trenches, this kind of talk is useless, and possibly damaging. I took care of my father who died of cancer in 2008. My husband helped me immensely. Then we took care of my mother in our home until her death from cancer in 2009 on my father’s birthday. By the time my mother had died, my blood pressure was 160/100, I had gained a significant amount of weight and was in very poor health both emotionally and physically. I was forced into a situation where I had to begin taking care of myself or I would drop over of a stroke. My family physician threatened to put me on blood pressure medication if I didn’t start eating healthy and exercising regularly to pull my blood pressure down. So I followed doctor’s orders and turned my health around. Then we finished that chapter of our lives where our daughter graduated from high school and left for college at a school over 1,000 miles away from our home. So we had to deal with that adjustment. Two years ago we made the decision to have my husband’s parents who are both in their mid to late 80’s live with us in our home as they were no longer safe living alone in their own home. They do not speak English, do not drive and are completely dependent on my husband and myself. So this talk about getting a 10 year break in between raising our kids and caring for our aging parents does not apply to my life and I would think many people find themselves in the same situation. The most serious problem with this talk is that this presenter never gave any practical advise as to how we as care givers can better take care of ourselves while taking care of everyone else. We already know that caring for our loved ones is a special experience that we should hold close to our hearts. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here. Perhaps as a licensed psychologist myself combined with many years of care giving for multiple elderly loved ones, I should write and present MY OWN TED TALK; one that can actually benefit the care givers. Let’s face it, that’s why most of us clicked on here in the first place.
I would love to listen to your TED talk. V powerful story.
Obviously the woman knows of the most difficult situations, and had no way to cover all that in under 15 minutes. There's a lot more on her own YT channel, I see.
I already commented above to someone else on this particular aspect of the issue, but generally I found this talk mostly useless when you are in the middle of the situation.
I thought the same thing after listening to it.
You are a blessed soul for taking care of all these people and I agree with your doctor, you do need to keep caring for yourself or you won't be able to care for anyone else soon. Everyone needs to find their own way of caring for themselves but having emotional support is key, do you have enough of that ?
I've told my kids to put me in a home if and when I'm unable to look after myself. I would never put them through the stress I'm currently going through. I didn't bring them into this world for them to put their lives on hold when I'm old. I brought them into the world to fulfil their dreams and I'm never going to stand in the way of them.
You are a lovely mother, that truly loves their children. God bless you!
Wow. I wish my mom was like that. She is taking my whole life away from me and making me feel guilty for even bringing up putting her in assisted living.
Ditto
And she put her life aside to care for you when you was a child so.. @@wordswordswords8203
@@wordswordswords8203 Same here.
My parents moved in with my wife and I when I was only 33 years old and my wife was 25. That was my dads retirement plan. I never questioned it and simply took care of them, in concert with my elder brother. They have lived continuously with us , with us being 100% responsible for everything. Food, shelter, clothing, healthcare and welfare. Over the last 28 years we have raised our families and taken care of our parents. Mom passed away from Parkinson's , at home, over 20 years ago. Dad is 92 and with Alzheimer's. We are caring for him. It is not easy. Lots of sacrifice of resources, the most important one being time. Now my mother in law who is 76 is needing help. We will see them thru as best as we can on this journey of life. Maybe in the final analysis that is all that we can say. We took care of them and did the best we could as their children.
Sy Hussaini I hope that this season of your life passes and you will have time alone with your husband to “enjoy” your life....it’s okay to miss the time you could of had. It’s even more okay to enjoy your life without the worry and stress of caring for others. Just thought u should know that.
you are a hero, sir. you don't give up or abandon anyone. inspirational.
You did a great job. I can’t take it anymore.
I loved caring for my dad & now my mom. Living together is our normal. It's what families used to do without thought of another way. Multigenerational living is making a huge rebound! As a Dementia Caregiver Coach, End of Life Doula and Alzheimer's Advocate why would I EVER teach others to care for their loved ones at home and allow a peaceful death there and not do it for my parents.
Good for you. Truly inspiring!
I'm 35, I have 2 toddlers and have a dad with dementia and a mom who is financially dependent on me. It's overwhelming.
gosh i cannot imagine.. i am single but my parents are also financially dependent on me as well....i am angry about that...and just feel really depressed....😭
Wow. That is not good. I hope you can get some help.
♥️
Old people are not all cute and wise. Caring for them can be like caring for your abuser. You force yourself due to guilt and pressure. I can't stand when people say things like " you should visit more often" I see my parents 3-4 times per week and take care of their issues ongoing daily. What more do people want? They want the ultimate sacrifice of me moving them into my home and destroying any small amount of peace I have in my life. Please never put your opinion on caregivers when you are not the one living the nightmare
GOD IS GOOD. That was two years ago. I prayed and prayed that God would somehow help us. My mom's attitude has completely changed. She went from being critical and negative to understanding and supportive! Wow! I cannot believe it myself. One thing I did is I started opening up to her and telling her how I also was not well. I dont think she really had considered how stressed I have been. I pray that God may give caregivers the strength and peace to go on caring for their loved ones and themselves .
I am getting burned out overseeing my mother’s care in asst. living with Parkinson’s disease. Already taken her to 7 doctors appt. this month, she doesn’t get around well & her room is a mess at the facility. I am EXAUSTED taking care of her laundry, getting her diapers etc. My brother won’t even drop by to see her & say “hello”, he lives in the area. My life isn’t the same, I am raising two teenage sons & married, this sucks I can tell you honestly it sucks, I cannot take her in or quit my part time job either. I HATE this!! I hope I die first before becoming a burden on my sons!!
Yep Yolanda ...taking care of 2 abusers due to a sense of duty. They dont even try to help with their grandkids
I think it depends on the person, honestly. But I do see your point.
The people giving you their opinions can always choose to go and visit or do some of what you are doing. They can help just like you can. I'm sure you have asked them by the sounds of it. If you haven't recently, ask them for help again. Since they care so much to offer their advice on what you should be doing. I find the best way to quiet the crowd is to ask them to do something.
Sometimes asking is not enough. Some people ask, even beg for help and never get any. Sometimes you just end up going crazy over it all. @@TVResults
You live in stress 24/7 when you are caring for an elderly parent - especially when they are uncooperative. I live this. I love my Mom dearly. She is dependent on my wife and I to take care of her. This has been going on for the better part of 8 years now. She does nothing to help out the situation. She’s like a petulant child who eats stuff she’s not supposed to. She constantly does things that endanger her health and safety. Of course when things go sideways, she never means anything by it, but we are left to pick up the pieces. You are constantly on guard that the next crises will hit every time you get any period of calm. My wife and I have basically had no life because we don’t dare leave for vacation. Every time we try, the next crises hits.
You speak the truth... What you are going thru is the same thing I 'am going thru ..So many people are fast to give you advice.... put they will not lift a finger to help... You don't have a life and this goes on 24/7... Know that I 'am living this life.....I think 🤔 that it's not for everyone.....
Ditto about the Vacation plans. I had to cancel many because there is always a crises with my widowed Father who's in his late 70's isn't accepting the realities of his living situation and laughs that I'm the Sole caretaker while his side of family and relatives are on the sidelines sadistically entertained by the situation. None of them (his relatives)care to ever visit my Father just keep tabs over the phone.
14:31 yes. I get this. Two hours of looking up videos and typing questions like how do I get through this and finally someone writes something I can relate to.
It's been a year since I quit my job and moved back home to care for my 79 year-old mom. I'm only 35... and I've gained more weight, I feel stuck sometimes. I feel like my life is on pause mode. I don't get to meet my friends anymore. I haven't been in a romantic relationship and cannot imagine meeting someone soon. My savings are dwindling... I wonder what will happen in the future. My siblings live in other countries and all have their own families to take care of. I love my mom, but we get into arguments sometimes. It gets really overwhelming to be alone in this journey. :(
@R I - I totally understand your situation because I live it. You feel trapped, because their caregiving needs always trump yours. Nothing satisfies my Mom right now. She’s a sweet person, but totally self centered. My wife and I are constantly on guard that the next crises is right around the corner. Our lives revolve around her care needs 24/7.
Im in the exact same boat as you. And just like you I also feel alone and trapped with no one to help take the edge off. So I totally feel ya.
Tell your siblings to take their turn. Living in another country is no excuse. You need a break. They can fly her to them to live or at the very least they can spend their vacation weeks living in your home so you can get regular breaks.
I'm also going through this experience without understanding ,lost my community life,mission but thanks be to God friends also call me
Please take advantage of what resources you can! Is she eligible for disability?
I am also living through this. I feel I am going out of my mind,stuck in this house with my 96 yr old Mom!! I retired at 62 yrs old so I could relax and travel with my partner. After 2 mos of my retirement my Mom fell and broke her hip. That's when my nightmare started. I have a sister but doesn't help with Mom cause "she's too busy" and lives far. Shes 45 min away!! My mom has dementia so she's paranoid, suspucious, cries and thinks everyone is stealing her belongings. Its been 4 yrs now, I have developed heart issues, anxiety, depression. My partner left me 2 mos ago. He was not going to put his life on hold, and I don't blame him. So now I'm here with a broken heart and dealing with my Mom. I pray that God give me patience and comfort, but I don't know how long I will be able to take this situation😪
sorry to hear that...i am single 36yo taking care of my parents.... not that i was so determined to get married but then it sucks that i now dont even have the chance... i am constantly sad, depressed and angry.....
God, pls help us all...
There need to be more options, affordable options, for families dealing with this. Given your mom’s age and condition, that would be a situation that warrants her being cared for in a nursing home.
I’m sorry sometimes when people take over our lives it’s best to let them go.
Wow that is bad. I'm in a very similar situation. If I can't get my elderly mom out of my house I think I am going to die. I have so many health problems now and I feel like I am going completely insane.
My Father's got dementia and is getting a narcissistic kick that I'm a Bachelorette at 49 w/no kids.
No words can replace your position as a caregiver of a person with a difficult personality, regardles of how you try not to take it personally.
God bless you. Not easy.
Specially the mother in laws who treated you so badly when she was the bossy person. Now in her 80s she still wants to boss you around and you have to take care of her. You remember all the mean stuff she said and did.
I'm 30 and i gave up everything to take care of my dad with ALZ and my grandparents who raised me. This started 5 years ago. Both grandparents have passed, and my dad is still hanging on but going into a facility next month. I feel like my life is nonexistent and i'm beyond lonely.
I feel for you. It is exhausting working & worrying on your own & you will need to grieve this time. I do hope you have respite & reclaim your energies for new pastures.
Hi i understand moms 83 and im caregiver!
Hi Chelle, I don’t know if you are still reading comments, but as a stranger I just wanted to send you a little light and love. 💕
I'm with you
@@robertdavidson9393 i am also my mom is 83
I've taken so much from taking care of my 70 yr old dad by myself I'm 23, it's so difficult but I still pray for my myself & everyone
Jessie dear- I will keep you in my prayers” And may God Continue to grant you the health and courage to go from your strength to Strength!.”
Can you get any help in any way with it. You're too young to be saddled with this and for how many more years? I'm a caregiver too. Yeah, we can love our parents but caregiving can still destroy your life and health. Take care. Really sit and think about what you need for you life to be ok.
@@wordswordswords8203respectfully, telling someone they’re “too young” to be going through this is very hurtful and unhelpful. They may genuinely not have any help.
My dad is 74 and still strong..
This video made me cry because now I realized why I am sometimes stressed taking care of my mom. Its because I am in denial that she is getting weak. This relieved my stress a little and helped me even understand my mother more...
♥️
Inaccurate title. She does not address how to relieve the stress facing caregivers. She gives valuable insight into what the older person is going through.
Right? I needed her to address the stress we caregivers go through.
If you are dealing with a toxic parent the best thing you can do for yourself is practice self care religiously.
its not about toxicity, its about the diseases and differnt thinking that comes with aging, like alzheimers.
Both is exhausting. However, taking care of self is important.
@@100anti Hard to do when they demand attention 24/7 and refuse to let others help.
I’m living in this space of both my parents ageing rapidly and on very poor health. I’m so alone, it’s all consuming and now I can’t sleep past 3am and have at least 3 panic attack’s a day. I’ve moved house to be nearer but my mum fights me on everything and doesn’t make it easy while my dad is losing his memory. There’s a doctor visit every week I feel with constant worry of wtf is next. My anxiety is through the roof I have even planned how to not live anymore once they are gone as I won’t be able to handle it. I cry several times a day, eat my feelings and actually pray for illness upon myself to end my misery. I’m 44 and completely alone
This is hard. You should try to relax yourself. All we can do is let it pass. Take care. Do meditation. May all beings be at peace.❤
@@ClownWorld11 thank you x
Please know you are not alone going through this. Your comment tugged at me deeply cause I do relate what you are dealing with. All we can do is one day at a time and remind ourselves, that this too, shall pass. ❤
Now this is real talk. We need more people like this in the world of caregiving.
My dad is 79 now with some health issues. Just thinking about him dying makes me feel some type of way. He's pretty grumpy, but he's my best friend. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me. Hoping for more years to come.
🤧My Father's is the same way. His personality drastically changed for the worse. Gives me cold looks. Periodically verbally spits out some really off the wall stuff. Eats and acts like a toddler with temper tantrums and stubbornness.
Going through this now, never thought it would be this emotionally challenging. Thank you for your thoughtful insights!
i'm numb inside and looking for ways to manage
going through this and what i want to do once i am 60 is tell my fam that if something happens to me do not resucitate or put me through surgery. just let me go, i dont want to be a burden.
Helping our parents certainly makes us take a look at what we want as we age. Have you done a personal health directive and/or talked with your family about what you want? So many of us delay this. (Including me.!). eek....maybe I'll get on that.
mirka narika I kinda see how you could believe that.
It would be helpful to your family to put it in writing--advance directives, living will, etc
I will be 64 in a few weeks. I am in fantastic shape. I cycle 120 plus miles every week and I do pull ups, chin ups, dips and leg raises every single day. Seems to help. Have always lived an active life. If I become ill and get into a situation where I cannot take care of myself...my wife knows what she has to do.
Thank you for this Ted Talk. I've been taking care of my elderly parents for the past 10 years along with my disabled son. It's not easy, but it is a blessing most of the time. I love them all.
My heart goes out to you. It’s tough. I’m sure they all appreciate you very much. Sending love and strength, and I hope you have some respite and time for yourself too.
Same here a none verbal 3 year old and an autistic 19 year old plus my 79 year old diabetic mother with dementia… there are days when I feel blessed then there’s days that I hate my life. I know it’s a strong word … but that’s truly how I feel at times. I love my children more than life but mother is hard to love at times. But I always think of the times I had no one else she was always there for me. That keeps me going. And I refuse to let anyone else do what I can. ❤️
Stay strong your not alone!! ❤️❤️❤️
@@perlahamilton6314 sending you a huge hug.
Caring for my 93 y.o. mother (live in) is hardest thing I've done. I am thoroughly burnt out. Don't know what the future brings but I need my life back. I'm 59
I hear you I'm going through the same situation. I'm 67 taking care of my 96 y.o. Mom. I want to enjoy my retirement and my life but I can't. You'll be in my prayers
i am 36 caring for my parents at 60s and 70s.... very unhappy right now.....😭 my parents dont let me go and meet friends for the past 3 years, because they are reallly scared that i may catch covid and pass onto them... my mid 30s gone....😭
Set boundaries and you can move out or there is placement
My mother is never going into a nursing home. I am going to take care of her in my own home.
I have cared for many elderly family members. I'm currently living with and caring for my mother in her home. Never is a long time. There are situations where caring might require a different setting. I HOPE it never comes to that.
GL with that. They get spoiled like a kid does.
Janice Bowman It’s tough overwhelming tough!
I literally train families to allow the loved ones to stay in a loving home. However, there are times when that promise isn't reasonable or the safest choice. If ever you find yourself needing to rethink your idealism please know it's the love and care you give that matters, not WHERE it takes place.
Janice Bowman
Make sure you have the financial POA the bank excepts...
Plan ahead way ahead... I'm disabled and now suddenly my father who has brain damage and angry to be alive every fee days. He is angry and depressed.. I need help and he wont pay for help... so I'm doomed medicare has fail over 160 days now no speach thearapy I did it all alone with youtube help... I'm exhausted
And now have high blood pressure... make sure you have help!
My mommy is sick. She's still so young she's 57 now but has a body of a much older person. I'm afraid to visit her because I can't face the way she looks now. 😥 this has made me realize that she is still my mother and she's probably scared and lonely and she misses me as much as I miss her. So I'll go visit I'll try my best to love her and take care of her as best I can as she is now and just remember my strong awesome mom. But I'll love the frail sick lady that has always loved me unconditionally even in her mental state and frail body. Thank you for this.
Parents 94 and 93 just moved them into a retirement home and feeling guilty. Dad with dementia and mom with head trauma from fall recently.. your TED talk helped me. Want and need more. Thank you! Jerry Nichter
Amy, you just gave me approval on how and why I am such a great caregiver to my mom. It has been ten years since my mom had a stroke. Left her left side paralyzed. I am so grateful I am in the position to help her. In return she has made me feel so good about myself. We do live in a fast paced world and she is a reminder to me that we need to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life. I believe we have more Ying and Yang in our lives because we have each other. Thanks for your video. Too many here are lost to what you are trying to say. I can tell from the comments that many in this situation are frustrated and need to vent. Not easy being a caregiver. Most challenging situation anyone can be in but can be the most rewarding too.
I’ve been taking care of my mom for 18 years. She complains about everything, never has a good day. Doesn’t matter that you try to fulfill every request. I’m tired, frustrated, my blood pressure is up. Feel like ending my own life! Just want some peace. I want to be left alone! I always thought I was strong, not now!
You are a champion as a 24/7 carer I know how hard the path you are on can be, we run faster than needed because we have to get everything done, an to out run the fire that's trying to burn us out of this battle. Keep fighting my friend you are not alone on this battle field there are many of us. God bless you 💛
My mom scares me because my brother installed one of those voice-communication systems in this new house... I would be in the kitchen trying to de-stress and she would say my name suddenly and I would jump out of my shoes. She literally takes up 1/2 to 3/4 of my day every single day. Honestly, you just gotta put your foot down and ask someone else to step in and help out.
Okalani5000 I’ve come to the place where I just give her whatever she wants and go out to the garage and work out and watch videos. You’ve got to have some space or you’ll go nuts! But yes, the demands can be overwhelming. My own mental health has improved, since I abandoned arguing over what’s good for her with her. I just give her meds to her and say , I’m going out to the garage, goodnight.
Lol you know it. @@noneyabusiness5222
Im in the similar situation with my mother and have some of the same feelings ......pls tell me some ways to cope...everything i do seems to burry my emotional state deeper in a hole
How many times have we heard that you become your parents to your parents. Powerful message that, nope, you will NOT. This was a great talk, Amy, and I learned much. I feel better, less scared. Thank you.
Patty Dixon d
I thought it was lousy advice. When your elderly parents are sitting in their home, with a busted plumbing pipe spewing water all over their carpet, while they sit at the table eating breakfast - just ignoring the living room filling up with water - it takes the kid becoming a parent to get things under control.
While speaker gives excellent points....it's still the most exhausting time of your life. The dependency, the need, the demands, etc...and my parents live in a very nice retirement facility!
They are good and loving people but the stress on my own life is taking its toll physically (emotionally and mentally came first.)
I had to start setting boundaries.
That has helped a lot.
can we talk. i need solution.
C Liberty - I am 56 and have an 87 year old mother who is slowly succumbing to dementia. I live with her and I find my life now consists of shadowing her every activity. Among other things she leaves taps on in the bathroom sometimes with the pug still in. I now have to put her medication into her mouth and spoon feed her meals. She can just about still toilet herself. But there are frequent unpleasant problems. My sister urges me to put her into a care home. I am despairing at the moment. Caring for an aged parent is challenging enough. But once they have lost their minds it becomes impossible.
C Liberty Hi, consider yourself lucky you don't have them both living with you, you are blessed, you can leave them and go home. Be grateful at least for that.
C Liberty, I did the same thing with my parents. Boundaries are everything!
Totally understand. I exercise every morning before mom wakes up. Seems to help.
I’ve been growing more aware recently of my parents growing older and it’s honestly a scary thought. My Mom is my closest friend and biggest confidante and I literally can’t imagine a time when I can’t just call her or send her a message when I’m feeling stressed or doubtful. That thought worries me so much… especially as she gets older. But I know also that all I can do is enjoy my time with her, make as many memories as possible and love her while she’s here… And regardless of what others think, I have to believe there is something for our loved ones even beyond this earth. The beauty and magnificence of life is a cycle and we’re all apart of it… thank you for reading this stranger. 💕
I feel exactly the same, recently it's all that I think of.
Thank you for this. I'm sitting here, watching & sobbing. I can't stop crying. I'm far from my mother and it's killing her, and it's killing me. I feel lost.
After being the only care takers (my husband and I) of my dad for Five years. He was in and out of hospitals, then rehabs, then back home, then it started all over again, I said to my husband if we learnt anything from being the only visitor day in and out I never want my children to feel guilty if they don’t call or visit us. My father would call all the time and say I want to go home come get me, even though I knew he couldn’t come home, because he was in icu.
I told my husband that if we end up in a place we do not like, we need to say it is a very nice place and everyone is so nice, to our children. I hope I can do that if need be, because when you are the caregiver it makes you feel so awful when they are stressed or sad. Hopefully with Gods help.🌸
My 74 year old mother moved in our home August 2016. It has been stressful for all of us. I appreciated your words. Thank You!
26 caring for my 66 year old grandfather post stroke. My heart aches to see his pain and confusion. I hope he can gain some independence back.
Hang in there. I’m 26 and trying so hard to learn to care for my 75 year old grandfather who has dementia, is blind, cancer and mobility issues. He only has 3-6 months left to live. Im 125 lbs and I cannot lift him not help him much at all if he can’t stand.. I’m focusing on what his life was and all the positive impacts he has had. It’s hard everyday. I get emotional seeing his mind go and his quality of life change. But your grandfather is so lucky to have you. This is the darker side of life. Celebrate the beautiful and I’m so sorry for your pain. I wanna say I love you but that’s weird lol it just feels so much less lonely in these comments.
It's tiring but I LOVE my mom. I feel ashamed for even saying this. 😞
@ Ms. JaCee
Yes that's where I'm at right now Tired . My mom 70 and got custody of my nephew that is 7 and he's disabled. And I'm caring for both of them the best I know how. My mom having health issues. It can be tiring 😪
@@walkandtalkwithvette I understand. I have six other siblings and they don't step up as much as I do. I pray that you have the strength to continue to be there for her. Our mom's deserves the world. Things will get better.
@@LadyLoveMsSunshine Unfortunately it's just me. My brother is somewhere in this
world living his life..... But Thanks I pray things get better for you and family. 🙏🏾
I get like that too somedays and I have only been taking care of my wonderful Mommy for 10 months!!!
Check for resources maybe respite. You are not required to care for a parent. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them because you place them in a care facility. Set boundaries. You have a right to any feeling you have. They are neither good or bad. Just feelings
Mym mom stays with me and even though I am 57 she still tries to abuse me emotionally as she did when I was a child. Of course I can fight and stand up to it now. It is tough to forgive unconditionally and hurts to love unconditionally.
I know! My mom was always controlling and perfectionist and often said cruel things when I was a child. Much of that behavior is still present (I'm 62!) Now I have to constantly remind myself that she is sick (dementia) and I need to be understanding. It is really , really difficult. Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
You deserve better than that. Try to start finding an alternate place for her to live. YOU deserve the RIGHT to have a decent life. Don't wait until you're too old to enjoy a few years of freedom from her.
7 months into caring for my elderly mother of 91. A woman who I have always love to dearly and greatly admired.
Prior to moving in with her, I prepared myself as best as I possibly could through educating myself simply by watching countless videos on caring for the elderly. Caring for an elderly parent. Etc.
The one thing I have never seen yet in any video is the reminder that people's personalities change over time. I'm 60 years old now and it has been 40 years since I've lived with my mother.
One can never know somebody until they spend extensive time with them or live with them 24/7. I think this was the most shocking aspect for me.
I try and stay very mindful. I try and put myself in her shoes. I'm very conscious of your possibilities of what she made me feeling and how she may be thinking. What is still difficult to somehow accept and absorb is these very unhealthy manipulative traits she has adopted over time. Not to mention some extremely abusive passive aggressiveness starting off with telling me to remove all of my food from the kitchen because she doesn't have enough room for her own. We're talking one specific cupboard out of 12 that canned goods are kept in.
There is no cognitive issues. She is smart as a whip which is obvious by her calculated techniques of manipulation. To describe it a little bit better you could compare to a covert narcissist minus the narcissistic rage although there are moments. I love my mother and I will adhere to my promise I made her a long time ago that I would make sure she would be able to stay in her home for the rest of her life.
Learn to "GREY ROCK" all her attempts
"Grey Rock" while *GIVING GRACE*
you got this bro👍
I hope she's doing well
With dementia it may appear the person is manipulating but their personality changes. It’s part of the disease. I would encourage you to also think about your safety and her safety. If it becomes unsafe you may need to consider placement. Have an advanced directive for medical and power of attorney for financial reasons. Self care is very important.
I have meny friends who are a delight....thank you Father for such an experience...may I continue.
For anyone needs a huge hug, and told you are an angel for doing what you're doing. You are so worthy. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there, and take care of you first. You have to. ❤️❤️🙏
My parents are in their early 90s still living in their own home. I see their frailty especially my dad and I think I go in and out of denial My partner is now disabled by a hand and foot disease that deforms the hands and feet. I do everything and I mean everything. I’m planning on asking his daughters if they will take him in to look after their dad. I know they will. I’ve just had it. I’m burned out, depressed and I’ve gained 30 lbs. so done plus we fight everyday from financial stress. I need this last part of my life to have time to look after my parents My partner has his own family / kids/ grandkids I pray for the strength to do this instead of ending up a burnt out caretaker
My mother took a leave of absence from work and my aunt moved back from Texas . They gave my grandfather loving care from 2001-2005 .
Splendid lecture! The speaker is a fantastic elder avodocate which is desperately needed in the world today. I know professionally and personally caring for the older generation. The greatest we can give ourselves and the seniors alike is acceptance. We have to accept that we can't change a senior but we can try to take the chance to change ourselves to become more patient,tolerant and forgiving. The caregivers of today will be receipent of caregivers of tomorrow. Teach the younger generation how you want to be cared for by how you care for the aged today.
Amen.
Well said!
It's her JOB.
My dad passed away in 2019. He had dementia for the last five years of his life. He lived with me and I shared caretaking with my brother, so one year with me and one year with my brother. Dad lived with us this way for over 28 years. Our wives are wonderful women, they helped out a ton as well and kept the tension and stress to a minimal simply recognizing that this is a journey and that we have to do the best we can for our parents. My brother and I both raised families and our children have all done well. The number one thing in this caretaking journey is having the heart to do the needed and secondly, almost equally important is having the resources, financial and family wise so that this doesn't become a burden on one person. We were blessed to have all in quantities greater than we could have imagined, even though as immigrants we had come into the country virtually broke, but we made it. I honestly feel that part of why I have been richly rewarded in life is that I was a good son and did the right thing for my parents. Of course it helped that they were both loving and caring, and low maintenance for the most part. I miss them both, despite the challenges I faced in care taking.
Now my wife and I are taking care of her mother who is 83 and has dementia. We are managing so far, but we aren't as young as we once were, but God willing, we will see here through to her end peacefully, and when our time comes we will go gracefully knowing we did the best we could.
Amen, wow, you understand well
I'm 33 and taking care of my mother since i was 12. My parents are not together and i've become the parent, the supporter for them at young age. They were never thankful, they still think i owe them. I am agoraphobic with panic attacks. They want me and my boyfriend to take care of my mother, to visit her regularly, to go doctor appointments, to shop for her. She wants to move in with us knowing he is the only one working. Tell me about the stress. I feel like i never had a normal life. I feel exhausted emotionally. Jealous of people at my age living their lives for themselves not for their parents
Keep faith 👍
You are not required to care for a parent. Say NO. Set boundaries. You deserve a life. Guilt will hold you down. There is such a thing called unhealthy guilt.
My dear father has recently passed into the next world after 5 months of suffering with Cancer related problems. I'm struggling to come to terms with my experience Caring for him, as I often felt that I wasn't being effective, or useful. We didn't know he had Cancer that had metastasised. We thought he was recovering. I'm so sad that this feeling caused me to avoid his company some days when I could have just been with him more often - as we didn't know he was going to pass so quickly. Your talk was received into my heart and I just love the way you shared your experience with us. Thank you for helping us younger ones learn - I hope to pass some of this on to others. May be all learn to create a society where every stage of life is loved and appreciated.
The fact that you were there and cared for him is something to be very proud of. I'm sure he was so happy that it was you who kept a watch on him and loved him and just perfectly done in his eyes. I sure hope you are healing gracefully these days. I mean that!
Take care💓
What are you supposed to do when you have no help and was forced into being a caregiver to a hostile, rude, gaslighting, aging parent? I feel trapped and like my life is over.
A person should have the right to make the conscious decision to not be a burden on their children. Some parents will not accept the role reversal that's required to successfully navigate the caregiving maze. I didn't work for 46 years to take on caring for a newborn in the form of an elder parent.
exactly
You wouldn't exist if it weren't for that said parent. There are problems with the role reversal model of what's happening. Two are rather glaring. One, you're dealing with a person who has lived independently more years than you have. (And you think you're not happy giving up your independence to care for them?! You feel life is giving you a raw deal? You still have a choice - care for them or not. They have no choice but to be dependent. Who's the one with the greater need?) Two, unlike most children, the elderly person is only going to fail more and more in health, physical ability, etc. Instead of becoming more and more independent, they increase in dependency -- plus there's no time horizon on this -- no end point in 18-20 yrs. As the speaker said, it's not a role reversal. You need another way of looking at things. Both sides need to give, not just a little, a lot. Never going to work one-sided.
perspective, thank you :)
I try to always remember, she is a person (my mom) still living her life. She is not living mine.
The bulk of my comments are under 'courtshannon' replies but here's cliffnotes: things that get me through even after 15 years of Alz & dementia parent care by myself. KEEP repeating 'it won't last forever' (constantly even), eat REALLY WELL so your body doesn't crash, tons of B-complex (and C), relish at least a few sips of your coffee/tea while it's still hot!, a few primal screams are REALLY cathartic - seriously - get stuff OUT of inside you (even writing rants down gets it out), and I'll add, do something nice for someone else no matter how tiny just to feel like you still participate in 'life' and that your whole life wasn't really taken over completely. We caregivers know each other are out there.
I move into my parents home three years ago. My dad is mentally ill and has gotten so much worse. I do all the driving now for mom. My 35 year old daughter died 3 months ago - ten days after giving birth so in addition to dad, mom and I have the baby. I'm afraid of the future. I'm alone. Not married. I'm scared but I'm here and here to stay.
You have helped so many others, like myself, who are going through similar pain by sharing your struggles. You are so brave!
This gave not even one stress reliever. Just made people feel guilty for 15 minutes. Like a lot of other comments have said, what about abusive parents?
exactly. it sucked. she is an administrator, talks and walks like one. so removed from reality.,
EXACTLY!!!! What does she know?! It's her JOB!
She was talking to massage her own ego.
After my grandfather had that stroke and heart attack, losing his ability to walk and speak again, it was his daughters , my mother and aunt who cared for him at home for years .
absolutely beautiful! God bless you for sharing your thoughts. You have made it so simple, yet tons easier for us to transition to this new way of life!
Have taken care of my dad, my husband and now my mom. Very difficult, but My Privelege!
An absolutely beautiful speach! Thank you for the compassion and understanding. Learning to connect with our parents in such a vulnerable time of life maybe the lesson of connection that we all need.
Parents need to make better choices when they are younger so they won't be a financial burden on their children when they get older.
Put money aside now for a old folks home when you are still young and working.
tom11zz884 Facility care for my mother at 64 would cost about 100k a year and there isn’t reason to think she won’t live another 20years. Even if she had put money away it wouldn’t have been enough. What we’re lacking in the US in a system that addresses the costs and problems while supporting the caregivers.
My parents did relatively well on preparing for the future but so much changes; Medicare, politics, social security, senior laws. I cashed out my retirement thinking that helping my folks was the answer. I was wrong.
jennifer bee Hey Jennifer, you're right there about a good system needed. Same needs here in UK, more should be done to make things better. I was surprised to hear Amy say on 'Less is More' TEDTalk that there's no research done on old age care. Guess it's not much of a money maker ey..
@@jenniferbee1500 Exactly! We would save so much in government money if they would pay family caregiver support to live in a multigenerational environment! Instead of $5k a month to a likely poorly run facility and then hospitalization we could care for our own loved ones in the manner THEY ask for.
I’m 31 dealing with all this. My mom is basically like a 99 year old woman. Paralyzed from stroke and can’t take care of herself and has dementia. I don’t have “ten years of freedom.” I haven’t even started my own family yet
You are strong much love looking for her. Better things happen for those who wait. Keep calm. Take care ❤
Man did I like watching that! I was caretaker for my grandfather and my mother for 14 years.
Very true! its about patience. Im 23 and my husband is 28 but we just had to take on his grandma because her children didn't help her. People just ignore her because she is taken her time. They need more focus of helping elderly then just trying to get rid of them.
Took care of mom with dementia for 6 years full time at home. This should never be a one person job,impossible. In a nursing home one CNA cares for 30 residents. We were better off when we died in our 50:s
That's so horrible I'm sorry. I agree
I'm hoping not to live past 65
My both grandparents are in their 70s and they are capable of doing Everything on their own.
My grandpa still works and owns several companies and my grandmother take care of at least 3 grandchildren at a time.
So it really depends on how long you can maintain ur self and stay healthy.
hi I’m 17 yrs old and taking care of my grandmother. My grandmother is 65 years old and had stroked. Is there a chance that she can recover from this? I’m really tired of taking care of her and saying this is making me feel effing guilty. Tbh, I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know why I’m the only one who was obliged to take care of her for the fact we have a big family. I really envy my other cousins and aunts for living their lives with no worries of their mom/grandma. I don’t know how to act anymore. I easily get irritated and there is no day that I feel very bad about myself and shameful after scolding grandmother. I love her but sometimes I just want to leave her to my aunts and move from our toxic home.
Guys please help me how to deal with this
Welcome to the club of "not my problem". I've been there and the more you read about these situations the more you see there are family members who for some reason think it's perfectly fine to leave the tough work of caring to others (and find creative excuses in the meantime that rationalize their NEGLECT). You need to stand up for yourself and do your best to make sure those who are stealing your time and peace of mind understand that you won't just quietly accept this. Not easy to do, because for those of us driven by a sense of obligation and duty we think of ourselves last. But if you burn out, then your poor grandmother will suffer just as much. Hope since you wrote this that you got more help.
@@tselinsky6452 thank you for responding ☺️ it’s been a year, and thankfully I can see my grandmother improving😊 tho there still times we disagree and I sometimes scold her but I’m happy to see her moving forward. It was a tough year, really.
@@aliyahhh2300 glad to hear your grandmother is doing better! I've got a 103 year old grandfather who I do physical therapy with every day. I didn't ask for the job, I'm not a physical therapist, but if I don't do it he may never walk again. We're making progress, though I likewise need to scold him from time to time for his own benefit. It's psychologically draining but seeing results makes it so worthwhile. Hope your family started pitching in more.
My heart aches when I see them weak, and suffering
My grandmother is 85. She is bedridden. She needs assistance for everything
All she does lay silently on the bed all the time
She talks only when some of us make time from our smartphone busy day and talk to her. And we often say 2 or 3 sentence that's it. Just ask her how is she, is she cold , is she thirsty. These are the kind of conversation we have ,if ever.
I would go nuts. If I am neglected like this 24/7.
My grandmother is so brave. She never complaints. I sometimes wish she did.
I am 28 years old and my parents are going to retire this year. My mom has been falling sick quite a few times last year and today also and we had to take her to the emergency. For high BP and for gastritis and nausea and vomiting. I am also preparing for my post graduation exam. It's a very surreal thing watching my parents get old. I want to be strong but i get very nervous and scared to the point i feel overwhelmed and feel like crying. I wish things get better!!
One of the best Ted Talks of all time. Thank you so much. Such needed support and guidance in an area of life that no one talks about, like it’s taboo. Endless thank yous.
I'm gonna rob a bank when I'm to old to care for myself.. I hear the federal prison has the better accommodation then the nursing facility
hahahahahaha thank you, i needed that!
🤣
@@KIC-7766 yall are crazy 🤣😂
And they wont take your house away your kids were going to inherit because you cant pay for the nursing home..
You are so right? Where are our values and priorities in society when we have better care for convicted criminals than our elderly parents?
All i know is that I dont know what to do.
You hit the nail in the head for me. I bursted into tears with your closing. Because I get that, this is a rear opportunity, I dont want to miss it. My mother had 5 kids, and this is all left to me. It is an honor, believe me.....
BUT....
What if you dont want it?
It is such a lifestyle change that I dont think I can accept.
I also get that it is not role reversal. I am very careful in the way I talk to my mother, my choice of words. She is still my mother, even if she needs me to monitor her.
I just dont know what to do.
Thanks for that. I'm looking forward to learning more about aging. Just turned 70. My Mom is 97.
This was a great video. My wife really is trying to be a parent to her elderly parents. Its especially hard for me, as I have extremely young parents who are at a similar stage to me in life & i also have no real right over them as a new son-in-law so i can't guide them with much. That on top of them being indian village people and I, a Westerner makes the situation more complex. The stress and effort in taking care of them is unbelievable... more than raising a baby in some ways. Regardless, this video gives me a fair bit to ponder. Thank you.
I loved this speaker. What a wonderful talk she gave. I have a lot of elderly patients in my job. I love my patients, even when they are not feeling well they always are sweet, well most of the time, but I know that they may be in pain. This lecture was not just educational, but it was certainly a feel good lecture. Thank you for presenting this.
Wow! That was powerful! I needed to hear this. Thank you. God bless you, the caregivers and all of our aging parents.
My family is beautiful . 🙏 I'm grateful .
Thank you so much... I live with my grandfather (who raised me) and his brother. I would be absolutely lost without people like this in existence.
This clarified my denial for me -- how I wish that hadn't happened. Wish I'd seen the talk sooner.
My mother lives with me. She's 62 and sort of got thrown on me to take care of.
Growing up , she was absent most of my childhood. I have a lot of resentment for that and I feel like it's unhealthy for ME to have to forfeit the dreams and goals I had planned for my life after I raised my own children ( with no help.)
Now I feel stuck carrying the burden of caring for a mother whom I never even bonded with. I wish I knew what to do. But what bothers me the most is she has such an entitled attitude about it all.
I can't just leave her though.
You shouldn't be in that position. It will destroy you. I'm going through something similar. You're way too young to be saddled with this. Can you put her in assisted living or something?
At 62 why would your mother need someone to care for her? I’m 65 and work full time plus. I try to eat healthy and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I pray I live a long healthy life but have no plans of asking my kids to care for me.
That is kind of you to do that
I am so glad I found this video. I do wish it worked out for all in the same way as she states. It doesn’t always. I was born late in life to my parents; already at a disadvantage. Therefore I wasn’t able to raise my kids to the age mentioned and definitely didn’t have 10 years in between. Before starting to care for my father.
I am studying Gerontology in my Social work programme and this helped me. Merci boucoup.
Very eye opening on how to except elderly. I am a caregiver for the elderly and it is the best job I ever had. They just want someone to listen what they have to say and I am learning something every time.
Thank you so much this really helped me get clarity.
Very nice! My mom is 94. Up until last year was more like a 78 yr old. Able to drive, walked a mile a day. But since had to give up driving due to macular degeneration. Then she moved to a very nice assisted living. But 2 weeks ago, took 2 bad falls. The 2nd fall put her in the hospital and now a nursing/rehab.
I an struggling getting her to realize she needs to do her rehab and eat so she can get strong enough to leave there. I have no doubt that she may not leave the rehab. Yet i want to be positive for her. I do not tell her how bad off she actually is. I do not know if i should be up front. Or maintain the air of "i know you can do this".
If you asked me before this, i told her she could make 120 no problem. She answers with "no, i do not want to live to even 100, why am i still here?"
Thank you so much!! I am facing this reality and I desperately needed to listen this. I didn't know how to deal with my dad's care. He is sick with POTS and needs 24/7 assistance and that led me to be bossy and missing the opportunity to enjoy and accept that this is part of life. I promise, I won't miss this rare and unique opportunity. Again, thank you♥
I’m looking out for my elderly lady next door who is an alcoholic her children have won’t see her while she’s drinking but if her friend or me didn’t go in she wouldn’t eat so until she gets professional help on Monday I’ve been feeding her, it’s too sad 😞 she is a nice lady and has the same name as my mum and would be the same age today had she lived. Im praying she will pull through but it is taking a toll on me but I can’t abandon her.
Thank you for taking care of her❤
Engaging and humorous but doesn't do what it says on the tin, i.e. suggest practical advice on how to relieve the stress of caring for an aging parent. It is a full-time, unpaid job, is absolutely draining, especially when you don't get to 'escape' to your own home and switch off. It is a problem for many live-in carers with elderly parents, and is only going to get worse as we all become older and require support.
Stay strong kitty vortex am in the same boat, when people say it's not hard it makes me mad, for only a carer knows how hard it really is. Then i explain it as best I can, I say pick up half a brick an hold it out straight, it's easy at first but keep holding it an see how you go. We never can put it down. God bless you an keep holding on💛
I find cycling helps. I call it cycle-therapy! Try it.
I'm currently taking care of my 74 yr old mum ...made a rule for myself ..get up before her have my coffee & alone time ..make breakfast for both of us ..eat wth or without her ..but it's prepared so I can just give it to her...bad mood I take shower, if nice may sit /talk.. while she gets ready 4 day ...I check calendar of appt..options of activity or needs of the day ..my cut off time for service ends after dinner / bath . ..learned to say NO just like u would a kid ...have her set up 4 night (tv/book ) ..I relax in my room Options: (draw,meditate,tv,Dvd,TH-cam comedy,or things to make me smile ,play game to conquer something (therapy)...talk to husband/friends , ) ..brush teeth/ bedtime is 10:30pm or earlier ...Learn to say NO, I'm not here to be a robot , quite time,me time , team up wth someone to physically remove myself even for 2hrs is pure bliss , cry and force myself to return , Im human so take power naps whenever possible....knowing I am not alone..others are doing this 2 ...secretly knowing this to shall pass ...just not on my terms ..
You're right, the title is misleading. She does not directly address coping skills to lessen caregiving stress. She makes some good points but doesn't address the burnout and stress caregivers face. In that respect, it was a disappointment.
Marcie Willis Awesome comment. You made me smile, Thankyou 🙂☺️🙃👍🏽🌷
Want to give her a hug! A hard topic, she covered it with class, poise, and compassion.
I have a 9 and 11yr old and a mother with ALS. I’m drowning in trying to care for everyone. I promised I wouldn’t put her in a home. I expected caring for her when she was older but not 64 and paralyzed😢
Outstandingly good talk. Thanks.
I so needed this. Thank you!
This is the price we pay for living longer, our bodies have a cut off point, but with modern medicines keeping us alive longer, our cut off points are being stretched to the limit to the point our bodies start to break down, no one wants to die, but no one wants to suffer either.
an incredible talk really I enjoyed it and like it from the bottom of my heart ! Thank you lady.
Thank you so much for your tips and advises God bless
Thank You .
Two problems we have in life: 1) We don't ask to get old, or to get sick. These things happen to us. 2) There's no such thing as 'set and forget' care. Even if you have the best caretakers, you must stay engaged and offer companionship to your loved one. The one thing most of our parents don't tell us is that when they get old, they'll need our help. Because they hope it never happens, they hope they die before it's necessary. But as long as their heart is beating, we're supposed to do for them what they did for us. And it's not supposed to be easy. Just as kids can drive you crazy, so can aging parents. Godspeed to all who do their best by their loved ones. And by all means: plan, plan, plan. Don't think long term care will somehow just take care of itself. The more you plan ahead, the easier for all involved.
God Bless You. If you only knew how I needed to hear that today! I do hate where it's going. I realize it's a part of life, but it is so hard and I so didn't think it would be this hard. Knowing that she'll be with my Dad and at peace is a blessing. Thank you for helping me understand why I feel the way I do a changes today because of you.
Amazing speech! What an eye opener !
LOVE my family . ☺😄 I have a BEAUTIFUL FAMILY .
i listen to a lot of Ted Talks & this one will be really useful in my life & it opened my heart. thank you for posting it!
I want to respond to all the people who have commented that "she obviously is an administrator". Everyone has parents. How can you so easily assert that she just goes back to her "normal" life after work. You, are not listening to what she said. We can't fix it, no matter how much we'd like to change the situation. So, in order to preserve our sanity, we must learn to except some things and try to find things that are mutually uplifting. Please, let's stop reading things into other people's comments. Don't become "toxic" to one another. Continue to try and find the help you need. There are so many good people giving very good advice. Find the ones that work for you.