Being in a relationship with someone who’s also autistic is the best thing that has happened to me. Before, relationships hurt, A LOT. Friendships too. Having to explain myself to people was awful. But I never had to explain anything to my partner. Never never. We always understood each other completely. And honestly? I’m never explaining myself ever again.
As I've got older, I've stopped toning down what I do and just keep being myself. It's by far been the most successful strategy - I piss most people off, but the few who stick around have self selected as being ok with who I am. Works for both friends and partners.
I'm an Autistic woman in my late 20s and never been in any relationship whatsoever. When I was in high school guys would ask me out as a joke. No one has ever legitimately asked me out or shown any interested in me even for friendships. Tbh at this point I know it will never happen for me so I don't even bother. I've wanted to start relationships but each time the other person would never mutually like me back.
It feels like being stabbed in the heart every time you are rejected, isn't it? I can understand at an intellectual level that someone who rejects you is not actually rejecting you, because she/he only knows an impression about you, not your whole self. But it still hurts nonetheless. I want a relationship, I have so much love to give, but women eventually find out my autistic quirks and ghost me. I know which kind of girl would like me back, shy and introverted, but usually this kind of woman doesn't go out or put herself in a situation where she can meet me, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.
Don't give up! We boys/men don't really mature until our mid-20s to begin with and those of us who are neurodiverse tend to mature a little later than that if we haven't researched our symptoms. It may take a little longer, but you will find someone.
God, the black years are hard aren’t they? It feels like the night will never end. Took me until I was 34 before I emerged from them and got into shakily into relationships, not that I can claim to be a great partner, it’s still so hard to know how to be. I only got diagnosed this year at the age of 64. Only now do I have a context for why life has been so difficult. Hold on, because the light does dawn.
You need to come across more people who would be potential partners. It's difficult in general and more difficult for autistic people but it helps if you know what you want and what you need. I wanted to make a dating website for neurodivergents but I have adhd as well so I doubt I'll ever release it
I learned I was autistic (Asperger's and ADHD) last year at age 68. It made so much sense. Since my earliest memory, I pretended to be someone else, a calm normal person I admired so I appeared acceptable to others. These people I chose to be like changed through the years. Most of all, I just wanted to be alone or with my dear mother whom I was very similar to in personality. She and I were so different than everyone else in my huge family of my many older siblings. She was never aware, but I'm sure she was autistic too. My heart goes out to her, living such a horrible life with my extremely abusive sire.
I'm getting all teary eyed. I'm the same. Just yesterday I had a moment of understanding how I've always become someone else than who I am, I've somehow known I had to. I'm 44.
The thought of anyone living out their life never aware, not in the long past like Isaac Newton but close to the time of awareness, is very angering. My dad d1969 it's in ouch shouting distance of the awareness time but still a generation distant from it. A cousin whose parents are estranged from us, I suspect from what have heard, who just lives at home unchallenging of anything, is one such now. I discovered it and got diagnosed at the noughties first surge in awareness, thanks to following the anti-school scene authoritarianschoolingcouk The missed adult undiagnosed have further increased the anger I already always had before, against the moral wrongness cynicism and total lack of evidence for, all the ideas of "letting go", anti-bitterness propaganda, one-sided forgiveness, grace, living in passive acceptance. There were always voices suggesting those sick ideas to me instead of the unconventionality of supporting a cause outside the media recognised opinion range. If I had fallen for them, if I had done those disgusting self-defeating wrongs to myself, then I would be one of the missed adult undiagnosed. I would not have come across autism as I did.
I've found that if people can't 'read you' and you're ' unpredictable' they attack you personally (sometimes physically) because they think you're playing 'mindgames' with them. It's hurtful to be so misunderstood.
Loving the "sometimes" guideline. I think maybe this helps with the tendency for black & white thinking paired with autistic honesty - it can be hard to say "I like this" without questioning myself and feeling like I'm a hypocrite if I don't ALWAYS like that thing. But it's ok to sometimes like something - and that way you can sometimes like other things too. We are allowed to be complex. We don't have to build a stereotype of ourselves. The more you get to know someone, the more you will see them in different situations and build a more complex picture of them. Allow things to align, rather than forcing them to match. I guess dating itself is providing opportunities for alignment? For those who prefer solitude, it's also totally possible to 'date yourself' - providing opportunities for self-reflection 💛 .
As a might be autistic, might not be autistic person. I think this in general is just really good advice in general. And also really good in terms of friendships as well.
I was just thinking the same thing. It actually really reinforces a recent realization, that I'm not ready for romantic relationships at the moment. I can see that by using these techniques to enlarge my very small friend group, I can practice them, see how they feel, practice being myself more, and as a bonus wind up with more friends. Later on I can decide if and when I'm ready to consider a more serious relationship.
Yes. I would appreciate the honesty. My husband masked for 2 years and unmasked after having our baby. It has been very painful for me as I feel like this was not my husband I decided to marry. Don't mask to let others like you. Finding someone who is happy with you just the way you are will avoid a lot of future conflicts.
in a lot of cases masking is not a a purely conscious decision. Everybody above a certain age/stage of development is masking. That's part of being a group animal. Masking is normal human behaviour. if your child is above 3 years, I am sure you have seen them behave different depending if they are with family, with friends or if they play alone and haven't noticed you are watching them. Performing an altered more socially compatible version when around other people is the norm for humans. telling a human not to mask is futile. masking is part of who we are autistic or not. what you can do is making it possible for the person to trust that you are safe for them to show an as close-o unaltered version of themselves as possible. and to not be lied to with the intend of manipulating/harming you. However the more different you are from the norm, the more you have to hide and mask . which is when it becomes dangerous. which is why a high level of masking it's detrimental for autistic people. But it's not always planned deceit . If you mask all the time and to a high degree, it's sometimes difficult to differentiate yourself from your mask. and saying stuff like "I loved the mask of my husband not himself" is something that can make it very difficult for people to be authentic. "the only version of me that deserves love and respect is the fake-me, the watered down version of me... not me. I don't deserve to be loved"...that's a very common thought, if the person is even aware of the amount of masking they do. Also it doesn't have to be a strongly masked version of your man that you learned to love before. maybe it was just your husband in a situation that he was better able to cope with without showing much autistic traits. change, and becoming a parent is a big change, can sometimes also mean that the person might not being able to cope with adjusting to the new situation without showing stronger traits of autism (like needing more recovery time, more obvious stimming, difficulties to function in daily life, shutdowns or meltdowns). Just like person with a broken leg or a burn-out is still the same person, just with more needs for recovery and for adapting to the situation they are in now.
@@mathilda6763 I appreciate so much for your detailed explanations. 🙏 I think that his black and white thinking is also contributing. I am no longer his priority, but the children are. He told me that I can take care of myself...reciprocal relationship is lacking, which is very hard as I feel like I am his slave. He doesn't work, clean, or wash. Only if he understood how his conditions are affecting him and his family. He basically blames me and his environment for his behaviours. He does not take any responsibility for his actions. People who are willing to get an diagnosis or acknowledge positively that their brains are nurodiverse will be saved.
Unmasking like that can be extremely painful for nt people who don't expect that kind of behavior. Nt people aren't ever masking so when it's done and then stopped it feels like lies. Like you've been tricked. Especially since they are masking unpleasant difficult behavior which is detrimental to relationships.
@amberinthemist7912 yes its horribly unpleasant when other people are disabled and we have to reevaluate whether or not we're willing to invest more energy into the relationship we've already developed to manage it. It's a fascinating perspective, I'm glad you shared and I got to read it. I hope it can bring you a sense of gratitude that you're not autistic and your sense of loss and grief about this will never be to the extent of what an autistic person experiences in this regard, that is to say having what is often a core belief about not being acceptable& lovable confirmed in particular. If this really bothers you I suggest you take part in some activism to raise awareness of autism so that more people can recognize that they are masking and "deceiving" others, and people who are neurotypical might get some compassion. Peace
I dont usually comment on TH-cam videos, but I just wanted to let you know that this video was super helpful! I love how you break things down into easily understandable points. I've often struggled with knowing what is "authentic" for me, but I'll definitely keep the "do what you sometimes do" line in mind going forward. Thanks for the great advice!
This is an excellent video! Thank you! Very helpful. As a woman I've automatically put myself aside and just made myself go along with whatever the other person wants. So in the end the relationship has never had a chance. I've also not known my real needs until now; I'm 44. I'm always been "weird"; there's never been language about why I am the way I am until now.
Similar situation and while I'm not sure, I think part of the problem is we are trying with neurotypicals, and I think meeting other autistics could level the playing field, now *how* to meet some
Meeting other autistics is certainly part of it, but both parties have to be aware of it. I've done the "both parties undiagnosed autistic" thing and when you don't have the language to discuss things and both people think both are neurotypical, things can end badly.
I know writing an essay for your online dating profile is frowned upon, but I really like seeing it because it's a stark contrast to 95% of women's dating profiles that are vague and sparse. They show a woman who knows who she is and what she wants, and often an attractive degree of enthusiasm.
Hehe, you should have seen mine, it was a whole novel and I even updated information when I found out new aspects over the years. *lmao* But seriously, I scared everyone!! off with it, but couldn´t let it go, I was so afraid I would start chatting with someone and he wouldn´t know. And you know what? Despite all of this effort there was someone who didn´t get one aspect and when he realized what it means he became angry and said, I should have made it clearer. LOOL Nope, no more online dating for me. It cost me SO much time. Found 2 boyfriends in all this time, but the relationships wouldn´t last longer than a year. I was so desperate to find someone that I didn´t notice that they didn´t care about what I like or need. I don´t now if my chances will be better there, but at least I´m planning on visiting a relatively new meeting point for gender divergent people in my town and find out if it´s okay for me to join some events they organize. This would at least reduce the need to mention very early that I´m nonbinary and mayybe increase chances to meet some openminded people. But yeah, this is all somewhat crazy anyway. 😂😂🙈🙈
Making "adjustments,"...I love this concept and the wheelchair analogy you used! My personality is so fluid... I "sometimes, " like so many different things that it does feel like I withhold so much of myself...as to not overwhelm new people. But...just holding back how interested I am in someone... comes across as me not caring or being uninterested. I'm autistic and have learned that the hardest part of dating autistic people,...in my experience, is not knowing 'who,' I am actually dating😅....when there's so much masking and unmasking... I need more of a literal explanation, or directions up front to understand,...what someone needs are, and what they need from me. Otherwise, I end up getting hurt, because it feels like I'm playing a game, but no one😢 ever explained the rules. So... I end up just taking my ball... and going home, alone.
It sounds like dating has been complicated for you too. I'm so sorry that things didn't work out for you and woman you were dating. I truly believe that there's someone for everyone, and I hope you meet your person someday.
I admire and respect you for your honesty. Years into a relationship, I feel deceived because my partner did the opposite. He “learned” what I like and tried to do those things at first. Slowly, that changed and now I am in a relationship with a completely different person.
This all makes a lot of sense for me and makes me a bit sad that I can see where I’ve always mostly gone wrong but also makes me hopeful going forward. Thank you.
Its great and helpful video. I would add one more topic to this series about relationships and dating - what is attractive to opposite gender, because we have to be somewhat attractive to even get a date. If anyone ask this question answer are often vague and not really helpful, like "be yourself", "there is for sure you soulmate somewhere ", "be nice and someone will appreciate you". Meanwhile evolutionary psychology give some specific answer. Its different for males and different for females. For example if you are a male and want to date female, its helpful to prepare if you know what females find attractive. Like psychical attractiveness - female prefer tall and athletic males. While we cant do anything about high, maybe its good idea to add some physical activates to our daily routine. Another attractive trait - is charisma and leadership, unfortunately i have no clue how to improve that, maybe some assertiveness training help with that. In general attractive are traits relate to long term safety - social position, financial security. Im also not very successful on this field, but having at least stable income is obligatory before dating. Also its wort to remember that there is no such thing as ultimate attractiveness, no one is perfect. So my advice is to focus only on what we can realistically improve. Sorry for this chaotic wall of text of bad grammar. I recommend any books of prof. David Buss an that matter.
I am autistic and I have the combined type of ADHD with PTSD, dysthymia, generalized anxiety and social anxiety. It feels good to have an accurate diagnosis so I can get the right help for the first time. I am so lucky to have an autistic partner who understands me.
I recently found out about my autism spectrum, and I decided to look more into it by watching your videos. It was the BEST decision in my life. A lot of things make sense now... You perfectly describe what's going on inside my brain, and now I see what may have been the breaking points of my unsuccessful social communications and relationships specifically. Thank you so much for breaking it down, your videos really help me to understand myself and they give incredibly constructive advice!
Thank you for this video. I was diagnosed last week age 43. I did have an incredibly understanding husband who just got me in a way that no one else ever has. I never made such a deep connection with anyone before and am scared I never will again. It’s been over three years since my husband’s death and I am thinking of dating. Your video gives me hope in a lonely world.
A very helpful video that couldn't have arrived at a more appropriate time. I have watched your videos since being diagnosed as an adult 2 years ago and they have been invaluable. Thank you for making your videos and helping people like me to find peace and community!
My son has his diagnosis at 9. We were told he was difficult to diagnose because he has learn very well to mask for his age. Looks like I have teach him to without knowing it was masking. I cried so much when I realise how much more effort I was putting in the daily living compared to other people.
Intentionally behaving in a non-threatening way will raise suspicion in women if it is obvious. Psychologically this makes a lot of sense. If you detect someone is trying to actively exude a harmless vibe as a women you begin to ask yourself what their ulterior motives are. My advice is: don‘t actively do or say anything that you think will be conceived as non threatening. Rather ask friends or family which behaviours of yours might come off as threatening, like standing too close to a women or overly dynamic gesturing, and then learn to restrain yourself from doing those behaviours. That doesn‘t not mean you will never be able to show those behaviours when the two of you continue to see each other. Just be mindful of these things until you guys know each other better 😉
Thank you for using your approach. An engineering method is so much easier to understand. I’ve made errors in each of these points so many times! It is easy to stay interested and to follow along when the teacher understands, names to issues one at a time and gives clear examples of better responses… I’d say more but, oh My Lord help me to listen on over sharing! 😊
Learning that I was on the spectrum after almost 21 years was so eye-opening for me. Makes me wish I could rewrite the outcomes of my past failed attempts at relationships. But, since I was raised by my parents as if to never show that I was autistic, I don’t think dwelling on the past will help me. Rather, taking this video’s insights and strategies may help me shape a better future for myself… one where I feel seen, one where I’m understood, one where I don’t end up severely hurting others and not immediately understanding where I made my fatal misstep. Thank you for this video. I’m more certain that I’ll now be able to push forward and optimize my perspective in a healthy way.
You say comments on here help a lot, so I'll just leave what I have the spoons to say, and will always happily say. Which is: I really value your videos. You have such wisdom. Hearing from someone who's able to share their life experiences so helpfully is 😊🤗 (great).
As a young adult I even had situations when I overshared just because (because I was in a good mood, or something made me really talkative, or I was excited about a topic), and then the other party, the person I just met, thought that I'm super into them or want to be their friend... Yeah...
My last serious relationship ended 22 years ago. I remember a few years back my father was going out the next day and lamented that he didn't have time to wash his car. I asked him if I could borrow his car, and when I did so, my mother asked, "Why do you want that car? Are you going to see your girlfriend?" I replied, "No." (I took the car to the automatic car wash and drove it through there) And that if I wanted a girlfriend, she would have to be Autistic. My mother replied, "Oh, you're fussy. Why would she have to be autistic?" I told her that it was a no-brainer. To be honest, I think that a relationship between an autistic and a non-autistic can work, but it's almost like a relationship between a Cork-born woman who arrived in Australia in 1855, who married a Chinese goldminer. One of the things that the British looked down their noses about the Chinese for was that they worked 7 days a week, whereas Protestant or Catholic, the Europeans did not work Sundays. So, the Cork-born woman would have to be a bit rebellious for the relationship to work.
This video is great 💖 thanks so much Paul for making it. Everyone autistic or not should be doing what you have stated in this video. These guidelines should be norms to follow for everyone. By the way, I also hate texting over the phone and I have not yet found someone else like me who doesn't like chatting via text messages over the phone... but I still have hopes ☀
After different experiences I had, I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who also has autism, I find that I just don't fit well with people who are not on the spectrum. I really tried. My ex has ADHD, and that worked, too. And I DO NOT like watching movies, so thank you for that example. I find them so painful to my brain. I also don't like watching TH-cam, I mostly just listen. Nor I like texting, I prefer talking with voice, on the phone, and in person, because I find texts only so hard to navigate & understand, especially if I am just getting to know someone.
Me being a man that’s romantically involved with a woman whose mind is on the spectrum I wanted to say this. In you are talking with someone in the likes of hoping to wind up in a relationship or are already in a relationship with them. Please try to keep in mind that if you need space from that person because of ASD challenges, they will want to respect you in that if they truly care about you. That being said, most people don’t like the feeling of being left on a cliffhanger so to speak. Especially if you are going through non ASD related struggles at the time. If they truly care about you and your well being, and the details what you’re going through is not clearly communicated to them, it will cause them to be really anxious during the time of “space for yourself”. So this puts them in a place where caring for you means they will have to endure suffering that could’ve been avoided by willingness to communicate the info they need to know you are ok. Please try to keep this in mind for them. If they ask questions, it’s because they need those answers to be able to do what you are asking them to do for you. If you give them to them, both people are respected and each others needs are met. Which makes success as a couple much more possible. Thankyou for your videos. They are helping me understand how to be better for her. Also, how to avoid misunderstandings/mmiscomunnications, accidentally hurting her feelings, and so many other helpful ways. Your videos are helping so much.
I thought your point about alignment was going to be about keeping your level or sharing in alignment with the other person’s. May I suggest this can be a good social guide for those worried about oversharing? -Listen carefully to the sort of detail your date is sharing with you and replying to the same sort of level can keep things balanced.
So helpful! Easy to understand and figure out how to implement in reality (you know that disconnect between conceptual comprehension and execution). Thank you!
Thank you for another brilliant video. Could you please make a video about being in a relationship and tackling relationship problems, using your own anecdotes. In this video, your personal examples helped me a lot to understand the point.
It has been interesting watching these videos even though I will never marry or have an intimate relationship as the concepts map onto forming other relationships as well.
I honestly want no part in relationships because i have been taken advantage of all my life and im sick and tired of it I enjoy spending time alone I need my own place again because i dont even like living with people Im fine on my own 👍🏽 frfr
I have adhd and I sometimes wonder if im on the spectrum or maybe just there's overlap between the two, but this video was helpful because no one explains this stuff they think you're just supposed to know. So thanks for sharing this info
How do you even find someone to go on a date with?? Dating apps are just horrible, sites are full of 'normal' people who don't get neurodivergence, noisy crowded public places are too overwhelming to navigate. How do you find that someone when other people are too traumatic to be around for any length of time?
I also think the same. I tried dating apps and they were so shallow. People look the same over and over. Women kissing dogs, holding cocktails. I felt everyone was the same. It was such waste of time and I was swiping left so badly.
I did it by going on bumble and meeting in an environment that isn’t noisy or overwhelming. Chat on the phone before committing to a date and be super patient. Finding the right person you are going to have to meet, reject and be rejected by a lot of people. It took ages and confidence in gut instinct. When u meet the right person their company will not be traumatic. I was so relieved when i met my wife. From the 1st telephone conversation was relaxed, warm and fun. I never felt that way before. At the very moment I gave up on looking for love and left bumble.
I'm not joking. Get a calm dog that weighs more than 39 pounds. If you have the money, a Golden Doodle from a responsible breeder would be a good choice.
My relationships have all been disasters. I honestly don't think I am relationship material. I'm done and I am ok with that . Luckily I don't feel loneliness.
My first two partners didn't really know who I was - I made the mistake of pretending to be normal which ended up with me being a proper cock as it all became too much. Stopped doing that a long time ago and just behaved as me - ended up with a cracking wife who loves my blunt directness and complete lack of inhibition. Took a while though - and f**ked off a LOT of people along the way...!
@@user-lx6pk9os2d Glad to hear it worked for you in the end. My past relationships ending up with a lot of hurt feelings that, in retrospect, we're mainly my fault. I didn't know I was on the spectrum and i t was a very confusing and tumultuous time. I don't want to hurt anyone else while I'm trying to find my way. Just doesn't seem to be worth it. And since I don't feel loneliness I can do that without damaging myself. Win-win for everyone.
I'm in the same boat, where I love my alone time. However, I still have urges to find a partner who knows me and only that. Which is hard when being alone feels so good. I know there's someone out there, I just don't go out of my way anymore to figure it out and if it happens, it happens, if not I'll be fine with that too.
I'm not, though sometimes I wonder if. I am attracted to some who apparently are and I appreciate learning about how the other one sees things and feels, not least so I can act appropriately, too. Thanks very much!
What Paul advocates here is well meaning but dangerous. It's a form of concealment calculated to draw nuerotypical people in so that they are invested in a relationship with you prior to learning that you are autistic. That's fine, as long as it doesn't invole actually supressing autistic traits like "over sharing" - which itself is a pejorative, subjective term / concept largely determined by the invisible unspoken social rules, personal sensitivitives, and contexts autistic people are blind to. Telling me not to overshare is like telling a blind person to move very slowly so they won't get hurt. It's better than nothing, maybe, but it's not going give them a good life. The best - and worse - outcome of Paul's strategy will be to suck a nuerotypical person unwittingly into a relationship with you. You are baiting them into investing in a relationship by concealing your identity because you are afraid they'll reject your true self. The result isn't gonna be good for anyone in the long term. Meanwhile, your not chatting up that wierd girl sitting by herself in the corner at the party looking at Disney videos. Try this instead: Ignore normal girls. They are easy to spot. They'll be the loud obnoxious ones. They run in packs. Go talk to the outsider. The girl who's alone! Tell HER everything about yourself in the first 5 minutes. Don't hold back anything. Better yet, ask her about HER interests. She'll appreciate it (if she likes you) and she'll do the same thing for you, and you'll have established a connection with someone of a similar nuerotype instead of with some clueless but conventional woman. If she shoots you down (80-99% of attempts to date a stranger will fail depending on ...) welcome to the dating world. Get over it. Move on to that other girl who's by herself looking up and memorizing postal codes or whatever. I screen for autistic partners and tolerant open minded accepting people by "oversharing" (being myself) from the start. Paul's advice here is well meaning, but it's not the answer. Trust me on that. I've been with the same woman for 12 years years now. We are both on the specturm. Niether one of held back anything when we met, and that's how we both knew the other was special. Before that I was with dozens of women. The ones I had successfull long term relationships with I now believe were ALL on the spectrum. So Be yourself - it's the oldest cliche in dating - because it's the best strategy if your're looking for love. All you want is casual sex? Well then! Concealment, superficiality, and covert manipulation and scripted rehearsed interaction is the way to go. Buy a copy of "The Game" and start your journey into that world. I don't regret anything. Just be aware that you are probably not going to end up in a healthy long term relationship with anyone you meet by concealing your autism.
As an autistic woman who overshares constantly, I think I agree. This video was helpful to me but I think I would want to be more upfront from the start. What’s the point of luring in someone that won’t appreciate me when they know a bit more?
I think I give up on the dating thing but I wish you all the best, I let too much out every time cos I’m on my own all the time. I do feel I give too much . I know my faults I always feel like people hold back and it makes me not trust them when I’m being open. I’ve paid for my funeral . I do have to get around to doing my will though 😊😂😂😂. Good luck daters lots of married autistics . So it does and can work out
You mean it's ok to hate using SMS??? 😮🤓 I'm not looking to date, but this could be a life-changer for relationships in general. I've never really known how to navigate this with people before, or found the right words to use, but realising this is an important communication preference could help a lot with boundaries and being able to find/maintain authentic connections. We shouldn't feel pressured to use a communication method that doesn't work for us, especially when there are people out there who may have similar needs & preferences.
I am another person who doesn't find texting appealing :) I don't yet know exactly how to navigate that with other people. I think it is strange that "being good at texting" is such a high-leverage issue for so many people. It is nice to know that others dislike it too!
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, nature, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead, pursue, and initiate romantic/sexual relationships. This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc. People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships. As said before, men being generally expected to pursue, take the lead, initiate and escalate, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women." i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Beautifully worded, all that beta alpha giga chad nd cuck shit is stupid and fake, but is being supplemented because there is a real issue in the autsitic community that nobody is talking about. That being said, I dont know how to get autsitic guys and some autsitic girls out there dating some more... IDK
I don't know if I want a relationship anymore, it's just for the sake of feeling validated, I think I Will just go with My life and not think about this stuff and if I get Interested in someone, maybe I can try these techniques, but at the end, I Will want My partner to know that I AM autistic, that's the truth, at the end, and well I don't go out of My house, only for university, but I don't want to try anything, I don't want to feel that this is something to get, like an urge, I want to be calm.
You know what really shitty? is if you´re trying to find a partner and you´ll have to do it online even though you hate all of this texting. For example, I´m nonbinary but there are no visible signs of that on the outside. I feel in between and the way I desire a partner is on top of that different to what you think of as regular hetero, too, so if you like double-nonbinary, and things like that are simply not something where you walk around and find the right one by chance. XD Luckily I found out that my town opened a café/social meeting thing for gender divergent folks not long ago, so since I am somewhat able to go to public places I will try that. If we can trust statistics there is even a noteable overlap between this topic and being ND, so let´s keep our fingers crossed!! 😂😂🤞🏻🤞🏻 Yeah, there is still this tiny aspect about my severe fibro and CFS which kicked me out of a normal life, but hey, who knows what will happen? At least it´s not this crappy online dating but real people, real faces
The unspoken tip: wear a conversation starter t-shirt lol. I have many questions for my date in that shirt, but they all come under the heading of, "How down, and what sickness?" 😅
Good idea is also disclose thing(s) that people make a mistake in assess/judging you. In my example people always mistake me for 16-19 yo, but I am much older.
Sometimes I get lonely and think I should date. Then I realize I only feel that way because I need financial or career support. Putting a partner anywhere on my priority list would make everything else that I care about more difficult. When I think about changing (even becoming objectively a better person) to match my partner's needs, I get angry. I've got my cats to keep me company.
"Putting a partner anywhere on my priority list would make everything else that I care about more difficult." that's exactly how I see it. I'm not saying one shouldn't consider the other person if in a relationship, but more just admitting the simple fact that if I do that everything will be more difficult for me, and I need that the other way around. I shape my life around ways that I can thrive and function at my best, because I need every advantage I can get. I'm not willing to sacrifice that, and to me no one wins from me being worse off. If there was a way to have a partner and still do 100% me and what works for me, sure then it could be possible. @@NoiseDay
@@NoiseDayYou have better self-awareness than most men; they marry first, then get angry, make miserable husbands for their soon miserable wives and never know why!! Best wishes to you 👍
Not a relationship issue, but I’ve bought my son $100’s of concert shirts. He wants them for the memories, but won’t wear them outside of the house because he doesn’t want the attention. As an autistic Dad, I understand this cause most of my t-shirts are black, but I wear a lot of “conversation starting” shirts, and I find it a lot easier to be “normal” when someone starts up a conversation cause it’s something I’m in to. Long story short, I just answered my own question while typing this. I just need to convince him that the shirt will be a commonality between him and whomever starts the conversation, and not just random attention.
I was almost started dating an autistic person, I thought she was lesbian, when it was suggested by another person, but she was pan, I didn't understand at the time what that meant so I stayed quiet after words, a few days later I looked up what it meant and I was like oh, great.
If a woman I'm talking to, doesn't know who I am and what my values are, we are both wasting our time, because sooner or later, she will find out, and that thing will most likely be the decisive aspect of the relationship. Basically, you're suggesting wearing a mask for as long as possible, to at least get a little closer to a person. While we all know that we cannot wear a mask all the time. What a waste of my time.
As an autistic man, dealing with women can be very difficult. In general, women do not appreciate the factual, rational direct conversation style of autists. If they seek a life partner, and you have a good job etc, things may go easier. But if they're dating and they're looking for an exciting guy, don't even bother. I have the looks, but I do not have the ''smooth'' talk, and that turns women off, or I piss them off by being too direct. What happens then is an endless cycle of punishment (ignoring) and trying again hoping her punishment has changed my behaviour (which ofcourse it hasn't because it is the way my brain works).
Maybe you just need to learn to be less blunt and direct then. You will have more success Dating is like a game of 4D chess and playing your cards right
@@Sunshine-rj4qe Are you saying autistic women are seeking out autistic men? because I would strongly disagree with that, having met (at least) a number of autistic girls.
@@heatherwilliams3748 Never in my life have I met a woman like that. In my experience, women don't like facts, they want to hear what suits them and most communication is indirect or non-verbal.
I just watched a video about flirting: "The point is to build the uncertainty and excitement, and draw out the tension." I thought, "It sounds easier to jam some needles under my fingernails."
I think (dread) that I might be autistic, the fact that this video is addressing more of my dating issues than nearly anything else I've seen is not helping. 😂
No way exists to find a partner wirh zero risk of ending up rejected as the seeking process's outcome. My priority is not to have the life story that I tried and failed.
Being in a relationship with someone who’s also autistic is the best thing that has happened to me. Before, relationships hurt, A LOT. Friendships too. Having to explain myself to people was awful. But I never had to explain anything to my partner. Never never. We always understood each other completely. And honestly? I’m never explaining myself ever again.
I definitely relate to that!
Lucky.
So it's possible?
@@splabbityYes . 🙂
Yes, I agree.
The comparison of masking to wearing clothes vs being naked vs wearing a costume is one of the best explanations of it I've ever heard.
As I've got older, I've stopped toning down what I do and just keep being myself. It's by far been the most successful strategy - I piss most people off, but the few who stick around have self selected as being ok with who I am. Works for both friends and partners.
Agree.
I feel like i easily piss people off
@@squidgaurd6927 It's a gift - embrace it!
@@user-lx6pk9os2d its pretty dangerous tbh
100%
My partner and I are both autistic, so we get to be our authentic selves with each other, every day.
I'm an Autistic woman in my late 20s and never been in any relationship whatsoever. When I was in high school guys would ask me out as a joke. No one has ever legitimately asked me out or shown any interested in me even for friendships. Tbh at this point I know it will never happen for me so I don't even bother. I've wanted to start relationships but each time the other person would never mutually like me back.
I believe it's possible. Just gotta keep an open mindset and continue to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually towards your end goals
It feels like being stabbed in the heart every time you are rejected, isn't it? I can understand at an intellectual level that someone who rejects you is not actually rejecting you, because she/he only knows an impression about you, not your whole self. But it still hurts nonetheless. I want a relationship, I have so much love to give, but women eventually find out my autistic quirks and ghost me. I know which kind of girl would like me back, shy and introverted, but usually this kind of woman doesn't go out or put herself in a situation where she can meet me, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.
Don't give up! We boys/men don't really mature until our mid-20s to begin with and those of us who are neurodiverse tend to mature a little later than that if we haven't researched our symptoms. It may take a little longer, but you will find someone.
God, the black years are hard aren’t they? It feels like the night will never end. Took me until I was 34 before I emerged from them and got into shakily into relationships, not that I can claim to be a great partner, it’s still so hard to know how to be. I only got diagnosed this year at the age of 64. Only now do I have a context for why life has been so difficult. Hold on, because the light does dawn.
You need to come across more people who would be potential partners. It's difficult in general and more difficult for autistic people but it helps if you know what you want and what you need. I wanted to make a dating website for neurodivergents but I have adhd as well so I doubt I'll ever release it
I learned I was autistic (Asperger's and ADHD) last year at age 68. It made so much sense. Since my earliest memory, I pretended to be someone else, a calm normal person I admired so I appeared acceptable to others. These people I chose to be like changed through the years.
Most of all, I just wanted to be alone or with my dear mother whom I was very similar to in personality. She and I were so different than everyone else in my huge family of my many older siblings. She was never aware, but I'm sure she was autistic too. My heart goes out to her, living such a horrible life with my extremely abusive sire.
I'm getting all teary eyed. I'm the same. Just yesterday I had a moment of understanding how I've always become someone else than who I am, I've somehow known I had to. I'm 44.
@@pdk9903 🤗
The thought of anyone living out their life never aware, not in the long past like Isaac Newton but close to the time of awareness, is very angering. My dad d1969 it's in ouch shouting distance of the awareness time but still a generation distant from it. A cousin whose parents are estranged from us, I suspect from what have heard, who just lives at home unchallenging of anything, is one such now.
I discovered it and got diagnosed at the noughties first surge in awareness, thanks to following the anti-school scene authoritarianschoolingcouk The missed adult undiagnosed have further increased the anger I already always had before, against the moral wrongness cynicism and total lack of evidence for, all the ideas of "letting go", anti-bitterness propaganda, one-sided forgiveness, grace, living in passive acceptance. There were always voices suggesting those sick ideas to me instead of the unconventionality of supporting a cause outside the media recognised opinion range. If I had fallen for them, if I had done those disgusting self-defeating wrongs to myself, then I would be one of the missed adult undiagnosed. I would not have come across autism as I did.
Finally, decent dating advice from a man. Nothing about being manipulative or exploiting insecurities. Nothing predatory.
Asd have less filters, mindgames and bs. Thats the difference 😅
is it not soooo refreshing? jimmy on relationships is a good channel for that too. from a more mainstream ND perspective.
@@lightbeingform Thanks!
I've found that if people can't 'read you' and you're ' unpredictable' they attack you personally (sometimes physically) because they think you're playing 'mindgames' with them. It's hurtful to be so misunderstood.
Loving the "sometimes" guideline. I think maybe this helps with the tendency for black & white thinking paired with autistic honesty - it can be hard to say "I like this" without questioning myself and feeling like I'm a hypocrite if I don't ALWAYS like that thing. But it's ok to sometimes like something - and that way you can sometimes like other things too. We are allowed to be complex. We don't have to build a stereotype of ourselves. The more you get to know someone, the more you will see them in different situations and build a more complex picture of them. Allow things to align, rather than forcing them to match. I guess dating itself is providing opportunities for alignment? For those who prefer solitude, it's also totally possible to 'date yourself' - providing opportunities for self-reflection 💛 .
As a might be autistic, might not be autistic person.
I think this in general is just really good advice in general. And also really good in terms of friendships as well.
I was just thinking the same thing.
It actually really reinforces a recent realization, that I'm not ready for romantic relationships at the moment. I can see that by using these techniques to enlarge my very small friend group, I can practice them, see how they feel, practice being myself more, and as a bonus wind up with more friends. Later on I can decide if and when I'm ready to consider a more serious relationship.
Yes. I would appreciate the honesty. My husband masked for 2 years and unmasked after having our baby. It has been very painful for me as I feel like this was not my husband I decided to marry. Don't mask to let others like you. Finding someone who is happy with you just the way you are will avoid a lot of future conflicts.
in a lot of cases masking is not a a purely conscious decision.
Everybody above a certain age/stage of development is masking. That's part of being a group animal.
Masking is normal human behaviour. if your child is above 3 years, I am sure you have seen them behave different depending if they are with family, with friends or if they play alone and haven't noticed you are watching them. Performing an altered more socially compatible version when around other people is the norm for humans.
telling a human not to mask is futile. masking is part of who we are autistic or not.
what you can do is making it possible for the person to trust that you are safe for them to show an as close-o unaltered version of themselves as possible. and to not be lied to with the intend of manipulating/harming you.
However the more different you are from the norm, the more you have to hide and mask . which is when it becomes dangerous. which is why a high level of masking it's detrimental for autistic people.
But it's not always planned deceit . If you mask all the time and to a high degree, it's sometimes difficult to differentiate yourself from your mask.
and saying stuff like "I loved the mask of my husband not himself" is something that can make it very difficult for people to be authentic.
"the only version of me that deserves love and respect is the fake-me, the watered down version of me... not me. I don't deserve to be loved"...that's a very common thought, if the person is even aware of the amount of masking they do.
Also it doesn't have to be a strongly masked version of your man that you learned to love before. maybe it was just your husband in a situation that he was better able to cope with without showing much autistic traits.
change, and becoming a parent is a big change, can sometimes also mean that the person might not being able to cope with adjusting to the new situation without showing stronger traits of autism (like needing more recovery time, more obvious stimming, difficulties to function in daily life, shutdowns or meltdowns).
Just like person with a broken leg or a burn-out is still the same person, just with more needs for recovery and for adapting to the situation they are in now.
@@mathilda6763 I appreciate so much for your detailed explanations. 🙏 I think that his black and white thinking is also contributing. I am no longer his priority, but the children are. He told me that I can take care of myself...reciprocal relationship is lacking, which is very hard as I feel like I am his slave. He doesn't work, clean, or wash. Only if he understood how his conditions are affecting him and his family. He basically blames me and his environment for his behaviours. He does not take any responsibility for his actions. People who are willing to get an diagnosis or acknowledge positively that their brains are nurodiverse will be saved.
Unmasking like that can be extremely painful for nt people who don't expect that kind of behavior. Nt people aren't ever masking so when it's done and then stopped it feels like lies. Like you've been tricked. Especially since they are masking unpleasant difficult behavior which is detrimental to relationships.
Feelings don't decide the truth. Now you and him have a baby, I do believe you can be happy together
@amberinthemist7912 yes its horribly unpleasant when other people are disabled and we have to reevaluate whether or not we're willing to invest more energy into the relationship we've already developed to manage it. It's a fascinating perspective, I'm glad you shared and I got to read it. I hope it can bring you a sense of gratitude that you're not autistic and your sense of loss and grief about this will never be to the extent of what an autistic person experiences in this regard, that is to say having what is often a core belief about not being acceptable& lovable confirmed in particular. If this really bothers you I suggest you take part in some activism to raise awareness of autism so that more people can recognize that they are masking and "deceiving" others, and people who are neurotypical might get some compassion. Peace
I dont usually comment on TH-cam videos, but I just wanted to let you know that this video was super helpful! I love how you break things down into easily understandable points. I've often struggled with knowing what is "authentic" for me, but I'll definitely keep the "do what you sometimes do" line in mind going forward. Thanks for the great advice!
Hi wanna go on a date with me?
Dating another autistic person is a revelation. We just "get" each other in a way I've never experienced before. It's great.
I'm very interested in this, now how do I find other autistic people
This is an excellent video! Thank you! Very helpful. As a woman I've automatically put myself aside and just made myself go along with whatever the other person wants. So in the end the relationship has never had a chance. I've also not known my real needs until now; I'm 44. I'm always been "weird"; there's never been language about why I am the way I am until now.
Similar situation and while I'm not sure, I think part of the problem is we are trying with neurotypicals, and I think meeting other autistics could level the playing field, now *how* to meet some
Meeting other autistics is certainly part of it, but both parties have to be aware of it. I've done the "both parties undiagnosed autistic" thing and when you don't have the language to discuss things and both people think both are neurotypical, things can end badly.
I know writing an essay for your online dating profile is frowned upon, but I really like seeing it because it's a stark contrast to 95% of women's dating profiles that are vague and sparse. They show a woman who knows who she is and what she wants, and often an attractive degree of enthusiasm.
Hehe, you should have seen mine, it was a whole novel and I even updated information when I found out new aspects over the years. *lmao* But seriously, I scared everyone!! off with it, but couldn´t let it go, I was so afraid I would start chatting with someone and he wouldn´t know. And you know what? Despite all of this effort there was someone who didn´t get one aspect and when he realized what it means he became angry and said, I should have made it clearer. LOOL
Nope, no more online dating for me. It cost me SO much time. Found 2 boyfriends in all this time, but the relationships wouldn´t last longer than a year. I was so desperate to find someone that I didn´t notice that they didn´t care about what I like or need.
I don´t now if my chances will be better there, but at least I´m planning on visiting a relatively new meeting point for gender divergent people in my town and find out if it´s okay for me to join some events they organize. This would at least reduce the need to mention very early that I´m nonbinary and mayybe increase chances to meet some openminded people. But yeah, this is all somewhat crazy anyway. 😂😂🙈🙈
Making "adjustments,"...I love this concept and the wheelchair analogy you used!
My personality is so fluid... I "sometimes, " like so many different things that it does feel like I withhold so much of myself...as to not overwhelm new people.
But...just holding back how interested I am in someone... comes across as me not caring or being uninterested.
I'm autistic and have learned that the hardest part of dating autistic people,...in my experience, is not knowing 'who,' I am actually dating😅....when there's so much masking and unmasking... I need more of a literal explanation, or directions up front to understand,...what someone needs are, and what they need from me. Otherwise, I end up getting hurt, because it feels like I'm playing a game, but no one😢 ever explained the rules. So... I end up just taking my ball... and going home, alone.
It sounds like dating has been complicated for you too. I'm so sorry that things didn't work out for you and woman you were dating. I truly believe that there's someone for everyone, and I hope you meet your person someday.
I admire and respect you for your honesty. Years into a relationship, I feel deceived because my partner did the opposite. He “learned” what I like and tried to do those things at first. Slowly, that changed and now I am in a relationship with a completely different person.
This all makes a lot of sense for me and makes me a bit sad that I can see where I’ve always mostly gone wrong but also makes me hopeful going forward. Thank you.
Its great and helpful video. I would add one more topic to this series about relationships and dating - what is attractive to opposite gender, because we have to be somewhat attractive to even get a date. If anyone ask this question answer are often vague and not really helpful, like "be yourself", "there is for sure you soulmate somewhere ", "be nice and someone will appreciate you". Meanwhile evolutionary psychology give some specific answer. Its different for males and different for females. For example if you are a male and want to date female, its helpful to prepare if you know what females find attractive. Like psychical attractiveness - female prefer tall and athletic males. While we cant do anything about high, maybe its good idea to add some physical activates to our daily routine. Another attractive trait - is charisma and leadership, unfortunately i have no clue how to improve that, maybe some assertiveness training help with that. In general attractive are traits relate to long term safety - social position, financial security. Im also not very successful on this field, but having at least stable income is obligatory before dating. Also its wort to remember that there is no such thing as ultimate attractiveness, no one is perfect. So my advice is to focus only on what we can realistically improve.
Sorry for this chaotic wall of text of bad grammar. I recommend any books of prof. David Buss an that matter.
I am autistic and I have the combined type of ADHD with PTSD, dysthymia, generalized anxiety and social anxiety. It feels good to have an accurate diagnosis so I can get the right help for the first time. I am so lucky to have an autistic partner who understands me.
I recently found out about my autism spectrum, and I decided to look more into it by watching your videos. It was the BEST decision in my life. A lot of things make sense now... You perfectly describe what's going on inside my brain, and now I see what may have been the breaking points of my unsuccessful social communications and relationships specifically. Thank you so much for breaking it down, your videos really help me to understand myself and they give incredibly constructive advice!
Really useful tips, thanks. I have recently re-joined the dating market after 20 years, and I'm finding it exhausting.
Thank you for this video. I was diagnosed last week age 43. I did have an incredibly understanding husband who just got me in a way that no one else ever has. I never made such a deep connection with anyone before and am scared I never will again. It’s been over three years since my husband’s death and I am thinking of dating. Your video gives me hope in a lonely world.
A very helpful video that couldn't have arrived at a more appropriate time. I have watched your videos since being diagnosed as an adult 2 years ago and they have been invaluable. Thank you for making your videos and helping people like me to find peace and community!
Really appreciate how you are so nuanced in your videos. It really helps combat my black and white thinking.
My son has his diagnosis at 9. We were told he was difficult to diagnose because he has learn very well to mask for his age. Looks like I have teach him to without knowing it was masking. I cried so much when I realise how much more effort I was putting in the daily living compared to other people.
I really like this video. I’m 72 and I am not looking to date or find a partner. However, I would like to make some friends. Thank you.
Intentionally behaving in a non-threatening way will raise suspicion in women if it is obvious.
Psychologically this makes a lot of sense. If you detect someone is trying to actively exude a harmless vibe as a women you begin to ask yourself what their ulterior motives are.
My advice is: don‘t actively do or say anything that you think will be conceived as non threatening. Rather ask friends or family which behaviours of yours might come off as threatening, like standing too close to a women or overly dynamic gesturing, and then learn to restrain yourself from doing those behaviours.
That doesn‘t not mean you will never be able to show those behaviours when the two of you continue to see each other. Just be mindful of these things until you guys know each other better 😉
Thanks so much, these videos are so insightful! Over sharing is a big challenge for me and I like your tip of putting one foot forward.
Thank you for using your approach. An engineering method is so much easier to understand. I’ve made errors in each of these points so many times! It is easy to stay interested and to follow along when the teacher understands, names to issues one at a time and gives clear examples of better responses… I’d say more but, oh My Lord help me to listen on over sharing! 😊
Learning that I was on the spectrum after almost 21 years was so eye-opening for me. Makes me wish I could rewrite the outcomes of my past failed attempts at relationships.
But, since I was raised by my parents as if to never show that I was autistic, I don’t think dwelling on the past will help me. Rather, taking this video’s insights and strategies may help me shape a better future for myself… one where I feel seen, one where I’m understood, one where I don’t end up severely hurting others and not immediately understanding where I made my fatal misstep.
Thank you for this video. I’m more certain that I’ll now be able to push forward and optimize my perspective in a healthy way.
You say comments on here help a lot, so I'll just leave what I have the spoons to say, and will always happily say. Which is: I really value your videos. You have such wisdom. Hearing from someone who's able to share their life experiences so helpfully is 😊🤗 (great).
I love the sometimes concept. That's very helpful!
As a young adult I even had situations when I overshared just because (because I was in a good mood, or something made me really talkative, or I was excited about a topic), and then the other party, the person I just met, thought that I'm super into them or want to be their friend... Yeah...
My last serious relationship ended 22 years ago. I remember a few years back my father was going out the next day and lamented that he didn't have time to wash his car. I asked him if I could borrow his car, and when I did so, my mother asked, "Why do you want that car? Are you going to see your girlfriend?" I replied, "No." (I took the car to the automatic car wash and drove it through there) And that if I wanted a girlfriend, she would have to be Autistic. My mother replied, "Oh, you're fussy. Why would she have to be autistic?" I told her that it was a no-brainer. To be honest, I think that a relationship between an autistic and a non-autistic can work, but it's almost like a relationship between a Cork-born woman who arrived in Australia in 1855, who married a Chinese goldminer. One of the things that the British looked down their noses about the Chinese for was that they worked 7 days a week, whereas Protestant or Catholic, the Europeans did not work Sundays. So, the Cork-born woman would have to be a bit rebellious for the relationship to work.
I kinda agree and would love to, but don't know how to meet other autistics
This advice felt comforting and understanding of my needs and struggles... many valuable things I can take from this, thank you!
I'm not even interested in dating but these are good tips for friendships.
This video is great 💖 thanks so much Paul for making it. Everyone autistic or not should be doing what you have stated in this video. These guidelines should be norms to follow for everyone. By the way, I also hate texting over the phone and I have not yet found someone else like me who doesn't like chatting via text messages over the phone... but I still have hopes ☀
After different experiences I had, I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who also has autism, I find that I just don't fit well with people who are not on the spectrum. I really tried. My ex has ADHD, and that worked, too.
And I DO NOT like watching movies, so thank you for that example. I find them so painful to my brain. I also don't like watching TH-cam, I mostly just listen. Nor I like texting, I prefer talking with voice, on the phone, and in person, because I find texts only so hard to navigate & understand, especially if I am just getting to know someone.
Me being a man that’s romantically involved with a woman whose mind is on the spectrum I wanted to say this. In you are talking with someone in the likes of hoping to wind up in a relationship or are already in a relationship with them. Please try to keep in mind that if you need space from that person because of ASD challenges, they will want to respect you in that if they truly care about you. That being said, most people don’t like the feeling of being left on a cliffhanger so to speak. Especially if you are going through non ASD related struggles at the time. If they truly care about you and your well being, and the details what you’re going through is not clearly communicated to them, it will cause them to be really anxious during the time of “space for yourself”. So this puts them in a place where caring for you means they will have to endure suffering that could’ve been avoided by willingness to communicate the info they need to know you are ok. Please try to keep this in mind for them. If they ask questions, it’s because they need those answers to be able to do what you are asking them to do for you. If you give them to them, both people are respected and each others needs are met. Which makes success as a couple much more possible. Thankyou for your videos. They are helping me understand how to be better for her. Also, how to avoid misunderstandings/mmiscomunnications, accidentally hurting her feelings, and so many other helpful ways. Your videos are helping so much.
I thought your point about alignment was going to be about keeping your level or sharing in alignment with the other person’s. May I suggest this can be a good social guide for those worried about oversharing? -Listen carefully to the sort of detail your date is sharing with you and replying to the same sort of level can keep things balanced.
So helpful! Easy to understand and figure out how to implement in reality (you know that disconnect between conceptual comprehension and execution). Thank you!
Paul, you are a genius!
Very interesting! The most important thing is taking yourself and your needs seriously, and not just push through.
I don't usually find advice very helpful. This was very helpful.
Not even for dating - I'm not dating. For all relationships.
Great tips Paul. Thanks so much.
Thank you for another brilliant video. Could you please make a video about being in a relationship and tackling relationship problems, using your own anecdotes. In this video, your personal examples helped me a lot to understand the point.
It has been interesting watching these videos even though I will never marry or have an intimate relationship as the concepts map onto forming other relationships as well.
I honestly want no part in relationships because i have been taken advantage of all my life and im sick and tired of it
I enjoy spending time alone
I need my own place again because i dont even like living with people
Im fine on my own 👍🏽 frfr
I have adhd and I sometimes wonder if im on the spectrum or maybe just there's overlap between the two, but this video was helpful because no one explains this stuff they think you're just supposed to know. So thanks for sharing this info
There is definitely overlap between ADHD and ASD and some people do have both.
How do you even find someone to go on a date with?? Dating apps are just horrible, sites are full of 'normal' people who don't get neurodivergence, noisy crowded public places are too overwhelming to navigate. How do you find that someone when other people are too traumatic to be around for any length of time?
I don't have an answer, but I feel the same way
I also think the same. I tried dating apps and they were so shallow. People look the same over and over. Women kissing dogs, holding cocktails. I felt everyone was the same. It was such waste of time and I was swiping left so badly.
you gotta go out to meet people, a tip is getting drunk with a good friend or wingman helps while out on the town so you dont get overstimulated.
I did it by going on bumble and meeting in an environment that isn’t noisy or overwhelming. Chat on the phone before committing to a date and be super patient. Finding the right person you are going to have to meet, reject and be rejected by a lot of people. It took ages and confidence in gut instinct. When u meet the right person their company will not be traumatic. I was so relieved when i met my wife. From the 1st telephone conversation was relaxed, warm and fun. I never felt that way before. At the very moment I gave up on looking for love and left bumble.
@@growler5364 that is such a lovely story. When you know, you know.
i wish i knew what being loved feels like.
I'm not joking. Get a calm dog that weighs more than 39 pounds. If you have the money, a Golden Doodle from a responsible breeder would be a good choice.
My relationships have all been disasters. I honestly don't think I am relationship material. I'm done and I am ok with that . Luckily I don't feel loneliness.
My first two partners didn't really know who I was - I made the mistake of pretending to be normal which ended up with me being a proper cock as it all became too much. Stopped doing that a long time ago and just behaved as me - ended up with a cracking wife who loves my blunt directness and complete lack of inhibition. Took a while though - and f**ked off a LOT of people along the way...!
@@user-lx6pk9os2d Glad to hear it worked for you in the end. My past relationships ending up with a lot of hurt feelings that, in retrospect, we're mainly my fault. I didn't know I was on the spectrum and i t was a very confusing and tumultuous time. I don't want to hurt anyone else while I'm trying to find my way. Just doesn't seem to be worth it.
And since I don't feel loneliness I can do that without damaging myself. Win-win for everyone.
I'm in the same boat, where I love my alone time. However, I still have urges to find a partner who knows me and only that. Which is hard when being alone feels so good. I know there's someone out there, I just don't go out of my way anymore to figure it out and if it happens, it happens, if not I'll be fine with that too.
Thank you so much for this video, I'm in a situation where I need this advice right now.
I'm not, though sometimes I wonder if. I am attracted to some who apparently are and I appreciate learning about how the other one sees things and feels, not least so I can act appropriately, too. Thanks very much!
What Paul advocates here is well meaning but dangerous. It's a form of concealment calculated to draw nuerotypical people in so that they are invested in a relationship with you prior to learning that you are autistic. That's fine, as long as it doesn't invole actually supressing autistic traits like "over sharing" - which itself is a pejorative, subjective term / concept largely determined by the invisible unspoken social rules, personal sensitivitives, and contexts autistic people are blind to.
Telling me not to overshare is like telling a blind person to move very slowly so they won't get hurt. It's better than nothing, maybe, but it's not going give them a good life.
The best - and worse - outcome of Paul's strategy will be to suck a nuerotypical person unwittingly into a relationship with you. You are baiting them into investing in a relationship by concealing your identity because you are afraid they'll reject your true self. The result isn't gonna be good for anyone in the long term.
Meanwhile, your not chatting up that wierd girl sitting by herself in the corner at the party looking at Disney videos. Try this instead: Ignore normal girls. They are easy to spot. They'll be the loud obnoxious ones. They run in packs. Go talk to the outsider. The girl who's alone! Tell HER everything about yourself in the first 5 minutes. Don't hold back anything. Better yet, ask her about HER interests. She'll appreciate it (if she likes you) and she'll do the same thing for you, and you'll have established a connection with someone of a similar nuerotype instead of with some clueless but conventional woman. If she shoots you down (80-99% of attempts to date a stranger will fail depending on ...) welcome to the dating world. Get over it. Move on to that other girl who's by herself looking up and memorizing postal codes or whatever.
I screen for autistic partners and tolerant open minded accepting people by "oversharing" (being myself) from the start.
Paul's advice here is well meaning, but it's not the answer. Trust me on that. I've been with the same woman for 12 years years now. We are both on the specturm. Niether one of held back anything when we met, and that's how we both knew the other was special. Before that I was with dozens of women. The ones I had successfull long term relationships with I now believe were ALL on the spectrum.
So Be yourself - it's the oldest cliche in dating - because it's the best strategy if your're looking for love. All you want is casual sex? Well then! Concealment, superficiality, and covert manipulation and scripted rehearsed interaction is the way to go. Buy a copy of "The Game" and start your journey into that world. I don't regret anything. Just be aware that you are probably not going to end up in a healthy long term relationship with anyone you meet by concealing your autism.
"memorizing postal codes"
Is that what you do?
"memorizing postal codes"
Is that what you do?
As an autistic woman who overshares constantly, I think I agree. This video was helpful to me but I think I would want to be more upfront from the start. What’s the point of luring in someone that won’t appreciate me when they know a bit more?
I think I give up on the dating thing but I wish you all the best, I let too much out every time cos I’m on my own all the time. I do feel I give too much . I know my faults I always feel like people hold back and it makes me not trust them when I’m being open. I’ve paid for my funeral . I do have to get around to doing my will though 😊😂😂😂. Good luck daters lots of married autistics . So it does and can work out
You mean it's ok to hate using SMS??? 😮🤓 I'm not looking to date, but this could be a life-changer for relationships in general. I've never really known how to navigate this with people before, or found the right words to use, but realising this is an important communication preference could help a lot with boundaries and being able to find/maintain authentic connections. We shouldn't feel pressured to use a communication method that doesn't work for us, especially when there are people out there who may have similar needs & preferences.
I am another person who doesn't find texting appealing :)
I don't yet know exactly how to navigate that with other people. I think it is strange that "being good at texting" is such a high-leverage issue for so many people. It is nice to know that others dislike it too!
Thanks Paul, really helpful
this was very helpful! once again, thank you Paul
I've actually said "I might need to go outside if things get too noisy in here" when on a date in a pub at night
Very helpful. Thank you!
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, nature, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead, pursue, and initiate romantic/sexual relationships.
This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc.
People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships.
As said before, men being generally expected to pursue, take the lead, initiate and escalate, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women."
i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Beautifully worded, all that beta alpha giga chad nd cuck shit is stupid and fake, but is being supplemented because there is a real issue in the autsitic community that nobody is talking about. That being said, I dont know how to get autsitic guys and some autsitic girls out there dating some more... IDK
solved the "blackpill gender war" debate with one paragraph. Fuck the manosphere
That's very helpful thanks Paul
I appreciate this so much!!! Thank you!
I don't know if I want a relationship anymore, it's just for the sake of feeling validated, I think I Will just go with My life and not think about this stuff and if I get Interested in someone, maybe I can try these techniques, but at the end, I Will want My partner to know that I AM autistic, that's the truth, at the end, and well I don't go out of My house, only for university, but I don't want to try anything, I don't want to feel that this is something to get, like an urge, I want to be calm.
You know what really shitty? is if you´re trying to find a partner and you´ll have to do it online even though you hate all of this texting. For example, I´m nonbinary but there are no visible signs of that on the outside. I feel in between and the way I desire a partner is on top of that different to what you think of as regular hetero, too, so if you like double-nonbinary, and things like that are simply not something where you walk around and find the right one by chance. XD
Luckily I found out that my town opened a café/social meeting thing for gender divergent folks not long ago, so since I am somewhat able to go to public places I will try that. If we can trust statistics there is even a noteable overlap between this topic and being ND, so let´s keep our fingers crossed!! 😂😂🤞🏻🤞🏻
Yeah, there is still this tiny aspect about my severe fibro and CFS which kicked me out of a normal life, but hey, who knows what will happen? At least it´s not this crappy online dating but real people, real faces
How to meet other *autistics*
This is just good dating advice in general.
12:21 so good❤
The unspoken tip: wear a conversation starter t-shirt lol. I have many questions for my date in that shirt, but they all come under the heading of, "How down, and what sickness?" 😅
Good idea is also disclose thing(s) that people make a mistake in assess/judging you. In my example people always mistake me for 16-19 yo, but I am much older.
Appreciate all the strategies but all the pertinent info is on my dating profile: autistic, ADHD, polyamorous. Not gonna bury the lede on anything.
I love being single.
Spent my 20s in a relationship because I thought that's what you do. Now, I'd only date if she was super rich.
😂 man come on its about companionship
@@TechReviewTom Love 💗your reply ! Thank god men like you still exist ☀
Sometimes I get lonely and think I should date. Then I realize I only feel that way because I need financial or career support. Putting a partner anywhere on my priority list would make everything else that I care about more difficult. When I think about changing (even becoming objectively a better person) to match my partner's needs, I get angry. I've got my cats to keep me company.
"Putting a partner anywhere on my priority list would make everything else that I care about more difficult." that's exactly how I see it. I'm not saying one shouldn't consider the other person if in a relationship, but more just admitting the simple fact that if I do that everything will be more difficult for me, and I need that the other way around. I shape my life around ways that I can thrive and function at my best, because I need every advantage I can get. I'm not willing to sacrifice that, and to me no one wins from me being worse off. If there was a way to have a partner and still do 100% me and what works for me, sure then it could be possible. @@NoiseDay
@@NoiseDayYou have better self-awareness than most men; they marry first, then get angry, make miserable husbands for their soon miserable wives and never know why!! Best wishes to you 👍
I'm very happy ur back
Great video.
I like giving people a "fair warning" about that I'm a bit eccentric. It primes people for autistic behavior
Not a relationship issue, but I’ve bought my son $100’s of concert shirts. He wants them for the memories, but won’t wear them outside of the house because he doesn’t want the attention. As an autistic Dad, I understand this cause most of my t-shirts are black, but I wear a lot of “conversation starting” shirts, and I find it a lot easier to be “normal” when someone starts up a conversation cause it’s something I’m in to. Long story short, I just answered my own question while typing this. I just need to convince him that the shirt will be a commonality between him and whomever starts the conversation, and not just random attention.
The last strategy is key
Excellent advice!
What advice can you give I just went homeless I’m sleeping in a van with a broken starter and I don’t know how not to die.
"Hand someone a 400 page essay." Ha ha ha. Something I can definitely relate to! 😉
I was almost started dating an autistic person, I thought she was lesbian, when it was suggested by another person, but she was pan, I didn't understand at the time what that meant so I stayed quiet after words, a few days later I looked up what it meant and I was like oh, great.
Apart from Disturbed, does your t-shirt say anything else?
I think it may refer to the metal band
Oh yeah, he likes his metal music.
Very good content.
If a woman I'm talking to, doesn't know who I am and what my values are, we are both wasting our time, because sooner or later, she will find out, and that thing will most likely be the decisive aspect of the relationship.
Basically, you're suggesting wearing a mask for as long as possible, to at least get a little closer to a person. While we all know that we cannot wear a mask all the time.
What a waste of my time.
As an autistic man, dealing with women can be very difficult.
In general, women do not appreciate the factual, rational direct conversation style of autists.
If they seek a life partner, and you have a good job etc, things may go easier.
But if they're dating and they're looking for an exciting guy, don't even bother.
I have the looks, but I do not have the ''smooth'' talk, and that turns women off, or I piss them off by being too direct.
What happens then is an endless cycle of punishment (ignoring) and trying again hoping her punishment has changed my behaviour (which ofcourse it hasn't because it is the way my brain works).
Maybe you just need to learn to be less blunt and direct then. You will have more success
Dating is like a game of 4D chess and playing your cards right
I mean, autistic women very much exist. It’s not “autists verses women”
@@Sunshine-rj4qe Are you saying autistic women are seeking out autistic men? because I would strongly disagree with that, having met (at least) a number of autistic girls.
I appreciate factual, rational, direct conversation style. Anything less than that is just a headache, to me.
@@heatherwilliams3748 Never in my life have I met a woman like that.
In my experience, women don't like facts, they want to hear what suits them and most communication is indirect or non-verbal.
I just watched a video about flirting: "The point is to build the uncertainty and excitement, and draw out the tension." I thought, "It sounds easier to jam some needles under my fingernails."
I think (dread) that I might be autistic, the fact that this video is addressing more of my dating issues than nearly anything else I've seen is not helping. 😂
No way exists to find a partner wirh zero risk of ending up rejected as the seeking process's outcome. My priority is not to have the life story that I tried and failed.
Alright so basically the stuff I already do.
Honestly, I care little whether she is Autistic or not. Be it as it may, I do hope she likes farm life.
Autism: constant deviation from the social norm. That should be on a shirt 😂
Or use a 31 minutos T-Shirt