My self-awareness and awareness of others have become so crippling that it has taken me to a place of complete distrust for the human race. I constantly fear how I’m being perceived, which has been so scary and I feel so detached. I needed this today; thank you so much for speaking on this topic.
You are not alone, Olivia! My workplace demands what I regard as an inauthentic behavior that I find confusing from others and obsessive self-awareness. Like you said, it’s crippling and leads to fear, detachment and leaves you questioning your self-worth. We can break the cycle of rumination and self-doubt, but it may require us to change the relationships in a way that works for us.
@@seanwhaley78 Thank you so much for your comment. I completely resonate with the toxic work environments you mentioned. I’ve just come out of a 6-year digital marketing career in the corporate world, and your words really do hit home. The constant pressure to conform and lack of genuine connections has destroyed my self-worth. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone.😊 I’m desperately trying to find more supportive work settings and relationships in general moving forward.😬 Thanks again for making me feel less alone, take care of yourself.☺️
Imagine navigating 15 years (including 8 married) with a partner who sends mixed messages and both praises and rebukes your authenticity… it got to be extremely disorienting because I eventually wasn’t sure what was authentic or what was a performance tailored to keep things “normal”… I almost deleted this comment thinking it would come off as inauthentic… Two years out and the behavior is still barely conscious and it’s difficult to stay out of the self judgment loop.
@@saggygnaw Wow, that sounds rough. Questioning what was real and what was just a performance to keep things “normal” is actually pretty soul destroying. It’s incredibly tough but so brave and commendable to break out of that self-judgment loop. I’ve already found a sense of community here. All I seek for now is community and people who can relate to these depths. I hope you’re doing okay.
That line resonated for me as well. Have you looked into a razor (like Occam's) to cut through this sort of self-inhibitory awareness? Like, allowing yourself to make mistakes and leaning into being a fool under the right circumstances. It seems to me that the inhibitory instinct can be bypassed with discipline towards action without expectation of results (to separate it from perfectionism). Edit: Maybe a way of conceptualizing that sort of razor would be "letting your inner autist shine."
I believe that it is important to recognize that the darker parts of ourselves are no more authentic than the best parts. Authenticity is the expression of the fully integrated whole.
The timing of this video is uncanny: I had my first therapy appointment ever yesterday (I'm 46) & at the end of it the therapist said I'd done an amazing job being my own therapist all these years and i was very self aware...I said "yes, I am, and THAT'S THE PROBLEM". In listening to this, I've realized that my version of being my own therapist, though, is acknowledging and then chastising myself for my issues, not listening objectively as a third party would. Thank you for this... new level unlocked
Wow, how specific.. I've also been to a therapist for the first time ever, after being my own therapist ever since I've existed, and also being one for everyone around me. Weird how I too stumbled across this video, how specific internet can be.
I believe part of the root cause is that we don't realize how much of what we identify as "our authentic self" is a construct and not based on absolutes...
The more self-aware I become, the more I struggle with self-hatred. It’s a neverending cycle, and it’s affecting every aspect of my life-my work, relationships, self-trust, confidence, and competence. This negativity seems to feed on itself, creating more negative experiences. Ironically, when I was less self-aware and made a lot of reckless decisions, life felt easier. The consequences were minimal, and nothing seemed as doom-impending as how I feel now with every little thing and mistake I make. But now, as an adult, there’s this immense pressure to grow up, and it’s exhausting. I realize I don’t give myself much grace. However, something that has been helping me navigate this inner turmoil is listening to Michael Singer and podcasts like yours. I feel like I need to completely rebuild my internal world, and I am hoping this is just a temporary, painful growth. thanks for everything you do to help us all
This podcast seems to be made just for you. I hope you were able to gain some new insights and benefit from it. You appear to be rather intelligent to be aware of how being too aware has negatively impacted you. The fact that you recognized that it won’t always be like this and have hope is very promising. You don’t have to accept your limiting beliefs. You mentioned you notice you don’t give yourself much grace. In spite of feeling exhausted in trying to rid yourself of those bad feelings from over critical self discovery, maybe more time could be helpful if spent on how and why you are having a difficult time being more self compassionate. Being aware of this , knowing there are many others going through the same problem , and that you have overcome past difficulties could help with that according to Kristin Neff. 😊
Looking back in old journals, I see that I used to ruminate a lot about how I should have acted in various situations (shame). I had a lot of anxiety about how I should act in current and upcoming situations. Eventually, I found relief in just avoiding situations in general, where acting one way or another would be an issue. I can see how these were early steps down the path of my becoming a generally avoidant solitary person. If I had had been a wise counselor to myself back in those days I would have figured out a way to convey the idea that being a person is not an act. That spontaneous mistakes and slip-ups are a learning process. Essentially the problem is in how to cultivate compassion (antidote for shame) for yourself and also in being less judgemental of others -- in essence, how to connect and how to learn about other people. Thank you Forrest and Rick for helping me to put together these memories. I may be getting ready to finally put them into their proper perspective.
Wow. You said this perfectly. I had to copy your words. The judgement of others component struck chord. That means that there is a mentality that we all have to be perfect somehow. Impossible. So that then leads to shame.
Actual self-awareness isn't a hindrance in the slightest, nor does it make you feel any sort of way; you simply notice how you feel, watch it, and move on to noticing other things. There's no negative emotion that comes with it, judgment, or worry. If you're experiencing those sorts of things, then it's you being "self-conscious" or thinking about yourself a lot, perhaps constantly. It might even be neuroticism. However, that's something completely different than what we mean by "self-awareness."
Being extremely self-aware is a super power people! How amazing it is to have this power that causes growth, change, understanding, & wisdom! Think of how unstoppable you will be when you merge and manage both sides of yourself. Self-awareness & Just Being You! 5minutes of self awareness for growth and then back to being my badass self 😜🥰❤! Balance! This video has created so many questions for me to do shadowork with. I love it ❤! Thank you!!! 🙏🏽
Yes yes yes, I love that part about being more interested in the other people vs being interesting to the other people. The reason I think this works is because it is in the highest and greatest good for all to be of service to other. Simply being actively and genuinely interested in another is an act of service.
Last night I prayed over this topic; for help in my stuckness with "parts" that overwhelm me consistently and my inability to find and maintain clarity at somewhat tense moments. My ability to vacate my body is so perfect that I can have a conversation in my head, prepare fully for an event, but watch my body react and melt down anyway. This nearly full awareness is brutal and I now understand why it is so common for addicts of all types to relapse. It's a lonely state of "I am not this, and I am not that". A no man's land.
So beautifully stated. God calls us to deep knowledge but He does not desire that we drown there, yes? We are created for purpose and destiny, and though we need self reflection to gain empathy and know we need Him, this is not where we stop. We have presence and vision to enact. I need this reminder constantly. ❤
I used to think i was hyper self aware until i realized i have no idea how to identify or feel my emotions anymore, i cant identify what i do wrong or right in social situations and I had no idea why other than "depression" for my total inability to motivate myself towards positive change. I had no idea that 99% of my issues stem from complex trauma
I'm highly sensitive and very anxiety-prone. And recently I've been feeling that I'm hyper-aware of my feelings, which has been a little overwhelming.😅 Thanks a lot for your timely upload just when I need it and for everything you do. ❤️
The Observer In Buddhist thinking there is an aspect of the self called The Observer. It doesn’t really get involved in decisions or have feelings. If a child/person responds to emotional turmoil and trauma by withdrawing they may find and become too closely associated with this aspect of themselves. The observer is safe. It doesn’t shout at you or say awful things. Later in life this manifests as feelings of disassociation and detachment, as though real life were happening on the other side of a sheet of glass. The need then is to get back into meatspace, where every instinct says there is danger, insecurity and what seem, by comparison, to be strong emotions. Zen Buddhism has a lot to say to current psycho-emotional problems.
Definitely a perfectly timed and extremely helpful episode! I'm reminded of the phrase: "What other people think of me is none of my business." I've spent way too much of my life worrying about how others perceive me and trying to morph myself into what is acceptable or would be better liked. It's exhausting!😂 I find myself today at age 64, in a new relationship with a caring soul who encourages me to just be myself. I want to trust that the parts of me that were shut down and/or criticized can return with grace/acceptance. The good news is that I'm hopeful given my boyfriend's laughter when I released the goofy side recently and he lovingly referred to me as a "goofball". It felt freeing! Thank you so much for your willingness to approach subjects that help us in real, everyday ways. I love role plays AND the way the two of you interact in general.😁 My 36 year old daughter also loves your offerings and continues to gain awareness. 🙏🏻 Well done with Being Well!😉
This episode was very useful for me, as I identify as someone who can go into a "shame spiral" about something I've said or done. I experienced the role play as a tender and insightful journey, and was blown away by Rick's compassionate approach to the disowned part. Thank you!
For me, I know parts of myself so well, that when I start to share this with a therapist, I get frustrated when they start to make inferences about me based on data I provided them in the session when they don't have the whole "thesis". But it is impossible to parse everything in under an hour once per week. It makes it difficult for me to trust that the therapist knows how to help me because they jimp to ther own conclusions about what is going on. Idk if that makes sense. But that's often my frustration and what's leads me to drop a therapist after a few sessions.
Yes!! I also get triggered very easily because I grew up with cult like conditions, so when my therapist doesn't see me and that I know what's up, I don't feel safe with them
This describes my experiences with therapists exactly..they're just not seeing it or seeing it completely and therefore their advice doesn't quite match.
I've lost trust in therapists' efficacy for this reason exactly. It does feel good to speak to someone and to release the emotions, but when does the therapy start? I have so much data and can explain where my problems are, yet feel misunderstood. I also feel like there's a problem with therapists I've seen not admitting that they're not a good fit for my conditions nor referring me to a different therapist that may better meet my case needs. Do we need to become experts in psychology to be helped and advocate for ourselves during our lowest points? The system sucks tbh.
@@hrdcpy I feel the same when it comes to doctors when it comes to chronic illnesses honestly. They're good for broken bones and bacterial infections but anything more chronic and you're mostly going to have to figure it out for yourself.
I was compelled to comment on this podcast. I feel as though you were inside my head! It felt comforting to know that here are two well educated, compassionate people who are able to be vulnerable and share this with their listeners. It gives me hope. It makes me feel…understood in a way. Thank you, sincerely.
I would love to have this guy as a counselor. He gets me...or should I say my neurosis. 😂 Love their relationship. I can't imagine how awesome it would feel to have a parent/child relationship like theirs. Beautiful!
I can't tell you how much I value the content you two put out. I wish we'd all had a Rick-dad growing up, but I'm glad to be able to learn from him now--from both of you. Be well. Be blessed.
Lately, I've reached a point I am well acquainted with -- the being sick and tired of stopping myself from expressing myself creatively, politically -- you name it. You nailed it for me by describing the distinction between authentic and appropriate. I'll listen again so to absorb this better-- right now, I vote for more role play moments please. While I'm a sucker for talking ABOUT all this (as well as listening to you and Rick talk about it), your impromptu role play in today's episode went straight to my core and helped me operationalize the concept quickly. Grateful as well for your clear summaries at the conclusion of each episode. Thank you for addressing this topic today.
I can relate. I find it especially hard to feel normal and relaxed around my parents. I constantly question and analyze myself around them and thoughts like “am I supposed to be doing more in conversation or are they supposed to be doing more for me” constantly rattle in my head. I hope it gets better. I think it will
@@eli7527since you specifically mentioned doing this around your parents - you might be suffering from CPTSD and have adapted to suppress your authentic expression around your parents as a survival mechanism. I'd greatly recommend looking up Tim Fletcher here on TH-cam if it might help you at all. Good luck on your healing! :)
I’m in the same boat boat. It’s so difficult. I’ve had to take so many steps back from many ppl in my life, (including my own parents) throughout my life because the situations around ppl are so overwhelming and then I beat myself up over it afterwards. Do these feeling really ever fully go away?? I’ve been like this since teenage hood - I’m 38 now.
Would you be opposed to doing a segment on ADHD and Autism self-consciousness and social anxiety? I think many folks start out not self-conscious but are quickly "put in their place" because we're different, which can in turn force self-awareness of how "different" but not wrong we are. This would be a great complement to "too self-aware."
Or just the time spent building your mask that you use to navigate the world. That then becomes this hyper self awareness that you actually need to assess and then change and reassess when you are trying to be "normal" at work or school or with family just to get by. On one hand hey I'm level 1 autism and I have a job and late in life to college but still I am functional. On the other I know higher level 2 and 3 autistic folks that can not do these things and why the employment percentage of people with ASD is so low but my mask is exhausting and causes me a lot of personal internal pain. I have high blood pressure from the constant stress. I think it's going to kill me and sometimes I think we'll it's probably for the best lol. Like shoving my feet in shoes 3 times too small and knowing every shaky painful step is still not quite normal and not quite good enough when I play the tape back later to continue the constant building of the normal persona.
This is INSANELY helpful, I knew I needed to put it in my Watch Later playlist until I was ready for it for a reason! I was raised by people who were unable to lift up the authentic parts of me, while also labelling me an "old soul" after I was made to grow up too quickly (due to various traumas). My recent struggle after years of self reflection and discovery really has been that "hyper-awareness" aspect. I am fighting to express myself authentically while also still subconsciously taking advice from the self conscious parts of me like a little parrot on my shoulder! It's not that I made the parrot that way or that it's inherently "bad", but it only says what it has heard from those who it trusted. Re-training the parrot is a huge deal of work and active effort that makes me feel uncomfortable, but I know that in the long run it'll help me feel more in touch with my authentic self. ❤ Speaking of this authentic self expression, as someone AFAB (assigned female at birth) who is now Non Binary and on Testosterone, the fight to be seen as myself is a lot more poignant now. What are some ways to push past the compliant and pacifistic part of myself that struggles to correct misgendering and pushback from those who don't desire to understand but want "the old me" back? Thanks! 💕 Wishing anyone else on this journey so much happiness and strength! 💗
Others might not see us “authentic “ but if I see one of us walking down the street, I would find you to be the most authentic person around! Don’t let other people that are unlike us, to beat our confidence, we should be proud and confident with our self consciousness. We never see any fault in others but we see all the faults in ourselves, well, change that, turn the tables round, internally, find a fault in everyone you see in the next couple days, ( don’t make it obvious though 😅) and you’ll see how genuine your thoughts are towards others, but not so genuine towards yourself.
I've imagined it like this: Think every organ, every feeling, every thought, every hormone, has a voice. Each and every one is screaming or mumbling at the same time, and the "conscious me" is like an orchestra director, picking and choosing which instrument gets highlighted at which time, while the "subconscious me" is the one who writes the partitur. And going along that analogy, the difference between being a genius, a psichopath, a schizofrenic, a normie or neurodivergent has to do with the music and how each one chooses to play it. Thanks for the conversation!
I feel like one way it becomes detrimental for me is that it can contribute to over-doing taking responsibility when dealing with people who lack self-awareness or avoid accountability. Also, overextending compassion and empathy for someone because I can understand why they might be the way they are, contributing to porous boundaries and suffering for myself.
this speaks to the unavoidably spiritual nature of the human being. the 'self' that one is aware of in this context is not the Self of the spiritualists but is rather the "false self" or ego that one has, not what one essentially is. thus even if we 'have' a mind (instrument of mental faculty), that which observes the mind cannot be the mind itself. 'who am i'?
Your deep insights and suggestions heal and help enlighten me profoundly. Its somaticly healing. Like taking a bath in well being and light listening to Ricks voice and words. SO PROFOUND. 🙏 🌷Bless you 2
Good discussion. I'll add my two cents: He recommends taking the focus off yourself, and to be intereseted in others. But the problem is you end up in situations where you're the supportive listener ALL the time. In fact, people love you because they've never felt so seen before! So yeah of course, you're included because you give people attention and a platform to express themselves and generally hold them in positive regard (aka not being disagreeable or critical). It has the unintended side effect of creating narcissists, while you lose touch with what it feels like to express yourself and become a boundryless empath.
that’s exactly what i was thinking, the role playing was so engaging but i wanted to jump in with that exact point. it’s great at making other people feel good in an interaction and taking some pressure off yourself, but over time u can definitely fall into a whole new trap of muted self expression when u get really great at listening. maybe it’s just my age group (just graduated college), but i found that i ended up attracting people who care more about talking to themselves with an audience than having an actual conversation, and talking to them made me feel MORE isolated bc i’d be a sounding board for them and, in my mind, confirm that there wasn’t value in anything i had to say. i think the “default to listening” approach is a great stepping stone, but i wish they didn’t leave it as a eureka-type solution.
My self awareness lead to a social anxiety, my external person was always critical and watching, I had to retrain that inner voice to start being more compassionate, patient and to start saying nicer things. It's made all the difference in the world as I learnt to unify my self
The role play at the end brought me to tears. Thank you both for sharing your knowledge from so many years of experience, your wisdom, AND your curiosity. You two really do a beautiful job working together to educate the people on important topics. Thank you for brightening my day! ❤
I love and extremely appreciate everything you put out. It helps me greatly. This particular episode has a kind of vulnerability in the role play that is really sweet to witness and also, with this particular topic of “rumination” helped me a lot to ask myself the questions from a loving place…Because that’s what I get from this space. A loving, caring, and safe space. Than you both!! I would love to see more of this role play episodes. When you don’t have money for therapy it’s helpful!!
Yes! I came to this realisation and in a way is self absorbed and trying to “fix” to then get it “right” as you’re super self observant and it’s a trap. Also leads to confusion of self too
I like this episode. I had an experience once that was traumatic and no one knew about it. Wanted to play with the boys in the neighborhood and I was a young girl. But I was so much wanting to be part and belong that I allowed them to tie me to a tree as part of playing... as part of a game but then they forgot about me. It was terrifying....for me being tied up and wondering if they went home, because it was a long time that they forgot about me... so when they came to get me, I was so traumatized, shaking all over and said nothing to them and nothing to anyone. I thought, as an adult, that part of me was not socialized but very anxious to belong and wanted to play with the boys.... more than with the girls. I suspect because I was possibly over-bearing, they exploited by weakness of my desperately wanting to belong & I blamed myself fr being overanxious with no boundaries I do not think I totally resolved that. In fact, I may not trust boys (& men) anymore because of that incident.
I really enjoyed this video and the tone and topic and got some good concepts to think about as I continue to work on being more uninhibited. But as someone who is sincerely interested in others, and took the “listener” role early on as a coping strategy due to who my parents were, I can report from the trenches that this might not be a workable strategy for many people struggling with self-consciousness. Yes, it does help you take focus off yourself when you are with others. But it doesn’t solve the actual problem. Human connection, feeling connected to others, isn’t about just about showing up for them. Unfortunately as you pointed out in this video, many people don’t really listen to others at all. When you adopt the listener role as your primary strategy for connection, people consciously or unconsciously take advantage of it. You’ll find the majority of people absolutely love your sincere curiosity in them, and completely forget to show any interest in you back. You are not known, you are not seen, you are not heard. It takes a very special kind of person, maybe 1 in 10 in my experience, to actively bounce the ball back in conversation. For real nourishing connections, self-conscious people cannot just show up as listeners. We have to learn to carve out space for ourselves as well. This video is missing how to do that, and that I think is the prime issue self-conscious people face. When you build relationships on a non-reciprocal dynamic, it is very hard to retroactively make them reciprocal. When you show up as a listener, you attract people who like to talk and be listened to. You end up establishing rapport with people who dominate conversations and don’t know how to bounce the ball back. I think it’s very important for self-conscious, overly self aware people to know how to step OUT of the other-focused (sometimes even moving into “fawn” coping mechanism) roles, and show up in a way that also reasonably requests others meet our needs to be seen, heard, understood. We need to do this to find those people who are capable and interested in showing up for us as listeners as well. Maybe a future video can (or has already?) covered ways inhibited and self-conscious people can learn to take up space, especially in the face of the many non-listeners we encounter who may steam roll right over us. I know I’d love to hear your insights on this. 🙏
Sooo well said...and accurate! Thank you for expressing this reality, and for your request regarding it. I experience this reality a lot...for the same reason you expressed. I have found it eventually can wear you out...and then I can start avoiding people just to avoid the issue of getting worn out from always being the audience! Namaste!
So powerful. The role play really touched me. I felt the vulnerability of that young part that just gravitated toward the group in an open aymuthentic way. I felt the invalidating distress of rejection conveyed in the exchange. I think the role play is a really helpful model to illustrate the concepts being discussed.
I relate to this video & the self critic(decisionmaking, how i react to others), but it wasn't until you did the role play of the inner child that really hit home! Realizing that if no one(including myself) had abused or mislead & if i had been encouraged or gratified, that the inner child would be fully developed & not shamed!
This was very helpful. I would really benefit from more advice specifically on the "inner critic" and being able to challenge and dismiss anxious and intrusive thoughts. Thanks so much!!
I find what helps me when I notice that I'm being self critical, is I ask myself if I was observing someone I care about, doing whatever I'm criticising about myself, would I be criticising them for doing it. It allows a different perspective from a more compassionate lens.
I am the character in the role play you just did! I was/am?goofy, kind and friendly, a bit naive and dreamy and the older I got, the less it was accepted. I’ve actually found too, the older I have gotten and the more responsibilities I have, the less I am in touch with this quite big side of myself and I really miss her. When I was young it actually was met with annoyance, ridicule and even anger. My father had a goofy, friendly side as well but was also highly task oriented and organized. The more serious moments where you need to get things done, sport, chores, anything where you should have a more serious side come out, I struggled to “buckle down”. I am also not highly motivated, am prone to procrastination and this is something that drove my dad nuts. He did often praise my sweetness and kindness but I felt it all kind of went together and my kindness and naivety were often taken advantage of to the point I definitely struggle to trust people. I see my son is the same as I was in some ways. I’m trying so hard to nurture that side and not point it out as bad and also tell him that there are times in life that we need to be a bit more serious so that we can cooperate with others more and get some things done. He plays team sports so there is quite a lot of competition and he struggles in this area as I did. He really just wants to have fun. I also remember having so much fun with certain people who really loved these parts of me and didn’t take advantage of it. I was very lucky in my younger years to have met some really great and kind goof balls in my life. These days, not so much. I can at least bring her out with my son☺️ He gets it and I get him💕 The one thing I kinda regret about this side being in a sense pushed away, I always wonder, if it had been nurtured if I would’ve been a writer bc I had the most amazing imagination. I would also love to know where all the 40 plus year old kind, goof ball moms hang out now! Most people I come into contact with (which admittedly is not many people and I live in a small town that I am not from) seem so serious and anytime I’ve tried to let that goofy, kind side out, it’s been met with eye rolls and weird looks like the cliques would do in high school😢 I will take your advice though and have compassion for these parts of me. I am struggling to accept them but I’ll keep trying to bring them out in more laid back settings hoping to meet someone who appreciates it and also maybe get out of my head a bit but that’s been a tough one!🌸
I really appreciated the role play. A while back i realised it had devolved into this like self obsession. I began to ask do i even like the people im so concerned about them liking me.the answer is no i don't like most people very much and i don't know what to do with that because i just don't have any friends.
Self-preoccupation sucks. I’m sure this takes up a lot of my cognitive load because I’m constantly evaluating how I’m acting or speaking and going very far into censoring what I’m saying or doing in so many situations because I’m second-guessing the right thing. The role play in the middle of the video felt very relevant. Being genuinely interested in and delving deeper with others is often my goal but it is hard to express the questions or follow-ups in the moment. I do think the pressure on myself just crops up constantly trying to interrupt my focus and curiosity of others so I’m left feeling like I only was able to be surface-level and constantly feeling shame about my interactions with others
Again, more prayer last night (I never really know where it's going to lead - what topic is in my heart as opposed to in my mind), and my sense of never really being who I am moment to moment was what got me emotional. We all adjust in large and small ways according to who's in the room and what's being said, but I feel like my Self was and still most often is muzzled and tied to a chair or when I'm more conscious, screaming from another dimension it's actual desires. This role playing is helpful in that I can see what's discussed in action. Some of what Forrest "played" at the beginning could have been my experience word for word. People sense my lack of Self or ability to connect with it and immediately treat me according to their own lack of Self. People who are quite balanced and have a firm understanding of their inherent value in the world simply aren't interested in folks who do not other than to guide assist when asked. My prayers are answered if I'm fully honest and keep my ears open! I love what Rick was saying about being too focused on how we feel about interactions and instead can be interested in how others are feeling or interpreting the exchange. For years I've been working on this and sharing it in groups but that deep rooted urge to protect oneself moment to moment is hard to get a crack in. The effort is tremendous and I even have a kind of admiration or awe of it these days for how many generations of experiences it must have taken to become so extreme, never mind little me finally wanting to disengage it. This is bigger than changing one's genetic expression, I think, as I've leaned on for evidence and explanation of difficulty. It's more than just the individual in isolation as experience; it's the experience of many, since we can't exist or experience without context.
I stumbled upon this podcast and I am a big fan of you both! I love that you and your dad look so much alike! Being too self aware has bitten me in the butt a few times. I think what we are trying to achieve "Being in the Now" just like you said!!!!
As a person who embodies this all playful part in most group social interactions (unless the topic is serious) it's a part that comes from a place of I want everyone to laugh, have fun, and be included. I want to be open the silliness door that is so often closed and create a space where everyone feels safe to express their silliness too. At times I've been told to put it away by my sister who has a lot of anxiety (social and otherwise). I can definitely be defensive toward it with her, "why do you think the outside world is so critical? There's no script on how adults must behave, if we're having fun people look at that fondly rather than critically." It's helpful to get origins of the repression and how it came about it. I think I can listen to her with more compassion now and less defensive. Great roleplay. But it felt like maybe a conversation that you two might have had a conversation? Sometimes when I watch your videos I get this sense of high anxiety in the speed you talk the sound of your voice. Today while you were having this conversation I felt that lessen from you but I could totally be projecting.
It’s a really interesting concept that I think really does need addressed. A healthy amount of Narcissism (self esteem) is necessary for people to have the tenacity to think assertively about themselves. Especially in those that have been conditioned to give the self over to others, only to be let down. Time & time again. I would love if you looked into “Echoism”… and maybe review Echoism; The Silenced Response to Narcissism by Donna Savery. Excellent video
Thank you so much. I found this video so clarifying, reassuring and helpful. Very much identified with the character and the whole video felt tailor-made for me! Also gotta thank TH-cam algorithm for suggesting and seemingly perfect timing!
I believe, all it takes to get out from that toxic cycle of "too self aware" is still to get detached (outside looking in) but the "external observer" should be in the state/lens of curiosity (we can change things, we don't know what or how but we can find a way together. so it's ok not to be ok right now.) and not judgement (that's just the way we are. "stuck"). that's why there's a saying "The way we talk to children becomes their inner voice." We pick up the cues on how to look at oneself from others and that's how the external observer (inner voice) will look at oneself too.
Dear Forrest and Dr. Rick, your video made me cry…. Particularly your role-play feels like a demonstration of the mess going on in my mind that I'd love to be able to turn off. Feeling awkward and self-conscious all the time is sooo depleting and limiting.
Wow! I really relate to the role-play! I've done a lot of work dealing with this and come a long way. But this expressed perfectly what goes on internally.
The role plays were hugely valuable... the bright bubbly, funny and creative younger me also had little impulse control that I think challenged people a lot, particularly my mother. I find myself struggling with him when he appears in an adult scenario with people I can't be myself in front of, or don't feel safe doing so. I also really love Rick's observation that if you're socially anxious you can step back into a listen-mode role which is far, far less stressful. I realised as he said this, that I would add that if you find yourself struggling with a conversational partner who is trying to display their mastery of discourse... you can step **back** into the listen mode to give them the space to be themselves, regroup your sense of self, and perhaps simply allow that you will not be able to express yourself in the way you'd like with this person.
When I listen to this I am thinking of the inner critic and the healthy way you can argue with the inner critic and take up for yourself against the harsh judgments of the inner critic. Not sure if you will end up touching on this in this podcast, but in the first 15 mins, that's what I am thinking about in terms of the rumination.
This was a really great discussion of some big issues I've been having which, in my viewing experience, are often brushed aside. Nobody wants to address the fact that, yes, people do have real, legitimate reasons for wanting to suppress authentic parts of their personality that overwhelm or even harm others. Not only does your explanation address that, but you give practical advice for helping it.
Exciting title, I would love to watch this episode ❤ And, as many of listeners, if I could, I watch you because there is a lot of gems in looking when you are talking with each other.
This is my first time seeing one of your videos and I’m glad it came up in my recommended feed. Love the format with you and your dad! Very informative and helpful. Thank you!
I'm in the last part. I see my personalitys and know feel them pulling but I know theyre me. I'm lead by purpose but now I'm worried that this purpose might lead me nowhere. But I'm trying to be true to myself. Most days I regret what I did the last till the night hits and my mind shifts than we restart the day. I hear and make music to heal 🎶
Wether or not the self awareness is healthy vs unhealthy depends on the level of perspective one has. Ultimately "Self Awareness" is simply the witness to your experience. Its non bias, non judgmental, non discriminating, it simply observes our life. That level of awareness is our truth. We need not observe ourselves for some purpose. Self awareness allows us to "Be" in the here and now. The ability to be both simultaneously Self Aware and aware of our environment, allows us to truly be immersed in our experience. This is what I believe living is.
This is my favorite of your podcasts to date. The role-play really helped me get past the 'psych jargon' aka terms such as id/ego/super-ego to see how all these "parts" manifest themselves and how I can help the different messaging coming from both external and internal sources find peace and work together to create a more healthy whole. Thanks!
Being genuinely interested vs trying to be interesting. I had to sit with that for a bit. It certainly changes how I relate to others and to myself. I think I fit the category of having become quite self-conscious in my desire to be self aware and to change negative patterns in my life. Thank you so much for highlighting the differences. I took quite a few notes while listening and re-listened to certain parts. The role play was very helpful, especially the questions Rick asked at the end: What currents existed in that part that were good? and the last one: What would have been good to hear in the moment when that part was in full flow? Trying to answer those for myself really hit home. Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to hear today!
Thanks for covering the topic. Eight years ago, aI 44, I was tipped off about having a presence of a two part self. Today, the impact of that discovery is still very relevant, in an evolving way.
Feedback: The role play segment is really helpful because it connected to me. Forrest, your questions are right on the spot about what type of problems people with morbid self preoccupied might be thinking. Rick, I really appreciate your thoughts and questions because it opens people's rigid mind and pin point what might cause the preoccupied mind.
I think what the 2nd stage comprises a lot of too is that it’s our shadow selves coming up. Often the things I’m founding out about myself are qualities that I would have often spoken badly about in others. I’m a recovering co-dependent and I had no idea that so many of the behaviours and mannerisms that I thought were ‘kind’, were actually inauthentic and used in an attempt to control the behaviours of others and their perception of me (both of which are impossible!) so that’s been a tough pill to swallow and can result in me being INCREDIBLY hard on myself when I feel tempted to go into ‘nice’ behaviours… it’s taking me a lot of time to decipher the difference between TRUE kindness and the deeply ingrained people pleasing habits of co-dependency.
I resonate strongly with this. I often wish I could “go back” to being less self aware and less aware of stuff in general in the world. Yet I seek stuff out without meaning to - my husband calls me a sighthound, I just need to see and know the why for everything. Trying to ease up on that and practice acceptance and being uncomfortable with uncertainty!!
So relevant to my processes at times, therefore a super interesting presentation for me. Thank you so much. What struck me immediately though was the sweetness between this father with his son. That is a beautiful thing to witness. Seems so authentic and real. I try to choose my "self help" vids very carefully, due to the abundance of information online, and I am glad I found yours this morning. Thank you
Amazing, there is an interesting synchronicity which always seems to bring your podcasts to my youtube when I am struggling to help someone with exactly the issue you are discussing. Many thanks for your timely and inciteful podcast.
Please do that role playing more I was feeling that I am in a therapy and the therapist (your dad) is talking directly to me and on the other hand you were saying the words from my mouth Which made to start crying And that was helpfull
the role play was very helpful and I think the ifs components are key. acknowledging the role of these parts, seeing them and thanking them for creating safety in the past helps removes the shame that can keep one from healing.
The roll play spoke to aspects of someone I care for deeply. They designated a lot of their light to their shadow. When one is naturally much higher in frequency then others we had to interact with on a daily basis, especially in childhood when our survival depended on interacting versus being abandoned, the lack of acceptance from others speaks to the others disintegration of themselves . The vivacious, high energy, emotionally expressive nature is our true nature. The lifetimes of supression has had an impact yes.... But we are now in a time during this expedited evolution, where reacquainting and reintegrating that vivacious childlike energy is vital. It is the medicine that heals. It is also the very instrument that determines were the most amount of healing in society is needed. For the very people that reject that vivacious childlike energy, are the very people that need the love and consideration, and support for their own healing. And just a note... Child like and Childish are not the same. Childish has the intention to disempower, whereas Child like empowers, it's intrinsically good-natured.
![[FULL EP.16] เซียนพาลุย "เผือก-ฟรอยด์" กรี๊ดลั่น จนปูหนี | เฮ็ดอย่างเซียนหรั่ง | One Playground](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/FsqUvwS3b-Y/mqdefault.jpg)
My self-awareness and awareness of others have become so crippling that it has taken me to a place of complete distrust for the human race. I constantly fear how I’m being perceived, which has been so scary and I feel so detached. I needed this today; thank you so much for speaking on this topic.
You are not alone, Olivia! My workplace demands what I regard as an inauthentic behavior that I find confusing from others and obsessive self-awareness. Like you said, it’s crippling and leads to fear, detachment and leaves you questioning your self-worth. We can break the cycle of rumination and self-doubt, but it may require us to change the relationships in a way that works for us.
@@seanwhaley78
Thank you so much for your comment. I completely resonate with the toxic work environments you mentioned. I’ve just come out of a 6-year digital marketing career in the corporate world, and your words really do hit home. The constant pressure to conform and lack of genuine connections has destroyed my self-worth. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone.😊
I’m desperately trying to find more supportive work settings and relationships in general moving forward.😬
Thanks again for making me feel less alone, take care of yourself.☺️
Imagine navigating 15 years (including 8 married) with a partner who sends mixed messages and both praises and rebukes your authenticity… it got to be extremely disorienting because I eventually wasn’t sure what was authentic or what was a performance tailored to keep things “normal”…
I almost deleted this comment thinking it would come off as inauthentic… Two years out and the behavior is still barely conscious and it’s difficult to stay out of the self judgment loop.
@@saggygnaw Wow, that sounds rough. Questioning what was real and what was just a performance to keep things “normal” is actually pretty soul destroying. It’s incredibly tough but so brave and commendable to break out of that self-judgment loop.
I’ve already found a sense of community here. All I seek for now is community and people who can relate to these depths. I hope you’re doing okay.
@@WhatWeAllow Sending you so much strength and hope.x
“The more self-conscious we become the less authentic we can be”.
🎯 Man I felt that in my heart!
Same!!
I know!! And aren't we expected to be our authentic self?
That line resonated for me as well. Have you looked into a razor (like Occam's) to cut through this sort of self-inhibitory awareness? Like, allowing yourself to make mistakes and leaning into being a fool under the right circumstances. It seems to me that the inhibitory instinct can be bypassed with discipline towards action without expectation of results (to separate it from perfectionism).
Edit: Maybe a way of conceptualizing that sort of razor would be "letting your inner autist shine."
I think that is a different kind of self-consciousness.
Only if you care what others think of you! So no that's not correct
“Paralysis by Analysis”
Facts 0:35
I believe that it is important to recognize that the darker parts of ourselves are no more authentic than the best parts. Authenticity is the expression of the fully integrated whole.
Yes! This is touched upon at 53:35
Wonderfully put statement.
The timing of this video is uncanny: I had my first therapy appointment ever yesterday (I'm 46) & at the end of it the therapist said I'd done an amazing job being my own therapist all these years and i was very self aware...I said "yes, I am, and THAT'S THE PROBLEM". In listening to this, I've realized that my version of being my own therapist, though, is acknowledging and then chastising myself for my issues, not listening objectively as a third party would. Thank you for this... new level unlocked
Wow, how specific.. I've also been to a therapist for the first time ever, after being my own therapist ever since I've existed, and also being one for everyone around me. Weird how I too stumbled across this video, how specific internet can be.
new level unlocked is so real
I believe part of the root cause is that we don't realize how much of what we identify as "our authentic self" is a construct and not based on absolutes...
Banner statement. Thank you
This is it! Meditating on dissolving my identity ego has helped me tremendously.
Ah, the concept of 'non-self'. My favorite subject as of recent! I cant stop learning about it. I believe it holds the key to true transformation.
@@lilbear19601true that ❤
Regular day to day self or mushroom 🍄 trip no ego self?
The more self-aware I become, the more I struggle with self-hatred. It’s a neverending cycle, and it’s affecting every aspect of my life-my work, relationships, self-trust, confidence, and competence. This negativity seems to feed on itself, creating more negative experiences. Ironically, when I was less self-aware and made a lot of reckless decisions, life felt easier. The consequences were minimal, and nothing seemed as doom-impending as how I feel now with every little thing and mistake I make. But now, as an adult, there’s this immense pressure to grow up, and it’s exhausting. I realize I don’t give myself much grace. However, something that has been helping me navigate this inner turmoil is listening to Michael Singer and podcasts like yours. I feel like I need to completely rebuild my internal world, and I am hoping this is just a temporary, painful growth.
thanks for everything you do to help us all
This podcast seems to be made just for you. I hope you were able to gain some new insights and benefit from it. You appear to be rather intelligent to be aware of how being too aware has negatively impacted you. The fact that you recognized that it won’t always be like this and have hope is very promising. You don’t have to accept your limiting beliefs. You mentioned you notice you don’t give yourself much grace. In spite of feeling exhausted in trying to rid yourself of those bad feelings from over critical self discovery, maybe more time could be helpful if spent on how and why you are having a difficult time being more self compassionate. Being aware of this , knowing there are many others going through the same problem , and that you have overcome past difficulties could help with that according to Kristin Neff. 😊
I feel alone as someone with probably too much self-awareness because it feels like the majority of people have little to no self-awareness. ✌️
it feels better when you realize you are not the only one facing exact same problem
I get it! 🥴
@@hrdcpy I so totally get that too. 😕
Looking back in old journals, I see that I used to ruminate a lot about how I should have acted in various situations (shame). I had a lot of anxiety about how I should act in current and upcoming situations. Eventually, I found relief in just avoiding situations in general, where acting one way or another would be an issue. I can see how these were early steps down the path of my becoming a generally avoidant solitary person.
If I had had been a wise counselor to myself back in those days I would have figured out a way to convey the idea that being a person is not an act. That spontaneous mistakes and slip-ups are a learning process. Essentially the problem is in how to cultivate compassion (antidote for shame) for yourself and also in being less judgemental of others -- in essence, how to connect and how to learn about other people.
Thank you Forrest and Rick for helping me to put together these memories. I may be getting ready to finally put them into their proper perspective.
Wow. You said this perfectly. I had to copy your words. The judgement of others component struck chord. That means that there is a mentality that we all have to be perfect somehow. Impossible. So that then leads to shame.
@@therstenExactly this! The perfection and shame battle is exhausting and unrealistic
Actual self-awareness isn't a hindrance in the slightest, nor does it make you feel any sort of way; you simply notice how you feel, watch it, and move on to noticing other things. There's no negative emotion that comes with it, judgment, or worry. If you're experiencing those sorts of things, then it's you being "self-conscious" or thinking about yourself a lot, perhaps constantly. It might even be neuroticism. However, that's something completely different than what we mean by "self-awareness."
Being extremely self-aware is a super power people! How amazing it is to have this power that causes growth, change, understanding, & wisdom! Think of how unstoppable you will be when you merge and manage both sides of yourself. Self-awareness & Just Being You! 5minutes of self awareness for growth and then back to being my badass self 😜🥰❤! Balance! This video has created so many questions for me to do shadowork with. I love it ❤! Thank you!!! 🙏🏽
It really has such an upside, I’m glad I’m not just a rambling idiot
Well said!!! Namaste!
❤
How is it a super power? Examples??? Because I don't feel like it is.
@@palestar828Astral projection
Yes yes yes, I love that part about being more interested in the other people vs being interesting to the other people. The reason I think this works is because it is in the highest and greatest good for all to be of service to other. Simply being actively and genuinely interested in another is an act of service.
Last night I prayed over this topic; for help in my stuckness with "parts" that overwhelm me consistently and my inability to find and maintain clarity at somewhat tense moments.
My ability to vacate my body is so perfect that I can have a conversation in my head, prepare fully for an event, but watch my body react and melt down anyway.
This nearly full awareness is brutal and I now understand why it is so common for addicts of all types to relapse.
It's a lonely state of "I am not this, and I am not that".
A no man's land.
Your comment resonated with me. 🧡
So beautifully stated.
God calls us to deep knowledge but He does not desire that we drown there, yes? We are created for purpose and destiny, and though we need self reflection to gain empathy and know we need Him, this is not where we stop. We have presence and vision to enact.
I need this reminder constantly. ❤
do you have childhood trauma?
Sounds like OSDD
I used to think i was hyper self aware until i realized i have no idea how to identify or feel my emotions anymore, i cant identify what i do wrong or right in social situations and I had no idea why other than "depression" for my total inability to motivate myself towards positive change. I had no idea that 99% of my issues stem from complex trauma
What's it like to not identify your feeling? My brother says he's numb and can't feel anything
I'm highly sensitive and very anxiety-prone. And recently I've been feeling that I'm hyper-aware of my feelings, which has been a little overwhelming.😅 Thanks a lot for your timely upload just when I need it and for everything you do. ❤️
The Observer
In Buddhist thinking there is an aspect of the self called The Observer. It doesn’t really get involved in decisions or have feelings. If a child/person responds to emotional turmoil and trauma by withdrawing they may find and become too closely associated with this aspect of themselves. The observer is safe. It doesn’t shout at you or say awful things. Later in life this manifests as feelings of disassociation and detachment, as though real life were happening on the other side of a sheet of glass. The need then is to get back into meatspace, where every instinct says there is danger, insecurity and what seem, by comparison, to be strong emotions.
Zen Buddhism has a lot to say to current psycho-emotional problems.
Definitely a perfectly timed and extremely helpful episode!
I'm reminded of the phrase: "What other people think of me is none of my business." I've spent way too much of my life worrying about how others perceive me and trying to morph myself into what is acceptable or would be better liked. It's exhausting!😂
I find myself today at age 64, in a new relationship with a caring soul who encourages me to just be myself. I want to trust that the parts of me that were shut down and/or criticized can return with grace/acceptance.
The good news is that I'm hopeful given my boyfriend's laughter when I released the goofy side recently and he lovingly referred to me as a "goofball". It felt freeing!
Thank you so much for your willingness to approach subjects that help us in real, everyday ways.
I love role plays AND the way the two of you interact in general.😁
My 36 year old daughter also loves your offerings and continues to gain awareness. 🙏🏻
Well done with Being Well!😉
That is so wholesome, thanks for sharing! ❤
This episode was very useful for me, as I identify as someone who can go into a "shame spiral" about something I've said or done. I experienced the role play as a tender and insightful journey, and was blown away by Rick's compassionate approach to the disowned part. Thank you!
For me, I know parts of myself so well, that when I start to share this with a therapist, I get frustrated when they start to make inferences about me based on data I provided them in the session when they don't have the whole "thesis". But it is impossible to parse everything in under an hour once per week. It makes it difficult for me to trust that the therapist knows how to help me because they jimp to ther own conclusions about what is going on. Idk if that makes sense. But that's often my frustration and what's leads me to drop a therapist after a few sessions.
Yes!! I also get triggered very easily because I grew up with cult like conditions, so when my therapist doesn't see me and that I know what's up, I don't feel safe with them
This describes my experiences with therapists exactly..they're just not seeing it or seeing it completely and therefore their advice doesn't quite match.
I've lost trust in therapists' efficacy for this reason exactly. It does feel good to speak to someone and to release the emotions, but when does the therapy start? I have so much data and can explain where my problems are, yet feel misunderstood. I also feel like there's a problem with therapists I've seen not admitting that they're not a good fit for my conditions nor referring me to a different therapist that may better meet my case needs. Do we need to become experts in psychology to be helped and advocate for ourselves during our lowest points? The system sucks tbh.
@@hrdcpy I feel the same when it comes to doctors when it comes to chronic illnesses honestly. They're good for broken bones and bacterial infections but anything more chronic and you're mostly going to have to figure it out for yourself.
@@kaitlananderson4302 Same here. I have had Post Concussion Syndrome with complicated visual defects etc. for the past 2 years. ✌️
I was compelled to comment on this podcast. I feel as though you were inside my head! It felt comforting to know that here are two well educated, compassionate people who are able to be vulnerable and share this with their listeners. It gives me hope. It makes me feel…understood in a way. Thank you, sincerely.
“Others are not impacted by us, we are impacted by ourselves, with our tight regulations, self consciousness, self awareness!”
I would love to have this guy as a counselor. He gets me...or should I say my neurosis. 😂
Love their relationship. I can't imagine how awesome it would feel to have a parent/child relationship like theirs. Beautiful!
I can't tell you how much I value the content you two put out. I wish we'd all had a Rick-dad growing up, but I'm glad to be able to learn from him now--from both of you.
Be well. Be blessed.
They’re amazing
I couldn't agree more! Well said! Namaste!❤
This has come at the right time thanks 😊
Please please please do more role plays!!! It helps so much to hear Rick in therapy mode and I put myself right into the patient role. Thank you!!!❤🎉
Lately, I've reached a point I am well acquainted with -- the being sick and tired of stopping myself from expressing myself creatively, politically -- you name it. You nailed it for me by describing the distinction between authentic and appropriate. I'll listen again so to absorb this better-- right now, I vote for more role play moments please. While I'm a sucker for talking ABOUT all this (as well as listening to you and Rick talk about it), your impromptu role play in today's episode went straight to my core and helped me operationalize the concept quickly. Grateful as well for your clear summaries at the conclusion of each episode. Thank you for addressing this topic today.
This video is hilariously ironic. "I worry I'm too self-aware. Let's listen to a whole podcast about it"
Lmao so true
I came here for a reason to be worried and validation of which stage I am in ( not even knowing there were stages before I clicked )
I am struggling so much with this, i literally told my therapist last week about this ,, what good is talking the talk if you cant walk the walk 😢😢
I can relate. I find it especially hard to feel normal and relaxed around my parents. I constantly question and analyze myself around them and thoughts like “am I supposed to be doing more in conversation or are they supposed to be doing more for me” constantly rattle in my head. I hope it gets better. I think it will
@@eli7527 yes! ❤️
@@eli7527since you specifically mentioned doing this around your parents - you might be suffering from CPTSD and have adapted to suppress your authentic expression around your parents as a survival mechanism. I'd greatly recommend looking up Tim Fletcher here on TH-cam if it might help you at all. Good luck on your healing! :)
I’m in the same boat boat. It’s so difficult. I’ve had to take so many steps back from many ppl in my life, (including my own parents) throughout my life because the situations around ppl are so overwhelming and then I beat myself up over it afterwards. Do these feeling really ever fully go away?? I’ve been like this since teenage hood - I’m 38 now.
Would you be opposed to doing a segment on ADHD and Autism self-consciousness and social anxiety? I think many folks start out not self-conscious but are quickly "put in their place" because we're different, which can in turn force self-awareness of how "different" but not wrong we are. This would be a great complement to "too self-aware."
YES!
Ditto!
Or just the time spent building your mask that you use to navigate the world. That then becomes this hyper self awareness that you actually need to assess and then change and reassess when you are trying to be "normal" at work or school or with family just to get by.
On one hand hey I'm level 1 autism and I have a job and late in life to college but still I am functional. On the other I know higher level 2 and 3 autistic folks that can not do these things and why the employment percentage of people with ASD is so low but my mask is exhausting and causes me a lot of personal internal pain. I have high blood pressure from the constant stress. I think it's going to kill me and sometimes I think we'll it's probably for the best lol. Like shoving my feet in shoes 3 times too small and knowing every shaky painful step is still not quite normal and not quite good enough when I play the tape back later to continue the constant building of the normal persona.
@@oryx_85 I get what you’re saying. It’s exhausting.
Thank you Forrest, amazing content as always. Your new videos have a habit of appearing just when I need them, it's magic 😀
This is INSANELY helpful, I knew I needed to put it in my Watch Later playlist until I was ready for it for a reason!
I was raised by people who were unable to lift up the authentic parts of me, while also labelling me an "old soul" after I was made to grow up too quickly (due to various traumas). My recent struggle after years of self reflection and discovery really has been that "hyper-awareness" aspect. I am fighting to express myself authentically while also still subconsciously taking advice from the self conscious parts of me like a little parrot on my shoulder! It's not that I made the parrot that way or that it's inherently "bad", but it only says what it has heard from those who it trusted. Re-training the parrot is a huge deal of work and active effort that makes me feel uncomfortable, but I know that in the long run it'll help me feel more in touch with my authentic self. ❤
Speaking of this authentic self expression, as someone AFAB (assigned female at birth) who is now Non Binary and on Testosterone, the fight to be seen as myself is a lot more poignant now. What are some ways to push past the compliant and pacifistic part of myself that struggles to correct misgendering and pushback from those who don't desire to understand but want "the old me" back? Thanks! 💕
Wishing anyone else on this journey so much happiness and strength! 💗
Others might not see us “authentic “ but if I see one of us walking down the street, I would find you to be the most authentic person around! Don’t let other people that are unlike us, to beat our confidence, we should be proud and confident with our self consciousness. We never see any fault in others but we see all the faults in ourselves, well, change that, turn the tables round, internally, find a fault in everyone you see in the next couple days, ( don’t make it obvious though 😅) and you’ll see how genuine your thoughts are towards others, but not so genuine towards yourself.
I've imagined it like this: Think every organ, every feeling, every thought, every hormone, has a voice. Each and every one is screaming or mumbling at the same time, and the "conscious me" is like an orchestra director, picking and choosing which instrument gets highlighted at which time, while the "subconscious me" is the one who writes the partitur. And going along that analogy, the difference between being a genius, a psichopath, a schizofrenic, a normie or neurodivergent has to do with the music and how each one chooses to play it.
Thanks for the conversation!
I feel like one way it becomes detrimental for me is that it can contribute to over-doing taking responsibility when dealing with people who lack self-awareness or avoid accountability. Also, overextending compassion and empathy for someone because I can understand why they might be the way they are, contributing to porous boundaries and suffering for myself.
this speaks to the unavoidably spiritual nature of the human being. the 'self' that one is aware of in this context is not the Self of the spiritualists but is rather the "false self" or ego that one has, not what one essentially is.
thus even if we 'have' a mind (instrument of mental faculty), that which observes the mind cannot be the mind itself.
'who am i'?
Yeah great point. That's exactly where standard therapy fails and mindfullness can actually push us forward.
Your deep insights and suggestions heal and help enlighten me profoundly. Its somaticly healing. Like taking a bath in well being and light listening to Ricks voice and words. SO PROFOUND. 🙏 🌷Bless you 2
Good discussion. I'll add my two cents: He recommends taking the focus off yourself, and to be intereseted in others. But the problem is you end up in situations where you're the supportive listener ALL the time. In fact, people love you because they've never felt so seen before! So yeah of course, you're included because you give people attention and a platform to express themselves and generally hold them in positive regard (aka not being disagreeable or critical). It has the unintended side effect of creating narcissists, while you lose touch with what it feels like to express yourself and become a boundryless empath.
that’s exactly what i was thinking, the role playing was so engaging but i wanted to jump in with that exact point. it’s great at making other people feel good in an interaction and taking some pressure off yourself, but over time u can definitely fall into a whole new trap of muted self expression when u get really great at listening. maybe it’s just my age group (just graduated college), but i found that i ended up attracting people who care more about talking to themselves with an audience than having an actual conversation, and talking to them made me feel MORE isolated bc i’d be a sounding board for them and, in my mind, confirm that there wasn’t value in anything i had to say. i think the “default to listening” approach is a great stepping stone, but i wish they didn’t leave it as a eureka-type solution.
My self awareness lead to a social anxiety, my external person was always critical and watching, I had to retrain that inner voice to start being more compassionate, patient and to start saying nicer things. It's made all the difference in the world as I learnt to unify my self
Echoist here. Yes, please more in-depth content on Echoism, not the same as Empath, Codependent, or anything else. Thanks.
The role play at the end brought me to tears. Thank you both for sharing your knowledge from so many years of experience, your wisdom, AND your curiosity. You two really do a beautiful job working together to educate the people on important topics. Thank you for brightening my day! ❤
I love and extremely appreciate everything you put out. It helps me greatly. This particular episode has a kind of vulnerability in the role play that is really sweet to witness and also, with this particular topic of “rumination” helped me a lot to ask myself the questions from a loving place…Because that’s what I get from this space. A loving, caring, and safe space. Than you both!! I would love to see more of this role play episodes. When you don’t have money for therapy it’s helpful!!
Dr. K is PHENOMENAL when it comes to this topic. I really hope to see him on the podcast
This is a phenomenal discussion, I’m very grateful to have found this.
Yes! I came to this realisation and in a way is self absorbed and trying to “fix” to then get it “right” as you’re super self observant and it’s a trap. Also leads to confusion of self too
I like this episode. I had an experience once that was traumatic and no one knew about it. Wanted to play with the boys in the neighborhood and I was a young girl. But I was so much wanting to be part and belong that I allowed them to tie me to a tree as part of playing... as part of a game but then they forgot about me. It was terrifying....for me being tied up and wondering if they went home, because it was a long time that they forgot about me... so when they came to get me, I was so traumatized, shaking all over and said nothing to them and nothing to anyone. I thought, as an adult, that part of me was not socialized but very anxious to belong and wanted to play with the boys.... more than with the girls. I suspect because I was possibly over-bearing, they exploited by weakness of my desperately wanting to belong & I blamed myself fr being overanxious with no boundaries I do not think I totally resolved that. In fact, I may not trust boys (& men) anymore because of that incident.
😢
No doubt! 😵💫
I really enjoyed this video and the tone and topic and got some good concepts to think about as I continue to work on being more uninhibited. But as someone who is sincerely interested in others, and took the “listener” role early on as a coping strategy due to who my parents were, I can report from the trenches that this might not be a workable strategy for many people struggling with self-consciousness. Yes, it does help you take focus off yourself when you are with others. But it doesn’t solve the actual problem.
Human connection, feeling connected to others, isn’t about just about showing up for them. Unfortunately as you pointed out in this video, many people don’t really listen to others at all. When you adopt the listener role as your primary strategy for connection, people consciously or unconsciously take advantage of it. You’ll find the majority of people absolutely love your sincere curiosity in them, and completely forget to show any interest in you back. You are not known, you are not seen, you are not heard. It takes a very special kind of person, maybe 1 in 10 in my experience, to actively bounce the ball back in conversation. For real nourishing connections, self-conscious people cannot just show up as listeners. We have to learn to carve out space for ourselves as well. This video is missing how to do that, and that I think is the prime issue self-conscious people face.
When you build relationships on a non-reciprocal dynamic, it is very hard to retroactively make them reciprocal. When you show up as a listener, you attract people who like to talk and be listened to. You end up establishing rapport with people who dominate conversations and don’t know how to bounce the ball back. I think it’s very important for self-conscious, overly self aware people to know how to step OUT of the other-focused (sometimes even moving into “fawn” coping mechanism) roles, and show up in a way that also reasonably requests others meet our needs to be seen, heard, understood. We need to do this to find those people who are capable and interested in showing up for us as listeners as well.
Maybe a future video can (or has already?) covered ways inhibited and self-conscious people can learn to take up space, especially in the face of the many non-listeners we encounter who may steam roll right over us. I know I’d love to hear your insights on this. 🙏
Sooo well said...and accurate! Thank you for expressing this reality, and for your request regarding it. I experience this reality a lot...for the same reason you expressed. I have found it eventually can wear you out...and then I can start avoiding people just to avoid the issue of getting worn out from always being the audience! Namaste!
So powerful. The role play really touched me. I felt the vulnerability of that young part that just gravitated toward the group in an open aymuthentic way. I felt the invalidating distress of rejection conveyed in the exchange. I think the role play is a really helpful model to illustrate the concepts being discussed.
I relate to this video & the self critic(decisionmaking, how i react to others), but it wasn't until you did the role play of the inner child that really hit home! Realizing that if no one(including myself) had abused or mislead & if i had been encouraged or gratified, that the inner child would be fully developed & not shamed!
This was very helpful. I would really benefit from more advice specifically on the "inner critic" and being able to challenge and dismiss anxious and intrusive thoughts. Thanks so much!!
I find what helps me when I notice that I'm being self critical, is I ask myself if I was observing someone I care about, doing whatever I'm criticising about myself, would I be criticising them for doing it. It allows a different perspective from a more compassionate lens.
I am the character in the role play you just did! I was/am?goofy, kind and friendly, a bit naive and dreamy and the older I got, the less it was accepted. I’ve actually found too, the older I have gotten and the more responsibilities I have, the less I am in touch with this quite big side of myself and I really miss her. When I was young it actually was met with annoyance, ridicule and even anger. My father had a goofy, friendly side as well but was also highly task oriented and organized. The more serious moments where you need to get things done, sport, chores, anything where you should have a more serious side come out, I struggled to “buckle down”. I am also not highly motivated, am prone to procrastination and this is something that drove my dad nuts. He did often praise my sweetness and kindness but I felt it all kind of went together and my kindness and naivety were often taken advantage of to the point I definitely struggle to trust people. I see my son is the same as I was in some ways. I’m trying so hard to nurture that side and not point it out as bad and also tell him that there are times in life that we need to be a bit more serious so that we can cooperate with others more and get some things done. He plays team sports so there is quite a lot of competition and he struggles in this area as I did. He really just wants to have fun. I also remember having so much fun with certain people who really loved these parts of me and didn’t take advantage of it. I was very lucky in my younger years to have met some really great and kind goof balls in my life. These days, not so much. I can at least bring her out with my son☺️ He gets it and I get him💕 The one thing I kinda regret about this side being in a sense pushed away, I always wonder, if it had been nurtured if I would’ve been a writer bc I had the most amazing imagination. I would also love to know where all the 40 plus year old kind, goof ball moms hang out now! Most people I come into contact with (which admittedly is not many people and I live in a small town that I am not from) seem so serious and anytime I’ve tried to let that goofy, kind side out, it’s been met with eye rolls and weird looks like the cliques would do in high school😢 I will take your advice though and have compassion for these parts of me. I am struggling to accept them but I’ll keep trying to bring them out in more laid back settings hoping to meet someone who appreciates it and also maybe get out of my head a bit but that’s been a tough one!🌸
Thank you, incredibly helpful ❤️🙏❤️
Exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you to both of you for generously sharing your wisdom. Going on my playlist!
I really appreciated the role play. A while back i realised it had devolved into this like self obsession. I began to ask do i even like the people im so concerned about them liking me.the answer is no i don't like most people very much and i don't know what to do with that because i just don't have any friends.
Wow thank you! I didn’t quite understand everything but this will definitely be a video I watch multiple multiple times! Thank you 🙏🏼
Self-preoccupation sucks. I’m sure this takes up a lot of my cognitive load because I’m constantly evaluating how I’m acting or speaking and going very far into censoring what I’m saying or doing in so many situations because I’m second-guessing the right thing.
The role play in the middle of the video felt very relevant. Being genuinely interested in and delving deeper with others is often my goal but it is hard to express the questions or follow-ups in the moment. I do think the pressure on myself just crops up constantly trying to interrupt my focus and curiosity of others so I’m left feeling like I only was able to be surface-level and constantly feeling shame about my interactions with others
Do you have PTSD or CPTSD?
Your 1st role-playing wis me... and I'm so glad for the answer, Dad. Thank you.
Again, more prayer last night (I never really know where it's going to lead - what topic is in my heart as opposed to in my mind), and my sense of never really being who I am moment to moment was what got me emotional. We all adjust in large and small ways according to who's in the room and what's being said, but I feel like my Self was and still most often is muzzled and tied to a chair or when I'm more conscious, screaming from another dimension it's actual desires.
This role playing is helpful in that I can see what's discussed in action. Some of what Forrest "played" at the beginning could have been my experience word for word. People sense my lack of Self or ability to connect with it and immediately treat me according to their own lack of Self. People who are quite balanced and have a firm understanding of their inherent value in the world simply aren't interested in folks who do not other than to guide assist when asked.
My prayers are answered if I'm fully honest and keep my ears open! I love what Rick was saying about being too focused on how we feel about interactions and instead can be interested in how others are feeling or interpreting the exchange. For years I've been working on this and sharing it in groups but that deep rooted urge to protect oneself moment to moment is hard to get a crack in. The effort is tremendous and I even have a kind of admiration or awe of it these days for how many generations of experiences it must have taken to become so extreme, never mind little me finally wanting to disengage it.
This is bigger than changing one's genetic expression, I think, as I've leaned on for evidence and explanation of difficulty. It's more than just the individual in isolation as experience; it's the experience of many, since we can't exist or experience without context.
I stumbled upon this podcast and I am a big fan of you both! I love that you and your dad look so much alike! Being too self aware has bitten me in the butt a few times. I think what we are trying to achieve "Being in the Now" just like you said!!!!
As a person who embodies this all playful part in most group social interactions (unless the topic is serious) it's a part that comes from a place of I want everyone to laugh, have fun, and be included. I want to be open the silliness door that is so often closed and create a space where everyone feels safe to express their silliness too. At times I've been told to put it away by my sister who has a lot of anxiety (social and otherwise). I can definitely be defensive toward it with her, "why do you think the outside world is so critical? There's no script on how adults must behave, if we're having fun people look at that fondly rather than critically." It's helpful to get origins of the repression and how it came about it. I think I can listen to her with more compassion now and less defensive.
Great roleplay. But it felt like maybe a conversation that you two might have had a conversation? Sometimes when I watch your videos I get this sense of high anxiety in the speed you talk the sound of your voice. Today while you were having this conversation I felt that lessen from you but I could totally be projecting.
I could hear you both for hours. Omg ❤
It’s a really interesting concept that I think really does need addressed. A healthy amount of Narcissism (self esteem) is necessary for people to have the tenacity to think assertively about themselves. Especially in those that have been conditioned to give the self over to others, only to be let down. Time & time again. I would love if you looked into “Echoism”… and maybe review Echoism; The Silenced Response to Narcissism by Donna Savery. Excellent video
Thank you so much. I found this video so clarifying, reassuring and helpful. Very much identified with the character and the whole video felt tailor-made for me! Also gotta thank TH-cam algorithm for suggesting and seemingly perfect timing!
Oh my God this is making so much sense. Executive core was experienced as a huge shadow for me. Ego. 🎉 this blows me away. Love it.
I really Love the work you two do and the way you bring it to the world ❣️ thank you very much for your contribution! ❤️🙏😊
More role plays, thank you so much! So helpful to see in "real time"/experientially the concepts discussed. You two are wonderful 🙏
This title simultaneously terrified me and seriously intrigued me all at once! 😬☺️❣️
I believe, all it takes to get out from that toxic cycle of "too self aware" is still to get detached (outside looking in) but the "external observer" should be in the state/lens of curiosity (we can change things, we don't know what or how but we can find a way together. so it's ok not to be ok right now.) and not judgement (that's just the way we are. "stuck").
that's why there's a saying "The way we talk to children becomes their inner voice." We pick up the cues on how to look at oneself from others and that's how the external observer (inner voice) will look at oneself too.
Dear Forrest and Dr. Rick, your video made me cry…. Particularly your role-play feels like a demonstration of the mess going on in my mind that I'd love to be able to turn off. Feeling awkward and self-conscious all the time is sooo depleting and limiting.
PS.: Thank you for your incredible work 🙏
Absolutely amazing. You are hitting every nail on the head guys
Wow! I really relate to the role-play! I've done a lot of work dealing with this and come a long way. But this expressed perfectly what goes on internally.
The role plays were hugely valuable... the bright bubbly, funny and creative younger me also had little impulse control that I think challenged people a lot, particularly my mother. I find myself struggling with him when he appears in an adult scenario with people I can't be myself in front of, or don't feel safe doing so.
I also really love Rick's observation that if you're socially anxious you can step back into a listen-mode role which is far, far less stressful. I realised as he said this, that I would add that if you find yourself struggling with a conversational partner who is trying to display their mastery of discourse... you can step **back** into the listen mode to give them the space to be themselves, regroup your sense of self, and perhaps simply allow that you will not be able to express yourself in the way you'd like with this person.
Wait, this video feels counterintuitive. It’s making me more self aware.
When I listen to this I am thinking of the inner critic and the healthy way you can argue with the inner critic and take up for yourself against the harsh judgments of the inner critic. Not sure if you will end up touching on this in this podcast, but in the first 15 mins, that's what I am thinking about in terms of the rumination.
This was a really great discussion of some big issues I've been having which, in my viewing experience, are often brushed aside. Nobody wants to address the fact that, yes, people do have real, legitimate reasons for wanting to suppress authentic parts of their personality that overwhelm or even harm others. Not only does your explanation address that, but you give practical advice for helping it.
Exciting title, I would love to watch this episode ❤ And, as many of listeners, if I could, I watch you because there is a lot of gems in looking when you are talking with each other.
Loved the role play. It made hard to grasp concepts more concrete.
This is my first time seeing one of your videos and I’m glad it came up in my recommended feed. Love the format with you and your dad! Very informative and helpful. Thank you!
Never a boring moment with you two, thank you for letting me understand myself better.
I'm in the last part. I see my personalitys and know feel them pulling but I know theyre me. I'm lead by purpose but now I'm worried that this purpose might lead me nowhere. But I'm trying to be true to myself. Most days I regret what I did the last till the night hits and my mind shifts than we restart the day. I hear and make music to heal 🎶
Thank you thank you thank you ❤🎉🌌
Wether or not the self awareness is healthy vs unhealthy depends on the level of perspective one has. Ultimately "Self Awareness" is simply the witness to your experience. Its non bias, non judgmental, non discriminating, it simply observes our life. That level of awareness is our truth. We need not observe ourselves for some purpose. Self awareness allows us to "Be" in the here and now. The ability to be both simultaneously Self Aware and aware of our environment, allows us to truly be immersed in our experience. This is what I believe living is.
This topic and role-play were both phenomenally helpful for me, thank you! As someone with cptsd, this has been a major issue in my own life.
This is my favorite of your podcasts to date. The role-play really helped me get past the 'psych jargon' aka terms such as id/ego/super-ego to see how all these "parts" manifest themselves and how I can help the different messaging coming from both external and internal sources find peace and work together to create a more healthy whole. Thanks!
Such nuanced takes I really appreciate!!❤
Being genuinely interested vs trying to be interesting. I had to sit with that for a bit. It certainly changes how I relate to others and to myself.
I think I fit the category of having become quite self-conscious in my desire to be self aware and to change negative patterns in my life. Thank you so much for highlighting the differences. I took quite a few notes while listening and re-listened to certain parts.
The role play was very helpful, especially the questions Rick asked at the end: What currents existed in that part that were good? and the last one: What would have been good to hear in the moment when that part was in full flow?
Trying to answer those for myself really hit home. Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to hear today!
Thanks for covering the topic. Eight years ago, aI 44, I was tipped off about having a presence of a two part self. Today, the impact of that discovery is still very relevant, in an evolving way.
Definitely the hardest stage of all
Feedback:
The role play segment is really helpful because it connected to me. Forrest, your questions are right on the spot about what type of problems people with morbid self preoccupied might be thinking. Rick, I really appreciate your thoughts and questions because it opens people's rigid mind and pin point what might cause the preoccupied mind.
I think what the 2nd stage comprises a lot of too is that it’s our shadow selves coming up. Often the things I’m founding out about myself are qualities that I would have often spoken badly about in others. I’m a recovering co-dependent and I had no idea that so many of the behaviours and mannerisms that I thought were ‘kind’, were actually inauthentic and used in an attempt to control the behaviours of others and their perception of me (both of which are impossible!) so that’s been a tough pill to swallow and can result in me being INCREDIBLY hard on myself when I feel tempted to go into ‘nice’ behaviours… it’s taking me a lot of time to decipher the difference between TRUE kindness and the deeply ingrained people pleasing habits of co-dependency.
your voice is very pleasant to listen to - thank you for the content
I resonate strongly with this. I often wish I could “go back” to being less self aware and less aware of stuff in general in the world. Yet I seek stuff out without meaning to - my husband calls me a sighthound, I just need to see and know the why for everything. Trying to ease up on that and practice acceptance and being uncomfortable with uncertainty!!
So relevant to my processes at times, therefore a super interesting presentation for me. Thank you so much. What struck me immediately though was the sweetness between this father with his son. That is a beautiful thing to witness. Seems so authentic and real. I try to choose my "self help" vids very carefully, due to the abundance of information online, and I am glad I found yours this morning. Thank you
Just what. I needed to hear
Amazing, there is an interesting synchronicity which always seems to bring your podcasts to my youtube when I am struggling to help someone with exactly the issue you are discussing. Many thanks for your timely and inciteful podcast.
Serendipity 😉
Please do that role playing more
I was feeling that I am in a therapy and the therapist (your dad) is talking directly to me and on the other hand you were saying the words from my mouth
Which made to start crying
And that was helpfull
Love your energies. Great topic. ❤
the role play was very helpful and I think the ifs components are key. acknowledging the role of these parts, seeing them and thanking them for creating safety in the past helps removes the shame that can keep one from healing.
What an illuminating, gentle conversation! Great topic. Thank you guys!
The roll play spoke to aspects of someone I care for deeply. They designated a lot of their light to their shadow. When one is naturally much higher in frequency then others we had to interact with on a daily basis, especially in childhood when our survival depended on interacting versus being abandoned, the lack of acceptance from others speaks to the others disintegration of themselves . The vivacious, high energy, emotionally expressive nature is our true nature. The lifetimes of supression has had an impact yes.... But we are now in a time during this expedited evolution, where reacquainting and reintegrating that vivacious childlike energy is vital. It is the medicine that heals. It is also the very instrument that determines were the most amount of healing in society is needed. For the very people that reject that vivacious childlike energy, are the very people that need the love and consideration, and support for their own healing. And just a note... Child like and Childish are not the same. Childish has the intention to disempower, whereas Child like empowers, it's intrinsically good-natured.
Great episode with en pointe role plays! I love Rick's compassionate inquiry of 'little' Forrest. 🙏🏼❤️
Thanks, the best channel I've ever come across. Enjoyable listening to the both of you.