A Broken Modern Man
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ต.ค. 2024
- I am broken. I've felt like it is physically impossible for me to ask for help or talk to anyone about the things that bother me. I feel like I'm mute. I have thought about making this video for a long time. It won't change anything but at least if something happens, people will know why.
There is a lot of pain inside me. Maybe more than I've realized or wanted to admit to. I can't think of anything really bad that caused it, I mostly experienced neglect. But I don't remember a lot from when I was very young and I don't know if all my memories are even real. Some memories that I thought were real turned out to be fake. Some turned out to be things that happened to someone else.
I didn't have the best childhood. I was homeschooled through all grades. After 4th or 5th my mom couldn't explain things any different than the books did, and I was on my own mostly. I was the student, the teacher and the principal. I didn't learn much.
My sister had anxiety, depression, and schizophrenia. When we were young we played together all the time. When she hit puberty she didn't want to play with me anymore. So I spent most of my time alone from then on.
My sister would stay in her room all day. My mom would be in her work room and then bedroom for most of the day. My dad came home at 5pm usually and would be doing stuff outside or be in the bedroom. My school work only took a few hours and then I would be alone.
I would pace around in the living room worrying about things a lot. I would be so bored at times I would watch paid programming. I never liked to eat alone, in silence, so if I wasn't eating with anyone else, I would have TV on even if it was paid programming.
I ended up shy, scared of people and the world, bad at socializing, terrible at making friends, and poorly educated. Everything was harder for me than for most people.
Most of the time I would only see other kids at church and then I would usually play with my best friend on Saturday. During the week days I was usually alone most of the time.
Sometimes there would be an all day church hang out where I could play with kids. At the end of the day I would sometimes cry because I knew I wasn't going to do something like that for awhile.
For a year or two when I was young I would call a few kids that I considered my friends every Saturday to talk and see if we could hang out. Almost every time the answer was no. When I was 13 I gave up and stopped. I realized recently that I have never asked anyone to hang out since. I just gave up.
I felt invisible to almost everyone when I was a teenager. Especially girls. Until about 23 I had only had 1 girl ever flirt/show interest in me. I can still probably count on one hand the amount of
women that have flirted/shown interest in me. I didn't have a girl near my age call me attractive until I was 27/28, and I didn't have girl ask me out until I was 28/29. I guess I'm just ugly. I have never had a girlfriend or dated or done anything with a girl. Haven't even held hands.
I've never had many friends. While I've been an adult I've only had a few I guess but I haven't done much of anything with anyone outside of work.
My parents didn't teach me that much once I got older. I learned more from reading things on the internet than from them. I've learned more from the internet, TH-cam and books then from anyone. I have had to learn things the hard way.
I don't feel like my parents love me. I'm sure they do but with how my childhood went I don't feel loved. I don't feel like anyone cares about me or what happens to me. I have always felt like a bad person. I have always believed that I deserved to be miserable. That I deserve to be punished. That I don't deserve anything good. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I have tried to change this, but I don't know if it is possible. I'm not sure I can feel and think better of myself. And I guess that's what most of my pain is from.
I guess everything I have been doing has been a vain attempt to escape the pain, but I can't. I can't escape it. If I could have became a drug addict I would have. But I can't handle drugs. I have no escape. no matter what I am doing, the anxiety, the depression, the loneliness, the pain is there.
The biggest problem I have is my sleep. It is not restful. It doesn't matter when I go to sleep, when I get up, how long I sleep. My body doesn't heal like it should. At this point, after trying so many things, I can only assume it's my pain, my problems causing it. I am tired all the time, I'm sore all the time, I hurt, my joints hurt, I have injuries that never healed. I can't exercise because if I do I get even more sore, it takes a week for my body to recover, and when it does I am not any stronger. For about 12 years now I have had to listen to music or something while I sleep so I don't have bad dreams or wake up feeling bad.
I don't know if I will ever be functional enough to live a normal life. Maybe its time to call it quits.
I know this will sound trite, but you are not on your own. I know men who are going through intense loneliness and isolation. It's extremely difficult to see a way out of it, but it is possible to find your way. I don't want to give you advice, but I will say that it starts to get easier when you spend time helping other people, especially if they aren't your family or friends. That way you will see proof of just how valuable you are. Don't let the world persuade you that you're worthless.
Keep your head up bro, all love here❤️
Must persevere, best thing about life is that you have all the power in yourself to turn your shit around, everything you need is within yourself
I'm 69 years old, married late in life at age 40. My wife and I have two children together, a daughter and son, now adults. I can relate to many of the things you said and have anecdotal information that may help in a number of areas. It would be cool if you set up a separate email you would be willing to make available in the info section of perhaps a 2nd channel to receive emails.
Hang in there bud.
You are far from alone bro. We have it all the same.
Join a club. BJJ is a good place to build friendships and self confidence. The side bonus is that you will also get in shape. Bet you after 3 months you’ll have friends
I know it may sound dumb, but i"ll pray for you, brother. You are not alone in this. Sadly, there are lots of people in the same cage without a window as you, but God have is all-knowing and righteous, things will get better eventually. Don't you ever forget that He loves you. He loves all of us. God never promised that it would be easy, but he promised that we would never be alone... Stay strong. God bless you
If he loves us so much, he sure has a weird way of showing it. Do you even realize how much misery and death there is around the world ?
@@Nicky-uo8zc No, Nicky… It had never crossed my mind
@@egosumgustavo Well now you know better to not believe in something that dumb people made up !
@@Nicky-uo8zc It's ok, I can pray for you aswell brother. God bless you.
@@Nicky-uo8zc And where and why do you think that Misery and Death exists. You will only find the answer to this in the Orthodox Church. Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on you.
No one is ever too broken to be healed. Try finding a hobby you can meet people through.
Call out to God. Ask him for his mercy and guidance. The modern man has forgotten his Creator.
Yea, that's gonna help !😂
You grew up in a 4 person jail. I would get off western depression meds, they cause alot more harm than good. Fix your diet because that fixes alot mentally and physically. Find time for the gym. Direct Sunlight for 30 mins a day if possible. Work hard on finding a passion, it won't come easy. Mind body soul. 😀
I'm not sure whether you'd be interested in these words, but since you are at your low, why not get in here and tell you something that might help. Your defeated state of mind mostly evolves around others appreciation. You are tortured by the feeling of not being enough and you hate yourself for it too. The way this eats away at your soul and speeds up the mechanics that bring you down is hard to watch. I'm just a random guy stumbling upon your video and you speak of "if something happens". Let me tell you something: burn that note! There's a way out of this shithole without making any permanent mistakes. The sensible thing to do is to start reading something to strengthen your mind without needing your ego to grow. Start reading meditation from Marcus Aurelius. Start focussing on what you have on board of yourself right now, which is a lot I am sure. Focus on building dignity and calm focus. But burn that notion of "if something happens".
Well said, I appreciate the perspective.
Lord Jesus Christ will take mercy on you, come into the Orthodox Church.