@@mollymuriithi922 I was this person too But i grieved alot then I decided to forgive them in my mind not coz they deserve forgiveness but bcz I deserve peace ! Letting go is hard but the best part
The lies and gaslighting literally broke my spirit. He really made me think I was crazy. Was a living hell. Couldn’t move could leave the house wanted to die. He’d made me hate myself so he could do whatever he wanted without any consequences. Two years after leaving I’m still really easily triggered, and have a very real fear of seeing him or hearing anything about him.
Experienced betrayal trauma. The lies, guilt tripping, and gaslighting were on overload. I felt all kinds of body pain, emotionally out of wack, and shame ridden in my marriage. I had to end the marriage and been getting counseling for a long time. It has helped me really understand I was in an unsafe / toxic relationship. I'm still in recovery and healing from that past in my life.
This had validated everything ive been feeling. And my husband literally says why can't you get over it. It's only been a few months since the last lie that I know of. When I ask questions for reassurance I get that I'm crazy and its stupid. I get laughed at when I call it PTSD. This man has done so much. 😥
Crime and Mystery with Danielle B you are not alone. 40+ affairs over 13 yrs but I was depressed. Why can’t I be strong, why can’t I get over him having sex in our family RV....you are not alone.
Crime and Mystery with Danielle B omg I know how you feel!! I am so sorry This just sucks I am hurting myself so much that I m paralyzed with fear or doing anything making any decision throws me in a fisical sickness and mental anguish that I often think of killing my self so I can get out of this hell and be free I need help I am so broken
That's me 🤧. I'm a wreck it created so much damage for me I know I need to heal but i don't know how to do it without going off. I keep it bottled but I'm dying inside
As a therapist myself who has experienced extreme betrayal trauma I find that most of what you are saying is true and helpful. However, I think it's retraumatizing the victim by telling them that they need to "appropriately" respond to their triggers. Obviously physical violence is unacceptable but to expect the betrayed to approach their partner in a vulnerable way to communicate their pain is unrealistic and shaming in itself. If there is no trust then there is no trust in the partner's ability to hold my pain, see it for what it is, and respond appropriately. If I am triggered the way I handle it is up to me; it does not have to come in a pretty little box and given with clarity. Also, to insinuate that the details "bra size" of the betrayal is unimportant is not for anyone else to determine. That is my decision; what details I need to make sense of my life or experience is mine alone and I am allowed to ask for those, regardless.
Well Said. I’ve heard people say that you shouldn’t blame the AP because your husband let her in. I say you’ve got the right to blame whoever you deem responsible
Completely agree AL I was once asked if I am in control of myself or if my husband is bc I had an emotional reaction to his constantly looking at other women and it rubbed me the complete wrong way and I’m return I got “he’s the addict” completely invalidated me. I didn’t make a scene, I got quiet, shut down and didn’t speak but later anxiety got the best of me and I was crying a lot. I feel my reaction was normal 🤷🏻♀️
I've been betrayed by many people. My mother, husband, friends, coworkers, sister in laws, church members. They will wreck your physical health. I had to distance myself from most of them and set boundaries with the ones I still have to deal with. I quit my job and left my childhood church that I was raising my children in as well. When my oldest child got their driver's license they took their younger siblings to another church. I was not able physically from years of betrayal my body shutdown. I was bedridden and couldn't walk. Diagnosis was irritable bowel syndrome and pelvic floor pain syndrome. I was undiagnosed for a year with the pelvic muscle tightness and pain. Once I got a diagnosis I had multiple cycles of physical therapy for some relief. I stayed with my husband and we worked out our problems. The others I distance myself as much as possible. I'm so thankful for my oldest child taking on the man of the family and lead his siblings. God is Good! I had a family member call me back when I was having so many health problems that told me my mother was jealous of me and my accomplishments. After listening to this family member tell me many times in my childhood that never made sense, well it started to make sense as a grown woman. I then had other people tell me that my co-workers were jealous and had a click to take me down. They were jealous of the hard work I put into my job. Betrayal is destruction on the body physically. Once you have knowledge of betrayal get help or get out before it's to late. 🙏
For sure I had betrayal blindness when I first found out. Looks like we do the same kind of work. So glad to see there are so many of us out there to help people through this.
I gave up a great guy I met when my husband ran off with a coworker to have him come back and force me to give up the guy, only for him to keep seeing the girl for almost a year afterward (I didn't know it). It caused years of lies and betrayal. I was so blind and in denial that he was still seeing her. So much trauma from his lies and shame, the guilt of not choosing a healthy partner.
Eva Wright I’m so sorry he did that to you. You never deserved to be treated that way!! You are so loved from the Saviors Atonement. He died and battled all this for you individually already. He thought of your very name and all your trials. All this pain and deciept will die because of Him. The Savior is much BIGGER than all of this. We live because of the Saviors Atonement. I learned last year after 28 years of marriage my spouses pornography addiction. We both decided to move on and divorce. It is the only realistic choice. My spouse did 12 step last year except he won’t finish the work to help himself. No one can do it alone. He kept getting privacy settings on his phone saying I don’t know what that is. This is the best choice for us.
One great book, Pete Walker's, "PTSD From Surviving to Thriving". It is a dense resource, excellent resource for myself. Once i figured things out, i became embarrassed, shameful and humiliated- "why did this happen to me". My new journey has been rewiring my thinking. It is painful but valuable work. It is a process to relearn how to trust yourself and people.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am a betrayed man, husband . I helped to create what happened 100% - I relive the day the gps tracker I put on my wife’s car everyday for the last 14 months- VIDEOS LIKE THIS ARE VERY HELPFUL TO THOSE OF US WHO CANT AFFORD HELP- God Bless you both
I have cptsd and my husband has been calling my two sisters discussing me. I am beyond hurt..they say they love him like a brother…give me a BREAK! He is verbally abusing me, they know it and shun me and stand behind him.
I was betrayed by an employer I’d worked for in an executive role for over 12 years. Bullied under guise of “performance management”, gaslit and finally terminated once they’d completely broken me down, all for expressing a different opinion on an insane policy. Devastatingly traumatic. Lost my career, home and mental health
My ex did not make me feel the craziest. The people who were manipulated by his influence and hypocrisy made me feel the craziest. Once I found out about his infidelity. I was woke. The people I thought were close to me made me feel the craziest and tried to put me back to sleep. The breaths of fresh air were people who were not hypnotized by his influence and pushed me to heal as an individual and a person. Ovation and Applause for them.
My husband used to message people all the time and keep all his friends from me, If I asked about who he was messaging he would say I was stiffling so I stopped asking. He would ask me places and then pretty much ignore me when we got there. I always felt guilty for asking him to consider me because he acted like a victim, all this killed my sex drive and I blamed myself for everything his affairs the lot because of my lack of sex drive. But now I am starting to see it was his abuse and neglect that caused my sex drive to plummet and he didn't care enough about me to try he just wanted a quick fix from other sources
Wow, when you talked about the EMDR, it made me understand the reason why I would feel so stressed whenever my ex would be on his phone texting. Because I caught him texting other girls so often, whenever he would pick up his phone, I would feel instantly anxious and sick to my stomach and it could just be his daughter or a friend but it was a constant stressor. Or whenever he would go anywhere or not answer his phone when I called. And he was constantly lying, so the clock never got reset as far as our trust. I would try to trust him, then it would happen again and I would have to start over. Now he left me for someone else.
So sorry to hear that. Him leaving was probably the best thing for you. A treasure in disguise. Talk to a psychologist to try to heal from the pain. There are still good people out there. God bless you🙏
The longer you are with an abusive neglectful person, the harder to recover. Get into a group and find some trusted friends. Nurture yourself and give it the time you need. 😊
I went through this and didn’t realize it at the time (that it had a name). I immediately got into another relationship where it happened worse and more frequently. I’m thankful to finally realize what was going on with my mental state of mind. This has been over the last 6-7 years of my life. Super unfortunate it took me this long to learn about this. Thank you so much for sharing!!
Many don’t realize it has a name which is why I’m so passionate about educating everyone on it. And you’re not alone, which is why I hold monthly live betrayed partner workshops to help others find support and safety to share their stories.
@@angiesnipes7443 hi. There are a lot of free resources on my website including a free community. There are also free resources on websites like WeTonglen and sexandrelationshiphealing.com There might also be free support in an appropriate 12 Step program
What is most jarring and unsettling for me is that he is that he is basically 2 different people depending where he is and who he's with. When he wants to be he is the most charming, charismatic, romantic man in the world! Everyone we know loves him and thinks he's the best guy ever. I'm the only one who really knows his dark side. Because we have children I am very reluctant to complain or speak against him to any of our friends or family because I don't want to hurt my children so I'm living in a prison. I am simultaneously suffering from his mistreatment while doing my best to preserve his reputation in our community. It's technically been a year since I last CAUGHT him acting out but that doesn't mean anything. He could have acted out a dozen times in the last year and I just haven't found out yet. That's the nightmare I live with.
I was diagnosed bpd . My ex was living a whole different life then what I knew. When I found out he left me for her. Leaving me with two kids and picking my life back up. I really think it was all I was dealing with him. I definitely have ptsd from that relationship. It’s getting better with time.
My story is crazy… It started in 2016. My partner met a new woman. He kept it a secret, but I was suspicious. When confronted, he admitted it but then told me it was over. I had our second child a year later. In that time up until this year, he was still seeing this other woman. In 2019 after multiple times finding evidence, I told him to leave. He left, but slowly started making his way back. Needing to work on the house or to see the kids etc. suddenly he was back and we fell back into our routine. I suggested counseling, date nights -not interested. FF to this year, he now has another girlfriend and I he admitted to using drugs. We are finally separated. So glad I found this channel. Wish I had found it sooner though. I have severe PTSD from years of lies and gaslighting.
In psychological terms, what you are explaining is the physical effects and the physical conditions for which people under attack are going to feel all throughout the body, the survival instinct is triggered and therefore harder to get control of the body. Just like two animals fighting, the deceiver must be put on a huge spotlight to reflect their actions and deal with the effects of intoxicating their bodies by being unfolded. Intimacy disorders that is such great topic, once you uncover the deceiver’s insecurities that they so hard try to hide, you’ll learn there’s deep trauma and anger behind it and all these reasons led to them being compulsive. Whether it is sex addiction or other byproducts of the self. There’s really no time frame, it’s set by the work put in. I might even feel in danger for putting someone so in the spotlight, praying they won’t take your life away. Like.. I’m protected and I don’t want that person around. (Restrictions!) now, how to refocus on someone that is not a narcissist? That is not a deceiver? Personality traits and background information, all of that.
Exactly! I deserve every question answered! I deserve 100 transparency 100 Honesty and absolutely no more secrets and shitty attitude. The lying!!! The outright gaslighting in front of church members, going to church throughout, even in counseling!!!! I was made the crazy can’t get over your childhood sexual abuse wife with an inability to regulate emotionally. No one has ever hurt me so badly and still has the nerve to have a victim mindset and a 12 year old temper. He has no clue what he continues to do by not having remorse or empathy. I feel shattered!
What hurts and damages the most is those who know you and trust you don't believe you because they are under the control of the abuser.Even when you have written proof
You have to ask yourself that question. What kind of boundaries and consequences are you willing to set and hold if your partner refuses to be honest and transparent about his/her transgressions. It’s an accountability and safety/trust building issue that’s usually required for healing and recovery.
“You don’t need to know.....” that ladies statement was not ok. You need to know whatever it is that you want to know...... -it was the woman w short blonde hair 😡
Dated for 6 months. I was in love. Found out he’s addicted to porn. So many things made sense when I found out. The sad part he’s a minister and told me I could trust him and he’d never hurt me. I trust nobody now. It really has been difficult, I’m worth so much more. Now I’ve changed church. He texted last night and now he’s on my mind 24/7 😢
Wow. You put all my feelings into words, this was such a safe space to learn about myself. Thank you. Today found out my boyfriend cheated on me last year, three times drunk at different parties and I had no idea. He would preach the importance of communication and trust. I thought he was so extremely honest and we had such a healthy relationship, or so I thought. We would communicate everything, whenever something was wrong we’d talk it through and deal with it together. But I just never knew this happened and I am just so extremely upset, but I still love him. Am I dumb for still wanting to make it work? Even though I am absolutely furious?
You should watch a few more of my videos on betrayal trauma to better understand my general response to your final questions. Obviously as a therapist I believe people can change with the right amount of humility, accountability, and willingness. I can never be the one who could gauge what’s appropriate or the healthiest step forward for you and your partner. That’s probably up to you and him and often people will engage a support network and/or therapist to help them with discernment.
The betrayals ive suffered no longer rule my life (it took years to overcome). However, if i spend time remembering any of them, i can feel that sick gut wrenching feeling from decades ago. Therefore, this will be the last time i will comment on this issue.
5 years towards healing in my case. My ex only told me a couple of years ago that the 'one or two affairs' were more like zillions. He is choosing not to recover - ran off with our marriage guidance counselor - talk about shame and betrayal. I also lost our oldest daughter to suicide a few months after he left, and he refuses to face the truth about her issues and his family's long history of mental illness. It's complex, EMDR has helped, my other kid is transgender and we live in Kansas right now, where all the anti-transgender laws are being passed. Honestly I feel like somebody is trying to wipe me and mine out.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’ve faced so much betrayal, loss, hurt, and uncertainty in the past years. I hope you’ve been able to find a supportive group somewhere like WeTonglen or SexandRelationshipHealing.com so you don’t have to process and heal from this alone. Thank you for watching my videos. I hope they’ve been helpful to you on this healing journey. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure so much.
My only child passed away April 27 2021. Of an asthma attack at only 22 years. And after 18 years of marriage he started cheating on me right after she passed away. He left me last July. And no matter what i do i can't get over the betrayal and how cold and cruel he was to me after she passed away.
That’s is so devastating on so many fronts. I’m sorry. I hope you’ve been able to find a safe betrayed partners group where you can process your grief, loss and betrayal. I have a betrayed partners group that starting in April that you’re welcome to join. Also, you may appreciate David Kessler work on grief and loss. He lost a child when he was 21.
My partner of 6 years secretly married someone else. I found out via social media even though he tried to hide it…and after breaking up with him I learned he’s been with her for at least 5 years. He’s been lying to me and ghosting me while also acting sweet, loving, kind…taking me on vacations, hanging with my family, saying all the right things…and even taking me out AFTER he married her! I’m so traumatized and angry. I loved and trusted him. In a span of 36 hours I discovered the truth and broke up with him and instantly he just disappeared. It’s the craziest thing- how does one get closure? How can I get closure and heal and move on after this severe betrayal trauma?
I just purchased the book blind to betrayal. Thanks for bringing that book up because that's exactly what I have always done in childhood and in adult relationship. I deny.
The thing is so many are addicted to something in this day and age. Sugar, caffeine, overwork, power...it can come in many different forms. I've been looking for a health team yet so far I can't find people who have truly found the health-wealth-happiness balance. It's totally disappointing and discouraging. Just gotta keep going.
If you forgive a cheater and take them back it just tells the cheater that your a doormat and they just do it again and again. I have made the mistake of trying to trust again with different partners over the years and so far once a cheater always a cheater is 100% true.
Requesting you might direct me towards resources towards recovering from a myriad of betrayals. Started with a divorce after 3 years and three different marriage councilors, all of which pulled me aside and encouraged me to draw a line and stop taking the multitudes of accusations, ie,... you do this, fix it, you do that, fix it,... and on and on. I felt I should just stay with the challenge and stay committed to vows and draw strength from my very strong belief in keeping my word and accepting that “it only takes one of the partnership to stay open and committed to truth and honestly put it all out there with respect and acceptance. Then the two parties will stay together with love and respect, or part with at least respect and in the spirit of love/living kindness/acceptance and optimism. Then she moved out and back in 3 times over a couple of years, then finally filed for divorce. It was a “collaborative” divorce, her direction. She led the all female team down many “suspect the man” avenues, wasted 13 months and tons of money. I was just dragged around each stop on the “this is what males do during divorce” circuit. I never did any of all their standard profiling baloney, in fact, I even split assets that were 100% mine prior to marriage. I told myself then that it was all in a spirit of generosity and thinking of the mother of my kids having a bigger cushion while starting out her single life. Wishing 2 years she spent 8 months trying to get back together, running off any woman that I would date, creating gossip and rumors,.. finally after she cleared the deck, I started to let her back in as I was impressed with her commitment to get back together. Day one, she bailed again and just flippantly commented that she “wasn’t thinking straight”. Then more crazy making,.. that I had been having affairs with the maid, (untrue,). with a mutual female friend,(also untrue- in fact that woman was outraged that I would not sleep with her after she came on to me!! And that same woman told my ex years after divorce that I had always been trying to sleep with her). Years go on, after 11 years being divorced she and the lead mean girls of this posse, (now in their LATE FORTIES!) put out a tale that I sexually assaulted my ex!!! I heard reports of my former group blatantly calling me a rapist. It was soul crushing- but I just carried the pain and tried to let the craziness roll off my back.... and was successful for some time. But as time went on,.. so many others swallowed the story that I am now comply ostracized not only socially as well as my relationship with my family of origin, (they are still in continual contact with my ex) but it has ruined my livelihood as a contractor. I’ve suffered nasty depressions, horrible financial hardship, and am now homeless. My kids are now 17 and 19 and love, respect me for the person they know me to be, the person that raised them through all the years of my ex’s hidden agenda. They have always been the dearest people on the planet to me, and we have amazingly healthy and mutually respectful relationships. I keep doing “the right thing”, but I’m drowning here and have been for a good while. My other family and lifelong peers, and shorter term friends have taken to flying a new banner: “prescription drug abuse”. (Crushed vertebrae from ski crash- the most effective repair guaranteed opiate pain management for life- or until medicine advances far enough to get all the repaired bones and bone glue away from major nerves at the spine.) It is based on absolutely nothing but the need to assign a reason/cause for why such a strong, skilled, hardworking man is homeless. I have invited each person that brings this “concern” to visit my doctors (pain, neurologist, psychologist that I see sometimes when the weight gets too heavy). No one will ever accept my invitations. I’ve reached out repeatedly to friends and family stating it is honesty and some semblance of a tie with people I know and trust that can help me out of this pickle,... they back-pedal. People will try and throw money at me but without any words, without and ears, with no goal to understand. So betrayal,...? Yep, loads of it: everywhere except my two beautiful kids. So the question: where to look for a path to heal up when all friends and family abandon you due to lies and rumor mills? Thanks for reading !
this basically explains how i feel but instead of a partner it was my biological dad. and as a result i don’t understand how to communicate with my stepdad because i don’t know what a normal relationship is supposed to look like and i feel as tho nobody could’ve loved me as much as he did and he didn’t love me so therefore nobody can love me and i cannot love anybody in fear that they will leave me. pain 💯
I felt it right now.... I was being stuck because of him... I still can't move on...I have nothing to talk to...I cried always everytime I think about how he betray me
People love to say that they knew. They “knew” because the cheater may have been more open around them or they just thought you should have known. People need to just stop it. You’re not looking at the relationship from the Betrayed viewpoint. If you ask them, they lie and say no, I’m not cheating. Then, what??? A lot of what people say intimates that it’s YOUR FAULT they are cheating or you should have known. I’m just not in the mood for such ignorance from know it alls
There are a lot of people that feel that way. I’d encourage you to check out the support groups at sexandrelationshiphealing.com. A betrayed partners group may help you get unstuck.
Humans want to connect and to trust as part of their social makeup. Broken trust with those we are emotionally attached to often comes with the confusion associated with the verification process we go through when we aren't sure about something because the information is limited. When your trusted sources of verification are lying to you ... it messes with your basic understanding. Eventually, it becomes about learning to trust the self again.
What is sex??: Think about it. World health organizations definition: Sexual health is a state of physical, mental, and social well being in relation to sexuality. It requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationship as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. Real sex is 100% consensual. Mainstream porn is the opposite of this. We need to stop calling an addiction to pornography a sex addiction. Mainstream pornography is sexualized violence against women. So we need to start calling it what it is. An addiction to VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN. If men(women) were addicted to what sex really is we would not even be having this discussion.
Mt husband asked for a divorce and within a week I found out he has been in a relationship with my brothers ex wife for months. I am sick, throwing up constantly and horrible GI issues. My mind is a mess. My kid is a mess (15). Our entire family is shocked on both sides. It is the ultimate betrayal and i can't believe he is still trying to lie to me when I KNOW the truth. I won't be gaslit anymore.
@KristinSnowden Thank you, I am doing a lot better now. Serving him divorce papers, and taking care of business. Definitely meditation and physical exercise are helping greatly. Changing the mindset from victim to I am free has also been life changing.
My expartner has been in AA for 30years and I seriously believe he is a sex addict. So I think he isnt truly working his program as to all the abuse he has put me through without any concern for my wellbeing and the trauma he's caused me. We were in and out of relationshit for 10years with his ongoing betrayal of me all while he was gaslighting me. He was very cleaver as he had me dependent upon him financially which kept me in check. Its been 2 years since this occurred and I am still in pain.
What if the betrayer left with the other woman as if our relationship never existed? My intuition is gone. I use to be very intuitive and now I can’t seem feel anything it even make decisions . I’m blind and lost without my intuition. What they do is so awful that all you think about is to see them go through the same .
That's on him. Those are his issues and his problems. Not yours. Don't take them on. It's not about you. Even if he said it was (projection), it wasnt. He looked for things to be wrong, rewrote history, to justify his wrong actions. Bottom line. It wasn't about you. [Giving you a virtual hug.]
Hi. I’m sorry I offended you. And I’m sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure as a betrayed spouse. I was doing a live webinar where most, if not all, of the attendees were females. But I definitely try to assert as often as I can that betrayal is never gender specific. It happens to husbands and wives, alike.
I am with Brendon on this. Some good info here, but Men are often put off from seeking good information as the vast majority is produced by women for women with men as the abuser. Men suffer equally, but the effects are different and how others view and judge his pain are quite different.
Gentlemen, please know my heart genuinely goes out to you and all the pain you’ve had to endure. I completely agree with all of you that there is still gender bias when it comes to betrayal in marriage. I will try to be better at improving my use my pronouns and gender references. In the meantime, please know that there is a MENS ONLY BETRAYED PARTNER GROUP Right now it is offered on Tuesday nights. sexandrelationshiphealing.com/your-own-sexual-behavior/weekly-webinars/
Unfortunately, a partner can be someone who is a liar and/or a narcissist, alcoholic, addict, etc It is important for the victim and the perpetrator to have separate counsellors who are able to address complex issues. EMDR -Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing is very useful to deal with trauma rather than wait for life circumstances to rip off the band aide. Tapping can also be useful. Couples counselling alone is often NOT a good option. This kind of trauma often happens in a relationship where there are very complex issues rather than a one time sexual encounter. Telling lies repeatedly is a pattern of behavior that is manipulative and because it works well for someone it can persist for humans. Humans who have various complex issues to resolve require different therapies than someone who has been victimised by another. Both children and adults can blame themselves. Adults who choose to take responsibility for personal mental health will do so for themselves for a consistent period of time with or without a partner. Shame and responsibility separately are very complex matters. Safety with self is very key to rebuilding trust with or without a partner. Healthy self-trust has been attacked and damaged in betrayal trauma and involves a form of brainwashing. It is complex because it involves boundary violations with a trusted person and these boundaries can be seen on many levels, emotional, physical, ethical, spiritual, financial and so on. It becomes unsafe to trust self without having a solid attachment to self-trust. Victims need to relearn to trust the self. Therapists need to understand this very basic rule and not ever assume they must be trusted based upon a title or a degree. Tools that can be used by the client with or without the therapist are very beneficial. EMDR is excellent because it is a guided process that enables the victim to regain a sense of control without expending long periods of time rehashing painful experiences with someone else. Writing can also be useful and can include templates and questions. The time for sharing can be up to the client and can be part of personal rediscovery. It is also helpful to address issues as being part of an individual rather than as a specific issue. Responsibility and ownership can contain a great deal more than shame and need not contain shame at all as a signal of wellness and wholeness. Theft is a form of boundary crossing and is a great word for therapeutic use. Naming what has been stolen and misused can generate space between what has been stolen and self-identity. Keep in mind that core self can be vulnerable and somewhat youthful in many ways. Humans need to regain control and re-establish responsibility through exercising personal parental boundaries within themselves. Role playing is also beneficial. Psychologists and psychiatrist are only beginning to understand emotions and neurology and mental processing. Thank you for sharing and shedding a bit more light on this important topic. I believe humility must be a key part of helping others to recover in order to guide and teach with compassion and wisdom.
Don’t go back to a partner capable of lying, cheating, and gaslighting you. We’re just going back to more of the same. And they get better at sneaking around. Get out and get very good therapy with a trauma informed therapist.
I never knew how much that discovering porn three years ago would affect me. It was bad enough that I already had CPTSD from my past abuse. This and other triangulations, added to my trust and Anxiety issues. He on the other hand thought I was overreacting, jealous and insecure.
Repeated behaviour happened too, the couple therapist saw him for one single session and brought me in for five minutes and said - oh he is not addicted, not a problem. Just check devises. I did, found more and he denied it, then hid it. Lies lies lies.
Those two subjects arent really my forte so I don’t have a lot of info on those two topics. What are you looking for on those topics? How to heal from child abuse or spousal abuse?
Sometimes our discussions are focused on people who need to heal regardless of their partner’s willingness to own what they’ve done and how they’ve harmed. Other discussions do explore the idea that a betraying partner may be someone who who is willing to work on the relationship, change, and improve on the mistakes made.
Are you asking me that question? Most of the couples or individuals I work with have a history of verbal and psychological abuse present in their relationships. Physical abuse is less often (obviously) present or reported. What do you mean how do I weed that out? Are you asking how do I know it’s present in the relationship, short of them reporting it directly to me?
I feel like this is me, maybe this is what I’m going through. I’ve been dealing with my spouse with ptsd who confessed to me he has been hiding being a full blown alcoholic. Now he is sober on many meds & he is not the same person. I do feel betrayal, that my whole relationship was fake cuz apparently he was drinking all day to function. How the hell did he did do that without me figure it out..I feel dumb & lied too. Is this it? I’m the one raising our 3 kids & have been stressed in this marriage for awhile, & feel like a weight is on me ..Sadly I’ve been use to this for awhile
Do you have a video or can you maybe comment about the feeling of guilt? I mean that the betrayed person feels guilty for being betrayed? I carried a lot of guilt and shame with me because of the betrayal and I sometimes I still wonder "what have I done to be so unlovebable to deserve that"? What is my part in this whole story? I really want to clean my side of the street :-)
What book do u recommend the most for betrayal trauma? We have 4 kids and are focusing on my husbands recovery and can’t afford to get the help I need?
I would recommend you explore my channel, sexandrelationshiphealing.com, WeTonglen, and Prodependence anonymous. Those are all free resources. Here’s a book list but it hasn’t been updated in a while www.kristinsnowden.com/recommendedreadinglist
Amazing, eye opening video. Thank you Kristen ❤ Does anyone recommend an online therapist? Possibly through Better Help. My partner seems about 95% drug/alcohol addiction and 5% infidelity(while in addiction) Hes been in recovery for about 8 months and I'm showing major symptoms of trauma. Any advice appreciated 😊
alanon might be a good support system for you. I would make sure whoever does your therapy has speciality training and experience working with people who love addicts. Also there’s sexandrelarionshiphealing.com and WeTonglen. I hope that helps!
Gosh that is the million dollar question. Some would say no because you’re not on a reconciliation path with your partner. Others may say maybe, depending on a lot of contingencies. If you haven’t already done so I’d encourage you to go to sexandrelationshiphealing.com and look up all the resources for betrayed partners including the support groups. If you have a mental health professional I’d encourage you to explore what you’d hope to get from a disclosure and whether you could heal without “knowing” or getting confirmation from your former partner, etc. But that’s a tough one. One would need to know a lot more details to properly help you out with that one.
@@KristinSnowden thank you. I am printing now! I just found you yesterday and I know I did for a reason. I am on my healing path, but I've never been completely able to put words together.
Awesome. Happy to provide some helpful resources. Also, I’ll be launching my first live (soon) workshop at the end of this month in case that’s something you’d be interested in or would benefit from: www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1
Omg my last 31 yrs of my life and continuing!! I am really dying here no one seams to understand what I m going through no one can help I get told I need to have consistent prayer and scripture study I need to be more faithful in my callings and my church attendance I need to forgive and let it go I swear I feel that I m living in a nightmare and everyone is in on it I feel like I am in a Truman show I feel that death is the only way for me to live Please I live in so cal Where exactly are you?? I need help I beg of you answer
If you feel like you’re in any serious danger, call 911 or go to your nearest ER. There are many therapists and support groups out there who can help you? CoDa is a free program with groups everywhere. There is also sexandrelationshiohealing.com
No I am not in serious danger for me to call 911 I need someone that can help me understand all the things that are going through me because I am married to a porn addict Can you help me ? Do you take new patients? I live in the Northridge area you are in Westlake Village only 30 min away
Maybe SexandRelationshipHealing.com will have appropriate resources for you? Or 12 step meetings. My website, www.KristinSnowden.com also has a ton of free resources and I just wrote a new book www.amazon.com/Life-Steps-Heal-Transform-Your/dp/B08PX79RPT/ref=nodl_
Yes. I would agree that many times betrayed partners mistakenly get diagnosed as BPD, when clinician aren’t aware of their toxic, gaslighting and abusive environments that they live in (and those they’re living with)
I've betrayed my wife for several years, just like all the stories I've been reading below. I was telling her she was dumb for thinking or accusing me of such things. Fast forward 18 months after I came out clean about everything. I've given her access to everything my passwords/track my phone answered all her questions in therapy. My question is can we move forward and have a fully healthy relationship or will we always be living under this shadow. Will she eventually put everything behind or be 60 years old and still be bringing up the betrayal. I hate for both of us to waste our lives, for her living in fear and me getting upset in the future for still being reminded. I just wish I could go back in time and stop myself for causing her this pain. I see so many comments from different forums how no one will ever fully get over your betrayal. Can people be honest if this is true
George Martinez hi George. I know it takes a lot of courage to post that question to everyone. I’d encourage both you and your wife to read Rob Weiss’ book Out of the Doghouse and find a professional who specializes in sex addiction and/or betrayal trauma. I hope you both can find healing in this process but it will be a very long road for both of you. There are also twelve step groups you can join for support on your end. SAA perhaps.
I think it would be very healing to make it a point to sit with her, hug her and above all empathize with her when she gets triggered. Be patient, it’s harmful to her recovery to respond to her triggering in an impatient and dismissive way. Think how you would feel if the tables were turned. Unconditional love and compassion are the keys to healing your wife, and your relationship.
Thank you George!!!! I needed your message today! I need this type of therapy and going to start next week. But I needed to hear that there's fear of it being brought up over and over. I want to trust my husband is being true to me now. I want to break the chains and heal together. I love him.
You are evil...it sounds you are boastful about your affairs but between you and God...you damaged and totally destroyed her. Your marriage will NEVER be the same
The book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der kolk helps you understand how the body is impacted by trauma. But you should definitely see a dr if you’re suffering physical symptoms.
I know I'm late to this comment but I'm scrolling through for help or advice or just experiences from others at this point and this one right here hits home. I'm going through the same thing. Hair is falling out in chunks. This is just one symptom of the whole ordeal but after a betrayed person takes the immense hit of an affair and our self confidence has basically died... on top of it, we lose hair 😥 Makes me feel horrible about myself. I wasn't enough before, clearly, and now I'm going to be even worse. Don't even want to look at myself. I hope since you made this comment 6 months ago, things have improved for you and you've found some peace 💗
What happens when you try to have a heart to heart with the addict and they gas light you but never confess to the infidelity and you just discover they continue the affair or contact .
What about gaslighting and appeasing saying they will Change and will be intimate. Living in a sexless marriage you also feel Betrayed. Lying saying they will go see a therapist or sex therapist. 20 years have gone by and I feel like a shell of myself. I am depressed and full of anxiety. If I did more loving Things he would would physically love me and not emotionally neglect me.
That is very difficult. And I realize the desire to connect the dots, validate that you did have good instincts and really KNOW what was happening behind your back. Sometimes I have clients write out a timeline of behaviors and things they saw or experienced that just didn’t make sense. Arguments that were confusing to them. Behaviors and choices by their partner that didn’t make sense. StraNge explanations for things that didn’t make sense. And see if any dots can be put together that way…any “educated guesses” can be made.
I am going through same but now my husband who was cheating or is still cheating tells me that it was the girl who was really inviting so he fell over honey trap during my absence it's nothing emotional just physical. And somewhere I do want to believe him cause this girl who is known commonly would always talk negative about my husband and provoke to leave him as he is not suitable for me while she was sleeping with him. Now I am so confused as he says he cannot live without me.
My live in girlfriend was taking small amounts of money from my back account for months I would have trusted her with my life so I feel so betrayed when I eventually found out it's a horrible sick feeling inside. I will confront her in a day or two I just need breathing space to gather my thoughts but it seems like the relationship is over how am I suppposed to trust her in my life anymore ?
When I do most of these live webinars it’s with a website called SexandRelationshipHealing.com so the focus is on relational crisis. What specifically is missing that you’d like more info on?
What about betrayal trauma by a parent / guardian / caregiver in childhood? Betrayal Blindness occurs by children and other family members when parents are the betrayers.
![Is it Because of Me? [Healing From Betrayal Trauma]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/g_vvxaHHDVw/mqdefault.jpg)
"I'm always going to be this angry betrayed person"...that's how I feel.
Don't let it consume you. Please!!!
💯
This is me currently. Have you healed? Is there hope for me?
@@mollymuriithi922 I was this person too
But i grieved alot then I decided to forgive them in my mind not coz they deserve forgiveness but bcz I deserve peace ! Letting go is hard but the best part
@@Godddd144 thank you for the encouragement 🫂🫂🫂
The lies and gaslighting literally broke my spirit. He really made me think I was crazy. Was a living hell. Couldn’t move could leave the house wanted to die. He’d made me hate myself so he could do whatever he wanted without any consequences. Two years after leaving I’m still really easily triggered, and have a very real fear of seeing him or hearing anything about him.
Me too, it was worse as he knew I was struggling with CPTSD from my ex narcissist and he just labeled me as jealous and insecure.
Sometimes people are so selfish & posessed by unclean spirits that they don't see the extent of pain they cause
How are you doing now?
They make out your "crazy" but they are just betraying you to the maximum degree possible, and gaslighting you every step of the way.
Damn I couldn’t agree with you more
Fucking hell fucking hell it's so true
This is so apt.
Experienced betrayal trauma. The lies, guilt tripping, and gaslighting were on overload. I felt all kinds of body pain, emotionally out of wack, and shame ridden in my marriage. I had to end the marriage and been getting counseling for a long time. It has helped me really understand I was in an unsafe / toxic relationship. I'm still in recovery and healing from that past in my life.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Good for you.. you made the right decision.
So many victims of betrayal trauma are experiencing emotional abuse. Only boundaries will help them get to safety. Thank you for raising awareness!
This had validated everything ive been feeling. And my husband literally says why can't you get over it. It's only been a few months since the last lie that I know of. When I ask questions for reassurance I get that I'm crazy and its stupid. I get laughed at when I call it PTSD. This man has done so much. 😥
dburchett22 exact same story. I am with you
Crime and Mystery with Danielle B you are not alone. 40+ affairs over 13 yrs but I was depressed. Why can’t I be strong, why can’t I get over him having sex in our family RV....you are not alone.
There are supportive online groups for all of you who struggle with betrayal at Sexandrelationshiphealing.com (go to interactive webinars)
Crime and Mystery with Danielle B omg I know how you feel!! I am so sorry
This just sucks
I am hurting myself so much that I m paralyzed with fear or doing anything making any decision throws me in a fisical sickness and mental anguish that I often think of killing my self so I can get out of this hell and be free
I need help I am so broken
That's me 🤧. I'm a wreck it created so much damage for me I know I need to heal but i don't know how to do it without going off. I keep it bottled but I'm dying inside
As a therapist myself who has experienced extreme betrayal trauma I find that most of what you are saying is true and helpful. However, I think it's retraumatizing the victim by telling them that they need to "appropriately" respond to their triggers. Obviously physical violence is unacceptable but to expect the betrayed to approach their partner in a vulnerable way to communicate their pain is unrealistic and shaming in itself. If there is no trust then there is no trust in the partner's ability to hold my pain, see it for what it is, and respond appropriately. If I am triggered the way I handle it is up to me; it does not have to come in a pretty little box and given with clarity. Also, to insinuate that the details "bra size" of the betrayal is unimportant is not for anyone else to determine. That is my decision; what details I need to make sense of my life or experience is mine alone and I am allowed to ask for those, regardless.
I am grateful that you’re willing to share your insight and experience here with me and the community. Thank you.
I agree. Full disclosure isn't always the answer. It's not for me. Who cares about their details. I'm secure...
Well Said. I’ve heard people say that you shouldn’t blame the AP because your husband let her in. I say you’ve got the right to blame whoever you deem responsible
I agree with you. Thank you
Completely agree AL I was once asked if I am in control of myself or if my husband is bc I had an emotional reaction to his constantly looking at other women and it rubbed me the complete wrong way and I’m return I got “he’s the addict” completely invalidated me. I didn’t make a scene, I got quiet, shut down and didn’t speak but later anxiety got the best of me and I was crying a lot. I feel my reaction was normal 🤷🏻♀️
I've been betrayed by many people. My mother, husband, friends, coworkers, sister in laws, church members. They will wreck your physical health. I had to distance myself from most of them and set boundaries with the ones I still have to deal with. I quit my job and left my childhood church that I was raising my children in as well. When my oldest child got their driver's license they took their younger siblings to another church. I was not able physically from years of betrayal my body shutdown. I was bedridden and couldn't walk. Diagnosis was irritable bowel syndrome and pelvic floor pain syndrome. I was undiagnosed for a year with the pelvic muscle tightness and pain. Once I got a diagnosis I had multiple cycles of physical therapy for some relief. I stayed with my husband and we worked out our problems. The others I distance myself as much as possible. I'm so thankful for my oldest child taking on the man of the family and lead his siblings. God is Good! I had a family member call me back when I was having so many health problems that told me my mother was jealous of me and my accomplishments. After listening to this family member tell me many times in my childhood that never made sense, well it started to make sense as a grown woman. I then had other people tell me that my co-workers were jealous and had a click to take me down. They were jealous of the hard work I put into my job. Betrayal is destruction on the body physically. Once you have knowledge of betrayal get help or get out before it's to late. 🙏
If you are struggling with these things, something helpful is to read "Why Does He Do That?" Its a free book online and pure gold
For sure I had betrayal blindness when I first found out. Looks like we do the same kind of work. So glad to see there are so many of us out there to help people through this.
I gave up a great guy I met when my husband ran off with a coworker to have him come back and force me to give up the guy, only for him to keep seeing the girl for almost a year afterward (I didn't know it). It caused years of lies and betrayal. I was so blind and in denial that he was still seeing her. So much trauma from his lies and shame, the guilt of not choosing a healthy partner.
Eva Wright
I’m so sorry he did that to you. You never deserved to be treated that way!! You are so loved from the Saviors Atonement. He died and battled all this for you individually already. He thought of your very name and all your trials. All this pain and deciept will die because of Him. The Savior is much BIGGER than all of this. We live because of the Saviors Atonement.
I learned last year after 28 years of marriage my spouses pornography addiction. We both decided to move on and divorce. It is the only realistic choice. My spouse did 12 step last year except he won’t finish the work to help himself. No one can do it alone. He kept getting privacy settings on his phone saying I don’t know what that is.
This is the best choice for us.
I had a narcissist like that
Indefinitely, You are allowed to leave , but the bible says you have to remain unmarried. Only to marry if your husband passes away
oh its Ptsd alright. That's for damn sure
One great book, Pete Walker's, "PTSD From Surviving to Thriving". It is a dense resource, excellent resource for myself.
Once i figured things out, i became embarrassed, shameful and humiliated- "why did this happen to me". My new journey has been rewiring my thinking. It is painful but valuable work. It is a process to relearn how to trust yourself and people.
Thank you for sharing this
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am a betrayed man, husband . I helped to create what happened 100% - I relive the day the gps tracker I put on my wife’s car everyday for the last 14 months- VIDEOS LIKE THIS ARE VERY HELPFUL TO THOSE OF US WHO CANT AFFORD HELP- God Bless you both
I have cptsd and my husband has been calling my two sisters discussing me. I am beyond hurt..they say they love him like a brother…give me a BREAK! He is verbally abusing me, they know it and shun me and stand behind him.
I was betrayed by an employer I’d worked for in an executive role for over 12 years. Bullied under guise of “performance management”, gaslit and finally terminated once they’d completely broken me down, all for expressing a different opinion on an insane policy. Devastatingly traumatic. Lost my career, home and mental health
My ex did not make me feel the craziest. The people who were manipulated by his influence and hypocrisy made me feel the craziest. Once I found out about his infidelity. I was woke. The people I thought were close to me made me feel the craziest and tried to put me back to sleep. The breaths of fresh air were people who were not hypnotized by his influence and pushed me to heal as an individual and a person. Ovation and Applause for them.
My husband used to message people all the time and keep all his friends from me, If I asked about who he was messaging he would say I was stiffling so I stopped asking. He would ask me places and then pretty much ignore me when we got there. I always felt guilty for asking him to consider me because he acted like a victim, all this killed my sex drive and I blamed myself for everything his affairs the lot because of my lack of sex drive. But now I am starting to see it was his abuse and neglect that caused my sex drive to plummet and he didn't care enough about me to try he just wanted a quick fix from other sources
Wow, when you talked about the EMDR, it made me understand the reason why I would feel so stressed whenever my ex would be on his phone texting. Because I caught him texting other girls so often, whenever he would pick up his phone, I would feel instantly anxious and sick to my stomach and it could just be his daughter or a friend but it was a constant stressor. Or whenever he would go anywhere or not answer his phone when I called. And he was constantly lying, so the clock never got reset as far as our trust. I would try to trust him, then it would happen again and I would have to start over. Now he left me for someone else.
Sad u never found the strength to leave him first!
So sorry to hear that. Him leaving was probably the best thing for you. A treasure in disguise. Talk to a psychologist to try to heal from the pain. There are still good people out there. God bless you🙏
Having the same feeling with the phone...such a trigger.
Same
Good riddance girl ♥️
The longer you are with an abusive neglectful person, the harder to recover. Get into a group and find some trusted friends. Nurture yourself and give it the time you need. 😊
Awesome! Looking forward to these. I found you by your gaslight video(s) and thought it was the best explanation ever of gaslighting.
I went through this and didn’t realize it at the time (that it had a name). I immediately got into another relationship where it happened worse and more frequently. I’m thankful to finally realize what was going on with my mental state of mind. This has been over the last 6-7 years of my life. Super unfortunate it took me this long to learn about this. Thank you so much for sharing!!
Many don’t realize it has a name which is why I’m so passionate about educating everyone on it. And you’re not alone, which is why I hold monthly live betrayed partner workshops to help others find support and safety to share their stories.
@@angiesnipes7443 hi. There are a lot of free resources on my website including a free community. There are also free resources on websites like WeTonglen and sexandrelationshiphealing.com There might also be free support in an appropriate 12 Step program
What is most jarring and unsettling for me is that he is that he is basically 2 different people depending where he is and who he's with. When he wants to be he is the most charming, charismatic, romantic man in the world! Everyone we know loves him and thinks he's the best guy ever. I'm the only one who really knows his dark side. Because we have children I am very reluctant to complain or speak against him to any of our friends or family because I don't want to hurt my children so I'm living in a prison. I am simultaneously suffering from his mistreatment while doing my best to preserve his reputation in our community. It's technically been a year since I last CAUGHT him acting out but that doesn't mean anything. He could have acted out a dozen times in the last year and I just haven't found out yet. That's the nightmare I live with.
So true. It’s the lies
I was diagnosed bpd . My ex was living a whole different life then what I knew. When I found out he left me for her. Leaving me with two kids and picking my life back up. I really think it was all I was dealing with him. I definitely have ptsd from that relationship. It’s getting better with time.
He was the one that I would always trust and believe:(
Kristin. Thank you so very much. Just thank you.
My story is crazy…
It started in 2016. My partner met a new woman. He kept it a secret, but I was suspicious. When confronted, he admitted it but then told me it was over. I had our second child a year later. In that time up until this year, he was still seeing this other woman. In 2019 after multiple times finding evidence, I told him to leave. He left, but slowly started making his way back. Needing to work on the house or to see the kids etc. suddenly he was back and we fell back into our routine. I suggested counseling, date nights -not interested. FF to this year, he now has another girlfriend and I he admitted to using drugs. We are finally separated. So glad I found this channel. Wish I had found it sooner though. I have severe PTSD from years of lies and gaslighting.
She tells the truth, my truth.
In psychological terms, what you are explaining is the physical effects and the physical conditions for which people under attack are going to feel all throughout the body, the survival instinct is triggered and therefore harder to get control of the body. Just like two animals fighting, the deceiver must be put on a huge spotlight to reflect their actions and deal with the effects of intoxicating their bodies by being unfolded. Intimacy disorders that is such great topic, once you uncover the deceiver’s insecurities that they so hard try to hide, you’ll learn there’s deep trauma and anger behind it and all these reasons led to them being compulsive. Whether it is sex addiction or other byproducts of the self. There’s really no time frame, it’s set by the work put in. I might even feel in danger for putting someone so in the spotlight, praying they won’t take your life away. Like.. I’m protected and I don’t want that person around. (Restrictions!) now, how to refocus on someone that is not a narcissist? That is not a deceiver? Personality traits and background information, all of that.
Exactly! I deserve every question answered! I deserve 100 transparency 100 Honesty and absolutely no more secrets and shitty attitude. The lying!!! The outright gaslighting in front of church members, going to church throughout, even in counseling!!!! I was made the crazy can’t get over your childhood sexual abuse wife with an inability to regulate emotionally. No one has ever hurt me so badly and still has the nerve to have a victim mindset and a 12 year old temper. He has no clue what he continues to do by not having remorse or empathy. I feel shattered!
What hurts and damages the most is those who know you and trust you don't believe you because they are under the control of the abuser.Even when you have written proof
Thanks for covering betrayal trauma for addiction. I've worked the 3rd shift made it easy for him to have a double life. Great video!
You have to ask yourself that question. What kind of boundaries and consequences are you willing to set and hold if your partner refuses to be honest and transparent about his/her transgressions. It’s an accountability and safety/trust building issue that’s usually required for healing and recovery.
It makes you give up on meeting and connecting with new people
“You don’t need to know.....” that ladies statement was not ok. You need to know whatever it is that you want to know...... -it was the woman w short blonde hair 😡
Excellent, thannk you.
Dated for 6 months. I was in love. Found out he’s addicted to porn. So many things made sense when I found out. The sad part he’s a minister and told me I could trust him and he’d never hurt me. I trust nobody now. It really has been difficult, I’m worth so much more. Now I’ve changed church. He texted last night and now he’s on my mind 24/7 😢
Wow. You put all my feelings into words, this was such a safe space to learn about myself. Thank you. Today found out my boyfriend cheated on me last year, three times drunk at different parties and I had no idea. He would preach the importance of communication and trust. I thought he was so extremely honest and we had such a healthy relationship, or so I thought. We would communicate everything, whenever something was wrong we’d talk it through and deal with it together. But I just never knew this happened and I am just so extremely upset, but I still love him. Am I dumb for still wanting to make it work? Even though I am absolutely furious?
You should watch a few more of my videos on betrayal trauma to better understand my general response to your final questions. Obviously as a therapist I believe people can change with the right amount of humility, accountability, and willingness. I can never be the one who could gauge what’s appropriate or the healthiest step forward for you and your partner. That’s probably up to you and him and often people will engage a support network and/or therapist to help them with discernment.
The betrayals ive suffered no longer rule my life (it took years to overcome). However, if i spend time remembering any of them, i can feel that sick gut wrenching feeling from decades ago. Therefore, this will be the last time i will comment on this issue.
Thank you for your share. Your healing journey and ability to move forward may inspire many.
Thank you. What you focus on goes the saying. I like your comment.
5 years towards healing in my case. My ex only told me a couple of years ago that the 'one or two affairs' were more like zillions. He is choosing not to recover - ran off with our marriage guidance counselor - talk about shame and betrayal. I also lost our oldest daughter to suicide a few months after he left, and he refuses to face the truth about her issues and his family's long history of mental illness. It's complex, EMDR has helped, my other kid is transgender and we live in Kansas right now, where all the anti-transgender laws are being passed. Honestly I feel like somebody is trying to wipe me and mine out.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’ve faced so much betrayal, loss, hurt, and uncertainty in the past years. I hope you’ve been able to find a supportive group somewhere like WeTonglen or SexandRelationshipHealing.com so you don’t have to process and heal from this alone. Thank you for watching my videos. I hope they’ve been helpful to you on this healing journey. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure so much.
My only child passed away April 27 2021. Of an asthma attack at only 22 years. And after 18 years of marriage he started cheating on me right after she passed away. He left me last July. And no matter what i do i can't get over the betrayal and how cold and cruel he was to me after she passed away.
That’s is so devastating on so many fronts. I’m sorry. I hope you’ve been able to find a safe betrayed partners group where you can process your grief, loss and betrayal. I have a betrayed partners group that starting in April that you’re welcome to join. Also, you may appreciate David Kessler work on grief and loss. He lost a child when he was 21.
I'm so sorry for what has happened to you! That's just devastating. I really hope you have someone to help you right now.
It is absolutely wrong that people know the guy is cheating and don’t tell you
Thank u so much for this, very helpful 🙏🏽💖
My partner of 6 years secretly married someone else. I found out via social media even though he tried to hide it…and after breaking up with him I learned he’s been with her for at least 5 years. He’s been lying to me and ghosting me while also acting sweet, loving, kind…taking me on vacations, hanging with my family, saying all the right things…and even taking me out AFTER he married her! I’m so traumatized and angry. I loved and trusted him. In a span of 36 hours I discovered the truth and broke up with him and instantly he just disappeared. It’s the craziest thing- how does one get closure? How can I get closure and heal and move on after this severe betrayal trauma?
Turn it over to God and surrender to Him
She is so young and idealistic.
I just purchased the book blind to betrayal. Thanks for bringing that book up because that's exactly what I have always done in childhood and in adult relationship. I deny.
You might like Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes too, then.
Thank you for the important message.
I'm borderline. I'm trying to heal betrayal trauma I've suffered from the mental health system.
The thing is so many are addicted to something in this day and age. Sugar, caffeine, overwork, power...it can come in many different forms. I've been looking for a health team yet so far I can't find people who have truly found the health-wealth-happiness balance. It's totally disappointing and discouraging. Just gotta keep going.
It happened to me like being hit by a ptsd train.
If you forgive a cheater and take them back it just tells the cheater that your a doormat and they just do it again and again. I have made the mistake of trying to trust again with different partners over the years and so far once a cheater always a cheater is 100% true.
Please don’t be true ...
Great video. You hit everything right on the head
Wow. Thank you. I have a ton of additional, free resources on my website kristinsnowden.com
Wow. Thank you. I have a ton of additional, free resources on my website kristinsnowden.com
Requesting you might direct me towards resources towards recovering from a myriad of betrayals. Started with a divorce after 3 years and three different marriage councilors, all of which pulled me aside and encouraged me to draw a line and stop taking the multitudes of accusations, ie,... you do this, fix it, you do that, fix it,... and on and on. I felt I should just stay with the challenge and stay committed to vows and draw strength from my very strong belief in keeping my word and accepting that “it only takes one of the partnership to stay open and committed to truth and honestly put it all out there with respect and acceptance. Then the two parties will stay together with love and respect, or part with at least respect and in the spirit of love/living kindness/acceptance and optimism. Then she moved out and back in 3 times over a couple of years, then finally filed for divorce. It was a “collaborative” divorce, her direction. She led the all female team down many “suspect the man” avenues, wasted 13 months and tons of money. I was just dragged around each stop on the “this is what males do during divorce” circuit. I never did any of all their standard profiling baloney, in fact, I even split assets that were 100% mine prior to marriage. I told myself then that it was all in a spirit of generosity and thinking of the mother of my kids having a bigger cushion while starting out her single life. Wishing 2 years she spent 8 months trying to get back together, running off any woman that I would date, creating gossip and rumors,.. finally after she cleared the deck, I started to let her back in as I was impressed with her commitment to get back together. Day one, she bailed again and just flippantly commented that she “wasn’t thinking straight”. Then more crazy making,.. that I had been having affairs with the maid, (untrue,). with a mutual female friend,(also untrue- in fact that woman was outraged that I would not sleep with her after she came on to me!! And that same woman told my ex years after divorce that I had always been trying to sleep with her). Years go on, after 11 years being divorced she and the lead mean girls of this posse, (now in their LATE FORTIES!) put out a tale that I sexually assaulted my ex!!! I heard reports of my former group blatantly calling me a rapist. It was soul crushing- but I just carried the pain and tried to let the craziness roll off my back.... and was successful for some time. But as time went on,.. so many others swallowed the story that I am now comply ostracized not only socially as well as my relationship with my family of origin, (they are still in continual contact with my ex) but it has ruined my livelihood as a contractor. I’ve suffered nasty depressions, horrible financial hardship, and am now homeless. My kids are now 17 and 19 and love, respect me for the person they know me to be, the person that raised them through all the years of my ex’s hidden agenda. They have always been the dearest people on the planet to me, and we have amazingly healthy and mutually respectful relationships. I keep doing “the right thing”, but I’m drowning here and have been for a good while. My other family and lifelong peers, and shorter term friends have taken to flying a new banner: “prescription drug abuse”. (Crushed vertebrae from ski crash- the most effective repair guaranteed opiate pain management for life- or until medicine advances far enough to get all the repaired bones and bone glue away from major nerves at the spine.) It is based on absolutely nothing but the need to assign a reason/cause for why such a strong, skilled, hardworking man is homeless. I have invited each person that brings this “concern” to visit my doctors (pain, neurologist, psychologist that I see sometimes when the weight gets too heavy). No one will ever accept my invitations. I’ve reached out repeatedly to friends and family stating it is honesty and some semblance of a tie with people I know and trust that can help me out of this pickle,... they back-pedal. People will try and throw money at me but without any words, without and ears, with no goal to understand. So betrayal,...? Yep, loads of it: everywhere except my two beautiful kids. So the question: where to look for a path to heal up when all friends and family abandon you due to lies and rumor mills? Thanks for reading !
sexandrelationshiphealing.com/blog/are-you-a-male-betrayed-partner-where-do-you-go-for-support/
this basically explains how i feel but instead of a partner it was my biological dad. and as a result i don’t understand how to communicate with my stepdad because i don’t know what a normal relationship is supposed to look like and i feel as tho nobody could’ve loved me as much as he did and he didn’t love me so therefore nobody can love me and i cannot love anybody in fear that they will leave me. pain 💯
Just subbed and thank you for the book reference. Going through this right now as we speak.
I was going through this I am not even aware
I felt it right now.... I was being stuck because of him... I still can't move on...I have nothing to talk to...I cried always everytime I think about how he betray me
Very informative.
People love to say that they knew. They “knew” because the cheater may have been more open around them or they just thought you should have known. People need to just stop it. You’re not looking at the relationship from the Betrayed viewpoint. If you ask them, they lie and say no, I’m not cheating. Then, what??? A lot of what people say intimates that it’s YOUR FAULT they are cheating or you should have known. I’m just not in the mood for such ignorance from know it alls
This my husband said I made him clear because I didn't give his enough attention.... I wasn't even a year PP yet and and 3 under 4 st the time...
You totally get this. Thank you for your work.
Thanks! Check out my newest sets of videos on betrayal trauma. One is still only on the TH-cam channel sex and relationship healing.
Thank you 🙏
I hate my husband and I can't forgive him I am stuck and I do know what to do!
There are a lot of people that feel that way. I’d encourage you to check out the support groups at sexandrelationshiphealing.com. A betrayed partners group may help you get unstuck.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️This means a lot.
THANK YOU GREAT VIDEO
Humans want to connect and to trust as part of their social makeup. Broken trust with those we are emotionally attached to often comes with the confusion associated with the verification process we go through when we aren't sure about something because the information is limited. When your trusted sources of verification are lying to you ... it messes with your basic understanding. Eventually, it becomes about learning to trust the self again.
Great summary and well said. Thank you for posting!!
What is sex??: Think about it. World health organizations definition: Sexual health is a state of physical, mental, and social well being in relation to sexuality. It requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationship as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. Real sex is 100% consensual. Mainstream porn is the opposite of this. We need to stop calling an addiction to pornography a sex addiction. Mainstream pornography is sexualized violence against women. So we need to start calling it what it is. An addiction to VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN. If men(women) were addicted to what sex really is we would not even be having this discussion.
Mt husband asked for a divorce and within a week I found out he has been in a relationship with my brothers ex wife for months. I am sick, throwing up constantly and horrible GI issues.
My mind is a mess. My kid is a mess (15). Our entire family is shocked on both sides. It is the ultimate betrayal and i can't believe he is still trying to lie to me when I KNOW the truth. I won't be gaslit anymore.
Be strong. Divorce him as fast as possible and be free.
@@dan-lansingmi9169 I'm on it!
I’m so sorry. So devastating. I hope you’re hanging in there during this difficult crisis.
@KristinSnowden Thank you, I am doing a lot better now. Serving him divorce papers, and taking care of business. Definitely meditation and physical exercise are helping greatly. Changing the mindset from victim to I am free has also been life changing.
My expartner has been in AA for 30years and I seriously believe he is a sex addict. So I think he isnt truly working his program as to all the abuse he has put me through without any concern for my wellbeing and the trauma he's caused me. We were in and out of relationshit for 10years with his ongoing betrayal of me all while he was gaslighting me. He was very cleaver as he had me dependent upon him financially which kept me in check. Its been 2 years since this occurred and I am still in pain.
pmgc I am so sorry. That sounds very similar to my situation. You are not alone
What if the betrayer left with the other woman as if our relationship never existed? My intuition is gone. I use to be very intuitive and now I can’t seem feel anything it even make decisions . I’m blind and lost without my intuition. What they do is so awful that all you think about is to see them go through the same .
That's on him. Those are his issues and his problems. Not yours. Don't take them on. It's not about you. Even if he said it was (projection), it wasnt. He looked for things to be wrong, rewrote history, to justify his wrong actions. Bottom line. It wasn't about you. [Giving you a virtual hug.]
I’m a betrayed husband. I wasn’t a fan of you saying all man doing it but good outlook!
Hi. I’m sorry I offended you. And I’m sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure as a betrayed spouse. I was doing a live webinar where most, if not all, of the attendees were females. But I definitely try to assert as often as I can that betrayal is never gender specific. It happens to husbands and wives, alike.
I am with Brendon on this. Some good info here, but Men are often put off from seeking good information as the vast majority is produced by women for women with men as the abuser. Men suffer equally, but the effects are different and how others view and judge his pain are quite different.
Thanks Brendan. I’m in the same boat right now and it’s so so hard.
Gentlemen, please know my heart genuinely goes out to you and all the pain you’ve had to endure. I completely agree with all of you that there is still gender bias when it comes to betrayal in marriage. I will try to be better at improving my use my pronouns and gender references. In the meantime, please know that there is a MENS ONLY BETRAYED PARTNER GROUP Right now it is offered on Tuesday nights. sexandrelationshiphealing.com/your-own-sexual-behavior/weekly-webinars/
Unfortunately, a partner can be someone who is a liar and/or a narcissist, alcoholic, addict, etc It is important for the victim and the perpetrator to have separate counsellors who are able to address complex issues. EMDR -Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing is very useful to deal with trauma rather than wait for life circumstances to rip off the band aide. Tapping can also be useful. Couples counselling alone is often NOT a good option.
This kind of trauma often happens in a relationship where there are very complex issues rather than a one time sexual encounter. Telling lies repeatedly is a pattern of behavior that is manipulative and because it works well for someone it can persist for humans. Humans who have various complex issues to resolve require different therapies than someone who has been victimised by another. Both children and adults can blame themselves.
Adults who choose to take responsibility for personal mental health will do so for themselves for a consistent period of time with or without a partner. Shame and responsibility separately are very complex matters. Safety with self is very key to rebuilding trust with or without a partner. Healthy self-trust has been attacked and damaged in betrayal trauma and involves a form of brainwashing. It is complex because it involves boundary violations with a trusted person and these boundaries can be seen on many levels, emotional, physical, ethical, spiritual, financial and so on. It becomes unsafe to trust self without having a solid attachment to self-trust. Victims need to relearn to trust the self. Therapists need to understand this very basic rule and not ever assume they must be trusted based upon a title or a degree.
Tools that can be used by the client with or without the therapist are very beneficial. EMDR is excellent because it is a guided process that enables the victim to regain a sense of control without expending long periods of time rehashing painful experiences with someone else. Writing can also be useful and can include templates and questions. The time for sharing can be up to the client and can be part of personal rediscovery. It is also helpful to address issues as being part of an individual rather than as a specific issue. Responsibility and ownership can contain a great deal more than shame and need not contain shame at all as a signal of wellness and wholeness.
Theft is a form of boundary crossing and is a great word for therapeutic use. Naming what has been stolen and misused can generate space between what has been stolen and self-identity. Keep in mind that core self can be vulnerable and somewhat youthful in many ways. Humans need to regain control and re-establish responsibility through exercising personal parental boundaries within themselves. Role playing is also beneficial.
Psychologists and psychiatrist are only beginning to understand emotions and neurology and mental processing. Thank you for sharing and shedding a bit more light on this important topic. I believe humility must be a key part of helping others to recover in order to guide and teach with compassion and wisdom.
Betrayal trauma yes!
Don’t go back to a partner capable of lying, cheating, and gaslighting you. We’re just going back to more of the same. And they get better at sneaking around. Get out and get very good therapy with a trauma informed therapist.
I never knew how much that discovering porn three years ago would affect me.
It was bad enough that I already had CPTSD from my past abuse.
This and other triangulations, added to my trust and Anxiety issues.
He on the other hand thought I was overreacting, jealous and insecure.
Repeated behaviour happened too, the couple therapist saw him for one single session and brought me in for five minutes and said - oh he is not addicted, not a problem.
Just check devises.
I did, found more and he denied it, then hid it.
Lies lies lies.
Thank you for this - is there a good bibliography of sources dealing with PTSD from child abuse and spousial abuse?
Those two subjects arent really my forte so I don’t have a lot of info on those two topics. What are you looking for on those topics? How to heal from child abuse or spousal abuse?
@@KristinSnowden Hi - actually I am looking for information on both topics, especially dealing with spousal abuse
Apologies - I meant healing from spousal abuse - Thanks
So this discussion assumes that all parties have empathy and a conscience. In other words no personality disorder. Narcissists, psychopaths etc.
Sometimes our discussions are focused on people who need to heal regardless of their partner’s willingness to own what they’ve done and how they’ve harmed. Other discussions do explore the idea that a betraying partner may be someone who who is willing to work on the relationship, change, and improve on the mistakes made.
Good intentions but absolutely no idea what it is to be betrayed.
Do you avoid counseling verbally/psychologically/physically abusive relationships? How do you weed that out?
Are you asking me that question? Most of the couples or individuals I work with have a history of verbal and psychological abuse present in their relationships. Physical abuse is less often (obviously) present or reported. What do you mean how do I weed that out? Are you asking how do I know it’s present in the relationship, short of them reporting it directly to me?
yes wow so helpful thank you!
I can't stop blaming and shaming my husband for what he'd done. What do I do?
Is he still actively in addiction or lying? If not, it may be time for self help. Good luck to u!!
What is the website for training? At the very end
My website KristinSnowden.com has some relationship masterclasses. Is that what you’re referring to?
I feel like this is me, maybe this is what I’m going through. I’ve been dealing with my spouse with ptsd who confessed to me he has been hiding being a full blown alcoholic. Now he is sober on many meds & he is not the same person. I do feel betrayal, that my whole relationship was fake cuz apparently he was drinking all day to function. How the hell did he did do that without me figure it out..I feel dumb & lied too. Is this it? I’m the one raising our 3 kids & have been stressed in this marriage for awhile, & feel like a weight is on me ..Sadly I’ve been use to this for awhile
Thank you thank you thank you...
Do you have a video or can you maybe comment about the feeling of guilt? I mean that the betrayed person feels guilty for being betrayed? I carried a lot of guilt and shame with me because of the betrayal and I sometimes I still wonder "what have I done to be so unlovebable to deserve that"? What is my part in this whole story? I really want to clean my side of the street :-)
Maybe this video will cover what you’re discussing. Infidelity - Rebuilding Trust - Steps to Heal --LIVING WELL Interview
th-cam.com/video/lrM-wR_rAKs/w-d-xo.html
What book do u recommend the most for betrayal trauma? We have 4 kids and are focusing on my husbands recovery and can’t afford to get the help I need?
I would recommend you explore my channel, sexandrelationshiphealing.com, WeTonglen, and Prodependence anonymous. Those are all free resources. Here’s a book list but it hasn’t been updated in a while www.kristinsnowden.com/recommendedreadinglist
I also have affordable betrayed partner workshops and sex and relationship healing has affordable workshops for men in recovery.
Amazing, eye opening video. Thank you Kristen ❤ Does anyone recommend an online therapist? Possibly through Better Help. My partner seems about 95% drug/alcohol addiction and 5% infidelity(while in addiction) Hes been in recovery for about 8 months and I'm showing major symptoms of trauma. Any advice appreciated 😊
alanon might be a good support system for you. I would make sure whoever does your therapy has speciality training and experience working with people who love addicts. Also there’s sexandrelarionshiphealing.com and WeTonglen. I hope that helps!
@@KristinSnowden thank you so much! I'm going to look into those sites asap 💕☺️
Should you do disclosure if you have split from partner? If that's the only way to get your confidence in your intuition back
Gosh that is the million dollar question. Some would say no because you’re not on a reconciliation path with your partner. Others may say maybe, depending on a lot of contingencies. If you haven’t already done so I’d encourage you to go to sexandrelationshiphealing.com and look up all the resources for betrayed partners including the support groups. If you have a mental health professional I’d encourage you to explore what you’d hope to get from a disclosure and whether you could heal without “knowing” or getting confirmation from your former partner, etc. But that’s a tough one. One would need to know a lot more details to properly help you out with that one.
@@KristinSnowden thank you. I am printing now! I just found you yesterday and I know I did for a reason. I am on my healing path, but I've never been completely able to put words together.
Awesome. Happy to provide some helpful resources. Also, I’ll be launching my first live (soon) workshop at the end of this month in case that’s something you’d be interested in or would benefit from:
www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1
Omg my last 31 yrs of my life and continuing!! I am really dying here no one seams to understand what I m going through no one can help
I get told I need to have consistent prayer and scripture study I need to be more faithful in my callings and my church attendance I need to forgive and let it go
I swear I feel that I m living in a nightmare and everyone is in on it I feel like I am in a Truman show
I feel that death is the only way for me to live
Please I live in so cal
Where exactly are you??
I need help I beg of you answer
If you feel like you’re in any serious danger, call 911 or go to your nearest ER. There are many therapists and support groups out there who can help you? CoDa is a free program with groups everywhere. There is also sexandrelationshiohealing.com
No I am not in serious danger for me to call 911
I need someone that can help me understand all the things that are going through me because I am married to a porn addict
Can you help me ? Do you take new patients? I live in the Northridge area you are in Westlake Village only 30 min away
Ur not alone Carla
My husband (of 31years) and my 42 year old daughter have been betraying me for 14 years!! I just don't where to start for healing 😕
Maybe SexandRelationshipHealing.com will have appropriate resources for you? Or 12 step meetings. My website, www.KristinSnowden.com also has a ton of free resources and I just wrote a new book
www.amazon.com/Life-Steps-Heal-Transform-Your/dp/B08PX79RPT/ref=nodl_
🙆♀️🙆♀️🙆♀️💔
Going through something like this makes it seem like borderline personality when in reality it's probably cptsd?
Yes. I would agree that many times betrayed partners mistakenly get diagnosed as BPD, when clinician aren’t aware of their toxic, gaslighting and abusive environments that they live in (and those they’re living with)
I've betrayed my wife for several years, just like all the stories I've been reading below. I was telling her she was dumb for thinking or accusing me of such things. Fast forward 18 months after I came out clean about everything. I've given her access to everything my passwords/track my phone answered all her questions in therapy. My question is can we move forward and have a fully healthy relationship or will we always be living under this shadow. Will she eventually put everything behind or be 60 years old and still be bringing up the betrayal. I hate for both of us to waste our lives, for her living in fear and me getting upset in the future for still being reminded. I just wish I could go back in time and stop myself for causing her this pain. I see so many comments from different forums how no one will ever fully get over your betrayal. Can people be honest if this is true
George Martinez hi George. I know it takes a lot of courage to post that question to everyone. I’d encourage both you and your wife to read Rob Weiss’ book Out of the Doghouse and find a professional who specializes in sex addiction and/or betrayal trauma. I hope you both can find healing in this process but it will be a very long road for both of you. There are also twelve step groups you can join for support on your end. SAA perhaps.
I think it would be very healing to make it a point to sit with her, hug her and above all empathize with her when she gets triggered. Be patient, it’s harmful to her recovery to respond to her triggering in an impatient and dismissive way. Think how you would feel if the tables were turned. Unconditional love and compassion are the keys to healing your wife, and your relationship.
Thank you George!!!! I needed your message today! I need this type of therapy and going to start next week. But I needed to hear that there's fear of it being brought up over and over. I want to trust my husband is being true to me now. I want to break the chains and heal together. I love him.
You are evil...it sounds you are boastful about your affairs but between you and God...you damaged and totally destroyed her. Your marriage will NEVER be the same
Is hair loss normal with betrayal trauma? I’ve lost so much hair it falls out in clumps.
The book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der kolk helps you understand how the body is impacted by trauma. But you should definitely see a dr if you’re suffering physical symptoms.
I know I'm late to this comment but I'm scrolling through for help or advice or just experiences from others at this point and this one right here hits home. I'm going through the same thing. Hair is falling out in chunks. This is just one symptom of the whole ordeal but after a betrayed person takes the immense hit of an affair and our self confidence has basically died... on top of it, we lose hair 😥 Makes me feel horrible about myself. I wasn't enough before, clearly, and now I'm going to be even worse. Don't even want to look at myself. I hope since you made this comment 6 months ago, things have improved for you and you've found some peace 💗
Yes, hair loss is normal and temporary. It will grow back in time. No worries. HUGS.
What happens when you try to have a heart to heart with the addict and they gas light you but never confess to the infidelity and you just discover they continue the affair or contact .
I think the most important question is how do you feel about that.
What about gaslighting and appeasing saying they will
Change and will be intimate. Living in a sexless marriage you also feel
Betrayed. Lying saying they will go see a therapist or sex therapist. 20 years have gone by and I feel like a shell of myself. I am depressed and full of anxiety. If I did more loving
Things he would would physically love me and not emotionally neglect me.
What if you never get a disclosure because the other person refuses? How can you get closure and move on?
That is very difficult. And I realize the desire to connect the dots, validate that you did have good instincts and really KNOW what was happening behind your back. Sometimes I have clients write out a timeline of behaviors and things they saw or experienced that just didn’t make sense. Arguments that were confusing to them. Behaviors and choices by their partner that didn’t make sense. StraNge explanations for things that didn’t make sense. And see if any dots can be put together that way…any “educated guesses” can be made.
It also helps to process it with a community of people who have been betrayed who get it.
This is such good information! I would love to interview you! How do I contact you?
www.KristinSnowden.com
KristinSnowdenMFT@gmail.com
Kristin Snowden thank you so much! I look forward to talking to you!
I am going through same but now my husband who was cheating or is still cheating tells me that it was the girl who was really inviting so he fell over honey trap during my absence it's nothing emotional just physical. And somewhere I do want to believe him cause this girl who is known commonly would always talk negative about my husband and provoke to leave him as he is not suitable for me while she was sleeping with him. Now I am so confused as he says he cannot live without me.
Trauma bond
Can you be an expert in divorce cases?
I prefer to stay out of the legal process and more in the therapeutic healing process.
My live in girlfriend was taking small amounts of money from my back account for months I would have trusted her with my life so I feel so betrayed when I eventually found out it's a horrible sick feeling inside. I will confront her in a day or two I just need breathing space to gather my thoughts but it seems like the relationship is over how am I suppposed to trust her in my life anymore ?
That is hurtful. I’m sorry you’re faced with such a difficult situation. I applaud you’re willingness to confront it.
Can you do family betrayal trauma
When I do most of these live webinars it’s with a website called SexandRelationshipHealing.com so the focus is on relational crisis. What specifically is missing that you’d like more info on?
@@KristinSnowden something pertaining to Kids betraying parents and gaslighting. I have Ptsd from my kids doing this to me.
What about betrayal trauma by a parent / guardian / caregiver in childhood? Betrayal Blindness occurs by children and other family members when parents are the betrayers.
Yes betrayal can happen within any trusted relationship.